What Does It Mean To Be Kinky?

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy. And we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 125. And it’s titled, what does it mean to be kinky? I’m surprised we haven’t done this episode sooner. Because we had it. We had a situation actually almost like two years ago, I guess now at this point. But we were invited to a quote-unquote, kinky sex party.

Kevin Anthony 0:51
So that you know, the sex party had a theme and the theme was, you know, kink. And when we were invited to it, we kind of both laughed, and we’re like, we’re not kinky, why would we go to a sex party, right? Because we’re like, we’re so not gonna fit in, like, what are we gonna do? Everybody’s doing like weird, kinky.

Kevin Anthony 1:11
Shit, and what are we gonna do? You know, but what that did was it actually sparked a whole conversation about what is kink? Really? like? What does that even really mean? And that’s what we’re going to talk about on today’s show. Because I think there’s a bit of a misconception as to what kink actually is.

Kevin Anthony 1:33
Because I think there’s a lot of people, just regular people who would have the same reaction if they were invited to it. I’m like, kinky, you know, or like, ooh, like, what’s this gonna be all kinds of crazy stuff going on there. And, you know, they might have different expectations of what they think kink means.

Kevin Anthony 1:53
So today, we’re gonna break it down, we’re going to talk about kink, we’re going to talk about BDSM. We’re going to talk about the differences between them and probably even tell a couple of funny stories along the way.

Céline Remy 2:01
We’ll add things about fetishes,

Kevin Anthony 2:03
fetishes,

Céline Remy 2:04
Knowing what you like and so many things. It’s going to be x rated, so be prepared. But before we get started, let’s give a big shout out to our sponsors. You might be familiar with power and mastery by now, especially if you’ve been listening to the podcast. But here’s the thing.

Céline Remy 2:21
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Kevin Anthony 2:48
Yeah, so. So just a couple of quick definitions of what other people say kink is is a good place to start. So according to vocabulary.com, as a general term, kinky can refer to anything that is far out quirky, or offbeat. More specifically, this is a sexual term for acts that are a little odd, such as foot fetish.

Céline Remy 3:12
So another definition to expand is a letter bed is really, if you think about it, a kink is something that’s out of the ordinary for you. And that’s really what sparked the discussion yesterday when we’re talking about kings, and we’re thinking about today’s show.

Céline Remy 3:29
And it is different for anyone because let’s say you’ve been army doing missionary position, that’s all you were taught, that’s all, you know, perhaps doing something different, like a doggy style, or she on top is kinky for you, because it’s out of the ordinary, it’s out of your comfort zone.

Céline Remy 3:52
So basically, kinky is really all in relation to what society expects of you, or from you, and also what you expect of yourself.

Kevin Anthony 4:04
Yeah, so really, like, what is a kink to you? You know, that’s kind of the idea is, is what is it really to you? So in other words, it’s kind of relative, it’s like, what you consider kinky may not be what somebody else considers kinky. Now, I know there are people there’s like a whole kink community, that if you’re part of that, and you’re listening to this, you’re gonna go Oh, no, no, kink means this. It means this specifically like you’ve got your definitions, you’re like, boom, here, this is kink right here.

Kevin Anthony 4:34
That’s fine for you. If that’s, that’s your world, but for the average person, I think it’s more important for them to understand that kink really is relative. It’s like, what is kinky Tim? In fact, in researching this, I saw an article on your Tango on kink. And one of the lines in it said, kink is a state of mind. That’s literally what it said.

Kevin Anthony 4:58
And I really loved the way that wrote that because it really is a state of mind. It’s like, what is it to you? Just like you said, If what you normally do is standard missionary position under the covers with the lights off, it might be really kinky and really pushing your edge to do something different like lights on no covers reverse cowgirl.

Céline Remy 5:19
Yeah, well for somebody else, they laughing because they go to have group sex and play with all kinds of tourists. They look at this and you’re like, wow, that was so vanilla. So again, the only measure that you have to look at is your own self, don’t compare yourself to other people. Those are labels and definitions. They help they also put things into containers, which sometimes hold people back.

Céline Remy 5:48
Some people like Kevin mentioned earlier have appropriated certain terms for themselves. And so, you will find still different ways of saying things, I want to give a quick definition of BDSM because they are often used interchangeably. In reality, BDSM is is is a subset of kink is a general of kink.

