Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, the place to be for honest and real talk about relationships and sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or a couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to help you have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life.

Kevin Anthony 0:23
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 382 and it is titled, Why sex becomes a chore and how to fix it. This is probably one of the most common things you hear from couples who have been in long-term relationships, like the sex just doesn’t have the spark anymore. It feels routine. It feels like it’s a chore. It feels like something we’re supposed to do, and really, it shouldn’t be like that. And it really doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, there’s no reason why sex has to be that way, it can be just as exciting 20 years later as it was in year one. And I know this for a fact, personally, but also with so many people that I’ve worked with. And I know people who’ve been together for decades and tell me the sex just keeps getting better. So if they can do it, you can do it too.

Kevin Anthony 1:19
And in this episode, what we’re going to do is we’re going to explore why does it get that way, and what are some of the problems that can occur when it does get that way. Why is it so important that we fix this problem, and how can we fix this problem? So we’re going to cover all of that in more in today’s show. I have a wonderful guest on today who’s going to help us unpack this, but before we get there, a couple of words from my sponsors.

Kevin Anthony 1:47
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Kevin Anthony 3:20
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Kevin Anthony 4:33
Okay. My guest today is Dr Stacy Friedman, and she is a clinical sexologist, certified sex and intimacy coach and the bold host of the purple passion project podcast, with 26 plus years in the medical field and 20 plus years working in the sexuality field, Dr Stacy helps people break down taboos, communicate clearly and build hotter, healthier intimacy without shame, as she believes. And expertise with humor and heart. Her motto, my passion is to help you create yours, because at the end of the day, you deserve a connection that’s honest, exciting, and hot as hell. Fuck yeah to that. Welcome to the show Dr Stacy.

Dr Stacy Friedman 5:16
And that’s the way to say it.

Kevin Anthony 5:19
That’s the only way you can say it, fuck yeah!

Dr Stacy Friedman 5:25
That’s great. Thank you for the introduction and for the invitation to be on your podcast. I’m very excited.

Kevin Anthony 5:31
You are very welcome. And I was on the Purple Passion Project as well. And I think this show is going to air just before your show. So if you weeks, if you listened to this one and you liked the interaction with Dr Stacey and I, please go check out my appearance on her podcast, the Purple Passion Project, that will be out pretty soon. Okay, so when we say sex gets boring, what do we mean? What does that look like for the average couple when you’re working with people, and they’re coming to you with this problem? How did they describe it?

Dr Stacy Friedman 6:08
Well, it’s kind of how you gave that example that this kind of subject hits a nerve with so many people because they are quietly having sex that they just don’t want and they just don’t know how to bring it up to their partner. It’s not because they don’t love their partner. It’s just that the sex kind of shifted from something that they may have desired into something that they feel like they’re responsible for, kind of like we were talking about, how it turns into an obligation, and that brings about being boring, you know? It just fades slowly and quietly, and it just gets boring.

Kevin Anthony 6:50
Yeah, I hear, you know, I hear couples describe it in a lot of ways, boring is definitely one of them. Obligation is another one. But they’ll often say, Yeah, well, you know, we just don’t do it as much as we used to. And when we do, it’s kind of the same old thing. It’s like, you know, I lick a little here, you suck a little there. We do a little penetration. It’s over. We move on and go about the rest of our evening or day or whatever. And whenever I hear that, I get so bummed out. To be honest, I’m just like so much more. It could be so much more. There’s no reason for it to be that way. So obviously, you know, this begs the question, how did it get that way? Because, you know, it wasn’t like that in day one. You know, if it were, if it were like that in day one, most people wouldn’t end up being married or stay in long-term relationships, right? So what happens over the course of a relationship that makes it such that the sex becomes that way?

Dr Stacy Friedman 7:54
Well, it was funny how you said a little over here, a little over there. I always like to joke around. And I say when I’m working with my clients and they’re sitting there, I said, Let me, let me know if I’m explaining your sex life, lips nips below the hips, and they kind of look at me, and I go, you kiss the lips, you kiss the nips, and then you go below the hips, and they just start laughing, because that’s all it is. For so many people. It’s that same old lips nips below the hips, explore, do other things, but it gets to a place I think of obligation or boring, because people are busy with work, with school, with their kids, and just, you know, tired at the end of the day. And also, a lot of times it becomes monotonous because so many people will just say yes to having sex just to avoid conflict, and so they’re not really having those conversations to say, You know what, I would really like to try this, or maybe we could do this.

Dr Stacy Friedman 8:53
They’re just doing it, just to do it, to get it done with. And they’re not talking about what could make it better. And they just feel like, let’s just do it, get it done with, and so we need to be able to start having those conversations a little bit more to try to bring about some interest, because sex is supposed to be fun, you know, we’re not having fun, and your brain is constantly trying to manage life. And then there’s, you know, a little bit of space left over for any type of eroticism, but you have to be creative, and a lot of people just don’t take the time to do that.

