How To Change Fear, Guilt, Shame, And Anxiety Using Unconventional Methods

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
Alright, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 268 and it is titled How to Change fear, guilt, shame, and anxiety using unconventional methods. And I have a guest on the show today to help us explore some of these unconventional methods. So what we’re really gonna be talking about, yeah, we’re gonna talk about fear, we’re gonna talk about guilt and shame and that kind of stuff. We’re also going to talk about other men’s sexual health problems, which we talk about on the show all the time. So that’s nothing new. But what is going to be new here is the way we approach dealing with those because the guest today has some unconventional and unique approaches. So these are things you may not have heard before.

So it’s going to be interesting, it’s going to be different, I think, than some of the more traditional methods for dealing with these issues. And of course, when we’re talking about fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, those things are not gender specific, right? Everybody experiences them from time to time. So don’t tune out. If you are a lady, it’s not going to be just for men, there’s going to be some stuff that applies equally across the board. So I’m pretty excited to talk about this. Because, you know, when I first started doing this work, a lot of the what we’re now considering more traditional methods for dealing with things like erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, sexual confidence, anxiety, sexual shame, those things really were not being talked a lot, talked about a lot by a lot of people. And so there was really a huge need to cover that. And there still is, I’m not saying that there isn’t. But over the years, more and more people have started to figure out, you know, what needs to be done in that area. And so I’m kind of excited to be potentially bringing some new ideas to the table that I definitely have not heard a lot of people talk about when it comes to these topics. So I think it’s gonna be an interesting show hang in there.

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Okay, so today I have a guest on the show, Sebastian Harris and Sebastian is a dating and sex coach whose mission is to help motivate and inspire men to embrace their sexual energy and to improve their sex life. He has helped men from all over the world to fulfill their potential as lovers. Now you may be asking, why don’t you see Sebastian? Sebastian has requested to remain semi-anonymous, at least his face, you will see a picture in the corner of the screen here. But you will not be seeing him live. But he is here live with us. So welcome, Sebastian to the show.

Sebastian Harris 4:15
Thank you so much for having me. I’m excited for this conversation.

Kevin Anthony 4:20
So before we talk about the unconventional methods themselves, I’m wondering if you can just tell the audience a little bit about the types of sex love, and relationship issues that you usually work with. So what are the types of things that you see frequently that you tend to work with clients on?

Sebastian Harris 4:38
The most common issues that I’m working with especially when men contact me who are in long-term relationships or long, long-term marriages, and they struggle in their relationship and in their marriage, or it’s better to say their sex life is struggling. Most of the time, it’s men who are in relationships where there is a lot of passion, a lot of desire for each other a lot of sexual fulfillment. And then over time, everything got a little bit well, a little bit worse, like the desire went away, the passion went away. And I also work with guys who never brought their girlfriends or wives to an orgasm, who struggle in that regard, who don’t know any specific sexual techniques and how to use them. And I also work with a lot of guys, especially when it comes to the hypnosis sessions I offer who have erectile dysfunction, or who have premature ejaculation and all kinds of other, let’s say sexual dysfunctions.

And in my experience, a lot of times, unless, of course, there was a certain physical trauma, for example, surgery or an accident. But a lot of times the sexual issues as are very closely related to some emotional thing going on to some past trauma that is unresolved. And this is especially something that I believe men don’t want to look at so much. Like we often try to fix something, yeah, give me that pill, Give me that thing, and I’m good again. But especially when it comes to the inner work when it comes to Yeah, when Ireland, for example, say things like open your heart, and my coaching client looks at me like why? These are often things that the guys never really think of, but they can have a huge impact on sexual function, sexual satisfaction, and also in an even bigger picture, how your girlfriend or wife reacts to you in the bedroom.

Kevin Anthony 6:36
Yeah, absolutely. I would say in my experience, the overwhelming majority of clients that I work with, don’t have an actual physical problem. And I think that’s why the work that you do, and also the work that I do, is so important, by physical problem. I mean, you know, they don’t have something that needs to be medically treated. Right. And that’s where I think that alternative methods are really important, which is really my next question to you. From your perspective. I’m curious why you think the alternative methods are so important to helping men with these problems.

Sebastian Harris 7:21
The biggest reason why they are so important is, I think, what you just mentioned that a lot of times, there is some emotional issue that’s underlying, and the guy is not really aware of it. And a lot of the clients that I have, for example, try to fix everything, in a sense, from the external perspective with medicine, with different therapy, let’s say, medical treatments, medical things. They did often also because the wife wanted to, or because the girlfriend wanted to do some marriage counseling, and all that kind of stuff. But they never really addressed the underlying issue because either they weren’t aware of it, or also have, they were too scared to go there. And that’s something that a lot of men don’t really, they don’t admit it to themselves. Because I believe, and I would love to hear your perspective on it. But especially when it comes to these emotional issues, these underlying things, a lot of men try to fix everything on the surface, like to put the plaster and the bandaid on it. And then it’s okay.

But I mean, we men, we’ve been conditioned over generations and generations to man up to not cry, to be stoic too. And especially nowadays, I think with this whole dating advice going on there, and this red pill stuff of like, Don’t ever show emotions, if you show emotions, she will leave you. They’re incredibly scared. I had that so many times, that I had a guy in a coaching session, who was actually scared of opening up about his issues, he was scared of talking about these things with his girlfriend, because he’s so conditioned from external sources that oh my god, she will leave him the moment that he will be vulnerable in the moment that he will open up. And I truly believe and from my perspective, I’m a very spiritual person. I’m into meditation, I do a lot of spiritual practices. From my own trauma healing journey, I know for a fact that if you don’t address these underlying emotional issues, yes, you can push them away one year, another year, another year, but at some point, you have to address it.