Céline Remy 6:13
But really what it stands for the definition is bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism can’t even pronounce that. So it’s the exploration of all these different terms that I just mentioned. And yes, these are considered under the umbrella of kinky, but then there is a certain subgenre of exploring the power dynamic, the bondage discipline, the submission, and the pain aspect.

Kevin Anthony 6:48
Yeah, so it definitely qualifies as a form of King because it’s pretty most of it’s pretty far outside what most people would consider normal. And that’s really, that’s really the idea of cake, right? It’s like, something that’s outside what we would consider normal. We’re not going to spend a lot of time really talking about BDSM because it’s not really the goal of this show. Although maybe, maybe we should do a whole show. Well,

Céline Remy 7:15
we had your neighbors, I can’t care, then you think, well, we had someone who does BDSM and talked a bit about that it was a long, long time ago, you have to go way back in like episode like 14 or something like this, of the love lab podcast. But I think if we were to do BDSM, we need to have somebody who’s really an expert because let’s be really honest, that’s not our thing.

Céline Remy 7:39
We don’t really practice it and don’t have that much experience with it. We have been exposed to it as we’ll share some of our stories because it’s most of the people we hang out with and own terms of the sex-positive community dabble in it and practice it. So we’ve had first hand experience in witnessing things, but it’s definitely not what turns us on. So we can’t talk about it with this whole, like the excitement behind it.

Kevin Anthony 8:06
Well, no, but we could talk about it in terms of what it is. And we do have our own theories about BDSM, some of which have been tested and proven true, some of which have still yet to be proven true. But anyway, that’s probably a whole nother show.

Céline Remy 8:21
So I want to still again, kind of like give a summary of the difference between kink and BDSM before we move on. And being kinky is a mindset like Kevin mentioned earlier, and you basically enjoy going against what society expects of you. And remember that it’s different for everyone. It really is an umbrella, while BDSM is a subset of kink.

Céline Remy 8:46
So I’d love to explore a few different examples of what can commence because if you’re like us when you’re invited to a kink party, you may not but if you’re thinking I’m making tea, or am I not kinky, like what qualifies as kinky.

Céline Remy 9:00
We were having fun thinking about all the many ways and this is by no way an exhaustive list of all the different scenarios because that could be the entire show if we were to go through that, but we’re just playing with like throwing some ideas about what being kinky means?

Kevin Anthony 9:16
Yeah, yeah. And you can create a very long list. This was just kind of a random sampling of things that some people would consider kinky. Mm-hmm. So starting with on the very tame side, it could literally be turning the light on.

Céline Remy 9:31
Mm-hmm.

Kevin Anthony 9:32
What’s so funny about that, too, is that you know, for me, at least, and I know for you having sex with the lender is a completely normal thing, and has been pretty much our entire lives. But we do know because we work with a lot of people in this area. We know that that’s not actually true for everybody that there are a lot of people that sex happens when the lights go out.

Céline Remy 9:57
Absolutely, or Well, they also do expose himself fully. So being kinky could be showing off your entire body, you know, not being under the cover, or not hiding underneath a big t-shirt and you just pull things up a little bit, you know, so

Kevin Anthony 10:11
that could be one thing also maybe dressing up in some sort of costume or special outfit or something like that. Yeah, that could be considered kinky. You know, it might be a huge stretch for some women to put on sexy lingerie and crotchless panties or something.

Céline Remy 10:28
Yeah, well, a thong or wear leather or something or wear a particular color that they usually don’t wear. It’s black, red or anything in between. Being gay could be anything related to your sexual possessions like things like doggy style, you know, because maybe it’s more of an animal or maybe that’s not what you do, or anything where you start to explore different body parts right to where you can explore in or like all the holes. There’s no such thing as a wrong hole. That’s

Kevin Anthony 10:59
Yeah, that’s that is one of my

Céline Remy 11:07
massive kinky shit for some here because it’s a big taboo, especially when it comes to animals. That’s, that’s a big no, no for many people. So if you ever start to dabble in it and experiment with it, that could qualify as big time. kinky.

Kevin Anthony 11:24
Yeah, absolutely. Oh, oral sex. It’s another one that we had on the list for some people that could be considered pretty far outside the box. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 11:35
Yeah. Or let’s play like with having sex in public or in front of other people. That’s, you know, doing

Kevin Anthony 11:42
now we’re definitely getting into a lot of people would consider kinky. Sex in front of other people is usually a big stretch for a lot of people.

