How To Understand Women And How They Choose To Have Sex

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom, and your relationships.

All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 307. And it is titled How to understand women and how they choose to have sex. I think that this will be very interesting, at least to the male listeners of this show. Because so many men look at women as this enigma like they can’t figure them out and don’t understand why they do what they do. And when it comes to sex, they can’t understand why is she in the mood now? Why is she not in the mood? Why is she never in the mood? Why is she you know, whatever it is there, it just boggles their mind. They can’t figure it out. So I have a guest on the show today, who is going to help us gain some insight into the female mind. We’re going to talk about how do women think and what it is that they need. Right? And how can we help them as men? So there’s a lot to talk about in this episode. So definitely stay tuned.

And you know, I would say also, my episodes are never just for men or just for women. If you’re a woman listening to this, I would suggest that you stick around also because my guest today works a lot with women. And there’s a lot of insight that she can bring to help you because one of the things I learned is that sometimes women don’t actually know why they do what they do, or how to shift behavioral patterns, right? So there’s likely to be a lot of helpful information in here for women as well.

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Okay, my guest today is Magna Kay, and she is an intimacy expert, tantra teacher, and conscious relating coach, author, and founder of the School of Intimacy, she is on a mission to help people access their deepest desires and ability to create transformative intimacy in their lives. Welcome to the show magnet.

Magda Kay 3:06
Kevin, thank you for having me. I love the introduction. I want to jump right in. There are already things you mentioned just in the intro and I’m like yes, yes, this is what we have to talk about. So I am beyond excited to be here.

Kevin Anthony 3:19
Awesome. Well, I am excited to I think this is gonna be a fascinating conversation. Let’s dive right in. My first question is one of the biggest complaints from men is that they don’t understand women. I’m wondering if you can give some examples of common things that men either don’t understand or maybe they’re misunderstandings, things that they think are one way but maybe aren’t?

Magda Kay 3:46
So thank you for this question, if I may, just before I answer this. So there’s something I always like to say, women are not a mystery, because this is very popular, especially in tantric communities where we’re meant to just adore and worship the feminine for what it is. And you probably see a lot of these beautiful posts where it says like, don’t try to understand her just love her appreciate. And I say BS because it’s such an easy excuse to just not do the work to try to understand her. So I look at it differently. I don’t think we’re such a mystery as in. I don’t think my girlfriends are a mystery. I’m never surprised why my girlfriend does something. Why? Because they understand how women work. So we’re not a mystery if you don’t want us to be. We move differently than men.

And so you have to understand we are different, but just because we’re different, like don’t kind of in a way to me it’s it’s a bit of an excuse to be lazy. Oh, I’m never gonna make an effort to find out how she’s different than me. I’m just going to assume she definitely doesn’t make sense. So we do make sense. So as an example, I always talk about nature because women are very similar to nature. So, you know, I live in Europe where we have all four seasons I understand, in different parts of the world, you may not necessarily have four seasons. But let’s say, you know, in Europe, you don’t ever get shocked that there is winter. It’s not like, you know, December or November comes in, you’re like, oh, wait, why is it called out of the of a sudden, it’s like, you know that there are cycles, you know, that nature moves in a certain rhythm. And is the same with women. We are cyclical beings. So this is the main difference. If you understand our cycles, you’re going to understand this again. Now, it’s not rocket science. Okay. I want to start with that.

Kevin Anthony 5:44
Yeah. Can I just pause you for a moment? Yeah, I completely agree with that. And that’s kind of why I said it. In the beginning. There’s this notion that women are an enigma. But the reality is, everything you said is absolutely true. And they are cyclical. And there are just some basic ways in which they operate and some basic needs that they have. And if you can just understand those things, suddenly, they’re not an enigma anymore.

Magda Kay 6:10
Exactly. I honestly think it’s, it’s pretty lazy, it’s easy to say, Oh, I just don’t understand her. Just make a little bit of an effort. And she will start making sense, like, you will know how to, I’m gonna use the word operate her. And then you’ll see that it’s very easy to manage women. So I’m gonna start with one thing that I feel it’s very common for couples. And this is when a woman becomes an occultic emotional, she becomes like a storm. And usually, men get extremely confused. What is this all about? Why is she making a scene either a silent treatment, or now she’s yelling, and men get really, like, it’s overwhelming. It’s scary. So usually men, like, you’ll just pull back, you’re like, Okay, I don’t want to deal with this. What you don’t understand, and I know this is a simplification, but pretty much anytime you’re a woman starts behaving out of character, she’s getting mean or attacking is because she feels like you don’t love her. So the best thing you can ever do in moments when she’s doing things that you don’t like, is come close to her. Look at her and just say, I love you. Okay, it can be embraced.

Kevin Anthony 7:30
I apologize. I hope I don’t interrupt you too many times. You’re more than welcome to do that. But I really want to expand on a lot of these things. Because I completely agree with what you just said. And here’s what a lot of men will say. Well, of course, she knows I love her. I told her that whenever you know, and you’re like, wait, wait 10 years. Exactly, exactly the point. And that’s kind of what I wanted to highlight here is if you’re listening to this as a man, and you’re like, Oh, of course, she knows I love her. No, no, no, no, this is one of those things that you just need to understand about women. Yes, she knows it. But she needs to hear it over and over again.

Magda Kay 8:09
Yes, and so I don’t want to oversimplify this because I understand that women can also get upset, so please, excuse me, but I sometimes feel that we don’t have to complicate things too much. So, as a rule, a relationship is like everything to a woman, like taking care of relationships, it’s kinda what we are best at, what our life is about, and whether it’s a relationship with my partner with my child with my girlfriend, relationships is the area of mastery for women. And so it’s, you know, for men, it’s not usually it’s, for many men, it’s a bit like a, you know, checkbox, like, I gotta have a partner, maybe I gotta have a family, okay, I’m married then I can now focus on my work and my mission. So always tell them this. See how you look at your work.

