How To Fix Your Communication Issues In Relationships

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy. And we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 117 is titled How to fix your communication issues in relationships. This is going to be a great subject because we talk about communication all the time, it is literally one of the most essential skills that you can have in a relationship.

Kevin Anthony 0:50
And of course, I would say in life in general, but we will be getting to that with our special guest that we have today because he’s going to hopefully show us some parallels between not only the communication in your relationship but the rest of your life. So I think this is just such an important topic that is absolutely worth revisiting again and again. And again.

Céline Remy 1:10
Yeah, I’m looking forward to having another opinion. So before we introduce our special guest today, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men.

Céline Remy 1:30
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Céline Remy 1:40
So today, we have Brenden Kumarasamy. He is the founder of master talk a YouTube channel, he started to help the world master the art of public speaking and communication. He coaches purpose-driven entrepreneurs on how to master their message and share their ideas with the world. So welcome, Brenden.

Brenden Kumarasamy 2:02
Course. Thanks for having me. It’s

Céline Remy 2:05
A pleasure.

Kevin Anthony 2:06
All right, we’re just gonna dive right in. Because I think there’s a lot of misconceptions about communication. And I think there are a lot of people that well, one, they don’t have the skills and two, I think sometimes they have the wrong skills. So like, I really want to dive in there and like dissect it and get down to the nitty-gritty.

Kevin Anthony 2:27
So the first question we have is, Have you always been good at communicating? Or is this something that you practiced to get good at?

Brenden Kumarasamy 2:38
That’s a great way of starting the conversation. You’re absolutely right, I sucked for most of my life, that’s totally accurate. So I’ll give you a small context. So I grew up in a city called Montreal, Canada. And for those that don’t know, Montreal is one of the few cities in the world where you need to know to speak multiple languages. So my parents immigrated from Sri Lanka.

Brenden Kumarasamy 2:57
I was born and raised here. But I didn’t know French, where most people were fluent in, my parents looked at me when I was five. And they said, well, buddy, you got to learn the language. So we’re gonna throw you to a French education system. But I didn’t know a single word of it. So not only was I using hands sign language to talk to all the other kids who were in, you know, kindergarten, grade one.

Brenden Kumarasamy 3:18
But when it came to presentations, not only was it uncomfortable with that, too, but I had to present in a language I didn’t know. So that was standing up there as a seven-year-old or as a 10-year-old, look at the class and just go bond tour. And it wasn’t a fun time. So I had a lot of trouble growing up and, you know, making friends with people I didn’t understand.

Brenden Kumarasamy 3:42
And so definitely, it was a challenge for most of them then after, whereas I worked on it a lot. And it became what it is today.

Kevin Anthony 3:49
Yeah, so you know, the reason I wanted to ask that question is that I think when it comes to relationships, there are certain skills that people really just take for granted. In other words, they don’t practice them. They just go, Yeah, I know how to talk. I know what I’m saying. Like, you should know what I mean. I’m being clear. Right? You know, and, and I just don’t see that as being actually the case.

Kevin Anthony 4:11
Most people are terrible at communication. That doesn’t mean that they can’t speak, you know, it doesn’t mean that they can’t get out a clear sentence. But the actual communication of the ideas, which is the important part, right, there’s the words that you say, and then there’s Did you convey what you actually wanted to convey? And I think a lot of people kind of take that part for granted.

Kevin Anthony 4:33
And so I wanted to lead with that question to let people know, this is a learned skill. This is something you have to work at, this is something that you have to try to learn, you know, techniques and strategies to really be good because most of us really weren’t taught how to be good.

Céline Remy 4:51
That’s true. You know, I have the opposite view. So I grew up speaking French and then I learned how to speak English and so What’s fascinating is, you know, you get to really master language once you’re able to express your feelings, ideas beyond just Where’s the bathroom, basically.

Céline Remy 5:10
And. And so I think like, it’s fascinating that it does help to be able to speak multiple languages to create different pathways in your brain to understand how to communicate differently. Now, our listeners may not all be bilingual, because most people in America aren’t.

Céline Remy 5:32
What I’m curious about is really, in terms of like, do you think there is a difference between communicating on your job or like things you do like for your like, what you get paid for versus in your relationship?

Brenden Kumarasamy 5:48
Absolutely. I think that’s a beautiful question. So then you’re right, in the sense that communication at a high level seems very simple, we can just go Yeah, I know how to talk. But communication and its form, take different types of ways, depending on what conversation you’re having. So if we’re all having dinner, together, we’re meeting for the first time, that type of way of communicating is going to be different if we’ve been friends for five years.