Céline Remy 11:52
You know, it’s not that it’s actually super easy. I was very surprised the first time I was exposed to having sex in front of other people. It felt supernatural. Like, I was basically with my partner at the time, and we had friends visiting, and they were a couple too. He suggested like, Hey, we should just be able to have the opportunity to make love around the house. It was our home, you know?

Céline Remy 12:18
So we’re like, Okay, fine. And so they were always making love with the door open, and it was kind of cool. Then one day, we were making love in the living room, and they like coming and having their coffee, and I thought it was highly liberating. I was very young, I think I was like, 23 when that happens. So what I realized then is, there are things that sometimes we think as taboo or so edgy, that really feel natural and fun.

Kevin Anthony 12:47
See you are kinky from day one. I know people in the kink world are going God these two are so lame.

Céline Remy 13:01
Well, playing with toys can be another very kinky thing. And whatever you play with a dildo, especially bringing it with a partner can be really edgy. Or toys, like any type of toys like handcuffs, whips, and vloggers and vibrators.

Kevin Anthony 13:19
Yeah. Yeah, all kinds of stuff. I would say that for the average person. This is where they start to get into the realm of kinky when they start bringing in toys and doing things that are definitely different than what they were taught when they were younger. So yeah, I think that’s where we start to enter into the kinky realm there. And then, you know, I think we already we said sex in public, but then there’s also group sex.

Céline Remy 13:50
having sex with more than one person kind of at the same time, or like one after another?

Kevin Anthony 13:55
Mm-hmm. Yeah, that’s, that’s starting to get into the advanced levels again.

Céline Remy 14:02
But as you can see, there are many ways of being kinky and again, it’s about for you, what, what stimulates you. What’s important to remember when it comes to turn-ons? is there’s a saying that goes like don’t yuck someone’s turn on, you know, someone’s yum and so if you enjoy something, it’s about acceptance, acceptance, that it’s your turn on, and acceptance that it might be different than somebody else?

Céline Remy 14:30
And the biggest problem that I see with people is number one, they fight what they like and what they what turns them on. Because they’re thinking they’re so unusual, so weird, so different that no one will ever like them. Should they know what they like?

Céline Remy 14:47
And then they beat themselves up for liking this and then they don’t find our people who like what they like and so then they try to like be in relationships with people who are not into the same kind of things which reinforces the whole guilt aspect or shame aspect of the kink. So you’ve got to find people who love what you love, and who can share with you these adventures.

Kevin Anthony 15:18
That’s really the point of today’s episode is to D stigmatize the word kink, Mm-hmm. To give people permission to explore, and not be afraid, like, oh, if I do that, that’s gonna be kinky, or, oh, maybe that’s a little too weird or little to outside the box, right? So the idea is that, don’t be afraid of the word kink.

Kevin Anthony 15:45
Don’t be afraid to explore and see what you like and what you don’t like. And your idea of kink might be simple, let’s keep the lights on and your idea of kink might be let’s go to a sex party and have group sex with 50 people. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 15:59
Actually, right now, what would be awesome is for you to grab a pen and paper and write down a few things, or at least do this at the end of this show? What are some of the elements that turn you on? You can look at different aspects like emotional components of it. And, you know, is it something with a power dynamic? Is it something about being utterly loved? Is it something about having fear, or having anxiety, like, everybody has different emotions that will arouse them?

Céline Remy 16:32
So get clear on that get clear on different scenarios. And if you don’t know, like, think about it in your head and be like, Oh, this could be exciting. Now, there’s also a difference between the things that are happening in your head and the things you truly want to have happened in real life.

Céline Remy 16:49
And that’s a really good exploration to realize that just because you fantasize about being gang-raped, does not mean this is something you want to have happened in your life. But don’t judge yourself for wanting to have that experience. Because really underneath the gang rape for most women, what that really means is they want to be fucked to oblivion, they want to be in a place of total submission, where they lose control and have no power and that’s what the turn-on is about.

Céline Remy 17:23
So if you understand that the thing underneath you may still enjoy as a fantasy that gang rape but then you can play in your life in exploring how can you find situations that could create this result of you being totally in your submission? Or totally surrendering or letting go?

Kevin Anthony 17:46
Yeah.

Céline Remy 17:49
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Céline Remy 18:11
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Kevin Anthony 19:13
Okay, so another question that comes up when talking about kink is what is a fetish. The same thing is a kink or fetish kind of the same idea with BDSM. You hear these terms are thrown around and they kind of get mixed up or sometimes used interchangeably.

