How To Deal With Mismatched Libido

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or a woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts Kevin Anthony, and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 91. And it is titled “How to deal with mismatched libido.” This is actually a subject that comes up a lot in couples. It’s something that we hear all the time from couples that we work with, either you know, he wants more sex or she wants more sex, but it’s just something that comes up so so often and so something just had an inspiration this weekend that This was something we needed to share with you all today.

Céline Remy 1:03
Yes, so we’ve got a lot of different things that we’re going to share with you from what causes lower libidos to solutions to dealing with it. And so it’s going to be a very juicy episode. But before we dive into it, let’s give a shout out to our sponsor power and mastery.

Céline Remy 1:20
If you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power in mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder stronger erections last longer or increases sexual skills there is going to be something for you at power and mastery.com.

Kevin Anthony 1:43
Alright, so what are we talking about here when we say mismatched libidos? What does that really mean?

Céline Remy 1:49
Well, it’s pretty simple is one person wants more sex than the other. Usually, it’s not just happened once but it’s over a period. of time. What I’m wanting to bring is that oftentimes people think, oh, he always wants more sex and women have a lower libido. And that is just not the case, a lot of people that we work with, she has a higher libido than he does.

Céline Remy 2:20
So things have changed. Maybe there was a time where women had lower libido. And I’m not even sure if that’s truly the case. Because if you look back in time in history, people had sex. People wanted sex, maybe they expressed it differently. But I believe that both men and women wanted sex.

Kevin Anthony 2:40
Yeah, I think the idea that it was men that always wanted more sex is you know, kind of what they call an old wives tale. You know, like it’s a myth that has existed for a long time. Probably because in the past, it wasn’t socially acceptable for women to say that they wanted sex all the time. So I think The women have always had a high sex drive.

Kevin Anthony 3:02
And I actually at some point, I want to do an episode that’s titled something similar to your ancestors had more sex than you or were kinkier than you or something like that. Because, you know, I like to read a lot of history stuff. And when I, when I dive into some of this stuff, I mean, we tend to think that all the modern times now are the craziest when it comes to sex, because we see it all over the TV. And it’s used to sell every product under the sun.

Kevin Anthony 3:30
But the reality is, is that in many ways, society is more prude now than it was several decades ago. And there are tons of historical examples of that. So someday, I think maybe just for fun, it’d be cool to do a whole show on that. I don’t want to go into that now. But I just wanted to say that this idea that it’s always the men that want more sex isn’t necessarily true.

Kevin Anthony 3:51
And have one more thing I want to add to that as well, which is that nowadays, we see it the opposite way around the lot where the woman actually wants more More sex than the men. But you know what we also see a lot in couples that we work with,

Céline Remy 4:06
do tell

Kevin Anthony 4:07
reverse polarity, where the woman is more in the masculine role and the man is more in the feminine role. I personally think that that has something to do with this.

Céline Remy 4:18
Yeah. But also one of the reasons why we tend to say all men have a higher sex drive or one sex more is because they may be more direct. They’ll talk about their clocks, they’ll talk about what they want, and bring it to sex, like, hey, let’s have sex, while the woman is going to be a little bit more like, let’s connect. But when she says let’s connect, it’s kind of code for sex for some, some woman not all the time, but it’s kind of what leads to going to sex.

Céline Remy 4:44
So then men kind of got the bad rap because they were more direct and saying let’s have sex, but in reality, both are seeking the connection. And this is really what we wanted to bring out. And so when we are talking about couples with mismatched libido. We are not saying he has more, she has less, she has more, he has less whatever that is it can appear in every combination possible. It’s also something that can happen throughout your relationship at a different time in life because we’re going to see at different causes of low libido.

Céline Remy 5:20
After childbirth for like massive things or death in the family or like big things that happen, it can take its toll on your sex drive. It’s very important to understand that oftentimes, it’s just a face, okay? So it’s not going to determine the rest of your relationship. However, if you don’t do something about it, it could set the course for the relationship.

