What To Do When You Can’t Orgasm

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy. And we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 154. And it’s titled, what to do when you can’t orgasm. So this episode is going to be for both men and women. Interestingly enough, when people think about not being able to orgasm, they generally think about women. That’s usually what comes up talking about women.

Kevin Anthony 0:53
But actually, this is a common problem for men too and becoming more common every year. And we’ll talk about why that is when we get into the things that are causing that. So we’re going to talk about the different types of orgasmic dysfunction, we’re going to talk about what causes it.

Kevin Anthony 1:12
And then of course, because we always like to leave you with solutions, we’re going to cover a list a pretty good list of things that you can do. If you are having trouble orgasming

Céline Remy 1:24
This doesn’t replace any medical advice and support that you can need and want to replace working with a therapist or sex coach or anything like this if you really have true issues, but it will help you know how to get started. So you can start coming.

Kevin Anthony 1:44
Yeah. And so you know, working with a professional is going to be one of the things on our list. But what you’ll get as we go through the list is, what’s the stuff that you can do. And what’s the stuff that you need outside help for. And that’s going to be really important.

Céline Remy 1:59
Before we get started, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Wherever you want to have harder erections last longer or increase your sexual skills. There is something for you at power and mastery.com.

Kevin Anthony 2:26
All right, so let’s get started. And let’s talk first about the four types of orgasmic dysfunction. I bet you didn’t even know there were four years I can come. And that’s it, right? There are actually four whether they classify them in four different ways. Well, why that’s important is because how you treat them depends on what kind of orgasmic dysfunction you have.

Céline Remy 2:52
I have to say, though, I have an issue with the word dysfunction because it kind of implies that something’s broken and that you need to be fixed. And I don’t really like this approach when people like a cat come to like something must be wrong with me. And that’s not always the case like this, there could be something underlying it.

Céline Remy 3:10
So I don’t want to approach it from the place of like, oh, you’re broken, something’s wrong. It’s more like, let’s understand like those categories can help understand things because some people can come by themselves, but not with a partner. Some people can come in different situations and not others. And that’s where they would fall into those categories. Yeah.

Kevin Anthony 3:28
So I mean, that’s a good distinction. I agree with that. You shouldn’t think what’s wrong with me, or am I broken? But obviously, an orgasm is a normal part of a healthy functioning body. And if you can’t orgasm, then something is indeed wrong. What’s wrong? Well, that all depends.

Kevin Anthony 3:47
And we’re going to get into that. But yeah, don’t automatically assume there’s something wrong with you. But there is something that needs to be fixed because you should, in a normal, healthy functioning situation be able to orgasm. Okay, so let’s dive into our four types.

Céline Remy 4:01
So number one is primary and orgasmic, which is a condition in which you’ve never had an orgasm. This, I’d say is pretty rare. Most people have at some point in their life experience orgasm. I think it’s more common for women than it is for men to be honest because there are a few women who if you’ve been wondering, have I had an orgasm, that probably means you haven’t.

Kevin Anthony 4:28
That is a sure sign if you’re like, Well, I think maybe I have that. No, you haven’t because you know when you have

Céline Remy 4:35
the second type is the secondary orgasm. Yeah. Which is a difficulty reaching orgasm, even though you’ve had one before. And now, I would say is probably more common because most people have experienced one, even just one once in their life. Well, yeah,

Kevin Anthony 4:52
and secondary is really saying difficulty reaching, which means you have them occasionally from time to time here or there. But it’s definitely not a sure thing. And sometimes you struggle with it.

Céline Remy 5:03
I’ve also mentioned something like, just because you reading an erotic novel or watching porn people come in five minutes doesn’t mean that because you take 45 minutes, you’re not normal. It’s very normal. And we’ll come back to that. You know, when you’re like difficulty reaching orgasm, it takes me 15 minutes or 20 minutes. Hey, I’ve got news for you. It’s a normal thing to need some time.

Kevin Anthony 5:26
Well, two things. First of all, it’s 100%. Normal for women, every study they’ve ever done on it. I swear, we talked about this in practically every show. But yeah, it takes women 20 to 30 minutes, generally, to orgasm. And honestly, I’d say in some cases, more even more, like 40 or 45 minutes, that’s totally normal.

