How To Spot A Narcissist?

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast, a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy, and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 145. And it’s titled How to spot a narcissist. This is something that comes up quite a lot. And I don’t know if it’s just because the area we live in, you know, it is Southern California, no offense but. But this really comes up a lot. We’ve had quite a few friends and clients as well who struggle in dating and relationships with narcissists.

Kevin Anthony 0:58
And it seems that some people have a tendency to keep attracting narcissists, over and over and over again; it’s this pattern that we see in their relationship choices. And so we have a special guest on the show today who is going to help us unpack that a little bit, hopefully, and figure out why these things happen. And yeah, I think it’s gonna be a fascinating conversation,

Manny Santana 1:19
and there might be something about you that you might need to change. Ooh, spoiler alert. Before we get to that, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and master rear power and mastery.com it is the complete sexual mastery training for men.

Céline Remy 1:40
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Céline Remy 1:51
So our guest today is Manuel Santana, he grew up outside of Boston, and he was always a people person and had a passion for helping others. In May 2016, he founded meet to keep matchmaking services in Miami. For experienced research, observation and conversations, he gathered knowledge and expert expertise to develop an amazing concept which he decided to put into a book, Secrets of the guy code the balance of power.

Céline Remy 2:19
And I know not only does he have a book, he has an online course as well. But he’ll tell us more about that later in the show. But welcome manual to the show.

Manny Santana 2:28
Thank you. Thank you, both of you, for having me. It’s a pleasure. And I look forward to this show. We have a lot to talk about.

Kevin Anthony 2:39
All right, so let’s just dive right in. And the first question is, you went from matchmaker to relationship coach. And so we were curious, what did you learn from matchmaking that made you want to go into Relationship Coaching?

Manny Santana 2:56
Well, for starters, matchmaking is usually for visiting business professionals that don’t have time. To find people, you know, it’s kind of like personalized online dating. But the thing is, if, you know, let’s say, I’m attracted to a certain type of woman and, but I’m single, and my relationships never work out. But I’m very adamant about a certain type of woman.

Manny Santana 3:26
And I tell the matchmaker, can you find me, someone, that looks like this? Does this for a living, whatever the case maybe? And, you know, as a matchmaker, I have to just go by what, what you want. And I can set you up on 10 dates, and you never get a second date, simply because I keep setting you up with exactly what your problem is.

Manny Santana 3:51
Because you’re not telling me that that’s what your problem is, I’m just providing you a service. So I figured was, you know, there is no benefit, especially for what I’m trying to accomplish my message. I felt like matchmaking wasn’t, the solution. And I needed another light, you know, area of expertise if you will.

Kevin Anthony 4:15
Yeah, so so that actually makes a lot of sense. Because basically, what you’re saying is, you’re you were trying to help people connect right matchmaking, but what you kept finding is that there were underlying patterns of behavior that were underneath what they were saying they wanted, that kept preventing them from being able to successfully matchmake very, very interesting. You know,

Manny Santana 4:37
I also find that when we work with clients, I know people think, Oh, I want this certain type of person in my life. And if you are so focused on the outside appearances, it’s really a red flag that there’s something not that you’re not looking at because if you look if you go by how the person looks, usually you will go for the wrong person. And starting to look into like, what kind of person you want, like, how do you want to feel around that person and the energy like all of that.

Céline Remy 5:08
And this is when things start to shift. And I can see how you can guide people to start to discover what their wants are when you do the coaching work, but it’s the matchmaking. Well, they’re just like, Hey, I’m paying you. And this is what I want to give me what I want independently of having a great result. So I see that.

Céline Remy 5:26
So I want to bring it back to you a little bit here, Manny, because you described yourself as being the nice guy who finished last that was kind of your previous life when we were talking. This is me, the nice guy who finished his last, you know, and it’s like, oh, great, and maybe some of our listeners can relate to that. So tell us about your own personal experience and how it relates to the balance of power too like, what it means to be the nice guy’s finish last, and then how you went from there.

Manny Santana 5:59
Alright, well, when I was a kid, I was always shy. You know, first grade, second grade, third grade, fourth grade, I was shy probably until fifth and sixth grade, maybe seventh grade. But I was always really shy. So. Um, so I was shy to make friends. And I was shy to talk to girls. But then, when I got older, in middle school, I wasn’t shy to make friends anymore.

