How To Stop Obsessing Over Your Ex

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. We

Céline Remy 0:20
are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Tess Brigham 0:27
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 153. And it’s titled How to stop obsessing over your ex with tests, Bryggen. So this, this is gonna be an interesting one, I, maybe some of my exes will disagree. I don’t think I have ever obsessed over my exes. Although I definitely had an ex or to obsess over me.

Kevin Anthony 0:53
And I can say, we know a lot of people that obsess over their access like this is not something that only happens every once in a while, we have counseled many a friend on this and not to mention client as well. So I think that there’s a huge need to understand how you can stop doing this, maybe some more positive behaviors that you could engage in.

Kevin Anthony 1:22
And we’re gonna dive deep into that. And, you know, I was always, that, of course, I always suggest that our listeners kind of stick around and listen to the whole thing. But you know, even if you’re in a relationship, now you’re thinking like, whatever, like I’m in a relationship, you might still learn something, because there’s gonna be some, some talk about behaviors that aren’t just for when you break up. Maybe some things that you want to incorporate into your daily routine,

Céline Remy 1:48
absolutely, like emotional intelligence and attachment styles. And so we will cover all of that. You know, when you mentioned that I don’t think I’ve ever obsessed over an ex Iver. But I had one person that I felt really heartbroken. But I didn’t like to go crazy because I never wanted to be that woman. I did my own, like healing on myself, like I was doing my crying and stuff at my own bedside like alike, stopped him or anything. And it was kind of before social media, you know. So it’s not that I had an opportunity to track what he was doing. So that probably helped too.

Kevin Anthony 2:24
We’re gonna get into that today.

Céline Remy 2:26
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Céline Remy 2:49
Our guest today is dubbed as a millennial therapist by CNBC, that’s brim specializes in helping millennials discover the unique life path, she offers individuals concrete tools and skills on navigating obstacles in their lives when feeling lost. This is a vital resource for those who may be feeling stuck, uninspired, or uncertain about where they are in their life. She brings her experience within the worlds of psychotherapy and coaching together to work with younger adults on relationships, mental health, and career development.

Céline Remy 3:25
Welcome test to the love lab podcast. Thank you so much for having me. How are you? We are good. And how on earth did you become an expert in this subject? dubbed the millennial therapist? I mean, obviously, you probably don’t just work with the millennials, and it will apply to everyone. But how did you become an expert in the subject?

Tess Brigham 3:47
Well, I say that millennials found me. So, about 10 years ago, I opened a practice in downtown San Francisco. And I didn’t quite know who would show up at that time. And it was young adults, mainly 25-26 27-year-olds. You know, now Millennials are getting older. But at that time, I was like, Oh, these are these millennials I had heard so much about and I realized like, Oh, wait, you’re not entitled, you’re not lazy. You’re not you know, you all don’t think you’re a special snowflake.

Tess Brigham 4:21
That’s not really what’s going on here. There was a real disconnect between you know, what it was like to be a young person at that time, and what it’s like to be on the person now. And what the advice, the help the guidance, the support, we were giving young people it felt very much stuck in a world that didn’t take into account social media or the internet or what it’s like to grow up with all of these things. So that’s when I really started studying young adults, millennials, this generation, how all of these things like the internet and the ability to gather information really quickly.

Tess Brigham 5:00
Social media, how impacts young people, and how they see the world. And that’s how it all kind of started from there. You know, that’s what CNBC decided to call me. But yeah, I mean, I primarily work with young people trying to figure out who they are, what they want, what life’s all about trying to figure out their true self, their true you, and trying to navigate this time of your life.

Tess Brigham 5:24
So that really brings us perfectly into the next question, because you’re really talking about figuring out millennials, and you know, what they want in life and all that. And the next question that we had was, whether or not you see a difference between the generations and how they handle breakups.

Kevin Anthony 5:38
So since we’re primarily talking in this episode, about how to not obsess over your ex, or basically how to how to properly handle a transition or a breakup in a relationship. So since you’ve been studying and working with this particular generation, for so long, do you see differences between them and other generations?

