Why You Shouldn’t Wait Till Marriage To Have Sex & How Long You Should Wait

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 245. And it is titled why you shouldn’t wait to marriage to have sex and how long you should wait. Okay. So in this episode, I’m going to talk about why you shouldn’t wait when you’re younger. But I’m also going to talk about why you shouldn’t wait when you’re older. And then I’m also going to cover some considerations in there because there are always caveats to all of these things. And then I’m also going to cover how long it is that you should wait. This is a subject that comes up fairly often. And I didn’t want to specifically necessarily address this towards just young people. Because what I see a lot in coaching work is people who get together who didn’t have really either any sex at all, prior to committing themselves to each other, or very little. And then later on down the road in their relationship, they end up sexually unfulfilled and unhappy. And it can often lead to the end of the relationship. And this is completely and totally avoidable if we know how and so that is what we’re going to talk about today.

And, you know, the title alone will probably piss a bunch of people off. And I’ll probably get a bunch of comments on YouTube about how it’s wrong and immoral and against God and all that kind of stuff. I’ll address some of that through the show. The idea here is not to necessarily be triggering, but I assume it probably will be to some people. But it’s really to just put out there the best information possible so that people can make good decisions. And we’ll talk more about that whole good decision-making process and how to do that as we go along. But before we do that, a word from our sponsor, do you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery, it is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections, last longer, or increase your sexual skills, there is something for you at powerandmastery.com. That is powerandmastery.com. The link is in the description.

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Okay, so I’m going to start first with why you shouldn’t wait when you are young. Now, I don’t tend to work with a lot of young people in my coaching, which I’m totally open to. It’s just that young people generally. They don’t go out and seek coaches, they’d rather just stumble around in the dark and make a bunch of mistakes and figure it out. And unfortunately, a lot of times young people think they know it all already. So why would they possibly need a coach? It’s not always true. Céline used to get a fair number of younger men in the last few years, more in the mid to late 20s ish. But that wasn’t always the case that was more of a recent change in how the clientele was showing up. However, so okay, if I don’t work with a lot of people in that age group when I’m doing coaching, so why am I really addressing that?

Well, one, this goes down on YouTube and podcast platforms and so you know, we try to try to appeal to For a broad audience, not just because we’re trying to appeal to them, but because everybody has areas when it comes to their sex, love, and relationship, regardless of what age they are, that they need help with, right. And so we try to put as much helpful information out there as possible. But here’s the other reason. A lot of the things that I see when coaching people who are older, 30s 40s 50s, even 60s, those issues that they have started when they were much younger. So by talking about, you know, what young people can do now before they get into long-term, committed relationships, or marriages, hopefully, we can preempt some of the problems so that they don’t show up later on in their relationship. All right. So number one, why shouldn’t you wait to have sex until you’re married, when you’re young?

Number one, you need experience and practice to be good at anything. One of the things that I do tend to see when I have clients who have only had one partner, let’s say they married their high school sweetheart, they basically have had very little experience other than that one person, and they tend to figure out sort of one way to have sex and then just keep doing that for years. Until at some point, it’s not working for them, or maybe it was never really working for them, it finally they’ve decided that they need to do something about it. And they end up being frustrated in the relationship. So one way that you can avoid doing that is by making sure that you’ve gotten that path, if you want to be good at anything, it doesn’t matter what it is, if you want to be good at anything, then you got to practice it, you just simply have to practice it. And you know, some people say, Well, you know, yeah, you can practice it, once you’re in the relationship.

Yes, you can. Absolutely. And you should be continually practicing it and trying to get better. However, sometimes it takes a while. And it can be a strain on the relationship when one partner or another is not being sexually fulfilled. In fact, you know, part of the idea for this show now, this, this topic has been on my list for a while to cover. But there’s always, you know, other things that I get more excited about, and I want to talk about, but I got a really interesting email from a listener, who was in a similar situation where they were long-distance dating, and their sex life basically revolved around, you know, phone sex, or, I don’t know, maybe internet, she didn’t really explain the exact details of how they were communicating, but they were in different countries.

And she was saying, oh, it was great. And it was hot, and they were all excited about it. And then when they finally moved to the same country, the sex just, it just wasn’t good. And it wasn’t working for them. And one of her big questions was, why the difference? Why was it so good? You know, and that’s a bit of a different topic. But the point is, is imagine, imagine picking up your entire life moving to a completely different country, to be with somebody, and then realizing that the sex life portion of the relationship, which is a big portion of any relationship, just isn’t there. Now, does that mean oh, you made a terrible mistake, and you should just go back to where he came from? No, it means you need to work on it. But imagine, if you had worked on all of that stuff beforehand, and you never experienced that issue, or that problem. So that was, when I got that email, and I read through her story and what was going on, I thought, Okay, I got that topic on the list. I’ve been wanting to do a show on that for a while. So now it is time. So number one, as I just talked about was you need experience and practice to be good at anything. So the best time to practice and get good at stuff was when you’re young. You want to learn a language. It’s easier when you’re young.

