How To Course Correct Your Relationship

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 212. And it’s titled How to course correct your relationship. Okay, so a lot of the work that we do is in helping couples course correct their relationships, they come to us because something’s not working, right?

Kevin Anthony 0:47
And they are off course the course that they want to be on. So they recognize that there’s something going on, that they don’t like something they want to change something they want to fix.

Kevin Anthony 0:59
And so we put together a show, I should say, really Céline put together a show that really gives you a great framework on how to start to get your relationship back on track and how to course correct it.

Kevin Anthony 1:16
And I just want to say, you know, the majority of the shows that we put together, we usually do together. But every once in a while one of us has an idea and just runs with it, and just does the whole show. And today, this was definitely salines brainchild, she had the inspiration.

Kevin Anthony 1:34
And she went through and by the time I sat down at the computer, she’s like, I’m done. So I just wanted to give you a little shout-out for that.

Céline Remy 1:44
Well, thank you, Kevin. You know, really the idea came from if you’ve been listening to the Love Lab podcast, and you’re like, Okay, I have an issue with boundary setting, or I stuck in bed, or this is not happening, you know, it can feel very overwhelming.

Céline Remy 2:03
Or maybe you’ve reached out for help. And I was looking at some stats, and about 70% of marriage counseling is a failure 70%. And so a lot of people turn to the wrong places to get the kind of help that they need.

Céline Remy 2:03
Not to say that therapy doesn’t work, or that counseling doesn’t work. But oftentimes, people get stuck in patterns. And in things that don’t work, focus a lot on the negative. And wherever you put your energy on its expense.

Kevin Anthony 2:45
Right? So there’s the idea that you know, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make a drink, right? So we’re not faulting, the counselors or the therapists. I mean, I’m sure that there’s there have been people that have come to us that like, had tremendous success while they worked with us.

Kevin Anthony 3:02
And then they went home and crashed and burned again, right? Like, there’s only so much you can do because you bring you to wherever you go. Right? So I think part of what you’re saying here is that, yes, work with a therapist, but or counselor or coach or whoever.

Kevin Anthony 3:21
But also you need to really understand and know the things we’re going to talk about today. Because ultimately your success is up to you.

Céline Remy 3:28
It really is. And I think there are different modalities that seem to work better. So therapy, versus coaching, I believe coaching has better results for most people because coaching forces you to be accountable. therapy sometimes enables you to stay a victim for a really long time.

Kevin Anthony 3:49
Yeah, well, we could, we could talk a lot about sort of our take on therapy, one of the problems we find is that they spend way too long, just going over the thing that traumatized you, to begin with, thereby re-traumatizing you over and over again.

Kevin Anthony 4:07
But anyway, we won’t go there. We really don’t want to bag on therapists because they have a place and you know, there’s they do good work too. But at the same time, we want to just point out a few things that we think maybe coaching does a little bit better.

Kevin Anthony 4:20
And really this isn’t about pitching, or coaching, right? Because obviously we do coaching. We have a vested interest in getting you to believe that coaching is better. Like we can state that up front, right? We understand that. But what we’re trying to do here is to empower you with tools so that you can make decisions on your own.

Céline Remy 4:40
All right, so before we get started, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. If you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com.

Céline Remy 4:56
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Kevin Anthony 5:09
You know, we’ve been reading this ad for power mastery for a long time. And you know, we created this course a few years ago. And when we created it, we were like, this course is amazing, it’s fantastic. Like this is going to do so much good for the world.

Kevin Anthony 5:29
But in the years that, you know, we’ve been selling it, we haven’t really gone back and really reviewed it. And so we’re in the process right now of reviewing all of our courses, and looking for if is there anything new that’s come out since we made it that should be in here. So that’s a process we’re going on.

Kevin Anthony 5:49
But I’m not telling you that to tell you that what I’m the reason I’m telling you that is because in that review process, I’m watching, I’m literally going through the entire course as if I were somebody going through the course.

Kevin Anthony 6:02
And I was actually kind of blown away by how good it was, I so far started with the power of your actions. I was like, damn, we’ll put together a good course. You know,

Céline Remy 6:14
I think we weren’t as relaxed, as we are now in our delivery. But the content is

Kevin Anthony 6:21
the content is fantastic. And honestly, in that particular course of new things to add, I only had a couple of things, and they’re brand new technologies. Cool.

Kevin Anthony 6:33
So I just, you know, hey, you know, here we are talking about how great coaching is and how great our programs are whatever, but I was actually really blown away about how good it really was.

Kevin Anthony 6:45
And so I highly recommend if you’re struggling with any of these issues, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, not good in bed, you know, you need to up your skills, you need to learn intimacy, I’d like really need to go to Power master.com. Okay, enough of that.

Céline Remy 7:01
So let’s start maybe with some of the mistakes people do. So you identified that there’s a problem you need to course correct. But if you make any of these mistakes, it might hold you back.

Kevin Anthony 7:15
Okay, so we’ve got three main mistakes here. Number one, thinking your relationship struggles will somehow just go away? That is so bad. It really isn’t. So people fall into this one? Because the reality is, is it’s hard to do the work. Yes.

Kevin Anthony 7:35
And so people don’t really want to do it. They just hope that if they just forget about it, and close their eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist, it’ll somehow fix itself. But it never does. Not only does it never get better, it usually gets worse. So, you know, they always say where your attention goes, energy flows, right?

