How To Deal With Painful Sex

Kevin Anthony 0:12
Welcome to the Love Lab Podcast, a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man, woman single or couple, this is the show for you. Because well, sex matters. We are your hosts Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 88. And it is called How to deal with painful sex. This is going to be an interesting topic. You know, what’s the first thing I find interesting about it is that it’s been on our list to talk about for a long time and I think it came from either a listener or client. I don’t remember…

Céline Remy 0:49
Yes, we actually had somebody writing in and saying, hey, I know you’ve dealt around some of that but I really want to have like more solution. How do you deal with painful sex painful intercourse? And all of that. So

Kevin Anthony 1:01
yeah, and for some reason, we just haven’t gotten around to doing it until today. And here’s another thing that I find very interesting about this topic. Is that really well, I in the past thought about painful sex. I always assumed that it was painful for the woman who’s never really experienced painful sex, per se as a man.

Kevin Anthony 1:24
And it wasn’t until really researching and diving into this topic that I realized there is a long list of potential things that could cause men to experience pain. So it’s not just women, but we’re going to cover both what it’s like for men what it’s like for women, and we’ve got a lot to cover. So we’re just gonna jump right in.

Céline Remy 1:43
Yeah. And we’re going to give you also some solutions, some ways to deal with it and taking the first step because pain is never fun unless it’s something that is consensual and that you asking for and there’s a lot of like, It can bring down your self-esteem, right and, and make it really difficult that maybe there’s something wrong with you something wrong with your relationship. And it’s not really all that there is. So we’re going to talk about all of this as well.

Céline Remy 2:12
But before we get started, let’s give a big shout out to our sponsor power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then go to power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. You can find it at powerandmastery.com, it will help you to increase your sexual skills to last longer and have hard directions.

Kevin Anthony 2:36
Yeah. Okay. So I think maybe the best place to start with this is to give a few stats that I found about painful sex because like I said, as a guy, I’ve never really experienced that. I mean, yes and no, we could talk more about that later. But I was kind of surprised.

Kevin Anthony 2:53
So the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 30% of women admitted to pain during the journal intercourse well, that that’s a third basically a third of the women having sex experience painful pain during vaginal intercourse 72% acknowledged pain with anal sex. That’s not as surprising.

Céline Remy 3:14
I think it has more to do with a lack of relaxation and lubrication. Well, nothing else, but it’s a whole nother thing.

Kevin Anthony 3:22
And then among men only 7% and 15% respectively. I’m not so surprised about that, because the studies kind of showed that men just don’t really report it. You know this is very typical men just like kind of bottle it all up inside. So I would assume that more men actually experience it when especially given the list of potential causes. I think it’s probably a lot more than 7%

Céline Remy 3:48
Well, I get it, I get a fair, fair amount of men who reach out to clients who experienced pain or another discomfort with a penis and stuff so it is definitely I feel like it’s more than that seven-person that you’re talking about. But I think also that the last point that you were going to share that one of the research at the Indiana University, they found that a large proportion of Americans do not tell their partners when sex hurts.

Kevin Anthony 4:17
Yeah, well, that was the other piece. And so when they’re doing a survey, they might write on the survey. Yes, I experience it. But another key part is, even though they’re telling the researchers they are likely not telling their partner.

Céline Remy 4:30
Yeah, it’s such a complicated thing to approach because, from the point of view of the woman, you might be like, well, I don’t want to tell him that I’m hurting because then he’s gonna think he’s doing a bad job or that I’m not attracted towards him. And then he might pull away and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

Céline Remy 4:51
From the perspective of the guy. It could be like, I don’t really want to tell her that I have pain because well, then maybe she won’t see me as a strong man anymore, she might not be attracted, or she may not want to have sex with me or like there’s a lot of things there that come into place. And then there’s also the fear what if there’s something wrong with me, I’ve got testicular cancer or whatever, you know, crazy monkey mind thing you get stuck into.

Céline Remy 5:21
So what I want to say a big disclaimer before we dive into the different things too is when in doubt, seek some professional help. If you got pain that you don’t know what it is don’t self-diagnosis by googling, it’s not going to give you peace of mind. Seek out and a professional who can help you with diagnosing and then you can calm down your mind that you’re not having to go through this downward spiral and you can take the necessary steps to bring you back into balance. And so whatever you need to do to bring yourself back to a place of calm And, and peace.