You want to learn a musical instrument. It’s easier when you’re young. It’s not that you can’t do these things. When you’re older. You can learn languages as an adult, you can learn to play an instrument when you’re older. What happens though, is when we’re older, we tend to be busy, and we tend to have a lot more responsibilities in life. You know, our career, maybe we’re raising kids, just life in general starts to get so all-consuming. And another thing is when it comes to Specifically when we’re older, that’s different is people tend to be sort of less willing to experiment less willing to fail, they always want to look like they’re the Pro, and they already know it all, like, nobody wants to, you know, be on a date and get to that point of, you know, sexual intimacy in their 40s.

And then look like they have no idea what they’re doing. So, you know, a lot of times people aren’t so willing to experiment and fail. And that’s something we’ll talk about in a little bit as well. Okay, the number two reason why you shouldn’t wait when you are young, is you don’t know what you like yet. So if you’re young, and you haven’t had a lot of partners or experiences, then you likely don’t even know what you like, you don’t know what type of sex you like, you don’t know what positions you like, you don’t know what type of genitals are compatible with yours, which is a real thing. It really is a real thing. If you aren’t sure whether or not that’s true, I did an entire episode on genital types. And I use a couple of different systems that are out there that type, genitals. And the whole point of typing them is that some types of generals are more compatible than other types. And that’s kind of important.

So, you know, when you’re young, you don’t even you don’t know any of this stuff, you probably think you do, but you really don’t. And sometimes what happens is, you find something that works pretty well for you. And you’re like, okay, yeah, I got it all figured out, I know what I want. But if you had experimented a little bit more, you likely would have found something that works a whole lot better. But you don’t know what you don’t know. So you know, you can severely limit yourself. If you don’t take some time to try different things and figure out what it is that you like and what it is that you don’t like, and what it is that works for you and what doesn’t work for you, these things are all really important. Because then when you find somebody that you think, Oh, this might really be the one, this might be the one that really wants to commit to maybe get married to maybe have kids just have a life with, you’ll know whether or not that part of the relationship is going to work for you. Alright, number three on the list.

You should experience your fantasies when you’re young. This one doesn’t really read, I probably should put this number one on the list. Why? Because I see this so often in coaching work, and even just talking with friends. Alright, what do I mean by this, you should experience your fantasies when you’re young. One of the things that Céline And I noticed when working with people over the years, is there would often be this dynamic that came up in couples that got together when they were young, which is not necessarily when they were young, because sometimes it happened when they were older, but just inexperienced. But the point is this, let’s say, you know, they got together early in their 20s they got married, and they’ve been monogamous this entire time. Then the man starts thinking, oh, man, I’ve never been with a woman who had big boobs and my partner doesn’t have big boobs, or I’ve never had that threesome that I’ve always fantasized about. And that’s really the big one. That’s the one that comes up a lot.

But there can be other simpler things too. Like, you know, I’ve, I’ve never been to a sex party or I’ve you know, I’ve never met whatever it is, right? There’s a whole bunch of things that people fantasize about that they want to experience. But now they’re in this long-term, committed relationship, and they haven’t had a chance to do any of that. So you know, in a healthy functioning relationship, a couple of things could happen. One is you go well, okay, I never got to do it. But I’m happy in this relationship, and I don’t want to mess it up. So great. I guess in this lifetime, I just won’t experience it. The other thing that can happen is you can talk together and figure out how you can help each other experience those things in a healthy way. So that’s great.

So if you never experienced those things prior to being married, or in a long-term, committed relationship, but you’re either okay with that, or your partner is willing to experiment with you great. Unfortunately, that’s not what I see most of the time doing coaching work. What I see is one partner or the other really wanting to do these things. And the other partner is like, I have no desire to do these things. And it’s not always just the guy that wants to do them. Sometimes it’s the woman and then we end up in a situation where resentment builds up. Right and this is on Fortunately, what often leads to cheating? Well, my partner doesn’t want to do this. And I really want to do it. So I’ll go find some other places to get that need met. Now, it’s fine to find another place to have that need met if your partner is in full agreement with that, and it’s all done in the open, but unfortunately, most of the time, it isn’t, it just isn’t. So you end up with cheating. Another thing that often happens is, even if they don’t cheat, they end up ending the relationship because they’re just like this, I can’t, I can’t stay in this relationship where I’m not sexually fulfilled. And then, of course, there’s the possibility that there is infidelity, which then ultimately leads to the end of the relationship. So there can be some pretty harsh consequences. When you end up in that position of being, hey, I have got these sexual desires and these sexual fantasies that are really important to me. But I’ve never had a chance to fulfill them, and my partner’s not into it. So how can you avoid that? You can avoid that by doing all that stuff when you’re young.

