Jealousy, Insecurity And Cheating

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 213. And it’s titled jealousy, insecurity, and cheating. So today, we’re going to be talking about all three of those things we’re going to talk about where they come from, why people do them, and what you can do about it strategies to solve these problems that people have.

Kevin Anthony 0:52
Jealousy, insecurity, and cheating are things that almost everybody experiences at some point in their life, and or in their relationship. But it doesn’t have to be there. And even if it does, it doesn’t necessarily have to cause problems in the relationship. And so we’re going to talk about how to manage that like if these things and when these things come up, how do you manage it without it being self-destructive, or destructive to your relationship?

Céline Remy 1:24
And they can show up at different times in relationships, too. It could be in an early relationship. It could be later on, do they, you know, did they show up differently? Are they different? Are they the same, we’re going to try to give you a little bit of everything. And most specifically, hopefully, you’ll get what you need to be able to create a different scenario.

Céline Remy 1:49
Before we get started, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Women, you want to have a harder erection last longer or increase your sexual skills. There is something for you at power and mastery.com.

Kevin Anthony 2:20
Did you say.com Yes? But we’re teaching you power mastery. How to not come?

Céline Remy 2:26
Well. That’s the URL, my dear. Oh, come when you want

Kevin Anthony 2:33
Yes, more specifically come when you want. All right. All right. All right. That’s the silly jokes. Well, no, not enough, they’ll probably be plenty more throughout the show.

Céline Remy 2:44
Entertaining. So you know, I felt a good place to start would be to go all the way to the beginning. And kind of like, where does it stem from? I think a model that would make sense. It starts with insecurity. There’s jealousy, and there’s cheating. And they kind of like build up on each other. I mean, you can have one without the other. But I think that I’m not sure you would cheat if you didn’t have insecurities.

Kevin Anthony 3:18
Maybe it’s I mean, some people would, because the cheater isn’t necessarily the one that’s always insecure in the relationship. But for sure. Insecurity is kind of the root of all of it, right? So generally, you don’t have jealousy without insecurity, for sure. Right? The cheating thing? Well, that’s kind of a beast in and of itself that we’ll tackle. But yeah, let’s cover each one of those and talk about kind of where they come from.

Céline Remy 3:46
So within security, ultimately, it kind of comes down to two things. I have been doing this work for 20 years now. And, you know, I have worked with clients for over 12 years at this point. And I’ve really boiled it down to two things. It’s either I’m not good enough, or I’m not worthy.

Céline Remy 4:11
And it comes down to a self-belief that we hold. And pretty much everything that we do in life stems from that core wounds. And so the insecurity wherever you’re thinking you’re not good enough or you’re not worthy. Really what it means is, you’ve got low self-confidence. You might be afraid of rejection.

Céline Remy 4:37
Or you also bring fast and pleasant relationships into the present. So you live in the past all over again wondering why your future is the same as the past because you’re constantly stuck in the past.

Kevin Anthony 4:52
Oh, the repeating patterns boy, do we see that a lot. So definitely

Céline Remy 4:56
you’re not asking for what you want. needs. But you still have expectations. And this is very important to mention because, for whatever reasons, you might be thinking, well, I’m going to ask for what I want. But you’re not letting go of the expectations of getting what you want.

Kevin Anthony 5:19
Hmm, yeah. Insecurity is a big one, I, you know, I don’t want to spend too much time because we’ve got a lot of stuff to get through. But, you know, I don’t think people truly understand just how big insecurity is in their relationships. And it manifests in many different ways.

Kevin Anthony 5:39
And it’s not always obvious that insecurity is the reason for the actions that are going on. So, you know, I guess maybe what I’m suggesting to the audience here is to really take a step back and really go within and be really honest with yourself, you know, is your bitchy behavior in the relationship? Really, because underneath all of that, you’re insecure about the relationship, right?

Kevin Anthony 6:07
Like so that’s one example of how insecurity can show up where maybe one partner is like, you know, the naggy bitchy, you know, constantly complaining kind of person. And so you might tend to think, well, that’s just because they’re bitchy, or they had trauma or they’re tired, or they’re whatever it is, at Yes. And there could be deeper underlying insecurity that is causing them to sort of lash out in that way.

Céline Remy 6:40
I also think that as we are younger, we will have more insecurities. Also, we tend to not want to show them too much. I see that a lot with masculine where they go, like, I’m going to be cocky, to mask the fact that I’m insecure until they’re really able to step in their confidence. I see that with women where oftentimes we feel very insecure about our bodies, and how we look. And it takes us good decades or two. Before we get comfortable, three

Kevin Anthony 7:15
or four. Sometimes that’s like the 40s.

Céline Remy 7:19
Well, where we finally are okay, with our bodies? Look, we’ve what we need to ask for it. And so I don’t think insecurity is a bad thing. As long as you don’t let it take over the relationship. It can show you areas where you can grow and ask for help. If you’re insecure, is not a sign of weakness.

Céline Remy 7:46
Let’s say you identified that you were insecure about body parts and you need reassurance. It’s okay to enroll your partner if they’re willing to give you the reassurance you need until you feel that your cup is full. And then you’ll move on. Sometimes people are like, well, but if I asked for that, and we’re gonna have to do that for years and stuff. In my experience.

Céline Remy 8:14
There is a point where we reach a cyst satisfaction was assessed. Like you feel satiated, really like I’ve gotten everything I needed.

Kevin Anthony 8:26
Yeah, I want to add to something that you said too, about how you know there tend to be more insecurities in young people. While that is true, we do see a ton of older people with just as many insecurities. The thing is, the insecurities show up differently. So just to take your example of the young man who uses his cockiness as a way to hide the fact that deep down inside, he’s actually insecure?

Kevin Anthony 8:54
Well, when that young man gets older, the cockiness will often go away, and the insecurity will show up as being overly attentive. Right or not being a strong masculine is a bit softer and more wishy-washy and super tentative. Are you okay? Oh, did that work for you? Oh, how can I do this for you? Is that okay? Like asking everything all the time, a lot of times that comes from insecurity.

