Busting Bad Sex Love and Relationship Advice

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 264. And it is titled Busting Bad Sex, Love and Relationship Advice. So, last week, I did an episode on busting sex myths. And that was kind of part two, if you will, to an episode that Selena and I did a few years back about busting myths. And so in that one, I went back to that original episode and looked at what myths we had busted and then went out and looked for some other myths. But myths are a little bit different than bad advice. Myths, as you I’m sure understand, you know, there are these like misconceptions that get passed on over the years and years and years that then become these sort of myths. But what I’m going to talk about today is advice, advice that you might get from friends, advice that you might get from family advice that you might even get from coaches, professionals, therapists, that really is just bad advice. Some of this bad advice are things that I have heard clients tell me that they were told, and then some of it, I found out on the internet. And so it’s kind of be a mix of that they’re not in any particular order. They are just bad pieces of advice. And then of course, obviously I’m not going to just point out the bad advice, I’m going to tell you what the good advice is to counter that bad advice. Now, of course, when we’re talking about advice, these are my opinions on what is good advice versus bad advice. So you can take it or leave it that is up to you. But obviously, any advice I give, I believe to be to the best of my knowledge and ability, the best advice that I can give you on this particular topic. And I do admit I’ve been doing this work for a while, so I have some pretty decent insight into it. But if you disagree with anything I say share it in the comments. I’d love to hear your opinions on these things.

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Okay, so I have a list of 17 pieces of bad sex, love, and relationship advice. And we’re just going to dive in and take them one at a time. Okay, number one, don’t have sex on the first date. You have to wait X number of dates, weeks months. This is one that you hear all the time. You will often hear women telling other women this oh you can’t have sex with him on the first date. You’ve got to wait X number of dates before you do that right. Now I understand where this comes from. All, this comes from a fear that men only want sex. And that once they get sex, they won’t want anything else. And they won’t call you back, and they won’t want to go on another date with you, or they won’t want to date you consistently or anything like that. So I understand that that’s where this comes from. However, it’s never just as simple as Oh, well, you just can’t do it on the first date, you need to wait. What it really comes down to is your ability to assess an individual and decide whether or not this is a person that is worthy of having sex with on the first date.

So like the perfect example, you know, before Céline, and I went on our very first date ever, we had a conversation, and we decided that sex was off the table, we literally had that conversation before we even went on the date where we said, hey, you know what, let’s just take sex off the table. So there’s no pressure, let’s just have a date, or there’s going to be no sex. And so I went into that date, assuming that there was going to be no sex. Somewhere around halfway through the date, I remember, suddenly, he looks at me. And she says, she looked me right in the eye. And she says, Can I change my mind? And I said, Absolutely, you can. And so we did end up having sex on that first date, which then resulted in an amazing relationship and marriage, and really the best, the best seven years of my life. So you know, some people may say, well, that’s just you guys, because you’re really compatible, this, that, or the other thing? No, that can be the case for anybody. The thing is, you have to be able to make good judgments. And that’s really what it’s all about. So when you are getting to know somebody on that first date, you have to make an assessment is this somebody that’s trustworthy? Is this somebody that you can tell, will not just want, you know, to add you as another notch in their bed, post, and move on?

And I understand that’s not always the easiest thing to assess. And I would say that if you’re unsure, then wait. Wait until you feel sure. But don’t wait until it’s been three days, it’s been five days, it’s been one month, it’s been whatever, wait until you feel confident that this is the right thing for both of you to do. And that that goes for men to, you know, we have this idea that you know, men don’t care, they’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyhow, there’s a little bit of truth to that, for sure, especially with younger men. But the older we get as men, the less true that is. And so for any of the guys out there, too, don’t feel pressured, like you have to have sex on that first date. If you don’t feel comfortable, yet, you want to get to know her more, maybe you’re a little bit concerned about your performance, maybe achieving an erection or lasting long enough, you don’t have to have sex on that first date. Wait till you get to know her a little bit, but then have that discussion. Because if things are really moving in that direction, quick and you’re making excuses, she’s going to start wondering what’s going on here, she might think you’re not interested, she might think there’s something else wrong. Just be upfront and honest with her and say, Hey, I’m a little nervous about this, I want to take some time to get to know you first. And then we’ll have sex. A little bit of communication goes a long way. So that’s the first one busting, don’t have sex on the first date. Yes, you can. If it is, you need to assess whether or not that’s right. And if you’re unsure, just wait.

