Delayed Ejaculation – What Causes It And How To Overcome It

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man, a woman single, or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 202. And it’s titled delayed ejaculation and what causes it and how to overcome it. This is an interesting topic, because, for a long time, almost all the work that we did was the opposite problem. Most of the men that we would work with would actually have what we would classify as premature ejaculation.

Kevin Anthony 0:57
For us, as you know, if you’ve listened to the show, we consider premature ejaculation is a jack elating before you want to. However, we are seeing now more and more men show up with the opposite problem, which is delayed ejaculation. It seems to be more popular. Well, maybe popular is not the right word. But it’s more common.

Kevin Anthony 1:21
So there, there are a number of reasons for that. And we’re gonna get into what those reasons are, we’re going to talk about solutions. Because there’s a ton of stuff out there. For men with premature ejaculation. Granted, most of it’s not very good.

Kevin Anthony 1:38
We have our own course out there called Master Your ejaculation, which is also part of our sexual mastery course. That is when we think is good. But there’s not a lot out there. So you know, when I ended up coaching men, and they come to me with this problem that they really basically have no idea where to start because there’s just not a lot of information out there.

Kevin Anthony 2:03
So that’s what we’re going to cover today we’re going to talk about the reasons for it. And we’re going to talk about what you can do about it.

Céline Remy 2:09
That’s exciting. And hopefully, hopefully it will give you the tools the motivation you need to feel better about this. Because it can be a big problem, it can be a problem for you, it could be a problem in your relationship. And we’ll talk more about the dynamic.

Céline Remy 2:27
We’ll talk more also maybe about the role of the woman and all of that. But before we get started, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men.

Céline Remy 2:47
Whether you want to have harder erections last longer or increase your sexual skills, there is something for you at power and mastery.com. So make sure you go check it out, and the link will be in the description below. So maybe as a good place to start will be to start to look at some of the reasons because some of them, you need to rule out.

Céline Remy 3:10
And some of them are things that you can do on your own. And so we’ll talk about some of the things that you need to wear maybe a little bit of awareness and understanding. Don’t freak out, I hope you’re not a hypochondriac if we’ve named some disease or things and you’re gonna be like, Oh, my gosh, I have this terrible thing. You know, that might probably not, it’s probably not the case. But we need to

Kevin Anthony 3:33
talk about that. Yeah, you know, these things need to be mentioned, because they are possible causes. I can say so far all the men that have come to me with this have not had any of these physical problems.

Céline Remy 3:46
That is correct that but if you want to rule out any physical issues, you want to get a physical exam, you might want to go to a urologist, somebody who can do like a pelvic about patients hands-on on things and make sure everything’s fine with your prostate with, you know, everything in that area.

Céline Remy 4:04
And you also want to check in with your doctor because delayed ejaculation could be due to something that’s a condition that conditions that are

Kevin Anthony 4:16
much more serious than ejaculation. So

Céline Remy 4:20
things like diabetes could be one thing, multiple sclerosis, pelvic trauma, prostate surgery, and spinal cord injury, all of these can affect your ejaculation.

Céline Remy 4:31
So especially if you are undiagnosed or don’t know about any of that, that’s good to check, making sure that everything rolls out good. Now, we’re not going to spend more time talking about this because really, that needs to happen with a professional medical professional and just go and get that done in that way.

Kevin Anthony 4:49
Yeah, and I just want to say you know, when a client comes to us, most of the time they generally assume that they’re pretty healthy like color-wise, they tell us right up front that they have that particular issue. But the very first thing that we always have to tell them is, to make an appointment with your doctor, have them check you out, and give you a

Céline Remy 5:11
number, get some,

Kevin Anthony 5:13
just make sure there isn’t anything else in the way. And one of the reasons for that is if there is something else in the way that you’re not aware of, then we could spend months working on this and not get anywhere because we don’t we’re not addressing the real cause of it. So always the first step is to rule out any underlying medical condition that might exist.

Céline Remy 5:34
Now there’s a big one that we need to address here, which is prescription drugs. Now prescription drugs, so many people use them on a daily basis. Now some are very well known to delay ejaculation things like the five alpha-reductase inhibitors, leptons, antihistamine, SSRIs muscle relaxants, and opiates.

Kevin Anthony 5:58
Okay, so some of those are pretty obvious, right? Like muscle relaxants and opiates, we know what effect they have on us. So it’s pretty obvious to see. I wonder why I’m not feeling anything. I’m a

Céline Remy 6:11
bit numb. I’m comfortably numb, but wonder why

Kevin Anthony 6:13
my muscles are too relaxed to do the rhythmic contractions that are required for an organ, right? Like, that’s pretty obvious, but some of them are not. And, you know, in our opinion, the medical community is not real good at mentioning these things, except in the fine print of those things when they talk really fast, and then they really can’t understand.

Kevin Anthony 6:33
Right? Like, that’s where those things come in. Otherwise, they go, yeah, no problem. Just I’ve just put you on this, you’ll be all fixed up for whatever your

Céline Remy 6:41
doctor if this is right for you.

