My Wife Loves Me But Doesn’t Desire Me

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 201. It’s titled, my wife loves me, but doesn’t desire me. So this is something that we see a lot with clients. When we work with male clients, they say, Well, you know, my wife and I, we have a great relationship. We’re like, best friends, but she never wants to have sex.

Kevin Anthony 0:50
And we don’t really have much of sex life. And maybe it’s been months or even years since they’ve had sex. And they basically end up being like roommates or co-parents. The problem with that is usually he’s not okay with that. And so what we’re going to be talking about today is why does that happen? And what can you do about it?

Céline Remy 1:14
Well, I mean, the other part too, is that that’s one example. But the other one that people deal with is where literally they feel rejected that no matter how hard they try, she turns down sex more than she says, yes, they feel like she’s got the power in her hand and that he’s got to beg for it.

Céline Remy 1:33
And then it creates its very, very unhealthy dynamic. So that’s another extreme of that place where he might even question Does she love me, or does she love me as a dad as a provider as this side. But that sexual side is not one that’s being appreciated or celebrated?

Kevin Anthony 1:52
Yeah, so you’re, you’re right, yet you have that they love each other, and they’re like, they get along great, but there’s no sex, and then you have the wow, it’s like, I’m not even sure if she even likes me, kind of side that that can happen also.

Kevin Anthony 2:07
So we’re gonna be talking about all of that stuff today. And we’re gonna give you some reasons why it happens and some solutions on how to fix

Céline Remy 2:15
it. And just a little warning, we are going to be very straightforward. There might be things that we share that you may not like,

Kevin Anthony 2:25
oh, there will be a few things that we share that you are not going to want to hear. Because you’re not going to think that it’s your problem, you’re going to think that it’s her problem, and we’re going to tell you otherwise.

Céline Remy 2:36
And while we do understand, by the way, that in several marriages, it is the opposite where the man doesn’t have the desire anymore. This show in particular is focused on when she no longer has the desire, and she isn’t showing up in the bedroom. So maybe we’ll make the other one another show at some point down the line.

Kevin Anthony 2:54
Yeah, we could I mean, it’s more common in the scenario that we’re going to be talking about today. But also, there are a lot of similarities. Like that’s true. There are some additional things that we would talk about if we were doing it the opposite way. But a lot of the things we’re going to talk about could work for both. All right,

Céline Remy 3:10
well, let’s help put you out of your misery. And let’s get started. First of all, a big shout out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power in mastery at power and mastery.com.

Céline Remy 3:22
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Kevin Anthony 3:44
All right, so we want to start by talking about some of the possible reasons why she has no interest sexually. So one of the

Céline Remy 3:57
the first place that I will go is like what’s wrong with me? What is it the way it’s, you know, my waistline that’s growing? Is it my balding head or things like that? And while it could be it’s not always that, and it’s rarely just one thing, it’s most likely a combination of several different factors. So keep that in mind.

Kevin Anthony 4:19
You know, we do hear from men often that they think okay, what’s wrong with me, but I don’t think that’s the first place they go. I think that’s the place they eventually get to when they’ve exhausted everything else. I think a lot of the time the first place a man goes is what’s wrong with her. How come she doesn’t want us to x?

Céline Remy 4:38
Well, let’s talk about what can go on. So number one, we put it as number one because it truly is number one, she might not be getting the sex that she wants. You have to understand that and that kind of ties into also the second one later, but we women are cyclical.

Céline Remy 4:56
We go through different phases in life and what used to work at the beginning of the relationship may not work later on in life. And it’s just part of life. And I know sometimes you’re thinking, well set it, forget it. I know the moves, I know what to do. But that’s not how our bodies are. That’s not how we respond.

Céline Remy 5:17
And sometimes we also don’t know what we don’t know. And then things change. And then we have a desire for something else. I mean, Has it ever happened to you that there was a certain food that you did not like or want, and then you grew up, and suddenly, like, I’m gonna try this food again. And while this is delicious, I put it on everything. This happened to me with olives.

Kevin Anthony 5:44
Yeah, so it’s possible that what she wants from sex has changed over the years. And if he’s not keeping up with that, she may not be getting the sex that she wants. It’s also possible that she’s just never gotten the sex that she really wanted.

Kevin Anthony 5:58
And she was okay with it for a period of time, right? Like, I’ll go along with it, he wants sex, it’s not that great for me. But whatever, we’re married, and I just need to do my wifely duties or whatever. And then at a certain point in life, she’s just like, you know, what, screw this, why do I keep doing this?

Kevin Anthony 6:17
For him? It’s not any fun for me, and I’m just not gonna do it anymore. Right? So the reality is, is that if you are giving her the kind of sex that she really wanted, where she was, like, holy, fuck what just happened? Right? She’s gonna want it, she’s gonna want it more often, right? And that’s just a simple fact.

Kevin Anthony 6:37
And this is something that we talk about, all the time on the show, and with a lot of our clients, like, the first thing you have to look at when somebody’s not interested in having sex is what is the quality of your sex? Like? Is it something that she would want to keep returning for?

Céline Remy 6:54
And then you got to be curious and ask what’s going on. So that leads to our point number two, with pregnancy and hormonal changes after delivery, she could be suffering from postpartum depression, and she could be having her hormones all over the place.

Céline Remy 7:09
And that will absolutely affect her libido, her desire for sex, it will affect her body’s response and her lubrication. And so whether it’s pregnancy, or it’s menopause, right, I was gonna add hormonal changes of any kind, right, depending on where you are in your life, these things will suck the desires out of you, and will create,

Kevin Anthony 7:40
not in a good way, good way.

