A Woman’s Experience Dealing With Men’s Sexual Dysfunction With Stephanie Ganowski

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 249. And it is titled A Woman’s experience dealing with Men’s sexual dysfunction with Stephanie Gaskey. So this time is going to be a little bit different. I did a show not too long ago called payments problems, penis solutions, where I talked a lot about the different types of sexual dysfunction that men can experience. And then, of course, solutions for how to deal with those. But those were really from more of a sort of clinical perspective, like, here’s the problem, and here are the solutions for the problem. What I want to talk about today, and the reason why I have a guest on today is, you know, when we talk about men’s sexual dysfunction, we almost always talk about it from the point of view of the man, what he’s experiencing what he can do about it. And what we rarely ever talk about is the perspective of the woman that he’s with. And so that’s what I think is going to be really interesting to talk about today.

Because there are two things there’s one, how a woman reacts to a man experiencing sexual dysfunction definitely affects how he feels about it, and what he does about it to change it. But there are also ways in which women can support a man I don’t just mean emotionally, but like physically, in the moment how she can support him if he is experiencing sexual dysfunction. And I think too often, we tend to look at something like sexual dysfunction as well. It’s just, it’s his problem, he needs to deal with it. And anytime we’re coming together in you know, sex, it’s a co-creation, and both people have a role to be played in that. And so that’s really what I want to get into today. And what’s gonna be fun about it is my guest has agreed to talk about her own personal experiences with this. So I think that’s going to be really, really fun.

But before we do that, gotta read an ad from our first sponsor, do you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed and check out Power and Mastery, it is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections, last longer, or increase your sexual skills, there is something for you at powerandmastery.com. That is the men’s sexual mastery course that Céline And I created. It is fantastic. We get great feedback. If you are experiencing any of the problems that we’re going to talk about today. If you’d like to do an at-home study self-paced way of dealing with that then check out powerandmastery.com

Okay, so, my guest today is Stephanie Gaskey. Stephanie is a clinical sexologist and host of the What I love about sex podcast, who has been working with men for over five years in the sex and relationship space. She specializes in helping men overcome Dick-related issues such as premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, and erectile dysfunction, as well as teaching men how to be effective communicators in their sex lives. Her goal is to take the pressure out of sex and put the pleasure back in. Welcome to the show, Stephanie.

Stephanie Ganowski 3:38
Thanks for having me. I’m super excited about this conversation.

Kevin Anthony 3:41
I love in your bio, how you say helping men overcome Dick issues. I love the fact that you use that word.

Stephanie Ganowski 3:49
My clients use that word with me most.

Kevin Anthony 3:57
Larry Flynt, the famous hustler guy, you know, he was famous for saying, just relax. It’s just sex, right? And so many people take sex so seriously, and they have to use the clinical terms and like all of that stuff. And you know, my wife when she was alive, she would throw out dick and pussy and cock all over the place. You know, people be like, Ah, I thought we were talking about penises and vaginas.

Stephanie Ganowski 4:20
Yeah, we’re professionals here.

Kevin Anthony 4:23
So I love that you have that in there. It’s fun.

Stephanie Ganowski 4:26
It is. Plus I get that feedback all the time. I get a lot of guys who say the reason why I reached out to you is because you approach it in like a cool, relaxed way. You even use the word like Dick and cock. And all hear that all the time. Like guys are saying I felt comfortable coming to you because it didn’t feel so clinical. So I take pride in doing that. And I’m going to continue doing that. For that reason. I think it speaks to a lot of people.

Kevin Anthony 4:48
Awesome. I love it. All right. Let’s dive in. So, again, as I stated in the intro, what we want to do here is talk about men’s sexual dysfunction one It’s a big topic, too. It’s something that you and I both specialize in helping men with. So there’s a lot that we can share. But what’s interesting about you is, you know, when we talked about doing this show together, I said, Well, you know, I talk about those things a lot. But what I’ve never talked about was, what it’s like from the female perspective. And so you indicated that you have actually had some partners who did experience sexual dysfunction in one way or another. So I want to explore a little bit of that. And I want to start with premature ejaculation because I know that you dated somebody, or actually, as you put it, in the pre-interview, you had a fuck, buddy for seven years, who had premature ejaculation. So one to know, first of all, if you could just explain to the audience what that experience was like, so you know, you can, you can answer that however you want, but maybe start from the beginning, like what happened the first time that you realized that he had premature ejaculation? How did you handle that situation?

Stephanie Ganowski 6:06
So the very, if I can remember to the very first time it happened, I kind of just took it as a, okay, like, there’s a lot of excitement leading up to this moment because we were having sex for the first time. And we had been so flirtatious before that. So I just took it as a must. That must just be a first-time thing where it’s just, it was so exciting leading up to this. And I just went with it. Didn’t think twice about it. Honestly, I just that was my only thought. And then the next time it happened again, and it happened again. And then it happened again. And then I like I just noticed the pattern of it. And I was like, Okay, well, it’s it doesn’t seem to be a big deal to him like I never ever brought it up. We never even discussed it, even though it happened every single time.

And the reason why we did it was number one because he had a very short refractory period. So not all guys do. But he was able to, he would ejaculate within, I don’t know, one to two minutes, starting penetration. And then we would he would fool around with me and pay more attention to me. And then we would get back and he would get his interaction back and then be able to come again at a later time. So that’s not you know, all guys with PE, obviously, but this was his personal case scenario. And that’s why I never felt I think that’s why I never felt the need to ever bring it up in conversation. But when it did happen, he would make a joke about it occasionally and just be like, Oh, there he goes, like couldn’t like you just look so fucking hot today. And it was just saying I’d be like, Oh, hi, no, I do and like, we would like laugh it off. And I would only partake in the joke if he started the joke.