Brenden Kumarasamy 6:13
So if it’s the first dinner, but I’m, I’m a bit aggressive, or, you know, I’m too direct, you’re gonna say, Wow, this guy is like really aggressive. But if we’ve been friends for five years, you’re gonna, you’re gonna see it as normal behavior. So even in that small context of the exact same dinner, just because of the factor of time, the way we interpret the exact same words are completely different.

Brenden Kumarasamy 6:37
And if we use the job versus the relationship, the example you just gave, when we’re at work, there’s a very different set of expectations in rules than in an intimate relationship. Because in a job, you might think to yourself, Well, I just want to make sure I don’t say anything offensive, so I can keep getting promoted. So I’m not actually going to say what I think, like if, for example, if you’re working with someone, and that boss comes up to us and says, Well, you need to do this.

Brenden Kumarasamy 7:04
And we think it’s a bad idea. We don’t care, we just, we’re just gonna do it. Right. So it’s not the same lines that you can’t really cross you can’t really talk about, well, I guess a lot of the topics, you talk about work. But I guess the difference in a relationship that I find fascinating, especially in the romantic context, is you’re with that person all the time, it’s actually the complete opposite.

Brenden Kumarasamy 7:29
So even the same relationship you would have with a mother or a sister, it’s that on steroids, because you’re not just talking to them, you’re engaging in other activities with them from traveling to you know, what all the other things. So in that way, radical transparency is almost essential in that type of environment where you have to pretty much tell everything.

Brenden Kumarasamy 7:50
Because if you say one thing that’s out of context, and you make one mistake, it’s going to be shown in a completely different light rez with your work or with your intimate family members. There are some things you just don’t need to talk about. They never come up. So it doesn’t ever damage the relationship, like your sex life. You don’t talk about that. Right? So so those are the things that come to mind.

Kevin Anthony 8:10
I love that term, radical transparency. I know you keyed in on it, too, because absolutely, we 100% agree with the fact that if you really want to have a successful relationship, you’ve got to have radical transparency.

Céline Remy 8:26
So a lot of people actually tell you no, and like psychologist or therapist, they say, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, or don’t tell if you’re not being asked. And it’s some of the advice that they give people about, like, well actually withhold things. And that’s something that has been puzzling me for a lot of time.

Céline Remy 8:45
Because in our relationship, Kevin and I, we literally have this total transparency, radical transparency, and honesty. And I do believe that’s what makes us so successful at being in love with each other. And I’m curious, Brenden, about your own opinion. Like, do you fake? Really, you should tell everything? Or do you think you should withhold things in an intimate relationship?

Brenden Kumarasamy 9:13
That’s super interesting. You too, so. So let’s break this down from kind of more of a context, we kind of understand why that is. So let’s say we’re going to work with somebody. Right? So let’s say See, all of let’s say we all work in the same company. And we’re doing nine to five. Sure I’m working with you all, but chances are, one of us is going to leave the company in two to three years, you know, some of us can like get promoted, some of us might have been switched departments.

Brenden Kumarasamy 9:36
So the incentive system in place tells us to play it safe, be friends, but don’t get too intimate with them, because you’re not going to see them and the risk is too high to tell everything. Right? So that so it’s not necessarily because the way we’re interacting is wrong. It’s because the incentive system behind that relationship tells us to do that.

Brenden Kumarasamy 9:55
You know, if if I’m only going to see somebody once, you know, it’s this whole This is a good analogy, you know, You always tell strangers everything about your life. In the same way, you would never say that to your mother. Is that so?

Brenden Kumarasamy 10:07
Why do we do that? We do that because the chances of us meeting them again, is almost zero, right? So if I see someone randomly, I don’t, I’m traveling to Europe, and I’m there in France, let’s say for a day and I meet some random stranger, we get very vulnerable and intimate very quickly with that person. Because we know chances are, we’ll never see them again. Or their mother or father or families, we can’t do that.

Brenden Kumarasamy 10:35
Or it’s just certain that we want to, we don’t, because if they take it the wrong way, we can’t get out of that release. But now the concept of intimate relationship, the incentive system is different. Because now since you’re going to spend a long time together, assuming you want to be in a long-term, monogamous relationship, or polyamorous depending on what the situation is, you probably want to be with them for a long time.

