How To Have Sex Again After A Long Break

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:29
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 259. Yeah, I know last week, I said it was 259. And that’s because I wrote down the wrong number. Last week was actually 258. This week is 259. But this week’s show is titled How To Have Sex Again After A Long Break. So what we’re going to talk about today are the reasons for potentially having a long break. If you have had a long break, how’d you get started again? So there are things that you can do on your own. And then how to approach having sex again, after a long break with your partner, because there are things that you can do with your partner as well. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today. You know, as usual, most of the things that I talk about on this show are things that come up with clients of mine with, you know, friends who are going through their own processes in my own life, whatever it is, I often will pick topics that are alive, something that’s happening right now. And today is no different from that. So some of what I’m going to talk about today does come from real-life applications or stories I should say, from people I know personally, who are experienced this, who are going through that point where they haven’t had sex for a while, and they’re looking to get back going again. And this is some of the advice that I was giving them.

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Okay. So the title of the show is How to start having sex again after a long break. And one of the things that I have realized over doing coaching work for quite a while now…….quite a few years. There are numerous reasons why people have a long break for most people. Sex is a regular part of their life. And it’s something that they enjoy and something that they want to continue to do on a regular basis. So if somebody hasn’t had sex for a while, there’s generally a reason for that. So what are some of the reasons why people have long breaks? Well, number one, is probably the easiest one to guess, a breakup slash divorce. So somebody goes through a breakup or they get divorced. And there’s a period of time there. Now that period of time can be short, or it can be rather long, depending on you know, how long you were in the relationship, how easy or difficult the divorce was, was there any trauma related to the breakup slash divorce, or any of that.

And so it is not unusual for people to have a long period of time and it can go from, you know, months to potentially years after a breakup or divorce that somebody hasn’t had any significant relationships and hasn’t had any sex. So that’s one reason it’s a pretty common one. It’s definitely one that I see a lot, you know, I tend to work with men who, you know, for whatever reason haven’t been in a relationship for a while, and they’re wanting to get back into a relationship, they’re wanting to have an active sex life again. And so they want to do the work ahead of time to get where they need to be, so that when they do find that next person, they’re ready to go. Number two, a health challenge. So there are lots of different health challenges that one may or may not go through. And it might be that you personally went through a health challenge, or it might be that your partner was going through a health challenge. Obviously, I experienced this one Personally, myself, as most listeners know, since I am solo here doing these podcasts by myself, you know that my amazing wife and partner Céline Remy is no longer with us here on this earth. And as part of that journey, there were some significant health challenges that definitely affected our sex life.

So yeah, you could experience it yourself, or it could be your partner. But in either case, it’s possible that maybe you hadn’t had sex in a while because of that. Number three, having slash raising kids, and this is a very common one. So it’s, it’s very common for a couple, after they have children to not have sex for a while, it takes some time, obviously, for the woman’s body to heal from childbirth. Obviously, you know, when you have a new child, there’s a massive lack of sleep, and all the things that go with having a newborn that do not facilitate having an active and rich sex life. Some people manage to do it, but most don’t. And even just raising kids in general, I hear this a lot from couples that I work with that, you know, one of the main reasons why their sex life has deteriorated over the years is because of the responsibilities of life, one of which is raising kids, basically, they’re so busy and so exhausted, with, you know, having to work full time and raise kids that, you know, date nights and sex life get pushed to the back burner and often don’t happen.

Number four relationship issues. This is another big one. And this is when you see in people in couples, I should say, who’ve been together for a long time where the relationship deteriorates over time, and the sex becomes less and less frequent. And then sometimes it comes to a halt altogether. Even though they stay together, they often will say that they still love each other, but for whatever reason, they’re no longer having sex. And, you know, this is one of the areas that Celine and I really specialized in working with couples on In fact, I was just having a conversation last week. So I went to an event. And this event had a lot of people who are in the sex, love, and relationship field, other teachers, coaches, and event leaders. And I was speaking to one person in particular, who was part of a couple and is very active in the sex, love, and relationship space. And she and her husband do a lot of events and online programs and things. And she was telling me about a shift that they were making in their program where they used to work a lot with people who had like sexual trauma and abuse and stuff like that. And now they’re really focusing more on couples and working with like getting their sex life back in gear and helping them reestablish their connection and stuff like that, which is fine.