Kevin Anthony 6:02
Yeah, that’s a good point. You know, I’ve witnessed quite a few people who are the second they have a pain or an ache or something going on they go, Oh my god, it could be this. Oh my god, it could be that, you know, I knew somebody who had the same thing. Just stop all that. That’s just craziness of the mind. So let’s dive into the men first. Okay. And because I think I think we can move through some of the men’s stuff a little faster, potentially.

Céline Remy 6:30
Well, I’m just gonna start somewhere, right? That’s true. So one of the first things that is for men where there’s some pain is when you have Veronese disease. So if you’re not familiar with the name, it’s basically the fancy name to talk about the curvature in the penis. And it’s a pretty common cause of penile pain. And even having that pain could be a sign of like an early sign of the condition. Now don’t go all crazy about that.

Céline Remy 7:02
But around this, some of the things that I’ve been doing in the research to around Peyronie’s disease because I’ve had a couple of clients that I had to deal with is that it could also have like, underlying bigger health issues too. So, you know, we’re looking at this through the lens of here, he has the symptom, but it’s not always the cause. And I think that this is a big disclaimer that I also want to share for people to remember that we never want to just treat the one symptom because it’s only going to be a bandaid solution.

Céline Remy 7:36
We actually want to go to the root of the cause, because then if we change that underlying problem, it’s not gonna show up anymore.

Kevin Anthony 7:46
Yeah, absolutely. That’s a big problem with Western medicine is they only treat symptoms, they don’t really get to root causes. But you know, a couple of things I want to say about peroneus disease. First of all, as if your penis has a curve, it does not mean you have peroneus disease. Let’s just say that penises curve up, down, left, right? There’s not necessarily a problem.

Kevin Anthony 8:05
But it can, however, be peroneus disease and there are some causes, it’s calcification or hardening that can cause it to go and that’s where it can start to get painful. So if you have a little curved to your penis and it doesn’t hurt, then you’re fine. Most likely, so don’t get too carried away with that, but Peyronie’s disease could be potentially something causing pain and there are some ways to deal with that you can work through massage to try to break up session improves blood flow,

Céline Remy 8:38
absolutely using Castor or working because going to break down the scar tissues because really what starts to happen is as this calcification and then there are scar tissues and that’s what hardens and becomes painful. So actually doing daily, it’s not like a once in a blue moon like it’s something It’s a lifestyle change of like changing this and doing like massaging and I’m not talking about masturbation but like just really applying different moves on it to stretch bangs can really help.

Céline Remy 9:10
And by the way, you don’t get Veronese disease because you masturbated too much with your right hand or left hand.

Kevin Anthony 9:18
That’s the kind of stuff that children tell each other.

Céline Remy 9:21
Exactly.

Kevin Anthony 9:22
Okay, so yeah, let’s move on because we’ve got a bunch of other things.

Céline Remy 9:26
Here. Yes. All right. Go ahead, Kevin.

Kevin Anthony 9:28
All right. So the next one is a swelling of the head of the penis, which can be called ballon itis, I think is how you pronounce it. A medical term zero is so funny. I have no idea if I’m pronouncing them correctly. But anyway, it’s basically an infection or allergy of the skin. So some sort of irritation of the skin of the penis. This can happen it’s actually a little bit more common in those who are uncircumcised. And here’s the thing.

Kevin Anthony 9:55
I don’t want to get into a whole debate about circumcision or not, but they’re really actually isn’t any reason to circumcise unless you’ve had an actual diagnosed medical condition. There’s nothing wrong with having an uncircumcised penis, all you have to do is just a little bit of care. Like when you’re in the shower, just pull the skin back and wash. That’s really all you have to do. So but if you don’t if you’re not maintaining good hygiene, and then you could potentially get irritation or some sort of infection, which could be causing pain. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 10:30
Absolutely. And so, you know, anything like this is due to viral bacterial infections, you know, fungal, fungal can happen to Yeah, exactly. So these again, are like the deeper thing underneath the pain. I want to talk about the pain that some men experience when they ejaculate. So it’s very interesting because I’ve had several men that worked with me and we’re like, it really hurts to ejaculate. And one of the things is that often it’s a sign of prostitute itis which is another name for the inflammation of the prostate.

