How To Skyrocket The Passion In Your Relationship

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man, woman, single, or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony, and Celine Remy. And we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
Alright, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 175. And it’s titled How to skyrocket the passion in your relationship. I think pretty much everybody wants to skyrocket the passion in the relationship. So, you know, this should appeal to pretty much everyone.

Kevin Anthony 0:45
But we also have a special guest on the show today. And while she does primarily write to women in the stuff that she writes, If you’re mad, and you’re listening to this, I highly recommend that you stick around and you listen to this because you’re going to be getting basically like the playbook from the other team here. If you want to understand what’s really going on and how to work with that, you really need to listen to this.

Kevin Anthony 1:13
And so it’s interesting because I was talking to Celine, like preparing for this, I was going through one of our guests’ books, and I said, you know, I know this book is written for women, I’m like, but I think it’s awesome. I’m like, I love reading this and understanding like, oh, okay, yeah, I get it, right. Like, if you’re, if you’re a guy and you’re only reading about guy stuff, or your woman and you’re only reading about women’s stuff, you are actually missing the other half of the picture.

Kevin Anthony 1:39
So it’s a good idea and you don’t even it’s not I’m not saying you got to read every woman’s book out there. But there’s a couple you might want to peruse if you’re a guy. So anyway, all of that just to say I think it’s gonna be a fascinating conversation and both men and women, you should really hang in there and listen to this one.

Céline Remy 1:55
So before we introduce our guests, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. If you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections last longer or increase your sexual skills. There is something for you at power and mastery.com.

Céline Remy 2:20
Our guest today is Laura Doyle. So she is a New York Times bestselling author and she was the perfect wife until she actually got married. When she told her husband how to be tidier, more romantic, more ambitious, he avoided her fancy dad. So she dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. In desperation, she asked happily married women for their secrets. And that’s when she got her miracle. The man who had wood her returned, Laura’s books have been translated into 19 languages in 30 countries and accidentally started a worldwide movement. Welcome, Laura to the Love Lab podcast.

Laura Doyle 3:02
Thank you. It’s great to be here.

Kevin Anthony 3:05
That accidentally started Oh, you know what that means? That means that that there was a movement just waiting for somebody to catalyze it and get it moving. So that means this message speaks to a lot of people.

Laura Doyle 3:20
It does, it’s still I’m still astonished, really, by the response to it. I just wanted to fix my own marriage. I was just trying to not get divorced. And we are celebrating now this year, our 20th anniversary of empowering women to have ridiculously happy marriages. And it’s bigger than ever this movement. So it’s been really gratifying. been a wonderful ride kind of scary at times. But yeah, who knew that was gonna happen?

Kevin Anthony 3:50
Okay, so let’s dive right in with our questions. There’s a couple of things like we just sort of have to get them out of the way from the start because I think they’re fundamentally essential to the conversation. Yeah, in today’s culture and society, nobody wants to talk about them. So let’s just talk about them. Because that’s, that’s what we do when you’re not supposed to talk about something. I love it, Kevin. Love it.

Kevin Anthony 4:13
Okay, so number one, you actually have a chapter in your book, the Empowered wife called, you’re not smaller, less hairy men. And so this is one of those things, we have to get out of the way. So I read that part of the book, so I know what you mean. But I’m wondering if you could help the audience explain what you mean by that.

Laura Doyle 4:33
Yeah, it is kind of taboo, isn’t it to say that men and women are different from what we have. It’s not just beyond shoe size, or, you know, the parts of our body that grow hair or something. But I do think we’re fundamentally different. I think that women bring certain gifts to the relationship and to the world, that the relationship and the world need and when that goes missing, then so much is lost.

Laura Doyle 5:00
And I think I know for me, I was, I was trying to be a smaller, less hairy man. And I thought that I could do that. But really deep down, I had no idea how to be a man. And so that really contributed to a feeling of exhaustion really. And I also think that it definitely cost me both in my relationship and at work to not play to my strengths.

Laura Doyle 5:26
So, so yeah, so there’s a little bit of an X, I think I’m diving right into, hey, men and women are different. We want different things. Sometimes I’ll say, yin and yang, because I think people are a little more comfortable, like, oh, the concept of the masculine energy versus the feminine energy.

Laura Doyle 5:41
And one of my favorite metaphors for that isn’t about this coffee cup idea, which is, if you think about a coffee cup, the ceramic part, the handle in the form of the coffee cup, would be the masculine energy, the part that has the structure, and then the end would be the part that can receive the coffee.

Laura Doyle 5:59
And without the ability to receive coffee, a coffee cup has no purpose. And so it’s a really important role to be receptive to bring that feminine energy, which is what men are fundamentally most attracted to.

Kevin Anthony 6:15
The whole they certainly are. Well, and that’s the thing. So I wanted to leave with that question. Because the idea, you know, we use the term polarity a lot in our teaching, and it’s something that, you know, was kind of near and dear to our hearts, one, because we have seen it work so many times when you correct the polarity in a relationship, the relationship itself, correct.

Kevin Anthony 6:37
And one of the things that I see in our politically correct society now is they’re trying to erase the differences between men and women. And, you know, I get the original origin of that the original origin in a couple of phases back in the feminist movement, was to show that, hey, women are not inferior to men. I get it, I totally get it. Absolutely. But now it’s gone too far.

