How To Set Healthy Boundaries

Céline Remy 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex, whether you are a man, woman, single or couple. This is the show for you. Because well, sex matters. We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony, and Céline Remy.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right. Welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 62, and it is titled How to Set healthy boundaries. So in this episode, we’re going to talk about what is a boundary? Why are boundaries important? The different types of boundaries…

Céline Remy 0:48
How to set a boundary

Kevin Anthony 0:50
How to set a boundary, what happens if you don’t set healthy boundaries? So there’s actually a lot to cover in this episode.

Céline Remy 0:57
And I think this episode is for you, whether you like a champ at setting boundaries, or you feel like okay, I’m not very good at saying no what at asking for what I want. And I want to have like guidelines, because this is going to reinforce the best practices and motivates you again, to go after what you want, and say it in a way that can be heard and be a win-win for everyone involved.

Céline Remy 1:23
So I’m excited about this episode. And before we get started, and let’s introduce our sponsor today, because this episode is brought to you by power and mastery, the most complete sexual training for men to develop your stamina boosts your confidence and in health, your sexual abilities. And you can find all about power and mastery at powerandmastery.com. So check it out, if you want to really just change your sex life for the better.

Kevin Anthony 1:51
Yes. Okay. So you know, one of the things that we love to do on this show is we love to talk about topics that are current these current for us. In other words, it’s come up with several clients, or it’s come up in our own personal life, something that’s really sort of alive in the moment. And in the last weekend, or I guess maybe a week, we’ve had multiple either clients and or friends come to us with boundary issues. Sorry, oh, it’s the perfect thing to talk about this week, because it really seems to be in the air. Now on the air.

Céline Remy 2:28
So let’s start with defining what we mean by boundaries. So what is a boundary you ask? A boundary is a guideline, or a rule or a limit that a person creates, I heard to feel seen, to feel or to be loved, respected, but it’s really to protect yourself, in a sense, ultimately. And there are different ways of setting up those boundaries. And we’ll talk more about that. But ideally, when we use that term boundary, these are guidelines or rules.

Kevin Anthony 3:01
Yeah. And they might be to protect yourself. And they might be just to set the stage for how you want to interact. You know, there was a study done, and I don’t have the actual study here. But there was a study done with children. And, and what they did was, with certain kids, they didn’t give them any value. So you can go wherever you want.

Céline Remy 3:25
Yeah, it was in a playground, and they told them to go have fun and play outside in the playground. But they there was no fence around the playground. And what they noticed is when there was no fence, the kids tend to stay kind of like grouped in the middle. And they didn’t really explore and, and move around. When they set up a fence where it was very clear boundaries, there were markings, there was a fence, the children felt much more free to explore and play around, and they were spread out throughout the entire playground.

Céline Remy 4:00
So what that means is, when you set a boundary, or a fence or a limit in that particular scenario, it actually makes people and children feel safer. And therefore they feel more comfortable exploring and playing and being free and happy.

Kevin Anthony 4:21
It sounds a little counterintuitive, that when you impose a boundary on something that you feel more free, but it does based on research seem to be the case that when people understand when they know what the rules are, then they’re more willing to explore to the full extent of the rules. It’s just a sort of human nature thing.

Kevin Anthony 4:39
And for those of you listening, who are thinking, well, that’s great for children, but I’m an adult, stop. And just think for a moment about how much of what you do in your daily life actually was given to you when you were a child. Right. And you can talk to any psychologist about this, right? Where it’s like, so much of our behavior and our patterns, the things that we do on a day to day basis are actually things that we learned between the ages of, you know, zero in about five,

Céline Remy 5:09
We can stretch it to seven, maybe

Kevin Anthony 5:10
Maybe, it depends on the person.

Céline Remy 5:14
So, okay, so why are boundaries important? And what’s the value of sticking to your boundaries? Tell us all, Kevin.

Kevin Anthony 5:28
Why are boundaries important? I mean, you know, like, we kind of just said boundaries, sort of layout the rules of the game. And, you know, I’m a big fan of setting up the scenario, the stage, whatever you want to call it, for the best possible outcome. Right. And unfortunately, I think what a lot of people do is they just kind of let life happen to them. Right? And they just go, Oh, well, he said this to me, or he treated me that way. Or she did this or that. And then when you ask them when you actually stop and talk to them, you say, Well, okay, have you ever had a conversation?