Céline Remy 11:07
And what I’ve found is that men who experience pain and usually the pain is more around the peritoneum that they feel that pain around the ejaculation in whatever I’ve done in the past that has worked really well is to do regular prostate massages, and teaching the men to start to learn how to really relax their pelvic floor muscles as well.

Céline Remy 11:31
And then you know, using some natural things like the pronoun butter, which is made with like pumpkin seeds and different other ingredients and I’ll put the link for that I have an article that I wrote on this I’ll put a link to this one in the comments of the shows so you can find it but like using those natural ways, really helped in so I’ve had Okay, quickly on top of my head Work with four different men who had this type of pain through doing the de-armoring the massaging of the genitals and the prostate that it disappeared within a few weeks.

Céline Remy 12:13
And so that’s also always good to know and double-check all right, another problem that can come up is having in I’m doing these ones and because I know you want to get to our number a number six or whatever that is later, Kevin. So I’m gonna go

Kevin Anthony 12:30
Number 11 actually, when you want to go a little

Céline Remy 12:35
faster, so something to has to do with the foreskin being too tight and all of that so that can create pain as well. There is a way to slowly really learn to stretch out if there’s no infection again if there’s no infection to like, learn to get to stretch out the foreskin because you should be able to pull it and have a decent amount of the head of the penis exposed.

Céline Remy 13:00
When some men don’t use it don’t do the proper care washing and stuff, it becomes stuck and then that could lead to having to be circumcised later. But anyway, when the foreskin is too tight, it is called phimosis. And you know, it’s more common in in babies and children. Another thing too that can cause pain is anything around STI is STDs, right? And that’s again if you have an itch or redness or burning or burning or something that smells

Kevin Anthony 13:31
good, it’s a good sign.

Céline Remy 13:33
Go check it out. Like don’t stay with us, right?

Kevin Anthony 13:37
So the basic piece of advice is pain is not normal, right? Pain is telling you that something is wrong. And so you should be looking into that. So in most cases, if you’ve never had pain before, and you suddenly are experiencing pain, the first thing you should be thinking about especially if you’ve had a lot of sex with a bunch of different people potentially unprotected or totally new people. So STI is STDs.

Céline Remy 13:59
And also don’t treat Because we can cure these and heal them you know like you don’t really die from those things anymore even with AIDS unless you really having a very challenged immune system people are not having really like they can live with even those most dangerous conditions. So catch it early do the right things and be smart with your dick and your brain.

Kevin Anthony 14:24
always wise to be smart with your dick.

Céline Remy 14:29
Also, there are a few things that can happen with like physiologically speaking if you have a tight fernet friend of them so that little like just underneath their head that little piece of skin right that little you see a little line and you know that could be painful with direction so if it’s too short, you know and that again is something that doctor could help you with that and and and see if you can still retract your foreskin This is really again more if you’re uncircumcised.

Céline Remy 14:57
I want to go quickly through skin conditions. I’ve psoriasis eczema. And by the way, I’ve gotten a lot of clients do they have like, oh, what’s it called vitiligo, right? The condition where you become the skin is as white. There’s a discoloration, you lose the melatonin in your skin and the coloration is different. There’s no pain with that. It just looks different. Do you know? So a lot of things that can happen to us just like our human bodies have a lot of things that can happen to her to them.

Céline Remy 15:26
You could also be like allergic to condoms allergic to the lube. Using you know, you could do Oh, that’s a big one too. If you cycle a lot. Or you do martial arts? I don’t get kicked in the balls a lot. Yeah, nothing. You should talk about that because you did both of them. So absolutely. And

Kevin Anthony 15:46
I have been kicked in the balls. Well, yeah, I thought that was interesting when researching this that actually came up as a pretty big source of pain for men. Oh, yeah, it is. And but I can tell you this. I was a Huge like, hardcore cyclist for many, many years. And I still am, but not as I mean, I used to ride, I would say, three, four times a week, like miles and miles and miles on a bike seat. And I never actually had any problems with that, but I can see how it is.