Kevin Anthony 5:46
So you know, if you’re going wow, you know, 15 minutes, remember that in a movie, they got basically two hours to cram an entire story into a movie. And you know, these things are designed specifically to, you know, turn you on stimulating you, whatever, they are not necessarily reflecting reality in any way, shape, or form

Céline Remy 6:04
here, but that sometimes is what some people use as their framework of life. what’s normal, and that’s not a good place to judge yourself a comparison yourself with?

Kevin Anthony 6:15
Well, absolutely. So I’m just gonna say this right now. Maybe, maybe, I feel like we shouldn’t have to say it, but I will. Because apparently we do, which is if you’re comparing yourselves to magazines, or television, or movies, or books, or any of this stuff, stop it. Stop it right now. It is fantasy, even when they’re telling you that these things are real. It is fantasy, you are setting yourself up for failure and depression if you constantly compare yourself to things that are not real.

Céline Remy 6:47
Alright, let’s talk about our third type of orgasmic dysfunction, which is called situational orgasm. Yep. It is the most common type of orgasmic dysfunction. It occurs when you can only orgasm during specific situations, such as during oral sex, or masturbation or manual stimulation of brain intrusion or whatever that is, but I think that’s really what I hear most.

Céline Remy 7:10
Especially when it comes to women where they feel like they can masturbate and have a clitoral orgasm during their masturbation, but when it comes to penetration sex, it doesn’t translate and they are unable to experience an orgasm. Or rather get have a virginal orgasm. And somehow it’s just not as good. You know, I won’t say like, oh, he asks our orgasms, and we can train your body together. If you can get to the one you can get to the other. It’s just that the wirings and just needing to be realigned.

Kevin Anthony 7:41
Yeah, and you know, actually, this is probably the most common one we see with men too. And while we see much fewer men complaining that they can’t orgasm, we do come across them. And you will often hear from them. Well, you know, it’s okay when I masturbate, but then when I go to make love with my partner, and we’ll get into the reasons why that are.

Kevin Anthony 8:03
But there are all kinds of things about performance, pressure, and things that that factor in there, which we’ll talk about when we get to the reasons why. But yeah, I would say that, in both cases, men and women, that’s probably what we see the most.

Céline Remy 8:16
And then a fourth type is the general and orgasmic, which is the inability to achieve orgasm under any circumstances, even when you’re highly aroused, and sexual stimulation is sufficient. That’s a bummer.

Kevin Anthony 8:28
Yeah, that that. I mean, we don’t know. But that likely has something to do with medical conditions, most likely, which is a great segue into the reasons why you don’t orgasm. And then there are actually quite a lot of them. You know, so this list mostly comes from the health line, but then we added a bunch of stuff to it, too. So but I just want to say that because a lot of it does come from there.

Kevin Anthony 8:59
And, you know, it’s often difficult to determine the underlying cause, especially because there are so many possibilities. So we’re just going to go through the list here. And what you’ll notice is like, let’s say you’re listening, and you’re a person who is having difficulty, you might hit like, several of these things that we say and go, Oh, yeah, that’s me. Oh, yeah, that too.

Kevin Anthony 9:22
And the reason why that is is that it could be any one of these, or it could be a combination of these things as well. So it’s important to kind of listen to each one and think about Okay, is that something that is a factor here or not, and really, actually gives it some thought.

Céline Remy 9:40
And understand too, that while we are a physical body, they are so much more around? What makes us whole in our humanity, like the emotional side, the mental side, the physical side, the spiritual side to all of this are we are interconnected, and it’s not like you’ve got your sex on their side and Then you’re the head. I don’t know the other part of your body over there on the other side.

Céline Remy 10:04
And it’s all like disconnected. If you want to be congruent and aligned, all of these aspects of your beings need to be congruent and aligned. And if there is an issue in one of those, even if it’s emotional, we like how is that connected, because I’m not having an emotional orgasm or having a physical orgasm? Well, it can play a role as you can see.

Kevin Anthony 10:27
Alright, so the first one on the list is older age. Notice they say older age, they don’t specifically say what old age.

Céline Remy 10:37
I wonder, too, if it’s because in most people’s minds when they think about getting older, their thinking is going to be downhill from thereon. And a lot of it when it comes to the placebo effect. And the idea of what you put in your head of like getting older means less fun. I think it’s really important that you seek good role models, I know plenty of all the people who have great sex, who feel good in their body and continue being a physical and experienced pleasure.

