How Honest Should You Be With Your Partner?

Céline Remy 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you are a man, woman, single couple. This is the show for you because well, sex matters. We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony, and sending me.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right. Welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 53, and it’s titled “how honest should you be in your relationship”? And you know, I find something somewhat funny, maybe even slightly ironic about today’s show.

Kevin Anthony 0:46
Generally, I’m the kind of person that has a lot of patience. And so, you know, when things sort of annoy me or irritate me, I can kind of take a deep breath and Okay, let me find a nice compassionate way to say what I want to say.

Kevin Anthony 1:04
And then sometimes I’m just like, fuck it like I’m not going to sugarcoat anything. So we’re doing an episode today on how honest you should be in your relationship. I just happened to be in one of those moods where I’m not going to sugarcoat anything. So as we go through this episode, you might get some slightly harsh truth bombs, deal with it.

Céline Remy 1:26
And I tried to sweeten it, I was just like topless as we were starting this episode for Kevin just to bring him in the mood of happiness and stuff. So I did my best for all of you listening for him to be happy and good.

Kevin Anthony 1:38
Yeah, well, it was helping but I’m still gonna drop some truth bombs.

Céline Remy 1:43
I love that. That’s what we do. That is true. Set. This episode is brought to you by power and mastery, the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder, stronger erections or last longer, expand your sexual skills and potential in the bedroom.

Céline Remy 2:03
Power and mastery is designed to develop your physical mental stamina and enhance your sexual abilities. And you can find all about power and mastery at powerandmastery.com.

Kevin Anthony 2:17
Yes, do it. You will thank us.

Kevin Anthony 2:22
Okay, so you know, we were kind of joking when preparing for this episode, right? Because the title is how honest should you be in your relationship? And the joke kind of went like this? Totally 100% honest, okay, the show’s over.

Kevin Anthony 2:37
But as usual, life is never quite that simple. Right. So it definitely requires more discussion.

Céline Remy 2:43
Absolutely. So one of the things that we have done is we broke it down into three different areas that we think you should be honest. Number one, you have to be honest with yourself, and it’s like the most important one. Number two, you have to be honest with your partner.

Céline Remy 3:00
Number three, you have to be honest in the bedroom. And yes, we are going to go through each one of them. Look, at the example, discuss this more in details. But if we were to look at the big picture from there, like, really, these are the three parts you are nice with yourself, you’re honest with your partner, and you’re honest, also in the bedroom, because we are looking at it from the angle of your relationship.

Kevin Anthony 3:21
Yeah. And we also wanted to talk about the difference between privacy and secrecy. Right? Because some people are like, well, there’s just certain things that I can’t share, right? So when thinking about that, really what was coming in for me was that you know, we all have what we call the monkey mind. And the monkey mind is just the kind of random crazy thoughts that go on in our minds.

Kevin Anthony 3:50
So when we say, hey, you should be 100% honest with your partner? Does that mean you have to share every monkey mind thought that goes on in your mind? Know exactly, no.

Céline Remy 4:02
The mind filters it. I mean, we have so much You can’t even remember everything. I mean, we have like something like 60,000 thoughts a day?

Kevin Anthony 4:11
Yeah, I don’t know what that number is. But it’s a lot. But the reality is, is that, you know, all kinds of crazy thoughts, you know, pop in your head, that aren’t things that you would ever do. Or things that you even really want. It’s just weird monkey mind-stuff, you know, floats around in everybody’s head. So. So the idea is that there’s no need to share those kinds of things.

Kevin Anthony 4:34
That’s where the privacy comes in, which is that you can keep a private, this crazy monkey mind-stuff, you don’t have to. But you also don’t have to share things that aren’t really real. Right? So you can keep those things private secrecy, on the other hand, secrecy is really when you are withholding things on purpose that are real because you don’t want the other person to know about them.

Céline Remy 4:58
Or you don’t have to deal with consequences of sharing those thoughts, actions that have been taken in the past. And it’s a slippery slope. And I know that you’ll find a lot of different devices online and people saying, hey, why would you want to risk or jeopardize your relationship by sharing something that’s over that you’ve done in the past, and especially thinking right now about people who have had affairs or cheated on their partners and had infidelity and they’re like, it’s over? I’ve done it once, and it’s never happening again.