Kevin Anthony 16:19
And I can tell you in the cycling world, it’s usually due to either having the wrong kind of seat for you or having your seat adjusted incorrectly. I’m not gonna go into a whole thing on how to adjust your bike seat, but because there actually is a certain way to do it, that pretty much eliminates the problem.

Céline Remy 16:36
Maybe one day we should do a YouTube video on that one.

Kevin Anthony 16:42
We could. But the other thing is, too is that seat manufacturers over the years started to get hip to this and started designing seats that will reduce the pressure. So but it is definitely a possibility. I mean, the martial arts one is pretty obvious. Just you know, if you’re engaging in the type of martial arts, where you might actually have contact with the general region where a cup.

Kevin Anthony 17:03
I mean, I studied muy Thai for years and we always work up not just a cup, a literal steel cup, not not like your plastic one that most sportspeople wear. It was made out of steel because when somebody thrusting their knee at you full speed and they accidentally hit you, you’re gonna need something solid. And I can tell you, it still hurts A LOT.

Céline Remy 17:28
But that thing is hard when you train and then I come to hug you and I’m like, Oh, you’re so happy to see me. I’ve never seen you. And I was like, Oh, what’s that? I’m like, Oh, that’s why it’s different.

Kevin Anthony 17:40
Okay, so yeah, I was gonna move on to the next one. Unless you have something you want.

Céline Remy 17:45
Nothing. We should move on because I don’t know which one you want to talk about.

Kevin Anthony 17:49
Well, so we finally uh, number 10 on the list is actually one I’ve experienced too much sex.

Céline Remy 17:56
Yeah, we did have pain at the beginning of our relationship because both of us are not very thick…

Kevin Anthony 18:01
our pubic bones after hitting each other. Yes. But we’ve gotten so many times. Yeah, we’ve built up an immunity to that.

Céline Remy 18:11
Don’t worry, keep at it, you know, and you will build resiliency. Yeah.

Kevin Anthony 18:16
And you know, the simple solution to that is just slow down and maybe be a little bit more gentle if you have to take a rest day in between. Something like that. Okay. Number 11. on the list. I know every man listening has been waiting for this one did it to do

Céline Remy 18:34
blue balls, balls, balls, new balls, but what are blue balls?

Kevin Anthony 18:41
Okay, so here’s the thing, I personally, but before I say this, I will tell you that I have experienced symptoms like blue balls when I was younger. But I will also tell you that I have personally been of the opinion for many, many years now. blue balls do not exist and for all, you guys out there go and bowl shit because I just had it last night. Wait until we read some of this stuff for you.

Céline Remy 19:11
So “blue balls” is a slang term for “epididymal hypertension”. Whoo fancy name right oh yeah basically it refers to aching or painful testicles which some people may experience after sexual arousal that does not result in orgasm. Ah haha. Interesting

Kevin Anthony 19:29
see right away we know Something’s fishy here. The Tantra practitioners we are.

Céline Remy 19:37
So basically the symptom occurs because his blood builds up in the testicles during a rash or causing them to ache if the person remains around for too long. All the blue balls may be uncomfortable, it does not usually last long. I had heard that I think when people take Viagra or Cialis any of these fields that if you have an erection that lasts for over four hours, meaning It doesn’t come down because there’s a valve in the penis that opens up a little bit and that lets a blood flow come out.

Céline Remy 20:06
If it’s like really keeping it in, that’s when it starts to become like dangerous, but I don’t think anyone has had a boner that they didn’t go down for for

Kevin Anthony 20:13
that’s actually different conditions, priapism. That’s true. And that’s an issue too in emergency medicine because I used to work as an EMT. Sometimes when people experienced a traumatic injury, they get these persistent erections. And that’s something that you actually have to watch for. Because if it takes a long time to extract them from a car, or seriously, this is no joke.

Kevin Anthony 20:34
It could take an hour to get somebody out of a car with the jaws of life by the time they get into the ambulance and get to the hospital is this could have been a problem that could cause long term damage so but that’s a completely different condition than blue balls. Now, here’s the thing. When researching this, I found it basically impossible to find any real medical information, all you will find is that they’ve given it a term which is the term you’ve read it already.

