Kevin Anthony 0:00
Kevin, welcome to the Love Lab podcast, the place to be for honest and real talk about relationships and sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or a couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to help you have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life.

Kevin Anthony 0:23
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 383, and it is titled 10 Secrets to a Successful Relationship. It is still the beginning of a new year. So, as you are watching or listening to this, it should be early February. As I’m recording it, it is the very beginning of January. And I thought, you know, I like to every year at the beginning of the year, start with you know, how we can do better in the coming year? And so I was thinking about relationships, because they’re such an important part of our lives. At least they are for most people. They are for me, and I think they should be, and we’ll talk about why they should be in this episode, but I was really thinking about, okay, how can I help people start the year off having a better relationship or relationships?

Kevin Anthony 1:35
Because a lot of these things will apply to not just your intimate partner, but to other relationships that you have, children, co-workers, friends, whatever, family members. And I came up with a list of what I’m calling the 10 secrets to a successful relationship. So there are 10 things that are common that you see in successful long-term relationships. And if you can do these 10 things, your chances of being successful are really high. So we’re going to talk about those 10 things. Of course, we’re also going to talk about what is a successful relationship? How do we actually define that? After that, we’re going to talk about, you know, why is it is important to have a successful relationship? Another thing that’s important. Then we will get into the actual 10 secrets. And then lastly, we’ll talk about some things that tend to get in the way, things that you know, people and or couples tend to do that can prevent them from having this successful relationship. So that’s what we’re going to talk about in today’s episode. I think there’s going to be a lot of really great, useful, actionable advice in this episode, so I hope you stick around and listen to the whole thing.

Kevin Anthony 2:55
But before we dive in, as always, I need to take a short break to promote my sponsors, which often are my products. So, ladies, did you know that the overwhelming majority of men consider receiving oral sex a must in their relationship? Well, of course you did, because men have been asking you for it your whole life. But do you feel confident in your ability to give great oral sex if you tend to avoid it because you don’t feel you’re good at it, or if you feel that you’re pretty good at it, but you want to get even better, then my new blow job mastery course is for you. I have teamed up with the amazing coach, Ry Duong of Eterna Love, to bring you a practical and easy-to-follow course that is guaranteed to increase your confidence and skill when giving oral sex to your man. In this course, you will get all the secrets to mastering the art of oral sex with step-by-step instructions and multiple live demos. Go to https://www.sacredfemininearts.com/bjmastery. That’s https://www.sacredfemininearts.com/bjmastery. That link is in the description.

Kevin Anthony 4:08
And of course, as always, power and mastery 3.0 power and mastery 3.0 is the latest version of the popular men’s sexual mastery course, if you are struggling with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or simply want to increase your skills in the bedroom, then power and mastery is for you join the exclusive club of men who have taken their sexual performance into their own hands and become sexual masters. Mastering your sexuality is a key component to becoming the man she has always dreamt of and craves. Don’t leave your sexual performance up to chance or the throw of the dice. Become a sexual master today by going to https://www.powerandmastery.com/sexual-mastery. That’s https://www.powerandmastery.com/sexual-mastery. Anytime is a good time to start and get better at the things that you love and that are important to you. But certain times are great reminders to do that. And since we are at the beginning of the year, there is no better time than right now. You’ve got motivation. Let’s get in there and do it, increase your skills, so that you can show up better for your partner, so that you can have more confidence, and so that you can make your relationships better.

Kevin Anthony 5:31
All right. One last thing, this is a project I did last year, and I really didn’t promote it much. I’ve shown it here on the show a couple of times, but I made some T-shirts, right, I have the women’s I’m holding up right now, which is a lovely pink color with a white design on it that says, more orgasms, less wars. This is a message that I truly believe in. If the world could have more orgasms and less wars, we’d be in a much better place. Here’s the men’s version, with the navy blue and gold. And you know, it’s a great way to help support what I do here on the show, and get something in return for it. So you get a cool t-shirt, you get to share a great message, and you get to help support the show. So you can go check those out. Those are on my main website at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/.

Kevin Anthony 6:30
Okay, so now that we’ve got all of those things out of the way, let’s dive into the subject for today’s show. And I want to start with, how do we define what a successful relationship is? Because, you know, the premise of this is, these are 10 secrets to a successful relationship. The thing is, having done this work for a long time now, I can tell you that not everybody defines success in their relationship the same way. And so when you’re hearing me talk about the 10 things that create a successful relationship, you may or may not resonate with some of them based on, you know, how you define what success is. And as you’re listening to me share some of the ways that people define success, I hope that if you find that you define it in some of the ways that I’m going to share, you would be open to potentially redefining how you know, how you define what you consider a successful relationship.