Kevin Anthony 9:24
Now, the funny thing is, is that, you know, when we work with men who are like that, they will never see it as insecurity. They will say, I just I really want to make sure that she’s having a good time and she’s happy I care about her. It’s all about her. Oh, how many times have we heard it’s all about her? Not really, it’s mostly about you and your insecurities in the relationship. Therefore you think it’s all about her. So those are just some ways in which that insecurity something

Céline Remy 9:53
What’s really interesting is that for some reason, we put expectations on ourselves that we’re When it comes to relationships or the bedroom, we should know it all. And these are learned skills. Here’s the thing, if you learn, if you want to learn how to cook, you’re gonna buy cookbooks, you’re gonna take classes, you’re gonna read, you’re gonna surround yourself with people who know how to do it,

Kevin Anthony 10:16
you’re gonna practice a lot, you’re gonna practice a lot, you’re gonna be a lot of failed dishes and fans on the stove and in the oven.

Céline Remy 10:23
Like, okay, that was a learning experience. And then it’s like, how can I do it better, and you keep at it until you master your skill? Somehow, that mentality, most people don’t bring into the relationship and bedroom. But you should bring that and remember that with your partner, your team. And you’re here to help each other become the best person you can be.

Kevin Anthony 10:50
Yeah. Truth bomb had to, I had to because you’re right, it is about helping each other become the best person that you can each beat and you’ll

Céline Remy 11:02
mature in your relationship. Okay, let’s move on to jealousy. Just kind of to see again, the root, the root is insecurity, right? But at the core of jealousy is comparison. And it means, you know, you constantly comparing yourself to somebody else,

Kevin Anthony 11:22
you know, what if she’s better looking? Or what if he’s better in bed than I am? What if he’s got? Exactly, there’s all of that comparison stuff that gets in there. And you know, I don’t know if this is really the place to go into, you know, the being all in in the relationship.

Kevin Anthony 11:44
But sure, it is relevant jealousy, which is that jealousy tends to come up often in relationships, because somebody one or the other, or even both people in the relationship, do not feel 100% confident that their partner is, as we say, all in. And so because they feel like they’re not all in, they realize that if he’s not all in, then that means there’s a possibility that he’s partially in somewhere else.

Kevin Anthony 12:20
So this is a big thing that we spend a lot of time talking about. I was just having this conversation with a friend of mine this weekend, who was talking about how in his relationship at the beginning of it, they were managing an open relationship. And he had another lover, and he said, it was working just fine. And I didn’t even let him finish that sentence.

Kevin Anthony 12:44
And I said until it wasn’t, because I already knew what direction this was going in. And of course, yeah, until it wasn’t until she started getting triggered by some of his behaviors. Now, were his behaviors out of line? Not necessarily. But the problem is, is that she couldn’t feel that he was 100% in and that’s the problem. All of the really successful poly couples are open relationship couples that we have seen. And honestly, there aren’t many.

Kevin Anthony 13:20
To be perfectly honest, there aren’t many. And if there’s anybody that that’s listening, that’s in an open relationship. And they’re like, but we’ve been doing it for 25 years. Great, congratulations to you, you are not the norm. But they can work, they can work. And when they do, it’s because they know that both people in that relationship are 100% in and committed to that primary core of a relationship.

Kevin Anthony 13:49
And they know that no matter how many dates the other person goes on, no matter how many people they fuck, they’re always going to come home to that person. And they’re not worried that somehow the next person is going to steal their partner away. That’s the only way that those relationships work

Céline Remy 14:05
that you get to bring the same element in a monogamous relationship. You need to have safety, you need to have trust. And if your partner goes away, without you and spent time like that, you know, they’re going to come back to you. Trust and Safety don’t happen magically.

Céline Remy 14:23
It’s something that you establish over time. It’s something that your actions, demonstrate because it’s one thing to say, oh, yeah, men, I want you. But then every time you go out, you’re looking and you’re seeing all the beautiful women or men, you know, and she can feel it.

Kevin Anthony 14:43
Oh, absolutely. She can feel it. And thank you for bringing it full circle around because it wasn’t really about open relationships being poly. I was using that as an example to illustrate how important it is that you have that strength in knowing that your partner is not just going to squirrel wonder like, oh my god hot chick, oh my god sexy man Oh, bigger caulk more money, whatever it is, you’re not gonna go chasing the reality

Céline Remy 15:11
of it, there’s always going to be something more beautiful, wealthier, faster, better anywhere you look, it just is how it is you just have to be content with who you are,

Kevin Anthony 15:24
or so it will appear from a distance. And we’ll talk about the grass on the other side of the fence later on in the show.

Céline Remy 15:32
Okay, last but not least, we want to address the cheating part. I think that it comes down to really one thing if you boil it down, is your need not being met needs. And some people are like, Well, no, I just like an adventure. And it’s like, well, yeah, your need for novelty and adventure is not being met. seek it out that the relationship Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 15:56
100%. In every relationship, pretty much that I’ve seen or worked with the cheating was always because some need was not being met, or a whole bunch of needs wasn’t being met. And what’s interesting is we have seen people that claim to be well, no, just by nature, I’m just a swinger or I’m Polly, that’s just who I am.

Kevin Anthony 16:23
And then years later, you see them get into a new relationship, where all of a sudden, they’re truly compatible with this person. And open relating Polly’s swinging thing goes right out the fucking window, and suddenly they’re monogamous. Why? Why does that happen so often? Because they finally get into a relationship where their needs are met?

Kevin Anthony 16:45
Yeah, it’s really I mean, it’s kind of if you’ve never really observed that you’re like, oh, okay, I could see that. But when you actually watch it happen in real-time, it is just so fucking obvious. What’s happening? And that’s the thing is, it’s not theoretical. At that point, you’re looking at it like it’s in slow motion going, I know exactly where this is going. You know,

Céline Remy 17:11
there’s a myth that your partner has to meet all of your needs. It’s not the case, some relationships, there’s some of it, average, there’s more than others. But the key is, to be honest, the key is to be real. And the thing is two things can change, you might have entered the relationship under the monogamous idea, then maybe one person got sick.

