How To Increase Your Sexual Confidence

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 262. And it is titled How To Increase your sexual confidence. Okay, this is a topic that I work with a lot, a lot. So many of the men that I work with have difficulty with sexual confidence. And so it is a topic that comes up all the time that I’m always talking about. And I realized I don’t think we have ever done an entire show on sexual confidence. And now’s the time to do that. I want to make a note also about how I’m gonna go about talking about this. I’m going to talk primarily from a man’s perspective, however, I will be covering things for women as well, the way confidence in the bedroom shows up is different for women than men for sure. And when it comes to things that you can do to increase confidence, many of them will pertain to both men and women, although some of them will pertain only to men. So sexual confidence is an issue with both men and women. And we’re going to talk about that today. And I just want you to know that the episode will be slightly weighted towards the masculine one because that’s primarily who I work with. And because I am also a man myself, it is a little bit easier for me to talk about the experience of confidence. So that is what we are going to be talking about today.

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Okay, so sexual confidence. Full disclosure here. I once told Céline Before we had been together sexually, it was just when we had we were talking about scheduling a date and getting together, I once told her that I was great in bed. Yep, I actually did that. She kind of laughed about it. She kind of rolled her eyes. She was like, yeah, whatever. You know, I mean, obviously, she was interested enough to think I had enough decent skills. But you know, generally, if you tell a woman hey, by the way, I’m great in bed, they’re likely to have that reaction. They have that reaction for two reasons. Number one, most of the men they’ve been with are not great in bed. It’s just that simple. So they’ve heard this before and it hasn’t turned out to be true. Secondly, most of the men who actually would have the balls to tell a woman they’re great in bed, really are not that great in bed.

So she hears that from me and she’s just like yeah, whatever how many men have told me that before? I am pleased to say though, that once we did actually make love, she admitted to me afterward she goes, You know what? I thought you were just being conceited and full of shit. But you’re actually right, you are great in bed. So why do I tell that not to brag about, you know, being great, but that’s really not what it’s about. And, you know, I have to, I say this all the time. You know, when it comes to sexual skills, mileage will vary. We are human. We are, you know, sometimes more tired than others. Sometimes we’re on top of our game, sometimes we’re not on top of our game, you know, we’re not going to blow your mind off the charts every single time, no matter how hard we tried to do that no matter how good we are. And great lovemaking, like truly great lovemaking really is a co-creation between both of the people involved.

So even if I am a sexual master if the person that I am having sex with is not keeping up their end in whatever way, maybe they’re, they’ve got trauma and they’re shut down, or your whatever it is, that’s getting in the way of them, maybe there’s a lack of trust or something, whatever it is, you’re not going to have that kind of, you know, super powerful out of this world fucking amazing sex that I talked about, in the previous episode, called, this is what sex could be you missing out, if you haven’t listened to that one, go back and listen to it. So yeah. It’s important to be confident. And it’s also important not to be cocky, for lack of a better term about it, because most women aren’t gonna believe you if you say it anyway. And because the mileage will vary, you don’t want to make claims that you can’t live up to, and what happens if you’re like, you know, for a week leading up to the encounter, you’re flirting with her saying, Your how great you are, and how awesome it’s going to be and how you’re going to rock their world. And then it doesn’t happen. Right. And that’s totally possible, it is absolutely possible that that could happen, that for whatever reason, you were nervous on that date, or, you know, maybe she wasn’t aware of how to manage your energy, and she just got lost in her own orgasm and pulled you over that, like there are a million things that could happen.

So, again, I didn’t tell you that story about what I said to Céline to brag but to tell you really what you shouldn’t do. It worked out well for me at that moment. But I have learned since then, you know not to do that sort of thing. There have been times in my life when I was incredibly confident about my sexual ability and absolutely lived up to it. And there are times when I was incredibly confident and I was like, Oh, that really didn’t go the way that I thought it would go. And that’s just life. It really just is. And that’s just life in a male physical body. And it’s something that women often don’t understand. Because, you know, it’s way easier for them to perform, so to speak. So, all right. Having said all that, I got three things I basically want to cover here today. The first one is what is sexual confidence. I know it sounds really super basic like everybody knows what confidence is, of course, okay. But I want to break it down a little bit because there are some areas in here that you may not think of where you may be lacking confidence and not even be aware of it. Then I want to talk about why sexual confidence is important. And then of course, lastly, how do you increase your sexual confidence? So that’s where we’re going in this episode.

But you know what, before we do that, we need to hear from the ultimate confident sexual master here. This is somebody who is absolutely unashamed about their confidence and they will absolutely tell every woman just how great they are. “Do I make you horney?”, “Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?” All right, I couldn’t resist you know, if you’ve listened to the show for any length of time. I have always been an Austin Powers fan, just because I was a fan of the original James Bonds and I love great parodies and they are funny movies. And when you’re talking about sex, there are just so many great little sound bites from those movies that I will often interject into them in episodes here. So there we are. We heard a little bit from Mr. Austin Powers, the man who is so sexually confident that the first time he meets a woman he says, Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?