Céline Remy 7:43
And then it changes how you feel about yourself. Because a lot of your emotions are tied to your hormones, you don’t recognize yourself anymore, as a woman, you have no control over what’s going on, you feel like you’re on a roller coaster, and you don’t know how to pull yourself out of the mood, or your body now is hurting this pain, discomfort because you are not lubricating the same anymore, or there’s a thinning of the skin.

Céline Remy 8:11
And so all of these things are possible. And you have to have an understanding, is she going through something difficult like this? And then it has nothing to do with you, you know, then that can be addressed. And we can talk about this later.

Kevin Anthony 8:25
So the thing is, most people do not realize how driven by their hormones, they actually are so a perfect example is when men age right and they go through andropause, and their testosterone levels drop. Well, some men feel like ah, you know, I don’t have motivation. I can’t put on muscle anymore.

Kevin Anthony 8:46
I don’t work out the way I used to. Then they go to their doctor, and they say there’s something wrong with me. And nowadays, it’s pretty common for doctors that look at that and say, Oh, well look at your testosterone levels, we’re going to put you on hormone replacement therapy.

Kevin Anthony 9:01
And the second they get on hormone replacement therapy. They’re like, Oh, my God, my whole world has changed, right. But they had no idea how much it was the hormones that were affecting. That’s just one example. I mean, you can give a million examples of women too.

Kevin Anthony 9:16
And so the point simply is that, you know, if you’re having a lack of desire issues, that’s one thing that you do need to check because you’re probably not even aware that your hormones have shifted, and that is affecting you. So you just need to make sure you look at it’s not always the cause,

Céline Remy 9:32
but you are also in a tricky place. Because if her hormones are out of balance, and you start to approach the subject and might be tricky, you know,

Kevin Anthony 9:43
you go to her and you say, Hey, honey, I think your hormones are out of whack. Smack you upside your head. But what you could say is, is hey, you know, I mean I get it, you’re not feeling any desire and, you know, maybe we should just, you know, have some routine tests done to make sure that everything’s all good with you, you

Céline Remy 10:02
know, for sure for sure. Reason number three, is that you are experiencing constant relationship issues or unresolved issues. So constantly issues are mostly like resentment bickering, complaining, all these things.

Céline Remy 10:20
And unresolved issues might have been, there was cheating or there was abuse a long, long time ago that could have happened to her when she was a teenager. She never dealt with the pain. And now she’s in a relationship with you. She’s finally feeling safe enough that those things can come up to the surface. And well, that’s there.

Kevin Anthony 10:43
Yeah. So if there’s, if there’s past trauma that’s coming up, maybe because she feels safe to finally let the trauma out. But the other issues are potential that she doesn’t feel safe enough.

Kevin Anthony 10:53
That’s with you. I know guys are like, right now they’re shaking their heads or what the fuck first, she’s not safe enough, then she’s to say, Oh, God, what a great deal. Why can’t you know, I know, it’s totally frustrating.

Céline Remy 11:06
Don’t try to make sense of her emotionally. Up and down. No, I really don’t.

Kevin Anthony 11:12
Okay, next on the list is excessive attention to the kids, this is a huge one that we see, you know, one of our biggest complaints over the years, because we have not had kids, but a lot of our friends do have kids. And one of our biggest complaints is that you know, when some of our friends have chosen to have kids, they disappear off the face of the earth.

Kevin Anthony 11:34
Now I get it, they’re super busy, especially in the first year or so like, I totally understand, and I don’t give them a hard time for that. But what I noticed is, that a lot of couples get so preoccupied with it’s all about the kids, it’s all about the kids. So all those other parts of their life sort of disappear.

Kevin Anthony 11:57
And one of the parts that can disappear with that is the relationship and the sex. So you know, more recently, we’ve had some friends that actually do a fairly decent job of making sure that they still go do stuff, they still meet with friends, they still have a life, even though they’ve got two kids, one of which is brand new, right?

Kevin Anthony 12:19
And it’s really refreshing because I haven’t had that many friends who really did that, who really took the time to make sure like, Hey, we’re still adults, we still want to have a life, even though we love our kids. I mean, they consciously chose to have a second kid several years after the first one when they thought they were done.

Kevin Anthony 12:37
So it’s not like Oh, oops, well, whatever, they were an afterthought, like they were there was a very conscious decision. And yet, it’s also a very conscious decision to make time to spend with friends. They take downtime on their own like they do all of that. So it’s totally possible to do you just have to make it a point to do it.

Céline Remy 12:57
Yeah, you know, sometimes you just become that says, You identity. And it’s like, I’m just a mother. And that’s where she’s losing herself into. And it’s important to not lose all of that, because if she doesn’t address that, sooner or later, it will, you know, slap her in the face again.

Céline Remy 13:14
And if a woman is so focused on the kids, then by the time she hits menopause, if she had her kids early, and that’s about when they leave home to she crumbles like, she doesn’t know who she is anymore. She’s losing her identity. And it’s a big crisis. I’ve had

Kevin Anthony 13:31
a few friends go through that, where, they literally say the words that come out of their mouth is I don’t know who I am.

Céline Remy 13:39
Exactly. And so understanding if you seeing that, that is where it’s heading that all her attention on the kids, you have to you know, talk about that, again, we’ll talk about the how to use in a few minutes. Let’s continue maybe down our list, we’ve got a few more things to cover.

Céline Remy 13:59
Reason number five, why she might not be wanting you sexually is because she is just stressed out, her day is filled up, she is stressed to the max and it’s really hard to feel any desire when we are stressed. And you know that because you the same were men or women, it doesn’t matter.

Céline Remy 14:17
Some people will use sex to reduce their stress level and they’re like, Okay, I can know how to do that. But a lot of women will just be like sex becomes one more thing to do on the to-do list, and Muay Thai or just at the thought of checking it off the list. And so that place of being overly stressed is a place that most people find themselves in.