Kevin Anthony 9:31
Yeah, you’re absolutely right. And I would say that’s not even just men anymore. These days, it’s probably much more heavily weighted on the men’s side. But I see that with with both men and women, which is they only really want to address the surface stuff. And we see that in most of the mainstream healing methods as well. All they ever really do is address what we call symptoms. Whether the symptoms are physical symptoms and it’s a medication or whether the symptoms are psychological symptoms. They’re still only really ever addressed. Seeing those symptoms and not really getting to the core. So I agree with you. That is that issue is really pervasive throughout society. And I think that’s where alternative methods really come in and attempt to address that. What I think is also interesting, you were just talking about the idea that men are not supposed to be vulnerable and share their emotions. And there are absolutely teachings out there that are teaching men this. And, like so many things in this world, I believe that there is a massive misinterpretation of the original teaching here.

My interpretation is that women absolutely want men to be vulnerable, and they absolutely want them to share their feelings. However, what they don’t want is a wishy-washy mess of an emotional man who can’t, you know, basically hold a container for her. Right? So she’s, she’s not going to be happy if you’re this constant mess of emotions. However, she does want you from time to time to be vulnerable, and be able to express to her how you’re feeling in certain situations, which would include sharing some of your emotions, right? But that gets all mixed up. And it’s like, no, no, you can’t share any emotions whatsoever. You have to be stoic. And that’s absolutely not what women are looking for.

Sebastian Harris 11:34
I 100% agree with you on that. And I always use the following example of what a lot of men think when they, when they think about vulnerability, or being vulnerable is basically, oh my god, I’m a victim, oh, my God, My life sucks, I can’t do anything about it, please, mommy come here. That’s basically what they think about when it’s vulnerability, what vulnerability really means is to have the emotional intelligence to, first of all, accept your emotions to embrace them. And to then also with a sense of, you could say emotional control, which I see as a part of emotional intelligence to communicate your emotions. Because there’s a difference between communicating your emotions and blaring them out like a five-year-old child with a temper tantrum or communicating your emotions in a confident way.

For example, when I’m in bed with a woman, and I talk about my heart surgeries that I had as a baby and as a child. And as a teenager, like sometimes there’s a tiny tears rolling down my eyes because I think about these memories that have been vulnerable when I communicate in a confident way. That actually also has something to do with the hero’s journey, in my opinion. And I actually had women who told me that this was the moment they fell for me because there was a strong emotional component to it. I mean, connecting with another human being sexually, and emotionally, it’s all about emotions. But again, it would be completely different. If I would say, you know, I had these heart surgeries, I will never achieve any success, or poor me. There’s a really big difference between that and I think you and I, in this case, would agree completely that you are being vulnerable. And being whiny, however you want to call it is not the same thing. Yeah, definitely.

Kevin Anthony 13:22
You’re right, I do completely agree. And I liked the way that you summed that up, it was really clear that distinction between the two. And you know, what, what I’m seeing in societies is men tend to end up in one or the other extreme camps right there either in the arm a victim, you know, wow, you know, what was my kind of thing, or there, I’m not showing any emotion whatsoever. And so I think to bring this message as we are right now, in this show that you can, there is like a middle ground, so to speak, where you can be vulnerable and share, but you can do so in a way that also is manly, for lack of a better term, right? Like you’re still being, you’re still in your mat, healthy masculinity, you’re still holding a container and a space. But you’re also showing that you do feel something and that you’re interested in communicating that to her. So yeah, totally in agreement, absolutely. A middle ground. And I really hope that men who are listening to this can really hear that.

Sebastian Harris 14:24
All right. Now one thing, one thing if I can add that also to being vulnerable, which is something that some men don’t even think about in this sphere. If you are together with a woman, let’s say as an example, a man has a certain sexual dysfunction. Let’s say he’s in bed with a woman. I mean, it never happened to me. But let’s say if it happens to a guy, he’s in bed with a woman and he can’t get it up, which by the way happened to me, that’s not what I meant. But let’s say he can’t get it up. And the woman does what you only usually see in some whatever teenager American Pie comedy movie, where she goes like, oh my god, oh my god get away from you loser. If a woman would react like this, then you know that you don’t want to be in a relationship or even dating or seeing this nurse woman again.

Yeah, because in my experience, and I mean, I’m very honest about it also sharing these kinds of experiences with my audience, like, for example, the very first time, I had a sexual experience with a girl who was modeling, I was so overwhelmed by her beauty that this thing wasn’t working. And I was just completely honest, in this moment, I said, like, look, you’re so beautiful. My brain, and obviously, my penis can handle it right now. So how about which is cuddling and kissing a little bit, she was totally understanding. And then after a while, I felt comfortable, and everything was working. I’ve never experienced it. And also, so have none of my clients that a woman did what so many men are afraid of like laughing at them and ridiculing them. But if a woman would ever react like this with you, then you know that she’s not the right woman. And the same is of course, also true the other way around. Let’s say if we’re talking about a woman, let’s say suffering from vaginal dryness, as an example, and she wants her boyfriend or the guy she’s sleeping with to use lube, and the guys then shaming her for it, or making fun of her, then you don’t want to be with this person.