Céline Remy 11:06
And I can look for plenty, I don’t even have to look that hard, because I’d say like most of the messages out there in the media are from like, Oh, this is what, how horrible it’s going to be when you get older. So it’s important to choose a good role model and create the reality that you want. And don’t just buy into something because

Kevin Anthony 11:25
we got it, we got a neighbor who is in his mid-80s. And he’s still chasing the ladies around. But so that brings me to a point about older ages that most of the issues when we’re talking about older age have to do with health issues. So in his case, he’s very fit, he runs with his dog every day up a hill, like so, you know, a lot of it’s going to be tied to the health of your body. So,

Céline Remy 11:50
so speaking of health, if you can’t orgasm, that could be something deeper that needs to be wheeled out things like diabetes, stroke, multiple sclerosis, there are some medical issues and conditions that could get in the way. And that needs to be checked out first. Absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 12:07
We have, as you said, diabetes, stroke, multiple sclerosis, you have a history of gynecological surgeries, such as hysterectomy, prostate issues. These are all physical things that could affect your ability to achieve an orgasm. So, and we’ll talk about this when we get to how do you solve these problems. But if your issue is related to something like that, then you’re going to have to address the underlying physical condition first.

Céline Remy 12:38
There is something called delayed ejaculation syndrome, which affects about 4% of men. And it’s really a for like six months, a man has not been able to come for like 30 minutes of penetrative sex and just can’t get there. That’s what determines, but really, they don’t really know much more about that. And I feel like it could be linked a lot to the use of certain medications. And that’s probably why

Kevin Anthony 13:07
Yeah, so you know, when you added that to the list, I was like, you know, I don’t actually know much about delayed ejaculation Centrum, so I just wanted to do a little research on it and find out more. And when I was doing that I was on some sites like the Mayo Clinic, you know, kind of your big kind of mainstream medical sites. And I was just curious, like, What did they say about it?

Kevin Anthony 13:27
Really, it seems like the late ejaculation syndrome is the official medical term that they give to when a man can’t ejaculate. And when you read the list of reasons why it’s basically all the other things that we’ve talked about. We’ll be adding as we go down this list. So it’s a lot of the same things. It’s the health issues, it’s the medications, it’s all that stuff.

Céline Remy 13:51
So speaking of medication, I want to talk about that because there are very, very common side effects from taking what’s called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs, or also known as antidepressants.

Kevin Anthony 14:08
Are you going to talk about the big pink elephant in the corner of the room that we’re not allowed to say ever?

Céline Remy 14:14
Yes, so many people are on antidepressants, because as I said, it’s hard to live in this world. It’s a difficult world at times, and antidepressants can really mess up your hormones, your ability to feel your body. A lot of things even beta-blockers also can feel it can stop how you feel your hormones, anything that will play on that level of the hormones. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 14:44
so this is you know, I was slightly joking when you started talking about this and yet I’m not because this is a well-known side effect. It’s written like if you open the insert in your anti-depressant thing, it’s I guarantee you it’s listed there. At least it used to be less the history of debt out of there. And you know, I didn’t think about it when we were writing this show, but I should have looked up the stats for the percentage of Americans that are on antidepressants because last time I looked that up, it was shockingly high.

Kevin Anthony 15:15
Shockingly high. Many of you listening are probably on antidepressants. So, therefore, it’s important for you to know how much this could be potentially affecting you. So according to Gail salts, MD and Associate Professor of Psychiatry at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, Weill Cornell School of Medicine, and author of the ripple effect how better sex can lead to a better life.

Kevin Anthony 15:38
She says the most notorious medications for difficulty having an orgasm and lowering libido are serotonin receptor inhibitors, serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors, and tricyclic antidepressants. Basically, she just covered it with all those fancy scientific words, all your main, you know, antidepressants fill in the commercial name that they do in the advertisements, but that pretty much covers all of them.

Kevin Anthony 16:07
So the coming from her, she’s calling it the most notorious medication, it’s like, Yeah, everybody knows that. It’s one of the first things if you’re really having trouble, orgasm, then you have to look at it, you just have to.