Kevin Anthony 7:43
So this will make more sense as I actually go through some of them. So the first one on the list is that they stay together for a long time. So that’s often how many people will define, well, we’ve had a successful relationship. We’ve been married 20 years. We’re still together after all this time. Okay, that is a level of success. However, there are lots and lots of people, far too many, unfortunately, who stay together long term, but they’re not happy. They’re not fulfilled. Their needs aren’t getting met, right? So it just stayed together because, well, maybe it was too hard to get divorced, too scary to get divorced. Don’t want to lose their house. Don’t want to, you know, lose the business. They’re together for the kids, whatever it is; staying together in and of itself, really, is not a good definition of a successful relationship. So then what else is there? If it’s not just, well, we’re still together. We’ve made it through life this far.

Kevin Anthony 8:47
Okay, here’s another one. They’re actually happy. You’re together, and you’re actually happy. Now, I know that sounds really simple, right? A lot of people are like, Well, yeah, duh, but I can tell you, having done this work for a long time and worked with a lot of couples, there are a lot of couples that are together that really are not happy with their current situation. So your level of happiness in the relationship is one good way to measure the success of your relationship. What are some other ways? Well, some people will say, Well, we successfully raised children. Okay.

Speaker 1 9:29
I mean, that’s Hey, if you were able to successfully raise children in today’s modern world, I give you tons of props and kudos. And I say successfully raise them because just the fact that they’ve survived is a pretty low bar. I mean, like you’ve raised good quality human beings who will contribute to society, not be a drain on it, who will treat people well, you know, all that kind of stuff, if you were able to do that, and they’re healthy and all of that, kudos to you, because that is a difficult thing to do. In today’s day and age. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship itself was successful. Again, there are lots of people who stay together just to raise the children right, and they may do a great job at raising the kids, or maybe not, but the relationship is a disaster, and then when the kids are gone, the parents end up splitting up.

Kevin Anthony 10:27
So again, just because you successfully raised children, not necessarily the best measure of a successful relationship. Next on the list, they still love each other, okay, this is good. This is good. I’m, you know, anytime I hear a couple say we still love each other, I’m like, okay, all right, we’ve got that. There is a foundation there. Hopefully, we can get back to that love or enhance that love, right? However, again, not necessarily the best measure of a successful relationship. Now you might be going, What do you mean? Do they love each other? Of course, that means it’s successful. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve also heard, you know, I still love him or her, but I can’t be with them. I will always love them, but we’re better apart, right? You hear those things on a regular basis, you can still have a deep love for who somebody is and recognize that they’re not the right match for you, and this isn’t a healthy intimate relationship that we’re having. So again, using that as your measure of a successful relationship, not the best.

Kevin Anthony 11:45
Okay, what else we got? We still get along with each other. Okay, that’s good. Again. You can get along with somebody. There are plenty of people out there in relationships who get along great. They are amazing roommates. But they’re not a great couple. They’re not great partners. All right, all right. What other ways can we potentially define a successful relationship? You still have an active and fulfilling sex life, okay, okay, that’s good. That’s good. But sex, in and of itself, does not make for a successful relationship. Again, there are lots and lots of people who say, Man, this relationship just does. It’s not working, but I don’t know if I can leave because, man, we just have such great sex together. Just heard that one very recently, as a matter of fact, where they were lamenting that exact thing about, you know, they were recognizing the relationship really isn’t working, you know, in all the ways that it should. But it was very hard for them to say, well, you know, I should walk away because the sex is great.

Kevin Anthony 13:05
Okay, so then, what are some other ways we could potentially define a successful relationship? You function together as a team. Okay, that’s good. That’s good. I like that. And then, of course, I also have on the list, they’re better together than they are apart. So when they come together, they create something bigger and better than when they are separate individuals. All right, so it just gave you a whole bunch of things, but I haven’t really defined what I think is a successful relationship. And the reason is, because to have a truly successful relationship, I think you need a combination of the things that I have mentioned here, so a successful relationship is one that stays together long term, where the people are happy, they may or may not have successfully raised children. They still share love for each other. They get along in their day-to-day. They have an active and fulfilling sex life. They function as a team, and they are better together than they are apart. So that is what I define as a successful relationship. Now, as time goes on, these will ebb and flow. Some of them will be stronger than others, but generally speaking, I believe those are the components to having a successful long-term relationship.