Kevin Anthony 21:01
So they’ve defined a term for it. And they say that well, there’s anecdotal evidence of it. But there are no actual studies. There’s nothing in the medical literature that describes an actual condition where your balls turn blue

Céline Remy 21:19
now so it could be a faint blue but here’s really what’s happening is that there’s been a build-up a fee around that. And that guys use that as an excuse to make sure that their partner makes them cum if they start having sex that they must ejaculate. So number one, I want to say it’s not your partner’s responsibility to make you ejaculate. If you feel like you need to ejaculate, ejaculate. Number two, you don’t have to ejaculate every single time you have sex and you can learn to separate your orgasms and ejaculation.

Kevin Anthony 21:47
We’re going to get to that in a minute because I have a big thing to say about that. Interestingly enough, I was I found a men’s health article. They’re not the end all be all of the scientific stuff, as we all know. But they were researching this as well and the only thing they could come up with was an article written in 2000 in the Journal of Pediatrics that detailed a 14-year-old boy who ended up in the ER with severe scrollable pain after messing around with his girlfriend. However, the scientists admitted they were they weren’t quite sure what was responsible for causing the pain.

Kevin Anthony 22:22
And that’s because after reviewing the available literature and emergency medicine, urology textbooks, and medical libraries, the scientists were unable to find any mention of or official medical term for blue balls.

Céline Remy 22:36
Fascinating. So I’m curious about your theory behind the blue balls, then Kevin, all right.

Kevin Anthony 22:41
I will tell you what my theory is. So I sort of made a joke at the beginning of this about you know, being into Tantra and we are and we have studied it, I’ve studied it extensively. I got trained officially in Tantra and all that stuff. It’s not something that we talk about all that much here. One of the things that We learn in Tantra is how to move energy. We also learn how to separate orgasm from ejaculation, which is something that we talked about here on the show all the time.

Kevin Anthony 23:10
When you do that, when you learn to separate orgasm from ejaculation, you tend to not ejaculate very frequently. So for instance, I mean, once or twice a month, maybe and we have sex two, three times a week, at least.

Céline Remy 23:24
Well, we have the reports of that when we had the 30, the 30-day sex challenge and the 30-day blowjob challenge. We kept track of how many times you ejaculated. And it was only like three times I think,

Kevin Anthony 23:35
yeah, it was three times over 30 days. That was actually a lot for me in a given month. And it was only because we were having sex every single day. I was like super juiced up with energy. And I’m like, Yeah, let’s do it. Yeah, you know. So here’s what I think happens. Well, first of all, let me just say that because of that experience that I have, I know that you do not have to ejaculate every time that you get around. I just don’t write and there’s not going to be any pain. I don’t experience any pain.

Kevin Anthony 24:04
And I know lots of other people who do this. I’m not some magic person who you know was bestowed from the gods, this talent or anything like that. Tons of people know how to do this. And we teach people how to do it in our online courses. I experienced zero pain. But as I said before, I have experienced the symptoms of this when I was younger. Here’s what I think happens. I’m going to get a little woo-woo on y’all now for a moment.

Kevin Anthony 24:35
But energy sexual energy, we learned to move it through our bodies. If we don’t move it through our bodies, it gets stuck where it gets generated, which you know, in the system of chakras, we would say the first and second chakra depending on which chakra system you study, some say your sexual centers in the first some states and the second is really kind of both if you haven’t learned to move the center Out of that region, and it gets stuck in there.

Kevin Anthony 25:02
And this could be massive amounts of powerful energy, you could experience that sensation. And so to me that matches up very closely with like the 14-year-old boy, right? 14-year-old boys have no idea how to control their energy. It’s like, what was the first time you’re messing around with a girl right? And they’re so excited, but they don’t know how to move it. They don’t know what to do with it. And then if they don’t ejaculate, and this is why you mostly hear young people.

Céline Remy 25:28
Mm-hmm.

Kevin Anthony 25:29
say they got blue balls because their girlfriend didn’t finish them. Hmm, that’s just bull shit. Mm-hmm. Learn how to use your energy. Learn how to move your energy, circulate it through your body. And if you’re actually having sex, learn how to circulate through both of your bodies, and you will never experience blue balls again.