Kevin Anthony 7:58
So it’s like this idea of like, what you pay attention to, is what’s going to grow and thrive. And so if you’re not paying attention to these, and you think that somehow it’s all just going to magically work out, it’s probably not because you’re not actually putting the energy into it to make that happen.

Kevin Anthony 8:17
And that’s the thing is, you really have to just acknowledge that there’s an issue here and that something needs to be done about it. And then of course, take action.

Céline Remy 8:29
Well, mistake number two could be an action you taking that works against you, which is about taking your friend’s and family’s advice. You go around, ask everybody how you should do this, or what do they think about that?

Céline Remy 8:44
Now, here’s the thing, most people mean well, but they themselves are in crappy relationships. They don’t have the tools, especially with family. They think they know you. But really, it’s been 20 years since you left home. And they know a version of you.

Céline Remy 9:07
And it might not be who you truly are now. So their advice could have been valid two decades ago but doesn’t really apply right now.

Kevin Anthony 9:17
Yeah, so this, this is a huge one. So the way it kind of usually goes down is this, somebody struggling in their relationship. They rarely go ask their friends or their family or anybody else for advice. I mean, sometimes they do.

Kevin Anthony 9:32
Usually, they end up complaining about their relationship. Oh, that’s not going well, or I wish he or I wish he would do this or she would do that. And then the person says, Well, you know what I would do? Do you know what I think you should do?

Kevin Anthony 9:48
And then they give you their advice. The problem is, is that most of these people aren’t in healthy relationships either. Even if they are together. Maybe they’re not arguing like you are maybe they’re not on the verge of divorce. They’ve got all their own problems. The problem is they’ve just never really learned how to have great relationships.

Kevin Anthony 10:05
And if you really think about it, who do most people go to? If they’re looking for help, right? They’re gonna go to family, close friends, and if they’re religious, potentially, you know, a priest or a rabbi or somebody like that.

Kevin Anthony 10:22
But in most, let’s just tackle the easy one first. In most religions, the person who’s going to be giving you advice on your relationship has never actually had a relationship. Yes, in some religions, rabbis and priests can marry but in many of them, they do not.

Kevin Anthony 10:43
So they’ve spent an entire lifetime, not in a relationship, and somehow they’re qualified to give you relationship advice.

Kevin Anthony 10:51
They say no, in the Catholic Church, used to be years ago, that before you got married, you went and had a consultation with the priest, the priest who’s vowed to be celibate, and never have a relationship, and he’s gonna tell you what you need to know before you get married. Are you kidding me?

Kevin Anthony 11:06
Yeah, come on now. Right. And then there’s family. So the overwhelming majority of families, you know, couples didn’t really have the most successful relationships themselves. And the reason why you can’t have good relationships is that they imprinted all of their bad habits on you not, not totally, you learn some on your own.

Kevin Anthony 11:31
So it’s not 100% Your parent’s fault. But a lot of what you’ve learned about how to interact with the opposite sex comes from watching your parents when you’re young. How did your parents interact? How did they show love? How did they communicate? Right?

Kevin Anthony 11:48
These are all things that you learn through osmosis, just by sitting there as a child watching. Right. And of course, there’s, there’s the whole idea about your the way you learn to communicate has a lot to do with how you communicated with your opposite sex parent, right?

Kevin Anthony 12:04
So in other words, here I am in a relationship with a woman, and how I learned to communicate with a woman has a lot to do with how my mother and I communicated because she was the primary female in my life for the first, you know, many formative years.

Kevin Anthony 12:21
So these are not necessarily the best people. Now, I will admit that over the years, since you’ve been a grown adult, your parents could have done a lot of work and could have really fixed all of their relationship stuff, too.

Kevin Anthony 12:36
So it is totally possible that they are highly qualified to help you or at least further along than you are, right, because to teach somebody, you just need to be further along than they are, you can at least teach them up to the point that you’ve gotten to right.

Kevin Anthony 12:51
So it is possible. But in general, taking advice from friends and family is not that good. Oh, this, I almost forgot friends, this is another great one for your single friend, who all want to give you advice on how to have a relationship, excuse me, but you’re single, right?

Kevin Anthony 13:13
Now, granted, stuff happens that is outside of your control, you can be an amazing person, and the relationship just didn’t work out because the other person just couldn’t meet you there. Alright, I get it. That happens. However, the majority of the time these people have their own relationship problems.

Kevin Anthony 13:31
And this is why they are not in a relationship currently, or why they’re in and out of relationships all the time. And therefore the probably not the best person to give you advice.

Kevin Anthony 13:41
All right, well, I want to move on. I know sorry, but I just that one is it’s a big pet peeve of mine. So sorry, I rambled a little bit on it. But

Céline Remy 13:51
the last mistake, is that I want to get to the meat of this broadcast. But the last mistake is that many people just try to fix things on their own. And most of the time you like the fish in the water, you are too close to see things you’re not realizing you’re in the water.

Céline Remy 14:07
And you need an outside perspective. Now some people can do it with having a book, or course something from the outside like this will average the more hand holding and that would require working with somebody but you got to figure out a way to have an outside different view to help you see the world that you’re indifferent.

Kevin Anthony 14:32
Yeah. And you know, a lot of the inspiration for the show actually came from something that happened recently. So a friend of mine that I hadn’t talked to in many years happened to reconnect with me and social media.

Kevin Anthony 14:43
He saw posts for the podcast, and he actually started listening to it and he sent me a personal message and he said, you know, your podcast is really amazing. And I just wanted to let you know that it spurred a really good conversation with me and my partner and that was fantastic.