One of the things I said was well that’s interesting because you know, Celine and I knew this couple well, and we always saw their work is being very different from our work and what we used to say as well, you know, we made a conscious decision that that’s the space that we wanted to work in from the beginning. So we used to tell people, if you’re really dysfunctional, if you’re on the verge of divorce, if you’ve got a lot of trauma or stuff like that, go work with a therapist or somebody like them first to get that basic ground level of work done. Then when you’re ready to take it to the next level, come and see Celine and I. So that’s an area that we are specialized in. It’s one that I still love to work in, which is helping people who still want to be together and still love each other. Get back on track. Does that mean that I can’t help you if you’re in a dysfunctional space? No, it doesn’t mean that but it’s not my preference of places to work. I prefer to work with people who still love each other and just need help getting back on track. Maybe they have some issues that need to be resolved, but not like, huge, we’re on the verge of divorce-type issues.

Okay, next is self-imposed celibacy. That’s an interesting one. I have seen this before numerous times, with both clients and friends, where something happens, maybe it’s a divorce, maybe it’s a breakup, maybe it’s a, who knows there’s a bunch of different reasons, but for some reason, they decide that the way that they need to deal with whatever’s going on is to take a certain period where they’re going to be celibate. I have one friend in particular, who after his wife died, that was his choice, his decision. And he did that for a whole year, where he just was celibate, intentionally for a year. And then at one point decided, Okay, I think I’m ready to, to find somebody and try for sex again. So people will choose to do that. And there’s nothing wrong with that not judging it at all. It’s just one of those things where, okay, it has been a period of time now. And you have made that decision to get started again, how do you do it? So that’s definitely, you know, what we’re talking about today, as far as how to do it. So those are some reasons why people take breaks there, but there could be others. I’m sure. Somebody will inevitably chime in, in the comments somewhere, and say, Well, I did it because of blah, blah, blah. And you didn’t address that? Well you know, those are those are the five main reasons that I could think of when writing this show, based on the work that I have done for many years.

But I’m sure there are always other potential reasons. All right. So now we understand why somebody may have taken a long break. And you know, it’s important to understand why somebody’s taking a long break. Because if you understand why they have either chosen or not chosen to take a break, and how that will happen, help you understand what to do when you want to get going again. So that’s what we’re going to talk about next is how do you start? Again, it’s been a long time, what do you do? Now, I’m going to talk about this because both men and women experience this and how men and women get back into having sex, again, might be a little bit different. Of course, there are things that are going to be the same for both. But there are some things that are going to be specific to men and women. So my list of how to start again isn’t specific to one or the other. And when I’m talking about one that’s more aimed towards men, I’ll let you know or more aimed towards women, I’ll let you know. Alright, number one on how to start again is you gotta make sure that you’re really ready to start again.

And I know it sounds, it sounds simple, it sounds basic, it sounds maybe even a little bit ridiculous. But I can’t tell you how many times I have seen people in this sort of, well, I think maybe I should but I’m not sure. Now, this happens for both men and women. But I will say I have seen it happen more with women, where they get in this sort of gray land of like, I think I want to find another partner. It’s been a while since I’ve had sex. But then again, I’m not sure if I’m ready. And if I am ready, you know, like they just get a little bit all in their heads about it. Men tend to be a little bit more like, Yeah, I’m ready. Like, let’s get down I need to fuck, that’s not always true, but but that you do tend to see it that way a little bit more. In either case, you really just need to make sure that you are indeed truly ready. We have talked so many times on this show about the power of sexual energy and connecting with somebody sexually. And that power can be used to create amazing things and amazing connections between people. But it can also be used in a way that creates a lot of pain and a lot of hurt and you know, her emotions hurt feelings, add more trauma.

So you want to make sure that you’ve really gotten clear about the fact that this is indeed something that you are really truly ready to do. And you know what we always say in the Pali world, which is yes means yes, no means no, and maybe means no. So if you’re in that gray space of I’m not sure if I’m ready yet, then I would say you’re not ready yet. You should Get an absolute. Yes. Yes, yes, it is time, I am ready for this. All right, so that’s the first thing, really make sure that you are truly ready to do this. Number two, understand your why we talk about this a lot in a lot of different contexts. But the idea of why is it that you want to get back to doing this? Is it because you think that no guy’s gonna want to date you if you’re not ready to have sex with them? Is it because, you know, you just have this needs to, you know, release and ejaculate? Or is it because you truly love and value, the connection and the co-creation that sex is? So just get really clear on why it is you feel like you’re ready to get back in the saddle, as they say, or back on the horse. I always laugh when people use back on the horse when it comes to talking about having sex again, because of the whole curiosity thing. Like some men are horses versus you know, all the different animals. So that’s the first thing that popped into my head always makes me laugh a little bit. Okay. So yeah, understand your why and know why it is you’re doing what you’re doing.