Tess Brigham 5:59
Yeah, definitely. I see a lot of differences, I think, I mean, I think at the core, right, we slap labels on things. And at the core, we’re all human, and that, you know, breakups and are incredibly difficult. And we talked earlier, we’re talking about obsession, and obsessing, but I do think that there is no, it’s hard if there is a fine line between obsession and, you know, healthy heartbreak and what that looks like. But yes, at the core, we all struggle with heartbreak.

Tess Brigham 6:29
And you know, in the same way, it affects the same parts of our brains, it affects us in the same manners, I think what’s so different about these younger generations is, is that social media makes it really easy to stay attached to an ex, or stay attached to someone that you had, what they call a situation ship, right? Whether it’s friends with benefits, or if it’s, like, we hung out a few times, or we dated for a little while, but we were never official, those kinds of things that I always talk about.

Tess Brigham 7:04
like when I was young when I was in my 20s. It was like if you don’t see anyone, it basically means like, you know, you just don’t, you don’t see them, you’d have to drive by their house or quitting work, or you have to, you know, really become obsessive to figure out what they’re doing and what’s going on. I think today, it is so easy to just keep following your ex, you don’t really have to follow them. I mean, all you have to do is kind of just go on there, you know, Insta stories or, you know, go on their feed and start.

Tess Brigham 7:35
And very, I think that what becomes very innocent for some people becomes you know, your two or three hours in and you realize that you’ve deep dived into every single post that they’ve had, and what each trying to analyze what each word means. And I think that part is really hard is at your fingertips, these phones that we have to allow us to sort of get stuck and stay in the past in a particular relationship with someone.

Tess Brigham 8:02
So do you usually recommend then when someone’s going through a transition that they either unfriend the person or like, separate digitally as well as physically? I mean, is that Oh, yeah, they should do?

Tess Brigham 8:16
Yo, yeah, yeah, big time, that’s a big part of it, I definitely think if you’re broken up with someone that you, you need to at least, you know, mute them doesn’t mean that you can’t go back and see it. I mean, you could very easily go back around and see it, but I think that’s a part of the process is, you know, unfriending them muting them and, and not, you know, when you’re in those low points not go to, I’m going to get back on Instagram and start to search for them again and try to figure out what’s going on in their life.

Kevin Anthony 8:49
So here’s another follow-up question to that which is, so if you recommend that declines, how many of them actually do it?

Tess Brigham 8:58
Um, I think that it is like any other habit it is you sort of say, Yes, I’m gonna do it and go do it, and you purge. And then a week or two later, you’re in a low spot, or and I have a hard time and you go back, and they might go back to do it. So for the most part, when I’ve given that those tips, yes, people do it. Have they been able to maintain it? Not always. I think it’s really hard.

Tess Brigham 9:26
And I think it’s part of the process, right? It’s part of this process of breaking up and I think that there is a correlation between, right if you’ve been dating someone for years and years, it is really hard to like, Okay, that’s it. I’ve unfriended them now. Moving on. So no, no one has ever done it perfectly. But I the people that I’ve seen that have been most successful and being able to move forward have done those things.

Céline Remy 9:53
So you mentioned something about the things that happen in your brain when you break up you mentioned it earlier. And I’m curious, like, what happens? Is there a pattern we tend to go for? Is it kind of like grief? Where there’s like seven steps that you go through? Have you found that with transition or a breakup, people tend to go through things? And are there specific patterns to look for are behaviors that can happen or brain chemistry that’s being released that we need to watch for?

Tess Brigham 10:25
Yeah, I mean, I think you know, when we first meet someone awesome, and we fall in love, right, we get it’s a drug, we get a big hit of dopamine in our brains. And that’s the same, that’s what’s in narcotics. This is what right and like, this is, what people why people love, love, and chase love. And certainly, when we’re the relationships ended, right, all of that good, dopamine is been taken away. And it’s hard, you know, you so it’s very easy for people to want to get like these little hits of dopamine and, and their serotonin and all of that, because, you know, there, that’s that sadness.