Kevin Anthony 15:01
He said that, that it opened up a conversation for them. And they were finally able to talk about stuff that they hadn’t been able to talk about before. And so it’s just an example of, you know why choosing something from the outside can be helpful, whether that’s a coach, whether that’s listening to a podcast, or reading books on relationships, it’s like, sometimes you just don’t know what you don’t know.

Kevin Anthony 15:24
And therefore, bringing in outside resources, can one teach you stuff but at least point you in the right direction of what it is you should know and should be doing.

Céline Remy 15:36
So let’s start with something we want to identify which area you want to focus on. Because there might be multiple places in your relationship that are doing really well. And there might be places that are not, but you can’t address everything at once, because it’s overwhelming.

Céline Remy 15:55
That’s a recipe for failure. So we’ve broken down what we call the 12 nutrients of a relationship, meaning there are like 12 things. It’s like four big categories with three subcategories in each that make the foundation of love relationships, in the middle is love.

Céline Remy 16:16
That’s granted, okay. But then all around the will, you have different nutrients that nourish the relationship. So you want to start to identify which one is strong, and which one is weak.

Kevin Anthony 16:30
Right, so what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna give you the four categories, and the different things in each category. And we’ll talk a little bit about each one, just briefly, you know what it means.

Kevin Anthony 16:41
But the idea is, you know, go back and listen to this again, and write these down. And then take an honest assessment of your relationship and see what are the areas out of these 12 that you might need some help with.

Céline Remy 16:55
And if you were to work with us, you know, we’ve got lovely handouts and things to help you and we walk you through that. But today, you’re listening to the Love Lab. So that’s how you get it.

Kevin Anthony 17:03
All right, the first category is physical well-being might as well start right there at the most basic. And we have three things within that. So the first one is relaxation, your ability to cope with the pressure and stress of life.

Kevin Anthony 17:20
So just briefly on this one, you know, we all experience stress, whether it’s work stress, family life, stress, relationship, stress, financial stress, whatever it is, like stress is there, it’s a part of life, unfortunately, they don’t call it the silent killer for anything.

Kevin Anthony 17:36
Because it really creeps up on you. And you don’t even realize how stressed you are until you have a heart attack or something like that. The reality is, is that stress is constantly sabotaging your relationship because you don’t show up as your best self in your relationship when you are stressed out.

Kevin Anthony 17:54
And that’s true for all of us. I mean, that’s just how it is. It’s like, when we are overly stressed, we’re not showing up our best. And it’s hard because we want to show up our best sometimes, and we just can’t. So you got to see, do you have the ability in this relationship to be able to relax?

Céline Remy 18:15
Number two, is your health? Is the energy an amount of good vitality that you have? How is that working? Is that a struggle right now? Or is it something that’s going well for you? Is it impacting your relationship?

Kevin Anthony 18:28
Yeah, that’s another one too, is like, you know, when somebody’s going through health challenges, how can they show up in the relationship, right?

Kevin Anthony 18:35
And it’s not easy. Let’s say somebody has a physical issue that they’re dealing with, like how do you maintain a healthy sexual relationship if you’re not physically capable, right? So that’s another area that you want to make sure that you are looking at.

Céline Remy 18:52
And then number four is your libido. It’s primal sex energy that drives you to live to create. So whether it’s to make children have sex to make anything in your life, where’s your libido? At? Is it high? Is it low? Is it flat?

Kevin Anthony 19:10
You should have a libido pretty much no matter what age you are, you should have a libido. So a lot of people think that, well, it’s just normal as I get older, I just don’t really have interest anymore.

Kevin Anthony 19:22
Well, that’s not actually true. There are plenty of people in their 50s 60s 70s We even have a neighbor in his 80s who’s chasing the women around all the time talking about his boners and you know, so there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have a libido so if you don’t, that’s something you want to look.

Céline Remy 19:43
So that was the physical wellbeing category. Remember, it’s about your ability to rest to relax your health and your libido. Now we’re going to move to the second part, which is the communication piece.

Kevin Anthony 19:57
All right communication. The first Sounds kind of like a foundation, right? Like you set the foundation and you make sure that that’s solid, and then we start moving into the other stuff.

Kevin Anthony 20:07
Yeah, communication. I’m sure that you probably wrote these categories in a particular order because when I look at them, they look in order of like, foundation piece first. Once that’s established, the next thing you need to do is like they really are in a specific order. Okay, so communication category.

Kevin Anthony 20:26
Number one is appreciation, your ability to celebrate the beauty and uniqueness of your partner, we teach appreciation a lot on the show, and in the work that we do, I’m sure you’ve heard us talk about it many times, if you follow our work, it’s hugely important to maintaining a healthy and happy relationship.

Céline Remy 20:46
And what’s the balance in the relationship? Have you shifted from appreciation to focusing on all the things that don’t work? Or are you still in the appreciation, phase nine communication, there’s another part that comes in, which is listening?

Céline Remy 21:06
You know listening is about you having to seek first to understand with empathy, listening is about wanting to understand the other without having to defend yourself, is just to seek connection.

Kevin Anthony 21:23
Listening is absolutely huge. And this is one that men generally fail pretty miserably. Women are pretty good at listening, I have to say not all of them, you know, we’ve definitely had some clients.

Kevin Anthony 21:34
Not so great at that. But in general, speaking in generalities, I think women are better at listening than men. Men often already have an idea in their head, and they’re just waiting for you to finish or they can tell you their idea.

Kevin Anthony 21:49
Sorry, man, it’s true. But you have to learn how to not do that. How to listen first and seek to understand and then form your opinion or your answer based on what you’ve understood.