Kevin Anthony 6:44
So a lot of people aren’t aware of things like the five alpha-reductase inhibitors or new still, a lot of people are not familiar with the fact that SSRIs, which are antidepressants, right, if you’re not aware, their antidepressant medications can affect your libido and your ability to ejaculate.

Kevin Anthony 7:02
And this is a known common side effect. And, you know, 20 years ago, when I knew some people that were going on these, and they ran into that very problem, it was like, oh, yeah, sorry about that.

Kevin Anthony 7:19
We weren’t, we didn’t really know about that, you know. And nowadays, it’s like, it’s literally so common that I’m still surprised that a lot of people don’t realize that this could be getting in the way.

Céline Remy 7:30
So you know, the simple solution is to see if you can switch medication switch for therapies like finding alternative because we all react to things differently. So sometimes one particular antidepressant might work for you or not work well or, you know, have side effects, no side effects.

Céline Remy 7:47
So that’s kind of a bit of a trial and error when it comes to the medications and that needs to be done and supervised properly.

Kevin Anthony 7:55
Yeah, we’ll see if there’s anything medical thing that gets in the way. Most commonly, it would be the antidepressant drug. As far as what we see in the work that we do. If we run into somebody who has something other than some of these other things that we’re going to talk about in a minute. The likely other things would then be SSRIs. It just is

Céline Remy 8:19
it’s and it’s so common nowadays. And now let’s address something that nobody wants to hear. But there is an age factor in there, too. It is well known that as you get older, it can take more time to climax. So

Kevin Anthony 8:35
if you’re experiencing premature ejaculation, there’s hope.

Céline Remy 8:39
Just wait another 30 years. It does mean that things change. And you know, it’s funny because I think as women, we expect that we know that our sexuality will shift as our hormones shift as we go through our lives.

Céline Remy 8:56
And we okay with that, and we’re like, Yeah, we don’t expect to be the same, then we were at 20 that now then we are in our 40s or 50s, or 60s. What’s interesting, though, is I actually don’t want to go back to being in my 20s I think that sex is much better now for me.

Céline Remy 9:13
Now, sometimes what I find interesting for the men, is they tend to prefer the sex they had before I don’t know, or maybe the glorification. You know, they actually say that what we believe is true, the memories that we have of events 50% of that is an embellishment of the truth to make us feel better about why we failed the way we did this or that or, or why we still stuck in our life.

Céline Remy 9:42
So we just kind of makeup stuff. So when you’re thinking I was so good and started 20 Let’s revisit that.

Kevin Anthony 9:49
Yeah. So even though you think you’re right, because you clearly remember it your memory is likely wrong, at least 50% of the time, the god and the rial Is when it comes to sex, almost nobody in their 20s is good at it, they just aren’t, I don’t care.

Kevin Anthony 10:05
You know, I don’t want to offend the younger people listening to us because we do have a fair share of younger people listening to us. But honestly, if you were to really compare yourself to somebody that has made it a point throughout their lives to have sex consistently, and try to be good at it, you’re not as good as they are.

Kevin Anthony 10:21
You’re just not. And I can honestly say it because I thought I was pretty good at it. And you know, what I was compared to other people, you know, like when I would talk with girlfriends or friends about it. But compared to where I am now, it’s nowhere close. Is it not even close?

Kevin Anthony 10:38
So, you know, there are a lot of benefits to the aging process. I personally think that sex is way better now than it wasn’t. And it’s not that it was bad, then it was just different. And,

Céline Remy 10:51
but you know yourself better. Also, you tend to know your partner, I think we women get better. With time, we get better at asking what we want, we get better at accessing our orgasm, which just makes it better for you

Kevin Anthony 11:03
hang-ups in the way because you’re more secure with your body and who you are.

Céline Remy 11:08
So everybody benefits from that? Yeah, yeah. And

Kevin Anthony 11:11
us as men, too. I mean, we think we’re grieving. We had sex four times last night yet, that’s because your four times were five minutes each. Like really. So as we get older, we learned to be able to control that.

Kevin Anthony 11:24
And then you know, if we really want to, we can master it. And we can go as long as we want. We can decide to ejaculate if we want or not. We decided when we want to ejaculate, we suddenly become a whole lot more concerned with what was happening with our partner. So when you’re 20, and you’re a guy and you’re having sex, you’re just like, This feels great man. Oh, can’t wait to have an orgasm, right?

Céline Remy 11:46
Hello, I’m here. Connect with me. Exactly.

Kevin Anthony 11:52
Stay with me, be with me Come on focus. And so as we get older, as men, we care a whole lot more about that connection, that focus, how is she doing? In fact, you know, I talked with a fair amount of men, you know, the 40s to 50s ish, a lot of them.

Kevin Anthony 12:11
And they all pretty much say the same thing that at least the ones that I talked to, are actually the majority of the time more concerned with her pleasure than their own. Correct. And that is completely the opposite. Most I use the term lightly men in their 20s or even 30s.