Tess Brigham 11:04
But yes, any, any transition that we go to go through, there is a grieving process. And I know that a lot of people feel like we compare the actual death of a loved one to like a divorce, and that kind of loss. And I know that people who have actually, you know, lost a loved one, they feel like, you know, a divorce isn’t a death. But you know, a divorce is in any kind of breakup is a type of loss.

Tess Brigham 11:34
And while it is maybe the grief is maybe not as strong as the actual death of a loved one, you do experience these stages of grief, which are, you know, denial, and then anger and then bargaining or like, you know, sadness, and then acceptance. And those are the five major stages of grief. And what I always tell people is, whether you’re grieving for someone who’s that you’ve broken up with, or a loss, they never go perfectly in these five stages.

Tess Brigham 12:07
You never go right, from denial to anger into bargaining. It’s like, you people seem to think like, Okay, what stage Am I in? It’s, you go from anger to sadness, back to anger, sadness, bargaining back to Oh, I’ve accepted it. No, I’m angry again. No, I’m sad, I guess, right? Like, people, people, it isn’t this linear line. It’s all of these feelings that we feel, and that it’s okay. And there’s time, certainly with anything with a breakup where you’ll have two or three, four days, weeks, where you’re great.

Tess Brigham 12:38
And then all of a sudden, boom, something hits you and you feel like, oh, what’s wrong with me? Why am I you know, it’s like, there’s nothing wrong with you, there’s nothing, it doesn’t mean that you can’t move on? It’s just, it’s sad when something that was really, that was nice, that gave you all that good. Dopamine is gone. It really is. And I think that we tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves for things to be very black and white, like, I’m in love with you, or I’m not in love with you, or I, you know, we’re together, we’re not together.

Tess Brigham 13:08
And it’s like, you know, things aren’t that simple. And that any relationship that we’re in whether it lasted a few days, or you know, years and years is significant. So part of it is not being so tough on ourselves about how we process these feelings.

Tess Brigham 13:28
Yeah, absolutely. And that leads me perfectly to the next question, which is, what’s the number one mistake that people make when they’re trying to get over their eggs?

Tess Brigham 13:40
Um, I think the biggest mistake is they stay and I know what’s hard, which is they get very caught up in all of the good, right, there was a reason why it didn’t work. There was a reason why it wasn’t working. And even if you really, really liked the person, and you only saw great things about them, like you didn’t think, because it was a very early in a relationship and you guys broke up and you didn’t see there’s nothing wrong with them.

Tess Brigham 14:08
I do think that then it comes back to, you know, you then have to be able to say to yourself, while I may think this perfect person is absolutely perfect, they’re so great in so many ways. They don’t really want to be with me. And so I need to choose someone who wants to be with me, you know, I need to be with someone who is going to accept me for me. And while they may seem like a great person, you know, I deserve to be with someone who actually wants to be with me.

Tess Brigham 14:38
And I think that part is really hard for people. We dwell a lot on they were so wonderful and great. There’s something inherently wrong with me, and I’m never gonna be happy again. attitude. Interesting. So, I guess there is a difference right between the person who’s basically being dumped and the one

Céline Remy 15:00
No one makes the decision, right? Because it’s probably easier for the one, I’m imagining that the one who has made the decision already went through the grieving process while in the relationship, because that’s usually how it goes, you’re getting ready to break up with somebody, at least that’s how I’ve done it. And by the time I broke up with the person and pretty much over the person, now, if the other one, comes out of the left-field, it could be very much different. Right? And maybe they have to go through that whole process. But yeah, that’s so there is a difference, right? If you’re the one who called in the breakup, versus if you’re the one who just got surprised by it.

Tess Brigham 15:36
Yes, yes. And I think there is also right the person who is the person who is more attached more in love more whatever like they are, I mean, if, if you were just casually dating someone, and you had a couple of dates, and you’re like, oh, I liked them, they were great, but it’s not really gonna work. And that person really liked you, you know, really was picturing themselves with you, then yeah, there is a huge difference between the two for sure.