Céline Remy 5:32
And it’s, it’s a tricky one here, you know, ideally, you want to be in a situation where you never have to cheat. Because you have the communication, and you have the foundation in your relationship where there’s discussion, there’s openness and this trust and intimacy that’s being built.

If it’s something that happened once, and you’re thinking, I did it once and nine is going to ruin the rest of my life, forever. I get it that you may not want to share that if it’s something that’s happening often.

Céline Remy 6:05
Most people cheat more than once. It’s a pattern, and it’s something that’s happening often them like, yeah, that’s that’s not really cool.

Kevin Anthony 6:13
Yeah, well, you know, I don’t want to go too far into this particular scenario. And all I would really say is that it’s a case by case basis. And so to give some sort of general recommendation for what you should do, I don’t think we can do, I think each one needs to be taken on an individual case by case basis and figure out, you know, how might that affect.

Kevin Anthony 6:35
But I agree with you and what you said, which is that you should structure your relationship such that you never, never wind up in that situation, you never end up having to do something that you know, is potentially going to jeopardize your relationship that you can’t share. Right? If you’re truly in a healthy functioning relationship, one, you wouldn’t have to cheat.

Kevin Anthony 6:58
Because either you would be fulfilled in your relationship. Or if you’re not fulfilled in your relationship, you would be able to talk about it, and then be able to figure out a solution for you to be fulfilled in your relationship.

Kevin Anthony 7:11
And so you would never end up in that scenario.

Céline Remy 7:14
Absolutely. One more thing that I wanted to share is about having a strong moral compass for yourself for your life in general, and a client of mine, and you know who you are, if you’re listening, because I know you’re listening to the show, used to have a lot of affairs. And he came to see me seeking some help around his sex life, and how to become more of a sexual master in the bedroom, his relationship and all of that.

Céline Remy 7:45
Through working together over several years, you know, seeing me on enough, he’s coming to a place now where he’s realizing that being honest, is very important. And most importantly, being a little, with his own values at all time with his actions, and that all the liberal times that he was cheating, that he was doing things that were against his own moral compass of things that he held dear. We’re chipping away at his own self-respect. And then also we’re showing up in the bedroom in different ways in his relationship and dynamic with his wife.

Céline Remy 8:20
He made more of a commitment to be like, Hey, I’m going to be super honest. So when he started seeing me, he was like, Hey, I sent her all the information in the email about who I’m seeing. And he’s like, I’m having a sex coach, and I’m getting like therapy with this person, or whatever words they use, you know, and it was a funny part. He’s like, Well, I know my wife doesn’t really check her emails. But if she did, and if she wanted to, it’s in there.

Céline Remy 8:46
And so I was like, well, you know, I can still say, congratulation for being upfront and honest. And yes, it was a creative way to still then around the fence. But what was interesting is simply the fact of what he’s doing all that other work, self work over on himself, he realized that the act of not being honest, and especially also with himself was really taking away from his enjoyment of life, he’s ability to feel happy to feel good about himself to look in the mirror, his ability to show up as a father, he’s got a song, like, what kind of a message Are you showing to your kids?

Kevin Anthony 9:28
Well, that’s the destructive ability of, of what’s the word I’m looking for? Help me Help me Help me. Damn it. Right. But yeah, I need anytime that you’re like dishonest or anything like that. There’s like destructive, negative energy associated with that, right. So that kind of stuff can definitely up. But yeah, I don’t know how far down the moral compass part I wanted to go. But you did sort of mention being true to your moral compass.

Kevin Anthony 10:10
You know, one thing that I think should, at least at some point during this show really be spoken to is that when many people think of a moral compass, they think of right and wrong, often more associated with particular religious belief. They’ll say, well, like a lot of people would assume most of what you guys talk about isn’t exactly moral, you know, according to these different systems and codes that are out there. So I would just like to make the point that that’s not true. Right, that, that it has often been sort of lumped in as an immoral activity when it’s not.