Kevin Anthony 6:04
Have you ever said that’s not an appropriate way to talk to you? Or that’s not an appropriate action to do? And then and then the answer you get is? Well, no, I mean, we never really said it, but I just assumed he she would know, blah, blah, blah, right. So I’m a big fan of, let’s set the ground rules, and let’s create the environment, that gives us the best possible chance for succeeding. And not just in a relationship but in life, right.

Kevin Anthony 6:34
So rather than letting the relationship happened to you, or the circumstance happened to you, you try to set it up such that you are deciding what is actually going to happen, at least as best you can, right? Because we don’t have control over everything.

Céline Remy 6:49
So what you are saying is that you take full responsibility for what happens around at what like how you react to things, you teach others how to treat you, by telling them what’s appropriate, and what’s not appropriate. And in doing so, you’re ultimately doing an act of self-love. And I think that’s where people sometimes get lost or see boundaries of this, this really negative thing. But if you flip the coin around, and you realize that it is as an act of self-love, because you love yourself, and you’re like, this is what I can tolerate.

Céline Remy 7:29
This is what I have the bandwidth for this is where I excel. And this is where I have to stop so that I can recharge. You are telling others that you love yourself enough to be willing to set boundaries and limits to how people have access to you. And in doing so, you show others what it’s like to have love for yourself.

Kevin Anthony 7:51
Yeah, and keep in mind, there’s, there’s what’s appropriate in life in general. Then there’s what’s appropriate for you. That’s an important thing because you might set a boundary. And then somebody says, Well, that’s ridiculous. Because why would you need to do that. And the point is, is it doesn’t really matter. If that’s what you need, in order to show up at your best in a relationship, then it doesn’t really matter if that’s not what most people do, or somebody thinks it’s unreasonable because it’s what you need.

Céline Remy 8:24
Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I want to look a little bit at the different kinds of boundaries. And we kind of really lump them into two categories, where we have the physical boundaries. So when we think about physical boundaries, we are thinking about, that you need some personal time or space for yourself, or that you have, in the sexual context, a certain need for foreplay before having sex. So your boundaries, that you’re not going to have penetration until you feel fully aroused in your genitals or whatever that looks like for you.

Céline Remy 8:58
But in the realm of the physical, I mean, we can go as far and in here, because we are on the love lab podcast, we’re really focusing on the love and relationship aspect. But it can also look at the physical in terms of your physical safety, in some relationship where there’s abuse, or like different things that do happen, setting boundaries around your physical safety can be essential. Well, it’s basically saving your life to do that, too.

Kevin Anthony 9:27
Yeah, so you know, the physical boundary would be like, maybe in a heated argument, somebody would be like, grabbed me by the arm, and they want to, you know, really get in your face. And so physical boundary might be there, if we’re having an argument, there won’t be any hands-on in any way, not even grabbing my hand. Like that’s a boundary not even getting in my face, a boundary might even be you, you can’t yell, when you’re having a conversation, there’s a lot of boundaries there that, as you said, are teaching people how you want to be interacted with, there’s of course, physical boundaries for safety, you know, obviously, something like hitting or abuse would be a very clear boundary.

Kevin Anthony 10:09
But there are also boundaries, as you indicated, with sexuality as well, right. So the boundary might be, you know, I need a certain amount of foreplay, or I need a certain position, or I need a certain this or that in order to be able to, you know, either have sex or fully open up or whatever it is. And so healthy physical boundaries are very important.

Céline Remy 10:33
The second kind of boundaries is emotional. There’s a line I could kind of get blurred, because you like, Well, you know, as soon as like yelling in my face, we’re already getting close to being into the emotional realm. So with the emotional that’s about, you need to get really clear on how others talk to you. And that’s really important. I also want to mention, you know, don’t do to others what you don’t want them to do to you.

Céline Remy 10:58
So if you want people to talk to you in a calm, relaxed manner, and not be upset, like don’t be the one who’s going to scream at them, show them by example, but also set very clear boundaries, verbal, verbal, like don’t just leave clues, like verbally request things if necessary. Another part of emotional boundaries setting is about not standing for what we call emotional terrorism. Emotional terrorism kind of looks like you made me feel this way. You did this, and I’m so mad, and you this and I’m dead, and you and you and this.