Kevin Anthony 14:38
Yeah, I think it’s a little easier for guys. I mean, we experienced this as well. When we’re older, it’s easier for that stress and busyness and tiredness to kill our desire. When we’re younger, we could be half dead, and we’re like, Let’s fuck it definitely changes as we get older but, but for women and for sure, if she’s stressed, and doesn’t really matter what age she is.

Kevin Anthony 15:05
That’s like, the thought of the desire for sex just goes right out the window. Yes. So and we’ll talk, of course, at the end of the show about what you can do about it about how because you know, sometimes you’re probably thinking, Well, talk that’s just live like that we got to do those things. So there’s, there’s no fix for that there is a fix for that.

Céline Remy 15:27
All right, so how about you take reason number six, Kevin, because I think it’s a, it’s an important one to cover.

Kevin Anthony 15:33
All right, you are not showing up as a man in the relationship? What does that mean? Of course, of course, I’m showing up as a man, I’m a man, of course, I do. But are you really so this kind of speaks to sort of the polarity issue that we talk about? You know, are you creating that polarity between her and you?

Kevin Anthony 15:56
Are you stepping up and really being the man in the relationship? Or are you always leaving? Well, well, is it okay with you? And as well, only if you really want to, and, and please, please, please beg, beg, beg, give me fantastic scrap,

Céline Remy 16:13
we haven’t had sex and free months. Think it’s time can you give me some sex tonight,

Kevin Anthony 16:18
right? So and we’re not saying to step up and demand, you know, get naked woman spread your legs now,

Céline Remy 16:27
just because you’re married or in relation to doesn’t mean that you have full access anytime, anywhere, anytime you wish. You know, I mean, it’s still not what

Kevin Anthony 16:35
we’re saying. But, you know, a man shows up to the relationship. And he says, hey, here are the needs that I have. And I would like for us to find a way for me to meet my needs. And if there isn’t a way for you to meet my needs, let’s talk about ways that I can still have my needs met.

Kevin Anthony 16:55
Right? So you got to show up as a strong man who’s like, here’s what I want, here’s what I need. And let’s figure out how to make it happen.

Céline Remy 17:03
Yeah, there’s this thing about when a man is not really showing up in his masculine, we will tend to step up and fill up that role that gap because we need direction, we need that sense of purpose. And so somebody has to do it.

Céline Remy 17:19
And we’ll step it up, we’ll do it, which is very, very draining. But then if the man comes with that, neediness underneath that cleanliness coming to us, it is the most

Kevin Anthony 17:33
attractive, attractive, sexy thing ever, ah, such

Céline Remy 17:38
a massive turnoff. And there’s also something about the energy of coming to her through that place when you’re not in your power, where if you’re not careful, you guys can revert into a mother-child relationship at home, we see this data, again, is not a situation that fosters sexual attraction and desire because she

Kevin Anthony 18:01
doesn’t want to fuck you if she has to take care of you like you’re her child. Exactly, exactly. Just that she just doesn’t. So yeah, there’s a lot of dynamics there. I mean, we’ve done whole shows on this. So there’s only so much we can cover on it right now.

Kevin Anthony 18:17
But, but yeah, if you end up in one of those dynamics, where, you know, she ends up taking the masculine role, and you end up in the feminine role, or she ends up mothering you and you end up being the child any of those sorts of unhealthy relationship dynamics. Yeah, it’s no wonder you’re not getting any sex.

Céline Remy 18:35
Hey, I’m gonna read a quote from the 40-year-old virgin, don’t put the pussy on a pedestal.

Kevin Anthony 18:43
Right, which, you know, sounds a little harsh, but what they’re really trying to convey here is, if you put them above you, and you’re down here groveling for scraps, you give away your power, right?

Céline Remy 18:58
And then you’re not showing up as the strong man that you can be.

Kevin Anthony 19:02
Yeah, and the thing is, is, you know, in today’s, in today’s modern society, if you asked women, you know, you know, what would you how would you want the dynamic to be? No, no woman’s going to say, I want him to be up here and me down here. Like, nobody’s going to say that.

Kevin Anthony 19:18
And that’s not what we’re suggesting, either. But we’re also suggesting it shouldn’t be the other way around. Women want a strong, man, they want a strong, dominant masculine man, they just do I mean, we could go on for hours on this show and give you an example, after example of all the ways that people want that if you listen to our episode with the authors of being less dickish we talked about that, right?

Kevin Anthony 19:43
Why they’re attracted to the asshole. And even the dick at times, right? So

Céline Remy 19:49
but women also want to be able to be strong, and feminine. And so this is where it’s they

Kevin Anthony 19:56
don’t see this is where it gets frustrating for men because They want a strong, dominant man. But they don’t want a dictator. No, that is correct, right? So they want a strong dominant man, but they also want to, they want to be like the queen who the king is the one up there getting Off with their heads.

Kevin Anthony 20:15
And meanwhile, she’s over there whispering in his ear, that one, that one over there? And he’s like, yes, yes, that one over there. In other words, she wants to have a say in it, she wants to know that her opinion matters.

Kevin Anthony 20:27
And that if she has a strong feeling about something he will listen to her, and that he will always take her opinion, into account. But she also wants him to step up and make some fucking decisions. Be a strong man.

Céline Remy 20:40
Yes. And so that kind of is every reason that we have about not creating the polarity, the chemistry, again, it does come down to the masculine-feminine energy. And understand too, that we have both within ourselves.

Céline Remy 20:52
And that one of the purposes of a relationship is to bring the other person’s energy into this balance, you want to have both your masculine and feminine energy well balanced within you, and your partner can help you get there. So if you show up as a really weak man, you’re not helping her either. Let’s put it this way.