Now, I wanted to bring one more case out there too, which is people that consider themselves asexual and it’s a fairly newer term that has been coined where basically asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by your persistence and lack of sexual attraction toward any gender.

Céline Remy 6:09
And what I wanted to say about this is that there are some people for whom it’s not important, they do not experience the sexual attraction. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want sex or can’t have sex. It simply means they don’t have that desire and attraction. And while we were researching this, I also learned that some people just learned that some days they feel neutral, or not like just like they never yes or no and they go like well when I feel neutral, that’s when I can have sex with my partner.

Céline Remy 6:45
And so you just need to know where you stand on that spectrum. Are you like a fully sexual being? What’s your perfect number? Or are you a sexual and to use sex doesn’t matter because you got to find The partner that matches your needs and desire.

Kevin Anthony 7:03
Yeah, and you know, I think it’s important to bring in the asexual piece because honestly, in most cases, this is going to be the outlier, right? So it’s kind of important to bring it up. Because if you don’t acknowledge that sort of the elephant in the corner, when you try to have this discussion, inevitably somebody is going to go, Yeah, but this person is asexual, or I’m asexual or whatever it is.

Kevin Anthony 7:27
And so it’s important for us to talk about it and say, Okay, yeah, there are some people that fall into that category, but honestly, they’re going to be the minority. They’re going to be the outlying cases, and they’re not what most people are going to experience.

Céline Remy 7:39
Absolutely. And they are still 1% of the population. And so if that’s you, it’s totally fine. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just need to find somebody who feels the same then you do. Otherwise, it’s going to be misery or someone who’s willing to just love you as you are and find ways to get their needs met in different ways which will Talk about in a little while.

Kevin Anthony 8:01
Yes.

Céline Remy 8:02
All right. So I want to bring up one more thing here. And now that we are talking about sex drives and libido, it’s something called the phases of sexual response. A lot of what we know about sex comes from masters and Johnson, you know, and this, while their studies were groundbreaking, and they brought a lot of light into our sexuality, they also like quite a bit of thing.

Céline Remy 8:27
These things were done in the 60s. And the model that they came up with was like, You have four phases of sexual responses. You have excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Whoo-hoo, super, not sexy, in my opinion.

Kevin Anthony 8:44
Well, they were scientists, right. No offense to all your scientists out there, but generally, you don’t tend to write things in a very sexy way. But, you know, the research they did was groundbreaking for sure. And it was only the beginning. I mean, in what area of research Have you ever seen Anything stays static for 60 years, which is about where we’re at now with some of this research, right? So they did great, groundbreaking stuff. And we’ve learned a lot in 60 years, and we’re progressing. And we’ve got new ideas now.

Céline Remy 9:12
Absolutely. We’ve evolved. So that particular model was failing, especially for a lot of women because it’s like, it’s hard sometimes to feel excited. They are kind of missing a big point here, which is desire. Also, this sexual response is not always linear. That’s very important to understand that because sometimes we’re like, well, if I don’t go ABC, you know, it’s like, no, maybe you go like c a b, you know, there’s a different way for you to feel aroused and sexual.

Céline Remy 9:47
And there’s a psychiatrist named Rosemary Basson. I’m not quite sure if I’m pronouncing her name, right. And she started to do this in like 1999, so 33 years ago. After masters in Johnson revisiting a few things, and she postulated that for many women, it is a desire for intimacy rather than for physical sexual release per se, that serves as the starting point of the sexual response cycle.

Kevin Anthony 10:16
Yes. And I think we need to clarify a little bit what we mean by desire, right? Because when most people hear desire, here’s what they think of, I feel a sensation in my genitals that makes me wants to have sex, right? That’s one indication of desire. But the other is, what if you’re not feeling horny at all? And you’re not actually wanting sex in any way.