Tess Brigham 16:05
But yeah, you’re right, because the person who breaks up has been thinking about this has been mentally preparing for this has some sort of idea versus the person who maybe was be-bopping along and was blindsided, though, I think if you ask anybody, I mean, unless you’re dating, like a complete con person. I mean, I think people know, right, like, this relationship isn’t working things aren’t jelling. There, they’re getting more and more distant. This is what’s happening. I mean, I think that usually once people stop and look back, they realize like, oh, wow, this was moving in a bad direction

Tess Brigham 16:41
here. But a lot of it, I think, is kind of what you talked about earlier, which is what they choose to focus on. In other words, the person that is going through the grieving process, because they were surprised by it and didn’t want to break up. They were focusing on all the good things in the relationship, right. But the person who made the decision to leave the relationship most likely was focusing on all the bad things, the things that weren’t working, right, because that’s what led them to make the decision, to begin with. Yes, yeah. So you most likely, yeah,

Céline Remy 17:08
you mentioned the person who’s more attached. So tell us maybe a little more about the science behind attachment, we’ve made a whole show on attachment style. So we don’t have to go into that. But I know that in our prior call, you were mentioning some juicy pieces of the science of attachment and fit and elements that you wanted to bring in. So maybe to talk to us more about this.

Tess Brigham 17:34
Yeah, I mean, I’m not quite sure. In terms of I mean, you know, there are some people who are very, very well versed in attachment and attachment styles. But I, you know, the for the basics of it is is that, you know, with attachment and attachment theory, there is this belief that we will replay you know, our particular attachment styles with people from birth.

Tess Brigham 18:03
So depending on the kind of parent we have in our relationship with the parent, and what was going on with the parent at the time, when we were young, and also how parents and children connect in general, that we will replay in our personal relationships or romantic relationships, this particular attachment style. And so what’s what I find really fascinating about just this topic when we talk about obsessing about your ex is, is that you know, there is definitely a certain attachment style that seems to happen.

Tess Brigham 18:38
What happens when people are people that there is one person that’s obsessed, which is this anxious and avoidant attachment, which I’m sure you guys talked about. And you’re right, and think this is what I see a lot of is that the person who’s obsessed is the actual anxious attachment. And the person who they’re obsessing after is avoidant. And it doesn’t just because you’re anxious in one relationship doesn’t mean that you’re anxious across the board. I think that’s one thing just for people to understand is, is that certain people bring out certain attachment styles.

Tess Brigham 19:15
So if you meet someone who’s, you know, got a very secure attachment, you can become a securely attached person. But what I’ve seen over the years is you get this sort of classic avoidant type of person who is just like their name says, avoidant, avoidant in the sense of you don’t really know like, the avoidant attachment is someone who, you know, will say they’re going to call on a Tuesday and then you don’t hear from them till Wednesday morning with an excuse, right?

Tess Brigham 19:46
They then show up for the date on Thursday, but then, you know, canceled last minute on the date on Saturday like, so what’s happening for the other person is they’re constantly unsure of what’s it going to be like, are they You’re gonna show up and they’re not going to show up. If I text you will you text me back? Right? That avoidant person is constantly giving you a little bit and then pulling back giving you a little bit and pulling back.

Tess Brigham 20:12
And I think what happens a lot of times is for the anxious person is that they start to think that that avoidant person is like, the avoidant person has made themselves so interesting. So kind of, you know, they’re interesting, and they’re difficult to figure out. And it’s a bit of a mystery. And suddenly, when they do text you when they say they’re going to text you, you know, that becomes this validation of, Oh, I am liked, I am special, you know, what I’m doing is right. And then when they avoid you, again, in some way, shape, or form, again, you’re back to, oh, I did something wrong.

Tess Brigham 20:50
So this is something I need to change. And what I see a lot of times is people who become incredibly attached to what the avoided person is doing. And they’re thinking that it’s love. They’re thinking that this is, you know, this is what love is love is complicated and difficult. And I never know when to what to expect from you. And, and I think that what happens along the way is that people start to forget, or they start to, you know, start to, they almost forget, or they just don’t even know, like, Oh, you know, healthy, secure attachment or relationship is the person shows up when they say they’re going to show up, do what they’re supposed to do. And they are easy to show they are easy.

