Kevin Anthony 0:00
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, the place to be for honest and real talk about relationships and sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to help you have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life.

Kevin Anthony 0:26
All right. Welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 402, and it is titled, This is what relationship synergy is. Are you experiencing it? So, a while back, I did an episode called This Is What Great Sex Can Be, or is, or something like that. Are you experiencing it? And what I was attempting to do in that episode was convey in words something that is really difficult to convey in words. In other words, I was talking about some of the more esoteric aspects of sex and love making, and you know, these are things that are not easy to describe in words, and people have tried for centuries, you know, to try to fully encapsulate what that means, and so I attempted in that episode to do that, to put something that is something that’s experienced and felt into words that could make you understand as best as I could what it’s like to feel and experience it.

Kevin Anthony 1:47
So today I’m going to do something similar, but with relationships, so not just the sexual piece of it, but like what does it really mean when you are in a relationship where there is this thing that we call synergy, and what does that even mean? What does that look like? And how would you know it if you were in it? And if you’re not in it, how would you get there? And why would you even want to get there? Like, what is this thing called relationship synergy? So that is what we’re going to talk about today, and having personally experienced this in my relationship with Celine, and really moving into that in my current relationship, I really truly understand what this means, and why it’s so important, and I really hope that I can throughout the course of this episode explain it to you in a way that makes you go, oh yes, that’s what I have, I realize how amazing you know this is, and how important it is to continue to nurture, and how lucky I am, or go.. wow, that sounds amazing. That’s what I want. And now I have some idea of how to get there.

Kevin Anthony 3:11
So, that’s what we are going to talk about in today’s show, but of course, before we do that, a brief word for my sponsor. Are you ready to build deeper intimacy and a more passionate relationship? I hope so. Introducing Intimacy Mastery, the sex, love, and intimacy app for singles and couples. Your personal guide to mastering love, sex, and connection. Get a personalized plan tailored to your unique relationship goals. Enjoy daily lessons, real-world challenges, and guided reflections, all designed by me, Kevin Anthony, your trusted guide and coach. Track your growth, celebrate your wins, and get expert feedback every step of the way. Access exclusive resources, videos, and proven tools right at your fingertips. Whether you’re single or partnered, this app will help you create the love life you truly desire. The app is available right now by going to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/go/app. That is https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/go/app.

Kevin Anthony 4:28
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Kevin Anthony 5:29
Okay, before we talk about what relationship synergy is, I want to talk a little bit about what relationship synergy isn’t, and I’m laughing when I say that, because I have watched couples many times over the years think that they have relationship synergy, think that they are a power couple, think that they are twin flames, or think that they are soul mates, or think who knows what, and yet I would watch their relationships and see the massive dysfunction there, and so you know it’s always hard when you’re in something to really see it clearly, right? And you know, let’s face it, a lot of people’s egos get in the way, and I’ve watched so many people call themselves power couples, and I’m like, are you kidding me? Really, like, not even close. So I thought it would be helpful to maybe talk about some of the things that people mistake for true relationship synergy, so that we can just get that out of the way.

Kevin Anthony 6:53
So, number one, equality. Oh, here he goes, right from the beginning, he’s already pushing my buttons. True relationship synergy does not look like a relationship that’s equal 5050 It doesn’t, and I will talk a whole lot more about that throughout this show, but the idea that everything should be equal, right, and somehow that is synergy in a relationship is just simply untrue. It’s not true, and we will talk about that. So, you know, if you’re looking at a relationship and go, they seem to be so good, like he takes care of the kids this much at a time, and she does that, and they split this, and they split that, that, that’s that is not actually true relationship synergy. Sorry, it’s not.

Kevin Anthony 7:49
The next one is competing. I’ve definitely seen quite a few couples where the two people are constantly competing, could be competing for who’s in the masculine role could be competing for, you know, who’s sort of calling the shots, could be competing for who makes more money or who loves who more, or whatever it is, and sometimes these situations can look somewhat successful, for instance, you know, this is one where I see where people say we’re a power couple. You’re not a power couple; you’re just two driven, successful people competing with each other all day long, but you’re not functioning as a power couple. Power couples are a team, right? You two are just competing with each other the whole time. Another thing relationship synergy isn’t is controlling, right? And so you know, again, this is another one where it looks like things are flowing in a relationship and things are working, but it’s only because one person is controlling everything, and you may have a tendency to think that, well, controlling that must be those macho asshole, you know, masculine dudes.

Kevin Anthony 9:08
Oh no, not necessarily. I mean, yeah, it can be, but there’s a whole lot of women doing some really controlling behaviors in their relationships, and that is not synergy either. All right, some other things that aren’t synergy. A dysfunctional soul mate slash twin flame relationship. I did a whole episode on this podcast about twin flames and soulmates. I’ve even talked to several other professionals about this. It is one of the things that really irks me to no end when it comes to working with couples, because again, I have watched numerous couples swear up and down that they were twin flames or soul mates, or whatever, you know, word phrase they want to use. Is, and that you know they’re meant to be together, and this is like amazing, and all this, but it is massively dysfunctional. I’m sorry, but a soul mate is not somebody that you have a dysfunctional relationship.