So let’s say that, you know, you, you get this job offer, and you’re having interesting tasks at the beginning, and you know, and you’re excited, are you still going to be happy if you stay doing the exact same things in three years, or even in six months? You have the need to really explore your talents and potential when it comes to your mission and how you contribute, how you work, and how you make money. Well, this is true for women as well. We, it’s really important there’s it’s a form of fulfilling our nature to really create the best relationships in our life. And so one of the reasons why we need this feedback is because, you know, from a man that yes, you love us, and yes, you’re still attracted to us, is because we need this feedback to know that the relationship we’re building is actually good. It’s working. Sort of like when you do your work, you’re expecting a good salary, and you’re expecting a promotion after some time right? It’s your feedback that you’re doing something right and that you’re good at it. And it’s the same for women, we need this.

And because relationships are so important for us, because women are naturally very giving, very nurturing, very loving, you know, when we, when we lose the relationship, it’s, it’s really painful. It’s a big shock, just like men feel when you lose your job. And now you’re not making money, it’s quite that you start questioning so much about yourself. So just like you as a man, you will be looking for any potential threats to your job and your security with money. Women are naturally scanning the environment for any possible threats that they may lose the relationship. So yes, we need extra validation that you love us. But it’s just something for us to make sure that we are safe so that our nervous system can be balanced. So just keep saying this little thing, send us messages, you know, work with five love languages, like, it’s, it may not seem natural to men to do it. But as a consequence, you’re getting a more balanced woman because now you know, if I don’t have to stress and worry where you still love me, then I get to be myself. I get to be with you. I get to nurture you and love you.

Kevin Anthony 11:14
Yeah, absolutely. So well said it is really about her feeling safe and trusting in the relationship. And the place that I see far too many men go down the wrong road is they tend to view the relationship as a set-it and forget it. It’s exactly yes. It’s exactly what you just said. It’s like, okay, I got I married her, we got the kids family like that part’s done. Now I’m over here focusing on whatever else, right? And then absolutely not how relationships work. Even if you’re in a relationship with another man, and you were both masculine, and you could take the feminine component out of the relationship, it still wouldn’t work guys, I’m sorry, it relationship is a living creature in and of itself. And everything. If you’re not giving it time, attention, and love nutrients is going to wither and die.

Magda Kay 12:06
Exactly. So there’s actually it’s called the law of entropy. And basically, anything in nature is designed to eventually fall apart. Like our human body was designed to get old and eventually die. If you leave, you know, any piece of food in the forest, eventually it will disappear. So that’s how nature works. And the only way that we can, like combat or limit the law of entropy is by adding energy into the system. So for example, if we want to stay young and healthy for longer, we got to make sure we eat properly, we drink enough water, sleep, etc, etc. And it’s the same with the relationship. We like relationships are naturally falling apart. Basically, from the moment that the honeymoon period ends, they’re designed to start falling apart. And this is why most relationships fail, because we don’t in attract enough energy to keep it alive. And I always say the same that you just said it’s like relationships are living organisms. They need water, they need air, they need care, like, like no relationship and not ever intimate. Like you said, it’s not going to last unless you do that. Absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 13:17
So what are some other potentially common examples of things that maybe men don’t understand or misunderstand? So we have the fact that she needs validation? Right? She needs to be able to feel safe that you do love her in the context of a relationship. Are there any other common ones?

Magda Kay 13:34
Yes. So it’s very, it’s very closely linked to the conversation of safety. So when it comes specifically to sex, sex is a very different experience for men and women. And again, yes, this is a generalization, we understand, you know, people are unique, and I like anytime I speak it just I take it for granted that we understand we’re simplifying things, but then people like unlike they get offended, I’m like, we understand that every human being is unique. This is just kind of like a general rule. So as a general rule, sex is actually quite available and easy for men. Now, from the tantric perspective, the way we explain it is that our sex center is your root chakra, and if you just look at your genitals, they tell you how the energy moves. So for for a male body, the energy goes outwards, right and you are thrusting your object collating all of it goes outwards. So that’s the masculine flow that the giving for a female body is the opposite, right? The vagina goes in, I receive you, I pull you in. And in the receptive state, this is where we are vulnerable. Right?

It’s basically can think of, you know, if you have your own apartment, if you open the door, then anyone can come in. Right? A thief can come in, anyone can come in. So anytime you’re in the space of receiving you become vulnerable. And so sex is a vulnerable experience for women, and it’s not for men. So something I actually tell men, if they want to understand this concept of it better, is get anal massage or just any anal stimulation, like proper stimulation, notice what it’s like when you’re being penetrated. And that gives you an idea of what it feels like for a woman to be penetrated. So you probably wouldn’t wouldn’t enjoy having anything, you know, in your house, without any foreplay. So Well, that’s the same for women.

Kevin Anthony 15:30
And, you know, if you do that men, which is a great recommendation, know that it is only a fraction of the vulnerability that it takes for a woman to spread her legs to you. So it gives you a taste and gives you an idea, but just imagine that probably times 100 on her end, right?

Magda Kay 15:49
Yes. And so I will say from here, you know, what I would love for men to take is that, yes, women need more time. We need more foreplay. And I always say oral sex is not foreplay. It’s mainly foreplay for men. For women, it’s already sex. And unfortunately, there are a lot of my videos on YouTube, which talk specifically to men. Because like you mentioned, I work with women and couples as well. But when I have content specifically for men, I very often get those comments like, oh, who has time for that? It’s too much effort. Oh, yes, it’s always about her. And, and it really upsets me that men think of it this way. Because, again, if sex is not vulnerable for you, then you don’t understand why she needs all of that. But if you don’t give her enough preparation, and the whole process of helping her open up and feel safe with you, you’re actually traumatizing her. And now this goes to women.