Kevin Anthony 10:41
But you look at your partner and you go, you know, I’m not feeling it really like there’s no tingle down in the genital region. I’m not like, oh, let’s have sex. But I look at my partner and I love my partner and I still want to be able to have sex with them. That’s still a desire to want sex.

Céline Remy 10:59
Yeah, and it is the desire for connection and intimacy. That doesn’t mean penetration. And I think that’s also very important to understand that because again, it’s going to show up differently. She had a different model that I wanted to talk about rather than the four where she started with desire. So as Kevin mentioned, desire is not just a sensation in the groin area, it’s something between your ears, it’s, it’s a thought, it’s a desire to connect within your heart, or whatever way that it shows up.

Céline Remy 11:29
From there, it goes to arousal, arousal, you starting to maybe want to have sex, and then you move on to the physiological arousal. So for men, that’s going to show up in an erection, while for women usually, it’s going to show up as lubrication. And it’s also an erection but it’s inward so you don’t see it, but there are a swelling and a response that happens in the genitals.

Céline Remy 11:55
Then you come to orgasm and with satisfied Luckily, hopefully, and when we talk about this is like orgasm is really not our goal, per se. And what matters more is that satisfaction piece. And I think if we take orgasm out of the equation and make it about the connection and the intimacy more than anything else, it creates a deeper satisfaction.

Kevin Anthony 12:23
Yeah, if you’re listening to this show at all, ever, then you know that orgasm is not the goal.

Céline Remy 12:34
Absolutely. So another point that I want to bring is simply about understanding that we gotta just look at something when it comes to sex about what’s underneath. Because if you only desire for sex is to go and have an orgasm, which is fine. It’s not going to be sustainable when there’s hardship or when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, okay. You need to have deeper Why? What does sex provide for you? Okay?

Céline Remy 13:05
And that allows you to move past the difficult challenges which we are about to talk about the causes of the mismatch libido when something happens and makes it that you don’t really want to have sex. And if you know you cheaper, why do you not having sex to have an orgasm but you’re having sex, to cultivate the intimacy in your relationship, to relax your body to sync your energy with your partner to give to your partner, whatever that is, then it’s a much bigger motivator.

Kevin Anthony 13:37
Absolutely. So let’s talk about we have a list of causes. And then we have a list of solutions. We always like to end on the positive so we’ll start with the causes first. Number one on the list is STRESS.

Céline Remy 13:53
And it’s in CAPITAL. It really is because your body either makes cortisol or testosterone, but not both at the same time. When you have high stress, there’s low testosterone. Testosterone while being more of a male-dominant hormone is present also in women and you need to have enough to start around to have a sex drive. For men, it goes a little bit further, they need much more testosterone because testosterone also helps them have erections. But that’s the starting point. And stress is so so sneaky.

Kevin Anthony 14:31
Yeah, well, that’s why they call it the silent killer, right? Because you don’t even realize like I’m not stressed at all, everything’s fine, and then you realize just how stressed you are when your body breaks down. But I know for me personally, stress is the number one thing that kills my libido. And the second I can remove some of that stress and relax a little bit. I’m instantly horny again.

Céline Remy 14:51
Absolutely. And so having some understanding around what causes stress is going to be different for everyone. You know, for some, just having kids is variable stressful, and it should be. And for average, it’s that job or maybe it’s a financial situation. Or maybe it’s a physical illness that you’re experiencing. I mean, stress can show up in so many different ways.

Céline Remy 15:15
But it’s basically when you are more into your fight flight freeze, rather than in your rest digest like the parasympathetic nervous system. And it’s going to be tricky to figure out usually once you notice that you are stressed you’re way past the point of like, good. Like it’s too late. You are very, very stressed. All right, tell us about number two.

Kevin Anthony 15:42
Alright, so number two is low vitamin D levels. This is an interesting one. We’re both laughing because we both started this new vitamin D supplement. And we’ve supplemented with vitamin D for a long time but we just we had run out of the one we were using. We didn’t get a new one. The winter here lasted much longer than we expected it to.

