Dating and Relationship Red Flags

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man, woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony, Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 92. And it’s titled A dating and relationship red flags. So here’s the thing. We’re having a conversation this weekend with a friend of ours, and she’s in the dating world. And she was describing some of the conversations that she’s had recently with people who want to go on a date with her.

Kevin Anthony 0:53
And literally every word I heard was like, oh, red flag, red flag. So today we thought it would be a good idea to do an episode on what are some of the red flags, some things that if you hear when you start dating, or even things that start to pop up early on in a relationship, that could signal that maybe this is not the right one for you.

Céline Remy 1:18
Mm-hmm. So we’re going to look at the two different aspects, we’ll look at it from the dating scenes as a starting point. And then kind of as you’re starting to move from the dating into establishing into a relationship, and you know, you’re saying, hey, like if it’s happening at the beginning of the relationship, but I also want to mention if it’s happening anytime in the relationship, because we always evolve and change.

Céline Remy 1:42
And no matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, if it’s not working for you, or if there are red flags, get the fuck out. That’s it. That’s the bottom line. But we’re going to tell you the red flags anyway. But before we get started, let’s give a shout out to our sponsor power and mastery.

Céline Remy 1:59
So if you want To join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men, you can learn to have harder, stronger erections last longer in the bedroom or expand your sexual skills. So go to power and mastery.com.

Kevin Anthony 2:21
All right, we’ve got a lot of things to go over here. So we’re gonna try to move through them somewhat quickly. Like I said in the intro, this was inspired by just having a conversation with a friend, as many of the topics that we talk about are inspired by other friends or clients. Some of the stuff we went out and we actually researched what do the experts say, you know, you go read articles all over the place Psychology Today, whatever, you know.

Kevin Anthony 2:50
And then there is what type of stuff do we hear on a regular basis from the people we hang out with from the people that we work with as clients and we just compiled these two big lists of the dating scene and the relationship scene.

Céline Remy 3:05
Yeah, we’ve got like 17 at each of them. So it’s going to be fun. I want to start with the dating scene and when the very first thing because dating has changed over the years, and now we tend to start dating through an online approach, first step. And so that’s where you can start to see the first red flags if you are on the dating scene. If the person that’s reaching out to you, who’s reaching out to you has a lot of grammar issues, it can be a really big red flag. And you know, you might be thinking Celine, why are you saying that?

Céline Remy 3:39
I mean, you’re so mean and judgmental, you know, number one, spell checks exist. So you got to be a retard to not use your spell checker. And number two, to me, it tells me that you don’t care and you don’t care about the little things because it’s about looking good when you’re online. It’s about selling yourself right for perspective. A relationship. And if you’re not putting in the effort, Did you really think that this person is going to put the toilet seat down? Or continue putting on the sexy outfits once you married?

Kevin Anthony 4:12
Yeah, so that’s the thing here is like, you know, we don’t expect everybody to have a spectacular grammar all though honestly, you should in your native language, you should. But what it really is, is more of a sign of either not caring or not paying attention to details,

Céline Remy 4:29
Number two, and that’s a one that’s you were telling our friends um, this is starting to look like a lot like red flags here.

Kevin Anthony 4:37
Yeah, so hers was slightly different, but I read what’s on the list, which is they only want nudes or sexting and aren’t generally interested in you, obviously, look, if all they want is for you to be sending them nudes or to have sexy conversations and don’t want to take the time to get to know who you actually are during the dating process, then that’s a red flag. Now, in the case of our friend, you know, we’re still dating rating amongst the global shut down as we speak, and this person was wanting to meet. And so she said, Well, obviously I don’t want to meet right now because we’re in quarantine.

Kevin Anthony 5:14
And he said, Well, okay, well I don’t want to talk to you until you can meet. They basically said, I’ll just hold on to your number and, you know, when you’re available or ready to meet, then we can talk and it’s like, wait a minute, if you were genuinely interested in getting to know somebody, you would say, Okay, well, let’s take this time to have some conversations. You know, let’s get on a FaceTime or zoom or Skype or whatever system it is you use, and let’s get to know each other now while we can’t go out, but that’s not at all he was just like, Alright, well, when we can meet in person, so most likely, he just wants sex.

