How To Live Happily Ever After With Justin & Cresta

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 267. It is titled How to finally live happily ever after with Justin and Cresta. So what are we talking about here? Obviously, everybody’s heard live happily ever after. Most people, I think these days assume that it’s just a cheesy Disney line that doesn’t actually exist. Granted, you know, I did not have the opportunity with my wife to live the rest of our lives. But I can tell you that the time we did spend together all those years were very happily ever after. And I know that it is possible. And I have some guests on the show today who also are living this and I think they are going to be able to give us a really good idea of how we can create this in our lives because it is absolutely possible. You can live a long happily married life, it doesn’t have to get boring. It doesn’t have to get stale. It doesn’t have to become cohabitation, co-parenting, or any of the things that it often becomes for people. So then the question is, how do we get there, we’re going to talk about that in just a moment.

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Okay, so Justin and Kresta are certified coaches whose mission is to help couples who are struggling with intimacy and communication in all areas of their relationship, but are both looking for and longing for a deep connection. So welcome Justin and Cresta to the show.

Justin Burt 2:46
Hey, thanks for having us.

Cresta Burt 2:47
We’re excited to be here.

Kevin Anthony 2:50
I like in your bio, you know, you mentioned that you work with couples who are struggling with intimacy and communication, but that they are actually looking for a deep connection or a good relationship. And that’s something that my wife and I always specialized in to in other words, like we didn’t we didn’t specialize in working with couples that were on the verge of divorce and breakup. Right? Right. We specialize in helping people like they love each other. They want to be together, but they can’t figure out how to make it work or how to get to the place they want to get to. And so I think that’s a beautiful place to be as far as being able to help people because there’s so many people in that niche that you’re addressing.

Justin Burt 3:33
Yeah, there are, you know, with marriages, so often, there’s so many things that pop up that kind of derail you from that original intent when you got married. Because when you got married, you had that honeymoon phase, and everything was new and exciting. And then, you know, you get that promotion, life happens. Yeah, you get that promotion at work, you start having kids, and all of a sudden, you feel like you’re roommates just raising two kids but you still love that person that you’re sitting across the dinner table from you love them, you just don’t know how to connect because your life has taken on so many new challenges, so many new facets that you just don’t know where to turn. And it’s not that those couples are wanting out. It’s how do we move this thing forward to get to where we were before or get Yeah, move it back? Yeah. And so that’s really what we like focusing on?

Kevin Anthony 4:23
Yeah, I completely agree. And like I said, there’s so many people in that space that could really use that work. So it’s great that you’re out there doing that. So my first question is kind of an extension of what we were just talking about, which is okay, what does it actually mean to live happily ever after? Because everybody’s got this? Like I said in the intro this Disney idea of what it means. What does it actually mean?

Justin Burt 4:52
Yeah, that’s that’s a really good question. One thing that we really emphasize when we’re talking to couples who are ready to join the program is is it’s gonna take work. It’s not a lot of work sometimes. Yeah, it’s more work than not. Yeah. And so but it takes work because you’ve got to work on yourself, you got to start focusing on yourself and get yourself in a place where you’re able to, to move forward as well. So we do a lot of work with couples individually as well, like it all works with dimensional work with the women. But Happily Ever After is getting to a point where you understand one another, you have a deep connection, and you’re really becoming best friends again. And I know that term is kind of overused a lot today, but just really understanding each other on an intimate level. So that I’m able to respond to Chris’s needs, when she’s down, and she’s able to respond to my needs when I’m down. And we’re just, we’re there for each other.

Cresta Burt 5:46
And that happens naturally. It’s not, hey, I’m down, you need to pick me up. Right? It’s just natural, you feel it, and you naturally pick each other up without having to ask.

Justin Burt 5:58
Yeah, it’s having that partner with you. So often, you know, especially when you start raising kids, you know, maybe the mother’s doing the bulk of the work of raising the kids, and the dad just kind of works comes home and sits down. Well, that’s not a happily ever after for the wife. You know, she’s she’s doing a lot of the work. And so how do we get parents to be parents together? How do we get them to be partners together in life in every aspect of that? And really, once you start working on everything together, it doesn’t matter what kind of challenges life throws at you you’re enjoying working on this because you’re now a cohesive team working together to accomplish your goals.

Cresta Burt 6:35
And everything is happier that way.

Kevin Anthony 6:36
It is indeed, I love that you use the word team. That is a word that my wife and I used all the time, we used to call ourselves Team US. The US had two meetings, obviously, US but also it was an acronym that stood for something else. But the point is, is we always saw the relationship as Absolutely. A team. And percent you work together for a common goal.

Justin Burt 7:05
Yes, yeah, absolutely. You know, when Cresta and I sit down and you know, just take in finance, because that’s something real big that a lot of couples struggle with is, I come at it from a different perspective than she comes at it because we were raised different. And so she has a different perspective on money than I do. And so when we come together, we as long as we have our goals laid out where we’re headed, she can bring different a different set of values to the finances that that I bring in, I don’t look at those is negative, I look at those as picking myself up where I’m weak. And where she lacks. I’m picking her up, or she’s weak. And really, that’s how a team operates, you know, this person and vice versa. Yeah, absolutely. And so, you know, when we sit down, and we’re looking at our common goals, we attack it as a team. And are there are there sometimes some, you know, disagreements where we got to work together? Absolutely. We’re two humans coming together from different perspectives, but we understand the goal. And so we’re working together for those goals. And that’s really how we approach everything in life.