Brenden Kumarasamy 10:57
And if you want to bear children with them, that’s even going to be longer. So what happens is, when you don’t share those little crooks or those little things that bother you, like, Kevin, why did you put the toothpaste on the left instead of the right, what happens is, those things start to accumulate over the span of several months or several years until you explode over something that has nothing to do with what’s actually happening.

Brenden Kumarasamy 11:21
Rest in a work setting, that would never happen because you don’t interact with them enough times anyways. So let’s say you’re like a year into the relationship and you keep being bothered about the toothpaste, but you never say anything. Right? You implode over something like didn’t do the dishes and you start yelling, you’re like what’s happening? Right? Either?

Brenden Kumarasamy 11:36
Or have you looked at him, anybody with particular? So it’s understanding the incentive system behind the relationship. So in other words, what I’m trying to say, we need to be radically transparent, our romantic relationships, I would even argue the same thing in our business partnerships, long-term ones, and very, very intimate friendships.

Brenden Kumarasamy 11:55
So there are six people in my life that I’ve known for five years. Plus, I tell them everything. But I don’t say that to everyone else. But I agree, we’re on the same page. Absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 12:05
Great. You know, I, one of the things that were coming up, we were talking about the difference between a business setting and whether or not you’ll ever see those people again. And I totally agree with that, I get that whole dynamic. I will also say this from my personal experience. So I had a co-worker who had the office across from me for many years when I worked in corporate, and it was a woman.

Kevin Anthony 12:28
And she had I think two kids, three kids, I can’t remember she was married to another guy that actually worked in the company. But because our offices were across from each other, we could hear each other’s conversations all the time when we’re on the phone, right? So we became very friendly. And she actually had a situation where she ended up becoming pregnant for the third or fourth time. And she wasn’t particularly happy about it.

Kevin Anthony 12:49
Because it wasn’t planned. And she was actually hoping to stop working. And have him be the sole provider so that she could then continue to raise the kids. But having another mouth to feed, she realized she wasn’t going to be able to stop working. Because they needed the income. So no, we became close. We had a really deep conversation one day about it.

Kevin Anthony 13:10
Like she asked me to come into her office, like close the door, and just basically coached her on like how to deal with this situation. So we can’t, we became somewhat close and we confide in each other a bit, which was always kind of a no for me. But anyway, fast forward.

Kevin Anthony 13:26
Two years later, she ends up becoming my boss. Several bosses had left and she had seniority, she ends up as the boss of the unit. And then a lot of the things that we can find it in each other with started getting thrown back at me, and one of which she even wrote in my performance review. So

Brenden Kumarasamy 13:49
Oh, wow, sorry to hear that Kevin.

Kevin Anthony 13:51
Be careful what you say to people that you work with!

Brenden Kumarasamy 13:56
Oh, my goodness. Yeah.

Kevin Anthony 13:58
interesting situation. Anyway.

Céline Remy 14:01
You know, I was reading something this weekend around and it’s not exactly what we are talking about with communication. But I want to bring this up around people cheating that an affair starts way before the moment you actually share the kiss or the sex or whatever happens in there. And that person was talking about and I really don’t remember the name of the therapist who brought this together, but she was talking about how your relationship has doors and windows.

Céline Remy 14:29
That the affair starts the moment that you willing to open a door and a window to another person. And in doing so, you often create a wall between your partner and the real current relationship. And that new friend you’re creating and for her, she said that’s when the affair starts is when you start to share intimacy with somebody in ways that you no longer doing with your partner.

Céline Remy 14:53
So in what you’re bringing in terms of communication, it’s actually essential to be able to have this radical transparency and even. And that’s what we do. If we notice we haven’t had enough sex, we bring it up, we don’t just wait. If somebody is like something is happening, we named the elephant in the room, we don’t just pretend it as it happened.

Céline Remy 15:14
And I believe that’s really what you’re talking about Brenden in terms of like bringing those things app and even if it’s fertile. And it’s like that little like, toothpaste example that you gave, it’s enough that it should be mentioned, or finding a solution and bringing this up. Otherwise, you are really going to create a problem down the road.

Brenden Kumarasamy 15:34
Right, and just a bill. And that was amazing. I love that interjection Celine. So and one thing that would love to talk about on that note, is this idea of fighting over the small things, helps you as a couple or in any relationship, but in this context with this podcast, when you fight over the big things.

