How To Understand The Female Mind

Kevin Anthony 0:12
Welcome to the love lab podcast, a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy. And we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 148. And it is titled How to understand the female mind with Alison Armstrong. So you know, guys get a bad rap all the time about stuff like they don’t read directions when they’re putting anything together.

Kevin Anthony 0:47
Before we had cell phones, it was they wouldn’t stop and ask for directions. But I’m telling him, if you offered a guy a manual to how a woman’s mind works, he would take it. And he will read it or might skim a few things, but he will read it. There’s one thing that we all really want to know is what goes on in here. How do we deal with that? Right? Every guy wants to know that. So we have a special guest on the show today who is going to help provide some insight into that.

Céline Remy 1:17
I’m really excited about it. So before I introduce today’s guest that Let’s give a big shout out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections last longer or increase your sexual skills. There is something for you at power and mastery.com.

Céline Remy 1:45
Our guest today is Alison Armstrong. She started her exploration of human behavior in 1991. With her decision to study men, What a great idea really was to find out how she was bringing out the worst in them, and hopefully how to bring out the best. Her success in understanding men naturally led to studying women’s behavior and making vital connections between the two.

Céline Remy 2:11
Armstrong distinguishes human instincts that compel both men and women to behave in ways that contradict and undermine our own purposes, goals, values, needs, and relationships. She offers partnership-based alternatives giving millions of people access to more fulfilling lives, loving relationships, stronger families, and productive organizations.

Céline Remy 2:33
And if you haven’t yet, check out Alison’s work. You must do it. The Queen’s code, her book, totally changed my life and is still on the must-read list of anyone studying with me. So welcome, Alison, to the love lab podcast.

Alison Armstrong 2:49
Thank you. I’m really excited to be here. I liked your sponsor. Okay, what a way to kick off the show.

Céline Remy 3:06
We get right in; my favorite part is always to watch the guest’s face because they never know what’s coming. But I know.

Kevin Anthony 3:16
Alright, we are going to dive right in. And honestly, this first question is a bit of a doozy. So I apologize for that. I don’t normally ask such open-ended questions. But I kind of felt like we needed to lay a little bit of like common ground here so that we could then go from there like a little foundation?

Kevin Anthony 3:35
And basically, it is can you explain how the classic characteristics of men and women affect everything from attraction initiation follow-through commitment and how they’re different? Right? So I know that’s a gigantic question. What I’m really seeking with that question is this. Maybe you could just tell us a few basic key differences between men and women as it pertains to how they operate in a relationship.

Alison Armstrong 4:02
Yes, yes, I could do that. And probably the most important thing to do is you know, it like in transformation, they talk about peeling the onion, right, you just keep peeling the onion, and it’s the same and the same, the same, the same, it’s a new layer. And for me, I’ve been involved in transformation since I was 19 years old, so over 40 years and became a teacher and leader in various ways in my 20s.

Alison Armstrong 4:41
So when I brought the intention to transform our relationship to men forward in 1991 when my friend was called a frog farmer is awesome, right a woman who brings out the worst in men, and instead of Turning frogs into princes. Yeah, so So what happened, Kevin was, and this is just really useful for people. So I started studying men, right? And, and I had an opportunity to do that because I could call it coaching, I coached three men at the time. And whenever they did something that surprised me, I would try to figure out why.

Alison Armstrong 5:25
And then when I thought I knew why I would check with that, which if we just did this in a relationship, we could transform everything. My daughter and I transformed our relationship a couple of days ago because we just made a deal that we would verify with the other person, what we had concluded about that date, maybe I may have made this up about you let me know if this is true or not. It like we have a whole new possibility just by this commitment, verify, verify.

Alison Armstrong 5:58
And that’s what I did, I would come up with a theory about why they did what they did. And then I go to verify it. In the beginning, I was always wrong. always wrong, and not just a little bit wrong. Like when one time I asked, his name is Brooke, and I said, Did you do what you did last weekend? Because you didn’t want to upset your mother? And he said, oh, oh, no, I would never do anything in order to not upset somebody, and no self-respecting man.

Alison Armstrong 6:43
I was sitting there thinking, we’ll do it all the time. That’s where that conclusion came from. Right? And then after I realized, Oh, I’m projecting my motivations on to not just him, but to all men better examine that? Luckily, I get curious, right. So what I found out is totally run is like, so why did you do and I got a lesson in, in duty. And, and as a son, it doesn’t matter, his mother’s reaction, it doesn’t matter. Positive or negative, that he holds himself to account for fulfilling his duty as is.