Kevin Anthony 10:16
Same with your twin flame, you know, of course, if you want to get into the actual definitions of soulmate and twin flame, and what they are, what they’re supposed to mean versus how people tend to use them, and all that kind of stuff, just go listen to that other episode. I’m not going to get into it in this one. There are some distinctions between them, but you know, even if those things are true, which some spiritual traditions believe, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re supposed to be in a romantic partnership with that person, and if it’s dysfunctional, you’re not doing either of you any good. So, yeah, it’s just not good. All right, I got one more that is not relationship synergy, and that’s chemistry. So, so many times I have seen people say things like, but we have so much chemistry, and it’s just like, oh, and the chemistry, and the this, and the that. I’m like, okay, but what else do you have? I mean, seriously, what else do you have?

Kevin Anthony 11:25
Okay, you got some great sex, but you’re fighting the rest of the time, you’re annoyed by each other the rest of the time, you’re not functioning together like a team the rest of the time, you’ve broken up and gotten back together four times already. Chemistry does not mean synergy. Okay, have we gotten that out of our system now? Do we understand what relationship synergy isn’t? So I really wanted to talk about that first, because when I start to go into what it actually is, I wanted to make sure that people weren’t listening to the things that I was sharing, and going, oh yeah, of course, yeah, I know that, I understand that, I get that, because I’ve got that chemistry, and I’m like, nope, nope, nope, nope, we don’t go there, right?

Kevin Anthony 12:15
So understanding what it isn’t, I think, will help you understand what it is a little bit better now. Before we get to what it is, I want to cover why relationship synergy is important. Then I want to talk about what the traits of relationship synergy are, and then I want to talk about how does a couple achieve this relationship synergy. So that’s the trajectory, that’s where we are going. So, let’s talk about why relationship synergy is important. In my opinion, it’s what makes a relationship great and worth being in. Now, again, you know, the people who are in the dysfunctional soulmate, you know, twin flame relationships, you know, they’ll tell you that, you know, what makes it worth it is all the work and the growth and all that stuff. Am I okay? Work is great, growth is great. Yep, absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 13:17
But there are relationships where that is, you know, the main benefit, and then there are better relationships. It’s true, there are just better relationships, and that doesn’t mean that you aren’t working and growing and evolving, you know, in a synergistic relationship, because you absolutely are. You’re just not doing it in a way that’s painful and awful, and creating more trauma, more stuff that needs to be healed, right? So I think to me one of the most amazing things about being human is being in this kind of synergistic relationship with a really high-level quality partner, to me that’s just one of the things that makes life worth living. So, another reason why it’s important, and it’s, it’s, you know, very closely tied to what I was just talking about, is it is your foundation. Now, I know some people will argue with this and say the foundation is within, you shouldn’t be relying on other people. Yes, that is true. I actually do agree with that.

Kevin Anthony 14:29
And most people will be in some sort of long-term relationship. Most people will. That’s just the reality of life. Most people will, and that’s a good thing. It’s a good thing, and because they are going to be in a long-term committed relationship, that then becomes the foundation of everything else. So, think about this, those of you who. Been in dysfunctional relationships, or relationships where you weren’t happy, or ones where you ended up leaving, or getting a divorce, or whatever. Think about what was going on in the rest of your life while that was happening, while there was chaos in your relationship. Think about how ungrounded you felt. Think about how that bled over into raising your kids. Think about how that bled over into your work life, your relationships with your friends, right? It affected all of those things, and so when you truly have a relationship that is, you know, this synergistic type of relationship I’m talking about, it becomes your foundation this rock solid, you know, foundation from which you can then go out and do all the other things that you do in the world, knowing that you can always come back home to this solid foundation. I think it’s really important.

Kevin Anthony 15:58
Now, of course, you should be working on your own foundation as well, but you know if you’re in a relationship, it should be part of your foundation. Okay, some other reasons why relationship synergy is important. When you have it, you wonder how you ever lived without it. I mean, that’s how I felt. That is absolutely how I felt. You know, Celine used to say all the time, you know, she used to kind of like get a little glow and a little chuckle and a little smile and feel proud of herself, and she used to say things like, you know, she got to the man who said he would never get married to get married, and yes, there were a lot of times in my younger years where I said that I wouldn’t get married, but the reason I felt that way is because I never felt like I had a relationship like this, like what I’m trying to describe, and I just was like, there’s no way I’m getting married, you know, into a relationship that isn’t there’s anything less than this, that’s that’s that’s the best way to put it. I would not, you know, marry a woman where I had anything less than this type of relationship. I just wouldn’t do it.