Céline Remy 16:21
Yeah, let’s look at a few other things here that could impact your ability to orgasm. So your cultural or religious beliefs, for sure can affect you. And we’ll come back to that to the mind. Because again, it’s like the power of our minds feeling shy. So it’s more when you tend to be held back, and having guilt about enjoying sexual activity. Again, this is all kind of this mental trip, because our biggest sex organ is located between our ears, it’s our brain.

Céline Remy 16:51
So anytime we’re messing with medication to make our brain function differently, or we are like Methodist, you know, creating silly stories in our head, it will affect our body’s response. Of course, things like sexual abuse. And again, it has more to do with the trauma that hasn’t yet been processed. And that’s in the way. So that would be that that

Kevin Anthony 17:17
did you know that history of sexual abuse, guilt about enjoying sex activity, and shyness could all be subcategories, under cultural and religious beliefs?

Kevin Anthony 17:26
Did I just say that out loud?

Céline Remy 17:29
This is kind of why we lump them together, I’m going somewhat fast because they kind of all go together. We’ve already talked about the mental health condition, because if you’re an anti-depressant, that means you have a mental health condition, like depression or anxiety, which is huge and will affect and stress and because stress is it’s the silent killer. It’s crazy, you don’t notice stress until it’s too late.

Céline Remy 17:53
Stress produces a lot of cortisol, the cortisol level will affect how your hormones are being produced. If your hormones are out of work, you can’t have as much libido, sometimes it can have an effect on how you orgasm. So it’s kind of this like, vicious cycle that you can get stuck in.

Céline Remy 18:09
And let’s talk about a couple more here, which are the self-esteem if you have poor self-esteem again, it’s about your own mental game that you’re playing, and a biggie here in the room, their relationship issues, such as unresolved conflicts, lack of trust, it could be like built-up resentment, just like you know, the stuff that you’ve tried to shove under the rug

Kevin Anthony 18:35
is actually an important one. This is one that we work with a lot in the work that we do. And it’s one I think that that largely goes unnoticed, you know, you use different terms, like you’ll say, the wisdom of the penis, or the wisdom of the vagina, or things like that, you know, our bodies tell us things all the time, if we’re willing to listen.

Kevin Anthony 18:57
So you know, rarely does anything just pop up out of nowhere, like, wow, it’s just suddenly happening. Generally, there are signs there, if you know what to look for, and if you’re paying attention. And so, you know, relationship issues, it’s a big one, these things tend to be under the surface, and we may not see them until there’s a physical problem.

Céline Remy 19:18
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Céline Remy 19:43
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Kevin Anthony 20:09
You know, we so did not do that transition on purpose, but boy was that perfect.

Céline Remy 20:14
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Kevin Anthony 20:19
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Céline Remy 20:23
Alright, so let’s talk about a couple of things before we get into our step-by-step because I really want to give the step by step we have a lot of steps, I’m going to give it enough time. But before we get into those steps, let’s talk about how orgasm and ejaculation are two different things. Well, if you are familiar with the love lab podcast, and you’ve been here with us for a while, you’ve heard us say that already on many shows, but your orgasms and your ejaculation are two different things.

Céline Remy 20:53
And they can be separated. So just because you can’t come meaning ejaculate doesn’t mean he can’t have an orgasm. So for a lot of men who come to have help from us, that’s the big reframe that we start to give them we always ask like, hey, if you could have orgasm independently of whether or not you ejaculate it, would that feel good and be fulfilling and satisfying? And most of them are like, yeah, it actually worked.

Céline Remy 21:16
So it takes away the whole pressure that you must come. And then you start to learn to move sexual energy into your body. That becomes so much more pleasurable the lovemaking. So when you’re a guy, and you can come there are so many ways that you can learn to separate the ejaculation and still feel an orgasm and still feel orgasmic bliss and still be fulfilled.

Kevin Anthony 21:37
Yeah, you know, what’s interesting is a lot of guys think that it’s the physical ejaculation that is giving them all the sensations. And so I’ve had this conversation with them before where they’re like, Yeah, but if I don’t ejaculate, then I’m not going to have all this you know, sensation and stuff like that. It’s actually not true. While there is some sensation that comes from the physical act of ejaculating. Most of what you experience is not tied to ejaculation at all. Hmm.