Kevin Anthony 7:03
And it’s gotten to the point where there’s no difference between men and women. And honestly, that does a disservice to both men and women, because women are different, but they’re different in beautiful ways that work synergistically with men. And so when we try to cram them all into the same mold, relationships, basically break down

Laura Doyle 7:23
their hair. Absolutely, I completely agree with you. And it is a little frustrating because of what is lost, right? If you try to collapse it all and say I love the word polarity, right, and I call it gender contrast. The higher that gender contrast is, the more exciting it is more exhilarating it is, the more there is to really appreciate what the other person is bringing in the relationship.

Céline Remy 7:49
And I love the points that you brought earlier when you said that you were close to exhaustion. And I think this is a really important sign for all the women listening. And you know, even I know, from my personal experience, any time, at the end of the day that I’m exhausted, it means I spent my day in the wrong energy for me, which would be most of the time, my masculine energy.

Céline Remy 8:13
I spent too much time it’s okay to step into it to get a few things done for something. I’ve actually learned over the years that I can get shit done by saying feminine things, this is really important. But that sign like if you feel exhausted, if you feel depleted, if you feel like you’ve got too much on your to-do list, you are on the wrong side of the spectrum for yourself as a woman

Laura Doyle 8:38
is that is a great measure of it? And I have found to especially in my early marriage before I knew a lot of the things that I’ve learned from trying to fix my own marriage, that I would get exhausted because I was trying to control things I was trying to, which is kind of based in fear, right? If you’re not afraid, you don’t have to try to control like, I didn’t want to have to try to tell my husband, like, hey, maybe you should get a better job, or what should you do you get a raise.

Laura Doyle 9:09
Or maybe you get a promotion, right? I was trying to control it because I was afraid I wasn’t going to have enough money. Like I’d have to go without something that I wanted. And so that was also an entirely exhausting thing. It’s like, it’s like being stuck in traffic, right? You can try to make the traffic move, you know, but it doesn’t work. Or you can just use that time to talk on a phone, listen to music that you love in an audiobook.

Laura Doyle 9:34
And I call that surrendering, right? I think surrendering is a really powerful concept. That is the opposite of this exhaustion that you talk about. And it’s true. It’s like control energy or maybe just kind of out of your lane energy right trying to do things in a way that isn’t suited to your natural abilities.

Kevin Anthony 9:52
Yeah, I think that’s the key is trying to do things in a way that suits your natural abilities. So for instance, like as a guy or notability is to just like, like a bowl, kind of wrap our heads into stuff and like, just make it happen. We’re gonna make it happen, right? But for women, they can do that when they have to.

Kevin Anthony 10:11
But if they get stuck in that they’re fighting against their natural energy because their natural energy is too very subtly and very easily get us to do stuff for them, and then have us actually enjoy doing it. Like, this is the thing I always say that women’s true power really lies in the way that they can get things done without actually doing them themselves. It’s beautiful. If I could do that a lot I would.

Laura Doyle 10:41
It’s the most fun to Céline like it’s so satisfying? I think it was Roseanne it said, anything a man can do. A woman can get another man to do it even better. I love that job. But it is so is it’s huge, you miss out on so much when you don’t know how to receive that graciously. If you’re thinking if your training was like mine certainly was you got to be independent, you don’t want to have to depend on a man, you’ve got to pull your own way and prove that you have worth.

Laura Doyle 11:15
Then I just think about like, now when I go on an airplane, I just I’ll like maybe I’ll start to like kind of lamely, you know, try to put my luggage in the overhead compartment. And a man is always there to say, Would you like me to help you that like, Oh, thank you so much. And he’s like, yes, you know, he’s happy to do it. I’m so happy. I didn’t have to do it. It’s when we’re both like, Oh, this is great.

Laura Doyle 11:36
You know, he got the gift of being my hero at that moment. Right. And then and, and that is certainly translated in my marriage, my husband gets to kill scary spiders for me lift heavy things. I mean, there are so many opportunities, it makes my TA man he does a lot of things to delight me. And it’s the only way to live, right? I

Kevin Anthony 11:55
mean, we love to be heroes if as long as you give us the opportunity we would love to do okay, that’s a whole nother discussion. But there’s one more question that I want to ask to sort of, you know, sort of get something out of the way. And then we can dive a little deeper into some of these concepts. So another thing that you say in your book is that marriage counseling does more harm than good. So my question is, why is that? And what should people do instead?

Céline Remy 12:25
Yeah, and so first of all, I have to say, my own experience of marriage counseling, really colors this, we went for over a year, we spent over $9,000, and this is over 20 years ago. And I was on the marriage counselor, gray couch when I thought, This is hopeless, he’s never going to change, I’m going to have to get divorced, or else I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a loveless relationship.

Laura Doyle 12:49
And so I made up my mind that I was going to just bite the bullet and get divorced and admit that I’d made a terrible mistake. And there was just one problem. And that is that I was too embarrassed to get divorced, I didn’t want that loss of status. And I’m so glad now because as a last-ditch effort, I decided to ask women who had happy marriages, what their secrets were.

Laura Doyle 13:12
And they told me things I didn’t really even understand didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t what had been modeled for me, while my parents are divorced, I was following a failed recipe. And it was about to get the same results. So but I was desperate enough to just start experimenting with their ideas. And I remember it was not even that long after I started, that I came through the door.