Brenden Kumarasamy 15:51
So if you go back to Kevin’s example, with the wife was pregnant with the fourth kid with the husband, the issue is now there are so many small things now that she doesn’t feel comfortable just going up to him and saying, Hey, I really want to be at home all the time. Like it’s, it seems like it sounds mind-boggling to me.

Brenden Kumarasamy 16:11
That conversation was not even had like five years ago before they even got married. Hey, by the way, sweetie, let’s forget the tooth basically, do you actually want to work for the rest of you? Like, it’s, that’s crazy. But what does happens back to the toothpaste example, is when you’re practicing a small thing. So let’s say like, you know, Kevin, Céline, let’s say, you know, Kevin forgets the tooth, let’s blame it on the guy.

Brenden Kumarasamy 16:37
And then, and then you go up to Kevin, you’re not gonna be frustrated if you just gonna say, Hey, sweetie, could you just move the toothpaste? And if you go, yes, sure. But when there’s something big, let’s say you want to stay home, let’s do it. Same situation. You won’t go up to me go like, Hey, this is what I’m feeling. You’re yelling at him. You’re just like, Oh, no, but Kevin handled the toothpaste just fine.

Brenden Kumarasamy 16:55
So I’m just going to talk to him. And it’s going to be much easier to navigate that conversation. But if you never had the toothpaste conversation, you never argued over anything over six months, there was no conflict resolution at all, you both won’t know how to handle the situation. And when you talk about the big things, things explode really quickly.

Kevin Anthony 17:14
Yeah, that’s, that is a great point to bring up, which is if you’re not communicating about the little things on a regular basis, you’re never going to be able to truly communicate about the big things that is huge that I really hope people listening, kind of take that bit home with them. Because that really is so true.

Céline Remy 17:32
So if we want to bring it back to how to fix the issues in communication in your relationships, does it mean that they have to start with the little thing, if they waited too long, right? And now it’s like there’s a lot of things that have been piled up and there’s that resentment? Or, like, what do they do? Really?

Brenden Kumarasamy 17:53
Right? That’s a great question. So that we’re in a hell of a tangle. Now, how are we supposed to unravel this? So there’s a couple of things and I’ll use, I’ll use a relationship with my sister as an example. So so we haven’t argued in 12 years, as if this recording 12 years, we’ve never yelled at each other. Why is that?

Brenden Kumarasamy 18:10
Because whenever there’s a small thing, we always bring it up, we nip it right away. And then we just have dance parties that are home. And that’s it, like in life is easy. So how do I bring that type of relationship into the way that we interact with each other romantically? So there’s a couple of things. The first thing though, is if you’re listening to this podcast right now, I give you the role of being that leader, because one person in the relationship needs to take leadership.

Brenden Kumarasamy 18:34
And if you’re the person listening, you need to be doing that, or else nothing is going to get done. So what does being the leader mean? It doesn’t mean being an alpha or being a beta or any of those things. It means taking the first step to understanding the other person. So instead of waiting for the other person, you would sit down and start having a conversation with them. So what does that mean?

Brenden Kumarasamy 18:55
A couple of things once again. So, I would start by mirroring your energy effectively. So when we’re having that toothpaste conversation, if I tell you that there’s something wrong with the toothpaste, and notice I’m saying the same thing, but it doesn’t come off really well. Or instead, if I said, Hey, you know, this toothpaste I know, it’s not a big deal or anything, but I just don’t really like that it’s on the left. Do you mind moving on the right, notice how my vocal tones changed completely?

Brenden Kumarasamy 19:18
This is a technique speakers use to mirror the energy of the other person. I’ll give you another example. Since more concrete whenever on a podcast, right? If the host starts the show and goes, Brenda, we’re so excited to have you here. Now, this can be great. I mirror the energy, I go mad. This is amazing. I’m so great to be here. But the opposite is also true. Hey, Brenden, Kevin, Céline. Here, how are you? You know, it’s very, it’s pretty, like you know, soft.

Brenden Kumarasamy 19:45
So I mirror that same energy. Whereas if I started really loud, you’d be like, Whoa, you would still like me, because you’re like relationship experts. But it would be much harder for you to build a rapport with me. So my advice is to start with that. Start by mirroring the other person, if your partner is an introvert be a lot more, you know, lower your vocal tones a bit more.

