How To Have Deeper More Connected Sex

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:29
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 251. And it is titled How to have deeper, more connected sex. So the idea for this show came from a couple of clients that I’ve had recently. And it really got me thinking, I’m going to briefly talk about each one of those clients and why inspired this episode. But it’s a conversation and a topic that comes up a lot. Now men and women tend to talk about it differently. You’ll hear women say things more like oh, I want to have deeper, more connected sex. The men won’t necessarily use those words, they’ll use different words. But it’s really the same thing. It’s just different languaging. And so we’re going to dive into, you know, what do I mean by deeper connected sex? Why would you want to have deeper, more connected sex? How would you do it? What happens if your partner doesn’t want to do it also? So we’re gonna cover all of those things? And I think it’s actually going to be a really interesting show. Of course, of course, if I didn’t think it was interesting, I wouldn’t actually do it as an episode. But I think that you will find it interesting too, especially when we get into the why you would actually want to do this, like, what does this really mean?

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Okay, so I want to start with three quick stories that inspired this episode because I think it will help you understand why we’re talking about this. So the first one and all the names have been changed to protect the identities of the clients. So they’re not their real names. But the first one is Keith. Now, Keith has an interesting story, because he recently transitioned from a long-term relationship. And in that relationship, he did have what we’re going to describe here as this sort of deeply connected sex, and the relationship transitioned for various reasons. And he really went into this place of like, wow, the sex that I had was so deeply connected. And I felt so connected to her. Like, what are the chances that I’m going to find that again? So of course, that’s always one part of the conversation, right? So if you if you’re working with somebody who’s been able to experience this kind of sex, and then for whatever reason, the relationship transitions, the natural next question is almost always, what if I can’t find that again?

So what’s interesting in his case, is that, you know, in his next sexual encounter with somebody that, you know, he didn’t have a long-term established relationship with, he was really surprised that he was able to go to some pretty deep levels. Now, you know, he would describe it and say, well, it’s not as deep as I had with my previous partner, obviously, because you had a long-term relationship and you had really a deeply established relationship. You’ve established the trust and the intimacy and all that kind of stuff, but it gave him hope that he would be able to find that again in the future. So that was a cute story. Next was Kara. And Kara had been seeing a man on and off for about a year. But her complaint was that even after For a year, she didn’t feel like the sex that they were having was really, truly connected. And I’m not gonna go into the details of each one of these stories, because then I’ll be getting ahead of myself.

But we will talk about these things as I go through the show. So we’ll talk about what was it that she felt was lacking. What was it that she felt wasn’t there, even after a year? And in her mind, it was like, okay, you know, we’ve been doing this sexual Dance Now, for a year, we should have reached a level where we can get to that intimacy and depth that that normally would happen after you’ve been together for a while, although it doesn’t always. So that left her feeling like, huh, Am I doing something wrong? Is he doing something wrong? Is this the right person for me? Should I continue this relationship should I not? Alright, and the third story is Josh and Josh. So Josh was in a long-term committed relationship. Josh was married, actually is married, I shouldn’t say was. And his problem is, he was so worried about his partner, in the lovemaking sessions for various reasons, which I won’t go into the details of because it might become too obvious who I’m speaking about.

But he was so worried about her, in the lovemaking sessions, that he wasn’t really allowing himself to be fully present, because he was not really present in the sex that they were having in the relationship, he wasn’t really able to deeply connect with her. And so she felt that, and that was really throwing a monkey wrench in the sex they’re having because she’s over there feeling like he’s not really connected to me. And of course, she’s making up all these stories in their head about why that is like, oh, he doesn’t really want to have sex with me, or he’s not really into it, or, you know, he doesn’t care, like all this stuff is going on in her head. And then on his end, he’s so worried about, you know, what’s going to happen? Is she going to be okay with it? And is this going to work for her? And is it going to hurt her and all that kind of stuff, that he ended up, in turn, experiencing a lack of libido, because he’s too much in his head, and not really focusing on what’s going on with his partner in that moment. And I was just, you know, thinking about, you know, obviously, a topic to talk about on this show.