Laura Doyle 13:34
And my husband’s face lit up. He was happy to see me again. I thought this is working. And it was a lot of it was the opposite of what we talked about in marriage counseling and, and now has helped 10s of 1000s of students not only make their marriages last but make them thrive. We see that so many of them have also come through marriage counseling and had kind of a disastrous experience.

Laura Doyle 14:00
And I think there are a couple of reasons I know that marriage counselors mean well, they got into the business to help not to harm. But unfortunately, I think the structure is kind of a bad setup. I know one of the first things that you typically do in marriage counseling is sit together and talk about what’s wrong to focus on what’s wrong.

Laura Doyle 14:18
And you also I know, one of the things we did was, so I would tell the counselor, everything my husband was doing wrong. And since respect is one of the most important things for husbands for men, I was doing this horribly disrespectful thing telling a stranger, all my complaints and criticisms about my husband, I was digging my hole deeper. I wasn’t making it better.

Laura Doyle 14:42
So I just remember we’d have big fights in the car on the way home from counseling and I thought, well, I don’t think we’re making any progress here. And we weren’t we’re not the only ones that hear it again and again, from my student’s story. So I think that’s one of the reasons there’s I thought there’s got to be something better.

Laura Doyle 15:00
And so it’s not that you don’t need support when your marriage is hurting, and certainly don’t need somebody to tell you, you know, just get divorced or you should leave him right. I think that’s a very common response that we see. So. So you know, I’ve created a campus with programs where they’re all the women that join are standing for the other wives’ greatness, as women as wives and also for their husbands, right, knowing she wouldn’t have married him if he wasn’t a great guy.

Laura Doyle 15:32
And so she’s forgotten. There’s other he’s got flaws, too, or just a mere mortal man. But we’re there to really stand for each other and remind her of the things, the reasons that she did marry him. And really just that change of focus that changed perspectives, if you will, deciding to focus on the things that you like, instead of the things that you don’t like, can make a huge difference in the experience that you’re having. Oh, yeah.

Céline Remy 15:56
And we’re gonna come back to that.

Kevin Anthony 15:59
Yeah, we got a couple of questions around that. Okay. Cool. Continue?

Céline Remy 16:02
Well, I wanted to ask Laura something, because, okay, so if you are listening, and you’re women, and you’re like, Yeah, this is me, I want to change my man, he’s not doing the right-wing and stuff, I want to say like, honestly, get the book, the Empowered wife, it’s like a Bible, and our sign up for any of Laura’s program coaching anything like this to get the support you need.

Céline Remy 16:24
Or work with us with me what whoever you resonate with, it doesn’t matter. But really, like do something and know that there’s so much that you can do, what I see is that there are a lot of resources now out there for women, groups and, and books. But I don’t see as much for the men where and that’s kind of where the question is coming from is like, Okay, so now what do we do for our men listeners?

Céline Remy 16:54
Like, let’s say that he’s like, I want to bring forth change in the relationship. Now we all know that women make the biggest difference. And ideally, it should be her taking the initiative and doing those changes that realistically, I mean, Happy wife, happy life, we all know about that. But what can a husband, a man do? In your opinion, if his wife is not yet doing the thing? And he’s really like, I don’t? Does he just buy the book and leave it on the coffee table?

Céline Remy 17:27
Good idea. I love this question. Because it’s something I’ve certainly wrestled with quite a bit too. Because as you point to women really being the keepers of the relationship, it’s back to that coffee cup analogy. If she if, if there’s no place to put the coffee, then the man has no purpose, right. And there’s not much he can do about that. If she’s not going to be receptive.

Laura Doyle 17:50
She holds the key in that regard. However, one thing I will say is, I’m thinking of a coach on my campus in particular, and all of our coaches became coaches because they were struggling in their marriages. And they decided to use the six intimacy skills and implement a transformation. And now and then now they pass it on to other women. And she was talking about how her husband bought her.

Laura Doyle 18:16
My first book, which has a really offensive title is called the surrendered wife. Are you kidding me? You want me to surrender, like, okay, especially, it just feels so unfair. I think, to most women, when you’re struggling, you just think that he’s doing so many things wrong. And if only he would change, then I could be happy. That was why I dragged my husband to counseling because that’s, that’s why that was gonna happen. The counselor was going to fix him. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. Right?

Laura Doyle 18:44
So and it just didn’t work that way. So she, he bought her the Cerner wife, and he had read it. And he said, I think, you know, I would love for you to read this. And she was like, No, I’m not gonna read that. That’s ridiculous. And then, on a really bad day, when she was feeling like her marriage, maybe she was gonna end her marriage, she, she took her baby, and she took the book and got on a train.

Laura Doyle 19:09
And she read the book, just kind of out of that heartbreak out of that, like Wow, am I really at the edge here? Is this really the part where, I break up my family? And so you know, our hearts often she became more open to the concepts and she felt like she understood some of the things her husband had been trying to tell her for a long time, but didn’t.

Laura Doyle 19:30
They didn’t resonate in the right way. So I do think it’s powerful. If he can find a way to broach you know, here’s a book that says, what you know what I want you to know about how much I want to make you happy? Or how Yeah, how important it is to me, that you know, that you feel loved and adored and special. I want to give you all that something like something along those lines. I think that’s really probably the most impactful change he can Make is creating that opening must be done very sensitively. Of course.

