How To Make Her Really Want You

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 155. And it’s titled How to Make her really want you with Christopher lovestone ravish meant consent and desires. Okay, we’re gonna, this kind of I think the show is gonna be very deep dive. Although who knows, I could be wrong, buckle up. If you don’t know, Kristopher Lovestone, and of course, we will read his bio and officially introduce him in a minute.

Kevin Anthony 0:56
But he did write a book called conscious COC. And the reason why I’m bringing that up now is that term actually gets thrown around a lot, at least it does in the circles that we travel. We hear the phrase conscious COC all the time. But the question really is, what does that really mean? Okay, and that’s what we’re really going to dive into in this episode. And that’s where those words ravish men consent desires, those all factored into that idea of being a conscious cock. So I think it’s gonna be a fascinating conversation, because I know there’s going to be a lot of synergies here. And we’ll see where it goes.

Céline Remy 1:32
And today’s episode is geared toward the heterosexual men of our audience. But if you’re a woman, you might still gain some valuable information to share with your men. So stay tuned. Before we introduce our guests, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery.

Céline Remy 1:48
So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out our mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections and last longer or increase your sexual skills. There is something for you at power and mastery.com.

Céline Remy 2:09
Today on the show, we have Kristopher Lovestone, he is called the “Einstein of relationships.” Kristopher laughs stone is an ingenious certified sex educator who is breaking new ground in sex education for men and couples.

Céline Remy 2:22
After surviving six divorces during his childhood, he went on to rewrite the rules of the relationship game so that people can actually win through the state of the art communication tools, cutting edge sex and intimacy, education, and innovative relational strategies empower people to exit relationship exhaustion and cultivate the intimacy of their dreams with their partners. Right. Welcome to the show, Chris.

Kristopher Lovestone 2:49
I’m so glad to be here. And I’m so glad to have this conversation about what is conscious cock? It might be a common topic in our circles, but a lot of people are shocked the first time they hear that phrase they’ve never heard it before. Maybe they take a little bit of offense to the word cock. But it’s kind of like, what a waiting cock that’s different. isn’t that a bad word? And then consciousness? Isn’t that a good word? You know? It’s it opens a segue to a conversation, doesn’t it?

Céline Remy 3:15
Yes.

Kevin Anthony 3:17
It is actually an interesting word choice because I think most people, you know if you want to call them the sort of the default world they would use penis most likely your dick or something like that. Then you get into the spiritual circles where it’s all Lingam in one of light, not all of this and, and cock, it’s somewhere in between both of you know, you’ll hear it used in porn.

Kevin Anthony 3:40
maybe but, but other than that, it’s just it’s in this kind of middle zone. People aren’t sure what to do with that word. You know, it’s not spiritual enough, but it’s not. It’s to I don’t know something or other. So yeah, it’s a very interesting choice of words. It’s provocative, and it will definitely make people think,

Kristopher Lovestone 3:56
definitely, and, you know, by having this conversation, we get to reclaim that this liminal ambiguous zone of how do we refer to our genitals? It’s either a derogatory thing. Oh, you’re such a pussy. Oh, he’s such a dick. And those things make me cringe. They make my skin crawl. You know, I know don’t call somebody a post here a dick. It’s really offensive to our genitals which is the source of life you know, you can say that sacred.

Kristopher Lovestone 4:19
But what do we use in common lingo, lingo, medical terminology, phallus, and penis? Oh, please put your penis in me now. I’m so hot. It doesn’t work. let’s reclaim cock. Cock also means rooster. That’s the source of the term. You know, the male chicken has beautiful plumage.

Kristopher Lovestone 4:40
He’s really a strong masculine archetypal energy. He looks after the flock. He’s got a really clear voice and you can hear a rooster crow for a mile away. Those can be really positive qualities if you think about them metaphorically. So I think caulk is a really useful word and I want to de trigger it. Absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 4:59
So my plumage is nicely trimmed. I love that you’re saying that because there has been for years now with the movement that mama Jean is doing, there’s been a big reclamation, and that’s the actually the title of her book of the word pussy. So on the female side, they’re reclaiming that word. And on the male side, we’re reclaiming COC. So that’s awesome.

Céline Remy 5:21
I love it.

Kevin Anthony 5:22
Yeah. Okay, so, enough about that. See, we’re off-script right from the start. Let’s just dive right into the questions, because I think these are gonna have tremendous value, because, okay, great. Let’s reclaim the word. That’s awesome. It’s empowering for men. And there’s so much more to it than just that. So, in the sort of subtitle to this episode, I threw out the words ravish mints, consent, and desires.

Kevin Anthony 5:49
And I think these are going to be some big key pieces to what it means to be a conscious cock. And so the first question dives right in and says, what does the art of ravish mint mean? Because of ravishment, this is another word that probably people have very different ideas of what that means. So, so yeah, just explained to us what that means and how that relates to being a conscious cock.