Now, if people are waiting longer and longer these days, to get married, which gives them more time to experience these things, you know, unlike you know, say my grandparent’s generation was pretty common for them to be married when they were 18. How much time? How much time are they really have to experiment, right? But that’s not the world that we live in today. Today, people are waiting longer and longer. So now you have an opportunity in the relationships you have prior to that to experiment and, and get these things sort of out of the system. Now, you may get it out of the system, meaning you’ve done it and you’re like, Okay, I did it. It was cool. But whatever. It’s not something I need all the time. It might be that okay, I tried it. No, I realized that really isn’t for me. And you know, I have no desire to do that again. Or it might be man, that was amazing. I’m so glad I did that.

And now I realize that the ability to continue doing that is something that I need in my relationships so that when I’m out seeking a partner to settle down with, I know that that’s one of the requirements. So that is a much healthier way to do it. All right, number four, if you plan to get married young, you need to establish sexual compatibility with your partner. This is really really important. sexual compatibility really is a thing. It is a thing. You know, when when we look at what makes a relationship amazing what makes it fantastic, compatibility is one of the biggest things on the list. Now when we’re talking about compatibility, you know, it might be compatibility in our lifestyle, right? So we’d like we both like to eat healthy and exercise, or we both want to eat junk food and sit in front of the TV and watch movies, whatever. It could be, in your religious or spiritual beliefs, compatibility. It could be, you know, your sexual compatibility, which is what we’re talking about here. Do your genitals fit together? Do they work together? Some people think, well, it’s a penis and a vagina like they pretty much all work together. Yes. And some work together better than others. I have seen plenty of relationships where every time they have penetrative sex, the woman ends up getting some sort of urinary tract infection or yeast infection. Well, what’s going on? Well, some people may say, Well, you know, obviously, she’s got a problem.

Not necessarily that is often the sign that her body is saying, I don’t like that penis. How do we know that will because we have seen a woman with one partner get constant urinary tract infections when they have sex, and then change partners to another partner and never have that problem again. So what is that telling us? Right? There was obviously an incompatibility there. So figuring out whether or not your genitals and you’re just your sexual desires, your sexual fantasies, all that kind of stuff, if they’re compatible, if they’re compatible is really, really important. And interestingly enough, I was trying to research stats on you know, when it comes to divorce, what people say about sexual compatibility as far as how it ranks, is that considered one of the top reasons why people end up getting divorced? And I didn’t find a lot directly saying that but there are some things sort of indirectly. So in Denmark, there was a study done in 2019 as a controlled trial study found the top reasons for divorce in that nation.

Number one was a lack of love and intimacy, two communication problems, three lack of sympathy, trust, respect, and four growing apart because of different interests and activities. But notice number one on the list is lack of love and intimacy. Okay? Intimacy is a word that has more than one meaning. And it often is the word used to mean sex. Technically, intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean sex, you can be intimate with somebody without actually having sex. So if we’re talking about the literal definition of the word, intimacy just means, well, you all know what it means. However, when you are, say, on YouTube, or anywhere where you know, you have to be careful about what you say about sex. Intimacy is used interchangeably with sex. So when I see something like lack of love and intimacy, just having worked in this field, and knowing what people mean, when they say that they’re really meaning, lack of love and sex. Now, when they’re talking about sex, they’re also talking about, you know, the intimacy that comes along with sex.

So in fact, in our power mastery course, we have in the sexual mastery piece, we have a whole thing about establishing intimacy before, during, and after sex. So that means very clearly that intimacy isn’t just sex. But intimacy is often a word used for sex. So when I say lack of love and intimacy written on the list, and just knowing having worked with so many couples, you know, that means there’s a lack of love, and a lack of sex in the relationship that was reported in the 2019 study is the number one reason. You know, I can tell you just from having worked with a lot of couples that, although maybe it’s not always the number one reason it is one of the top cited reasons for having difficulty in the relationship, it’s often I mean, obviously, as a section relationship, coach, that’s one of the main reasons they’re coming to see me. But it also comes up a lot. I’ve interviewed a lot of therapists on the show, psychologists, and psychiatrists, and that is often one of the big reasons that people show up to seek help because the sex in the relationship is a problem. I was doing some other research and found another list of Top reasons for divorce and one of the ones on there was infidelity.

That’s another top reason. There are a lot of reasons for infidelity. I’m not going to say that sexual incompatibility is the only one by any means. But often, the reason why people feel like they need to have sex with somebody outside of the relationship is that the sex inside the relationship isn’t fulfilling. It’s not doing it for them. It’s not working for whatever reason, maybe it’s sexual incompatibility, maybe there’s no sex, or maybe they’re just not getting the kind of sex they want. And they’ve asked their partner over and over to try to change and they just won’t. And then that can often lead to infidelity. So you know, when we’re looking at, you know, okay, if you plan to get married young, you need to establish sexual compatibility? Well, yeah, yeah, it’s important because otherwise, years down the road in this relationship, you could very well end up in divorce or a situation with infidelity or something like that, that could have easily been avoided.