Kevin Anthony 21:10
Yeah, I want to go on to the next one, which is you’re not living life with a greater purpose. You lack fire. So you know, this is another thing that is highly attractive to women. So you know, people always say, Oh, why don’t women always want to go for, you know, the CEO, wealthy guy, even though he’s, you know, five foot four, balding, big belly, and just totally unattractive in every way that you can think of.

Kevin Anthony 21:42
And yet, he’s got women mobbed all over him. The reason is that he’s doing something in life, he’s motivated, he’s successful, he’s got bigger, why, for being here, women are really attracted to guys who are just sort of going through, just going through the motions of life, right, just getting by, I’m just doing what I got to do, I just go to my job, because I need money.

Kevin Anthony 22:10
And then, you know, I just take care of the things because they have to get done. And there’s really no fire there. There’s no, like, we all know that there are things in life we have to do that we don’t want to do, right, we, you know, we maybe we have to go to the job, we have to earn the money, we have to take care of certain things.

Kevin Anthony 22:28
But somewhere in your life, there has to be that passion for something. It could be, that you have the most boring office meaningless day job that is completely unattractive to a woman. But on the weekends, maybe you race cars, and you are passionate about it, and you win, and you do well.

Kevin Anthony 22:55
And you know, like, maybe you couldn’t be a professional racecar driver, but you love what you are doing. And it brings fire and passion to you that you then of course bring to the relationship. It can show up in a ton of different ways.

Kevin Anthony 23:10
Maybe it’s you’re really passionate about, you know, playing music, and you got that boring day job that doesn’t do much for you, but it earns a decent living. But then she sees you Friday night at the local bar, rocking it and looking like a total rock star on stage. And she’s like, that’s the guy I want to fuck. Right there.

Céline Remy 23:32
Let’s talk about our last reason here. And I’m sure there are more reasons, you know, that’s not all, but it’s to kind of help you to start to have a deeper understanding about the dynamics and what goes on. But maybe she’s trying to use sex as a bargaining chip.

Céline Remy 23:48
Honestly, in my opinion, it’s the cruelest thing you can do to another human being. But it is unfortunate that many people use that. And the way that it works is that it becomes a power trip. I think ultimately you have if you are in a relationship where she uses sex as a bargaining chip, you have an unhealthy relationship.

Céline Remy 24:07
So the foundation of your relationship is not working. Maybe you never had it probably never did. Right? Habits are solid, and it just keeps getting worse and worse as time goes on. And there’s something to that. Usually when she’s holding sex back from you or holding it back.

Céline Remy 24:25
There’s this place where it helps her feel some powers maybe she gets she gets something from it, okay, maybe she gets some of your attention. Maybe there’s something in it for her. And the way you react feeds her own thing. And you have to remember that it is only fun for her to do that and kind of poke at you.

Céline Remy 24:50
If you react the way she expects you to react so means that she’s holding sex back. And then you like either begging or you’re If you’re withdrawing, and then you know, like you’d like just beating yourself up, then she gets like, all energized from that. And because you constantly react the same way you guys are stuck in this very, very unhealthy behavior and dynamics.

Céline Remy 25:15
It’s only working because you keep doing the same thing. If you stopped reacting that way, even if she tried to poke at you, and you’re like, I don’t care, you know, but like, you really don’t care. Now, you’re not just pretending, closing your eyes, and smiling and everything’s okay. When internally, you’re like boiling, and it’s going to explode, things will change.

Céline Remy 25:33
So this is just an example of a super unhealthy dynamic that a lot of people are stuck in. They don’t have good communication skills, they never took the time. And it is a little bit harder, later on, to establish that if you’ve never had that, but every relationship needs it. It is, it must, otherwise, you are just in a fucked up. Just an unhealthy relationship. That’s not worth

Kevin Anthony 25:58
it. Yeah, for any ladies who are listening, if you’re using sex as a bargaining chip, you’re just hurting yourself as well. Yeah, that’s true, too. So you know, you’re not doing yourself any favors there.

Céline Remy 26:10
Alright, we are going to move into some things to really look at it’s going to be, we’re going to hold a mirror for you here. And it comes with a warning that I’m pretty sure you’re not going to like all of the questions we are going to ask, we highly recommend you write them down or listen to that part of the show again, and take the time to do a little introspection to get some answers because it will help you.

Céline Remy 26:34
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Céline Remy 27:03
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Kevin Anthony 27:20
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Céline Remy 27:30
to Céline remy.com, forward slash products to check it out. Céline remy.com, forward slash products.

Kevin Anthony 27:37
Okay, so, as Céline mentioned, we have some questions here. And these questions can help you hone in on which one of those reasons that we gave you above is the reason it can help you understand the dynamic that’s going on, which can then help you understand what you need to do to fix it.

Kevin Anthony 27:57
And it can really shine a light on some blind spots that you may potentially have. So some of these, you’ll go Yeah, of course, and some of these, you’re gonna go, no really want to look at that. But you need to. So number one, your warning? Number one, it’s an interesting question, because we’ve posted this to a lot of people, and they always stop and go.

Kevin Anthony 28:27
So the question is, why do you want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with you? Right? So you know, when you look, he doesn’t want you? Or who doesn’t want you? Yeah, well, yeah. So it can go both ways, doesn’t want you or doesn’t want to be with you.

Kevin Anthony 28:41
So when you’re talking about being in a relationship, and when the person’s really not into the relationship, you would say, Why do you want to be with somebody that doesn’t want to be with you? In this case, we’re talking about somebody that doesn’t want to have sex with you.

Kevin Anthony 28:54
So then the question becomes, why would you want to be with somebody that’s not interested in having sexual you now, if you’re not a sexual being and sex is not an important thing to you and who you are, then it’s a moot point, right? But you would be the exception because sex is a huge part of a healthy relationship.