Céline Remy 11:38
And it’s like, basically, ultimately, you feel way worse at the end of the conversation that you did at the beginning. And everything has turned to be about you even though it’s the person having an issue, and it’s because it’s your fault.

Kevin Anthony 11:54
Yeah. And that’s one form of emotional terrorism. But there’s actually a lot of forms of emotional terrorism. One is constantly doing the blame game, of course, right? It’s always the other person’s fault. But there are others as well. Another one would be passive-aggressive. This is something you see a lot in relationships. That’s sort of passive. No, no, it’s okay. And then making them pay big for it later on. That’s another form of emotional terrorism. And then there’s gaslighting to.

Kevin Anthony 12:23
And if you’re not familiar with gaslighting, I mean, I think pretty much everybody is these days, because it’s been in the news so much. But the idea of gaslighting is constantly creating these scenarios or situations where it always makes the other person seem like they’re crazy in some way. Right? So you keep creating all these little subtle situations that get the person to doubt their own self. Right. And that’s the whole, you know, emotional terrorism game that people play when it comes to gaslighting, which is somebody might feel inside that, that they know that they’re, they’re right about a certain thing.

Kevin Anthony 12:59
But the person keeps doing all this sort of subtle stuff in the background, to the point where they start to go, Well, maybe, maybe, maybe they’re right, maybe maybe I have it all wrong, maybe and you start to doubt yourself, right?

Céline Remy 13:13
Maybe it’s me, after all.

Kevin Anthony 13:14
Yeah, exactly. So that’s, that’s yet another form of what we would call emotional terrorism. You know, those things, they’re very subtle. It can often be very difficult to realize that this is occurring in your relationship. That’s one of the reasons why setting these boundaries from the beginning is so important. Because the problem is, if you don’t realize that it’s happening, you could go months, years of enduring this emotional terrorism and the toll that it takes on you before you ever even realize that it was happening.

Kevin Anthony 13:55
And so setting boundaries right away, you start a new relationship, you have these types of conversations. They don’t have to be put in the negative. And we’ll talk more about that later about how to set proper boundaries. But just that’s why that’s one of the main reasons why so important.

Céline Remy 14:08
So you brought up a really important thing in terms of like, sometimes people don’t even realize that there’s boundaries issue and things around that. And I think it’s how do you know really is? How do you feel when you’re around the person? How do you feel after you interacted with the person? Are you building up a lot of resentment? Are you feeling upset after you’ve spoken with somebody when you think about them you like, like this, like, angry? And as it comes up, if there are things like this, these usually sign that you are letting this person walk over you in terms of over your boundaries and that you’re probably not setting your boundaries very well.

Céline Remy 14:55
So look, for that, look for those signs, there was one more thing in our emotional balance raise on why you would want to set emotional boundaries, which is about being clear on which emotions belong to you. And the fact that you do not need to take on other people’s emotion.

Kevin Anthony 15:13
Yeah, this is a big one. In fact, like I said, in the beginning of this episode, we like to talk about things that are current and happening. And we’re actually having a conversation with a friend who was relaying something that she experienced with another friend, basically was saying that her friend had a conversation with her and said that she processes all of her partner’s emotions, because he doesn’t process them, he tends to bottle them up inside. So she takes all that stuff on herself and then processes it. That is a very unhealthy situation.

Kevin Anthony 15:49
Now, you know, I guess maybe it’s better that at least somebody’s working on processing them. But really, we have to be responsible for our own emotions, and we have to work through them ourselves. So the real solution to that is to find ways to encourage, in this case, him to identify, recognize and deal with his own emotions, because the waters get really muddy when you start doing that, and then you can’t, you’re not really sure is that my thing is that his thing or her thing, like, whose emotion is that really, and, and you know, what you do to work on something really depends on whose issue it is.

Céline Remy 16:27
Well, and there’s also something to be said about the person who’s choosing to take on the other person’s emotion because maybe they don’t have enough self-love for themselves. Maybe they don’t have passion and hobbies in life, and they have nothing better to do. And that gives them a sense of purpose and a sense of doing something. But ultimately, if you dig in deeper, they don’t have a sense of full satisfaction, there’s a sense of sacrifice, which has been glamorized.