Kevin Anthony 14:43
So ask yourself this question: how many of those do you actually have comment? If you’re watching this on YouTube, throw me a comment. You know you can, of course, comment on Spotify and others as well. Tell me how many of them do you have? How many of them are you missing that you would really like to work on? How many of these did you not even realize you needed for your relationship to be successful? I’d love to hear that from y’all. Okay, so I’ve talked now about what I consider to be a successful relationship, right? So we’ve kind of set the bar now. Now we know what we’re going for. We know what we are looking for. Let’s just give you a little bit more incentive for wanting to maximize all of those things that I just talked about, and I want to talk about why it’s important to have a successful relationship. Why do we want to do this?

Kevin Anthony 15:47
Why? Because the reality is, if you’re missing some of those things I talked about earlier, it’s going to take some work to build them, and, you know, to create that in your relationship and in your life, you’re going to need some motivation to do it. So, I mean, I obviously could write my own list of you know, here are all the reasons why I think you should have a successful relationship as part of your life. But I wanted to give you even a little bit more than that, so I got on the internet, as I often do when preparing for these shows, and did some research. I wanted to have some real data here to help you. And so this data comes from multiple sources, one of which is A Harvard study. There are a couple of others that I pulled this data from as well, but these are some reasons why it’s important to have a healthy, successful relationship as part of your life. First, healthy relationships are fundamental to mental health and overall well-being. They influence happiness and longevity, which we’ll talk a little bit more as I get through some of these things, but understand that the science is telling us, the research is showing us that people who have healthy relationships have a higher overall well-being, and they have a higher level of happiness and more longevity.

Kevin Anthony 17:23
So if you care at all about the quality of your life, you’re going to want to have healthy, successful relationships next. They are considered essential for emotional regulation, so they provide support during difficult times. They aid in the healing of attachment styles, trauma, and other things. So again, these first couple here came from the Harvard study. And listen to what they wrote. They are considered essential for emotional regulation. You may have heard the term, I’m sure. I’ve used it on the show before, but this idea of CO regulation, this idea that we can help each other regulate our nervous systems. Now, of course, the opposite is also true, right? If you have a very dysfunctional relationship, it can go the other way, right? So it can actually dysregulate your emotional system.

Kevin Anthony 18:22
But you know, if you have a strong, successful relationship with a supportive partner, right? It is really, really great at creating emotional regulation. Strong relationships have been shown to impact healing, stress reduction, and overall health, with studies indicating that connections with others are a fundamental pillar of mental health and well-being. Now, as I said at the beginning of this, while I focus primarily on this show on relationships, meaning your intimate relationship with your partner, I also mentioned that a lot of what I’d be talking about applies to relationships with other people in your life. So here, when they’re talking about strong relationships, they mean connections with others. Could be your intimate partner, or strong connections with family or friends. So having those types of connections in your life can help you heal.

Kevin Anthony 19:25
They help you reduce stress, and they improve your overall health, right? So, some more reasons why you would want to have successful relationships. The studies also show that they can lead to a stronger immune system, quicker recovery after surgery, and a lower risk of depression and anxiety. People in healthy relationships are less responsive to psychological stress and tend to have lower blood pressure. A healthy bond can activate stress-relieving hormones, minimizing the adverse effects of stress on the heart, gut, insulin levels, and the immune system. The quality of relationships can have a greater impact on happiness and longevity than factors like income, career success,s and physical health.

Kevin Anthony 20:23
So some of the things that we think would be more important and have a greater impact on our happiness and longevity, like having more money, like having that, you know, career title, or that, you know, career responsibility or whatever it is, actually, the quality of your relationships can have a greater impact than those things. Again, the Harvard study of adult development indicates that people with strong, supportive relationships are happier and live longer. Building healthy relationships, both with oneself and others, is crucial for well-being, shaping identity and enhancing confidence, happiness, and fulfillment, and it can also give you a greater sense of purpose. So I hope that gives you some good reasons, some good inspiration for maximizing the success of the relationships in your life.

Kevin Anthony 21:33
And I will say this, I have noticed in my own life that when my relationships, my close relationships, are strained, it impacts me significantly. I find it very stressful. You know, I’ve had relationships with past partners who for them, the drama of the relationship was sort of a necessary part, and not just because they were being drama queens and, you know, they just thrived on, I mean, for some of them, that may have been true, but I’ve had partners tell me in the past that that, you know, going through these, these, you know, ups and downs and these sort of tumultuous periods And, you know, having these blowouts, but then these recoveries were sort of essential for them to grow their bond and to deepen the relationship. And honestly, I never really understood it. I never really believed it. I always felt that there were ways to grow and deepen the relationship without having to go through that drama.