Kevin Anthony 19:32
Now I know people who are into the fetish world in the kink world in the BDSM world they’re like, no, they’re all completely different. We don’t interchange them. We don’t mix them up. And this is very clear. There are definitions of everything. I get it and people who are not into those worlds don’t quite understand the difference between all those things. So we’re going to help clear that up.

Céline Remy 19:56
So fetishize sexual excitement in response to an object Or a body part that is not typically sexual, such as shoes or feet or any Tory’s of material that you’re not thinking of a sexual. And they actually are more common in men, interestingly enough, and I’d be interested in researching this more and getting more data as to why. But I don’t know yet. Is it because men tend to explore sexuality sooner than women?

Céline Remy 20:27
And then in doing so they set up early sexual experiences that then will trigger certain responses and fetishes, or is it because they’ve been shamed? being caught masturbating with something and then they have to do it a certain way and maybe find a nonsexual object to get to that sexual excitement? I don’t know. Speculation at this point.

Kevin Anthony 20:49
Yeah, honestly, I have no idea. all I can really say is that I’ve seen the realm the expanse of different fetishes is gigantic, like gigantic, like if you can think of it, somebody has a fetish for it.

Céline Remy 21:08
That’s true.

Kevin Anthony 21:11
I can’t really explain it. But I can just observe that it’s there. And I can talk about it and help people understand it.

Céline Remy 21:20
So I had a great story here to illustrate the points. Because a lot of people wonder, Is it okay to have a fetish because sometimes it might sound weird, you might be judging yourself. So a few years back, I had a man reach out to me because he was turned down by rubber floaties. You know, these things that you put around your arms when you learn to swim. He was a wealthy man.

Céline Remy 21:43
And so he was able to have people who created floaties especially for him in particular colors that he liked, and he would use some for masturbation or get turned down. And when he reached out to me, number one, it was kind of to be like, Hey, is there something wrong with me? What can I do? Can I integrate this and one of the things that we worked on was number one, his acceptance to himself that it’s okay to have a fetish to have a kink?

Céline Remy 22:14
But then it was like going beyond just that fetish in terms of learning to use it differently to masturbate better in the process, I taught him to separate his ejaculation from his orgasm. By the way, he was in the Netherlands. So on a totally different continent, we were working remotely together. I’m saying that because a lot of people think sometimes that those things can only happen when you’re in person, but there’s so much that can be done even virtually in sessions.

Céline Remy 22:41
And I’m just saying that in case you’re listening to the love, love podcast in a different country, and you’re like, I really want to work with Kevin and Celine, but is it gonna work? Yes, we can do a lot of things even virtually. So with this particular client, we worked with his excitement over floaties and finding ways to enjoy sex without always needing this, and then integrating this as part of his sexuality because he was starting to date somebody new.

Céline Remy 23:10
So I helped him learn to talk to her about his fetish, and integrate that, and having more of a quote-unquote, normal sexual life. But when it was finding a place where he was still able to have a fetish, but also being able to have a relationship, and that was such a beautiful, beautiful experience. And so it’s important for you to understand that the kink and your fetishes, it’s something that you can really cherish.

Kevin Anthony 23:43
Yeah. And I think the point here is that the question you asked was, is it okay to have a fetish? And so I think that the answer to that is yes, it is okay, to have a fetish, as long as the fetish doesn’t dominate your sex life and take over from having other normal types of sex, right.

Kevin Anthony 24:05
So in other words, using the example of your client, it’s okay, if he has a fetish for these floaty things, as long as that fetish doesn’t prevent him from having an actual healthy sexual relationship with this new person that he started dating. And so like anything, you can have a positive side and a negative side to him. And so, you know, on the positive side of fetish, people can get really turned on, and they can then use that turn on that they developed from the fetish in their sex life.

Kevin Anthony 24:38
So it could be like, hey, this fetish that we’re into gets me really, really hot and horny. And then I use that energy I’ve built up with the fetish with my partner and we both enjoy that and, and have a great sex life. So that’s a healthy way to use a fetish. The flip side of that is when you’re so into a fetish, a particular object Something like that, that you let’s say you’re into a foot fetish.