Kevin Anthony 16:06
So finally, we decided it was time that we get back on that. We were both noticing like we didn’t even know that that low vitamin D had anything to do with your libido. We just noticed that we were like, unusually horny for a couple of days. And then we were researching this and we found that low vitamin D levels kill your sex drive, we’re like, oh, no wonder we just started this new stuff.

Céline Remy 16:33
And so, you know, you often feel hornier in the summer. And our theory was, well, you’re hornier because you’re naked more or you’re at least

Kevin Anthony 16:42
a little sure it’s a little toss-up, sir. You know, absolutely the beach and your bikini.

Céline Remy 16:48
But as it happens, it’s also because you produce much more vitamin D. So hey, you know, it’s a simple fix, get some vitamin D free transdermal it’s better that you apply on your skin because it’s hard to digest we will put a link in the description for you to find our favorite vitamin D supplements. It works. It does trust us. And number three is depression. And again, I think it’s very interesting because usually, people who are depressed have also like having with their hormones, their serotonins are off and dopamine.

Céline Remy 17:31
I mean everything is kind of like really off and I’m like, wow, it’s fascinating because which one comes first you depress and then any hormones get off balance? Or are you hormones of balance and then you become depressed or is it both of them like chicken egg chicken, like which one comes first? But when you are feeling blue, it definitely makes it much harder to get motivated to feel sexual.

Kevin Anthony 17:58
Yeah, for sure. Before is a chronic illness. So obviously if you have some sort of chronic illness, you’re probably not feeling very sexy or horny. So, you know, we’ll go into the cures for a lot of this stuff later on, but just so you know that that could potentially be a cause.

Céline Remy 18:18
Yes. And that’s why I think also when you experiencing chronic illnesses, you know, you need to have a lot of just compassion for yourself and compassion for your partner if it’s your partner too. And I think it has to have a really good discussion about, like, creating intimacy in a way that works, but that will be later.

Kevin Anthony 18:38
Yeah, both of those are on our list.

Céline Remy 18:40
Number five is of having sleep problems. And that’s huge because at night, that’s when your body gets to repair and rebuild and recharge and if you don’t sleep properly if you have like really low-quality sleep, or even things like sleep apnea, like a lot of things that inhibit the quality of your sleep and you can go deep into the deep sleep where the rest and rejuvenation happens. It will create again havoc in your body, which in terms will make it very difficult to feel like the high libido or a good sex drive.

Kevin Anthony 19:21
Yeah, on the thing with sleep problems is if you’re not sleeping well, it’s actually going to increase your stress level. Absolutely. So that’s

Céline Remy 19:28
absolutely. And then number six is alcohol and drug abuse. And, you know, like, it’s up to you to see where you are on the spectrum. But I think if you can spend a day without taking that substance, and when I say “drug”, it doesn’t have to be like, super, super duty drugs. It could be any of your common drugs, too much caffeine. Yeah, smoking a little too much weed. No states where it’s legal.

Céline Remy 19:58
Exactly. And all So you’ve got to remember that what you take, like medically speaking, even if it’s prescribed by your doctor, with a lot of those drugs have side effects. It’s very, very common for those things to create, like lots of other problems in the body and making a new layer one of the known side effects of the anti-depression medication is a low libido.

Céline Remy 20:24
Yes, absolutely. So and erection problems. Absolutely. So if that’s you, and you, you know, it might be something you want to talk about with your doctor and switch and find something else to I’m going to add one more that’s not on the list.

Kevin Anthony 20:37
And that is not being physically attracted to your partner. Hmm. Because, you know, sometimes we hear well, you know, and it’s not so much that I don’t want sex, but I’m not really physically attracted to this person. So it’s hard to build that desire up. So that’s another potential cause.