Kevin Anthony 22:41
And I personally always found those crazy ups and downs that roller coaster type relationships to be extremely dysregulating to my nervous system, and so I would never stay in a relationship like that once I realized that that’s what was going on. And you know, we tried to solve it, I tried to implement strategies to calm that down and make it easier, and it just wasn’t working. I would eventually have to leave those relationships because they were just way too stressful. And then you notice that it bleeds over into other aspects of your life. You start getting snappy with people at work or with your friends, and you know you’ll find your overall level of happiness decreases. You have less motivation to go do the things you love, because you’re just freaking stressed out all the time. And you know, for a while in my life, I thought it was just me. I was like, I guess I’m just too sensitive, right? You know? I guess I’m just too affected by those things.

Kevin Anthony 23:48
But over time, obviously, doing this work, I’ve spoken to a lot of people over the years, and I find that lots of people are like that. And then, of course, we have the research now that shows it, that proves, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that these things do have negative impacts on us when we’re stuck in these difficult, dysfunctional, dysregulated types of relationships. So, of course, that does beg the question, how do we have better relationships? How do we have more successful relationships so that we’re not stressing ourselves in this way? That, of course, is the bulk of what I want to talk about on today’s show, which are the 10 secrets to a successful relationship. So I’m going to pause for a short break from my sponsor, and when we come back, we are going to dive into the 10 secrets of a successful relationship, and then we’re going to talk about some of the things that get in the way so that we can help you avoid those obstacles.

Kevin Anthony 25:01
All right. Are you a couple? Are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there changes you would like to make, but just don’t know how? Maybe you think there is nothing that can be done if you’re not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/couples/ to schedule a strategy call with me today so we can map out a strategy to get you where you want to be so you can have it all your way. That is https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/couples/. Of course, that link is in the description, and that is my couple’s coaching program. I’m going to give you the 10 secrets to a successful relationship, but making them happen, implementing them in your relationship, is not always easy. So if you need support in any way, shape or form around your relationship and your sex life. Don’t hesitate. Now is the time to fix it. Your overall health, longevity, and quality of life depend on it. Go check out https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/couples/.

Kevin Anthony 26:16
Okay, 10 secrets to a successful relationship. Number one, you are both committed to being 100% in, so this is important. You have to, you have to decide, like, if you’re going to be in this relationship, you’re giving it everything you got. You know, we use that expression sometimes burn the boats behind you, right? And I’m sure you’ve all heard that before, and you know where it comes from, but it’s this idea of, there’s no escape plan. Unfortunately, what I see a lot when I am coaching couples, especially younger couples, they they’ve got, you know, whether they realize it or not, sort of an escape plan, a backup plan, if this doesn’t work.

Kevin Anthony 27:04
The problem with that is, is that, because they’ve always kept those doors open and those backup plans, whether it’s, well, I can always go here, or I can always maybe date this person, if this one doesn’t work out, or whatever, they’re not committing 100% to the relationship. I remember years ago, Celine and I had a strategy call for our relationship synergy program that we were doing at the time, which was the relationship the couple’s relationship coaching that we were doing together, where both of us would coach the couple, and we’re just talking to them, listening to their story, you know, and at one point throughout that, I realized, like, this guy is absolutely not committed to this relationship, and here they are on a call with us, looking at potentially spending a good chunk of money that I’m sure was hard earned to improve their relationship.

Kevin Anthony 28:02
And I honestly just, I had to say to the guy, I said, I don’t think you guys are ready for this program, because what I feel is you’re not 100% in on this relationship. I feel like you’ve got one foot in and one foot out, and I don’t think that we’re going to really be able to help you until you can commit to having them both feed in this relationship. And you know what he said, Yeah, you’re right. And we never did end up working with them. You know, basically the way I left it is, is like you, you guys, need to figure out that you’re going to be in you’re committed to being in this relationship or not, once you’ve figured that out, please come back to us and let us help you navigate what it means to be 100% in on your relationship. And we never did hear from them again. I have no idea what the outcome of that was, but all of that to say that this is, this is like a ground-level, foundational piece of having a successful relationship. You’ve got to commit to being in it, you know, it’s not that kind of like, well, you know, we’ll see, you know, like, whatever, I don’t really care either way. Or, you know, all the other typical things that you’ll hear. You’ve got to say, Okay, I have decided to be in this relationship, I am choosing you as my partner, and let’s give it everything we’ve got.