Céline Remy 22:03
And this is why I chose the word listening under Communication. Because when people think about communication, sometimes they’re thinking, how can I dump all my problems and frustration on my current

Kevin Anthony 22:17
communication that’s complaining that is not communicating?

Céline Remy 22:20
Well, there is a misunderstanding, hence why I’m talking about listening.

Kevin Anthony 22:26
Very important. All right. The third and last one under communication is honesty, your skill at speaking your truth with integrity and kindness. This is really big. I did a video a while back.

Kevin Anthony 22:40
It’s on my YouTube channel called, how honest should you be in your relationship? And really, the answer to that is 100%. Honest, like radically honest. Now people say well, yeah, but if I’m really honest, it’s gonna hurt somebody.

Kevin Anthony 22:54
And it’s like, Okay, two things. One, it’s how you deliver it. Right? And two, you know, the reality is, is that in any relationship, you have to be willing to hear the truth about yourself?

Céline Remy 23:06
Yeah, I mean, that’s the that is kind of why you’re in a relationship. So you can become a better person and you mirror each other, you know, where your, well, you know, shadows are, or

Kevin Anthony 23:17
you should be using your relationships to become not only a better person but a better couple. Yeah, in general, but a lot of people, unfortunately, don’t do that. You know, it was one of the beautiful things, we’ve talked about it on the show a few times about some friends of ours who were together for about 10 years.

Kevin Anthony 23:34
And towards the end of their relationship, they really sat down and said, they had made a commitment when they got together, that they would stay together as long as then being together was doing more good for the world than not being together.

Kevin Anthony 23:48
And as the relationship changed and shifted, and things they each one and were different, they really had to sit down and honestly take a look at that and realize that, you know, what they were co-creating together was no longer a net benefit for the world, as it once had been.

Kevin Anthony 24:05
And so that for them was their decision. That was what sparked them to say, Okay, I think it’s time we need to move on. And so, you know, in any relationship, you should be striving to be one a better person, and to a better couple, and to radiate that out into the world as an example for everybody else. But the only way you can do that is if you’re really honest,

Céline Remy 24:29
I know. And this is really why I chose honesty in that piece. I know that for some people, it’s puzzling. But really, it’s freeing.

Kevin Anthony 24:41
Oh, it is and that’s the thing is people think that oh my god, like how could I possibly tell her how could I tell him this thing or that thing?

Kevin Anthony 24:49
And it’s like, the more you hold back, the harder is going to be to maintain a healthy happy, honest, and deep relationship, like you just, that’s the thing is, maybe a lot of times people just don’t take relationships that seriously.

Kevin Anthony 25:07
But you know, if you’re really going to commit to somebody, and you’re really going to be with them, you know, for the rest of your life, or at least so you think when you when you make that, that choice that really requires you to really kind of bare your soul and like, you gotta just, you got to put all that stuff out there.

Kevin Anthony 25:25
And if, if the person really loves you, they will actually love you more for having done that. The problem is everybody’s afraid. And they think, Oh, if she finds out this about me, or if he knows that about me, then it’s gonna be and if that’s the case, then they’re not the right person for you.

Kevin Anthony 25:41
And you’re better off figuring that out early on, rather than later, when your house and career and several kids and many years later,

Céline Remy 25:52
yeah, so that was the communication. It had appreciation, listening, and honesty, we have two more sections. Next comes intimacy.

Kevin Anthony 26:04
Intimacy, okay, so you got the foundation, the physical foundation. Next, you’ve learned how to communicate with each other. Now that you’ve got those tools, you’re going to move into intimacy.

Kevin Anthony 26:17
Okay, so number one under intimacy is trust, your confidence in your partner that there’s safety and respect, and we’ve talked a lot about trust on this show, and how to stand safety, and how important both of those things are.

Kevin Anthony 26:34
If you do not have trust, and you do not have safety in your relationship, you do not have a relationship

Céline Remy 26:40
plus share, and you can have great sex. No, no, you’ll

Kevin Anthony 26:43
never take her to those deeper levels of orgasmic bliss. She won’t open up,

Céline Remy 26:49
push your second touch. And I’m very specifically separated. Touch and sexuality. Unfortunately, most people tend to put them together,

Kevin Anthony 27:03
you touch my dick, now you got to do something about it.

Céline Remy 27:07
They don’t have to go to touch is your ability to express your affection through your senses. Sure, you can touch your dick, grab an ass, but you know, like stroke, an arm, a cheek, little kisses, you know, like, it’s so important to understand that it’s a category of its own because most people are like, they use it as a way to get to the sex.

Céline Remy 27:33
And so the, for some women, if he touches them a certain way, they know where it’s going to lead. So then they’re like, pull away from there. So they’re like, I don’t want to be touched because I know where it’s going to

Kevin Anthony 27:46
lead. Yeah, and it absolutely doesn’t have to lead anywhere. There’s actually a ton of research on this about people who are touched deprived, and how it affects them psychologically.

Kevin Anthony 27:57
Yeah. And this is why things like, you know, Cuddle Party and all that kind of stuff has gotten big because there are people out there who just don’t have somebody to meet that need for them. And it can be very psychologically distressing. I

Céline Remy 28:11
mean, we saw that with COVID and social distancing. You know, rise in suicide and depression,

Kevin Anthony 28:18
drug use alcohol use. Now, this was more than just a lack of touch, because it was also a lack of connection, lack of connection that that was the big thing, which we’ll talk about in the next category.