Céline Remy 12:34
Alright, let’s keep moving on a little bit. Here. There are a few things that I wanted to address before we get into, like the real meat of most people like the real reason, per se.

Céline Remy 12:46
But you got to be aware that drinking alcohol can affect your ability to ejaculate to feel things to connect with your body. So it is well-known alcohol and sex and libido interactions, tend to not go well. I

Kevin Anthony 13:01
just had this conversation with a coaching client. So you know, it’s between sessions I asked him, so how did it go since the last session because he actually is experiencing this delayed ejaculation thing. And the story starts off. Well, we were on vacation and we had a few drinks.

Kevin Anthony 13:22
And then you know, I couldn’t ejaculate and she got kind of annoyed at me and I said, Wow, you realize that you didn’t set yourself up for success? Right? Because you knew that you were already experiencing this problem and part of the homework was to do some practice to try to fix that.

Kevin Anthony 13:43
But then you had the alcohol in the mix and yeah, I wasn’t at all surprised not even a little bit that happened at that moment. So a lot of people think that you know, we need a law called relax to get in the mood to do our thing. And you know, for some people especially mean to keep bagging on the younger people, but the younger people have a lot of insecurities.

Kevin Anthony 14:11
And so a lot of times they need things like alcohol to mellow out and relax and get in the mood. There are other ways that you could address that that are much healthier than alcohol. But just know that if you no matter what age you are, if you’re experiencing this issue, you’re not helping yourself

Céline Remy 14:31
by drinking

Kevin Anthony 14:34
not opposed to alcohol not telling you you shouldn’t drink as I get it you want to have a glass of wine with dinner or whatever

Céline Remy 14:39
but a glass of wine is different than a few drinks you know if you drink

Kevin Anthony 14:44
for sure. The more you have the greater the chances are that it’s going to affect your ability to adjust. Yeah,

Céline Remy 14:50
you just have to find what works for you right your body weight, your absorption, the kind of alcohol you know, is it wine or is it strong tequila, you know, anyway,

Kevin Anthony 14:58
timing is important to you Maybe if you have a glass of wine when you’re out at dinner, and then by an hour and a half, two hours later, when you’re home in the bedroom, it might be fine. So figure out Yeah, like, like you just write what works for you.

Céline Remy 15:14
Another reason is something to do with your hormones. So if you have low testosterone or low thyroid hormones, these can delay ejaculation. So having these tested will help you know where you are. I do want to say and because we’ll talk more, again about testosterone in a little bit, but the numbers you see don’t always tell it all.

Céline Remy 15:38
But it’s also more about how do you feel? Do you feel good you have? Do you have Mojo? Or do you have like a hard time being motivated with life and finding your happy place? Like, there’s a lot of things there. But knowing that if your hormones are out of balance, it can delay your ejaculation and create things different in how your body responds, that’s, that’s a good thing to be aware of.

Kevin Anthony 16:01
Yeah, and that’s, it is kind of a deep rabbit hole for multiple reasons. One is what really is low testosterone. So you’ll hear all kinds of opinions on that as well, it means a number under this or it means this or it means that the reality is that all men’s hormone levels are different.

Kevin Anthony 16:21
It’s a pretty wide range. And as you age, yes, they’re starting around 30, and your testosterone levels start decreasing. The problem is, if you’ve never had a baseline, you don’t know when you’re 40, or 50 if your number is significantly low, or only a little bit low, because you don’t know what you were original, you know, some men may be way over 1000 Easy, no problem, and others were maybe more like 600 normally.

Kevin Anthony 16:46
So then if you get a 400 number, you know, and you’re at 600, you go, Okay, it’s dropped some I’m older, I get it, that’s part of aging, no big deal. That if you’re normally 1000, and you’ve dropped to 400, then you go, Oh, that’s a much bigger deal, right? So that it gets tricky.

Kevin Anthony 17:03
The other thing is, a lot of times there are two tests, there’s total testosterone and free testosterone. And a lot of times, you’ll just hear a number thrown out there. And sometimes doctors won’t even tell you which one they actually tested. So wait, what number is that?

Céline Remy 17:17
And then you got to remember, when do you test, you know, did you test testing in the morning? Was it on the Friday morning when you were exhausted? Or was it on Monday, when you were refreshed from the weekend? Like, you know, that’s a thing, where are

Kevin Anthony 17:29
you are under a ton of stress. I mean, there are a lot of factors in there. And so a point that you made, something that I think is really important when it comes to testosterone is you know, that there are a bunch of symptoms to look for like you don’t get morning erections.

Kevin Anthony 17:44
Right, you don’t have a libido, you have trouble putting on muscle mass, you have excess fat around the belly,

Céline Remy 17:50
like you feel depressed, just blah.

Kevin Anthony 17:54
So if you don’t have any of those things, your number comes back low. But what does that really mean? Right. So that’s why you gotta be careful with the numbers. But in general, low testosterone can contribute to this

Céline Remy 18:07
and thyroid, and thyroid, low thyroid, so the thyroid is so central to so many reactions in the body. And if it’s out of balance, so many things get thrown out of balance.