Brenden Kumarasamy 20:05
The other thing that I would say is to ask more open-ended questions rather than closed-ended ones. Because the only way to build trust really quickly with somebody and understand what the other person is saying, is by understanding the full thought process for looking at both you and I just go, do you like oranges? You can either answer yes or no.

Brenden Kumarasamy 20:24
But if I instead ask, what is it about oranges that fascinate you, you’re going to add a completely new layer to the conversation that didn’t exist before. So you as the leader who’s listening to this podcast, I encourage you to ask more open-ended questions about your partner not just about the issues, but about the relationship, etc.

Céline Remy 20:42
So how do you deal with one of the people let’s say you show up and you’re the leader here, but your partner is really upset. So you’re not going to come to them mirroring that energy? Because you don’t want to be like, the upset, I’m going to show being upset because it’s really going to make a clusterfuck to Right,

Brenden Kumarasamy 21:00
right. That’s absolutely true. I think I might have rephrased that. Let me rephrase. So So what I mean by that is mirroring the energy of who they authentically are most of the time. So let’s say outside of I don’t know, outside of that specific moment that you outlined.

Brenden Kumarasamy 21:15
They’re generally very calm people. Let’s say someone is a very introverted man or woman. That’s what I meant by very good. But you’re absolutely right. It defusing conversation, you definitely want to do the opposite. Absolutely.

Céline Remy 21:27
Yeah, a photo is an important point, because I do see a lot of people falling for that. So Kevin, and I have been together for just about five years. And we also never have had a fight like we don’t fight, but we talk about things. And it’s not like we don’t disagree on things. But we’re very polite. We’re things where we’re like, Okay, well, this is my opinion. And the thing is that you have to remember, just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to be the same on everything.

Céline Remy 21:52
Because you view something definitely doesn’t mean that you can’t have love. I mean, you can hold an opinion and the other person can hold a different opinion. And you can also learn from the other person’s perspective. And I think that was one of the biggest shifts. For me, that worked, where I stopped seeing Kevin as being the person who always wanted to do something that was the opposite of me. I mean, luckily, we do things very similarly.

Céline Remy 22:16
But I started to view his suggestions as to something interesting, that would be worthwhile because his life is going well. He’s an intelligent being, and he’s smart. So maybe he’s thinking about something that I haven’t yet fought off. And maybe it could make my life easier.

Céline Remy 22:32
And I’ve noticed over the years, I’ve really stopped fighting you like not that I was fighting, but sometimes I was resisting a lot of things a better word. Yes. And now I literally go like, Yeah, you’ve pretty much always right, so I’m just gonna do as you said,

Kevin Anthony 22:48
you know, what I love about that is that, and this is just partly my personality, but because I’m, I’m relatively intellectual, I think about everything. Like, it’s, I can’t even stop thinking about stuff, you know. So if I’m suggesting something to you, it’s already because, in my mind, I’ve worked out 35 scenarios for how that could work. It doesn’t mean that I’m always going to be right. But it means that I’ve given it some significant thought.

Kevin Anthony 23:13
And one of the things that I love is that you, you have learned to appreciate that I’ve given it thought and you’re willing to give it some thought to see Am I right? Or am I just full of shit? I appreciate that. So I want to go there’s, there’s one more thing I really want to talk about, as we’re kind of getting longish in the podcast, which is a problem that I have seen a lot, not only in my own relationships but in the outside world.

Kevin Anthony 23:41
And I was hoping that you could maybe talk a little bit about it. What it is, is you have two people who are having a discussion, and they’re talking about the same thing, or so they think, but they haven’t actually defined what those things are.  I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking about.

Kevin Anthony 23:58
So I did some NLP training a few years back, and my NLP teacher was telling a story about how he was actually called into this group of like generals and high-level people in the government because they were having this conflict that they couldn’t resolve.

Kevin Anthony 24:14
It was all around what a particular military strategy would be. And so he’s listening to this general and that general and all these big egos in the room talking about stuff. He’s not really totally understanding exactly what the disagreement here is. So he decided to ask some clarifying questions. He said, Okay, hold on a minute. He asked the one general, what is your definition of the word peace?

Kevin Anthony 24:38
And that general says, Well, no more war and we pull out and there’s no bombing. Okay. All right. Great. Yes. The other guy, what is your definition of peace? And the other guy says, Well, we bombed them into the third world, of course. Right. And so you could see the reason why they could they both were trying to achieve peace. But they both had to complete definitions of what piece actually is.