Kevin Anthony 9:26
Yeah, I agree. One of the big things that happens is people don’t prioritize, right? Because life gets busy. So, you know, you’ve got a million things happening. You maybe you you get married somewhat young, and you know, you’re really putting a lot of energy and effort into your career, because you’re starting out, you’re trying to build it, then you have kids, right? And you have all these obligations and responsibilities, and you’re right. A lot of couples say, by the time we get to the evening, right, like all the chores are done, yeah, the kids are finally in bed. We’re exhausted, and I totally understand. Like I get it, and at the same time, your relationship is important, and you need to prioritize. So you need to find ways to make that fit into your schedule one way or another. Another thing that I see also, and I’d be curious to hear your opinion on this, is, I Okay. So there’s the busyness part, right? All right, that’s true for a lot of people. But I will also hear a couple say, Well, it was never really that good anyway in the first place. So, right? So, you know, eventually, after a while, I just kind of was like, whatever. Have you? Have you heard that from couples before?

Dr Stacy Friedman 10:42
All the time, all the time. Listen, you know, when we’re in school, we’re not taught how to have sex. We’re taught not to have sex because we don’t want to get infections, and we don’t want to get pregnant. They don’t teach you how to have successful sexual relationships. And so we’re learning according to our experience, or what we hear from other people, or what maybe we watch on porn or videos or things like that. And so it is so important to once again, I go back to that communication people change, and I know what I liked when I met my partner 13 years ago is different than what I like now. And if things were not that great in the first place, and you’re seeing that as we’re going along in a long-term relationship, that things are getting worse or still kind of blah, then we just need to really have that conversation.

Dr Stacy Friedman 11:32
But so many people are afraid to make their partner feel bad or hurt their feelings. And I try to let people know, all you need to do is say, Hey, I love you. I love being with you. I think we could just make it even more fun and make it a positive note, rather than this sex sucks, I don’t want to do this anymore. Let’s do something else, you know, come from it with a place of curiosity and not judgment, and that hopefully partner will be like, oh, you know what? Maybe we should try something new. So many people start off just not knowing what they’re doing or just not enjoying it. That doesn’t mean it can’t change,

Kevin Anthony 12:10
Absolutely, it can absolutely change. And I think one of the things that’s really important for people to understand is that if it doesn’t change, then it leads to some of the problems that we’re talking about, right? So if in the beginning of your relationship, the sex is really not that good, but you kind of go in with it anyway, you know, whatever, and you don’t take the time to really fix it, you could end up down the road with not only this, sex is really boring and we don’t do it very often, but it could end up in we don’t do it at all. And that’s something I hear a lot from couples, too, is just it gets to the point where it’s like we haven’t had sex in five years.

Dr Stacy Friedman 12:48
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m working with a couple right now, believe it or not, who haven’t had sex in 15 years. They’ve been together for 27 years, and they have not had sex for 15 years, and now, all of a sudden, one of the partners is realizing that his days are almost over because he’s quite a bit older and things are not functioning very well, that if he doesn’t start doing things now, I’m like, Well, what happened those 15 years? Well, we never really talked about it, just like, oh my like, it’s mind blowing that you can go that long. And now the wife’s like, well, I’ve already had 15 years of no sex. I don’t want it now. So now they’re having these issues. But I always tell people that if you’re realizing that you’re not having sex in a matter of six months to a year, and if you are, it’s really, really bad, you need to take that time to change it.

Dr Stacy Friedman 13:40
Once you start hitting that six months to a year, it gets much harder because you get into that friend zone, and it gets awkward and uncomfortable. And you know, we have to kind of look at every situation, every partnership, differently, and not just assume that everybody is going to want the same things, because sometimes people will go into a relationship and be like, Oh, well, this past partner did this and they were fine with this. That’s where we have to have those conversations. Just say, Well, what would you be open to? You know? What would you be interested in? Let’s talk.

Kevin Anthony 14:14
Yeah, I agree that the longer you wait, the harder it gets, and it does. I’ve heard very similar things, especially, you usually hear this from the older couples, but, but, yeah, we haven’t talked about it in 15 years. Like, how do you not talk about it at all?

Dr Stacy Friedman 14:28
And then all of a sudden, expect your partner to want to do it?

Kevin Anthony 14:31
Yeah, it’s just, it kind of blows my mind. They don’t. But this is, this is one of the things that I’ve always loved about doing this podcast, and I love that there are other people like you doing similar podcasts, because the more we talk about these things, the more we give people permission to talk about them. There’s no reason why a couple who’s been together for a long time can’t talk about sex for 15 years. Like that just shouldn’t happen, right? So us having these conversations, I think, really. Helps enable people to have these types of conversations in their relationships. Hey, I noticed that we haven’t been connecting this way anymore. You know, is there a reason for this? Is there something I can do? Is there something, some need that you have or like, is there a way that we could work on this together and solve it like you need to be having those types of conversations?