Because if you’ve decided in your mind that you’re ready, as we talked about number one, and then you get clear on your why, your WHY might actually lead you right back to number one, because you might go, oh, that’s the reason I wanted to do this. And maybe I’m not really ready yet. Or it might reinforce your decision. So you might go, oh, yeah, that’s my why, like, that’s why I really want to do this. And you might go, okay, all right. So if that’s my wife, and I know for sure, I’m ready. So make sure you’re ready and understand your why. Number three, don’t act out of desperation. This is so huge. This one I see men doing more often than not, which is they just, haven’t had sex for a certain amount of time. And they’re just like, I gotta, I gotta get, I gotta get laid, I gotta get laid. And they’re just desperate. In fact, I was having a conversation, I ran into an old friend that I haven’t seen in, I don’t know, three-ish years, pre-COVID, probably, I’m guessing 2019 ish was the last time that I saw him. And he was telling me that he had really finally gotten to a really comfortable place with his relationships.

And what he was describing was, he said that when he was younger, he just like, had such a huge fear that, that, you know, women weren’t going to want to be with him or want to have sex with him. And he said, Now, he doesn’t worry about that. And he just does his own thing. And he’s like, all the women are just showing up coming to me, like, I’m an old guy, and I go to this party, and women just show up and want to talk to me and want to be with me. It’s like that never happened when I was younger. And I said, Do you want to know why that is? He just kind of looked at me. And I said, it’s because women can smell desperation, five miles away, and they will run in the other direction. When you come across as needy or desperate. Like you just have to somehow have sex or get laid. Women don’t want any part of that. So just don’t act out of desperation, understand that. When the time is right, it will happen. And you’ll see if you can get to that space, much like my friend’s realization was that all of a sudden, now he’s got all these women who want to be with him, where he didn’t have that when he was considerably younger, and had more hair.

All right, all right. Number four, let go of any expectations about the quality of the lovemaking or performance. This is really big if you haven’t had sex for a while, like anything else, use it or lose it right? You know, if you want to be good at anything, you got to practice it. And if you haven’t had an opportunity to practice for a long time, don’t expect that you’re going to be great at it. Now. Again, this differs for both men and women. So while both can benefit from practice and will get better at lovemaking through practice, obviously there are more performance issues that men have to deal with that women don’t have to deal with it’s a simple fact of life, it just is. Women don’t need to achieve an erection, women don’t need to figure out how to last longer. And you know, the not really the worst, I want to say worst case scenario, but like for most women, they can have sex pretty much anytime they want to have sex, the biggest complication they might run into is not lubricating properly. And that can easily be solved with some lube. So performance. You know, anxiety is a lot less for women than it is for men, although it may still exist.

So one of the keys to dealing with that is to not create a bunch of expectations. Maybe you had sex in the past before your long break. And you were amazing at it. And it was spectacular. And, you know, the women thought you were the greatest thing ever, or the men thought you were the greatest thing ever. And it’s been a while, okay, well don’t expect that you’re going to come back into doing things as good or the same way, even as you did before, you might even find that you don’t even like or want the same things that you liked or wanted before. So one of the keys here is to just let go of the expectations about that, and really approach it as something new. And, you know, see where it goes from there. This is actually one of the big ones that I often see, especially with men, because I’ve worked with a lot of men, you know, from a coaching perspective. And when they’ve had long periods of time where they haven’t had sex, one of their biggest concerns is, am I still going to be able to do it? Am I going to be able to last long enough? You know, is she going to like what I do? Do I even still remember how to do some of the things that I used to do? So that is absolutely a big one. And you know, if you’re in that space, and you’re really not sure, then I highly suggest that you work with somebody like me, let’s, you know, get back on some of the practices that you can do. And we’ll talk about that in just a moment as well. To get that confidence back and to feel like okay, yeah, I can do this when you are finally, with somebody.

