Kevin Anthony 0:00
Kevin, welcome to the Love Lab podcast, the place to be for honest and real talk about relationships and sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or a couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to help you have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life.

Kevin Anthony 0:26
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 380 and it is titled navigating sexual inexperience. And you know, the idea for this episode came from a client that I was working with a few months ago, and this client, due to just some crazy life circumstances, hadn’t been able to really have much sexual experience, and now she’s a grown woman, and she’s wondering, like, how Do I get out there and date? How do I, you know, potentially meet somebody and then explain to them, like, Hey, here’s what happened in my life, and here’s why I don’t really have any sexual experience. And so we worked a bit on that, and it got me thinking, you know, she’s not the only person who’s in this position.

Kevin Anthony 1:24
There are lots of people, whether they be younger or older, who have some fear or anxiety around not having a lot of experience sexually. So that’s what we’re going to talk about on this show today, we’re going to talk about what is sexual inexperience really? We’re going to talk about, you know, who typically falls into the category of the sexually inexperienced. We’re going to talk about what problems can arise as a result of that, and we’re going to talk about ways that you can overcome this, because there are more ways than you just think if you’re lacking sexual experience, and somebody just tells you, Well, just go out and have sex.

Kevin Anthony 2:06
Well, that’s easier said than done, and so I’m going to give you some additional options and some of the things that I worked on with my client to help her get the experience that she was looking for before going out into the dating world. I also have a few additional considerations on things to keep in mind when embarking on a journey like this. But of course, as always, before we do that, a word from my sponsors.

Kevin Anthony 2:44
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Kevin Anthony 3:46
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Kevin Anthony 4:42
Okay, let’s dive into our topic today. When I say, you know, navigating sexual inexperience, what do I mean? I just want to make sure that we’re all clear on what I mean by inexperience. So the day. The definition of sexual inexperience is, but let’s just read you the exact definition as it is. Sexual inexperience can be defined in various ways, often relating to the absence of specific sexual behaviors such as vaginal, oral, or anal sex. So it doesn’t necessarily mean that you haven’t had sex. It doesn’t mean necessarily that you don’t know how to do a part of what you’ve already learned to do, but it can be defined as having an experience in some of the major, you know, components to what I would call a well-rounded, you know, sexual skill toolbox.

Kevin Anthony 5:53
So that could mean, you know, you’ve had sex a few times. I mean, you kind of know the basics, but you know maybe you’re not good at learning oral or anal, or, you know, something like that, and you feel like you want to know that better, but you just haven’t quite gotten there yet. Now, of course, sexual inexperience can also mean you simply haven’t had sex at all, and that is becoming more and more common with some of the younger generations, which I’ll talk about in just a little bit. So who typically falls into the category of sexual inexperience? And you know, obviously, you would say, well, somebody that doesn’t have experience, but I wanted to give you a few examples of reasons why, basically, somebody might be sexually inexperienced. So number one is, obviously,y young people. Young people haven’t been around long enough, you know, if they’re over 18 years old, and they are legal adults, and they want to, you know, experiment with being sexual with their partner. That is basically normal, even though I know there are a lot of people who will sort of discourage that, even at that age, but it’s fairly normal.

Kevin Anthony 7:22
And you know, you just haven’t, you haven’t had enough time in this world and enough partners to really gain the experience that you need. But they’re not the only ones. So Gen Z is another one that typically would fall into this category of sexually inexperienced. Now, does that mean every Gen Z’er doesn’t have experience? No. But one of the things that we do know, and I’ve mentioned this in several other shows, and I actually did a whole show, I think actually, we were specifically talking about millennials, because Millennials were already having less sex than their predecessors, but Gen Z specifically is having a lot less sex, and it’s been reported that one in four Gen Zers have yet to be sexually active. And remember, this is, this is a period of time, you know, these early years where most people are kind of learning the ropes and trying things out and figuring out what works and what doesn’t work, what they like, what they don’t like.

Kevin Anthony 8:32
And so there’s a whole generation of people growing up now who are not doing that, and so they’re starting much later in life, and when they do, they start to feel like, well, you know, other people are going to have more experience, and they’re not going to think I’m good, and they’re not going to want to be with me, and a whole bunch of other things. We’ll talk more in a moment about some of the problems that can arise from lack of experience, but so we got young people and Gen Z also I have developmentally delayed and kind of, what I mean by that is something happened in their life that delayed them from Being able to start exploring and becoming sexually active at the normal time when most people would so that could be some sort of major health challenge. That could be a struggle with drug or alcohol addiction. You know, there could be various different things that could contribute to that.