Manny Santana 6:25
But I was still shy to talk to girls. Um, so it was like a, it was like, going from level to level step by step, you know, being able to make friends and being able to talk to girls. So then, when I got to high school, that’s when, you know, the shyness started to go away. And I started having the courage, if you will, to talk to girls. But nice guys finish last, you know, is the law of natural selection.

Manny Santana 6:54
Like Darwin, you know, is it’s, you know, alpha males have more tenacity, and they’re not gonna waste time they see a beautiful girl, they’re gonna go talk to her, they’re gonna make it happen, they’re going to build some sort of chemistry. And actually, no, they’re dating, Bing, bam, boom.

Manny Santana 7:13
The nice guy, he’s gonna be shy about it, he’s gonna be hesitant, he’s not gonna approach her if he does approach her, he’s gonna be kind of sluggish, she’s not gonna build interests, then she’s just gonna friendzone him, she’s gonna say, Oh, I had no idea you trying to talk to me. And he’s not gonna data. And she’s gonna think the alpha male, and he’s just gonna sit there and just be on the side.

Manny Santana 7:36
And maybe down the line, after she gets heartbroken, then she’s gonna give him a chance. But then that comes with some sort of baggage. Now he has to tolerate any type of abuse if that happened, anything that happened, where it, it destroyed her emotionally. And now she takes the anger on the nice guy, and he has to tolerate it. But if he was, if he had to nasty, to begin with, he would have been, you know, second in line.

Kevin Anthony 8:08
So I’m curious, you know, you mentioned alpha male. And other than tenacity, what is it about the alpha male that tends to get the woman?

Manny Santana 8:19
Well, an alpha male has natural courage and bravery, for example, someone who’s a firefighter, you know, a service member in the army, you know, things like that. Any type of job that you have to like, put your life at risk. It takes a lot of bravery and a lot of courage. You know, you’re not gonna find someone like Bill Gates. You know, he’s not an alpha male. He’s not like a big, strong, tough guy.

Manny Santana 8:53
You know, he’s mobile intellect. So an alpha male is fearless. So fearless when it comes to anything, including approaching a stranger, an alpha male is confident. And, you know, women love confidence. That’s, that’s what makes a man attractive. He has confidence that you know, when he walks, he has confidence. He exudes this aura of confidence that attracts her to him. So when he approaches her he has, you know, confidence, and that makes her interesting. You know, the nice guy might say, hi. So,

Manny Santana 9:32
some of our listeners might be in a place of like, Okay, well, Manny, that sounds good, but I don’t want to be an asshole. And I’m just curious because this is something we’ve talked about in other shows, and that’s things that we teach, but I want to get your opinion on that because I do find that a lot of men are being torn between this idea of the alpha male and the associate certain characteristics, but they also associate some of the more negative traits and they like it I want to be that person.

Céline Remy 10:01
I don’t want to be the John Wayne guy because that didn’t work in the past. So then they want to be more of the nicer guy, but that doesn’t really work. Ivor. So how do you find that balance? Is there a difference between the alpha male and like a, I’m going to use the term healthy expression of alpha male versus unhealthy? Like, what’s your opinion on that?

Manny Santana 10:22
I’m glad you mentioned that. Um, so, how this journey really started, I was, like, 1617 years old, I was in high school. It was this girl I was really interested in. And I found, like, this dating coach can’t pronounce his name. He was like Italian. And I was like, a really long, hard name. But, he just went by Mr. P. Um, so I would, you know, purchase his course I was in his newsletter.

Manny Santana 10:55
He would talk about the very same thing that you’re talking about that, you know, people have to understand a balance, where, you know, women, they like bad boys not because the fact that they’re rude, but because of the fact that they’re not pushovers. You know, the fact that you know, like, women like to test a man to see if he’s, like, emotionally strong to see if he can, if he can tolerate if he can handle her, and a nice guy can never handle her.

Manny Santana 11:24
She might just snap out of them. He’s like, okay, sorry. But the asshole jerk who fucking talking to, but I’m not saying that. That’s like how you’re supposed to talk. But the point is, he gets her to respect them. And, and she’s not gonna disrespect him again. So there’s a way you can be assertive. Without being an asshole.

Manny Santana 11:47
You can say, um, don’t talk to me like that ever again. If you talk to me like that, I’m just gonna walk away. I know, my worth. I’m not tolerating that is men have to know how to be assertive, you can’t be passive. And you can’t be aggressive. You just have to be in the middle of assertive.