Kevin Anthony 17:18
Now, for those of you who may already be in those relationships, and you’re not there yet. That’s okay, it doesn’t mean you have to leave. We will talk about that later. But personally, for me, yeah, once I, once I found her and realized what was possible in this type of relationship, yeah, I was like, there’s, there’s, there’s no way I’m letting that go. And then, of course, living in that type of relationship for so long, I was like, How did I ever live without this? Life was so much better with it than without it. Some other reasons, something inside you knows and understands that this is how it should be. Now, what’s interesting about that is, you know, you see it in movies and TV shows and things like that. You know, these amazing couples, although, honestly, you mostly see dysfunctional couples, but every once in a while, you’ll see these amazing couples in these movies, and you resonate with them, right? Because you’re like, yes, that’s what I want, that’s what I’m looking for, that level of mutual respect and romance, and all the stuff. Right, there’s something inside you that understands that this is how it should be. When the masculine and the feminine show up in their highest form, this is how that connection should be, and you know it, you know it at a DNA cellular level, whether or not you want to consciously admit it, which a lot of people these days don’t want to consciously admit it.

Kevin Anthony 18:55
Okay, so more reasons, you know, if you want to raise children, it is the example that you set for them, so raising children is tough. It’s probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in life, and every parent will tell you that. They’ll also, of course, tell you that it’s one of the most rewarding things that you’ll ever do in your life, which is probably true. I don’t know. I don’t have any children myself, although I did raise a child with a partner for a while; it was her young child for a number of years. So, I do have experience in what it’s like, but I don’t have any of my own. But if you do want to raise children, like, you’ve got to set a good example, you know. I’ve talked so, so many times on this show about the patterns that people just keep repeating throughout life, and through their relationships, and through their sex lives, and how so many of those patterns are formed when they’re children, and they’re formed by watching their dysfunctional parents.

Kevin Anthony 19:55
So, you know, I personally think if you, if you want to raise kids, you should be. Doing it from a really solid synergistic foundation of a relationship, and unfortunately, that’s not true for a lot of people, and the worst thing ever is when you see a couple who’re like really struggling, and they’re really quite dysfunctional, and then they decide that the way to fix that is to have children that will somehow solve the problems. No, it won’t. It will magnify the problems by an order of magnitude, like 100 times or more. Who knows? Yeah, like it’s going to make things more challenging, not better. That’s ridiculous to me when couples say, ” You know, we’re really struggling. How about we open up our relationship and try non-monogamy? And I’m just like, oh, face palm, right? That is not going to solve your problems; it is only going to make them exponentially more challenging. You go into those areas from a solid foundation, not from a shaky one.

Kevin Anthony 21:09
Okay, some more reasons why it’s important to achieve it, meaning relationship synergy. You need to evolve and master yourself. There is no way that you have a truly synergistic relationship without having done a significant amount of personal work, personal development work to become, as I often say on this show, the best version of yourself. So, one of the reasons why it’s important is that if you’re striving to achieve relationship synergy, you’re going to have to work on yourself, which means you’re going to grow, you’re going to evolve, you’re going to become a better version of yourself, and that is a very good thing. All right, I got two more reasons why it’s important. The power of what each of you can accomplish and what you can accomplish together is greater, and that really is true when you’re truly in a supportive, synergistic relationship. What each of you accomplishes on your own.

Kevin Anthony 22:24
Let’s say you have your own careers, or you know, whatever, your own hobbies, your own passions. You actually can accomplish more, and you can do it better when you have the support of a really solid partner, but also whatever it is that you create together, whether that’s a business, whether that’s raising children, whether that’s simply setting an example for those around you, you know what you can accomplish together in this type of relationship is absolutely greater than you could accomplish alone, and also greater than what you would accomplish in a relationship that isn’t functioning at a high level, that isn’t synergistic, that is bleeding energy all over the place, rather than creating more energy, which, of course, takes me to the last one, which is your life and the world around you is better, so your life will become exponentially better, and you’ll feel it, and you’ll see it in a lot of different ways, which, of course, will then ripple out into the rest of the world and make the rest of the world a better place as well.

Kevin Anthony 23:41
So I don’t know about you, but I think those are some pretty compelling reasons to create a truly synergistic relationship. So next, we want to get into what the traits of a synergistic relationship are, so you know we talked about what relationship synergy isn’t, and then we talked about the reasons why it’s important, but what is it? I mean, you can infer some of it from what it’s not, but I’ve got a really good solid list here of traits of a synergistic relationship, this, these, what, by understanding these, it will really help you understand what it is you’re trying to achieve, and where the areas are that you would potentially want to do some work, if you’re not already there, and even if you are, like, you can have, you know, relationship synergy, you can have, you know that kind of a relationship, but still not have everything perfect, right? I mean, because nobody is perfect, we’re humans, and we’ve all got our areas we’re working on, so you know, even if you feel like you’ve already got this type of a relationship, listen to this list and see where are the areas that maybe, maybe. You could use a little bit more work, and if you’re, you know, if you’re listening to this, and you’re like, “Damn, they all need work, that’s okay too.

