Increase Length, Open More, Monogamy, Poly, Jealousy, And Unicorns

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 260. Crazy. And it is titled Increase Length, Open More, Monogamy, Poly, Jealousy, and Unicorns. Oh, the elusive unicorns. We will talk about that today. If you haven’t figured it out from the title. This is a listener questions episode. So as you know, I get questions here at the show every once in a while, I’ll grab a couple of them and make an episode out of it. So we’ve got some great things to talk about today.

But before we do that, do you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed? Then check out Power and Mastery, it is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections last longer or increase your sexual skills, there is something for you at power and mastery.com. Now I have teased this a few times already, that I am in the process of updating all three courses in powerandmastery.com. And I can finally tell you, I have begun uploading new content. So I will be working on that over the next few weeks. And I will have a bunch of new content added to those courses, new videos, new lessons, new bonuses, new PDFs, and new links to products to support your journey through mastery. I’m really excited about it. Anybody who has already purchased it has access to all of the new stuff as it gets uploaded. And for anybody who hasn’t purchased it yet, we’ll get to the new and improved version. So I’m super excited that it’s finally happening. Go check it out at powerandmastery.com.

Okay, so as I mentioned, these are questions from actual listeners they come through in various forms. Sometimes they come through via YouTube, sometimes directly to our email from our website. Sometimes through our online courses, there are a bunch of different ways that people often reach out and ask questions. Obviously, I don’t have time to answer everybody’s questions that comes in, but I do my best. And that’s why I like to do these shows from time to time, where I get to spend a little bit more time answering these questions with a little bit more depth than usual.

Okay, question number one? How do I increase the length and girth of my penis naturally without pills and other surgical treatments? This is a question that we get often. I believe we did do an entire episode on this once before. I don’t remember what the title of that is. But it is a question that we get fairly regularly. And I just wanted to address it one more time here. There. There is debate on to whether as to whether or not this is even possible. I’ll give you my opinion. I’ll tell you what other people say about it. So my personal opinion is there isn’t really any way to permanently increase the length and girth of your penis, you’re pretty much born with what you’re born with. Now, having said that, are there ways that you could marginally increase it? Well, for one thing, we know that use it or lose it? Right? So what do I mean by that? Well, what I mean by that is if you’re not sexually active, and you don’t have a mindful masturbation practice or something like that, where you are regularly using your penis and moving sexual energy, then you will find that it shrinks a little bit. It really will. And you’ll find that if you include some practices in there, that it will appear, I say appear to grow in size and the reason why I say appear is because it’s what you it’s the size that you were always capable of. You’re not necessarily moving above and beyond that, but you’re utilizing everything that you have.

So, from that perspective, I would say that yes, you can, to some extent, increase it. And there are lots of Taoist practices and tantric practices that involve stretching of the penis. So you can do this with simply your hands where you’re focusing on gently stretching the penis. I would also suggest that a healthy lifestyle, as well as, a healthy lifestyle meaning an excellent diet, increasing your nitric oxide intake, and exercise will also help. Why do I say that? Well, because your penis really is nothing more than erectile tissue that needs to fill up with blood. So let’s say you don’t have a healthy lifestyle, and you have poor circulation. Well, if you have poor circulation, that means the blood is not circulating through your body, of course, you can have problems that you have in your extremities, hands, feet, and whatnot, but it can also affect the blood flowing to your penis. If you have, say, low testosterone or low nitric oxide levels, that could also be affecting the ability of your penis to engage with blood.

If you have say, really, really weak pelvic floor muscles, or the muscles that will actually hold the blood in your penis when you get erect, then, you know, even when you’re getting direction that blood flows in, but it doesn’t stay in, right. And then it can start to flow out there by making your penis even when it’s erect seem to be smaller. So there are those kinds of natural things that you can do that will maximize what you were born with. Now, if you need some help with that, there are some tools that you can use. My preference always is to get your lifestyle in order, eat healthy exercise, and train your pelvic floor muscles. Do your mindful masturbation practice, if you’re not sure what that is, go check out our master your ejaculation program and or Sexual Mastery program it is in there. So those are ways that you don’t have to rely on outside things once you build up the strength and get, you know, the pipes and the signals working as Dr. Brandeis said who we had on the show.

