What Does It Mean To Be A Healthy Masculine Man In Modern Society?

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom, and your relationships.

All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 306. And it’s titled, What does it mean to be a healthy masculine in modern society, I am really excited to have this conversation. If you’ve been listening to the Love Lab podcast for any amount of time, you know that this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. I have talked about it in various different ways on this show in the past. And I really feel as you know, longtime listeners who knew Céline, when she was here on the show with me, you would know that this was also something she was very passionate about. And she was really working hard from the female perspective, to get men to sort of see it from this point of view, to be able to step into their masculine, she was a huge champion of men really being in their masculine.

So it’s really work that is personal for me, and as it was for her. And I think it’s so needed and important today, there’s so much pressure on men not to do the things that we’re going to talk about today. So I think it’s really important that the message gets out there and that men hear that message in a way that is healthy. Because there’s a lot of people out there teaching different things about masculine-feminine dynamics. And some of it’s really great and some of it’s really just a bunch of BS that really doesn’t help men or the dynamic of relationships. So I think it’s really important that we get some good positive messaging out there about what it really means. So if you’re watching this show on YouTube, right now, you can see that I have a guest, who I’ll introduce in a moment and he is really going to help us unpack this, so I’m excited to get to the conversation.

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Okay, my guest today is GS Youngblood. He coaches men in relationships, how to live love and lead from their masculine core. He does this using the principles of relational masculinity, which is the capacity to be grounded in your own power, while still being relational with your feminine partner. I know we’re going to talk about that today. He is the author of The Masculine in Relationship, and the companion course The Art of Relational Masculinity. He also wrote the Art of Embodiment for Men, which teaches men how to build and maintain a daily embodiment practice, which is the number one thing a man can do to build his masculine core. His work in this domain of masculine leadership pulls in principles from a variety of fields, including psychology, men’s work, spirituality, martial arts, Tango, meditation, and even BDSM. So welcome to the show. GS.

GS Youngblood 3:50
Yeah, thank you for having me on.

Kevin Anthony 3:52
I, you know, I told you this in the pre-interview, and just before we got started here, and I just said it in the intro again, but I’m excited to have this conversation. This is something that I think is super important. So I’m just literally I’m going to dive in head first, there’s no like, you know, dipping in with a toe, we just gotta go straight there. Because I have a whole bunch of questions that all sort of rely on understanding what it is we’re really going to be talking about. So my first question is, you don’t have to go into super detail because we’re gonna break it down as we go. But can you define what it means to be a healthy masculine man in today’s world, like, what are we even talking about when we say here’s how to be a healthy masculine man?

GS Youngblood 4:36
Yeah, it was really important to me to define something that was simple and actionable for guys. And that’s what the masculine blueprint is. I mean, that’s the answer to your question is, the qualities in the masculine blueprint are what I think are part of the model of a healthy, masculine in our modern time. And so number one, it’s about getting grounded. Number two, it’s about bringing leadership into the relationship. And number three, it’s about building emotional connection and safety for your woman. If you’re a guy who embodies those three qualities, you will occur to the world as more masculine.

Kevin Anthony 5:11
Yeah, that’s great. I love how you’re keeping that simple. Now, of course, we’re going to dive into each one of those three things a bit deeper as we go along. But I just wanted people to have sort of a framework of what does it actually mean to be a healthy masculine man. Especially, you know, I love the fact that there are a lot of people out there talking about this now, right? Because for a while there wasn’t it other than Oh, it’s all just toxic, right? And then, you know, there were, of course, the David Dieda’s who’ve been around forever. But, you know, a lot of people when his work came out, they either loved it and thought it was the greatest thing ever, or they absolutely hated it, right? My personal opinion is, is that anybody who hated it either didn’t understand it, or that was actually what they needed.

And they were just, you know, they had a reaction because they knew that’s what they needed. But be that as it may, it took a while, I think for these teachings to really come to the forefront and become more popular like they are today. And I’m really glad that that is the case. And at the same time, now that it is more popular, it’s starting the waters are getting muddied a little bit. So I really wanted to make sure that we had that clear. So the next question then is, okay, we defined what this sort of healthy masculine is, is it possible for any man, regardless of how big he is? Or how masculine he looks? Or how deep his voices are, how much money he has? Is this really possible for any man to become?

GS Youngblood 6:39
Yeah, you hit it on the head, and you describe it exactly how I do. It’s like, Look, guys, you don’t have to be taller, more muscular, smarter, more wealthy, more clever, better looking, etc, etc. To be, you know, quote, unquote, more masculine. And I tried to, when I went into this process of writing the book, I wanted to go much, much deeper than that. And like, what are the qualities of a guy that appear more masculine in this world? And that’s what I distilled out was the three qualities that I mentioned earlier. And yeah, any man, I mean, I wrote about this in the book, I think. I remember meeting this dude at a workshop. He’s literally five foot four. I mean, he’s a little dude. But there was something about him that just had me respect his presence. And, and I could feel him when he was in the room.

And I, I talked to him about what that was about him. I asked him if he knew and one of the answers he gave me as he had studied Krav Maga. And so there was a certain amount of power inside himself that he derived from Krav Maga that helped him have a very grounded presence. And that’s one of the first that is the first elements of this blueprint that I’ve been talking about is getting more grounded and responding versus reacting. And he had that in spades because of his martial arts work. And so, again, you don’t have to be more of anything to do this. You can cultivate these qualities within you. And then there’s the Okay, well, how do I do that? And that’s the work that I do with men through coaching and workshops, and my online courses.

Kevin Anthony 8:10
Yeah, I love that you brought up the martial arts part with your example because that is something that is near and dear to my heart, as a multi-discipline martial artist myself, I can personally vouch for how that gives you the confidence to really step up and do that. So I love that I imagine we’ll talk more about some of the possibilities of the house as we go a little further on. But I’m really glad that you shared the fact that any man can do this, that is a huge part of the message that I want the listeners to get out of this today. I want them to understand what it means to be a healthy masculine, I want them to know that anybody can do it. And I want to kind of lay a little fire under their ass and give them some motivation to actually want to do this. So yeah, I’m glad that we covered that part. And, you know, I know I haven’t had a chance to read your entire book yet. But I have gotten through some of the book and just right off in the introduction, you actually mentioned your own personal story with your previous marriage. And I’m wondering, you know, when you were in that marriage, prior to, you know, sort of figuring out this blueprint, you know, would you have seen it from the same point of view that you do today? And if not, what sort of got you to make that switch?