Otherwise, I just brushed it off, because I’m like, he was so confident our relationship was so strong and good. And we were really good friends. So plus his refractory period was short. So it was never, it never became an issue where it would have to be talked about according to how I felt anyway. And it’s funny because I never even thought of him as having premature ejaculation until I started this work, which was years later. And then I was like, oh my god, like he had PE every single time. And it just goes to show that because of his confidence because of his short refractory period. And because of his willingness to react to it in a light-hearted way. All just made it a nonissue. And there was never I never sensed any type of anxiety, any type of pressure. It was literally just something that would happen. And then we just moved on.

Kevin Anthony 8:47
That’s interesting. Well, so you were very lucky that he had a short refractory period, which is not always the case for men, especially as they get older. Tends to be I mean, I can remember being in high school, I had a girlfriend and you know, we would go home after school, we’d have sex five or six times in a row and ejaculate every time but there was like basically no refractory period, right? That is not the same at this age. Let me tell you.

Stephanie Ganowski 9:16
Yeah, it definitely changes. We were young back then too. So of course the period is more likely.

Kevin Anthony 9:21
Right? But the beauty of age is now I go as long as I want, I don’t really care about it. So I don’t need to worry about a refractory period. But I guess the point that I’m getting at here with that is that, well, two things. One, it wasn’t necessarily an issue because of the short refractory period. But two you didn’t actually really ever think of it as P E. And I think that’s an important point that the men listening to this should take away from this that you might be putting more pressure on yourself than the woman actually is. Now what’s interesting is, you know, there’s been a couple of studies done on how long men last. They haven’t done any recent ones. But the two major ones that were done in the past said that on average, one set study said men last three to five minutes. The other said, five to seven minutes. Clinically, the definition of premature ejaculation is under a minute flicked, literally, if you’re jacking in under a minute, they consider that you have premature ejaculation. So if he was going two or three minutes of penetration, he’s actually kind of almost right in that sort of what they call the average amount of time.

Stephanie Ganowski 10:35
It was more like one to two. Yeah, it was definitely.

Kevin Anthony 10:38
So he’s pretty soon, not quite clinically defined, but pretty short. So the point is, I kind of just want to reframe for men, what it really means. Now, you know, my wife and I are doing the work that we do. And having done it for a long time, we always defined premature ejaculation as ejaculating anytime, prior to when you want it to. Right. So we put a very different reframe on that. So while a lot of women, let’s say you can make it five minutes, a lot of women probably be like, Okay, well, it’s kind of the same as all the other men I’ve had. But imagine if you could go a solid hour or more, you’re going to blow her mind, especially when all the other guys are only less than five minutes. Okay, so let’s talk a little bit more about that particular experience. So you, you never really realized it until you started doing the work. He kind of laughed it off and made some jokes about it, and blah, blah, blah. Did it ever change throughout the course of the seven years that you were together?

Stephanie Ganowski 11:44
It was, it was on and off. So with him being my fuck, buddy, it was like we would date people seriously. And then when we weren’t dating, we would end up together, right? So that was the whole seven years thing. And, like going back to it was the same like nothing ever changed. But I will add that he was very, he had very advanced oral skills. And he would pay attention to that. Like, he was really good at just doing this thing down there. And I think that also made me really excited to be with him sexually because I knew that I was going to be satisfied in the best way that my body feels satisfied. So it really for me, it wasn’t so much about the penetration as it was his tongue being on me, you know, like that was the best. And he was like one of the best I’ve ever had doing that. So it was still very exciting to be with him. I thought he was super sexy. Like I was so into him, we had so much fun, he was so funny. And like, we just had all these jokes together. We were very attracted to each other. So there were all these other pieces that just made that. Overall, it was his confidence and his ability to know what I needed most and to deliver on that. And I think that’s really what you know, made it such a great experience worth going back to again and again.

Kevin Anthony 13:07
So, I mean, guys, if you’re listening, man, she just gave you a lot of important information, which is that, okay, so if you aren’t that skilled at last thing long, then there are other things that you can do. And for some women, that will be enough, that will literally be enough to keep them satisfied. That’s really important. The other thing that you said was you mentioned and you’ve said this a couple of times his confidence the way he approached the situation. So I think what happens for a lot of guys is when they do premature ejaculate, they lose a lot of confidence in the moment, they feel kind of defeated, they feel less of a man, and that completely affects the rest of their performance and anything else that might happen during that particular lovemaking session. So I think those are two really important parts. Like if you know, you struggle with lasting long, then you better make sure at least that you’re good at some other things. But then, but then also have confidence, like approach the whole situation with a certain confidence like Hey, okay, yeah, I know it didn’t last that long. But I’m going to take you there another way. And then when my refractory period is over, I’m going to dive back in again. Have you been with any other men other than this particular one that we’re talking about where you’ve experienced? Pe?

Stephanie Ganowski 14:33
Um, I definitely have not that I really have a good recollection of. I just know there have been experiences where I’m like, oh, yeah, he didn’t last very long. But like it was it never felt even when I wasn’t mature or it wasn’t I wasn’t at this age in this profession where I do have a higher sense of empathy. I would say for guys in this situation. Even when I wasn’t in my more immature State I never like judged it. And I think it’s important for guys to know that like, not all women are going to judge you and look down on you or look, look at you like you’re less masculine or you’re less attractive, like, because even the guys I had experiences with that maybe were like one time things like it was more just like, okay, like, yeah, he didn’t, if I was to explain this axe, like he didn’t last very long.

But we did, we did this and then it ended up like this. Like, I don’t have like an emotional attachment to like, oh, he like he couldn’t even last like, it’s not judgmental at all. And I never was. So I know, there’s a lot of guys listening, were probably like, Okay, well, maybe she’s not judgmental, but I’ve had women say things to me that were really hurtful, like, in the moment where they just call it out and make fun of them. And there is that too like that exists, right? We can’t just ignore the fact that there are women out there. But for guys in this predicament, if you’ve had stories of your past where this has happened, I think it’s important to just know that there are women out there like me, plenty of them who can who handle it, like and don’t judge it. And it’s just it’s not that big of a deal. And you can’t let those stories get the best of you. And those women who react that way. That’s their own insecurities, talking. It’s not, you know, it’s as much as it feels like it’s about you. It’s not about you, those reactions.