Céline Remy 16:57
I know that even in my family, a few if we look, look back a generation or two, there was this idea of like, wow, the more suffering, the better it is, it means you know, “a hard life” is a good life. And I don’t think it has to be that way. And that setting boundaries to make your life not as difficult as you know, it, like it doesn’t always have to be super hard and difficult, is actually a good thing to be able to do. So

Kevin Anthony 17:21
Yeah, that idea of the more hardship you endure, the better. That’s the slave master, convincing the slave that it’s okay to have a hard life a hard existence. Now, I won’t deny that difficult circumstances can force you to grow and become better people. But we shouldn’t be wearing like a badge of honor, all of the difficulty in hardship and suffering. And we shouldn’t be intentionally seeking out that suffering, in order to advance or raise our consciousness or evolve or whatever word you want to call it.

Kevin Anthony 17:59
And that actually something that I see a lot in the New Age, self-help sort of, you know, spiritual world where it’s all about, you’ve got to go through the dark, darkest parts, to have your dark night of the soul, you’ve got to go through the pain in the heart and all of this. There’s value in that to an extent. And then past that extent, you’re just wallowing in your own shit. And so, yes, sometimes you need to go through some difficult things. But the more shit you go through doesn’t make you any more evolved or any more enlightened than anybody else.

Céline Remy 18:42
And there’s something to be said that the more you push to make things happen, oftentimes, the less happy you are in. So the more we learn to let go and be like, okay, and surrender, even when things are hard, things open up and change. So when I look at the different ways of setting boundaries, because now we’re getting clear on Okay, some boundaries on how they show up. And even though people know about boundaries, many people don’t fall in the healthy boundary categories.

Céline Remy 19:13
So you want to fall into half the boundary category, which was all about when you able to set a boundary and you’re able to, to change it when there’s a new set of information that arises that comes through. So you like navigating through life without controlling it? And just like keeping this happy experience, and that’s when you have healthy boundaries? Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 19:33
So the key to the healthy boundary is when you have to set it, okay, right, you have to set the healthy boundary to you have to be willing to stick with the boundary. And three, you have to be willing to change the boundary if the circumstances change or some input factor changes, right. So you can talk in the rigid boundaries about that.

Céline Remy 19:59
The other category that a lot of people fall in is okay, they learn to, to sit, just do set boundaries, so then they become really rigid. That’s what Kevin’s talking about. So it’s like, it is my way or my way, I am now good at setting boundaries. And it’s like, it’s kind of like an old paradigm. And when I think of that, I kind of think of like my grandpa, somebody who was very rigid in that way. But it’s like, it doesn’t really have any leeway for creating win-win.

Kevin Anthony 20:34
Well, it doesn’t really have any explanation. Because when people have super rigid boundaries like that if you actually ask them the question, why? Why does that boundary exist?

Céline Remy 20:43
Because I said, so.

Kevin Anthony 20:44
That’s awesome. Yeah. Well, just because, or Because I said so. Or because that’s just the way it is. Or because that’s the way my father did it. And his father and his father before it, you know, you get those kinds of answers, where what you should get is, the reason why I set that boundary is because if I don’t have that boundary, here’s what’s likely the outcome. I would like this other outcome over here. So I’m creating a healthy boundary around it in hopes that I will be able to, to have this healthy outcome.

Céline Remy 21:15
Yeah, this is really well, this is very well explained. So then where people can fall into an icy a lot of people in that category, so when we call them wishy-washy, and so they’re like, Okay, I’m setting a boundary. But I don’t really stick to what I say. And I allow others to have their way. And ultimately, I feel like shit at the end.

Kevin Anthony 21:37
See, the problem with wishy-washy boundaries? Is that one, the person thinks that they have boundaries. Yes. Yes. You hear this all the time. When you coach people, right? You’re like, Well, okay, have you set a boundary around that? Yes, absolutely. I set a boundary on that we had this conversation. And I don’t know what else to do, because I’ve already set the boundaries. And then as you dig in a little deeper when you find out a little bit more, it turns out, yeah, you set the boundary, but you didn’t keep the boundary,

Céline Remy 22:06
Or you didn’t set a consequence. And this is a very important thing to remember. Because setting a boundary is one part. But oftentimes, you have to have a consequence. Like what happens, actually, if the boundaries crossed? You know, how important is the boundary? Like, is it a survival issue? Or is it a preference. So the consequence will be adapted, depending on where you fall in, in the on the spectrum of being like, super important or not.