Cresta Burt 8:06
Absolutely, everything we do is approached with that, that two-sided, two-sided to one-sided, we come together. It’s not my stuff and his stuff. It’s, it’s our stuff.

Kevin Anthony 8:19
Yeah. And that’s and that’s how it should be if you’re really dedicated to being a couple, okay, so that we have an idea of what happily ever after means It means really working together means connecting, it means sharing a life where you are still attracted to your partner, still happy to be with them, still maintaining a healthy sex life and all of that stuff throughout the entire length of that relationship, whether it’s 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, 50 years, whatever, right? That’s what we mean when we say happily ever after. So, my next question is, what’s the biggest struggle that you see couples dealing with? Like, what’s the what’s the main thing that gets them off that course, to happily ever after?

Justin Burt 9:07
I would say it’s how they were raised in this concept of family of origin that we talked about with couples because you’ve got couples that were raised to deal with situations a certain way. And so you know, one couple might come in where everything was dealt with, with arguing and I don’t want to say argue in a negative way, but very loud, boisterous, then you’ve got another couple that is not another person in that relationship that comes out with a very meek attitude where, you know, maybe it wasn’t dealt with it was swept under the rug, or when it was dealt with. It was dealt with very lightly, quietly. And so what we have found is, that a lot of couples just are attacking problems at two different angles. And so if we can really get couples to understand where their partner is coming from and understand why their partner is reacting, the way they are communicating the way they’re communicating, we have found that that gets them past a lot of problems.

Because again, we’re working with couples that want to be there, they want to be with each other, they just, they’ve lost that ability to sometimes communicate sometimes just sometimes being in the same room together, but just really working together. And so if they can understand that, that when, you know, the husband is being loud and boisterous, he’s not being mean and aggressive. That’s how his that’s how he was raised. That’s how his parents dealt with issues. And so if, if we get the wife to understand that, then she starts to find her voice a little bit, okay. So he’s not being mean and aggressive. He’s not mad. He’s that’s just how he’s communicating.

Cresta Burt 10:42
Usually, we can end up getting him to a happy medium where it’s a middle-tone discussion, instead of either a loud one or a quiet one. It’s it’s adjusting both people to center or understanding.

Kevin Anthony 10:58
So I like this idea of a family of origin. Because I think what it’s speaking to here is something that we are seeing so much in our society these days, which is people almost living in two separate realities, right? So in other words, one person grew up learning from their primary role models, one way of communicating and expressing their emotions showing up in a relationship that they think like, that’s their reality, this is how you operate in a relationship, right?

Cresta Burt 11:28
This is how every relationship operates.

Kevin Anthony 11:31
That as well, right? And then you’ve got the other person going, Well, no, no, no, that’s not how you do it. This is how you do it, because they learned it this way from their primary role models. And so both of them are thinking they’re right. And both of them think the other person is wrong. Yes. And how do you how do you get them both to see that they’re? Well, that they’re both attempting to get to the same outcome, the same goal, but just from two different places? And so I guess, that would be kind of my next question, which is, when you see when you’re working with couples, and you see that they have really just two different ways of operating in a relationship, how do you begin to start to bring them closer together, so that they’re sort of operating from the same, the same playbook, so to speak, like, they’re starting to communicate in ways that they can hear, they’re starting to understand each other that Oh, that was from his dad, or that was from her mom, or whatever.

Justin Burt 12:28
So one of the best ways to do that is to do a session together. So Chris, and I, and then the other couple, and then have the husband talked about how your parents communicate? When you were a kid? And have the wife listen to that? And have the wife take notes? And then switch it up? Have the wife talk about how her parents communicated? Have the husband take notes? And then what you do at that point is you ask the wife and the husband is this how is this how she tries to communicate to you? Or is this the areas that you feel are lacking in your communication? Because she’s doing this? And usually right, then they start to understand, okay, yes, she’s communicating just like her mom, or just like her father, he’s communicating just like one of his parents.

And so right there, we find a piece of common ground saying okay, so he is trying to communicate to you, it may not be coming across to you, you may not be hearing it, but he is trying. So can we agree that each one of you is trying to communicate, like you guys are trying to work on this, we’re just at a miss somewhere. And usually, at that point, most of the couples, I would say, Will will then agree that, okay, so, so we are trying to communicate to each other, there’s a miss, and if you can get them to understand that there’s a miss somewhere. Again, they want to work on this, they want to fix it. And so now they can start coming to coming together, and start adjusting to how they’re communicating. And so, you know, we have a few exercises we do where, you know, maybe the wife’s a little meek. And so what is uncomfortable for you to say in in this last argument you have? Well, I wanted to tell them, you know, A, B, and C. Okay, so go ahead and tell him that because he wants to hear that. That’s what he’s trying to get from you, but you’re not communicating it. And then obviously, with and again, we’re using loud and boisterous. There are a lot of different areas that family of origin falls in, those are just kind of the easiest ones to understand. But the loud one, okay, maybe, maybe slow down a little bit. Don’t get so excited, and don’t get so emotional when you’re having a conversation because that’s kind of overloading her sensors, and intimidating. It’s been a little intimidating.