Kevin Anthony 29:15
For most people. For the average human being sex is an important and healthy part of their life and of their relationship. So then why would you want to be with somebody that doesn’t want to have sex with you if it’s important to you?

Céline Remy 29:32
Question number two, or actually, it’s kind of a follow-up on that question that we just asked you. Are you that insecure? Are you a guy who likes pain, punishment, and torture? Do you feel like you don’t deserve a great relationship?

Céline Remy 29:48
Because that’s what you tell yourself right? Or do you have a belief that a relationship is just full of resentment and that’s how it is because I was working with a client and he gave me this well, just relationship always compromised, and they have resentment?

Céline Remy 30:07
And I said, Wow, this is interesting because it’s it. This is not the relationship I’m in as this is not my truth, as it might be your truth. But it’s definitely not the truth, my experience,

Kevin Anthony 30:17
now would be a really good time to take a short, I promise, a little detour to talk about the whole myth about relationships that are all about compromise. Okay, we need to get this straight. I don’t know that we’ve ever talked about this specifically.

Kevin Anthony 30:32
So directly on the show, you have heard many, many times, that relationships are all about compromise. And if you want to have a healthy relationship, it is you’re just going to have to compromise and compromise and compromise and compromise some more. Okay, here’s the thing.

Kevin Anthony 30:46
This is not true. It is true on a certain level, and it’s completely false on another level. So what do I mean by that? There are little things that you compromise about, what are we having for dinner? Well, I wanted this Well, I kind of wanted that.

Kevin Anthony 31:00
Well, okay, we’ll compromise and we’ll have whatever right like small things, you compromise on all the time in relationships, little things, things that aren’t that important, right? But on the big things, the core things in a relationship, you do not compromise.

Kevin Anthony 31:19
Right? So values what is your value system, you don’t compromise one of your values that you hold dear. Because you’re in a relationship, you don’t

Céline Remy 31:28
compromise your needs, needs. Food, shelter, intimacy needs, don’t

Kevin Anthony 31:33
compromise your knees, right? So if sex is an important part of one of your human needs, this is essential for you in your life. You don’t compromise on that you don’t compromise on the core values, the things that are truly important to you in life.

Kevin Anthony 31:52
And if you have to, then you’re not in the right relationship. compromise on all the small stuff compromise on the color you paint the house, compromise on what car you buy, compromise on, where you go to dinner, great, do that shit all fucking day long.

Kevin Anthony 32:08
Do not compromise on your core values. And if your relationship is asking you to do that, you are not in the right one. Okay.

Céline Remy 32:15
All right, let’s move on to our next question. So why do you want to have her desire back? If she doesn’t want you? It’s important to understand your way to you know, like, it’s a good question.

Céline Remy 32:32
Why do you want her back if she left you to know it didn’t me still in a relationship, but like, what, what’s really underneath, because sometimes we think that what we want is sex. But what we truly want is attention or affection, connection, connection.

Céline Remy 32:51
And so you focus all your energy on I’m needing to put my penis inside her vagina needs to get laid. Well, ultimately, what you really want is loving touch attention to your penis a kiss, a hug, to be told that you’re handsome. So if you start to understand those things, too, then you can also kind of like separate some of the things.

Kevin Anthony 33:16
You know, the reality is, if all we want as guys was to feel-good sensations in our penis and have an orgasm, we can do that ourselves anytime we want. The average teenager probably does it four times a day, right? But yet, we still constantly seek out somebody else to have sex with.

Kevin Anthony 33:34
Why? Because we’re looking for more than just the genital sensations and the climax at the end. We want connection, we want human interaction. We want the energy that’s exchanged between the two of us, they make plenty of toys to simulate the feeling of having your penis in a vagina as they do, you can do that.

Kevin Anthony 34:00
There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m just saying that there’s a reason why no matter how many times guys use a flashlight, or one of these other toys. They’re still looking for a real woman.

Céline Remy 34:10
Yes. And please don’t use a woman as a flashlight. Because that’s probably why she doesn’t have the desire, it could be a nice question to ask yourself. Is the problem really her? Or is it how you’re showing?

Kevin Anthony 34:24
I need my truth bomb sound effect right now. So we need to expand on this just a hair. So in almost every situation when you’re working with a man, and he comes to you and he’s like, I don’t know what’s wrong with my wife. She never wants to have sex. Okay, right off the bat. There’s an assumption that there’s something wrong with her.

Céline Remy 34:50
Right? Yeah, but that’s not what I know. There. There

Kevin Anthony 34:53
Maybe I’m not saying that they’re not right. A certain percentage of the time. I’m simply saying that there is rarely ever a, what’s wrong with us? How am I potentially contributing to this? It’s usually what’s wrong with her? And how do we fix her? Right? I mean, I just have to be honest, that’s, that’s the way most of the guys come in, you know.

Kevin Anthony 35:20
So, you know, Slean mentioned earlier in this episode, we’re going to be holding up a mirror, and right, here’s the mirror right here is you got to look at yourself and go, where are you not showing up? Where are you not showing up as a strong man?

Kevin Anthony 35:34
Where are you not showing up as a good lover in the bedroom? Where you’re not showing up by meeting the other needs that she has first before she’s willing to fuck you?

Céline Remy 35:43
And where are you not showing up for yourself? Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 35:46
I mean, potentially, I mean, there may be the reason you’re not showing up for her is that you’re also not showing up for yourself? Oh, no, I mean, that’s huge, right? I mean, this show is full of truth bombs today.

Kevin Anthony 35:57
But the reality is right, that you can’t really show up for somebody else if you don’t really show up for yourself. Go back to, our show with the authors of being less dickish, right? I mean, this is the whole idea of the archetype of the pussy, who never shows up for himself. He’s constantly trying to show up for everybody else.