Alison Armstrong 7:32
One of his duties is to help his mother, and that’s why he did that this weekend, even though he really didn’t want him. That was one of the first of 1000s of Who are these people? And, and so so the first however many years we’re just probably 10 years all about men. Oh, that man. But going why do I know that? Why doesn’t anybody know this? Oh, cuz women thinking this Oh, cuz women do this. Oh, cuz women look at it this way. Oh, cuz women project this underneath, right? So that was probably the first decade.

Alison Armstrong 8:11
And then the second decade was me realizing that as long as men didn’t understand women, men, were going to keep bringing out the worst in women. Just like women bring out the worst of men, and that especially our graduates who are trying so hard to bring out the best in their men and support their men and be amazing with their men, that they really needed the kindness, right, that the generosity of men not doing the things that were going to guarantee to bring out the worst in women and start doing the things that could bring out the best.

Alison Armstrong 8:50
So then I more like focused on the translation, right? How do I translate who a woman is, into a man’s way of thinking? And at that time, I knew enough about men to be able to do it, which was awesome.

Alison Armstrong 9:04
But we also found out that women didn’t know why women do what they do. And I found out men don’t know why they do what they do, that we don’t understand each other we don’t even understand ourselves. And, and that’s actually where we have to start because until we understand why we do what we do. And I have an important caveat to this. Until we understand that we won’t protect what brings out the best in us.

Alison Armstrong 9:37
We won’t guard against what brings out the worst in us. We won’t model for others. This is how you love me. This is how you respect me. Right? We leave everybody clueless until we’re clear. And then basically like the last five years have been about out? What is it? Male and female? Great to start about 10 years ago, what isn’t masculine and feminine? What is something else entirely? And then what is it male and female? What’s actually, as you peel the onion? Where are we getting down to human instincts? Right.

Alison Armstrong 10:21
So there’s so as near as I can tell, there’s a human instinct, which covers about 80% of it, then there’s what testosterone and estrogen do to our brains and our emotions. And that’s, you know, another 10% of it. And then there’s whether we’re in a committed state of mind an open state of mind, and that accounts for like, eight more percent of it, and maybe one or 2% is personal.

Alison Armstrong 10:49
Maybe it’s because of your upbringing, maybe it’s because of your ethnicity, maybe your birth order, maybe you said side, maybe your religion, maybe you’re socioeconomic may say maybe you’re, you know, like, with teeny tiny percentages, person. But if you, if you look, you know, if I started this, you know, down at the smallest part of the onion is being human, that’s how we normally a to it, that the biggest part of what we do to explain our own behavior, is I’m this way, right?

Alison Armstrong 11:24
Or you’re that way, cuz your dad, you know, or you’re just like your dad, like we, I call it false cause and, and that’s what has this, like, like, we’re just we’re chasing our tails because we’re not even looking at the real source of our behavior, which when you see it, it’s hard to connect the dots and makes so much sense. And it’s, it’s funny, you know, it’s really funny why we do what we do.

Alison Armstrong 0:00
And the adjustments, little tweaks we can make, to have our lives be so much better, just by seeing this one thing, you know, and so when you were talking about the Queen’s code, what happened to Kimberly, just by seeing single focus, right, just just like, just by starting to, there’s this thing called single focus, like they’re focused on something. Right, or, or listening, right listening to learn or waiting for the well just listen a little bit longer.

Alison Armstrong 0:00
Because men commit themselves to the question and go looking for the answer. And us rephrasing and then giving them multiple choices is so frustrating makes them give up, right? So, yeah, so I just you wanted a foundation, the foundation starts with being human. And that, and that we’re, we’re part of the animal kingdom, and we have instincts to survive. And, and we’re going to be at our worst when we perceive a threat, or an opportunity, which quickly turns into a threat because you might blow it. And, and then, of course, you’ve got fight-flight and freeze reactions to that.

Alison Armstrong 0:00
But basically, all the worst in human behavior, male or female is going to start by perceiving a threat. And I mean, we’ve seen that on steroids during COVID. Right, and that, most men and women have perceived different threats, and stuck in the same household, unable to agree on what the real threat is. And so you’ve got one person watching the stock market and somebody else walking around with disinfected.

