Kevin Anthony 0:00
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, the place to be for honest and real talk about relationships and sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or a couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to help you have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 389, and it is titled The powerful relationship practice of check-ins. So today I’m going to be talking to you about something that I often teach my couples clients when I am working with them, and it’s this idea of doing these sorts of regular check-ins to help keep the relationship on track, to help foster communication, to really just help make sure that you’re on the same page. Now, one of the things that I’ve noticed is that, especially when couples have been together for a long time, they kind of take this idea of check ins for granted. So, for instance, when you’re dating, this might be something that you do early on a lot. You know, you’d be like, Hey, babe, how are you doing? Hey, I just want to see how, like, where you were at, right?

Kevin Anthony 1:24
But then you’ve been in relationship for years, or maybe even not that long, maybe even only months, and you get in this sort of place of thinking that you know where the other person’s at, maybe you feel like they haven’t changed at all, so, like, everything is still the same as it was, so there’s no need to check in, and that can really create a lot of problems in the relationship. And so one of the things that I often work with couples on is how to create sort of a schedule or routine for creating check ins, and really we want to do it in a way that obviously benefits the relationship, but also doesn’t make it seem like it’s extra work or it’s hard, or it’s just one more thing to do.

Kevin Anthony 2:15
So that’s what we’re going to talk about in today’s show. I’m going to talk about the different kinds of check-ins and which ones are appropriate in which situations. And then I’m going to talk about sort of the step-by-step process for how to run a check-in, and then I’m also going to give you some sample check-in questions that you can use when you actually do your check-ins. So that’s what we are going to do today. But of course, as always, we have to pay the bills here. So I have a few words from my sponsors.

Kevin Anthony 2:53
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Kevin Anthony 3:49
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Kevin Anthony 4:45
And every once in a while, I love to show you guys my T-shirts. This is a great way to support the show. I’ve got the more orgasms, less wars t shirt and blue and gold for the men i. And, of course, the pink and white for the women, they’re really fun. You know, I’ve been surprised. I’ve been wearing mine around a lot, and I always expect people to comment on it, because it’s kind of a bold statement. How many people walk around with a T-shirt that says more orgasms on it? Not many, to be honest. And I’m always expecting people to comment on it or say something or ask me about it, and rarely do people actually ever say anything. Now, are they thinking about it, and they’re maybe giggling behind my back? Yeah, that’s that’s totally possible, but I’m surprised it’s not nearly as provocative as I thought it might be. Of course, I wasn’t going for provocative on it. I just wanted to put out a good message, do something fun, and it’s a great way to support the show. So you know, if you like what I do here at the Love Lab podcast, or on my YouTube channel, or any of the work that I do and you would like to support it, going there and picking up a t shirt is a great way to do that. You can find those at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com under the Products section, and yeah, great way to support the show and spread a great message.

Kevin Anthony 6:13
Okay, so in today’s episode, we’re talking about check ins, and I mentioned in the intro that check ins are a great way to really keep track of the health of the relationship, where your partner’s at, and even sometimes where you’re at, because, believe it or not, a lot of times, unless we make time to sit down and really, you know, check in even with ourselves. We don’t even necessarily know where we’re at. We kind of take it for granted. We don’t really think about it. We put it off. So the idea of doing a check-in cannot only benefit the relationship but also benefit you personally, and, of course, your partner as well. So it’s something that I highly recommend. It’s something that I think that all people in relationships should be doing. So I have several different kinds of check-ins here, and I want to talk about each one and when you would use them. So that’s where we’re going to start here.

Kevin Anthony 7:22
So the first one is what I call daily check-ins, and these are used most often in, like, critical situations or emergencies, right? Like, there’s some situation that’s going on, there’s been a death in the family, there’s some major relationship issue. You know that you’re trying to work through something that is of a critical nature. The reason why you want to do this on a daily basis with something like that is that things can change quickly, right? And you also want to show that you are giving it the attention that it requires and deserves now. Does this mean you have to do a whole lengthy process every single day? No, no. It just means that, hey, I know there’s this situation going on right now, and I just want to check in. How are you feeling today? How is everything going? Is there something else that you need, right? Is there something else that I can do for you, right?