Okay. Number two, don’t show that you are too interested in him or her. This is another one you hear all the time. Don’t make it look like you’re too interested. What is if you’re interested, just tell them that you’re interested, show them. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. I know the fear is oh, they’re going to take advantage of you. What if they don’t like you as much? So just be open and honest about where you’re at and whether or not you’re actually interested in somebody, tell them how you actually feel. And you know, you’ll start to figure out pretty quickly if the other person feels the same way. So the thing is, if you don’t say anything, right, and they don’t say anything, then neither of you really has any idea what’s going on with the other person or where they stand or where you stand in that relationship. So it’s always best to just say, hey, you know, here’s how I feel. And I know it’s tricky, and it’s challenging because nobody wants to get hurt. Nobody wants to bare their soul and say, you know, I’m really into you and I’m really liking the way this is going, and then have the other person on the other end say, you know, just not working for me. Sorry, like, nobody wants that. But wouldn’t you rather that happen right in the beginning, then weeks, months, whatever down the road, right? So again, just show that you are indeed interested. And yeah, communicating where you’re really at it will make things. So, so much easier for both of you.

And the next one is very next two are very similar to that. So the next one is, you have to wait X number of days in between calls or texts. And there are so many variations of this one, by the way, like, you can’t text until it’s been X number of days, or you can only text this number of times. I would put this advice under the category of playing games. Don’t play games. That is the simplest, most direct advice I can give you don’t play games. Nobody likes to be played. Nobody does. And I can’t tell you how many times I have sat on the other end, listening to either friends or clients say things like, I don’t know, you know, he seemed like he was really into me. But now I haven’t heard from him in three days. And I don’t really know what that means. And maybe he wasn’t as interested as I thought or, half the time, it turns out that they’re just following some stupid advice like this. And they’re like, I really want to texture but if I do that, then I’m going to seem like I’m too interested. And I’m supposed to wait three days, and bla bla bla, bla bla bullshit.

Don’t play games. You know, games are for kids. Not for adults who are dating, you will often see these games, of course, in young people dating However, you still see those games showing up in older people. You know, these are people that are they’ve been married, they’ve been divorced, they’ve had kids, whatever, they’re in their 40s. Now 50s, and they’re still playing these games still. Just don’t do it. Don’t wait X number of days between calls or texts. Now, does that mean that you should be sending a gazillion texts to them and flooding their text messages? No. Just text whatever is appropriate. So if somebody texts you and asks you a question or something requires a response, just respond in a timely manner, like you would any other text. If you happen to just be thinking about them or something reminds you of them and you want to send them a quick message to say, Hey, I was just thinking about you, I saw this thing it reminded me of our date, just wanted to say hi and that I was thinking about you just do it. But just find what is ever the natural rhythm or flow. And also just ask, ask your partner. What kind of frequency with messaging Do they like? Some people want regular messages to know that you’re thinking about them. And other people are like, whoa, okay, that’s a little much for me, right? Ask them. What did they like? Is it okay if I just send you a message whenever I’m thinking about you? Or would you prefer that I only send messages, you know, a couple of times a week, whatever it is, but don’t fall into the I gotta wait X number of days, I can’t call yet because it’s been too soon, I’m gonna look like I’m too interested. Now, just drop all of that. No games, and just be yourself.

Number four is very similar to that play hard to get you should play hard to get. This is one you see. I mean, you’ll see both men and women do it. But I think maybe you see women do it a little bit more, which is that I’m gonna play hard to get I want him to chase me. A little bit of that is okay. The little bit of that sort of chasing dynamic is okay. And I’ve heard from a lot of women and Céline used to say this too. She used to say all the time, she’s like, I want to be chaste. Okay, totally get it. You don’t necessarily have to play hard to get in order for them to chase you though. So that’s another interesting and valid point. And if you’re gonna play chess, just do a little bit like just enough to t so that they understand that you’re playing hard to get as opposed to thinking that you’re really not interested. Right, because that’s generally when they say play hard to get that’s, that’s what they want you to do. They want you to pretend that you’re not that interested. And you know that you could kind of take it or leave it and you want them to come and really like what you want. You know, I do not agree with that at all. If you want to do a little bit Have playful, you know, hard to get just to create a little bit of that, you know, dynamic of chasing that many women like, great, that’s fine. But guys will do this to guys who will play hard to get in the way, the way that they do it is actually like the next one that’s on the list, which is to act like you don’t care.

You’ll see guys doing this a lot. They pretend like they’re the stoic tough guy who really doesn’t care. I don’t care. Yeah, if you want to go on a date, fine. You know, like, no, again, these are games. This is bullshit. Don’t do that. Just be genuine, be yourself. You don’t need to play hard to get and you don’t need to act like you don’t care. Interestingly enough, and I know we see this in a lot of movies and TV shows, you know, sort of the bad boy, bad boy who doesn’t give a shit, right? And all of a sudden, all the women are attracted to him and want him. And I know, probably somebody will watch this video. Who’s more in like the pickup artist school will who who will argue with me about how great this tactic works, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it’s a tactic if all you’re trying to do is pick somebody up. But if you’re trying to actually find somebody to have a real relationship with, it’s bullshit, it just is. And you know, it’s something that you see in movies and TV shows, but it doesn’t accurately reflect real life. So, you know, acting like you don’t care is just nonsense. If you care show that you care. The reality is, is every woman wants you to care. She literally wants you to care. Even if she may be attracted to the bad boy who doesn’t care. Ultimately, she wants a man who cares. So you starting out a relationship by acting like you don’t care is not a good way to start out a relationship.

