Last Updated on August 31, 2020

There’s a misconception that only unhappy people cheat. Or that if your partner cheats, it’s because there’s something wrong with you or with the relationship.

Well, cheating is more complicated than that, and while it’s often a very painful experience, it doesn’t mean it is the end of the relationship. Sometimes cheating can act as a wake-up call and help re-calibrate the relationship.

Now does that mean I think cheating is okay and good? Not at all. However, sometimes for some, it can a necessary step for their growth.

THE DRIVE TO CHEAT

According to Esther Perel, cheating is much less about sex than it is about desires. The desire to be seen, the desire to be loved and wanted.

So if you aren’t getting the attention and love you seek, you might look for it elsewhere.

Often, cheaters are not getting their needs met, and they do not know another way. But sometimes, they don’t know who they are anymore and seek new experiences to find out. Or, they don’t like who they have become and want to redefine themselves. 

Cheating is not a black and white situation.  It is a complex, multi-faceted case.

Let’s look at it as if it were personal for you.

Have you ever thought that your partner is not meeting all your needs?

  • Maybe your partner is fantastic when you want an energetic quickie over the kitchen counter, but not good at a sweet snuggle, and you sure could use some of that.
  • Maybe they are great with kids, but not so great doing chores around the house, and you need some help with that.
  • Maybe they are an excellent earner and provider, but not there for the emotional support you need after a long day juggling errands, paying bills, picking up the kids.
  • Maybe they have a higher libido than you do, and you are happy with a lot less sex.

Have you also noticed that you are resenting that partner?

  • Maybe you expect your sworn marriage partner to meet all your needs, like in the story books.
  • Maybe you feel guilty about wanting less sex and worried they might cheat.
  • Maybe the relationship feels superficial without affection and snuggles, and you blame your partner for the lack of warmth in your life.

UNMET EXPECTATIONS

If you have expectations of your partner, tell him/her and spell them out, so you can avoid resentment and get your needs met.

Common ways that people express their unmet expectations I see with clients that are “cheating” are far-ranging:

  • “He/She doesn’t listen to me anymore.”
  • “She/He won’t have sex with me.”
  • “He can’t support me.”
  • “She doesn’t like oral sex.”
  • “We never go out and have fun.”
  • “Sex went downhill after we got married.”

I believe that our most important emotional needs and expectations are for connection and depth. But everyone has a different proportion for each need.

Some need more freedom and variety, and some are looking for connection and depth. Others require more creativity and spontaneity, and some want more stability and predictability. We all have all the same needs, but for each of us, the amount of those needs will vary, especially when one of them is not met and starts to boil over. 

If your current partner is not meeting your needs, you can almost predict the result will be cheating or a breakup. And the same works in the other direction. If you are not meeting the needs, they hold the most important right now; they will seek their fulfillment elsewhere.

But let’s be honest, it is unrealistic to expect another human being to meet all of your needs. You must decide which needs are essential to be met, for you to be happy in a relationship. And you can also take personal responsibility and give to yourself what you would like to receive.

LISTEN TO EPISODE 40 OF THE LOVE LAB PODCAST: GETTING REAL ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

1.  Infuse your life with passion.

In his book, The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin talks about the excitement that comes from doing something that is forbidden. Here’s what his erotic equation from a sexual perspective looks like — Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement.

So for many, cheating is about the excitement and the feeling of aliveness that comes from it. Once you understand that, you can start to re-ignite your life with passion.

What makes you feel alive? What turns you on? What excites you? Do those things!

2. Know yourself and align with your values.

Get clear on what your needs and desires are. Then communicate them with your partner. Discuss and explore what your wants and needs are. 

And before you take that new step with your partner, please please learn the basic principals of effective communication. I have learned that is not what you communicate, but how you communicate, that makes the difference. 

How often would you have sex? How do you like to be loved? And so many other questions you will find to be simmering inside when you start to look around in there. 

And get congruent. Being congruent within yourself is essential to getting your true needs met. If your core values include respect, integrity, honesty, then you will feel torn if your actions don’t match your deepest values, thus creating inner chaos that will be reflected on the outside. 

3. Practice mutual respect.

Give your partner a chance to be their own person and have autonomy. And do the same for yourself.

Go out with your friends by yourself. Treat yourself to a nice meal. Most importantly allow your partner to do the same.

This will create more polarity in your relationship and build erotic tension. It will also ensure that you both have a sense of who you are, outside of the relationship.

Make sure you also share daily appreciation and gratitude with your partner. This will create a relationship where everyone feels valued.

READ THIS: THE SECRET OF SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS

Cheating takes energy and creativity and if you invest that drive into your current relationship it will blossom and thrive, and you won’t want an affair.