Kevin Anthony 15:22
Now, something else that you just mentioned, which leads me kind of to my next question, which is, in your example, you were sharing that this, this man in this couple decided at some point that I don’t have a lot of time left, and I want to have some sex again before I die, kind of thing. Exactly, exactly. One of the questions I had was, I’m curious, from your experience, do you see this happening more, the idea that sex is getting boring or not really wanting it? Do you see this happening more for women or for men, or if it’s not, you know, lopsided one way or the other? Does it show up differently for women or men?

Dr Stacy Friedman 16:05
Well, you know, I’m going to generalize generally, the men wind up wanting it more or longer than the women, and that’s just generally speaking. I do have women who come to me because their partner has gotten older and things are not functioning as well, and they feel, as a man, less of a man due to the fact that they cannot. They’re putting their own pressure on themselves that they can’t perform. And so they stopped initiating, they stopped approaching. And the women are like, I’m so frustrated. I don’t even have to have a working penis. I just want affection. I want sex. I mean, like oral sex, whatever it is. I want to be intimate again. But my partner is getting older and is not happy with things not functioning, so he shuts down.

Dr Stacy Friedman 16:55
So I do hear it both ways, you know, and so that’s kind of where that mind shift, mind set shift, has to happen, because we always think of sex as like, Oh God, I gotta give my husband. I’m gonna say this about women, sorry, women, I have to give my husband sex. So many women feel that way. And what I try to do is say, look at it in a different way. It’s not something that you give your partner. It’s something you experience together. Okay, when it feels transactional, and you’re one-sided, where I have to do this for my partner, the body’s going to shut down, and it’s going to kind of like, self-protect and be like, This is not for me. This is not what I want. Sex is a transfer of energy. And if you come into that experience with that kind of downplaying energy, or that negative energy, that it’s just for the partner, you’re never going to like it.

Dr Stacy Friedman 17:48
And so to answer your question, I’m going to hear it from both men and women, except women, a lot of times, when I do hear it that they, as they’re getting older, they want to still connect. It’s usually because the men struggle with the function, and just don’t feel like a man because they’re not functioning properly. And then the opposite is that when women get into the menopause, and they’re not interested, and then all of a sudden, the husband’s like, All right, well, I don’t have much time left, you know? I need it, then we have that struggle. So it is a little bit of a mix.

Kevin Anthony 18:22
Yeah, and I agree with you. I see pretty much exactly what you just said, which is that if a man is able to function and they’re in, they haven’t had sex in a while. It’s usually the man driving the hey, I want to solve this problem. I want us to have sex again, right? So I do see that a little bit more. However, I do see a fair amount of exactly what you described, which is he’s struggling with erectile dysfunction generally, and so that causes him to have a lot of anxiety around sex. That tends to cause him to sort of pull back, not initiate sex. And I do hear from a fair number of women in their 60s and 70s saying, you know, I’m not dead yet. Like, I want…….

Dr Stacy Friedman 19:09
Their hormones, they’re raring to go. Yeah, they’re taking their testosterone, and they’re like, come on.

Kevin Anthony 19:14
Yeah, absolutely. And they’re trying to figure out, how do I get him to do something about it? And it’s really interesting, because the struggles are similar, yet different, in a sense that, you know, what I hear from the men and what I see from the women when working with these types of couples is when she’s the one, because she’s, you know, menopause at this point, and they haven’t had sex in a long time, and she’s just kind of given up on it probably wasn’t that good for her to begin with, right? So she’s like, Yeah, whatever. I find that she has little motivation, generally, to do anything about it. She’s just already resigned herself to be like, That’s it. I’m done. That phase of my life is done, right?

Kevin Anthony 19:55
And so that tends to be really frustrating for him, because he’s like, okay, but. Yeah, we’re still together. We still love each other. We still have needs, you know. And then on the other end, I find, again, similar but different, which is that, you know, there’s this whole psychological thing wrapped up around his ability, you know, to be able to get an direction and perform that a lot of these men, even though they probably still down inside want to have sex, yeah, the shame and stigma around them not being able to prevents them from going out and getting the help that they need to get back on track. And so she’s over there going, I don’t know how to get him to do something about this, right?

