How To Tell If You Are Sexually Compatible With Someone

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom, and your relationships.

All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 280. And it is titled How to tell if you are sexually compatible with someone. This is a topic that comes up all the time. And so when people get into relationships, they often focus on how the sex works for them in that moment, but they don’t often focus on long-term sexual compatibility, they get caught up in the chemicals that are happening. You know, the new relationship energy, the honeymoon period, whatever it is, but then further on down the road in the relationship, these sexual incompatibilities start to come up. And I can honestly say I see this a lot in the work that I do because I’ve worked with so many people around their sex lives, when we start getting into well, what are the problems? What are the things that are happening in the relationship that brought you here, I can often see that there are some incompatibilities that could have been addressed prior to deciding to be together, or, or figuring out how to make it work now. And so I’m gonna be talking about all of that stuff. We’re gonna go over what is sexual compatibility. Why is it important, we’re going to talk about ways that you can tell if you are sexually compatible, we’re going to talk about some ways that you can tell if you are not compatible. And then we’re going to talk about if you can overcome sexual incompatibility. So like, if you find out oh, we’re just not sexually compatible. Does that mean That’s it? We need to break up. So we’re going to talk about all of that stuff in this episode.

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All right. So what is sexual compatibility? Now, I’m sure that most of you believe you know what sexual compatibility is, and you very well may because you’ve probably all been in relationships where you felt like you weren’t compatible. And hopefully, you’ve had at least one where you felt like you were but just so that we are on the same page. And just so that we understand exactly what we’re talking about when we say sexual compatibility. I’m going to read you two different definitions of what sexual compatibility is. The first one comes from a website called intimoner.com. And it is sexual compatibility is how well you and your partner balance each other sexual needs, how strong your communication is around sex, and how satisfied you both feel. sexual compatibility looks like when you both feel seen, heard, held, and fulfilled in your sex life. When there’s a mismatch in your sexual compatibility because of innate differences or life circumstances, one or both of you might feel like your needs aren’t being met, a lack of connection, and a lack of sexual pleasure.

So I think that you know, I don’t know who this particular website is, I just really liked the way that they wrote that. I think it does a really good job of describing what sexual compatibility is. So if we want to go a little bit more towards the psychology side, what does psychology say about sexual compatibility? Well, Psychology Today offers this definition. It is the extent to which a couple perceives they share sexual beliefs, preferences, desires, and needs with their partner. Another form of sexual compatibility is the extent to which similarities exist between actual turn-ons and turn-offs for each partner, emotionally, and cognitively. And behaviorally. So I thought that was another great way of describing what sexual compatibility is. And so you know, if your thought was, well, sexual compatibility means sex is good between us or it’s not good between us. I hope that reading those definitions has maybe expanded your thoughts around what what is true sexual compatibility. And that was really the idea because I’m not sure a lot of people tend to think about, you know, like the Psychology Today, one where it says, you know, I mean, turn ons and turn offs, okay, that a lot of people probably think about, but what about emotionally, and cognitively as well as behaviorally? So, you know, these may be things that you haven’t really thought about before. So hopefully that helps you think a little bit deeper about what being sexually compatible is.

Okay, so we know what sexual compatibility is. So then the next question becomes, why is this important? I mean, there are some obvious reasons why it’s important. But again, I want to read it to you. Something that a man named Steven Stewart wrote on marriage.com because I liked the way he described this. He wrote sexual compatibility is much more significant in the well-being of a relationship than it is given credit for human beings need sex. Sex is essential for our physical happiness. When couples are not able to fulfill each other’s sexual needs and desires dissatisfaction in marriage is the obvious result. But our society has made sex into a taboo and couples find it embarrassing to attribute sexual incompatibility as the reason for their divorce embarrassing. It is more polite to tell others and survey takers that it was over money, or they wanted different things, which usually was more or better sex or some other common trope. But in my experience, I’ve never come across a couple that was literally divorcing over money. They generally divorce over physical incompatibility.

Now, Steve, who I don’t know, I just happened to come across this while doing research for this episode. But he is apparently a counselor and has been counseling couples for a long time. So what he’s telling you is that in his experience, physical incompatibility is one of the most common reasons he sees people getting divorced. And it does make some sense to me that, you know, if somebody’s asking you, why are you getting divorced, people don’t really want to say sexual incompatibility. And it might also be that you know, money is actually a reason as well, or some other thing that they may or may not have been willing to work on, but because the sexual incompatibility was in the way as well, that that just kind of pushed it over. So the point that he’s trying to make and that I want to make here also, is that sexual compatibility is extremely important to a healthy relationship. Now, I know, I know, I know, somebody out there is going to be saying, we have the most amazing relationship, and we’ve been married for 100 years, and we don’t have sex and it’s not a need for us and it has no negative impact on okay, I get it. There are outliers to everything.