Céline Remy 5:50
Absolutely. And by the way, if you just want sex, it’s always totally fine. We always want to bring this up like, we’re not judgmental of that. I think, you know, there’s a time and place for everything. You just have to be clear. So here we’re looking more at people who don’t want to have a hookup. This is what people who are looking for a relationship.

Kevin Anthony 6:07
Well, here’s the real reason why that’s a red flag, though is, if all you really want is sex, you just have to be upfront about, you have to say, you know what, I was really just looking for a hookup. And since we can’t do that, then you know, maybe, maybe we can do it sometime in the future. The point is, is that he’s not being

Céline Remy 6:26
honest. Absolutely. Number three, the person cancels plans last minute. And this is very interesting, we live in California, and there’s something called California dating. I don’t know if you’ve heard of that. But it’s a very, very annoying behavior that people will say yes to something unless there is something more appealing to them that then shows up and therefore then they cancel that last minute. Now anyone can have an emergency.

Céline Remy 6:56
Anything can happen last minute where you have to change But if it’s something that happens several times, and you start to see, oh, I chose to go out dancing rather than meeting with you just because the party was going to be better than meeting you. That’s not good enough. I’m sorry.

Kevin Anthony 7:12
Yeah. What am I that generally means when this happens, not always, but what it generally means is they’re they’ve got three or four different people, maybe even two, whatever it is, they’ve got more than one person that they’re attempting to scheduled dates with, and they pick the one that they think is going to be the best chance of getting laid. That’s, that’s really what it comes down to.

Kevin Anthony 7:33
Right. So if they keep changing on you, and like rescheduling, and trying to make it seem like oh, it’s generally because they put out three or four messages, and they start getting them in at different times, you know, and it’s like, they don’t hear from the one they want to hear from so they schedule with you. And then they do hear back from that person. They’re like, Oh, sorry, I can’t make it right because they got a better offer.

Céline Remy 7:53
Sorry, I don’t want to be somebody’s second choice. And by the way, this has happened to me when I was in a poly relationship and having like different lovers, and one of them that I was interested in going further, he thought he was new to Bali and he was like, Ah, this is going to be a sure thing. We’re going to score. So he made this date with me.

Céline Remy 8:14
I made it very clear that until all of my lovers were knowing about the relationship and get had given me the gift like okay, approval, we were not going to have sex. And suddenly the last minute, he canceled the date. I literally called him up on it. He did acknowledge later that because he knew he wasn’t going to be having sex

Kevin Anthony 8:37
A long time later. Yeah, exactly.

Céline Remy 8:39
He was like he chose somebody else. Well, he knew it was a sure thing. So

Kevin Anthony 8:42
he still regrets that one.

Céline Remy 8:44
That is true. Okay, let’s move on to our number four. We’re looking again at our dating profiles here and I think can give us a lot of information. Pay attention to the photos and profile information that the person is giving you. Are they lacking information Just a bunch of pictures and there’s no substance behind it. Does it look too good to be true? Or do you see their picture with several different names scammer and I know that this can happen both ways?

Céline Remy 9:19
Especially for the woman if she’s like super hard and good looking. That’s usually the type of images that they will go for. And so there’s no like a lot of friends around or other information. I’m like okay, below we have it’s like it. I know as a guy like, I want to have this really hot, gorgeous babe as a friend or potential relationship, but make sure you look further. And as a woman, make sure to that if he is like, reaching out and then you’re starting to see that he’s got different names or that he’s not consistent with his name. It’s a freaking scammer.

Kevin Anthony 9:56
Yeah, well, first of all, if they seem way out of your league. They’re just probably not real. Right, that let’s be honest there. And but there’s a couple of different things. So one is scammers, right? There are definitely scammers out there. There was a whole other podcast that you were listening to at one point about how these guys scam women out of all their money. So that’s a possibility. But the other thing is, even if they’re not a scammer, what you want to be careful about is people who are pretending to be one thing online but in reality or something else.

Kevin Anthony 10:30
So what you want is you want people that make profiles that are genuine, that actually attempt as best you can in an online profile, to explain or show something about who they genuinely are not some made-up thing. So that’s, that’s the thing. And by the way, we did an entire episode on how to create a great online dating profile. So if you want any tips on how to do that for yourself, go find that episode.

