How Porn Affects Your Relationship

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy. And we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 121. And it is how porn affects your relationship. Okay, so we’ve done a couple of episodes over the years here on the love lab that involves porn. And before we tackle that subject at all, I always have to say, we’re not 100% against porn, we’re not trying to demonize porn for the, you know, the half of the listeners out there, they’re like, what is nothing wrong with porn, you know, you guys are crazy, or something like that.

Kevin Anthony 0:56
What we do advocate for always is responsible use just like alcohol can get out of hand. You know, drugs can get out of hand. And there are people that can use those things responsibly, we kind of feel the same way about porn, it has a place sometimes and it can be used irresponsibly and cause damage. And it’s important to talk about both sides of that issue.

Kevin Anthony 1:19
Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, it’s going to be a fun episode. Because we haven’t actually covered this part of it. We’ve talked about it from our own sort of perspective and angle, but we have not had somebody who has actually experienced what we’re going to talk about today. And that’s the really cool part is we have somebody today that can share their firsthand experience with this.

Céline Remy 1:44
Mm-hmm. So I’m really excited. I’ve been like looking forward to today’s episode, I’m sure we’re gonna get so much value from it. And so buckle up, you’re in for a treat.

Céline Remy 1:54
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Céline Remy 2:20
Today, we have a special guest. Let me read his bio because of just a bio in itself. I was like, wow, I’ve got so many questions. So we have Bill Ranshaw. He is a recovered porn and sex addict 35 and 24 years respectively. He stopped porn and masturbation on March 21, 2017, at the age of 45. While congratulations bill.

Céline Remy 2:45
Shortly after he became addicted to opioids and then cocaine. He then dedicated himself to stopping the cycle once and for all. It was then that he developed a system of remaining porn Free for life. Since he stopped porn his life has transformed he has been awarded 3 Emmy produced an award-winning documentary short film became financially independent.

Céline Remy 3:07
And most of all, he has found the love of his life and is now engaged. Oh, I love this. Today, Bill coaches man, the seven disciplines he used to quit porn for life and achieve their ultimate potential and success in their life. Wow. Welcome Bill to the love podcast.

Bill Ranshaw 3:28
Wow, thank you so much. I really appreciate that introduction. I even enjoy hearing that as well as like, wow, Is that me? Holy cow.

Céline Remy 3:36
That’s quite a journey.

Bill Ranshaw 3:38
Yeah, and none of it. None of it is expected. As all as we all know, life turns out in ways that we’d never expect and never expected to be doing what I’m doing now. And to be able to do so and help men that have had this challenge that is afflicted with it. I’m being beyond humbled. I say so many times I had. It wasn’t regretted. But I had resentment for many years, the porn use that I had.

Bill Ranshaw 4:02
But once I was able to overcome all of this, all that resentment literally within a day, and I figured out that this is what I want to do became gratitude. And so it just blessed so if I tear up talking about it, that’s it. You know, that might happen.

Céline Remy 4:16
So good. We like it. Throw it in here. Yeah.

Kevin Anthony 4:20
In real so we’re gonna dive right in. And our first question, actually, there’s a part of this question that is already sort of foreshadowed in your bio in your intro, so I have a pretty good idea that you’re going to have a good answer for this one.

Kevin Anthony 4:37
So we did an episode a prior episode on his porn addiction real and in that episode, we were talking back and forth about Okay, is it really porn? Or is it addiction in general, and we kind of were battling back and forth different ideas. And so the question to you is, is porn addiction real and what’s your take on it?

Bill Ranshaw 5:00
Yeah, great question. I guess this is probably the number one question I get asked a lot. And legally porn is actually not listed as an addiction. There’s the DSM five, which is the diagnostic statistics manual, written by behavioral specialists and psychologist that lists all of the addictions that are out there. porn is not on that list. And for other reasons, which I don’t want to take up at the time, why it’s not but there are many that are very close in resemblance such as online gaming is the number one that is probably closely related to porn, that does make the list of addiction.

Bill Ranshaw 5:35
But to your point, really an addiction is an addiction. Porn, even though it’s not listed, as I say, if it walks like a duck talks like a duck, it’s an addiction. It really works in the brain center. That was the piece that finally took me to understand how to overcome it is scientifically what is it really doing to my brain and the parts of the brain that is making it so hard to overcome and even other men so hard overcome, and is what made me really want to understand that is once I stopped porn for good, we can get into the reasons like what the motivation behind that was.

Bill Ranshaw 6:10
But then, as you mentioned, in my bio, I was an innocent instance, where I had to start taking opioids for a car accident and surgery, got addicted to opioids, never in my life, I’ve been addicted to any type of a substance. And so I worked with my doctor to get off of that, and also use the techniques I used to get off porn.

Bill Ranshaw 6:28
And then shortly after that the workload I was on between, you know, two careers that I had filmmaking, television sales, all these jobs together, burning the candle, somebody introduced me to cocaine, like, wow, you know, shit works, you know, but they always say the best line of coke is the first line.

Bill Ranshaw 6:47
And you know, and that was about an eight-month journey of what the hell is going on, you know it, my wife was just spiraling out of control, again, downward, I thought I had everything under control after getting out the porn and the opioids, things were looking great, and the cocaine entered.

Bill Ranshaw 7:03
And that’s when I really dove in and said, you know, again, an addiction is an addiction. And I’m not on here to say that I have a foolproof plan to quit any addictions, I don’t really work with people on substances.