But for most people, having a healthy sexual relationship is indeed a very important part of having a healthy relationship in general, but also for, you know, our physical and mental well-being and happiness. So don’t discount sexual compatibility. Now, as I mentioned at the intro of the show, I’m going to be talking about what you can do to create sexual compatibility. If it’s not there, excuse me in the beginning. So don’t think that if you are sexually incompatible, and you’re in a long-term committed relationship, and you got kids or businesses or houses or whatever, that you’re just screwed, and you’re never going to be happy in life, that is not the case at all. But what I want to do here is I want to go through how you can tell if you’re sexually compatible, this is going to be important for a couple of reasons. So if you’re dating, and you’re looking for a partner, you’re going, obviously to want to know what to look for while dating to see if this is somebody that you are sexually compatible with. But if you’re already in a committed relationship, and maybe, maybe there’s just something off, or there’s something you’re not quite sure what’s going on, maybe this will help you identify it.

And once it’s been identified, then you can work on it. And then you can do what it takes to create that sexual compatibility. And we’ll talk about ways that you can do that later on in the show. So yeah, I hope that I got the point across about how important sexual compatibility really is. So then, of course, that begs the question, how can you tell if you are sexually compatible with somebody? Well, I have a list, as I always do, if you listen to this show at all, you know, pretty much every episode, unless it’s an interview, has some sort of a list. I don’t know, this just worked for me, it helps my brain keep track of all this stuff. I hope they work for you. You know, you can of course, always take notes when listening to the show, if you want to just go back and listen to it a couple of times, but I feel like the lists make it somewhat easy for people to understand and remember. So here we go. Number one, do you feel sexual chemistry? Now I have in quotes here, as I wrote this, not the most reliable sign. And this is absolutely true, it is not the most reliable sign, in fact doing some research for this episode, one of the articles I’ve read, made a really good distinction between sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility, how they’re not the same thing. They can coexist, but they don’t have to. But obviously, if you’re out there in the dating world, and you don’t feel any sexual chemistry towards a person, that’s generally not a good sign.

Now, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have great sex. But it’s generally not a great sign. But just because you do feel sexual chemistry does not mean you are going to be sexually compatible at all. So it is something to pay attention to. But it is not the ultimate sign. If you are dating, it is helpful to feel sexual chemistry with somebody. But then look past that. Don’t get hung up on that. And I’ve seen that happen a lot of times in relationships. Yeah, but when we get together, there’s just so much passion, and it’s just like their clothes go flying off. And not only do a lot of people take that as a sign of sexual compatibility, they actually take that as a sign of being compatible for a long-term relationship. And that is definitely not necessarily the case. So yeah, you know, pay attention to it, but don’t give it more value than it’s really worth. That brings me to number two, which is do you both value sex similarly. So basically, most of the rest of these are questions that you would want to ask yourself and potentially ask your partner so in this case, it’s do you value sex similarly, so what does that mean? What is sex really on the same level of importance for both of you? So for some people, it’s really not important. It’s kind of at the bottom of the list. And for other people, it is absolutely number one on the list or if not number one, darn close. So if you’re truly sexually compatible, you would have a similar value for how important sex is to you. I know that for Céline and I, obviously we did this work together, it was important to us.

But even in our own personal lives, having a really vibrant sex life was really important to both of us. And we even talked from the beginning of our relationship that if for whatever reason, as time went on, when we got older that started to go away, we would make a conscious effort to fix it, and to make sure that we always maintained a really vibrant, satisfying sex life, because it was really important for both of us. So that’s something that you want to make sure you are at least relatively on the same level, you know, if one person feels it’s really important, and the other one feels, it’s really not important, that’s obviously going to be a problem. Now, it doesn’t mean that you both have to have the exact same percentage of importance, but you want to be somewhat close. Number three, do you have a similar frequency of sex? In other words, similar libidos? Do you have an idea about what the average amount of sex you would want to have, say, per week? And is it similar to your partners?

So I remember, I want to say it was about six years or so into our relationship. Celine and I, we just were talking about, you know, because it was important for us to talk about these things every once in a while and make sure that we both still felt the same way. And so one day, we just sat down to check in about, you know, where we were at as far as our sex life goes. And one of the questions we asked was, you know, how are we with the frequency? And because that can change, especially as we get older, and our bodies change, and things happen? And so, you know, she asked me, What was your, your preferred number of times per week? And I believe at the time, I said to her, like three to four. And then I asked her the same question. And she said, well, two to three would probably be her preference. And so that sounds like maybe a big difference, but it really wasn’t. Because the reality is, is that we kind of most of the time met in the middle. So most of the time, it would be about three times a week, sometimes only two and sometimes four or five, right?