Okay, so yeah, I would put all of those that don’t show that you are too interested, you have to wait X number of days between calls or texts playing hard to get and acting like you don’t care, I would put all of those in the playing games category. Don’t do it. Don’t play games with your relationship. There are few things in life that are as important and serious as having a good quality relationship. And you don’t want to play games with things that are important. All right, next one on the list. Let them make the first move. This is an interesting one. You will often see this a little bit more with women who want to let the man make the first move. And I get it I understand why they want that. Most women, although it doesn’t seem like it in society today. Most women do want a Confident, Assertive man who takes charge. That’s just the truth. I’m giving myself a truth bomb for that one. And so the waiting for them to make the first move is often women waiting to see, Is he confident enough? Is he strong enough? Does he want me enough? Is he going to step up and make that move? So I understand that. And it’s not necessarily terrible advice. The problem, however, is this. Sometimes, if you wait for a man to make the first move, or even if you wait for the woman, if you’re the man, or maybe you’re in a same-sex couple, and there’s a bit less of that dynamic in there. If you’re waiting for somebody to make the first move, and they don’t, then nothing ever happens.

That’s the problem with that strategy, you might be waiting a really long time, and you might miss the opportunity altogether. So, you know, again, with this one, you know, if you’re in a more traditionally masculine, feminine dynamic, and you’re the woman and you really want a man who is going to have confidence and step up and make the first move, then Okay, wait a little bit. But if you’re really interested in this person, and they’re not making the first move, I would suggest either strongly hinting that you want them to make the first move, or you’re just gonna have to make the move for yourself. Now, keep in mind that in today’s society, there’s so much pressure on men with the whole me too movement and the whole toxic masculinity thing. There is a ton of pressure on men not to be aggressive or even masculine at all. And so there are a lot of men who would normally make the first move who now are afraid to make the first move because they don’t want to be accused of you know, being toxic masculine or misogynist or whatever other you know labels they get give even just for being a normal man. So that’s why I say, given the current climate that we’re in, if he’s not making the first move, you may have to make it yourself. Now, I will also say that a confident man is not going to give a shit what society says. And he’s going to go out. And he’s going to do what it is he wants to do if it feels right for him in that moment, and of course, right for her.

So it is potentially a sign of a weaker man if he’s not stepping up because he’s afraid. However, it is a significant amount of pressure these days in society, it’s not, it’s not insignificant, where you should blow it off. So there could be a lot of good men who normally would be, you know, the confident, strong men, but in this situation are a bit apprehensive. So it’s worth giving them a shot, if you’re really interested in them, I would simply say, just pay good attention. And see if this pattern shows up in other areas of his life and the relationship. Because really, if what you’re looking for is a strong, confident man who takes charge, and he doesn’t, you have to be the one to make the first move. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not a strong, confident man. But it just means you want to pay a little bit more attention to make sure that, you know, he really does step up in the areas where you want and need him to. So that is busting letting them make the first move. Just remember, if you’re both sitting there waiting for the other one to make the first move, and nobody does, then nothing happens.

All right. All this next one. This next one is one, I have spent a ridiculous amount of time coaching people on man, I probably should have put this at the beginning of the list. It’s something that I’m really passionate about. And it’s something that Céline and I were really passionate about two because she spent a ridiculous amount of time coaching people on this one. All right. It is chemistry means that you are compatible. All right, we have science to back this one up here. So when you first meet somebody, and you feel that spark, that energy that people call chemistry, they often mistake that for thinking that this person is the right person for them, and this person is compatible. So I’m sure you have heard of the honeymoon phase, right? Which, you know, people say lasts anywhere from a year to a year and a half to somewhere, sometimes upwards of two years. What is that honeymoon period? What are we really talking about here? Well, what we’re talking about is a period of time in the beginning of a relationship where nature plays its little trick, and produces all these feel-good hormones when we’re around the other person. It’s a way of helping procreation happen. However, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are compatible long-term partners. And that’s where people get confused. They feel that right, or maybe they don’t feel that, and they think this is either the right person or this is the wrong person.

So I’ve seen this played out many, many times, where a woman goes, you know, I just don’t really feel that chemistry with him. He’s not the right one. And they end up passing on somebody who’s really an amazing person. And the problem is, they don’t give any time for that chemistry to develop, which it can be vice versa, you will often see a lot of people say, Oh my god, I just feel this amazing chemistry, like this is the one finally this is the one and then you watch them date for months or years. And it’s a disaster. It’s a train wreck. Because chemistry doesn’t necessarily tell you if this is the right person or not the right person. So you can’t rely on that chemistry in the beginning to make a good decision about whether this is the right person. Is this not the right person? Are we compatible long-term or not? So don’t get fooled by the chemistry. You’ve got to look for other things. Chemistry can be a good sign can be doesn’t necessarily mean that it is and you got to look for other things. You’ve got to get to know the person find out who they really are find out the things that they like, you know, find out their positions on things that are really important to you. Their religious views, political views, and just life views in general. What do they want out of life? Where is their life path is going?