Had you taken the time in the beginning, or even prior to that relationship, to figure out what it is that you want, what it is that you need, what it is that you like, what it is that you don’t like, and then find out if this person that you’re starting a relationship with is compatible with those things. So super important. And the thing is, if you wait till marriage, you will know any of that you literally won’t know any of that you’ll end up in marriage, maybe with some kids going. This is not working for me. If you’re in that situation, okay, seek the help that you need. However, wouldn’t it be great if you could have avoided that to begin with if you could have figured out how to make that work before you got involved in that relationship? Yeah, that would make a big difference. It would probably save you a lot of frustration, a lot of anger, a lot of time and a lot of arguments, miscommunications, money therapists, coaches, all of that stuff, divorce lawyers, kids, it could save you a lot. All right. And then the last one on the list here is there is nothing morally wrong with having sex before marriage. I mean, I had to put that on the list because you will often see lots of people talking about how it is morally wrong. We did a show quite a while back on sex and spirituality and are they mutually exclusive? elusive. And the gist of that show was do the major religious institutions out there?

Like, what do they have to say about sex and if we embrace a lifestyle where sex is an important part of it, where we have sex frequently, and we think outside the box, and maybe do more than just standard missionary with the lights out under the covers, you know, for procreation only, like if we do something other than that, is it against what these major systems say? And I can tell you that the overall gist of that was No, when you really look into these religions, in these belief systems, they generally say very little about sex. And a lot of the rules that you believe exist in those in those systems aren’t really in the original system. I’m not saying that you know, clergymen of your faith or whatever, aren’t telling you these things.

Because they probably are. What I’m saying is when you actually look at the teachings, and you go, and you read the books, whether it’s, you know, the Bible, or the, you know, the Koran or whatever, you go and read them, and you realize there’s very little mentioned in there. And if you want to know more about that, go listen to that episode, I did a lot of research for that one. And, you know, aside from, you know, reading some of the books myself, I went to some scholars who have really, they really dove in pretty deep into that subjects to figure out like, what was what’s really in there. Um, so, contrary to what many people will say, there’s nothing morally wrong with having sex before marriage. However, that’s going to lead us into the next segment here, which is some things to consider. Because while I can tell you there’s nothing morally wrong with having sex before you’re married, where the morally wrong comes in is how you do it. Right. So I have a list of things to consider before you have sex.

All right. Number one, always practice safe sex. So there’s nothing wrong. There’s nothing morally wrong with having sex, but make sure that you practice safe sex. So what does that mean? Well, that means making sure that you have a conversation before you actually have sex about, hey, here’s what I like, here’s what I don’t like, here’s what my boundaries are. Here’s the last time that I was tested for STDs, here are the results of that, here is my safe sex protocol where I, you know, insist on you know, condoms or you know, birth control, or whatever it is, whatever all that stuff is, you should be having those conversations before you actually have sex. Very, very important. Okay, number two, always act in integrity. Super, super important. I don’t understand. I guess I sort of do understand, but why when it comes to sex, people do things that they wouldn’t normally do in any other situation.

In other words, they make decisions and do things that they wouldn’t normally do outside of that situation. It is even more important when you’re dealing with the power of the sexual act and connecting with somebody sexually, that you really, really, really, really make sure that you act with integrity, always, always, always 100%. Trust me, it is worth it. Even those little things that you think maybe aren’t that important. And you can kind of skip that or cut that corner Don’t, don’t always act in 100% integrity. This brings me to the next thing on the list, which is to make sure that both parties are 100% in and willing to experiment. Now, remember, I’m still talking here about, you know, why you shouldn’t wait when you’re young. And I have another list of things to consider when you’re older. That’s slightly different, although there are some similarities there.

But, you know, when you’re young, and you’re wanting to experiment, and you know, you’ve got all these desires in these fantasies, sometimes you will see young people try to sort of, I don’t want to say push, but kind of push the other person into, hey, let’s do this when the other person is not really 100% on board. So you want to make sure that both parties are always 100% on board and that you’re both willing 100% to be going down this road and experimenting in these ways. And so that night really also goes back to acting in integrity. Number four, don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t be afraid to fail, especially when you are young, you’ve got nothing to lose. Don’t worry about it. Everybody that’s learning something new facet like could you imagine picking up a musical instrument for the first time and trying to play in front of people and expecting that you’re not going to make any mistakes and it’s going to be great No, of course not.