Kevin Anthony 9:45
And this is what happened with my client. My client had a really rough life up to a few years ago, and some of the choices that she made and some of the behaviors that she was engaged in. Really limited her opportunities for having safe, consensual sex and really learning the ropes. So that’s another reason they might be sexually inexperienced. We have voluntary celibacy, so somebody who has voluntarily decided that they don’t want to have sex. And you see this with some religious people who say, Hey, I don’t want to have sex until I’m married, and so they wait, which is fine, and if that is in line with their religious beliefs, there’s nothing wrong with that. I personally, and I’ve talked about this on the show many times, feel that that can kind of put you in a bad position down the road, in a sense that you can end up in a situation where you’ve committed to be life partners with somebody, and then you find out that there’s like Zero sexual compatibility, and that is often a big problem.

Kevin Anthony 11:03
So not a big fan of that, but, but you know, if, if that is something that you believe in, I do want you to know that it’s okay. It’s just a different route. There are a lot of different ways to go through this life, and that’s just one of them. And then the last one, anyone at any age who has not experienced much sex, kind of the catch-all, all right? Who knows why? Right? There could be a ton of reasons they didn’t have the confidence to approach people. Maybe they felt that they weren’t good-looking enough, so they never tried. There are all kinds of things out there that can potentially get in the way. So I wanted to take a little time to go over that, because I think that that list is bigger than what most people would tend to think it would be, right?

Kevin Anthony 11:55
So in other words, most people would say, Oh yeah. Well, obviously, it’s just some young person who hasn’t had a lot of experience yet. But there can be a bunch of other reasons why somebody might be sexually inexperienced, too. And then maybe, hopefully, if you are yourself sexually inexperienced, you may have resonated with one of those groups here on the list and got Oh, okay, maybe I’m not the weird one. Maybe I’m not the only one, right, who is in this position, and honestly, you’re not, you’re not the only one. So I hope you understand that, and don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you don’t have the experience that you think you should have. So let’s talk a little bit about some of the potential problems that can arise if you don’t have adequate sexual experience. So number one, a lack of sexual experience is frequently associated with feelings of shame, anxiety, and inadequacy, which can negatively impact self-confidence and social interactions.

Kevin Anthony 13:03
This stigma can lead individuals to avoid sexual encounters, which would potentially exacerbate the issue. Some sources indicate that societal norms often frame sexual experiences as a rite of passage, increasing pressure on individuals who are inexperienced, the biggest takeaway there, and the thing that can happen, and something that, honestly, I’ve seen in clients I’ve worked with, which is this idea of shame, anxiety, and inadequacy. So shame, like I should be so much more experienced than I am, and I’m not. And you know, there’s something wrong with me because of that right anxiety. This comes up a lot with people who are dealing with sexual inexperience, which is that they want to be sexual, but they have a lot of anxiety over how to do it and what the other person’s going to think and what the experience is going to be like, and they are prepared. That’s a really big one. And then, of course, inadequacy as well.

Kevin Anthony 14:07
So I feel like, you know, why would somebody ever want to date me? I’m inadequate. I don’t have the experience I should have at whatever age. Blah, blah, blah. So those are some actually common negative issues that can come up as a result of sexual inexperience. Sexual inexperience, particularly stemming from a lack of self-directed exploration in childhood, can predict sexual dysfunction, poor self-confidence, and anxiety in adulthood, leading to avoidance of sexual encounters. So the second thing on the list is basically it can lead to sexual dysfunction and poor self-confidence, obviously, anxiety, but we already covered anxiety. I. So obviously, what it says here is that it can predict sexual dysfunction. So when they’re looking at people who have sexual inexperience, they see a high correlation with sexual dysfunction.

Kevin Anthony 15:19
So that could be things like erection difficulties. That could be things like premature ejaculation, the anxiety, of course, can cause lubrication problems and things like that, number three on the list, the stigma surrounding sexual inexperience or virginity can cause feelings of shame and inadequacy, affecting individual self-esteem and social interactions. So you hear this sort of common theme right in each one, there is, you know, this, this idea of shame and inadequacy that comes in, and so that can lead to sexual dysfunction, that can lead to self-esteem issues, it can have negative implications on people’s social interactions. So those are some more things that can potentially come with sexual inexperience. And again, I’ve seen some of these with my clients. You know, I’ve seen where, you know, they definitely lack self-esteem. They feel awkward interacting socially with potential partners. They have a lot of anxiety around it.