Kevin Anthony 16:21
Yeah, that’s a fantastic point to make. And, you know, I mean, I’ve heard stories from men, where women literally, like, literally kind of like, like, burst out laughing a little bit when it happened. And, you know, my audience, while it is a lot of men listening, there are women listening as well. And so you know, if you are a woman, and you’re listening to this, I think another good point to take away is, if you end up in that experience, how you handle it is important. And I think that the way that you handled it is, is kind of a model for the way other women should handle it.

In other words, you know, don’t have a negative reaction, don’t make fun of them, don’t laugh at them, you know, don’t crack jokes about it, like just say, okay, and then, you know, find other ways to move on or, you know, if it’s really a problem for you, then you know, that’s when you need to maybe have those discussions that you should be able to have in any, you know, a good relationship where you have good communication, when you sit down, say, Okay, this isn’t working for me, well, how can we work with this right and change it? So yeah, that’s great stuff. You kind of already answered this already. But just to restate it slightly differently. So being a woman having personal experience with this, if you could tell man, like, you got a bunch of men sitting in front of you who all have PE and you want to give them one piece of advice from the women’s perspective, what is the one thing that you would want to tell men who are experiencing PE.

Stephanie Ganowski 17:59
Confidence, like really learning how to own who you are to the point where you don’t allow people’s negative commentary to affect you. And it doesn’t mean that you can’t ever get hurt, because even confident people get hurt, right? Like, if you’re confident and you’re made fun of for something, you feel a little insecurity around you, it’s going to emotionally hurt you. But we don’t want it to get to the point where you’re dwelling on it. And it’s, it’s affecting your future decisions or your future experiences. So to become that man, who knows what value he brings to a sexual relationship, and lead with the value you bring, don’t lead with the anxiety of what if this happens, what if she’s turned off? Because it’s not all about her? And when you get the thought of I’m trying to impress her out of your head, you’re gonna go in with how can we have fun together? You know, what can we do to make this really sexy experience? You start thinking more in terms of, you know, how you mentioned, Kevin, that it’s like a, I forget what you said exactly, but like, a co I always say like a team effort, but that feels so not like sexual.

Kevin Anthony 19:11
Yeah, you know, it’s a co-creation. It’s a dance.

Stephanie Ganowski 19:14
Co-creation. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. And it’s, it’s all about the procreation. It’s not about just pleasing her or trying to impress her. And I feel like the more men have the mindset of I have to impress her, I have to not disappoint her. The more anxiety comes with that the more pressure comes with that, and the more pressure equals more tension which is more likely to experience PE. So to go in with that, that state of mind where you’re relaxed, and you know who you are, and you know that if something happens, you’ll know how to react to it. That’s going to just put you the best make you react the best and feel the best in every SEC scenario you encounter.

Kevin Anthony 19:51
Yeah, absolutely. There were again, some more really good bits of information in there about the increased pressure and how that can potentially really create PE. Just yeah, I don’t, I don’t have it all exactly in my head the way that you just said it. But it was really, really good the way you kind of laid out how you put pressure on yourself and how you need to just relax. And the things that men tend to do in those situations, like, Oh, I got a pleaser, and the pressure that they create actually creates the very thing that they don’t want. Interestingly enough, you know, my, my wife, before we were together, she used to have this, I don’t know if you’d call it really a rule. But she basically because she had been with enough men who, the first time or first few times that they made love, they did that they put all that pressure on themselves, right, and then they wouldn’t perform well.

And so she happened to be with someone who turned out to be a long-term partner, but when they first got together, he actually said to her, give me five times, give me five times to be together for us to like, really get in sync and for me to really get comfortable with you. And then, you know, if I’m not satisfying, you, let me know. And at the time, she was like, oh, it kind of sounds like a lie, you know. But she went ahead with it, right? And, it turns out that after the first couple of times, it did get a lot better. And so she kind of learned from that experience that yeah, guys will do that a lot, they’ll put a lot of pressure on themselves. And they’ll create a lot of anxiety, and they won’t perform that well until they get more comfortable with you. So, again, for the ladies listening out there, maybe that’s something that you might want to use, right? It’s to say, hey, when you’re with somebody new, give it a couple of chances to see if it improves and see if he gets comfortable and calms down. Now, in your case, you were like it happened, that it happened again, and then again, and then again, and it didn’t improve. But there were other things there that worked out.

Stephanie Ganowski 22:05
Totally, yeah, I love that advice.

Kevin Anthony 22:09
What would you say is the most common cause of PE? Because we’ve talked about a few different potential causes for it, what would you say in your experience, working with men is the most common cause.

Stephanie Ganowski 22:23
The most common cause in my experience, or is the fact that men pretty much what I said, like put the pressure on themselves, and they’re so stuck in their heads, and they’re so stuck in their past stories, that they allow the past stories to dictate their future. And it’s just, you know, they have this experience that they dwell on, and they’re so afraid that it’s going to happen again, that they go into sexual experiences, feeling that way, and then it does happen again, and then they just prove themselves, right, and keep that story proving them, right. So it’s like this messed up, you know, belief structure, that instead of rerouting it to get to have new experiences, they just keep repeating the old ones. And they’re very, you know, stuck in their head. And they like presents. So that’s, that’s what goes on. At the same time, if you’re so stuck in your head, thinking about what could happen, or I hope this doesn’t happen, or what is she thinking right now, then you’re not actually in the moment.