Find out all of those things and find out if they’re compatible with you and what you want and how you feel about these subjects in the world. And also pay attention to, is there good sexual chemistry. When you get together sexually, like, does it flow? Does it work? Does it feel good? Do you both feel happy and satisfied with it, the way you communicate is it feels easy or not easy, right? Like, look for all of these other things, because eventually the chemistry will die down. Now, it doesn’t mean it goes away. That’s another myth, I should have put that maybe it was one of the myths and one of the two episodes about the fact that you know, once the honeymoon period is over, it’s everything’s just blah, and whatever. And now you’re committed, so you got to stay in. It doesn’t have to, but it will change doesn’t mean it goes away. It just means it will change. It’ll be different over time. And in some ways, maybe it doesn’t feel as intense with the chemistry part. But in other ways, you will feel a depth of connection and love, that’s not there in the beginning that you’ve built over time. And that is really the good stuff.

So you want to look for all of those things and not pay quite so close attention to chemistry. All right. One more before we take a break for the sponsor. And this is another great one, you can change him or her. Well, you know, he meets most of my needs, but there’s just one thing that’s really a problem that’s really not working for me. But don’t worry, I’ll change him to give him enough time, I can whip him into shape. You hear this a lot, you will often hear women saying this a little bit more I can change him. It’s not something you hear guys saying as frequently, although it does happen, for sure. Often, you’ll hear this, you know, there’ll be some big thing like, you know, women will date a guy who just can’t commit. Like he just has a history, a long history of moving from relationship to relationship and never really fully committing and then go oh, well, you know, this relationship is different. I’ll get him to commit, I can change him. And then eight years down the road where they’re still dating and boyfriend and girlfriend and haven’t moved in yet, or you know, haven’t decided or even talked about potentially being engaged or marriage or anything like that, they start getting real frustrated, and they can’t seem to understand why he just can’t commit. Well, you knew that from day one, and you thought you could change him, but you couldn’t.

So my advice when it comes to that is you have to accept people for who they are and how they show up right now in the present moment. And if who that person is, and how they operate, and how they show up and the relationship is acceptable to you, great, then there’s potential there. And if it gets better, or it changes a little bit over time, and the commitment gets deeper, or whatever that thing is great. But if it doesn’t, you’re also okay with where it’s at now. And that’s really the key. Because if where it’s at now isn’t okay with you, there is no guarantee absolutely no guarantee that it is going to get any better at any point in the future. So this idea that well, it’s not really where I want it to be, but I can change him or I can change her. Nope, nope, you have to assume that you can’t. And you just have to accept them for who they are and where they’re at. And if over time, they evolve in ways that make it even better. Great. And if they don’t, at least you are already happy with who they are. All right. Well, that is the first eight pieces of bad sex, love, and relationship advice.

And I’ve got more for you but first a short break from the sponsor. Hey guys, do you know what makes a man great you know, the kind of masculine man that women are irresistibly attracted to? Is it money,  job title, physical body, being great in bed, a big penis, or great pickup lines? What if you don’t have those or you only have some of them? What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships are embarrassed by your bedroom skills, doubt whether you can rise to the occasion, worry about lasting long enough or are always stuck in the friend zone? Then I can help you. If you are ready to make big changes and finally become the man you have always wanted to be then this is the program for you go to KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior. That is KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior which is a link to my Men’s coaching program we will work on all things sex, love, and relationship. Whatever it is that you are needing. Sometimes men need more coaching in how to be a stronger man and how to show up better for the women in their lives. Sometimes they need help with their physical performance in the bedroom, getting erections, maintaining them, lasting long enough, you know, improving their sex skills so that they can really fuck their women into oblivion and just blow their minds with the sexual connection. Sometimes they just need to learn how to communicate in their relationships or learn the subtle things about building intimacy. There is so so much that we can work on here. And if you’re needing help and support in any of those areas, and many more that I haven’t mentioned, then please go to KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior.

All right, I’ve got a bunch more pieces of bad sex, love, and relationship advice that we are going to bust right now. All right, next one. Having a child a threesome, or getting married will fix your broken relationship. Oh, man, ah, you know that there are a few that I put on this list that are really big pet peeves of mine. And this is another one of them. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen this. A relationship isn’t really working all that well. And maybe the sex and the relationship aren’t that great. Somebody’s feeling that their needs aren’t being met. And they go. I know what I’ll fix it. Let’s bring in a third person. You’ve heard me talk on this show. And on my youtube videos many times about the challenges of threesomes, foursomes some sex parties, whatever. They generally introduce more challenges. So if you’re already in a situation that’s challenging, do you really think that’s going to help? If you’re having trouble connecting sexually with your partner? Do you think bringing in a third partner is going to help? And now your partner is going to be like, Oh, wow, we’re a better sexual match. Or this is working better for me than what’s going on here. And then jealousy creeps in and just it can be a complete disaster.