Alison Armstrong 13:54
Absolutely. So So, so if we, if you just start with that, and then that safety, when a man experiences being safe, you’re gonna get the very best. When a woman experiences being safe, you’re gonna get the very best of her. And then the problems begin because we tend to have opposite things that make us feel sane. And so we’re constantly aggravating the other person’s sense of safety, and getting the results.

Kevin Anthony 14:24
Yeah, so there are so many pieces in what you just said. But halfway through, I was like, I’m gonna, I’m gonna summarize a couple of those things because I want to like drive it home with the audience. But now there are just too many of them. Basically, we’ve established that there are, there are things that are the same for all of us. And then there are things that are very different, not only between men and women but between every individual. And so I think that’s kind of our foundation, right? Because

Alison Armstrong 14:52
except for every individual is the smallest part, right? It really is the smallest part. Most women Most of the time, most men most of the time fair to say those things are fair to say.

Céline Remy 15:07
So, in your opinion, what do you think is the number one thing that a woman wants and needs?

Alison Armstrong 15:16
The number one thing is to feel safe. And the emphasis on the word feel, which causes problems. Yeah, we need to feel safe in our bodies in our brains, we need to feel that we’re safe. And most men most of the time are paying attention to based on the information that I trust. Are we factually safe? So a woman is freaked out scared, because she’s in the passenger seat, while her husband or boyfriend or father or son is zipping through traffic, she does not feel safe. And she may be having a fight response, which is easy to notice.

Alison Armstrong 16:12
She might have a freeze response or fleet let me out of here, and she might leave physically or just mentally she’s just to get out of it. But to the man driving, who the difference in his ability to the faster an object is moving, the greater the difference between a man and a woman’s ability to track it. So many women don’t have the same vision. You guys can track and we can find it because we already know where it is because we notice everything is out of place.

Alison Armstrong 16:54
We noticed everything is out of place because this is my meadow and some things out of place. who moved it? Is it a dangerous critter that moved that? Who puts that there who took that from there? Like we kept women in? We’re in our meadow and wait only a bear could knock over a tree? Where’s the bear? Is the bear still here? Am I gonna die? Whereas me I’m if you’re like how you’re driving is scaring me. When was the last time I hit anybody? Like facts like you’re gonna play this stat you never have?

Kevin Anthony 17:30
Yeah. I think that’s a huge, huge point that you just made, which is there’s the perception of the event. And then there are the facts of the event, the men tend to focus on the facts, the women tend to focus on the perception of what the word you use was more feeling.

Alison Armstrong 17:49
Because facts are also what you perceive as fact is information from a trusted source. And the huge things in life. We don’t trust the same sources. We read the net differently, we watch different news shows, we read different magazines,  you trust your father and I don’t write I like I trust my mother. And I know right? So a fact is an information from a trusted source.

Alison Armstrong 18:24
And this Kevin is one of the ways that women really, shoot themselves in the foot all the time. Because we prove to the men in our lives that we are not a trusted source of information. We become we become unbelievable. may give you an example. Yes,

Kevin Anthony 18:45
please. I was going to ask for what?

Alison Armstrong 18:49
Well, as a woman says, I’m so tired. And in her husband may say, I’ll put the kids to bed. You go sleep. And she’s like, Oh, thank you. And then she doesn’t. She doesn’t go to sleep. She finishes the dishes. She calls somebody on the phone. She curls up with a book, which is actually a way to put your brain to bed. But she says she needs something and then doesn’t follow through on it.

Kevin Anthony 19:25
And I’ve never seen you do that.

Alison Armstrong 19:35
Don’t know that we don’t follow through. Because of the way estrogen affects the brain. It’s our environments that are commanding us. They’re oriented around. They’re telling us all the time things to do. Right.

Céline Remy 19:51
I have to get the vacuuming done when I keep telling you this is awful. The house I can’t stand it. And he doesn’t understand that.

Kevin Anthony 19:59
Well no, no sorry. stuff that I don’t understand that I just prioritize differently, right? Because I look at it and I go, okay, you’re overworked, you’re tired. you’re stressed out. There are four other things that are more important than vacuuming the floor. I’m like, screw the floor. The floor can wait. Right? That but that’s, that’s again,

Alison Armstrong 20:18
you don’t know the floor is stressing her out,

Kevin Anthony 20:21
right? Oh, I know it. But

Alison Armstrong 20:25
no, you actually don’t. Or you would vacuum the floor.