Kevin Anthony 29:28
Okay, number two on the list, you both show up for your relationship every single day. What does that even mean? Number one, you’re making your relationship a high priority. And this is a big thing that I see. A lot of couples don’t do. They don’t make the relationship a priority. They will in the beginning, for the first year or so. So you know that honeymoon period, but then you know, they get busy with career and raising a family and social obligations and all the other things that get in the way, and they’re not prioritizing the relationship. They’re not giving it the time, energy, and attention that it needs and that it deserves. So in other words, they basically get complacent, and they just kind of go on autopilot, and they’re just whole. What we’re you know, we’re together. What’s the problem? Of course, you know she, of course, she knows I love her, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Kevin Anthony 30:41
It’s also the little things that you do day in and day out for the relationship. So in other words, even if they’re not completely complacent, even if they feel like they are doing something, it’s like, when a birthday comes around or an anniversary comes around or Valentine’s Day comes around, it’s like, let’s do these big, grand gestures and show the person that I love them. The problem is, if you’re not doing things throughout the rest of the relationship, those grand gestures don’t really do anything. And if you’re a guy and you’re listening to this, trust me, she doesn’t care about the big grand gestures. She wants the little things every single day. It’s how you show up. It’s the attention you give her. It’s the inquisitiveness. It’s wanting to know what’s going on in her world. It’s noticing things about her. It’s hugging her, kissing her, cuddling with her, all that kind of stuff. The little things, if you’re a woman and you’re listening again, it’s the little things. It’s how you respect him, it’s how you appreciate him. It’s letting him know you appreciate all the little things that he does and all the ways that he shows up.

Kevin Anthony 31:47
I saw, I saw a post on social media the other day, and it was a woman talking about men and how much she appreciates them, and she gave this example of, you’re driving on this family trip, and she’s the one navigating the kids, so she’s making sure they got snacks and they’re entertained, and she’s dealing with the fights in the back seat, and she’s doing all this work to keep everything happening inside the car. And there’s a tendency for many people to think, Hey, I’m doing all this work. I’m doing everything here. All you’re doing is driving the damn car. Like, how hard is that? Right? I’m managing three kids in the back seat, right? But the way that she talked about it was that she realized that he was doing a very important function, which was keeping them all safe and making sure that they’re not going to die on this road trip.

Kevin Anthony 32:45
In other words, his ability as a man to really focus and be paying attention to, oh, that car just swerved over there and, you know, towards my lane, or this one stopped short over here, or whatever it is like, that was an essential function of a successful family experience, keeping everybody safe, making sure that he’s not distracted, right? Literally, in that situation, the lives of the entire family are in his hands. And so the reason why I thought that was such a good example, and I’m reiterating it here is because it’s, it’s something that a man would do that’s often overlooked, but yet is an essential part of the functioning of, you know, the family and the relationship. And so this woman was just, you know, acknowledging that, and that’s, that’s what I’m talking about here, when it’s the little things, like acknowledge those little things and do it on a regular basis.

Kevin Anthony 33:42
So those are just a couple of examples of how you can both continue to show up for each other every single day. And those are really important things you’ve heard me talk on the show many, many times about what I call a constant state of arousal that’s a little bit more related to stoking the fires of your sexual energy. But again, that idea is something that you do a little bit every single day. All right. Number three, you accept each other’s differences, and you don’t try to change each other in successful relationships. People go, Okay, this is the person I chose to be with, with all their idiosyncrasies. And yes, we might put strategies in place to to navigate or mitigate some of the ones that maybe we don’t like as much, but the idea is we go, this is, this is who they are, and I accept them and love them for that, a lot of strange relationships are ones where I see people who are really not happy with who the other person is, and they’re constantly trying to change them. Oh, he’ll change if I just do this, or if I just wait this amount of time, or if I just show him this, or blah, blah, blah. You know, I’ve said it many, many times. In the show.

Kevin Anthony 35:00
Honestly, people don’t like that you can’t change anyone. People change when they are good and ready to change. So if you’re not happy with who they are, and this is something I tell people all the time when they’re dating, I’m like, Okay, you got to look past the chemicals and the you know, the the attraction that you feel, and look at the person for who they really are, and then ask yourself, 10 years down the road, 20 years down the road, would you still be happy with this person if they never changed? And if the answer is yes, you know, you’ve got a good shot at a long-term relationship, if the answer is like, Oh hell no. Like, it’s okay for now, but once we’re married, it’s got to change. You are setting yourself up for disaster down the road.

Kevin Anthony 35:50
All right. Number four, you function together as a solid team. This one is really important. Successful relationships function as a team. And unfortunately, one of the things that I see far too often is that in relationships, people are competing with each other. You know, I was speaking with some potential clients recently, and both of them, at one point, had very successful jobs, he chose at some point to take some time off from his job because it had crazy hours and it was actually negatively affecting the relationship, and he decided to take some time to be at home with the kids, which, you know, can be good, can have challenges in the relationship, but at some point, you know, kids didn’t need it anymore, and he was ready to get back into the workforce, and he had this great job opportunity making a pretty good amount of money, and he goes to his wife and tells her about this amazing opportunity that’s come up, and the first thing She says is, you’re going to make more money than I am. And that just kind of blew my mind, because that is not working together as a team. That is going well; there’s a competition here to see who could potentially make more money in the relationship, and that’s just not the right way to approach it. You know how I would want my partner to show up in that situation?