Manny Santana 12:01
And I love that you saying assertive because one of my clients I was working with, kept saying she wants me to be more aggressive. And I was like, No, she doesn’t want you to be aggressive. She wants you to be assertive. And that’s exactly what I kept telling him. And I would agree with the women being attracted. We went to see a show a few weeks ago, and there was a really bad character that was kind of like representing like, the devil that bed energy. And then I was just telling Kevin, man, he’s so fucking hot. And he was a good-looking guy.

Kevin Anthony 12:34
He was ripped right big muscles. So you know, that’s a very masculine trait. He had these like skin-tight leather pants on. And his attitude was like he was in charge. Yes.

Manny Santana 12:46
And so that’s exactly what we realized. And he wasn’t I mean, yes, he was muscular. But he was still a thin man. Not that he was like an Arnold Schwarzenegger type thing, you know. But what was interesting is, I was so turned down by the persona, and not because he was evil, he was doing bad things. But what I loved was that he just was going after what he wanted. And that’s what as a woman, I was finding so attractive.

Kevin Anthony 13:11
And so But see, this is the problem that women run into all the time, which is they think they want the bad boy because they don’t understand what they really are seeking in that bad boy, which is everything that you were saying Manny, right, it’s the drive you know, sort of taking charge. It’s being masculine. It’s all of those things, the traits that we would call masculine, but the concept of creating polarity between her and him, and that’s what she’s really seeking.

Kevin Anthony 13:44
And unfortunately, there I think in today’s day and age, there aren’t enough men that are good examples of that healthy masculinity. And that’s where I think a lot of women struggle because they’re not attracted to the softies, but they try to date the bad boys and the bad boys treat them like shit. They’re not happy there either.

Céline Remy 14:04
Yeah. So how do narcissists fit into this picture? Now? We want to bring it all the way back to the theme of today’s show.

Manny Santana 14:14
Okay, so in Ethnology, you know, alpha male, beta male, omega male, the alpha male being like the top of the food chain, it’s quite easier for an alpha male to be a narcissist than an Omega male. To be a narcissist. The reason being is because narcissists are very self-absorbed narcissist, they feel as if the world revolves around them. And the thing is, that tends to be attractive to women. The reason being is because if I’m a narcissist, I think the world revolves around me.

Manny Santana 14:55
I’m going to take care of myself, so I’m going to always look my best then on top Because I think the world revolves around me, I’m not going to tolerate shit from anyone. So if a girl says, I’m leaving, okay, leave, get the fuck out. Right? That’s what a narcissist says. Because the world belongs to him, you know, it’s just like, I don’t care.

Manny Santana 15:14
But women find that attractive as well. Because it’s like, Wow, he can actually live without me with a nice guy who said, Please don’t go. Now, see, the thing is, so again, that the dating coach from when I was in high school, one of his newsletters, I never forgot, he said, the deepest, darkest secret that women have. And he just went on and on and on just to build, you know, excitement and build tension.

Manny Santana 15:41
And at the final thing, in the end, he said, the biggest secret that women have what they want more than anything is to feel like she belongs to someone. Not that but not that she’s owned by him, but she belongs to him, there’s a difference. There certainly is a huge

Kevin Anthony 15:58
difference. It’s a huge difference. And yet, it’s hard for a lot of people to see.

Manny Santana 16:03
Yes. And so like when I tell people being in control, and being controlling are two different things. Being dominant, and dominating are two different things. So, women, want the man to be in control. But a lot of men, see that as being controlling, no, you can’t go out. No, you can’t wear that.

Manny Santana 16:25
No, you can’t do and that’s where the feminist movement comes in, where it’s like, women have been oppressed by men, for centuries, but it’s because of this, the toxic masculinity trait of thinking that we have to control you, instead of being in control is like we have to control you. And that’s, that’s where the problem lies.

Manny Santana 16:45
Yeah, don’t I always say there’s no such thing as toxic masculinity, I don’t think they should go together. But there are toxic behaviors. And again, it’s understanding that the difference between being dominant and dominating, controlling and control in control like this is such a fine line.

Céline Remy 17:02
But once you start to understand that within yourself, and that you can embrace those qualities from the masculine, I believe that definitely increases your power and your attractiveness towards women for sure.