Céline Remy 17:39
Maybe one person’s hormones changed, maybe one person’s life mission changed, all the sudden they want to be celebrated, you can’t expect your partner to do everything the same that new. The problem comes when one partner radically changes and then expects the are the others to just adjust.

Kevin Anthony 18:05
Just adjust. Yeah, I mean, hey, adjusting works sometimes. And sometimes it doesn’t. And that’s a great point that you brought up. Because when we talk about cheating, and we say, well, people cheat because their needs aren’t met, doesn’t imply that your relationship has to meet all of your needs. And so that’s a really excellent point that you bring up.

Kevin Anthony 18:24
Most relationships are not capable of meeting all of your needs. But that doesn’t mean that you have to cheat to get those. Right. So that’s a big difference. The big difference is if you have a need that isn’t being met in your relationship, you need to sit down and have an honest and compassionate conversation about what those needs are. Can that person try to meet those needs?

Kevin Anthony 18:46
And if not, what other ways can you potentially get those needs met? And I mean, that’s a whole nother conversation. I know, we’ve talked about it in depth in our other episodes about poly and open, relating, and all that kind of stuff, because that really comes up big in that particular situation. But as you clearly pointed out, you need to have those things even in monogamous relationships to

Céline Remy 19:09
Absolutely. Alright, so this was kind of a big intro, but we want to dive in a little bit deeper into each one of them. I think the one we’ll spend the most time is insecurity. Because if you can tackle that most of the rest will happen.

Kevin Anthony 19:27
Yeah, it’s a, it’s an underlying piece to all the others and if you can work on that you might see you will likely see a lot of those other things magically clear themselves up.

Céline Remy 19:41
So let’s look at different signs of insecurity in relationships. If you’re not sure, am I insecure? You know, but you probably like you know, closing your eyes trying not to see because we know these things, but you know, there’s some signs, some ways of behaving and thinking the thing that can show you that.

Céline Remy 20:01
If that’s your partner, then it can help you see that? So let’s start with number one. If you constantly checking on your partner, if you’re not with them to determine their whereabouts, where are you at? What’s going on? When are you coming home? Are you having fun?

Kevin Anthony 20:21
Yeah, yeah, no. So the funny thing about that is a lot of the words that you just used are things that people do that don’t necessarily upfront appear like jealousy. They just are like, Oh, I care, but it’s sorry, insecurities when I met. But but they come across as Oh, I just care, I just want to know that you’re having fun.

Kevin Anthony 20:40
I just want to know, you know that everything’s okay. It’s because I care about you. Yeah, but hey, sometimes it is. But a lot of times, it’s really just, it’s just masked in carrying what’s underneath the mask is you’re really insecure. And you wanna know, what the fuck are you in? What are you doing right now?

Céline Remy 20:56
And you know, maybe you’re having a bad day, and it’s okay. Maybe that day, you needed more reassurance and your partner left really early, you haven’t had a chance, to connect emotionally and bond, and then they’re gone, and you feel lonely. And you need a real connection. That’s one scenario. The other scenario is you’re in a new relationship.

Céline Remy 21:17
And you haven’t established the structure of the relationship you’re dating. You haven’t really said that you’re going exclusive. You haven’t put any label on that relationship. You used to get a lot of texts, suddenly, you get nothing for two days. Where do you go? Are you thinking he’s dating somebody else? Is she seeing someone else? What’s going on?

Céline Remy 21:45
And that scenario shows again, insecurity. But that comes from the fact that you don’t have the safety that you need to establish the trust, because the relationship has not been yet defined.

Kevin Anthony 21:59
Yeah. So in the first scene that you talk about, that’s perfectly fine. It’s only if you see that happening over and over and over again, that you realize that okay, there’s a pattern is an underlying pattern of insecurity. The second one is interesting, too. Yeah. Because you haven’t established trust yet in the relationship.

Kevin Anthony 22:20
Now. Both men and women obviously can go there early on in a relationship, I think women probably tend to go there more than men do because men are kind of like, but it’s a new relationship we haven’t committed and under no obligation to send her a text three times a day, every day, like, I was busy, my dog, whatever, my bork, my blah, blah, blah, there was a really awesome game on you know, whatever, you know, like that.

Kevin Anthony 22:47
Most guys are totally clueless about that sort of thing. But not to say that men don’t do that, too. So the key to that one, of course, is establishing trust.

Céline Remy 22:59
This leads to number two,

Kevin Anthony 23:01
I just looked at him like, what were we talking about? Number two, because we just kind of talked about it. But no, we weren’t. But we’ll just mention it again, which is not trusting your partner to stay faithful to you, and constantly worrying that they’re cheating on you.

Kevin Anthony 23:15
If you’re worrying that your partner is cheating on you, there’s one of two things happening. Either they actually are cheating on you, you see the little signs and symptoms all over the place, but you are too afraid to confront it for whatever reason. Or you have a lot of insecurity.

Céline Remy 23:33
Yeah, and you need to tackle that. Yeah. Because it’s ruining your relationship. Because the insecurity that you constantly bring up will basically create the scenarios you don’t want to have to happen.

Kevin Anthony 23:45
Yeah, it sure can.

Céline Remy 23:47
Yeah. Number three, do you feel jealous of all other people in their lives and resenting the other people they are close to?

Kevin Anthony 23:57
Yeah, if you find yourself getting jealous over the fact that they spend too much time with a particular friend or friends or group of friends or family

Céline Remy 24:05
member or that they have and the opposite sex, best friends, you know?

Kevin Anthony 24:12
Yeah.

Céline Remy 24:13
But again, it stems down to like, just love yourself, for Christ’s sake. No, you’re fucking amazing. The person chose you. And just because you’re amazing. And somebody else can be amazing, dude, like, everybody can be amazing, but your unique flavor. What makes you so particular is what that person wants.

Céline Remy 24:39
And you don’t have to bring other people down to elevate yourself. And this is huge, especially for women. A lot of women always think like, well, if I want to be the pretty one, no other woman can be pretty in the room. I’m like, that’s not how it works. CB beauty everywhere. Celebrate every woman’s beauty, but also celebrate you on?

