Last Updated on August 31, 2020

Cheating is everywhere, on TV, in books, and it happens to most relationships. How can that be? Is cheating inevitable? And can you do something to prevent it from happening?

When you consider the modern prevalence of divorce, cheating, serial monogamy, painful breakups, and spousal abuse, it makes sense to find something else.

I asked myself, why do people “cheat?” What would drive someone to lie, hide, mislead, and deceive the most cherished person in their life? I say it that way because I believe it would be radical to think we would marry someone and commit our life to someone we do NOT cherish, at one time if not now.

So why would I treat that precious someone without respect and integrity? Could it be something else that is driving love and sex underground? I think it would be wise to look at that.

WHAT IS CHEATING?

For most, cheating is being sexually unfaithful to your partner, and for many, it also includes having an emotional connection with someone else. 

The lines are blurred; there’s no one definition that is broadly accepted.

Cheating for this discussion, will NOT be defined solely as the act of having sex outside of your relationship. Cheating is not about whether you had sex with someone else. It is about whether it was in your agreements or not. 

Got your attention now, right? 

My definition of cheating has two parts, both of which are equally important.

  1. Sex with someone else.
  2. Contrary to agreements.

If you can imagine having sex with someone else other than your partner, you are not alone. Most people can, and do, almost every day. Some imagine sex with others in fantasy or porn. Others imagine sex with a friend, movie star, or a store clerk. 

But outside sex is not always cheating.

  • If you have sex with yourself and masturbate, is that cheating? 
  • How about imagining having sex with someone else, but never acting on that desire in any way, is that cheating?
  • Now if you have sex with your wife and her girlfriend at the same time, (or with your husband and his man-friend or lady friend for that matter) with all-around permission, is that cheating? 
  • If you have sex with someone else after breaking up with your girlfriend (and all the promises you made in that previous relationship), is that cheating?

So what changes sex to cheating?

My answer: Sex with others is cheating when it is contrary to your agreements. And ONLY when it is contrary to your agreements. 

If this created some questions for you, then I have built the foundation to continue our discussion.

HAVE AGREEMENTS

Agreements might be your problem, not your partner. Put another way: maybe you need new agreements. 

What if your agreements, in your existing relationship, including your right to get your needs met, even if that meant having sex with someone else? Is there anyone that has the right to take your rights away in the first place? Your needs are your rights, so no one can take that away unless you let them. Would you like a different agreement? Make one!

It is not monogamy, or polyamory, or swinging, or polygamy that is not working when someone cheats. It is a weakness in the foundation of your relationship: the agreements you make and the expectations you hold. And all of this is based on your communication skills. 

Your agreements should be clear and should cover how you handle attraction towards others. Let’s face it, we are humans, and we all get turned on by others.  They also need to address when and how you tell each other about flirty experiences.  And, you must each clearly define what you consider cheating (you might be surprised by that one). 

LISTEN TO EPISODE 12 OF THE LOVE LAB PODCAST: MONOGAMY OR POLYAMORY: WHICH IS RIGHT FOR YOU?

Monogamy is NOT the only relationship structure

Ever heard of open relationship ~ swinging ~ polyamory ~ “monogamish”…?

Often the grass seems greener somewhere else. A little caution: whatever “problems” you have in your current relationship won’t magically disappear by let’s say having a threesome, they only get magnified when adding more people to the mix. 

Consider creating agreements that honor both of your needs about sex. If those agreements include sex with others, under certain conditions, you would both enjoy and support them.

So learning to communicate your needs is the first step. 

BE EACH OTHER’S CHEERLEADER

Make sure you appreciate your partner every day. One of the most common reasons for cheating is feeling disconnected or under-appreciated.

So be the one who lifts your partner. Bring out the best in each other and remind each other daily of your love. Share how much he/she means to you.

Nagging, bitching, complaining, never give good results. Drop those and focus on an attitude of gratitude. If you don’t, someone else will do it for you – and trust me you don’t want that.

INVEST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Relationships need energy and attention to thrive. If you commit to a weekly date and are willing to experiment with new things together, you will create a solid foundation for your relationship.

Make time for one another, touch, kiss, and have sex regularly. And take an honest look at yourself, are you falling short in your relationship? Or are you showing up fully, giving 100% of yourself, and doing your best at all times?

By being willing to take responsibility, you are getting out of the shame and blame game. You are also consciously creating what you want, and that’s powerful.

And remember, if you make your relationship awesome to be in, neither you nor your partner will want to mess with it.