Kristopher Lovestone 6:11
Okay. Yeah, it’s really good. Thank you for asking what is ravish meant? What is it to ravish? Now, there are different uses of the term. I could say, saline, you look ravishing. Today, we’ve heard that in common use, right, a woman can look ravishing lean means she looks beautiful, stunning, attractive, etc. But then, hundreds of years ago, 1000s of years ago, back in Rome, the source of the word ravishing in Latin, is linked to rape, and theft.

Kristopher Lovestone 6:40
And so literally meant to run off with somebody, woman, and women were property back then, right. So ravish is linked to this term of rape. In common lingo, we can talk about ravish meant being something like a fantasy about being taken forcefully. In common modern world lingo in North American culture. You could call that a rape fantasy, but I’m not gonna go there. I’m not gonna say it’s a rape fantasy, but to be taken with power, and conviction, and confidence to really feel somebody’s desire for you.

Kristopher Lovestone 7:10
But today, a lot of men, heterosexual guys, after hashtag Me too, and 80 years of feminism, feel kind of paralyzed, that their masculinity has been demonized. And they’ve been put into the kind of a box of between a rock and a hard place, they’re damned if they do in the damned if they don’t, so they don’t do anything, they don’t bring their sexual power and desires out and put them on the table a lot of the time, they go into this nice guy syndrome.

Kristopher Lovestone 7:37
So the art of ravishment is about decoding, this minefield of the modern mi two worlds that we live in. And this common fantasy that a lot of women have, where they want to be taken powerfully by somebody that they trust, that they can relax, to really feel his conviction and desire for her. But it’s a minefield in the modern world. And a lot of guys are like, I’m not going to go into those treacherous waters without a map. So this is about creating that roadmap.

Céline Remy 8:06
You know, a lot of women, they want that. And at the same time, they don’t always leave room for the man, they will try to overpower him over and over. And it takes for the guy to really like step in and be like, this is it. This is how we’re going to do that. Because I think women nowadays we’ve been told we can have it all we can be the man and wear the pants, and we don’t need a man.

Céline Remy 8:30
And then it’s like, I can have my vibrator and have my orgasms and have everything. So it’s like, hey, why do I need you for but what I’m seeing is actually a lot of women long for that. And they’re not always giving themselves permission to want that because they’re like, but if I want that it’s going to make me like a 50 housewife. And we fought to get out of all of this.

Céline Remy 8:52
And now that I want a man to what me so badly and I want this power, dynamic, and playfulness and I want to be desired so much. But that does that make me then that less than women, you know. And so I really see from the woman’s perspective how there’s also this issue where there’s this internal conflict within a woman.

Kristopher Lovestone 9:17
Hmm. You know, I was just listening to another sex educator on a podcast. And they said, you know, your vibrator is never gonna cuddle you. Like, it’s a machine, right? So anyway, so like, there’s this term in the kink community called a switch somebody you can switch between being dominant one day and being submissive the next and that you know, we could say that that’s useful in a regular old modern-day relationship.

Kristopher Lovestone 9:41
Some days you want to be in the driver’s seat. But other days you don’t want to be in the driver’s seat. You want to be it’s nice to take turns when you’re making love right is not one of the most beautiful things is taking turns. So yeah, in this world that we have today of so many empowered women with their own financial income and legal rights. that are on par with men in most circles in North America,

Kristopher Lovestone 10:04
it can be hard to downshift into acknowledging that, yeah, I really just want to be taken. But it’s okay. It’s empowering to be able to express our desires. And it’s empowering to be able to play both sides of the coin. It’s empowering for me to be able to be powerful.

Kristopher Lovestone 10:18
Sometimes, it’s empowering for me to be able to relax and just be taken sometimes by my partner. So full-spectrum is amazing to have all the tools in the toolkit available at our disposal, rather than always acting in this one narrow bandwidth of our relationship.

Kevin Anthony 10:34
Yeah, and this is an area so now we’re speaking a little bit more about the women. But this is an area where I see a lot of women struggle today, which is they can be one or the other, but they struggle to be both. So they’re either the submissive feminine, or they’re the hard-ass get shit done businesswoman. And one of the big things we see when coaching couples is that when a couple comes in like that, maybe she’s got the bigger job title, she’s making more money.

Kevin Anthony 11:04
She’s the one doing that when they come home, she can’t turn that off. And she’s stuck in that and she’s barking out orders all day long. And so you know, for, for women, the true art, if we want to call it conscious pussy instead of gorgeous guy, I think the true art for women is learning how to be both and how does fluidly switch back and forth when it’s appropriate. That’s, that’s a bit of an aside.

Céline Remy 11:29
So why would a man want to learn how to ravish his woman then

Kristopher Lovestone 11:34
it’s the number one most common fantasy from a heterosexual woman that I’ve ever heard of. Above threesomes above animal sex above anything else is like being taken forcefully, but in its landscape of trust, where she can really take off the armor that maybe she’s got inside her, her belly, her abdomen, a lot of times, we feel a lot of tension in our belly, we kind of like are restricted, you know, like so there’s armoring that we have down there.