And it just comes across very, either awkward to women, the woman you’re with, it comes across like tense to the woman you’re with, like, she just feels like something’s off. And sometimes she doesn’t even know what’s really, like, it’s just sometimes it’s just this innate feeling of like, something was just off with him. You know, it’s not even just about the PE. Sometimes it’s just like, there’s something off. Because I know, like, as a woman, if I when I felt like I wasn’t connected to the man I was having sex with, like, he wasn’t there with me. I just felt like I was used for sex. Like, I just felt like this sex toy that like, it wasn’t an emotional experience. It wasn’t a connection. It was just like something that happened and it felt very empty. And then I didn’t want to have sex with that person again, because that’s not the feeling you go into having a great sex experience with. So. So yeah, I would say that the lack of presence be due to the fact they’re so stuck in their head.

Kevin Anthony 24:19
Yeah, that presence piece is absolutely huge. It’s one of the things in you know, I did the commercial at the beginning for the power mastery series. And in the sexual mastery portion of that, that’s one of the big things that we talk about is how to really, truly be present in that moment, because a woman will sense that immediately when you’re not present. She absolutely knows that she may not phrase it such that oh, he’s not being present with me. Some will. Some will say oh, he’s really not present with me. Someone will do exactly what you just said and be like, there’s just something off. I’m not sure what it was. But what it is that she’s sensing is he’s not fully present with her. And if he’s not fully present with her She’s never going to fully open up to him in that moment. And the sex is never going to be as good for either of them as it really could be if you were really truly deeply connected. So that’s a huge piece, whether you’re dealing with PE, or you just want to have amazing lovemaking that idea that you need to really be present in the moment is huge, huge, huge.

Stephanie Ganowski 25:22
Yeah, and sometimes I, and there are a lot of guys out there I know who are like, Alright, everyone says Be present. What does that mean? Like, what the fuck is like, explain it to me. They get very frustrated, like, what does that even mean? And a trick or an exercise I tell guys to use is just focusing on a different sense, either one or two senses during sex, whether it’s like, just focus on the noises that you’re hearing, whenever you find yourself drifting off and getting stuck in your head, like go back to what you’re seeing and focus on everything you’re seeing, and what you what’s arousing you based on your sight, or go to go to your hearing, like, what are you hearing that’s really rousing you and turning you on like, and connect with one of your senses. And it does a really beautiful job of just bringing you right back to that moment. And it’s something that you could do like very, very quickly.

Kevin Anthony 26:10
Yeah, that’s a great exercise. I mean, I get that some men don’t really understand what it means to be present. And at the same time, I just sometimes shake my head and I go look, okay, to be really present. Are you noticing the color in her cheeks? Are you noticing her labia are swollen? Do you have a concept of even what time is like in great lovemaking, time doesn’t exist, it doesn’t exist. When you’re done. And you’re laying there, and you’re cuddling, and you’re looking at the clock and you go, Oh, wow, holy shit, I can’t believe it’s been that lucky. Because you had no concept of the time. That means you were present. If you know every noise that happened outside the room, and you know exactly what time it was and how long you were doing it and all that stuff. That means you weren’t really focusing on what you were doing in that moment, you were too distracted by all the other things going on. So not that difficult to understand what it means to really be present. And yet so many people in our society don’t. And I think a lot of it has to do with the current crazy modern society with all its distractions that we all live in. But that’s a whole.

Stephanie Ganowski 27:19
Yeah. Too many distractions. Our minds are just being programmed to like find something else, like to distract.

Kevin Anthony 27:26
Absolutely, we could do a whole show on that alone. However, we are here to talk about sexual dysfunction. And I’m curious, have you ever been with a man who experienced delayed ejaculation?

Stephanie Ganowski 27:41
Yes, I have. And the man I experienced that with I was romantically dating, like, seriously dating. So um, so that was, yeah. Do you want to ask a specific question?

Kevin Anthony 27:55
So now that we’ve established you have been like, now I’m curious, how did that show up? Like, how did you notice it? Did you have a conversation about it? And then I want to know, did you do something to address it? Like, how did you handle it in the context of your relationship?

Stephanie Ganowski 28:15
Well, this one was definitely different. Because it was it started out with blow jobs not being effective, meaning I couldn’t get him to come. Which I took pride in my blow jobs like this, like any woman. I know, right? And this was an ego hit for me, because I was like, wait, I know, I’m good at this really good history with us. And, um, and that was kind of like a shock, where I’m like, Why isn’t this like working, and I’m so so that made me feel insecure to the point where I didn’t address it because of my own insecurity. And then I realized, alright, this is not going to solve it, like, because then it started happening during penetration. And I was like, I need to bring this up.

Like, this has to be a conversation because I actually care about this person. And I see long-term potential in this person. So it’s silly, like, put the ego aside and just go and talk to him about it. And, and I did that, and I said, What do you think it could be? And it was interesting because I was trying not to create pressure around the conversation. So I was like, very aware that like, because in my head, I’m like, what if having this conversation puts more pressure, and then makes it even harder for him to come? And like, I didn’t want that. So I was like, Okay, how do I address this perfectly? And I’m like, There’s no perfect way. Let me just go talk and just say what’s like on my mind and ask what I could use in terms of, you know, information from him to make it more pleasurable for him. Maybe it wasn’t pleasurable enough for him, and it was just all about me. So if I know anything about ED, that’s usually the main thing. cause is guys struggling with ED are putting all the focus on her pleasure, and they really don’t know what they want.

And they don’t prioritize what they want. So because they don’t prioritize what they want, it’s kind of like this, they just put themselves in this place where they don’t know their body. And they don’t realize maybe their body changed and gets aroused by different things now, but they’re not connected to that self-state of arousal. They’re just all about her. So I help guys with ED to focus more on like, what makes them really aroused? And how can they communicate that to their partners, that it’s about them just as much as it is about her. So that’s essentially what I did with this partner. And I, I asked him if there was anything that he wants me to wanted me to do differently, or if was there anything that was turning him off, that maybe turned me on that he wasn’t used to. And turns out, there were some things that he was a little intimidated by because I introduced things that he was not used to. And there was this little intimidation.