Kevin Anthony 16:32
So all of these are things that I do see quite often. Next on the list, men who are less sexually experienced may feel inferior and ashamed, which can prevent them from gaining more experience and lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy of paralysis. So again, you know, here you are. You don’t have a lot of experience. You’re hearing all these stories from other guys, and many of which probably aren’t even really true, but you don’t know that, so you’re hearing all these stories from other men about their conquests and all this stuff that’s happening, and you feel inferior and you feel maybe ashamed, which, of course, can then lead you back into that You know, sort of self fulfilling prophecy of not pursuing more sexual opportunities. And then lastly on the list, inexperience, lack of knowledge, or a history of sexually related difficulties can escalate a fear of engaging in sexual activity.

Kevin Anthony 17:39
So again, similar yet different. Just feeling like you have a lack of knowledge, you don’t have that experience, and it prevents you from engaging in sexual activity. So those are some of the things that could come up as a result of being sexually inexperienced, and honestly, yeah, I kind of said this earlier in the show, like it’s okay if you’re sexually inexperienced, you don’t have to take all this stuff on. You don’t have to feel the anxiety, you don’t have to feel, you know, the inadequacy, you don’t have to have low self-esteem, right? It’s okay to just say, Okay, I haven’t learned it yet, but I’m going to learn it now, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Kevin Anthony 18:33
And I’m going to take a break in a moment for the show’s sponsor today, and when I come back, I want to talk about ways to overcome this. So I was just telling you, hey, you know it’s okay, let’s just work on it. Now, I’ve got some ways that you can work on it that aren’t just going out and finding somebody to have sex with, right? I mean, that’s one of them, but that’s not the only one, and I’ve got some other ideas for you, one of which my sponsor today would be really amazing for

Kevin Anthony 19:08
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Kevin Anthony 20:30
One of them is signing up for beducated and diving into their courses and learning everything that they can. You know they’ve got educated, have more than 150 online courses on sex and intimacy. That’s a lot of courses, 150 plus, right? So you can embark on a sexual exploration journey, and you can do it in a way that’s safe, and you can do it from the comfort of your own, and you don’t even need a partner to do it; you can start learning and start gaining experience on your own. So if that sounds good to you, kick off your journey to sexual happiness with 60% off the yearly pass. That’s an additional 10% off the campaign’s current discount, and use code Love Lab to get that 60% off. Remember, there is a risk-free 14-day money-back guarantee, so there’s no risk. You know, try it out. Go through a course or two in that time. If you don’t like it, you can get your money back.

Kevin Anthony 21:43
But you know, honestly, I don’t know what their return rate is. I’m guessing it’s really low, because once you get in there, you’re just gonna be like, this is totally worth it. But just in case you don’t know where to start, here are some courses for inspiration. We have Yoni Lingam, massage, pleasure, adventure, ecstatic sex, and guided masturbation, right? So these are, these are some great ways to get sexual experience and and it’s not even just experience like this is a great way for you to learn not just skills to get you up to speed, but take it even further than that, and potentially learn some mastery level skills, next level stuff that even people that have a lot of experience don’t necessarily know or aren’t potentially that good at so don’t forget to use code Love Lab to get 60% off the yearly pass. All right, let’s get back to it. What are some ways that you can overcome sexual inexperience?

Kevin Anthony 22:59
So before the break I mentioned, you know, it’s not just as simple as, oh, go find somebody to practice with. So here are some other things that you can potentially do. Number one, work on healing any shame or anxiety, or inadequacy that you have. So you know, if you’re holding on to that stuff, if you’re feeling a lot of deep shame, anxiety, inadequacy, that’s really going to hold you back. And we saw that when we talked about all of the potential negative things that can come from inexperience. We saw what it can lead to: sexual dysfunction, avoiding sexual encounters, things like that. So if you work on healing that, it’s going to make it that much easier to get out there and actually try some stuff and practice. So you know, sometimes people think, well, let me, let me get some experience first, and that will heal the shame, anxiety, and inadequacy.

Kevin Anthony 24:01
Well, it might, but you don’t have to wait for that. You can work through those feelings and those emotions beforehand. Number two, you can find a partner who’s willing to go slow with you and experiment. There’s nothing wrong with that. You know, the thing I always say, and this is some guidance I was giving my client as well, which is, just be up front, just be upfront with the person, and just say, Okay, here’s where I’m at. I haven’t had a lot of experience, but here’s what I would like to do. And I would like to ask you, you know, can we agree to, you know, have sex so many times before we decide whether or not this is a match, right? Can we agree to go slow? You know, are you okay with, you know, taking the time for me to sort of get up to speed? And, you know, if this is the right partner, and if this is somebody that you. You know care about you, see potential in the relationship. There’s no reason why they shouldn’t be willing to do that. So that was number two: find a partner who’s willing to go slow. Number three, consume content like the Kevin Anthony coaching YouTube channel and the Love Lab podcast over the years.