Céline Remy 22:37
But the consequence is, what happens when that person is crossing your boundary. And the consequences, the most important part if you don’t follow through, and there’s no consequence. And by the way, some people like, I don’t feel right to set a consequence, you don’t even have to decide for yourself, this could be a conversation, that you have to gather that, okay, like what would you think would be a fair consequence if their spawn boundary was crossed?

Kevin Anthony 23:07
Yeah. And the consequences don’t have to be negative punishment things either. That’s an important thing to say. A consequence could simply mean if you raise your voice to me, when we’re trying to have a discussion, I’m not going to continue having a discussion. Right. So if you want to sit down and work this out, then you’re not going to talk to me that way. Right. And so, you know, when we hear consequences is probably because of the way we were all raised like the consequences were always negative in some way, they don’t necessarily have to be negative.

Kevin Anthony 23:36
The consequences might be okay, if, if you start yelling, and you’re not able to have a reasonable conversation, like two adults, then I’m going to call a timeout. And we’re going to take separate space until we can come back together and have a reasonable conversation. That’s one example of a consequence, that isn’t necessarily a negative one.

Céline Remy 23:58
It could be like a boundary that crossed in an agreement in a relationship agreement where somebody cheats, so or does something that had not, you know, being part of the agreement. You guys can have a big conversation around, okay, this, this happened, and I can see my part in it, maybe I didn’t give you attention, maybe I was too busy working, maybe this and that. And then the person’s like, yeah, I didn’t feel loved. So I’m willing to, to be okay with that and take responsibility.

Céline Remy 24:28
And if I, if this happens, again, I’m going to call the relationship, we are off, you know, I’m going to do my best to show you, my love, I’m going to make an effort, and you’re going to do something, too. So there’s also these other types of consequences that you can talk about and ahead. The thing is, you can just decide without letting the other person know, this is the consequence. And they call off a relationship without having to have like a conversation about it.

Kevin Anthony 24:55
Are you saying that you have to communicate your boundaries and consequences?

Céline Remy 25:01
Absolutely. So

Kevin Anthony 25:03
Who would have thought?

Céline Remy 25:04
I know. I would love, love, love, love to get into how to set the boundaries. But before we get into that, I just want to like, okay, go a little bit deeper into like, hey, what happens in a relationship when you have like when you don’t have strong boundaries? Me

Kevin Anthony 25:21
I know. Well, the very first one is if you either don’t set boundaries, or you don’t keep your boundaries, then you’re teaching the other person. Basically, how you don’t want to be treated. Right? So what you’re teaching them that let’s say you set a boundary, but you don’t really stick to it. So what you just taught that person is that the boundaries don’t matter. Yes. And this is a big one you see with parents and kids all the time, right?

Kevin Anthony 25:48
Parents, that’s a boundary you are not going to do this if you do, you know, take away the PlayStation or whatever it is right? And then the kid does it, and then they don’t follow through. They don’t take away the PlayStation. What does the kid learn at that moment? It doesn’t fucking matter what mom or dad says, because they ain’t gonna do shit anyway. Right? And then they just keep doing the thing they’re not supposed to do.

Céline Remy 26:09
It happens in relationship to like, Okay, this definitely happened by that day. I’m out. Are we no longer a couple? But ultimately, you still stay with it. So what do you start to fret on the relationship and create this very weird energy of like, I’m not fully in and then it kind of opens the door for a lot of other stuff.

Kevin Anthony 26:31
Yeah, well, the example you just gave is also what we would call an ultimatum, which you never want to do ultimatums in your relationship either. So

Céline Remy 26:40
unless you really mean it.

Kevin Anthony 26:42
Well, there might be a few times where a healthy ultimatum is, is, is good, but, but nine times out of 10. When people do ultimatums in their relationship, they’re bad. Yes, this is this isn’t about ultimatums. But just know that.

Céline Remy 26:55
So what happens to in a relationship without really good boundaries, there’s a lot of blaming God criticizing resentments that are building up.