Okay, what is sexual confidence? Number one, is being confident in getting dates. So this is something that I see with a lot of the men I coach. They are out there in the dating world, and they struggle with how do they get a woman interested enough to go out on a date with them. And a big part of that is the way they show up in that sort of courting flirting process, and how to get a woman interested. And so confidence plays a big part in that. Really, if you don’t show up confident in that women can absolutely sense it and feel it. And it’s unattractive, which we’ll talk about more later when we get into why sexual confidence is important. But it’s important to be confident right from the start. So basically, what I’m saying is, before you even get to the bedroom, you’ve got to start the confidence ahead of time. Because think about it, if you’re not really confident in your flirting and you’re dating, in, you know, whatever else is, you know, obviously, you’re dating, right? So you’re planning something, whether it’s a movie or a dinner, or a picnic, or some other thing that you’re going to do on this date if you’re not confident right from the beginning, what do you think the chances are that you’re going to be confident by the time you hit the bedroom? Probably not that good.

Next, being confident that you can move into the sexual realm on a date. This is another one I hear really often from men, which is, okay, they’ve gotten the date. Now they’re on the date. And they’re like, how do I move this towards sex, and they start to lack confidence there. And so they don’t, they don’t do the types of things that could potentially lead to that. So they hesitate. And, you know, maybe they don’t bring it up in conversation, or maybe they don’t, you know, attempt to kiss her or something like that, like, there’s, there are things that would definitely move a date or an encounter towards the sexual realm, that don’t happen, because sometimes men lack the confidence.

Next, being confident that you can get an erection when you need one. So this is actually one of those ones that pertain to men specifically, and I should have been more clear. So with the first one, being confident, and getting dates, women don’t generally have that problem, women know that there’s generally no matter what they look like or who they are, there’s generally a line of men willing and wanting to go out on a date with them and have sex with them. So that’s not often an issue for women. But being confident they can move into the sexual realm that that can sometimes be an issue for women for various reasons, generally different reasons. For men, it’s kind of like, well, how do I make the first move? What if she thinks I’m being too pushy? You know, blah, blah, blah, whereas women, it’s kind of more like, Oh, what if he doesn’t like my body? Or, you know, more of that self-confidence, like body image issues type stuff for women? Because the reality is, is that for most women, if they’re like, you want to have sex, the average guy’s gonna go, Uh huh. Not that hard. So, of course, being confident you can get an erection when you need one for sure is men only.

But this is a big one. It’s a really, really big one for men who are struggling with erectile dysfunction. This is a huge thing that gets in the way. There are a lot of times when, you know a man really wants to have sex but is afraid that if he starts to move things in the direction of a sexual encounter, that he’s not going to be able to achieve an erection. And the last thing any guy ever wants to admit is that he can’t get an erection. So I have literally heard from many men, that they have delayed sexual encounters with women, for fear of not being able to achieve an erection. Now, I’m not even saying that they weren’t able to achieve what it was the fear that they might not be able to achieve one that prevented them from moving into a sexual encounter. And so this is a place where confidence is really important. If you don’t even have the confidence to move it into the bedroom And then you’re definitely not going to have the confidence once you’re in there.

Okay, being confident that you can last as long as you need to this is another huge one for men. By the way, I’m getting a little ahead of myself a couple of times here in this show today. I didn’t write this down. But I do want to point out that I have heard from some women when it comes. So for men, it’s the whole confidence, like, Can I get an erection? But I have heard women say that sometimes they lack confidence in whether or not they’re going to be able to get wet. And so that is something that can sometimes come up for women, that whole idea of, oh, can I really get wet enough to make this happen? And, you know, they have a lot of things associated with their ability to get wet, like he’s not, he’s gonna think that she’s not interested or there’s something wrong with her or that sort of thing. So, okay, back to being confident that you can last as long as you need to this one is absolutely huge. I would say the majority of men struggle with this one, some more so than others. But a lot a lot a lot of men struggle with Can I last as long as I need to now, I’ve talked extensively on this show about premature ejaculation.

And I just want to reiterate one more time, that Celine and I, our definition of premature ejaculation was ejaculating any time prior to when you want to, which is very different from the clinical definition of premature ejaculation, which is ejaculating in less than a minute. Now, remember, I have said this. So many times, now I’ve literally lost count, it’s probably in hundreds of the 262 episodes I’ve done, which is when they studied how long it takes the average man to ejaculate, and how long it takes the average woman to have an orgasm. One study said that it took three to five minutes like the average man lasted three to five minutes. Another study said five to seven minutes. In both of those, it was less than 10 minutes. And for women, it was 20 to 30 minutes. Personal Experience is a lot of women will take even longer than that as well. So obviously big disparity there. Hence the lack of confidence in a lot of men, like how in the world am I going to last that long, right when the average is, you know, probably about seven-ish minutes. And she’s going to need 20 to 30. So that is a big area where a lot of men struggle with sexual confidence.