Kevin Anthony 10:51
In other words, one belief system might think that the only real moral way is monogamy with a man and woman Hmm. And that anything outside of that is immoral. And that’s really not true. So what is immoral versus immoral is how you do it. Right. So like, you can have a stable, family, unit, man and woman together in a relationship, and you could still actually have sex with other people, as long as it’s all done openly with consent of everyone with proper communication, and all that kind of stuff. So I just wanted to briefly touch on that, because when you’re talking about following someone’s moral compass, what you really mean is, you know, your moral compass, you know, right, like, what, what is what do you consider to be right?

Kevin Anthony 11:40
And of course, there are some basic things that apply no matter what, which is like honesty, right? not hurting, not intentionally hurting anybody else, you know, few of those basic what we would call natural laws, as long as you’re not breaking one of those natural laws, and everybody’s informed consent, and it’s all good.

Céline Remy 11:57
And you can be in a same-sex relationship, and you what would be wrong would be to know that you like same-sex and be in an ethical sexual relationship? Oh, yeah.

Kevin Anthony 12:07
Let’s just dive right into our three sections. Right, let’s just jump right into being honest with yourself.

Céline Remy 12:13
Yes. All right.

Kevin Anthony 12:14
What does that mean? And what does that really look like?

Céline Remy 12:16
Well, first of all, you have to be really clear on what are you looking for in life and in a relationship like, like, independently of whether or not you are in a relationship? Like, what’s, what’s the big picture for you? You know, I’ve met people who were like, I don’t want to be in a relationship. I just want to have like, casual friends, some would benefit somebody about and that’s all I want. Some people like, I want to be married, I want to have free point have children offers like, it’s anything in between. So it’s like, what what do you want?

Kevin Anthony 12:49
Yeah, as simple as that sounds, we see so many people who are in Dynamics or situations or relationships that aren’t really a hundred percent one they want. Right? So they might be in a monogamous relationship. And that’s not really what they want it. Or they might be in that monogamous relationship and have children. But that wasn’t really what they wanted, right? They did it because that’s what the other person wanted, or because they weren’t really sure what they wanted?

Kevin Anthony 13:16
Or because of that, well, maybe I could make that work, or are they in a relationship with somebody because they’re, like, 75% match. But like, maybe an important 25% is not a match, but they’re like, it’s good enough? Yeah, thank you. Well, I’ll never find any better than that. So it’s really important that you are hundred percent honest with yourself about what you’re looking for because you’re not actually ever going to find it, if you don’t really know what you’re looking for.

Céline Remy 13:45
Absolutely. Absolutely. So once you are having clarity around that, the next step is what are you capable off in a relationship at the current moment, and this is a really good one.

Kevin Anthony 13:59
This is a big one because this really requires you to do some deep work and be really honest. I will give you an example from my own personal life on this one. So years ago, I was in a relationship, and I was like, I thought this was the one right, you know. I thought we’re gonna get married. And this is like, how it’s gonna be. And then we ended up breaking up for various reasons that weren’t so clear at the time. But now we’re very clear. All good in the end, right?

Kevin Anthony 14:30
But immediately following that breakup, I started a relationship with somebody else. And I was really honest, at the time with that person. And I said, Look, here’s where I’m at, I’m still really hurt from this past relationship. I am not actually capable right now, of being in a committed relationship with you. And so I said, I like you, I like spending time with you. But I am so not over that last one. It’s really not fair to you. But I also said, knowing that if you still want to spend time together, then I’m happy to do that. Because we have a good time together, we have fun. And we, you know, we travel Well, whatever. So that was, that was me at that time having to get really honest about where I was at.

Kevin Anthony 14:30
Because this person was a lot of fun. We had things in common, we traveled all over the world together. And I was just like, but I had to be really honest. Like, I am not at all ready to be in the type of relationship that you want to be at. But that’s not an easy thing to do. Especially when people transition from one relationship and into another one, they’re often not very honest with themselves. They haven’t given themselves time to mourn the previous relationship. They haven’t given themselves time to figure out. Okay, what did I learn from that? Well, you know, where did it go wrong? How can I do better the next time? Absolutely.