Céline Remy 20:55
Yeah, and I wanted to say that it’s not I shouldn’t justify all of it. Because there’s more than just a physical appearance has been in relationships with over 30 years difference, I can tell you that the men that our with they were not super sexy due to the age difference, let’s be honest, right? But I loved those men.

Céline Remy 21:18
And so I was still able to feel a deep heart connection and attraction even if physically I would not have said that they were the stallion of like my perfect men, right? And so it is possible to generate those feelings and not let that just be the cause of why you’re not having sex.

Kevin Anthony 21:36
Exactly. So, you gave the solution along with the cost.

Céline Remy 21:41
I read. So I am super excited about talking about the things that you can do because we have 10 things but before we do that, we have a special invite for you or listening. So if you are longing for more connection, deeper intimacy and red hot passion in your relationship and you are committed couples who love each other but have lost the spark and have fallen into a boring routine. We have a special invite for you.

Céline Remy 22:07
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Kevin Anthony 22:33
Absolutely.

Céline Remy 22:35
So CelineRemy.com/synergy.

Kevin Anthony 22:37
Let’s talk about some things that you can do to try to solve this problem of mismatched libido. Yes. Okay. So, number one is the acceptance that you aren’t meeting each other’s sexual needs. This also everything starts with like, okay, we’re going to identify the There’s a problem, right? So that’s basically what we’re saying here is that rather than the two of you just not getting along, and somebody’s building up resentment over it, like, you have to acknowledge that there’s an issue here. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 23:12
So that means you have to communicate. And sometimes it’s difficult to do just the two of us. So bringing in a neutral third party to help you communicate and express needs and be heard and seen, can really work. But that first piece without accepting and acknowledging that there’s something that’s not where you want it to be, you will never change. And that’s the hardest thing because once you acknowledge something, it’s easy to start to take different steps or do things differently.

Céline Remy 23:46
But if you’re still like hiding under the blanket, like I don’t want to say this, it’s too scary. You’re never going to go anywhere. And it also requires a lot of compassion and empathy not only for yourself, but your partner, and not being stuck in blame shame game, but just being we’re in this together because ultimately if you chose one another, then let’s work together.

Kevin Anthony 24:11
Yeah. So number two was to cultivate a healthy sense of empathy, right? So first, acknowledge that there’s a problem, they have understood because if you’re the one that wants a lot of sex and the other person isn’t, that’s usually where the person lacks on the understanding and the empathy, right? Because they’re like, but she, you’re but he and blah, blah, blah, right?

Kevin Anthony 24:30
So you have to have some empathy for where the other person is at. Maybe they have one of those causes that we talked about earlier in the show, and you need to have some empathy and go, Okay, I get it. I understand what they’re going through, and then how can we deal with that?

Céline Remy 24:48
And I also think that having empathy for Hey, that person has a higher sex drive. Like it’s okay to want sex a lot, just like it’s okay to not want sex. It. Just have to To have an understanding, and that’s really

Kevin Anthony 25:03
important. So then we come to number three on the list, which communicates with your partner about your needs. great segue, thank you.

Céline Remy 25:14
I’m not even reading and I’m like just diving into this. This is great. I love

Kevin Anthony 25:19
it. What’s cool is I made this list too, and you’re just going without even reading it and you’re covering all the things on the list. So you got you’ve got to communicate with your partner, right? communicate that there is a problem, communicate that you understand as best you can, where the person at, communicate to them what your actual needs are, communicate to them possible solutions for how you think that you could have your needs met or have their needs met.

Céline Remy 25:47
And I want to say communicate about what you want. Because there is another big elephant in the room here. Maybe the other person doesn’t want sex because they’re not liking the sex or getting

Kevin Anthony 25:57
and put that on the list of causes. The sex they get is bad.

Céline Remy 26:04
And over time people will shut down if they’re not getting the kind of sex they want. But then once you’ve been in a relationship for several years, and you’re like, it’s really hard to say, I’ve been faking orgasms, you know, or like, I’m not satisfied or whatever, because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. However, I think it’s not.