Céline Remy 22:09
I also want to talk about the very first step in elements you have in place when you want to have an orgasm. And or if you want to support your partner is having an orgasm. Most people focus on that arousal part on like, what’s the trick? What can I charge? What can I stimulate and add arousal? But the first step is to create safety. Because without safety, you can surrender.

Céline Remy 22:31
If you can’t surrender, it’s going to be really hard to be able to experience an orgasm, there is a correlation, especially for women, between your ability to surrender and let go and your ability to experience orgasms. So if you don’t feel like you’re safe, and you can’t surrender that you can’t get there. If you don’t, if you feel too stressed out again, stress will put you into the fight-flight, fright fight-flight. Freeze, I can do this, if you are into that you are not feeling safe.

Céline Remy 23:05
So we got to bring your body into your parasympathetic nervous system, rather than a sympathetic nervous system really important. And for some, the arousal part never comes in for some woman, zeros or part comes after kind of the stimulation, you think that Oh, arousal, then we get to like that sexual like connection. And sometimes for women, it is reversed that we need to have some stimulation to finally feel the arousal and the excitement.

Céline Remy 23:41
So if we waiting for the excitement for something to happen, we can be waiting forever, because they may never happen if you are reversed. But if we bypass that create that safety element and understand that arousal will come in its own time, then we can get somewhere.

Kevin Anthony 24:01
All right, so let’s dive into our sort of step by step. It’s not necessarily you have to do step one through step 15. Some steps will apply to you and some steps may not apply to you. But we’re gonna go down the list of things that can help you solve this problem. So number one, fix any physical issues or disorder. So that kind of goes without saying, right, we started, in the beginning, talking about how certain health conditions can cause this problem.

Kevin Anthony 24:30
If you have one of those health conditions. Really, step one has to be resolving that it just has to be, you’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t, right. So that might mean working with a doctor. Changing lifestyle habits, things like that, you’re going to have to make some big changes. And you know, that’s hard for a lot of people to do. Well, that sounds like a lot of work or well I like eating my donuts and drinking my coffee or whatever it is, you know.

Kevin Anthony 25:00
Then you just have to ask yourself, How much do you want it? How important is this to you? Would you rather keep eating your doughnuts? Or would you rather have some really great fucking sex and orgasms?

Céline Remy 25:12
Number two, treat any underlying medical conditions, which is similar to number one. But again, like seeking some help. And number three is to switch anti-depressant medications. That’s not something you do on your own. It’s something you do with your doctor but change those medications.

Kevin Anthony 25:30
Yeah, you know, those that wanted to sound a lot, like I just want to quickly make a distinction is that one, there are things that are very obviously the cause, right, physical things. And another one is things that may seem unrelated, but that are still physical issues that would need to be solved. That’s why we have two different things there.

Kevin Anthony 25:50
And of course, you know, when it comes to the anti-depressant medications, you know, you have to work with your doctor on that we can’t really tell you what to do there. But, you know, one possible strategy is to switch to a different medication, because different people react differently to different medications. So that’s one and I would honestly suggest that if you can work with your doctor and figure out a way to not have to be on them, that really is your best-case scenario.

Kevin Anthony 26:21
Really, there are a lot of things that we would call sort of natural antidepressants, like being out in nature, having the love of friends and family and connection,

Céline Remy 26:31
increasing your vitamin D level, increasing

Kevin Anthony 26:34
vitamin D levels,

Céline Remy 26:35
your magnesium levels,

Kevin Anthony 26:36
during things that you love activities that you love, there’s a lot of things that you know, we would call naturally edited presses because they make you happy, without having to take a medication. So that’s really our recommendation. Now, do not just stop taking them. If you’re taking them. Go talk to your doctor and work out a plan to do it safely if that’s what you want to do.

Céline Remy 27:02
Let’s talk about step four, we’re going to get into the juicy stuff now. So know how your body works. And that’s, I’d say like such a common-sense one, but yet common sense not so common.

Kevin Anthony 27:17
We have to come up with a new term, we can’t call it common sense anymore. Because it’s so lacking. It’s no longer common.

Céline Remy 27:23
A lot for men expect that one day they’ll meet the men who will know how to open up their bodies and how to make them come into earth-shattering orgasms. And here’s some news for you ladies, if that’s you, that Day will probably never come

Kevin Anthony 27:44
well, that they might come there are scenarios where you know, a partner can open you up to things that you didn’t know about yourself. But the important point here is do not rely on that it may happen, it may never happen. The point is you need to know what works for your body. And there’s only one way you can really know that.