So let’s, let’s lower that down a little bit, and start communicating that way. And then, you know, we let them go for a week and how did that work? Did you have any arguments, and usually the couples will start to find a happy medium. You know, I’ve seen we’ve seen an example where, you know, the happy medium was not where we would have put it you know, both couples became a little more vocal and a little more, I don’t want to say aggressive because that’s not the right word just more loud in their arguments. So the first is Okay, we’re outsourcing. Yes. And so it wasn’t where we would have placed it, but it worked for them. And so I think as coaches, that’s one of the hard things is when a couple finds out something that’s working for them, it’s like, oh, man, that’s kind of outside where I would like you to be. But it’s working for you guys. So that’s kind of how we start that process. And again, that takes a couple of weeks. That’s not something that we’ll have one session with a couple and say, Okay, you guys are good. Let’s move on to the next thing. That’s something we’d like to, to really work on. Because we have found that once we get that kind of set, everything else just starts to snowball.

Kevin Anthony 15:35
So I heard you use examples of both men and women having difficulty communicating with each other. I’m curious, from your perspective. Do you see men struggling more to communicate their needs their wants with women? Or do you see women? Or is it kind of even?

Cresta Burt 15:54
It’s pretty even? It’s kind of a shocking answer. A lot of people would not expect to hear that. But it is pretty even women have a lot more difficulty expressing than men think that they do. Yeah, to get things across, because there is that intimidation. Where, you know, am I what am I what I’m about to say is? Are they going to take it right?

Justin Burt 16:21
Yeah, and I think some of that comes from in I think you’ve probably seen this working with men to men become pouty. Men become very whiny when they don’t get what they want. And sometimes they become, that’s the best way I know how to explain it is almost childish. And they’re trying to communicate and granted, they’re doing it wrong, they need to find a different way to communicate, but they’re trying to communicate. So you know, the best example I think of is when a guy doesn’t get sex, he becomes whiny and pouty. And like, you know, it’s always this way. And what we try to do is kind of take them out of their situation, have a 30,000-foot overview, okay? You didn’t get sex tonight, but you’re saying you never get sex? When was the last time you had sex four or five days ago? Okay, so let’s take the never out of that statement. You’re not getting sex tonight? Is it the end of the world? No. Okay. You know, and obviously there, there are some things we need to work on on both sides in a situation like that. But you know, and so we tried to get the wind Enos in the complaining out of men, because they are trying to communicate, it’s just, it’s, it’s not working, they’re, they’re communicating the wrong way. So that’s why I say men do try to communicate, it’s just they’re going about it the wrong way.

Kevin Anthony 17:37
Got it. So in your experience, then what you’re saying is, women are more concerned about whether or not their communication is going to be received correctly, and they may be intimidated by, you know, the reaction that he’s going to have to what she has to communicate. Whereas on the other end, men tend to maybe shut down a little bit more and or not really know how to actually express what it is they want to say.

Justin Burt 18:07
That would be accurate. Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

Kevin Anthony 18:11
Okay, so. So of course, that begs a couple more questions, right, which is, and what we’ll start from the women’s side first, what is it? Would you say, Chris, that a woman needs in order to be able to communicate more effectively with her man?

Cresta Burt 18:28
It’s gonna start with him, hearing her. Like he has to he has to give some kind of indication that he’s actually listening to what she’s saying. That’s where it’s going to start. If she can see that he’s hearing what she’s saying, then she’s going to be more open to, to that communication and do it more often and, probably learn easier how to work with his communication versus against it. So they’re not butting heads, it’s cohesive.

Kevin Anthony 18:59
Yeah, what about the feeling of safety for her?

Cresta Burt 19:05
Safety is everything in America. That’s one of the things that we kind of pride ourselves on our I pride my relationship on is that feeling of safety. I had never been in a relationship with anybody where I actually felt safe and the feeling of safety. If I say this, and it comes out wrong, he’s not going to blow up on me. So that’s okay, that I say it. Because I’m at least communicating what I need to communicate.

Kevin Anthony 19:28
Yeah. So guys, who are listening to this show, what she just said, is basically two things. Number one, you have to make her feel safe, so that she can communicate what she needs to communicate, right? And number two, you have to show that you’re actually paying attention. You could do those things, and suddenly, you will, you will see that her communication improves significantly. So let’s let’s flip it around now. And let’s talk about the men so we’re talking about men really struggling to express the things that they want to express? What? What do the men need? Or how can they get better at expressing what they need to in a given moment?