Céline Remy 26:23
The faking the orgasms is not really the cause, like what’s underneath is you’re not asking for what you want. what’s underneath is you’re not speaking up. And this is what, rather than focusing on Oh, I’ve been lying on nothing. The full truth is like I’ve been holding back. I want to become better at saying when I want something different, and can we both together, go create something. And also, let’s redefine sex, a little bit

Kevin Anthony 26:52
on it. Don’t go too far. Not jumping. We got 10 things on the list and you’re blowing through them all in five minutes. Okay. I’m gonna, I’m going to slow you down, breathe. It’s further down on the list. So let’s just talk about number four because it has a lot to do with the communication piece. Okay? And it’s about knowing what your sex number is. So Seth Meyers, who society he wrote in Psychology Today, I’ve learned from counseling countless men and women that everyone needs to know what I call their sex number.

Kevin Anthony 27:25
Simply put on a scale of one to 10. How sexual Do you consider yourself? I use a simple one to 10 scales frequently when working with clients to help them figure that out. So that’s what you’re talking about with your needs, right? It’s important to understand because you just say, I want more sex. What does that mean? Exactly? Does that mean like, it would be great if you had sex one more time this week? Or does it mean it would be great if you had sex every day that week, and if you and your partner don’t understand what you’re talking about, you’re not on the same page, so to speak?

Kevin Anthony 27:56
They’re going to have a terrible time communicating. There’s going to be misunderstandings. All over the place, right? So it’s important to know, what are your needs? On a scale of one to 10? how satisfied are you? How do you have to go? Do you have to get your relationship from one all the way up to a 10? Or do you only have to go from an eight to a 10?

Céline Remy 28:14
Mm-hmm, the solutions are going to be very different based on what that number is. And so number four on the list, just know what that number is for each of you in the relationship. So you know, what the gap is that you have to bridge. And it’s very interesting, too, because when we work with couples, we always have them do that separately.

Céline Remy 28:31
Like if you had it all your way, what would be your ideal amount of sex that you’d be having in a week or a month, like whatever works, and you know that what I’ve found is a lot of couples actually have the same needs like very close in their numbers, even though they might feel sexually frustrated. They kind of both want the same thing, but they’re trying to get at it in ways that are not working. But it’s always like eye-opening for them because we have them, share separately.

Céline Remy 29:01
Then we bring the numbers to them, then they go like, Oh, you said five. Me too. Or you said four? Oh, it’s just one time difference, you know? And they go like, oh, wow, like suddenly, there’s a lightness in the room and an understanding. And it really helps to know that.

Kevin Anthony 29:17
Absolutely. And so we’ve got six more to do. So I’m gonna move through these a little bit faster since we’re already at half an hour in this episode. Number five, slow down and try to focus on the experiences that have worked in the past. So there are times most likely when you have felt the desire to have sex and you have actually had sex. To reverse engineer that basically what happened what did you do? How did you get there?

Céline Remy 29:44
Mm-hmm. Another very interesting point for female listeners. I don’t know about you, but for me, desire is very fleeting. And sometimes I go like, Oh my gosh, I feel it right now. And I really had to tell Kevin like when I say that, I mean, it’s right now. If you have 10 minutes or an hour, I cannot guarantee. And granted we can’t always do this in the moment and stuff. But if there is an opportunity, like when there is a right now, like drop everything and play with that desire, ignite that fire or do something with it.

Kevin Anthony 30:18
Yeah. And of course, the other thing we always say is that you don’t really have to have the desire, you can create it. You just have to get started.

Céline Remy 30:26
Absolutely. Getting started is so, so, so important. So how do you get started? Do you put it in your calendar?

Kevin Anthony 30:36
Yeah, that’s a great way. Yes. Because

Céline Remy 30:38
if it’s not scheduled, it’s not going to happen. And like we’ve talked about it in many episodes, it doesn’t mean it has to end in penetration. It could just be right nakedness. And we’ll talk about this more I see on Kevin’s.

