Having Sex Again, Body Confidence, Sexploration, And More Sex

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom, and your relationships.

All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 304. And it’s titled having sex again. Body Confidence says exploration and more sex. So there’s gonna be a lot of sex in this episode. That is not a bad thing, the more sex we can have in life, generally speaking, the better life is. So what am I going to be talking about today? Well, I’m going to be answering some more listener questions when I did the last listener questions answered episode. A while back actually not a while back just a few episodes back. I couldn’t get to. I got to make a little bit less than half of the questions in that episode. So I have the other half today. And we’re going to go through those. As always, I really appreciate when listeners of the podcast and viewers on YouTube, send me questions and things that they are curious about, or want to know what the answer is or some advice. So we’re going to tackle that today.

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Okay, let’s get started here with the very first question, which is, I’ve just met a new man and I have not had sex in 20 years, our relationship is progressing. And I’m worried that I will not be able to have intercourse. I found you just by chance. And do you know where to start? What can you suggest? This is a great question. Thank you so much for asking me. There are a few things that I want to cover here. I actually did. I think Celine and I did an episode (at this point at 304 I don’t remember them all), but I know we did an episode on what to do. I think that was one that I did early on after Céline passed about, like how to get back into having sex again when you’ve had a long break. So we’re going to cover a few things from that episode here. And then if you want more detailed information, go look for that episode. So the first thing I would say is, remember that it’s it really is like riding a bike sex is like riding a bike once you learn how to do it. It’s not like you ever really forget, and especially from the point of view of a woman. Now I’m guessing, you know, if you haven’t had sex in 20 years, you’re probably a bit older. So you know, if you were a man, and you were concerned about being able to have sex after not having it for 20 years, I’d say okay, you’re older, you’re a man, you haven’t had sex in a long time. I don’t know what your masturbation habits are.

But there’s a possibility that there could be some physical issues. I would say for a woman it’s a little bit less. Now there can of course be some physical age-related issues that can make sex more challenging when you’re older. But a little bit less and they can be addressed a little easier. In other words, the two main things that women complain about as they are postmenopausal and they’re older and want to have sex are painful sex, painful intercourse, and lack of lubrication. So lack of lubrication is easy to solve. You can just use lube, painful sex that can be a little bit more challenging but can still be solved with some relative ease And so aside from any of those things, it’s not like you’ve forgotten, you know how to do this. So I would say just don’t worry about that, don’t let it get too much into your head. Because then that can actually cause some of the problems that you are, you know, afraid that you might run into is you get too much in your head, and you get too nervous about it. And you can cause some physical performance challenges, such as maybe holding too much tension in your vagina, which might cause the painful sex that you’re worried about potentially happening.

The second thing I would say is to set proper expectations. Now, again, I’m making some assumptions here, because I don’t know a lot about your situation. But again, I’m guessing if you haven’t had sex in 20 years, you’re probably a little bit older. Anybody who is a little bit older, and who has had some experience would be okay with you telling them, Hey, by the way, it’s been a long time since I’ve actually had sex, and would you be willing to maybe go a little slower, you know, start out a little slower, maybe do a little bit more foreplay, maybe just hang in there until I kind of get back in the swing. This might be something, you know, if you’re in your 20s, and you’re dating, this might be something that, you know, men in their 20s have a challenge with whether they don’t want to deal with that, or whatever. But older men should be perfectly okay with that. And if he’s interested in you, if he likes you for all the other reasons, you know, I mean, when we get together, it’s not just about sex, there’s a whole lot of other things that we look for in potential partners. If all those things are there, and he’s really interested, he should be perfectly willing to go slowly with you. And it might actually, depending on the man, it could actually be a bonus to him, that you haven’t had a whole bunch of previous sexual partners. So think of it that way, also.

So number one, remember, it’s like riding a bike, you haven’t forgotten how to do it, it’ll come back to you. Number two, set proper expectations. So just be upfront with him. He shouldn’t mind if it’s been a while since you’ve had sex. And, you know, you can if you set those expectations, then he’s not expecting it to be some crazy mind-blowing five-hour, you know, lovemaking session, right? The third one is to see if you can both agree to give it a few tries. Right. So this is something that, you know, Céline used to talk about, because she had a partner that her partner prior to her and I being together, that was significantly older. And he actually came to her and he said, Hey, would you be willing to give it at least five times? To see, you know, if, if you were really sexually compatible to what she said, Yes. And by time five, it was significantly different and better than time number one. So, you know, if you’re worried about what your performance is going to be, like, set the proper expectations. And part of that is, hey, you know, it’s been a while, you know, don’t make a judgment on you know, how the sex is going to be in this relationship until we’ve given it a few tries, right? Let’s see how it develops over, you know, three or four or five times. You can pick any number you want, I would suggest not making it up a large number. Although if you do, he’d be like, least I’m gonna we’re gonna have sex that many times but the idea is, you don’t want to have to like, put it off too far in the future, right?