Kevin Anthony 7:16
So that’s, that’s a great answer. And the reason I really wanted to lead with that question is that our premise when we did our previous episode was that it’s not so much that it’s porn, it’s that its addiction and addiction can show up in many, many different forms. And the reason I really wanted you to talk to that point, is because we could see that, you know, you had a porn addiction, and then you had the substance addiction.

Kevin Anthony 7:42
And so what that shows is that there’s an underlying addictive pattern there that is working that needs to be solved. And so the main point that I would want listeners to understand is that if you are suffering from something like Well, two things, I guess, the first one is, is that realize that porn can actually be addictive, if you have the type of personality where you tend to be addicted to things, whether it’s you’re addicted to your coffee, you’re addicted to drugs, or anything else.

Kevin Anthony 8:10
Porn could be one of those things that you do get addicted to, right. So because everyone’s that it’s not listed in the DSM. It’s not a real thing. But it could be if you have those tendencies. And the other point that I really wanted to make from that, is that how you go about treating that is more about looking at addiction than it is so much at the point.

Kevin Anthony 8:31
And we’re gonna dive into that way more because we get a bunch of questions on that. Just a couple of things that I really wanted people to get out of that first question.

Céline Remy 8:41
So a lot of people think they are in a healthy relationship with porn, but they’re not. So how do you know when your relationship with porn is unhealthy? What are the signs?

Bill Ranshaw 8:52
Wow, that’s a great question.

Bill Ranshaw 8:56
A lot of times people want to say am I addicted, which goes to your previous statement. And I usually tell people, again, I’m not on a soapbox telling people not to do this. Again, look at how it is affecting your life. And I always want to start addressing people who come to me or you see them and I see them on Facebook groups and the groups that I’m in, in people looking for self-development, personal help.

Bill Ranshaw 9:20
And they said, I’ve read all the books, you know, I’ve read all the seminars, I’ve gone to Tony Robbins. I’ve watched every motivational book I can every day. I watch Evan Carmichael, Gary Vee, you know, I watch all these videos and everything, but I just can’t get my life in order. And I can’t have that level of success that everybody else is having. I have literally tried everything in the world to be successful, and I can’t get there.

Bill Ranshaw 9:44
And this is how it was brought to me at one time somebody said, Just consider the role porn is having in your life. And that’s what I want to tell most people is If you’ve tried everything else, and you just can’t seem to get your cylinders firing all at the same time. Just consider the role porn is Playing. The next piece of that is if you don’t think you’re addictive, and it’s just like caffeine, which is probably the other one that most people say, you know, it’s not that big of a deal.

Bill Ranshaw 10:10
Just make yourself a goal just to test it out. Can you go? Can you go? Three or four days without porn? Okay, maybe because you’re busy. Can you go a week or two weeks without porn? Finally, can you go a month without watching porn?

Bill Ranshaw 10:25
And if you absolutely cannot go a month without watching porn, that’s when I say you really need to evaluate what effect does it have in your life because it has a stronghold in there somewhere. And you need to evaluate what it is what it’s doing to you mentally, your physiology, motivation, and everything.

Céline Remy 10:44
So when I talk about the physiology side effect here, because that’s something that we deal with a lot, where, you know, what does porn do to the body? What have you seen, of course, I have, you know, worked with over enough 1500 men by now. So I’ve seen a lot of things. But I’m curious about your opinion bill on what do you see porn does to the body?

Bill Ranshaw 11:06
Yeah, me personally, and I will go off of my own personal experience that I can share with other men share with me. But number one was fatigue, just absolute fatigue, it always being tired. And a lot of that I tied to Well, maybe it’s just, you know, I’m eating poorly in whatever it might be. But when I really stopped porn, within a week, my energy levels really just started to skyrocket.

Bill Ranshaw 11:31
And when you start understanding other addictions, important specifically, because it’s not a substance, but what it’s doing to your brain. And people who are really addicted, watching it every day for many hours, which wasn’t specifically my case, I was more of that. No, you know, maybe pun intended, that drip, drip, drip, you know, once a day, if you do that, over 30 years, it has a psychological effect, and it was fatigue.

Bill Ranshaw 11:55
And basically, it was what was happening in the dopamine levels in my brain, were always running at such a higher level, that anything else would be just fatigued compared to that any activities, sports, hobbies, everything just became less interesting and boring. But your brain is always working at such a high level of being flush with dopamine, and the and the reuptake of that your brain mentally gets fatigued and physically gets fatigued from that. I would also say focus.

Bill Ranshaw 12:30
ADHD was another one. Or add again, a lot of people say I’ve tried everything on my medications for it. Are you watching a lot of porn, because that’s going to affect your focus and attention span of what you’re able to do? And that’s also how it shows up in relationships. So that’s my maybe not as much physiology as far as mental. But strength.

Bill Ranshaw 12:55
You are physically weaker. And a lot of people go into conversations around semen retention, and they want to get you to know, to talk about holding on to your seat and your energy. Sometimes those conversations even make me go, I’m not holding on to a seat. But maybe I am I don’t know, but I don’t go down those lines. But I know personally. I have much more energy and strength when I stopped masturbation and porn.