GS Youngblood 9:35
I probably say this on every podcast, but failure was my motivation. I mean, the marriage failed in a spectacular ball of flames, and in a way that was particularly painful for me. And that was my fuel because I knew there was one I knew I didn’t want to live my life the way that I felt in the latter part of that marriage, and in the end, I just, I couldn’t live my life like that anymore. I knew there had to be a better way. So I set out on that path fueled by the pain of my failure, which is what I consider to be it was a failure of my ability to step into the relational space in a powerful way. But I knew there had to be a better way that was my motivation to, you know, pay 1000s and 1000s of dollars and spend many weekends with David Dieda and other people that I’ve trained with over the years. And, you know, I was on a 15-year path of my own training, all fueled by my failure.

Kevin Anthony 10:31
Well, failure is an amazing motivator.

GS Youngblood 10:35
You don’t learn shit from success, because you you don’t know why you got successful. It just happens. But failure, it really creates that drive and that grit through pain. And that’s, that’s a particularly masculine thing we learn through pain. That’s one of our primary teachers, unfortunately.

Kevin Anthony 10:52
Yes, it is, you know, it’s funny, because I never really thought when I was younger, that that was part of, you know, sort of being masculine. I just kind of figured, like, cuz that’s been that’s been my story. My whole life was sort of, why do I always have to learn things the hard way, right? Why do I actually have to experience the pain in order to figure it out? But that’s always been, you know, sort of the story of my life as I’ve gone along. And so it’s interesting now from a more mature perspective, to realize that that really is that is the hero’s journey, right? So that’s all part of it. And I think if we can embrace that, and come to accept it, it makes it a whole lot easier to go through it.

GS Youngblood 11:33
It’s so true. But the thing that has to happen before the hero’s journey is you got to wake the fuck up. Yes, yeah. I mean, you get this, it’s, and that’s what, that’s what I didn’t do until that point in my life, when life said, Oh, you’re not going to wake up on your own, you know, and I’m gonna give you a little slap to, to help wake you up. And, you know, guys, one of the things you can get out of the book is you, I talk a lot about what the markers of a relationship that exhibit that results from you not stepping into your masculine. And I go through all that, and you can use this blueprint as a diagnostic, you know, do I get defensive when my woman gets upset? Be honest with yourself. Or the answer for most guys, it’s Yeah, I do get defensive. Do I deny her feelings?

Because I think they don’t necessarily match the facts. When you do things like that you don’t come off as a grounded man, as a responsive man, you come off as a very reactive and scared man. Do you are you leading, you know? Are you bringing leadership into your logistical life? Your emotional life and your sexual life? Be honest with yourself. If you’re not, that’s probably part of the root cause of some of your relationship problems. And again, are you creating emotional safety and connection? Are you creating financial and physical safety? If the answer is honestly, no, it’s most likely a contributor to your relationship problems.

So you can use the blueprint as a diagnostic to wake up and say, you know, what, I’m not being my, my full self, I’m not being a fully holistic and grounded man in this relationship. And guess what, it probably explains some of the things that are driving you nuts about your relationship, or irritability, her criticism, or lack of sexual desire, et cetera, et cetera. That’s, that’s what I’m trying to point out with this work, Kevin is just, you know, your relationship problems are often the result of this lack of masculine-feminine polarity. And that’s, that’s what I’m trying to get guys to do is to wake up to that fact. And then from there, go do something about it.

Kevin Anthony 13:35
Yeah, you are absolutely correct. And I love that you started to go there, because my next question really was, you know, what are some of the dynamics that you’re seeing today, in relationships and with men that are contributing to these problems? And you kind of talked about some of them? I don’t know if there’s any, other that you want to share. Or like a specific one that you see commonly?

GS Youngblood 13:59
Yeah, you’re talking about sort of the symptoms of a relationship that that men would notice. Okay. Yeah, I’ll repeat myself a little bit here. Irritability. I mean, so many of my clients, their women are just irritable. It’s like, she’s, you have to be this cranky all the time? Well, it’s usually it’s usually the symptom that results from you not stepping up in the relationship criticism, or second-guessing is a huge one. When she doesn’t trust your lead, maybe because it’s been a bad lead or it’s been a non it’s been an absent lead. Then she’s gonna second guess and criticize a lot and that’s pretty hard for guys. Our core needs for Well, I’ll say many minutes core need is to feel competent, like you know, you know what the hell you’re doing in life and your woman trusts you and wants to follow your lead, but she’s not feeling that she’s gonna get critical. A big one is a lack of interest in sexuality. I mean, this is such a complaint for so many men.

And guess what, guys? If our heart is not open, if she’s not feeling safe, if she’s not feeling you’re grounded, if she’s not feeling a certain sense of relaxation and surrender and your lead, of course, she doesn’t want to have sex, like, of course. And so, so many of my clients come to me and they in this in our first session, they want to talk about the lack of sexuality and what he should do about that at more of a symptom level, but I’m always very clear, it’s like get guys, let’s look at let’s go figure out why she’s not interested in sexuality. And there’s always usually an emotional connection-related issue when there’s a lack of sexuality, so, so those are some of the symptoms that I see pretty consistently across, my client base.

Kevin Anthony 15:44
Yeah, absolutely. And one of the things I think that’s hardest to get men to understand is they look at those symptoms, right? She’s irritable, she’s complaining, she doesn’t want to have sex, whatever they are, as there’s something wrong with her. Right? This is her problem. Why she’s such a bitch. You know, why is she always nitpicking? And really what they need to be doing is exactly what you just said is, you know, turning around looking in the mirror, and going, where am I not showing up in this relationship? Why is she so irritable? You know, why is she constantly nitpicking? And, you know, you hit on one of the absolute key things, which is she doesn’t trust you. Now, I say this a lot of times to men, and they’re like, What do you mean, she knows that I would never hurt her. And I go, No, no, trust is so much bigger than just her physical safety. They mean, that every time you don’t follow through with something that you said you were going to do, she loses the trust. Right? And so then why is she nitpicking? Why? She constantly says, What? Are you going to do this? Or are you going to do that? Because she doesn’t trust you’re actually going to do it.