Justin Burt 20:16
I think the best advice I ever received was a tell your wife what you’re actually feeling. So if you’re approaching and this is something a lot of men can relate to, if you’re approaching the topic of sex, and you want to have sex, and she denies you and it becomes an issue you’re going through, consistently tell her how that makes you feel, hey, this makes me feel emasculated. This makes me feel childish, that I have to come and ask you for this. Tell her exactly how you’re feeling. Because so often, men don’t communicate exactly what they’re feeling. We communicate with our emotions, and we get pouty or we get mad, or we get, you know, frustrated. And we don’t communicate with our words. So communicate with your words how, how what she’s doing makes you feel because so often, they don’t know that as soon as they know that they’re like, oh, shoot, I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing to you. I didn’t realize I was making you feel this way.

So the first thing is to communicate with your words exactly how it makes you feel. The second is, if your wife comes to you with a problem with something that irritates you still make her feel safe to bring that to you don’t, don’t get upset, don’t be overly lash out, lash out, or anything like that. Like she’s got to feel that she can bring you anything at any time. And you’re going to be that rock and that pillar that’s not going to overreact to the situation. Are there times when you need to react quickly to things? Absolutely. But you don’t need to overreact to a situation.

Cresta Burt 21:49
I think one thing that I can recommend to everybody with communication is and he just said talking about reacting quickly. Slow down. Yeah. Slow down your thought process. And your mouse? Yes, always. Think before you speak. But it’s so helpful to actually do that. Because you can say Justin said things to me where I’m like to choose seriously say that to me. He’s like, Wait, what did I just say? And if you if you can slow down and think about what you say before you say you maybe prevent some kind of a little bit of hurt. Just by considering the tone that’s about to come out of your mouth or the words. Yes. So slow down is my best communication tip.

Justin Burt 22:40
Yeah, there’s been more than there should I guess you could say where I’ve used the wrong word to describe some about Cresta and she’s like, did you really just call me this? I think I think we were talking about I forgot the context. And I called her a hussy. And she’s like, did you really just call me that? And I meant to say lush when we were joking around like, not just like, just the wrong words came out. But her ability to stop the conversation and say, Is this really what you meant to call me? Insight? No, that’s, that’s not what I meant at all. You know, instead of getting mad and upset and starting a potential argument, you know, she was able to slow that conversation down and say, okay, is this really what she meant? And I was able to think, oh, no, okay. I misspoke. That’s not the word I intended.

Kevin Anthony 23:29
Always, so always great advice, slow down and think before you speak, and definitely don’t react out of emotion. Right? Those Those yes, no reactions, because they rarely ever lead to anything.

Justin Burt 23:43
True. Absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 23:45
I like what you also said, you know, from the man’s point of view, and just the point I have sort of want to reiterate, which is that you know, as men, we’re taught not to really be in touch with or feel our emotions, right. And so we learn to sort of suppress that and not really talk about it, and not really deal with it. But women, on the other hand, are all about emotions. And so what I was hearing you say is like, hey, if guys, if you can, first of all, communicate, use your words, and secondly, communicate how emotionally that makes you feel. That’s something that she’ll be able to understand on the other side, oh, yeah, that emotion, I can understand that, right? That’s not necessarily always going to be an easy thing for us. Because it’s not something that we haven’t really practiced or learned. But right, whether it’s an emotion or it’s simply the reach of like, for instance, you use the example of wanting sex. And I think if a woman truly understood why sex was important to him as a man, that would help her understand a whole lot more rather than just I just need sex. I just need sex. Like, how come I’m not getting sex because I need sex and she’s like, well, big deal. I need lots of stuff I don’t have, right?

Cresta Burt 25:03
What you just said is key. She needs no emotional. So if he can support her emotionally, she’s going to naturally support him more physically. Yeah, we talk about how we improve intimacy inside and outside of the bedroom. And they correlate so much they do, the more intimacy intimacy you have outside of the bedroom, the more intimacy you’re going to have inside of the bedroom.

Kevin Anthony 25:27
Yes, yeah, that is absolutely true. And that’s one of the things that, you know, my wife and I used to say all the time, because we, we focused a lot in the work that we do on the sexuality piece of people’s relationships. And so, you know, we used to say all the time that, you know, foreplay starts long before you ever get into the bedroom. Yes. Yes.

Justin Burt 25:48
That does. That is so true. Yeah. You know, and it’s, it’s the simple things that men can do, you know, it’s making sure your wife never has to take out the trash. It’s, you know….

Cresta Burt 25:58
Texting her randomly just to say hi, and I’m thinking about you.

Justin Burt 26:01
Yeah, just two seconds. You know, it’s doing those little things throughout the day that makes her feel like she’s thought about that she’s cared for that you know, you’re doing these things because you love her not because you know, she has asked you to do it. How many in every guy can relate to this, how many times has your wife asked you to do something that you probably could have done before she asked you, like, take out the trash, do the dishes, unload the dishwasher, like little things like that, start to be start being a little bit more proactive in those things. And watch how it really translates to the bedroom. Because all of a sudden, what you’re really doing is taking some burden off her taking some responsibility off her. And now she’s whether you’d like to admit it or not. Now she’s not as tired when it’s time to go to bed. She’s a little less stressed because her mind isn’t thinking about all these other things you’ve taken so much. Yeah. Not thinking about the trash.