Céline Remy 28:08
Figure it out for yourself. And that would lead to step five

Kevin Anthony 28:12
experiments right? Try stuff on yourself which number five is start so low.

Céline Remy 28:20
masturbation, self-pleasure, however, you name it, but play with yourself. Touch yourself figure it up, but the mirror in front of you and look at what you’re doing. Try different touch drives with toys with our toys with your fingers standing up sitting in the shower in the bathtub. I mean, come on go nature if again. I mean, try all the different things.

Kevin Anthony 28:40
Yeah, the thing is, is the same thing doesn’t work for everybody. Especially if you’re a woman is a little simpler for us guys. But for ladies, it might be you know, you have to G spot stimulate or you have to clitoral stimulate. Or you know, some women are like really vigorous clitoral stimulation where I was like, Whoa, no, that instantly numbs me out, right. Like you have to figure out what works for you.

Céline Remy 29:04
Let’s talk about number six, which is about rewiring your brain believing is everything. If you believe that you can come You are right. If you believe you can, then you can whatever you believe is true. And you got to remove these old patterns. You can work with different programs like hypnosis or EFT. But things that will work on the subconscious what’s in your brain is not conscious. So just saying I can come am a coming machine is not going to change the subconscious. You need to rewire that. I

Kevin Anthony 29:42
think it was Henry Ford, who said whether you believe you can or you can’t either way you are correct.

Céline Remy 29:47
Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 29:48
Maybe I don’t know if that’s him, but the quote is correct.

Kevin Anthony 29:51
Well, and so you know, what we’re really talking about here is removing old patterns, right. So in other words, if you’ve been telling yourself For years, well, I just can’t go, you know, it just doesn’t work for me or another may be a more common thing is, I need to have it this way in order to come, right. those are belief patterns that you’ve ingrained in your subconscious by repeating them over and over and over again. And as you alluded to, it’s the subconscious that really runs the show

Céline Remy 30:22
95% of what we do is run by our subconscious,

Kevin Anthony 30:25
right. And so by sitting here saying, well, I believe I can go, but without putting that into the subconscious, it’s probably it’s not going to override the actual subconscious program, which is No you can’t.

Céline Remy 30:38
And things like self-hypnosis work really well. Things like Emotional Freedom Technique, EFT work, awesome, I use all of that in my for myself, in my practice with my clients. So you got to go to the subconscious, it’s really important and your mind is essential there. So we’ve got to retrain that,

Kevin Anthony 30:58
yeah, we’re going to be partnering with some new tools that are going to be able to help you in that area, too. That’s going to be kind of exciting. Well, we’ll be sharing that out through our email list. So if you’re not on our email list, you should go to kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault and get on that list because we’re going to be sharing tools like that, that can help you.

Céline Remy 31:25
Number seven, reduce your stress levels. So now we are talking about the big is that we not separated that if you have a high level of stress, it’s a will impact your libido, your ability to have an orgasm and your fat and you need to find ways to reduce your stress level and reduce your cortisol.

Kevin Anthony 31:45
Yeah, yeah, stress levels, big time, big time. And if you’re a guy, you’ll also notice that you’ll have if your stress levels are too high, you’ll often have trouble getting an erection as well. So those two can be tied together.

Céline Remy 31:58
Number eight, practice mindfulness. This is huge. So mindfulness as a practice is the art of being present. And nowadays, we are so good at multitasking, especially women, you know, we have this diffuse awareness, we can do multiple things at once, and it gets in the way in the bedroom. One of the biggest things and changes that happened for me was when I learned meditation, I’d learned transcendental meditation, it impacted my sex life quite quickly.

Céline Remy 32:28
And a lot I was very surprised and did not expect that already had good sex, but it really made a difference. And mindfulness is not something you just do in the bedroom. It’s a new way of living. And we challenge you next time you take a shower to mindfully take a shower and be there feeling the water dribbling down your body and yourself, like just being there or next time you’re driving rather than like being listening to other stuff like being present and one with the car and merging with the steering wheel. Next time you go on a walk. I mean, you get the gist of it.

Kevin Anthony 33:05
Yeah, you know, quantum physicist, Fred Alan wolf said years ago, he said the final frontier is not space, as they said in Star Trek, but it’s mind.