Even if you’ve been playing for years, this instrument, and you’re going to sit down in front of people and play, don’t expect that you’re going to do it without making any mistakes. So people often, you know, just to use this as an analogy, but people often when they want to go perform in front of people, they’ll often wait and they’ll say, I’m not ready. I’m not ready yet. Okay, well, why aren’t you ready yet? Well, because I still make some mistakes. If you wait until you’re perfect before you go perform in front of people, you’re never going to perform in front of people. And so it’s kind of the same thing with sex. Like, I know, young people always want to, you know, appear as if they are experienced, and they know exactly what they’re doing. And they’ve got it all figured out. But nobody at those young ages does. And nobody actually expects that either. So drop the ego stuff. And don’t worry about it. Just be afraid.

Don’t be afraid to fail. Go out and experiment and try new things. And just communicate with your partner and be like, hey, you know what, I’ve never tried this before. I have no idea how this is gonna work. But, you know, if you’re on board, let’s go for it. And we’ll see how it goes. Right? Okay, number five, keep it light-hearted, especially when it comes to experimenting and the family. And we tell, you know, older people this all the time in their sex life, you know, people that have been together for years, and they’re wanting to explore something new. You know, maybe they come to us because they want to learn some Tantra stuff, whatever it is, you know, the whole idea is to keep it light-hearted. Don’t be afraid to fail. Have fun with it. It’s sex, it’s supposed to be fun. In the immortal words of Larry Flynt, relax, it’s just sex. Right, so so keep it light-hearted, have fun with it don’t get so serious. Yeah, there’s a time and a place for it to be serious. And there’s a time and a place for it to be light-hearted and fun and just enjoyable, and just have a great time with him. And number six, make sure your partner’s pleasure and satisfaction are a top priority.

This is really important a lot of times when people are younger, and they’re experimenting, and they want to learn stuff, they want to get some experience and they want to live out their fantasies, a lot of times, they’re only thinking about themselves. And it’s my fantasy. And here’s what I want to get out of it. Right. That’s never the right way to approach sex. When you’re approaching sex, it should always be about your partner’s pleasure at least as much as your own, if not more. So I personally feel like your partner’s pleasure should be a higher priority than your own. And I know that sounds kind of weird. But if you’ve experienced this, you’ll understand what I mean, when you put a high priority on your partner’s pleasure, and then your partner does the same for you. It just comes back to you tenfold. Right?

So if I’m there, and I’m having sex, and it’s all about me, and it’s just like, I want this one position, and this is what feels good for me, and therefore we’re just going to keep doing this, what’s going to happen, she’s probably going to get tired or frustrated, or she’s not into it, because it’s not really working for her. And then the sex ends early, it won’t go to the levels of ecstatic bliss that it’s capable of going to. Whereas if I really focus on her and say, Okay, your pleasure is really important to me, I want to make sure that you’re really loving this if she is really loving it, she’s gonna give me back that energy, like tenfold what I put into it. So it really is in my best interest to make sure that my partner’s pleasure and satisfaction are a top priority, especially if I want her to keep showing up for sex again in the future. So those are some things to consider, right? I gave you the reasons why when you’re younger, you shouldn’t wait until you’re married to have sex. And then if you are going to have sex before you’re married and before you’re in a long-term committed relationship, there are those things to consider. It’s all about how you do it. It really is. And this is true of most things in life. It’s really about how you do the thing.

All right, there’s a truth bomb for today. We often say this when we’re coaching couples with their communication and we say it’s often not what you say. But how you say it, how you phrase something, the intonation, the words you use the emotion behind it, it makes a huge, huge difference. It’s the same thing here when you’re going to have sex, how you approach sex, how you show up to sex, how you do sex, makes a big difference between Oh, this was a great experience. And I’m so glad we did it. And oh, it really wasn’t that good. And I kind of wish we had waited. All right. So next we’re going to talk about why you shouldn’t wait when you’re older. There can be some similarities but A few things that are different because your life is going to be in a little bit different place when you’re older.

Also, some things to consider. And then I’m going to talk about how long you should wait. But before we do that short break for my sponsor, Hey, guys, do you know what makes a man great, you know, the kind of masculine man that women are irresistibly attracted to in what is it money, job title, his physical body, being great in bed, a big penis, great pickup lines. But what if you don’t have those are only some of them. What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships are embarrassed by your bedroom skills, doubt whether you can rise to the occasion, and worry about lasting long enough are always stuck in the friend zone, I can help you if you are ready to make big changes and finally become the man you have always wanted to be, then this is the program for you go to Célineremy.com/go/warrior.