Kevin Anthony 30:51
That’s right when we get to that we will dive in a little bit more about expanding what you mean by sex. Number six Get in touch with your own body as opposed to relying on your partner for physical stimulation. So, yeah, so, so what we’re saying here is like, okay, one person wants more sex than the other. But how can you take some responsibility?

Kevin Anthony 31:17
Like, let’s say, let’s say, I’m the one that wants a lot more sex. She’s like, well, you know, like, 20 minutes is fine with me, then I’m out. And I’m like, I’m just getting warmed up at 20 minutes, right? Well, how can I maybe take responsibility for that myself and say, Okay, if I want an extra 10 minutes, what can I do? Right?

Céline Remy 31:36
But I also think it means about knowing your body, how do you get to pleasure? How do you get to orgasms by yourself? What are the things that work on yourself, and you can just expect your partner to know all your heart zones, you can guide your partner so then we coming back to what we talked earlier about asking for what you want, if you don’t know what feels good and what you want can be really hard and nobody is going to hand that to you?

Céline Remy 32:01
You have to discover that for yourself. Absolutely. So number seven is all about respecting each other’s bodies and boundaries. It’s a huge, huge part of navigating and libido mismatch. Okay? So no one and this is really important guys, no one should ever do have to do anything they don’t want to. And everyone has a right to say no. But there are also times in which collaborating and communicating about what would work is a better idea than shutting someone down with a flat out. Not tonight, honey.

Kevin Anthony 32:37
Right? There are much nicer ways to say that you didn’t like that idea so much. But maybe there are some other ideas that would work.

Céline Remy 32:45
One of the things that we do is rather than saying no is to say, well, that’s, that’s a great idea, but here’s what I would love. Or you can say no and say, you know, I’m not excited by that, but here’s what excites me. So always say something else. And even if it’s just, I would just love to hold hands and breathe together. Like it doesn’t matter what that is. Always bring something that you are really a yes to. And start from there.

Kevin Anthony 33:14
Yeah, well, because if both people aren’t a yes to it, it’s just gonna create more resentment, right? And it’s actually going to decrease the chances that next time they’re going to want to have sex, right? So you know, it doesn’t matter whether it’s the guy or the girl, the person who wants more sex needs to do things that increase the chances and likelihood of getting more sex.

Kevin Anthony 33:35
So if you do something that you know is the other person is not going to like well that’s going to decrease the chances that they’re going to be up for the next time because the next time you’re gonna go wow, yeah, let’s have sex ago. Man last time you made me do blah, blah, blah. And I really didn’t like that like it’s instantly gonna kill the mood. So huh?

Céline Remy 33:55
So number nine here. Let’s go back.

Kevin Anthony 33:57
Oh, we’re finally getting to your

Céline Remy 33:59
I know this is um,

Kevin Anthony 33:59
Number eight.

Céline Remy 34:02
It’s nice. It’s expanding. What have you? All right? Well, for some reason, I have a different list, but who cares? You know, note sharing is weird. But anyway, expanding what each of you means by sex. And this is what I was talking about earlier. Because it can be really helpful too, to find a happy medium, you know, sex doesn’t always need to have to be penetration, it can be anything you want it to be from kissing, oral sex, BDSM holding.

Céline Remy 34:32
I mean, it’s like whatever increases the intimacy and keeps you connected. And this is essential because I think one of the biggest problems that couples do is saying, Oh, we have a mismatched libido we don’t have sex and we don’t even touch anymore. And it’s like now, touch, kiss, love on each other. Keep that going, because that’s the base of it. And without it, you’re never going to come to a place of having a desire that’s matching, but with having that touch, it’s still there. And that can There is a chance for more.