Kevin Anthony 25:06
And so my question to you is, you know, how how do you? How do you figure that out? Like, if you’re having a conversation with someone, how do you figure out that? And then how do you solve it?

Brenden Kumarasamy 25:15
Yeah, no, it’s a great question. I love the story. But it’s a very different tip, this is a piece. So the way that I see this in romantic relationships, specifically, is this idea of defining the right language that is used a lot. And that causes a lot of tension. So I’ll give an example with Tom Billy’s relation with his wife, Lisa, Bill, you.

Brenden Kumarasamy 25:36
So they have this word that is used a lot in relationships called important. Hey, Kevin, this is important, right? Or hey, silly. This is important, right? So that word, in particular, means very different things to very different people. So like, my interpretation of important is, I need to do it, but I don’t need to do it now. Okay, I can do it. Like next week, it’s gonna be on my list of things to do. Whereas for somebody else, let’s say I don’t know.

Céline Remy 26:03
Mine definition is like, it has to happen now.

Brenden Kumarasamy 26:07
There you go. So we already hate each other. That’s just a joke. But so what’s so just from that one interaction means to the end just had just in that Microsoft, we realized that that’s one of many words that we’re going to disagree with, in the same way, yourself, Kevin and sit in have probably had that conversation over what 75 different words or something?

Brenden Kumarasamy 26:32
So So in my opinion, I think what how you can figure out which words to work on is you as you have more, this is something we didn’t talk about that we should that you probably have talked about a lot is Matt, Matt, couldn’t mandatory a strong word, have weekly, like just feedback sessions together, minimum monthly, but ideally weekly, where you just kind of go over the things that didn’t aren’t working, right, or that are working, of course, celebrating the small things as well.

Brenden Kumarasamy 26:59
So then when you can focus on Okay, let’s understand this together. Why isn’t this working, and then you’ll figure out those words are important is one of them, or urgent, so for me, urgent means right now, right? That’s like, Oh, I need to do that right now. So maybe we need to change that word. Another thing that I can recommend is another thing that they use as well, is if those conversations get out of control, they will at the beginning, because you’re kind of figuring out how to mesh together, you can use different techniques.

Brenden Kumarasamy 27:28
So what Tom uses, he has the coin. So whenever there’s like a fight between two people, and it’s getting out of control, they give each other the coin to step out of a fight. Right, so that so they can keep the conversation going, and one of them could take a timeout. But the idea is slowly over time, as you learn each other’s moods, and you ask more and more open-ended conversations.

Brenden Kumarasamy 27:48
Obviously, it’s not an overnight process, you really start to get a feel for how the other person works, and what words to use and not use or properly defined with that individual. But I think the key is really acknowledging that it’s a difficult process.

Brenden Kumarasamy 28:03
And the other part that’s also important, is to focus on the commonalities first to develop trust. So I’ll give an example. And politics actually is rarely talked about anything here. If we’re let’s say we’re democrats can the states will use as an example. are republicans necessarily bad people? Right? If we think about it a general scope? Not really. I mean, the families, they have passions, they like tennis as much as we do, they probably listen to podcasts too.

Brenden Kumarasamy 28:30
The same thing, if you’re Republican, are all Democrats, bad people, probably not. Right, they have the same families, they’re still watching Netflix with their family on the weekend. So it’s by having those commonalities and making those links first. That reduces the ego and the tension in the room, which then allows us to open up about those little things that we think are stupid, but when in reality is absolutely essential.

Céline Remy 28:57
All this is amazing. So there are a few things that I want to come back to. But before that, we like to invite our listeners, if you are a committed couple who is stuck in a rut, and just going through the daily motions instead of connecting the way used to, instead of communicating the way you’re supposed to also, and you’re tired of having mechanical sex that like spontaneity and fun, and you don’t want to live a life of average and Kevin and I would like to invite you to join our highly sexed power couple Platinum program.

Céline Remy 29:27
So if you give us 90 days, we will help you bring the passion back between the sheets and be synced up sexually so that you can thrive with more purpose and passion in life. So you can find more about our program at selling remi.com forward slash passion. Okay, so you’ve shared so much there Brandon. Like I feel like we need to come back to the weekly connection around the communication at least or at least monthly because of how many couples really take the time.

Céline Remy 29:59
And I was curious like we had a question where we’re going to ask you what’s the number one mistake people make in their communication. And I kind of feel like the fact that they don’t take the time to talk about it, both about the celebration, and the things that are in the way is probably one of the biggest mistakes, but I’m curious about your opinion, like, what’s the biggest mistake? Do you see people do in their communication?