Number five, don’t use a relationship just to meet this need. So find somebody that you can have sex with who you also want to be with or spend time with. I’m not saying they have to be your ultimate next lifetime partner. But one of the mistakes that I see people making is they go, Okay, I haven’t had sex and X amount of time. And I have this opportunity to have sex with this person, or I’m gonna go on, you know, one of the apps especially one of the ones that’s more just about, like, you know, hookup culture, because y’all know which ones those are. And, you know, my suggestion is, unless there is an upfront agreement with the person you’re going to have sex with that this is just sex, like, this is just a purely physical thing for us to meet our needs. And that’s that, then make sure that you find somebody that you actually want to have sex with. Now, here’s the thing, a lot of guys will think the absolute opposite of what I just said, they’ll They’ll think of it this way, I just need somebody to have sex with just to get it over with. And it’s actually better if it’s not somebody I care about, because if I fuck it all up, and I suck at it, then no big deal, right? I get the logic in that. However, you can’t separate sex from emotions.

When it comes to a woman that is, I mean, technically, you can’t really with men either, although men think they can and they do a better job of it in general. The reality is, is that anytime you bond with somebody in that way, you are creating connections, you’re creating a bond you are, you know, potentially bringing up some strong feelings and people get attached. And if you treat it casually like that, people can get hurt. And so we don’t want that we always want whatever we’re going to do to be a win-win for everybody. So having said that, if you are, say in a poly community or swinger community or some other you know, community or situation where you have agreements about that, that’s fine. No problem. Find somebody then who’s like, yeah, like I’m married. You know, I have my needs met, but I’m attracted to you. I want to have sex with you and it’s perfectly fine if we just have this, you know, sexual relationship and agreement.

Okay, great. Most people don’t have access to that sort of thing though. And even if you do They can still be tricky to navigate. So my suggestion is, you know, if you’re going to do it for the first time again, then find somebody that you actually want to be with, and that you’re not going to just, you know, have sex with them, and then never talk to them again and hurt somebody’s feelings, because that’s not cool. Now, we’ll talk a little bit when we get down to how to approach sex, again, with your partner, because there are some specific things that you can do with the person versus on your own to, to get prepared to start having sex again. And we’ll talk about that when it comes to, you know, the actual relationship coming together with a person. But I’ve got one more on this list of how to start sex again, which is to practice solo sex before you’re with a partner. So I kind of started talking about this earlier, with the number for number five, let go of expectations.

So what you really want to do, if you’re worried about performance, anxiety, or what it’s going to be like, which is practice, start moving your sexual energy again, you know, one of the things that I noticed when, you know, Céline, and I were not able to have sex anymore for a while, towards the end was, I was so focused on just her and taking care of her and doing everything I could to help her, not to mention, you know, running businesses and taking care of just normal life stuff that I had completely shut down my sexual energy, like, it just, it’s like, it wasn’t even there, or part of who I was anymore, because I just couldn’t be, there just wasn’t space for it. The problem is, though, is that once life changes, and you get into another space, you can stay in that shutdown space where you are accessing your sexual energy, you’re not able to move it. So then you like, okay, well, I think, you know, I’m ready to start dating or whatever. And then you want to go out there and do that. And you’re still in a pretty messed up place. And that doesn’t do you any good. It also doesn’t do your partner any good, either.

So one of the ways that you can work on that is to practice some solo sex, first, practice moving your sexual energy. You know, if you’re a guy and you’re worried about performance, you know, one of the big practices that I teach in my coaching programs for men, but that is also in our power Mastery program, is the mindful masturbation practice, that is a spectacular practice to do to get yourself sort of sexually fit again, to work on your stamina. And when you work on your stamina, you start to learn to control your jack Ulation. Again, you’ll have more confidence as well. If you have more confidence, you will be less worried, which means you will have less performance anxiety. So I highly recommend that you practice some solo six. And this goes for women to just get the sexual energy moving again, free things up, allow it to just flow and be and access it and feel it again before you try to go out there and create that with somebody else. Okay, so those are the reasons for a long break and then how to get started again, primarily focused on what you can do on your own that how to start again. After a short break here, we’re going to talk about how to approach sex again with your partner because there are some specific things that you can do.