Kevin Anthony 25:09
And, like I said before, if you’re already in a relationship and you’re like, “This is not what he’s describing at all, this is not a synergistic relationship, and it’s not working. Does that mean you automatically have to bail and try to go find a better one? No, no, it doesn’t. I would suggest, if you love the person, if they love you, that you work on these areas and try to develop them, try to move into synergy. It is possible. It’s not this crazy thing, where it’s like you either have it or you don’t, right? Some people have more of it when they get together than others, but it is something that you can work on and something that you can develop. Okay, before I get into that list, though, I’m going to take a short break for my sponsor today, and you know I’m talking about relationship synergy, and I’m talking about the fact that it’s something you can learn and something you can move into, and my sponsor today is an area in which it is a tool that you can use to help create more synergy in your relationship, and you’ll understand what I’m talking about in just a moment.

Kevin Anthony 26:27
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Kevin Anthony 27:57
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Kevin Anthony 29:47
All right, so let’s get into the traits of relationship synergy, like what? When I say relationship synergy, when I say that, so this I. The couple has relationship synergy. What are the things that I’m talking about? How do we define that? How do we identify a couple who has this synergy in their relationship? Okay, number one, you’re both 100% committed to the relationship. I talk about this a lot on this show, this idea that you’re, you’re both committed, you’re like, I’m in this, this is the relationship I choose, this is where I want to be, there’s nowhere else I would rather be, I’m not thinking that this is pretty good, and I’m keeping my eyes open to see what else might be a little better, right? No, I am committed 100% to being in the relationship, and that is something you will see with every truly great couple: that they’re committed.

Kevin Anthony 30:51
So one of the reasons why it’s so easy for them to do certain things in the relationship is because they feel 100% safe in the relationship, they know that their partner is not going to go wander or cheat on them, or, you know, break the trust or boundaries in any way, right? Because they’re, they, they know that they’re 100% committed. So, I think that is absolutely a foundational prerequisite for this kind of relationship, which takes me to the second one, which is you’re both 100% committed to making the relationship great, so you can be committed to the relationship, and you’re like, yep, I’m not going anywhere, I’m not going to leave this person, I’ve decided that this is the person I want to spend my life with, but you could spend that life sitting your lazy ass down on the couch watching TV shows and ignoring your partner. Well, you’re committed, you’re not going anywhere. Do you want this person to do your cooking and your cleaning, or to earn your money, and pay the bills, or whatever it is, but that doesn’t mean you’re 100% committed to making the relationship great, and that is something that you need to do if you’re going to be in a relationship with this person.

Kevin Anthony 32:15
If you’re going to commit yourself 100% to it, then you also have to commit yourself 100% to saying I am going to make this relationship the best it can possibly be, whatever that takes. Yeah, it’s just another one of those ones that I think is really, really important. All right, so you’re committed to the relationship, you’re committed to making it great. Those are very good things, but there’s a lot more that you need. Another trait of a relationship synergy is that you have each done and are still doing your own individual personal work. Sometimes what you see is, you know, people will be doing their own personal development work, and then they get in relationship, and like, okay, I don’t need to do that anymore, like I’m just going to focus on us together in the relationship, but the problem with that thinking and that logic is that you know how you show up in that relationship, how you develop that relationship depends a lot on who you are as a person, right.

Kevin Anthony 33:24
So, like, I’ve quoted many, many times on this show, the book, wherever you go, there you are, right, because you take yourself everywhere you go, like, you can’t bring yourself, right. And so, having done a significant amount of personal development work, and continuing that throughout your relationship, so you know, sometimes people will get into relationships, and all development work stops. They’re like, “I found my person, that’s it, I don’t have to do anymore. They don’t do the personal work; they don’t do the work in the relationship itself, right? And those types of relationships stagnate. They absolutely stagnate. They’re rarely successful, even if they stay together. Length of time is not really the best measure of success. There are lots of people who stay together in relationships for long periods of time and really are not happy.

Kevin Anthony 34:16
So, the ones that tend to be more successful are the ones where people keep doing the work, and they keep becoming better versions of themselves, and I think that you know when you’re in a relationship that does have this kind of synergy that we’re talking about today, it inspires you to want to do more, it inspires you to want to become a better version of yourself, so traits of a synergistic relationship, you have done at least some, and you’re currently doing your own individual personal work, and that goes for both of you in the relationship, and that really doesn’t ever stop, ever, from the moment you’re born till the day. You die, yeah. Keep doing it all right. What else? You’re open to learning and growing together.

Kevin Anthony 35:10
So, the first one is you’ve done and are doing your own individual work, and then the next one is you’re open to learning and growing together. So, you do work on your own, you also do work together, and you’re open to what that would look like, and you’re open to when your partner wants to bring new ideas to you, and says, Hey, how about we take this workshop, or you know, how about we read this book together, or you know, how about we hire this coach, or how about we sign up for this app, or how about we take this online course, or whatever it is. You are open to learning and growing together. That is definitely one of the ways that you nurture that synergistic type of relationship. Okay, next on the list, you have learned excellent communication skills, including listening skills.