Céline Remy 15:54
And that’s a powerful one. And I think that it is powerful when you can show up in a relationship and be like: this is what I can give right now. I think that for all the women listening, it might be a little easier for men to be like, I like telling you exactly where they at. And a lot of women don’t listen, I’ve seen that time and time over where he says, I’m not ready for a committed relationship of where he says, I don’t have time for this, or I only want sex. And she goes like, well, he might say that, but I’m going to be the one who’s going to help him change his opinion, you know, I’m going to help him change his mind or like, it’s fine with others, but not with me, of course.

Céline Remy 16:36
And you know, I was guilty of that too. As a woman and teaching like the irresistible woman course to women, I’ve seen that this is really a pattern. There is something I don’t know why. But a lot of women tend to just like because we’re more figurative how we speak. So we’re thinking, well, he’s not quite meaning it’s, it’s not 100%. trust him, if he tells you I’m not capable of that or don’t one this, he’s telling you, he’s true callers right away, then you decide whether or not you want to play the game.

Kevin Anthony 17:07
Yeah, for so in that story that I just told. I was very upfront about that. She didn’t listen to it. We went on spending time together, she got very attached when things started to not work out. She wanted to seek some outside help, which we did. And she sat there and told her whole story to the counselor, as did I and the counselor looked her right in the eye and said, he’s been telling you this all along. And you’re not listening, huh?

Céline Remy 17:37
Yeah, absolutely. So very important here. So as we are still looking at the relationship, and being honest with yourself, what do you want in the future? Right? And if you are in a relationship, where is this relationship going? So it’s kind of a segway into the next one. But really, what do you want in the future? When you picture your life? You know, how have you picked up your life?

Céline Remy 18:01
Are you somebody who’s gonna travel a lot, somebody who wants to be a homebody? Somebody who wants to have a lot of friends or somebody who just wants to have like one partner and do nothing else? Like, there’s a lot of options. And you got to be really honest.

Kevin Anthony 18:15
Yeah, there’s, you know, one of the good things about being a little bit older and having had, you know, a bunch of relationships, as I have so many stories. But like, you know, here’s, here’s a great one where you know, you’re in a relationship for a certain amount of time, which usually means several years. And then all of a sudden, the person’s like, I always wanted to live in Montana. And you’re like, Wait, what?

Céline Remy 18:41
I’ve always hated snow, you could have told me that for years ago.

Kevin Anthony 18:46
Remember that time when I told you, I moved from a very snowy place, and I was done with it, and never wanted to ever live in a place where it was cold again, somehow, maybe that just went over your head? I’m not sure but,

Céline Remy 18:59
but that’s why we put it in relationship with the self. Because some people are not willing to want what they want. I always say you already know what you want. But we somehow I don’t manage to get in our own way and be like, I can possibly want that. Or it’s not possible or shouldn’t or it’s like, No, I don’t know what I want. Because you’re like, oh my god, I can’t just really look at this and, and embrace it. Because I would mean, I would have to embrace who I am and loving and accept myself totally as I am. That’s a huge deal to do that.

Kevin Anthony 19:30
Exactly. When telling that story, all I was hearing in the back of my head was Adam Sandler from the Wedding Singer. That’s information that could have been useful to me yesterday.

Céline Remy 19:48
We are now on the subject of with a partner. Let’s look at that second phase of like being honest with your partner, and what that looks like.

Kevin Anthony 19:57
Oh, yeah. Oh, boy, where do we start with this one. So you got it. All right, being totally honest with your partner, we’ll just start at the very beginning of probably one of the number one things that nobody ever talks about is giant elephant in the corner of the room, you’re still attracted to other people, duh, or humans, you know, we can still look at other people and go, Wow, she’s damn sexy, or wonder what it would be like to have sex with her.

Céline Remy 20:27
And you know what that means you healthy, and that means you alive. And here’s what happens when people stop giving themselves permission to feel attraction towards and ever being, they start to really wrap their heart with this steel band-aids and like, I can’t feel anything, I can’t rub their crack or whatever it is, you know, but like this get not be happening.