But first, another word from our sponsor. Hey guys, do you know what makes a man great, you know, the kind of masculine man that women are irresistibly attracted to and want? Is it money, job title, his physical body being great in bed, a big penis, great pickup lines, or maybe even something else? Some secrets? superpower they have. But what if you don’t have these or you only have some of them? What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships are embarrassed by your bedroom skills, doubt whether you can rise to the occasion, worry about lasting long enough, or are always stuck in the friend zone? I can help you if you’re ready to make big changes and finally become the man you have always wanted to be. Then this is the program for you. To find out more please go to https://www.kevinandcéline.com/go/warrior. That is https://www.kevinandcéline.com/go/warrior. That is a link to a strategy call with me, where we get to talk about what different issues you’re facing and how I can help you. This is my Men’s coaching program. And, you know, I just love when working with clients, they have big shifts, big transformations. I had a client recently, you know, I was pointing out a pattern to him that I had noticed from the beginning of our coaching that he had not noticed yet. And it kind of blew his mind. And he was like, wow, this is amazing insight, this is even better than my therapy. So yeah, if, if that speaks to you go to https://www.kevinandcéline.com/go/warrior.

All right. So how to approach sex, again, with your partner? Now, this could be your long-term partner that you’ve been with, it could also be somebody that you are going to have sex with for the first time. So number one, communicate with your partner beforehand. This is a hard one for a lot of guys. Because when I say communicate with your partner beforehand, what I’m really talking about is like, just be honest with them and say, Look, you know, it’s been X number of months, or it’s been X number of years since I’ve had sex. But, you know, I’m attracted to you, I want to go there with you. But I just want you to know, it’s been a while. guys never want to admit this, which is hysterical to me. They’re just like, they never want to admit that they haven’t had sex for a long time, because somehow it means they’re less of a man, like, you know, a real man would be having sex all day, I have sex a lot.

Most women don’t even want to hear that. In fact, they prefer to hear that you haven’t been having a whole lot of sex before you have sex with them. Not always it does depend on the situation. There are occasions or situations where they might be glad that you’ve had some sex beforehand because they might look at you and go, hey I don’t want to be the rebound woman. No woman ever wants to be the rebound woman. So you know, they might be happy that you’ve had some love or some sex, but the reality is just be honest with wherever you’re at, you know if you’ve had a little bit, but you’re, you know, feeling like, you know, you’re still not back to your normal self, or you’re still not where you want to be. Or if you haven’t had any, just communicate that you know, and that goes for women to women are less likely to feel embarrassed about admitting that, but yeah, just communicate with your partner and just say, Look, you know, after whatever the reason was, you know, I haven’t had sex in X amount of time, and I’m a little nervous about it. And that’s fine. Just voicing that alone goes a long way toward reducing the anxiety about finally having sex again.

So yeah, communication. I mean, you hear this so many times on this show, in so many situations, it is so important that you just communicate with people about where you’re at, and what you need. Number two set appropriate expectations, slash let go of expectations. So like I said, in the previous list, when you’re thinking about, you know, getting back into sex after a long break, one of the things I said was to let go of expectations about you know, your performance or what it’s going to be like or how it’s supposed to be and that sort of thing. So it’s the same is true here. So you kind of want to clear the slate, and let go of the expectations. And then you want to set appropriate expectations. So what do I mean by appropriate expectations? Well, what I mean is when you’re having that communication with your partner, you want to say things like, okay, you know, I haven’t had sex in a long time. And here’s what I would like to do. In other words, maybe I want to start slowly, maybe I need a certain, you know, Scene Setup, or whatever it is that you need to set those expectations. And I think I have it here on the list. Yes, I’ll get to that to that one in a moment. Because I want to jump to the next one, which is enlisting your partner’s help. And this is really important.

Also, you know, maybe both of you haven’t had sex in a long time. Or maybe it’s just you but in other cases doesn’t really matter. What you want to do is get your partner on board. You don’t want one partner like yeah, this I do this, you know, three times a week and Whoo, that goes well, the other person is like, I haven’t had sex in a year and like, you know, please go easy on me kind of thing. Like, you want to get on board, one being sort of on the same page about, you know, where you’re at. And so enlisting your partner’s having say, okay, look, you know, I haven’t had sex and X amount of time. So here’s what I need from you. Here’s How you can support me in, in doing this, again in a way that will work for both of us super important to really get buy-in from your partner on. And one of the big things that I see is people don’t communicate about this ahead of time. And so one person or the other isn’t aware of where the other person is at. And if they’re not aware, how can they do things to help? Right? They might just, you know, they just think, oh, you know, you’re just like everybody else out on the dating apps, and you’re just, you know, serial dating and having sex with a bunch of people and all this good. And maybe that’s not the case for you, maybe you haven’t had sex in two years or three years, right? So really enlist your partner’s help in the process. And so, number four is one that Céline actually experienced once with a partner. And she thought it was such a great idea that she started teaching it to her clients as well.