So for us, we felt like we were compatible in that area where our needs for the frequency of sex, were pretty darn close. And, you know, some weeks, maybe she had sex an extra time that she didn’t really need to have. But she did so because, you know, she loved me, and she wanted me to do it. And other weeks, I might not have had as much as I wanted, because, you know, she wasn’t in the mood. And, you know, I respected her and loved her and didn’t want to force her to do anything she didn’t want to do. But the idea is we were close, at least the problem comes in, when you know, one person is like, you know, once a week is fine with me and the other person is like I need for a week. Right? So that’s a big incompatibility there. And, those incompatibilities are not unusual, you, you tend to see them a lot, where one partner really wants a lot more sex. Now, I’ve talked a lot on this show about when a man wants more sex than the woman. And pretty sure I’ve done an entire episode at least once, maybe twice on the show about that. I know Céline And I did some together.

The point I want to make here is that it’s possible, you could have been way, way mismatched from the beginning. But if that wasn’t the case, in the beginning, is the case, now, you really have to look at what is in the way, there has to be something else that’s changing that. So when I work with couples that have been together for a long time, and the guy’s like, I want to have six, three or four times a week and she only wants it once a week or sometimes not even at all or I always have to ask the question. Okay. Is she getting the kind of sex she wants? It’s a tough question. But you got to ask it because it’s possible that maybe the sex that you’re having isn’t fulfilling enough and isn’t compelling enough to make her really want to have it more frequently. And that same can be true in reverse, but I would say less frequently. You know, when it comes to men and this does change as we get older, but when it comes to men, you know, if we have a high libido and we want to have sex we will generally take okay sex over no sex at all. But women often are very different if women can’t have you know, fulfilling so axe a lot of times I’d rather just not. So that can often be a reason why.

But the idea is, you know if the libidos really are that mismatched, you want to see if you can figure out why. And if there isn’t something in the way, then it just means that’s how that person is. And that’s how this person is, and it’s just not compatible. Number four, do you have similar turn-ons and turn-offs? This is really important. And these are the types of conversations you should be having way at the beginning of your relationship. Do you have similar turn-ons and turn-offs? You know, the types of things that turn you on, hopefully, will be the same types of things that turn your partner on you. What you don’t want to have is where somebody’s you know, what are their main turn-ons, or some of their main turn-ons are absolute turn-offs to the other person, that’s definitely going to be a problem. So you really want to make sure that you have really quality discussions around what your turn ons and turn-offs are. And you know, some of them may be important, some of them may be less important. So you get to see where that compatibility is. Hopefully, the majority of your turn ons and turn-offs are similar. All right, it’s sort of similar to turn ons and turn-offs are deal breakers. So what are your deal breakers? What are the things that you are an absolute no to, like, no matter what this is important to know. deal breakers can be all sorts of things. deal breakers could be a certain level of BDSM. A deal breaker could be you know, sex with other people.

All kinds of things could potentially be deal breakers for somebody. But if your deal breaker is somebody else’s turn-on, that’s a problem. And that can be rather difficult to navigate. You know what the thing when we say deal breakers, it means like, it’s not something that you’re willing to compromise or change on. And so that’s really where the problem comes in. Because if it’s a deal breaker for you, but it’s something that your partner really likes, or it’s one of their turn-ons or something they fantasize about, or some need that they have, there’s, there’s not likely going to be an easy way to deal with that. Because that’s a deal breaker, if you decide to just go along with it, because that’s what your partner wants, even though it’s your deal breaker, you’re most likely really going to regret that, and then you’re not going to feel good about it. And if it’s the other way around, if you really stick with it, but the other person is not getting their needs met, because it’s something that’s important to them, then there’s likely to be resentment building up. So. Yeah, you really want to know what your deal breakers are, you want to communicate them clearly. And you want to make sure that they’re in alignment.