Kevin Anthony 37:27
I would want her to show up and say, oh my god, baby, that’s amazing. I’m so happy for you. And wow, with that extra income, the burden won’t be on me anymore. Maybe I could slow down and relax a little bit, or maybe we could finally afford that new house that we wanted, or to go on that vacation that we wanted. This is great, right? That’s how I would want my partner to show up, and that’s that. That’s how I see a situation like that as a team, right? So looking at it and going, Okay, this is an amazing opportunity. Let’s, let’s celebrate how this can benefit us as a team. So yeah, that’s to me, I think is one of the essentials, and it’s something that I talk about all the time, because this is another big one that I see just over and over and over again with couples that I work with, is they’re not approaching the relationship as a team. It’s always, it’s always this competition, or this sort of jockeying for who’s right or who’s in control, or, you know, that sort of thing.

Kevin Anthony 38:31
And that’s not the healthy way to have a relationship. Number five, you’ve learned how to communicate effectively with each other. This is another absolute must. In a successful long-term relationship, you will never see a successful long-term relationship without the people having achieved at least some level of successful communication. It’s just a must. There are too many things that happen in life, too many, you know, situations that will arise, too many things that are stressful that you’ll have to deal with. If you can’t communicate effectively, you’re never going to be able to navigate these challenging things that will inevitably arise, because it’s life, and that’s just how life is.

Kevin Anthony 39:28
So you really have to learn effective communication. And I will say this, most of us were never taught this. We just weren’t taught it. We didn’t have any role models to model it for us. We have no idea how to do it. You might think you’re a great communicator. Chances are, you’re probably not as good as you think you are, and you could use some help. You know, I’m still always working on how I communicate, and you know, I might master it. You know, in a moment when the emotions are low, but then you get into a heated situation. Situation, you get fired up, the adrenaline’s pumping, and then how easy is it to stick to all of those things that you’ve spent all this time studying and working on? Right?

Kevin Anthony 40:12
It’s not easy. So I would suggest to everybody that you really work on learning specific strategies for communicating. I’ve had numerous people on the show over the years who talk about ways to communicate in relationships. You know, strategies. When I am coaching couples, I have what I call a communication best practices, sort of, I call it a mini master class, that I always go through with them, because I’ve learned that the overwhelming majority of couples do not have the level of communication needed to really have a truly successful relationship. So is really a key part of being successful. Number six, you don’t allow resentment to build. This is just death to a relationship. You know? We call it death by 1000 cuts, right? Where lots of little things happen over time, and they’re not addressed, and you allow them to build up. And over time, the resentment grows and grows and grows until it explodes again. This is death to a relationship, you know, a little piece here, a little piece there, a little cut here, a little cut there.

Kevin Anthony 41:45
Okay, it doesn’t seem like a big deal. Those wounds will heal until there’s 1000 of them, right? And then you bleed out. So successful couples don’t allow resentments to build. What do they do? They address issues right away. They have learned how to communicate effectively so that they can speak up for what they want and what they need, and they keep their word. So a lot of those resentments, and this is something I teach men all the time, every time, every time you say you’ll do something and you don’t do it, oh yeah, I’ll get the trash. Oh yeah, we’ll go out here, oh yeah, we’ll do this. And then you don’t do it right, she learns, ooh, can’t trust him, because sometimes he says stuff and he doesn’t do it right. And over time, those resentments will build. Of course, that’s just one example of many, and it’s important for women to keep their word as well, but it’s another one of those pieces. You address issues right away. You speak up for what you need and want. You keep your word. These are ways that you can fix things before the resentment has a chance to build.

Kevin Anthony 43:01
Number seven, you both have achieved a high level of emotional maturity, or what we call E, Q. This is really a must for a successful long-term relationship. You have to master your emotions, and honestly, this starts right here within yourself. You have to learn to master your own emotions first, right? Because a lot of times what you’ll hear is, Well, they did this, and they said that, and because of this and that, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it’s like, okay, not saying that that isn’t a factor, but it’s how you are reacting to that that makes the biggest difference. So you have to learn how to master your emotions, and that doesn’t mean suppress them. It doesn’t mean completely let them all out like crazy all the time. You know, like you got to find a balance of I recognize my emotions. I allow them to move through me, but I don’t allow them to overtake me and dictate my behavior, and I certainly don’t dump them out all over my partner, right?