She had a partner, many years ago, long before she and I worked together, who had come off of a long break, and they were going to have sex. And one of the things that he asked her to do was, he said, Look, it’s been a long time since I’ve made love with a woman. And I’m, he said, he said, I’m probably not gonna be that great at it because it’s been a while. And so he simply asked her to give him a certain number of times, making love to make a decision about whether or not she wanted to continue to be with him. They, I think, agreed to five times doesn’t have to be five, that’s just what they agreed to. But this idea of like, hey, you know, don’t make a judgment about me and my performance and how I show up since it’s been a while, until I have an opportunity to sort of, you know, get going again. And so, you know, that is an example really of enlisting your partner’s help. It’s also an example of setting appropriate expectations. And it is also an example of communicating with your partner beforehand. Right. So and that’s, that’s just one idea, one technique, but it is a way that can be very successful in work.

Alright, number five, develop developed trust, this is really, really, really important. So, you know, I mentioned earlier that, you know, some things apply a little bit more to men, some things apply a little bit more to women. And this one is, you know, if a woman hasn’t had sex in a long time, you can bet there’s a damn good reason for it. And, but from a different perspective than men like. So for instance, if I say a man hasn’t had sex in a long time, there’s a damn good reason for that damn good reason is usually that he just didn’t have any opportunity. Not always and I’m generalizing. So I don’t mean to offend any of the men out there, because I know there are men like myself, for instance, right now, having been through what I’ve been through, who’s consciously chosen not to have sex for, you know, a certain period of time, because I wanted to give myself time to heal the pain of losing Celine. So that’s not always true. But for men, often the reason is, they just haven’t had opportunities. But for women, it’s often different for women, it is often more of an emotional thing.

Maybe they were really hurt from their last relationship, or, you know, maybe there was some sort of trauma involved, there can be lots of more mental and emotional type reasons for not having had sex for a while. So one of the things that you can do to really help them start having sex, again, is to develop trust, like really go out of your way to create an environment and a situation and a level of trust, there that she will feel comfortable with you to do that again. Number six, create a safe environment. So this is kind of similar to trust but yet different. You know, it does work, of course, for both men and women, but it is geared a little bit more towards women in this case, which is women really need to feel safe to be really open and vulnerable in a sexual way. And so you really need to create an environment where they feel safe. And of course, if you do create an environment where they feel safe, that goes a long way towards developing that trust that we were just talking about. So yeah, for a lot of women, you know, maybe it was a bad marriage. Maybe it was a bad relationship. Maybe it was you know, an abusive relationship. For whatever reason, you know, they stopped having sex, or it could have even been a Health thing and maybe their body has changed. And they’re not sure if it’s even going to work the way that it used to, or maybe they’re not sure if they’re attractive anymore. I mean, all of these things happen.

And so, you know, creating a safe environment and developing trust, really go a long way to helping that person feel comfortable again, having sex. Number seven, start slowly. I mean, this almost goes without saying, but, but it needs to be said anyway. You know, in along with, you know, what I was talking about before, about not having expectations about Okay, so the when I used to do it used to be like this, we’d go here, we do this, and then we do this thing, and then it would go here, and then she’d have an orgasm, and then I would have an agent, you’re letting go of all of that, right. But you’re also starting slowly. If it’s been a while there is no rush. You may have in your mind, these memories of this crazy love-making screaming orgasms, female ejaculating all over whatever it is, right? But don’t necessarily expect as you come back into your sexuality, that you’re necessarily going to just jump right back into that sort of inexperience. So start slowly, eventually, you’ll build up to that. And, guys, if it’s been a long time, since you’ve had sex with a woman, and you’re really worried about performance, or anxiety, start slowly, you should probably start slowly, no matter what, but in this case, absolutely. Start slowly.