That is my Men’s coaching program. It doesn’t matter if you are in a relationship or not in a relationship if you’re in a new relationship, or if you’ve been in a long-term relationship. It doesn’t matter, I can help you have the sex, love, and relationship that you really truly want. Doesn’t matter what problems you’re facing. At this point, I think I’ve pretty much seen them. I’m not saying that somebody can’t show up with something I haven’t run into yet. But I’ve mostly seen, I think all of the problems you could have. And I know that there are always ways that we can work on there are always things that we can do to improve there are tools, there are, yeah, there’s just a ton of stuff that we can work on to help you. I just had a great call the other day with a client who showed up with, you know, four or five of the most common things that we see. And, you know, when they do that a lot of times they think, oh, there’s nothing that can be done. And, you know, this is like my last resort. And I don’t expect a whole lot out of this. And then I get to say to them, no, no, no, we can work with all of this. We have tools, we have practices, we know how to handle these problems. So yeah, check it out. Célineremy.com/go/warrior.

Okay. Why you shouldn’t wait to have sex until you’re married when you are older. This, you know, there are a lot of people who either didn’t get married when they were younger. Or, you know, they’ve been married and divorced because it didn’t work out the first time. Now they’re out in the dating scene again, and they’re on all the apps that are out there. And one of the big questions they have is like, I don’t know, should I wait until we’ve committed with each other to each other? To have sex? Should I wait until we get married? Should I have sex on the first date? Should I wait three dates? Or is it five dates? Or what is it? Right? This is a question that comes up pretty frequently. Okay, so number one, why you shouldn’t wait? Well, contrary to what the younger people the position they’re in when you’re older, you hopefully already know what it is that you want. So you can assess pretty quickly whether or not that’s a possibility in this particular relationship. So you know, one of the things is, if you don’t know what it is that you want, there’s no way that you can assess whether or not this person who is in front of you who is a possibility can give it to you because you don’t even know what it is.

When you do know what you want, then you can have conversations right in the very beginning. And you can talk about these things like hey, here’s what I like, here’s what I want, here’s what I need. Here’s what really turns me on, here’s what you know, I really want out of any sort of committed relationship, right? So you can talk about all those things right up front. And you can know really quickly whether or not this is going to work. Now, it’s not a guarantee, right? Because there are words, and then there’s the actual act, which is often rather different. But it definitely can set you up. Much, much better. If you know what it is that you want. So you’ll see this a lot of times, you know, in the 40 Something crowd when they’re newly divorced or separated, and they’re out there in the dating scene, and they’re just like, okay, and sometimes if you’re lucky, they’ll just write it right in the dating app boom, is exactly what I’m looking for.

I want someone who can meet me on this, and this and they’ll sometimes they’ll tell you exactly what types of sexual things they want. Alright, number two, you should already know how to do it safely and properly. So one of the things I didn’t mention earlier that I probably should have. I mentioned you should have the conversation. You should practice safe sex. But sometimes when you’re young, you may not necessarily have enough experience to know how to do that properly, in which case, I would say, wait until you know what you need to know in order to do it safely. But as an adult, you should already know how to do it safely and properly. Now there’s a bunch of things on this list of say you should, you should, you should, because I can tell you from a coaching perspective, I will work with people in their 40s and 50s. And sometimes even older than that, who should know these things and don’t. Now, you know, this is not to put shame on anybody, like, if you haven’t had the opportunity to learn it yet fine, no problem, we’ll get you up to speed, we’ll teach you what you need to know.

So that you can move ahead from a position of knowledge. But hopefully, by the time you’re older, you already know how to do it safely. So you’ve had the conversations up front, you know how to practice safe sex, you know, how to protect yourself, not only physically but emotionally, and or how to be open, emotionally and physically, right? So there’s no real need to wait when you already know how to do that stuff. You’re not trying to figure it out? And like, Oh, what was it that I need? And how do we do this, and maybe we should wait, like, there’s kind of none of that awkward stuff that you have when you’re younger, it’s like, I know what I want. And I know how to do it like a responsible adult. Alright, number three, you should be mature enough to handle the consequences. You know, we’ve talked about this a lot on the show the power, just the power of moving sexual energy with another person, it is powerful, not only powerful, physically, but emotionally as well.

And you need to be prepared for the consequences of that. And so when you’re younger, sometimes you aren’t, and you don’t even know what you don’t know. And so you can get physically involved with somebody and then realize, oh, oh, this was just supposed to be fun. We just decided we were going to be friends with benefits. And now I’m invested emotionally, and I’ve now I’ve developed deep feelings. And what do I do about that? Right? Because you weren’t expecting it. But as an adult, you should be aware that these things are going to happen. And you should be able to handle the consequences of that. So going into a situation, maybe you met somebody online, maybe you’re like, Okay, I’ve decided I want to have sex with this person, regardless of whether or not the relationship goes anywhere other than that, well, then you need to be prepared to handle the consequences of that, right? Like, what if I do start to develop some deep emotional connection to this person? How do I handle that? You know, what happens if somebody does end up with an STD, what happens if somebody does end up getting pregnant, like you, as you mature adult should already know and be mature enough to handle those types of consequences. And so again, if you know what you want, and you know how to do it safely and properly, and you are emotionally intelligent enough to handle the consequences of it, then again, there’s no reason to wait.