Céline Remy 20:47
And then the more you do that, you kind of put yourself in a cage. And it becomes way harder to start to even feel the desire and attraction for your partner. Because you are not allowing this energy to flow freely in your body for whoever it is. And just because you feel attraction, you do not have to act on it.

Kevin Anthony 21:06
No, of course not. And I think it’s completely unrealistic for people to assume that once you’re in a relationship, all attraction to all other humans instantly goes away. That’s just ridiculous.

Céline Remy 21:17
It absolutely is. One of

Kevin Anthony 21:18
the things I love about our relationship is that we can talk about that, you know, where you can be like, Oh, my God, he’s really high. You know, she or she Yeah. It’s nice when it’s a she because that’s something that we share in common. Right? So then we both go, Oh, yeah, she is looking at her ass. So that’s a big one is don’t hide it. We all know it exists. It’s okay to talk about it. Just reassure your partner that you love them that you’re dedicated to them, and you choose them that you choose them. That’s all it takes. Yeah.

Céline Remy 21:52
And so that comes into the discussion of like, hey, what would make you feel safe and secure in your relay in our relationship? You know, how can I go express my love and desire for you in ways that you feel like you feel it that it goes home? Right? And so once you know what your partner who wants and needs and it’s like, you know, hey, like you could express Okay, let’s say your partner expressed an attraction or about somebody else, or just like an appreciation, even just saying, Wow, this person is beautiful.

Céline Remy 22:20
And maybe it’s a day where you don’t feel so good about yourself and you are having a bad hair day. And you’re like, oh, and he’s finding this person’s beautiful having a bad hair day. That’s so hard. So, so sad, you know,

Kevin Anthony 22:31
where she didn’t even notice there, by the way,

Céline Remy 22:33
Exactly. But the point is, rather than having a pity party here, and then start building yourself, men towards your partner, you could also take responsibility and be like, yeah, and what do you love about me? Or tell me something you love about me? Or please tell me how much you love me? Please give me reassurance that even though these beautiful flowers all around, I’m still your favorite? Whatever you need.

Kevin Anthony 22:59
Yeah, you know, there’s a couple of theme throughout all of our work and all of our shows. And that’s personal responsibility. We won’t go there right now. But just to point that out.

Céline Remy 23:10
So the second thing to be really honest with your partner is what are the things you want in the bedroom?

Kevin Anthony 23:19
Yeah, and you know, we’re not going to go too far into that, because that’s actually our third topic. So we’ll go into the specifics about that later on. But just now to know that you really have to be honest about that. Like you really do, especially if you want to have a fulfilling sex life. We’ll save that for the next main topic here. Let’s go on into honest about what your feelings and emotions are. That’s such a big one. Good one.

Kevin Anthony 23:47
Yeah, well, it’s a really big one. Because a lot of times people are repressing those things. And they’re not actually telling the other person, how they’re actually feeling in any given moment, for lots of reasons. Oh, well, if I tell him that he’s gonna think this or you know, he’s like, if I tell her that she’s going to be pissed off at me, or whatever the thing is, but you can’t hide it, because honestly, especially if it’s your emotions, there’s written all over you anyway. So even if you’re not verbally saying it, all the nonverbal signs are telling the person,

Céline Remy 24:16
so you might as well just be honest, absolutely. Then there are things to about, like, you know, there’s an emotion that you’ve put on the side of, like, not acceptable versus emotions that are acceptable. It’s very important to not judge yourself for having those that you deem unacceptable. You don’t have to delve into them. And like, you know, being in this really lengthy emotional roller coaster and down coaster, but it’s okay to feel jealous, it’s okay to feel anger, it’s okay to feel sadness, it’s okay to feel those things. You don’t have to direct them to your partner.

Céline Remy 24:51
First of all, because also one big thing here, nobody can make you feel anything. It’s always you, you have a choice at any time, given time to tune into a particular feeling or emotion, you can snap out of it, whenever you choose to. I know sometimes it’s it seems impossible. It’s literally like a radio station, where you picking up something in a signal and you’re like. Oh, I’m feeling so sad, and all this and then notice how usually start thinking about all the things in your life that could potentially make you sad, and then this story and the major suicide.