But a few tries for sure is definitely perfectly acceptable to ask for. I would say also, number four, don’t be afraid to study, read books, watch videos, and hire a coach. If it’s been a while and you’re not sure what to do. You’re not sure what men like or what they want. Dive into my YouTube channel, Kevin and Céline. There are almost 800 videos now covering almost every topic on sex, love, and relationships. Listen to this show. This is episode 304. So these 304 episodes, covering again, pretty much everything there is to know about sex, love, and relationships. So do that and you know, there’s plenty of other people out there doing great work also.

I’m not going to mention any of their names. But there are a few other people in this industry that I really like that I wouldn’t say I follow them, because I don’t want to be accused of stealing any of their work or information, but I keep an eye on what they’re doing. I see generally what they’re up to. There are some other great people out there. There’s a bunch of people out there who are not so good either. But there are some really good people out there, go find their content, find their stuff, and just study it, right? And then hire a coach, if you need to hire a coach, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that have this discussion all the time, people will hire, you know, somebody to come clean their house, and they’ll, they’ll hire exercise coaches and physical therapy coaches, and business coaches, and, you know, personal development coaches, and all this kind of stuff.

But when it comes to their sex life, they’re like, oh, I don’t want to hire a coach. And it’s like, why not? Sex is such a huge part of our lives. It is such an important part of our lives. Don’t you want to be good at it? Don’t you want to get rid of any fear or shame that you might have around your performance or what to do? Yeah, if you need it, go out and hire a coach. And you know that I work with men, women, and couples. You know, early on, when Céline and I were doing work together, I was only working with men and couples along with her. I am now have been expanding into working with women. If you have seen anything in my social media, I’ve been also working with another YouTube channel called Magnetize Your Man, they’re good friends of mine. So I’m happy to promote them here. Their channel focused on women. So I’ve been doing a lot of coaching with women now, both through Magnetize Your Man and also on my own. So you can check that out. There’s a whole page on my website about sex and relationship coaching for women. But you don’t have to work with me just find somebody you resonate with.

The idea is, if you’re really worried about it, just go out and seek the help that you need. Number five, be open to trying new things. Right. So if you haven’t had sex in 20 years, maybe what you were doing 20 years ago doesn’t work for you now, because your body is different, right? What you want is different. So don’t be so tied to the way that you used to do things. Be open to the fact that you might like something you didn’t like before or some of the ways you used to do things don’t work for you anymore. And experiment, try different stuff. See what works for you now in this moment. And then lastly, number six, find out what your partner likes. What does your partner actually like? Too many people just kind of wing it. And they don’t ask questions. They don’t have open conversations about sex and what each other likes. And so they’re kind of fumbling around just guessing and trying stuff. And Whew, that didn’t work or and that was so so or Oh, that one he like, right. Just have some great conversations about sex and around what they want sex to be, how they would like it to go, and what types of sexual acts they actually like. And that can be great foreplay to and you’re getting to know this person. And you’re getting to find out not only what they like, but what they don’t like, possibly what their deal breakers are. So it’s another great way to get to know somebody. So there you go. That is some advice on what to do if you haven’t had sex in a long time. In general, just don’t get too stressed about it. Don’t overthink it in your head, you will be just fine. Take it slowly, and have good communication with your partner, where you set really appropriate expectations. And just be open to experimenting and having fun with it.

Remember, sex is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to bring joy and good vibes and sensations and it’s just, it’s really supposed to make everything better. And I think too many times we as humans, put too much. Expect expectations on it. We create too much drama around it and we make it something that then becomes stressful, as opposed to something that really should be helping us relieve our stress and connecting us more with our partner bringing us closer together and creating more love and joy. So all right. Number two the second question. By far my biggest challenge in the bedroom is When it comes to being confident about my body, anything you can help me with as far as being more confident, do men really not care as much what you look like as they get older? This is a great question. And, you know, I’m going to talk a little bit about men in general. And then I’m gonna talk a little bit about men in general, as we age, as I am getting older, I can absolutely tell you that things are shifting as far as what I like and what I want. So I will definitely give you that.