And when I sit down to think about things I think about, okay, what types of issues and things have come up with clients and friends and even myself at times, and that that I could talk about that would be helpful to listeners. And I was sitting there and this idea of deeply connected sex popped into my head, and I’m like, wow, that’s weird. Because why is that coming into my head? And then I just kept kind of thinking about it some more. And I was like, oh, right, because I got Keith over here talking about it. I got care over there talking about it. I got Josh over here, right? And there’s, there’s a thread that runs through all of those stories. And those are just three of the most recent ones. Like I’m talking about things that have happened in the last Oh, week. These have literally come up in the last week. I’m sure if I thought further back, I could come up with a bunch more.

But I started to see that common thread between those. And so that’s what really got me thinking about this. Because if there are three examples of people who either are having deeply connected sex or aren’t and now and want to in a week, then then this is obviously a relatively common thing and something that we should talk about. So, okay, then let’s get into what do I mean by deeper, more connected sex. Like, what are we even really talking about here? Because they kind of almost sound like buzzwords, deeper sex, more connected sex? Like, what does that even mean? Right? Like, you can only put a penis so far into a vagina, and like, that’s as deep as it gets, right? And it’s pretty damn connected.

But is it really and that’s, that’s a question that you need to ask yourself. So what do I mean when I say deeper, more connected sex, right? Number one, you’re 100% present in the moment. seems like an obvious one, but it’s really not for a lot of people. When you do sex coaching for a living, and when you really start digging down into the details of how people actually have sex, a lot of people are in their heads. They’re absolutely stuck in their heads, whether they’re focusing on their own pleasure and it’s just about this is me getting off and this feels good for me and they’re completely oblivious to their partner, or they’re in their head thinking about, you know, all the work stuff that’s happening. Taking care of the kids, the house, whatever it needs to be the bills that need to be paid, or whether or not they’re worrying about their partner, like, is he or she liking this? Is this working? Or am I good enough? Do they think I’m good in bed? Do they think I’m bad in bed, right? All these things that go through people’s heads, prevent them from really being 100% present in the moment.

Now, this is a master skill. It’s something that we cover in the Power and Mastery series. In the sexual mastery course in particular, about that piece about being present. And we’ve talked about it on the show many, many times, I’ve talked about it myself, Selena and I talked about it many times, especially for women is really, really, really important that you’re 100% Present. And that means that you’re really focusing on what’s happening in that moment for both of you, not just yourself, right? So it’s really, really important, because if you want to connect deeper, like really connect with somebody, and not just to sort of be in your own world, like, Oh, this feels great for me, haha, right, okay. Oh, sorry, I wasn’t, I didn’t realize that that wasn’t feeling good for you, right? If you really want to have that deeply connected sex, you have to be really present with your partner. This leads me to the second one, which is you’re paying attention to your partner’s signs.

So if you are really present, you are paying attention to everything that’s going on for them as well as yourself. So we talked about visual acuity, right, which is, you know, watching your partner’s facial expressions, and are their cheeks red, or their labia swollen, you know, is are they able to maintain an erection you know, all of the different things that would indicate like, this is something they’re really enjoying, or they’re just going through the motions, or if that’s actually not feeling really good, right, you can’t really have deeply connected sex, if you don’t understand what’s happening with your partner in the moment. And that can also mean paying attention to the energy that’s being generated between the two of you paying attention to things like emotions, which we’ll talk about in just a moment. So that whole idea of really paying attention to what’s happening with you, with your partner, and with the experience as a whole. Alright, number three, your partner’s pleasure is a high priority. So if you’re going to really have deeply connected sex, it can’t just be all about you. It can’t because there are two people here engaging in this act.

And, you know, if you want it to be all about you, you can just go masturbate, go find some good toys, go get some lube, just do your own thing. When you come together with another person, the idea is to connect with another person, they’re not just a receptacle, or they’re not just a penis, you know, that you can ride and get off on and dispose of, right? That’s not what it’s supposed to be. I’m not saying that you can’t have sex, just purely for the pleasure and the enjoyment of having physical sex, you can do that. And sometimes people do that. However, if you really want to have what I consider to be the best sex possible in human bodies, which is more deeply connected sex, then you have to make your partner’s pleasure a high priority. So you have to make sure that you are doing, you know, everything that you can to make sure that your partner is enjoying the experience as much as they can. Alright, next, you need to allow yourself to be fully open, and vulnerable, and to be yourself in the experience.