Kristopher Lovestone 12:02
But then like your emotional armor and stuff like that, but to really open up and really relax into the full hell yes, of somebody throwing you up against the wall, for example, and kissing you powerfully and taking your breath away, and just bringing you to the edge of like, Oh my god, this is the most amazing thing ever. Like so many people want that. So many women want that.

Kristopher Lovestone 12:19
And so many guys just don’t know how to get there, because they’re afraid it’s going to cause problems in their relationship, or they’re gonna get called a misogynist or male supremacist or something along those lines.

Kevin Anthony 12:31
So I completely agree with you. I’ll also add that I think the number one fantasy for men is the threesome that he threw out for women, it’s ravaged. But so that’s a compelling reason. And my follow-up question to that is this is what might men see a shift in their relationship if they were able to actually do that?

Kristopher Lovestone 12:54
Well, it’s a redefinition of our version of ourselves. I’ll say, cuz I grew up in nice guy syndrome. And I had to deconstruct myself in order to find my power because I had been trained by all the women in my life that that power was bad. That’s where the jerks come from. That’s where the dicks are air quotes. You know, he’s such a dick, right?

Kristopher Lovestone 13:14
He’s just a chauvinist, he’s just a pig. He’s just a macho guy, machismo, and all that stuff, has been all this programming years, and years and years put on my shoulders that I’d internalized. So how can I bring out my sexual power when I’ve been taught to be the caring, loving, supportive guy all the time. So the real nuggets here, for me have been that my power is wanted and that there is a pathway for me to express that.

Kristopher Lovestone 13:42
So I’m fully expressed instead of only partially expressed, right, I have access to the full range and spectrum of my power from the sensitive, caring, supportive empathic guy all the way to the guy who’s really clear, really confident has a hell of a strong foundation that I’ve built through years of practice with my partner where I can put my desires on the table and take them, right.

Kristopher Lovestone 14:06
But that ability to be fully expressed has made me a better human being a better father, a better partner, a better person in the world of the people I do business with.

Céline Remy 14:14
So what kind of skill with men need to learn in order to do that?

Kristopher Lovestone 14:19
Well, the subtitle for this episode is consent contains the word consent, and that’s my gateway teaching. When I’m going to teach somebody the art of harassment, I’m not teaching them a sexual technique out of the gate. Now, the first thing is you got to understand the landscape of our desires and what we say yes to and what we say no to in our hearts, or in our guts, and then clarity about who’s giving and who’s receiving.

Kristopher Lovestone 14:44
Because if it’s murky, and you’re not sure you’re the one who’s giving or you’re the one who’s receiving or who’s at for, like, it’s really hard to navigate that kind of treacherous minefield. But if you can be very clear upfront about what you want to do, and put that out on a table with your partner and establish some sort of a playground that you both agree on a safe space, a safe playground around the plan,

Kristopher Lovestone 15:07
then you can actually relax into that if you just focus on building trust, by understanding consent, that anything’s possible, you can go into kinky fantasies if you want to, you know, because you’ve built trust, and you’ve got a safe playground. And inevitably, if you continue building trust, then what happens organically is that you both want to expand to the playground to include more things, more activities, or fantasy. So bucket list items,

Céline Remy 15:32
how do you go? And this is literally a question I got from a client of mine. I’m curious to have your take on it, since it’s really, really related to what you’re talking about. But how do you go from like, you’re on the couch, right? You either watching TV or something to basically having hot sex, you know, especially when you’ve been in a relationship for a while or like, or like, how do you translate that face from like,

Céline Remy 15:59
I have all these kinky ideas in my head, but then verbalizing this, you know, it’s like, how do I even tell her I want to try, you know, like, Oh, my gosh, you know, so I’m curious, what’s your take on that? Chris?

Kristopher Lovestone 16:11
I would say that, to do that in one, one. Setting one inning, one scene is probably unrealistic. I would say like, if what that if you’re acknowledging that you have that desire in yourself, then that’s something that’s going to take a little time to manifest in your life, it’s going to take some investment of some communication and, and well, just that communication and investment with your partner over time, it doesn’t just happen like a light switch, he’s not a switch to just be turned on.

Kristopher Lovestone 16:40
But if you learn how to bring up the ideas that you want to do in your life, these sexual bucket list items that you’d like to do with your partner, or an aspect about yourself that you’d like to lean into expressing in your life, and then solicit and elicit from them, how does that land for them?

Kristopher Lovestone 17:00
Is there any part of that, that they’re yes to, and then co-create the conversation about how you create a beautiful experience together and safety, then you know, you do a few of those conversations, or you make that practice in your relationship, to have that kind of conversations regularly.