Kevin Anthony 18:20
We did two episodes on hormones, one with Dr. Michael Platt, and one with Dr. Robert Fleischer. And if you’re curious to know more about that, because I know Dr. Platt talked about thyroid hormone stuff go look those episodes up and listen to them, because you will learn something.

Céline Remy 18:39
Next. And it’s kind of connected to that if you experience depression or mental disorder, because it’s like, if you have hormone issues, you’re probably going to feel depressed or out of balance because our mood is dictated by a hormone. So they kind of go hand in hand.

Céline Remy 18:55
So I think that’s about as much time as I want to spend on that because I want to get closer to some of the things that we see. Most people who come down to the last three on our list are basically I would say like 80 to 90% of the people we see fall into that category, so you are most likely going to be falling in that category.

Céline Remy 19:14
Number one, it’s poor masturbation habits. It mostly has to do with a desensitization process that has happened over time. You know, most men will be the same as they did when they were a teenager. They haven’t really upgraded the technique. Maybe they used to have a pillow.

Céline Remy 19:32
The way you have a pillow and the way you have sex with a woman is very different. And so if you like the sensations of what you get from that humping, you probably gonna have a hard time getting that when you’re with a woman. Maybe you are using your hand really harshly.

Céline Remy 19:49
You don’t use any lube of any kind and you just go like, really? I’ve seen it where they grip their penises and go like this is

Kevin Anthony 19:57
that is absolutely amazing. Listen to me, because, you know, in the work that you do sometimes one of the things you’ll do because you know that this is a common cause is, show me, show me how you measure it.

Kevin Anthony 20:09
Because the thing is, guys always think that the way they masturbate is totally fine and totally normal. And then they show you what they’re doing. And you’re like, Whoa,

Céline Remy 20:19
hold on. No,

Kevin Anthony 20:21
Grant, I have not done in those sessions when I see those. But when you describe them to me, I, I can’t I most of the time, I’m like, how, what, who taught you how to do like, what was going through your mind? Like sometimes literally, guys will masturbate so rough, that they’re literally damaging their penis.

Céline Remy 20:44
Yeah. And they’re sore and things like that. Yeah. And this happens

Kevin Anthony 20:47
way more than just like the occasional outlier case. You know, if it was just one or two here or there, we wouldn’t think much of it. They’re outliers because there are always outliers. But when we see it as frequently as we do, it’s like, what, what is going on here so that that really rough technique can desensitize you just like anything else.

Kevin Anthony 21:09
I mean, if you’re doing martial arts, and you’re learning how to do round kicks, right, the first couple times you do that it hurts your shins like, Ah, right. But then you keep doing it, you keep doing it, you keep doing it, and eventually, you don’t feel it anymore.

Kevin Anthony 21:24
Well, you know, think of many years of really refusing that stick. masturbating. I mean, it does, it just does.

Céline Remy 21:35
Another way that we see that can get in the way is with porn and porn overuse. And more specifically, what it does is that, and again, we have episodes on porn, we’ve had experts, we’ve had people on porn addiction, I mean, there’s a lot like if you go through the history of how many people we’ve interviewed and stuff, this is a goldmine of information for you.

Céline Remy 21:57
But what happens with porn is, that oftentimes you start with something, and then you need more and more. And what happens is that you condition your brain to need a lot more stimulus to reach climax. And it’s fine when you’re on the internet because you can pretty much always find something more hardcore.

Céline Remy 22:17
But in real life, there’s usually a limit to what you can do. And so then your body in your mind is trained to have a is this like 10 intensity in order to get the climax, the pleasure that you usually get, and in real life, you might only be able to push it to a four or five. So there’s a disconnect with that. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 22:40
and that’s the problem is that excessive porn use creates a massive disconnect because what happens is, that porn fantasy becomes what you desire and it doesn’t match reality. Right?

Kevin Anthony 22:53
So like, the way I describe it when I’m coaching clients is like, okay, so you get to pick the woman that you like, the one that says the exaggerated everything, the exaggerated lips, the exaggerated hips, the exaggerated ask the exaggerated boobs, like the whole thing, right?

Kevin Anthony 23:08
Just like everything’s exaggerated the exaggerated screaming, the exaggerated moaning she looks like, you know, the perfect model from a magazine cover.

Kevin Anthony 23:17
And she does literally absolutely everything you want her to do. You know, she never says no, like, she’s just literally it’s like this perfect fantasy. You can pick your genre, right? Like, oh, she squirts or she this or whatever. And then you’re like, wow, okay, I have that stimulation all the time.

Kevin Anthony 23:36
You go and real-life comes up. And you look at your real-life partner. And it’s nowhere near the same. Maybe they shouldn’t fat a little cellulite. It’s not the perfect boobs are perfect? No, she might, she might say no and not want to do the thing that you want to do. Right?

Kevin Anthony 23:54
So what it really does is it creates an alternate reality that conflicts with your actual reality. And that gets in the way of your ability to even get an erection a lot of the times that’s a problem with that, and or rejecting them because the level of stimulation for you isn’t there with the real thing.