Céline Remy 21:37
Yes. the relationship is something I’m big on and we talk about this a lot. Like, people think that relationships are supposed to be hard, hard work, and messy. And I’m like hard work is a new freaking business. It’s not in your relationship, your relationships. Well, I’m not saying you don’t have ups and downs or challenges, but the big part of it should be rewarding, supportive, easy, effortless, filled with joy and love.

Tess Brigham 22:05
So don’t go find your partner Don’t be attracted to somebody because if the mystery can’t figure them out if you can’t figure it out, now, you probably won’t be able to figure him out later. And that’s gonna drive you fucking crazy.

Kevin Anthony 22:21
Yeah, and what’s happening is, is that you’re getting those dopamine hits, right, you’re getting it becomes a drug, it’s like you’re getting a hit of like, who they texted, oh, I’m getting a dopamine hit that feels good. There feels there’s that piece of it. And then, you know, they’re withdrawing, withdrawing, withdrawing, and then they come back along. And Oh, that feels really good.

Tess Brigham 22:43
And so that’s the piece that I think is really important for people to understand is that don’t, you know, really look at the person and their behaviors, you know, do their words match their actions? How do you feel when you are with them? Not? It’s not about how you feel when they text you out of the blue? It’s about how do you feel about yourself and how this person treats you. Because any time that I’ve had a client in this particular situation, when we really break it down to Are you happy?

Tess Brigham 23:17
Are you satisfied? You know, is this making you feel good about yourself, they always come back to No, none of it feels good. None of its fun. Not one of them. But there is always this that the avoidant person that you know, the avoidant attachment person really has a hold on the other person because they’ve developed this cycle that is so hard to break.

Céline Remy 23:41
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Céline Remy 24:02
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Tess Brigham 24:36
All right, well, we are having a great discussion and we still have a bunch of questions. I don’t know that we’re gonna be able to squeeze them all in. But there are definitely a couple of things that we wanted to touch on. So you mentioned earlier, more back towards the beginning of the podcast. You mentioned the word situation ships. And so we wanted to kind of talk about that a little bit. Our question was, you knew talk about relationships not really being relationships and more situation ships. So can you explain to listeners what you mean by that?

Kevin Anthony 25:07
Yeah, um, and this is I did not coin this term, this is sort of, like one of these millennial terms that I’ve learned over the years. But basically, it’s any kind of situates, it’s a relationship that you’re in that is undefined. So it is the, you know, you’re never, you’ve never declared yourself as a couple. You’ve never labeled the relationship in any way, shape, or form. And it’s really reserved for these kinds of very casual hookups have, we went on two or three dates?

Tess Brigham 25:41
Maybe we slept together once? Or maybe we hook up here and there when we see each other, but it’s never more than that? Or maybe every time I traveled to your state I see. And that’s it. Right? So it’s, it’s, it’s, it is, it’s not a firm relationship, but it is this situation that you’re in, I guess, is the best way of describing it. Because I do think that this idea of people calls like friends with benefits and some of these other things, I do think that people have, I think they do have connections with other people that go beyond, you know, like this idea that you’re just hooking up.

Tess Brigham 26:21
And that’s the extent of the relationship like you are doing things together, you’re talking, you’re laughing, you’re connecting, and sex is a part of it, but you’re never officially dating. And so it is, it’s this weird kind of gray area where there is something there, there is a connection, it’s just that both people don’t want to have a relationship with the other person at this time. One person might the other person might not.

Tess Brigham 26:45
See now I’m feeling old. Because that’s not how I would have defined it. Like God didn’t really know what it was. It’s one of the reasons why we asked you know, so I just think it’s kind of funny, because like, to me when I’m thinking situation ship, I’m thinking, like, one of the things that we see a lot with people that we work with, are couples that have been together for a long time. And they’re not really interacting in an intimate way anymore.

Kevin Anthony 27:09
And I don’t mean just sex, but just you know, your even your day-to-day intimacy, they become more like roommates, right? Where they’re just kind of going through the motions taking care of the kids, you do this, I do that. And that, to me, is what I was thinking maybe a situation ship would be, I had no idea actually, that it’s, it’s because you know, when I was younger, basically you were just in a relationship, or if you were really lucky.