Kevin Anthony 28:30
But yeah, absolutely. I mean that we saw it massively during COVID How this negatively affects people.

Céline Remy 28:36
Yeah. So then the first one is sexuality. And sexuality is your capacity to have erotic orgasmic experiences and responses. Notice that separate from your libido. Your libido is under your physical well-being intimacy is trust, touch, and sexuality.

Kevin Anthony 28:58
Yeah, so your capacity to have erotic orgasmic experiences. So it’s basically your capacity to be able to really truly experience sex and feel your sexuality. It’s one thing to think I want to have sex, but then when you’re actually having sex, like, what do you do?

Kevin Anthony 29:19
For instance, I’ll give you a quick example. I had a friend reach out recently about an issue that he was having. And he was saying that you know, when he’s with a woman, he kind of goes into this pattern of sort of just like primal fuck, right?

Kevin Anthony 29:39
Where he’s not really paying attention to the person he’s actually having sex with.

Kevin Anthony 29:44
And so he was seeking some guidance for how to deal with that how what strategies could he use to be more conscious and present when he’s he’s making love and so the reason I use that as an example is that he’s got the libido. Hmm, right? He’s like, I want to fuck,

Céline Remy 30:03
but he doesn’t have sexual skills. Well,

Kevin Anthony 30:05
not only does not have the sexual skills but like, there’s the capacity to have erotic orgasmic experiences and responses there, he’s just checked out.

Céline Remy 30:14
Right? So intimacy is not working really well. No. So last but not least, there comes a connection. Because you know, intimacy is great. And especially if you’re in a new relationship, things work really easily.

Céline Remy 30:31
But you can’t rely on your hormones. And on this, like, newlywed period of your relationship, you need to know how to create connection, if you want to be able to have long-lasting passion.

Kevin Anthony 30:44
Yeah. And, you know, we needed to find connection just a little bit, because people think, Oh, well, I connected with them on social media, I sent them a message connected with them here, you know, whatever.

Kevin Anthony 30:56
That’s not really what we’re talking about when we’re talking about connection. And you’ll, you’ll get a better understanding of what we mean, as we talk about the three things that are under the connection category.

Kevin Anthony 31:07
So the first one is present, your ability to be right here in the now this is what we were just talking about with, you know, the person who reached out to me recently, we teach presents a lot in the work that we do, it’s a pretty big piece of our sexual Mastery program.

Kevin Anthony 31:23
And the reason for that is because it’s what every single woman says she wants from her partner. Like, we didn’t just pull this out of thin air, we didn’t just bar it, because some experts said you shouldn’t be present. Now. Every woman we talked to is like, what’s the biggest thing that you need in your sexual relationship?

Kevin Anthony 31:43
They may not use the word presence, but they always describe something that is present. They want you as the man to be fully present fully aware, and fully paying attention to them. At that moment, you’re not thinking about me, I’m just in fuck mode, right?

Kevin Anthony 31:59
Or, Oh, this feels good on my dick, or, Oh, I can’t wait to do that. Oh, I’m fantasizing about this other person. Oh, that porn movie. I saw it right. None of that. She wants you looking into her eyes. And she wants you to think about her. And oh, I noticed she moved a little bit when I hit a certain angle while we were having sex.

Kevin Anthony 32:18
Okay, that didn’t feel good to her. Let me make sure I don’t do that again. Or, Oh, I noticed that her breathing is getting faster. And she’s really liking this stroke that I’m doing okay, I’m gonna keep doing that. And maybe even check in with her from time to time.

Kevin Anthony 32:30
You know, that sort of thing. Just keeping that connection. Like I’m here with you. 100% I’m not thinking about anything else outside of what’s happening right here.

Céline Remy 32:41
And you know, it’s not just the men. A lot of women struggle with that piece of, we don’t call it presents weekly, like getting out of our head. This is very distracted.

Kevin Anthony 32:52
Yeah, for women, it tends to be thinking about the shopping list. To-Do list, the laundry, that kind of stuff. Yeah, that definitely happens more often than not, you know, we say often that, you know, this is more of a problem for men and then need to learn how to be present.

Kevin Anthony 33:09
And while that’s true, to some extent, I have made love with women who weren’t totally present. And honestly, it sucks. Yeah, you feel it, you feel that it’s really, it’s really not that good. Hello, was there?

Kevin Anthony 33:21
You know, when you’re 20? You’re like, Yeah, whatever, you know, like, at least I’m getting laid like, okay, but once you’re older, and you’re past that you’re like, Man, this sucks. Like, I could just go masturbate if she’s not going to be physically here with me. What’s the point?

Céline Remy 33:36
All right, so next on our list is a purpose, your compelling reasons why you are together. And so it’s bigger than, well, we like each other, we love each other. It’s like, what’s our reason? And you know, like, what Kevin was talking about, about being a couple makes us better, and also add goodness to the world.

Kevin Anthony 33:58
You know, most couples never think about this one. They never get together and say, what’s the purpose of us being together? Well, it’s

Céline Remy 34:07
going to help him in tough times. It’s going to help because sometimes things are not going to work the way you want. There are going to be setbacks.

Céline Remy 34:17
But if you remember the bigger vision, you can be patient for a few months, you can be understanding you can be kind to each other. Because, you know, the bigger vision.

Kevin Anthony 34:26
Yeah, and you know, your purpose can be all sorts of things like your purpose doesn’t have to be we’re

Céline Remy 34:29
going to change the world, right? We want to raise amazing children.