GS Youngblood 16:58
So true. And I want to amplify one thing that you said of, that the men’s attention is often on her and what she needs to do. And I think what you and I are both saying is no, no, you got to look at yourself. Now a lot of guys will interpret that as it’s all your fault. She’s, she’s a she’s an angel, and it’s all it’s all your fault. And then the next thing they say is, why do I always have to be the one that sort of needs to step forward and fix things? I want to say, Hey, guys, gotta turn that around. Because what we’re saying is not that it’s your fault. What we’re saying is that you solely have the power to fix this, you don’t need her to make a decision to be different, and then do the work to be different, you hope she will and a mature woman well, but you don’t need her to, what you’re going to do is change how you are that’s going to evoke something different from her.

And she’ll change without even knowing it at that point. And so when you get more grounded when you lead more in the relationship, will you create more physical, financial, and emotional safety for her and your relationship? When you do those three things, she gets better, her behavior gets better, and the dynamic between the two of you gets better. And sometimes she doesn’t even know it. It’s just It’s just what is happening. For her. It’s like the, you know, the fish not even understanding that it’s in water. So what I want us to be is not a message of blame, but an hour a message like, dude, you’ve got the power to fix this without kind of hoping somebody else decides to be different. And, and I want men to take that as a very empowering message.

Kevin Anthony 18:33
Yeah, and thank you for clarifying that, because I didn’t want it to come across as being it’s all your fault, either. So I appreciate that. That clarification? Because it’s absolutely right. And this is, this is sort of a key tenant of sort of any coaching work that you’re doing in the personal space is that change always starts from within, right? So if your relationship dynamic isn’t working, or your work, relationship dynamic isn’t working, or your kids relationship, you know, dynamic isn’t working, it always starts from, you know, going inside figuring out, how can I show up better, how can I be a better version of myself, and you will see those dynamics shift. And I’ll add to that also, you know, my wife when she was alive, she did coaching work, as well. She worked with both men and women. And when she was working with women, she had a thing called the four C’s that she would teach women not to do, which is complaining, criticizing, competing, right? It’s like all these things. So we’re not saying men that it’s all your false and that if you could just, you know, be different if suddenly everything would be better. But if you can become a better version of yourself, you will see her shift and at the same time, the women have their side of the work to do as well and there are people out there helping the women with that side of the work.

GS Youngblood 19:49
Yeah, and the best way the best way to for guys that that are with a woman who absolutely needs to do some work. The best way to come to your woman and ask her You know, to do something to do some development work on herself is when you’ve already been bringing it for a while. And so, guys, don’t worry about her, bring it for six months, just bring your total a game after having done the work. And then at that point, you can say, You know what? There’s a dynamic in our in our relationship. Here’s what I’m experiencing with you. And I, it’s very important to me that you take a look at this, but you got to, you got to come with it first, before asking anybody else to do the work?

Kevin Anthony 20:28
I completely agree. And the other part you said there that I also like is, you said, bring it for six months, right? Because one of the things that I’ll often hear is, you know, I’ll work with men on this. And I’ll say, Okay, here’s how here’s how you got to show up, right? And then they come back to me two weeks later, their next coaching call, and they’re like, nothing’s changed. Like, it’s been two weeks, you spent how many years not showing up for her? Do you think she trusts you? Because you changed for two weeks? Right? You’re gonna need to show up consistently over and over and over again, so she can start to learn to trust you.

GS Youngblood 21:03
Yeah. And I’ll add to that, Kevin, it’s just it also doesn’t talk about what you’re working on. You know, look what I talked about with my coach today, as if somehow that means anything to her. That’s, you know, the guy tried to get brownie points for something he talked about with his coach, ya got to bring it, you got to live it, you got to embody it. And as we both said, over an extended period of time.

Kevin Anthony 21:25
Yes, that’s exactly it. You have to live it and embody it, you can’t show up and pretend to be it’s got to become who you are. Because even if you’re a really great pretender, you know, maybe a really good actor, you might, you might fool her for a little bit of the time. But eventually, she’s going to see right through it. And honestly, most in-tune women will see right through it from the beginning, but she will know when you’re faking it, or when you’ve really shifted and become it.

GS Youngblood 21:54
Any behavior that you’re mimicking, will go right out the window, when you get triggered, your new nervous system gets jacked. So she’s got to know it, because you’re going to just revert to your old behavior when you get jacked. And so you’ve got to be able to embody, when your trigger, that’s the that’s the big thing here.

Kevin Anthony 22:09
Yeah. And you know, when that happens, so let’s say you know, you managed to keep it for a couple of weeks, and then a situation happens, you get triggered and you revert back, man, that’s gonna actually do more damage, because then you know, you’re gonna go however many more weeks, and she’s still not going to trust you. In fact, she’s just going to be waiting for the hammer to drop.

GS Youngblood 22:29
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I can add to that, you hit it on the head, and you’re going to artificially raise expectations. And then when you dash them, you’re, you’re you’re behind square zero, you’re, you’re at square negative one. That’s exactly.

Kevin Anthony 22:41
Okay. So let’s step into the actual blueprint itself. And there are three main points to that. So let’s talk a little bit about each one. Just step us through the first one, you know, what, what is it? And you know, how can a man go about, you know, starting on that path?

GS Youngblood 23:00
Yeah, the first is just respond versus react. And, you know, this is the this is, this is the quality of a man who is very grounded, you know, his nervous system is settled, and there is a quality of stillness to him, that is palpable, you can just feel it in him. And when I say stillness, I’m not referring to stoicism, because stoicism is sort of like you’re just, you’re kind of contracted and you don’t engage at all, you’re just very silent. And you think that’s a good way to be, well, that’s going to drive the feminine nuts in like a nanosecond, if you’re stoic, engaged, there’s a very big difference between being grounded in being stoic. But in this is a quality of stillness, its quality of choice. fulness, you know, it’s not a guy that’s just reacting to every little thing in life, but he’s actually pausing and then choosing how he wants to be moment to moment.