Kevin Anthony 16:21
Yeah, that is an excellent point to bring up. Women are far more understanding than women give them credit for sometimes we do have this fear that if for whatever reason, our sexual performance isn’t up to par, or our penis isn’t working, that they’re totally going to shame and ridicule us. And that has never been my experience at all. And nor have I really heard that much from clients. Women are generally pretty understanding, the only thing that they really ask for is that you communicate with them. And so in your example that you just brought up, you did a beautiful job of really just communicating to her what was happening for you in that moment. And she was like, oh, okay, now I know. Great. Right?

Sebastian Harris 17:07
Exactly. And some guys are actually dickheads about it. I mean, I’ve talked to women where, for example, a guy couldn’t get it up, and then he was blaming the woman for it. And of course, that’s not the right thing to do. And I think there are two reasons why men are so focused on that and think that women are so ruthless. First of all, pretty obvious pornography. I mean, if a guy, for example, watches some porn, where the girl goes, like, Oh, my God is not big enough. Then of course, the subconscious mind saves that. But what I think also plays a role, and I will again, love your opinion on that is that we men often come to this wrong conclusion that we look at a beautiful woman. And because of her physical attractiveness, we automatically assume that this woman has no fears. No insecurities. She’s not a human being she’s a goddess. She’s always happy smiling all day long, confident, like a rocket. And how could she possibly in any way or shape or form have instincts has insecurities? Yeah, yeah. Well, that then leads to that mismatch.

Kevin Anthony 18:09
Yeah, and I mean, look, guys, if you’re thinking that, boy, do you have it wrong, most of the really beautiful women that I have known in my life are generally just as insecure as any other woman and sometimes even more insecure. Why? Because they’re so beautiful. A lot of times men won’t even approach them. They just, they just go, You know what, she’s out of my league, I’m not even going to approach them. So you think that they have this line of men down the street and they get to be super choosy? And the No, yeah, no, but that’s often not the case. And they’re often very insecure about the fact that people are afraid to approach them. They don’t necessarily know how to act in certain situations. So this idea that, you know, this woman is so beautiful that yeah, it’s just simply not true. Yes, she may be beautiful, yes, there may be a few women out there who are like that, but they’re not the majority. And you really would want to see her regardless of how beautiful a supermodel whatever, has basically the same as any other woman. In other words, she has the same concerns, the same fears, the same, all of that stuff that any other woman would have.

Sebastian Harris 19:24
And especially in my experience, especially women who are modeling and I’m not talking about some Instagram model with 5000 followers, I mean, like girls are really modeling. They are the most insecure because all day long, they are judged for their physical appearance. And when they are one fingernail breaks and one little scratch or something, it’s the end of the world. Because basically that’s that’s what they’re judged for. And what you also just said, which is interesting with the lot of beautiful women not getting approached it’s something that a lot of guys don’t believe me when I say it because I mean I also have another podcast, dating podcast where I help men to overcome that approaching anxiety and get over their fear of women. I have so many clients, especially clients, who are cold had in-person coaching who were shocked when like the most beautiful women reacted the most positively. Because yes, they get 10,000, DMS and likes on Instagram and oh my god, you got us oh my god, oh my god comments. But whenever a man sees them in public, they often look and they never do anything. And if you still don’t believe me, then ask your five best friends. If a top model would walk, walk past you, which of the guys would approach her? I bet you that all of the guys would say, Oh my God, oh, no, never. She’s way out of my league.

Kevin Anthony 20:39
Yep, that’s that’s what these women have said to me. So yeah, that’s, that is a real thing. And it’s something as a guy to be conscious of. Right. So one, don’t treat them differently. And two, if you do see a beautiful woman, and you want to approach her go for it. But that’s not always an easy thing to do. And so this is where I want to kind of shift the conversation into what these alternative approaches are. So let’s talk about I’ve got a bunch here, I’m going to kind of jump around in order. But since we’re talking about approaching a beautiful woman, let’s talk about sexual confidence. What how, like, how do you deal with that? Well, what type of approach do you use to help men with their sexual confidence?

Sebastian Harris 21:30
I always want to find out what is the underlying issue that leads to a lack of sexual confidence. And when it comes to identifying that underlying issue, then I’m going to think about how we can tackle that the best way to give you an example. If a guy has What’s the word for it again, body dysmorphia. Like, let’s say he’s not confident with his body. Because I mean, let’s use my own example, when I was in my early 20s. And especially in my teenage years, I was so insecure and had so much self-hate because of my scars because of my heart surgeries. And I kid you not That’s a true story with my very first girlfriend, I did not take my shirt off. Like I just couldn’t do it until at some point, I had no other chance. And she then reacted in the most positive way and said like, don’t worry about it’s all good. But for me, it was like the biggest insecurity. I didn’t go with my friends to the lake because I didn’t want to see and want other people to see me. I was afraid of that completely. It was one of the biggest say fears that I have.

And nowadays, I’m so open and so okay with it. One thing that helped me tremendously, especially my American clients, because most of my clients are Americans, always confused in the beginning, but for me as a German it’s very normal. And that’s nudism if you at some point right now are not happy. And I would say that to a man and a woman. If you’re not happy with the way your body looks. One of the best things you can do to accept yourself more to be around people who are accepting of your body shape of the way you look is nudism that’s one of the most freeing experiences ever. And I still remember the very first time I went to a nudist beach I was like shaking I was like oh my god. Oh my god, what am I doing? Yeah, oh my God. And he was just so free to then talk to these people and I went to different resorts and it’s also a great place to network by the way they a lot of successful people who do that you wouldn’t believe it, but it’s a very, very, very, I can say buddy embracing way of living your life. And that’s the first tip I would give in this regard. That is so healing.