You know, the way that you connect deeply and intimately with somebody is to really be vulnerable. I mean, that’s, that’s what it comes down to. Otherwise, it’s all just surface bullshit, right? It’s all just putting on an act, it’s being pretentious. It’s pretending to be something that you want the person to see you as, right? But that’s never real. And it’s never deep, doesn’t get to the core of who you are or who they are. So you have to allow yourself to be fully open and vulnerable. And you have to show up as yourself in that moment, right? So when you’re coming together, and you are making love, you’re showing up as your authentic self. You’re not pretending to be somebody you aren’t. Now, look, if you’re doing roleplay that’s a completely different scenario. And that’s okay. You can pretend to be somebody else during roleplay. But in general, when you want to have a really deeply connected lovemaking experience with somebody, you need to be yourself and you need to be your authentic self, not just who you think the other person wants you to be. Next, you need to be able to move the sexual energy between both of you.

So this is a really big part of both of you feeling like, wow, we were so connected in that moment, because you can feel that energy circulating between both of you as a man and when I penetrate a woman, I consciously think about sending that positive, lifeforce energy from me to her. And of course, circulating it back again, right, that’s, you know, what, like Montek chi would call a microcosmic orbit circulating that, that energy through both of you. And you can circulate that through yourself as well if you’re doing solo practice, but the idea is that you’re moving that energy between both of you. And, you know, women tend to be a bit more aware and sensitive to energy. I’m not saying that men aren’t. But in general, they tend to be so if you’re not connecting your energy with hers, she will feel it, and she’ll feel that she may not be able to describe it exactly. In those terms, maybe she can, but she’ll feel like something’s missing, that there’s some quality of the sex that’s not there. She’ll feel the same thing. By the way, if you’re not 100% present, you know, even if you’re moving the energy, you’re not totally present with what’s happening.

She’ll go, Oh, I just didn’t feel like he was there with me, you know. But, you know, men are just as capable of feeling that energy and moving that energy. Especially if they learn, I think, I think it just comes a little bit more natural to women to feel that whereas men, sometimes we have to learn to feel that. But both parties should be able to move that sexual energy and feel that sexual energy between each other. Next, you allow any emotions that arise to flow. Okay. This one, I’ve talked about this before, I think I even did a YouTube video on this if I recall. But if you really have deeply connected sex, or if you really touched somebody in a deep way, when lovemaking, it is not uncommon for emotions to spontaneously be released, as Céline used to say people’s issues get stuck in the tissues. This is why you see so many people doing what’s called these days, somatic work right? Somatic just means you know, physical, right?

So they do all this somatic work in the healing of different things. Well, it is true. And actually, science shows that this is true. I’ve talked about this on the show before too. There’s an author, a scientist researcher, Candace Pert, who wrote a book called Molecules of Emotion, where she showed that we always think that emotion least Prior to her work, we thought that emotions were only stored in the brain. And they were just a function of the brain. And what she did was she did research where she discovered that there were receptor sites throughout the entire body, for these molecules of emotion. So the molecules that your body creates that make you feel certain emotions, the receptor sites for that are throughout your entire body. And so when we experience trauma and grief, or even happiness, or whatever those emotions can get stored all over in the body. And one thing that I have definitely experienced and seen personally, in my lifetime, with multiple partners that I’ve had, is that women will often have emotions or trauma stored in their vaginas.

It happens, you know, a lot of women have had negative sexual experiences through their lives, maybe times where they were afraid to speak up and say no, maybe times where they were raped or taken advantage of, or, you know, just guys who didn’t care or who weren’t paying attention to them and just kind of use them, whatever it is, a lot of that stuff can be stuck in there. And so it’s not unusual if you have deeply connected sex, to touch some of those spots, both literally and energetically. And that prompts a release of emotion. And so, one, it’s good if that happens, great. And as I’ve said before on the show as a man, don’t overreact to it, don’t try to solve it. Don’t go into your masculine fixed mode, just hold space, observe, and just let her move through the emotions.

If you actually experienced this and you handle it properly, you will walk away from that experience feeling it deeply, deeply connected, because it’s not an experience that you have with everybody. And yeah, just handling that properly will show her and I’m speaking mostly from a man’s point of view, because I’m a man, and this has been my experience with this. If you can just really hold space for her, and make her feel safe in the environment to release those emotions, she’s going to bond with you, like, stronger than then, you know, you could really imagine because she’s going to feel like wow, okay, he’s, he’s got me, he’s, he’s here for me. He didn’t overreact, I feel safe here, like all of those things that she’s looking for, and wants will show up. So it can be a tremendous bonding experience. And so if you want to have deeper, more connected sex, the deeper your bond is, the deeper and more connected that sex is going to be.