Céline Remy 25:48
And it’s super easy to learn. We teach you that through our courses sexual mastery that you can find that power and mastery calm and we work with people one on one to and we’ve taught hundreds when the hunt And hundreds of men know how to do that. So it’s easy. And you can learn it now, okay, I’m trying to look at the time because I want to give the woman listening also a lot of like information. Before we move into how to deal with women and painful sex. I want to give another shout out to our sponsor for relationship synergy, which is basically our program but hey, whatever.

Céline Remy 26:29
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Kevin Anthony 27:09
Yes.

Céline Remy 27:10
Alright. So I have a lot to talk about. I’m going to see how I can do that. Yeah, with women and pain around sex. So number one thing that I’ve done here is I have put it into different levels if you experience what I call low to mild pain, and that’s something that I’m familiar with that had happened before with previous partners, which means that you’ve got pain for the first few minutes of intercourse, you know, that first insertion, you’re like, Oh, I really didn’t feel good and there’s a lot of like, or, and then it becomes, you know, it subsides just after a few minutes, or you have maybe little to no lubrication.

Céline Remy 27:52
That’s one thing that you could be experiencing. And there is no shame about that, by the way. I was very embarrassed because I was very young. I was in my early 30s. And even in my 20s and I was thinking, Hey, I’m juicy. I’m sexual, I am turned on, I love my partner, but like, why is this happening this way? What’s wrong with me? And so then I had to just be okay with the fact that that’s how I was. I thought that’s how I was period until I met Kevin. And so one thing that I want to say is, like, Well, you know, I’m married to you. It’s like, you’re the perfect man for me and my pussy knows it, and the other ones weren’t.

Céline Remy 28:37
And I can see in retrospect, that there were a lot of things that were in the way and that my pussy was pretty much like hey, I’m not warmed up. I’m not turned down or I’m not ready and it was kind of being like, this is why this pain, this is why there’s no lubrication. So if you’re in that low to mild area with a with painful intercourse, here Some of the things that I could say you, you need to do like increasing the foreplay. And also increasing the amount of romance like the way of speaking your love language, right? Because then you want to feel that juice that connection.

Céline Remy 29:13
Remember, we always talk about the constant state of arousal. You want to create that in your relationship. You want to add lube because there’s no shame in adding lube to make things slippery. I mean, you don’t want to have been you want to make it like really good. Of course, you want to look if there are any like reactions to a particular lube or condoms because that could also be the case. And so you need to rule that out. And then you want to take things slow, and speak up and say I need more time I need to slow down.

Céline Remy 29:44
Now I want to breathe together or more like more oral sex or whatever that looks like. Connect deeply with your partner. There’s probably a part of you that wants to have a deeper connection and intimacy that’s not generally based that’s more heart-based and maybe it needs to Maybe your heart is not fully open yet is not feeling fully connected and safe. And your pussy knows that because first, your heart has to open up before you proceed can get there. So look at the ways of like opening up your heart. And I want to say like, Listen to your body’s message, are you truly turned on and attracted to your partner?

Céline Remy 30:21
Like, don’t force something that’s not happening that you’re not wanting? And also explore pleasure without the freaking penetration. It’s not all about the penetration. There’s no it’s, it’s not. There are so many other things you can do and like, explore these other ways. And it’s like, we’re so like, indoctrinated to think it has to be penis inside the vagina. That’s not the only way to express your love. I mean, yeah, that’s how you want to make babies. But if that’s not your goal, there are other things you can do that are equally satisfying. That could be Prepare you to arouse you open up your body.

Céline Remy 31:03
And then if at that point, you want penetration, you can add it, but you don’t always need penetration. One of the biggest mistakes that people do is that they stop being intimate and touching because they’re Spain. And then that means you get nothing, increase the touch, increase the level of like just being turned on and sensual. That does not include the genitals.

Kevin Anthony 31:26
Yeah, absolutely.

Céline Remy 31:27
And I’m curious Kevin like, do you have any tips for our male listeners about dealing with a woman who tells you slow down or it hurts because I’m sure that as a guy you never want to hear like, oh, that hurt when you penetrate us?