So he’s pausing and choosing how he wants to speak, or respond, or gesture, or how he even physically moves through space, all of that is very chosen. And, you know, the totality of that is what I’m talking about when I when I refer to respond versus react. So in the book, I go over some things around emotions, you know, if your emotions are unacknowledged, they’re just running you from behind, you’re gonna be very reactive. So I go into a very masculine way to relate to your own emotions. And then I talk a lot about embodiment practice, as a as a method of getting your nervous system more grounded. In man, anybody who has heard me talk on a podcast like yours or other forums, I talk a lot about embodiment. So much so that I wrote my second book on embodiment, called The Art of Embodiment. In embodiment, practice is I say this all the time. It’s the number one thing a guy can do to build his masculine core.

The number one thing that you can do is have a daily embodiment practice. And so I guys, I really encourage you to look into this, whether it’s somebody else’s work or you want to look at my book, and In the online course that I have that’s associated with it, started daily practice, start to ground, your nervous system through these, through these practices. So those are the main things that I talked about in for the first element of the blueprint, which again is respond versus react. I’m gonna pause there for a second before I go into the next one.

Kevin Anthony 25:21
Perfect, because I got a couple of follow-up questions. So first, what would be some examples of embodiment practices that men could do? Just throw a couple out there. So they have somewhat of an idea like What is he talking about? Am I supposed to go take yoga class what am I supposed to learn how to kill people like say anything in between?

GS Youngblood 25:46
There, I mean, anybody that’s done a box breath, you’re you’re you’re starting to do an embodiment practice. And the reason the box breath is around embodiment is because, you know, when you breathe in that box cadence, as you do in that breath, you’re bringing a lot of intention into the breath, you know, breath is normally autonomic just happens. So to bring intention in the breath builds that muscle of pausing and choosing that I talked about relative to being grounded. So box breathing is one of those things, anybody that’s done, men’s work probably has done Ego Eradicator, you know, where you bring your arms up over your head, at 45 degrees, and then you got hit check your thumbs and you do Breath of Fire. That is an embodiment exercise because what it’s doing is bringing you face to face with a lot of physical intensity, it starts to hurt your delts pretty, you know, after a minute or two, depending on how strong you are.

And you’ve got to learn to sit with that intensity and make a new relationship to it. So as I lead that exercise, I’m teaching men little ways to make a different relationship to that kind of intensity. I do a lot of practice with gravity and feeling your weight on the ground. And using that as a sensation that you can tune into when you’re in a relational space with somebody. So if you’re, you and I are in a relational space, right now we’re talking, we’re looking at each other and hearing each other. But I can do practices around feeling my weight on this chair I’m sitting on and feeling that way, while I’m still experiencing you, that has the effect of kind of calming down my ruminating, defensive, calculating mind that might be going a million miles an hour, while you and I are talking. Like if we were in a more of a charged situation where our nervous systems were activated, remembering our weight, and feeling gravity, while we relate with others, is is the basis for a lot of the practices that I give. So those are just some of the I don’t know, high-level references to the kinds of embodiment practices that I do with guys.

Kevin Anthony 27:46
Yeah, that’s great. And I’m glad that you shared some of those things that aren’t necessarily combat sports, right? Because, again, like combat sports, you know, because it came up earlier, you know, with the example you used earlier in the show, and I mentioned, it’s something I love, it’s great, as far as you know, embodying your masculine, sort of warrior side, right. But it’s by no means the only way. And it’s, you know, some men gravitate towards that and love it, and some men don’t. And so I didn’t want people listening to this to think, Oh, now I gotta go out and do something that I really dislike doing. Right? There’s, there’s a whole range of different, you know, what you termed embodiment practices that you could potentially do to get you into this space that doesn’t require you to go out and get punched in the face repeatedly. Right?

GS Youngblood 28:34
Yeah, and you bring something up, guys, you guys will say to me, Well, I do love scheme. So is that embodiment? No, it’s not because it’s you using your body. And that’s very good. And that’s a precursor to it. But it doesn’t include the element, the relational elements that are so important, we’re training to embody, become more embodied in the world with other people, we’re not training to be, you know, in a cave somewhere by yourself. So if there’s not a relational element to the practices, is missing something. There’s not an awareness training that that is involved in a lot of the practices I do. We’re training where we put our awareness, you don’t do that while you’re skiing. You just ski. So this is more than just using your body embodiment is very specific practices that train your awareness and have a relational component to them as well.

Kevin Anthony 29:27
Yeah, that’s great. I like also that you mentioned box breathing. I had a client very recently, who I was teaching box breathing to in the context of being able to last longer in the bedroom and getting him to calm his nervous system down. And I actually, in the little handout I gave him it was called four-sided breathing because that’s just what you know, sometimes you’ll hear it referred to as that and that’s what we decided to call it. And he looks he goes, oh, oh, that’s box breathing. He’s like, I use that all that Time Well, because he runs a business, you know, and he’s the CEO of a company. He’s like, I use that all the time when I’m in like an important meeting, it never occurred to me to use it in this context. Right?

It’s just great that like, it really does work. And it has so many potential applications for how you use these types of things. You know, so like, in the, in his particular example, he was using it literally in board meetings, which is relational in itself, just as you were talking about, and yet it never occurred to him to use it in other relational situations.

GS Youngblood 30:41
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it’s all the same. I mean, workers can jack our nervous systems, but not quite as much as intimate relationships. But yeah, it’s, we want to be able to ground ourselves and then come at the world in all capacities from that more grounded place.