Kevin Anthony 25:10
Yes, yes. You needed some applause for that one. Thank you. All right, next, not taking your partner at their word and wanting to verify everything they tell you. Man, that one is so energy

Céline Remy 25:26
draining interrogation,

Kevin Anthony 25:28
right? Yeah, I mean, that one, that one is draining for both parties, it really is because you waste so much energy, trying to do that, trying to explain trying to make them feel safe and secure. And just that one’s bad. Alright, next, feeling like your partner may break up with you at any time. Oh, yeah.

Kevin Anthony 25:52
This is like another variation of the sort of walking on eggshells relationship. So the one is walking on eggshells, and always worried about the fact that you’re going to make a mistake. But another version of that is feeling like the relationship could end at any moment because you did something or you whatever, you know,

Céline Remy 26:10
the truth is, the relationship could always end at any moment. Nothing, nothing in this world is 100%. Safe. There’s always an unknown. And you just have to accept that. And trust. Yeah, this is where catastrophes can happen. Things unplanned happen. It’s how do you deal with that? And you just have to accept that you both doing your best, you both showing up. But yes, you could lose the other person at any moment.

Kevin Anthony 26:46
No, and that sounds, that sounds like a pessimistic point of view. And it’s not. And I kind of want to expand on that a little bit. Because it’s sort of a universal truth of life, which is that people do everything they can to seek safety, it’s just human nature, we do everything we can to try to be safe and to try to avoid suffering, right? Like, that’s basically what all of our actions are towards. And so in relationships, people will say,

Kevin Anthony 27:13
Well, you know, once we’re engaged, or once we’re married, then I can finally relax because it’s a done deal at that point. Or once we have kids, or once we buy a house, or once whatever the reality is, is that none of those things are going to make your relationship any safer than it was before. All it’s really going to do is if you don’t have a strong foundation, and the relationship fails, it’s just going to make it more complicated and messy, to clean up the pieces, right?

Kevin Anthony 27:44
And so this idea of this basically false security in life, it’s like people think, once I make this amount of money, it will all be better. Or once I own my house, it’ll all be better. Well, yeah. Okay. Own your house. What does that mean? Do you have a mortgage? Well, then you don’t really own it? What happens if you lose your job? Okay, have you paid for it outright?

Kevin Anthony 28:03
Do you hold a low do title? No. Okay, well, if you don’t pay your property taxes, your house is gone, right? Like none of these things that we think are solid, like once I get it, it’s done that just doesn’t exist in this world. And it’s not meant again, to be pessimistic. It’s meant to be realistic. And if you can truly embrace that and understand it, you can let go of the worry and the fear that is there. And that’s the whole point. And

Céline Remy 28:32
that’s so freeing, that’s the place where you can see it for what it is. And then you can also love better. Because then it matters. Any moment any little action can make a difference. A little smile, when your partner is dead, a word of encouragement, he or believes in you a hug, like you are willing to go the extra mile, because you know, it matters.

Kevin Anthony 29:00
Yeah, absolutely. There’s nothing like a major health crisis or something to really drive that point home.

Céline Remy 29:09
That’s last but not least if the person is constantly fishing for compliments, and validation, to try and feel more secure. And again, I want to say that there’s nothing wrong with that. If it’s acknowledged. If your skin says, I am insecure, and I need this, and your partner is willing to give it to you, then please go for it.

Céline Remy 29:36
Because that is the right place in your relationship. But if you don’t acknowledge it, or your partner has not agreed to do it, and you constantly try to get it, that’s when it doesn’t work.

Kevin Anthony 29:50
Yeah, so there’s nothing wrong with asking for compliments in reassurance, from time to time. It’s only when it’s constantly On a regular basis, that it indicates that there is most likely some insecurity and or jealousy.

Céline Remy 30:08
Well, the thing is to is, ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. And if you depend on your partner to help you feel good all the time, at some point, we’ll have an end. You need to be able to make yourself feel good. But sometimes, it’s okay to ask for help. But most of the time, it does come from the inside, it is an inside job. Love yourself, make yourself happy first.

Kevin Anthony 30:39
All of the truth bombs just keep coming in this show, you know, what you said is very powerful and 100% True. And unfortunately, most people don’t want to hear we actually did a show an episode of this show. It was titled something along the lines of your sexual satisfaction is your own responsibility. Yes, something like that. And it was probably one of our lowest-rated shows.

Kevin Anthony 31:05
And it was a fantastic show. The problem is people just don’t want to hear that they’re actually responsible for their own problems. They don’t they, or pleasure, right? They, want to blame it on somebody else because it’s easier, and they want somebody else or some outside thing or some pill or some quick fix to take care of it. And honestly, that’s just not how life works.

Céline Remy 31:28
No, no shortcuts. You got to do the work. And it sucks sometimes. Yeah. But ultimately, when you do the work, nobody can take it away from you. And that’s empowerment.

Kevin Anthony 31:40
You are on fire today. You know, I have to restrain myself because I can’t do a truth bomb every time you speak. But I kind of want to

Céline Remy 31:49
appreciate that.

Kevin Anthony 31:51
All right. All right, let’s take a break to hear from our sponsor. Today is me.

Céline Remy 31:57
Super sexy, Kevin. So hey, guys, do

Kevin Anthony 31:59
Do you know what makes a man great? You know, the kind of masculine man that women are irresistibly attracted to? Unwanted? Is it money job title his body? Is it because he’s great in bed has a big penis has great pickup lines? Is it really any of those things? Hmm? What if you don’t have those things?

Kevin Anthony 32:21
What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships are embarrassed by your bedroom skills, doubt whether you can rise to the occasion worry about lasting long enough, or are always stuck in the friend zone I can help you these are all things that I work with men on. So if you’re ready to make big changes, and finally become the man you have always wanted to be, then this is the program for you to find out more, please go to Céline remy.com forward slash go forward slash war you’re in.