Kevin Anthony 31:40
Right? I absolutely have some advice for men who are dealing with women who are saying it hurts.

Kevin Anthony 31:45
Pay attention.

Kevin Anthony 31:48
Pay attention. If she tells you that it hurts and she needs you to slow down, slow down. Otherwise, he’s not gonna want to have sex with you anymore. I mean, that’s what it comes down to. She’s just gonna choose Not gonna want it. So if she’s having pain, and she’s telling you what she needs, just listen to her and give her what she needs. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 32:08
Yeah. And it wants to be creative. Right? And, and maybe like, like you said about that listening part, like, what does she need? What does she want? And how can you still lay centrally or sexually, but like we’ve had to the pain?

Kevin Anthony 32:23
Yeah, you know, I would also say to the men, like, Don’t take it personally. Right? Just don’t take it personally. And just listen to what she says. Don’t get upset about it or take it personally. And then just find ways to still connect just like you were saying, find other ways to connect. Mm-hmm. And you know, both of you can take time to research and figure out what’s going on and we gave you tons of reasons so far that could potentially cause it, and just work together to try to solve it.

Céline Remy 32:51
and work with other people who can help you work with us through relationship synergy because oftentimes there’s an underlying cause. The symptom is a Dry vagina painful vagina, the cause could be a disconnect in the relationship could be resentment could be a lack of communication. Once you start to open up the floodgates of communication and connection, everything starts to open up. And not everybody is a sexual match.

Céline Remy 33:16
I mean, maybe depending on where you are in your relationship, I mean, maybe you’re just starting a relationship. So it might not be worth continuing it. If you’ve been married and then stuff and you’re like involved in the committed relationship. It’s worth doing the work but knows that some people will turn you on more than others.

Céline Remy 33:33
And then maybe if you’re not turned on by your partner, what do you need to do is like maybe losing 20 pounds and getting a little healthier and taking better care of yourself and grooming yourself and, you know, doing the things you did when you were dating. Because you’re not in a committed relationship does not mean you should stop being attractive. Absolutely not. Yes. So think about those things.

Céline Remy 33:54
Of course, just like we’ve men counterpart, STI s and STDs like we normally rolling them out. So of course, if you get yeast infection or burns, a will discharge, and cottage cheese and green things coming out of your vagina, go see a gynecologist and do something about it. Now, remember around about yeast infections. It’s very annoying, it’s very easy, but the cause the symptom is in your vagina, the cause is in your guts. It’s all because of the gut flora that’s not balanced in actually taking better care of your gut and rebalancing re flourishing your flora.

Céline Remy 34:34
And doing all of this will work better than trying to like, locally deal with it inside the vagina. So that’s how I totally cured and healed. I wouldn’t say I had chronic but I had quite a bit actually so close to chronic yeast infections until I understood that it came from my guts and started to really actively do probiotics and I did column therapy. I mean, I did a lot of Different things around that. That’s when it’s stabilized. And then it’s been years, years since I’ve had one, like over four years now. So yeah, it’s really good.

Kevin Anthony 35:09
So you know, a couple of things is, you know, because woman’s genitals are mostly internal, it’s harder to see the signs, right. So pay more attention to the signs that you do have, whether it’s discharge, or even some swelling on the outside, that sort of thing. And then the other thing is to Yeah, I mean, you really, the traditional approach to treating a lot of those things is just put a cream on and participatory in there, you know, do something like that, but actually, you need to address the root cause, which in this particular case, as you said, is often from your gut. So just know there’s more to it than what they necessarily tell you.

Céline Remy 35:44
Absolutely. Thank you, Kevin. So I want to move to more severe pain because it does. A lot of women do experience that and so there are a few different things and I’m gonna go quickly around like the names and stuff because it’s more important to me to share what you can do than anything else. But let’s just talk about names here things like vulvodynia, which is like when you have pain around the vulva which is all could be anywhere around the pubis man the clitoral the labia, the vestibular bulbs, and the openings, the Bartholin, the Skene’s glands. I mean, there are so many different things, but it’s that pain, that irritation.