Number six. What does intimacy look like to you? This is I think, this is a fantastic question. And something that you, of course, should talk about at the very beginning of your relationship. But you should also check in with from time to time if you’re in a long-term relationship because our ideas of what intimacy looks like might change over the years as we change. But it’s a fantastic question to ask. So, you know, if one person is like, well, intimacy to me means, you know, gazing into each other’s eyes and starting slowly, and it just being the two of us, and really going deep on a spiritual level. And the other person is like, well, intimacy, to me means going to a sex club with you and sharing you with my best friends. Obviously, I’m choosing extreme examples to illustrate the point. But, you see what I mean, intimacy can have a very different definition for different people. And you really want to make sure that you both have the same idea about what being intimate means. Now, that may sound similar to do you both value sex similarly, or some of the details about sex, but intimacy is more than just the sex itself. It’s more than the physical act of sex, and that’s why I wanted it to have its own place here on the list. Because intimacy and intimacy is often a word used. To mean sex, when you can’t actually use the word sex, like online, people will say intimacy instead. And that’s okay. But intimacy is more than just the physical. So what does that intimacy look like? Because making love and having sex isn’t just about putting genitals together, there’s a whole lot more to it. And if you’ve listened to this show, for any amount of time, you will pretty know that. So make sure that you both have a similar idea of what intimacy means.

Number seven, are your genitals compatible? This is I did an entire show on this, probably about a year ago ish. Where we use the Native American system of dosha, to sort of type genitals and talk about the different types and how they go together. Go look for that episode, if you haven’t listened to it, there are compatibility issues with different types of genitals, not only in preference but in the physical shape and size as well. So it’s something that you want to pay attention to. So without going too deep back into the Kenosha thing, there are different types of penises, different types of vaginas, and some work well with others, and some don’t. And so you want to make sure that your genitals are at least, mostly compatible. The classic example is, and I’ve coached several couples with this issue in the past, where, you know, he might be a particularly large man, not only in his physical body size, but also very large penis, and she is this tiny little petite thing, whose vagina really isn’t that big. And the reality is, is that his penis is longer than the depth of her vagina. And so, you know, if he really starts to thrust hard, or wants to go in deep, it can be uncomfortable, sometimes even painful for her. And then for him, he’s often feeling like, I can’t really, you can’t get body to body like pubic bones or pubic bone contact, because otherwise it’s too deep, and it hurts her. Again, that’s another extreme example. But there are other examples as well. Could even be the reverse, where she’s maybe a larger woman with a with a deeper vagina, and he’s a much smaller man and penis size. And therefore, you know, he’s not reaching the cervix and not satisfying her the way that she would like to be satisfied. And, you know, there are all kinds of different compatibilities when it comes to types of genitals.

And, you know, we’re all born with what we have. So there’s not really a whole lot that we can do about that, despite all of the men who tell me, you can absolutely make your penis significantly bigger, have this conversation all the time, go listen to the episodes I’ve done on can you actually enlarge your penis if you want to know my thoughts on that. But despite that, we’re born with what we’re born with. And so we want to make sure that our partner, is somebody that works like our genitals actually work. Otherwise, it’s going to be a bit more challenging. Now, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things that can be done. Because there are some things that can be done in the case of one of the couples that I counseled in regards to him being a lot bigger in size than her. You know, we said, there are devices you can use, one of which is called the O nut, I believe we have that under Products at Kevin and saline and.com forward slash products. And it’s basically a ring that you put around the penis that makes up for the distance gap, right, and basically shortens the stroke of his penis a little bit so that he can actually get his body up against her without hurting her.

So there are some things that you can do. So you know, if you’re in that type of situation, all is not lost. However, I would say that if you’re dating somebody, and if you value sex at a high value, I would if I were you trying to make sure that your genitals were really compatible like they fit together. Well. One of the things that Céline used to say all the time was just how well our genitals went together like my shape and size fit the shape and size of her just writing in touched her in all the right places where she wanted to be touched. And so we were very fortunate about that. And I would hope that if you’re again out there dating that you that you think about that you don’t, you don’t just kind of brush it aside. It’s not important. It’s working well enough, like really think about that, like when you come together sexually, how do your genitals fit?

All right, number eight. Are you attracted to their pheromones? This is an interesting one. Because, you know, as I’ve told you already, you know, I was doing a bunch of research for this episode, because I wanted to see what other people had to say about it, see how it compared to my own thoughts on the subject, see if there’s anything I was missing, potentially. I did not see this on any of the lists. But I’m putting it on here because it’s an important one to me. Pheromones, we’ve all heard of pheromones, they’re sort of the natural things that are released that attract us to each other. And what’s interesting about them is you can’t necessarily smell them. But it has to do with do you like the way your partner smells. Or do you not like the way they smell? Now, in today’s society, because pretty much every single, you know, haircare product, skincare product, detergent that you use on your clothes, like all of these things have these massive scents in them. Most people can actually smell the other person anymore. And that is actually a problem. Because you can get used to a scent that you believe is pleasurable. Until I don’t know, you’ve been camping and you haven’t had a shower, you haven’t been using your usual products, and then all of a sudden, you’re like, Man, you stink. Now granted, sometimes you get really dirty and sweaty, you’re gonna stink no matter what.