So I really hope that we have women listening because we also have to really honor the fact that we need to be warmed up. Because, you know, we’ve been raised in a society that still looks at sex from a male perspective. So we think like, oh, 15 minutes, it’s like, but so long for foreplay. Well, not for females, we actually need way more. And before you start warming up our body, you need to warm up our mind and our heart. It has to all, you know, be aligned. And so as women, we need to communicate this to men, and we need to really explain to them why it’s important and what exactly we need. Because too often women just like, oh, no, either. They’re convinced that they don’t need this, because they’re not as in tune with their body, or because we’re too shy to ask for it. Because we don’t want to be difficult. So both men and women need to understand that this is essential. This is essential.

And if I may just add one more, one more thing here. Because men will say like, oh, you know, it’s like, but I like quickies. And what about those? And I say, Well listen, if you know how to keep your woman warmed up throughout the day, you can have a quickie. Yeah. Like, but if there’s no interaction with her, and you never planted the idea of sexing her mind throughout the day, then you’re back home and you’re expecting her to be ready, even in 30 minutes, a good light, but it’s not going to happen. So keep her warm throughout the day. And trust me if you want to quickly when you’re back home, you should be ready.

Kevin Anthony 18:20
Absolutely. This is something that my wife and I used to teach a lot we’ve termed it the constant state of arousal. So doing little things all throughout the day to stoke that fire so that you’re not going from zero turned on to trying to get turned on enough for sex. You maybe you’re going from on a scale of one to 10 You’re going from maybe a five and you only have to go to an eight in order to get her ready for sex as opposed to starting off at zero. So yeah, that is that is absolutely huge. And I was laughing over here when you’re talking about the comments on YouTube because I get those all the time. On my videos, I hear stuff like that, too. Like, who has time for this? One of the things I’m constantly trying to get men to understand is that sex is a journey. It’s not a destination, it’s not about okay, I pull again, and I go straight for the ejaculation. You kind of think of it as an entire experience, right? And all of that stuff, the foreplay, the oral sex, the actual penetrate, that’s all part of the experience.

And you really should view it as like it, for lack of a better word like experience really is the best word that I can think of. It’s like you’re going to set aside however much time you have, and it could be an hour, it could be two hours, it could be three hours and you’re just going to experience each other in all those different ways. And so if you can view it from that point of view, instead of thinking of, well this is all about you know, having an orgasm or ejaculation it completely shifts What’s your mindset around? And then suddenly you’re like, oh, oh, yeah. And this whole, like, Who has time thing? How much time did you waste on social media today? How much time did you waste watching stupid TV shows, right? or movies or playing video games, right? So this whole idea that there’s never enough time or who has the time or who would want to spend that time all just goes out the window. This is one of the best things that you could do with your time is to nurture the relationship and have great sex with your partner. Like, in my mind, that’s first there’s everything else is a distant second.

Magda Kay 20:41
So I love that you mentioned this, Kevin, I couldn’t agree more. And I think I think the shift that men should really go for is that all the foreplay, and everything we’re discussing, I think, so often men look at is like, Oh, this is the hard work. It’s like I’m doing it for her. Well, I’ll tell you this. For many years, I offered Linga massages to men, which is a massage of full body, and then it focuses on massaging the genitals. And in all of these years, I haven’t met a single man who didn’t enjoy taking it slow. And like having a long experience, those massages will be between two to three hours. So in my opinion, what men really need to look at is that that long experience that one hour, it’s for you just as much as it is for her. Like you said, it’s about the experience of the whole thing.

And so if men start telling you that, like Oh, but there is no fun in it, I just want to come, I’m like, darling, I feel like you have some exploration to do. It’s like, it’s like you don’t even understand what sex truly is. Because Because if you need that regulation, to feel pleasure, it actually shows that your body is extremely contracted and very stressed. And you’re not allowing your body to receive. But once you relax, this is when you can experience more. So some of the things that I recommend to men, if they, if they want to learn to slow down and give more and take longer is to actually put themselves in situations where they get to receive something more gentle. So for older men who have a partner, what you can do is you can ask for a woman to give you a sensual, very relaxing massage and like say, give it like half an hour, you know, and that’s the only goal. If later you want to go into lovemaking you can but take that half an hour to just receive her touch. And tell me afterward if you hated the experience, or if you enjoyed it.

Kevin Anthony 22:44
Yeah, that’s great advice. You know, if, if as a man, you are not enjoying the exploration of her body, you know, if the penetration and you know, off to the races towards your ejaculation is the only part that’s actually fun to you, then it’s exactly what you just said, you fundamentally do not understand what sex is. You certainly don’t understand what good sex is. So every bit of the experience should be fun for you. If you’re hearing the words, oh, it’s not fun. You are really doing something wrong. Her body is like John Mayer wrote it perfectly in his song, right? Your body is a wonderland. It’s a wonderland. Listen to that song. I know a lot of people are like, Oh, it’s kind of a corny pop song. But listen to what he is trying to say in that song as he describes her lips and her nose and all these other parts of her body, how much he actually loves them and loves exploring them. There’s lots there’s blinds in that song about, you know how, you know, we’re going to set aside all this amount of time, we’ve got this whole room, we’ve got all this stuff, right? That’s creating that experience. And that’s really what it should be.

Now, granted, you might not have three hours every time. But you can at least create smaller experiences like that. And every bit of it should be fun, from the, you know, undressing her to the touching her body in every way. Like one of the things I tell people if you want to be really really good in bed, if you want to be a man and you want a woman to be like wow, he was fucking amazing. You have to love what you’re doing. You can’t just go through the motions. You know, when you’re like, Oh, I got to do foreplay. So that means that I watched this video, and it told me I got to touch her here. And I got to do three strokes here. And then I got to do it. Like if that’s the way you’re approaching it. It doesn’t matter if you master the technique. She’s never gonna go he’s great in bed. Because she’s not sort of feeling you. She’s not feeling you engaged and loving it and like the energy that’s created between the two of you. So you should be loving every moment of that experience.