Kevin Anthony 27:04
Yeah, that’s the big one that I wanted to make sure that we talked about was resentment. The thing is, is if you set a boundary, and even if you’re the one who’s letting that boundary lapse, and it’s your own fault for doing so, there’s always going to be this low level of resentment, that it’s like a parasite that’s slowly killing the relationship. And over time, that the more you do that, the bigger that resentment grows and grows and grows, and it’s literally like a virus that’s killing you.

Céline Remy 27:37
It’s killing the hilarity the attraction, so you most likely not having great sex anymore, you’re not having the respect for each other and not having enough respect for yourself. I mean, it really erodes at the foundation of the relationship, like Kevin is saying. So it’s really like, it’s essential to be able to do that. And then the last part that I wanted to bring in is also a lot of women that where they sacrifice their dreams, their plans in order to please others and I’m saying women because I see it happening more for the women that I do see it for the men.

Céline Remy 28:09
However, I’ve seen it happen in both people where a guy agreed to have a kid when they didn’t want to, and then their dream was to travel around the world. But they’re kind of stuck now for that 20 years. And who knows how much money they’ll have left or time or energy wants to get has grown up. Women who are like it’s all about my kids, and then the relationship, it takes its toll on the relationship, or I’m not going to go for this job that I wanted to whatever that is you sacrifice yourself.

And again, as we mentioned it earlier, this is not something that you should wear as a badge of honor. It’s not about being selfish, but it’s just about being congruent with yourself.

Céline Remy 28:54
And that’s when you able to be like this is who I am, this is what I want in our lives, love myself fully and unconditionally in all the ways that I am, then others can do that for you as well. And that’s really what creates a more beautiful relationship when you need. You don’t need to apologize or explain or justify anything anymore. Because you just like, that’s how it is. But I’m doing this kindly and lovingly. Everything else follows.

Kevin Anthony 29:23
Yeah.

Céline Remy 29:25
So let’s get into how to set proper boundaries. Because now that you understand that they are essential and crucial to your own sanity and, and, and relationship longevity. Let’s take a look. First, what did you do? Well, firstly, look at what are they like? Do I have boundaries? What are the existing boundaries? Or what is it lacking?

Céline Remy 29:49
Do I not have boundaries, and then importantly, to look at the different aspects of your life, because some people are really good, let’s say they really good with their friends, at setting boundaries: No I am not going to do this tonight! But they suck at it in their romantic partnership or the opposite. Or they really don’t have good boundaries with their family or parents or at work, or they’re good at work, but not in the family. Like you get it right.

Kevin Anthony 30:14
So so the first thing is to take an assessment of what boundaries you may or may not already have that where you can figure out where you need to create boundaries that may not exist but need to. The second thing is you have to really communicate those boundaries. And what came to my mind, as you were just talking about that moment ago, was I remember years ago, going to a party event with my partner. And we were carpooling.

Kevin Anthony 30:44
We had another person who was also going to this same event. And the person riding with us said: So what are your guy’s boundaries for this event? And my partner goes, ” Well, we don’t have any boundaries.”

I turned around. I’m driving in the car, I turn around, I’m like, What are you talking about? Of course, we have boundaries. I named like five boundaries, you know? And I’m like, wait a minute, how, how is it that she thought we had no boundaries? And I thought that we had these boundaries, right? So communication, right? So it’s one thing to set the boundaries. But if nobody knows what the boundaries are, this is not really going to help.

Céline Remy 31:23
And if your communications time difference, you know, I see value in writing things down, because then it’s like, or like repeating, what did you hear me say? Or like? Can you tell me in your own words? What? How you heard, like what we talked about? How would you explain it to somebody else? And then you can hear it again and be like, okay, or like, let me clarify this one point because that was not super clear.

Kevin Anthony 31:45
Yeah. And actually, the way we resolve that was, I said, Oh, my God, I can’t believe she thinks we don’t have boundaries. So we let her we literally wrote them down. And I kept them in a note on my phone, so that they were readily available at any moment. Here’s the list, right here. This is what we have agreed to do. I want to say something too because this came up in a conversation with one of our friends who inspired us to do this episode, is how you communicate that boundary is really important, right? Because you can just say, this is my boundary. And that’s it, boom, done. All right, because I need this boundary. And that’s it. I don’t want to hear it.