Kristopher Lovestone 17:17
And then it becomes easy, or easier. And then eventually easy. Where then you can be on the couch, maybe you had a few sex messages, you know, like a senator or a photograph or a poem that was erotic or told that you wanted or she texts you and says, Oh, I forgot my panties today.

Kristopher Lovestone 17:32
So you’ve been thinking about her pussy all day long, you know, like, you learn how to like kindle the fire, even when you’re not together. And then when you’re on the couch, or like the moment you walk in the door that you’ve done the prep work, set the stage, and then like, ah, the fire can take off.

Kevin Anthony 17:46
Yeah, I love that answer. Because that’s exactly how we answer that question too. And, you know, everyone’s wild, I feel like I just have to say this to the audience, which is we don’t choose the guests that come on the show because they agree with us. We choose guests because we think that they have something valuable to share with you the listeners.

Kevin Anthony 18:03
And the reason I bring that up is that when we have somebody on like, I didn’t know, he was gonna answer the question like that I didn’t know he was going to agree with what we teach when we teach constant state of arousal, which if you if you’ve listened to the show, you’ve heard 1000 times. But the reason it’s important to bring that up is that I always want the listeners to know that like, we don’t put ourselves up here, we invented this amazing thing.

Kevin Anthony 18:28
Like, I’m not saying we created all these ideas, I want people to know that these are universal truths and that there are lots of other people out there that are teaching the same thing. And it doesn’t matter if you get it from us, you get it from somebody else. These are universal truths about what it means to be humans in physical bodies and be males and females and how that dynamic works.

Kevin Anthony 18:48
And so I just I want really the audience to get that, like, get that this is how it really works. So yeah, they’re looking for when they ask you a question like that to saline, they’re actually looking for, what’s the quick technique I can do to get her from 0% interested to Yes, ravish me now. And we’re like, that’s not even really possible, right? Hence your answer, which is you got to build it up over time. And then eventually, once you’ve done that, you can go there. Great answer.

Céline Remy 19:20
So I’m curious about who does a man has to become in order to step into his conscious COC?

Kristopher Lovestone 19:30
Well, he’s, he’s just going to be himself but he’s going to allow himself to express parts of himself that maybe have been repressed or suppressed and suppressed in his life so far, or for a while maybe since an experience maybe his lover died maybe he’s a widow widower, you know, who knows but that it’s it’s really bringing out who is his true authentic inner self? Okay, a lot of couples.

Kristopher Lovestone 19:55
The woman will come to me and say, I can’t feel my partner. Where is he? I don’t know where It’s like he’s this wishy-washy in permanent breezy thing. She doesn’t know where he stands. And a lot of you know the cliche thing in movies, she’ll pick a fight. Why did she pick the fight? Because she’s not feeling anything. Because she cuz he’s just yes to everything and endlessly supportive, or maybe he’s on the couch watching television all the time.

Kristopher Lovestone 20:18
But so what I believe is that, that in long term relationship, the woman really wants to know, her man. I’m gonna use it, that common lingo that possessive, you know, who are you not a mask that you’re wearing, not a role that you’re playing our facade that you’re presenting, but really deep down, like, if she’s in long term relationship with you, she probably wants to know who you really are. So, you know, it’s about bringing that out, you know, that’s going to be a different expression for everybody.

Kristopher Lovestone 20:43
There are some people who are non-binary that have penises, their expression is going to be very different things than somebody who’s very macho comes maybe from the Marines and football background. But bring out your honest, authentic, true sexual nature and power, your interest. So it takes being able, to be honest with me as a guy about what are my turn-ons?

Kristopher Lovestone 21:08
What are my fantasies, because so many of us are so shut down that we can’t even acknowledge that we have them in the first place. Maybe religion, Roman Catholicism, or some other religion has like, as told us that just having those fantasies is bad. So we’ve dissociated from them.

Kevin Anthony 21:26
So I have a follow-up question to that one, too. So I love that answer, which is just bringing out who they are and sort of unleashing the repressed parts. But what if a guy goes deep down inside and finds out that he’s really not that guy that wants to step up and ravish? And that’s just not who he is in his nature? I mean, what does a guy like that do?

Kristopher Lovestone 21:51
communicate that information within the context of maybe a script or a protocol, or a safe conversation container, with some support so that they have the best chance of that information being received with empathy, caring, and respect. Because that’s a very sensitive thing to mine that information. If I’m that guy, if I’m that person that you’re talking about.

Kristopher Lovestone 22:14
And I look inside myself, I’m like, Really? I don’t I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to throw you up against the wall. I’m not interested, I did the self-investigation work. And it’s not there for me. Can we talk about other ways that we could get that need fulfilled for you? Maybe I could be a support in that for you. But it’s not me. I don’t want that pressure, can we please take that pressure off my shoulders? It’s making me feel not good enough.