Kevin Anthony 30:56
Yeah, the last comment I just wanted to make before we move on to the second one, is this idea of responding rather than reacting, it’s just it’s so important, I had to reiterate it again, people to, to, really, I hope it sinks in, right? You cannot, as a masculine man, be in reaction mode to everything that the feminine is going to throw at you. Because she’s gonna throw stuff at you, right? You know, her hormones are changing and fluctuating all the time, there’s that I, you know, stuffs gonna happen, situations in life are gonna happen, you got kids, lots of situations are gonna happen, right? Things are gonna happen. And if you get in that reactive mode, where you’re reacting without really thinking about how you’re doing it, you were just going to create problem after problem after problem. And so number one may sound simple. Oh, you know, we just respond instead of react, but it’s huge is so huge. And that’s the point I wanted to make. Do not take number one lightly, the profound impact that that one change alone could make could really shift things.

GS Youngblood 32:06
Yeah. And that’s why it’s listed first, because it’s the foundational one, it’s really, it can be hard to lead. If you’re kind of jacked, it can be definitely hard to create an emotional connection when you’re jack. So yeah, there’s a reason that we leave with that, because it’s so foundational.

Kevin Anthony 32:20
Yep. Okay, so that takes us to the second one. Talk about the second part.

GS Youngblood 32:26
Yeah, this is about leadership, but it’s called provide structure. And so providing direction and structure, it’s like, what are we going to do? And how are we going to do it? And so this is the quality of a man who brings first and foremost a lot of clarity to the table, like, you can’t lead anybody unless you have inner clarity about what the moment calls for. It’s not just inner clarity about what you want, it’s inner clarity about what you want for starts there. But it also folds in the needs of others around you who are involved in this, we don’t we’re not trying to be narcissistic Dix, here,, we do want to take into account the needs and boundaries of other people.

So we have inner clarity that then gets expressed as outer direction, which may be decisiveness, you might just make a decision, or you’re the person who is just making sure a decision gets made. Like you don’t have to make all the decisions in life, you do want to fulfill the role of the person who’s making sure a decision gets made, and then everybody’s on the same page about that that’s clarity and alignment and structure. And that’s, that’s all part of the masculine gift that you can bring to the world is it’s kind of a bias for action, a bias for forward movement, a bias for clarity, and then making sure everybody’s tied into that clarity. That’s a beautiful, masculine presence in any situation. You know, as long as you’re not doing that in an overbearing way, like we’re not trying to train just Alpha energy, and everybody does it your way. We want to have more, we want to be more relational than that. So we do include other people.

But we don’t go into sort of an endless democracy spin where everybody gets a voice and nobody ever makes a decision. That’s where your bias for forward movement and action comes in. So that’s respond versus react. It’s that clarity that starts from the inside of them and gets expressed as outer direction and structure.

Kevin Anthony 34:20
Yeah, and you did such a good job of explaining the healthy way to do this. Because this is the area when it comes to masculine feminine dynamics that get so twisted and screwed up, out there in the ether, you know, a world of people teaching this stuff and how the idea of it gets misinterpreted, right, which is this idea of leading right? You’ll hear a lot of people teaching it, but you’ll often hear the sort of backlash to that is, you know, well I’m not a slave. I don’t want to be led like blah, blah, blah, that kind of stuff. And so you did a good job of saying this isn’t about it. dictating, right? So I always make the distinction, you know, dictating versus leading, right. And I love that part that you brought about, it’s like, you don’t even have to necessarily be the one to make the decision, you just need to make sure that a decision is made. And that’s, that’s a beautiful way of stating it, right?

So I would always give an example of like, you know, trying to figure out where to go for dinner, right? And the guy who’s not stepping up is in the, well, whatever you want, dear, and whatever makes you happy. And then she’s like, well, I don’t really know what I want. It’s like, well, just tell me what you want, right? And then you get into this endless back and forth, right? So you’ve got that, then you’ve got the more dictator thing who was like, we’re going here? Because that’s where I want to go. That’s the end of the story, right? That’s no good, either. And then we’ve got the middle path, which is, hey, I’ve got a plan. How about I take you to that new restaurant that just opened up the one we’ve been talking about, you know, maybe checking out, and she might go, Hmm, you know? Yeah, I do still want to check that out. But I’m just not in the mood for that kind of food. Right, you know. And so then you as you’re asking, Okay, great. How about this? I have another idea, right? So it’s that idea that you are leading and directing it. But you’re not necessarily dictating like, yes, we’re going there, because that’s where I want to go kind of thing. It’s a simple example. But I think it does a fairly good job of illustrating that, which is just another way of saying what you said.

GS Youngblood 36:24
Yeah. And you, you touched on something that you weren’t making your point, but you just touched breezed right across it. If she doesn’t follow your lead the first time around, you don’t collapse. You’re like, okay, you don’t want to do that. Right, I got this other thing. And there’s an element of creativity to that. And there’s a big element of robustness because sometimes it won’t always be easy as she doesn’t want to go to the restaurant. Like, it’d be something you’re kind of taking more pride in. And she’s like, No, that doesn’t work for me. And then you’re gonna get all bowed up because you got all this pride. And you’re now reacting, like kind of like a little boy, whose mommy scolded him when she doesn’t follow your lead. So we probably don’t need to go into it in this conversation because this could go on but the whole How do you deal with resistance to your leadership is such a big thing. And it’s the thing I talked about in one of my video courses, the art of relational masculinity is like how to deal with resistance of your leadership.

Kevin Anthony 37:23
Yeah, let’s keep that in the back of our minds. If we have time at the end. I would like to touch on that a little bit, because it is a question that comes up a lot with men there. There are definitely some answers to that. But we’ll table that for a little bit because we have a few more things to get into. It’s also time for me to take a short break. And then I want to come back and talk about the third component of this blueprint about it.

Men, are you tired of falling short in the bedroom and your relationship? And do you want your woman to respect you and crave your coffee? Do you want to be the man she secretly brags about to all her friends? What if you could become this man? What if you could not only master your masculine sexuality but also be the dream man who shows up for his woman in all the ways that she desires what if you could become so irresistible that she becomes addicted to you if you are ready to become that man, then check out mine become the man of your and her dreams coaching program by going to Kevinandceline.com/go/manofherdreams/. That link is in the description below. This is my coaching program where I get to blend the work I do in helping you fix your sexual challenges also with some of what we’re talking about today and a whole bunch of other stuff. So if that sounds interesting to you go check that out. Of course, at the end of this episode, if you like what you’re hearing from GS and you resonate with his message, then I encourage you to go check him out and find his work as well. There is enough work in this area to go around for all of us. So I encourage you to pick the person that resonates with you. If you’re struggling with any of these areas just do the work. Do the work. I don’t care who you work with, just do the work. This world needs more men are step up in their power. I don’t care how you get there, just do the work.