Next, being confident that your sexual skills are strong, and that she will like what you do. This is an interesting one, because, you know, obviously, sex spans a realm of activities, right? It’s not just that we put my penis in your vagina, but it could be using your hands, it could be giving a great massage, it could be your kissing technique. Could be your oral sex technique. There are lots of different skills there. And one thing that I do hear some men talk about is, you know, even if they’re confident that they can last a decent amount, they often will say they feel like they’re fumbling around like they don’t know what to do with the breasts, like how do I massage about how do I touch her breasts the way that she likes or, or that sort of thing. And so while they may be confident in some areas of sexuality, there are other areas where they’re not.

And I can honestly tell you, you know, Céline had worked with a lot of people in person because she was a certified sexological bodyworker, and she could physically see people, she could physically touch them. Not that she did all that much. As far as you know, the touching, but one of the things that she did do is she would see couples together, and she would teach them practices and step them through so she could actually physically watch what they were doing. And I can’t tell you how many times she would tell me like, so yeah, I just asked him to, you know, touch her breasts. And the next thing you know, he’s over there kneading dough. Like he’s given a Swedish massage or something. And she’s just like, Ah, no, do not touch her like that. You wonder why she doesn’t want you to touch her. That’s why, right? So there are a lot of other sexual skills that a lot of men just don’t know very well. And even if they’re not physical skills, using your hands, your mouth, your penis, whatever. There are a lot of soft skills that go along with, you know, a great sexual encounter that a lot of men don’t feel confident in either they just don’t know. They just don’t know them or how to do them.

Next, being confident in your body. Now this is a big one for both men and women. And actually even more so for women. Although I do hear this a fair amount for men too. There is a misconception out there that men don’t really care that, you know, no matter what they look like, they’ll just show up. And they’re like, rockin’ the big beer belly. And, you know, whatever. That’s not necessarily true. What I hear from a lot of men is that they often are a bit insecure about their bodies as well, less so than women, but still a bit insecure about their bodies. So being confident in your body is really important. And like I said, this is generally a really big one for women. A lot of times, you know, women won’t want to take their clothes off in, you know, with lights on, they’ll want to be under the covers with the lights out. Yeah, they’re just they’re much more insecure about their bodies. So they’re lacking confidence in their physical body and their appearance.

Next, being confident that you can facilitate her orgasms. So you know, a lot of men get frustrated, you know, you’ve heard the term the elusive female orgasm. So, you know, most men that I know, talk to work with whatever genuinely want to give their women orgasms. This idea that men don’t give a shit and all they care about is their own ejaculation and their own orgasm. In my experience is generally not true. Are there some men out there like that, of course, there are. But in general, my experience has been most men genuinely want to give their women orgasms, they just do. But they don’t always feel confident that they know how to do it. And sometimes she does. Sometimes she doesn’t, they don’t really know exactly why she did this time or didn’t the time before or whatever. And so they lacked confidence in their ability to facilitate her into her orgasms.

Next, being confident that she will want to come back for more. Again, this one pertains quite a bit more to men. But I have heard this from men, many times that they go out on a date, or maybe a few dates before it gets sexual. And then they get into the realm of sex, and maybe it doesn’t go the way they want. And now they’re like she going to want to she going to wants to have sex with me again after that performance. And sometimes that’s a valid question. You know, if you really screw it up, there’s a high likelihood that she’s not going to want to do it again. Now, one thing you’ve heard me talk about on this show is something that Céline had created with a past partner, which was the idea of, you know, hey, let’s agree, if we’re going to be sexual, let’s agree that we have sex, you know, X number of times, three times, five times before you judge whether or not, you know, we’re really compatible sexually, because there’s a lot of nervousness, we need to get over and we got to kind of learn each other’s bodies, and it will get better over time, which is true. So if you haven’t already made that particular agreement, you haven’t had that talk. And you really kind of blow it the first time. I mean, I personally know women who, you know, were really into a guy, and were really turned on by a guy. And then they had that first sexual experience, and it was bad. And they were out. They were just out.

And if you’re a guy, and you’re thinking, wow, how incredibly shallow? No, it’s not because they weren’t good at it. It’s because they did certain things that really, it’s not that it wasn’t good from a pleasurable point of view. It wasn’t good from a that’s the way you treat a woman point of view. And so that spoke to them as like, oh, okay, if that’s the way he shows up in the bedroom, and it wasn’t even a performance thing. You know, most women, believe it or not, are relatively forgiving when it comes to performance. At least in the beginning, you know, if it’s a problem over and over and over again, maybe not so much, but yeah, it was more about how they showed up. So those are some areas in which sexual confidence can either show up or not show up. And I give you that list. And you know, I’m sure you can think of some more areas. Those were the ones I thought of when writing this show. But the idea is if you really want to be a truly sexually confident individual, you got to look at all these different aspects all these different areas, and go Am I really confident in those areas and if you’re not okay, what can I do to become more confident in those areas? And so a lot of times you think yeah, I’m confident Oh, okay. You’re confident you’re sexually confident. Well, the first time with you are with a woman do you feel like you can definitely last long enough? Oh, wow. I don’t know. I mean, Ain’t may be right, or, you know, well, do most of your partners have orgasms most of the time? I think they will. Maybe they do? I don’t really know. Right? So take stock, go through the list again, and see if there are any areas where you may be lacking some confidence.