Kevin Anthony 32:51
If you’re not interested in being a warrior, you just want to be a lover. That’s okay. That works too. I just had to call the program something. But I am definitely going to help you tap into your inner warrior and masculinity to help you with not only your relationships, not only your sex life but your entire life because none of it is separate. So go to Céline remy.com forward slash go forward slash war your you know you need to do it. So just do it.

Céline Remy 33:24
You know, you need another sound effect like a sword.

Kevin Anthony 33:27
Okay, I’ll get that. Absolutely. That’s the end of that, you know, that

Céline Remy 33:31
would be good. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 33:33
that one’s very appropriate for me to

Céline Remy 33:35
exactly. Alright, so let’s talk about a few more things here. We want to give you a few strategies. We spend a lot of time on insecurities. But let’s see, what can you do? If you’ve identified yourself as being insecure? Or your partner? What are some of the things? So number one, I feel like we always do the same. But again, it is because it’s kind of always the same.

Céline Remy 34:00
And we need repetition because we dance as human beings, and we need to hear it over and over until we take the appropriate steps. So number one, identify your triggers, you need to become self-aware of what are the situations that trigger insecurity? are the topics or areas because we really insecure everywhere? That might this is usually like an area. So know that about yourself, awareness, and know yourself first.

Kevin Anthony 34:30
Yeah, that is absolutely huge. Number two, communicate with your partner. Engage in more open communication about your insecurities, how they arise in your relationship, and ways you can begin to work on them.

Kevin Anthony 34:46
Yeah, no, you’re right. We do say a lot of these things are like having self-awareness and communicating right but honestly, that’s the foundation of solving every problem in your life. Yes. Whether it’s your sex life, whether it’s your relationship, whether it’s your job. Ah, whether it’s whatever it is, it’s kind of the foundation of everything, you got to figure out. We know

Céline Remy 35:07
who you are, what you want, what you need, and then speak

Kevin Anthony 35:10
up and communicate about it. Exactly.

Céline Remy 35:15
express how you feel, aiming to share your feelings. But this is really important. We’re not here to do emotional terrorism, a lot of people are so bad at communicating their emotions, and they do feel like you stress me out because you, anytime you start your sentence with you pointing the finger at somebody else, there are more fingers pointing back at you. And this is a very, very bad way of communicating.

Kevin Anthony 35:40
This is not actually expressing how you feel, no, this is blaming, this is blaming, and shaming. So you, you absolutely have to understand that approaching things from you do this, and you do that is not you expressing your feelings.

Céline Remy 35:56
So you gotta take responsibility. I get stressed sometimes. Because when this happens, or I get stressed out when you come home late, and I’m supposed to leave for my meeting. And, you know, like, you describe a situation when

Kevin Anthony 36:13
this happens, I feel like this. And you can even say I understand that maybe this isn’t real. But this is how I feel when it happens. Exactly. I also want to put a little warning on here for the men, because there’s been a lot of encouragement in the last few years for men to get in touch with their feelings. Now. There’s nothing wrong with that men should get in touch with their feelings.

Kevin Anthony 36:42
However, what they shouldn’t do, is dump that all over their partners. So here’s the thing. If you need to get in touch with your feelings, men, go do it in a men’s group. Go do it with a therapist. Tap into those feelings, understand what’s in there, get to know them, figure out what’s real, and what’s not get rid of the junk, right? become powerful. Go back to your partner that way.

Kevin Anthony 37:06
What you don’t want to do is show up to your partner. And like, can I lay my head on your lap and just cry in your lap and tell you all of my problems and look like a big wishy-washy softy guy who doesn’t have his shit together? That’s what you don’t want to do. And look, I know you don’t want to hear this guy’s but the reality is, when you do that your woman loses some respect for you. And there are a few women going no, no, I would love it if he finally showed his emotion.

Céline Remy 37:33
But showing emotion what you really want is him shedding a tear at your wedding, watching a sunset and being touched, looking at your children and being like

Kevin Anthony 37:44
expressing his love to you. Exactly.

Céline Remy 37:47
That’s the kind you want. Yeah, you

Kevin Anthony 37:48
want that kind of stuff. You don’t want all the insecurity, whiny, you know when I was five, and the day happened. And then ever since I can’t blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with getting in touch with those things. I’m not telling you to repress your emotions, I’m telling you to work on them in an appropriate place in time.

Céline Remy 38:09
Now, let’s talk about the other part, which is listening to your partner. If your partner is able to express vulnerability and share where they are insecure, please listen, with an open mind. Don’t try to fix them. But maybe brainstorm ways to support them. If you’re willing to. Maybe it’s not what you want to do, but you can find another solution with somebody else. So that’s, you know, listening goes a long way.

Kevin Anthony 38:39
Yeah, and of course, anytime we talk about listening, we have to mention that there’s more than one kind of listening. There’s listening where you seek to understand, and there’s listening, where you can’t wait to respond with your pre-programmed response that you already have before you even listen to anything they’ve had to say.

Céline Remy 38:56
And really you didn’t hear anything they said because you were too focused on what you were gonna say not forget what you had to say.

Kevin Anthony 39:01
Right. So listening actually means seeking to understand you are listening to what they are saying because you are seeking to understand them and the point they’re trying to make,

Céline Remy 39:13
I have a few more little tips for dealing with insecurities where journaling can be a helpful option, meditating, because you get to know yourself. Any form of art or hobby, where you get to be creative can also helps you to tap into this new energy. But last but not least, laughing It’s the most important is to actually taking bold steps. When you know that you’re insecure about something, you have to force yourself out of your comfort zone.

Kevin Anthony 39:49
Yes, and also be careful with that one because what we have personally witnessed in the Pali community is we have seen people come into the Polycom Unity, and they get triggered, they get jealous. But because they’re in the poly community and they’re working on jealousy, which is a big topic in the poly community, it goes something like this.