So all right. So we’re talking about the masculine blueprint, we covered numbers one and two. Let’s talk about the third one. What is that?

GS Youngblood 39:23
This is is create safety. And what we’re referring to is physical financial and emotional safety and physical safety. I don’t talk about it a lot in the book I kind of haven’t planned for the next sequel. But put simply it’s it’s more than just being enough of a mugger that jumps out I mean that’s a pretty rare occurrence. I can’t say it’s ever happened to me. But there’s a lot more to physical safety and so the example I always give is did you put fire extinguishers in the house or the fire alarm that you know beeps because the battery went dead? You just unplugged it and you No, are you? Do you have a spare tire? Or sorry, a tire iron in her car? Does she know how to use it? Or have you gotten her triple A they mean, these are all these are all safety things, Have you fixed the lock on the back door that’s been broken for six months? Do you have an emergency plan if shit were really to hit the fan, these are all things that relate to physical safety. And they’re somewhat non-obvious.

And so that is part of the masculine role as protector to take care of these things and not ignore them or, you know, expect her to take care of them. So that’s physical safety, financial safety is it’s a lot about being responsible, both in your earnings as well as you’re saving and nurturing and investing. And it’s not about being wealthy, you don’t have to be wealthy to be a provider. But you do need to have your shit together and make sure that the bottom doesn’t drop out and make good decisions along the way. And also, with financial safety, there’s a third flip side, you don’t want to all you have to be careful not to go into the dark side where all you do is work. And then you come home and you’re not really participating either in you know, household maintenance, or you know, upkeep of the house, or the family or her emotional needs. And you keep telling yourself well you know, I earn $2 million a year. So why the fuck do I need to hang the pictures? Why don’t you just get somebody to do that? And she’ll feel your absence if you just over-identify as being a provider. So there’s a dark side to physical, and financial security that men need to pay attention to. But the biggest one I talk about is emotional safety. It’s not a thing that guys know a lot about.

Kevin Anthony 41:42
Unfortunately no.

GS Youngblood 41:44
I like what he’s talking about emotional safety. But I’ll say this, when you get defensive, basically, what you’re saying is, that you’re wrong to feel that way. So stop feeling that way. And here’s my here’s my factual case, to prove it. She’s going to feel really unheard unseen unfelt and that you’ve denied her experience. And so, you know, that’s where, you know, men need to learn how to validate their emotions, that doesn’t mean that you say that they’re correct emotions, most of us have very little to do with facts. And guys would be wise to stop trying to reconcile the two in the moment, you know, in a heated moment. But emotional safety, it has a lot to do with validating her emotions. And in knowing how to deal with some of the crazy that comes along with it. It’s something I talked about in that online course I mentioned earlier. It also builds an emotional connection.

And I think there’s, there’s a lot of women who don’t feel emotionally connected to their man. And then you get a lot of those behaviors, the irritability, the criticism, the lack of sexual interest, with guys telling you, when you build an emotional connection, it’s like a big cushion that you put around everything, and the inevitable bumps and bruises of relationship or things are always going to flare up. If you’ve got an emotional connection, you have so much more leeway and cushion than if you don’t have a strong emotional connection with her. So one of the things that is really passionate for me is my boot camp my relationship repair bootcamp. And we among other things, go into very concrete ways to build an emotional connection with your woman. And I, you know, this kind of work I really love doing this is building that. There are some people who would say, oh, my gosh, that’s not traditional masculinity. I’m thinking, Are you kidding me? Like absolutely is, like, I’m telling you guys, it is not masculine, to be fighting with your woman. So if you think masculine is about, like, not putting up with this emotional, crazy nonsense, like, that’s bullshit, then you’re going to be a man that’s fighting with his woman a lot, and it’s not gonna look very masculine. And you’re gonna be a man that cycles through relationships six months at a time because any woman with a spine does not want to be with a man that doesn’t make her feel emotionally safe and connected. So this is really important work for guys. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 43:59
I 100% agree with everything that you just said. I had so many things I wanted to say. But, you know, I don’t really even need to reiterate it because you said it really well. I’ll just say this. I like the fact that you showed very clearly there that safety is a lot more than just physical safety. And that’s a huge point that I’ve been trying to get across for a while my wife and I, when she was like, we did a whole show on what safety actually means to the woman. Right? from her point of view? What does it mean to feel safe? Because exactly what you just said, a lot of guys have no idea that emotional safety is like a thing. You tell a man, Oh, you know, she’s she doesn’t feel safe. And the first thing he’ll go to Well, of course, she feels safe. She knows I would never hurt her. She knows that. You know, I make sure the doors are locked, whatever it is.

But they never think about the rest of it. And it’s interesting too, you mentioned that, you know, potentially some men feel that caring for her emotional needs isn’t masculine. I do not disagree that some men do feel that I just It boggles my mind. Like, as the masculine, I can’t think of a role that’s more important for you, you know, in the context of a relationship, than doing that and then caring for her emotional needs. And if you can do that in a skillful way, that actually shows just how, how much of a masculine man and an accomplished man you are, because that’s actually a challenging task.

GS Youngblood 45:42
Well, I think guys have a lot of guys have that misconception that you mentioned, because what they’ve seen is a feminine expression of emotion, and they think they’re supposed to be like that, but there’s actually a very masculine way to be with your emotions, to feel your emotions to express and share your emotions. So that’s what I think would make the make help guys turn the corner on this one is stop envisioning a feminine style of dealing with emotions starting start perfecting, and practicing a masculine style of being with your emotions. And that’s, that’s very different, very different, and also super useful and powerful.

Kevin Anthony 46:20
Yeah, absolutely. That’s interesting. I wonder if you could very, sort of shortly, like, is there a way that you can say in words, describe what is really the difference between dealing with the emotions in a masculine way versus a feminine way.