Kevin Anthony 8:22
Just that idea of, you know, doing those little check-ins every day to stay on top of it and to sort of keep your finger on the pulse of what’s happening with that situation. And as I said, these are typically relatively short. You already know. You know the main issue that’s happening here. You already know probably the main details. So all you’re really looking for here with this idea of daily check-ins is anything that might have changed since the day before, anything that needs attention. You know, any new fires that may have arisen. So daily check-ins, as I said, are really meant for sort of critical situations, emergencies, things like that, where things could be shifting and changing rather quickly. Now, a lot of times when people think about daily check-ins, they think about, Hey, babe, how are you doing today? Okay, yeah, you could potentially use it in that way as well.

Kevin Anthony 9:27
You know, of course, if you live with your partner, you know, this should just be a daily thing that you do every single day, like just, you know, waking up in the morning. How did you sleep? You know, what’s your day like today? You know, when can we spend some time together, that kind of stuff? I mean, that you should be doing every day for sure, but that doesn’t need to be any sort of a formal process. Those can just be questions that you’re asking along the way throughout the day.

Kevin Anthony 9:59
So this idea. Have daily check ins as an actual process that you do, I think really is best suited to there’s some sort of situation that is important right now, in this moment that we need to handle, and we’re going to make it a point to check in every day, until we start to really get a hold or handle on what is happening. So that’s daily check-ins. The next one is weekly check-ins. Obviously, you can see where this is going. Weekly check-ins are often used to manage a longer-term, ongoing situation. So basically, things have stabilized. You’re not in an emergency, you know, terms or land anymore, but there is still something that needs more attention than usual. So emotions and tensions may still be a little high. Things could still be changing, maybe just not quite as rapidly as they were in the critical situation, but it’s still something that you need to check in on more frequently than, you know, once a month or once every couple of months, right? So that’s the idea of weekly check-ins. These check-ins are generally a little bit longer.

Kevin Anthony 11:21
So, because you’re looking for more information, because more time has gone past since the previous check in So, whereas with your daily check-ins, you know, I mean, there’s only so much that can change in 12 hours or 24 hours, right? But with your weekly check-ins, things, more things could have changed. So this process is usually a little bit longer, you know, where you’re going to sit down and, okay, it’s been a week now. How have things been for you? How are you today versus yesterday versus the day before that? You know, if you’ve been, you know, doing some of the things that you’ve promised you would do to help with this situation. Okay, you know, here’s what I’ve been working on, here’s what I’ve been doing. And you may, you may say, well, obviously they should know what I’ve been doing all week, but that’s not necessarily true, right?

Kevin Anthony 12:16
And sometimes the person on the other side can be so wrapped up in their own emotional process that they’re not even aware of the things that you’re doing on the other side. So it’s great to say, Okay, here’s what I’ve been doing, here’s how I’ve been working, you know, to help this particular situation. Here’s where I’m at, here’s how I’m feeling. Tell me about yourself. How are you feeling? Where are you at? What have you been working on, you know, what? What things over the past week have we been doing that have been working? What things have not been working? Are there any new things that we want to add, potentially to help us through whatever this situation that we’ve been going through is? And, you know, the situations can be anything. I should have mentioned this earlier, but, you know, we tend to think of, you know, we’re doing check-ins on our relationship, because there’s something wrong with the relationship that needs work. Now, that may be true, but this could just be managing any stressful situation as life in life, right?

Kevin Anthony 13:18
Maybe you got something going on with your kids that you need to take care of, or your parents that you need to take care of, right? Or a work thing, even a life thing, a health issue. I mean, there are a million things that come up in life where you can potentially use this process. And remember, I say this over and over and over again, that in a relationship, you are a team, right? And the goal is to work together as a team, and that’s really hard to do if the team isn’t on the same page, if the team isn’t following the same playbook, right? And so one of the ways we can make sure that we are working together as a team is to do these check-ins. So that’s the idea of a weekly check-in. There’s an ongoing situation that requires both of you to work together to either manage and or solve, and it’s not something that you have to check in every single day on, but it is something that requires you to know a higher level of conversation and check in than just every once in a while. So that’s weekly check-ins.