Kristopher Lovestone 22:40
And I don’t want to be not good enough. I want to be loved for who I am. So you know, crafting the container to have a vulnerable conversation like that or multiple conversations to get to the heart of it like that. And then asking a question of like, well, how can we get that need met for you? or How could I support you in getting that need met for yourself? Yeah, that’s,

Kevin Anthony 23:00
that’s great. You know, I mean, I would say that most of the men that we see, generally just need to bring out that part of who they are. But we do occasionally run into some that are just like, wow, that’s just not who I am. So I’m glad you were able to address that. Because I know there are definitely some people out there who are like, that’s just not me.

Kristopher Lovestone 23:19
Okay, I just want to interject, you know, I met a guy last year at the Tantra festival, and he was like that. And he said, how he got into work for him. His relationship with his wife is that one week a year, they built into their relationship that they both had a week off from the relationship and that they both got to go anywhere and do anything in the world that they wanted to do. No questions asked.

Kristopher Lovestone 23:44
So you could call that a hall pass, anybody who’s familiar with like a lifestyle or swinging stuff. You know, Hall passes, where you get to go have sex, or play or flirt or make out or hook up with somebody with the blessing of your partner. Right. So for them, that worked, that gave her the option to go do what she wanted to do for a week, wherever. And she got to feed that part of herself that needed to be fed at least once a year. Anyway, so there are different innovative ways that people can handle these things.

Céline Remy 24:13
But again, it comes down to communication. And I think that’s really the basis of everything. Ability number one is self-awareness, knowing what you want who you are. And number two, it’s speaking it out loud because nobody can read your mind. And you got to ask for what you want and need and then you become creative in finding Win-Win wins for everybody.

Céline Remy 24:35
That’s the new paradigm. That’s not about there’s one winner and one loser is that how can we make this scenario? a win-win for everyone involved?

Kristopher Lovestone 24:44
Yes, everyone wins. That’s fine that way, the sweet spot. Exactly.

Céline Remy 24:49
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Kevin Anthony 25:41
Alright, so let’s dive back into the questions. As I’m looking at them. We’ve kind of covered some of the next few but I want to dive a little deeper. Our next question really was how does consent fit into all this? And I know you mentioned consent, but I think maybe it would be valuable to just have a little bit deeper discussion on consent, like what does that really mean?

Kevin Anthony 26:02
How do we actually get it? Like, you know, it’s a huge conversation today. So I don’t want to take the whole rest of the podcast, but I do want to give people a good solid chunk of consent.

Kristopher Lovestone 26:13
Sure. Thank you for asking. I’m a consent educator. And my like entry-level 101 introduction to consent is as a self-empowerment practice. A lot of guys will hear the word consent typical locker room guys, like sports team guys will hear the word consenting to think oh, feminists, some woman who leads you along, gets you all hot and then leaves you high and dry and won’t have sex with you. Like they think consent is a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing. It’s one of those empowering things you can do in your life is to find inside yourself.

Kristopher Lovestone 26:45
When you’re no to an invitation or a concept or an event or a person and then be able to communicate that no, because a lot of us have just been brought up to say yes to everything. There’s even a spiritual practice of all say yes to everything. Oh, the universe, just says yes to everything.

Kristopher Lovestone 27:04
And I call bullshit. No, no, no, no, no, that self-empowerment is to be able to say no to the things that you don’t want, or the note a note of things that are murky, and you’re not sure about and if you only say yes to the things that you’re authentic, hell yes to, then you actually decision by decision, start building a life that you really love. But a lot of people aren’t in safe spaces.

Kristopher Lovestone 27:27
A lot of people are in relationships that are abusive, traumatic or come from a background of oppression. So this can be absolutely revolutionary, and in some cases, impossible. You know, some people need help, they can’t, it’s not safe for them to say no. So I’m not saying that to do it if if you’re not in a safe place to do it. But if you are in a safe relationship and a safe community, and you can, you can begin to do this when mom offers you that huge scoop full of mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving, and you really don’t want it,

Kristopher Lovestone 27:59
I invite you to actually say no mom and put your hand over your plate and say no, I really don’t want it like you can start small and build up. But if you do this as a, as a practice in your life, your life becomes a more authentic fit for you. And then as you practice it in your relationships with sex, and fantasies, then you start showing your partner who you really are. If you’re both doing it, then you get to be in this relationship of true people in relationship with each other, rather than two puppets or two actors in relationship with each other.

Céline Remy 28:29
So when you were saying the word constant, one of the things that pops into my mind was the space that some guys get stuck in sometimes where they’re like, Can I touch your arm? Can I touch your shoulder? May I touch this, where they take consent to such a level that it’s a massive turnoff?

Céline Remy 28:49
And I kind of wanted to make a distinction because also the way you brought consent was not just about asking about how to touch her but a lot about also asking for what you want, like consent about experiences that you experience that you co-create together. So it’s not just about what you do on another. It’s also how you experience life. I’m curious about, how do you share your desires with her?