Kevin Anthony 31:06
What Come on, you gotta give us an example.

Stephanie Ganowski 31:11
I’m just like, some, like certain toys, like gags and like a leash, you know, like, some kinky toys that were just, he was not used to that. So he was just thrown off by the concept of like, oh, shit, this is what she’s into. This isn’t what I do. Like, is she gonna like the sex that I’m used to? You know, so we had a conversation about that because he pointed out that I was bringing in a lot of kink. And it was at the time when I was studying kink. I think, because I was studying it, I was all excited. And I wanted to try all this stuff. And I wasn’t thinking about, about, like, what it felt for my partner to all of a sudden bring all this stuff into our sex life that wasn’t there, like a week ago. And now all of a sudden, we’re like trying like 10 different things. And he’s never tried any of them. So it’s just like, it was a lot. And that just threw off, like his certainty of, you know, where we were sexually.

And he didn’t feel present to me. And he admitted that, that he lost presence, and he didn’t feel like I was present. And I was like, wow, really? So then we had to talk about that. And then it just became, I even asked him like, what really turns you on? Like, what things would you like us to do? And he had a hard time giving these specific answers. And he was actually like, oh, wow, like, I never really thought about that, you know, I kind of just always went in this direction and didn’t think of specific things. So it turned out to be a very, very constructive few conversations that were tough. Like, I’ll be honest, like I was, I didn’t feel great when he said like, you know, you’re jumping into all this stuff that’s kind of freaking me out a little bit. Like I felt a little embarrassed a little like, Oh, my God, like what is this? You know, so there were a lot of emotions in it. But we were honest. And we were upfront. And because of that, it was literally a month later, everything was totally fine. And we never struggled with that again. So it just goes to show the power of communication and opening up even when your ego feels hurt. Or even when you’re, you know, you’re embarrassed to share something like just do it. Because putting that information out there and getting answers from your partner is what’s going to make your sex life Great.

Kevin Anthony 33:22
Yeah, I love that part about the communication. And this is somewhat similar to what we were talking about earlier when I said the sort of five times rule kind of thing, which is that a lot of times, if you just give it a little time and you communicate about it, and you come up with strategies that work for both of you, you can eliminate these problems. Right. And so they don’t, they don’t necessarily have to plague you throughout the whole thing. And think about it, as you said in this particular relationship that this was somebody that you were romantically interested in, and you could see potential in the future with right? So if you see that in this person that you’re with, wouldn’t you want to put in the time and the effort to figure out what the problem is and figure out a way to solve it?

Stephanie Ganowski 34:09
Yeah, exactly. And honestly, if with the PE partner since we were in, I didn’t see long-term potential with him. If that was a problem, I probably would have just to be honest, I probably would have felt like, okay, like, it’s not like I’m better off just not addressing it, because there’s not anything I’m really fully emotionally invested in. So yeah, just an honest thought that I didn’t really think of before but because this partner with a D, I was so invested in I was like, I need to put my ego aside and figure this out. And this has to be discussed.

Kevin Anthony 34:49
And yeah, and I love that because part of the premise of this entire episode is that the woman has an important role in helping with sexual dysfunction. And so that’s kind of where we’ve gotten to now in the conversation, which is that you know, when you feel emotionally invested in a relationship, you are willing to jump in and do the work and do whatever it takes to help him solve that problem, not only for his own sake, but for your sake and the sake of the relationship.

Stephanie Ganowski 35:20
Yeah, yeah, totally. And I think like, going back to what I just said, If my PE partner, who is a fuck buddy had brought it up to me, and mentioned it as a concern, I would work through it with him. But if it was up to me if, like, I was feeling something, I probably wouldn’t bring it up myself because of the lack of emotional long-term investment. But yeah, I think that more women need to realize, as you’re saying that we do play a part and it’s not just oh, his problem, like, if we’re with someone who we want to have good hot sex with, you know, fuck buddy, or learn long term relationship, we have a say, in I mean, you know, not we have a, we do have a say and like, addressing and having communication around it so that it can improve like we can we have the power to improve it. And I think there’s a lot of women who were like, oh, it’s not, I have nothing to do with that.

Kevin Anthony 36:15
Oh, ladies, you have far more power than you realize. You are the most powerful sexual being on the planet, if you only know how to really harness it and use it. But again, conversation for another day. Yeah. One other point I want to make about the delayed ejaculation. You mentioned a couple of times about turn-ons, and how his turn-ons were affecting his delayed ejaculation. And the point I wanted to make about that is that one of the things that I see a lot when working with men because I’m starting to get more and more men showing up with delayed ejaculation. It used to be they were all premature ejaculators. Now now I’m starting to see more and more men show up with the delayed ejaculation issue. And what I’ve started to notice is that there is a component of porn use involved in a lot of men who have delayed ejaculation and what it comes down to is that porn is hyperstimulating.

And it’s all of their fantasies, all the stuff that real women in their lives won’t do all the kinky stuff that, you know, they’re even afraid to ask for, you know, the women have exaggerated features, exaggerated actions, and motions, everything is exaggerated, and they train their bodies to be turned on by that, then they go over to real life. The woman doesn’t look like that. She doesn’t want to do those same things, she doesn’t have those same kinks. And suddenly, they don’t have the turn on. They don’t have the desire there anymore. And so one of the things that I noticed when working with men with delayed ejaculation is we literally have to reprogram their brains to be turned on by actual real life, like real women, like real women, have wrinkles, and they have a little cellulite here. They have a little this or that like that’s a real woman, right? Not this crazy, fake plastic, everything over-exaggerated world that we see in porn. So

Stephanie Ganowski 38:21
Yeah, 100%. And with my ED guys, I’ll have them do meditation, masturbation meditations, where they’re imagining their wife or their partner, and for the same purpose, retraining their mind to get turned on by her. And some of them feel very ashamed because they’re like, I can’t just by thinking of her, like, I need to think of like, other things to keep in my head. And, and I’ll say, alright, well, maybe let’s start with porn, then turn off the porn, and I want you to finish it with thinking about your wife or your partner. And like, slowly train them to like, understand what that heightened arousal feels like and then find a way to attach it to their partner, and bring it back to like reality state.