Kevin Anthony 27:00
Yes, you’re absolutely right. And I love that you guys are bringing this up, because listeners who’ve been listening to this show for a long time, have heard myself and my wife and I, when we did the show together, say this exact thing over and over again. But what I love is when we have other examples of successful couples, come on here and tell you that this is the secret to their success. Like I think listeners if you hear it enough times it might start to say, right, yes, you’re absolutely right. When it comes to sex. You know, my wife used to say all the time, she’s like, you know, women have this ability to be that she used to call it diffuse awareness. She’s like, we can think of a million things at one time. Yeah, that’s great when you’re a mom, and you have a million things that have to happen. But when you get into the bedroom, the last thing you want to be doing is thinking of a million things. And just like you both just said one thing, just one simple thing that you can do as a guy to get her out of her head and into her body is to help her take care of a few of those things that trash is done. The kids are taking care of. They’re sleeping. Done. right? Check all that stuff off her list. It’s absolutely great advice.

Justin Burt 28:11
Yeah, you know, and Kristen, I didn’t raise kids together, I had my kids before we got together. But you know, especially like giving credit to just some time, like right now she’s going through chemotherapy and things like that, and given her some time just to go and relax. You know, not breathing down her neck every second of the day, like, hey, why don’t you go take a bath, I know you’re in a little bit of pain right now. And giving her the freedom just to go and be by herself and relax, really, really changes the whole dynamic sometimes of her mental well-being because right now she’s going through a lot of pain. And so sometimes she’ll get a little tunnel-visioned in if I can if I can escort her kind of out of that for a little bit. It just it opens up so many more things if men would just see that in their wives like, the kids are driving them crazy, okay, I’m going to take care of the kids for the next hour and a half you go take a bath, do what you need to do. I’m taking care of the kids, I’ll finish up with their homework, I’ll get them to bed. That way, you don’t have to worry about it. Like those types of things are huge. In a mother’s or a woman’s life.

Cresta Burt 29:17
Yeah. And it deepens everything inside and outside the house, the bedroom, it makes everything it is its relationship changing to have a man, think about those things.

Kevin Anthony 29:31
Yeah. So you know, basically, we’re coming back around again to teamwork, right? This is the work, right? When one person needs help the other person steps in and that’s how it works. Okay. I got to take a short break for a sponsor. And then when we come back from that, I want to talk about it because I have a bunch of questions about you know, right now we’ve been talking about, you know, how people can really maintain a good relationship the day-to-day things they can do. But I got a bunch of questions about when things really start to go off the tracks, right, and how we can kind of bring that back around. So that’s what I want to get to when we come back from the other side of this break.

Okay? Are you a couple are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there changes you would like to make but just don’t know how maybe you think there is nothing that can be done, I challenge you to make this year, the year that changes if you are not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life. Go to Kevinandceline.com/sex-coaching-couples. Yeah, that’s a mouthful link is in the description. Don’t worry about it. When you go there, you can schedule a strategy call with me today. So we can map out a strategy to help you get to where you want to be. That is Kevinandceline.com/sex-coaching-couples, the link is in the description. And I will also put out there and of course, I will give you time at the end of the show. If you like and resonate with Justin and Cresta who do similar work, then go check them out too, I will give them an opportunity to plug where you can find them at the end of the show. But I’m a big fan of helping people get the help that they need, regardless of who it is. So if you’re a listener of the show, and you like what I do, go check that out. And at the end, when Justin comes to tell you where they can find more about them, go check them out as well.

Okay. So we’ve been talking about, you know, the day-to-day things, how to help out how to have better communication, how to work together as a team, all that kind of great stuff. And it’s all fantastic stuff that every couple should be doing every day. But let’s just say you haven’t been doing those things. Let’s say your relationship has gone off the tracks. You know, one of the things Justin, that you and I talked about in the pre-interview, which is definitely something that I have seen as well. And I’m wondering if you could maybe talk about both of you, of course, is when a relationship gets to the point where a woman decides that she wants to leave. That’s generally not a decision that she came to very quickly, is it not?

Justin Burt 32:18
No, it’s usually probably at least a year, if not two or three years in the making. Sometimes more. Yeah, you know, you’ve got, you’ve got wives, a lot of times like to keep things together for the kids. And so they’re going to mentally deal with whatever they need to deal with so that they have the best for their kids. And you know, as a culture and society, and it’s right, it’s best to have that cohesive family that that nucleus. So she’s going to try to keep things together as long as possible. But when she reaches that point where she is asked for a divorce and asks you to move out, it’s not a spur-of-the-moment thing, it’s likely, right around two years is pretty much the average that she’s been thinking about it. And usually, at that point, I don’t ever want to say it’s too late because it’s not too late, even at that point, because you can as a man go and make the changes you need to make. It’s just a lot of work. It’s hard work. And you have the best way to say it is You’ve almost got to let her go work on yourself to become the man that she fell in love with because somewhere down the road you got off track.