Céline Remy 10:54
So you kind of talked about number five there, Kevin because it’s like what they put on mine or who they show up, as are different people. And so this is that granted that you’ve made the step to meet in person, and then you starting to see the holes in the story. And when you see holes, like don’t try to patch them together, just acknowledge that there are gaps, and you are not the person who is supposed to put this back together.

Kevin Anthony 11:22
Yeah, you know, the interesting thing about early on in a relationship is is people get that, you know, new relationship energy that they call NRT, and they’re all excited, and this could be so cool. And they’re all these things that sound great or look great, right on the surface. So much so that most people tend to overlook the gaps. Mm-hmm. The problem is, is that you can only overlook the gaps for so long and eventually the gaps become glaringly obvious.

Kevin Anthony 11:48
And so we’re in the dating world, but you really want to try to do is see all the gaps right up front, and some of the guests might have perfectly logical explanations. Mm-hmm. And a bunch of them. Probably don’t

Céline Remy 12:00
And remember that nobody’s perfect, right? If it looks too good or so good, that might be something underneath. So it’s also important. Number six on our list is if the person tends to be negative, and again show up in different ways, you know, they might be always complaining when you meet them or talk to them or they have like anger issues or depression.

Céline Remy 12:25
And not to say that don’t get involved with somebody who’s not balanced but think twice because like, let them do the work, let them heal and then you know, be there for them. But don’t try to think that you’re going to be the healer and make them whole because it doesn’t work.

Kevin Anthony 12:42
Yeah, don’t try to fix them. And you know, we’ll say this again later on, but don’t date them for their potential. Right. So the thing is, Kevin,

Céline Remy 12:49
you jumped around, usually, I’m the one who does that. What happened there,

Kevin Anthony 12:55
everybody, we’d be coming back to that one. But the point is, is that if they’re bad from the start like you literally just meet this person, whether it’s online dating or whatever, and things are already bad. This is not a good way to start and don’t think that you’re gonna fix them. Right? So it’s one thing is if these things happen while you’re in a relationship, you want to support the person. What you said actually is really, really great.

Kevin Anthony 13:19
And I’ve actually been in this position before, but it’s like, you can look at somebody and you can see that they’re not in a good place. It’s okay to say, you know what, when you’ve taken care of whatever you need to take care of reach out to me again. You might even say, hey, you know, as a friend, I can support you in taking care of what you need to take care of, but I’m not going to get deeply, romantically sexually involved with you until you’re coming from a good place.

Kevin Anthony 13:50
And this is something that we, unfortunately, see way too many people do. We have a friend who has a terrible habit of this. Every guy she dates is in some sort of a messed up crazy, you know, situation. And then they always turn out horrible, but of course, they do.

Céline Remy 14:07
Right? look for the signs. Number seven. So now that we are on our journey, like put on the little detective hats and start to like piece things together, how do they talk about the access? Do they describe all of them as crazy? Or the horrible ex-wife or whatever that is like, what words are they using? Because, you know, there is one thing that all of these people have in common. It’s that person.

Kevin Anthony 14:37
Yeah, yeah, exactly. So it’s exactly what I was just gonna say. We just was the common denominator here, right? You got five x’s, and somehow they’re all crazy. But no, you’re the same one. Right? Like, what are the chances of that? So, I mean, technically that is possible because you could just be really bad at choosing your partners like we have another friend is terrible at choosing partners. So that’s a possibility.

Kevin Anthony 15:01
But it’s, it’s definitely a red flag you would want to look into because, you know, here’s the thing. I’m not expecting everybody to necessarily be able to do this. But I am friends with every single ex-partner I’ve ever had. In fact, practically every girl I’ve ever dated is on my Facebook somewhere, right? Because over the years, they’ve all reached out or I’ve reached out or whatever. And the idea that just because I mean, some of them, you know, some of them have cheated on me. Some of them they’ve done all kinds of stuffing, all that kind of stuff that happened.

Kevin Anthony 15:34
I don’t hold a grudge towards any of them. And actually, I really enjoy having them as friends. Now, it’s interesting to see how our lives have gone in such different directions and all these different people and stuff. But, again, not to say that you have to be friends with every one of your exes. But the idea is, the majority of your past relationships should at least be in some sort of a decent place. You don’t have to be friends, you’d have to hang out all the time. But if all of the exes are crazy, like, don’t go there, like don’t even talk to them, like run in the other direction. That’s a big red flag.