Kevin Anthony 32:28
Or you could say, well, I would like to set this boundary because I know myself and I know that if this isn’t in place, then I will probably do this or this outcome will happen. And so really, the setting this boundary is for both of our benefits, because if I do this, then I will have any resentment, I’ll be happier. And then that will translate into our relationship. We will be more harmonious. Right? So one of the things that, that I always tell people, whether it’s their relationship or negotiating with their business, you know, when they want a new position, or they want something out of it, I say, you got to show the other side of the negotiation, what the benefit is for them.

Céline Remy 33:09
And yes, that’s that was my next step here, Kevin, that you explained very well. Like, you have to take responsibility, and you have to focus on yourself in terms of like, instead of saying, like, Hey, you have to not bother me when I’m at my desk, like, okay, yeah, you’re focusing on yourself, as you’re telling the other person what to do, which nobody loves to hear. But you could shift that around and say something along the lines, okay? Just so you know, I’m closing and locking my door, because I need some undisturbed time, so I can accomplish all the work that I need. And then I’ll feel more productive, and I’ll be able to spend the evening with you, and I won’t have to focus on like the things that haven’t been done

Kevin Anthony 33:51
Exactly. And a big key to that is, yes, I’m locking the door so that I can get this done. And I want to get it done. So that once it’s done, I can give you 100% of my attention. I can focus on you. I can let the de-stresses go. And we can just be together. So again, it’s that like, what’s in it for the kind of thing.

Céline Remy 34:12
Yeah. Then I want you to remember that no, is a complete sentence. Yes, don’t have to justify, and I think this is a work I had to do on myself like oftentimes, like, Well, no, because you know. If I did this, and this and then I had, you know, like a three-minute story of like, how this happened in my childhood. This is why 90 to do it this way. And it’s not quite relevant. And it’s really not essential.

Kevin Anthony 34:44
Yeah, thank you for bringing that up. Because the whole idea of expressing what a benefit is could be misinterpreted as a justification. Because you don’t need to justify why you have a boundary. But it can be helpful to splaying the healthy reasons why, but it’s not a justification, you’re not telling the person I’m doing it this way. Because that makes it okay to have this boundary, it’s okay to have the boundary no matter what. But you’re also just saying that, by the way, when I set this boundary because this is what I need, there’s also a benefit in it for you.

Céline Remy 35:24
And then remember, depending on the type of boundaries, the relationship, and stuff, like having a consequence that you are willing to follow through with. And like Kevin mentioned, the consequent does not always have to be negative. Like it could also be like, Hey, you know, a consequence could be if this is being respected very well, it could be a nice reward. That’s a really nice consequence to you know, like, we don’t have to always think of it as punishment, right? But it could be like, wow, even I do that for myself, okay?

Céline Remy 35:54
If I’m like, if I don’t go on social media, and I get all my work done, then I give myself the mission to, I don’t know, go for 20 minutes then on social media, because I was able to stay away from it or like, go on YouTube, or like, whatever that is, right. I mean, there could be rewards, there could be a reward. Well, it’s all up to you. It’s all up for negotiation. And it’s not gonna happen on the air, Kevin. Darn. So ultimately, I think the takeaway is this. Setting boundaries is an act of self-care and self-love, and it is crucial. Start small, but start today. Big one area of your life where you are noticing that you are not always sticking to your boundaries, so you could do better.

Céline Remy 36:42
Don’t try to change everything at once. Pick one area and just be empowered by saying know, if you have friends that are willing to play along or partners, it could be a day of know when you decide that today every questions your partner is going to ask you simply going to say no. Then know that you discuss this just to start practicing saying no. And then you’ll see that the more you say no, the easier it becomes, the more empowered you feel.

You don’t have to fake it, you don’t have to justify it anymore. You can just be like, wow, this is a full Yes, right now. This is no. And that’s when you finally set your life free and have a thriving relationship not only with others but with yourself.

Kevin Anthony 37:25
Oh yeah. Well, I think that’s the perfect place to end this episode. All right, everybody. We hope that was helpful, and we hope that you practice setting your boundaries. And we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, leave a comment and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 37:50
And if you want more, we have an entire digital library with the best sex tips and Relationship Advice at Celineremy.com. That’s Celineremy.com. So join us in the sex vault to continue this adventure.

Kevin Anthony 38:07
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 38:09
And remember, you’re amazing