Kevin Anthony 20:07
Sure does that book for dinner?

Céline Remy 20:13
I have to have it surgically removed. Right? Yeah.

Céline Remy 20:19
Well luckily the book nice titled The empowered wife, so that will

Laura Doyle 20:23
It’s a different book.

Céline Remy 20:24
That will be a little bit more digestible for her like, I want to be empowered.

Céline Remy 20:32
Yes, that’s been a big difference. Yes, is inviting women to become empowered and surrendered sounds like submissive, I think to people, they think it’s good, or a doormat or something. And of course, it’s not that it’s more like the thing where you’re stuck in traffic, right?

Laura Doyle 20:44
You’re just deciding, knowing that you can’t change anyone besides yourself. So you don’t try, you just focus on your own happiness. And that in turn improves the intimacy in the connection. And, and you become empowered. Because through that process of, really, it’s accountability.

Kevin Anthony 21:03
Yes, the sort of funny joke about it is, is that once you become empowered, you realize that the way you became empowered as a woman was by surrendering?

Céline Remy 21:13
Yes, yeah, that’s that’s one of the great paradoxes, isn’t it? And one of the great mysteries about marriage? Mm-hmm.

Kevin Anthony 21:22
Okay, I have one more question that is sort of around that, like how to guys do something, which is that, you know, one of the things I have a client right now that I’m working with, who’s been asking this question a lot, too, which is, you know, he’s trying his best to create change in the relationship. But, you know, when he basically he doesn’t know what to do.

Kevin Anthony 21:46
And when he asks her what it is that she wants, she gives the usual? I don’t know. So the question is, is a husband and wife, they are struggling in their relationship, and he wants to do something about it, but she doesn’t know what she really needs in a relationship. How can he possibly help her to understand what it is that she needs?

Céline Remy 22:11
This is is a million-dollar question that is really hitting them right on the head because I was totally embarrassing story about myself early on in our relationship. My husband took me away, we’re still boyfriends and my girlfriend took me to Hawaii. And it was like, super, super romantic getaway. I was really excited.

Laura Doyle 22:32
And I thought how fun is going to be on the first day because we’re going to go to the beach because I would just love to go to the beach. And but instead of saying I would love to go to the beach. I said, Well, what do we you know, what did you want to do? Because I didn’t want to have any conflict or anything. And he said, Well, let’s go see a volcano. I’m loving. I’m like, a volcano.

Laura Doyle 22:51
Oh, all right. I didn’t want to do that at all. But I thought, Okay, I’m just gonna suck it up. Because I don’t want to fight about it, you know, so we’ll just go see a volcano. So we’re driving in a car, and there’s no volcano for a while, you just see like, little molten rocks on the side of the road. And so I started getting upset. I was like, you know, I just think this is not really what I wanted to do. And he said, You know, it’s something wrong. And that’s what I said.

Céline Remy 23:23
So he saw a volcano. All right, all right. He had in mind. And I just feel so sad for that earlier version of me who just had no concept, how to say what she wanted. And if you can’t say what you want, you’re never going to get what you want. And a lot of times it is even like you’re saying, Kevin, we don’t even know what we want. We haven’t asked ourselves or I hadn’t.

Laura Doyle 23:48
It’s not so long ago, I’ve been at this for 20 years, you think I’d be better at it by now. But I have always wanted to have a pool. I really just wanted to pool and we don’t have any kids or anything. So I was like, Oh be great. If we had kids, I could say you know, the kids need a pool. But no, I just wanted a pool. And it was just really hard for me to own that I felt kind of guilty. It feels kind of frivolous.

Laura Doyle 24:09
But I finally just said, You know what, I would love a pool. And you know, they just sprayed the concrete on our pool, we’re getting a pool. So it’s funny how to like, once I desire so much the seat of feminine power, right, this is how we move mountains without moving a muscle is by expressing our desires in a way that inspires him.

Laura Doyle 24:30
And that’s a whole training on my campus is how to express your desires in a way that inspires. So I think from a man’s point of view, I think that could really be a thing that he focuses on, you know, it could be really saying, I just want to make you happy. I just love knowing what it is you want.

Laura Doyle 24:48
And I think sometimes from a woman’s perspective, we think it’s like demanding. Like I remember when a student was talking about how her sister-in-law would say like, oh, I want to go to Mexican food, you know She was like, kind of pushy, but the husband loved it. He’s like, Oh, she must Mexican food. And then they’d get there. And she’d say, I want to sit in the booth.

Laura Doyle 25:07
And he’s like, Oh, we’d like a booth. And then he got to be her hero again. Because he knew what she wanted. So, I think I mean, besides saying, you know, I really would love to know what you want so that I can make you happy. You know, she holds the key to that one, she’s got to be willing to express it.

Kevin Anthony 25:25
I gave him the right advice, apparently. Because basically, what I told him was the same thing as I said, it’s all in how you ask, right? And I said, basically, what you want to convey to her is that you want to know what she wants so that you can give it to her because you genuinely want to make her happy.

Céline Remy 25:42
That’s right. And I think it’s, it’s interesting, I’ve asked 1000s of men, this question, which Kevin, I have to ask you now because I just want to hear it out of your mouth. But because they’ve all pretty much said the same thing. No pressure. four-digit to you that Céline is happy.