Céline Remy 13:24
I want to talk about boners too because that’s one of the things that I see a lot with the people that we work with, where they see a correlation between porn usage and the strength of their erection. And I’m curious from your perspective, have you experienced that or with the men you work with? Is that something that you could talk about?

Bill Ranshaw 13:43
Yeah. Bingo, you nailed it. You absolutely. That’s why I went down the journey I was on. And that is the reality. How it shows up is called porn-induced erectile dysfunction. And that’s what happened in my life. And through the years of porn addiction. I do list porn and sex addiction, but I usually dress porn because porn usually leads to sex addiction.

Bill Ranshaw 14:05
And for me, it was porn from the early ages from age 11, up until 19 when I first had sex, and it was, it was the most unfulfilling experience that you would ever think of. And that’s how a lot of people say the first time is, but I had a hard time getting an erection. I didn’t orgasm, I felt completely out of place at that moment. Again, it’s the first time it’s going to be awkward. But that was my instance, for the next 30 years of my life. I jokingly say I can count on one hand how many times I orgasm from sex.

Bill Ranshaw 14:37
I always had to finish with masturbation. So the erections weren’t as much of a challenge in the beginning but the orgasm was and my brain because of the triggers the neuroplasticity of which I was trained through arousal. I was aroused through porn and visual porn, through TV or whatever it might be. And so the connection with an actual human being, that those neural pathways of arousal eroded over time.

Bill Ranshaw 15:02
To the point where when I got inside of a relationship with a woman that I really liked, the complete and utter failure of the sexual desire, sexual dysfunction, everything went out the window. And that’s when I realized at this was in my early 40s, after the last failed relationship that I had is like, I have to figure this out. Because I could not have sex in a relationship, I had no sexual arousal, I couldn’t get an erection.

Bill Ranshaw 15:08
In fact, I would be to the point where I would be making excuses, I’d make sure we were staying up late. We are watching TV where the opportunity to have sex never arose. So many puns in here that we can add in and part of that is psychologically knowing that Okay, now I’m not going to be able to perform now that sexual anxiety hits.

Bill Ranshaw 15:49
And it’s like a domino effect in a nanosecond that hits your brain where sexual arousal just stops. Yeah, so yeah, owner boners directions were impossible.

Kevin Anthony 15:59
So if if you’re watching this podcast on the video, and not just listening on a platform, I’m like a bobblehead over here with everything. He’s saying. I’m going Yes, I’m shaking my head. Yes, yes, yes. Because these are all of the things that we teach people when it comes to this. I mean, you hit pretty much everyone from, you know, training your body through the visual response system, right?

Kevin Anthony 16:24
So that people watch porn, they see all these beautiful people, and they have huge breasts and perfect bodies and great acids in giant genitals and all this stuff, right? And then all of a sudden, the real thing is in front of you. And you’re like,

Céline Remy 16:36
There’s hair, there’s cellulite, that’s different.

Kevin Anthony 16:39
It doesn’t really look like what I’m used to. And then there’s the, there’s the constant dopamine level that when it’s not there in real life, because you’re not getting that instant hit, oh, then the erection doesn’t come. And I mean, there’s just, I’m not gonna repeat everything you said because people heard it the first time.

Kevin Anthony 16:56
But I really wanted to say, if you weren’t paying attention close enough, during his answer to that last question, please rewind a little bit and listen to that, again, because it literally is everything that we tell people if you’re having a problem, this is it right here. An excellent answer to that question.

Bill Ranshaw 17:17
Yeah. And I want to, don’t interrupt by piggyback on top of that, and one of the challenges that porn has, because there’s a lot of people that men that I work with that are severe and so many times when I talk to men, they are. Yeah, I get it, Bill. I’ve watched your videos, but I don’t think you really get how bad it is with me. No, I do I do.

Bill Ranshaw 17:38
I mean, the rabbit holes that the disgusting nature of porn that’s out there that men go down, it doesn’t mean they’re bad, but they start thinking of themselves. And his self worth goes down the tubes because they’re watching all kinds of just sick, nasty, weird porn. And to the point of arousal and person is that dopamine hit that reuptake. Many people have tabs open, like several on their computers.

Bill Ranshaw 18:00
And there, they’re watching 10-15 second hits of porn, get immediately bored with it, moving to the next one, moving to the next one. So when you think about that, in real life, with a human being, you can go from zero to instant arousal and porn in a matter of seconds. We’re in real life, it could take a day or a week to build that arousal in that connection with someone that it’s absolutely fucking boring.

Bill Ranshaw 18:25
Why do I want to invest that amount of time with a human being when I can get there like that? So that’s one of the challenges in the connection with a partner?

Kevin Anthony 18:35
Yeah. And I, you know, I want to talk about something. This is not one of the questions that we had on here, but it was something that you were just mentioning a moment ago. And I forgot what it is I kind of write actual notes with people. Oh, no, I got it. I got it back. So what it was the judgment that people have on what they’re looking at, right.

Kevin Anthony 19:01
So this is actually an area that we haven’t talked about before that I think would be good to just talk a little bit more about, which is that it’s not just that they’re watching porn, that they feel good that Oh, I’m watching porn, and maybe I shouldn’t or I’m watching a little too much porn.

Kevin Anthony 19:13
but you hit on something, which was they’re going into maybe genres or subcategories or porn or looking at stuff that they themselves, obviously, feel is somewhat reprehensible. And then they have the judgment on themselves. So I’m wondering if you could talk a little bit more about that because that’s something we haven’t covered at all.