Kevin Anthony 40:10
They go, Well, I’m Feeling jealousy and it really hurts. But I know I’m not supposed to feel jealousy because that’s bad. So the way to get through that is to put me in as many situations as possible that trigger my jealousy through the fucking roof. And eventually, I’ll learn to stop being jealous. Well, let me

Céline Remy 40:31
Well, that’s a good scenario. But right now we’re insecurity still. We’re still like, Yeah, well, so

Kevin Anthony 40:37
we’re just talking about bold steps. I was using that as an example to show you that, yes, both are destructive. But be careful what the bold steps you take are,

Céline Remy 40:48
was more thinking along the lines of talk to a stranger, if you’re shy, where something risque if you are concerned about your body, right, this kind of step.

Kevin Anthony 41:00
That’s why we had to define it. Because if we just say, take bold steps, there’s going to be people out there who think, well, they said, you know, if I was jealous, I just need to go out

Céline Remy 41:10
and do what ties me every day we met again. And

Kevin Anthony 41:14
I have to say, just to finish what I’m saying with that particular example I’ve never seen it work. Yeah. All I’ve seen is people get triggered to the point of a break. So I don’t highly recommend

Céline Remy 41:24
them. Once they break they have to do the work, go within the journal meditate, no other things express themselves set boundaries and all of that. Yeah, same process. We back to the beginning, but

Kevin Anthony 41:36
but instead, they put themselves through hell to get there. So yes, bold steps, like the insecurity thing is a great one we had. What was his name on the show? Was it Robbie Kramer? Yes, it was Robbie Kramer, and he was helping men with dating complimenting confidence. Exactly. And one of the things that he did because he lacked dating confidence was he said, I’m going to go out and talk to X number of women today.

Céline Remy 42:04
And talk for real, not online. Yeah, yeah. Like face to

Kevin Anthony 42:07
face in person. And it could just be like a simple like, Hello, how are you doing? It wasn’t picking up. It wasn’t like I need to go try to pick up on it was just go talk to people, because the whole thing is, he wouldn’t approach women because he was afraid to just talk to a stranger.

Kevin Anthony 42:23
So what do you do? So he went out and he forced himself to talk to strangers? That’s a way that you can push yourself. That’s not going to push yourself too far over the edge and cause a breakdown.

Céline Remy 42:36
Yeah, yeah. So we’ve got a few more things before we come to the end of the show. I want to cover a few things about jealousy. And briefly about cheating as well, because it was part of our title. But I’m gonna mostly spend more time I think, on the jealousy parts, because we did a whole show on cheating to a belief a long time ago. But anyway, you know, jealousy is ambivalent, some people say it’s healthy to have a good dose of jealousy. Other people say, Oh, I’m not jealous at all. I don’t experience that.

Kevin Anthony 43:13
There are a few rare people that actually don’t experience jealousy. But most of the people who say they don’t are full of shit,

Céline Remy 43:19
you know, I think that jealousy is how you express it. Jealousy can show you. What is it that you want? What is it that you want, that you ever don’t have? Or that you not yet, if you see somebody that they have the car you want, you might be like, Oh, okay, or if you see somebody, they have a personality trait, and you go like,

Céline Remy 43:42
Oh, I want to become that person. So rather than beating yourself up, you can celebrate yourself. And be like, I saw this if you’re able to see that trait in that person. That means that trade is already within you.

Kevin Anthony 43:56
I saw a great and funny meme in a fitness group that I met online. And on the top of the meme was a woman on one side. And then it was just like a cartoon drawing you know, of a regular woman. And then the picture next to her was the super fit, super hot model. And the caption under the woman was, Oh, that’s so unrealistic and blah, blah, blah, all this sort of criticism.

Kevin Anthony 44:23
Below that there was a cartoon of a man. And next to him was this like, like Arnold Schwarzenegger looking warrior with a sword and under him, it said, gotta get in the gym and buy a sword. And the point they’re trying to make is the way the difference in which men and women often will deal with the jealousy where one will always be like, ah, that’s so unrealistic. I can’t believe they expect us to meet those, you know, standards or whatever. And then the guys just like, Fuck, how can I get that? Okay, I gotta get in the gym. I gotta. I gotta like, I gotta do something right.

Céline Remy 45:00
All right, so let’s start with some steps, dealing with jealousy, and what to do because beating yourself up is not going to work. And you know, like countless continuously triggering yourself is not going to help either. Like what Kevin was mentioning earlier. Number one, as always know yourself. Observe your jealous thoughts and behavior. Just observe, don’t judge. Just observe.

Kevin Anthony 45:27
Number two, just because you have these thoughts doesn’t make them true. Oh, that is a huge one. What’s the saying? Don’t believe everything you think, yeah.

Céline Remy 45:38
This is I put it in there. I was like, this needs to be there. Because it’s so true.

Kevin Anthony 45:42
It really is true. In fact, the overwhelming majority of things that you think aren’t true. And the overwhelming majority of things that you remember, as true, are only partially true.

Céline Remy 45:52
Yeah. Number three, don’t act on your feelings all the time. And this is a very important one, because so many people get like, crazy, and like emotionally out of balance, make very irrational decisions from that place.

Kevin Anthony 46:11
Okay, this is an epidemic in our society right now, because it is a manipulation tool that has been used against you for a long time. It’s called feelings over facts. This is where they get you to believe that your feelings are more important than the actual facts.

Kevin Anthony 46:26
They are not. And they never will be facts always trump feelings. Sorry. And I didn’t mean to use Trump because of any political figures. So don’t get mad at me for that one. It was a term long before he was ever a political figure. So the point is, is that your feelings do not overrule the facts, a fact is a fact it is what it is, you can feel one way about it, or another way, or even some other way about it, right? But that’s your choice.

Céline Remy 46:52
And the truth is truth. And you can change it, yes.

Kevin Anthony 46:55
given me a truth bomb.

Céline Remy 46:59
You know, and this is really important to understand, too, because it’s okay to feel whatever feelings but don’t act when you are in feelings. And I say that a lot when we work with clients and coaching. And especially when it comes to a lot of people using porn, or masturbation to help them SUV, a particular feeling they have whether it’s anxiety, or nervousness, and I always tell them to first take care of the feeling.

Céline Remy 47:32
Do something else, maybe go for a walk on the beach, play guitar, breathe, meditate, and then go to the thinking they usually do if it’s porn or masturbation because you want to start to dissociate these two. And this is really important, especially with jealousy, because jealousy is not very, it’s not rational.