Céline Remy 29:16
How do you ask for what you really want if you’ve gotten to that place, and you’re starting to get some clarity, but you might feel that there’s something holding you back or that she might say no or she might not love you anymore? Like what are some maybe you have some first step for our listeners.

Kristopher Lovestone 29:35
Okay, if you want to talk about actual sexual fantasies, and kind of like de triggering that conversation about bringing up things that are raw inside of you, they’re scary. They really bring up that thing that I think is too kinky to bring up you know, what if they judge me negatively and want to leave me because they think I’m a dirty old man.

Kristopher Lovestone 29:53
You know, it’s useful to do something like an exercise or a worksheet literally, like do some homework. It’s it can be really fun. In a yes no maybe worksheet there’s one in the book right there. It’s a list of sexual activities, fantasies, common ones that people might like to do in their life they might not. And you just check, yes, I’d like to do that in my life. No, I wouldn’t. Or maybe I would have certain needs was met.

Kristopher Lovestone 30:12
And if you both do that and share the worksheet, then you can find overlaps, where there might be a certain sexual activity or rhotic activity that you’re both yes to, you’re like, oh, then you have a list, you have a wrote, yeah, you have a list of menu, a menu of sexual activities that you could choose to do on date night this week. So you know, that can help make the conversation easier.

Kristopher Lovestone 30:32
But you also talked about consent and like checking into often, and how checking in too often can be a turn-off, it totally can be a turn-off. That’s where it’s really good to ask a question like, do you want me to check-in at every step of the way? or whenever I feel nervous? Or do you want me to relax into trust that everything we do, we’ve discussed ahead of time, and we’re going to stay within the boundaries of that playground, and not check in with you?

Kristopher Lovestone 30:57
And trust that if I do something, or if something doesn’t feel good to you if I do something that doesn’t feel good to you that you’re going to tell me that’s vulnerable. If you’re telling me I don’t want you to check in all the time. And I’m saying, Okay, well, I’m trusting you that you’re going to speak up for yourself. And if you don’t, then that puts us in a really bad position.

Kristopher Lovestone 31:18
Anyway. So there are two different ways to go about consent right there checking all the time or often, or say, No, I feel safe within the container of what we’ve discussed. Don’t bother checking in, I’ll speak up for myself, you know, so if you’ve got that trust, and you can relax into that.

Kevin Anthony 31:32
Yeah, I’m often amazed when we talk with couples. I mean, sometimes our couples have been together 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, they got two kids, whatever it is. And there’s so much they don’t know about each other. And it just blows my mind. Sometimes it’s like, you didn’t have that conversation. Like the first week, you were dating? Really? Like you don’t even know you’ve been married for 10 years, and you don’t even know what your partner’s sexual fantasies are.

Kevin Anthony 31:59
Like, it’s crazy to me. So yeah, absolutely. You got to have those conversations. And if it takes a worksheet to get you to have that conversation, then do the worksheet. But you should know all of that stuff. You should absolutely know all of that stuff about your significant other.

Céline Remy 32:15
And they’re not set in stone. By the way. I think it’s something we love to readjust. Or every year we visit revisit things too, especially on our anniversary, we’re like, Hey, are you still happy with how our relationship is going? What have you loved this year? Is there something that we’re doing that you would like us to change that, you know, like having this curious mind,

Céline Remy 32:35
we have our weekly dates where we often check-in and that’s also some of the parts where we speak out. We’re like, wow, we really haven’t been having as much sex as we usually do. Like, how can we course correct that you don’t just wait 10 years and then work with us to be like, Oh, we haven’t had sex in 10 years, like, wow, that was a long time to start to speak up.

Kevin Anthony 32:55
It’s a lot to reverse.

Kristopher Lovestone 32:58
Okay, you know, some beloved’s shared with me this concept of engagement, not as a period before your wedding. Most people think, okay, you get engaged, and then we have your wedding. Now you’re married, but you’ve not engaged anymore. And they said, Let’s flip that. Let’s investigate that word engagement.

Kristopher Lovestone 33:17
What if you stay actively engaged for your entire life, you never stop being active it never stopped being an active dance partner with each other. If one person’s changing, because we always change, like, then the other person can adapt, they can lean in, they can lean on, etc. So let’s never let the engagement end. When we get married, that’s staying engaged.

Kevin Anthony 33:37
Yes, that’s awesome. Absolutely. Always in the beginner’s mind. Alright, well, we’ve got a couple more questions, and we’re getting pretty close to the end. So I’m want to just jump right in and see if we can get as many of them answered as possible. Next, is, what’s the number one mistake you see men make?

Kevin Anthony 33:57
That’s a big question. Do you want to narrow that down? Well, so we’re talking about being unconscious caulk, the art of ravishing, consent, desire, that sort of stuff. There’s usually somewhere a common stumbling point that a lot of men like it’s it’s a trap, they fall into a mistake that they make that hinders them from developing this.