Bill Ranshaw 19:30
Yeah, absolutely. And it really opened up my eyes to this because the porn that I used to get involved in was generally like group lesbian sex and that’s about as hard as it would get, you know, maybe you know, golden showers and stuff like that even then, like, Okay, this is maybe drawing the edge a little but nothing I would ever do in person.

Bill Ranshaw 19:48
Well, I could maybe retract that. Never found pleasure in that

Bill Ranshaw 19:55
In talking to men and the judgment there. See you, Bill, I get it, you watch this. But after they started divulging to me the stuff that they were watching. And the scary part is when I coach men I have to be upfront is, you can tell me anything that you’ve ever done, or anything you’ve ever watched in porn, it’s a safe space for me. But please don’t divulge anything to me that you feel like you might have done in person, that could be construed as it is really illegal behavior.

Bill Ranshaw 20:24
Because there is that there is a crossover. At that point time, because I’m not a therapist, I mean, I’m just a coach. And so I’m not really bound by anything. If somebody shares something illegal with me, I do have a moral aptitude of saying, you know, I feel like this person is acting in such a way. You know, on an extreme, this hasn’t happened, but maybe rape or done something like that to somebody.

Bill Ranshaw 20:45
But for the most part, to your point, every guy I talked to you, they’re good, they’re good, normal human beings, they don’t take it to that, that they’re performing in there, in their life is normal, nice human beings being thoughtful and gracious to other people. But when it comes to porn, the brain just keeps that reuptake and, and dopamine is, it’s always looking for faster ways for a new reward.

Bill Ranshaw 21:10
That’s what the brain does. It’s always like always niching that way. And like Pornhub, and all of the others, all these sites, they know it, and they know what it takes. And so that’s why they offer so much free porn, everybody says all there’s free porn everywhere, not a problem. A lot of us can get used to that. But where they get you is they get you hooked on that one genre, that now you have to pay a subscription and start paying for porn.

Bill Ranshaw 21:35
That’s why they’re making money is because they’re able to find those dopamine receptors in those people, whereas burst into a compulsion to watch it keep going down a further path. And so you know, we’re Pornhub now, you know, they sponsor a lot of neat events, a lot of people hold them in high regard. They’re doing education and things like that, you know, it’s not like the days of Hugh Hefner in playboy, where, you know, it was a magazine and pictures.

Bill Ranshaw 21:45
Pornhub is, is deliberately trying to do good things like this, like, like tobacco companies, where we’re educating you on this, but we’re actually going to provide you something that’s doing harm to you. And so they know that when they get subscriptions, that there’s just a dark, deep-seated world of porn that is out there that men get addicted to. That is absolutely disgusting, despicable, tasteless. And then again, as you mentioned, people know it themselves.

Bill Ranshaw 22:23
And another big one that I hear is a lot of men start reaching out to me, and they start thinking, you know, I think that watch a lot of porn, because maybe I think deep down, I’m gay. And you know, then they start having gay tendencies, and they get aroused to men. There’s, again, I have no judgment on anything in the world. I’ve seen it all heard it all and done or done a lot. But a lot of men maybe even have shame around feeling gay.

Bill Ranshaw 22:45
And I’ve thought, maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. But when you get off porn, you’re going to know, because it’s that same thing with Pavlov’s dog, is if you’re watching a lot of porn and male-female porn, inherently, your brain starts associating pleasure to the same sex. And so men start getting aroused. With this with same-sex and watching men’s penises are dicks or whatever you want to call it.

Bill Ranshaw 23:09
They so they start, there’s a judgment, like, God, I think I’m gay, I really think I’m gay. And they stopped watching porn. Those thoughts go away after a couple of months. Then they realize they’re not again, no judgment if you are, but that’s the power of what pornography can do, it can almost actually change your sexual preference. that’s,

Kevin Anthony 23:25
to me, that’s fascinating, because that’s actually one that I had not heard before. And you know, I used to before Selena and I work together and I did some men’s coaching. I actually had almost every guy that I coached, inevitably, this would come up, which is I think, why we’ve and it comes up a lot with your clients too, which I think why we’ve talked about it so much. But that is actually one aspect of it that I had not heard before. So that’s really fascinating.

Céline Remy 23:51
So want to dive in with how it affects relationships and all of this. But right now we’ve been it’s been a little bit dark so I want to say I can we bring like other actually downsides. I mean, upsides, other potential benefits before we go into more downside to your relationship for using porn? Do you think they are?

Bill Ranshaw 24:12
I will, okay, let’s I will provide a light upside. Again, I don’t, I don’t judge anybody on this. I do have my personal belief that any amount of porn on some level is doing something to your brain. It’s the same as alcohol doesn’t mean you have to stop. But are there things that are doing to your brain, where I have successfully used porn in my own life and coached other men when you really get to that level, what they call flatline?

Bill Ranshaw 24:43
And that is the point when you stopped porn for good. And now your brain is kind of in this Limbo, you’ve gone a period of time where now you’ve kind of washed over that path of arousal from porn, but you haven’t re-associated it to arousal, the human being Now you’re kind of in this Limbo of just lack of libido, and sexual arousal with a person. Now, there are exercises that I coach with men that you probably do with a partner.