Kevin Anthony 34:34
It could be we want to raise amazing children, it could be we want to use this relationship to become the best version of ourselves. It could be we want to see just how much love we can create like, like, there could be lots of different purposes

Céline Remy 34:50
and the purpose can evolve. Because if your purpose was children 20 years down the road, you should have another purpose.

Kevin Anthony 34:57
Yeah, you should because your children will be gone and then you’re going to be Eli. Now what Yeah, exactly.

Céline Remy 35:04
Last but not least on our connection is freedom, your ability to make choices based on your values and have autonomy.

Kevin Anthony 35:13
Yeah, so freedom is huge in any relationship, but not the kind of freedom that a lot of people think. Freedom, I just go out and party and like, you know, whatever.

Kevin Anthony 35:24
And it’s like, the real freedom in the relationship is to be able to rely on your partner for advice or help with their particular unique perspective or knowledge. While always being able to know that ultimately, the decision is yours.

Kevin Anthony 35:45
And a lot of couples lose that in their couples ship, especially if they’ve been together for a long time. They think they can’t make a decision. Well, she won’t let me do this. Or he says,

Céline Remy 35:54
I can’t do that. And it’s like, in very like codependent very codependent.

Kevin Anthony 35:58
Exactly. And really where you want to be is, hey, what do you think about this? Here’s the decision I’m trying to make and what is your input? And then they give you your input?

Kevin Anthony 36:08
And you might say that exactly, that’s perfect. Great. Thank you. I’m just going to do that. Or you might say, Okay, I understand your point of view. But I think ultimately, what I really need is something else, right? And you need to be able to free be free to make that decision.

Céline Remy 36:25
And freedom is also about being able to be freely who you are. Oh, yeah, nothing bad.

Kevin Anthony 36:31
Big one. But you know what? You’re going to the truth bomb today for that one. Because you’re right, I, you know, I hadn’t even thought about that. But that is absolutely huge. You have to be free to be yourself, in any relationship, not holding back parts of you that you think the other person isn’t going to like.

Céline Remy 36:50
Exactly. Who’s so that was a connection. It has presence, purpose, and freedom. This is a starting point. Look at those 12 nutrients. Which one are you lacking? Which one are you doing well, that you know, congratulate yourself, and then pick one area, one at a time?

Céline Remy 37:10
And if all free in that particular category are off, pick just one and start working on that. After a little sponsor ad, we are going to tell you how to start the steps. I think we’ve got like nine steps. So

Kevin Anthony 37:26
we’re gonna have to go pretty quick. Okay, today’s sponsor is to really do me. Hey, guys, do you know what makes a man great, you know, the kind of masculine man that women are irresistibly attracted to?

Kevin Anthony 37:42
And want is money, job title, his physical body, being great in bed, how about a big penis? Great pickup lines. But what if you don’t have those are only some of them. What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships are embarrassed by your bedroom skills, doubt whether you can rise to the occasion, worry about lasting long enough, or are always stuck in the friend zone, then I can help you if you’re ready to make bigger changes and finally become the man you have always wanted to be, t

Kevin Anthony 38:13
hen this is the program for you to find out more, go to Céline remy.com forward slash go forward slash warrior that takes you to the page where I tell you more about the coaching work that I do.

Kevin Anthony 38:29
You know, ads like this, those things that I mentioned, all come from real experience from working with men. These are things that happen to men, these are things that I can help you with.

Kevin Anthony 38:39
We are of course, by no means limited to those things, there is a whole lot more than that we can cover. But if any of that speaks to you, and you are looking for help, please go to Céline remy.com forward slash go forward slash warrior and get the help that you need.

Céline Remy 38:58
Yes, Kevin’s awesome. So let’s talk about how you can create a new relationship with the same person a

Kevin Anthony 39:08
a new relationship with the same person? Yeah, based on the foundation that you’ve already created, and expanded to be even bigger and better.

Céline Remy 39:18
So number one, you have to understand that the grass isn’t greener somewhere else. You have to let go of that idea. Everybody kind of thinks that and they hold themselves back and like but what if, but over there, you either in or you out? Stop this. Rub this idea?

Kevin Anthony 39:36
Yeah, well, especially when things get hard, right? When things get challenging, and you’re actually asked to really show up and do the work. That’s when people start going. Yeah, I think maybe the grass is greener over there.

Kevin Anthony 39:47
Squirrel, right, you know. So yeah, you have to really let go of that because nine times out of 10 the grass isn’t greener over there. And that brings us to number two, which is, wherever you go, there you are.

Kevin Anthony 40:04
That was a title of a book written, I can’t remember the name of the individual who wrote it. But you know, it’s basically the idea is, is that you think the grass is greener on the other side.

Kevin Anthony 40:17
So you’re gonna go over there, but you just bring all your baggage, all your emotional junk, all your scarring, all that right to the next relationship, and repeat the same damn patterns all over again,

Céline Remy 40:28
which leads to number three, your ex-relationship, even this isn’t worth going back to. There’s a reason it’s in the past. Sometimes we glorify our ex-relationships, and most of it is not true.

Céline Remy 40:41
We just kind of pick and choose the good thing. And then some people are like, it was so much better with so and so maybe I should just go back?

Kevin Anthony 40:49
No, you know, I honestly cannot think of, there are probably a few out there. But I honestly cannot think of a situation that we’ve witnessed this happened where it worked out. That’s true.

Kevin Anthony 41:03
I just can’t think of a single example where somebody went back and was like, all of a sudden, everything was great. And they got married happily ever after. Like, I can’t think of a single one.