Dr Stacy Friedman 20:41
Well, because, like you said, there, they have shame, and they don’t even want to come and talk to me. And I know so many women who say I don’t know what to do. I’m like, well, let’s just get your, you know, partner, just to have a 15-minute complimentary consult. It’s not therapy. We’re just coaching. We’re just, oh, he won’t do it. I’m like, he doesn’t want to work on trying to have better sex. No, he doesn’t want to. He’s just annoyed. Okay, you know, it’s, I think it’s just that shame thing of feeling less than and not feeling less masculine. And hopefully, as you said before about the podcast being out there, hopefully people can listen to the podcast and say, Okay, well, I’m normal. First of all, I’m not the only one dealing with this, going through this, and then they can say, Oh, Han, I heard this on this podcast. So that way it’s not them telling their partner, it’s us telling their partner, get support, get the help you could have the rest of your years, and enjoy sex again, intimacy, connection?

Kevin Anthony 21:45
Yeah, absolutely. And I always try to help them understand that. Like, if you’re in a place, whether you’re a man or a woman, if you’re in a place where you’re like, you know what, I’m fine. I’ve just I don’t need it anymore. I can do without it. I go, okay, that may be true for you, but remember, you’re still in a relationship, right? And a relationship is a co-creation between two people, right? And so yes, there’s you and your individual needs, but there’s also the needs of the relationship itself, right? And I’m not saying you gotta, you gotta get into it where you’re just absolutely like sex is your favorite thing to do. 24/7, you don’t have to get to that space, but you should at least be able to get to the space where you recognize that this person that you love, this partner that you’ve been with for all these years, you want to make them happy. You want to make them feel good. And this is one small way in which you can do that, right?

Dr Stacy Friedman 22:38
And they’re also taking this whole idea of expectations, rather than looking at it as an invitation and looking at it as, you know, because expectations are going to create pressure. And so if the man is feeling, let’s say, struggling with erectile issues, and the woman is like, I need this. I need this. I need this. Try to look at it as an invitation to connect. And don’t look at it as Okay, we have to have intercourse. We have to have sex. It’s really about that connection, and as I said, that transfer of energy, and that’s going to be what makes the difference for some people who do have that shame, or do have those issues, because they’re thinking that they have to have intercourse, and that’s what’s important, and most of the time it’s not. And one other thing that we have to also, which is critical for people to remember, especially in long term relationships, we have to normalize responsive desire, and we have someone’s spontaneous desire in the relationship that may be horny right away, wake up in the mood, all that kind of stuff.

Dr Stacy Friedman 23:38
But most people, especially in longer-term relationships, are considered responsive, and so we have to be able to understand that most people are not going to be just turned on and ready for sex. And then, you know, decide, let’s have sex. We’re going to have to bring about the closeness that brings about the desire that brings about arousal. Okay, after we feel touch, after we feel safe, after we feel comfort. You know, doesn’t mean that there’s a problem in the relationship. It just means our body needs support. Warming up, not just women, but men, too. Yeah. So if we can kind of get in that mindset, it could help.

Kevin Anthony 24:15
Yeah, that is, that is really an important thing. And I want to talk a little bit more about that. When we get to, like, how do you shift this, right? How do you change it? Because that’s going to be a real key component to shifting this and changing this. And, you know, I just wanted to add to that. You know what I was saying before, this idea that, like, there are a lot of things that I do in a relationship that I wouldn’t necessarily do, or wouldn’t necessarily care to do that often, but I do them because they light my partner up right there. I’ve probably said at least three times in the last week to my partner. The best part of that was seeing how happy it made you.

Dr Stacy Friedman 24:58
And that’s what you hope for every. A partner would want for their partner, indeed, absolutely, you know, but then you start looking at relationships, and sometimes, if you don’t really care necessarily how your partner feels, then there might be something more in-depth that needs to be looked at in your relationship. You know, maybe there is some, you know, marital therapy or other things to have to you know, maybe there’s built up resentment, built up frustration, that maybe you need to get some support, because you should want to make your partner happy. And I know, like my husband, we wake up every morning, and I’ll joke around with him, not even joke around, but I’ll say, What’s your schedule today? And he jokes with me, but it’s, it’s an everyday thing. He’s like, Whatever I can do to make you happy. What do you mean? You know. And so I know. I just say joking around. I just like, Okay. I mean, don’t tell me that you’re going to make me happy today. Literally, what’s on your schedule? So you have to want to be there to make your partner happy?

Kevin Anthony 25:54
Yeah, I completely agree. I mean, we always have to remember too that like our partner’s happiness. If our partner is happy, how are they going to show up to the relationship, right? Happy, happy. If, then, if they show up to the relationship happy, what are the chances that we are going to be happier, right? And so this kind of leads me to, like, my next question was, what kinds of problems, you know, relationship or otherwise, can occur as a result of this, right? So we just basically hinted at one of them, which is that, you know, when you’re in this situation, people aren’t happy, right? And then they show up to the relationship not happy, and that just creates more unhappiness in the relationship. But what other types of problems could there potentially be by not solving this problem?