When talking about erection problems, he said there are basically two things there are signals and there are pipes signals, meaning the chemical signals in your body that tell your body to get interaction, and then the pipes, right the actual blood vessels that the blood is flowing through. So those are the two things that you really want to work on from the inside out by getting your health in order. In the meantime, you could potentially leverage some tools like vacuum pumps, right? Swedish-made Penis Enlargement pump. Yeah, baby. All joking aside, they do work to some extent, and they can be very helpful and useful for some people. You can use things like copper rings to help hold the blood in your penis once you’ve achieved an erection. And of course, as I mentioned, there are stretching exercises you can do, I will put a link in the description to some of those tools, we have an affiliate that has fantastic products when it comes to this. So if it’s something that would potentially help you, this is a great place to go. There are a lot of, well, let’s just say inferior products out there on the market. So this is an affiliate that we have tested and we have been in partnership with for a while. So that link is in the description. And now let’s talk about what some other people say. Let me just mention also, that some people will tell you that, you know, if you’re born with a five-inch penis, you can make a seven-inch penis.

My personal opinion is that’s just never gonna happen. No matter how many tools you use, no matter what, you’re never going to take a five-inch penis and turn it into a seven-inch penis. It’s just not going to happen. However, there are other people that say that you can. I disagree with them. In fact, we even had a listener once write an entire whole long story about his process. And it was in response to the episode where we did where we said, you know, you can’t really lengthen your penis. And he said, Yes, you can. I’ve done it and he gave us his entire protocol for it, which was really cool. I’m really glad that he shared that because I was curious about what other people are doing. But when I read the entire thing and read his journey through For that, I realized that one, it didn’t make as big of an impact as he made it seem to it required his constant constant work, he mentioned that some of the practices he was doing were painful. And he also mentioned that when he stopped doing some of those practices, his penis pretty much went back to what it was before. So even after all of that, he still insisted that it worked and that you could enlarge your penis. Nevertheless, my opinion was then even reinforced.

When I read his story and went, Well, no, no, you really can’t, you were successful in stretching it out for a little while, but you had to put in a ton of work. And once you stopped, you lost it. And you endured a bunch of pain also, so. So that is my answer to how do you increase the length and girth of your penis naturally, without pills and surgical treatments, by the way, the pills and surgical treatments don’t really increase the size of your penis either. And definitely don’t go the surgical route. You know, obviously, unless you’ve had some sort of accident, right, and something physically happened to it, and then you need to have it rebuilt, that’s fine. But otherwise, anytime they go in there and start cutting things up and trying to make it better, they usually make it worse. So that is my answer to question number one.

Okay, question number two. And you know, usually, by the way, we say question number two comes from such and such a person, and I just decided to leave the names out this time. Just to add an extra layer of anonymity. I mean, even sometimes we would change the name. So it wasn’t the actual person’s name, but you don’t really need to know who sent the question. And if it’s your question, you’ll recognize it, and you’ll hear the answer. And if it’s not, you don’t really need to know who it came from anyway. All right. Number two, I want to open up to my partner more, but she is not willing to even explore new positions. How can I get her to be more open sexually and explore with me? Okay, great question. The first thing that I would ask you, if I were speaking to you in person is when you say you want to open up more to your partner, what exactly does that mean? Because in my opinion, whether or not she’s willing to explore sexually, you should always be open to your partner. So what does that mean? Is your heart open to her? Is your sex open to her as your mind open to her? What? What exactly do you mean by you want to open up more to your partner, and I want to caution you not to get caught in that sort of, you know, what I would call a negative feedback loop, right, which is, I want to open up more to my partner, but my partner is not open to exploring with me, therefore, I will open up to her but because I’m not opening up to her, she’s not willing to explore, and so on, and so on, and so on, right, you can get in those sort of what I call negative feedback loops, where it’s like, well, I don’t want to do this. And I don’t want to do a until B happens. But the reason why B isn’t happening is because I’m not doing A. So just be careful about that.