Céline Remy 16:07
Right? And number eight, they say the right thing, but they don’t do the right thing. And so this is a very important one because it’s easy to get fooled, especially for maybe the woman where we want romance and it’s easy to talk about romance or be like a warm, romantic or do this. But once they show up, they don’t act anything like who they say or what they mentioned. And it goes both ways. She might say, Oh, it’s okay. You can have so many friends and you can have girlfriends.

Céline Remy 16:37
And as soon as you talk to another woman, she’s like, don’t do that. You know, so like pay attention. What they say what they do, does it match if it doesn’t? This is called cognitive dissonance and it says like, run away. really far really fast.

Kevin Anthony 16:56
Yeah, that’s true in a relationship to not just when you’re dating. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 16:59
Well, we get close to getting into that meeting phase. He’s already starting, you know, to look at that. Number nine is the attitude. So now we’re starting to like, obviously, you’ve had more than a date now you together, I mean, at least dating or flirting and stuff and you’re seeing the attitude changes on a dime. It’s when they’re very volatile. That’s a big red flag.

Kevin Anthony 17:21
Yeah, absolutely. That’s just that shows instability. And the problem I’ve been in, I’ve really been in one of those relationships. It’s horrible. The problem is, you never know what you’re gonna get. Mm-hmm. Right, and there’s no predictability. And it’s like, you know, even when you think you’ve done absolutely everything, right, all of a sudden, the crazy-ass person shows up in the relationship and you’re like, what the hell just happened? It’s a big red flag.

Kevin Anthony 17:51
The thing is unless they do something unless they really do some work unless they seek help for it in one way or another. Other, it’s probably not ever going to change. And you don’t want to go through an entire relationship

Céline Remy 18:05
roller coaster,

Kevin Anthony 18:06
roller coaster and walking on eggshells, right, like treading very lightly all the time, because you never know what’s going to set this person off. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 18:16
Number 10. Are they showing appropriate social behavior? And so that’s also important, like once you go in public, how do they behave? Are you embarrassed, you shouldn’t be embarrassed by your partner. Really?

Kevin Anthony 18:28
That’s why I put this one on the list because it’s like inappropriate social behavior, who’s to say what inappropriate is and what inappropriate? Isn’t? You know, I mean, yeah, obviously, like, taking the dump in the middle of the street or something’s inappropriate, right?

Céline Remy 18:41
in San Francisco. it’s legal.

Kevin Anthony 18:42
It’s legal there now. Wonderful. But that’s actually why I use that as an example because that’s what was in my mind. But the point is exactly what you said which is you should not feel embarrassed by your partner and if you do, that is a big red flag that You’re not with the right person. Because even if maybe society thinks that that behavior is inappropriate if you’re over there laughing your ass off thinking that’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen, well then that’s probably okay. You’re probably a good match.

Céline Remy 19:16
Okay, the more you want to look at communication here on number 11 is about the never past communication one on one. So as you are setting the ground rules, the interaction like, Is there like a total like strain in the communication and you constantly like not understanding each other? Or do they not show up with respect or like, decent communication ability, if they don’t have that don’t even bother.

Kevin Anthony 19:41
Yeah, if you’re, if you’re struggling to communicate from day one, it’s going to be a very difficult and long relationship. It doesn’t mean everybody communicates perfectly and you can always tune things up. But if somebody is going to be the right one for you, you should at least be able to communicate fairly efficiently. And fairly well, right from the beginning, and then you can work on making it even better.

Céline Remy 20:07
Absolutely. And we’re gonna move on to our number two off because we still have the end the relationship.

Kevin Anthony 20:13
Yeah, we got to go a little faster, maybe.

Céline Remy 20:15
So if they show up, and they have no work ethic, that’s also usually a red flag, you know, maybe granted, they’re not in the right job and stuff. But ethic has different ethics and morals and values, you want to look for that if they don’t have enough of that. They’re not worth your time.

Kevin Anthony 20:31
And you want to make sure they match yours.