Dr Stacy Friedman 26:42
Well, I’ll tell you, just from the last couple of people that I’m working with, who have 15 years of no sex, and another one is seven years of no sex. There’s a lot of anger. We become touch-deprived. We become, you know, just feeling empty, and then we feel unloved and lonely and lost. And also, it’s not just in the bedroom. This comes out. This comes out at work. You’re more stressed at work, you’re not doing things in the home that you’re supposed to because you’re distracted, because you’re not getting the attention or the affection. So it really can take a toll on people’s mental status, and just even outside with relationships, people just decide they just want to stay home because they’re just not happy, and they don’t want to go out and celebrate with family and friends and things like that. Depression, anxiety, it just can really, really build. I know in my previous marriage, I felt more alone sitting right next to my partner on the couch than I did when I actually didn’t have him near me, you know. And so when you’re feeling that emptiness, it’s just miserable. It’s miserable, yeah.

Kevin Anthony 27:57
And you know, one more in addition to all those things that you just said that does tend to happen also is one partner finally decides, look, I’ve got to get my needs met, and if I have to do it outside of this relationship. So Bei, right? And so, so obviously, it can lead to leaving the relationship. But also, most times, what happens, at least from what I’ve seen, is that they end up seeking it outside without telling their partner. So they stay in the relationship. They have an affair outside, but they don’t share that information at all.

Dr Stacy Friedman 28:31
Right, yeah, no, that happens absolutely, and you know, because some people just don’t want to end their marriage. They have kids, they have money struggles. I’ve seen it many, many times. It’s not always easy for people to make that decision to get a divorce, not saying that I agree with going out and having affairs, but sometimes it’s what has kept some marriages together for the length of time. It has, but you just hope that you can have a supportive partner, where you can have these conversations, where it doesn’t have to end in that.

Kevin Anthony 29:07
Yeah, and you know, there have been a few times over the years of doing coaching where I have said to a couple, okay, here’s what I think you need to do, where I would actually recommend consensual non-monogamy. Oh, 100% now, I always save that as the absolute last thing to recommend, because that can have some of its own challenges. But I tell people, Look, if you’re that desperate and you need to get your needs met, doing it without your partner’s consent, without letting them know, is setting you up for a whole bunch of other problems in your relationship. And so it’s never the best route to go, but you can have open conversations, and I say this, I go, okay, look, there have been situations where I’ve coached people and said, You guys have been together. For 40 years, as long as you can say to each other and really mean it, I’m not going anywhere, right? But one lay, yeah, right. I’m not gonna leave you. I still love you. We’ve built this life together, but I have this need, and I’m and you’ve already made it clear that you have no desire to meet that need. How can I potentially get this need met elsewhere? And as long as you are both in agreement with that, right, then it’s workable, and it’s a possibility, right?

Dr Stacy Friedman 30:33
I think, though, with society, it makes it so much more difficult for people to even open their minds to that, because I have recommended that as well. And for example, this one couple with the 15 years, and I said to her, because she talked to me privately, why don’t you just leave it open for him to do that? And she’s like, No way. And I’m like, but if you’re not doing anything to help support his needs, you know, you’re just letting it sit there, you know? And I said, I know it’s not for everybody, but you know, if you’re happy in your marriage, maybe there’s a way that you can work it out. So we’re still figuring it out, but that is an option. It’s just that it’s sometimes not always easy for people to understand that it can be acceptable, or that you are grown adults. Whatever you’re consenting in your own relationship, you can make it work, indeed.

Kevin Anthony 31:26
So I want to take a short break here, and when we come back, I want to dive more into different ways that couples can solve this problem. We’ve hinted at a couple of them already, but there are a few more ways to a few things that you and I discussed in the pre interview call, and I want to go a little bit more in depth also in some of the things that we’ve already discussed, because one of the things that I absolutely love to do on this show is give people actionable stuff that they can take away. So obviously we have to talk about the problems, but I like to offer solutions, and so when we come back, I really want to give people some really good, concrete things that they can do if they find themselves in this.

Kevin Anthony 32:11
All right, are you a couple? Are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there changes you would like to make, but just don’t know how? Maybe you think there is nothing that can be done if you’re not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/couples/and schedule a strategy call with me today so we can map out a strategy to get you where you want to be, so you can have it all your way. And it’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/couples/. That is obviously an ad for my couples coaching program. We work on this exact thing and so many more things like this all the time. Whenever I can get both parties of a couple together, we can make so much more progress, so much faster. If you’re in a situation like this, then for sure, get the help you need. If you like, you can listen to my show. You like my message. You like the way I explain things. Great. Go to Kevin Anthony coaching.com forward slash couples. If you like, Dr Stacey works with couples and does this too. So at the end of the show, I will give her an opportunity to tell you exactly how you can get hold of her. I don’t really care who you work with, to be honest. I just want couples to get help. So check that out.