And that is one of those things that can really deepen that bond. Alright, next, you talk about the sexual experience afterward, this is another great way to feel really connected to somebody. I mean, a lot of you probably have experienced this before, but well, how do you feel when, you know, you have great sex with somebody and then they just don’t say a word? And then they never really talk about it again, like, a lot of times, you’re like, Now was it good? Was it I did do something wrong? Like, you start to doubt, and I don’t know. But if you talk about it afterward, and you say, Wow, that was truly amazing. Here’s what I felt, you know, I felt more love for you, I felt closer to you, I felt more turned on than ever before. And here are the things that you did that I thought were amazing. And, you know, here’s, here’s what I really enjoyed doing, you know, to you, with you, for you, whatever, when you have those kinds of conversations, it fosters deep connection, and you can learn a lot about your partner and what they like and don’t like during those conversations too, and how you can make the sex even better and more connected.

And the last one on the list. You walk away from the experience feeling more love deeper connection for and with your partner. So, you know, when we’re talking about what do I mean by deeper and more connected sex, even if you can’t voice any of those things that I just said, like, you don’t have the words of the languaging to describe it in those terms, you should at least walk away from the experience feeling like you are more connected to that person now that you had that lovemaking session than you were before. And if you walk away, feeling less connected, there’s a problem and something needs to change. But that’s the overall feeling that you should have, you should walk away from that feeling that you are more connected, that you shared something deep and special with that particular person even, I mean, literally, it could be the first time you’ve had sex, and then you walk away from that going, Wow, I really feel so much more connected to that person now.

And I’m telling you, even though sex is a very intimate act, and you are in a way sharing very intimately and potentially, physically deeply, it doesn’t mean that you will always walk away feeling emotionally connected more to that person, but you should, especially if your goal is to try to have more deeply connected sex, then you should walk away from your experiences feeling that Okay, so next logical question, how would you like to, you know, my brain thinks very logically and yet, somewhat artistically, at the same time. I don’t know how I’m able to do that. Because I have a very sort of logical mind. And yet, I’m also you know, a musician and artist and that sort of thing. But I always like to kind of put these things in order, like, okay, here are the three stories that inspired me to do this. And here’s what I mean when I’m talking about deeper connected sex. And then the next question is, okay, well, why do you really want to have it? A lot of the reasons that I talked about or I should say, the, explanation of what more deeper, more connected sex is, should have already prompted you to go Yeah, I want that. But if it hasn’t, let me give you a few more reasons why you would want it.

Alright, number one, because honestly, in my personal opinion, that is the best sex that exists in human bodies here on planet Earth. Maybe was better sex somewhere in the spirit realms or somewhere else? I don’t know. But I can tell you having had a fair amount of sex over the course of my life and having had totally regular sex and totally disconnected sex, and totally out of this fucking world sex and really deeply connected sex, I can tell you that what truly makes great sex better than even just good sex is the fact that it is deeply connected. And there’s a deep level of trust and love there. So why would you want to have deeper, more connected sex, because in my opinion, it’s the best sex that you can have, and who doesn’t want to have the best sex they can have? Number two, because it creates a strong bond with your partner, this is a fantastic way to create deep, long-lasting bonds with a partner is to be able to have those kinds of sexual experiences that blow your mind that move massive emotion, that create more love between the two of you. I mean, yeah, it can really create some really deep, strong bonds.

And look, if you’re in a relationship with somebody that you are planning on being in a relationship with long term, you want to create those deep bonds, because that’s how you maintain a beautiful, healthy relationship over the long term. Alright, next, because the physical pleasure is intense, trust me, if your sex is deep and connected, the physical pleasure is going to even be better than it would be if it were just a purely physical encounter. It just is. And if you’re over there skeptical thing I, yeah, whatever do like I just I hook up with women all the time. I have great sex. And it’s really it feels really great. And the pleasure is intense. And I can’t imagine it would get any better than that. Well, let me tell you, it does. It does. And if you don’t agree with that, it’s simply because you’ve never actually experienced it before. Oh, there is a truth bomb. I didn’t set up my sound effects today. I can’t give you a truth bomb. But at least I can’t give you a truth bomb sound effect. But that is absolutely a truth bomb right there. When your sex is deeper and more connected, even the physical pleasure is far more intense. All right.