Céline Remy 33:17
Yeah, so mindfulness, and I think pretty much anyone can benefit from improving and increasing their mindfulness. Even if you already have great sex. I want to talk to you about number nine, which is about being present where his sensations and feelings and that’s connected to the mindfulness part. And it’s also a little bit different.

Céline Remy 33:40
There is a practice called sensate focus, which if you do sex therapy if you work with somebody like me, we will walk you through this learning to be present with the sensations in your body. So most people are stuck and can’t get out of their mind. So they spend time in their head.

Céline Remy 33:58
When you spend time in your head. You can be feeling your body and you usually can’t come learning to feel the sensations and your feelings will allow you to start to modulate what you’re feeling and to get closer to I know Yes.

Kevin Anthony 34:18
All right. Which one are we on now?

Céline Remy 34:20
We are at number 10. Now,

Kevin Anthony 34:22
guys, yes. Number 10. Well, number 10 is to relax, which is very similar to reducing stress but not necessarily. You don’t necessarily have to be stressed you can literally just be busy, like too busy always doing stuff right? And therefore taking time to relax can get you back into your body and if you get back into your body, you can start to feel things again. If you feel things you might just have an orgasm.

Céline Remy 34:50
And I love the relaxed part is like you know, everybody knows they have better sex on vacation, right? Why? Because you are less stressed. You are more relaxed. You don’t have to-do list ad, you more present and not

Kevin Anthony 35:03
worried about ejaculating all over the room. sheets, the walls, whatever

Céline Remy 35:12
jack laid on the walls or the curtains, it’s disgusting. I’m sorry,

Kevin Anthony 35:17
where they take the black light into like hotel rooms and you’re like, Oh, my God is coming everywhere? I don’t know,

Céline Remy 35:27
I don’t know. And I know they need to watch those things better. Number 11 know what you want and tell your partner again, your partner is not a Jedi mind reader, you can’t expect your partner to know what you want. But you have to tell them and things will vary.

Kevin Anthony 35:44
Yeah, this is huge. And this comes back to what did you learn from your experimentation in your masturbation, you figured out what type of touch you like, what part of your anatomy needs to be touched, and for how long and all that you figured that outright? Now you need to tell your partner because if it took you probably 30 years to figure it out, you think they’re gonna figure it?

Kevin Anthony 36:06
They might but it’s probably going to take them a while to write. So especially because, you know, with, if it’s a guy trying to figure out a woman, she’s probably what she needs varies not only in every sex session but in different moments throughout that that one session. So he’s not a mind reader. Tell him exactly what it is you want. Tell him all the secrets that you figured out, trust me it is to your advantage to give him the keys

Céline Remy 36:34
above the way, it works both ways because sometimes women are a little too rough with a man’s genitals and he might need a softer touch, or maybe he wants to be held. Or maybe he wants a little bit firmer grip. And it’s important, like don’t think that it’s just like this up and down motion. That’s all the guy wants.

Kevin Anthony 36:53
That you know, that’s true, cuz because, you know, sometimes when you see women handling men’s penises and porn movies, you’re like, Damn, you’re gonna need a week to recover after that, like, this is actually not really enjoyable. It’s not for me, I mean, sometimes a little bit of vigorous is really good, but you watch what they do and some porn movies and you’re like, No, no, thanks. Keep that kung fu grip away from my penis.

Céline Remy 37:19
Number 12. I have adequate stimulation. So one of the benefits of knowing with your solo practice what you like what you need is also knowing like, okay, there’s needs to be enough stimulation. So let’s just talk about that for a few seconds. If you have a vibrator, then you’re very familiar that you need a constant amount of pressure to get to that orgasm, then you can find ways to duplicate it. If you can’t, if it’s not,

Kevin Anthony 37:46
like easy to have Robo tongue.

Céline Remy 37:49
Exactly. Use your vibrator during lovemaking like whatever is needed. But give yourself enough stimulation. That also means give yourself enough time, as we talked about earlier, like you while it’s fun to come in three minutes, it’s really not the norm. And it’s normal to take much longer. I think one of the biggest issues for women is we don’t give ourselves enough time to get there.