Kevin Anthony 26:01
Oh, it’s, it’s like basically, number one in in the relationship? I mean, is there anything

Céline Remy 26:10
I mean, that that’s what 1000s of men have told me every single time I asked, they say it’s the most important thing, or it’s everything in the United Kingdom, they say it’s imperative. So I get this feeling that men are wired for our happiness to make us happy, which is a wonderful thing, when but I think a lot of women don’t believe it because they aren’t feeling happy in their marriages.

Laura Doyle 26:33
And it’s really because they’re unwittingly creating other conflicts. Maybe by not knowing that they’re being too helpful, not knowing that they don’t know what they want, for example, is another one, right? Or not knowing how to make themselves happy is another very common one,

Kevin Anthony 26:50
you know, as guys, I mean, basically, most of us get, either consciously or at least subconsciously, that if she’s happy, then that, in turn, will mean we will be at least happier, if not happy ourselves, right? Like we kind of intuitively get that. You know, as guys, we’re really pretty simple creatures, actually, you know, like, we don’t require a whole lot, we don’t really need a whole lot.

Kevin Anthony 27:16
We tend to, like, set up our world a certain way. And we’re like, okay, great, you know, we got it. And so, for us, the fact that she’s happy fits into that little world that we try to build for ourselves, our little kingdom perfectly. That’s what we want. We want to come home to a happy wife. That’s like an essential part of the

Céline Remy 27:39
of the kingdom. And is there anything more frustrating than when she’s not happy and you can’t fix it? It’s kind of the worst right? Whew.

Céline Remy 27:49
Alright, so we’re gonna come back to some of the passion thing here because I think we understand a lot of dynamics we’ve cleared out the fact that men and women aren’t different we have a lot of similarities, but we are very different to and rather than trying to bridge that gap and like become the same like.

Céline Remy 28:07
The more we can stay in our opposite the better things are the better I attraction and passion towards one another for sure. So when it comes to increasing the passion in a relationship, where do most people go wrong?

Céline Remy 28:24
Speaking from my own sad experience, I know one of the things to do in the battle days in my marriage was I just remember my husband be watching TV. He was probably trying to like escape from his smother mother’s wife, right? I guess I was really controlling.

Laura Doyle 28:41
And I would go over and salmon, my hands on my hips, and the average couple have sex two and a half times per week, and we haven’t done it for like two months, so I think we should do it. I thought he was gonna jump off the couch and just carry me into the bedroom. So sad, right? So something is wrong with him. I know men love sex and he’s just not interested. What could it be? And so yeah, it was a pretty sad situation. So I was making a number of mistakes there Right.

Laura Doyle 29:17
So one of them was gosh, I was just a humorless toothache of a porcupine why first of all, but also I think I did, I did a lot of mothering as I would tell, I thought could improve my husband. And I just didn’t realize that, you know, I mean, it’s pretty obvious. Men are not sexually attracted to their mothers. And mothers are not sexually attracted to their little boys either, which is so that’s the rules that I kind of had put us in so that was a big damper. And then also,

Kevin Anthony 29:46
less sexy, then. No offense moms, but then your wife trying to be your mom. Oh, gosh,

Céline Remy 29:53
right. Especially this mother Mother, I think is kind of who I was. It was not just even I wasn’t like a nice mom. I was like, you know but then we’d go sit down or whatever. So anyway, that was a huge mistake. And then, and that was also, I wasn’t very happy. He wasn’t feeling successful in making me happy.

Laura Doyle 30:12
And then the third thing, probably maybe even the biggest problem of all, as I was unfamiliar with the concept of the best aphrodisiac on the planet for men, which had totally gone missing in our relationship. And Kevin is nodding, I’m like,

Kevin Anthony 30:28
Well, it’s because it’s one of the questions. But as I stated before we started the interview. Like if it comes up, and it’s relevant, go with it. So now would be a great time to talk about what that number one aphrodisiac is, is

Céline Remy 30:43
respect is respect. And the funny thing about respect, I think, I totally thought I was being respectful and like, I totally respect my husband, except for the way he dresses and the way you dress. Hey, I had no concept I thought that I was. And this is I find this is really common with women that we don’t really know what respect looks like.

Laura Doyle 31:05
I remember one time I was writing a blog, and I was explaining kind of like, what I’d learned about respect, and I was thinking this is so weird like my feminine brain does not see the world the same way that men do. Because one of the things that I have found my husband just absolutely loves and is a wonderful aphrodisiac is that when I’m not respectful, for example.

Laura Doyle 31:27
I’ll take another embarrassing story about this was, we were at a restaurant one time where it was just like a swanky restaurant on a Saturday night, this place just jumps in, the waiters are flying, the music playing people are laughing at the bar, and we’re just having this really nice time.

Laura Doyle 31:44
And we’re talking about his work. And then I said something critical about one of his clients like, and really there was a subtext of like, you shouldn’t give that client good treatment because they don’t, whatever, because they’re not a good client. So it was like me trying to control how he runs his business, which he had for like 20 years. And he was doing fine with his business. He didn’t need me to tell him how to do it.

Laura Doyle 32:07
And so immediately, I say this, and all of a sudden he gets this look on his face like and then the waiter stops, the music stops like people stop laughing at the bar like our good time is over. Like we’re it’s about to go really bad. And I was like, Oh, I and I’m realizing like something’s wrong. Here I go, Oh, was that? Was that disrespectful just now because I didn’t really want to be accountable? And he was like, Yeah, I’m like, oh, and then I kind of got there.