Kevin Anthony 20:29
Well, sometimes I do.

Alison Armstrong 20:32
If you knew it, you would be like, Oh, she’s pretty frazzled, I’m gonna vacuum the floor. I really want to make love to my wife tonight. I’m gonna go make.

Kevin Anthony 20:45
In that case, I make sure I do this thing.

Alison Armstrong 20:51
But it’s but honestly, if they were done more regularly, women would just be more receptive, of course, to being intimate, because it’s so hard to it’s funny to explain this today when I first started explaining to men, about men being single-focused that most men most of the time, are committed to a result, a goal a destination, they’re even a good nap. They’re committed to it. They’re hunting that deer down. And most women, most of the time, are uncommitted.

Alison Armstrong 21:26
Where estrogen creates what I call diffuse awareness, it goes in every direction. And it’s what allows us to maintain a sense of connection, while also washing the dishes, while also keep an eye on somebody on a stove, or maybe checking our email because you have to do something in our business, our minds, they’re built to multitask for survival.

Alison Armstrong 21:50
We got to be able to look out for the bear and watch the kids and get the berries all at the same time. And when I first started explaining this demand, they’re like, okay, so women, so men are single focused, and women are multiple-purposed. No.

Alison Armstrong 22:11
That’s the hardest thing to realize. Imagine, no focus. Imagine an inability to prioritize. Imagine things get prioritized by how big or loud is it? How much is it in my face? How many times have I tripped over it? Just something for men to know women’s strength is in their pelvis. So not our shoulders. So for us to be powerful, coordinated, run from the tiger, we actually need a clear path.

Alison Armstrong 22:51
We need to not trip on things; we need to not have to step over things that put us off balance. You guys, your strength is in your chest and your arms. When you have something that your pelvis, it’s heavy. You get it up above your diaphragm and you go like, this is like, and you step over things and get things and you can do all kinds of things with your pelvis because you’re holding the weight in your shoulders.

Alison Armstrong 23:23
Sort of it’s just if we can see our environments from the point of view of what if I had to run? What if I had to get out of here fast? What would be a threat? And all those things on the floor? Right? I’m gonna I’m going to trip and fall and the title. And we don’t think this consciously. It’s just stressing a sound as you say. It’s nagging at us at it very primal level.

Alison Armstrong 23:58
And the same thing happens to a man when he’s not producing results. How many times can I fail before I lose the respect of the people that I depend upon to invite me to a big hunt, right to invite me to a bigger result? How many times can I fail before they don’t invite me anymore? So he’s not being productive the way he thinks he’s supposed to be? And he’s getting more and more afraid.

Kevin Anthony 24:29
Absolutely. We could dive into that. But I actually want to move along to a couple of more questions because we have a lot of questions.

Alison Armstrong 24:40
And we’re gonna never have enough.

Kevin Anthony 24:42
I know. But basically, what I’m saying is, I’m biting my tongue because I do want to talk about that particular thing a little bit more, but I don’t want to get lost in that. That fact, so I’m gonna let the listeners digest that piece. And then we’ll move along.

Kevin Anthony 25:00
The next question, actually, there was a perfect moment in what you were saying where it’s like, oh, see, you’re leading us right into the next question, which basically was, why does it always seem so hard for men to give women what they need?

Alison Armstrong 25:14
When because most women will never tell you. Just as most men will never tell women what they need. Unless they consider it a fact. Men need this, then it’s okay to say, I personally need it not okay to say that’s revealing a weakness. So women mostly won’t ever say what they need. And, and then men have this. This, it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful.

Alison Armstrong 25:48
And I am extremely, I am an excessively logical person. And if a woman says she needs, does it make sense to him? He is likely to invalidate it, and he won’t do it. Even though it would make the hugest difference. And one of the most important examples of that is saying, I’m sorry, I hurt your feelings. That is one of the hardest things for anybody to say, but especially men, because they’re stuck in the logic of how could I have hurt your feelings? If I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings?

Alison Armstrong 26:30
How could I have hurt your feelings if I don’t reach out and punch you in the chest? I didn’t hurt your feelings. Because clearly what hurt your feelings is? Why you think I did that. Not that I did that. So you’re hurting your own feelings over there. So why should I say I’m sorry, I hurt your feelings. The best I can do is I’m sorry. Your feelings are hurt. Which actually doesn’t work at the magic moments. I’m sorry, your feelings got hurt.