Okay. So then why is sexual confidence important? Why is it important to be confident in all of those areas that we just talked about? Well, number one, if you’re not confident, you may not take the steps you need to take to make what you want happen. Right. So I kind of alluded to this, at the beginning of the show, it’s like, if you’re not confident, right, if you don’t know that you can achieve an erection and that you will likely last long enough, then you might not take the steps that you need to take in order to move that into a sexual encounter into the bedroom. And you know, there are some women that will move it in that direction, even if you’re not, but a lot of times women will be waiting for you to take some initiative to show that you’re interested to show that you’re turned on. They may not always say yes, but they do at least want to see that they want to see that you’re interested and that you desire them because women want to be desired. So yeah, if you’re not confident, you may not do the things that you actually need to do. One, you may not even ask the woman out on the date, if you’re not confident you may hesitate, and not you know, she might be over there giving you signs and signals that are indicating that she’s a yes to a potential sexual encounter.

Because that’s often how women do it. They give you signs. They don’t just come out and say, I’m really horny, and right now I can feel that I’m wet in my panties. And I think you should take me upstairs right now, take all my clothes off, go down on me for 30 minutes, and then fuck me into oblivion. That just doesn’t usually happen. Instead, she’ll give you some subtle signs and symptoms. And if you’re not confident you might overlook them. And, you might recognize them and then get even more anxious and then not do anything. So it’s important to have confidence so that you can recognize when it’s going in that direction and take the appropriate action.

Next, women can feel a lack of confidence in a man and it is a turn-off to them. This is absolutely true. So from from a, you know, from a man’s Well, I guess technically it’s from a woman’s perspective. If she senses a man is not confident is a huge turnoff. Women want confident men. Why do you think they often go for these guys that treat them like shit? The ones that are total assholes who should be all over them and take advantage of them? Well, one of the reasons this is because they show up as confident men, they’re like, yeah, baby, I’m fucking great. And you’re gonna come with me and have sex right now. Like, that’s the confidence they show up with. And that is attractive to women. Of course, that behavior doesn’t work out in the long run, and women always end up being frustrated.

And then they might bounce over to our second phase guy, which is the softy, new-agey guy who’s really sweet and really, you know, gives them all the things they want and tells them the things they want to hear and nurtures them and makes them feel wonderful, but then doesn’t take the steps to actually, you know, take them into the bedroom and give them the best sex of their lives because they are lacking the confidence and they’re afraid of being called the other guy. But women can definitely feel it and they are definitely wanting a man who is confident now, there can sometimes be a fine line between confidence and cockiness. Don’t be cocky, just be confident. All right, next, a lack of confidence can increase anxiety and therefore increase the chances of both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

So this can be a problem, which is that you’re lacking the confidence and that it’s that very lack of confidence that can contribute to your inability to get an erection or your inability to last longer. So the more confident you are, the less anxiety you’re gonna have is basically the idea there. And then very closely related to that, which is the last one on the list of why it’s important is that a lack of confidence can lead to a negative feedback loop, which is kind of what I was just describing a second ago, right, which is that you don’t have confidence and that confidence creates more anxiety. And then that anxiety creates poor sexual performance, whether it’s erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, just poor, you know Sexual, not just performance, but like the way you show up in the bedroom, you’re not being present because you’re distracted because of the anxiety or, you know, there’s lots of different things that can potentially go wrong. But those things do go wrong. And then after that encounter, you’re like, oh, man, that really didn’t go, Well, that didn’t work out for me. And then the next time you’re coming up to a sexual encounter, you have more anxiety, because of what happened the last time, and then that that just reinforces and so that’s, that’s that negative feedback loop thing, where each time just reinforces the negativity of what happened, and so on, and so on. So you don’t want to end up in that negative feedback loop. It is incredibly damaging and sometimes really hard to get out of. So if you can stay out of there to begin with, that is a good thing. And that will make it that much easier to increase your sexual confidence.

Whew, okay, that was a lot. We’re about halfway through the show. And that’s great that we’re only halfway through because that leaves me lots of time to talk about ways that you can increase your sexual confidence. But before I do that, another word from our sponsor. Hey, guys, do you know what makes a man great, you know, the kind of masculine man that women are irresistibly attracted to? Is it money, job title, his physical body, being great in bed, a big penis are great pickup lines. But what if you don’t have those are only some of them What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships are embarrassed by your bedroom skills, doubt whether you can rise to the occasion worry about lasting long enough, or are always stuck in the friendzone? And I would add, what if you are also lacking sexual confidence, then I can help you. If you are ready to make big changes and finally become the man you have always wanted to be, then this is the program for you.