You know, one of the ways that you can really make your partner ready and willing to be open and to explore is to be open yourself, firstly, by example, open your heart, open your mind, open your sex as much as you can. Now, having said that that doesn’t necessarily mean that she is still going to want to explore things sexually with you. So then the question becomes, okay, I’m being as open as I can be. And she’s still not willing to do anything. What do I do? Well, the second thing I would ask is, what is in the way? So generally, if somebody is not open to exploring sexually, there’s probably something in the way. Well, what do I mean by that? Well, could mean a negative past experience with a previous partner, it could be some sort of sexual trauma from who knows when maybe even as far back as childhood, it could be sexual shame in the way, there could be a lot of different things that are preventing the person from wanting to explore and experiment. And so the challenge is, figuring out what that thing is, and seeing if there’s a way that you can remove it. You know, if it’s childhood trauma, you know, therapy can help coaching work can help you if it’s a negative past experience, then you might want to simply do something like continually reassuring your partner and leading by example, and showing them guaranteeing them that if you do explore that, nothing negative is going to happen.

So, yeah, the real key is to figure out what’s in the way and then do your best to help the person remove that. Now, realize, however, that at the end of the day, you can’t make anybody change, you cannot force someone to change, you just can’t they change when they want to change, you can give them all the tools necessary, you can point them in the right direction, but at the end of the day, they’re going to change when they want to change. So don’t be disheartened if you go through this practice of opening up yourself and then trying to help figure out what is in the way and help them through that. And then nothing changes. There are no guarantees, they might change right away, it might take them a somewhat long period of time to change, and they may never change. If this is somebody that you love, and that you’re committed to, then I would say that it’s worth going through this process. And if in the end, they are simply not willing to change. If this is that important to you, then you either need to find another way to get your needs met. Or you need to decide whether or not this is actually the right relationship for you. So there you go. You know, again, I find it interesting that “how can I get her to do this?” Well, you’re not really going to get her to do anything. But you can help her get there on her own. And that’s really what this is all about. So, yeah, make sure that you are being open yourself, and then see if you can figure out what’s in the way and help facilitate your partner in getting past whatever might be in the way.

All right. All right. Question number three. All right. I have three more questions to talk about here on the show. And they are all around a similar subject, which is open relating nonmonogamy. Yeah, yes, three sums, that sort of thing. So I’m going to take them one at a time, but they may kind of flow one into the other since the topics are so similar and related to each other. Okay. Number three, I have been reading different material relating to nonmonogamous relationships, there seems to be no middle ground about the topic. Some studies show the benefits, and if done in the right way by a couple it strengthens their bond while allowing them to fully enjoy their sexuality. On the opposite side, others claim that monogamy is the only acceptable thing to do. I guess my question to you is, what is your opinion on the subject? And are there any books that you know of that dive deep into the topic? Fantastic question, because I do have some rather strong opinions on this. I have personally experienced this throughout multiple relationships in my lifetime.

So I have my personal experience to speak of. I have also read numerous books on the subject and interviewed numerous other people who are experts on the subject. So you are asking the right person. I’ll start by saying this. The reason why people are so polarized on this topic is because it can be extremely triggering. And of course, as you know, when it comes to science, depending on how you set up a study, you can almost make a study, say anything that you want. So if your premise going into a study is nonmonogamy, or open relating or poly, or whatever you want to call it is absolutely wrong. And you’re going to set out on a course to prove it’s wrong, right, you’re likely going to get an outcome that shows it’s wrong. Whereas on the other hand, if your premise is, it’s totally natural, and it’s what everybody should be doing, and I’m a huge proponent of it, you’re gonna set up your study such that you’re probably going to get an outcome that shows that so you know, studies are interesting.

You got to really read the details in the fine print. Who created the study? Who did the research? What was their motivation? Who funded it? The most important question you should always ask about any study is who actually paid for it? Yeah, that’s right, major truth bomb, because that generally will tell you everything you need to know remember that almost nobody funds a study, and they expect to get something out of it. This is why so many natural treatments for all sorts of things are never studied. And when you try to tell somebody, hey, you could just use this harmless Natural Remedy they go Oh, but there’s no studies to prove that works, of course, because it costs pennies and it works. So nobody’s going to fund the study on that. They only want to fund studies on things they can patent that cost a lot of money. Hence, you get the results you get. So studies, all right on this topic.