Kevin Anthony 33:28
Okay, so we’ve talked about, you know, the problem. We talked about, you know, what it means when sex gets stale and boring. We talked about some of the reasons for it. We talked about some of the problems that it can cause in your relationship, and along the way, we started to mention some of the solutions. Let’s dive a little bit deeper into those so a couple realizes that, oh my, we have not been prioritizing this. The sex is boring, or we haven’t had sex in five years. What can they do to solve this problem and get back on track?

Dr Stacy Friedman 34:07
There are really so many options, obviously, besides what you explained about talking to somebody, you know, a coach, a therapist, whatever. But there are so many things you can do to prioritize your relationship before you even get to that space. And I would say the first thing is, have a conversation. Have a conversation and actually schedule something. You know, because we were talking about how busy we are with kids, work, everything like that, and by the time the weekend comes, we’re just kind of like, oh geez. We just had a whole week with nothing scheduled. I think that scheduling can be something that can bring about fun, because a lot of people think scheduling could be boring, and you’re bringing about expectation, but you’re not. Make it an invitation. Make it like, Oh, I’m scheduling something for you that’s fun. Maybe we’ll take a bath, maybe we’ll take a shower, maybe we’ll play a game. Doesn’t have to mean sex. Intercourse, it could just mean connecting, yeah? So that could be one thing.

Kevin Anthony 35:04
That is an absolutely great one, and it’s something that I’m always telling couples when they’re struggling in this area, is, put it on the schedule, have a date night. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten feedback like, Yeah, but it’s not spontaneous. And I say, right, okay, do you want to wait six months for spontaneity to kick in or never? Or do you want to just schedule it and make it happen? Right? And I say the same thing that you do when you schedule it. We’re not saying, you know, at 6 pm on Thursday evening, you must put penis in vagina, like we’re talking about, yeah, even though that could be fun, that’s not what we’re saying exactly, exactly. You know, my wife, when she was her and I, we had two rules for date night, and my long-term listeners know this because they’ve heard it a million times, but we had a regularly scheduled date night every week from the day we started dating and until the very end, we had two rules.

Kevin Anthony 36:00
The two rules were, number one, we had to do something together. Now people always laugh about that. Well, of course, it’s date night, and I go, No, no. When we say together, we mean something where we’re focusing on each other, sitting there staring at a screen in a movie. Is not doing something together. We can do that any other night of the week, and we do, but on date night, we focus on connecting with each other in some way, and you mentioned a bunch of ways, play a game, right? Give each other a massage, like something, have a great conversation, you know, whatever, some way in which you’re actually connecting with each other. Rule number two for us was that, at some point during the date night, we had to get naked. Now we didn’t say we had to have sex. We just said we had to get naked. And on some nights, we’d be so tired that we’d be like, well, you know the rules, so we would get naked and we’d just cuddle, and then, of course, that would generally lead to sex.

Kevin Anthony 36:56
But what we loved about that was that we didn’t put pressure on each other that we had to have sex. We just said we’re going to connect. We’re going to get these bodies naked and touching each other, and then whatever else happens, happens, right? And so that’s just one example. You don’t have to have those same roles that you know Celine and I had, but I would suggest, if you’re struggling in this area, at least get it on the calendar and start by doing something where you’re connecting, right? So okay, so that’s good, have a conversation, right? And connect with each other. What other types of things can couples do?

Dr Stacy Friedman 37:37
I also think that a lot of times when we do have date nights, like you were mentioning a lot of times. If people are working their typical Monday through Friday, they have their date nights on a Friday night or a Saturday night. And so there’s that sense of expectation on a Friday or Saturday night that I got to have sex, and that’s where that, like, feeling of dread comes, oh God, we got to go out. We’re going to go to dinner. I’m going to feel so full. I feel like my stomach is going to fart poop. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m not comfortable. And then you come home, and you have this expectation of having to have sex because it was date night. That’s where we want to maybe schedule something during the week, so that’s something is to take that pressure off of the date night so you can enjoy the date and do something different and not have to worry about it turning into something if you’re tired.

Dr Stacy Friedman 38:25
But the main thing is having fun again. Okay, because I in my book, I have a chapter where ever the beginning of each chapter, I have a little quote, and one of the quotes says, if you’re not having fun while you’re have if you’re not laughing and having fun while having sex, you’re doing it wrong. And that’s basically that expectation that sex has to be boring, and you know, something that you have to do an obligation. We need to bring that fun back. We need to bring that flirtiness back, that playfulness back. And sometimes people never even had it in the first place, because it’s a skill. And sometimes they might need to learn the skill, and those are things that we can teach them, is how to bring some of that back, being able to have fun again. We don’t have enough fun when it comes to it.