Kristopher Lovestone 34:22
Yeah, okay. Sure. Well, you know, I would say honestly, that they don’t learn enough about the menstrual cycle. Hmm, that might not be what you think I might say. But honestly, like, that is a huge stumbling block. Guys don’t learn about it. They’re like, Oh, no, that’s women’s women’s stuff. No, I don’t want to learn about that. I don’t want to learn about pads and tampons and, and hormone cycles.

Kristopher Lovestone 34:43
I don’t want to you know, but then they get like, bewildered when one day she’s like, sad or one day she’s like, emotional or like one day she’s picking a fight like they don’t understand and so like it literally is a huge relationship pitfall for a straight guy in a relationship with The woman who’s in her years of, you know, pre-menopausal between, let’s say 13 and 15, or something like that, to not understand the cycle to not under some guys get a period tracking app, find the date.

Kristopher Lovestone 35:12
when your woman starts to bleed, stick it in the app and start reading the damn pop-ups when they come up on your phone, learn about this stuff, not to be a jerk, but to understand what her biology and physiology are experiencing, then you can be a better ally to her as she’s going through body changes. And now I guarantee as a guy, you want her to be an ally to you as you go through body changes in your life. You know, as I age, maybe I get an injury.

Kristopher Lovestone 35:40
As I go to my body changes. I want her to show up for me if I’m sick one day or one year, you know, whatever it is like we want to be allies to each other. So guys will be like, Oh, yeah, I’m so good in the sack. I know everything about women, but they haven’t learned very much about the menstrual cycle.

Kevin Anthony 35:54
That’s a great answer. You’re right. I was not expecting that answer at all. But it is actually a great one. And yes, I do have that on here. I know everything because she tracks it all there and it syncs with my phone. I can look at it anytime I want.

Kristopher Lovestone 36:09
Oh, I love it. It syncs with your phone. What’s the name of that app, please? Sure. What is it?

Céline Remy 36:14
We use the app called Kindara.

Kristopher Lovestone 36:16
I haven’t tried that one. Okay. Kindara shares it. That’s awesome. Thank you. That’s a real Golden Nugget right there. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 36:22
well, it’s also because she tracks her cycle with their temperature. So she has a Bluetooth thermometer that syncs with her phone, and she can put all the data in there. And then I have the app and I can log in and see all that data right in there.

Kristopher Lovestone 36:34
So Kindara. Right? Yeah, that’s a big share to anybody who’s listening to this. Like, it’s really it can really be an empowering thing for your relationship.

Céline Remy 36:43
Absolutely. I think well, for us, it was easier because I’ve never been on birth control. Like pills and stuff like this, my birth control has been to track my temperature and, and know my body. And so when Kevin and I got together, first he was like, okay, and it was to show him how he could trust the process and the methods. And we had a lot of good discussions.

Céline Remy 37:10
And also it forces you to have those discussions. And I know you talk about that in the conscious talk around the pregnancies and what happens if there’s a scare? How do you protect yourself and understanding to like, oh, maybe we will abstain from sex those threedays because really, you’re not fertile the entire cycles. So it’s fascinating. And I think you’re right when a guy thinks he knows it all about women, but he doesn’t understand that piece.

Céline Remy 37:34
It’s a huge missing piece. But also a lot of women don’t understand themselves. And, and so having a man who’s willing to help you through that, or see the pattern, Kevin was really big at that was like, haven’t you noticed that this comes back about every month around this? And you’re like, Oh, yeah, it kind of is. So now we know.

Céline Remy 37:54
And we’re like, yeah, you know, this is that there are those few days where everything I’m taking really everything personal, you know, or like, these are the few days where I’m in my masculine, I’m gonna get you done. I’m gonna do you, you know what it’s like, you’re

Kevin Anthony 38:08
that’s when to schedule a date for those days. For us, that really was working and still does in both directions. Whereas it makes me more conscious of where you’re at and how you’re feeling. And at the same time, because I’m not in the emotion of and I’m not in the hormonal emotional stew, I can see things a little bit more clearly.

Kevin Anthony 38:30
And then I can point out to you, Hey, have you noticed that and this phase of your cycle every month, here’s a thing that happens? And you’re like, shit, you’re right. So we have it both ways.

Kristopher Lovestone 38:45
Yeah. But it’s a tool to move from being bewildered and caught off guard and constantly dealing with things to be able to be proactive and then work with it in a positive way. It’s, it’s revolutionary. And it’s so simple. Right? So thank you for asking that question.

Céline Remy 39:02
So what advice do you have Kris, for men to get started right now? So if they’ve listened, I mean, you’ve already given them a lot of different things. But is there like a one-step right now, if they want to step into their conscious God, like, what should they do right now?

Kristopher Lovestone 39:18
I would encourage them to ask themselves the question. What did they really enjoy? in their life doesn’t have to be sex. But like, I asked myself, I’ve asked myself, What do I really enjoy? And what am I not doing that I really enjoy in my life? How am I shut down? How am I not following my dreams and my passions and those little things that I always wanted to do in my life, and how have I cut off these beautiful parts of my being?