Kevin Anthony 36:20
But the reality is, is he doesn’t show up for himself, because he’s too busy trying to show up for everybody else. But because he doesn’t show up for himself, he never really shows up for them, either. He thinks he is, but they’re constantly what’s the word I’m looking for?

Kevin Anthony 36:38
Disappointed, right, because he’s not really showing up for them the way that they want him to show up. And he’s not capable of that, because he’s giving all of his power away to the other person. So.

Céline Remy 36:50
So if you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, it’s okay. You don’t have to do this alone. Kevin and I are here we can do some hand-holding, we can do some mirror holding, we can do some help, we have lots of solutions, strategies, and tips to help you, you can hire us, you can work with us, you can work with Kelvin, you can work with myself, or you can work with both of us, just you or you and your spouse, you don’t need both of you to be on board, just one person is enough.

Céline Remy 37:15
Because if you change your energy, you will change how things work and, and happen in your relationship. So just throwing this out there, because in case you’re like, oh, my gosh, I don’t even know. And I’m petrified and I don’t know where to start, we can help you.

Céline Remy 37:31
But we’re going to give you some steps right now on what you can do about it. Some of the first things because it’s important to have some ideas and to try some things.

Kevin Anthony 37:42
And on this show, we are all about solutions. We don’t want to just tell you what the problem is and say good luck. Figure it out on yourself, or we know the answers, but we’re only going to tell you if you pay $50,000 No, we’re gonna give you a list of things that you can do.

Kevin Anthony 38:02
They might be easy, and you can take them and walk away and go, Oh, great. Now I know how to fix my problem. And they might be really hard and you go I don’t know where to start with that. Maybe I should reach out to Céline and or Gavin?

Céline Remy 38:13
Yes. So number one, communicate, communicate what’s not working in creating solutions. Communication, we always say communication is lubrication. But communication is key. If you have not established that foundational piece of the communication, your relationship is at risk of crumbling and falling apart, and you both are going to be miserable.

Céline Remy 38:35
You need to be able to have enough space where you can bring up when something’s not working without the whole world falling apart. And you need to be able to brainstorm and see each other as a team and not adversaries on either side and trying to pull the rope towards you and getting all the energy on your side.

Céline Remy 38:55
Now, you are the two of you on a team and you’re working together to create this harmonious relationship. So communication is the first thing that is

Kevin Anthony 39:05
to have the foundation it is amazing to me how many relationship problems couldn’t be either fixed or completely avoided if people would just learn how to communicate. First, you have to communicate. Second, you have to learn how to do it well, like efficiently and empathetically, right. You know, like it’s a whole thing.

Kevin Anthony 39:29
And it’s something that almost everybody avoids. We fact we even have in our sexual mastery course a bit about how to handle difficult conversations. So we have a difficult conversations formula in there that helps you have those conversations because the reality is if you’re not getting the sex that you want, and she’s constantly turning you down, how do you go about that?

Kevin Anthony 39:51
How do you bring that up in a way that’s not going to make it worse, right? And there are ways to do that. So and it

Céline Remy 39:57
may not be the first thing you want to address because Maybe now that you’ve asked yourself some of the questions and you’re realizing that there are many of your needs that are not being met, that maybe you’re not setting boundaries, you’re allowing her others to walk all over you.

Céline Remy 40:10
Maybe you want to start with smaller things to start to build your confidence and be like, Okay, from now on, this is what I need, I need some downtime, or I need this and that I’m going to ask for it. And then I’m also going to put a consequence of the boundary. Yes, grass, I’m going to stick to it and build my confidence. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 40:27
so So number two is addressing the problems in your relationship. And so the thing is, the lack of sex might not be the main problem, it might be a symptom of a larger problem in the relationship. And so, you know, you might want to look for what else is not really working the way it should address that first.

Kevin Anthony 40:46
And if you address that first, then the sex might start falling more in line, or at least if it doesn’t, at least, you’ve got the other stuff out of the way first, which will make working on the sex portion much, much easier.

Céline Remy 41:01
You know, sometimes it’s funny, some people say, Well, we’re in a business relationship, it’s transaction, transaction. Transactional. I can do it. And you know, what’s funny is it just dawned on me that when you’re in a business relationship.

Céline Remy 41:14
Usually, you have very clear agreements, you have a contract, you lay out what the expectations are, what the hours are, what you know, what the pay will be, what the reward is, then if you consider your relationship, a very business-like agreement, then where are the guidelines? Where are the rules?

Kevin Anthony 41:32
You know, what I find funny about that? There’s, there’s, I mean, like, sometimes I’ve known people who’ve had relationships like that, and it was necessary for where they were at in life at that moment. Like, there were legal reasons there were just reasons why it needed to be that way for that time.

Kevin Anthony 41:47
But here’s the interesting thing that I always find is that when people are in relationships, and they’re like, this is a business transactional relationship, they still play by the rules of a love relationship. Right? Because you have different rules in a love relationship than you’re going to have in a business relationship.

Kevin Anthony 42:07
And I just think it’s funny that they, they confuse the two all the time, it’s like, if you’re gonna have a business relationship, then treat it like a business relationship and play by business rules. Right? And if it’s the other way, do it the other way. I just I find that kind of funny, like,

Kevin Anthony 42:22
Okay, what does he mean, when he says that? Well, you’re in a business transactional relationship, which means you’re really just cohabitating or you’re co-parenting, or whatever

Céline Remy 42:32
it was, was a good financial agreement. Like, yeah, the thing that works for both of you, you could buy the house that you wanted, you could get the boat the car, you could like, you know,

Kevin Anthony 42:42
right, right. So so by that means the business rules would be okay. You know, here’s how much you own of this. Here’s how much I own of that. Here’s how much you use, you get, here’s how you get to use it, here’s like, boom, but then what did they always do?