And then that brings us to the last one on the list here, which is just like when you’re young, you need to establish sexual compatibility. I have seen like, like the story I just told you a moment ago about the email I received from a listener, that person is in their 60s, and they’re having a sexual compatibility problem that they weren’t aware of, due to the long distance dating thing, right. So, you know, you just don’t, you don’t want to end up in a situation where, you know, you’re involved deeply with somebody. And you’d love them for a bunch of other reasons. But there’s this like, big hole, which is your sex life that’s just not working for you. Because eventually over time, resentment will build and it does lead to problems in the relationship further on down the road.

Now, those problems often will show up as, oh, we’re just arguing or you know, so we just have irreconcilable differences. That’s why we’re splitting up well, okay, that might be true. But what’s one of the main things that fueled that, oh, you’re frustrated in your relationship, because you’re not having the sex that you want to have, and therefore, you’re on edge all the time, and you’re kind of like grumpy and snapping at the other person, and then that’s creating tension in the relationship. So you really need to make sure that if you’re going to be involved long-term with somebody, and sex is an important part of that relationship for you and your partner that there is compatibility there. And I talked a lot about that when we were talking about young people, so I don’t need to go too much deeper into it now, but just know that that is just as important. consideration when you’re older, and you’re dating, and you’re looking for your next relationship after you know, whatever happened, as it is when you are younger and trying to figure things out.

So okay, what things are there to consider then in this situation? Well, number one, what is it that you’re looking to get out of this encounter? That is a big one. You know, when you’re young, we pretty much know what you want to get out of it. Like, oh, I’m really hungry, I’ve got raging hormones, I want sex, I want the feeling of sex, I want to learn how to do sex, I want to experience something I’ve never experienced before. Like, that’s pretty obvious. But when you’re older, you know, maybe you’ve already experienced those things you already know what you want. And yeah, you are looking for the connection and the intimacy and the physical sensations and fun of sex. But ask yourself really, what is it that you’re looking to get out of this encounter? And be honest with yourself. Is it I just want a great fuck because I just need to get off?

Or is it because I really want to connect deeply and intimately and emotionally with somebody on a level that you just can’t really reach until you get to that level of connection, really important to understand as you’re older, and you’re thinking about being sexually involved with somebody? What is it that you’re looking to get out of the encounter? Number two, always practice safe sex, we talked about that before as well. Just as important here. No matter how old you are, you always want to make sure that you are practicing safe sex. And that means having that conversation beforehand before you actually have sex. And as a mature adult, this should be very easy for you to do, this should not be difficult, and it shouldn’t be awkward in any way. It’s like, Hey, we’ve gone on a couple of dates.

You know, I can feel sexual attraction to you, I can feel your sexual energy towards me, I can see that this is going in that direction. Let’s just take a couple of moments to talk about this and say, Okay, here’s what I like, here’s what I don’t like, here are my boundaries around this, that and the other thing here’s here are the things that I’m THE HELL YES to hear the things on my hell no to here’s my, my sexual past and history in as much detail as you want to know. Here’s my sexual health status, right, all of that stuff is super important. Number three, always act with integrity. This goes no matter how old you are, no matter what situation you are in, whether it’s a new relationship, or whether you’ve been married for 30 years, always act with integrity, especially when it comes to your sex. Number four, make sure both parties are 100% in and willing to participate. Same as when you’re younger, everybody has to be 100% on board with full consent. I just launched an episode a few weeks ago, titled “What is consent and how to do it”. I highly suggest that you go listen to that episode, if you are at all curious about consent, and how to really do it, right, really do it right, it is a bit of a nuanced topic, it’s not as simple as many people think.

And number five, make sure that your partner’s satisfaction is a top priority, which we talked about before, too, for all of the same reasons, it’s super important that you make that a priority. So those are some things to consider when you are deciding whether or not to have sex before you are married or in a deeply committed relationship when you are older. Okay, so we talked about why you should not wait when you’re younger, and we talked about why you should not wait when you’re older. But then the question is okay if I don’t wait until we’re either married or living together and deeply committed and monogamous to each other, well then how long should I wait? Because that’s the next question everybody always has. Okay, great. I got it. Kevin. I understand. It’s in my best interest to not wait. Okay. But then, like, how long do I wait? So I have a few things to cover on that one as well.