Kevin Anthony 24:17
And that’s a problem. So another thing that we always do when coaching men who have this problem is you’ve got to go on porn fast for a while. Because we have to, we have to find ways to re-sensitize you so that when real life walks in the room naked, you get excited. You’re like, yeah, uh-huh. Right rather than it’s not as good as my porn.

Céline Remy 24:44
Last but not least I want to address this part is that there could be a mental component, like a fear of intimacy. So it could be something in your relationship where you are afraid of being vulnerable and really just fully letting go.

Céline Remy 25:00
And in turn, your body is not going there. There could be concerns about a pregnancy, maybe one of you wants a kid, the other one doesn’t. Or there’s that fear that this could happen, what would we do?

Céline Remy 25:11
And that could be enough to block you in that. And things with guilt and shame about your pleasure about your body and your sexuality can also play a big role. And so you want to look at different things where what’s the dynamic in the relationship, because let’s say, you’re like, I don’t watch porn, I masturbate, and I’m fine.

Céline Remy 25:34
When I masturbate, I can come anytime I want. But it’s when I’m with my partner when what that tells us is there is something there underneath, that needs to be brought up to the surface because there’s a dynamic between the two of you that you’ve created, that doesn’t allow you for a full, letting go for full trust for a full experience of surrendering.

Kevin Anthony 25:56
These are often the hardest ones to uncover. They’re not impossible, because we do uncover them. But they are often the most difficult causes to find because they’re hidden. And because the men usually aren’t aware that they’re there. So it takes some digging, and some working through stuff before we can start to get down to the lower layers of where this stuff is coming from.

Céline Remy 26:21
I mean, that’s what it comes in handy to work with somebody to help you see those things. Yeah, absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 26:27
I mean, any of these could be it, I would say guilt and shame are probably the two ones I see the most, whether it’s from a repressive religious upbringing or something like that. Those two get in the way a lot.

Céline Remy 26:42
Yeah. All right. So we are going to now start to talk about what you can do. And you know, from like, common things at home, some medical approach to and then a little bit of a reframe, just to help you feel good.

Céline Remy 26:58
But before we get there, we want to invite you to check out our online store, Kevin and I have selected some great products and handpicked affiliates, where we feel like they have value and can help you increase you know, your health, your sex life, your relationship, like bring some good Juju to your bedroom.

Céline Remy 27:18
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Céline Remy 27:40
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Kevin Anthony 27:59
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Céline Remy 28:00
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Kevin Anthony 28:05
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Céline Remy 28:09
Alright, so now that we’ve given you some of the reasons, let’s talk about what you can do. So number one, you want to address your body chemistry and check out your testosterone levels. Most people say that it should be around 400, at least 400 or higher.

Céline Remy 28:25
And of course address any thyroid imbalances, and any alternative to your SSRIs or medications you’re taking. Again, we’ve talked about this earlier, but we just wanted to put it there. This requires your doctor’s supervision, and working with a professional, but it is possible you can get there and that’s one thing that you can address.

Céline Remy 28:45
Now let’s talk about what you can do on your own at home areas that you need to start to look into. So number one, you want to start to look at your pelvic floor muscles because your pelvic floor muscles are essential.

Céline Remy 28:59
So what is an orgasm, orgasm is basically a rhythmical contraction of your pelvic floor muscles and you feel them when an orgasm is coming. You can feel that pulsating bill sitting in your prostate or sitting in your pelvic area. If you don’t have toned or strong pelvic floor muscles, you’re going to have weaker orgasms as men age, and also due to our lifestyles where we are constantly sitting there is an atrophy of these muscles or sometimes they just become weak.

Céline Remy 29:28
Or I have also seen it where they become just hypertonic or they like to tone with too tight basically tights right syndrome. And so you want to find just the right balance of not too toned and not too relaxed, where it’s kind of think of it as a trampoline or It’s bouncy so that the sexual energy and the orgasm can get there.

Céline Remy 29:50
So working on and addressing your pelvic floor muscle is one thing you can do. We can help you with that and power and mastery we teach you how to do that as well.

Kevin Anthony 30:00
Yeah, I mean, I don’t have anything else to add to that one because you did it perfectly. So I’m just gonna go on to the next one, which is relaxation and breathing exercises to increase your mind-body connection and response to pleasure.

Kevin Anthony 30:12
So yeah, breathing exercise is definitely one of the ones that I like to use when coaching men because like one of the things you notice, maybe if you’ve been listening to our show for a while, but when we talk about premature ejaculation, we talked about some of these same things.

Kevin Anthony 30:28
We talked about strengthening pelvic floor muscles, we talked about using breathing exercises, and some of the ones we’re going to talk about next.

Kevin Anthony 30:34
The interesting thing is, is that these exercises can be used if you ejaculate too fast, but they can also be used if you don’t evacuate fast enough, because it’s really all about strengthening and establishing control.