To find out more, please go to KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior. That is KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior. That is my men’s sexual mastery coaching, by the way, the link is in the description. A lot of what I’m going to talk about on how do you increase sexual confidence is absolutely covered in well, basically, it’s all covered in that coaching, and then some, because as I go through these, I’m going to tell you, you know, some of them, like here’s what you need to do. But I don’t possibly have enough time in this episode, to explain to you how to do it, I’m just gonna tell you what you need to do. And the how part comes from either purchasing Power and Mastery the Sexual Mastery program or working with me as a coach or somebody else, you can work with somebody else, it doesn’t have to be me. You know, my goal when I’m creating these shows is not just to do giant promos for my work, although it is a convenient place to talk about the things that I do. It’s really to give you the knowledge and the information that you need to be able to take action, whatever that action is, so that you can improve your sex, love, and relationships. So if that includes me, great. And if it doesn’t, if there’s another path that you think will work better for you, then that’s great too. Just do something just don’t settle or compromise for poor sex life, not enough love, or dysfunctional relationships. It’s not worth it.

Okay, how do you increase your sexual confidence? This is the million-dollar question that so many people asked me. I wish it was a million-dollar question, because I answer it a lot. And I would be really wealthy. Anyway, number one on the list, take the time to learn how to be good at sex. This may sound really obvious, and yet it’s not. So what do I mean by that? Well, what I mean is, most people take sex and sexual skills for granted. And by that I mean sex is it’s a natural thing that we as humans do, and not even just us humans, but pretty much every other animal does. And because of that, we think, Oh, it’s just like walking like most people take walking for granted or another great example is breathing. People take breathing for granted. Right now. There’s a huge amount of talk out there in the world about breathing and how to breathe properly. You know, Wim Hof was a big person for getting the idea of hay, maybe you don’t know everything you need to know about breathing out there into the mainstream. There’s a book called Breath. I think it is. That’s really popular that, you know, lots of people have read. And it’s all about breathing and how we’ve sort of forgotten how to do it. Great. So that’s, that’s just a great example of something that we are born with, that we just do. That’s just a human thing that we take for granted. Why is that important? Well, because we just were literally born breathing, like we popped out of our mother’s womb, right? And somebody slapped us on the ass, and we started breathing. And that’s it like, Okay, we know how to do it like, but do we really?

And that’s the question. And the same thing can be said about sex. Do we really know how to do it? Well, if we’ve never taken the time to learn it, the answer is absolutely no. If you haven’t taken the time to at least read some books, practice with partners where you experiment and try new things and see how you could do stuff better. If you haven’t really taken the time to do that, you’re not going to be good at it. You’re certainly even if you are decent at it going to be lacking knowledge and skills that you could have if you took the time to really learn about it. There are lots of ways to learn about it. There are so many fantastic books on how to be great at Saks, I keep threatening to write one myself, based on the years of work that I’ve done, I have everything I need to do that. But honestly, that task is a little overwhelming given that I’m running everything by myself, it was something that Céline and I were going to do together, and I may still do it on my own. I have recently talked about it a little bit. But we’ll see about that.

In the meantime, there are plenty of other amazing books out there. I have a massive bookshelf full of books on sex, and some of them are really good. But that’s only one way you can watch videos, just listening to this podcast is a fantastic way to learn a whole lot about what you need to have great sex, I talk about it every time. You know, I don’t I don’t just you know, introduce topics and then say if you want more, go hire me like I give a lot as much value as I can give in these episodes. Because, you know, that’s, that’s, that’s my goal here, you know. And then if you are interested in you want to take it further, you can reach out to me, but my goal is you should walk away from every one of these episodes, having learned something that will improve your sex, love, and relationships. So yeah, listening to the podcast is great watching my YouTube videos or other people’s YouTube videos, talking with people hiring a coach, there’s like, there’s so many ways that you can learn how to be good at sex. Take the time, if you want to have great sex, take the time to learn how to really do it. Well. Okay, next.

Oh, by the way, let me just comment and say why does that help increase your confidence? Because the better you are at anything the more confident you are. Right? If let’s say you just learned how to drive you get in the car I used super confident in the car. Like you get out on the freeway for the first time, you know, with you know, 18-wheelers buzzing by you and motorcycles weaving in and out of traffic. Do you feel confident in that situation? No, you’re like hanging on to the wheel for dear life. And you’re like, oh my god, this is crazy, right? But once you’ve been driving for a while and you’ve gotten good at it, then you’re super confident, then you’re like cutting the 18-wheelers off and you know, weaving in and out of traffic and doing whatever you need to do to drive defensively. So yeah, if you get good at something, you will be a whole lot more confident in your ability. Now, I have of course known some people who were really great at something that they did who still lacked confidence. So it’s not a guarantee, but it will definitely set you off in the right direction. Because if you’re lacking the skills, then you’re probably going to be lacking the confidence as well. If you have the skills, you have a much better chance of feeling confident.