The best example I have of this is one of our clients, you know, he was working like 80 hours a week for a company. He was in management. And you know, he was having staffing issues. So he was working all the time, he was covering two or three jobs and his wife came to him and he’s like, and she told him, I want you to quit your job. Again, the sort of the family of origin and communication come in. It’s not really what she was asking of him. She wanted him to find time for the family like I need you here. I need you part of the family. When we got married, this is what I wanted. I need you here with the kids, I need you here with me. You’ve got to find a balance. Well, he took it literally. So he quit his job. He had something in his back pocket that he was working on. And it wasn’t fully fleshed out at that point. But he ended up making it work, but it’s not what she wanted. And once we got that coupled together to really understand that that’s not what she wanted, man. She wanted you to spend time with your family. She wanted you to do all these little things that we’ve talked about. It took a while to get him to turn around because that was a pretty rash decision that he made.

Cresta Burt 34:41
Right, right. And it was a built-up she had asked him, Hey, can we spend some time together? Can we spend some time together? Can we spend some time together and then eventually she’s like, you just need to quit your job. You know? So it was it’s that communication and that that that slow down and listen to what you each other saying.

Justin Burt 35:01
Yeah, you know, and that goes back to Ask, ask questions like if she says, quit your job. And you think because he thought that was a pretty rash decision.

Cresta Burt 35:08
We’ll ask her about like, don’t just take your word, I’m gonna quit my job.

Justin Burt 35:12
Yeah, like, have a conversation about it. So, obviously, that’s a pretty extreme example.

Cresta Burt 35:19
It all worked out. I mean, they’re, they’re doing awesome now. Right? Yeah. And they spent a lot of time together

Justin Burt 35:25
A ton of time together now, like, things did work out for them. But you know, when you get to that point you really got to start focusing in on yourself and working on yourself. Because obviously, there’s something that’s gone off the rails on your end that you need to take the time to fix.

Kevin Anthony 35:44
Yeah. And so really, the, what I wanted to pull out with that question was, understand that these generally are things that have built up over a long period of time. Right. So one, that means you need to address it right away, because this isn’t something new that just happened that Yeah, at some point, it’ll work itself out? No, no, it’s been building for a long time. Right? Yes. And don’t expect it to be fixed instantly, either, right? Because this has happened over a long period of time. It’s gonna take a little while to bring that back. So yeah, I think that is something that a lot of guys don’t realize. They think they think that women tend to operate more like men where men are just getting an impulsive reaction like, That’s it, I’m done, right? That’s generally not the way it works for me.

Okay, so let’s just say a man does realize that this has gone off the rails and something needs to be done. Another thing that we talked about that we see all the time, and I think needs to be addressed, is this idea of grand gestures to fix everything with one giant, amazing gesture. We see this in just about every sitcom and rom-com movie ever made. Yes, Guy effed up from the beginning to almost the entire end of the movie, right? And then suddenly, he swoops in with a grand gesture, and everything is all right. And they live happily ever after. So my question to you is, does this work? And if it doesn’t, what should they actually be doing?

Justin Burt 37:20
So from the perspective of the man, let’s say, you’ve noticed everything going off the rails, and you’ve had the talk, that never gets anybody anywhere, start. Start making the changes you need to make that you know, you need to make in your life in your daily habits. But don’t tell your wife, you’re making those changes. Because if you’ve gotten to that point, how many times I’m sure you’ve had multiple talks at that point, it is much as it is a surprise, it’s really not a surprise, because you’ve probably had that conversation a couple of times. And you’ve told her, yeah, I’m going to start doing this. And I’m going to start doing that. And so she’s lost trust in what you say, you know, we, as men, our word is our bond. A lot of times, you know, she’s there every morning, when you don’t wake up at 430 in the morning and go to the gym, like you told her the night before you are going to do. Like she’s there. She understands who you are, she understands your failures.

So my first recommendation is always stop talking and start doing, don’t tell her the changes you’re going to make just make those changes. Because what she’s going to do initially is she’s going to start questioning those changes, you know, is he doing this short term? Is this permanent? You know, she’s gonna have a lot of questions. And if you go to her and you say, Hey, I’m going to start doing this, and then you mess up one day, it’s another big deal. Whereas if you start making the changes, and you mess up one day, and you pick yourself back up the next, it’s not that big of a deal, because you haven’t talked about it. You haven’t told her and just promise it wasn’t a broken promise. And we’re all human. We’re all going to fail sometimes. So as you’re getting yourself right, just start doing it yourself.

Cresta Burt 39:04
And to add on to that it’s not big things. No, it’s the it’s the trash. Yeah, it’s the dishes. It’s giving her time to align little things. The compound effect. Few did start doing one small thing. Today, you do it again tomorrow. Eventually, it’s going to be huge.