But first, I will say this. If you’re not happy with your body, and where it’s at, the best thing I can suggest, is that you make an action plan to do something about it. The overwhelming majority of things that we don’t like about our bodies, we can fix, we can change, and it doesn’t matter how old you are, you might say, Well, I’m too old for that, you know, this is just what happens when you get old, you’re put on all these extra pounds, and there’s nothing you can do about it. But that’s not true. Anybody can lose weight, there are plenty of examples of people in their 60s 70s 80s, and hundreds, who are lean and fit. They’re not necessarily freaks of nature or genetically gifted. They just kept with the healthy lifestyle, eating well and exercising and taking care of themselves, minimizing their stress all of that for their whole life. And so they’ve managed to stay like that. So that’s the first thing is just, if you look in the mirror, and you’re like, Man, I don’t, my, my stomach is too big, or my butt’s too fat, or there’s too much cellulite, or there’s, you know, whatever it is, just make a plan and say, Okay, I am not happy with the way I look, I don’t feel comfortable when I’m naked. What can I do about that, alright, I’m going to start by eating a little bit healthier, I’m going to start by doing maybe just a little bit more exercise than I normally do. Maybe I’m going to take a little bit more time for self-care and grooming and get some services done and maximize what I do have now do what you can to do the best you can with your body. I mean, look, there are some things we can’t change, I always wanted to be six feet tall, I’m not six feet tall, there’s nothing I can do about that, right? But I can make the best of how tall I am.

And, you know, that’s just one example. You know, there’s lots of examples that you could potentially give, maybe, maybe you want it to be, you know, six feet tall, and 220 pounds of just pure ripped muscle, but that’s just not how your body’s designed. Right? Okay. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t still be whatever height you are, you can still be five foot 10, and you know, 160 pounds of lean muscle and you know, still look good, right? And it’s maybe not quite the ideal that you were, you know, hoping you’d be born with, but you can still do it. So just make a plan. Now, with that, I will also say, learn to love the things about you that you can’t change. Like I said, I’ll never be six feet tall. If I sit there and beat myself up over and over again about not being six feet tall. Like how is that going to help me? How is that going to do any good? So you just have to learn to love the fact that there are some things about you that you just you can’t physically change. And that’s okay. And learn to see the beauty in that, you know, there are sports that I have done, where being a little bit shorter than six feet tall was actually a benefit.

You know, sometimes being talking can be an asset and rock climbing, and sometimes it can actually be a detriment. And so there are a lot of times where like trying to, you know, do a particular boulder problem or start to a route or, or crawl through, you know, an off with crack or something where like, big guys just simply couldn’t fit in there. Right. And so for me, I’d be like, well, that’s kind of cool. You know, like, I couldn’t even do this if I were that big and I love this kind of climbing right? So, yeah, there’s, there’s definitely advantages to every you know, size, shape, whatever and find the things that are the advantages to the things that you can’t change and just learn, learn to love them that that’s really the best. The best thing I can say about that. Now, if you want a little help doing all of this, I would also suggest go to a nude beach or a nudist resort. If you’ve never done so, before, you will probably be really surprised. Because you know a lot of people look at themselves in the mirror if you’re if you don’t see a lot of people naked on a regular basis, which most people don’t, let’s be honest, but you know, you might if you go to you know, nude beaches on a regular basis or you go to nudist resorts great, you’re gonna see a lot of naked people.

Maybe if you frequent the gym and you’re in the locker room, often, maybe you’ll see a few more negative you but in general, most people don’t see a lot of other people naked, see them with clothes on, where people are deliberately hiding things and tightening things and you know, whatever. They look at the actors and actresses on TV and in movies, they look at the magazine covers and all that. And they get this really unrealistic view of what the average human naked body looks like. And so the beauty of going to a nude beach or a nudist resort is you get to see it all and you get to see it. In reality, like real reality. If you have this idea that at a nude beach or a nudist resort, everybody is, you know, thin and fit and perfect boobs and perfect asses and you know, huge penises. absolutely not true. It’s like any other, you know, a subset of, you know, the human race, you’ve got everything from really overweight, to really skinny to really big boobs to almost no boobs, to huge penises to tiny penises, you can barely see like everything everywhere, cellulite, and of course, there are some people that are really fit. And it’s just, it’s the whole broad range. But once you get to see that you might go, oh, oh, I’m not so different. Right? Oh, actually, I might be pretty much in the normal range, right? So it’s a great way to sort of get a new perspective on your own body and where you’re at, by seeing Oh, wow, okay, yeah, I see, I’m not that different arm not as you know, whatever, as I thought I was.