Kevin Anthony 30:50
Now, with breathing exercises, we can do two different things. If we have somebody who has premature ejaculation, we can teach them how to slow their breathing down, and slow everything down. But if you have the opposite problem, we can teach you to speed your breath

Céline Remy 31:07
if you push the accelerator button. So here’s the thing

Kevin Anthony 31:11
ever noticed when you’re having sex, or even when you’re watching porn or anything, anywhere where two humans are having sex, the closer they get to orgasm, the faster they start breathing, right?

Kevin Anthony 31:21
That’s why in the beginning, it’s like, by the end it’s like, right, it’s not just because they’ve been doing physical exercise, and they’re out of breath. It’s literally connected, right? Like your breathing is connected to your orgasm.

Céline Remy 31:38
Very, very bad orgasmic sounds. That’s not the Meg Ryan one.

Kevin Anthony 31:43
No, no, because, you know, no, nobody really wants to hear the guy or guys. You know, if you were doing it, and doing like a woman fake orgasm thing, everybody would get turned out, but nobody really wants to hear the guy. shapes over here. So that’s why I kind of did a half-assed one.

Kevin Anthony 32:02
But anyway, the point is that breathing exercises can be used the opposite way in this case, which is to get you to breathe faster, because the faster you breathe, the more you amp up the energy level and excitement that you feel in your body. And the more you do that, the closer you get to orgasm.

Céline Remy 32:19
Yeah, it’s very interesting, because, in order to have an erection, you need to be into your parasympathetic nervous system, meaning the relax, rest and digest. In order to have an ejaculation, it gets into your sympathetic nervous system, which is kind of more of a fight-flight-freeze mode.

Céline Remy 32:35
But what’s interesting is that most of us tend to live our lives constantly stuck in our sympathetic reaction, but at the same time, it can numb us to that, like we’re so used to having such high levels of adrenaline, that again, you have to find that sweet spot to be able to switch it on. And so that’s finding that way to shift from one to the other.

Céline Remy 32:58
And this is what you do in the relaxation and breathing exercises, you learn to kick in the parasympathetic, or the sympathetic learning to become like just to have a better response that will help you.

Céline Remy 33:10
Another thing that you can do is to use your masturbation practice, to re-sensitize and get to know your body and, to just take it to a whole new different level. And it’s not just that this like moving up and down, like a whole new way of masturbating.

Céline Remy 33:26
But using masturbation as a way to figure out what kind of pressure and do I need that much pressure, maybe I can do something different and change things over time as well. If you’re not happy with what you have.

Kevin Anthony 33:39
Yeah, and the idea with this woman is not just to oh, let me just see if I can, Jack now. And sometimes that will actually be the goal. If I’m working with a man who is having delayed ejaculation, it’s like, well, let’s see, can you actually get yourself there? And how long did it take? Sometimes we’ll do that.

Kevin Anthony 33:55
But the real idea here is to get you back in touch with the sensations. What are you actually feeling because as we talked about before, with like the rough masturbation habits, or the excessive masturbation to porn use, like that kind of stuff numbs you?

Kevin Anthony 34:12
So what we’re trying to do here with some of these masturbation practices, in this case, is to re-sensitize you get you’re like, What do I feel? So we might use different levels of touch, right? Different ways of masturbating, it’s like, learn to really feel something, feels something.

Kevin Anthony 34:30
And of course, the key to this is not using porn, not even using fantasy in your head, right? Because a lot of times this is the only way guys can get there, but that doesn’t help them with the RE sensitizing process. Oh, the connection

Céline Remy 34:44
was if you are lost in your fantasy, you don’t really know what’s happening in your body either. There’s another thing that you can use, which is to use male vibrators.

Céline Remy 34:52
And what they do is that oftentimes they’ll provide some vibration on the perineum area which can feel really good and helps you to relax again, it helps to bring your focus to that area.

Céline Remy 35:05
I think sometimes, this is why they use it because they just put your focus on the one point in not as distracted, then the vibration in can make the muscles response, or just, you know like helps you to tune into your body.

Kevin Anthony 35:24
Yeah, and, and it can help re-sensitize, it can help you start to feel things that maybe you couldn’t feel before. But the one sort of warning, the one caveat is that excessive use of them could cause the opposite problem, which is desensitizing. Again, which is what we’re trying to reverse.

Céline Remy 35:42
But you know, again, it’s not the what, it’s the half, right. And then last, we have two more things we have addressing any psychological causes. Like we mentioned earlier, if there’s guilt, shame, if there are issues in the relationship, whether you work with a therapist with a coach with whatever professional support that you feel that you need.

Céline Remy 36:06
and there are different therapies that are body-based that are just talked based, like whatever seems to work for you at that point, like seek some help and support because if you stuck, it will help you unstuck and there is one last thing that’s kind of a medical approach and it was interesting, I was doing a little bit of research on it before the show.

Céline Remy 36:27
It is called the Emsella chair by BTL. And it’s basically what helps is will help to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. It uses magnetic fields to contract the muscles, I think they were saying like 11,000, pelvic floor contractions in 28 minutes.