As you know, I am not against threesomes, foursomes, or whatever configurations you want to do, I’ve certainly had my share of all of them. But you have to enter into them. In a relationship that is solid, that is stable, that is working, where both people in the relationship know that no matter what happens in this encounter, the relationship will be solid. It’s not something that you should ever do. Because your relationship isn’t working, and you’re trying to figure out a way to make it work. The same thing goes for having a child. Wow, this one really blows my mind. Like, I can almost understand why people think a threesome might fix things in the bedroom almost. But having been there and understanding the realities versus the fantasy of it. Obviously, I understand that it doesn’t, or most likely won’t. But having a child, which just blows my mind. Because if you’ve had children, or if you’ve ever helped raise children, or if you’ve simply observed the people in your life who do have children, you will know that having a child will press every button in your relationship that you’ve got, it will stress you to the max, it will absolutely stretch you as far as it can until you break or right before you break. It is one of the most difficult things that you can do in life. How in the world do you think adding more difficulty and stress is going to fix your relationship?

It’s not it’s only going to make it worse. And not only is it going to harm the relationship, but now you’re introducing a child into it who’s most likely going to be in a less-than-healthy relationship environment. So you know, you’re creating all kinds of potential scarring and patterns that this poor child will likely repeat throughout the rest of their life as well. So, having a child is not the way to fix a relationship. If you choose to have children, that’s wonderful, great. But do it, of course, because you both want to do it and do it because your relationship is in a healthy place. And it’s something that you want to do. It’s, it’s a challenge that you want to take on together, and it should bring you closer together. Now, of course, there are always going to be moments where you disagree on a parenting issue or whatever. But in general, it should bring you closer together rather than further apart. So, yeah, don’t think that having a child is going to fix a relationship that’s not working well, neither is a threesome, and neither is getting married. That’s another thing too, people think, Oh, well, you know, once we get married, that everything will be better, there’ll be less stress, less pressure, but that’s not necessarily the case, either.

So I do not in any way recommend doing any of those things, if your relationship is not functioning, what I suggest is you do the work that you need to do to fix your relationship first. And then if you want to do those other things, go for it. So you know, read the books, you got to read, take the classes, you got to take, hire the coaches, you got to cut, you got to hire whatever it takes, fix the relationship first. And if it’s not capable of being fixed, then you certainly don’t want to do any of those other things with it. And you should probably look at moving on and finding a relationship that does work for you. Whew, man, that was such a big pet peeve of mine. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen clients and friends make one of these moves, thinking that this is going to fix everything. And it’s just a train wreck every time.

All right, oh, next one on the list. Yeah, this one is it’s less of a pet peeve of mine. Yet, it is still something that annoys me to no end. And that is the kids should always come first. This is another bad piece of relationship advice. You will you’ll hear people talk about this. You know, and I’ve literally heard women give this advice to other women, where they’re like, well, your kids have to always come first. And you know, put your relationship on hold to take care of the kids and blah, blah, blah. Here’s the problem with that. If you’re not putting time and effort into your relationship, your relationship is not going to survive, and it’s not going to be successful. So you are literally sacrificing your relationship for your kids. Now some people may say, Well, that’s an acceptable sacrifice, because my kids are important. But is it really? And are you doing yourself and or your kids a disservice? I believe that you are see, to really raise kids properly. You need to parents you do you need a feminine parent and a masculine parent, you need to have both. And kids need to experience both. And I mean, one of the biggest problems we see with you know, and there’s a ton of stats to back this up. But in fatherless homes, the kids absolutely get in trouble with the law way more often. And there are tons of official government statistics, although you know, government, but there’s tons of research on this to show that when kids grow up in single-parent homes, that they are far more dysfunctional than when they grow up with two parents and healthy relationship, obviously, to parent relationship can still be dysfunctional and cause problems. But the chance of it being better for the child is a whole lot better.

What you need to do in your relationship, because your kids are important, there’s nothing wrong with that. But you need to find a balance. Because your relationship is equally important. It’s important for you, it’s important for your partner. And it’s important for your kids to have healthy examples of a highly functioning relationship. So they don’t repeat all of your effed-up patterns that you did in your relationship. And it’s important for them to have both parents in that family unit to raise them. It is and the data does not lie on this. I know everybody thinks these days you don’t need to parents or you know you don’t need a man or you don’t need a woman or whatever it is none of that is true. The data is unbelievably clear about how important it is to have two parents a masculine and a feminine parent in a relationship, raising kids in a functioning relationship that has a and hopefully a highly functioning one so so don’t sacrifice your relationship at the altar of your children.