Céline Remy 27:02
She’s mouthing. Fuck you. Yeah.

Alison Armstrong 27:10
We swear for accuracy. Yeah, and it just like Kevin, it’s really, really, it’s almost impossible. But it’s not impossible. Because I’ve been for a woman to say to a man, I’m sorry disrespecting you. Because she’ll look in her body for a feeling of disrespect. If I have no feeling of disrespect in my body, how could I have disrespected you? Again, that thing of intent, right? intent feeling. So you’re over there all bent? Because I just activated your survival instinct.

Alison Armstrong 27:51
Because if you’re not disrespected you you’re not respected. You’re going to die, then, but I can’t apologize, because I didn’t feel any disrespect. So what’s your problem that you’re disrespecting? I just rented a Mitsubishi. When you said, I should rent a Ford, like, what’s the BFD here, right? And it goes back to women ask men for their opinion and has no idea what they just asked for.

Alison Armstrong 28:21
Or his willingness to give it what it meant. They have no idea how huge it is. And then we don’t do what you tell us. And we’ve disrespected year but I’ve never disrespected you. I didn’t feel disrespectful. So yeah, women, men have a terrible time giving women what they need. Because we don’t tell you and B when we do you don’t believe this.

Kevin Anthony 28:42
All right, that was actually a great answer.

Alison Armstrong 28:45
Yeah. And see, we don’t respond with a consequence. And I’m not a punishment, we there’s no consequence that has someone understand Oh, that was, which is how we again become unbelievable as sources. So we may tell you what we need. But since we don’t follow up, we must not remove it. So we’re unbelievable. So what you say is not a fact. Why should I?

Céline Remy 29:14
But we are complicated as humans.

Alison Armstrong 29:21
It’s brutal. That’s right. I mean, it’s actually good news that it’s not personal. You know, when you notice what went wrong with you? What if you’re doing the best you can with the information you have what if no one’s misbehaving, what if there’s nothing wrong with you? What if being human is just a really, really tough game? next lifetime, I’m going to be a horse or seat.

Kevin Anthony 29:55
Alright, we’re gonna pause for just a moment to do a message from our sponsor, which This week happens to be me. So guys, do you know what makes a man great, you know, the kind of masculine man that women are irresistibly attracted to? And want? Is it money, job, title, physical body? Is it because he’s great in bed? Is it because he has a big penis? Or maybe, maybe an even bigger wallet? What if you don’t have all those things?

Kevin Anthony 30:25
Or what if you only have some of them? What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships and are embarrassed by your bedroom skills that whether you can rise to the occasion worry about lasting long enough, or are always stuck in the friend zone. If that sounds like you who are listening, then I can help you for the first time in years, I’m actually opening up my private coaching practice. It’s been five years, I think, since I’ve coached clients by myself, usually I coach with my amazing wife here, Celine.

Kevin Anthony 30:52
But it’s time to step out and step up and try to help the men because I see them floundering all over the place, and they need help. So if that sounds like you, and you’re ready to make some big changes in your life, and then to find out more, please go to saline Remi comm forward-slash go forward-slash warrior that is where you can find out about working with me and set up a call so we can talk.

Céline Remy 31:17
So, Alison, I want to bring it to the bedroom. Because I think a lot of men are like, don’t really know, what do their women want? How can I give her what she needs, and it’s super confusing. What’s probably the one thing they need to do if they want to get more sex.

Alison Armstrong 31:37
I’m gonna say it in a particular way, help women feel safe. I’m not saying make women feel safe, because as a man, you cannot make her feel safe. Ultimately, a woman has to choose her own safety. Instinct is never safe enough. But you can help her feel safe. And our understanding women’s online course is all about that. How to have a woman help her feel safe, how to help her feel safe when she’s in what we call hunting mode, where she’s producing results, or how to help her feel safe when she’s in gathering mode.

Alison Armstrong 32:24
She’s open, and even how do you support her and having enough sex, when she’s in hunting mode, it’s a completely different set of things she needs versus when she’s in a gathering mode, and she’s opening connected. And there’s, there are things that men do that you don’t know the effect they have on us. And I would invite everyone, that’s right on our homepage. It’s free. It’s 30, a 30-minute excerpt from our understanding remove the course.