Kevin Anthony 14:32
The next one, of course, is monthly check-ins. Obviously, we started with daily, weekly, and monthly; you probably know what comes next. But as I said, I’m going to explain, you know, when the appropriate time is to use each of these, because it doesn’t mean you’re going to be doing all of them right. You will use certain ones for certain types of situations in certain parts. You know? Times in your life, and for certain reasons. So here we are, monthly check-ins. So these are what most healthy and stable couples use regularly, where, you know, once a month, you just check in, Hey, how’s everything going? How are you doing? Is there anything that you need? Is there anything I can do for you? Let me share something with you that has come up for me recently that I would love for us to be able to talk about, right?

Kevin Anthony 15:31
So this is most likely a bit longer of a sit down than the weekly check ins, because, again, it’s been a longer period of time, there’s potentially more to discuss, but I think this is where most couples you know should be in the place of at least once a month, sitting down and checking in. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen things in a relationship shift dramatically one way or another, whether it’s a breakup or somebody wants a divorce, or they suddenly show up with this major issue, and now the relationship is in crisis, whereas the day before, the other person was thinking everything was great, the reason why those things appear to happen so suddenly is because people aren’t doing regular check ins. So these types of bigger issues that you know, tend to pop up in relationships, they’ve generally been sort of brewing underneath the surface for a long time, but because people weren’t doing check-ins and they weren’t sharing these things with each other, the other person has no idea that it’s happening.

Kevin Anthony 16:50
And then when they do, the other person is finally like, that’s it. I’ve had enough. I’ve got to talk about this; the other person feels completely and totally blindsided by it, because they never saw it coming. So monthly check-ins are just a great way to really keep a pulse on what’s happening in the relationship. Where are you each at? And that way, if something does come up, you have the opportunity to course correct it before it gets out of hand. Now, think about if something just came up since the last check-in, and it’s roughly a month later, it probably hasn’t had much time to build. There hasn’t probably been much time for resentment to really build, for things to really get out of hand. So you have an opportunity to sort of nip it in the bud before it gets, you know, out of hand, before it goes too far, before the resentment builds, before there’s anger, before there’s irreparable harm to the relationship.

Kevin Anthony 17:57
And I’ll say this too, you know, I’ve been talking a lot about these check-ins from the context of there’s something wrong, or there’s something that needs to be fixed. But that’s not the only time or the only reason why check-ins are a good idea. Check-ins can simply be to really celebrate the things that are going well in the relationship. And I really want to make that point here. Don’t look at check-ins as simply a tool to solve problems. It’s great for that, yes, and it’s also great for celebrating the wins in your relationship. And I think that’s a really important thing to do in any relationship. You know, we are, as humans, wired to always see and anticipate the problems and the things that could go wrong. And we are so good at that, because our survival depends on it, that we often forget to quote, unquote, stop and smell the roses, right?

Kevin Anthony 19:03
And I think it’s just as important in any relationship to really stop and take time to appreciate the things that are going well, that are working right, you know, maybe celebrate a win and how you handled the situation previously. Just appreciate each other, right? I teach the appreciation game all the time on this show. So do that, if there isn’t anything that needs to be dealt with, you know that needs to potentially be fixed, use your monthly check-in to celebrate how things have been going. Hey, you know, it’s time for our monthly check-in, and I just really want to celebrate that this month has been amazing. I felt really connected to you. I’ve really been appreciating our level of communication. I love how we handled that situation with whatever it was, right? All of these things are great.

Kevin Anthony 20:00
You can do it once a month in your monthly check-ins. So, you know, you should, especially if you’ve been listening to this show, you know, I talk all the time about the idea of appreciating each other, you know, as you go along and you know, these monthly check ins are a really great way to do that, to appreciate each other, to sort of stoke the fires of the relationship and keep it healthy. And, yeah, so when it comes to monthly check ins, that’s, that’s what I’m telling you. Oh, the other thing I wanted to share with you is that you also know that I’m a big proponent of date nights, right? And so I always tell my clients, schedule a date night. Have a date night on your calendar and stick with it. It’s important. And so this is just something that you can do once a month on your date night. Therefore, you don’t have to make it a whole separate thing.