Kevin Anthony 23:42
Yeah, I completely agree. You and I talked a little bit in the pre-interview about this. I have been a nudist pretty much my entire life. I happen to live very close to one of the often considered top nude beaches in the world. I’ve been spending over 20 years hanging out down there when it’s warm and sunny. And I can honestly tell you from personal experience that you will see every type and shape and color and grooming and size that you can possibly think of people think oh, they’re gonna go to a nude beach or maybe a nudist club and it’s going to be all these beautiful supermodels running around and they’re not going to look like that. So they don’t want to do it. It’s not like that at all. It is like any other segment of the population. You’ve got everything that you can possibly think of. This is one that I often recommend for guys who have insecurity around the size of their penis because having spent a fair amount of time around new displaces of all sizes, and I can tell you, the big ones are the minority are the minority. And most men are not that big. But then again all these guys run around thinking that their no normal size is somehow small, it’s like, no, just go hang out where there’s a bunch of naked men, and you’ll soon realize that you’re perfectly average, probably right in the middle of everybody else.

Sebastian Harris 25:10
And guys, always remember, there are showers and there are growers. That’s also good to remember.

Kevin Anthony 25:14
That is true as well. But it’s really a real thing. I have a personal friend, who, you know, he comes down to the nude beach with us sometimes as well. But he’s always had this thing that his penis is too small. And it’s not at all. And I’ve spoken to several of his girlfriends about it, like, No, it’s great, like, we’re gonna need it. But in his head to this day, he still thinks he’s too small. And he’s got, you know, an issue around that. And so it’s a real thing. Regardless of how many women might tell, you know, it’s perfectly fine. Sometimes men suffer from that problem. And so that can be a real impediment to being sexually confident, because, you know, it’s very similar to what you were sharing with not wanting to take your shirt off. A lot of times, these guys, you know, don’t want to take their clothes off, or they’re afraid that as soon as they you know, take their pants off, she’s gonna laugh at him, or she’s not going to be satisfied or anything like that. Whereas the majority of the time, they are probably just perfectly big enough for her. Most women are not looking for gigantic cocks.

Sebastian Harris 26:16
Exactly. And I might in this situation, always remember, let’s say porn is your enemy. When it comes to that, of course, like if you watch a lot of porn, then of course, you will think you need some kind of 30-centimeter baseball bat. With which I mean, there’s, there’s also a limit to what a woman can take, let’s say, like this. And it’s way more important, at least in my experience, to know how to use that thing, instead of it being one or two centimeters shorter or longer. And of course, the more you also know about other sexual practices, like for example, making her squirt give her g spot orgasms, leading her to an orgasm, then she will be so satisfied that she will actually forget that you have a dig, so don’t worry about.

Kevin Anthony 27:04
Exactly. So okay, so the first piece of advice is, you know, go spend time around nudists to help you get over that part. Anything else that you would recommend, or that you would do with a client in order to help them with their sexual confidence?

Sebastian Harris 27:18
Definitely, I would say sexual confidence is often also linked, at least for a lot of guys, to their confidence in general. Like I, for example, experienced it and a lot of guys who suffered from sexual confidence issues. They often also in combination had something like social anxiety, or insecurity and in other situations in their life. And in this case, a simple step-by-step program to step out of your comfort zone outside of the bedroom, but also inside of the bedroom. What I also mean, to share that with you, I don’t know maybe it’s too politically incorrect for the podcast.

But I did that with one client. And they also write about that in my book on my dating podcast, I had one coaching client who was absolutely terrified of anything sexual. Like of seeing a woman naked, the thought of seeing a woman naked, stopped him from actually approaching a woman, because in his mind, subconsciously, and at some point, he was also consciously aware of it. He thought, Okay, if I woke up to that woman, I get the phone number, I get a date. At some point, we have to be in bed and Oh, my God, I can’t do that. And what I did then, and I want to make a very clear disclaimer here, no sex was involved. Nothing. No, let’s say how to say prostitution, nothing at all. Because in Germany, all that stuff is completely legal. And it’s okay. I hope it’s okay. If I talk about it. Absolutely, absolutely. It’s nothing because I know in the US it’s not. But in Germany, it’s totally legal. And we have a lot of those, what it’s called sauna clubs, which is basically like a big spa for men, with like, 20 naked girls walking around to want to say, have fun with some clients for money. It’s completely normal. We have that in almost every city. And I just went there with him. And we just paid the entry for the spa. We didn’t do anything naughty like that. As I said, Nothing was prostitution. But he was then surrounded by naked women.

And I will never forget that picture of him on the couch with two naked girls next to him. And he was like, Oh, my God, oh, my god, like almost going crazy. It’s like, just relax in the situation. I know, you can do that. I know you can do it. And we were just talking to them. Because you could just go there have a sauna and whatever, and then go away again. And we were just talking with them. And he got calmer and calmer because he was exposed basically expose exposure therapy, in a sense to those naked women. And then after about I think was 30 minutes or 40 minutes, we went out again. And I was like, can you approach that woman? Isn’t it? Of course, I can. What do you think? And his whole anxiety was basically gone. So exposure theory is something that you can do step by step. Yeah.