Kevin Anthony 17:19
Yeah, you know, I always, I always used to use the examples that I guess I still do use examples to try to illustrate the difference between those two. And so like, I used to use this example a lot where I would say, okay, the two of you were trying to decide where you want to go for dinner. So the nice guy, he goes, well, where would you like to go?

Kevin Anthony 17:37
And she says, Oh, I don’t know where would you like to go? Well, wherever you want to go, right? That’s and then get back in this thing. And no decision gets made. She gets frustrated,

Céline Remy 17:46
frustrated, she’s like, Oh, my God help me, I can’t decide because she’s in that time where she can’t decide.

Kevin Anthony 17:53
So the controlling man says, We’re going here, and that’s that whether you like it or not, this is my favorite place. This is where we’re going. And boom, that’s that she doesn’t really have a say. Whereas the man who’s in control says, I got a great idea. How about I take you to your favorite Thai restaurant? But then she might say, Yeah, but you know, we just had Thai the last time we’re not really in the mood for it.

Kevin Anthony 18:15
And then he said, Okay, no problem. I’ve got another idea how about instead of the Thai place, we go to your other favorite place? So he’s, he’s in control, in a sense that he’s making the decisions, yet he’s listening to her and not controlling her.

Manny Santana 18:30
Yes, that’s a very good example. And, you know, I was I learned that concept through that relationship coach when I was in high school, that’s exactly the same way, you know, he would illustrate it. And I think it’s important for, you know, in society that we, we understand that concept.

Manny Santana 18:52
Because people, you know, it would be a win-win situation, because at the end of the day, we can’t change women’s nature that they want the man that’s in control, that’s just a woman’s nature.

Manny Santana 19:04
But, you know, if we keep producing, you know, toxic behavior, I like what you said toxic masculinity shouldn’t go together, but men who portray toxic behavior, if we keep producing that in society, then what do the women have to choose from? All they’re going to have is a bunch of men who just want to be you know, controlling, and, and dominating. And, you know, I can as if women have no type of say in anything, and that’s just wrong.

Kevin Anthony 19:37
So wait, before we jump to the next question. Right now, I can hear some feminists screaming at their iPod phones, whatever they’re listening to. They’re screaming, right? I absolutely do not want to be controlled by I can hear people are already having that reaction to some of this but saline as the one woman in this conference. I want to know, like, just very clearly say to the audience, what your opinion on that is, do you agree with it? Do you not agree with it? Is it total bullshit? Or are you like, hell? Yeah, I already know your answer. But I want you

Manny Santana 20:14
to, you know, I can see both sides. So I totally agree with that concept. But I also see as a woman who went through different evolutions that there’s a time where you want to be seen as independent and want to free yourself and like, I don’t need a man. And what I’ve learned for that is, yeah, I don’t need a man. But when I’m in that energy, I can create the most harmonious relationship that I could ever have.

Céline Remy 20:52
Oftentimes, I will feel depleted at the end of the day are overwhelmed or stressed out. I had to come to a place then where I went from, oh, I need a prince charming to save me to I don’t need a man to then I want a man. And once I really made peace with that, and I could appreciate the masculine for the qualities that it would bring. I was able to attract the most amazing men ever and have this relationship.

Céline Remy 21:22
And it’s funny because we joke about things because I do love to belong to Kevin. And we joke about this between ourselves when it’s like oh, your mind, and I’m like, Oh, yes, I’m yours. Because I know I’m totally free in this relationship. But I love to be claimed and so I had to do the inner work within myself to understand that accepting being claimed or accepting somebody else. Power did not dismiss mine, it actually increased mine.

Céline Remy 21:55
And so that’s, I think it kind of ties in with some of the things that you talked about, about that balance of power. So once I owned mine, and I wasn’t afraid of it in another in a man, it really created the most amazing relationship. But before that, I was a strong woman who dated weaker men, and they all ended does relationship for sure.

Kevin Anthony 22:18
Okay, so let’s, let’s get back a little bit to the narcissist sure piece of it. So, so we’ve kind of talked about how they show up and how men who tend to be alpha males, like kind of narcissists tend to always be alpha males. And it’s hard to tell an alpha male, a regular alpha male apart from a narcissist. So the question is, you know, one, how can you tell you’re in a relationship with a narcissist? And then, you know, what do you do when you’re in a relationship?