But in general. So think of it this way. You wake up in the morning, you haven’t showered since the morning before. And you make love and you both get really sweaty and hot. And do you like the smell of that person? Granted, they most likely aren’t smelling at their best in that moment. But do you like it? Or are you repulsed by it? Because that’s going to give you a better idea as to whether or not you are really attracted to them. And it’s really interesting. I don’t really know necessarily how this works. To be honest, I haven’t studied pheromones in depth. But I have noticed that when people are turned off by the pheromones or the smell of the other person, they genuinely aren’t a good fit as a couple, regardless of you know, that they’ll try to make it work. But I think it is really in underappreciated sign that you are compatible. And you know, I mean, we shouldn’t we shouldn’t necessarily be surprised by that. I mean, nature’s infinitely wise, whether you want to say it’s God or nature or whatever. You know, these things, you could say it was evolution, right? It just evolved this way to pick better partners.

You could say God gave it to us, you could say nature created this or whatever it is, there’s something about it, that really gives us some important key information about a partner. And so I strongly suggest that you pay attention to that. And if you are turned off by your partner’s smell, then that is definitely assigned to pay attention to and like I said, I think it’s an undervalued one because most people just don’t talk about it. I don’t see it anywhere. But I think it is important. It’s something that I’ve definitely noticed in my own relationships over the years. You know the partners that really tended to be the best ones for me, I just couldn’t get enough of the way they smelled it was actually a turn-on so and I don’t really even have the greatest sense of smell not like saline. Saline was like a bloodhound. She could smell anything anywhere anytime from like a mile away. Her sense of smell was unbelievable. Mine isn’t even really that good. Honestly, I can’t tell you how many times she’s like do you smell out I’m like, what? I don’t smell anything. Yet it’s still something that is important to me I when I’m attracted to a partner. Okay, I got a couple more left on that list. I do want to take a quick break for the second sponsor, and then I want to talk about signs you’re not compatible and how you can potentially overcome sexual incompatibility.

Okay? Are you a couple are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there changes you would like to make, but just don’t know how maybe you think there is nothing that can be done. If you are not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life. Go to KevinandCéline.com/sex-coaching-couples/ and schedule a strategy call with me today. So we can map out a strategy to get you where you want to be. So you can have it all your way in the bedroom and in your relationship. Again, that is KevinandCéline.com/sex-coaching-couples/, the link is in the description. Don’t worry, you don’t have to remember it. Just go look in the description it will be there book your strategy call today. That is for my couples coaching program. All of the things that I’m talking about today, and so, so much more on pretty much everything I talk about on this show on a regular basis, I can help you with if you are struggling in any way with your relationship, or with your sex life or with your own sexual abilities, then reach out today and get the help that you need. Life is way too short to deal with crappy relationships and bad sex. I mean, it’s really just that simple. These are important parts of your life. So why not? Fix them and make them the way you want them to be.

All right. Back to our list. Number nine, do you feel safe, respected, and satisfied after sexual activity? This one has a couple of different things. And I considered breaking this out into separate items. But then I decided to just keep them all as one. When you have had sex with your partner, do you feel satisfied? Sexually physically? Do you feel that you were respected? Do you feel safe? Do you feel more love and attraction to this person than beforehand? If the answer to those are yes, then you are likely sexually compatible. If it is no, then you’ve got some work to do. You’ve got to ask yourself some difficult questions. You’ve got to figure out why the answer to some of those was no. But that’s the you know, that’s great. It’s really how do you feel after you have sex with this person? Do you feel safe? Do you feel respected? Do you feel satisfied? You know, was this a net positive? Or not? Did this create more difficulty?

Number 10. Do they feel the same way? Haha. So this is kind of important, right? Because you can feel safe, respected, and satisfied, you can think that the sexual experience was great. But the other person may not feel the same way. So you know, the classic example of this is, you know, the guy that can’t last long enough to satisfy his woman, right? So he has sex, he has a big orgasm and ejaculation. And he’s feeling great. Like that was awesome, honey, thanks. And she’s lying there we go. I didn’t even get close to an orgasm. And I was just starting to get in the mood and turned on and now he’s done. So they may not feel the same about that encounter. Again, another extreme example, but, you know, maybe somebody feels physically satisfied, but they don’t feel safe or respected. Right? So, you know, you want to ask yourself those questions.