So what do I mean by that, don’t rush the penetration, take your time, you know, you know, take your time doing some foreplay, when you do penetrate, you don’t have to go out it’s not like, it’s not like somebody just, you know, fired the starting gun or, or waved the green flag, and it’s off to the races, like, just start slowly. That goes a long way, and he starts slow, and then you can build up and as you start to build up, your confidence will start to build up as well. Number eight, communicate during sex, it’s perfectly fine to communicate during, you know, a lot of people don’t communicate before or after either, and they don’t communicate during but even some of the people who will communicate before and even sometimes after, then for some reason don’t communicate during. And, you know, I don’t like to generalize so much about men doing this and women doing that I’m but I have to speak from my experience, both personal experience and experience as a coach for many years, I have to say that I do see women, even women who really speak up beforehand, at the moment tend to like to clam up and not say what they need or what they want for a variety of reasons. Just make sure that you’re communicating the whole way through, we’ve already talked about communicating in the beginning, definitely communicate during if there’s something you need, if there’s something that that you’re liking that you want more of, that you’re not liking that you don’t want, or you’re just changing things up, or, you know, whatever you need, in that moment, just communicate it. And of course, always communicate afterward as well. How was that for you? How did it go? Is there something that we could change or do better next time?

You don’t have to do that immediately after sex. Because you know, the, the thing that everybody always says, Oh, my God, all this talking takes me out of the mood, and it’s not spontaneous anymore. And, then I lose my rent. Well, okay, but you want to set yourself up for success. So have a good conversation beforehand, and communicate just what needs to be communicated in the moment, you don’t have to get heady about it. You don’t have to hold conversations where you lose your erection. But just simply speak up and ask for the things that you need when you need them during lovemaking. And then the communication afterward, you don’t have to have it right away. You can wait you can take time to integrate whatever it is you need to do but do have a conversation about it at some point later on.

Alright, number nine, have a safe word. So you haven’t had sex in a long time you’ve done the communication, you’ve developed the trust and all this kind of stuff. And here you are, you are going for it and maybe something comes up for you. Maybe you thought you were really ready. Maybe you thought you had communicated what you needed, or maybe what you need changes in the moment. Have a safe word where you can go, Wait, hold on, I need to either stop or change something. And that is important. So yeah, make sure that you have a way of if you really need to stop. So of course the idea of a safe word comes from the BDSM community where you know, they might be deep in roleplay, or doing something that is really pushing boundaries or, or edges for people, and they have this idea of a safe word, it’s a word that would not normally come up in conversation or during sex, that when said everybody has agreed upon is the stop sign. So have your safe word.

Number 10, pay close attention to how it is going. So you’ve done all the things, you know, through number nine. And you really want to be paying attention to what’s going on during because you know, there’s a lot of stuff you can do beforehand. But once you’re in, you’re in, right, and so you want to really pay attention to how it’s going so that you can make adjustments if you need to make adjustments. And then number 11, honestly, evaluate the experience afterward and determine what if anything, you can do better next time. So just because you’ve made the decision that Okay, it’s time to go back to having sex, and now you’ve had sex.

Did it didn’t work for you? Was it what you thought it could be or what you wanted it to be? Did it meet the needs that you were trying to meet for both you and your partner? And if not, you might determine you know what, maybe I’m not really ready yet. Hopefully, you would have figured that out before you got as far as connecting with somebody sexually. But sometimes you just don’t know. And you thought you were and you weren’t. And, you know, maybe you were like, maybe your maybe didn’t become a note became a yes. And you kind of rushed into it. And now you have an opportunity to evaluate again and see, okay, do is this really where I want to be. And not only that, maybe a little bit more on a positive note is you’re evaluating your experience, and you’re going, Wow, that went way better than expected. And I’m really excited and happy about that. And your confidence starts to go through the roof.

So always important to evaluate the experience a bit afterwards. Because you know, you got to make adjustments evaluations, and, you know, always fine-tune to make it the best for yourself and for your partner. And you know, this goes for whether it’s somebody new or whether it’s somebody, you’ve been in a relationship for 20 years, and maybe you haven’t had sex in the last three, like, all of this stuff still applies. So there you go. That is my take on how to have sex again, after a long break. I hope that was helpful for you, like I said, at the beginning of the show. So so much of that really comes from working with a lot of people who have had long breaks and hearing the fears and insecurities that they have when they determine it’s time to start having sex again. And yeah, I really hope that that was helpful. And that’s all I have for this episode. So I will see you all next week.

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Céline Remy 48:25
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