Manny Santana 22:53
Very good question. So, in the “alphahood”, what I like to call alpha hood, there’s, you know, for different forms of alpha males, there are physical alpha males and sexy alpha males as emotional alpha males, and there are mental alpha males. So, um, so the very first thing that people have to understand is just because a guy is six foot four and muscular doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a narcissist doesn’t mean he’s abusive, doesn’t mean any of that stuff.

Manny Santana 23:21
You know, look at Dwayne The Rock Johnson, you know, he used to be a wrestler, but you know, he should simply because he was physically fit but he’s like this nice guy, sweetheart, teddy bear guy, you know, I mean, like, he’s like, harmless, you don’t see him beating people up or anything like that. So he’s, he’s a physical alpha male, but he’s not like an emotional alpha male where he has absolutely no emotions. So a narcissist is within those four realms tends to be emotional alpha males or mental alpha males.

Manny Santana 23:58
What I mean by that is someone who, who has, who’s emotionally unavailable. Sometimes they really just emotionally absent. And people just they translate that as he’s just confident. No, he just has no emotion. So there’s something called the dark triad traits. The three dark triad traits are narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopath? So within those three traits, those all pretty much fall into emotional alpha male ism because Machiavellianism is someone who is like, deceptive, he’s manipulative, or a female can be a narcissist.

Manny Santana 24:47
So it’s a person that you know, they have no regard for morality. So they will screw you over if it benefits them but no problem. A psychopath has no emotion, can do something, and feel no regret towards it, they don’t care. And a Narcissus is someone who they feel as they put the blame on other people, you know, even if I did something to you, I’m going to say that it’s your fault.

Manny Santana 25:17
So when you put all those three things together, you know, if you’re dating someone that you know, let’s say, for example, you plan a date, and you’re going out on a date for the first time, and, you know, you end up you’re late to the date, or he’s late to the date and he says, It’s your fault. I’m late because you made me this. Like if they always turn it around and placing it on you, that’s a red flag.

Manny Santana 25:46
Yeah, gaslighting, perfect. You know, someone who gas lights, someone who, you know, the only concern about their feelings, what they want, what they need, and they can care less about what you want how you feel. You got to hit the road. Now, as far as what do you do is you find out you’re in a relationship. That’s the tough part.

Manny Santana 26:05
The reason being is because so this lady on YouTube, I can’t remember her name. And, you know, that’s what her YouTube channel is about. And it’s funny, like, in the beginning of the show, you guys said, you know, you’re in South Southern California and the narcissism. I was watching her channel one day, and she said, statistics show that Southern California has the highest percentage of narcissists in the country.

Kevin Anthony 26:30
I am not surprised, I haven’t made that a joke. But it was a joke based on my actual personal experience.

Manny Santana 26:39
It’s an actual thing. It’s easy to become a narcissist in Southern California because you’d have to be about yourself. You know, it’s very self absorbed, you know, so I had to laugh, like, quietly when you said that I was like, Man,

Kevin Anthony 26:57
I’ve been here 20 years, but I grew up on the east coast. So you know, I can feel the differences.

Manny Santana 27:02
Yeah, it’s not a question Is it really, statistically, Southern California does have the highest percentage of narcissism. But what people have done is, and the reason why it’s so hard to, to, like detect narcissism is that narcissism is a behavioral problem. It’s not like something like, someone who’s bipolar does, that’s, that’s like, that’s a medical condition that you can’t that, you know, you have to seek, you know, like psychiatric help, you know, medication the whole nine yards.

Manny Santana 27:34
So that’s a medical disorder. But narcissism is a behavioral disorder. So it’s, it’s harder today to detect, and it’s harder to diagnose. So that’s what makes it tricky. That’s what makes it hard.

Manny Santana 27:46
But, you know, it’s just a little science. And someone who has so so to really answer your question, if you love yourself, if you have self-worth, then once you realize you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’ll be easy for you to walk away, someone who doesn’t love themselves, they might stay with the narcissist because they, they want to help. Or they, you know, they just see they see the good in the person.

Manny Santana 28:13
And, or they just don’t want to be alone. So they just stick with the person and one year turns into five years turns into 10 years turns into 20 years. And by then you’re just completely destroyed. So the way to walk away from the narcissist is to love yourself first.

Manny Santana 28:29
Oh, this is great. And I want to come back to that. But we’re going to do a quick break for our second sponsor of the day. And we have an invitation to all the couples listening to the love podcast, if you are a committed couple who is stuck in a rut and just going through the daily motions, instead of connecting the way you used to. And you’re tired of stale, mechanical sex that like spontaneity and fun and you don’t want to live a life of average, then Kevin and I would like to invite you to join our highly sexy power couple Platinum program.