And lastly, because it is one of the most beautiful human experiences you can have, I kind of said that. Similarly, in the first one because it’s the best sex possible. But, really, I think some of the moments I have had, especially with Céline, because we were so deeply connected. And we were together for a long time, we shared so much that some of those sexual experiences were literally peak life experiences, like, and if you don’t understand the term peak life experience, you can go look it up. But there’s this whole idea about peak experiences in life, you know, the sort of penultimate experiences that you can experience while being human. And I personally think that having really deep connected sex is one of those peak experiences that you can have in life and the way I wrote it here is one of the most beautiful human experiences you can have. So there you go, there are four more reasons why you would want to have deeper, more connected sex. If that doesn’t entice you that I don’t know what will.

I think at this point, maybe if you’re not already on board going here, I want that and I want to know what you’re going to talk about next, which is how to actually do this, then yeah, yeah, maybe this isn’t the right show for you. So yes, what I’m going to talk about next is how do you actually do this. But before I get there, a short break from a sponsor? Are you in a couple? Are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there challenges you would like to make but just don’t know how maybe you think there is nothing that can be done I challenge you to make this year, the year that changes. If you’re not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life. Go to KevinandCéline.com/sex-coaching-couples and schedule a strategy call with me today. So I can help you map out a strategy to get where you want to be so that you can have your sex love and relationship all your way again, that is KevinandCéline.com/sex-coaching-couples link is in the description. When we’re talking about how to have deeply more connected sex, we’re really talking about how two people, at least two people could be more than that. But primarily two people come together in sexual union in a way that creates a deep, deep connection. And that is definitely something that if you haven’t experienced before, you should and that I can help you with. So go check out KevinandCéline.com/sex-coaching-couples, and the link is in the description and book your strategy call today.

Okay. So I think we’ve done a good job of explaining, you know, that this is common, right through the stories that people want to know how to do this. Either they feel like it’s lacking and they want to figure it out, or they’ve had it before, and they want to know how to find it again. We talked about what we’re actually taught, like, what is the definition of this? Like? How do we define deeply or deeper, more connected sex? We’re talking about the reasons why you would want to have it. And so now we’re at the point in the show where let’s talk about the details, the how do you actually do it? If you haven’t had it before? How can you create it? Okay, number one, start by having a conversation about what this sex means to both of you. This is something actually that a lot of people don’t do. And this whole idea of what is this encounter going to mean to us actually got that from the poly community that I used to spend a lot of time with.

And, you know, we would go to sex parties, Céline and I and, you know, there would always be like an opening circle and stuff. And they, you know, they talk about, you know, following boundaries and rules and all that. But at some point along the line, somebody threw in there who was facilitating, hey, if you’re going to have sex with somebody new here, along the lines of okay, you know, here’s my STD history, and the last time I was tested, and my boundaries and all that. Why don’t you also ask, if we have sex right now, what is this going to mean to us? And oftentimes, people think that that is, okay, well, the first time you’re gonna have sex, you can have that conversation. And yes, you should. But you can also check in from time to time, even if you’re in a long-term relationship, like, Hey, what is this? What does it mean to you today? If we’re if we make love, right, and the idea is, is that you are connecting beforehand, you’re setting this conscious intention that this lovemaking experience is, it means something to you. Right?

And, that is a great way to start off. Having deeply connected sex because, you know, I mean, sometimes it’s, it’s easy to get kind of lost in the hot and heavy, you know, desire, and I want you and let’s rip our clothes off and just fuck, right. And then there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’re trying to have really deeply connected sex, it might be better if you slow down a little bit. And you start with a conversation about, hey, you know, here’s what it would mean to me, for us to have sex right now. So that’s, that’s a great way to start. Next, take the time to create a beautiful environment without distractions, okay, now there’s, there’s two pieces to this one, there’s creating a beautiful environment. And then there’s a there’s creating an environment without distractions, I suggest that you do both. However, I do understand that you can have deeply connected sex in the backseat of a car. Or I don’t know, in a coat closet, like it’s, it’s still possible to do that, even though you don’t have a great environment in those situations, because it’s not really just about the environment. It’s about the two individuals in that environment. But I do suggest that if you make a pleasant environment, that it will be helpful. So in last week’s episode, I had caught Vox on and we were talking about portals into erotic encounters.