Justin Burt 39:24
Yeah. You know, from the man’s perspective, start writing the things you’re grateful for. Gratitude journals are amazing gratitude journals, like, what am I thankful for? And what that’s going to do is that’s just going to start to change your mindset on you know, you’re not going to start you know, because a lot of times men do get a little nitpicky on things maybe she does do or doesn’t do and in there starts to be this comparison of who’s doing what. And if you get into the habit of that gratitude journal those comparisons go away and you start doing things because you love her, you care about her, and you understand the value that she adds to your family. And, you know, like you said, it’s not going to happen overnight. And if you expect it to happen overnight, you’re living in a fantasy world like, like, it’s going to take some time. Because you’ve got to rebuild that trust. You’ve got to rebuild that connection. You’ve got to rebuild everything. But understand that it does work. It just takes time.

Cresta Burt 40:18
And you have to remember to drop the competition. Yeah, the relationship is not a competition. I took the trash out last time, and I took the trash out three times before that, and he hasn’t taken it out at all. And you know, that’s just gonna make issues worse.

Kevin Anthony 40:31
Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Cresta, I wanted to just follow up with you on the grand gestures versus the little things. I’m curious. What if and I don’t know if you’ve experienced this before you likely have like, If a man comes to you with this grand gesture, like, what’s the first thing that goes through your mind? Like, are you like, Oh, my God, this is amazing. Or you’re like, Yeah, good. Good luck with that. What goes through your mind as a woman, when a man shows up and tries to fix everything with some grand gesture?

Cresta Burt 41:01
It’s kind of a temporary high, like, Oh, that’s so nice. That’s gonna be so awesome. We’re gonna go on this big vacation, and everything’s gonna be good. And then as soon as it sets in it, you realize that it’s not a fix. It’s, it’s not even a bandaid, really. So it’s temporary, very short-lived. Hi, of, oh, he’s doing this for me. Whereas the little things, you know, I would rather have him take the trash out, then some big grand gesture, help with the dishes, you know, those little things on a daily basis, I like to be thought of daily not once every six months for vacation.

Kevin Anthony 41:45
Do you find that when you get the big initial high from the grand gesture, that there’s also an associated low afterward like, like, not even just back to normal, but like, you know, they do even lower get even lower? Right? That’s something you’ve experienced?

Cresta Burt 42:01
Not. So I’ve had a lot of, I was never married before Justin. And I had a lot of horrible, unhealthy relationships. So there were never any grand gestures before. So but there’s the low is, because you’re coming back to, you know, you go on this vacation, and you come back. And even lower is like, Well, this was supposed to fix it. This was supposed to make it better. And it hasn’t. So now what you’re, instead of being back to a medium spot, you’re you’re even lower in it, and it’s going to take even more work to get.

Justin Burt 42:43
It’s because the grand gestures don’t deal with the root issues. Right. You know, they’re there. You’re, you’re painting over something that needs to be ripped out and redone. You know, we’ve all had that apartment in our younger days that they threw a fresh coat of paint on and said, it’s good to go.

Kevin Anthony 43:03
Oh, yeah. Some of us more than one of those.

Justin Burt 43:07
You know, and you walk in, and you’re like, Yeah, this does look a little better than I when I you know, did my initial walkthrough, and then you live there, and you’re like, This isn’t any better at all, this is probably worse now.

Cresta Burt 43:18
Because there’s mold under the paint.

Kevin Anthony 43:20
Yeah and now you can’t get rid of it.

Justin Burt 43:24
Yes, you know, and so those, those grand gestures, those do not fix anything. And if that is your idea of fixing things, then again, you’re, you know, going in the wrong direction or going in the wrong direction.

Kevin Anthony 43:37
Yeah. So, you know, I really wanted to spend a little time focusing on that, because it is so pervasive in our society, this idea that you can just do that. And I really wanted to drive the point home with your help, of course, for the listeners that the grand gestures don’t work. And that is indeed the little things, the little things, things that seemed like they were just stupid and pointless, like taking out the trash. But you do that consistently over time. And those are the things it’s like, want to talk about ripping stuff out and starting over. It’s one nail at a time was now at a time. All right, that’s Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so we are getting close to the end of the show. I have a couple more questions I want to ask you. So let’s just say that a couple does realize that this is going off the rails and something needs to be done. What is the first thing that they should do? Like suddenly they’re like, Oh, crap, this is not working. Something needs to be done. What is your piece of advice for the first thing that they need to do to start getting that train back over towards the tracks?

Justin Burt 44:46
I’ll go I’ll go from the man’s perspective. And again, we’ve talked a lot about it today, but start doing those little things. Again, without much conversation to your wife, but, you know, start taking out the trash starts, you know I don’t know how most people are, but like, go get gas in your wife’s car, like, just start doing those little things for her. And if she asks you why you’re doing those, you know, you don’t, you don’t really have to explain that, well, I’m trying to fix our relationship, I’m trying to get things better. Don’t go that route just say, I noticed that, you know, I hadn’t been taken out the trash, I noticed your car was empty, and I wanted you to have gas like explain actually why you would do those things, if your marriage was going well, and you know, that way, it doesn’t feel like a pity party, and then understand that there is going to be some rage or some lash out that may happen because you’ve done things wrong for so long.