Magda Kay 24:56
Absolutely. And I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept Have the wheel of consent. But one of the really awesome practices there, which I also do with my clients, and like recommend to all my couples is when you touch your partner, for your own pleasure, and that’s exactly what you just said, Kevin, right? It’s like you should enjoy undressing your partner in touching their body. And that goes both ways, like men, women, everyone. So it’s not just about the female body. It’s not just the female body, that’s, it’s a human body. And again, at least I speak back to the messages that I used to offer. I remember, before I would even touch my clients, I just looked at their bodies. And I was at Oh, like, like, a genuine, honest, oh, that this is how this body looks like. And I will take a moment. And I would I would look at this naked body lying on the bed.

And honestly, like my state would be, for example, I would look at a mall and I’m like, wow, the universe decided to put this small right here. At every hair, look at this hair. Like, there’s no such thing as like, oh, this buddy’s attractive or, or not attractive, fat or skinny, not none of the judgment. In fact, in Tantra, we call it transfiguration. Right? So when you transfigure, something may need daily mandate into divine. And so actually practicing looking at our beloved body through that angle, I think it’s so powerful. So yeah, totally, like, you know, set some, you know, time, I don’t know, let’s say 15 minutes or something, and just touch your partner’s body for your own pleasure, like, try to really enjoy that. And then like everything changes from there.

Kevin Anthony 26:39
Yeah, absolutely. There is. There’s one word of caution, I want to say with that, which is that one thing that my wife and I noticed over the years of coaching men, is that there is a subsection of men who will tell you, I’m such a giver, I’m such a giver, I’m always giving, always giving, but the reality is, is all they’re actually doing is taking because they don’t, they don’t actually care at all about her pleasure. And it’s all just about receiving them for themselves. So I just want to caution men, that everything that you said is absolutely true. And I think you should do that. Just be careful not to go to the far extreme, and have it be all about just you and what you get out of it.

Magda Kay 27:24
So I’d be like, controlling myself not to jump in. Okay, Kevin, I’m going to tell you something. If I ever hear a man say that he’s a giver. And that, for him, it’s all about her pleasure. I just don’t believe you. Because it’s never true. It’s a form of manipulation, you’re not going to convince me that you care about her pleasure on the energy of such a giver. No, you have a persona that you’re trying to be, you’re wearing a mask that I’m this great lover, but it’s not for her, it’s for you to feel like you’re a great lover. Like, we have to balance giving in receiving. If you’re if you’re only like receiving you’re very selfish, doesn’t feel good.

But like you cannot pretend that you’re giving, giving giving, that’s a manipulative strategy, to get validation that you’re a great lover so that she later can tell all the other women Oh, he was so considerate, so amazing. You’re still trying to get something through that. So if any men listening, if you ever find yourself saying, I’m a giver, I care more about her pleasure, stop and challenge those beliefs. They’re not true. And for all the women listening, if ever a man says this, again, don’t believe this. It’s it’s not it’s not healthy. It’s not healthy. That’s what I wanted.

Kevin Anthony 28:42
I actually really glad that you’ve basically had the exact same experience, because, you know, my wife had a similar path from what I know about you and how many men she worked with and what she did. And this was something that she would see. And then it was something I started seeing too as I was working with more men and this idea that, Oh, I’m such a giver, I’m sick that they were always the worst, most problem clients ever always hands down enough so that we could actually definitively state there’s a pattern here with those particular individuals. So I’m happy to hear well, not happy to hear that you’ve seen it because that means there’s a bunch of men out there that are not doing what they’re supposed to be doing.

However, it’s always good to have validation that these are these things actually are real and to hear from other experts in the field is always great. Okay, we could probably keep going on and on about things that men miss understand or don’t understand about women. But believe it or not, we’re already halfway through the show, I would say boggles my mind. We’ve I’ve asked you one of nine questions. So just quickly, and we don’t have to go too deep into it. My next question was, where do you think so? What are some of the reasons for these misunderstandings or not understandings, like, where do you think that comes from?

Magda Kay 30:04
Okay, if you want a very quick answer, the patriarchy.

Kevin Anthony 30:09
Okay, that’s good. Unfortunately, that is such a loaded term, that we have no choice now but to unpack that at least a little bit and maybe expand.

Magda Kay 30:23
So if you look at the history of the last centuries, it gets very clear the way a society operates. So ever since we got the concept of property, right, it changed the dynamic between men and women. So this is when women were expected to be virgins. And practically speaking, a woman became one of the things that a men owned, you know, and we know very well that, like, even our grandparents, or our grandmas, were not allowed to do a lot of things like the husband, were making most of the decisions. And so for centuries, women were not allowed to say something. Right, women were not equal to men. So who cares that an experience for a woman was different?

For example, sex was never ever about a woman experiencing an orgasm, it was about her having kids. So if even here, if you think about this, and you know, a woman doesn’t need an orgasm to get pregnant, so we didn’t have to worry about this, right? So for so long, there was never a discussion that women are different than men. And look, if you want a different example, just to illustrate it, because again, I know a lot of men like, you know, kind of attack this No, it’s not like this, etc, etc. So I don’t know if you know this, but for many centuries, we thought that kids are just little adults. And we treated kids the same way we would treat adults. And it was only I believe, the 18th century, I think Rousseau was doing research on this or like some, you know, published some papers. It’s only about like, two centuries ago that the idea was introduced, that children don’t think the same way as adults.

And you probably if you didn’t know this, you’re probably like, what? Can you imagine? Like, imagine right now, if you have a child or any child in your life, imagine thinking that this child makes decisions the same way that adults do. It’s ridiculous. But that’s how it used to be. And it’s the same with women because we assumed that women think exactly the same way as men. So it’s still shocking that we actually don’t we’re very, very different. And so this transition is still happening.