Céline Remy 20:34
Absolutely. Now look at their relationship with their parents, are they clingy to their parents? Do you want to date a child? Or do you wanna have an adult?

Kevin Anthony 20:44
Alright, so this is a tricky one because a lot of people are gonna say, but I’m really I love my parents. I’ve done really close to them. And it’s, there’s no problem with that. What’s wrong with you people? And it’s like, no, we’re not saying that. If you’re close with your parents, it’s a problem. That’s not what we’re saying at all. But I’m sure most of you have probably known Somebody who is like, they could be 40 years old, but it’s still like they’re the child, right?

Kevin Anthony 21:07
They’re still they still look to their parents to make every decision. They spend ridiculous amounts of they take group vacations, you know, with their parents and like, everything is with their parents. And yeah, again, I don’t want to say that’s bad, because I think it’s amazing when a family actually stays together through generations and does things together, but you’ll know you’ll be able to feel when it’s too much. Mm-hmm,

Céline Remy 21:30
absolutely. So now that you are establishing this relationship, if they’re starting to rush too quickly into a new relationship, that could be a red flag to like, hey, let’s get married or let’s move in after two days of knowing each other. You know, I got married after three weeks, and I got divorced five years later.

Kevin Anthony 21:50
So we also know multiple friends, yes, who they met, and they instantly had these whirlwind relationships and they Everything just went boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom really fast. They’re very vocal about it across social media. Everybody was like, This is amazing. You guys rock we’re so envious, like, awesome. And then they all fell apart.

Céline Remy 22:14
Yes. Now let’s look at a couple of things too, is around your compatibility because before you go too much into a relationship you want to look, is there a sex drive like similar to yours or is it much higher and much lower or much lower? You want to adjust you want to make sure that you’re getting into something that feels that that’s what you want. Talk about the things that matter like kids are there no kids or a kid person? Don’t think you’re going to change them don’t think that down the road, they’re going to probably have a different opinion.

Céline Remy 22:46
Trust, take it to face value. If they say no kids, that’s what you getting. And if that’s what you want, that’s perfect. If that’s don’t engage with that person. I know somebody he waited 10 years and his wife get Yes, yes, I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll do it in 10 years and he finally divorced. And then he found another woman. Now they’ve got like four kids. And that’s to say that it doesn’t matter. As he waited, they like kind of love each other and all of this, but still, she didn’t want that.

Céline Remy 23:15
And now they start to talk about changing you. That’s a big red flag. Do you need to change? Or do you need to do that if she gives you a big 10 things list that you need to change in order to be in a relationship?

Kevin Anthony 23:28
Get out, get get out.

Céline Remy 23:34
And so I’m gonna come back to my bottom line that you already have. Give it to us. Here’s your line. The bottom line is don’t date somebody for their potential.

Kevin Anthony 23:44
It never works out. Well. Never, never, never. I’ve never seen a case where somebody was like, but they have so much potential. And then it worked out. I’ve never seen it. I mean, it might have happened here or there, but trust me It’s not a good idea.

Céline Remy 24:01
Absolutely. And ultimately, if you look down the road and I’m always asking my clients, if you put yourself down the road like two or three years and nothing has changed in your relationship, could you say that you are really happy and satisfied? If not, do the things that you need to do to change yourself or change the relationship?

Kevin Anthony 24:18
That’s absolutely Hey, I’m gonna do something crazy today. Yeah, go for it. I’m gonna read the ad, go for it. I don’t have it memorized as well as she does, but it’s time for a word from our sponsor. So if you are longing for more connection, deeper intimacy and red hot passion in your relationship, if you’re if you are a committed couple who loves each other but has lost the spark and has fallen into a boring routine, we have a special invite for you, the two of us, meaning Celine and myself.

Kevin Anthony 24:49
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Céline Remy 25:24
Whoo. So, let’s dive into the red flags while in a relationship. Mm-hmm. And so, let’s look at the basics here. If you have an inability to resolve conflicts, you can have the communication. This is a massive red flag because there’s going to be things that come in where there’s going to be times you’re going to disagree and if you don’t have the ability to resolve this if you hold grudges, resentment, and you have to carry that conflict for 10 years on your back, it’s really not worth it.