There’s a lot, and it’s like, you know, you have all these proof of how things are so sad. But ultimately, it could only take a turning the knob a little bit and looking around like the other direction and be like, wow, I could be grateful for that.

Céline Remy 25:37
And studies have shown that just the act of looking for things that you are grateful for within your brain, like going in the file that even if you don’t find anything, just the act of it will already start to make you feel better. Absolutely. And that’s that was really big when I read that study, because sometimes it’s really hard when you download the like in that, that rabbit hole and that dead like how am I ever see this guy light again, and it’s like, I can’t even find anything I can be happy about and you’re trying to find it. even happier still thinking I’m still not happy? It’s still not that great, but that alone can help you get out of it.

Kevin Anthony 26:15
Yeah, I’d like to say to that there’s no such thing is a wrong emotion. Hmm. Because no action is an emotion. It’s what you’re feeling right? There are chemicals that have been dumped into your bloodstream. And now you’re feeling this emotion. What there are wrong causes. Mm-hmm. Right? So don’t look at the emotion as being the bad thing. You know, you’re feeling what you’re feeling. And nobody can really deny that. But look at why you triggered that. Because most likely, the cause is probably not real.

Céline Remy 26:46
Absolutely. So this leads us to our everything, to be honest with your partner is your needs. Yeah, because emotions tend to rise because meet needs are not met. It’s because of unmet needs. So our oftentimes we like into stuck into our feelings, but really what’s if you dig deeper, What’s the need that’s not being met?

Kevin Anthony 27:08
Yeah, well, if we’re talking about what we would call more of negative emotion, so you know, your sadness, your fear, your anger, those kinds of things. Yeah, basically, those, what those comes down to is, you know, whatever needs that you have that are not being met.

Céline Remy 27:22
Yes. And so it’s important to be really honest about your needs, you might be in a phase in your life, where you need a lot of extra reassurance around, I don’t know, your hooks around the love that your partner has around your intelligence around being enough, like whatever that is, we all have our weak areas, right.

Céline Remy 27:42
And sometimes what I love to think about is when you come together in a relationship is because you have to build each other into the best version of who you can be. And sometimes you’d be like, I’m really struggling with that I can’t, I’m really trying to be my best champion and cheerleader myself, but I could use a little help, you know, and it’s okay to ask for those things. Totally.

Kevin Anthony 28:06
You know, there’s, there’s a lot of needs that you could potentially have, and they should all be put out there on the table, you know, you’re you need might be for more connection time you need might be for more touch, your need might be, you know, sex five times a week you need might be you need to pound you know, like,

Céline Remy 28:26
might be more freedom, or it

Kevin Anthony 28:30
might be more alone time, whatever they are, you got to put all those out there because your partner’s never going to be able to help you meet your needs if they don’t know what your needs are. And then, you know, I think we’re going to have to expand the show to be an hour-long because we always have so much to give. And I’m we’re trying to keep it you know, to 30 ish minutes, because that’s the most time that people have when they’re commuting or whenever to listen to, we want to give you as much as we can.

Kevin Anthony 29:01
But we’re gonna have to move a little bit faster here in order to finish up on time. So the last one, in being honest with your partner is your expectations for each other. So what if any expectations do you have about who they are, they’re going to become where they’re at, where they’re going.

Céline Remy 29:21
And we have a whole show on this. It’s getting real about your expectations. So we talk in-depth about that. Go listen to that particular episode. Yeah. And let’s look at the bedroom part and how honest you should be in the bedroom. Finally, we’re getting there. So the first thing I think that you need to talk about, actually, we didn’t put it first on the list, but I’m going to put it first is details about your sexual health, your health in general, and any STI, this needs to be talked before you have sex.

Kevin Anthony 29:57
Yeah, you know, it’s interesting. So in prepping for this episode, we were, you know, doing our usual research as we do. And there were a whole bunch of examples of people complaining about things that their partner never actually told them or, or people asking for advice on, you know, I never told my partner this, how do I do it now? Yeah, and so and so one of them as people who’ve concealed the fact that they haven’t an STI for years.