And so we were talking about making it smell good in the room. You know, thinking about the lighting, thinking about is it warm enough in there, you know, is the, you know, bedding mattress, whatever it is you’re going to be making Lebanese a comfortable for that person. All of those types of things will allow both parties to read lacks in the environment, and when you can relax, you can then let go and go deeper. Now, but again, that is not maybe 100% necessary. But what I do feel is necessary that’s part of this one is distractions is making sure that there aren’t a bunch of distractions in your environment. Because if you have distractions like noises, or you’re worried about the kids walking in, you know, whatever it is, cell phones going off, things like that, it’s really hard to stay really present and connected with your partner and reach those levels of depth and intimacy. When you’ve got all of those distractions happening in the background, it could still potentially be done.

But it would take people who were really really good at concentrating, focusing. Otherwise, I just recommend that you remove all those distractions. Next, move slowly and explore each other’s bodies. Don’t just go straight for the genitals don’t just go straight for penetration. And there are times when that’s perfectly fine. Again, nothing necessarily wrong with that. I had a lover once who, walked in and said, I set my timer for an hour and a half because I have to go. So let’s get to it. Okay. But that intention was set right from the start. And we knew exactly where we stood, right? So, in general, though, if you really want to have deeply connected sex, you want to move slow, take your time, explore every part of your lover’s body, you know, and that was the thing is like, this is something that I love to I mean, I love women, I love women’s bodies, I just, yeah, I feel in every cell of my body when even think about it. But I mean, I knew every millimeter of salines body, every mole, every scar, every hidden little spot that you never see.

Because I took the time, over and over again, to explore her body and appreciate all of the little different spots and things that made her body hurt. So that’s a really great way to have deeply connected sex with somebody you should know every part of their body. You know, later on, that evening, or the next day, when you’re thinking about the encounter, you should be able to visualize those specific parts of their body and go, Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Right. That’s the kind of feeling that you should have. So slow down, and take the time to really explore each other’s physical bodies. Next, pay attention to your partner, don’t get lost in your own pleasure kind of talked about this already. But you got to pay close attention. Pay attention to, you know, what are their eyes doing? Are they squinting? And like? This is uncomfortable? Are they gazing intensely? Are they looking at you like a hungry lion? Like you’re a piece of meat? Do they have a deep love in their eyes? Are their cheeks flush? Has their breathing changed? Is his erection really strong? Is their penis starting to lubricate already? Same with her vagina? Are her labia swollen? Are they changing color? You know, is she shaking or anything like that, I mean, pay attention to all of those signs.

Because that’s how you can really deeply connect with them by being aware of all of those things. And sometimes you can even point them out. If it’s right in that moment to say like, Oh, I see, I see your thighs are trembling a little bit, you know, or whatever it is, like, just show that you are paying attention and that you recognize these things. Next, both partners should seek to serve each other and pleasure each other through deeply connected sex. Again, I said this once already in the show, it’s not just about you, if it was just about you, it’s not deeply connected sex. So deeply connected sex means it’s about both of you and what you are co-creating together. So you should be seeking to serve each other in the moment. This sometimes is a hard concept for guys to understand. You know, Céline used to say all the time that you know, in any relationship and not just in sex, but just in any relationship each partner should be contributing about 65%.

Now obviously, 65 and 65 add up to more than 100 Right? So you say how is that possible? How could both people be contributed? The idea behind it is that you’re not seeking like, oh mountain, I gave my 50%. So I’m done, I’m gonna sit back and wait for you to contribute the other 50%. That’s not how it works in a relationship or in sex, not if you want to have a great relationship or great sex. So you should always be seeking to give more than you receive. But here’s the thing. And this is the part that’s hard for a lot of guys to understand. In giving more, you will actually receive more, I know this blows a lot of guys’ minds, and how can this be, trust me, if you really give to your woman, as a man and give without expecting anything in return, she will want to give to you more women by nature are nurturers and they give, but they don’t like to give when they feel like they’re not being appreciated, you’re not giving back to them, right. So all you really have to do for them to want to just give and give and give more is to give to them first.