Kevin Anthony 39:15
Yeah, I totally agree, and I just totally lost my train of thought. I hate when that happened. Happens. This is one of the things I love about, like, doing the show raw though, like, I’m not going to edit that out. I had a whole thing I wanted to say to you in that moment.

Dr Stacy Friedman 39:33
Flirting, playing games.

Kevin Anthony 39:35
It totally just left me. Okay, well, I know one of them that I wanted to say was something that a lot of people don’t realize, is that the scenario that you mentioned at the beginning of telling us that second one was that, Oh, you went out to dinner. Now I’ve eaten too much, and, you know, now, now I’m worried about, you know, farting or whatever. Guy. Don’t think about this, right? Guys do not realize that this is actually a thing. This is a huge thing for women. Women will actually, they’re in the restaurant, choosing what they’re going to eat based on that thinking, yeah, thinking ahead about what it might do to their stomach, and how they’re going to feel, and whether or not they actually want to get late.

Kevin Anthony 40:21
So these are genuine concerns that people don’t really think about, and therefore, I agree with what you were saying. Here’s the point I wanted to make that left my mind ever saying, is that idea of you’re right? A lot of people will say, Oh, Friday and Saturday night, that’s when we go out. Okay? Well, if that’s when you want to go out and you want to have a few too many drinks, or you want to eat too much at the fancy restaurant. That’s obviously not going to make for a great sexual connection later on, even though you think it will, but it trusts me, it doesn’t separate. It just like you said, have your date night, this particular date night, this connection-based date night on a different night, right?

Dr Stacy Friedman 41:00
And then use that night when you come home to either pass out if you’re exhausted, or use it to have kind of what you were saying, that naked cuddling, or just even a nice shower, to just clean up after a night, cuddle in the shower, wash each other, so you could still do something sensual. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual, and that’s one of the main things that people are missing when they talk about obligatory sex. We’re talking about boring sex, is that it’s either going from people just being affectionate, maybe holding hands, giving each other hugs and kisses throughout the day once in a while, to straight to having to have sex. And we’re missing the eroticism. We’re missing the teasing, the flirting, the playfulness, and a lot of times when I tell people, yeah, I said, my husband and I, I came downstairs after brushing my teeth in the morning, and he took my glasses off, and he just made out with me. Made me weak in the knees.

Dr Stacy Friedman 41:53
Then we went about our day, and everyone’s like, Well, how did you stop? I’m like, you just stop. You make out, you tease each other, and then you know what? Two hours later, it’s probably going to kill me for saying this, but two hours later, he was joking around. He’s like, Oh, well, you’re looking hot. I want to do you upstairs or something like that. I said, Okay, and I just grabbed him and went upstairs and just pushed him on the bed and just went crazy. And the whole idea behind that is that we did not set up any expectations. We made sure we do flirting and all that kind of stuff. And it brings the juices flowing, it gets you going for when it is time to do something. So that way, when you do have time for spontaneity, you could take advantage of it. And I am now responding to something that he did, yeah, that is do that. I probably wouldn’t have brought him upstairs.

Kevin Anthony 42:41
And that is a great example. So again, it’s a thing that I often teach people as well, that I call basically the constant state of arousal, which is this idea of doing those little things day in and day out. You know, the little make-out session here, the little minute and a half of oral sex there, grabbing each other’s butts, giving each other confidence.

Dr Stacy Friedman 43:03
It doesn’t have to end in an orgasm. Let it build.

Kevin Anthony 43:08
So those things help build that passion and that desire. And the other thing that I want to mention, which is basically, you know, something you shared earlier in our conversation, was, this is really a change in mindset, this whole idea that, as you said, you’re telling this friend, what do you mean? You just stopped. See, that’s why people are so surprised. You’ve got to shift your mindset. And this is I will. I got to call out men here on this one, too. This is one that men do all the time. It’s like, well, now you got me turned on. So now you’ve left me with these blue balls. It’s just like, No, dude. Sorry, that’s not how it works. And if you want to have, you know, this kind of turn on throughout the day, if you want to have her wanting you, grabbing you, and taking you upstairs and jumping on top of you, you’ve got to do things like this. Because the thing is, if she thinks that every time she grabs your butt or, you know, grabs your crotch or whatever, that now she’s got to go through the whole act of sex, she’s just not going to do those things anymore. She’s gonna, I’m not touching him, I’m not kissing him, because then he’s gonna want whatever.

Dr Stacy Friedman 44:17
To spend half an hour doing this when I just wanted to have a make-out session. I just wanted to make out for a minute,

Kevin Anthony 44:22
Exactly. So changing that mindset is another big one.