Which kind of blew my mind. But yeah, you need to get all that outright from the start. And, and, and the person has to know 100% what your sexual history is, as far as you know, any STI is you’ve had whether you still have them, or they’re completely gone. Whatever it is

Céline Remy 30:46
anybody you have in general, I mean, I’m sorry. But like, you need to have a choice before like, do you want to be involved in a relationship with somebody who’s got like endometriosis, or Fibromyalgia like things that are really heavy and hard deal with? You want to know these things before you start really being attached and stuff? Because it’s a big choice that you make?

Kevin Anthony 31:07
Absolutely.

Céline Remy 31:08
And you know what, don’t be afraid. We had a friend who disclosed her STI is the person said no, that’s like, was like, I can’t have sex with you. This can’t happen. And guess what things turned around. And I think three or four months later, then he came back and was like, I’m ready now. Yeah. And so it was a very question for her because she was like, wow, I was so vulnerable. I shared where I was at, and then he walked away.

But in showing everything, then he had a choice, he had time to do whatever work you needed to do. And we only talking about herpes.

Céline Remy 31:39
So it’s like something that 80% of the population has, and it’s, we’ll do a whole episode on that one day is really not a big deal. But it’s like a needed time for him to be likable to look at it and come back and say I’m okay. And I’m willing now

Kevin Anthony 31:51
always better than what happens at the beginning and not 2-3-4-6 months a year into it. Next, okay, what kind of sex do you like? This is important because people really have different ideas about what kind of sex they like.

Céline Remy 32:07
Uh-huh. And you know, your tastes will change over time. And especially when you’ve been in a relationship for a while you might want to explore as a couple that might be things you’ve never done, but it’s very important to be upfront about the kind of sexy like, you know, is it more vanilla? Is it more video? Sam? Is it more like multiple people? One person? Like, are there lots of fantasies also, that you have not yet even fulfilled? And that you like some my bucket list? like this could be like, really important to know.

Kevin Anthony 32:34
Yeah. And you’re one of the interesting things sometimes about working with couples, is that often you work with them together, but you also work with them separately, right? So it’s like, let’s all meet together. Okay, now I’m going to work with just the woman now I’m going to work with the system and then we’re going to come back together again. And what’s interesting is you really get to see they’ll tell you things when you’re working with just them that they don’t tell when they’re partners around. And so, so you mentioned, you know, do you want to have sex with other people.

Kevin Anthony 33:05
I can remember one couple in particular, where she was like, a hundred percent monogamous all the way is all she wanted just to have them forever for the rest of their life. And it turns out his number one fantasy was to have sex with other people, hmm, multiple other people.

Céline Remy 33:24
And that was more than just a fantasy. And we have also a whole show on sexual fantasies. We’ve CD release, we have an author that came on the show with us, if you haven’t listened to it go back to this we dive in much deeper about the, you know, debunk myths around sexual fantasies and reality

Kevin Anthony 33:40
of fantasy versus reality. Yeah,

Céline Remy 33:42
sure. So also, you got to be really honest about your sexual history.

Kevin Anthony 33:50
Oh, yeah. And, and one of the things that I put in the notes is you have to own it, huh? Right. So like, whatever your sexual past is just fucking. Oh, you know, if if you’re a woman, and yet one point in your life, you thought it was the greatest thing ever to have sex with the entire football team? Like, you should just own that. It doesn’t mean that’s who you are today in this moment. But when you’re really considering being long term with a partner, you got to talk about your sexual history. So yeah, you know, one night I let the whole football team bang me. Okay, but that’s not who I am anymore. I was young, I was whatever, like, just just own it.

Céline Remy 34:28
Yes. And you also need to share this any sexual trauma that has happened. I’ve had that happen numerous time where couples came in, and the guys like, I don’t really know what I think my wife was molested. And so now she’s triggered. I can’t touch her. Sometimes she reacts really, I don’t know what to do. Hey, if you’ve been sexually molested, assaulted anything around the sexuality, that was weird, that created a sexual trauma.