Only so so so then if the studies aren’t really telling us what we want to know, how do we get an answer to this question? Well, the answer is to talk to people who have done both. So I can tell you that from my own personal experience, I have been in wonderful, amazing, monogamous relationships that were really amazing and beautiful. And I had no need to have anything outside of that. And I have had relationships that were open, that were amazing and beautiful. And it just worked for us, and everybody was happy. I have also had monogamous relationships, that absolutely did not work. And were kind of a train wreck. And ultimately failed. And I have had open relationships, that also did not work and had moments of trains going off the tracks and resulting in a train wreck the reality is, is that no matter what style of relationship you choose, it’s how that relationship turns out is not so much about the style of relationship and everything to do about the two people who are in that relationship.

So for instance, you say here and here done in the right way by a couple, it strengthens their bond by allowing them to be them to fully enjoy their sexuality. Yes, that can absolutely be true. And I have experienced that I have been in open relationships, where it really did strengthen our bond, there is something about going through an experience like that, that has the potential to be highly challenging and triggering, coming out the other side, from a beautiful, having a beautiful experience that brings you closer together, this isn’t going to be the best analogy. But think of it like this, you’re in a couple and you know maybe one person in the couple has a major health challenge in life. And maybe there’s a potential they could die. And you worked really hard on it. But you came out the other end, and you survived it, the chances of the relationship being stronger and having a deeper bond are pretty high, right? Because you just conquered something together. And that’s usually you know, if both people really show up in the relationship, that’s usually where at least one if not both, shows up in a way that maybe they hadn’t before. Like they really stepped their game up and supported the other person which deepen that bond.

Well, that sort of thing can also happen in open relationships, where you can really deepen a bond through some really deep shared experiences. So that’s possible. It’s absolutely possible. And I have personally experienced it myself. I remember the first relationship I ever had the first time that we ever explored with somebody else. My partner allowed me to have an experience with another woman. And I was super nervous about it. Because I was like, I really loved my partner. And I really didn’t want to challenge you know, the relationship in any way. And at the end of the day, she was so beautiful and so loving about it. It really did. I had such a deeper love for her when I saw how she reacted to it and how she actually facilitated it and made it happen and supported it. And I was like, wow, you must really love me. Now, of course, somebody might do that, because they’re just like, Yeah, whatever, I don’t even care I don’t even really want to be with you go do whatever you want. That was not the case in this scenario. And when I saw the genuine love there, from her in that situation, it just it cracked my heart open even wider and made me realize how beautiful it could be. So it is absolutely possible. But again, this all has to do with the people involved. And keep in mind this, the more people you involve in this, the trickier it becomes. So think about the fact that you know, you have two people, so you have one person and all their stuff, and you have another person and all their stuff. Now you come together, you’ve got that shared entity that’s created and all the stuff there.

Now you’re gonna bring in a third person you got another person’s worth this stuff, and then you’ve got the dynamic that’s created between all three of you, right? So you got a connection this way with these two, a connection this way, with these two, a connection this way with these two, and all the stuff that happens, you are making the relationship significantly more complex. It’s not even just the sum of all the parts, it’s kind of exponential. So there is significantly more potential for challenge and for people to get triggered and for things to come up. So it is not for the faint of heart. And it is not for people who haven’t already done their inner work, you’ve got to do your work. And I would say that it’s also not for a couple that doesn’t already have a strong relationship. This is a mistake, I see a lot of couples making, which is the relationship is so so it’s going okay, they’re still committed to being together, but something’s not working. Right. And they think we know what will fix it. Let’s open up the relationship. All right? Wrong, no. Absolutely not the right thing to do, you need to go into it from the place of our relationship is rock solid, we are committed to each other, and nothing is going to, you know, shake the foundation. Because even if you go into it that way, something might shake the foundation.