Kevin Anthony 44:04
That’s what I call emotional maturity, and it is difficult. It’s another one of those things, like effective communication, or like how to have great sex in the bedroom, that nobody ever taught us. And we basically had almost no if you know, maybe you had one or two, but for the most part, most people had no role models to show them how to do this. So it’s another one of those things that you have to learn. And if you find that you have difficulty getting in touch with your emotions, or difficulty controlling your emotions, or difficulty with releasing them in healthy ways, then you need to work on it. You know, work on it with you know, with yourself. Get help if you need it, get a therapist, a coach, somebody who can help you learn how to deal with these things in a more effective manner. It really is a must. Okay. Okay, number eight, each member strives to give more to the relationship than they take. Celine used to say, I think she used to say, like, give, each person in the relationship should give 120% Well, obviously, if both people did that, that would be 240%. How do you give 240%, like, it’s zero to 100, right?

Kevin Anthony 45:18
It’s an idea. And the idea is, is that you should always be striving to give more to the relationship than you take, and the reality is, is that that’s going to vary. There will be times where you’re giving more and your partner’s giving less, and there will be times where your partner is giving less and you’re sorry, is giving more and you’re giving less, right? That’s how it goes. But the idea is you’re always striving to give as much as you can to the relationship, and it will ebb and flow, but if both of you are doing that, you’ll both feel happy and fulfilled about it in the relationship. And when those times come where, hey, you know what? Maybe I’m sick, I’m injured, I’m under a lot of stress, maybe I can’t give as much. Your partner is not going to feel resentful that you’re giving even less than usual, because normally you’re giving as much or more to the relationship as your partner is. Number nine, you achieve and maintain polarity. This is another piece to a successful relationship. You have to have polarity, right?

Kevin Anthony 46:20
So I have talked at length. I’ve done whole episodes, more than one of them on this show, about polarity. What is it? What does it mean? How do we achieve it? Go back and search polarity on the YouTube channel, or if you’re listening on the podcast, you’ll find episodes on that. All I really wanted to say here in this episode is that it’s important. It’s important that you got to have some polarity. It creates that natural attraction in the relationship, and in these really successful relationships that I have both observed and also had, that polarity was always there. And I tell you, it was a big wake-up call for me. I mean, I was already aware of it, you know, before Celine and I got together, but Selena and I probably had the best polarity in a relationship I had had up to that point. And it was just such a night and day difference that I finally got it, I was finally like, Oh, now I really get it, like I kind of understood it intellectually before I would see how it would work out. I experimented with it in previous relationships, but when I was in a relationship that had that really excellent polarity, I finally went, Yes. This is what I have been looking for, and that’s when I truly, really understood the importance of it.

Kevin Anthony 47:51
Okay, number 10, your act, you actively nurture an active and fulfilling sex life. So basically, in number 10, is you are regularly throughout the entirety of the relationship, working on fostering an active and fulfilling sex life. And you’ve heard me say this on the show, many, many times, the research is clear, couples who have an active and fulfilling sex life tend to have longer, more successful relationships. So, you know, I’ve spoken with couples who are like, Yeah, we don’t really have sex anymore, but we have a great relationship. Okay? I mean, that might be true for a few people. They’re definitely the outliers. They’re not the average, excuse me, the relationship research is really clear that those who have an active and fulfilling sex life have longer relationships, and they report more happiness, so the relationships are more successful. So of course, had to be on the list, even if sex isn’t as important in your relationship, say, as it is.

Kevin Anthony 49:00
To me, it is a very important part of any relationship. For me, I could not be in a long-term relationship with somebody who didn’t think sex was a high priority in the relationship. And so you might be thinking that, well, maybe that’s not really that high a priority for you. It may not be that high. There may be others that you consider higher than that, but it’s still an important piece. You can’t neglect it. You can’t just pretend. Well, you know, it’s not in my top three, so whatever, it’s still an important part. So there you go. Those are 10 secrets to a successful relationship. Are they the only things? No, of course not. We could make a much longer list. We could start getting into more nitty-gritty details, of course.

Kevin Anthony 49:50
But if you could master those 10 things, I guarantee you you will have a. Successful, happy, fulfilling, long term relationship. And I suggest to you, if you have to go back and listen to this again, and be really honest with yourself, how many of those 10 Things are you successful at in your relationship? How many of them are there? How many of them are missing? What ones do you need to work on? I like to give out kind of, you know, what I consider sort of a roadmap or sort of a blueprint for how to do the things that I teach here. And I think that if you could do these things right, if you could commit to the relationship, if you could show up a little bit every day, if you could accept your partner for who they are, function together as a team, communicate effectively, address resentments before they build, operate in an emotionally mature fashion, give more than you take, have polarity and then nurture An active sex life. I mean, I can’t imagine anybody saying that their relationship wasn’t happy and successful if they had all those pieces in place.