Kevin Anthony 36:11
You know, last week on the show, I had a woman on a coach named Monica Tanner, and we were talking about, you know, the title of that episode’s Bad Marriage Advice, which was a really fun title, and it stemmed from, you know, her oldest son getting married, and she wanted to write a book for him that gave him all the advice she wished that she had gotten before she had gotten married, and so she was kind of blowing up some of the myths, and during that conversation, you know, we kept coming back to this idea of communication in the relationship, and I told a story in that episode about how early on in my coaching work I was kept coming back to this idea that I got to help these couples fix their communication, and you know, I used to think back then that, like, I don’t know, man, I feel like I’m supposed to have all these like magic tools in my back pocket, like this method, and this, you know, 10 things, and this, that, and that, like, that’s what’s gonna make couple successful, and yet here I am feeling like now what I really need to work on is helping them with their communication, and sometimes I felt like I don’t know, I guess, I guess maybe I still have a lot to learn and develop as a coach.

Kevin Anthony 37:30
Well, of course, I did have a lot to learn and develop as a coach. We all do when we start anything, but what I realized was that the reason why I kept feeling compelled to do that with so many couples is because it was so critically important, and the reason I brought up Monica Tanner and bad marriage advice is because in that she kept coming back to this idea about this communication and all these different areas of, you know, good marriage advice, and and I said, you know, I’m so happy to hear you say that, because what I’m hearing from you is that this is one of those absolutely foundational pieces of a solid relationship, is how you communicate to each other so critically important that you’re making it, you know, it’s a, it’s a piece of all these different pieces of advice that you’re giving, and so, yeah, I just thought that was that was great, because I had come to that same realization after years of coaching, just about how important it really is. So, if you’re going to have relationship synergy, you’ve got to have high-level communication skills, and that includes listening skills, and you know, I’ve talked about communication skills on the show many, many, many, many times.

Kevin Anthony 38:48
You know, I’ve done.. did I do.. I can’t remember now off the top of my head if I.. if I actually did my communication mini masterclass here on the show or not. I will look at that if I haven’t. Maybe one day I will do that, but it’s a foundational piece of the couples coaching that I do, and I teach it to individuals as well, but definitely to every couple I work with. We go through the communication best practices mini masterclass, because it really is that important, you have to, you have to have good communication, and the reality is that many of us have learned to communicate in ways that are different from our partners. It’s pretty rare that two individuals get together and just communicate in all the exact same ways, and it’s just super easy, and it just works, and they don’t even have to really use words, and they just know. Does that happen? Yes, it does. Does it happen often? No. Most people have to work at it. They have to learn skills. They have to learn strategies. And that’s okay, because you can certainly learn it all right. Some more traits of relationship synergy: you are both emotionally intelligent. This is a really big one. You will never truly achieve synergy in a relationship if you haven’t really worked on upping your EQ, right, or your emotional intelligence. It’s an absolute must, you know.

Kevin Anthony 40:29
Again, as I talked about what relationship synergy isn’t in the beginning, and I talked about, you know, people who are in, like, twin flame or soul mate relationships, but they’re super dysfunctional, and they’re arguing all the time. There’s all this drama going on in the relationship that, to me, signals that there is a low level of emotional intelligence. People who are in relationships who have high EQ do not have huge emotional reactions, do not end up yelling and screaming at their partners, do not have constant ups and downs in drama, but don’t highly emotionally intelligent people will look at a situation and go, okay, something is wrong here, somebody’s either upset or somebody’s not happy, or something’s going on. Let’s sit down and address it like two emotionally mature adults. Let’s have a conversation. Let’s figure out how we can come to a mutually satisfying resolution. We stay relatively calm, cool, and collected. We learn how to communicate well. We are looking out for the best interest of our partner and the relationship, as well as ourselves, of course. That is how emotionally intelligent people handle challenging situations.

Kevin Anthony 41:56
So, that is that is a key trait of a relationship that is truly experiencing synergy, you have to have a high level emotion of emotional intelligence, and that also means having worked through your jealousy stuff, because a lot of what I was just talking about, like, you know, the swings and the emotional overreactions, and that a lot of that comes from insecurities and jealousy, so if you haven’t worked through those insecurities and that jealousy, you are not likely, you’re not likely to have a synergistic relationship, because it’s going to keep creating this drama, this up and down craziness cycle that you see in a lot of people’s relationships. All right, next, you have polarity. I know, such a loaded word these days. I’ve talked about it a lot. I’ve done whole episodes on this show about what polarity is. I have watched a lot of other people teach polarity, some of whom do it really well, some of whom do it really poorly. I’ve seen the backlash against polarity, where now a whole bunch of people are like, polarity is just a bunch of bullshit, and it’s just more patriarchy teachings, and blah blah blah blah blah.