Kevin Anthony 21:05
Now you can, if you want to make it a separate thing, especially if there’s something challenging you want to deal with. Maybe, maybe date night is not the best night, because date night is when you really want to reconnect. But I say that you can make it your date night, because a lot of times when I talk about the things that you should be doing in your relationship to nurture, oh, man, that’s a lot of work. I got to do this, and I got to schedule that. I got to do this, and I got to do that. First of all, that’s the wrong attitude, right? Because your relationship is one of the most important things in your life, and you want to take the time to nurture the things that are important in your life. So one, you should be changing your attitude. And two, if life really is that busy, then just, you know, do what they call habit stacking, right?

Kevin Anthony 21:52
So you’ve already got your date night that’s happening every week, right? So you want to add a monthly check-in to it, or even a weekly then just do it. You know, it doesn’t have to be the whole date night, but, you know, set aside 30 minutes, an hour tops, if there’s something really needs to be talked about, to do your weekly or monthly check-in that way. It’s not an extra thing. It’s already on the calendar, and it just it makes life a little bit easier. So I think monthly check-ins are the sweet spot. I think every single couple should be doing monthly check-ins. I think it’s a great opportunity to stay on track, keep up with where each other is at in the relationship, and, of course, celebrate wins and things that are really going well for you. So that’s the idea of the monthly check-in. I took a little bit more time to talk about that one, because I think, as I said, that’s the sweet spot, and that’s the one that everybody really should be doing on a regular basis. So provided that you’re not in any sort of crisis mode in your relationship, I suggest if you aren’t doing a monthly check in to do it. And of course, I’ll talk about how it’s coming up soon.

Kevin Anthony 23:06
The last one is the yearly check-ins. So yearly check-ins are like a once-a-year thing. Now you can do this at the beginning of the year, New Year’s. You know, if you don’t like the Gregorian calendar, you can do it at the Chinese New Year. You can do it on a birthday. You can do it on an anniversary. It doesn’t really matter when you do it; find the sort of yearly date that works best for you. But the idea here is you want to, once a year, check in, and you’re going to be checking in here on the bigger picture items of life. So, you know, these are long-term goals for your life, long-term goals for your relationship. So they could be things like, you know, okay, it’s been another year. Where are you at? Are you still happy being together? Are you still happy being married? Is there anything that you would really like to change in the relationship, right?

Kevin Anthony 24:13
So those are the types of things that you can talk about. You can also talk about life goals, right? So, you know, especially earlier on, you know, in the earlier years of your relationship, you might have goals like, hey, within, you know, three to five years, maybe we’d like to have kids, or maybe we’d like to buy a house or move to a new place or change careers, right? There’s a lot of those sort of big picture life things that you know you sort of have on your agenda. And so the yearly check-ins are a great way to check in on those things. Like, hey, you know, we decided last year that we wanted to do X. Right? Do we still want to do that? Does that still seem like it’s in our best interest? Has life changed? Has something new come up, and now we want to go in a different direction? And honestly, you know, with a lot of these bigger type things, one of the things that I see is, you know, if couples talk about them at all. They talk about them once, and they don’t revisit it again until something major changes and again. This is, this is kind of why sometimes people get caught off guard.

Kevin Anthony 25:33
So, for instance, it may be like, hey, in the next three to five years, you know, we have decided that we are ready to move. We want to go to a new state or a new country or whatever it is, right? And everybody’s like, yeah, okay, we’re in agreement. That sounds like a great idea. And then, like, three years later, somebody decides, Okay, I think I’m in a place now where I can start making this happen, and then they go to the other person, like, so I was thinking, we should start doing this like, we should start looking, you know, for real estate in such and such an area. And the other person’s like, Why? Why would you want to do that? Well, remember three years ago, we talked about the fact that, you know, you know, by three to five years we wanted to move to, you know, a different place. And the other person’s like, oh yeah, oh yeah. I kind of, I kind of remember we talked about that, yeah, you know, I’m good here. I don’t think that’s, you know, really something I want to do at this point in life. And then the other person’s like, what I’ve been like, sort of in the back of my mind, thinking about this and working towards that all these years, right?

Kevin Anthony 26:47
So those are some of the disconnects that can happen when you’re not checking in on some of the bigger issues. So what are, you know, some of the bigger issues that people tend to check in and I mentioned some of them already, but it’s like kids, career, living situation. Those are, of course, some of the biggest ones, but there can be other ones as well. So the idea is, you know, once a year you sit down and you talk about it. Okay, where are we at? Are we still working towards this goal that we talked about, this thing that we said we wanted to do, and if so, are the same action steps that we talked about still relevant, right?