Bill Ranshaw 25:10
And that’s the other thing is, for single men, it’s really fucking hard because you got another pun. It’s really difficult because you don’t know if what you’re doing is working. You know, when I stopped, I was single. And I did you know, I stopped the porn, but it was after about, it took a year and a half for me to actually orgasm from sex a year and a half after stopping porn.

Bill Ranshaw 25:38
But I wasn’t inside of a relationship, I actually had a couple of people that I had, you know, had made acquaintance with friends I started hooking up with again. So I started orgasm for the first time in my life, like, like, I’m sorry, they’re just made probably quickly. So like, is that like, fail? Yes, that’s it.

Bill Ranshaw 26:01
I come out strong and they’re like, okay, screw this guy.

Kevin Anthony 26:05
Or don’t screw this guy.

Bill Ranshaw 26:10
That was in my brain. It’s like, it took a year and a half of that type of Oh, pleasure. So that’s what I thought, okay, I’m cured. But then I got into the relationship with my now fiance and assures a heck the same thing started building up. When that real intimacy of connection with a human being started building libido and sexual arousal just were not connected with those normal cues and triggers of say, conversation, touching, teasing those types of things.

Bill Ranshaw 26:37
So I had to go back to the drawing board and really work on building that arousal the human being. Now back to your question about where porn can be healthy. Again, I don’t use it in my life, if I see it, it causes really no stimulus to me. But I was starting to use it during that flatline with my fiance, along with other exercises, kind of like a jumpstart, Mm-hmm.

Bill Ranshaw 27:02
I came downstairs, I would put it on my laptop for a little bit, get a little arousal, look at it, and then I would go upstairs, and then be able to start associating again, with my partner like that Pavlov’s dog, get the arousal, you know, associated and assign it to a partner. But the challenge with porn for a lot of people in sex addiction, and where that roadblock with real intimacy is, is you even eventually get to the point where all the thoughts and the pleasure of the porn dissipate.

Bill Ranshaw 27:35
But even people will have fantasy porn in their heads. So they even remove themselves in a moment. With a partner, instead of connecting with them, they’re shutting their brain down, and turning on whether it was a real-life experience with someone else or porn, and really concentrating on that moment in time in their brain, as opposed to fully being committed with that moment with it with a partner.

Bill Ranshaw 28:00
So I’m not sure if I’m making any sense on that. You’re still not even connecting,  you can use porn to build arousal muscle, a lot of people use it as a tool for many ways. So I don’t know if I answered your question?

Kevin Anthony 28:13
So basically, I think what you’re saying is you could potentially use it to stimulate some arousal, but you have to be careful because you can stimulate the arousal, go have sex with a partner, but still not really connect with that partner. So yeah, I could, I could see how that is potentially an issue. And you would want to be very careful with how you use that for sure.

Céline Remy 28:35
The only way that I see porn that can be used in a positive way is more when the two people watch porn together, and then discuss the experience the things they’ve liked, especially for people who don’t have the vocabulary or feel shy gives them a way to be like, why we just watch girl on a girl like, how was that there? Have you ever had like lesbian fantasy and then discussing this, it brings you closer and it opens up the dialogue.

Céline Remy 29:02
And that’s really the only way that I see it as being something that could be beneficial for a relationship. Otherwise, I see more downside, because it’s too easy to again, disconnect, which is always that route of the quote-unquote, addiction, which is a lack of connection, whether it’s a connection to self or another human being,

Bill Ranshaw 29:25
I’d say you just hit something really, really poignant right there that I want everybody to really understand what you just said with that. And the point where it can be used as long as used and you really are maybe stopping and understanding the moment that having that dialogue and connection and having a conversation around it. I feel at that point of time. It definitely can be a powerful tool to build a conversation and connectivity to maybe overcome some of that naivety or the embarrassment around it.

Bill Ranshaw 29:55
Because generally what happens in relationships and porn is one person starts watching porn for arousal, the partner picks up on that and does it more. So this is a rousing my partner. And so the partner kind of comes along for the ride. But eventually, a resentment is built in that at that moment, because the partner is like, you know, I don’t really need this to understand my partner does.

Bill Ranshaw 30:19
So that disconnect starts happening. And at some point in time that partners can start going down even again, bigger, deeper rabbit holes, which can turn to, you know, be DSM and those types of things. And the other partner, again, keeps going along for the ride but is it into that, and so it cracks the intimacy as opposed to playing together, but you nailed it, if you can use it as an opportunity to really discuss what you felt what you think, then there’s a possibility for it being positive.

Céline Remy 30:49
Awesome. So we’re gonna do a quick break to invite our listeners if you are a committed couple who is stuck in a rut and just growing through the daily motions instead of connecting the way you used to. And you’re tired of stale mechanical sex, I’d like spontaneity and fun, and you don’t want to live a life of average, then Kevin, and I would like to invite you to our highly sexed power couple Platinum program.

Céline Remy 31:11
So give us 90 days and we will help you bring the passion back between the sheets and be synched up sexually so that you can thrive with more purpose and passion in life. Go to kevinanthonycoaching.com/passion to learn more about our program. There is so much we want to cover.

Kevin Anthony 31:30
I know, as I was looking at the questions, I’m like, Wow, man, where do we go from here? I’m thinking maybe we just jumped down.