Kevin Anthony 43:21
Polarity is a real thing. Polarity must exist in any happy, highly functioning, emotionally mature, you know, high attraction relationship. It just is. It’s a must. It no matter how long I’ve been teaching it, no matter how many other people’s teachings I have read on it or listened to, to get their take or their opinion, I always come back again to the fact that this is real and that it is sort of a universal truth, and it’s funny because I was thinking about the episode for this show today, and you know what I was going to write, because I hadn’t actually written it yet, and I’m sitting there at breakfast, and I’m just cruising social media, and I come across a post by a guy named Eric Graham. Some of you may know Eric Graham. I don’t know him personally. I don’t even know how his stuff started showing up in my feed, but he does men’s coaching. I believe he’s based down in South America somewhere. But I love the way he writes. I reached out to him via social media once and asked him to come on the show. I don’t know if he ever got the message, because when you’re not friends, it just shoves your message in some, like, you know, hidden messages thing. Who knows if they will ever see? I don’t know how really to get in touch with him, but I’ve read a lot of things that he has written, well, at least on social media anyway, and I love the way he writes.

Kevin Anthony 44:58
He has an ability to capture these ideas really, really well, and he wrote an entire thing on polarity that I happened to see this morning. I thought, man, this is so perfect for the show, and I was like, maybe I’ll just read it on the show, because it is that good, but it’s long, and I wasn’t sure if Eric would even appreciate me reading his entire thing on my show, but go check it out. It’s on polarity. It starts out with no amount of theory is going to argue polarity out of a woman’s body. She feels it the second an ungrounded man walks into the room? It’s just, it is so, so good. I’m not going to read the whole thing, but it just really lays out exactly kind of what polarity is and what it isn’t, and it’s just really well done. So, I don’t know if this ever makes it to you, Eric, and you want to come on the Love Lab podcast and talk about this some more, I’d love to have you on, but I just thought that was kind of funny because I was already thinking about today’s show and what I want to write, and like polarity has got to be on the list, and then what pops up in my feed, a really excellently written piece about polarity, so okay, some other things.

Kevin Anthony 46:26
You are physically attracted to each other and prioritize a healthy and satisfying sex life. Yes, if you are in a relationship with a high level of synergy, you’re going to feel that attraction, you’re going to feel that physical attraction, you’re going to want to be sexual with each other, and you’re going to prioritize that. Next, you function together as a team for the good of the team. Man, this one is so important. I talk about this a lot on the show, but the reality is, is if you’re not functioning together as a team, if you’re not looking at the relationship as how can everything we do benefit the team to the highest degree, right, then you’re, you’re just, you’re not going to be in a synergistic relationship, because that’s what it takes, right? Now, that doesn’t mean, and I’ve talked about this in other shows, so I won’t go too deep into it now. That doesn’t mean that you have to sacrifice yourself for the team all the time, right?

Kevin Anthony 47:26
It doesn’t mean I just got to take one for the team constantly, take one for the team, take one for the team. No, because you’re going to be unhappy, you’re going to be resentful, right? That’s not what we’re talking about here. Both people in the relationship should always be looking about how, like, what is the best outcome in any given situation for us together as a team. Now, sometimes, some, you know, some people might have to give up a little here or there, but generally speaking, you should be able to come up with win-wins. Most of the time, you should be able to do win-win, so yeah, you really, it’s just a must. You have to be functioning together as a team, you know. And I talked about what relationship synergy isn’t, and I mentioned competing. I see way, way too many people in relationships where you know they think that they’re working together, but really they’re competing with each other, as I said earlier, and you know you’re not competing with the other people on your team, right? A team is competing with other teams, not with each other, so they should be working synergistically with each other. All right.

Kevin Anthony 48:41
What else is on the list here? You share common values. This is really important. It’s hard to have a lot of synergy in a relationship when you don’t share the same values as the person with whom you’re in a relationship. Now, here’s an interesting thing: values often get confused for methods. What do I mean by that? Well, you can see two people like you’ll see this all the time in the political spectrum. You’ll see one side of the aisle really vehemently disagreeing with and arguing with the other side of the aisle, and generally what they’re arguing with, or over, I should say, is the method how to get to the thing, but if you can get past all of that and get down to a deeper level, what you’ll realize is they both actually want the same thing, they just think that the way to get there is different, so what I suggest is that you try to get to really the core values that you each have find out what those core values are, and if they’re, if you share them in common, you have already a foundation to achieve synergy. If you don’t have core values in alignment, this is probably going to be tricky, and you may or may not ever really truly reach synergy, because it’s hard when you value, you know, when your core values are different. Doesn’t mean they have to be exactly the same, by the way. Just, there just has to be a high level of alignment, you know.

Kevin Anthony 50:15
I had Nick Brancato on the show, he wrote a book called Prioritize Us up there on the shelf, and we talked about that, and he’s got an assessment that you can do, where you get to figure out what your values are, and the whole point of it isn’t like, well, if you don’t have the same values listed in the same order, like, forget it, you should just break up, no, the point was finding out how closely aligned they are, right, and you can have them in a different order, a little bit, or whatever, and that’s still okay. Along with sharing common values, you would share common goals. So, if you’re going to have a lot of synergy in your relationship, you should have common goals. What are our goals? What is it we want to achieve? Where do we want to live? What kind of lifestyle do we want to have? Do we want kids? Do we not want kids? You know, all that kind of stuff. You have common goals for life.