Céline Remy 41:15
If that’s you, well, congratulations. I’m glad it worked out. But you’re an exception. Yeah, well,

Kevin Anthony 41:19
so we have a tendency in the human mind, this is just humans in general, to forget about the things that weren’t good. And to only remember the things that were good. This is like, this is what happens every time somebody like famous dies, right?

Kevin Anthony 41:35
And all of a sudden, everything is this glowing review of what an amazing person this was, and all the good they did for humanity. And then we forgot that at one point, they were in the news every day if we’re doing some fucked up shit, right?

Kevin Anthony 41:50
You know, like, that’s, it’s kind of human nature to forget those things. And so just be conscious and careful about that, that you’re not overlooking all the things that didn’t work.

Kevin Anthony 42:01
Number four. Number four, start by focusing on yourself, especially if you’ve been bad at setting time for yourself, give to yourself first, then you’ll have more. Yeah, so the idea here is, is that you can’t really give to somebody else if you’re depleted.

Kevin Anthony 42:21
And so one of the things you got to look at, and this is, this is a great thing too because, you know, I work with more single men than you and I work with couples together. And when I’m working with, and by single, I don’t mean like they’re single in their relationships.

Kevin Anthony 42:39
I mean, I’m working with just the man, not both parties in the relationship. And so one of the questions a lot of guys have is like, Can if I’m not doing this work with my partner, can I really make any progress? And the answer to that is absolute yes.

Kevin Anthony 42:57
Remember that everything is an inside job, you got to start by fixing yourself first. Now, granted, it’s great if we can do the work together. I mean, that’s better, so that everybody can be working on their stuff simultaneously.

Kevin Anthony 43:10
But don’t think that you have to wait for them to jump on board, you need to do your work, right? And that’s the whole thing about number four, start by focusing on yourself, especially if you’ve been bad at that as many people have.

Céline Remy 43:25
Yeah, and women listening, you’re probably going to relate to that you’ve been giving to your children, to your partner, to your job. When was the last time you took care of yourself, took a bath, did something you really wanted, and close the door for an hour without being disturbed?

Céline Remy 43:43
This is essential without you having self-care and time for yourself, you’re not going to have the energy to even want to have an orgasm and sex. So that’s how it goes.

Kevin Anthony 43:56
Alright, number five, have an open, honest conversation with your partner. See if you can see when things started to change and most importantly, be curious about what you each need now.

Céline Remy 44:10
So rather than dwelling on it, it was so much better before you could look at what did we do great before that work that brought us together. What did we stop doing? That kind of started the mess when?

Céline Remy 44:25
And is there something else different that you need now? Because you might be different people might have been a decade. And that’s important. And you can go through the nutrients of the relationship again. And look

Kevin Anthony 44:41
at that. Remember our communication category honesty. You’ve got to get really honest, and you’ve got to have that honest conversation.

Céline Remy 44:52
If it’s too hard to have without being triggered. That’s really when you need somebody else a third party,

Kevin Anthony 44:59
for sure. For sure, if you really can’t have that conversation without one or the two of you getting triggered, then you definitely need third-party help. Otherwise, you really risk making it even worse,

Céline Remy 45:11
for sure. And that’s kind of the one little thing to watch for. But if you’re able to do it, then that’s where the magic happens.

Céline Remy 45:19
Number six, commit to taking daily action to make your part of life more beautiful. Remember, you’re on the same team, you’re not playing on opposite teams.

Kevin Anthony 45:30
Yeah, that’s, you know, you’re getting a second truth bomb today.

Céline Remy 45:34
I’m on fire.

Kevin Anthony 45:37
Well, it’s really that idea that you’re on the same team. Yeah, like we say all the time to us like we committed to be together and to be a team. And so to be a team, you have to work together, you’re not competing against each other.

Céline Remy 45:51
Because if you compete against each other, you take away from yourself too.

Kevin Anthony 45:55
And you’re dividing your power, right, you’re more powerful together than you are in your own right. And especially if your interests are not the same, right?

Kevin Anthony 46:05
So then you could actually this, if I’m trying to take it in one direction, you’re trying to take it in another direction, how successful is either one of us going to be?

Céline Remy 46:13
No, it’s not going to be right. But also committing to doing one thing a day will make a huge difference. Because you’re going to put energy into the relationship. And that’s how it can thrive.

Céline Remy 46:26
Especially if you can have input from your partner on what they truly need, then it can also make a bigger difference, because there’s just no just shooting in the dark. You’re like this is something that’s going to make a difference.

Kevin Anthony 46:38
And they can be small things and they don’t have to be like big, how am I going to do something every day is going to be so hard.

Céline Remy 46:47
Well, and then we have the question on number seven to help you with how to do that. And that’s a question. You can ask each other every morning,

Kevin Anthony 46:55
which is what is the one thing you need from me today?

Céline Remy 46:59
One thing?

Kevin Anthony 47:02
You don’t answer that with a list of 10 things? It’s what is one thing what is the most important thing that I can help you with today?

Céline Remy 47:10
And that’s the key is like, if I did this one thing? Am I guaranteed to know that I will have contributed to your life until you draw your happiness? And that’s a yes. So you’re not really allowed to complain.

Céline Remy 47:25
And that allows you to force yourself to focus on what truly matters and not get lost because yes, dishes need to get done. the floor needs to be marked. This needs to happen. But really what truly matters, which one is the one thing

Kevin Anthony 47:43
at the end of the day or at the end of your life, you will end up asking yourself that question at some point. What truly matters? Yes, probably

Céline Remy 47:53
not. I wish I had my phone more often.