Céline Remy 36:24
And that’s one thing here. Another one is the vaginismus which is when you have this chronic tension in your pelvic floor muscles that kind of interfere with the penetration. Some women say like even like thinking about penetration, their muscles instantly like come up and are like I can’t have that. And there’s another name here too that we’re going to throw in there which is Vestibulodynia, (AKA vulvar vestibulitis).

Céline Remy 36:52
So it’s again an inflammation of the vestibular glands and it’s kind of like it’s more on the outside when you have redness so kind of You should spread the labia and you see just unbelievable the urethral opening and around the labia as I’m kind of like having this visual picture I’m trying to give it to you, but it often gets bundled into the diagnosis with vulvodynia. Right. And so all of these things are, by the way, vestibulodynia is very treatable.

Céline Remy 37:22
And so it’s important to have it diagnosed properly because what you’re going to do is going to be a little bit different. Now, I’ve had friends who have the vegetable ideas and information and what she used was to slow down she taught her partner how to do internal and external vaginal massage. Using a lot of lube. She used warm compresses, did a lot of self-care. These were things that worked really well for her. And so you got to find there are a lot of different things and avenues you can take. You can go to the modern medicine route or all the other one with like the more alternative approach you got to do what feels good for you.

Céline Remy 38:05
What we want to tell you first is that you need to seek help from a medical professional physical or physical therapist, especially if you having vaginismus which is that really tight muscles, okay, which is similar to the guys that have been with ejaculation. It’s about the same thing with our prostitute it is and tension in the muscles, it’s kind of similar there. And because a lot of the muscles are involuntary, you have to retrain yourself and learn like how you can like have that control and relaxation most of the time you have hypertension in there.

Céline Remy 38:40
And so some of the things that work would be to do like physical therapy like in the pelvic floor or to do the geodetic practice, which is really awesome. And this is something that I can help you with that I love to do. You could use heat to relax the muscle, whether it’s warm compresses or it’s yoni steam that works really well to just to learn to relax and listen to the body. Some people choose the route of using the dilators, which are, in my opinion, it’s a little more invasive, but some have had really good success.

Céline Remy 39:17
Now, what I want to say is there are no shortcuts, it requires constant attention and doing it regularly and then you can see differences. And if you couple and you’re dealing with this as a guy, you could learn to slowly massager, Libya, we teach that in sexual mastery, like you taking the time to warm her up to listen to see where she’s at or helping her stretch out. You could insert a finger and helping her to like squeeze around your finger and relax so she can feel things too.

Céline Remy 39:52
I mean, are squeezing around your penis if you can go as deep as having penetration, but that’s when you really want to focus on all the things we talked about earlier about creating the connection, having a constant state of arousal, not making it just about the penetration, taking away the pressure from the penetration and going really slow. really slow, right? Absolutely. Yeah. And so ultimately, you have to be honest with your partner when they’re spayed. You have to talk about it and do steps to make things differently. Don’t stay with any pain, because that’s not how you’re supposed to be.

Kevin Anthony 40:30
I think that’s one of the big things is because one of the things that we see when we work with people is they’re like, well, it’s just painful. Then it’s like, they’re kind of done like, well, because it hurts, I just can’t do it. And just know I mean, we’ve given you a ridiculously long list of potential causes for both men and women and just know that every single one of them is fixable. They’re fixable. So don’t wait, communicate with your partner and take action steps to fix it.

Céline Remy 40:58
Absolutely. And if right now intercourse is too painful, take it off the table. But keep the love alive kiss hug massage, lick each other’s genitalia. This will still help you want to keep having the sexual energy flowing while you work with somebody else to help you eliminate the discomfort.

Kevin Anthony 41:24
Absolutely. And with that, we are definitely out of time today. So we hope that was valuable because we know a lot of people have asked for this and feel free to follow up with any questions you have if we didn’t cover some particular aspect. And that is all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week. We hope you like this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, leave a comment and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 41:55
And if you want more, we have an entire digital library with the best sex tips. Relationship Advice at CelineRemy.com. That’s c e li, n e r e m y.com. So join us in the sex vault to continue this adventure.

Kevin Anthony 42:12
Thanks for listening,

Céline Remy 42:13
and remember, you’re amazing