Céline Remy 28:59
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Kevin Anthony 29:18
Yeah, this whole thing that we are talking about with polarity and masculinity, you know, was the major topic that we cover in that course.

Manny Santana 29:25
Absolutely. Manny, you touched on some very important points here about self-love and kind of codependency where somebody has a wound right? So you don’t love yourself, you don’t think you worthy. So then you go and seek out people who will reinforce and kind of like keep cutting, keep cutting that that wound open because it’s kind of there and it’s kind of like say, See, I am not that lovable and it’s the proof and our being the thing that narcissists from what we’ve seen because as we said, we’re in Southern California and we’ve seen many of those.

Céline Remy 29:59
They kind of like Even though they like to spot them, and they’re like, I can get power from like this weakling little being here. And there’s literally they feeding off each other. Have you seen in your experience are narcissists actually change?

Manny Santana 30:19
Um to be honest that you know. I mean I even talked to therapists about it and they say that narcissism is literally like I said, it’s one of the hardest things to detect and at the same time is one of the oddest things to like to get rid of. So it’s like, the way I put it, like once the narcissist is a narcissist, so that’s why it’s like, you can’t sit there and try to fix or change the narcissist you really can’t, you’re wasting your time.

Manny Santana 30:52
So and I’m glad you said about that, you know, they, they seek out weak links, you know, narcissists are predators, you know, either their emotional predators, or their physical predators, or whatever the case may be, they, they prey on the weak, and they’re very opportunistic, you know, they know that, okay, I can get, I’ll be able to get her to do this for me, I’ll be able to get him to do this for me, I’ll give it to control them, I’ll be able to get money from him, I’ll be able to, you know, I mean, whatever the case may be, you know, that’s, that’s just what they do.

Manny Santana 31:27
So, like, in my book, I explained, what I call validated relationships, and dominated relationships. dominated relationships are when it’s based around the man and validated relationship as well as based around the woman. So and a woman’s form of power is attention. A man’s form of power is controlled. So of narcissistic, female, she wants power, and her form of power is attention.

Manny Santana 31:54
She wants everything. You know, like the little dolly doll, she thinks everything is about her, the world is hers. She doesn’t do anything for him, he has to give her all this attention, money, do all this. She’s a narcissist as well, but people don’t notice that. Because, you know, she’s emotionally opportunistic. But people don’t notice that. Okay, that’s a problem too. And a man that wants power, His form of power is control. So he wants to be controlling, he wants to be dominating.

Manny Santana 32:25
That’s why I call it a dominant relationship. And in her she wants everything to be validated as I call it validated relationship. The way you balance the power is one if you get rid of codependency if you love yourself, you want to give them away from power from the jump. Because once you give a narcissist power, they’re going to continue to just take power away from you. And it’s, literally impossible to balance it. You know?

Manny Santana 32:51
So if you date someone who’s not a narcissist, who’s you know, it’s a give and takes, if you give, and they give you give a give, then you’re balancing the power but you’re dating a narcissist, whether it’s a female narcissist or male narcissist, you’re giving to them and they just taking they’re just talking, they’re just talking, and you’re just gonna lose a man,

Manny Santana 33:12
you brought some really good points, I’m glad that you talked about this because I wanted to really touch that Narcissus can come like a female male, like it’s not gender-related, it is a behavior. But I love that you also explained that it shows up differently.

Céline Remy 33:27
And I can see why there’s a tendency to point out the narcissist behavior more in the masculine because they’re more dominating and like more in your face, while they everyone’s like, Oh, she’s a diva, and that’s that, and maybe society accepts this a little bit more. But ultimately, neither one of these behaviors is healthy. And the key to having a thriving relationship with yourself with somebody else. In your opinion, how does low self-esteem factor into this?

Manny Santana 33:57
Well, so for starters, the whole saying happy wife, happy life, I think is the most narcissistic term you can say. Yeah, I mean, really, I believe in a happy spouse happy house. So I like that that’s good that’s what people like, we have to normalize that. So like, for example, if I’m a low self-esteem guy, and I will believe in the happy wife happy life because I’m disregarding my own happiness.