Kevin Anthony 42:55
Then they complicate it by bringing the sex piece in, or the love piece in, or the relationship piece in. Right? So it’s like, well, technically, it’s a business relationship. And really, it’s just about our business, our house or our kids or our company. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Kevin Anthony 43:10
But you still can’t have sex with anybody else. It’s like, wait a minute, those are love relationship rules right now business relationship, some

Céline Remy 43:20
love and relationship rule to me, not

Kevin Anthony 43:22
even everybody but you know, the point is, is that if you’re going to treat it as a business transaction, then set appropriate business rules.

Céline Remy 43:34
Alright, let’s talk about systems, create systems to make things like house chores, and kids’ work easier for you both remember, we talked about one of the reasons could be to being so stressed out. Now, it’s not going to help to say Oh, you’re so stressed. Yeah, maybe she might need a foot rub.

Céline Remy 43:51
But it’s usually not just that, like having somebody else to carry the weight of everything off the shoulders and stuff or having systems like systematizing How can I get the maximum results with the least amount

Kevin Anthony 44:06
of effort if your problem is she’s giving away too much attention to the kids, get a nanny, even if it’s part-time, just get a babysitter in list your parents, you know, the family to come in and help out a little bit more on a regular basis, not just that every once in a while.

Kevin Anthony 44:23
If the problem is she’s too busy because there’s a ton of cleaning that has to happen in the house, get somebody to come and clean the house. Now, I know some of you are saying yeah, that sounds great. But I can’t afford a nanny or I can’t afford you know, a house cleaner. They’re just examples, find other solutions.

Céline Remy 44:40
You know, I’m done. Our parents and then take turns having the kids are just like

Kevin Anthony 44:47
people don’t realize how much time they waste on any given day by not doing things efficiently. Yes. So you know, it could be as simple as Okay, here’s the list of tasks that have to happen around the house.

Kevin Anthony 45:00
Let’s see if we can figure out a schedule and assign things to certain people that can make this get done a whole lot faster and easier. So rather than just running around the house, haphazardly, oh, this needs to be cleaned over here. Oh, this needs to happen over here. Oh, oh, I forgot about this thing over here.

Kevin Anthony 45:15
And you’re constantly chasing the squirrel that’s running all over the place. You systematize it and you say, Okay, on Monday, this, and this gets done by this person on Tuesday, this, like, I know, it sounds Oh, I gotta create schedules. Yes, yes. Because it will help your life and make it easier.

Kevin Anthony 45:36
Calendars, calendars, use the technology you have available to you put things in calendars, create schedules so that it makes everything easy for people new, it’s, you will save hours a week, literally, if you systematize things,

Céline Remy 45:54
get one of that self vacuum, you know, things. I mean, one of those

Kevin Anthony 45:59
robot vacuum, if the floors are dirty all the time, I mean, seriously, like pretty

Céline Remy 46:04
easy to find solutions, lower your standards a little bit if need be, you know, I mean, come on

Kevin Anthony 46:09
smaller house, if you can, maybe you got too many kids, and you need a big point is there are almost always small solutions that can help. I’m not saying it’s going to solve all your problems, right? Because it won’t.

Kevin Anthony 46:22
But it will take little bits of that stress away, it will make things just a little bit easier every time you implement one of these things. And if you implement enough of them, overall, they make a big impact.

Céline Remy 46:35
Let’s talk about the next thing here, step up and be the best man you can bet that that’s the hardest one because that really would be a whole show. And we’ve done some shows on becoming the man you want to be.

Kevin Anthony 46:51
Yeah, we did one with

Céline Remy 46:54
Sanjeev something, I don’t know. I have to

Kevin Anthony 46:57
man, I don’t remember his name. But it was so good. We thought it was a super powerful show, you know, we will link it in there. Because it was a great show. I don’t think it got as many downloads as it really should have.

Kevin Anthony 47:11
But listening to his story about his grandparents and his father and himself. And like the main It was super inspiring about really stepping up and being a strong man, you know, I mean, anybody can do it. You don’t have to be physically big.

Kevin Anthony 47:27
You don’t have to have money. You don’t have to be good-looking enough to be a rock star, anything like that, like literally, anybody can do it. And you will see you I guarantee you you will see your relationships will absolutely transform. If you are really showing up as the best version of yourself that you can be that is so you just will

Céline Remy 47:51
so true. To become the man, you want to be episode 147. So if you haven’t Yes, and it’s

Kevin Anthony 48:02
See, that’s funny. I was gonna say Bridgette, but then I thought that was the other guy that communication guy.

Céline Remy 48:08
Oh, yeah, yeah, well, anyway, don’t confuse people, Episode 147 How to become the man you want to be. Because we don’t have time right now to go through this and give you all of these steps. The next step is to get in shape.

Céline Remy 48:21
If you know, if you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see, chances are, she might feel the same way. And just really work on that. Because you got to be able to come to a place where you feel an acceptance with how you are and how you look,

Kevin Anthony 48:37
you know this is an interesting thing because you don’t have to be necessarily super fit for your partner to be attracted to you. And your partner might still love you and be as attracted to you as you are. But if you suddenly start getting really fit, you kind of see like, Alright, so we’re gonna tell a personal story here, right?

Kevin Anthony 48:57
Because, you know, I’ve always been fit and you know, pretty much my whole adult life. You know, a few years at the end of high school and beginning of college, were partying a little too much. But other than that, I’ve always been fit. I’ve been lean and athletic.

Kevin Anthony 49:14
I’ve been mountain biking, rock climbing martial artists, you know, hiking, camping, all that kind of stuff. But there was like, you know, a couple of years where you and I were just indulging a bit too much in your amazing chef skills and you know, Annie King, right?