Kevin Anthony 27:32
Maybe some of those action steps have changed, or maybe our timeline for making this thing happen has changed. So these are all things that you want to do at the yearly check-ins. And it’s, I think it’s actually really fun, because it really helps you refocus on where you’re at, and that way everybody stays on the same page, and you’re always working towards the same goals. Nobody feels like they’re in the dark or being left out or unsure of what’s happening. And make it fun. You know, I always look at the yearly check-ins, and I like to do them around the start of the new year. That’s just how I’ve always done them. It just seems like a good marker. I mean, it is, if you’re familiar with how the calendars were created, somewhat arbitrary, but whatever, we just need a point in time, right? That marks another year, and so I like to do it then. And for me, I think it’s fun, because it kind of helps me dream again. You know, we get so caught up in the day-to-day of life that we don’t often, or often enough, take the time to sit there and really dream about what we want to create in the future.

Kevin Anthony 28:55
And so I look at the yearly check-in process as exactly that. It’s my partner and I sitting down and, yeah, dreaming about what the next year or years will bring. So, yeah, I think that is a really fun thing to do, and something that really everybody should be doing. So those are the different types of check ins, and when you would want to use them, I would say, unless you have a particular, you know, challenge that’s really alive, that is important, you know, like I said, kind of emergency situation most couples should have, you know, a somewhat short monthly check in, and then maybe a little bit longer yearly check in.

Kevin Anthony 29:50
And if you’re doing those things, you will find that. Uh, you’ll always be on the same page. You’ll always know where each other is at. You won’t be, you know, caught by surprise by anything, and you’ll find that your partner will feel a lot safer in the relationship, because they’ll know where they stand. They’ll know where the relationship stands. And it is just a fantastic way to facilitate communication. So those are the different types. Those are some reasons why you would want to do it. Those are the situations in which you would want to do it. So I need to take a break, but on the other side of the break, when we come back, I want to kind of walk you through what a process looks like.

Kevin Anthony 30:43
And you know, I’m using the term process, don’t worry about it. It’s not complicated. It’s not something you like. Oh man, I gotta do this whole Oh god, I gotta process again. Process is a little bit of a four-letter word sometimes in communities like the poly community, because people feel like they’re constantly processing something that’s happening. I don’t mean it in a negative way at all. I just mean that there are some steps to facilitate you doing these check-ins in an effective way, and that’s what we’re going to talk about when I come back from the break.

Kevin Anthony 31:21
All right, are you a couple? Are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there changes you would like to make, but just don’t know how? Maybe you think there is nothing that can be done if you’re not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life. Go to Kevin Anthony coaching, Comm, forward slash couples, and schedule a strategy. Call with me today so we can map out a strategy to get you where you want to be, so you can have it all your way. Now is the time. Now is always the time. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/couples/. There is so much that we can do in that container, working together. And in that container, I do sessions with both of you together, and I do sessions with you one-on-one. And I do that because that allows us, of course, to work together, but also to talk about things that maybe you don’t want to share in front of your partner. It also allows us to focus in on our in using our time efficiently, like there’s something that only one person needs to work on, right? And we can laser focus in on that without the other person just sitting there the whole time going, Okay, this session doesn’t really have anything to do with me, so there’s a lot that we can work on. Check-ins are one of them. Obviously, I’m basically teaching you how to do them here in this episode. But a lot of times, couples find it really helpful to have a guide to step them through this process a couple of times so that they start to get it down. Because, you know, it’s always harder when you’re in it, right? So https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/couples/. Check that out if you are seeking help in your relationship.

Kevin Anthony 33:16
Okay, so I want to walk you through the steps for doing proper relationship check-ins. The first thing is, you’ve got to put this on the calendar. I talked about it before, right? And I said, you know, you can habit stack. You can put it in with your date nights, if you need to, but when it comes to doing relationship check-ins, like they actually have to happen. So get it on your calendar. Once you’ve done that and you’re sitting down to actually do a relationship check-in, there are steps I have let me see here, five steps to doing a proper relationship check-in. So step one, start by sharing appreciations. So you want to take turns sharing whatever appreciations are alive for each of you in the moment. So this starts out the check-in process in a positive space. The problem that a lot of people get into when they’re like, Okay, we’re going to do a check-in.