You know, so many people both men and women do this in relationships they get in this cycle of why should I give to him or her when they’re not giving to me. And that’s the wrong way to look at it, you got to look at it and say, I’m going to give first of my own free will, right without expecting anything in return, and then receive now, obviously, if you’re giving all the time, and the other person is not giving back, then that’s different, don’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of. But in general, if you really want somebody to feel not just comfortable, but like that, that they really want to give to you give to them. And then they’ll go wow, this person is so amazing. They’re so generous, like, I just I want to give that back to him or her. So, it works both ways. I mean, as a guy, you know, we want to give to our women, whether it’s you know, sex or love or fixing things around the house or helping her with problems, we want to do all of that stuff. But we often don’t do it if we feel unappreciated. So it works both ways, the more we give in, the more we’re likely to receive.

All right. Next, allow yourself to be vulnerable. You can’t really have deeply connected sex if you are not allowing yourself to open up and be vulnerable. If you’ve got a wall up in front, because you don’t want the person to see a certain side of you or you’ve got trauma that’s blocking or whatever it is, you’re probably never really going to get to that really deeply connected sex place. So in order to do that, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. And that’s hard for a lot of people, especially a lot of men, but you got to do it. You know, I’ve seen a lot of guys like, they’re afraid to even make noise when having sex like they’re self-conscious that if you know, they’re enjoying it so much that they start letting out some grunts that somehow that’s weird right? Now, you just got to be yourself. And if when you’re making love noises want to come out, let the noises come out. And here’s a little pro tip for you, when it comes to lasting longer in bed, and the jack elating when you want to as opposed to prior to when you want to one of the keys is moving that energy, one of the ways to move that energy is to use your voice, you literally pull that energy up and let it out your voice.

So yeah, just allow yourself to really be vulnerable in that moment. And women can feel it when they can feel when you’re really allowing yourself to be vulnerable. And you know, guys don’t think that vulnerability means weakness, it doesn’t just because you open up and allow yourself to be who you are and share with her how much you love her. And the things you appreciate and how beautiful she is and, and express those things doesn’t in any way, shape or form mean that you are weak or less of a man somehow. So vulnerability does not mean weakness. Not in this context. Anyway. Let’s see. Next, allow your authentic emotions to move. So we talked about this before with the fact that emotions can come up, they can come up for both men and women. I’ve seen it happen with men too, you know, men who maybe didn’t allow themselves to, to really feel loved. And then they get into a relationship and they have this kind of deeply connected sex and for the first time in their lives, they feel like this person truly gets them and truly like loves them for who they are.

Emotions can move. And that’s fine. And that’s again, a great way to have this type of deeply connected sex is to allow those emotions to move in bond over that. Next, learn how to move sexual energy throughout your and your partner’s bodies. Yeah, I mean, we talked about thought before about that microcosmic orbit and circulating that energy and how it feels to move that energy between two people, it’s if you’re physically connected through a penis and a vagina, and maybe mouth to mouth and body to body, and you’re energetically connected, and you’re emotionally connected, who, if you’re connected on all those levels, you are having the best sex of your life, I guarantee it. And lastly, share your appreciation afterward. So yeah, share all of that stuff. Tell the person, how much love you felt for them, tell them how deeply connected you felt. Tell them about how you really appreciated the experience of just being held in that moment, while your emotions moved through you share all of those things. Those are, those are moments that you will have together that you will remember for the rest of your life no matter what. Okay, so there you go, those are some of the steps on how you can have deeper, more connected sex, I’m sure that we could come up with a few more, but those were the ones that really stood out to me when I was sitting down to write this. And I’ve had this kind of sex, I really wanted to just sit there and think about what have I experienced.

And how did that help create deeper, more connected sex? And so yeah, I think that’s a really good place to start. If you can do those things. Trust me, you’re having the best sex of your life. Okay, I got one last thing I want to cover here on this episode. Because it is feedback that I do hear from time to time. And that is, okay, well, that’s great. And I’m doing all those things. And I really want to have this kind of sex, but my partner just can’t go there. Okay, well, sometimes that’s the case. So then the question is, what if your partner can’t go there? Well, number one, you want to let them know that this kind of sex is important to you. So it comes down to communication again, you need to have a conversation with them and say, okay, you know, every time we get together, I noticed that you just kind of go into your own world, and you’re doing your own thing. And it’s really important for me, that we have sex that is more connected, right?