GS Youngblood 46:45
At a high level, it’s easy to describe, I mean, remember that women feel things like 10 times more than we do. So when she feels something, she can’t contain it, it’s just, it’s like a water balloon bursting, it’s just going to come out and be a little messy, sometimes it’s going to be a little toxic. It won’t always be that way. So it’s not like all women, and all the time, we’re not saying that we’re saying some women, some of the time, it gets a little toxic and just kind of sprays everywhere and splatters and it’s messy. And it goes on and on. And it’s not it’s not connected to facts, and it gets a little crazy, masculine style is you feel it deeply. And then you shared you just judiciously and so you’re succinct.

You talk about what you know, you use things like nonviolent communication, where you’re, you’re really clear about it, you know, something happened, and it had this impact on me. And then you might make a request, you know, would you be willing, so it’s very clear, but it’s real. And it’s not, you know, you’re being such a bitch. So can you please stop doing that, it’s like, when you get angry like that I get really, actually get really scared, baby. And what I’d like is, are you okay, if I sometimes call a timeout, when it gets too much for me, so you’re making some kind of request there? That’s more of a masculine style of expressing your emotions.

And when you can do that she’s like, Oh, my God, like, Finally, you’ve actually shared something of what’s going on inside of you, instead of trying to pay for it over and tell me everything’s fine. And then she’s just gonna breathe this breath of fresh, you’re gonna breathe this big sigh of relief because you actually started to show you actually started to reveal what she already felt about you. And now there’s coherence between the two. And that’s a huge deal that that level of coherence, inner and outer coherence that she needs to experience with you, in order to feel emotionally safe with you. And so that’s my high-level explanation of the difference between a masculine style of being with your emotions versus a feminine style.

Kevin Anthony 48:55
Yeah, that was great. I’m glad that I mean, obviously, you’ve had to explain this in words before because sometimes with these concepts, they can be a little tricky. If you haven’t really sat down to figure out like, what is like really clear way to explain them. Obviously, you’ve done that, because that was a great example. I also like you brought in the piece about nonviolent communication because I was just, I was chuckling inside when you said that because I actually had somebody. So obviously, I’m a fan of nonviolent communication. It was something that I was into long before I was even doing this work. And I’ve talked about it periodically when it comes up in various shows or YouTube videos or things that I do. I actually had somebody not too long ago, comment on one of my videos about how and masculine nonviolent communication actually is. And I rolled my eyes because when I hear stuff like that, I just don’t, okay, I know where you’re at.

GS Youngblood 49:53
Look, we’re all emotional beings. It’s just part of our physiology. Let’s quit denying it. I need to be able to contain shared judiciously and succinctly. So it’s we don’t blast, we choose what to release but to deny that we’re all emotional beings is so silly. And it sounds like that’s where that guy was?

Kevin Anthony 50:16
Well, you know, it is out there. In social media land, you get all kinds of stuff. But that one really, obviously I remember it because it stuck with me, because I just remember thinking how absurd it was.

GS Youngblood 50:30
Yeah, you just write them back and ask him? How those six months of relationships, you know, in perpetuity are going for him?

Kevin Anthony 50:37
Yeah, exactly. All right. Anything else you want to share on that blueprint? And you know, we’ve covered all three, I think, is there any other things you want to share about the blueprint? And you know, how men might use it or anything like that before we move on to a couple of other quick things.

GS Youngblood 50:52
I mean, I think we did a good job, I would just say guys do the work. And if the blueprint is the path you want to follow, cool. But you know, I feel like it can help you a lot.

Kevin Anthony 51:02
Awesome. Okay. I had a note in here because I kind of want to talk about it is something that comes up fairly often with men. And the question really is, what’s wrong with being the nice guy?

GS Youngblood 51:17
Yeah. Well, this is a question we should ask Robert Glover, a good friend. He wrote the book on nice guys. And so I’ll even channel him is my answers is, well, one, you’re just you’re not nice. You’re just getting more and more pissed underneath. And it’s going to come out in these weird ways. And I think Robert does a good job of covering that. Also, you’re really shortchanging your woman by not showing some of yourself because your resentment going to really impact the relationship negatively to she doesn’t know where you really stand. So she’s always in a state of confusion about where you stand even if she doesn’t know if she maybe she consciously believes your words. But subconsciously, she’s like, is he really telling me what’s going on for him, and that’s hard on the feminine nervous system.

And then three, huge, she’s not going to experience you as powerful, you know, if you’re always doing the nice guy thing, and just giving her what she wants, like we’ve talked about earlier in this conversation, so that’s gonna really hurt your relationship. And when she doesn’t perceive your power, she doesn’t feel safe. When she doesn’t perceive that, you know, you’ve got a core of inner clarity that she can then orbit around and people. That’s what people want from their leader, they want clarity in their leader. So they can simplify their own life and their own psychology by then orbiting around that, that doesn’t mean idolizing them or worshipping them. But it’s like, okay, I can tell you’re here. And these are your needs. And this is your emotional state. And so here’s my needs and my emotional state. Now I understand how these two fit together.

So that’s what I’m talking about when I say all of it. That’s really comforting. Even if somebody disagrees with you. It’s good to know that rather than have it be unspoken. If somebody’s in a bad mood, you don’t have to kowtow to that, but it’s good to know that’s where they stand. And so that’s what being a nice guy prevents because nobody knows where the hell you stand. So those are some of the ways where nice gayness can really just just just create rot in the core of a relationship.

Kevin Anthony 53:26
Yeah, I totally agree. And I wanted to at least address it a little bit because the reaction to you know what I call sort of the old-school macho asshole masculine has been to go to the complete other side of the spectrum and become the wishy-washy nice guy. And so know that most of especially the younger men today don’t want to be you know, the asshole toxic masculine. Right? So then they end up over in the being Mr. Nice Guy, and then they wonder why their relationships are a disaster. And they’re not working and they can’t figure it out because like, but I’m giving her everything she wants and I’m being the Mr. Nice Guy, and I’m not doing all those toxic behaviors. I don’t get it. Why is this still not working?