Kevin Anthony 32:41
Yeah, you know, when, when it comes to children, they have learned now through research that up until about age six, or seven, not only do they think differently from us, their brain is actually operating in a different reality than ours. Like, you know, so the whole imaginary friends thing like, like, that’s a real thing for them because they’re literally operating in another reality. So, yeah, there’s a lot that we took for granted and didn’t know. And so I appreciate you sharing that history. One of the things that kind of popped into my mind as I was thinking about that like I was listening to you and thinking about what you were saying, is that that did a disservice to women, obviously. Right. But it also did a disservice to men. Look where we are now. Right? Look, where we are now with our complete misunderstanding of each other. And all the problems that that creates.

Magda Kay 33:33
Unfortunately, yes, and I am a big proponent that the shift has to come through collaboration and cooperation, not by fighting each other. And unfortunately, I see, I still see so much of men going against, like men going against women, women going against men instead of trying to solve it together. But it takes both because women, we are still learning to open up and speak about things. Also, we like you said in the intro, you know, we are learning about our bodies, there’s so much that women don’t know. And they don’t know that they don’t want. They don’t know this. And women are not very open to learning. Like very often, especially if a man wants to give any sexual advice to a woman you’ll hear like, Oh, you’re mansplaining How can you know anything about my body?

Well, if he’s trained, chances are he knows actually more. So as women, we need to be more open, we need to understand this. They will so disconnected from our sexuality, we need to do the work to reconnect and then we need to do the work to start speaking up. And then men need to do the work of asking questions and listening. And don’t assume you know, because you don’t like just ask questions. Be curious and to get us through that this is the only possible scenario of us actually changing these dynamics.

Kevin Anthony 34:57
Yes, very well said. Okay, came. So as I mentioned, we’re a little bit more than halfway through the show, which means I need to take a break. But when we come back from the break, there are a couple of key points I really want to make sure we talk about before we run out of time. I want to I want to make sure that we talk about why couples lose their intimacy and relationships, how they end up becoming roommates, and how we can potentially fix that. I also want to talk about how women decide to have sex, like what is the proper thought process? And what do they need, right, because that’s something that sort of boggles men’s minds a lot of the time? And then of course, I would love to talk a little bit about the power center framework. Although that revolves around a lot of women, that’s like a framework for women. But I think men can learn a lot from understanding that framework as well. So those are the things I want to make sure that we talk about before this show is over. In the meantime, we got to take a short break.

Men, are you tired of falling short, both in the bedroom and in your relationship? Do you want your woman to respect you and crave your cock? Do you want to be the man she secretly brags about to all of her friends? What if you could become this man? What if you could not only master your masculine sexuality but also be the dream man who shows up for his woman in all the ways she desires? What if you could become so irresistible that she becomes addicted to you? If you’re ready to become that man, then check out my become the man of your and her dreams coaching program by going to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/become-man-of-her-dreams/. Don’t worry about the link, it’s in the description. Just go click on it. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/become-man-of-her-dreams/.

Okay. So let’s dive in a little bit to this idea of it because you mentioned earlier in the show. It was just in sort of in passing in speaking about something else, but you said after that honeymoon period is over, right? So many couples kind of lose that intimacy after that honeymoon period is over, and they end up being more like, you know, roommates or CO parents or whatever it is. I wonder if you could talk a little bit about why does that tend to happen? And what are some things that couples can do to shift that?

Magda Kay 37:14
Yes, absolutely. And to be fair, unless you consciously choose to keep intimacy and passion alive, you’re going to lose it. I don’t know, a single couple who still has the sparks present in the relationship if they’re not doing anything to keep those sparks happening. So if you think of it, it’s actually kind of simple. So the moment we move in together, especially, and even more if you have kids, just for anyone listening, if you are home right now, just look at yourself. How are you dressed? How are you sitting? What’s your energy? Like, if you think about when we’re home, this is when we usually put some you know, sweats on? Sometimes we have this old shirt with some stains on it. Because you know, we wouldn’t worry this one gonna go out. But I’m home, I can do it. So that’s one thing.

The second thing is that living together in other house chores that you have to take care of. So the reality of being at home is the exact opposite of what sexy is literally the opposite. Even if you just look at anyone guys just look around your apartment right now. Does it look like a sex row, like a sexual oasis? Like what in your space would trigger any thoughts about having sex, so many of us have things thrown on bed, like you won’t even think of having sex, they’re our bedrooms, you know, you may have this epileptic machine for whatever running your Computer TV, there are all of these things, but we have no like cues for being sexy. So my advice is, first of all, if possible, your bedroom should be mostly about sex. So you should design it in a way that feels sensual, that stimulates you, you know, puts you in the mood. I’m very visual. So my personal preference is to have mirrors around that’s just me. I would probably keep different toys, you know, they’re visible, beautiful textures, materials, make sure it can be really dark, some nice lights, maybe some sense, and music.

And also I think another really awesome thing is to like you know, get a sexy photo shoot with your partner and naked and then have these big, you know, images printed on your walls. I think all of this is super fun. Now I understand this may not be available. And so the second thing that I would recommend to every couple is to take your relationship out of the house. So the house will be naturally pulling you into the role of a housemate again, the lazy person or the house steroid is like all of the roles that are the opposite of, you know, sexual intimacy. So when you take your relationship out of the house, what I mean by this is you go on a date. And if you can rent a hotel room to have sex, but you’re only engaging in the things that have to do with you, as lovers, you don’t talk about work, you don’t talk about kids, you don’t talk about any To Do List, none of that, you dress up, right, you want to make sure you look sexy, do whatever you need to do to put yourself in the mood, prepare yourself in whatever way you want, actually make an effort for those days. And like you know, that evening is just for that.

And again, this may be an evening a week, I think, ideally, you would do one evening, a week, plus one weekend, every month. If it’s possible, like adjusting to your schedule, but I feel you know, we underestimate, or we just don’t think about how our environment impacts us. And homes, don’t turn us into lovers. So change the environment. And if you just do it a few times, you know, consistently, that’s enough to keep that intimacy alive. You don’t have to do it every day. But just do it a few times. And you’ll see like, it will, it will keep the sparks flying.