Kevin Anthony 25:57
Yeah, yeah, we had another friend too. was in a relationship at a particular time. And well, so her partner actually had somebody who had those wild mood swings. But they could, whenever one of those happens, they could never actually resolve it. Eventually, it would just kind of like fizzle out and go away. But it was never truly resolved. As a big problem.

Céline Remy 26:22
If you have your partner yourself or your partner really is about having controlling behavior, or there’s, you experience a lack of trust, this is a red flag. You know, I think in a relationship trust is really what it’s the foundation of a solid relationship if you don’t have that can build a strong relationship.

Kevin Anthony 26:42
Yeah, no, trust is huge. I mean, when it comes to intimate relationships, it’s all about trust. Yeah. When the trust isn’t there, the relationship really isn’t there. I want to do number three, okay. They are incapable of apologizing. I wanted to do this when I was in a relationship where my partner was absolutely incapable of ever apologizing or ever admitting that she was wrong? And the times like, you know, sometimes in conflict, it’s hard to say who’s really right and who’s really wrong.

Kevin Anthony 27:12
Like both people had a hand in it, you know, but there were a couple of times throughout that relationship where I flat out called her out on it, and she knew it. And you want to know how she handled it. She just zipped up and moved on and pretended like it never even happened. It’s Yeah, and I’m over there going like what? So you know, that’s really destructive again, because of it resentment, resentment will build over time over time. It’s like, wow, like, every time that she’s out of line, she never admits it.

Kevin Anthony 27:50
She never says anything. Every time I get a little bit more resentment, a little bit more resentment, a little bit more resentment. It goes both ways. It’s not her him. It’s like whoever’s doing it in the relationship.

Céline Remy 28:00
Number four is you don’t feel like you can be fully yourself. And that’s huge because I think in a relationship, you basically need to become a better version of yourself. And if you’d like, it feels like you never can be yourself. You’re not in the right relationship. It has a massive, massive red flag. I don’t think it’s ever going to change.

Kevin Anthony 28:20
Hey, you know, what’s cool about our relationship? Now, tell me, haha, when we very first started dating, I was like, I had some preconceptions of who I thought you were. Mm-hmm. And I was like, well, there’s certain things that I like to do or certain ways that I am that she’s not gonna like because she’s really not like that like she’s gonna have a judgment about it or whatever.

Kevin Anthony 28:42
And the really fucking cool thing is that the longer we were together, the more who I really am started to come out, the more you actually loved it, and there were a bunch of things that I thought she would never like that like she’s probably running the other direction if she knew that, right? When you found out you were like, not only is it okay, but you were like, I love that,

Céline Remy 29:04
or I was like me too.

Kevin Anthony 29:06
Exactly, exactly. That’s awesome.

Céline Remy 29:10
Now, when you’re in a relationship, it’s also important to listen to your friends. If your friends and family members have expressed concerns about your partner or your relationships, they might have some deeper understanding in there that you’re not able to see. And I’m not saying that they always right, but if there’s more than one person that’s talking about it and saying, Hey, this is not really the relationship. They might be right.

Céline Remy 29:36
It’s hard for people to see really when you’re in a relationship, and I’m talking for myself here, I had that happen, you know, especially with one of my first relationship and my parents hated him. And of course, you know, I was like 19 or 20. So it’s like,

Kevin Anthony 29:50
Parents, what do they know?

Céline Remy 29:51
Exactly, but, now I’m like, the more they hate him the more I’m gonna stay with him. And this is why I lasted over a year.

Kevin Anthony 29:58
You rebel.

Céline Remy 29:59
Absolutely. But I know now from past, from looking back at the relationship, all the things they could see that I wasn’t willing to really pay attention to. And they were showing those things to me

Kevin Anthony 30:14
well, so when we talked about overlooking the gaps early on because of the new relationship energy, so other people don’t have that new relationship energy so they can see the gaps. But the other thing is, it’s always easier to see the third party, right. So somebody on the outside, it’s really easy for them to see that’s why working with somebody else helps you so much. Because when the two of you are in it in your relationship, it’s really hard to step outside of that.

Kevin Anthony 30:39
Somebody comes in from the third point of view, and they can see all those patterns and they’re not involved in it emotionally. And that’s, that’s one of the real benefits to that dynamic. So friends and family members. Yeah, great pay attention. They’re not always right, but they can have some really genuine insight.