Kevin Anthony 29:59
That’s fantastic. So the the premise of this show is that there are alternative ways to approach these issues. And you just gave two that people don’t usually talk about one, of course, is spending time around the nudist places. The other is exposure therapy. And I think those are, those are really interesting and unique approaches to dealing with it. But in the case of the client, you were just sharing, it sounds like it had a tremendously positive effect.

Sebastian Harris 30:28
Exactly. I also had, for example, I mean, I didn’t do coaching with him in Amsterdam, but I had a client who told me an American actually, that he was on his holiday to Amsterdam, he was just flirting with the girls in the windows there, he didn’t do anything sexual, he was just flirting with them. And by doing that he was practicing being sexual with a woman in a let’s say, communication sense, eye contact, sense body language sense. And this already helped him. And then I would say one of the best things that every man can do. And I think every human being on planet earth, no matter what gender is meditation because so many times sexual performance issues are because of nervousness. Just like in the example I shared with you when I was with this really beautiful woman. I mean, my brain was going left, right center in every direction, and then there was no blood for my feelings anymore. Because it was all in my brain going like, Oh, my God, what’s going on? Oh, afraid, afraid.

And the more you meditate, and the more calmness you develop in your life, the more calm and relaxed you will be in the bedroom, and I would even see that as a bigger picture, then you also have to ask yourself, Do I live a life that allows me to live in a relaxed space in a relaxed state, because I mean, there’s so much scientific research that when your cortisol level goes up, your sexual function goes down, your testosterone goes down, the blood flow in your body goes down, which means like, the blood can flow to your, to your penis anymore. And nowadays, we are so conditioned to live these lives of constant stress, we are basically trapped in a fight or flight mode all the freaking time. Whereas in the past, it was like a saber-toothed tiger in front of the cage. And after 10 minutes, he was gone again. Nowadays, we’re around that co-worker with triggers us eight hours a day, then we’re in traffic, then we are stressed because of something else. This is something that a lot of my clients in the beginning, but I thought you just share one or two techniques with me. And I’m like, Yeah, but look at your life and the big picture.

Kevin Anthony 32:28
Yes, yes. And more. Yes. So two things I want to talk about there. And this came up actually, in the first thing we were talking about with sexual confidence. You mentioned it twice. And I just kind of want to reiterate it because it’s something that I teach my clients all the time, which is that your sex life and your relationship is not external to the rest of your life. Right. So what you pointed out was, you know, okay, they’re having issues with sexual confidence. But if I can help them become more confident in other areas of their life, they’ll see their sex life becoming more confident, right? And I do the same thing with my clients where I’m like, Okay, let’s get you more confident in the bedroom. But I’m going to tell you right now, you’ll also see that your confidence outside the bedroom is going to improve as well, because these things are not separated in vacuums, right?

So it’s all part of who you are. In the same thing with the anxiety, you are absolutely right in pointing out that we experience massive amounts of anxiety all day long through all the other, you know, interactions that we have at our work, you know, maybe other relationships, just the stress of driving in the car, whatever it is. And that is also going to affect performance, you can’t isolate those things, you need to address them all together. So you’re absolutely right about that. And then the next part, which is meditation is also something that I often work with, with clients. And I think it is a tremendously powerful tool. And I’m glad that you brought it up. I often get the same response from clients, they kind of roll their eyes, and then I Yeah, I’ve heard of this meditation stuff.

Sebastian Harris 34:05
Spiritual woo-woo. Yeah, I mean, I always use meditation, and of course, also hypnosis, which I want to get into session.

Kevin Anthony 34:13
Yes, I want to get into that in just a moment also. But I do want to say, that meditation absolutely works. I’ve had clients who absolutely were, like, just doing it to humor me. And then later on, we’re like, yeah, you know, I noticed actually, I was significantly calmer. My favorite clients are the ones like, you know, I just finished up working with a client, who, you know, I generally try not to get too into things like, you know, esoteric teachings, like, you know, chakras and Tantra and all that even though I have a strong background in it, because I know a lot of people just they can’t connect with it and resonate with it. So if they didn’t come to me specifically for that, I tried to kind of leave that terminology out. But I was working with this client and I wanted to introduce him to two ideas, the ideas of how to move energy through his body, and how to use meditation. And at some point, he says to me, he’s like, oh, yeah, well, I know all about chakras and stuff like that. And oh, okay. Now, there’s no holding back, right? Like, now I can use all the words I want to use. And so I love working with those clients. When I brought up the idea of meditation and how he could use that, to help his sexual performance, it was like a light bulb went off. And he was like, oh, oh, yeah. I never thought of using it for that.

Sebastian Harris 35:32
I mean, yeah, also, I’m very honest about, let’s say, the spiritual practices that I do, for example, I mean, I’m, I always want to say, I’m not affiliated with that guy at all. But I always recommend the teachings of Dr. Joe Dispenza. I don’t know if you’re familiar with him or not. He has a lot of guided meditations, I went to several of his week-long advanced retreats. So I’m totally into that kind of stuff. And I just share it with my clients to say like, honestly, I’m not affiliated with him, I don’t gain anything, that’s no big financial benefit. It might help you, maybe you want to have a look at it. And then I also say, just practice the meditation techniques that I share with them. Do it for 30 days, if it doesn’t work at all, call me a spiritual idiot. It’s all good. Don’t worry, no hard feelings. But to be honest, I never had a guy who actually did it, and who didn’t achieve at least a positive effect.