Kevin Anthony 34:26
It’s kind of like George’s dad, you know, in Seinfeld. If you ever watched that, if you’re old enough to have seen that, right? George’s dad on Festivus is like, now it’s time for the airing of the grievances. I got a lot of bones to pick with you people, right? And that’s how a lot of people start their check-in process, right? It’s just right off to bitching about whatever they’re upset about from the start. And that immediately starts the process off from a negative, sort of, you know, energy. In space. And what you want is you want to calm everything, and you want to start it off in a positive space, right? So because it might get a little tense, might get a little emotional if there’s something big that needs to be discussed, right?

Kevin Anthony 35:14
And so the more you can set the container, and the more that you can create a positive space for the discussion, the easier the discussion is going to be, and so a great way to do that is to simply start by sharing appreciations. Each person takes turns sharing a couple of things that you appreciate about the other person and or the relationship boom. Now everybody feels happy. They feel good. It’s hard to be angry when you hear something that somebody’s telling you that they love and appreciate about you. So now we’re starting in a good space. So step two then is talk about things that are going well, working, and or improving, right? So I shared some appreciations. I really, you know, love the way that you do this, or I really appreciate the way you’ve been doing that. And I really love how, you know, wonderful our relationship has been, you know, this past month, or months, or whatever it is.

Kevin Anthony 36:17
And then in Step two, it’s like, okay, it’s more specific. Here are some things since our last check-in that I think have really been going well, that have really been working well, right? Because, again, nobody wants to hear that everything they’re doing is wrong or bad, or they’ve screwed up yet again, or they have to fix something else, right? I mean, I’m not saying don’t talk about those things, because we’ll get to that in step three, but in step two, the idea really is to share about the things that are going well, so that the other person knows that, okay, not everything is bad, not everything is wrong. It’s not just about bitching about this, that or the other thing. There are things that are actually going right. There should be something, even if the relationship is really struggling, there’s got to be something that you can share in that step, that is helpful, that is going well, that you can appreciate. And you know, if you have to prepare, if you need some time ahead before you sit down with your partner to come up with something, do it take the time? This is an important step. Don’t skip over it, all right.

Kevin Anthony 37:36
Step three: Now you get to talk about any concerns or areas that need to be addressed. This is where it generally gets tricky and where it generally gets challenging. This is where the emotions come up. This is where the tensions, you know, start to rise. What I suggest here is to use, you know, what I call the communication Best Practices tools. I don’t have time in this episode to go through that. That’s like a whole other mini masterclass that I often teach, this idea of using communication best practices and tools. I Yeah, but that’s how you want to approach these challenging things. So there are things like, you know, communicating in I statements, taking responsibility for your part in whatever the situation is. It’s remaining calm, right? It’s speaking from a place of emotional intelligence. It is, you know, maybe chunking down communication into smaller chunks and giving the person an opportunity to process them. It’s asking for feedback. It’s all those kinds of things, right?

Kevin Anthony 38:56
And there’s, there’s a lot more tools than that. Those are just thrown out of the top of my head, a few of those things. So when you do get to step three, and you are sharing with each other the things that are more challenging, right? What you really want to do is use those communication best practices so that you can facilitate an emotionally mature and calm conversation that actually leads you in the direction of solving whatever challenges might be there, as opposed to just creating more divide. So that’s step three. Step four is what is one thing your partner can do to help you, to help make you feel more connected, supported, and loved.

Kevin Anthony 39:47
So, you know, in step three, you just shared something that was challenging, something that was difficult, something that maybe you weren’t happy about, maybe it got a little tense, maybe it didn’t. So. Now we start to bring things back into the positive by sharing something that your partner can do to help you, make you feel more connected, supported, or loved. So we just talked about this challenging situation and this thing that’s not happening in the relationship. But here’s one thing that you could do that I would really appreciate, that would help me feel more connected to you. That would help me feel like, you know, I’m supported through this challenge, or you know, that would demonstrate to me that even though we’re going through a challenging time, that there’s still a lot of love there, and that you still love and appreciate me. So that’s step four, right?