And you also want to ask your partner that and, you know, check in this really brings me to the last one on this list, which is, is it easy to communicate about sex? You need to communicate about these things. And, you know, look, if you’ve been listening to the Love Lab podcast for any amount of time, then you know, communicate, communicate, communicate. It’s something that comes up in nearly every episode I do I cannot stress more how important it is to have a really high level of communication in your relationship. And it is even more true when it comes to sex, you have to be able to communicate about it, you have to be able to communicate about it openly, clearly, calmly, right? All of these things compassionately, you have to be able to say what’s working well, what’s not working if you’re the one hearing it, you have to be able to hear that you have to be able to make adjustments in either way in either direction, depending on what needs to happen. Is it easy to communicate about sex? So there’s the whole communication piece about how to have a great sex life and why communication is so important, which is what I was just talking about. But specifically in relation to this. Is it easy to communicate about sex?

So let’s say, for instance, one person in the relationship is super easy. And you can talk about it all the time, you want to talk about it all the time, and you want to create ideas, and hey, what if we did this? And what if we got this hotel? Or what if we went on this vacation, whatever it is, and the other person is like, I don’t want to talk, it makes me uncomfortable. And I really want to talk about it, let’s just not talk about it. That’s obviously a problem. So you want to make sure that you both have a similar level of communication around sex. Now, yes, you should both have a similar level of communication. But I would also suggest that you need to have a high level. So in other words, if both of you are in the place of I don’t want to talk about it just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to talk about it. If you’re both there, this is probably not going to work well. So I highly suggest that you are both in a place where you can say, hey, let’s talk about the sector we just had, or let’s just talk about sex in general. You know, just after dinner, I want to have a conversation about how our sex life and you know where it’s going. Like, it’s it’s important to have those conversations.

Okay. So that was 11 things, mostly questions that you can ask to figure out whether or not you are sexually compatible. As with all my lists, I never mean to imply that those are the only ways that you can tell I’m sure that there are others. In fact, if you are listening to this, drop something in the comments on YouTube, if you’re listening on YouTube, or send me a message, there’s always a link to that in the show notes how you can contact us, let me know like, how did you know you were sexually compatible with your partner? How did you know that you weren’t sexually compatible? We’d love to hear your own personal experience. All right. So those are the ways that you can tell if you are compatible. Are there some signs though? That would mean you’re not compatible. Yes, there are. So, just a couple of things now, obviously, so number one on the list is you’re the opposite of everything above right? So obviously, signs that you’re incompatible Are you know, I’m not gonna go over everyone but like, do you feel sexual chemistry? Okay, neither of you feels in sexual chemistry. Okay. Do you both value sexuality? No. Well, obviously that means you’re in combat, right? So you can go down that list and if you don’t value sex the same if you don’t have a similar frequency, if you don’t have similar libido is if you don’t have similar turned out great.

Okay. But are there other things that might suggest that you’re not sexually compatible? There are a couple of other signs that weren’t necessarily the opposite of the things that we went over before. So I wanted to mention them here as well. Number one was obviously you guys are opposite in all of the questions above. Number two, you find your partner’s body a turn-off. We can’t overlook the value of being physically attracted to our partner. Now, does that mean that we all have to have bodies that look like actresses and actors or models or whatever? No, it doesn’t. And you’d be surprised how much your partner is attracted to your body even if you don’t look like you know, the latest model Popstar, whatever, and especially as we get older, you know the extra wrinkles or the extra little things here and there aren’t a turn off really anymore like they were when we were younger. However, if you are looking at your partner’s body and you are turned off in general, that’s really not a good sign. There are going to be times when you are super turned on and super horny, and you just want to make love no matter what. And there are going to be times when you’re not, but maybe your partner is, and you’re going to need a little help getting there. Now, of course, there are lots of things you can do. As you know, you’ve heard me talk many times on this show about the constant state of arousal, and how you can keep stoking that fire. But if it’s time, and the person takes their clothes off, and you are really turned off by their body, that’s a sign that you’re probably not sexually compatible. It’s probably also a sign that you’re not compatible as partners because it probably means that you have different lifestyle values.