Kevin Anthony 36:20
Yeah, it’s amazingly powerful. And I am a big fan of Dr. Joe Dispenza. My wife Céline, was a huge fan of Dr. Joe Dispenza. And did a lot of his work, having read several of his books personally. And of course, listen to a lot of his videos as well. But what I think is interesting about his work is, you know, he’s not necessarily creating anything that hasn’t already been created, but what he’s doing is using science and technology to validate it.

Sebastian Harris 36:51
So exactly. That’s an interesting thing.

Kevin Anthony 36:53
Yeah, I find it fascinating. Because basically, what they do is they hook people to a bunch of biofeedback at the beginning of a workshop and take all these measurements of what’s going on in their body, then they go through, you know, this couple of days, or whatever, of doing these meditations, and then they take all of those measurements again. Then they find that massive things have shifted in their physiology. Let’s talk a little bit about hypnosis because that is something that I don’t hear a lot of people talking about when it comes to, basically sexual issues.

Sebastian Harris 37:30
Yeah, I mean, who knows, this was something that always interested me, because if you can maybe remember, I mean, I don’t know how it was in the US, but especially in Germany, about 10 years ago on neurolinguistic programming was really the big thing everybody was talking about. It was like this huge thing. And there were always some connections with hypnosis. And then, on my journey, let’s say while diving deeper into the meditations and into all that kind of stuff. I then I don’t even remember when it was, but I was again, introduced to a hypnotist, who I had read about in I think it was the game back then, like that dating pickup book that started this whole seduction, let’s say seduction community, in a sense from Neil Strauss back then. And that’s Mike Mandel.

And I decided to take his certification course because I was just interested in it. And then I took another certification course and I got more and more into it for different books, and developed my own hypnosis techniques. At first, I only used hypnosis for sexual confidence. Were thinking, okay, let’s just use it for confidence. I mean, it’s subconscious programming, basically, in hypnosis and get my client in this beautiful brainwave state, where they are very receptive like an alpha brainwave state where they are very receptive to new information, their subconscious mind is receptive to it. And then we changed beliefs and developed more confidence until this one client, and I will never forget that this one client had trouble keeping an erection. He could get an erection but not keep an erection. And he had already tried so many different things. He was already on a guy in his late 50s. If I remember, he was already on Cialis. He already had something else, like testosterone replacement therapy, like everything, basically, as Joe Dispenza would say, matter to matter.

This is kind of in the physical sense. And he just asked me hey, can we do hypnosis for me to keep my erection? So for erectile dysfunction, basically, and I was like, Yeah, but I want to make one thing clear like disclaimer here, no guarantee and we’re just going to do this because I wasn’t really so sure if it would work. And I did it with him and he was like, he felt so amazing in it. I let him like visualize everything and go into this deep relaxed state of subconscious state embraced it. He felt amazing afterward. And he sent me a message, a voice message over WhatsApp the next day. He was almost crying and then voice message so happy was he. And he told me like, oh my god like I had sex with my wife, he was amazing. And I could keep the erection. I was like, Okay, that is unique. And then after that, this this was for me the confirmation like, hey, Sebastian, you can do it, hypnosis also can work for that. Since then, I have used it for all kinds of different things, sexual confidence, erectile dysfunction, and premature ejaculation. Again, I always say disclaimer, I’m not a medical professional. I’m a certified hypnotist, I’m a coach, but not a medical professional. I can, of course, never give any guarantees. But the success of my clients with it is really, really incredible.

Kevin Anthony 40:51
Yeah, it’s a very, very powerful tool. And, again, I just I don’t think a lot of people are really using it in the way that you’re using it. So I think it’s interesting to put it out there and let people know that there are alternatives. There are other options out there. And you know, it’s funny, you mentioned the guy with the being able to keep his erection. This is a very common misconception. And I don’t know that the doctors prescribing these things do a very good job of really telling people how this works. But all those medications do is increased blood flow into the penis, but they do nothing to keep it there.

Sebastian Harris 41:34
So it’s actually a very good point.

Kevin Anthony 41:36
Yeah, that’s true, but they do absolutely nothing to keep it there. And so, you know, if you go in, and you tell a doctor, well, you know, yeah, I can get an erection, but it doesn’t last, and they will put you on, you know, Cialis, Viagra, or whatever it is, that’s not actually addressing the problem, you’re gonna maybe force more blood in there, but you’re not doing anything to figure out how to keep it there. So that’s, that’s a big misunderstanding, I would say to men who are listening, that if you can achieve an erection, and it just you can’t keep the erection, that don’t be fooled into thinking that those particular drugs are going to solve your problem. In fact, coming up in a few weeks, I will be having a doctor on the show to specifically talk about that exact issue of how do you keep the blood in the penis? From a more matter perspective, right now we’re talking from a more psychological perspective. Okay, I got a couple of other things here, we’re getting kind of close to the end of the show. But there are a few little things we talked about in the pre-interview that I wanted to just bring up and see where they go. So we talked a little bit about the self-love factor. And I’m wondering if you could maybe talk to the audience a little bit about how self-love factors into these types of issues, and then how your unconventional methods can work with that.

Sebastian Harris 43:02
Oh, self-love has a huge effect on how you perform in the bedroom. Because if you I mean, it’s all it’s all interconnected, let’s say like this, if you are not confident about your body, like, again, my example with my scars back in the days, I didn’t really love myself. In fact, I hated myself in this again, has a negative effect on my sexual performance. Because I hate myself and I perceive myself as unattractive. I then also assume that other people in this case, the woman I’m sleeping with, will most likely perceive me as unattractive. And then of course, my sexual function goes down the drain. So I believe it’s all connected like self-confidence, self-love, and how attractive you perceive yourself as because if you truly love yourself, you embrace yourself the way you are. And again, here I want to say I see it a little bit differently than some people.