Kevin Anthony 41:20
So you know, longtime listeners of the show will pretty much recognize all of the advice that you’re giving, because this is stuff I talk about all the time.

Magda Kay 41:29
It’s like because we’re not inventing anything new, it works.

Kevin Anthony 41:33
I absolutely agree. And again, I’m pointing that out not to be like, Hey, look at me, I already knew that. I point that out to say exactly what you just said, this stuff works, right? And you’re not just hearing it from me on the show. You’re hearing it from other people as well. Because it’s tried and true and time tested. Like it just works. So if you don’t like hearing it from me, maybe, maybe you like hearing it from somebody who’s much better looking. Also, by the way, I loved your description of the bedroom, you were describing a lot of what my bedroom my wife was also a huge proponent of like, nothing goes in the bedroom. Like there’s no TVs, there’s no computers, there’s no nothing. The bedroom is a sanctuary. I mean, I felt the same way. It’s one of the reasons why we go. So. But yeah, absolutely. Your bedroom should be a sanctuary, a place that feels calm, and relaxing. Also a little sexy is great, too. Definitely, we had our share of printed photos on the walls all around us. Yeah. So yeah, absolutely. And then you’re right, that sometimes those things that maybe aren’t available, maybe you’ve got kids, and you can’t really leave your toys laying around or have sexy pictures, whatever, then just simply make time to go outside of the house. That is excellent advice. There’s a ton more I know that you could tell couples about how to rekindle that intimacy.

If I teased this on the show, and we didn’t get there, my listeners would be really pissed off. So we’ve got to go there. Let’s talk about how a woman decides she wants to have sex . What goes through her mind? What does she need to make that decision?

Magda Kay 43:37
Really, this is about how humans make decisions. So we know that sometimes we’re very logical about things. And we can also be impulsive. And if you go to any shop, you’ll see exactly what I mean. Like, I used to work for Procter and Gamble. And they actually do very in-depth research on how people behave in shops to know exactly what product goes where. And so notice that you know, on your eye level, you’re going to have products that you want to go for right away, up or down, or products that require more logical thinking. So they’re not as available. But right when you’re ready to pay, they’re all the little things that is just so easy to grab, because that’s impulsive decision-making. It’s the same here.

So there will be moments when a woman will be looking at a man and analyzing a lot of variables. But there will be a time when she will be quite impulsive. Now I don’t want to talk about situations when she’s, for example, been drinking, or she’s very emotional, which definitely cuts her ability to make logical decisions. I don’t want to talk about this because I think these are different cases and we shouldn’t be taking advantage of this. But absolutely around her ovulation, she’s going to be more of like a horny animal that just is looking for a man full of testosterone. And this is not a logical decision. This is literally a physiological need, which I think men do and easily relate to.

Kevin Anthony 45:02
Yeah, we understand that one.

Magda Kay 45:05
Exactly. So that really exists with women. And if you are in a relationship, by the way, it’s really good to know her cycle, so that when you know that she’s ovulating, you can be more direct with her, because chances are that she may feel uncomfortable and shy to just kind of jump on you. So if you know that that’s the face of her cycle, you can be more direct.

Kevin Anthony 45:32
And for the men out there, hopefully, your woman is tracking her cycle and knows where she’s at. And with technology today, she can share that app with you and all of that data right on your phone. So you don’t have to guess you don’t even have to ask her, you can literally just open your phone and go, Oh, I know where she’s at in her cycle today. Pro tip

Magda Kay 45:51
That is very true, I will add one thing that if she is on birth control she is not ovulating. Now, this is a whole conversation that we can spend another episode on. But unfortunately, I’m not a big fan of the pill. It unfortunately doesn’t just eliminate the bleeding. It eliminates ovulation as well. So she doesn’t have those animalistic urges to trust. If I may say to just fuck. Sorry, I don’t know if this needs to be censored.

Kevin Anthony 46:16
You can say whatever you want.

Magda Kay 46:18
Awesome. So that happens, but in most cases, a woman does look at more things. So it’s basically it’s a more complex decision for a woman. And you have to again, understand what sex means to us, like we said before about the element of safety. But also remember, for a woman, we’re looking at the fact that you’re probably lying to us because you want to get laid.

Kevin Anthony 46:47
Sad, but true in many cases, yes.

Magda Kay 46:50
And I can get pregnant. Again, depending if I’m you know, on the pill etcetera, then this is not there, but for other women, this will be the case. So I am thinking about these things, I am I am thinking are you just, you know, do you just want to use me for sex, I am analyzing all of this. So, this is where I kind of I don’t want to give men power, because I don’t want you to manipulate this and use it like against women. But she needs to trust you to have sex with you. And trust is about feeling safe. You have to remember that safety can be both objective and subjective. But what really matters is the subject of safety. So it’s not what is objectively safe with you is whether she feels safe with you.

But again, here is where we have you know, all this manipulation like men saying, I’m a giver. You know, for me, her pleasure is more important. It’s all tactics to win her trust, but it’s not true. So, again, if anyone listening, you guys are looking for, like, how can I trick her into trusting me, please don’t do it. It’s like, you have no idea how much you’re damaging a woman if you’re playing her just to have sex. If you only want to hook up, please be honest, trust me, a lot of women are apt for this. You don’t have to break a woman who doesn’t want to hook up, you know, just so that you can have your fun. Essentially, the best way to build trust with a woman is to make sure that you’re in integrity in alignment, meaning, what you think what you say, what you feel, and what you do is the same. And this is really the only definition of safety and trust. So if you’re not in alignment, then you’re off, and either she will feel it or she will not feel it, but down the line, you’re going to hurt her. So I’m talking here about like longer strategies more about what kind of a man you are. But my invitation to all men is to be a man of integrity.