Céline Remy 31:38
So I want to talk about the situation where a lot of women get triggered because their partner watching porn, this is something that I hear a lot, whether in the Facebook groups that I’m in and like he watches porn, so they ever get angry or put an ultimatum. What do you have to say to them? How can they have their men solve that problem and maybe step away from porn?

Bill Ranshaw 32:01
Wow, that’s a great question. In fact, because I’m actually speaking to two women right now. One of them I’ve spoken to on and off her is there are two different sides of the relationship, one relationship, it’s not going well, the husband doesn’t feel it’s a problem, or he does, but either it’s too surmountable. He doesn’t want to talk to anybody about it, he bought a program, but he’s not taking it seriously. That relationship does not look like it’s going to go well.

Bill Ranshaw 32:25
They’ve been married for a few years. The other one is a younger couple, where she brought to the attention of the Facebook group. So I’m in and I reached out and I’m actually going to be doing my first coaching session with them together next week. And I applaud any woman who steps up in recognizes it first because it’s very hurtful. It’s definitely very hurtful. And I hear from women, when upper back, men do it, if they’re caught, they’re like, honey, it’s just porn. It’s not another woman.

Bill Ranshaw 32:54
But in reality, women almost see it as a bigger betrayal than their husband cheating on him with another woman. That’s the feedback that I’ve gotten. And I’ve heard it from the research that I’ve shown, which was really fascinating to me, because they’re like, wow, you, you’d rather take an inanimate object and something on, you know, on a screen over me, so that does become more of a trail. So it can be very hurtful for women.

Bill Ranshaw 33:16
So for women, the best thing to do that I recommend is maybe going into a Facebook group, find some sex addiction groups, or no fap groups, no PMO groups, read some of the conversations, and then start understanding that there is a bigger thing going on here other than looking at it from a personal side of I’m not attracting, you know, he’s not attracted to me that, you know, take it away from it being about you, if you’re the woman, it is not about you, it absolutely is not about you.

Bill Ranshaw 33:45
It’s something that your husband or your partner has come across that has turned into a drug, it would be the same thing is saying, you know if your partners get hooked on heroin, and you said, well, it’s my fault, my fault because I’m ugly, and I’m not attracted to him and those type of things. That’s not the case, they got a taste of something and it turned into a drug and they got addicted to it.

Bill Ranshaw 34:08
So as a woman, again, realize it’s not you and it’s something with him and has a conversation of, of learning what it’s doing. And but I definitely think you know, there are videos you know, YouTube’s always a great place to start searching, you know, couples in porn and go that route. But by all means, reach out, I would say to somebody like you or me and really set up that first conversation so like, I tell a lot of men that I work with, listen, you can do this on your own.

Bill Ranshaw 34:35
You absolutely can’t you don’t know you don’t need me. To play golf too, you don’t need a golf coach. But for me, I want to be able to help men change their lives and get off porn in a matter of weeks or months, as opposed to what took me years and decades. So again, you can do this on your own. And you can do the research but really talk to an authorized person, specifically somebody that’s gone through this or has the studies and the knowledge of it.

Bill Ranshaw 35:00
As a female and come together as a couple, Mm-hmm. Otherwise, reach out if you’re afraid to approach her, your husband on it, reach out to me or reach out to someone like you. And we can help people how to have that conversation with their partner to bring it up. So it’s non-threatening. And so somebody is not feeling of being blamed or shamed or something like that.

Céline Remy 35:20
Yeah, bringing that neutral third party that can defuse the energy for sure. I’m curious bill, do you have any personal experience or stories of like, things that happened with you as a result of using for and how it affected either your relationship or like anything around that?

Bill Ranshaw 35:38
Yeah, so again, it was all negative. That’s how it turned Well, you know, over the span of my life, every time I got into the relationship one, you know, it started off I guess kind of good because I could go the erections were strong, but I would be able to go like a bucket bucket bucket bucket Fuck, and but not orgasm. So women thought it was great. But then it got to the point where I started realizing women were taking it personally so that aspect like what is it about me? Why can’t you orgasm, you know, what am I doing wrong?

Bill Ranshaw 36:05
And that’s when I started thinking what’s not you know, you’re not doing wrong, but you know, it’s it It’s me, not you. But as it showed up later in life, it really was that that complete disconnect of arousal and libido inside the intimate relationship, where everything just hit complete failure that really made me want to change. I had the taste of a relationship was a long-distance relationship that turned into a year. And I really fell in love with this girl and I thought this could be it. But then the erectile dysfunction, everything sat in.

Bill Ranshaw 36:37
And so we broke up, she thought I was cheating on her there was so much going on. I’m like, no, I, on the contrary, I’m like so in love with you, but you’re not understanding that sex just doesn’t feel like this part of the equation because it never has been my whole life. And so well, you need to get this fixed. So you know, shame on my behalf. So anyway, we broke up. It was then when I realized I had a taste of what real intimacy was with another human being.

Bill Ranshaw 37:01
I knew that I wanted that in my future, that that’s what I wanted, that that’s what people talk about. And I realized porn was never going to serve the future that I wanted. That’s when I realized I’m going to fix this and get rid of it and had to stop. And so that was that aspect of it. So not a particular story.

Bill Ranshaw 37:20
But going back if we want to talk about fundings because as I said before, I don’t regret anything I’ve done. I’ve done some of the acts like I say, I’ve done some of the wildest and craziest shit sexually and forgotten about then more men really can ever fantasize about. That’s not a brag.