Kevin Anthony 25:06
And you’re so into the foot fetish, that you actually don’t even want to have sex anymore. Like, all you want to do is worship the feet. Well, that’s gonna be a problem because your partner, even though he or she may, like the foot fetish, probably wants some actual sex too, right? So, so yeah, it’s totally fine to have a fetish. Just make sure that it’s not affecting your sex life in a negative way.

Céline Remy 25:33
Absolutely. And then the other thing too is you know that you have a problem. If it really turns into an obsession, then that’s when you would need to seek some professional guidance or help or support. And like we always say, with anything, whether it’s porn, a fetish, or even sex, it’s not so much the what it’s the how do you use it?

Céline Remy 25:55
How do you allow it, to be integrated into your life, and it comes down more to your mindset than the end to your behavior than the object in itself of your obsession? So one thing that I want to bring up too, is many people forget that you know, our brain is our biggest sex organ. And so being able to stimulate our brain is important. But it’s not the only way to get turned down.

Céline Remy 26:26
Sometimes when people find one thing that works, whether it’s a kink, or it’s a fetish or anything in between our sexual position, then they go like this, is it? This is how I’m going to masturbate or have sex for the end of time.

Kevin Anthony 26:42
And don’t limit yourself,

Céline Remy 26:43
don’t limit yourself. Exactly. The thing is, we have different pathways, different nerves that create and trigger orgasms. And when you only use one of them and create such a deep groove, you have forgotten that there are other ways, maybe it’s not going to be the same firework or excitement that the one thing that will always get you over the edge. But don’t limit yourself to having just one thing be willing to explore.

Céline Remy 27:10
And if you’ve only given yourself permission to get turned down with one thing, when you try something different at first, it will be not as exciting. At first, you might be wondering, what am I doing, I’m just going to go right back to my tried and true. And, you know, forget all about this new expansion of my sexuality and sexual exploration.

Céline Remy 27:35
That’s the mistake, you got to be able to stay with it, even if it feels boring, even if it feels not as great until you can find the place and create new grooves that turn you on as well.

Kevin Anthony 27:47
Yeah, and it may not be as exciting or maybe even more exciting, you don’t even know and, and you know, the other thing is, is that that one thing that you’ve decided is going to be the way from here on out? Well, we keep changing and evolving as people, right. So what we liked at one point in our lives, you know, maybe we’re not that into it anymore.

Kevin Anthony 28:07
Now we’ve got something else that we like even more. I mean, that happens all the time. So don’t limit yourself, don’t box yourself in, feel free to explore. Don’t be afraid of the words kink, or BDSM or fetish or any of that kind of stuff. Just be open to seeing what works for you. And what doesn’t work for you? One of the interviews that we did that I think illustrates this point really well is Heather from PleazeMe.

Kevin Anthony 28:40
Because that’s really the journey that she went on. If you haven’t listened to that episode, go back and listen to it again. I mean, basically, she had the typical life that anybody has, you know, she married with kids and didn’t really have a spectacularly fulfilling sex life. And when her marriages ended, she went out on a journey.

Kevin Anthony 29:02
The journey really was to like, explore, and find who she was sexually and what she really liked. That for her meant going to fetish parties and BDSM parties and groups, sex parties, and just all kinds of different stuff. And some of it she’s like, yeah, that was really cool.

Kevin Anthony 29:21
Some of it she was like, it wasn’t really my thing, right, you know, but she didn’t know until she went out and explored it and, and I think that’s really the point of today’s episode is to help people understand what these things are, and to give them permission to go out and explore. If something doesn’t work, right, you go, Okay, don’t need to do that again. And if something is really cool, like alright, I just incorporated a new thing into my life.

Céline Remy 29:46
And that kind of leads to that last part that we wanted to bring, like, how do you know what you like you won’t know until you try it. And sometimes what you thought you would like in your head may not be the same as what you will truly enjoy in your body. But you need to Give it and try it out at least and find things that out arouse you, not just your body but your body, your mind, and your soul on all different levels. And there are no shortcuts and no ways to know until you try things out.

Kevin Anthony 30:16
So there you go. If you think you’re not kinky, you probably are. And if you don’t think you’re kinky enough, or you don’t think you’re kinky, then experiment a little bit and see if you can find something that works for you.

Céline Remy 30:33
And if you are listening to the love lab podcast, the day of the release, we do wish you a happy kinky holiday.

Kevin Anthony 30:43
Alright, everybody, that’s all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 31:01
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 31:15
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 31:16
And remember, you’re amazing.