Kevin Anthony 39:05
So yeah, that’s a great exercise and very similar to what I do with him. I tell them first of all, I usually tell them that, okay, you need to stop the poem. And then I give them the masturbation practice. And that’s the key. I said, you’re allowed to, in this case, you’re allowed to fantasize, but you’re only allowed to fantasize if you have a partner about your partner. Or if you don’t have a partner, about a previous partner or real person that actually exists that you would want to be your partner. It has to be real. That’s the that’s good. All right. Gotta take a short break for the second sponsor, and then I want to get into dealing with erectile dysfunction. All right.

Hey, guys, do you know what makes a man great, you know, the kind of masculine men that women are irresistibly attracted to? And what is it money job title, his physical body is it because he’s great in bed has a big penis or uses great pickup lines? wins. But what if you don’t have those? Or what if you only have some of them? What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships are embarrassed by your bedroom skills, doubt whether you can rise to the occasion, worry about lasting long enough, or always stuck in the friend zone, then I can help you if you’re ready to make big changes and finally become the man you have always wanted to be. Then this is the program for you go to KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior. And from there, you can figure out how to schedule a strategy call with me so we can tackle all of these issues and get you to where you want to be. That is KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior. The link is in the description. Okay, so let’s move on to another common male sexual dysfunction. And first question, because every time we approach a new subject, I have to ask you, have you had any experience with a guy who had erectile dysfunction and could not achieve an erection or had difficulty achieving interaction?

Stephanie Ganowski 41:01
Yes, I have.

Kevin Anthony 41:05
You said that kind of shyly like, ah, yeah, unfortunately, I had that too. Yes, yes. Yeah. I want to make a little point here for the people listening, if you’re thinking that God, you must have been with a lot of men who experienced all these things. No, that’s exactly the point is in today’s modern world, it is so prevalent that men will experience one of these sexual dysfunctions that it is not uncommon, even if you’ve only been with, you know, single-digit number of men that you’ve run into a couple of these. My wife and I have a friend who’s been dating for a number of years. And I remember we were out on a hike one day, and we were talking about this subject, because of course, this is what we do, right? And she told us that four of the last five men that she had dated, experienced some form of sexual dysfunction, either mostly erectile dysfunction, or premature ejaculation, or in some cases, both more of the last five men at that time that she had dated. So it’s, it’s super common, which is why we talk about this so much because we want to try to help people. So if you’re listening over there, or if you’re watching on YouTube, and you’re going wow, she’s really cute. And she sleeps with a lot of men. No, that’s not necessarily the case. Like it’s bad prevalent. If you just have a normal dating life, and you’re a woman, you’re likely going to run into this. So I just wanted people to know that.

Stephanie Ganowski 42:35
Yeah, no, that’s a good point.

Kevin Anthony 42:36
Because you seemed like, ah, yeah. I don’t want to admit that.

Stephanie Ganowski 42:41
But I’m definitely not ashamed. I do have a high number. But there’s no shame in that either. You know, it’s just like, it’s just funny.

Kevin Anthony 42:49
You’re preaching to the choir here. I don’t think there’s any shame either. We are sexual beings. And as long as we’re doing things with integrity, we’re communicating, everybody is a willing participant, and we’re practicing safe sex, then it’s all fair game.

Stephanie Ganowski 43:04
But even being that, PE affects one out of every three guys. Like, that’s right. We don’t ever talk about that.

Kevin Anthony 43:13
Right. And that’s, that’s exactly my point. So I mean, I was trying to defend your honor and tell everybody you haven’t had sex with that many people.

Stephanie Ganowski 43:21
Actually, I do have high numbers. Like I share in all of my podcast episodes, and like, I’m a pretty high body count. I’m gonna keep integrity. I appreciate you watching my back.

Kevin Anthony 43:33
No problem. Okay, so tell us about your experience with that. So just like the other questions, like, you know, what happened the first time? How did you react to it? How did you handle it in the relationship?

Stephanie Ganowski 43:45
Yeah, this happened. It happened every time we had a sexual encounter, which was only about I think, about four times. And this was a guy who started dating casually. So just casually dating, like, started to like each other. Maybe like, date three or so. I was on a date. Three, I think I made a move. Like I tried to, like make it obvious, but I was ready to have a sexual experience with him. And whether that be just oral or whatever. And he seemed to get out of the situation. I forget what happened, but he definitely like, was like, oh, we’ll be late for dinner. Let’s go. And I was like, Oh, that’s okay. And it was just like we had time to fool around you know?

Kevin Anthony 44:35
That’s a red flag right there. Because let me tell you something. As a guy myself, if I’m dating a woman, and I think there’s gonna be sex, fuck dinner, we can eat tomorrow when we wake up, right? We will cancel the reservation we will cancel everything.

Stephanie Ganowski 44:51
Yeah, yeah. So that was definitely a red flag. I was like, okay, that’s, that’s kind of what’s new. That’s different. Okay. And then And then went to dinner. And then it was until like, the fourth time that we hung out. It was like the next day, I believe I made the move again. And it he was definitely like, he just couldn’t get hard. It wasn’t happening. And oh no, we were kissing and he got hard. And I was like, Ooh, well, I made like, some comment, like, hoping to lead into like, you know, sex or something. And, and he was like, he was like, oh, like, let’s, you know, let’s go, we like to go to the bed, which is only like a few feet away. And he lost it completely. And I was like, It’s okay, we’ll get it back. And like, it was just not coming back. And I was like, That’s okay, let’s just like, hang out.