Okay, next, you must learn to separate your orgasm and ejaculation. Okay, this obviously is primarily geared toward men, and it’s an absolute must. There is no way you’re showing up really confidently to a sexual encounter if you cannot control your ejaculation. That’s just not you’re gonna go into every encounter guy. I hope I can control it. I hope I can control it and you’ll spend the entire encounter just trying to hang on and control it. If you’re a guy and you want to have great sex, I just can’t stress enough how important is to learn how to control your ejaculation. This is why we created Master Your Ejaculation. And why we called it, Master Your Ejaculation. Because we wanted you to be able to master the ability to control it. So it’s super, super important. And of course, separating orgasm and ejaculation, which are two separate things, which I’ve talked about many times on this show. If you’re not aware of that, you can go back and find one of the many, many episodes where I have talked about that. But yeah, it is a critical piece to being able to show up confidently to a sexual encounter.

Next, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, you just got to do something a lot. You can read all the books you want, you can have all the conversations you want, and you can watch all the videos you want, but until you’ve actually done it, are you really confident that you’re going to know how to do it? Probably not. And if you do have a bunch of confidence just from doing that, it’s probably misplaced confidence, because you don’t really know until you actually do it. So you just got to practice, you really have to get out there and just practice. And if you don’t have somebody to practice with, then you need to practice on your own. This is a common question I get all the time for men is like, Well, I would like to work with you, I’d like to take your online courses, but I don’t have anybody right now that I can do this with so it’s not worth doing. No, that is absolutely not true. What you want to do is practice now on your own. And there are techniques to do that, which I teach you in both the online courses and the coaching. One of which is what we call the mindful masturbation practice, which literally is a practice for helping you increase your ability to master your ejaculation to separate your orgasm from ejaculation, to be able to really show up knowing that your penis is going to work the way you want it to.

So you should always be practicing, you should be practicing whether you’re with somebody or whether you’re not with somebody. Next on the list, celebrate the small wins on the way to mastery, this is really important if you want to, if you really want to be like supremely confident in your abilities, you got to get there little by little, and you’ve got to celebrate the wins along the way. So what do I mean by that? Well, let’s say your goal is to be able to last 30 minutes because you’re like, okay, it takes within 2030 minutes, I gotta at least get to 30 minutes, that’s a pretty big goal for the average man considering the average man’s at about seven. So let’s say you’re doing practice, either by yourself or with your partner. And you’re making it to like 15 minutes. And now you’re like, Damn, I’m still only halfway there, I’m so far away from 30 minutes, this is taking forever, I’m never going to get there, yada, yada, yada, that’s not going to help, you need to celebrate the small wins, you need to say, hey, you know what I was, you know, seven minutes before now I’m 15, I’ve more than doubled how long I can last. celebrate the wins, it’s really, really important. Because gradually, if you keep reminding yourself of the progress you’re making, and the wins all along the way, every one of those is going to build your confidence up a little higher, a little higher. It’s just one more building block in that in that, you know, ladder to confidence. So it’s important that you celebrate the small wins.

Know what you need to make the encounter. Great. Okay, this is important. Too many people go into a sexual encounter. And they’re just like, well, it just kind of happened this way. Like, we just happened to be here in this location. And we just it just happened to be this way that way or the other way. And I say, okay, yeah, that can happen. But set yourself up for success. Do the things that you need in order to make it a great sexual encounter. And this one definitely goes for both men and women. So women if you know you need a certain thing, you need to be you need the lighting a certain way you need the temperature to be a certain way you need whatever it is set yourself up, create that environment and if he’s not stepping up and creating it for you, then either ask him to or create it for yourself. And for guys, it’s the same thing. It’s like if you know you’re struggling a little bit with you know, say getting an erection or you know, controlling your ejaculation, set the situation up such that it will make it easier for you Um, so make sure that up beforehand, right so that you’re not holding tension, you know, make sure that maybe you do a connection practice in the beginning to sort of break the tension and relax a little bit. Whatever it is you need to do, you know, control the temperature in the room, like, don’t just let things happen to you take control and create them to the best of your ability to set yourself up for success. And the only way you can really do that is if you know what you need. So you have to know what you need.

So if you go into an encounter, saying, Okay, here’s what I need, I need to make sure that I have emptied my bladder, I need to make sure that it’s warm in the room, I need to make sure that we start slow, or I need to make sure that we do a certain amount of foreplay before whatever it is that you need, know what you need, and then take steps to make it happen. Otherwise, you’re just going to be like, you know, sort of fumbling around and trying to make the best with what you got. And, you know, sometimes that might happen. And really, there’s a whole lot that you can do to make that work better for you. Okay, so then, of course, that goes nicely with the next one, which is to communicate where you are at and what you need. So you know what you need, right? Now you’re going to take steps to make it happen. And you’re going to communicate to that to your partner. So maybe your partner and I’m gonna say, speaking from the point of view of a man, right, and maybe your partner really wants to give you a blowjob.

