Last Updated on August 21, 2020

Maybe you have been with your partner for several years. Perhaps you are looking for new ways to deepen your love. Or you want to take your sexuality to new depths, and maybe you are a pioneer and want to redefine the norms.

Even though monogamy is the most popular relationship model, it isn’t the only option by a long shot. For some people, monogamy is not a good option at all. While for some it’s the perfect fit.

LISTEN TO EPISODE 05 OF THE LOVE LAB PODCAST: MONOGAMY OR POLYAMORY WHICH ONE IS RIGHT FOR YOU?

We each have our own best way of relating and relating in ways that are not in tune with our being, our wiring, and our skills is a total waste of love.

Have you ever taken the time to ponder whether you chose monogamy, or just accepted a set of rules that were being passed onto you? 

So maybe now you are curious about open relationships. You might even have started a conversation with your partner about it, with all the media coverage lately on open relating.

One thing for sure: all the skills you need for open relating are the same ones you need for hot, romantic, lasting monogamy. Only with open relating, you need those skills and integrity to an even higher degree.

Let’s start with some words of caution: 

TWO THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR:

1. The grass always seems greener on the other side.
Remember to appreciate what you have and choose only situations that ADD to your relationship, not take away from it. 

2. Whenever we add to a relationship, everything gets magnified.
Which means both the love and the triggers get activated. So be ready and prepared. The more preparation you do, the better the chances that it will be more enjoyable and less painful along the way. 

CREATE A SOLID FOUNDATION

To successfully open your relationship, you must have a solid foundation. The skills you need include openness, honesty, and transparency — and lots of it.

You’ve got to be able to discuss your desires, hopes, fantasies, and fears with each other, with no holdbacks, watering down, or hiding. And you need to share with skillful caring and compassion. And guess what? Listening is the most essential skill of all.

Ideally, before you explore open relating of any kind, you have taken the time and invested your energy, and have built intimacy and trust. Before you open your relationship, make sure you feel safe being yourself and expressing yourself, so you can lower your barriers, relax, and let go. 

Educate yourself about alternative relationship models, become a google superuser on the topics, read books and articles, join a meetup group. 

There are so many questions that need to be considered before opening up. Here are a few to get you started. The complete list might be a book for some couples, a short booklet for others, but ask the ones that matter, and come up with clean, clear answers first. 

Ask yourself and your partner:

What does sex mean to you?

What does it provide you physically, emotionally, and spiritually? 

If you were to have sex with someone else, what would it mean to you?

What turns you on? Or off?

BUILD A CONTAINER

Setting guidelines that allow you to feel comfortable in growing outside of your relationship is the key. There’s no standard set of rules since each relationship is different. You’ve got to find what works for you, as two individuals, and as a couple together. That requires a willingness to communicate authentically, and it requires being very specific. 

I spent five years in an open relationship, and I know it can be difficult at times and also very heart-opening. For instance, when I was first opening up, I found that I was uncomfortable if my partner at that time and I were not feeling deeply and happily connected before he went on a date.

When we did feel connected, I knew he could do anything he wanted, even have sex with a woman we had discussed first. I would feel fine, even happy, about his newfound lover.

So, we made that pact, to be connected before we went on dates. And it worked out beautifully for us until we parted ways as friends. 

LISTEN TO EPISODE 80 OF THE LOVE LAB PODCAST: THE DYNAMICS OF OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

OPEN UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP SLOWLY

Don’t judge yourself for needing extra reassurance or for taking things slow. We grow faster from pleasure and success, even if they are baby steps than from pain and failure that can shut us down for a long time.

Put your agreements in writing. That way you can always refer to them if either of you is feeling unclear about how to proceed toward a new connection.

Nothing is set in stone of course. You can always modify, change, add as you go, learn, and grow — as long as follow the guidelines correctly and discuss any changes before you do anything outside of the agreement. That one guideline will save you more heartache than anything else.

Get a very clear picture of what you want before you start exploring. 

You should also have some strategies already in place when things don’t go as planned.

Having a strategy to reconnect if someone gets hurt or triggered, or how to deal with a condom break. Think ahead of some stressful possibilities, and ways to make them easier to deal with. 

AlWAYS PUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP FIRST

Before you go on a date with someone else make sure you both feel very connected, which will help minimize triggers. Take the time to strengthen your connection and make sure your needs and your partner’s needs are taken care of.

Be willing to make mistakes along the way, and to learn from them. You’re never going to have it all perfect. Speak up when it doesn’t feel right and celebrate when it does. 

And always go as fast as your slowest partner feels safe to go. 

If you choose to open your relationship, do it consciously, intentionally, and it can bring an enormous expansion of the heart for everyone you touch.