Number one, until the raging hormones Calm down, and you can make good decisions. And this goes for both young people and old people. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen at sex parties or just people on a first date where they feel that massive rush of chemicals and that sexual attraction that chemistry and they’re just like, oh my god, we have to do this right now. Right now. No, no, it has to happen right now. No, no, it doesn’t. You should wait until you can make good decisions and not be driven by your hormones. Because you might end up doing something that one if not, both of you regret later on. So it’s never worth it. You know, one of the great things that came out of the sort of sex party world was way back in the day, this group that that something that I used to spend a lot of time with, they used to have sex parties from time to time, but they weren’t all that frequent. And what would happen inevitably is, you know, people would go to these parties, and they’d meet somebody that they had never had sex with before. And they feel this huge attraction and like, Oh, my God, this is the only moment like, if it doesn’t happen right now, this is never going to happen, I’m going to lose this opportunity. Right?

And that would cause them to maybe break a boundary with their partner, or the worst thing ever, that you should never do is your partner is not even there at that party. But you know, they’ve told you well, you know, you have free rein within, you know, our agreed upon boundaries, and you meet somebody, maybe one of those agreed upon boundaries, as you can play with people all you want just no penetration right? Now, you meet somebody here, and you’re like, oh, man, like, I really, really want to have sex with this person. But I know, we’ve agreed that we’re not supposed to do that. Let me call my partner and see if I can get them to change their mind in this moment, why I’m here with a raging heart. No, you don’t do things like that. That’s why I say wait until the raging hormones calm down, wait until you can make a good decision.

Now, one of the I started talking about the sex party thing is because what happened eventually is we experienced enough situations like that as a collective, where the organizer started to say this out front, look, here’s our plan, we’re going to start holding these parties more regularly. So that there will always be more opportunities. When you show up, don’t look at a situation as this isn’t going to happen again, and I have to act now. Take the time to slow down, make good decisions, do not break boundaries with people. Because if you do, there’s going to be pretty bad negative consequences. And if you just wait, there will be another opportunity to same thing when you’re dating. You don’t have to do it immediately right now in this moment, because you went on this date, and it was amazing. And we’re feeling the energy, and then we have sex. And then you know, three days later, we realize we’re not compatible.

And then somebody’s like, damn, I wish I hadn’t had sex with that person. Right? So how long should you wait until the raging hormones calmed down, and you can make good decisions? Number two, both parties are fully ready, and both people have to be completely ready. And sometimes you will see that one person is absolutely ready and the other person is not really ready yet. And so what does the other person do? They tried to convince them, they tried to subtly push them into doing it. And that’s not something that you want to do either. So you want to be in a clear mind so that you can make a good decision. And you want to make sure that both people are 100%. Ready. And if the person says to you, hey, you know, I feel like we just need a little bit more time to get to know each other you say, great, amazing, wonderful, no problem. Let’s take that time to establish that intimacy before we go there.

Number three, until you can do so safely. Again, that whole like, oh, I wasn’t prepared for this. And you know, we’re on this day, and I didn’t expect us to have sex. But now we’re here and we’re naked and like my penis is almost right there. But we don’t have any condoms. Because we weren’t ready for this. I will just we’ll just go for it anyway, right? No, you don’t do that. You wait until you can do it safely. Right. So in the right environment where both people feel comfortable and safe, where they can let go and really be present in the moment where you can practice safe sex, where you know that you’re engaging with somebody who is healthy, all that kind of stuff. Number four, there really is no exact right amount of time. So the real answer to this question isn’t, it should be on the third date, or the fifth date, or within a week or two months or three months.

These are all timeframes that you hear thrown out there all the time. And you’ll hear women say this a lot. Oh, no, you absolutely cannot have sex with him before the fifth date, you know, and it’s, wait, what? Especially if you’re older, like, you know. So there is no exact right amount of time. It’s really about these first few things that I talked about when you can make good decisions when both parties are fully ready when you can do so safely. Right. So you’re making good decisions, you’ve got the safety aspect, and you’ve had those conversations, and you know that now is the appropriate time. So that brings me to the last thing on the list, which is the key is to have open honest communication and not be driven primarily by lust and desire. So how long should you wait to have sex with somebody? Well, that’s the answer right there. You’re making good decisions. You’re both fully ready you can do so safely.

And you’ve had the open on This communication and you know that you are making a good decision and you’re not just being driven by lust and desire. So that’s how long you should wait and that amount of time is going to vary for everybody. That could be the first date for some people. It could be, you know, five dates in, it could be two months, three months, six months, whatever. But just make sure that you can do those things before you decide to go there. All right. Well, that is me making the case for why you shouldn’t wait until marriage to have sex and how long you should actually wait. I hope that was helpful. I know this comes up a lot. And yeah, if you have any comments, I always want to hear them. So leave them if it’s YouTube, leave them in the comments. If it’s for the podcast version, then go to our website where the podcast is and leave us some comments on that episode. I would love to hear them and know what you think about this topic. All right, everybody, that’s all the time I have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

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Céline Remy 56:24
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at Célineremy.com/vault. That’s C e l i n e r e m e y.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 56:38
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 56:39
And remember, you’re amazing