Céline Remy 47:57
And when you really look at it, you can see that you kind of probably went way overboard. There might be some things to it. But a lot of it is your own addiction, to see your suffering. So you need to be able you have control over how you feel. That’s the only thing that you can control is how you choose to react and feel to certain situations.

Kevin Anthony 48:22
Yes. And that’s it’s basically giving yourself a cooling-off period. Right? Yes. So that you’re not overreacting based on your feelings?

Céline Remy 48:29
Yes. Number four, remember that uncertainty in relationships? is normal. And we talked about that earlier?

Kevin Anthony 48:38
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it’s totally normal to have those feelings from time to time. If you’re having them all the time, then that signals that there’s something wrong in the relationship,

Céline Remy 48:47
but it also that you could lose your partner at any time. It is just what it is. It is a truth.

Kevin Anthony 48:56
Yeah, don’t focus on that. No, be aware of it. But don’t focus on oh my god, this could end and you’ll drive yourself insane, literally, but, but do have a realization that nothing in this world is permanent. And things can happen at any time. And, you know, how do you want to live between now and whenever something happens? Right.

Céline Remy 49:15
Number five, examine your assumptions about relationships and human nature in general. Do you tend to have negative assumptions a lot? Or are you more like, positive? Are you creating your reality because you’re constantly focusing on what you don’t want? Which tends to happen? Or are you speaking in what you want?

Kevin Anthony 49:44
Yeah, a lot of people don’t realize how much they self-sabotage themselves in their relationships by always focusing on the negative.

Céline Remy 49:51
I don’t want you to go there because then you’re like, you’re gonna not give me attention. I’m not gonna see you in this and This happens,

Kevin Anthony 50:01
this is actually a big realization that one of my clients had, and I think we mentioned it on a previous show. But, you know, he went on a trip with a friend of his. And the trip apparently was awesome. And then on the way back there driving and his friends asked him about the trip.

Kevin Anthony 50:16
And all he’s doing is recounting the few things that were so awesome about the trip, even though the majority was awesome. And his friend just called them out on and said, Why do you always focus on the negative? I mean, the reality is, from what he describes, to me, I’d say it was 90%, positive 10%. Negative, there were just a few things that weren’t, you know, as great as they could have been.

Kevin Anthony 50:36
And that’s what he was talking about. When asked about the trip. It’s like, Whoa, really. And a lot of times, we don’t realize that we do that.

Céline Remy 50:43
And any relationship, it’s so important. Like, please remember, you never accomplished anything like with criticism. It, there’s no such thing as constructive criticism. If you want to change, focus on the positive and what you want. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 50:56
absolutely. There are a lot of bosses and employers out there that could radically change the productivity of their workforce if they could understand that principle.

Céline Remy 51:06
That is so true. Number six, communicate, we said all the time, your partner is not a Jedi Mind reader, you can expect your partner to know all these things, please communicate.

Kevin Anthony 51:18
Number seven, trust and let go, who. That’s the hardest one for a lot of people, but you need to trust and you can trust if you’ve really set the foundation. And if the foundation is there, and you’ve put in the work and the time to establish it, then it’s not that hard to trust and let go.

Kevin Anthony 51:34
Absolutely. It doesn’t, by the way, mean, become complacent and just like set it and forget it. That’s not what trust and let go means trust means you set the foundation, you trust the other person in the relationship, you let go of all the insecurities and jealousy, but you’re still putting in the effort on a regular basis to maintain the trust and the relationship. Remember

Céline Remy 51:57
that was with another with girlfriends, and I was trying to get you to go to the beach. And I wasn’t going to be able to join you that day. And she was like, Hey, I could go with you to remember if that’d be cool. You guys should go together because it’s more fun to be with somebody else. And she was like, one that way I can keep an eye on Kevin for you.

Céline Remy 52:18
And it was so funny because I went like what? Like, it never even occurred to me. I said I trust him, I have no problem. He can go to a nude beach like no problem, you know, like, and it was funny because that was her thoughts. And it never ever entered my mind. And so that’s the kind of things we talking about, especially when we’re talking about jealousy, good woman. Okay, number eight, give your partner some space, don’t try to keep a tight rope. So when people feel jealous and think, if I can just squeeze this juice out of his bottle, as much as I can, yeah, there’s nothing left. It doesn’t work.

Kevin Anthony 52:59
Oh, I’m gonna pull a total geek reference here. And remember in Star Wars, right when they’re talking about the Imperial forces, and they said, the tighter they grip, the more star systems will slip through, right? And that’s the reality the harder you squeeze something, the more stuff squeezes through all of the cracks, right?

Céline Remy 53:20
Number nine, stop comparing yourself to others, which leads to number 10. Love yourself enough to be brave enough without it comes down to that self-love. And then number 11 Make sure you are both all in,

Kevin Anthony 53:43
in that relationship. And we talked about that at the beginning of the show. So we don’t have to say a whole lot more about it. But it’s huge. Basically, in any serious relationship that you’re going to enter in, you need to decide what you are in. It’s just like you if you compare it to, you know, sports, let’s just say mountain biking or like motocross racing, right, you’re gonna hit a big jump.

Kevin Anthony 54:07
If you go into that jump, not sure whether or not you’re really going to make the jump and like you’re a little hesitant, so maybe you don’t quite give it enough speed, you are guaranteed to crash. You have to commit. And if you’ve done any kind of extreme sport like that, you know, commitment is the key. Same thing with rock climbing. It’s a hard move, right? And you’re way above your last piece of gear. And it’s like do you do the move half-assed? No, because you’re going to take a huge whimper off that rock right hey, you

Céline Remy 54:37
the relationship is an extreme sport.

Kevin Anthony 54:40
Yeah, sure. So the point is you have to commit right? You have to give it everything that you’ve got.

Céline Remy 54:47
Yeah. So we’re gonna quickly go over some of the cheating. Really, it definitely deserves a whole episode or much more deep digging into it. You know, we’re not here to condemn cheating. The cheater, the GED like you gotta get out of the mentality that there’s a victim and an oppressor because it takes to the person who went somewhere else was probably pushed there as well. So both people in the relationship have to take responsibility.