Kevin Anthony 27:32
But I say this if you were not in a relationship, and you were lucky enough to have a friend with benefits at the time, that’s what we would call it like, we didn’t call it anything other than as you’re in a relationship or you’re not basically. So aging yourself, Kevin, I know, I

Céline Remy 27:49
know, you’re not a millennial like me, your

Kevin Anthony 27:52
millennial, but I feel like the first year they decided to call them millennials.

Céline Remy 27:59
Alright, test. So when you describe this to me, I’m thinking, but it’s this is easy. If you’re in no situation ship, and it gets over. I mean, tough. Tough luck. It’s just like, move on. That’s kind of what I’m thinking. So obviously, most people don’t go through that, since they are obsessing and they’re still something happening. So I think maybe this would be a good place to talk a little bit about emotional intelligence about like,

Céline Remy 28:26
Okay, what is it? And like, why you should increase it? Because obviously, in my opinion, if you have a good EQ, then you’re gonna take those situation ship transition much easier than if you don’t?

Kevin Anthony 28:42
Yes, for sure. I mean, I think it’s a combination of things. I think it is EQ, but it’s also to me, I feel like some of it is maturity and life experience. And, and, you know, I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I remember being in my 20s and probably then I don’t know what I would call it but I guess now as I look at it was kind of sorta dating kind of sort of a situation ship, you know, that I remember having and feeling like that it was, you know, significant.

Tess Brigham 29:16
And I think at the time, it was, you know, at the time looking back, I think that my lack of maturity was the thing that was really holding me back from really understanding how to ask for what I need and want and what I deserve. But yeah, I mean, I think that and part of getting older and maturing is you know, developing better EQ around like, how you see yourself how you live your life.

Tess Brigham 29:48
And that is what I mean to me when I think about EQ like the core cornerstone of it is around self-awareness and being aware of not only awareness around yourself, your thoughts, your feet, feelings, your actions, but also, you know how you treat other people and how other people treat you and the boundaries that you set up for yourself.

Tess Brigham 30:11
And, you know, when you have a good awareness of your thoughts and feelings and what you want, you’re able to better understand like, what are my boundaries around what it is that I want and need and how to ask for them. And so I think that’s one of the things about being young, what’s really hard is, is that you kind of go out into the world. And it is really hard, you have to first learn how to become more aware of yourself and ask yourself these questions of what is it that I want? And then, and then figure out like, how do I ask for those things?

Tess Brigham 30:44
And I think that especially I think, for women, you know, we’re really taught, you know, be nice, don’t rock the boat, don’t ask for too much. Don’t demand so much Be quiet, you know, those things while things are changing. It’s that it’s so ingrained in how we were raised and how we see ourselves that I think for especially women, they have a really hard time, like setting boundaries, and asking like, oh, wait for a second, you know.

Tess Brigham 31:11
I want to be in a relationship with someone who actually wants to show up for me, and I need to ask for that. I need to sit and be okay with the fact that this person might say no, and yeah, that sucks. That’s hard. But I also need to, you know, then I need to move forward.

Tess Brigham 31:29
Yeah. And so I like how you make the distinction between the EQ and just simply lack of maturity and experience in life. And the reason why I like that is that people can still have a lot of experience and quote, unquote, maturity, and still not have a very high EQ. We see them all the time. So yeah, so part of it, when, when dealing with younger generations, part of it is they simply haven’t been around long enough.

Kevin Anthony 31:59
They haven’t had enough relationships, they haven’t had enough good role models to teach them how to behave in a relationship. So they simply don’t know how to do it. Yeah, you would expect over time that they would learn enough from each relationship. But that’s not necessarily the case, either, in which case, they also have to work on developing that EQ. So in other words, it’s not a foregone conclusion that just because you’re older, now, you suddenly figured it out and know how to do it.

Kevin Anthony 32:26
Yeah, it is. It’s that piece of how do you take what you learned from the first relationship? How do you look at that become more aware? What worked? What didn’t work? What’s my role in all of this? What’s my part of it? What was there apart? Okay, how, you know, what do I need to do differently? Oh, okay. You know, that’s Yeah, that is, part of that is maturity. And part of it is having high EQ is the willingness and desire to do the work to figure out like, how do I do this differently?