Bill Ranshaw 37:40
This is not to brag by any means because it fucked me up for a period of time. I’ve done some crazy sexual things that are just good laughable stories, one of the best. So how are we on time? Are we good on time? We’re getting a little long, but

Kevin Anthony 37:54
go for it.

Céline Remy 37:54
We want to hear your story.

Bill Ranshaw 37:56
All right. So where it turned from porn or sex with the internet came out as an admin of the internet. And but growing up as a shy guy, this was this whole new world of being able to connect with women. And in the beginning, it was always like most men, maybe at a bar more sort of aggressive. Hey, let’s meet up Let’s go out. And women always No, I don’t feel like it. I’m not comfortable or beginning sexual talk right away, women getting turned off.

Bill Ranshaw 38:21
And so at the time, I devised the plan, like what is the quickest way it was just like porn? Like, what’s the quickest way I can start a conversation to closing to getting hooked up? And then it turns you so how do I do that to the point where I can have a conversation with a girl and have it not be threatening in her aspect to where maybe she’s intrigued or wants to.

Bill Ranshaw 38:42
So the line that I came up with was either during dating sites or chat rooms or whatever it is, I talked to somebody, maybe flirt a little bit and say, Would you be open if I shared a fetish with you?

Bill Ranshaw 38:52
And immediately well, hell yeah, share it with me. If they said no, okay, I wouldn’t take any farther. They shared the fetish, which was, I have a fetish of being completely naked and masturbating in front of a woman while she sits there full clothes and watches me. That worked. 90% of the time, it was completely non-threatening a piqued interest in the female I took any onus off of I don’t want anything to do with you.

Bill Ranshaw 39:22
And it wasn’t so much about the masturbation in front of her again, it was a non-threatening way to get with her into a point of a sexual position to where when I’m laying there naked and beginning to masturbate 90% of the time the woman gets turns on and wants to join so hookups are happening all the time like that. So every once in a while somebody didn’t want to join in and a couple of experiences. Again, I’ve got thousands of these that I could tell I hate saying thousands but I think it’s true.

Bill Ranshaw 39:49
So a couple of experiences. I walked into a house one day went supposedly to beat one girl I was gonna jerk off for her. Well, I walked in the door, and here are eight women Black downs and in masquerade ball glasses on and everything. And I walked right in. I didn’t miss a beat like, wow, this didn’t surprise me like, no, let’s have fun. So I want a sit-down and there’s a barstool in the middle of the living room. And they’re like, okay, go for it sit there and start.

Bill Ranshaw 40:23
And I look around. Just a weird scenario to be in right? Eight women sitting there watching your dress to the nines. And then there’s this, there’s a tape measure or ruler out on the ground that goes out about seven feet. And I’m like, what the fuck is this? So anyhow, all right, who am I to stop so I sat there and just jerked off in front of these eight women to the point of orgasm shot my loot load, by the way, there’s a tarp down on the ground. Then as soon as I was done, scorecards came up, sevens, eights nines, and I’m like, what’s going on?

Kevin Anthony 41:01
Okay, so what was your distance?

Bill Ranshaw 41:03
Yeah, that’s what they were looking at. I don’t remember what it was, but it was in 79. In the feedback was, the reason I didn’t get tense is that I did dry rub, and I didn’t use a lubricant. But it turns out also the girls who voted then they had the opportunity to invite me to a swingers party, which I got invited to and I declined. I didn’t go. But that’s just one amazing scenario.

Bill Ranshaw 41:30
So one more, one more that I can share. And I know we’re rushed on time goes over to a girl’s house laying by the pool, she actually said, hey, I’ve got a couple of girlfriends of mine. We’re sitting by the pool. And, you know, we want you to come over and check off for us. Okay, let’s go for it. So on the lunch hour, the company I was at, so I go over and sure shit women linger on topless.

Bill Ranshaw 41:51
Again, men don’t think that this happens. Does this really happen? dish this shit happens. I mean, stuff happens like this in real life. And so I went around, some of the girls weren’t interested, they stayed on the other side of the pool, there’s about five that were all laying in the chairs.

Bill Ranshaw 42:07
And so I went over their shoulder and started jerking off a little bit, went back to the girl that I was with and was going to shoot, shoot my load under a chest, I’m standing over her shoulder. And I go and fire off my round shoots right over and lands in a Dorito bag. The Myspace was big. And these girls read to me and there are all these pictures of Doritos bags all over my MySpace. I mean, again, crazy experiences. I’ve had, you know, five sons with women on pool tables and group sacks.

Bill Ranshaw 42:41
And again, so a lot of great stuff that I don’t want to say ever regretted because I’ve done a lot of interesting things live the great life they created, resent but he didn’t turn to gratitude when I realized I could help men.

Kevin Anthony 42:53
Okay, so you know, we might have you back on like, I’m getting this idea now to do a show on like, people’s craziest sexual experiences and stuff because this would be so entertaining. But we do have one last question for you,

Céline Remy 43:10
too. I want to know, yeah, it’s okay. It’s gonna be a long answer. We getting some good things. I want to know, what is the first step that you recommend doing for anyone listening? who watches too much porn and wants to stop? And I will face it that most of my clients, they can stop.