You know, there may be a point in time where she’s questioning you, and understanding. And this is what I like to tell men all the time, understand that there is some anger, some rage, or something like that, that is a good sign. Because that means she is still emotionally invested in the relationship. You know, it’s when she’s completely indifferent, I find that’s when we have the real issues is when like, there is no emotional response, and no response. But if there is some emotion there, that’s a good sign. Let’s just keep working on that. I’ll let you take it from there.

Cresta Burt 46:13
So as far as a woman, I would say, the first thing she needs to do is take a deep breath. And realize that it’s okay to ask questions. You know, I’m feeling this, why you gotta give a chance to feel safe. And if you can, if you can communicate that I want to feel safe with you, then something might click with him. Because a lot of the time they’re starting to feel these things at about the same time. Yeah, and you know, when he’s realizing, Oh, she’s probably realizing oh, yeah. So there’s that, that potential that he’s going to, he’s going to catch on to that, and, and open, open up to it a little bit better.

Justin Burt 46:56
Yeah. And one thing I think women need to do if they notice things are going off the rails is pretty much grab your husband by the shoulders, and let them know exactly what’s going on. Because so often we miss those little cues that they’re throwing at us. It’s not that we don’t want to fix it. And sometimes we even know how to fix it. But we just don’t know that there’s a problem, right? And the subtle cues sometimes don’t work. You know, so be honest, be straightforward with him, let him know exactly what’s going on. Because he wants to fix those issues. But nine times out of 10. He doesn’t know they’re there.

Kevin Anthony 47:40
You know that? That is absolutely so true. That, you know, a lot of the time a lot of the time, as men, we actually do want to fix things, because that’s what we do. We’re men, we fix things. But we can’t fix anything. If we don’t know there’s a problem. And we’re definitely in general. I know a few guys out there in the comments, we’ll say, but I do. Yeah. Okay. There are outliers to everything, in general, we are not good at picking up the subtle hints, correct? Oh, yeah. So women, if you can be more direct with us, and don’t worry, we’re men, we can take it just less where we’re effing up. are aware. But do it kindly? Yes, yes. All right. Any last bit of advice for couples, whether it’s how to get the train back on the tracks, which is how to have a great happily ever after, in general?

Cresta Burt 48:35
Believe in it, believe that it can happen for you, it can happen, you have to be willing to work at it. And be willing to do the work for it.

Justin Burt 48:46
Yeah, you know, and find somebody to help you. One of the reasons, I think a lot of marriages aren’t as good as they can’t be is because there’s no training for it. There’s no manual on how to do it. So find somebody find a coach that that you click with. And you know, we’re very much of the opinion of view is, it doesn’t have to be us. It doesn’t have to be you. Like just find somebody you click with, that you resonate with, and get the help you need. Because there are a lot of good marriage coaches out there that will help you get things going on the right track. And if you have a good marriage, a great marriage, help somebody who doesn’t, you know.

Cresta Burt 49:25
And keep getting the help yourself, because there’s always going to be a need. Even if you feel like you have a perfect marriage, you still have to have some kind of support there.

Kevin Anthony 49:35
Yeah, amazing. That one of the most basic things about human life, which is being a couple, there’s no manual for, like, Isn’t that crazy? Like? It’s like the most basic part of being human. And we eff it up so badly so frequently. Yes, yes. All right. Well, why don’t you go ahead and tell the audience where they can find you if they’re interested in working with you?

Justin Burt 50:03
Yeah, you guys can find us at deviationbydesign.com. And there it will detail our program. And if people are interested, they could book a free 30-minute coaching session with us. And at the end of that coaching session, we do give a free three-day mini-course that individuals can go through. At that point, if they like what they’ve gone through and want to schedule another call to do ongoing coaching, they are free to do that. But at the end of the 30-minute coaching session, we do get a three-day mini-course in the form of an ebook and worksheets and stuff.

Kevin Anthony 50:42
Awesome. Well, the link for that is in the description. So go check that out. If you want to find more from Justin and, Krista, I have one last question for you. It is a question that I asked everybody that comes on the show. And that is and you both get an opportunity to answer this by the way. What is your best sexual talent? Oh,

Justin Burt 51:04
I would say I would say mine is probably oral sex.

Cresta Burt 51:11
Yeah, I think mine is surprising him with things he had no idea he was gonna like.

Justin Burt 51:24
That was a good one. Yeah.

Cresta Burt 51:26
Yeah. It’s been there’s been a few of those.

Kevin Anthony 51:29
Yeah. Good for you for bringing in, some things to keep it spicy. Yes. Yes. Well, those are both great talents to have. I want to thank you both for coming on the show. And again, if you want to work with Justin incrusted link is in the description. So thanks again for being here.

Cresta Burt 51:48
Thanks for having us.

Justin Burt 51:50
Thanks for having us. Definitely appreciate it.

Kevin Anthony 51:52
All right, everybody. That’s all the time I have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 52:09
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. That’s kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 52:23
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 52:25
And remember, you’re amazing!