But you know that if she goes down on you and gives you an amazing blow job, that you’re likely going to ejaculate, and then you’re going to have a refractory period, and you’re not going to be able to achieve interaction in a timely fashion again after that, and therefore you won’t be able to have actual sex, what you need to communicate with her and say, Okay, here’s what I need. I know that we want to have penetrative sex, I want to be able to last long enough, I’m okay if you go down on me, but just go slow. Just do it for a few minutes. And then I’d like to switch to something else so that my excitement level doesn’t get too high. Right? Simple things like that can make a huge difference in your ability to perform. But you got to know what you need. And you’ve got to communicate it. The same thing goes for women. You know, a classic one, like I mentioned earlier, that women often worry about is am I going to get wet enough? Well, okay, know what you need, you know that you need a certain amount of foreplay in order to get wet enough. So ask for it. If he wants to go straight for penetration, just say, I’m not ready yet. And can we do this instead? Or, hey, you know what, I’m going to need a little extra lube. Do you have any lube or I have some lube right here? Can you please use it right? Just communicate where you’re at and what you need. Next, ask your partner for positive feedback. This kind of goes along, I should have put it next to celebrate the small wins. But the idea is, you know, ask your partner for some positive feedback. If you’re if the communication between the two of you around sex isn’t that great.

You may not be getting the feedback, you need to feel really confident. In other words, you may think that you didn’t do really a great job and that she wasn’t satisfied. Whereas on the other end, she might be thinking that was pretty good. And I feel pretty satisfied by it. But you don’t know because neither of you are communicating about it. So what you want to do is ask for positive feedback. And I say positive because in this case, you’re trying to build your confidence. And so you’re not looking for constructive criticism. You’re not looking for your partner to tell you what you did wrong and how you could do better. In this case, what you want is your partner to simply tell you, where did it work? Where were the things that she liked that worked for her that she would like to either see more of or that she feels that you’ve improved on and she’s happy about it? And then even if they’re little things, even if they’re little things don’t go Oh, that’s it? That’s all? Well, that must mean everything else was shit. And don’t approach it from that attitude. Just go Okay, great. All right. So that worked for her or she really liked that or that was a positive improvement over the last time and then take it as a small win, put it down on the scoreboard, and use it to build your confidence.

Alright, next, learn some mindset practices mindset is absolutely huge. When we’re talking about confidence, we’re actually talking about mindset. It’s all it’s really all up here. I mean, there are people with zero skills that are supremely confident. And there are people with massive skills that have no confidence whatsoever. So if it was purely about the skill, then obviously everybody that had good skill would be confident and that’s just not the case or people who had no skill wouldn’t be confident. That’s just not the case. So we’re really talking about what’s going on in your mind. Now, why do we talk about improving your skills a lot? Well, because if you do improve your skills, the likelihood of you being confident about the fact that you do have skills is much, much higher. But you do need to work on your mind. Also, you really need to work on some mindset practices. Now, there are some mindset practices that I teach that I like that I think work well when it comes to, you know, the realm of sexuality. But anything, anything that helps you create a certain state or a certain mindset that you want to create is good, then there are tons of people out there that do it. Obviously, one of the most famous examples is Tony Robbins. Tony Robbins’ stuff is all mindset stuff, right? And shifting your mindset. And when your mindset shifts, then you see your circumstances shift.

So do whatever it is you got to do, to get in the mindset of mastery and confidence. And again, there’s lots of ways to do that. Some of which I do teach in the Power And Mastery program. And also, I teach some of it in my coaching. But the point is, you got to work on it, you can’t just leave the mind out and only focus on the physical, you can’t just leave the physical out and only focus on the mind, there really is no separating the two. Next, learn some visualization practices, this is very similar. Visualization isn’t quite the same as mindset, which is why I separated it out into two and why I teach it as two separate things when I coach clients. mindset is that whole idea of you know, the confidence and how do you step into that state? How do you feel that within yourself, whereas visualization is more about using the process of visualization in order to create that confidence? So I was actually just going over this with a client a few days ago, and how they use this in the US Olympic program. And how they had, they did a study where they had athletes. They hooked him up to brainwave scanning machines, they had athletes run through their event in their mind, and then they tracked the brainwaves, then they had them actually run the event with the monitors still on. And then they watched the brainwaves. And they saw that the same centers of the brain fired in the same way that they did when they were just imagining it as they did when they actually ran it right. And so from that, they just realized that if they could get people to visualize running the event the exact way they want to write with, with the time they want or in the way they want, that they could start to create positive patterns in the brain that would then be replicated in the physical.