Tess Brigham 32:53
Yeah, you know, I would say, for any buddy young, who’s listening to this, that piece, right, there is huge, right? Because nobody expects you to know everything right from the start, you know, and this is one of the reasons why I think it’s such a good idea for young people to date a bunch of different people, because I don’t mean necessarily at the same time, but, you know, the idea is that you learn from each one of them, you learn more and more, you can learn in a single relationship also.

Kevin Anthony 33:23
So I don’t want to exclude that. But the idea is that nobody expects you to know everything, what we expect is that you can do what you just said, which was have self-awareness, look at both yourself and the relationships you’ve been in and figure out what worked and what didn’t work and then try to do better the next time.

Céline Remy 33:41
So Tess, do you have some tips that you can give our listeners who right now are struggling to get over the ex? Is there anything to help?

Kevin Anthony 33:51
Um, well, I would say, you know, the first step is always and this is what I always recommend to all my clients, which is you know, you have the right to feel whatever you’re feeling you have the right to feel sad, you have the right to feel disappointed that this relationship didn’t work out, you have the right to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling and if you allow yourself to feel sad like I think that one thing that I see a lot of is there’s a lot of this idea of like, oh, we’ll go ahead and dump him you’re a queen, you don’t need this, you know, you’re better off without him, you know, all of those things.

Tess Brigham 34:24
Those things might be true, but you still have the right to feel sad, feel disappointed. So feel your feelings. Always allow yourself to feel your feelings. And as I talked about earlier, grief and, and, and transitions and all of those things, absolutely. Like, allow yourself to feel all those things and recognize that you know, there really is no such thing as true closure. You’re always going to love that person a little bit. You’re always going to have some feelings for them, even though they’re not going to be in your life day-to-day.

Tess Brigham 34:56
But I would start with that. I think that if you feel like you’re moving in Until that obsession piece of it, I think you need to check yourself a little bit and think back to this idea of dopamine and drugs because, and really think about it, as you know what this person is becoming a bit of a drug for me, and the best way to handle that is to just cut it off completely.

Tess Brigham 35:17
So get off of social media, get off of their social media, you know, don’t, you know, create some safeguards for yourself too, you know, like, announce to your friends and say, I’m not going to get on social media, or I’m not going to get on and follow that person, you know, please keep me accountable, or, you know, have two or three things that you’re going to do as opposed to reaching out to them or, as opposed to getting on social media and following them.

Tess Brigham 35:46
You know, I would, you know, say, Okay, I’m going to journal for five minutes, or I’m going to meditate, or I’m going to go exercise or I’m going to go do all of these things. And then I’ll reassess, and see if I want to do that. Go back and reach out to the person. And then I would really focus on what didn’t, you know, what wasn’t? What wasn’t, you know, see the person as a whole person, which is, it wasn’t all good. It wasn’t all bad. It was good and bad. And over and right now, it’s not going to work. And being able to not get caught up in the Oh my God, we were so perfect.

Tess Brigham 36:21
And oh, it was such this like, really, truly see them as a fully complete person with flaws. And then it always comes back to you being able to once you’ve gotten through the grief, which is, and this is this EQ part, which is what do I learn from it? Like, how do I take what I’ve learned about myself about relationships about, you know, the kinds of people that I’m attracted to and who I’m dating, you know, what do I take from all of this? And what do I learn for myself around?

Tess Brigham 36:50
What is it that I’m really looking for, you know, what is it that I really want? And I and I’ll have my clients like really think you know, and write out that list of who is the person that I want. It’s not like you’re then spending the rest of your life going, Okay, I want to meet, you know, this blond hair, blue, six-foot, you know, adonis, and you walk around like that, but it’s more about really getting crystal clear on you know,

Tess Brigham 37:17
I want someone who makes me laugh every day I want someone who, you know, is, um, you know, who’s intelligent, who can talk about certain things, and getting really clear on what are the values and beliefs like, what are your priorities right now for a relationship so that, when you do meet someone that you are able to say, you know, what, this person is really awesome. And they’re great, but they don’t make me laugh every day. And that’s really important to me, I don’t want to, you know, I want to be with someone who does that.