Dr Stacy Friedman 44:26
Yeah, no, absolutely. And when sex consistently prioritizes one partner’s pleasure or their pace, the other partner just disconnects, and it doesn’t thrive. And we want to thrive, and that’s when you have to bring about the pleasure through the day, bring about the speed, the pace, the curiosity, all that kind of stuff throughout the whole day.

Kevin Anthony 44:48
Absolutely okay. We’re getting close to the end of the show. Any other advice or things that people can do? We talked about mindset. We talked about making it. Fun. We talked about scheduling date nights. What other things can couples potentially do?

Dr Stacy Friedman 45:07
Well, I think that we need to look at how we have our daily relationships a lot of times. What I find when I’m working with couples is that we are not prioritizing our partner. One of the things, as I said before, about my husband, every single day, even the night before we wake up, he’s always saying, What can I do for you tomorrow? What can I do for you today? What do you need to make your day easier? Always try to look at something that you can do for your partner, to make them feel that you value them, to make them feel that they’re seen and heard. Is there anything you want to talk about? You know, always, and I keep going back to that curiosity word, having maybe even a weekly meetup on a Sunday, and just saying,

Dr Stacy Friedman 45:53
So, how was your week last week? What can we do to make things better? We don’t take the time, even if it’s 10 minutes, to just sit and relax, grab a glass of tea or a glass of wine, whatever you’re into, sit outside on the patio and just talk, go through questions, learn each other again, and start bringing about things that are new, because we thrive as humans, just in General, on newness, on variety, on things that we don’t know. And so if we can bring about some questions and some ideas of something new to do, do something new for your partner, and then have your partner do that and take advantage of it weekly. I’ll do something new this week. You do something new next week. It also means bringing a new toy, bringing a new position, doing something new, sexual, not lips nips below the hips.

Kevin Anthony 46:46
Variety. The first time I heard you say that when we were talking before the show, the lips nips below the hips, I cracked up. It’s such a catchy way to describe how a lot of people just go through the motions. Yeah, it really is. Don’t be that person. Don’t be the lips and nips below the hips. Just make it fun, you know, be playful, be curious, try new things. These are all the things that you’re suggesting. That’s how you can keep it fun and, you know, long-lasting, right? As I said, there is no reason why sex has to get boring or why it has to get stale, and we have given you a bunch of ideas. Now, if you didn’t hear them, go back, rewind, listen to it again, write them down, incorporate them into your relationship and into your day-to-day life, and then see how things transform. And if you’re struggling with it, if you’re trying these things, and you’re just like, I don’t know, I tried this, it didn’t work. I tried that, it didn’t work, or maybe I’m not doing it right, so I just get some help. You do not have to wing it. You don’t have to do it all on your own. There are plenty of people out there that can help you get your relationship and your sex life back on track, which, of course, leads me into how can people find more about you, your work, your book, your podcast, all the stuff that you are doing to help people.

Dr Stacy Friedman 48:23
All the good, juicy stuff. I am all over the internet in the best of ways. Dr Stacy Friedman, there’s no E in my name for Stacey, so it’s S, T, A, C, Y. DrStacyfriedman.com, I’m all over TikTok. Dr Stacy Friedman, Instagram, Facebook, I do TikTok lives all the time. So if you do have questions, I can answer them on a TikTok live three nights a week. I have my podcast. It’s called the Purple Passion Project, and that’s all on the major podcast platforms. And I do have a book called Confessions and Lessons of a sexpert, and it’s just a basic intimacy guide to better sex that can be found also on my website, DrStacyfriedman.com, so feel free to check it out. And I do offer the 15-minute consults that are complimentary, in case anyone wants to make sure we’re a good fit. And I do have, if you join the newsletter, which is on my website, you do get a free PDF on 10 things that your partner may like to see or hear in the bedroom.

Kevin Anthony 49:32
All right, all right. And the link to your website and socials is in the description below. So check that out. Dr Stacey, I want to thank you for coming on the Love Lab podcast and sharing your knowledge and wisdom.

Dr Stacy Friedman 49:46
Absolutely and thank you. And I look forward to our show in the next couple of weeks as well, and that way the audience gets both of us twice.

Kevin Anthony 49:56
Yes, awesome. And just. Reminder for everybody that the podcast will be coming out shortly after this one, and it is the Purple Passion Project podcast, so make sure that you check that out, because you will get to hear both of us again. All right, one last time. Thank you again for coming on the show. I really appreciated it. I loved everything that you shared, and I really hope that people got value from it.

Dr Stacy Friedman 50:21
Absolutely hope so as well. Thank you.

Kevin Anthony 50:23
All right, everybody. That’s all the time that I have for this episode, and I will see you next week.

Kevin Anthony 50:36
I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe, leave me a review and share it with your friends, and for more free exclusive content, join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening, and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!