So that’s the idea behind that. And so yeah, it’s another piece that I teach the visualization practices on how we can create positive patterns in our brain through using visualization. So it’s a great tool to have in your toolbox. Let’s see next, get into good physical shape. You know, if body image is a problem for you, yes, you can work on that mentally. But at some point, you’ve got to get your body at least to the point where you know you look in the mirror and you feel good about it. Now, if you have body dysmorphia, that’s different that is a psychological condition that really needs to be worked out psychologically, because people who experience that look in the mirror, and they see a perfectly healthy body and it looks terrible to them. Or sometimes they’ll see a really unhealthy body. And it looks great to them. Right. So that aside, the average person needs to look in the mirror and like at least a reasonable amount, of what they see. So getting in good physical shape, you know, it’s a simple fact that if you like the way you look naked, you’re gonna want to be naked more often. It’s just that simple. People who don’t like the way their body looks want to keep their clothes on all the time.

So it’s definitely important for confidence to feel confident about the way you look. But good physical shape isn’t just about the way you look. It’s also about the way your body performs. These bodies are physical, and there’s a physical performance aspect. And our health is directly related to our physical performance. So if our body is really unhealthy and out of shape physically, we can’t expect to show up physically performing at its best, we just can’t. So yeah, your physical shape is about having confidence in your appearance, but also confidence that your body’s going to function properly. And that’s really important. Next is getting in good mental shape. We’ve kind of already talked about that a little bit but just to talk about it again, yeah, you got it, you got to make sure that your mind is in order that your, your mental house is clean and functioning properly. So that you can pair that with a properly physically functioning body. And that’s really how everything is going to perform best. And again, the better you perform, the more confidence you’re going to have. So, you know, how do you? How do you get it? Well, let’s step back even further. What are some mindset practices? One of those could be a whole show in and of itself. What are some visualization practices? Again, that’s a whole other thing that would take a lot of time, how do you get in good physical shape? I could do months’ worth of shows on that one? How do you get good mental shape, same thing with that, too. So you know, there’s no way in this episode, I can really tell you how to do every one of those things, I just need you to know that these things are important to increasing your confidence.

Okay, just a couple more things real quick here. And then we’ll wrap up. Next channel other areas in your life where you are confident in your sex life. So this is a big one, which is this, this is kind of part of the sort of mental shape and some of the things that some of the practices that we can potentially learn. But the idea is, most people are confident in some part of their life, it’s pretty rare that somebody just has no confidence anywhere in anything. Most people can find something that they’re good enough at that they have confidence in it. So the idea is to feel what that’s like, and then try to replicate that feeling in other areas of your life, there are some specific practices for how to do that, but again, I don’t have time to go into them. But the idea is, hey, find an area in your life where you are confident, and then try to channel that confidence into other areas of your life. Work with a coach. I mean, there’s so much that we can work on when it comes to how to increase your confidence, I’ve given you a whole bunch of things right here in this list, you can certainly go out and research each one of them on your own and try to figure it out. Or you can work with somebody that already knows how to do it, and can shortcut the learning process by a lot. So I highly suggest that you do that. But you can always work on it on your own as well if you want to.

Okay, and lastly, own it, own it. If you’ve done all of the above things, just own it, just give yourself and allow yourself to really own it, right? And that’s the thing is sometimes people don’t do that they have all of these things, but for whatever reason, they’re not allowing themselves to really own it, to like to really step into it and to really believe it themselves. So you got to do that, you know, once you’ve done the work, and you know that you’ve done the work, you just got to own it at that point. Now, I’m not suggesting you go out and do what I did, which is tell the next woman you’re about to have sex with that you’re really great in bed. Don’t suggest that, but only in your mind. And that’s when you’re really going to feel confident you’ve done the work, you’ve put in the time you’ve put in the effort, you know, you can do it. And then you just got to own it, you got to live it, you got to be it. Who Yeah, that is gotta give a truth bomb on that one.

Because you can do all the work. But if you don’t own it, if you don’t really live it every day, as part of who you are, if you don’t integrate it into part of who you are, then you’re never going to get the benefit out of it that you could be getting. So there you go, that is how to increase your sexual confidence. There is a ton there that you could work on. And just remember it is a process. It’s not something that happens overnight, it takes time. And our confidence will still waver from time to time, maybe we’re going through a stressful period of life, or maybe we’ve had some physical challenges, whatever it is, it’s okay, just keep working on it. There will be times when you’re way more confident than others. And if you’re in one of those times where you’re not as confident just keep doing the work, you will get there again, this idea that we build up in life to a certain point and once we get there, that’s it, we’re there and you know, it’s just it just doesn’t work like that. Sometimes we get there and we fall back down again and we get up and we get up there again. So alright, I hope that was helpful. That’s all I have for this episode and I will see you next week.

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Céline Remy 1:00:03
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. That’s kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 1:00:17
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 1:00:19
And remember, you’re amazing!