Find a balance in there where you can give to your relationship and you can give to your children. That is going to be the best outcome for you, for your partner, for your kids. And for the relationship? Man, I do not see that one in a healthy balance very often these days. I really don’t. We used to do a lot more in the older days, there wasn’t so much focus on the kids. I mean, there’s always a focus on the kids because you have to. But you know, I mean, me growing up in the 70s and into the 80s. I mean, yeah, my parents focused on us as kids and most parents did at that time. But the world did not revolve around us as kids like it does today, right? You know, they were a little bit more of the children should be seen and not heard. Philosophy, which I’m not necessarily saying is the right thing to do. I’m just saying you need to find a balance. That’s all.

All right. Next, each partner should do an equal share of everything, oh, this whole idea of equality in the relationship. You see this one a lot these days, you see it everywhere, not just in relationships, but you see it in politics and social programs, and all this kind of stuff. Our goal should never be to make everything 100% equal. Our goal, at least outside of a relationship should be to create equal opportunity. Everybody has the same opportunity. And then it’s up to you to get off your lazy ass and do something about it. Right? So you shouldn’t just get stuff for free just because you happen to be here. Now, in a relationship, how does this play out? Well, what it means is, there are certain tasks that men like doing more than women do. And there are certain tasks that women like doing more than men do. There are certain tasks that women might be better at and that men might be better at. And rather than saying, We all got to split everything equally, it’s better for you to look at it and say, what are the things that I like to do, that I wouldn’t resent doing that I don’t mind doing or that I’m good at. And the same with your partner, and then just divvy things up. All that really matters is that you’re both putting equal energy in, but not everything else has to be equal.

So you know, in my relationship with Céline, I mean, she cooked the overwhelming majority of all the meals, because she was amazing at it, she was, I used to call her a five-star chef, she was amazing, and how she could just create things out of thin air, and they were always good. She was far better at making meals than I am yeah, I made meals here. And there from time to time, I usually took care of breakfast, which was more of an easy meal. But we were nowhere near equal in that department. Vice versa, everything that had to be maintained on the outside of the house, whether it was the landscaping, the house itself, the fence or the yard, or the cars or the trash. I did all of that stuff. She never had to touch any of it ever, because she didn’t like doing those things. And I did you know what I didn’t like doing. I didn’t like vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom, which I still did my fair share of. But what the point is, is that like, you know, she did the overwhelming majority of cleaning in the house. And I did everything outside of the house. And what we did was we divvied up the tasks in a way that we both felt worked for us, I would so much rather be outside scooping up the dead animals in the backyard, you know, the half-eaten rabbits from the coyotes or the Hawks or whatever. And taking care of that, then vacuuming the living room. I just for whatever reason, don’t like vacuuming.

So, it’s not about everything should be equal. And I watch couples struggle to try to make everything equal, and then people aren’t happy and there’s resentment. And things don’t get done, or they don’t get done the way they should. And then that creates more resentment, and it just becomes a whole thing. So don’t struggle don’t strive for equality in everything in the relationship. In fact, one of the things Céline used to say all the time is that each person should be giving, you know 60% and receiving 40%. And obviously, both people can’t give 60% Because that’s more than 100%. But you get the idea is that you should always strive to be giving more into your relationship than you expect to be receiving from it. And if both people do that, you will both feel very satisfied with each other. And when it comes to doing life things life chores, life tasks, divvy them up in a way that feels right for you. As long as you both feel like you’re both putting enough energy into the relationship to support it. If there should not be any resentment, you don’t have to make all the tasks equal, you just have to feel like you’re both putting in the effort. That’s the important part.

All right. The second half of this list is, is I think even better than the first half every one I read, I’m like, oh, yeah, that one. The next one on the list, your appearance doesn’t matter once you’re married. You know, this is one. It’s not what I’ve heard clients really talk about, although it’s when I have observed personally with clients. But it’s one that when I read it on the internet, I was like, oh, yeah, I have watched this happen a lot of times. So you’ll often see this, that people will really put in the effort, I’m going to say this falls a little bit more on the guy’s lap, and the women’s, because women will often put a lot of effort into their looks because that’s something that actually makes them happy. That’s something that when they look in the mirror, and they see themselves in an outfit that makes them feel good, or their hair looks good, it’s like a total release of oxytocin and just makes them happy. So you will, you will see them putting a lot more focus on that, in general, whereas men, you’ll see put a lot less focus on that. And they’ll try harder in the beginning. But, you know, once they’ve been in the relationship for a while, or you know, after they’re married, they start paying a whole lot less attention, to the way they dress, to how they groom themselves to how they show up.