Manny Santana 34:32
I just feel happy that I’m able to get this trophy wife, I’m able to get the most beautiful girl I was ever able to get in my entire life. So because I’m able to get her, I’m gonna tolerate everything. She’s gonna be, you know, narcissistic. She’s gonna be you know, controlling, she’s going to be, you know, selfish, whatever the case may be, and I’m just going to tolerate it.

Manny Santana 34:58
Simply because I don’t want to lose her, simply because I feel good for the fact that I have her. You should I’m saying, but if I love myself, I’m gonna say, I can do without her. I’m just gonna go be with someone else instead. You know? So I mean, we need more podcasts like this really?

Manny Santana 35:24
So how about some tips for people like what would be maybe? Do you have a tip or a practice or something for people who are finding themselves? This has been a fantastic conversation and we are coming to the end of the show. But do you have a particular tip or practice that people could do right now if they find themselves stuck in a situation like what’s your first step? I know buying your book, but what else?

Manny Santana 35:55
Oh, well, the first step really is knowing yourself, right? So what I mean by that is, there’s something that called you, the emotional alpha scale, right? So if, if you’re a one on the emotional alpha scale, that means you’re very emotional, you might love not romance, your romantic type person, if you’re 10, you’re more alpha, you know, you would prefer a one night stand or fling over a romantic relationship.

Manny Santana 36:28
So if you know yourself, and you know where you fall in that category, you can avoid those pitfalls. Like if you have a very, like, if a woman is a very romantic person, she’s a one on the emotion, alphas Hill, she has no business dating a man who’s a 10 on the emotion office here, because he doesn’t care about love or any of that stuff. So he’s just, he’s just going to take advantage of the fact that she’s so emotional, and all she’s going to do is be his cheerleader.

Manny Santana 36:57
All she’s going to do is just, like, root him on for everything and just try to be there for him and she’s going to tolerate him cheating, she’s going to tolerate him doing anything because she wants to prove that she’s a loyal person. But if she dates someone who’s also, you know, romantically, emotional person, a hopeless romantic, if you will, then she wouldn’t fall into those pitfalls. So the first thing is to know where you fall on what I call the motion alpha scale.

Kevin Anthony 37:24
So yeah, so basically know thyself. followed up by love thyself.

Manny Santana 37:35
That’s exactly what it is,

Céline Remy 37:37
Manny, this has been a great conversation where can our listeners find out more about what you do the works you do,  your book, and all of that?

Manny Santana 37:46
Okay, well, for starters, they can find me on social media. I’m on Facebook, Instagram, clubhouse, Twitter. Tick Tock everywhere you can find me at I am Manny Santana. So you know @IamMannySantana. They can find me on my website, Manny Santana calm or they can email me contact at Manny Santana calm.

Manny Santana 38:17
And also another don’t know, I think I sent you the link, you know, they can preorder my pre my course. So it will be available next month in a couple of weeks. They can register. So I’m gonna have a course. And I’m also gonna have like a masterclass where if you can sign up for the master class of like a six-week class, or you can just purchase the course where you could just, you know, watch the videos and kind of self-taught. So, you know, I, you know, maybe you can leave the link in this. Yeah, we’ll

Kevin Anthony 38:53
have a link in the comments for that. Yeah, yeah,

Manny Santana 38:56
They can go to Secrets of the guy code.com

Manny Santana 38:59
perfect so you could have the guy code but all the links will be there. But for those listening right now and then Manny Santana also, I am Manny Santana. Manny, this is the last question that we love to end every show with tell us what is your best sexual talent?

Manny Santana 39:16
That’s a very good question. All of it.

Manny Santana 39:23
All of it. Let’s just say I know how to please a woman. And she won’t go without an orgasm.

Kevin Anthony 39:37
He delivers the Oh.

Kevin Anthony 39:45
All right Manny. Thanks so much for coming on the show. It was a great conversation and check the description for how to find more about Manny.

Manny Santana 39:55
I appreciate it. Thanks for having me. You know, I’d be more than I’m happy to come back on the show anytime in the future. You know, whenever you could find time if you’d love to bring you back, I’d be honored. All right.

Kevin Anthony 40:09
So there you go, listeners make sure you listen to this episode and like it, if y’all like it, we will have Manny back on because it was a great conversation. All right. That’s all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week.

Kevin Anthony 40:26
We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 40:34
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault

Kevin Anthony 40:48
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 40:49
And remember, you are amazing.