So if that is something that is an issue in your relationship, you might want to give that some thought a little bit, you want to be at least somewhat turned on by your partner’s body. Number three, you find yourself frequently fantasizing about sex with somebody else. This is something I unfortunately see too much in coaching work, which is one partner in order to really like get into it and be turned on and have sex has to fantasize about something else. This is one of the areas where, you know, we say this is where porn can be a problem. Because a person is watching porn frequently, they’re getting really turned on and stimulated by these, you know, super young women or a super fit muscular man, you know, oversized, genitals, all that kind of stuff. And then the reality is so different. It’s hard for them to really be turned on by their partner. Now in that particular case, we say we need to re-sensitize you, we need you to stop the porn in the fantasy land, and we need to bring you back into reality. So that normal reality turns you on the way it used to before you were getting turned on by the fantasy. But it’s no that’s not the only potential reason why people fantasize about somebody else during sex, it could be because the sex really isn’t that good. And they’re trying to convince themselves or they’re trying to think about something that turns them on. So the idea here, really, with number three is no if you need to fantasize about someone or something else, in order to have sex or to have any sort of decent sex, then it’s likely that there are bigger problems with your sex life. And those are things that shouldn’t be looked at identified and fixed, if possible.

Number four, sex seems to often be an issue in the relationship. We have seen this one a lot to where sex becomes a frequent point of contention or issue throughout the relationship for various reasons. We’re not having enough of it, or we’re not having the kind we want or, you know, what you want out of sex is different than what if you find that sex seems to be that thing that keeps coming up in the relationship and causing a problem, then it’s very likely that you are not sexually compatible. And the last one on this list is you don’t have sex often. If you’re really not having sex, that often assuming of course, that you both want to be having sex often, then that is likely a sign that there’s some incompatibility going on. So there’s something in the way that’s preventing this from happening. The question is, is this something that you can fix or not? That all depends on what it is. But again, it is potentially a sign that you are sexually incompatible. It’s often a place to start, you know when a couple of saying, Oh, we don’t have sex as often as I want. Okay. Then from there, you go. Alright, well, are we having the type of sex we want? You know, what’s the compatibility as far as frequency because maybe the other person thinks that they’re having sex plenty? And one thinks it’s not enough, right? So that could potentially be a sign.

So those are just a couple of extra things that would help you figure out whether or not you are sexually compatible with somebody. All right. That brings me to the very last point I have in this episode, which is, if you figure out or find out that there is some sexual incompatibility, can you do anything about it? Yes, absolutely you can. Are you going to be able to solve every situation where you are sexually incompatible? No. And it depends on the level or the extent of the incompatibility. But there are some things that can be done. And I’m going to give you yet another list. Okay, first one, work on communication skills, both inside and outside the bedroom. I just did a whole rant a few minutes ago about communication and its importance, but just know that learning how to communicate properly about what it is that you need and want from your sexual relationship can significantly help the quality of the sexual relationship that you have. So sometimes just improving your communication could be the thing that shifts your sexual relationship back into a place where you are both feeling compatible and satisfied. Number two, go to a sex therapist or a sex coach.

So seeing somebody that can help you will really shorten well, one, it may help you get out of where you’re stuck sooner rather than later on it might really help you identify things that you didn’t even know were issues, and then give you a whole bunch of tools that you can use to solve those issues. This is a large part of the work that I do. I don’t necessarily tell people, Hey, if you’re sexually incompatible, hire me as your coach like that. That’s not the way that I approach it. You know, I look at it and say, if you want to improve your sex life, if it’s not where you want it to be, but one of the things that I’ll often find when working with couples is that there are some incompatibilities there. And then once we’ve identified those, we can create strategies for how to deal with them. So yeah, I mean, it doesn’t have to be me, it could be a sex therapist, another coach, whatever. But it’s like, if you’re not able to solve it on your own, or if you’re not even sure what the problem is, then find somebody that can help you. Figure out where the problems are, and give you really good actionable solutions that you can use to solve them. Number three, increasing intimacy.

Focus on increasing the intimacy outside of sex. This can include vulnerable conversations, cuddling, kissing, massages, baths, gentle walks, blah, blah, blah. So yeah, increasing the intimacy is another great way to so like this is really good for, let’s say, the frequency incompatibility, right, somebody feels like their needs aren’t being met. Because the frequency isn’t enough. If you can then increase the intimacy outside of that it might meet their need for more intimacy. And then maybe it’s like, well, maybe I didn’t really need to have sex four times a week, maybe what I was really craving was sex, and really the connection in the intimacy, so focusing on increasing that can help to bring toys into the bedroom. You know, my suggestion always is, you know, increase your own sexual games and get your skills up to par. In other words, I see a lot of couples that rely on like, the guy can’t last long enough. And so the woman never gets to orgasm. But once he finishes, he’s like, yeah, no problem. I got the vibrator. Here you go, right? It is a solution. And it can absolutely help. Obviously, I suggest working on your own skills so that you can hang in there long enough to satisfy her. And then, you know, sometimes it’s not necessarily that he can’t last long enough, maybe sometimes it’s that she’s got some blocks and things that are preventing her from accessing her orgasms. And the only thing that does it is a Hitachi one that likes full speed, right?