Kevin Anthony 48:50
Oh, absolutely. 100%. You know, like, with all the really great things in life, there’s no shortcut, right? So if, if what you wanted to hear in that answer was like, you know, here’s a couple of quick things you can do to get her to have sex with you. You’re in the wrong show. But you wouldn’t even be here honestly, if that was your mentality, because if you’ve listened to this show for any amount of time, you know, we never give you just quick fixes and cheap tricks, right? This is all about how to become the best version of yourself and how to nurture and grow healthy relationships. So I think that advice is fantastic advice, even though it might take more time even though it might be harder because there are no shortcuts.

Magda Kay 49:37
Absolutely. And if you try again, if you go for a shortcut, like she’s gonna get hurt, you know, she’s gonna get hurt. And I would love for men to actually start care about this.

Kevin Anthony 49:48
Yes, yes, yes. I would love for men to start caring about this too. And I think, you know, there’s obviously always that section of the population. You know, there’s the pickup artists scene and there’s always those people out there, I don’t see them very much in my work. And maybe it’s just because those types of people don’t tend to gravitate towards me in my work. What I see mostly is just a lot of guys who are just clueless, they just don’t know, they just never learned. And obviously, if they’re coming to me, then they have an interest in wanting to learn. So, you know, I’m happy to share this kind of information, because I know that the people that generally tend to follow me are not the ones that are going to want to take it and exploit it. They’re the ones that are like, Oh, that’s what I’ve been effing up all time right.

Magda Kay 50:36
Now, so so. So if you, if you guys listening are really awesome, people wanting to be better, let me give you a few very specific things. Okay. So number one is, don’t hide your sexual interest in a woman. So this is not about saying, oh, I want to have sex with you. But don’t pretend that you’re just a friend. This is not nice. So don’t be afraid to say, Hey, I’m attracted to you. By then you can say listen, I think you’re a very beautiful woman, can I take you for coffee, no pressure, I would just love to spend some time together and get to know you. Right? So this is perfect.

But don’t pretend that you’re not interested. Because then she will feel that something is off, she will not trust you. The second thing is ask open questions like actually be interested in her. Now say, hey, you know, who are you? What do you do? What do you enjoy? Like, like, ask questions, be actually interested in her as a human being, then listen to her, like, nothing like gets to me in a good way. Like, you know, I have a conversation with a guy I’m like, well, he remembers what I said when we like met a month ago. That’s beautiful. So pay attention. And keep checking in you know, it’s, there’s such a thing as boundaries, there is such a thing as consent. So just checking in, say, Hey, listen, is it okay? If I grabbed your hand? Is it okay? If I pay for you? Is it okay? If I kiss you? Like, don’t be afraid to ask. I think you know, these days dating, it’s a bit more complex.

So so just just ask, you know, just ask and see where she is. And don’t put any pressure on her. She’s like, Hey, listen, again, I like you, I’d love to kiss you. If that’s not where you’re at the types of the, okay. So if you give her space, that’s how you make her open up to you. And quite honestly, in most cases, you can win a woman over if you are not pushy, if you’re a good man, if you’re consistent, if you’re giving her space to kind of like draw in you where you are, like, you know, unless there’s a massive like disconnect, she will eventually warm up to you. But if you’re pushing her, you know, to go faster than she wants to. If you focus on wanting to take it, then this will not work. So like focus on building genuine connection with another human being.

Kevin Anthony 53:04
Shocking, right? And yeah, I mean, look, guys, the guys who are listening, she just gave you the playbook. And it wasn’t that long. It wasn’t like 400 pages worth of complex things you had to figure out.

Magda Kay 53:21
And also it doesn’t sound like we’re so mysterious now. Right? But just the human being.

Kevin Anthony 53:26
Appreciate it. Imagine that.

Magda Kay 53:31
Guys, women are not scary. Trust me. Yes, I always say this, by the way. There are really mean women, there are bad men and there are bad women and you will occasionally, you know, come across a woman who is really mean, who is bitchie, who has a lot of healing to do this will happen. But just like, you know, I’m trying to like tell women, please don’t think that all men are bad just because you came across a few players. Same with women, not all women are bad, just because you came across a few gold diggers or you know, women who manipulate or cause a lot of trauma, you will come across them, period. But it doesn’t mean that all women are like this. So approach women from the perspective that women are good human beings.

Kevin Anthony 54:16
Yeah, absolutely. You know, speaking of the YouTube comments, I get a fair amount of comments from men who are so jaded and angry at women, because of those particular women that you’re talking about. And I get comments like, oh, women are like this. And this, they’re always like that. And they always do this. And a lot of times I will just ignore them because I understand where they’re at. But sometimes I’ll come back and I’ll simply say, that’s not been my experience in 50 years on this planet, that has not been my experience. So there is not there is another experience you could be having.

Magda Kay 54:52
I also usually ignore these comments, but sometimes I will respond. And my response is usually like this. I’m sorry this has been like, I’m sorry, this has happened to you. It must be really sad in your reality. Yeah. Because it’s your reality. Like, I like you said, you have known women who are good people. I’m not gonna say about myself, but I can tell you, I know women who are really good. So now not all women are bad. And you know, we have this is how the human mind works. We see what we want to see, you know, this is like a deeper psychological concept. We’re not going to get into this, but just trust me or go and Google this. You see what you want to see.

And so if you’re convinced that women are bad, and they use men, literally, this is all that you will be seeing. And yes, to rewire our minor beliefs, it takes time it takes work. But for anyone listening for both men and women, if you find yourself thinking that the other gender is bad, there are no good men or good women left, then really work on your mindset, because you want to be able to find the good person unless you change what’s in your head first, it’s essential.