Alison Armstrong 32:57
And it just dramatically demonstrates safety for men versus women in a way that you could get it in your bones and realize how important this is to understand. But one of the ways that it does still, Kevin was I asked women what hasn’t feel safe. And I asked women what, what men do this romantic and have them want to sleep with them. Exact same things. Exact same things. He puts his hand on my back when we cross the street.

Alison Armstrong 33:39
Depending on the relationship, how low was the hand might be in the middle of her back. If it’s a new one, you’re just writing her request history I got yet right. gets lower as you go along. An incredibly sexy thing for women for a man to do that. And just this big. sigh the guard comes down. She’s opening up her mind and her heart and the legs swallow.

Alison Armstrong 34:10
And it combines with a perception of strength. So women are attracted to and turned on by a perception of strength. And all those things you listed Kevin. It’s not them in themselves, it’s that they’re perceived as a form of strength. That money is a form of strength status is a form of position is a form of strength. Physical size is a form of strength, intellect as his former strength.

Alison Armstrong 34:42
And honestly, the universal form of strength that any man, any age, any size, any anything can have. That gets the heart of the matter of what women need is integrity. When you say what you mean, and you mean what you say, you’re awesome. And I want to do you now.

Kevin Anthony 35:13
Yeah, I would totally agree that integrity is a huge one. And that was even something that came up early on in our relationship. Even before we were together because we were friends for a long time. And when my girlfriend at the time, and you were having some communications, and she was being rather difficult to deal with, your whole thing was like, I need you to be in integrity and stand up for what’s really happening here. And that was a huge thing for you at that time. I passed the test.

Alison Armstrong 35:45
I mean, it’s like the thing about the bad boy, right there, women are attracted to a bad boy. Only because it’s perceived as a kind of integrity, that he’s not going to count out. Right? How sim D remember that TV show? Right? an armory, rascal, way sexy, his own integrity. When a woman is accusing you of things, that she or her projections of a woman’s motivations onto you, and you’re like, I really care about you and we can”t entertain this conversation, because it’s not true.

Alison Armstrong 36:23
So when you’re truly interested in why I did that, then we’ll talk, and you walk away or you hang up the phone. Wait a second. For us, we know where we’re standing. We know we’re foolish. We know you have crazy reactions. We know we’re emotional, and it screws things up. When you can be like, darling, you’re wonderful and No. Oh my gosh, you can save me from me. I’m my worst enemy. You can save me from me. Okay, can I get a

Kevin Anthony 37:07
lady? She said it not me.

Alison Armstrong 37:11
So that’d be the beginning, where we’re quiet. What do you ask next?

Kevin Anthony 37:18
We’ve got more.

Céline Remy 37:19
I think you give a great example. And I always do say that, that I may not like it when you say no, but you say no to me makes me respect you and want you more. And men. Sometimes they don’t always understand that because they’re like, Oh, well, she’s not going to be happy. I say no. And I’m like, Yes, maybe not for a second. But in the long term, you are going to be the winner. Like that’s where you need to be.

Céline Remy 37:45
So I love that you brought that up as an example. I was curious if you had maybe a piece of advice or something to do for two men to instantly improve their relationship today. And I was especially thinking about the men who are in a relationship where they have more of what we call that reverse polarity where she wears the pants.

Céline Remy 38:05
And so now they’re starting to see that she has maybe taken more of the power, and he’s in that place where he knows he needs to step it up. Like what are some of the things that he can do right now?

Alison Armstrong 38:18
I was doing fine until you said power. Doesn’t have to be a power move. So we can set that aside. In this theme, I would.

Alison Armstrong 38:33
And even if you’re not in a relationship, ask your sister asked your mother ask the women you work with. Well, what do I do that helps you to feel safe? And what do I do that has you feel unsafe? and take notes. It’ll keep you from interrupting and going. Back to “oh that’s ridiculous.” For example, men raise their voices. And I mean, men yelling minimum men yelling It’s nothing.

Alison Armstrong 39:12
A man yelling around a woman is terrifying. Raise your hand raise your voice, raise your voice, raise your hand. That’s what we think. First, you raise your voice, then you’re gonna raise your hand. We’re, we’re the weaker and smaller gender. we’re accustomed to being hurt by men physically starts with our brothers. Do you know? So safety is it’s not just emotionally or mentally it’s physical. It’s physical fear. And, and there are things that men do my husband would just curse out.