If that’s the case, she needs to figure out how to de-armor her own vagina and figure out how she can feel more. But the point is, is that if you’ve done that work, and there’s still some incompatibility, then you could potentially bridge that gap by using some toys. Open opening up the relationship. That’s the next one on the list. Okay, you have heard Céline And I talked about this numerous times before, when we’ve talked about relationships and sexual relationships. There can be situations where there isn’t a way for you to completely meet each other’s needs. There is a possibility that you could open up the relationship so that the other person gets their needs met. It is a tool you have heard us recommend this a few times in the past. All I will say is, it’s really, it’s really the last thing that you should try. So you should try everything else you can to meet each other’s needs and create a wonderful, harmonious, and satisfying sex life, with just the two of you, assuming that you’re in a monogamous relationship, and if for whatever reason, it just can’t happen, but you love each other, you still are dedicated to each other, you want to stay together, whatever it is, you got kids, houses, businesses, whatever deep level of love, but the sex part just isn’t there, then you could potentially use that as a tool.

But be very, very, very careful with it. It takes two really emotionally mature adults to handle this. And I would say that because this is not something that is taught, really at all, as we grow up and learn. If you’re thinking that you want to go down this road, and you’re not sure what to do, and you really don’t want to screw it up and do more damage to your relationship then please, please hire somebody to help you do it. Right. This is absolutely something I can help you with. It’s something that I have a fair amount of personal experience with not just, you know, textbook knowledge, been there, done that. So yeah, if you’re thinking that this might be the tool for you, I do suggest getting some help with that. All right, next up, be creative. So try new things. Obviously, you hear me talk about that a lot. But if somebody’s not getting their needs met, because of an incompatibility, you know, there’s a possibility that you can meet those needs by stepping outside of the box that you’ve put yourselves in and try some different things. And then lastly, there is masturbation there is a way that you can potentially take care of your own needs if your partner is not able to do that. By the way, this is the list that I’m reading the overcoming sexual compatibility. This came from where did this come from? I think this came from healthline.com. If I recall, I didn’t actually make a note of that.

But I just really liked these ideas. And they are some that I talk about a lot. And it was presented in a way that was pretty clear. So I probably would have had probably should have rearranged this order a little bit because I would have put masturbate up above opening up your relationship. But anyway, the point is, is that it can be used as a way to take care of your own needs in a way that could enhance sexual relationships. So in other words, just one example, somebody wants sex four times a week, the other one only wants sex two times a week, maybe those other two times, you could potentially have a masturbation practice. Now, that doesn’t mean go hide when your partner is not aware of this, maybe you can say, hey, you know what, since you’re not interested in having sex more than twice a week, maybe once a week, I’m going to set aside some time, I’m going to run a bath and do my own thing in the bathroom and get the support and the buy-in of your partner and have them know that this is something that’s important to you and something that you need in order to feel satisfied. And if that if you’re allowed to do that in the way that you want to do it, that will really help the overall relationship and sexual relationship between the two of you. So that’s a possibility as well.

As always, when it comes to compatibility, whether it’s communication styles, sexual compatibility, or whatever it is, there are things that can get in the way where there are tools and things that you can put in place to mitigate that. And then there are things that are, you know like I use the term deal breakers, things that you just aren’t going to be able to solve. And when I do shows and episodes like this, what I’m hoping is, is that it gets you to think about some of these things that you don’t necessarily think about or haven’t thought about before. So that you can hopefully avoid getting into relationships or staying in relationships that have major deal-breakers. And then the relationships that maybe have some incompatibility but are good relationships that you really want to keep, to find ways to find tools to help you make it work the best that you can make it work. You know, we all want to be in a relationship with somebody who is 100% compatible with us in every way. I’m not sure that that exists anywhere. So instead, we have tools, we have practices, we have things that we can do to make it the best that we can make it. So there you go. I hope that was helpful for you. I hope that made you think a little bit about an area that a lot of people take for granted. And yeah, I hope you are able to use this advice to make your sex life better. All right, everybody. That is all the time I have for this episode, and I will see you next week.

I hope you like this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends. And for more free exclusive content. Join me in the passion Hall at Kevin and Céline dot com forward slash vote. That’s Kevin and Céline dot com forward slash fault. Thanks for listening. And remember, as Céline used to say you’re amazing!