Kevin Anthony 40:45
So you can see we started in the positive in steps one and two, right? We got into some of the challenges in step three. Now in step four, we’re coming in, and we’re bringing it back around. We’re trying to end on a positive or a high note, right? Where we get to ask for something that we need that would make us feel better, when that thing is not just I need you to change. You need to stop that behavior. That’s not what we’re talking about. Remember, this is one thing that makes you feel more connected, supported, or loved, right? So what I could love, or what I could use from you is, you know, a hug, or, you know, you know, assure me it’s going to be all right, or, you know, whatever it is like, find what would make you feel a little bit more connected, supported or loved. That’s the idea in four, and then that brings us to step five. And step five is to check to see if both parties feel complete. Summarize any action items and close with gratitude.

Kevin Anthony 41:49
So you’re right. You’ve come full circle now, right? And now you’re checking at the end, and you go, Okay, do you feel complete now? Does that mean you have to feel complete that the situation is completely resolved and everything is normal? No, it does not mean that, but I mean it could; however, it likely won’t. And so, really, do we feel complete for now? Do we feel complete in this moment? Do we feel good about wrapping it up now, right? And then, of course, you get to summarize any action items. Okay, so what I got from this discussion is, I need to do this, this in this, does that sound correct? Is that? Is that what we discussed and talked about?

Kevin Anthony 42:40
And then the other person gets an opportunity to say, Yes, that’s what we talked about, or that’s almost. But there was that one thing we get to summarize that so that we’re both on the same page, and each partner gets to go and do that, so the other partner also gets to say, Okay and what I heard was, here are the things that I am going to do, and then just close with some gratitude, which is, you know, I’m really grateful that we’re able to have these types of conversations that we get to get closer to resolving whatever challenges are there that we can do so in an emotionally mature manner that brings us closer together, or or some version. I mean, that would be the best-case scenario, right?

Kevin Anthony 43:25
Hopefully, that’s where you get to as a result of this. But even if it’s not, find something that you can be grateful for to sort of wrap up and close out this discussion. So those are the five steps to a check-in process. Now, remember when I talked about check-ins earlier? I talked about, you know, we had the dailies, the weeklies, the monthlies, and the yearlies. And, you know, this process might look a little different in some of those. In other words, it might be a lot faster. You might go through the steps a lot quicker. If it’s a daily check-in for something that’s an emergency. You might not even do all the steps. You might just start with step one, go straight to step three, and then jump right into step five. It’s a framework. It’s a guide. Just use it to help you get the general flow of how to go through this process and modify it as you see fit. You know, if there are some things that you might want to tweak that work better for you, by all means, do that. I just want to wrap up this with reading some sample questions for you, to give you an idea of the types of things that you can potentially ask.

Kevin Anthony 44:48
So I created this list. I actually sourced this from an article. It was actually a parade.com. I was researching this when I was putting together this. Mini master class that I often give to my couples. And I found this list of questions. And actually, even though I didn’t think the source was necessarily the best source, like, it’s a magazine-type website, and a lot of times those are kind of so. So when doing research, I tend to prefer, you know, things that are more like coming from psychologists and stuff like that. But be that as it may, I thought this list was actually really good, so I incorporated it here into the show. So what are some of those? Do you feel like we’re spending enough time together? I mean, man, that’s a great question to ask, because there are definitely assumptions made on that one all the time. Is there anything you wish we did more of? Another great question, right? What are the things I did in the past month or week that you appreciate and made you feel loved? Is there anything that’s been bothering you that we haven’t talked about yet?

Kevin Anthony 46:12
And you can start to see, as I read these, where they like, what steps they might fit in in that prior process. What do you want us to work on together? How do you think our communication has been going lately? A lot of couples struggle with communication, so checking in every once in a while, like, Hey, I’ve really been actively trying to communicate better. Has it been working better for you? Am I doing a good job? Is there something else you know that I could potentially be doing? What are your personal goals this month? How can I help you support them? Or how can I help support them? Are there any new experiences you’d like to have, right? Is there anything you need that I haven’t been fulfilling? That’s a tough one that people probably don’t want to ask because they’re afraid of what the answer is going to be. But it’s a great question, right?