Céline Remy 43:28
But then they wait like two weeks or 10 days. It’s kind of realize that seven days and then they relapse and it’s just one day, and then they keep going and then just again one day so what’s the first step that you could give them?

Bill Ranshaw 43:41
Yeah, there’s a couple 1 and 2 go hand acknowledge it. And don’t feel shame around it for yourself. just acknowledge it and realize that you’re not fucked up, you’re not broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just like anything else, something’s got its hold on you that you’re going to need to figure out how to take care of and get rid of because you’ve realized that’s causing problems in your life.

Bill Ranshaw 43:59
So that’s the first one the next one is again, reach out to a third party person, I generally say find a best friend, find somebody and share with them what’s going on. And again, if you don’t know how to have that conversation, I always tell people to reach out to me I can tell you how to have open that conversation with a friend and get an accountability partner and begin sharing vulnerability around it that’s where I was rewarded because I shared my story with 20 guys in Arizona as a group of workout friends.

Bill Ranshaw 44:25
I was rewarded but beyond belief when I first shared what was going on hey I’ve sexual arousal dysfunction and I’m not trying to be a victim here but I’m saying I’m just let you know what’s going on. This is why my girlfriend broke up. At that moment. All the guys reached out to me and said God, I’ve had similar experiences. I thought I was the only one and all those things. So share your story number one is acknowledge it to share the story.

Bill Ranshaw 44:49
And three really find a way to start figuring out how to sound so weird, be of service to others. It sounds so far off the task. I always tell people to start working on gratitude exercises, and I have a video on my website that talks about take the compliment. And when you start becoming a service to others and accepting and receiving gratitude yourself, your self worth, and your ability to connect with people starts to grow.

Bill Ranshaw 45:15
And that’s the problem, one challenge that porn has in general gentleness with partners. It builds disconnectivity between human beings, coworkers, friends, and everybody. And so you have to stop porn and find a way to start connecting with people. So you start getting rewarded by that connection with people.

Céline Remy 45:33
Fantastic, Bill, that was awesome. So we have our last favorite question.

Kevin Anthony 45:39
We could get interesting this time.

Céline Remy 45:41
Exactly. And then I know that please stay until the end because you have something special for our listeners that you’re going to give them. But before we tell them more about that. They’ll tell us what is your best sexual talents.

Bill Ranshaw 45:57
Got a, I guess if I were to brag, I just would say it would be oral sex, there’s nothing more in the world I love to do and then to go down on a girl. And I should probably preface that with my fiance, my fiance. But again over the years and is spun into that it was a talent because I was never able to orgasm from sex, I would bang and bang and bang.

Bill Ranshaw 46:17
So I would actually eventually pull off and go down, start going down on the girl and reading the cues and understanding what feels good, what doesn’t feel good, the right amount of finger pressure. And it’s different for everybody, but figuring out what that pressure is for that particular person. So I would say that would be my number one talent. And if my fiance were here, I’d say I’m sorry, we probably don’t do that enough.

Kevin Anthony 46:39
Well, I’m glad your talent doesn’t include, or at least require a pool table because that would be very inconvenient. never went around when you need one.

Céline Remy 46:51
So you have something special for our listeners, and that you are offering a free coaching session for anyone who is experiencing trouble with born or quitting and wanting to have that safe space. And you’re going to give the first free people who reach out to you.

Céline Remy 47:08
And we’re going to put the link down in the description below and maybe just mentioned the love lab that’s where you heard about Bill, they’re gonna get a free coaching session with you.

Kevin Anthony 47:19
This is a real coaching session. Yes, not just like, Oh, well, I’ll talk to you for five minutes and try to rope you into a program that’s actually going to help you know.

Bill Ranshaw 47:28
and I’m glad you bring that up because I’m in the process of doing a research study and revamping my entire program. So I really wanted to dive in deep with new people and figure out go even farther, and I’ve gone before with this conversation with people. So it’s a win-win, I’m gonna learn a lot from my conversation with these three people.

Bill Ranshaw 47:43
And I really want to walk away giving them real valid tips beyond what we just talked about. That can get them going down the path. Again, it’s not a sales pitch to keep going. I really want to give concrete ideas to people that can get them going in return I received so much from it as well.

Céline Remy 47:59
Fantastic. So if you are struggling with porn and need some support, be one of the first three people to reach out to bill because this is going to be the first step to changing your life. And if you’re not one of the free people, and you still want to hear more about Bill and know what he’s up to tell our listeners where they can find more about your work. And you

Bill Ranshaw 48:20
Yes, great, best ways videos on YouTube is Bill Ranshaw is where they can find me. My website is www.billwilderment.org.  And I’m assuming you’re going to have that on there as well.

Céline Remy 48:40
We will.

Bill Ranshaw 48:41
and anybody can email me as well at bill at bewilderment. org.

Kevin Anthony 48:46
Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Bill for being on the show talking about your personal experience, you’ve been telling us a few very funny stuff. I think what we accomplish today could be really, really helpful because I know just from my own personal experience coaching men that this is such a huge issue and so many people need some help and guidance around this. So thank you for that.

Bill Ranshaw 49:06
I appreciate it. You guys have been fantastic. I hope to come back and do a longer session on some other topics. Awesome. Thank you, Bill.

Kevin Anthony 49:13
All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And we’ll see you next week.

Kevin Anthony 49:23
We hope you like this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 49:30
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. Thanks for listening. And remember, you’re amazing