Kevin Anthony 55:19
That’s generally the case. And I know there’s a ton of people listening right now who have been cheated on her going. Not in my case. Yes, in your case, do

Céline Remy 55:27
Yeah, it just is how it is, you know, but, you know, you gotta think you got to find ways to get your needs met. So okay, so you need to think outside the box. Sometimes it means redefining your relationship. So that it’s not called cheating. Sometimes, you know, whatever it takes, but if you’ve been caught, have you mentioned it or whatever, it’s in the open. Number one, you have to talk about what happened and why.

Kevin Anthony 55:55
Yeah, so So talk about what happened and why. And I also want to say, let’s just say you haven’t cheated yet. So we’re talking about, you know, preventive, preventive, so find ways to get your needs met, you have to really talk about what those needs are, why you have them, and try to come to some compromise. Yeah,

Céline Remy 56:16
you gotta commit to being open and honest with each other from then on.

Kevin Anthony 56:22
This is hard because a lot of people don’t really want to admit what their needs are, they literally are afraid to say, look, I kind of have this need to have sex every week, which you know, for some people are like, every weekend, like every day, but when you really talk with married couples who’ve been together for a while,

Kevin Anthony 56:41
most of them wish they had sex every week because you know, it’s more like once a month, or sometimes once every three months. So anyway, you just have to really be honest about whatever your needs are. Even if they sound ridiculous,

Céline Remy 56:54
you got to be willing and able to do the work to heal. So whether it’s hurt feelings, whether it’s cheating has happened, there’s a phase of healing and repair that needs to happen. And both of you have to commit to it.

Kevin Anthony 57:09
Yeah. And again, just to take this out the cheating has already happened. You have to be willing to do the work and heal, so that you can prevent cheating, right? So let’s say that cheating hasn’t happened yet.

Kevin Anthony 57:21
And you’re having this talk about what your needs are, and why they aren’t being met, maybe those needs aren’t being met, because there’s some work that needs to be done. And there’s some healing that needs to happen with one person or the other, or the relationship itself.

Céline Remy 57:36
Number four, decide what being monogamous looks like for both of you.

Kevin Anthony 57:41
And it can look many different ways. We’ve done multiple shows on that. Let’s hence the Think outside the box, there can be ways to make this work for both of you that are different that maybe than what you were taught,

Céline Remy 57:53
there’s not one way to do a relationship. It’s your relationship. You do any rules you want. As long as both of you play the same rules.

Kevin Anthony 58:00
Yeah, as long as you’re playing by the same rules, and you act in integrity. Yes. All right, let’s see. So that was under number one, which was fun ways to get your needs met think outside the box, then we gave you a little bit of a formula for how you can go about getting those needs met. That were those four points. Next is to realize the grass isn’t always greener.

Kevin Anthony 58:20
On the other side, we mentioned this at the beginning. And it’s definitely a point we wanted to make when it comes to cheating. A lot of times people are struggling in their relationship, they see a shiny object squirrel right out there, and they go, You know what, that looks way better to me, and I’m gonna go for it. The reality is it rarely ever is. And the shiny object will become dull.

Kevin Anthony 58:42
Because wherever you go, there you are, and you’re taking yourself and all the problems that you have yet to resolve with you to the next shiny object to the next squirrel. So realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side. And most likely, if you would just put in the work to fix your own relationship. You could polish that sucker up so that it is shiny, shiny, shiny, and bright.

Céline Remy 59:07
Understand how disruptive this behavior is to your current relationship. So if you are cheating, gotta you have to understand that.

Kevin Anthony 59:15
Yeah, I mean, a lot of times people think it’s just a little cheating. It’s just when I go on a trip or it’s just one time like it’s no big deal. The thing is, if you’re going to fix this, you have to understand how destructive This is. If it is found out the chances of recovering after that are not that great. It is highly destructive.

Kevin Anthony 59:43
And you have to understand that if you understood that. I personally think if a lot of people truly understood how destructive it really is. They might make different choices. That’s true.

Céline Remy 59:52
And last but not least, maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you, and you’re trying to make it fit And then you’re trying to get you to coward to call it quits. So you go cheat? Well, it might be time to really look at things and be honest.

Kevin Anthony 1:00:10
Yeah. And that’s the thing is, you know, yeah, we say, you know, don’t cheat, put in the work, you know, do what you need to do to fix the relationship. But in some cases, it’s maybe just not the right relationship for you. And you just have to be honest about that.

Kevin Anthony 1:00:24
And you have to go, Okay, this isn’t working, we’ve done everything we could maybe it’s time to transition and move on. Rather than say, Well, I’m just going to keep things the way they are and cheat on this side. Right? That’s never the right answer.

Céline Remy 1:00:40
And again, you know, there are some people who are okay with what they have. They’ve, they’ve established wealth, and family, and then they are okay with turning a blind eye to anything as it happens. And if that works for both, both are the key, have you keep it recommended, ultimately, because I’ve had several clients like this, and I’ve worked with one of them for several years, and he kept saying, Okay, I’ll divorce you, I’ll divorce her.

Céline Remy 1:01:10
And what I saw, he just, he was too weak. And ultimately, he came to a place where I think it was like the mid-50s. And then he realized he wasted half of his life. And then he had some massive health issues. And that forced him to make the changes he needed to do. And then that’s finally what helped him to see that because he was so out of alignment.

Céline Remy 1:01:39
If he wanted to enjoy his life, at least part of what was left. He needed to make those changes. And that’s what it took. And so sometimes you think you can, but you buddy notes.

Kevin Anthony 1:01:51
Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. Whew. That was a long episode. We hope that you found it very valuable. We know that these are big things that a lot of people encounter in their relationships. So hopefully you took some tools home with you that can help you when these things arise.

Kevin Anthony 1:02:10
All right, everybody, that’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 1:02:27
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault

Kevin Anthony 1:02:42
Thanks for listening. And remember,

Céline Remy 1:02:44
you’re amazing