Céline Remy 30:56
Now pay attention to if your partner is trying to drive a wedge between you and your family. friends and they like you can see this person I don’t talk to that are like creating stories and driving people like against one another. That’s another really big red flag. Because again, you know, if they don’t, it comes back to the trust. Remember that we talked about at the beginning, if they don’t trust you to have friends even if they have the opposite sex then

Kevin Anthony 31:20
well and let’s be honest, a healthy functioning relationship. Both individuals in the relationship have their own friends, they go out on girls nights or guys nights and they do their own thing. That is a healthy functioning relationship. So if somebody is trying to drive a wedge between you and trying to get you to stop hanging out with your friends, unless they’re like, drug addicts are really horrible people.

Kevin Anthony 31:41
Other than that, if they’re trying to do that to you, then the most likely you’re not going to end up in a healthy situation. Hmm.

Céline Remy 31:50
Now if they make okay there’s another one Okay, drama queen drama.

Kevin Anthony 31:58
Okay, so how many people Raise your hands. Right, and we’re looking we’re watching how many people like being in a relationship that’s full of drama? Huh? Oh, crickets. Yeah, I didn’t see a single hand go up. What’s wrong with you people? Know. But that’s the point is nobody likes to be in a relationship. That’s nonstop drama.

Kevin Anthony 32:20
Like there’s enough drama in this world. You want drama to turn on the TV, right? It’s a nonstop drama all day long. Nobody wants the relationship before the drama. So if somebody is constantly creating drama in the relationship, that is a definite red flag.

Céline Remy 32:36
Yes. Now if they demand your phone, email, social media passwords, you know, and they kind of want to have access to everything. And I’m going to put this as a word of caution because I actually asked for like, Hey, can I have access to your phone? Because at some point, I needed to have access to your camera and stuff and it wasn’t like to spy on things. It just was like, yeah, here’s my phone. Phone, here’s your phone. Like it’s like, whatever, you know, but here’s the thing is that it’s all about trust,

Kevin Anthony 33:05
right? Actually, you’re the only person I’ve ever given access to that stuff. But you demonstrated that I could absolutely no matter what, trust you that you weren’t gonna freak out or go crazy. You’re like, where did this phone call come from? You know, like, for me, it’s all about trust.

Céline Remy 33:26
Where are we at here? Okay. I like this one. Number nine, they pressure you to do things you don’t want to do or be someone you don’t want to be. That’s huge. You know, and I think there’s a fine line between pushing you to become the greatest version of yourself versus pushing you to do things that don’t feel that are in alignment with who you truly are.

Kevin Anthony 33:47
Absolutely. I had another friend years ago. I was my partner at the time, and I was friends with another couple. And they were really fun. We really liked hanging out with them. But he that he came from the swinging world, and he was really trying to push her into being a swinger. And it just did not work for we weren’t hanging out with him in the swinging world. We just knew that about them that that’s, that’s part of who they were.

Kevin Anthony 34:14
And not that there’s any judgment on that at all. But yeah, she just inevitably, that relationship didn’t work out because she wasn’t really a swinger at heart. And he was and he kept trying to push her outside of her comfort zone into this swinging world, and it just didn’t work for her. Mm

Céline Remy 34:30
hmm. You know, number 10. And this is a big one, they have different financial values and you and you refuse and they refuse sorry to do anything about it, or they have financial reverse irresponsibility.

Kevin Anthony 34:43
Do you know what the number one reason for divorces Money, money, finances, right? I mean, it’s sad that that’s the way it has to be. But the reality is, is that is the truth. When you look at statistics on divorce, the reason that people cite for their divorce the number one thing on the list is money.

Céline Remy 35:03
So I’ve been in a relationship where we had very different financial perspectives. I have to say it’s a big strain. And being in this relationship with you, Kevin is so good because we behave the same. And that took a lot of the pressure and a lot of that, that latent stress away from the relationship. Find a way to at least align your values around, you know, you may not always approve of their spending, but at least the core values should be aligned.

Kevin Anthony 35:35
Yeah, absolutely. Next one on the list, they hold a double standard. So there are certain things that are perfectly okay for them to do, but not okay for you to do.