Tess Brigham 37:42
And as great as they are, I’ve got to kind of like, stop trying to make this relationship work and focus on what will make it work for me because it is it’s part of dating and relationships and all that it is going out and seeing what’s out there. And at the same time, it’s also about learning how to say, Okay, this isn’t right for me. And I’ve got to trust that if I say no to this, something better, you know, something more than aligns with me, will come along.

Tess Brigham 38:10
And I think that part is, it’s also hard when you’re young, too, because there’s a lot of fear around Well, what if, what if I never pick it? You know, what if no one comes along? And I think that, that that does create a lot of concern for people, and it’s easier when you’re married? And on the other side of it to say someone will, but I do I understand that fear around it.

Tess Brigham 38:29
But it’s really about how do you want to spend your days? You know, do you want to spend your days with someone who you kind of sort of liked? Or do you want to spend your days with someone that you really, really like that you enjoy? And that will make you laugh, you know, 20 years? 20 years later?

Tess Brigham 38:44
Yes, absolutely. I love that idea of making the list. That’s actually something that we personally, and I have both done in the past, I had a very detailed list before we met. And even you know, these years later, you know, when something comes up, like a particular trade or something that I appreciate about her, she’ll she’d like me to go, was that on the list. And you know, some of them were on the list. And actually, there’s a whole bunch that wasn’t on that list. But if I ever had to make a new list, they would be now.

Céline Remy 39:17
This was awesome. TAs such great advice there that I recommend listening to again, where can people find more about you? And of course, work with you if they feel like they need that extra accountability and support.

Kevin Anthony 39:31
Yeah, so the best way to find me is to just go to my website test Brigham Comm. You can sign up to talk with me and I am launching. In the next couple months, I’m going to have I’m revamping my website, and I’m going to be launching some courses and products and all of that. So you can just get on my mailing list. I send out a newsletter every week.

Tess Brigham 39:52
It’s Sunday mornings with tests. So it’s a way of like starting your week off right and being able to do that but um, and then I’m also on Instagram tests underscore Brigham and I give a lot of great free information there tips and inspiration and a lot of these tips and tools and tricks and all that kind of stuff. That’s a big part of what I do is I, I love to make it practical for people to be able to implement it into their own lives. So awesome.

Céline Remy 40:21
Thank you for sharing that. And we’ll have of course all the links in the description. Before we go, we have the very last question that we love to ask our guests. does what is your best sexual talent?

Tess Brigham 40:35
Oh my god. I’ve been married like 18 years. Just like I have to think this through. Because I’m trying to think about how I was pre-married if this is gonna discourage people.

Kevin Anthony 40:52
Well, don’t let it discourage you because she must be doing something right. She’s still married.

Tess Brigham 40:58
My husband back here. Oh my gosh, I think um, I have to say that I think that I am.

Kevin Anthony 41:14
I do I think I am a good kisser. I think that I kissed a lot of frogs. I have to go with that one. I know it’s not as adventurous as maybe some other people’s but it’s I do think that after you’ve been married a long time, this is something that a lot of people stop doing is you stop kissing your partner, you stop doing the kiss Hello, kiss goodbye, especially now with pandemic like, you know, you never leave.

Tess Brigham 41:42
So and I do I think this is really important and something that my husband and I do try to do and there’s science behind the six-second kiss that it creates it releases that oxytocin, you know, all that good stuff in your body. But I do I think that that is a big part of keeping things interesting and having that connection, even when you’ve got kids and dogs and all that other kind of stuff. So I’m gonna call

Céline Remy 42:12
that was awesome. There’s no right or wrong answer. We always love hearing what people came up with. And he gave some great suggestions to our listeners. And as soon as we’re done, we’re gonna kiss again before the show.

Kevin Anthony 42:28
Well, just thank you for coming to the show. That was some great advice. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Appreciate it. All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week. We hope you like this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 42:54
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. Thanks for listening. And remember you are amazing.