Kevin Anthony 51:15
Two more on this list. You celebrate each other’s wins. I think this is really important. When you have relationship synergy, you celebrate each other’s wins, and you do it in a way that when your partner is successful, you’re happy for them, you’re ecstatic for them, because you know that a success for your partner is a success for the team overall. And unfortunately, too many times what I see is people get jealous of their partner when they’re struggling, and their partner is doing great, like they’re having a difficult time at work, and their partner gets a new raise, and then their partner comes home and is all excited to talk about how they just got this promotion and this raise, and how happy they are, you know, at work, and their partner can’t really share that and be part of it, because they’re too, you know, jealous and upset that their work situation sucks, and that’s just not good, you know. In relationship synergy, your partner comes to you, regardless of what’s happening, and something good is going for them, you know. You celebrate that, you share that, you realize that not only is it good for them, but it’s good for the relationship as a whole. Really important to celebrate the wins.

Kevin Anthony 52:28
And then, lastly, on the list, you help each other achieve greatness. I think in any true synergistic relationship, you are helping each other become the best version of yourselves that you can be, and you’re always there to help the other person, you’re there to lift them up, help them be a better person, and that doesn’t, again, that doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself, giving everything up, so that you can, you know, give it all to your partner, that’s not what it means. You help each other, right? And in whatever ways you can. Unfortunately, sometimes I see in relationships where you know one partner, they have fear, they have jealousy that if their partner becomes too successful or too good looking, too physically fit, or whatever it is, that somehow it’s a threat, right? And so they, they not only do they not help them achieve those things, they don’t celebrate them when they do, and they actually sometimes will give them a hard time for it, and you see it, you see it in relationships, and it’s like it’s always sad, actually, when I do see it, because you’re supposed to be working together as a team to help each other, you know. One thing that you notice, then pay attention in your friend’s circle, which women are the ones that brag about their husbands versus which ones are the ones that are always saying negative things about them. Part of that, you know, part of it might be they’re unhappy, of course, but part of it is I don’t want the other women to know how great my man is, because then they’re all going to want him, right?

Kevin Anthony 54:17
And then he might stray, cheat, leave, whatever, whereas in a synergistic relationship, your partner promotes you and tells the world how amazing you are. You know, my relationship with Celine was the first relationship I was ever really in where my partner did that. You know, my partners would say those things to me, you know, but they would never share outside of our relationship, whereas with Celine, she loved to tell everybody how amazing she thought I was, and it was a little weird for me at first. I was just not used to it. It took a little time to feel comfortable when she would say things in front of other people. But eventually I got comfortable with it, and then I started to really love it. I was like, wow, it’s really amazing, not only to have a partner who appreciates you and who sees all the things that you do, not only a partner who you know sees them and tells you about them, but also lets the rest of the world know too, and not that we need the rest of the world to know, but the fact that she was that, that proud of it, I thought was really beautiful, and you know, I, of course, always did the same thing, and still continue to do the same thing when I talk about her, and I try to do that with my current partner, too. You know, there’s.. you’ll hear people in the space say things like, you know, never talk badly about your partner in public, right?

Kevin Anthony 55:49
And I agree with that. You know, if you have problems with that, talk about it in private, but.. but don’t go out and disparage your partner in front of other people. You should be doing the opposite. You should be telling people all the amazing qualities of your partner. I think that’s really important, so you help each other achieve greatness. Now that’s my list, that’s the list I thought of this morning when I was reflecting back on not only the relationship that I believe was really embodying this relationship synergy, but also other relationships that I have seen that I have, you know, used as examples in my own life. I’m sure you could come up with others, you know. I always say these lists are not, you know, exhaustive, but it gives you a pretty good idea of, you know, what types of qualities should be there, and if you’ve, if you’ve got most of these going, you already know that you’re experiencing this type of synergy in your relationship, because you can feel it every day, and if you’re looking at this list and you’re going, wow, yeah, I don’t really have very many of those. That’s okay. Then you get to work on it, right?

Kevin Anthony 57:09
Which, of course, leads me to how does a couple achieve relationship synergy? So I mentioned that, you know, some people will get into a relationship, and they’ll have more of these already than, say, other people. There are people who are in relationships now that never really thought about any of this and just ended up in relationships somehow, for whatever reason, and they’re struggling. Right, wherever you are and however you got there, it doesn’t really matter, because you can work on all of these things, and it’s possible to achieve at least some level of synergy in your relationship, if you and your partner are both willing to do so. So, here’s a list of some things that you can potentially do to create more synergy in your relationship. The first one is that it starts with doing your own internal work, so you’ve got to heal your traumas, you’ve got to identify them, and you’ve got to heal them. We all have them, right? It’s just part of being human. Figure out what they are and work on healing them. You also have to heal any jealousy that you’re having. You can’t really function together as a team if you’re constantly jealous of your partner. You need to learn to embody your masculinity slash femininity.