Kevin Anthony 47:55
It’s definitely not I wish I had spent more time on social media or watched more things on Netflix or anything like that. It’s definitely not Yeah, did the world the chores done right?

Kevin Anthony 48:07
Those are not the things that matter most in life, nor is it how much money you made, or whatever your career job title was, at the end of the day, you’ll look back and you will realize probably when it’s too late, what was truly most important. How do

Céline Remy 48:20
Do you punish that love? How did I love that make a difference?

Kevin Anthony 48:24
How did I show up for my partner? How did I show up for my kids? Right?

Céline Remy 48:29
Did my life matter? Yeah, for sure. Number eight, and you deal with gratitude and appreciation? I love this game. It’s fantastic.

Céline Remy 48:39
Each night you can end the day with what are you grateful for things you appreciate about each other? Again, that’s going to help you refocus on the things that you’re grateful for.

Kevin Anthony 48:50
It really helps you know, even sometimes when I’m like struggling and I’m in a bad mood or whatever, you’re kind of forcing me to play this game. And even though I don’t like it, it does still help.

Céline Remy 49:03
David So grouchy, and then come on, Kevin, just the effort of looking for something in your brain is going to start to send you feel-good hormones, and you’re like me and like you’re not looking.

Kevin Anthony 49:17
I looked no I didn’t really I really didn’t look. I wasn’t capable of looking at that moment. But it helps anyway. All right. The last one, number nine, do a weekly thing together and explore new things.

Kevin Anthony 49:34
So yeah, you got to do stuff together, not just the stuff that has to get done. cleaning stuff. Cleaning the house together is not really doing something together. Even watching a movie together is barely doing something together. Like do something to gather where you’re focusing on each other and go in

Céline Remy 49:54
and walk and hold hands. watch the sunset. Read a book together. Go try new restaurants. Try a cooking class. On your hobby thing, share with each other, your favorite hobby, and teach each other things. Read the Kamasutra book,

Kevin Anthony 50:13
play music together, sing together, yes. acts together. That’s a great one. No, this is there’s tons of stuff, which few

Céline Remy 50:19
ideas are throwing out there for you to gather? All right, well, shall we do the last one quickly here, maybe if you are, okay, we give you tons of things right now. And you’re like, I don’t know, I’m on my own, my partner is not helping just yet.

Céline Remy 50:36
What can I do on my own, we’re going to give you six things really quickly, just to help you get started. Because remember, if you change how you show up, and who you are, everything around, you will change.

Kevin Anthony 50:50
Alright, number one, reduce outside stressors. So we’ve talked about that quite a bit already. But take, take time to figure out how to reduce your own stress, don’t expect your partner to figure out ways to reduce your stress,

Céline Remy 51:03
please, please, please put away that phone for a few hours a day, or a whole day on the weekend, whatever. But just disconnect from technology for a while. Number two, move more and love your body.

Céline Remy 51:15
Especially if you’ve let yourself go a little bit. It’s important for physical well-being remembers as part of the nutrients of a healthy relationship.

Kevin Anthony 51:22
Yeah, and if you move more, you will be also reducing stressors, because physical exercise helps counteract, the evil forces of stress. And of course, love your body too.

Kevin Anthony 51:34
If every time you look at your body in the mirror, you are angry or upset at it, that’s not a good thing. So you got to find a way to love it. And you got to just love it for work wherever it’s at. And then if it’s not where you want it to be, make a commitment to get to where you want it to be.

Céline Remy 51:49
Number three has a new hobby, just trying some new things will spark up some energy.

Kevin Anthony 51:56
Yeah, that’s the whole idea when you get excited about something a new hobby, you can bring that excitement back into the relationship and you can share that with your partner.

Kevin Anthony 52:06
Number four, quality sleep is also very important. Again, if you’re tired, stressed out broken down, you’re not going to show up well for your relationship. So make sure that you address that

Céline Remy 52:19
your libido is not going to be working well. New quality sleep. Number five, slow down. Most of us just live at 1000 miles per hour,

Kevin Anthony 52:29
especially these days. So life is so so much faster than it was even when I was a kid. Yes. And that’s true for everybody. Obviously, when you’re a kid life seems super slow.

Kevin Anthony 52:41
You have nothing to do no responsibilities. But life, in general, was even slow back then compared to the way it is now. And so we back then we were so slow. Actually, we were bored a lot of the time.

Kevin Anthony 52:53
But nowadays things are so fast, that we actually have to figure out ways to slow it down. Used to be the reverse things were slow. We’re trying to figure out ways to speed it up and make it more fun. Nowadays, we’re like no slow, it’s too fast. It’s just slow down.

Céline Remy 53:06
Especially in the bedroom, by the way, slow it down. Right. And last but not least meditate. Meditation will help you rebalance yourself. The word meditation really means to become familiar with.

Céline Remy 53:20
So it’s also becoming familiar with yourself who you are your triggers how you react with how you show up. And learning to not just be so constantly responding to outside circumstances to learn to become more equanimous.

Kevin Anthony 53:37
Yeah. All right, we got through it all. Thanks. All right. We hope that was helpful for you again, you know, if your relationship isn’t where you want it to be, do not fret you can course correct. We gave you tons of tools here in order to do that.

Kevin Anthony 54:03
And of course, you can always seek help. Please reach out to us if you need help course correcting your relationship. All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 54:27
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 54:41
Thanks for listening. And remember, you’re amazing