Celine used to have a meme that she would use every once in a while. And I don’t know where she got it from, but it was a picture. And, you know, this is she used to use this for women when she was coaching women. But you know, on one half of it was a woman who was just dressed to the nines, as they say, beautiful dress, makeup, hair, the whole thing. And it says this is how I show up for a total stranger, like, meaning you’re gonna go out on a date with someone you’ve never met. And this is how you show up. And then on the other half of it, it’s her hair’s kind of like in a messy bun or something. And, you know, she’s just wearing her sweats. And, you know, it hasn’t really done anything. And it says this is how I show up for the person I love. Right? It’s, it’s showing that when they’re in a relationship, they don’t do the same things that they did in the beginning. Now, that meme just happens to be showing a woman but you will see men doing the same thing all the time.

So it’s not really a man or a woman thing so much. Although, as I said, I do occasionally see it more with the men kind of, you know, it’s harder for men to really put a lot of energy and attention into how their hair looks or the clothes that they wear. And so they’ll try harder in the beginning, you know because they want to make a good impression. And then they kind of slack off later on, because it’s not really sustainable for them. But in either case, your appearance does still matter. It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been married, you could have been married for 50 years, it still matters. Don’t you want to show up as the best version of yourself for the person that you love? I know I sure do. Right? I want to show up, I want my body to be in the best shape, it can be not only for myself but also for my partner, I want my partner to look at me and feel attracted to me. I want to make sure that, you know, I take care of my hair that I grew my beard was you know this, if you’ve been watching the show for a long time, you know that beards kind of a new thing.

But yeah, I want to make sure that I am taking care of myself and that I look good, feel good, smell good, whatever, for my partner, because I want her to be attracted to me. You know, this is a big thing you see with people is they’ve been in a relationship for a long time and they lose attraction. And one of the reasons is, people let themselves go and the person that they’re in a relationship with now is not the same person that they got into the relationship with great like, I get it. We all change time is not kind to all of us. And there are certain things that we just can’t help. But there’s a lot that we can help and there’s a lot that we can do with some nice clean clothes and a little bit of grooming. So your appearance does matter even after you’re married.

Next, you should lie a little about how many people you’ve slept with a wrong I kind of get a buzzer sound effect on my soundboard here. I’ll give it laughter instead. Because I think it’s stupid. No, you shouldn’t lie about it. You just shouldn’t. I’m really fortunate that you know the past partners I’ve had have been really open about that. Yeah, I had one woman one day. We were talking about this very early on in the relations Didn’t chip. And she just looked me square in the face. And she said, she said, you know, my numbers are most likely a lot higher than yours. And I was like, really? And she said, Well, I’ve been single for a long time, you know, and she’s like, I have needs. And just because I’m single, doesn’t mean that I’m just not going to do anything. So like, it’s not because I was intentionally trying to have a high number, she’s just like, I’ve been dating and trying to find the right person. And so you know, I’ve dated quite a few people. And I was like, thank you for that honesty, I really appreciated that I don’t give a shit how high your number is all I care about is that you’re a good person, that you’ve taken care of your health during all of that, and that you’re healthy. And, yeah, that, that we’re compatible in some way.

So yeah, I don’t think you should really lie about it, I think you should just be honest about it, you know, especially to like, sometimes people like, I don’t want them to know that I’m a player, and then I like to have sex with a lot of different people. Okay. But is this going to be a serious relationship? Is this somebody that you’re thinking about maybe being in a relationship with for the long term, because if so and they’re not open to open relating, then you’re going to be in a bit of trouble, right? Because you told this person that you didn’t have sex with that many people and that you want to be committed to a relationship. But the reality is, what you really want is to be having sex with a lot of different people. So it always comes down to just being open and honest with yourself and with your partner. And, you know, here’s another point to consider. If you’re not honest about how many people you slept with, and it somehow comes out later on, that you did sleep with more people than you actually told your partner. Now you’ve just broken trust. Now, you might say, well, nobody would ever know that, well, you know, people are smarter than you think. Over time, as you’re telling stories about this person, or that person that you dated if you’re not careful. They might go 123. Wait a minute, I just added that up. And that’s 10 people, but you told me you’ve only had sex with six people in your entire life. People will, will start to figure that out. So honesty is always the best you want somebody to love you for who you are, and absolutely be okay with your past. And you know, maybe you’re not proud of your past. And you just say You know what, I’m not proud of it. Here’s where I was at in that moment. But I’ve done the work. I’ve moved past that. And here’s where I am today, right? Just be honest about it.

Okay, next one. Love hurts. No. Love can hurt sometimes when somebody that you really love disappoints you in some way. But this idea that love should hurt and that it’s not love, if you’re not feeling or experiencing that hurt from time to time simply isn’t true. If your relationship hurts you on a regular basis, it’s a dysfunctional relationship period. Now, that doesn’t mean that things won’t happen from time to time that hurt because they do and there’s no avoiding that. But, you know, love itself, relationships themselves shouldn’t hurt with any frequency. You know, occasional things pop up, you work through them, you move on. But in general, no love should not hurt. Love should uplift you. Love should make you happy. Love should make your world better.