Now, it’s important not to go into blame. And not to say you do this, and you do that, and I wish you would do this, and why don’t you do that, right? And just say, Look, this is the kind of sex I want to have. And this is how I think we can do that. And would you be willing to try this with me? But you got to, you really got to explain it to them. Because you can be doing all of these things. And you can be showing up and trying to do this, and not getting the response that you want from your partner. But if you’ve never actually said to them, Hey, this is what I’m doing. And this is what I’m trying to create, they might be completely unaware of it. And simply by saying, Hey, here’s what I’m trying to get us to create together, they might go, Oh, I didn’t even realize that. Okay, I’ll try, right, you need to really start there with that conversation. And then next is to encourage them, but don’t push them to become better at how to use all those things that we talked about before. And you might even need to take them one at a time and say, Hey, on this lovemaking session, let’s just focus on being more present with each other. And don’t worry about any of the other things. Or you might say, Hey, today, when we make love what’s focused on trying to move the energy, right? And just encourage them and make it fun, make it a game, you know, try to see like, hey, let’s see, let’s see how high we can get from this experience. Right? You know,

but don’t push them is the thing to say, we got to do this. And it’s got to be like that. Because that’s, that’s a sure way to get your partner to say, you know, man, I don’t want to do it. So encourage but don’t push. And then give them some time. You gotta give them some time. I know, it’s frustrating. I hear this from a lot of women. They want to have this kind of deep, loving, connected Sex and the guys are more like they just want to have physical let’s just pound fuck having an orgasm, ejaculate all over, and be done with it kind of sex. And there’s obviously a disconnect there. She’s not satisfied. And he’s like, I don’t get it, why you’re not happy with this. If that’s the case, you know, half the conversations, encourage them, and then give them some time it is probably going to take some repetition, right? Especially if you’re trying to change long-held habits or patterns. It might take some time.

However, that doesn’t mean you wait forever and just keep saying Well, half he’ll eventually get it. If at some point he or she is not getting it and you’ve given them ample time, then, you know, you might want to do something else which will We’ll get to, but you want to, you do want to give them some time, in the beginning, to experiment and learn and see the value in it and get on board. Next is lead by example, all the things that we talked about, you got to do them first. If your partner is not doing them, just simply telling them to do them, but you’re not doing them isn’t going to help. So lead by example, and make sure that you aren’t doing all of these things. Next, see if you can enroll them in a workshop or coaching. So okay, so you’re doing these things, you’re leading by example, you’ve given them some time, you’re encouraging them, you’re having the conversations you need to have, but they still seem to not be getting it.

Well, see if you can enroll them, meaning get their buy-in to say, hey, you know, there’s a workshop on energetic sex coming up this weekend, you know, I’d really love it if you would attend it with me. Or, hey, you know, how about we hire a coach who can help us take our sex to the next level? And you know, don’t say, hey, we need to hire a coach to fix our fucked up sex life. Even if that is the case, I wouldn’t phrase it that way. But you know, imagine like, I just think about, imagine if my partner comes to me and says, I really want to hire somebody to take our sex to the next level. I’m like, next level, you mean, there’s better than this? Yeah, okay, I’m in. Why not? You know. And then lastly, if they just won’t do it, then consider alternative options. And this is something we talk about a lot on the show if they’re not willing to, you know, fix the relationship or fix the sex in the relationship, then you might want to consider other ways that you can get your needs met, if they’re not capable of having this kind of deeply connected sex is there another way that you can get that need for deep connection fulfilled, whether it’s sexually with another person in an open type relationship, or whether it’s just emotionally from a good friend, or whatever it is, you might have to figure out other ways.

And ultimately, if the person is really just not willing to go there with you, and this is really important for you, then of course, you always have to look at whether this is the correct relationship for you to be in. So those are some things that you can do if your partner isn’t really willing to go there. I strongly hope that if having really deep connected sex is something that you want that your partner is willing to at least try their best to go there with you because I know, I know from personal experience, that this is one of the most amazing experiences you can have as a human is to connect really deeply and lovingly in sexual union with another human being it is absolutely phenomenal and fantastic. And I hope that everybody gets to experience that in their lifetime. So there you go. I hope that was helpful. I hope that has made you if you’re not already having this kind of sex, want to go out and have this kind of sex. And that’s all I have for you for this episode. And I will see you next week.

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Céline Remy 53:31
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. That’s kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 53:45
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 53:47
And remember, you’re amazing!