Laura Doyle 32:37
I was like, Okay, well, I apologize for being disrespectful when I tried to tell you how to run your business. And he’s like, thank you. Like, I think he’s gonna say, oh, no, no, you weren’t? No, he’s like, thank you. And then all of a sudden, the music comes back in the way to come back and the bar is thriving again. And we’re our good time is back. And it was like the whole night was saved.

Laura Doyle 32:59
And I thought like, like what I mean, don’t think of that as disrespectful. That’s just me giving my opinion. I’m just like, being the devil’s advocate here. I’m just trying to, I’m being helpful with your business or whatever. And know that like he, he wants me above all to see him as competent, capable, and smart. And when that goes missing, Wow, it really can be a big breakdown in the intimacy in our relationship.

Kevin Anthony 33:27
Yeah, that that is pretty huge, for sure. And you know, I think a lot of times with these things is all about how you say it, right? Like, you probably could have made the same. You could have given the same opinion, but done it in a way where he didn’t feel challenged and disrespected.

Kevin Anthony 33:44
And I think that’s, that’s a pretty big key that I see a lot when I’m working with men because I primarily work with men, unless I’m coaching with Celine, and then we’re working with couples, but, you know, I talk to these men, and this is where they have an opportunity to tell me all this stuff they really want to say but can’t say in front of their wife, you know, and a lot of the times it’s like, they tell me the actual words that their wife says to them, and I’m like, whoa, whoa, ah, that was rough.

Kevin Anthony 34:12
But a lot of the time it’s not. It’s not that what they said is necessarily wrong. In other words, a lot of times the thing that they’re trying to tell their husband is a valid thing to tell them. It’s often the way that they say no, sometimes it’s completely invalid. But, but, but a lot of times it’s just the way it’s the way they kind of like, you know, shoved the dagger in there rather than doing it in a nice way.

Céline Remy 34:38
Yeah, it really, I think that was definitely a big problem. In my marriage, I was definitely saying things really poorly. But I think, in addition, I think because I was so controlling in so many areas. It really was this overarching mess message of you know, I don’t really trust you. I don’t really think you’re capable. I don’t really think you’re competent. And that was kind of the opposite of what happened when we fell in love. Right?

Laura Doyle 35:04
I fell in love with them because like, this is like the smartest guy I’ve ever met and so handsome, what are the chances, right, like, I think I’ll marry him. And it’s like familiarity really can breed that contempt. And so I think that that culture of control was like a constant drip, drip drip of like, I don’t really respect you. And that that, really, it was costly I was.

Laura Doyle 35:29
So it was so amazing to have the insights and the realizations about that I actually want to show up as a respectful way, I want to be respectful, it feels more dignified, and it feels more, I suppose more peaceful, to actually trust my husband, who really is quite capable. It’s really just kind of more about my own fears, showing up inappropriately.

Céline Remy 35:52
I love to live parts of when we change. And we see the behaviors that we no longer want to do will fuck up. And I love that you owned it. And for me, it was a similar process where it’s like, okay, now you’re starting to see what are the ways that I’m controlling and bitching, like all of these different things. And then when you watch yourself doing it, well, you stop yourself midway if you can, or just as you did it, and then comes the have to acknowledge that was really out of line.

Céline Remy 36:24
And that’s the hardest part. But once you do that, and, and I liked you the words to I apologize, so much better than I’m sorry, because I think that when you say I’m sorry, oftentimes, it’s disempowering. And it’s also still kind of victim mode, when we say I apologize for I feel like, I’m really taking ownership for something that I’ve done. And I’m not proud of it, you know, and that really changes how the other person hears it and receives it.

Céline Remy 36:54
And I love that that’s the words that you used in that context. And I love that you gave that example, for anyone listening, like, you will fuck up, you will say things that you didn’t mean. And that’s just part of being human and owning. Like, if you just tell you, man, I apologize. I didn’t mean to be rude. I have just been so cranky and tired today.

Céline Remy 37:15
And I forgot to let you know about that. I mean, I still have days like that. And then because like great, awesome, as we did, we can drop this, if I was like, I’m not gonna admit that I’m cranky, you know, like, this is gonna go on for days.

Céline Remy 37:30
Right? It’s so hard to admit it. Sometimes I’ll do that though. I’ll just be like I am today, I’m a bratty brat, you know, like, I’m just I wanted it like, Hey, I’m just not feeling like I’m going to be positive today. So I just want to warn you. And then of course, as soon as you bust yourself is like you can’t hold on to it. You can’t stay cranky after that. So that accountability really is powerful. I totally agree with what you just said.