But if the foundation is already weak and wobbly, when something shakes, it is likely to fall down, if the foundation is strong and something shakes it, you’re likely to get through it without any major problems. So yeah, that is really, that is really my opinion on it. It can be amazing, it can be extremely challenging. And it really has to do with the people that show up in that relationship. I would say if you’re a committed couple, and you’re thinking about opening up and bringing a third or third and fourth person into it, that you choose really wisely. Don’t be thinking with your hormones, don’t be thinking with your genitals. Oh, they’re hot oh, there, they would actually have sex with us? Or she would or he whatever Don’t think like that. Think about is this an emotionally mature person that I would be willing to engage with? Is this a person that’s going to add to our lives add to our relationship? Or are they going to take away from it and create more drama, that by the way, that piece I just shared there was, you know something that I really believed very strongly in is that if we were ever going to add anybody into our relationship, it had to add to our relationship, it couldn’t take away. In other words, if either of us felt like we weren’t getting the time, attention, love, and care from each other because that was being distracted and taken away by somebody else, that it wasn’t adding to our relationship. It was subtracting from it. We didn’t want that. So yeah. And then the last part of the question is, do you know of any books that dive deep into the topic? Yes, I do. I’m going to give you probably the top three that I’ve read. Number one is a book called Sex at Dawn, I have personally met the author of this book.

It is a great book because it goes back and it looks at the historical evidence for monogamy and nonmonogamy. And it really gives you a background in this like if you really want to know, is this normal, right? Is this something that humans should do or not? You really get some pretty deep insight into how man has operated for most of his existence. It’s a fascinating book, it’s really a great read. I haven’t read it in quite a few years. But it’s a book that both I and Céline had read. We both liked it a lot. We’ve recommended it to a lot of people. It’s actually on our rather lengthy recommended reading list, as are the other two books I’m about to tell you about. So we do have a reading list. It is in our vault. So if you go to Kevinandceline.com/vault, that link is always in the description. Sign up. For access to that, you just have to give us your email. And there are tons of resources in the vault, one of which is our reading list, which is a very lengthy reading list. We just updated it last year. And there is a ton of stuff it’s broken down. Books on sexuality for me And for women, for couples, all kinds of things on Tantra, just polyamory and opening, I mean, it’s, it’s pages worth of really spectacular resources. So link for that is also in the description.

The second book I would recommend is a book called opening up. This is another fantastic book, this is a little bit more sort of a practical look at how a couple really successfully opens up their relationship. And then the last one is a book called The ethical slut. This is a classic in the polyamory, nonmonogamy space. I’ve pretty sure I also met the author of that one, at least once or twice, two years ago. I think they’re all great books, if you’re really interested in this, for sure, pick those up, start reading them, I would say learn as much as you can about it if you know people who have experienced talk to them about it because you really want to be prepared when going into a situation like this. And unfortunately, what we have seen way too many times is too many people attempt this without really knowing what they’re getting themselves into. And then they end up with a lot of problems. And really, you don’t want that you don’t want to jeopardize your relationship. So, you know, study up, learn what you need to learn, be well-informed, and make sure you have great conversations with each other before you embark on this path.

And then my last piece of advice on this is if you’re gonna go there, you need to make a pact between the two of you that no matter what happens, no matter how attached somebody gets to another partner, you are 100% dedicated to each other. And that nothing is going to change. That’s the biggest fear people have when it comes to opening their relationship is that their partner is going to fall in love with somebody else or the sex is going to be better and they’re going to leave and be with that person. You need to make sure that your partner is 100% assured that that’s not gonna happen. Now, obviously, we can’t ever 100% guarantee anything, but you want your partner to feel that unless some major cataclysmic event happens that is highly unlikely nothing is going to harm or end your relationship. Okay, so I got two more questions for you. But before that, a word from my sponsor.