Céline Remy 36:47
You know, it’s mostly designed for incontinence, they use it in women, but they are also marketed towards men, men with incontinence, men with different issues with erections men who had prostate surgeries, men after cancer, like different things like that. Basically, it’s kind of the lazy way to really strengthen your pelvic floor

Kevin Anthony 37:08
muscles to stem the muscles, this technology has been around for over the just repurposing it for you know, a new thing. And I’m not saying it doesn’t work, but you don’t need it, you can strengthen your pelvic floor muscles on your own. You don’t need to go to a doctor, you don’t need some fancy device.

Céline Remy 37:26
But sometimes it helps sometimes people need it, you know. And again, in order to get the chair, it’s not something you just get at home, it’s something you have to go to a practitioner. And it was not cheap.

Céline Remy 37:37
And while it does work, you know, you have to dedicate yourself to it for like three to four weeks, multiple times a week. And then you go through maintenance, and people seem to be happy with that.

Céline Remy 37:47
But I think that you know, maybe depending on the severity of what you’re going through, that could be a good first step to help you get back in touch. And then you can like take it from there. Sometimes it works. And so now I really wanted to talk about a little bit of a reframe if you made it all the way towards the end of this episode.

Kevin Anthony 38:06
Yeah, this is important.

Céline Remy 38:07
I think this reframe is essential. So we’ve given you the reasons we’ve given you what to do and what to start to change. But there is one part that we haven’t fully addressed, which is kind of a mindset reframe, about this whole delayed ejaculation problem thingy that you’re experiencing.

Kevin Anthony 38:26
Yeah. And there’s, there’s multiple reframes. So, you know, one that’s actually not on the list here, that I was just coaching somebody with recently, which is that, you know when they come to me, and they say, they have delayed ejaculation and go, Okay, all right, and then we start digging down into the details.

Kevin Anthony 38:46
Well, okay. What does that mean to you? How long does it usually take you? And then the answer I get is 20 to 30 minutes. And I’m thinking, Wait, what? That’s, that’s, that’s not delayed ejaculation. That’s, that’s actually the bare minimum to get a woman to orgasm. Right?

Kevin Anthony 39:05
So the reason why I’m bringing this up is that so in this particular with this particular person, and his partner, she was used to men coming very, very quickly. Her whole life, like men, always comes quickly. So 20 to 30 minutes to her, was like a really long time.

Kevin Anthony 39:24
Now in her case, she happens to ejaculate fairly quickly herself to do orgasms. Well, maybe you’re right, I met orgasm. She happens to orgasm pretty quickly herself. So for her, she was like, there wasn’t really a big deal and she was like 2030 minutes, you know, whatever.

Kevin Anthony 39:44
But I really had to give him the reframe because you don’t really realize how lucky you are to go. Most women. Oh, what they would give to have a partner that could last 20 or 30 minutes. Mr. 2030 minutes isn’t even that long.

Kevin Anthony 39:59
Like if you were telling me You couldn’t at all, you were making love for over an hour and you weren’t even close to like I’m like, Okay, so the reframe here is understand what really is normal and what really isn’t normal. So, you know, I think 2030 minutes is a great good for you. There are a lot of guys who would just struggle, they would pay anything to be able to get to that length of time.

Kevin Anthony 40:23
Yeah. And having said that, that length of time didn’t necessarily work for them. So we had to figure out how to work with that. Because ultimately, it’s what works for the two of them. But just the reframe is, is it really delayed or not? What are your current expectations?

Kevin Anthony 40:42
Because let’s say you’re a guy who most of your life was, you know, a five to seven-minute guy, right? And now all of a sudden, your 20 to 30-minute guy, you’re gonna think something’s wrong, because you’re like, all of a sudden, I can’t, I can’t ejaculate in five to seven minutes anymore.

Kevin Anthony 40:57
But is that really a problem? So what if it takes 20 or 30 minutes? And you know, I always have to tell guys, that sex is not about the destination. It’s the journey. It’s not did I ejaculate or not? It’s like, how much are frickin amazing fun and sensation that I have between the time we started and the time we finished?

Kevin Anthony 41:16
Whether it was within the jack Ulation or not, right? I mean, that’s really what it’s about. That’s one of the things I tell guys who are experiencing premature ejaculation all the time. Which is one of the reasons why because sometimes they’ll say, Well, why would I want to last longer?

Kevin Anthony 41:31
And of course, there are many reasons for that we talked about you should want your woman to have an orgasm, here’s how much she takes and all that, but I say, do you like sex? Does it feel good? Is it enjoyable? Would you maybe enjoy those sensations more? If you had it for 15 minutes instead of seven minutes? Like, wouldn’t that be kind of cool?

Kevin Anthony 41:53
You know, I never thought about that. You know, it’s like, it’s like, you’re getting the greatest massage in the world for five minutes. And you’re like, Ah, It’s over already. Do you know? Wouldn’t you love to lay there for an hour and get the best massage ever? For like a full hour? Of course, you would. Right? Same thing. It’s all about the journey.