Alright, next, you should trust your friend’s advice, who? Oh, yeah, there’s another great one. No, you shouldn’t trust your friend’s advice. Your friends got lots of advice. And most of its shit, let’s just be honest. Most of it is shit. Look at them, how they’ve shown up in their relationships, what the results have been. And you’ll get a pretty decent idea of the quality of the advice you’re going to get from your friend. So your friends generally mean well, and they’re doing the best they can for you. But their advice usually is pretty piss poor, for lack of a better term. So don’t just go to your friends for advice. seek out advice from people you not only really trust, but that has a track record of giving good advice, and have a track record of healthy sex, love, and relationships themselves. Go out and seek advice from other experts in the field. There are lots of them. There are other experts in this field that do the same thing I do that I follow because I think they’re spectacular. I do my best not to copy any of their content and not to talk about the same things they talk about when they’re talking about them. But there are lots of great people in this field, find the one that resonates with you and go listen to their advice. This entire episode right here is about advice on sex, love, and relationship, this is a much better place to get it than from your friend who’s had a string of failed relationships.

Number eight, jealousy means that they love you. Actually, it’s not really number eight, this is number 16. But the numbering is a little screwed up here on my list. So I don’t want to confuse you. It’s number 16. Jealousy means that they love you. No, it doesn’t. It means that they’re insecure. That’s what it really means. So if somebody is in the relationship, and you’re experiencing a lot of jealousy, you need to figure out what’s going on and why they feel so insecure. Now, it might be you’re actually doing things that that are directly contributing to their insecurity. Or it might just be that they have some past trauma from past relationships where they don’t feel secure. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that they love you. There can be people who are really jealous but I would not categorize the way they show up in a relationship as love. So don’t mistake jealousy, as love, love, and jealousy are kind of two different things. And just because somebody is demonstrating jealousy doesn’t mean that they love you. Okay, and the last one on the list, and I put this last for a reason. Just because it was a great way to sort of wrap up this whole thing, and it is a good relationship doesn’t require work. Yes, it does. All relationships require work. There’s just no way around that.

But here’s the difference. It shouldn’t feel like work. I’m sure you’ve heard many times the saying if you do what you love for a living, it will never feel like work. And in some ways, that’s true. I love doing this show. I love coaching people, it is something that I literally love doing. And yet some days, it does feel like work. Because it is work. It takes a lot of time, energy, and resources to produce one of these podcasts. And it’s work. And some days, I’m like, Man, I’m tired. I didn’t really want to do that. But yet, I love creating the podcast, in a relationship is kind of the same in the sense that every relationship requires work. If you’re not actively working to maintain a healthy relationship, then it’s probably going to wither away and die, like Céline. And I used to say all the time, everything, everything in this reality in this world is either growing or dying. Plants are either actively growing, or they’re shrinking and turning brown and dying. Your house, you’re either actively working on it to maintain it, or what happens if you don’t maintain it, nature starts to reclaim it, and it starts to fall apart and crumble. Your relationship is the same way. It’s going to take work to keep it alive and vibrant and healthy and functioning.

But that’s okay. Because if you love the person you’re with, and you love the relationship, it shouldn’t most of the time feel like work. You’re just happy to do it. Yeah, it might be work that you you know, you’re going to you’re going to read this book to learn better communication or whatever, but you’re happy because you know that it’s going to make your relationship even better. And sometimes, it will actually feel like work. And that’s okay. The thing is, it shouldn’t feel like hard work all the time. And it also will require work right? So the bad piece of advice is, you know, it’s a good relationship. If it doesn’t require any work bullshit, all relationships require work, everything requires work. However, it shouldn’t always feel like work and it shouldn’t always feel hard. You know, there’s, there’s lots of things that are technically work that are easy or feel good or that you’re happy about doing. And so most of the time, that’s how your relationship should feel. And every once in a while you might hit some roadblocks along the way that feel hard, and then really feel like work and that’s okay, you work through them. You get to the other side, right? And then it doesn’t feel so much like work anymore.

All right, there you go. That is actually 17 pieces of bad sex, love, and relationship advice that are busted Now you have a better idea of what the advice should be. I hope that was helpful to you. If you’d like these types of episodes where I kind of bust myths and bad advice, let me know. I’d be happy to do more. When I was researching this, there are a lot more pieces of bad relationship advice out there. I just picked some of the ones that I see the most often or that I really wanted to straighten out because they are sort of my pet peeves, as I mentioned before, so feel free to tell me in the comments, some bad pieces of advice that you have been given before, so that would be great. All right, everybody. That’s all the time I have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

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Céline Remy 1:00:59
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. That’s kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 1:01:14
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 1:01:15
And remember, you’re amazing!