Hey guys, do you know what makes a man great you know, the kind of masculine man that women are irresistibly attracted to and want Is it money job title, his physical body being great in bed, a big penis, or great pickup lines? But what if you don’t have those are only some of them. What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships are embarrassed by your bedroom skills, doubt whether you can rise to the occasion worry about lasting long enough, or are always stuck in the friend zone? I can help you if you are ready to make big changes and finally become the man you have always wanted to be, then this is the program for you. To find out more please go to KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior. That is KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior. Book a strategy call with me today it is free we can talk about what you need help with and how we can get you to your end goal. I cover all things sex, love and relationship in this program. Since we were just talking about nonmonogamy, if that is something you need help with, I can absolutely help you get prepared for that or work through it. If you’re currently in it. I can help you become the man that you have always wanted to be as the commercial says. I’ve been working a lot lately with men, helping them understand what it means to be a masculine man in today’s confusing society, how to get back on track how to show up as that strong masculine, and how to rock it in the bedroom. So if that sounds interesting to you go to KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior.

All right. Next question. I’m particularly interested in the roles that people take and how they handle questions of jealousy and intimacy and whether it is sustainable in a society that strongly connects morality to sexual ethics. lucidity and monogamy. So this came from an email question and it was kind of a back-and-forth with this particular person. And they were really interested in again non monogamy but more specifically as the question says, questions of jealousy and intimacy and whether or not it’s sustainable in a society that connects morality to sexual exclusivity and monogamy. Okay, first, I want to tackle the society part and the connecting morality to sexual exclusivity and monogamy. I do not think that morality and exclusivity or monogamy are the same thing. That doesn’t mean that I think there’s anything wrong with monogamy. You know, a lot of people assume that because of the way that Céline and I started our relationship, we had an open relationship all the time. And so, therefore, we’re just not people who do monogamy or believe in it. That actually was not true. While we did start out as a triad where there was a third person involved. Once that person left for the entire rest of our relationship, which was everything, but the first six months of it, we were 100% monogamous. And we loved it that way. And we had no desire or need to do anything outside of our relationship because we were completely satisfied by each other.

So I say that, to demonstrate that I am not against monogamy in any way. But I will say that morality and monogamy aren’t the same thing. You can be completely what’s the word I’m looking for, in line with your morals, and still be in an open relationship seemed morality, in my opinion, doesn’t mean you can only have sex with one person, it means that whatever relationship type you choose, you do it in a way that has integrity, right? So you can be completely moral, so to speak. And be in say, you know, a triad, as long as everybody is aware of what’s happening, there’s good communication, everyone’s being honest. And everyone is acting with integrity for the best interest of everyone in that group. In my opinion, that is the moral thing to do. Now, some people would argue with me on that. And they would say, Well, you know, religion or the Bible specifically says, Well, go listen to the episode we did quite a while back about sex and spirituality. And are they mutually exclusive? Because I went and did a bunch of research on this topic, and found out that it all of the major religions say very little about sexuality. And the overwhelming majority of rules, so to speak, when it comes to sexuality and religion, are actually written in the major books that those religions are based on, like the Bible or the Torah, etc. So, yeah, where does it come from, then?

Well, it comes from man, it comes from religious control systems where they had a vested interest in controlling people and telling them that this is what God said, which is interesting, because, you know, the said, just to use the Christian example, because that is the one I’m most familiar with. If it’s not in the Bible, there’s no way of us knowing where it came from. So when your pastor gets up there and says, This is what God said, and you’re like, I’ve read the bible cover to cover that ain’t in there, where did that come from? Right. So, yeah, I would caution you not to tie morality to sexual exclusivity and monogamy. Now, there is such a thing as sort of cultural morality, which is what a particular culture collectively agrees upon, as the moral code for that society. So, in many societies, the moral code that they have agreed upon is monogamy. But that is not true for all societies, and that is not even true for all historical periods of time.

So we’re looking at different periods of time in different places in the world, and you will find vastly different moral codes, I refer you back to the Sex at Dawn book if you want to know more about that. So, yeah, there can be a cultural morality that says that monogamy is better and that, you know, nonmonogamy is immoral. But that is just what a group of people has collectively agreed upon as their code of morals or ethics. It doesn’t make it wrong in the eyes of spirit or God or whatever you want to call that. So you know, you need to make a decision for yourself, whether or not you think that that is moral. My personal feeling is, is that as long as everybody involved is a consenting adult, everybody is acting with integrity, there’s excellent communication, and everybody’s doing their best to make the situation the best for all parties involved, then it is perfectly moral. Okay, enough about that.