When I say I love myself the way I am. I don’t mean that it should give you permission to just eat potato chips all day long to get so overweight, that you can see your penis anymore and not walk up the stairs anymore. It’s about loving yourself to where you are, but also at the same time saying, hey, where can I improve? Which areas can I improve? And for me, that’s what’s so interesting we talked about  Joe Dispenza and the meditation practices. I really developed self-love when I practiced brain and heart coherence and really tuning into my heart. And this is also something that I often practice with clients, where sometimes in the beginning they say what brain and heart Koreans heart coherence. What are you talking about? That’s too weird for me. But then when they tune into their heartache are like, Oh my god, I can feel my heart. This is so beautiful. Sometimes I have guys like I remember one client he had a military background like some special forces. I mean, this guy has probably done things and seen things that I can’t even imagine. And when he opened his heart it was like, wide open, like pure love coming out there and then as a result of that, also a sexual function. got way better.

For me this practice of self-love is about, let’s say, in a practical sense, brain and heart coherence, or in the first step heart coherence. And if, for example, somebody who’s listening to this wants to look that up, you could type into YouTube, Heart Math Institute, heart coherence, that’s a good start, for example, on that self-self journey, but then even deeper than that, and to change the way you are, in a sense, change the way you behave, change the way you talk to yourself. There’s this beautiful book from, I think his name is Oh, I always confuse those two Kamal Ravi Kahn, I think he’s the brother of that. I think billionaire navall Ravi Kant is a very famous tech entrepreneur. And he wrote a book, love yourself, like your life depends on it, if I remember correctly, that’s the title. It’s a very short book, but he basically lost his startup, he was suicidal, like, very negative energy. And all he did all day long. And it’s a very simple, it’s a simple way of looking at it. Maybe too simple. But I really liked that book. It’s where he says all day long, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself until the subconscious mind, at some point believed that, and something inside of him changed. I wouldn’t even go in that far to do that.

But to observe your thoughts, how are you talking to yourself? These are often thoughts that we’re not even aware of, it’s something from our childhood, we are conditioned with it. And then call yourself out, as I always say, on your own bullshit, they call yourself out on these thoughts and change these thoughts. And in the same way, as so many of my coaching clients, they have talked to themselves in ways where it’s no wonder that they have sexual dysfunction. Yeah, like, I’m not attractive, I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough. I’m not tall enough. I’m not inserting whatever limiting beliefs, you might think of enough. And to then change that self-talk and to really feel yourself into what it would feel like, if you were sexually confident, if you were self-confident, if you would love yourself, then again, you will look at yourself in another way. And you will also look at women in another way. Because you subconsciously believe that they look at you in a different way.

Kevin Anthony 47:18
Yes, so powerful, what you just shared. And I love the distinction you made between what some people think self-love is and what self-love really is. And, you know, so you’re right, that self-love isn’t an excuse to not do what you need to do. Right. So if you happen to be overweight, yeah, you want to love yourself, a I’m overweight. But self-love also means getting up off your butt. And eating right and exercising and doing what it takes to get to a healthy weight. And so super important to understand the difference between those that you want. First of all, you want to have self-love. Second of all, self-love is not an excuse to not do what you need to do. But then third, there are some things that you simply can’t change about who you are. And you have to grow to love that like a perfect example, like, I’m five foot nine, I always wanted to be at least six feet tall, right? Am I going to be hating myself? Because I’m not six feet tall? No, you just have to learn to love the fact that you’re five foot nine or so.

Sebastian Harris 48:24
And at some point, at some point, you might even laugh these things about yourself so much. Because I mean, when I, for example, about myself self turning was really interesting. After a while, I met somebody who’s an expert in scar removal. And he offered me to remove my scars. And I was like, No, thank you. That’s okay. I’m good. And again, this is a part of the self-love journey. I mean, back when I was a teenager, I would have paid every amount of money in the world that I could have to remove them. And now I’m like, No, I’m fine. I love myself that way. But at the same time, I think it’s also loving to yourself to eat healthy, it’s loving to yourself to work out. That’s way more loving to yourself than letting yourself go. And that’s also something where I’m very honest with my coaching clients. I mean, I’m German, like, I don’t care about political correctness. I know nowadays, even doctors are sometimes afraid to tell patients that if you continue to eat like that, you know, you will die, or your body shaming me. Like no, I’m trying to save your life. And I had it with coaching clients actually with older guys where nothing was working down there anymore. And they went to the gym, they lost a significant amount of weight, they changed their diet. And believe it or not, they had wet dreams again. And the doctors actually said you hit your second puberty so by making these lifestyle changes that can be also drastic improvements, especially if somebody’s listening was like very overweight. I have several coaching clients who turned their life around with these lifestyle changes. And they literally had a second puberty because their testosterone don’t wind up again. Their penis started functioning again out of nowhere.

Kevin Anthony 50:05
Yep. You know, it’s interesting, because in another interview, I was talking about some of these things about how you really have to make big lifestyle changes, you know, if things aren’t where you want them to be functioning the way you want them to be. And the person I was speaking with said, Well, you’re really saying things that people don’t want to hear? And I said, Yeah, but it’s what works, right? So whether they want to hear it or not, we have to share these things with people. So I applaud you for doing that with your coaching clients and saying the difficult things that need to be said, because, yeah, if you want your body to function physically the way it’s supposed to function, you’ve got to take care of it.