And, you know, I was just trying to keep him as calm as possible, because I could only imagine how embarrassed he was. And then, and then it was like, Okay, let’s, we just kind of transitioned it to watching a movie or something. And then date five, we start, we tried hooking up again. And the same thing happened. He just couldn’t get hard. And then he said, Oh, like this, this has been happening recently. Like, I don’t know why, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, like, Okay, that’s interesting. And I didn’t want to dig into conversation X. And like, maybe it’s just like a thing that’s like, occasionally happening with him. But then like, the next day, it happened again. And I was like, Have you ever talked to anybody about it, or like, understood where it could be coming from, and, and he said that he hasn’t really done anything to seek out help and that there was embarrassment there.

And I was like, you know, what can really help? Like, it could be really easily, maybe it’s just like, really easily treatable thing, and you don’t have to worry about it anymore. If like, you know, you got help from someone I was trying to, like, encourage him in the kindest, you know, most empathetic way without embarrassing. So I just remember playing this, like, I felt like I was walking the fine line of like, trying to show that I was still attracted to him. But that, like, he should really get help, because this is like now affecting our sex life. You know, and I couldn’t see potential with him. If the last, you know, four times we tried to do stuff, he just couldn’t, like, do anything. And he wasn’t getting help for it. Like, that’s what really bothered me was like, He’s not even he never even went to get help or try to understand it. So that turned into a relationship where we did kind of pull away from each other because I think it just became like an issue where there was another issue in the relationship. And then that issue, along with this one that he just wasn’t deciding on getting help for it was just, yeah, I just kind of saw him as a man who just didn’t take control over things he could control because the other issue pertaining to that same concept. So we drifted apart in that regard. So that’s how that went down.

Kevin Anthony 47:52
Yeah, well, you know, I wish that every man that experiences sexual dysfunction has an opportunity to be with a woman like you because it’s we discussed this earlier in the show. Not every woman reacts that way. Right? So not every woman approaches it from a place of how can I gently help him without sort of crossing over the line without making him feel bad? How can I show up with empathy? How can I work with him to solve this problem, not every woman does that. If you’re a woman listening again, please, if you run into a situation like this, I strongly suggest that that’s the way that you handle it. And try not to do any of the you know, ooh, giggle, laugh, make jokes, or shame or any of that kind of stuff.

So that’s an important part. And so I really hope that men, if they do experience, these things have that experience. But then the other piece is this. And this is a really big one, which is that you indicated it was really only a problem for you because he wasn’t doing anything about it. And that is really, really important, guys, you’ve got to do something about it. Don’t just sit there and suffer with it. Because there are two issues. Number one, ultimately, your relationship ended because he couldn’t solve it right. Now, as a sexual being, especially somebody with a high body count. Sex is obviously an important part of your life as it is for me too. I couldn’t be with a partner who wasn’t sexual, somebody that didn’t like having sex all the time and wasn’t willing to experiment and be fun and playful on a regular basis, because that’s who I am. So, if I was with somebody who wasn’t like that, I would feel very stifled in that relationship. Right. So there’s that aspect of it. But there’s another aspect of it too, that you mentioned.

And I want to sort of clarify so that men understand because it’s really important. So not only was it not necessarily compatible with you because you are a sexual being and that was important to you. but also because it showed something else about his personality that was completely unrelated to sex. And that is, Are you the kind of guy that gets shit done? Right? Do you take charge? Do you solve problems? Do you make things happen? And any feminine woman that’s out there wants a man who, who is like that wants a man who shows up and goes, Okay, I got a plan. She doesn’t necessarily expect you to be perfect. And to actually be able to fix everything. She just wants to know that you’re motivated enough to try to do something about it.

Stephanie Ganowski 50:37
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And it’s controlling the controllable like he had control to, to reach out and, and talk to someone, but he chose not to, you know, it wasn’t like, he, you know, they we all have, yeah, like you have. And plus, like these, these concerns are very easily treatable. If you speak to the right person, if it’s psychological, cause they’re very easily treatable. So when you find the right person, you find that consistency in using a method that works for you. He eventually opened up and shared with me the way that he masturbated. And that had, in my opinion, a lot to do with why he was experiencing EDI. And I was like, that was after we were done dating, I said, Can I give you a piece of advice, but just based on, you know, my professional, like, what I study on, like, that’s hurting you. Like that’s hurting this whole situation. So like, I would love like for you to check out this article and like, read about it yourself. But also, it would be really great to like, talk to someone about this, because you know, you’re training your body to stay in this predicament that you’re not happy with.

Kevin Anthony 51:49
Yeah, absolutely. There’s a ton of stuff when it comes to premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and other potential things that are habit related, right, their habits, their bad habits that you put in place, unknowingly, most of the time, probably started when you’re a kid, but that you can control then you can fix. And so that’s a lot of what you and I help people do. And, you know, there is often for men a lot of embarrassment around sexual dysfunction there is and that can often lead them to not seek help. However, you really need to get over that and just go work with somebody that you’re not embarrassed to work with. Like, the perfect example is the fact that you and I both do this work professionally. But I’m a man, you’re a woman.

Now my wife and I, we used to do that work together as well. And what we would notice is, some men would say, I don’t really feel comfortable admitting to another man that I’m not really I don’t feel like a man because I can’t get it up, right? And so they would want to work with her. And then other men would say, I don’t really feel comfortable admitting to a woman that I can’t please a woman. So I’d rather work with a man, right? So it doesn’t like, find who you feel comfortable with whoever that is, and go get help go work with him. Whether it’s me, whether it’s you, Stephanie, there’s lots of other great people out there too. Just don’t suffer with the problem. Because you’re going to have a string of failed relationships and making excuses and loss of confidence and all that other stuff that goes with it.