Kristopher Lovestone 39:43
Because life COVID relationship, finances, stuff like that, and then to allow themselves to accept that that is real inside of them. That’s the first step, acknowledging what is real inside of us and then maybe choosing to go put some foundation stones under that in their life. Me I like to fly. Okay, paragliding hand gliding sailplanes Cessna. You know, I just love flight, you know, but I haven’t done it in a while.

Kristopher Lovestone 40:10
Why am I not feeding this passion of mine? Right? Like if I want to be able to show up in my relationship, she really wants me to be fully realized to be passionate about stuff in life, not just wishy-washy, not doing anything for myself. So step number one is like doing something for yourself, not just doing everything for everybody else, like actually having some passion and being able to tap into it and accept it.

Kevin Anthony 40:32
Yeah, that’s interesting. You bring that up. So you know, I mean, I have a lot of different hobbies, one of which is I’ve been a pretty hardcore rock climber for 20 years. And in the last year and a half, I really haven’t been doing much climbing. When the gyms put their mask mandates in I tried to go and climb with mask mandates, I couldn’t breathe, I was out of breath. I was struggling. I just like I can’t do this. And they closed all the national forests.

Kevin Anthony 40:58
And it just, this stuff was crazy. So I just haven’t climbed mostly since then. So this weekend, we actually were out in the forest, climbing on real rock. And the reason I bring this up is that I was just happy to be out there just doing my thing. And Selena actually commented, she noticed a shift in me, just by being out there. I didn’t notice it and I wasn’t doing anything different. I was just like, I finally went back out climbing and she even said, like, right out there. She’s like, Wow.

Céline Remy 41:27
Well, it was funny because we usually do some checking in at the end of the day. What are you grateful for? What was your favorite thing about the day or the weekend? So since we had a drive in the cars, okay, what was your favorite thing? And then I said, My favorite thing was just to see you out there. You’re just like, fitting so well in there was just amazing to witness him. So yeah, that was pretty cool.

Kevin Anthony 41:49
Yeah. And it’s that idea of, of you know, as a guy when you’re out doing the things that stir passion in you, that’s gonna translate over into your relationship for sure.

Céline Remy 42:02
So we’ve got our very last juicy question. And I love this question. We ask all of our guests tell us what is your best sexual talent?

Kristopher Lovestone 42:14
My best sexual talent, I have 10 of them. I learned I went to I actually grew up and my mother, my grandmother massaged me when I was a child to help me relax when she was putting me to bed. You know, when a little five-year-old you think about relaxing them giving them a little massage and I grew up learning massage as being a receiver.

Kristopher Lovestone 42:36
And then as an adult, I went to massage therapy school and studied for 1000 hours, and practiced for years in private practice. So I really learned how to touch I learned the ability to listen to tissue and have it guide me and have a co-created dance with a body. So as I’ve gone into sex education over the last decade, I’ve brought that to how do you touch a vulva? How do you touch the Yoni How do you touch the G spot?

Kristopher Lovestone 43:08
How do you touch the cervix the a-spot all these different areas like there’s so much you can do with your hands. And I’ve really learned Wow, my hands are amazing. I can do so much with my hands on my hands can go for hours. They don’t come to all these different strokes and rhythms and speeds that I can take breaks and I can escalate and then come back down. I can make entire orchestras with my hands my fingers.

Kevin Anthony 43:31
Well, you know I don’t want to one-up you there, Kristopher. But I’ve got 11 Oh, that’s great, guys. Thank you so much.

Céline Remy 43:44
So this has been a great conversation where can our listeners find more about you? And of course gets you bah, bah, conscious calm. Which if you’re watching the video, we’re showing it here but yes, then our listeners to your favorite places for them to check you out.

Kristopher Lovestone 43:58
I just go to consciouscock.com And then you can find links to the book there because a lot of times I don’t show up in search results because they censor me because they call it adult material. Yeah. Exactly. So it literally blocks me from their search results. And then you can find Christopher lovestone on Facebook and Instagram

Céline Remy 44:21
with a K Kristopher with a K. And we’ll have all of the links in the descriptions below. Awesome.

Kevin Anthony 44:28
Well, thanks for coming on the show Kristopher.

Kristopher Lovestone 44:31
I’m so glad you guys had me on the show. And I’m so glad that you give this show to the world I mean sure your coaching and your teaching and all this stuff. But doing this show gives somebody gives people both entertainment and education all at the same time. And that’s like the most delightful way to help us relax and lighten up about these topics that can be so trigger-prone. So thank you guys both so much for doing your podcast. Oh, you’re

Kevin Anthony 44:52
welcome pleasure. We do love it is one of our favorite things to do. All right, everybody. That’s all the time. We have This episode and we will see you next week. We hope you like this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe, leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 45:15
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 45:29
Thanks for listening

Céline Remy 45:31
and remember you are amazing.