Kevin Anthony 37:57
It’s powerful on both ends, too. Because from the man’s perspective, if the woman doesn’t own it, and she’s just being a brat, and he’s over there going, I know she’s being a brat, but she’s not admitting it, then then we start it really pisses us off, because we’re like, Well, I can very clearly see what’s happening here, you know? Whereas if you simply say you’re being a brat, we go, oh, well, she knows she’s been abroad. I know, she’s been a brat. While we’re all good with it. Like,

Céline Remy 38:23
it almost makes you want to go into like comfort or after that. Right, right. Like, not in a good way right now. Like so then you’re like, Okay, I’ll give you hot or something. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 38:34
it’s much easier for us as men to not take it personally. When the woman is owning her behavior. We just go okay, that’s where she’s at right now. And she’s aware of it. I’m aware of it. So we’ll just wait. Tomorrow will be a better day, you know, what can I do? The other thing is, what can I do to shift that for you? You know, that’s another thing like, the problem is if she’s not owning it, then there’s nothing you can do. Because it’s all you’re

Céline Remy 38:56
right. That’s right, that blame and Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 39:00
where’s this? She’s like, I’m just being a brat. Today. I can say, Well, is there something I can do for you? What would make it better for you? No.

Céline Remy 39:08
Yeah, totally. I know, I used to do a lot of like, criticizing my husband criticizing or blaming, blaming. It’s like, wait a minute, the opposite of accountability, but it seemed reasonable at the time.

Céline Remy 39:23
So this conversation has been absolutely fantastic. We have a couple more questions. And I’ve been so immersed in the conversation, I forgot to do our little special offer to our listeners. So let’s do that. Now. This is for all of your listeners who are in a committed relationship and you feel stuck in a rut you are going through the daily motions and you’re not connecting the way you used to.

Céline Remy 39:44
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Kevin Anthony 40:16
Alright, we’ve got three more questions, and they’re all essential, we can’t skip any of them because they’re too good. So we’re just gonna have to however long it takes to get through the bear. Okay, the first one is, you talk about the most powerful intimacy skill of all. And this really, this is a perfect time to ask this question, because we just talked about the aphrodisiac that works, that’s the best and free and this is kind of right along the same lines of that, can you tell the listeners what that most powerful intimacy skill is?

Céline Remy 40:50
Sure, this is what I call the spouse fulfilling prophecy. So this is the skill attend to the skill of gratitude, which I think we’re all taught, you know, you should be grateful. Don’t forget to be grateful. But I feel like I was never taught how magical it is how much I feel like how powerful it can be to really focus on the things, the experiences I want to have instead of the ones I don’t.

Laura Doyle 41:16
And I’ll give you a little example of this. I was. So I was listening to years and years ago, I listened to Lee Mel tear, talk about her course, on the power of autosuggestion, which is when you say things to yourself like I ran a marathon or I have a successful business or things that you want to be so even though they’re not so yet, and one of her students left this class, and by you know, I’ve been auto-suggesting to my husband, that he loses his temper a lot.

Laura Doyle 41:46
And that’s not what I want to be focusing on this. I want the experience I want to have. So she decided she was going to start saying, That’s not like you to lose your temper. So she went home, she waited for him to lose his temper, and she didn’t have to wait very long. And then she way she delivered her like she doesn’t like you lose your temper. And he just looked at her funny, like, What are you talking about?

Laura Doyle 42:06
And their 12-year-old son said, Yes, it is Mom, he always loses his temper. And then she thought, well, I got nothing to lose here because this wasn’t going well for me before. I’m just going to stick with my new habit. So she kept saying it whenever the time seemed right. And they were at a restaurant not too long after that. And he started to seem like I’ve got a good mind to call the manager over here and tell him how long I’ve been waiting.

Laura Doyle 42:28
And then he stopped himself. And he said to her, just don’t like me to lose my temper is on the floor, like oh my gosh. People live up to our expectations for them. So I heard this and I thought well, I’ve been I had been nagging my husband to get a raise, get a better job, get a promotion, make more money, and I’m such a good manifester. Like he quit his job, he was making no money because that’s what I was focused on. Right? Not enough money.

Laura Doyle 42:57
And he heard that loud and clear. And so I was so seething with resentment, I was so mad. And I just thought, Well, I’m gonna, I’m gonna change it up. And so I decided to start saying to him, you’ve always been a good provider. And then just for fun, I also started calling him Mr. Moneybags. And around that time, he started this business, the one that I was criticizing at the restaurant. It was super successful, it was more successful you’d ever been in his previous jobs.

Laura Doyle 43:22
He’d never had a business before. But all of a sudden, he became this really good provider. And so you might say it’s a coincidence. But I had a completely different experience by choosing my spouse fulfilling the prophecy and then finding evidence for it. So it’s not just a bald-faced lie, it feels like it at first, but then really looking for the pieces. Like he would get a check in the mail.

Laura Doyle 43:45
And I go, Look, Mr. Moneybags, you could take me out to sushi tonight or whatever, you know, I’d say something to just reinforce why I see him as a great provider and Mr. Moneybags. So that is just one example of the power of the spouse of filling prophecy. We have women use it for, like, one woman use it for her old one was, you never want to spend time with me.

Laura Doyle 44:07
And we came up with that it might serve her better to say, I know you want to spend time with me. And so when Saturday morning they got up, and she was thinking they were gonna spend the day together, and he got a call from his friend, and they were going to go surfing. And she got so upset. She’s like, you’d never want to spend time with me. She went back to the old one.

Laura Doyle 44:25
And then she walked away. And then she realized, like, oh, I was gonna use that new sponsor, way back. And she said, I really sorry, I got so upset. I know you want to spend time with me, and then she left again. And a few minutes later, he comes back into the room and he goes, You know, I told my friend I couldn’t go surfing today and she’s like you did? Why? And he goes, I want to spend time with you.