Céline Remy 34:54
Also, we have shown that you absolutely need to discuss this with your partner, because shit will come up. Trauma gets reactivated, especially around sexuality, if you haven’t fully dealt with it. And you are putting your partner into a very uncomfortable position if they don’t know that something happened in the past, and they thinking maybe it’s something I’m doing. And it could be really detrimental to your relationship. You don’t have to go into all the details. You don’t have to like, you know, like really good 100%. But there needs to be a mention of it. There needs to be sometimes.

Kevin Anthony 35:32
If you know about it, then you absolutely have to say and now I will say also that sometimes people aren’t aware that this trauma exists, and they get into a relationship. And then later on down the road, all of a sudden it surfaces and they’re like, Ah, what do I do now? Yeah, if that’s the case, then just talk about it at that moment. But if you know beforehand that you’ve got this kind of trauma, you absolutely have to talk about it.

I mean, god what’s worse than getting into a relationship and, and really falling in love with somebody, buddy, only to find out later on down the road that they have some sort of deep sexual trauma.

Kevin Anthony 36:05
And the thing that you love to do is like their trigger. Mm-hmm. That’s not really sad. Yeah, it is really sad. Yeah, it’s sad for both people, not just you, because you’re like, I’m not going to get my needs met. But then you’re constantly triggering the other person into their trauma. And that’s not good.

Céline Remy 36:22
So ultimately, what’s really important is like, Okay, how do you share being honest, right? Do I like, don’t share it when you’re emotionally like, super triggered, that could be something and like, where it comes up, and you don’t know how to have empathy and how to look every person in the eye, then you know, take a step back, take a breather, and share it the next day, or in an hour when things are little cool down, and share it even if it’s not fully comfortable, especially when it comes to fantasies.

Céline Remy 36:54
And it’s very important to discuss your sexual fantasies. And here’s why. First of all, just because I think fantasies doesn’t mean they have to become reality. But when you create a container of safety, where you get to really share that with your partner, suddenly it brings well, safety, but it also brings sexiness in the relationship. And that’s what keeps the energy alive. And so it’s really important to be able to share those things.

Kevin Anthony 37:23
Yeah. And I recommend that you not wait until you’re in the bedroom to talk about, you know, to be honest, and to talk about these things about what you want in the bedroom. But to really do it beforehand. If something comes up, you’re like, you know, you’re naked, you’re on the bed, you’re right in the middle and something comes up, you might need to talk about it.

But in general, I would recommend that you talk about what you want in the bedroom, and your fantasies and all these things we just covered before you get into the bedroom. Absolutely. Hey, let’s have a conversation about this

Céline Remy 37:54
great date night idea. Let’s snuggle up on the couch, let’s get naked, or at least hold each other let’s, you know, like make an evening of it. It’s like true into each other’s like deepest, like into the heart. And it’s so intimate. This is going to end up in sex.

Kevin Anthony 38:12
Which for us. You know, I would say to that with all of this stuff, especially when you’re talking about your past, whether it’s your past STI or your past history or your past traumas or anything like that. Always remember that even though the past can affect us, it doesn’t define who we are today. And so don’t be afraid to talk about these things. Because it doesn’t mean that that’s 100%, who you are today and who you’re going to be tomorrow, tomorrow or the next day, or 10 or 20 years later.

Kevin Anthony 38:42
Yeah, just know that everybody can change. everybody’s done stuff in their past that they’re proud of and everybody’s done stuff in their past they’re not so proud of right. That’s sort of the process of learning, of expanding your consciousness here as a human on this planet. So don’t hold those things against people.

Céline Remy 38:59
Yeah. Above all love and accept yourself fully and forgive yourself. If you can do that anybody else will be able to do that.

Kevin Anthony 39:08
All right, we have gone way over our show. That’s all we can do for this episode. And we could probably do a whole nother episode on the same thing, but we hope you got value and we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, leave a comment and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 39:30
And if you want more we have an entire digital library with the best sex tips and Relationship Advice at kevinanthonycoaching.com. That’s kevinanthonycoaching.com So join us in the sex vault to continue this adventure.

Kevin Anthony 39:47
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 39:48
And remember, you’re amazing