Sebastian Harris 50:47
You know, a lot of a lot of people want change, but not many people want to change.

Kevin Anthony 50:53
Yes, exactly. Because if you want to change is going to require work.

Sebastian Harris 51:00
Exactly. But in the end, you will feel so much better about yourself about your life, not just your sex life, but about every aspect.

Kevin Anthony 51:07
Well, yeah. And you know, you sort of have to ask yourself the question, if you’re not willing to do the work to have the best life that you can have, then what are you doing here? What’s the point of being here? Right? This whole place, this is this is a training ground, right? We’re supposed to learn and grow and become better versions of ourselves. And so if you’re not willing to do the work to do that, you really have to question, what are you doing here? Now, I’m not suggesting you should then opt to leave. That’s not the point. But the point is, is that you have to realize that this is actually the reason you’re here.

Sebastian Harris 51:44
Just always remember what Arnold Schwarzenegger said, you can climb the ladder of success with your hands and your buckets.

Kevin Anthony 51:51
Exactly, exactly. And he is a great success going from literally nothing to being extremely famous, wealthy, powerful, and all of the above. So. All right. So we are really running out of time. But it’s been a fascinating conversation. I just I have two more questions. Really, the next one is, do you have any last advice for people when it comes to these issues and how they might use alternative approaches to solve them?

Sebastian Harris 52:23
I think the best advice I can give is to when it comes to these alternative ways, or no matter if it’s meditation, lifestyle changes, or different exercises, is to at least give it a shot. Even if you say spiritualities for losers meditation, Wherever, wherever, and you’re totally against it. I mean, it’s your life, it’s your sex life. And especially if you’ve tried all kinds of other things, give it a shot. Because I always believe that you can become living proof that it works. Even if in the beginning, you have doubt. You don’t believe in it. You say like, oh, that’s some bullshit, whatever might be your thought process. But to just give it a shot, because you have nothing to lose, you have nothing to lose whatsoever.

Kevin Anthony 53:07
I completely agree. You got nothing to lose, and especially if you’ve tried other things and they haven’t worked, why not try this? You keep trying until you find something that works. Okay. Before I ask you the very last question, why don’t you go ahead and tell the audience where they can find more from you. And if they’re interested in working with you how they can do that?

Sebastian Harris 53:30
If you want to find out more about me, you can of course, listen to my podcast, the sex education for men podcast, that can be found on iTunes, Spotify, and every podcast platform out there at least I hope it’s on every platform. You can also go to sex education for men.com/coaching. There, you can find out more about all the different coaching sessions I offer, including my hypnosis sessions. And you can also go to sex education for men.com/sex God in there, you can find out more about my eight-week sex core transformation coaching program, where we will have eight individual coaching sessions together. You also get a bunch of bonuses that you can find out more about we will discuss everything from sexual confidence sexual performance, anxiety, yes, also self-love, different sexual techniques, how you can satisfy your girlfriend or wife better. And we’re just basically giving you the whole transformation.

Kevin Anthony 54:25
Awesome and the link to segregation.com will be in the description. So go find it there. Okay, last question, which is a question I asked everybody that comes on the show. Excited. What is your best sexual talent?

Sebastian Harris 54:43
My best sexual talent? Oh, that’s a good question. I would say nowadays, giving a woman squirting orgasms. If you want I can share a really very politically incorrect and no Are the story with you at the end about that? Oh, please do if you still want, I had this experience with, with this woman where I mean, I was studying all kinds of different courses, programs, everything about let’s say how to stimulate a woman’s G spot which is also a part of my eight-week sex core transformation coaching program. And so I was in bed with this woman and she was very self-conscious about let’s say her squirting and you know, releasing fluids and that kind of stuff. And I was making her come like two times and the bed was already getting a little bit wet. And then she said like, Yeah, I mean, it feels so freakin good. She never experienced it in her life. She never had a squirting orgasm before. But she doesn’t want to ruin the bedsheets and I’m like, Okay, let’s go to the bathtub. So she was lying in the bathtub, no water inside. And just like in a warzone every time like she had an orgasm. I was like, I’d say ducking behind the back is the right word. But behind the bad pop while she was exploding again, and then going at it again. And I think at the end, it was like, I don’t know, 678 years. Like, I can’t anymore. I can’t anymore. It was a very, very fun experience.

Kevin Anthony 56:10
I bet it was. So you know, the bathtub was a great solution in the moment, I will also say, you know, certainly my wife was a big female ejaculator. And the solution to not constantly ruining your bed or your sheets is to get a proper sex blanket that’s made to absorb all of that. If you go to KevinandCéline.com, and go to the products tab, you will find the links there to some affiliate products where you can go purchase those. I have multiple of them in the house. There’s some upstairs and downstairs. So you’re never caught with that one.

Sebastian Harris 56:48
That’s actually amazing. That’s a really good idea.

Kevin Anthony 56:51
Yes, yes, yes. If you woman is a female ejaculator it is a must. It is an absolute must. And even if she’s not, you know, there’s still a lot of other sex fluids that end up all over your sheets. So I recommend it even if she’s not a female ejaculator. Alright, Sebastian, thank you so much for coming on the show and talking about the work that you do and giving people some ideas for alternative methods that they might use to solve their sexual problems.

Sebastian Harris 57:21
Thank you so much for having me. It was a pleasure.

Kevin Anthony 57:24
All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And I will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 57:42
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. That’s kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. Thanks for listening. And remember, you’re amazing!