Kevin Anthony 44:51
Absolutely. You know, we have a slightly different version of that that we do. That is what we called the appreciation game. But it works very much the same way, we’re not so much trying to auto-suggest, in a sense, but what we are doing is telling each other on a regular basis, the things that we appreciate about them, which of course then reinforces those behaviors and those things.

Kevin Anthony 45:16
And it just, it doesn’t matter how bad your day is, you basically can’t be in a bad mood when your spouse says, hey, you know what I really appreciate about you as you do this thing. And it always works out this way. And you’re doesn’t matter how just pissed off you are at the world, you’re like, hey, thanks for noticing that.

Laura Doyle 45:36
It’s so true is the most powerful skill, because it does double duty it, it changes your heart, right when you become grateful. But it also is the person responds to you better when you just notice like that they took out the trash, for instance, it can be something small. But it’s powerful.

Kevin Anthony 45:53
You want to ask them this next question.

Céline Remy 45:56
All right. Well, I actually you put it on there, because you’re like, Oh, what the answer to that. You knew it from the book, as you read that chapter to be told,

Kevin Anthony 46:05
Well, you know, and of course, I get drawn to asking questions about things that society tells us aren’t so much true. And we know that they’re true because we can observe them in the wild as being true. But all the messaging says the opposite. Right? So the question is, why is sex better when you’re married? You have a chapter in your title that sex is better when you’re married.

Kevin Anthony 46:28
And you know, there’s so much pressure now to be on marriage, this that whatever, Joe need to be married? And this and that. No, there’s no doubt as soon as you get married, the sex goes downhill, right? This is all the messaging. So from your perspective, why is sex better when your man?

Laura Doyle 46:44
Well, yeah, and you guys, I’m sure know, too. But I mean, I think there’s a lot to be said for, I think sex is a lot like other skills, the more you practice, the better you get. And the more you practice with that same partner like I played doubles, volleyball. And I mean, I played with the same partner for years, and we got really good because we knew what the other person was going to do.

Laura Doyle 47:03
And, and I think there’s so much to be said, for that was sex with my husband’s, like, memorize this complicated set of instructions, which can change at any time, by the way, right, like, and so he really is focused on making me happy. And then I think there’s just also this enormous safety and security. This is like, this is a forever relationship. Like all the commitment is there all you know, this isn’t the first time it’s not the last time.

Laura Doyle 47:34
So I think there’s a lot of magic about it and also the things that carry over into the sex into the bedroom are the things that maybe been happening in the relationship to right like the sweet gestures of like him like he just brought me this cup of tea right before our podcast and feeling loved feeling treasured, feeling adored, really contributes to it being lovemaking, right, I mean, not just sex, but it’s just kind of it’s a celebration of our love really is making love.

Kevin Anthony 48:12
Yeah, well, and you know, one of the things that I see is that this isn’t always true, but it’s mostly true. Oh, it says that you know, for a woman to really surrender in sacks, like really let go and surrender. She just absolutely has to feel safe. And, and in the context of, like you said, like, this is the Forever relationship like I can trust this person, I can completely open up and let go and go into other dimensions and not worry.

Laura Doyle 48:43
That’s huge. It’s a really good point.

Céline Remy 48:46
So we are coming towards our last question. But before that, where Karen, I listeners find more about you, where can they connect with you? Well, we

Laura Doyle 48:56
have something really fun going on right now, which is we have a free adored wife roadmap that you can download at Laura doyle.org Absolutely free. I also have a podcast so they can, they can check me out on there. Also for free, we have a lot of free resources. But that’s where I would start because the adored wife roadmap has the three mistakes that women are making, trying to get their husband’s time, his attention, his affection, and as well as the six steps to becoming an adored wife.

Céline Remy 49:28
Sounds good to me. So go to that link will be in the description below and then put things into practice. Cuz that’s what makes a difference. You can’t just read a book, I know the thing and not do it. Right.

Laura Doyle 49:41
Action is the magic word.

Céline Remy 49:45
So Laura, tell us what is your best sexual talents?

Laura Doyle 49:49
Hmm, my best sexual. I think in the interest of being influenced by my husband, I’ve gotten really good at quickies. And I didn’t use to be I used to really have a, you know, like, Oh, you’re going too fast, you know, saying brace yourself is not good for play, right? And, and now I see that as just this, like, it can just be this little naughty interlude in the day or whatever.

Laura Doyle 50:20
So I think, like my receptivity, you know, like just being available. My husband knows I’m a sure thing. And he loves it. And I love it too. Why would I pass up the opportunity for that pleasure? To feel that connection to feel special to feel loved?

Kevin Anthony 50:43
Yeah. That’s the first time we’ve ever gotten that. So we asked that question to all our guests, and we love to hear the responses. I think that’s the first time that anyone’s given that one. That’s a great answer. Thanks. All right, well, we could go on forever and ever.

Kevin Anthony 51:00
But we were already over our usual allotted time for this podcast. So thank you so much, Laura, for coming on the show and sharing your wisdom with the audience. It was great to have you.

Laura Doyle 51:14
It’s been wonderful. Thank you so much for having me on the show. I enjoyed talking to you so much.

Kevin Anthony 51:21
All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week. We hope you like this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 51:38
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 51:52

Thanks for listening. And remember,

Céline Remy 51:54
you’re amazing