Céline Remy 38:13
Then our head starts to get in the way and be like, What’s wrong, I’m taking so long, he must be bored and need to come soon, like, Well come on. The more you do that, the less you’re going to get there, right. So it’s important to just be able to give yourself that time, give yourself the right stimulation if you need to stimulate to clitoral is to have an orgasm just stimulate your clitoris to have an orgasm, you know, like do what works.

Céline Remy 38:41
There are ways to use that clitoris as a fire stoker to start to create new neural pathways so that other body parts can start to feel orgasmic pleasure to and that’s things that I can help you with. So you can always work with me.

Kevin Anthony 38:55
Yeah. And that leads us straight to the next one, which is don’t focus on the destination. So take the pressure off. The problem is when people start to have problems orgasming then the next time they have sex, the first thing that comes into mind, so I hope I can do it. I hope I can do it. I got to make this happen. Oh, it hasn’t happened in so long.

Kevin Anthony 39:13
What if it doesn’t happen, or if it takes too long to happen, or right in the mind starts going crazy like that. So if you can literally just take that pressure off by saying, you know what, it doesn’t matter if it happens at all or not. And that was kind of a big thing with you and oral sex to is like, for a period of your life. You were like I don’t really orgasm during oral sex.

Kevin Anthony 39:37
So you know, if the man was going down on you, and it was taking too long, you start to get in your head about it and stuff like that. And, you know, so we just took that off the table and said, well, it doesn’t matter if you do or not. And don’t worry about how long I’ll go for as long as I feel like going and now. You orgasm every time.

Céline Remy 39:57
That’s a true, true story. True story. All right. Number 14 is a huge one to train your pelvic floor muscles, we did a huge show on how to do Kegels properly and your pelvic floor muscles. So we listened to that show if you want to learn more, but what is an orgasm, but rhythmical contractions of your pelvic floor muscles. And so if you want to feel more sensations, if you ever want to have stronger orgasms, you need to have stronger muscle tones, you don’t want to have your muscles to be too tight, or to be to lose if that’s the term you want them.

Kevin Anthony 40:32
Weak.

Céline Remy 40:33
thank you, you want them to be toned, and training your pelvic floor muscles can help you one of the things that I do see is that people don’t train their muscles properly, they do Kegels they don’t do properly they and then they become hypertonic. So the meaning they hold chronic tension and that chronic tension gets in the way.

Kevin Anthony 40:51
Hmm. All right, the last one on our list. So, you know, we started off with the list talking about how if you have underlying health conditions, or physical things, or you know, antidepressants, or the problem or whatever to work with your doctor, Okay, awesome, then we gave you a whole bunch of things that you can do on your own.

Kevin Anthony 41:10
The very last thing on the list is, if you still need help and support to seek the help of professionals, that would be people like us, who can help you work through a lot of those things, and all those other things in between the medical doctor and where we are now all those other things on the list, we can help you with all of those we can, you know, we’re just kind of giving you an idea of what those things are. But we can really work in depth with you to help you really realize those things.

Céline Remy 41:43
And we want to leave you with our last message that remembers when it comes to lovemaking. It’s about coming with your heart, not just with your genitals, and it changes everything if that’s the approach you take in the bedroom.

Kevin Anthony 41:56
Oh, yeah, that that is actually huge. I need my boom sound effect. Boom, bah. Right? I mean, yeah, you got physical stuff in the body, for sure you’ve got mental stuff. But really, I mean, if you really want to have the pinnacle of orgasm, your heart has to be in it. For sure.

Céline Remy 42:22
And if you focus on the heart, the physical stuff doesn’t matter the same, because if the physical stuff is not there, you can have heart orgasms, you can have heart connection, intimacy, and all of that, which is truly what we seek. Ultimately, yeah, we want to have a physical orgasm.

Céline Remy 42:40
But what we want is that feeling of connection with another being that feeling of dissolving into something that’s bigger than us that feeling of forgetting for a second that we are this unlimited being in this limited body, we want to become limitless and dissolve into everything that is while the heart is the pathway. And really Yes,

Kevin Anthony 43:04
absolutely. All right. Well, there you go. We covered a lot of ground in this episode. We hope that that was helpful. If you need more help. As always, please reach out to us. And that’s all the time we have for this episode. So we will see you next week. We hope you like this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your

Céline Remy 43:32
friends. And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 43:47
Thanks for listening

Céline Remy 43:48
and remember you are amazing