Kevin Anthony 25:25
I mean, I’m at, what was this show today? 380 and, you know, I mean, I’ve just, I’ve put hundreds of podcast episodes out there with a ton of great information to help you be better at relationships and sex, and there’s a lot of episodes out there on how to be good at sex, how to learn the skills that you really need to learn. So it’s all free. Just go and watch my YouTube channel. Listen to my podcast, right? So in the podcast, 380 episodes, YouTube channel, another, I don’t even know, six or 700 videos there as well. It’s all free. You’ve got a ton of resources at your fingertips to learn from. And of course, that takes me to the next one, which is, consider working with a professional. Now. What would that look like? Well, obviously, you can work with a coach. So let’s say you worked with somebody like me. We can work together. I can teach you things I have, like a mini master class on how to give great oral sex and communication, and all these other great skills, right? So I can teach you all of that. So that’s one way to do it.

Kevin Anthony 26:54
You can also work with a professional, say, maybe, like a professional DOM or somebody like that, who can help you get some experience in that area. Now, the interesting thing is, is, obviously, unless the person you are seeing is, you know, an actual legal sex surrogate, they can’t have sex with you. Now you could, of course, find a legal sex surrogate out there to help you, but there are other people out there why they may not actually have sex with you. They can help, say, role-play with you and experiment with power dynamics and different types of sexual play that don’t involve actually having sex, and that might be another way for you to learn and get some experience. Another way would be to go look up my sponsor, educated. They’ve got over 150 courses that you can go learn from, a ton, a ton of information out there that you can learn from right there in that platform. And then lastly, I would just say, don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to be bad at it. Nobody is good at it when they start. I mean, really, they aren’t. We all had to learn it. We all had to go through our growing pains, and that’s okay.

Kevin Anthony 28:34
Just make sure that you choose good partners who are also okay with that. And you know what? When something crashes and burns and doesn’t work, just have fun with it, laugh about it, and go, Okay, that didn’t work. Let’s try something else. So there you go. There are some ways that you can overcome sexual inexperience, and hopefully, what you saw from that is that there are more options than just finding somebody to go practice with. Now, one last thing before I wrap up, and I know today’s show is going to be a little shorter than usual, but I didn’t feel like this topic really required a whole lot more, like I’m not here to talk just for the sake of talking. What I’m here to do is deliver quality content to you, and if I can get the message across, you know, in less time, I’m okay with that.

Kevin Anthony 29:36
So this, this episode is going to be a little shorter, and that’s okay, but I do have a couple of things I want to share with you before I wrap up, and these are some additional considerations. Number one, I’ve said already, it’s okay to be inexperienced. You don’t need to feel bad about yourself. You know everybody you. Learns, grows, experience, and things at different rates. There’s nothing wrong with that. Number two, there’s no need to rush. Don’t feel like you have to run out there and immediately learn everything. You can slow down, take time to, I want to say, learn it right. But like, learn at the speed that works for you. Learn at a speed where you feel comfortable. It’s not a race, and you’ll probably, if you slow it down, you’ll probably learn more and integrate more of it into who you are, which is an important part of any learning process, and then lastly, make good decisions, so you can avoid creating any trauma.

Kevin Anthony 30:52
Most people, when they’re learning sex, they do so at a very early age, they do not have a lot of guidance, and they make a bunch of mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes can cause trauma, and then they come to me years later, and we’re trying to work out this trauma that happened from early experiences. So my advice is, try to make better decisions. Choose good partners. Don’t compromise on your boundaries, you know, I mean, I can’t guarantee that everything is always going to work out great, but do your best to try to minimize creating any additional trauma that you might have to work through later on around your you know, sexuality and your sex Life. So those are just a couple of additional considerations. I want to make sure that you know it’s okay, that there’s no rush, and that it is in your best interest to make good decisions as you go forward in this journey.

Kevin Anthony 31:56
And having said that, I just want to wrap up by saying if you are listening to this and you do feel like you are sexually inexperienced, the best thing that you can do is just take action now, right? So, just make an action plan and get started. The longer you wait, the more you sit around, you know, dealing with the anxiety and the shame, and you know, the feeling like you have a lack of experience, the harder it’s going to be down the road. So, as they say, there is no time like the present. And hopefully,y from listening to this episode, you have gotten some good ideas on how to get started on getting the experience that you need and that you want so that you can go off into any relationship and any sexual situation, feeling confident. All right, everybody. I know it was a little bit shorter this week, but I hope you found some value in it, and that is all I have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

Kevin Anthony 33:19
I hope you like this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe, leave me a review, and share it with your friends. And for more free exclusive content, join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening, and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!