Alison Armstrong 39:48
The convener didn’t do what he wanted on the internet, didn’t he? He would get so mad and I would have a primal reaction to that anger, even though he never, ever physically touched me in anger ever, right? 20 years, ever, it didn’t matter, I still had the same reaction because it had nothing to do with him. So you could ask that question. And in the answer to how can I have you? How can I help you feel safe? will be the same answer as what’s romantic to you, if it’s that context, how can I help you be more protected productive in your job?

Alison Armstrong 40:36
Women are productive when they feel safe. When they don’t, they’re rattled or scattered. They can’t, they can’t focus, they can’t get things done. Common Sense goes out the window. Like it’s just it’s asking your mom, you know, what do I do that helps you feel safe, you’re going to find out how to have a brilliant Mother’s Day, Father’s Day Thanksgiving, Christmas, because if mom’s safe mom is amazing. And then mostly we keep people in a state of agitation of fear. We will do that without intending to.

Kevin Anthony 41:18
Yeah, you know, I completely agree on the topic of safety. And, you know, maybe we should do another show on this at some point in the future because we’ve skimmed on it a little bit here and there. And we’ve given a few examples. But I think it’s really important for men to understand that what we think of safety may not be the same thing as what women think is safety. Right? That’s exactly what you said, way back in the beginning of the show, which is feeling safe.

Kevin Anthony 41:46
Because as you pointed out, as a guy, I’m gonna be like, I got the best locks on the door, you know, like, I know how to fight like, we’re safe, like all is good, which is not at all what she’s thinking when she’s think thinking she needs to feel safe. So yeah, I think at some point, we should dive deeper into what makes a woman feel safe, and how men can really help facilitate that because it’s a huge topic.

Céline Remy 42:09
And in the meantime, ask your woman and ask the women in your life as a great starting point. I love also that many times a lot of your recommendations Allison’s were too, to just be open-minded, we always talk about not being a Jedi mind reader, because you don’t know, right? And you can always assume and so just asking and showing up and being vulnerable and being like, hey, like, I’m willing to hear I’m willing to listen like this is a huge step. And that’s a great first step for sure. Yeah, we

Kevin Anthony 42:41
had some more questions around communication styles and differences, but we, unfortunately, do not have time to get into them. Maybe we’ll have to have you on again. We do, however, have one last question.

Céline Remy 42:51
Before that. I want to make sure that people can find more of you. Where can they go to have more of your work? Because you have a whole course on understanding women it’s 11 hours so our 45 minutes show is not going to cover everything that they can learn but where can they learn more?

Alison Armstrong 43:08
Well, if you go to AlisonArmstrong.com There are courses for understanding men and women’s sex and intimacy, love, and commitment. They’re advanced courses being extraordinary as a man or as a woman notice, really, how do you set up your life to bring the best out of yourself? And, I mean, there’s so much this free stuff there that people can read or watch or listen to. If you’re a man and you’ve ever been accused by women of being unhealthy, it’s a really nasty thing that women say.

Alison Armstrong 43:46
On our free staff, we have something called unhealthy men this the secret of early detection. And it’s worded that way to cap like to attract women who are just convinced All men are unhealthy, which is not true. This is basically a distinguishes these are the actual things that are unhealthy and you should stay away from. Do not attempt to rehabilitate, do not get all the rest of the things you think you’re unhealthy. are just men meeting what men need?

Alison Armstrong 44:20
So get aboard. It sounds funny you recommend that to him, but I do. We have another thing called why you can’t trust men to tell the truth. AKA how you teach honest men that it’s not worth it. Because women think men lie and we actually train them. Yeah, so a lot of good stuff there. And the Queen’s code is there and keys, the kingdom and amazing about man, all that good stuff.

Céline Remy 44:52
Awesome stuff. You got to check it out. So we’ll have the link in the description. We have our very last question to Ellison that we love to ask every guest on our show. show about what is your best sexual talent? She’s blushing. Ladies and gentlemen.

Alison Armstrong 45:19
I would say that my best sexual attempt my best sexual talent would be presence. I kissing, kissing makes you an amazing kisser. Because all my attention is on the kissing, the mouth kissing all the parts, all everything that couldn’t be done just without thanks.