Brenden Kumarasamy 30:21
Hmm, this is going to be subjective, because there’s a lot to pick from. Yeah, but I, if I had to pick one, and make that the focal point, it’s probably a lack of curiosity. And the reason why I say that, is because let’s say, once again, it’s I’m always trying to use these, let’s say I and Julia are in a relationship, okay? And then we meet we when we both find each other attractive, we start having sex, then we get into a committed relationship.

Brenden Kumarasamy 30:48
But I’m not actually asking Julie, any questions about her life? Like, what is your family? do? What do you enjoy doing? Like what passions insight, obviously, would do that, let’s say don’t in this context, because of my lack of curiosity, and the other person, when big issues come up in a relationship, I’m not curious enough to hear a point of view, because those things aren’t exciting, those things aren’t fun. I don’t care about the dishes.

Brenden Kumarasamy 31:13
And that’s what leads to bigger problems. Whereas I think if you’re always asking why, in a very nice way, just to understand the other person, that other person’s barriers go down really quickly. So for example, when I meet somebody new, I always go, Oh, that’s you know, I love the work that you two are, doing, Celine and Kevin, tell me more about that.

Brenden Kumarasamy 31:33
How is this program been going for you? What is the what are the moments in your life where you made the decision to say, this is exactly what I want to do with my life? And what is it that you like about working with each other? What’s one, Lois? I’m asking so many questions. And both of you like me more? like wow, pretty, it’s so good. It asked me questions.

Brenden Kumarasamy 31:51
I’ve always wanted, I always wanted to tell somebody, the number one thing I loved about Kevin or Kevin, vice versa, it’s sitting right. But nobody asked those questions here. Like we weren’t right, you’re like, Wow, look at this guy. He’s like so so in line, so in sync with this energy? Right? So I think the number one mistake is a lack of curiosity. And I think back to the mechanical versions of relationships that you alluded to sit in, I think that’s what happens.

Brenden Kumarasamy 32:15
As time goes on. And the relationship is we transitioned from the excitement, the What do you love to do? Do you want to go clubbing? Today? Do you want to go do something fun, too? Did you do the dishes today? Did you like to get the garbage, Oh, and that spark starts to fade away?

Céline Remy 32:33
And love this. I never made that connection about the curiosity. But I am very curious. And so is Kevin. One of the thing that I love is really, in our date night, and we’ve talked about this in other episodes, we often do like questions, and I will ask him the thing, like, what are you most proud of that you’ve achieved in your life or like? Even though I know a lot of the answer, I think I know, he still surprises me.

Céline Remy 32:59
And that’s one of the things that I love most is that in our relationship, while we have a deep understanding of who each other is, we still leave room and space for growth and change. So I don’t have him so much boxed into what Kevin’s definition is and I’m always curious, as per, are you feeling differently today versus yesterday or an hour ago, and I can see why this curiosity really creates that deeper connection and keeps that passion and live or what we call the constant state of arousal.

Céline Remy 33:36
Because again, it doesn’t leave like, we feel like we still in this like newness and excitement. Like where we were at the beginning of our relationship.

Brenden Kumarasamy 33:46
That’s powerful. And I completely agree. Thanks for sharing.

Kevin Anthony 33:49
So I’m gonna totally deviate from the question before we got here. We have a whole bunch more questions. We are running out of time. But there was one thing that just popped into my head that I realized that we hadn’t talked about. So we’re talking a lot about communication. But the flip side of communicating is listening. And one of the things because what this came into my mind when you were talking about the biggest mistake that you see and think, Oh, that’s really interesting.

Kevin Anthony 34:16
Yeah, I get that. And I see that and isn’t actually the first one that I would have thought of had you asked me the same question. So I thought that was really cool. And then that just made me think about listening and how important that is, because you’re gonna ask people questions, but if you’re not listening to the answers, so my question to you would be, you’ve given us tons of great information about how to communicate.

Kevin Anthony 34:40
And I was just wondering if you had anything to share with the audience about the sort of flip side which is listening, any advice for people when they’re on the other end?

Brenden Kumarasamy 34:48
Absolutely. And I think that’s a great segue. And totally not unrelated. That totally works without the flow that we’re going to put the. So once again, I’m sure you’ve already said that in your podcast, but it’s bears repeating. We have two years in One mouth for a reason. We want to listen twice as much as we speak. But here’s the punchline, not many people know how to listen properly, it’s not really their fault.