Kevin Anthony 35:02
Absolutely. So expanding what you consider sex is really important in a situation like this because there could really be ways for you to get your needs met that are different than what you thought in your mind. Now that of course, also brings us to the next one on the list, which is rethinking monogamy. Okay? So you know, this is further on down the list because for most people, this might be a little too challenging for them.

Kevin Anthony 35:29
But here’s the thing. If you have one person in a relationship, that is just like, you know, this is where I’m at either they’ve got a medical condition, and they just physically can’t do it. Or they’ve just decided that that’s not what they want to do anymore. Like they’re in a different phase of their life, whatever it is if they’ve decided that this just isn’t something that they can do, but now you’ve got the other person in the relationship going.

Kevin Anthony 35:53
Well, okay, great, but then what happens about my knees do I just have to suffer the rest of the time Know, a possible solution is to rethink monogamy find ways for both people to get their needs met without having to end the relationship.

Céline Remy 36:10
Absolutely. I know some people say it’s not all about sex, you can love somebody without sex and absolutely, and also for some people having sex is essential and so both partners should be able to get their needs met. And there are very beautiful ways to open up a relationship or find creative ways that work for both partners. We have episodes on that. We have coaching Randy through open relating, like how to really start that and we have monogamy or polyamory, which one is right for you.

Céline Remy 36:41
So we’ve got a couple of episodes for you that you can check out. Now want to bring another point here on our list, which is about sexual energy. You can use sexual energy for other things than just sex. You could use it for creating things its creative energy, you can create projects and arts or just feel that energy into your passion.

Kevin Anthony 37:00
Put it into your work projects. There’s a lot of ways you know, we call sexual energy. And we’ve talked about this in other episodes that we’ve done. You know, different societies throughout history have called it different things. They call it G or Ching or prana, or lifeforce energy or whatever you want to call it. There are all these different names, but it’s really just energy. It’s the energy of life, and it flows through us and you can use that energy for a lot of different things. It doesn’t just have to be sex.

Kevin Anthony 37:30
So one thing that you can do, and I strongly suggest this for guys, in fact, we, we talked in one of our episodes about whether or not blue balls really exist, right? And I’m like, No, they don’t really exist. It’s just a build-up, a stagnation of energy in the lower chakras, in the genitals and it’s like, just learn how to move that energy out, move it out and do something creative and productive with it.

Céline Remy 37:54
We can help you with that. If you don’t know-how. Last on our list is to come are ending the relationship. The reason it’s last on the list is that first, we want you to try everything we just listed. Then if you come to a place where you like it is just not working, life is too short to be stuck in something that doesn’t work for either one of you.

Kevin Anthony 38:16
And you know, sometimes that’s just the way it is. Sometimes people just aren’t a good match, we do sometimes see that where people come to us and they really, really want to fix it, they really want to work it out. And at the end of the day, you know, all we can say is you guys just really aren’t a good match. So you have a choice, you’re you can either do your best to make it work, or you can move on.

Céline Remy 38:40
But don’t just go there first. This is why it’s last on the list because for most people if you apply the things we’ve just taught you, it will help improve your libido your sex drive and how you communicate and operate sexually. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 38:54
so for the overwhelming majority of people, this is an absolutely solvable problem. But if you’ve tried everything and it’s just not working for both of you, then that’s sort of the last resort. All right, well, there you have it.

Kevin Anthony 39:09
If we didn’t give you depending on whose list we’re reading from either 10 or 11, or 12 things. The numbering scheme seemed to get a little off there. But we give you lots and lots of things that you can do. So, you know, do your best if you need help with this, of course, reach out to us and consider working with us because this is absolutely solvable.

Kevin Anthony 39:33
And we want everybody to experience an amazing sex life for their needs are always met. Mm-hmm. All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends

Céline Remy 39:56
and for more free, exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at CelineRemy.com/vault. That’s c e li n e r e m y.com forward slash vault.

Kevin Anthony 40:11
Thanks for listening,

Céline Remy 40:12
and remember, you’re amazing