Kevin Anthony 45:52
That’s a great answer. It’s actually a huge

Kevin Anthony 45:59
Presence is a master skill. So that was a good answer. It really is. I mean, because a lot of people don’t get it, they like if a guy is kissing a woman cuz he’s thinking about how we can get to the next base or whatever, right. And he’s not being present on where he’s at. So it really is a master skill, something that we teach, and I’m glad to hear that you not only teach but you’ve mastered it.

Alison Armstrong 46:23
Can I tell you something really cool?

Kevin Anthony 46:25
Absolutely.

Alison Armstrong 46:26
It’s not a master skill? Well, I mean, it may be a master skill, but it’s the warmer colder hot game. Did you play the warmer colder hot game when you were a kid?

Kevin Anthony 46:40
Yes.

Alison Armstrong 46:41
So the thing about the warm or cold or hot game is right, you have someplace you want the person to get to. Right, and they don’t know where it is. And they have to take a risk to get a clue. Right? So they make a move. And then you say warmer or colder, right? Or from where they began where they were right before then? Are they closer to it warmer?

Alison Armstrong 47:06
Are they further away? And then they take another step they have to take another risk. Right? And then they get another call. And they take another risk, and they get another, and the more risk they take and the more clues they get, the faster they get the hot and insects we need to play the warmer colder hacking. And if you think about it as a child, it wasn’t warmer. Oh, colder, you idiot. Right? It’s just they’re just equal emotion. Lack of emotion, just warmer, colder, warmer, colder.

Alison Armstrong 47:54
They’re just facts. colder. Well, there’s a cliff over there. Right? When we give each other cold clues. It’s a kindness, honey, there’s a cliff over there to look at colder, colder, right, warmer, warmer. And we got to give up the hot. A lot of people never say oh my gosh, that was hot. And so people were hot, and he didn’t even know they’re hot, because nobody told me. And what I love about Dan, is we were trying something new cuz venture buddies, we’re trying something new.

Alison Armstrong 48:24
And in the middle, he says Okay, stop. So how’s this going for you? I got I fell in love with him again. Because? Because so much of sex, right is if something seems to be working, don’t stop it for anything, keep going because then you’re gonna get there, right? And it’ll dance, you know, Tommy pleasure for playing or sake, there’s no place to get to. And, and so you know, something’s really pleasurable. And then we’d like to stop. So how’s it going for you?

Alison Armstrong 49:07
And well, this is like this. And this is like this Interworx Give me more or colder clues right in the middle of something that no one else would ever know. And then he loves it. I call it the postgame show. It might be immediately afterward it might be the next day. But there’s the postgame show. Like oh, so when you did this and that get like didn’t on your webpage at the time but and we literally coach each other and give you a lot of clues and a lot of encouragement.

Alison Armstrong 49:44
We make it really safe. Okay, how can we do better next time? And I mean, I swear within, they told him that I told people this yesterday. It was funny, but it’s true. We probably clocked maybe four If to make it ours wonder measured that way. And we were already told is best.

Kevin Anthony 50:08
Nice.

Alison Armstrong 50:09
Yeah. Because of all the clues in this risk in the safety just like such attention to acceptance of the other person and what does it?

Kevin Anthony 50:22
Well whatever that thing you were thinking of as the example in your head, it must have been good because you were blushing again. I will also say you hit on exactly why we named our podcast love lab podcast because our bedroom is literally our lab. And we do the same thing all the time, which is literally right in the middle of what we’re doing. Wait a minute, how did you do that? That was amazing.

Céline Remy 50:44
And we do the post-game too a lot, and that definitely keeps being juicy and keeps things going. Because everybody feels good when you are appreciated and rewarded and like celebrated. Then you get to remember the great sex and the great moves. So you want more of it. It really works. It has. So it has been a pleasure having you on today’s show. Thank you so much for sharing openly. We enjoyed it very much.

Alison Armstrong 51:14
I take one for the team regularly. Watch understanding women you will see Alison showman why women rarely say and then I made him come

Kevin Anthony 51:30
all right.

Alison Armstrong 51:31
You will see me physically acting out a man when he’s decided to go home.

Kevin Anthony 51:46
You know, that’s what we do here on the show too by dissecting our entire sex life on the air, we do is to help you, the listener. Alright, everybody, that’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 52:13
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault

Kevin Anthony 52:27
Thanks for listening

Céline Remy 52:29
and remember you are amazing