Then the next part of that question was about jealousy and intimacy. So how do people handle questions of jealousy and intimacy? I will, I will say, maybe I’ll start with intimacy first. My personal experience is, is that as long as somebody is there, as long as their heart is open, and they’re willing to really be themselves and be open and honest with another person, you can easily be intimate with more than one person. Now, is that going to be the exact same intimacy with every person you’re with? No, not necessarily. There might be some people that you can go deeper with and others. But it is absolutely possible to have a deep level of intimacy with more than one person. Intimacy really is a lot about one, how you show up how open you are. And two, how much time and shared experience you have with somebody, the longer you’re with somebody, the more time you’ve had to really open up and deepen and have shared experiences, the deeper that intimacy can be. This is why I always say that when you’re in a long-term committed relationship, the sex just keeps getting better and better and better. Because you keep deepening that level of intimacy over time, that deeper that level of intimacy. Right?

The better the sex is, the more open you are, especially for women, the more open she can be. And you know, when it comes to sex, a woman needs to just be as wide open and vulnerable as you can. And that’s not an easy thing for her to do unless she really trusts you, and has a deep level of intimacy. So that is absolutely possible. And it just takes time. If you’ve been programmed into the I can only be intimate with one person, I can only be open and vulnerable with one person, it’s probably going to take you some time to learn how to be open with more than one person, but it is absolutely possible. And then let’s cover the last piece, which is the jealousy part. Jealousy absolutely comes up, I have only met in my lifetime, a few people. In fact, I’m sure I can count on one hand the number of people who genuinely, genuinely do not experience jealousy. There are a few of them out there. However, their brain and nervous system are wired, and they do not feel or experience jealousy. They are extremely rare. They’re absolutely the outliers. The overwhelming majority of people absolutely do experience jealousy, even in the perfect situation, even where everybody’s acting with integrity, and you know, everything is flowing. And there’s lots of great communication and openness, there can still be jealousy. So the goal isn’t necessarily to eliminate all jealousy, we must get rid of every little bit of jealousy. No, that’s not the goal, because it’s pretty much impossible.

The goal is how do you handle jealousy? When it comes up? Do you overreact? Or do you stay calm? And you know, say, Okay, we need to talk about this. And let’s figure out a mature way to work through this. So yeah, jealousy is totally normal. It’s going to come up in most situations. And then the question is, how do you deal with it? The first thing is to be aware of it. The second thing is to not allow yourself to overreact when it does come up. And the third thing is to get all parties involved together and have some really open and honest discussions about where you’re at what you’re feeling and how to deal with it. It’s not necessarily an easy thing to do, but it is possible to do and it is something that pretty much everybody in an open relationship will have to deal with at one time or another. This is something actually that I do specialize in helping people with whether singles couples triads, or whatever. Because I have had a lot of experience personally in it, it is something that I can absolutely help you with. So if you are a couple, triad or more or whatever, and you are dealing with these issues of jealousy and intimacy, morality, and all of that, please go to KevinandCéline.com and schedule a strategy call. I can definitely help you work through that.

Okay, one last question for this episode is also related, yet different. So you notice those first two, while related to open relating cover different aspects of open relating. And so the third one, although related, is covering yet another aspect of it. And that’s why I chose all three of these, even though they were a similar topic because they were all addressing very specific parts of the idea of nonmonogamy. So here it is. My wife and I have discussed experimenting with inviting a third person in to have sex, but we aren’t sure how to send the invite. We regularly attend a local bar in my town two to three times a week. And there are a lot of cute girls and guys that come and go. But how do we invite someone without weirding the other person out? I’m pretty confident I can ask any dude if they want to fuck my wife, they would say yes. But what about women? Any advice would be appreciated. This, this is a great question. Because it is something that a lot of couples who are thinking about opening their relationship struggle with struggle with, especially if you don’t live say, in Southern California, where there’s a huge Tantra and poly community right up the road, like I do. It can be challenging.