Céline Remy 42:16
Now we’ve done many shows also around tantric sex the tantric approach? And how about how ejaculation and orgasms are two different things. So if you are somebody who can’t ejaculate, but can you still have an orgasm, because they separate the different things.

Céline Remy 42:35
So if you’re focusing so much on the fact that there’s no ejaculation happening, in the end, you might be forgetting the fact that you could have orgasms independently of having that ejaculation, and learning how to separate the two learning how to get there, then you won’t really care so much whether or not you came.

Céline Remy 42:54
And it will be more about having multiple orgasms. I also want to give the female perspective because for us women, we don’t always have an orgasm every time we have sex. Does it mean we are disappointed? Does it mean we don’t want more of it? No, we just like, oh, sometimes I hit the mark. Sometimes I don’t.

Céline Remy 43:11
And we’re very used to having this type of experience. So for us, it’s not that much of a big deal where you’re like, oh, big deal. You didn’t come today? Yeah, whatever, maybe next time, you know. And I think sometimes guys could use a little bit more of that, like, whatever attitude when it comes to what happens, as Kevin was saying, make it about the journey rather than the destination.

Céline Remy 43:34
But if you can understand the concept that your orgasms and ejaculation are different, and you can really harness that power, and you can have an orgasm, who cares if you come?

Kevin Anthony 43:43
Yeah. And that really leads us into the last thing on the list, which is discussing with your partner because, you know, I had a client where he was feeling like, you know, this was a problem. Lashes No, sorry, I got that backward. She was feeling like this was a problem. But to him, it wasn’t a problem.

Kevin Anthony 44:04
And there was a disconnect there because I asked him one day said, Well, you know if you made love for however long, and you didn’t enjoy regulating, would you still have thought that that was great sex? Like, would you still have enjoyed it? Would it still have been satisfying to you? And he’s like, oh, yeah, absolutely. I don’t really care if I get it. Right. So the idea

Céline Remy 44:28
the problem comes from the fact that many women tie their self-worth to their ability to make him come. And that’s a bigger issue here is that that’s her own self-worth issues that need to be addressed. That shouldn’t be tied to his body reaction. It’s the same as if a guy ties in his performance abilities in the bedroom based on just like how many orgasms she has.

Céline Remy 44:57
because sometimes as I said she doesn’t get to an orgasm. But she had a great time. You know, it’s like, you have to remember that, that you shouldn’t tie in your self-worth to what happens in the bedroom, it should be focused on the connection independently of what happens.

Kevin Anthony 45:13
Yeah. And since we’re talking about discussing with your partner, you kind of have these conversations, right? Like, you know, he needs to say to her, hey, look, I still think the sex is amazing. It’s fantastic. I love it. I walk away, blissed-out, even if I don’t have an ejaculation because she’s over there thinking, this is a big problem.

Kevin Anthony 45:32
He’s not having an ejaculation, I must be doing something wrong, I must not be good enough. And he’s over there going, I don’t even need it.

Céline Remy 45:39
And if you do think like, sometimes you need it, also having a good conversation, because maybe one of the reasons she thinks, Well, I really need him to come because then sex can be over with, like, you don’t have to make the ejaculation meaning that it’s the end.

Céline Remy 45:54
If you’re using her as a comeback, where you just like literally like doing everything you can to pump you come inside her, she’s not gonna roll all over her, whatever. But if you be like, hey, maybe I’ll come maybe not. It has nothing to do. I think your heart I think I love you like all of these things.

Céline Remy 46:13
And it’s like, we call it, we call it done when you’re done, let me know not to like it’s not when I’m done with this ejaculation that it’s done. And we’re not trying to like push so hard at it. Like, I’m so close. I’m so close. I’m so close.

Céline Remy 46:26
Let me just rub myself really hard inside of your vagina in the hope of making myself calm while I’m burning you through my like super high like for like pressure and, and frosting. You know, like it doesn’t work that way.

Kevin Anthony 46:42
was highly emotionally charged there. Something tells me you’ve had that experience before.

Céline Remy 46:50
This is why I think the reframe is so important.

Kevin Anthony 46:53
It absolutely is because you know, you can both have misunderstandings about it or one person can and you know, they didn’t just miscommunication is a big problem. And so many things could be solved. If you just had an open and honest, heartfelt, and compassionate discussion about what’s going on in your sex life.

Céline Remy 47:18
Well, we hope today we gave you good pointers and ideas, and tips, and hope that you feel empowered and maybe even just hopeful like yes, sex can be better. And dependently of whatever another ejaculated, like think about those multiple orgasms without the ejaculation. Think about that. That is fun.

Céline Remy 47:43
I mean, as Kevin said, some men spend years learning that trick. Some men I mean, they, you know, they come and see me and they’re like, I want to learn how to not ejaculate like they would pay 1000s of dollars, just to learn that you know how to do this, like naturally then harness it makes the most of it?

Kevin Anthony 48:02
Yeah. Most likely, she will be very glad you did. Yes. All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 48:28
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault

Kevin Anthony 48:40
vault. Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 48:43
And remember, you’re amazing