Kevin Anthony 58:40
So, if you’re a man, learn to embody your masculinity. If you’re a woman, learn to embody your femininity. These are all things that you can do on your own without any help from your partner at all, and that’s those were all under the category of it starts with doing your own internal work. Really start by working on yourself, you next choose your partner for the right reasons. So, if you’re not in a relationship and you are, say, dating, choose your partner for the right reasons. You have the list of traits of a synergistic relationship. Use that as a guideline when you’re choosing partners, like, okay, how many of these things does this person already have? Do they have good communication skills? Are they emotionally intelligent? Do we have values and goals that are in alignment, and so forth? Right. So, choose your partner for the right reasons. Now, of course, if you’re already in a relationship and you’re like, man, we are not experiencing this synergy, and I wish we were. Then all right, take the time to learn the things that you need to learn. So, what are some of those things?

Kevin Anthony 59:53
Focus on improving your communication. I made a point earlier about how important communication really. Is for all things in a relationship, learn how to work together as a team, all that stuff I talked about, about being a team and working synergistically together, and what’s good for the team is good for each individual, and so forth. If you’re not there, if you’re not working together as a team, you’ve got to fix that. You’ve got to correct that. You’ve got to figure out a way to start seeing your significant other as a crucial teammate and not as a competitor or somebody on another team. You need to shift your mindset from competition to collaboration. This is really important. You need to stop seeing your partner as somebody you’re competing with and somebody that you’re collaborating with. So, very similar to learning how to work together as a team, but it’s about shifting the mindset, like you really have to change the way you see your partner and relationships in general. Next, stop testing and start teaching each other how to love each other. That one came from Miss Monica Tanner last week as well, where we were talking about, you know, she said something along the lines of, you know, how we needed to teach our partners how to love us or how to be with us, like what we need, how we, how we need our partner to show up in the relationship, which for her meant simply speaking up and saying here’s what I need, right, rather than just expecting her partner to just know, right, and so you know, she came.

Kevin Anthony 1:01:43
She came up with that. Stop testing and start teaching. Yeah, you want to teach your partner how you need to be loved, right? Because they honestly don’t know, and they shouldn’t be expected to just know. So, stop testing, start teaching. Of course, you need to work on the polarity within the relationship, which is also really important. You want to identify the weakest areas of the relationship and work on them. You know, it’s a lot of times people will go, well, there are so many other things to work on in this life. Like, now I got to work on my relationship. Yes, yes, you do. Now, does it have to be hard work? Does it have to feel difficult? Does it have to be like slogging through the mud all the time? No, it doesn’t have to be, but you do have to work on it. There’s no such thing as a set it and forget it relationship. They don’t exist, so figure out the areas where you need some help, put a little time into working on them, and make it fun as best you can. There are definitely ways to make it fun.

Kevin Anthony 1:02:54
Okay, and lastly, get help if you need it. In my personal opinion, we all deserve to be in a relationship that is this kind of relationship synergy. There’s no reason why we can’t all have that kind of a relationship, but it takes work. It takes doing the work ourselves, takes doing the work within the context of the relationship, and sometimes it takes getting help. There’s nothing wrong with that. There is no shame in that. There is no stigma in that. Just do what you need to do, and if that means getting some help, get it. Read books. I’m constantly reading books on relationships. Granted, it’s my work. Okay, great. But I was doing that before this was my work. That’s how I got into doing the work: go take a workshop, take an online course. I’ve got online courses; you can find them at my website nowadays. We have apps, apps for everything. I just launched my own app that will help you with a lot of this stuff that we talked about today. I built an entire curriculum inside this app, and it’s going to be customized to you, so check that out. You can find that on my website as well. Hire a coach, hire a therapist. This is, this is really what I specialize in. I love helping couples have this type of synergy. Can I help you when you have challenges and problems? Of course, I can. Can I help you have a super amazing sex life? Yes, I can, but I really love helping couples achieve this level of synergy, because it is amazing. It is beautiful, and I really wish everybody could experience it. I know the world is a better place when more people experience it.

Kevin Anthony 1:04:36
So, you know, if you need a coach, hire a coach. It is so worth it. It’s going to be the best money you’ve ever spent, I guarantee you. So, don’t worry about it. If you need help, don’t you know, don’t stress, don’t feel like you have to go it alone, don’t beat yourself up because you’re failing at it or whatever. Just get the help that you need. Whoo! All right, then. There it is, that is what relationship synergy is. So, ask yourself, you know, are you really experiencing it? Be honest, right? Do you have the kind of relationship I have described here? And if not, why not? And are you willing to do something about it? I’d love to hear in the comments anywhere you are watching or listening to this, let me know. How is your relationship? Are you experiencing this synergy? What are the areas where you might be challenged and need some help? Let me know. Maybe I’ll do a whole episode on one of those areas where you need help, or a YouTube video, or something like that. So, curious to know all of your thoughts, and I hope that you learned something here today.

Kevin Anthony 1:05:45
I hope that you can take some of what you’ve learned and implement it in your life and relationships. And that’s all I have for this episode. And I’ll see you next week.

Kevin Anthony 1:06:02
I hope you liked this episode of The Love Lab Podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe, leave me a review, and share it with your friends. And for more free exclusive content, join me in The Passion Vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening, and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!