Kevin Anthony 51:08
So again, it is the beginning of a new year. There is no time like right now to have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life, as I like to say. So take this roadmap and go for it. A couple of last things that I want to just mention before I wrap up today, and I said I would talk about some of the things that get in the way. And honestly, the things that get in the way are mostly the opposite of the things that I gave you in the 10 list. So I’m not going to spend nearly as much time. I’m just going to kind of mention them. What are some of the things that get in the way? First one, they don’t fully commit. I talked about that before I gave you an example of real life couple that I spoke with and how that was really getting in the way of their relationship. Honestly, that was the root of their issues. So while they still would have benefited and learned a ton from Celine and me had they worked with us, they would have instantly been better off if he had just decided I’m fully in this relationship. They have terrible communication.

Kevin Anthony 52:21
That’s another thing that gets in the way, because even if they are actively working on the relationship and they’re trying to make it better, if you can’t communicate about what it is you need and want, and you can’t navigate the challenging moments because your communication sucks, you’re not likely to be successful. They don’t make the relationship a priority. This is a huge one. I see all the time, people’s work, the kids, whatever, are just a much higher priority. And, you know, I’ve talked about this on the show too, parents often think that they’re doing the right thing by making their kids the number one priority. Saw somebody on a mother on social media the other day post that she’s got two kids, and it was her son’s birthday, and she posted that her son was the love of her life. And I’m like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, should you absolutely love your children 100%, but you should not be describing your child as the love of your life.

Kevin Anthony 53:20
Your child is somebody that you love deeply, you care for deeply, you will always love, who will never change. It’s a different kind of love, but the love of your life should be your partner, right? And so what that you know suggests to me is that this person isn’t making their relationship a high enough priority. I don’t know that that’s true necessarily. It’s just an assumption based on a social media post. But that is one thing, you know, if I were working with this couple, that is one thing I would check in on and say, Are you really? Are you really prioritizing your relationship? Here, they allow sex to dwindle and then disappear. That is another big one. We’ve talked about how important it is. You know, it’s interesting, because sometimes you will see, like people, when the sex isn’t there in the relationship, they know there’s other problems, and they’re not even willing to work on them, because they’re like, well, what’s the point? Like, you’re not gonna have sex with me anyway, right?

Kevin Anthony 54:19
You know, I’m not saying that’s the right attitude to have, but I am saying that I do see that pop up from time to time. So you know, when you allow sex to dwindle, obviously it creates a disconnection, right? It affects the intimacy in the relationship, and it can also affect your desire to fix things. So that’s another thing that often gets in the way. People don’t speak up. They don’t, they really just don’t voice what it is they need or want in the relationship. So that’s another thing that gets in the way, because sometimes the other person doesn’t know anything’s wrong, and they think everything’s great because it’s going well for them. And. But they’re not realizing this is not working for their partner, because your partner’s not speaking up. So how can you fix a problem that you don’t even know exists? They allow resentments to build. Right? That’s another one that I talked about earlier, the death by 1000 cuts. They get complacent, right, and they’re not doing the little things day to day that they should be doing to nurture the relationship, to keep it alive, to continue to stoke the fire, create intimacy, love, all that.

Kevin Anthony 55:34
And then lastly, I have no idea unless they simply just don’t do the work. And this is, you know, this is something we have to come to terms with, which is this idea that relationships do take work. It’s not all just, you know, great, now we’re together, and there’s nothing else we need to do. It’s not, oh, we only do the work when we’re dating. Now that we’re married, we don’t have to do the work. No, you’re married, and that’s when the real work starts, right? So a lot of people, they just, you know, they get complacent, right? They don’t do the things they should do, and then they’re not also doing the real work that it takes to have a great relationship.

Kevin Anthony 56:13
So those are some of the things that can get in the way for people. So don’t allow those things to happen. Don’t allow them to get in the way, don’t allow them to sabotage your relationship, and prevent you from having the relationship that you could be having. Instead, do the 10 things that I talked about before that, and you are almost guaranteed. Almost. I can’t guarantee 100%, but you’re almost guaranteed to have a happy, successful, long-term relationship, full of love and full of great sex. And that, honestly, is what I wish for everybody. It’s why I do the work that I do. So there you go. That is 10 secrets to a successful relationship. I hope that you learned something. I hope that you got inspired, maybe motivated to get out there and do something new, something different, to make your relationship amazing. And remember, as always, I want you to have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life.

Kevin Anthony 57:31
All right, everybody. That is all I have for this episode, and I will see you next week. I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab Podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe, leave me a review, and share it with your friends, and for more free exclusive content, join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening, and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!