Okay, so first of all, your wife and you have discussed experimenting with it. And you even got as far as like, how do we invite somebody in? Okay, great. I hope that you have laid the foundation, everything I talked about for those other two questions is about laying that foundation so that you can do this properly, properly. Assuming that you have done that, then the next question becomes, how do you create the invite? All right, so you mentioned that you spend a lot of time at a local bar, I hope you’re not drinking two to three nights a week like that, or at least not in excessive amounts just for your own health reasons. But that is going to be one of the more difficult places to make this happen. So you do run a significant risk of quote-unquote weirding the other person that what you don’t want to be perceived as is you know, regular couple that’s always in the bar that’s hitting on every cute girl that’s in there trying to pick them up. Because what’s gonna happen is the second a cute girl walks into that bar, somebody’s going to catch her and say watch out for those two, they try to pick up every girl that comes into the bar. You don’t want to be that those people.

And it sounds to me like you are mostly looking for a female. You are correct, by the way, that it would be way easier to find a guy to fuck your wife, you could ask any guy that your wife is attracted to and they will most likely say yes. Piece of cake, no problem. However, what you’re looking for, has been coined the term for this person has been coined unicorn. So the hot young, single woman who wants to come and be your third person in your triad or your play partner from time to time is the holy grail of non monogamy is the unicorn Why is it called a unicorn? Well, have you ever seen a unicorn? Let’s put it that way. Ever seen one? I’m guessing? Probably not. It’s sort of a little bit of a joke. I mean, some people really do insist that unicorns are real, or at least were once real and more potentially hunted to extinction. Whether or not that is actually the case whether or not it was you know, some deformation of say, deer that only had one horn they do exist whether or not they’re talking about narwhals in whatever it was. They call this third person the unicorn because they are extremely hard to find. But they do exist.

My suggestion to you though, is to put yourself in situations or or surroundings where there is a better chance that you will find what you’re looking for. So what do I mean? Well find a local sex-positive Meetup group in your area, find you know, maybe a poly group in your area, and get involved with them get to know them go to their events, if they have them, you can potentially find a Tantra group now Tantra doesn’t necessarily mean that everybody that’s there is open to nonmonogamy don’t make that assumption as many people do. That is not necessarily the case. But you are at least surrounding yourself with people who are a bit more open to alternative sexuality. So you could potentially if this is your thing, get involved in the swinger community, that’s a place where you’re much more likely to find that as well. So the idea is just you know, hitting on regular people who come into a bar by themselves, your chances are pretty low. It could happen, maybe after enough drinks, and then they’ll end up regretting it the next day, and like never coming back to the bar again, because they don’t want to see you because they’re like, Oh, my God, I can’t believe I got so drunk, and I went home and had sex with that couple kind of thing, right? That’s not the experience that you want to have.

So, yeah, get involved with groups of people that may potentially be into that thing. And nowadays, a lot of people are doing it through online dating sites, y’all know which ones are about hookup culture, and which ones are like people genuinely looking for their life partner. Some, of course, have both. But you know, that is another way you could potentially find people who would be interested in Yeah, playing with you being your unicorn. So, you know, once you’ve done that, once you’ve sort of put yourself in those scenarios. And there are some possibilities. Always be 100% upfront with what it is that you are looking for you, any woman, any woman is going to need to feel safe in this situation before she’s willing to play with you. So just be upfront, tell them right away, here’s what we’re looking for. Here’s what we would like to get out of it. Here’s where we are as our relationship and here’s how we feel you could fit in and here’s what we’re willing to offer you and, and all that kind of stuff. So make the invite to somebody that you already believe is has a reasonable chance of either saying yes, or at least not being offended by it, and be really upfront with your request. You know, attractive single women willing to be the unicorn are in high demand. And there aren’t that many of them out there. So you know, all I can say is good luck to you. It can happen. But you’re definitely going to have to stack the odds in your favor. Okay, so there you go. There are five questions for this episode of listener questions answered. I hope that that was helpful and interesting to you. That’s all I have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 53:36
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at Céline remy.com forward slash vault. That’s c e l i n e r e m y.com forward slash vault. Thanks for listening. And remember, you’re amazing