Stephanie Ganowski 53:27
Yeah, and the longer you wait and stay in those, having these experiences, the stronger that story gets of you’re not a good lover, and you can never get it up. And you actually start believing that and if you believe that strongly enough, your body will never, you know, your body will just follow suit, like and do exactly what those beliefs are, are pretty much instructing you to do. So you have to be really cautious of like, you know, how many experiences have had, how long has this been going on? And how long am I willing to wait until I change the cycle and reprogram my mind and also my physical habits to have the sex that I want because you can have it and the whole topic of control the controllable should give you a sense of hope and encouragement that you have control over your treatment. And it is like we said it’s like easily treatable these things when you take control over your treatment. So you know, just take that with you. Yeah, absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 54:22
And, you know, I want to make the point to that, that you program in these bad habits, but you can also program in good habits. So rather than programming in the I can never get it up and I can never satisfy a woman you can actually program in, I can always get it up and I’m amazing in bed like you can shift it in that other direction too. So that’s an important point to make is that control the controllable, right, we can change what’s not working and we can reprogram it to work so yes, exactly. Okay, Stephanie. I would love to continue examining your sex life because apparently, it’s fascinating. We’ve heard we’ve learned a little bit about the fact that you studied kink, and you were bringing kink in. There’s so much more there to explore. However, we are just about out of time for this episode. I have one last question for you. But before I ask it, why don’t you go ahead and tell the listeners how they can find out more about you if they do want to work with you?

Stephanie Ganowski 55:24
Yeah, well, first, they can check out my Instagram at Steph canal ski, and also my podcast what I Love about sex. And I think that will give them a good idea of, you know, the type of coach that I am. And they can build a little bit of trust just by absorbing some of that content. And I think they’ll know whether or not they want to take the step to coaching. And you can find my one on one coaching application in the bio of my Instagram or the bio of whatever podcast episode you choose to listen to.

Kevin Anthony 55:54
All right, and the link will be in the description to her website and her Instagram. So go check out stuff. I was on her podcast. That’s how she came to be on my podcast. And it was a ton of fun. It was a great episode. So yeah, go ahead and check her podcast out as well. Okay, I got one last question that you have not seen yet because I did not put it on the list when you asked me on purpose.

Stephanie Ganowski 56:24
Have you ever had a sex partner who?

Kevin Anthony 56:28
No, you know, I have a feeling based on our prior conversation today how you might answer this, but you might completely surprise me. So I ask this question to all of the guests on the show. And it is what is your best sexual talent?

Stephanie Ganowski 56:44
Wow, I never really thought about this immediately. It was gonna be like blowjobs.

Kevin Anthony 56:55
That’s what I thought you were gonna say, based on what you said earlier, like taking pride and how good you are at it.

Stephanie Ganowski 57:01
Yeah, but I feel like, I feel like I should come up with a more interesting one. That’s more like…….

Kevin Anthony 57:07
Answer honestly, whatever you think is your best sexual talent.

Stephanie Ganowski 57:15
I mean, yeah, I would say blow jobs and maybe also being able to go into a roleplay. And just like be really serious and into it. Like I took acting in high school. So I just like resort, I just jump right back to that like acting mode. And I just like play the character full out. And that’s always really fun and kind of like funny that I could just be like, so into it. Like right away. So yeah, I would say that those two are it.

Kevin Anthony 57:49
Yeah, you know, I ask that question and people always give me one answer. But you know what, you’re not limited to one answer. You can have multiple, bests.

Stephanie Ganowski 57:58
And I feel like we should feel that way. We shouldn’t feel like oh, I got a bunch. You know, because it kind of shows our Yeah, our excitement to Yeah, be I think if we’re willing to, to try many things in our sex life, well, we’ll see that we’ll find the things that we’re good at and that we enjoy most. And those are usually the things we find. Yeah, that’s where we find our talents. You got to try stuff, and you got to explore and have fun with it.

Kevin Anthony 58:24
Absolutely. Not just in sex, but in life in general. We got to try stuff. We got to experiment, but definitely, definitely in the bedroom when it comes to sex. Have fun with it. Experiment, my wife and I used to say, try anything at least once. And if it fails horribly, just laugh about it and try something else. Because that happened, like oh, that really didn’t work the way we thought. And we laugh about it and we move on.

Stephanie Ganowski 58:54
Yeah, no, don’t take sex so seriously. It’s supposed to be fun and playful.

Kevin Anthony 58:58
Exactly I have a new slogan that I’m going to be making some merchandise with. And it’s “make sex fun again”. Because too many people take it way too seriously, they get all caught up in their heads about it. And it is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be playful. It’s supposed to be loving, it’s supposed to bring you closer together and create more connection. It’s supposed to be wonderful and beautiful in every way and too many people just aren’t experiencing that.

Stephanie Ganowski 59:30
Now there it has to do with their reaction. You know, it’s like if you react, if you can react to it with just like, okay, like, how can I fund with this with what just happened? You know, versus that and that’s the pleasure, right? And too many people are pressure focused, and we need to be more pleasure-focused so that we can actually have fun and laugh things off.

Kevin Anthony 59:50
Maybe we’ll have you back on the show again to explore your sex life a little deeper.

Stephanie Ganowski 59:56
Oh, yeah, I’d be down. I like sharing these stories. It’s fun.

Kevin Anthony 59:59
Awesome. Well Stephanie, thank you so much for coming on the show and being vulnerable, and really talking about your experiences. And I think it was really helpful for both men and women to hear about these situations and how to handle them when they do arise.

Stephanie Ganowski 1:00:13
Oh, you’re welcome, Kevin, thank you so much for your questions and for just, you know, allowing me to feel safe in this conversation and just have fun with it. It’s been great. I appreciate it.

Kevin Anthony 1:00:23
Awesome. All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 1:00:42
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. That’s kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. Thanks for listening. And remember, you’re amazing!