Kevin Anthony 56:02
Okay, well, darn man, we are so at the end of the show, and we really haven’t even talked about, I don’t even know, all right, I’m gonna, I’m gonna ask you this, do the best you can with it. When we talked in the pre-interview, you mentioned how women can use the four power centers framework, and I really loved what you were saying I really wanted to talk about the show. But like, as fast as we went on this, okay, I think maybe in a nutshell, like talk about this in kind of, if you can relate it to what we’ve been talking about today, that would be great.

Magda Kay 56:40
I’m like, Okay, let’s give myself 32nd. Okay, so this is true for everyone, by the way, men and women. But I have a book that is specifically for women, when I go in depth into this, we have what I call four power centers. And these are four places in your body that have access to unique wisdom and knowledge about you. This is very similar to when we do the parts work. So you connect to different parts of you, maybe your inner child, and through that, you actually get to access certain information. So we’ve used it in spirituality, we’ve used this in psychology as well like this concept is not something new, it’s been proven in many different forms. What I have personally realized is that you know, there’s a lot of systems that cannot compete, no, I am the right system.

Now, this is the right system, instead of combining them, we realize that each of them brings something to the conversation. And so I created a system of working with your four power centers, which are four centers of wisdom and intuition. And these centers are your head, your heart, your gut, and your PC or your cock. So what it basically means is that you know, for anyone listening, you may already be familiar with the idea that you just close your eyes, and you ask questions within yourself, and you’re trying to connect to God, consciousness, your Higher Self, your heart, like, you know, this, this wisdom insight, what we don’t realize is that very often, we are actually connecting to one of the centers. So it’s not the ultimate truth. It’s not the pure consciousness, it’s not necessarily your highest self. It’s one of the four power centers that in the time of your life, basically has taken over, and is leading your life without you realizing it. And what’s really important to understand is that each of these centers has its own agenda.

So it’s a little bit like having a team of four people, and they all have each department, you know, so we know, you know what it’s like in business, right? The marketing manager always wants more budget for promos, the chief finance officer always wants to give less money. So you can see that their interests are opposite. And the only way a company can succeed if they find a way that works for all of them. If the same here, your four power centers will each one something else, and you have to now close your eyes and speak to all of them to find perfect alignment. So very quickly, your head wants all these big goals, wants everything to be logically set, you know, set the goals move towards them. That’s the head. And we’re all very familiar with this. It’s a very Western way of living. Your heart wants love and connection. But the heart is also very naive. And he thinks that love conquers all. And what we know it’s not exactly the way it works. And the heart doesn’t see the evil doesn’t see the bad. So it’s the heart that, for example, makes us stay in abusive relationships.

When we say, oh, but he has such a great heart or Oh, but she’s so loving. And we ignore the fact that it’s actually abusive. Then we have the gut and it’s about safety and security so important, but we all know that this keeps us away from growing because growth is scary, it’s not comfortable. And then the policy or the COC, so the sex center, this is about pleasure, not just sexual. And again, it’s really important. But we also know the shadow of, you know, being taken over by cravings and pleasure. That’s when we bid on food when we get addicted to sex, also not healthy. And so a beautiful way for both men and women. But I’d say especially women, I think we needed more to really know if I shouldn’t be dating this guy. Or maybe it’s time to break up or get a divorce, should I be having sex is actually take a few moments. First, connect to the centers, check how they feel about it, potentially negotiate with them, and find the place inside of you, that feels like fuck, yes, we can do this. Because if you’re not in that place, you’re essentially abusing yourself, you’re doing something against yourself, you’re breaking your own boundaries. Okay, how did you do one time?

Kevin Anthony 1:01:02
That was amazing. You did, like four minutes.

Magda Kay 1:01:08
I was going for 30 seconds.

Kevin Anthony 1:01:15
That was wonderful. You know, we could literally do an entire show just on that. But I love the fact that you at least got to introduce it a little bit, you got to kind of maybe pique people’s interest. I know this is a big part of the work that you do. Which of course, leads me into you telling everybody how they can find out more about you and where they could potentially work with you.

Magda Kay 1:01:35
So I’ll just start quickly, then the system I just described in four minutes. So I have a book dedicated to this. It’s called No More Faking it. So if you are curious about the system more, I highly recommend the book. There is also a quiz to help you understand which center right now is guiding your whole life like which center through Kovar very, very useful model the book is for women, but I have a lot of men read it as well because it will help you understand women better, but also men can use the whole system. But if you want to learn more if you want to work together, just it’s Magda K across all the platforms. So you can find my website Magda k.com, my YouTube channel, my Instagram is Magda K official. And basically, I tell people to just go online, Google Magda K, the only other market, okay, you’re going to find as a DJ, I am not a DJ, meaning anything that’s not related to music, it’s going to be me.

Kevin Anthony 1:02:40
Awesome. Of course, the link to your website will be in the show notes. So it’s easy for people to find. Okay, I got one last question that I ask everybody that comes on the show. And that is what is your best sexual talent?

Magda Kay 1:02:58
I think touch. Yeah, I’d say touch I’m really good at touching.

Kevin Anthony 1:03:03
I would say that you answered that so quickly. That has to be the right answer. Like, think about it, it was just like, touch God.

Magda Kay 1:03:15
I remember this one. I actually really remember this moment I was with my friend when I used to live in a tantric community. And I think it was just kind of playing with his arm. And he actually said, Mark that you have great touch, you should be doing this professionally. And in a way I was already doing it professionally in my one-on-one in-person sessions that I went to offering massage and I will say yes, I love touching. That’s one of my love languages. And I think because I’ve really, like I’ve, I’ve really explored the whole variety of different touches, you know, and I’m training how to touch. I honestly think I’m really good at this. I wouldn’t say it’s my only talent.

Kevin Anthony 1:04:00
Well, the question wasn’t, you know, is it your only talent? It was one talent. So I absolutely can guarantee there are a bunch more talents there than just that. But thank you for sharing that one. All right, everybody. That’s all the time that I have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

I hope you like this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends. And for more free exclusive content. Join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening. And remember, as Céline used to say you’re amazing!