Brenden Kumarasamy 35:11
And the reason is that most of the conversations we have, or we listen most of the time, is when we’re talking or listening to other human beings. So give an example. Let’s say you have been having a conversation. And Céline is giving her perspective on something since Kevin super intellectual, you know, he wants to get everything, right. He’s thinking of 36 different scenarios, even if he doesn’t want to, even if he doesn’t want to, and he’s trying really hard.

Brenden Kumarasamy 35:35
He’s a superstar, you know, superstar boyfriend or partner, however you define it as half of his brain is working on that, we’ll say, How do I reply to sit in how to reply to sit. And that’s why we only get incremental gains and listening. So let me tell you the secret of how I got better at listening. I listen to conversations that already happened in the past, this podcast is a good example. So let’s say somebody’s listening to our conversation right now. Even if they wanted to respond, they couldn’t, because the conversation is over.

Brenden Kumarasamy 36:07
So this forces the individual who’s listening to only take notes, and listen all the time. What I used to do, and I still do today, I listened between eight and 10 hours of podcasts a week, right? So I’m forced to just listen to take notes, I can’t reply. There’s nobody to talk to. I did that over the years. So that’s how I was able to get better with listening.

Brenden Kumarasamy 36:28
So I recommend that for a lot of people, don’t just listen to the podcast, take notes, reflect on it. And then you’ll bring that curiosity and you’ll bring that ability that you have as a listener to any of the relationships that you have in your life.

Kevin Anthony 36:41
And I highly encourage you to spend hours listening to the love lab. Okay,

Céline Remy 36:49
We are getting close to our end here. And we always have our favorite question. And this is why I’m going for it because it’s the juicy one and not expecting it. Oh, so what is your best sexual talent? Oh, okay.

Brenden Kumarasamy 37:06
You know, you don’t like best sexual talent is curiosity. If I am being honest. And the reason I say that I think I think the reason why the opposite sex is, I guess attracted to me, is because I always ask them questions that not many guys ask them. So let’s say, for example, I was talking to a woman used to beauty pageants. And I just looked at her and I was like, what’s your definition of beauty? beauty?

Brenden Kumarasamy 37:34
And how has it changed before you started competing in beauty pageants? And then after that, she just looked at me and she was like, well, who is this guy? So I would say curiosity. That’s my way of kind of dodging, but it’s also very true.

Céline Remy 37:48
So does it mean that when you’re in the bedroom, you also very curious, show me your most favorite erogenous zone? How do you like the clicker is drugs? Show me everything about your vagina, right.

Brenden Kumarasamy 38:03
You know, things happen for sure. Let’s just say a curiosity goes a long way.

Kevin Anthony 38:10
Absolutely.

Céline Remy 38:11
Did we get you to blush a little bit, Brenden? Absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 38:17
All right. Well, this is a fascinating conversation. And I honestly wish we had more time because there are so many more things that we could talk about when it comes to communication. I mean, honestly, we skipped a third of the questions that we had written down because the conversation was so good.

Kevin Anthony 38:36
I would then recommend if you still have questions to find somebody like Brenden, and work with him because I’m telling you, we just scratched the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what you could possibly learn to get better at communicating. So Brenden, maybe you could tell the audience how they could find you and get more of you.

Brenden Kumarasamy 38:58
Absolutely. So So for those of you who want to check out my YouTube videos on public speaking Master Talk in one word. And if you want to send me you know, a message or a comment and get in touch with me personally, Instagrams, the best way of doing that my handle is @masteryourtalk.

Céline Remy 39:14
Right? And we’ll put all the links in the descriptions below. But make sure you go check him out. He’s got a lot of great wisdom to share. And just this podcast alone had so many gems here. Make sure you listen to it again and again and ponder it and then take action because it’s one thing to listen to and understand things in your head. But taking action is what separates you from average to superhero.

Kevin Anthony 39:39
That’s right. And remember, Brenden said to take notes while you’re listening. Alright, Brenden, thank you so much for coming on the love lab podcast.

Brenden Kumarasamy 39:49
Thanks so much. You too. It’s such a pleasure.

Kevin Anthony 39:51
Alright, that’s all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week.

Kevin Anthony 40:01
We hope you like this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe, leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 40:08
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at c e li n e r e my.com/ vault. Thanks for listening, and remember, you’re amazing.