GS Youngblood 54:13
It’s so true. I don’t even know how I could add to that it’s their guys are in a state of confusion. They’re like, what but it’s, you don’t give them what they want. It’s like Where the hell are you? And I’m going to just like through my own emotional channel, the coppice women aren’t. Are you in this equation? I’m tired of hearing about myself. I’m channeling the woman now. I’m tired of this just always been about me like where are you in there? I need you. I need to have you as a fulcrum to pivot around kind of how I talked about that earlier. I need you Where are you? That’s kind of what our women are saying and when we do the nice guy thing.

Kevin Anthony 54:52
Yeah, and this is the root of you know, you’ve heard I’m sure many times like this, this idea that women test us as men Right, they test us all the time. This is the root of it. They’re testing us because they want to know exactly what you just said, where are you? Where do you stand? Can I trust you? Can I rely on you? That’s what the testing is all about. And men get all frustrated all the time when they’re women. Even if they realize that she’s testing him, they get frustrated, like, why is she testing me? Because she needs to trust you.

GS Youngblood 55:21
Yeah, yeah. And then sometimes it’s the only way like, men talk all good game till the cows come home. But if you can’t pass the tests, clearly, you’re full of shit.

Kevin Anthony 55:31
Yeah. And the tests are where it’s at. Women are absolute experts at cutting through the bullshit with their tests and figuring out where you actually stand.

GS Youngblood 55:43
So true. They see into us and feel things in us that we don’t even do. And so when they see this, this continuity between what we present and what they either feel, or what we show them under the stress tests. That’s a problem that is a lack of coherence. And that’s what the woman or women need from us. They need coherence between the inner and outer.

Kevin Anthony 56:05
Yeah, absolutely. Okay, we are right up at the end of the show. Had a couple more questions. But I think we’ve done a really good job so far of getting the point that we wanted to get across. So I just want to open up the floor for two things. One, if there’s any last advice you have for men, and then also if they resonate with what you’re saying, if they like this type of work, how can they find you?

GS Youngblood 56:40
Be unafraid to lose her. Then let me explain what I mean by that is, we’re you know, we’re so in fear of upsetting the applecart. And even though we don’t necessarily, I mean, some cases we do, but most of them, we don’t necessarily think she’s going to walk out the door. But even her getting upset and giving us the cold shoulder is kind of abandoning us and losing her. It’s just more temporary, and it’s very painful for guys. And so we ended up contorting ourselves to avoid controversy or anything like that. And so I see, I see a lot of my clients really afraid to stand up and be themselves. So start with, be unafraid to lose her, you know, know your truth and just be okay to speak it in a skillful way. And that’s going to open up a lot for a lot of guys. So that’s some high-level advice I would give, to most men.

How to find me, yeah, Gs youngblood.com. You know, the things that I’m most proud of right now on my relationship repair boot camp. So this is a it’s an online course. But it’s life. And it’s with me, and you go through it with a cohort of around 10 to 12 men. And it’s an eight-week experience. And we go through, we take the blueprint, and we just go super deep with practices, and each of the areas that you and I’ve talked about today. And it ended up just being an awesome experience, the guys bond they learn from each other, and they’re getting to know other men of depth in ways that they don’t have in their lives right now. So I really liked this group experience seems to be a there’s like a multiplicative effect in terms of learning.

So that’s the thing I’m most excited about, you know, if you if for less time and resources, you can get my online course, which is a video course on the art of relational masculinity, it goes into a lot of these things. And I’m very, very proud of that course. And then you can just if you want to just see more of me, you can look on YouTube. And GS Youngblood AM, I am on Instagram, that’s another place where you can go and just see videos of me talking about various things. So those are the primary ways that that that, that I can work with men also, we have a workshop coming up, it’s on leading in the bedroom, this is going to be in October, and here in San Francisco. So take a look at that on the website and see what that’s all about. But that’s going to be we’re going to blow the doors off that one. It’s always a lot of fun to do that one.

Kevin Anthony 59:08
That’s awesome. Thank you for sharing that, you know, just from what I know of you and your work in this conversation, I would have no problems at all highly recommending people check out those workshops and those courses because I know just based on what you’ve said that you are going to learn some important skills that have the potential to really change your life. And that you know, that’s what all this work is about. Right? It’s trying to change lives.

GS Youngblood 59:34
Exactly. Yeah, life’s too short man to go through it with a crappy relationship or as a nice guy as we talked about.

Kevin Anthony 59:41
Isn’t that the truth? Okay, I got one last question for you. It’s a question I asked everybody that comes on the show, and that is what is your best sexual talent?

GS Youngblood 59:53
Question. Let’s call my girlfriend Hey, baby. I think she would tell you the way that I’m very creative about creating sensations on her body during our sexuality.

Kevin Anthony 1:00:10
Very nice. Oh, I bet she enjoys that. You know, my wife actually came up with that question. She used to love to ask guests that, you know, because on this show were sex, love, and relationships. So we do cover a lot of things that have to do with, you know, the sexual piece of a relationship. So she used to love asking that question. So I’ve kind of continued that, that tradition along. And it’s a fun question to ask. It’s kind of light-hearted, and I get some really interesting answers. So thanks, for being open to answering that question.

GS Youngblood 1:00:39
Yeah, and I really wish I could have met your wife, she sounds like she was an amazing woman.

Kevin Anthony 1:00:44
She really was, she was an amazing woman, and she was a fantastic coach. And she helped so many people and continues to do so with the recorded, you know, videos and courses that she created. So part of my honoring her is keeping that going for as long as I can so that she can continue to have an impact on the world. Alright GS, thank you so much for coming on the show, and sharing your wisdom, your knowledge, and your experience, I really hope that people can take some valuable pieces away from this, I can tell you from my own personal experience, not just doing coaching work, but just through my own relationships and applying this stuff myself. It works. It absolutely works. And so, you know, if you’re over there going, I don’t understand why my relationships aren’t working or what’s going on. I strongly suggest that you take a look at this stuff pretty seriously. And yeah, dive in if you can.

Alright, everybody, that’s all the time I have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends. And for more free exclusive content. Join me in the passion vault at KevinandCéline.com/vault. That’s KevinandCéline.com/vault. Thanks for listening. And remember, as Céline used to say you’re amazing!