Kevin Anthony 47:10
What can I do to make your days better or easier? What am I doing now that you really like or appreciate? What do you see as my biggest growth areas to improve on? Like, that’s a great one for a yearly check-in, right? I mean, because it’s hard to see those things ourselves, right? So we can ask our partner, nobody should know us better than our partner does. And so you know, you do a yearly check-in, like, what do you see? And you know, if you’re with this person, I assume this is somebody that you trust and that you value their opinions on. I can’t imagine why you’d be somebody you don’t trust and don’t value their opinions with. So it’s a great question to ask at, say, a yearly check-in. Is there anything that I used to do at the beginning of our relationship, but don’t do as often now that you’d like me to start again, you can see why when I was doing the research and I came across this list, I was like, Man, these are the, almost the exact questions I would have written down if I sat to write my own list.

Kevin Anthony 48:13
Is there anything that’s been stressful for you lately that I should be aware of? Have you been generally happy lately? If not, why is there, excuse me, anything that you’d like to do differently or try in the bedroom? Hey, there’s a great fun question. Hey, anything you want to do differently in the bedroom? Wink, wink. What are you looking forward to this week or this month? That’s it. That’s a great one for the weekly and monthly check-ins. What are you looking forward to? What lights you up? How can I help support it, right? Is there anything you’d like to discuss about our goals for our future? That’s another great long-term thing, you know, to address changes, updates, things like that. What are some ways we can have more fun in our relationship? Oh, man, hey, there’s a really good one, right? Because you’ve been maybe you’ve been together for a long time, and young people tend to get complacent. And yeah, it’s unfortunate, but it’s true that sometimes things just the fun stuff you used to do, just fall by the wayside and you’re not doing it anymore. So ask a question: how can we have more fun? I mean, that’s a great one. When was the last time your partner said, Hey, how could we have more fun together? Right now, that’s a great question. I love my partner to ask that question. Do you feel close to me lately? It’s getting at the perceived feeling of connection in the relationship.

Kevin Anthony 49:58
Do you feel like anything has been missing from our relationship? How do you think we’ve been doing with resolving conflicts? How are you feeling about your self-care habits? That’s a good one to check in like, you know, especially when we’re all super busy in life, and sometimes those self-care habits tend to fall by the wayside. Are there any important upcoming dates or times I should be aware of so anything I need to know of, maybe something you forgot to mention? Yeah, that could be a good one, especially for a weekly weekly check in. Is there anything else you’d like to talk about simple, open-ended question, right?

Kevin Anthony 50:45
So that was actually 25 different questions. And like, as I mentioned before, that came from a parade.com article. It was actually relationship-checking questions, so you can go look that up there. I thought they were really fantastic questions. And many of those questions are the exact questions that I would want to ask when doing check-ins. So that gives you an idea of the types of things that you can do. So let’s say you’re going to be doing a check-in and you’re like, Okay, we’re supposed to do this check-in. What do I ask? I don’t know where to start. There you go. You know, pick a couple of those questions. Obviously, you don’t have to do all 25 of them. You can do different ones at different times and different check-ins.

Kevin Anthony 51:31
But, you know, pick a couple of them and just use those as a starting point. And don’t be afraid to come up with your own questions, ones that are relevant to your specific situation, your relationship, things that are up for you or your partner, and yeah, all of this is designed to facilitate more communication, and that’s really the goal here. We want to facilitate communication and connection, because those two things are absolutely critical to a happy, healthy, you know, long-term relationship. So, you know, it’s way too easy. It is way too easy, even for, you know, those of us that are supposedly the experts, it’s way too easy with busy life to get out of the habit of doing these things, and so when we put just even a little bit of structure around it, we can keep it going in a way that’s sustainable, that doesn’t feel like too much work, and that really helps nurture the relationship.

Kevin Anthony 52:33
So there you go. That is the powerful relationship practice of check-ins. I hope you learned something in this episode. And if you’re not doing check-ins, first of all, why not? And second of all, then I say, take the information in this episode and put it into practice in your relationship, I guarantee you you will see an improvement. You will absolutely see things shift in your relationship. All right, everybody. That is all I have for this episode, and I will see you next week.

Kevin Anthony 53:19
I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe, leave me a review, and share it with your friends, and for more free exclusive content, join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening, and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!