Kevin Anthony 49:32
And just being so busy with work that we weren’t making as much time to get out on a regular basis and do that stuff. And we noticed that we were putting on a little way then the interesting thing is, is we were still totally attracted to each other.

Kevin Anthony 49:44
None neither of us were like, and we were talking just like a couple of pounds, but for us, we’re looking in the mirror going whoa, you know, but here’s the thing. When I finally was like, Okay, I need to do something about this and I started training a lot harder in the gym again, like I used to do when I was younger, I started getting out of my mountain bike a whole lot more.

Kevin Anthony 50:07
And I just started really getting back into great shape again. Celine is looking at me like a starving lion. Like, I catch her sometimes, you know, like, if I know my shirt on or whatever, she just looks at me like she wants to just rip me apart. Yeah. And I’m like, yes, yes. That is the way you should look at me. Every time you look at me, you should be like, Oh, yeah.

Céline Remy 50:33
Touch us, I want a piece of that.

Kevin Anthony 50:35
So the point is, is that even if they’re, not attracted to you, if you get in better shape, they’re going to be even more attracted to you, and it will inspire them more.

Céline Remy 50:48
Yes, let’s talk about are you having

Kevin Anthony 50:50
a vision? They’re

Céline Remy 50:53
like, Do I really have to finish this show? Like close, my eyes imagine or maybe even touch, like, have real-life there,

Kevin Anthony 51:00
go for it, I’ll finish it.

Céline Remy 51:04
Okay, here’s another thing you can do find a bigger why for life and for your relationship. Understand, too that in life, sometimes there are different faces, maybe you brought children together. And that was the why for a while.

Céline Remy 51:17
And now that they no longer need you are older things could be different. Maybe you Why was for something specific, emotional support for financial support, things have shifted. These are not like big enough.

Céline Remy 51:31
And so find sometimes something deeper, bigger, because when things are hard, when there are obstacles, life is not always easy. And sometimes it throws curveballs at you, those things. But this is what keeps you going, you know, like it was just like, oh, yeah, we just do it together.

Céline Remy 51:49
Because we like to bone. But really, it’s not going to keep you going when things are hard.

Kevin Anthony 51:55
Yeah. And so you know, there’s two things here. One is to have a bigger y for life in general. And this goes back to women being attracted to men who have a purpose who are driven, and who are trying to create something bigger than just themselves in the world.

Kevin Anthony 52:09
The second part is to have a bigger why for your relationship? Why are you actually together? Yes. You know, and like, we borrowed this from some friends of ours that we’ve known for a very long time, but we just thought it was great.

Kevin Anthony 52:24
And so we’re like, Yeah, this is a great idea, which is, you know, we always said that you know, we would stay together as long as the relationship did more good in the world than not, right.

Kevin Anthony 52:35
So if you realize you’re in a relationship, and it’s literally just, it’s not serving you or the world any more than it’s not, it’s not good to be in but if you have a bigger why and that why is this relationship is literally not just good for us, but good for the world. I mean, you’re on fire, you are on fire.

Céline Remy 52:56
I’m going to go and give you the last free points that we have as kind of like the last tidbits here are things to do, because they kind of easier here, number. The first is to bring back the fun, because you know, doing some fun things, some new things, it doesn’t have to be in the bedroom.

Céline Remy 53:15
But just having that fun, that creativity, that energy back into your life will go a long way. When you want to stop focusing on the lack and focus on the appreciation. If you’re in this place, and you’re constantly thinking about the fact that you’re not getting the sex you want and need, you are putting all of your attention on the things you don’t want and you don’t have.

Céline Remy 53:36
And you want to start to make a switch and start to focus on some of the things that you have. And you want to start to bring into the relationship more appreciation than resentment because it will shift the balance and the quality of the relationship.

Céline Remy 53:51
And last but not least, give her the kind of thinks she wants. Find out what she wants. Educate yourself. Join sexual mastery, work with us, whatever. Read a book, talk to people who do it well not, you know. get at it. Try to have fun. Again, font is the keyword.

Kevin Anthony 54:15
Absolutely bring back the fun focus on what you want to create not on the lack and absolutely give her the kind of sex she wants. If you give her the sex that she wants, she’s gonna keep coming back for more.

Céline Remy 54:28
Yeah, I can’t afford it to finish with a saying and some ideas that people kind of say and there is some truth to it again, it’s not everybody is like a generality for everyone.

Céline Remy 54:41
But in general, men need to have sex to feel loved. And women need to feel love to have sex. And so you gotta figure out a way for her to feel love her way the way to her proceeds through her heart. It really is

Kevin Anthony 54:58
in the way to a man’s penis is through his penis. Well, you know, basically, the way to the way to a woman’s vagina is through her heart. And this isn’t 100% True, but often the way to a man’s heart is through his penis, it’s just reversed.

Céline Remy 55:20
It is it is. But if you understand the pathways and activate that then they can work. So we hope today’s show was inspiring and hopefully gave you some tools and insights on what’s going on, what are some of the first steps you can do?

Céline Remy 55:38
Because it’s absolutely, you can shift things around it just you’re stuck in a bad dynamic. And here’s the thing, which is what I always tell my clients just become the man you want to be. There are two ways this can go. She’s either going to be like, Wow, that’s amazing and shift and your relationship will soar to new heights.

Céline Remy 56:00
Or it will finally be the thing that breaks it, where you both decide to separate your go different ways. But then you are the man you want to be so that your next relationship starts from a great place. And you’re not just going to repeat the same mistakes over and over.

Kevin Anthony 56:20
All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 56:38
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. Thanks for listening. And remember you’re amazing