Céline Remy 35:47
be bad. Number 12. They refuse to make your relationship public.

Kevin Anthony 35:52
Oh, she’s, you know, and that should have been on the dating list as well. Like they don’t want to tell anybody that the two of you are dating. If they’re like, hey, You know, that’s not telling anybody we’re dating. It’s a little secret. The giant red flag, it’s a little secret and a giant red flag.

Céline Remy 36:10
Number 14, you don’t glow when you’re in this relationship, and especially at the beginning, it’s all about making you a better person. If that relationship makes you feel like shit, and you look like that,

Kevin Anthony 36:23
just don’t be in it. But you know, it’s even more subtle than that. Because, obviously, if you feel like shit, yeah, right. It goes without saying, but also, there are relationships that make you feel bad. Mm-hmm. There are relationships that are just kind of, you know, boring and middle, whatever. And then there are relationships that bring you alive, where you thrive and you feel like life is better because you’re in that relationship. Absolutely. That’s what you’re looking for. That’s what’s juicy.

Céline Remy 36:56
Number 14. Your partner constantly compares you to others. That’s a big red flag, whether you’re not good enough, or whatever that is, but it’s like they’re in a fantasy world, are they not happy with who you are, then you’re not the right person for them. And there’s nothing wrong with you.

Kevin Anthony 37:13
It’s because they didn’t listen to what you told them before, which is now they’re dating you for your potential, and they’re not happy about it.

Céline Remy 37:20
Another one is that your partner isn’t supportive of your goals. That’s huge. Because honestly, you’ve got to be each other’s best cheerleaders. And if you’re not, then what the heck are you doing with each other? Because there are enough haters in the world, everywhere else, your relationship should be this place of Haven, this place where you’re like, this is the place where you recharge where you, you, you, you find your strength. And so you need to know that you have their support no matter what.

Kevin Anthony 37:51
Absolutely. Let’s see 16 on the list. Did they try to push past your boundaries? Oh yeah. Anybody? that’s trying to push you past your personal boundaries, that is a big red flag. You know, it’s one thing to encourage somebody to break out of their little self imposed box, to be a bigger better person and to try new experiences. But if you’re not willing to do that, and they keep pushing you and trying to push you past that, that’s a problem.

Céline Remy 38:20
And our last one here is your partner is not there for you. And that’s huge. When something happens, you know, and you know, that in difficult times, are they still showing up? Are they still willing to be there? And if not, that’s not the right person, you know? And it’s okay. Sometimes you might be like, I don’t have the bandwidth to support you at this moment. Okay, we’re looking at the overall thing, not like a single moment, but this is really important.

Céline Remy 38:46
Does your partner have you back? If not, that’s a red flag. And ultimately, something in your guts feels wrong. That’s all that you need to listen to. And We put it as last because we wanted to end with this because you always know we’ve given you like 34 red flags here. And I’m sure that if you were very honest with yourself, you knew from the start, the more like the relationships that weren’t meant to be. I should do and have had several.

Kevin Anthony 39:19
In hindsight, we all did. We just didn’t listen.

Céline Remy 39:23
Exactly. So trust your gut, you know, if something’s off, it is off. It’s nothing wrong with you. Absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 39:32
Whoo, that was quite the list.

Céline Remy 39:35
That was a marathon.

Kevin Anthony 39:36
Yeah, it was so now you know, we always like to end our shows on like a happy positive vibe. Just know that every one of these red flags that we talked about, we also said what it should be so we kind of gave its positive spin while talking about them. There’s just not enough time to then go through 34 positive things. But you know what it is right you know if it’s your partner isn’t supportive of your goals.

Kevin Anthony 40:01
Very obviously the positive is to find somebody who supports your goals, right. And I think we did our best to cover the positive side of all of those. So take this list, be aware of the signs the flags, as as we say. And then and then when you see them, leave it and go search out the positive side of it. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 40:23
Yes. And don’t stay in something that doesn’t work because relationships are not meant to be hard and difficult relationships are meant to be easy, and a place of thriving.

Kevin Anthony 40:34
Absolutely. All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your

Céline Remy 40:52
friends. And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at selling remi.com forward slash vault That’s c e li n e r e ny.com/vault. Thanks for listening, and remember, you’re amazing