Let’s see a couple more here on this list, I’m kind of going out of order, I got five things to talk about on this one, and I’m kind of bouncing around. But I would also say, ask your partner for reassurance, if you need it. If somebody’s choosing to be with you, especially if they chose to be with you, exactly as you are now, in other words, sometimes people get together and, you know, they’re, they’re younger, and they’re really lean, and, you know, whatever, they, they’re taking good care of themselves. And then later on down the lines, somebody lets themselves go and their partner might not be super happy about that. But, you know, if you’re dating or you’re just getting together with somebody now, and they liked you enough, as you are now in order to actually want to be with you, then you know, ask them for some reassurance. Obviously, they like who you are, and how you are now, or they wouldn’t choose to be with you. But you’re probably making up a bunch of stories in your head about what they’re actually thinking. A lot of which probably isn’t accurate. So it would be okay to ask them, like, you know, are you actually attracted to me? Is how I am now. Okay. You know, if you are up or open for, you could potentially say is there something that you know, you would like to see me change? That’s a possibility.

But the idea, the basic idea is to just ask for reassurance likely, you’ll get something, you know, feedback from your partner that’s like, I love you just the way you are, or it’s perfectly fine. You don’t need to change anything, right? And that could be a huge relief for you if you were making up a lot of stories in your head. And then to address your last part of the question, which is do men really not care as much about what you look like as they get older? I would say yes, that is true. You know, when we’re younger as men, we’re definitely always drawn to, you know, whatever our version of Beauty is, and that does vary from man to man. And we’re willing when we’re younger, often to put up with a woman whose personality maybe isn’t that great, but she’s hot. thought, right? I mean, like, that’s just, it’s just the reality of life. But by doing that we make our own lives a lot harder, because maybe, you know, she might be super hot and might have a perfect body. But, you know, maybe she’s just a complete bitch. I mean, that can happen. You know, maybe she’s emotionally immature, maybe she’s a drama queen. Right?

As we get older. A couple of things change. Number one is we just don’t have tolerance for the bitchiness, the drama, you know, all those things that I just said, like, we don’t want to deal with it. And at a certain point, we’re like, we don’t care how hot she is, if that’s how she’s going to show up in the relationship. Now, if we just want to have sex with her, we might be willing to put up with it for a little bit while we have sex with her, but in a long-term relationship, we’re just not willing to do it anymore. So there’s that. And then we learn as we get older, to see beauty in a lot more ways than just the perfect boobs, or the perfect ass. And so we start to see like, oh, there’s all these other parts of a woman that are really beautiful, also. Right. And so, you know, it’s pretty rare for me to look at any woman at this point, and not be able to find something about her. That’s beautiful. That’s just the reality. So having said that, you know, as I get older, and you know, as I find myself, you know, I haven’t really used this term publicly, ever, I don’t think but as I am a widower, right, and I’m back sort of out there again. You know, I’m seeing things differently, because I’m older now. And I’m really out there thinking, you know, what’s most important to me? Is compatibility, personality, emotional maturity, or what we call EQ. You know, how does she show up? How do we relate to that kind of stuff is far more important to me nowadays than actual looks, now, I value health and fitness, I stay active and fit myself, and I eat healthy. So those are, those are core values that are important to me.

So obviously, anybody I’m going to be attracted to is going to share those core values. So the chances are, she’s probably going to look good also. But I’m not focusing on that primarily. Now, I know that I’m speaking right now about myself and my preferences and how I’ve changed as I’ve gotten older, but I do see similar things. with other men, I do coach a fair amount of men, they’re not all young. They’re all age ranges all over the place. And it is something that I see men start to look for other qualities, more so than just looks. And you know, you have to keep in mind also, like, you know, okay, let’s say you are a little bit overweight, there might be a guy who’s an amazing guy who’s a little bit overweight, too, who doesn’t care that you’re overweight, and you’re like a perfect match for each other. Like that kind of stuff. Absolutely happens. Selena and I had a friend who was a very eccentric friend, I think we’ve mentioned this on the show in the past, is a very eccentric person. And, you know, he, we’ve known him for a long time, he was married at one point and then not and then had a bunch of different lovers, girlfriends, whatever.

And then he met this woman who was just absolutely perfect. All the kinds of kink in weirdness that he loved. She was absolutely 100% Fuck yes to all of it. And I remember when they got together Céline And I looked at each other and said, man, if he could find somebody who’s a perfect match for him, there is somebody for everyone there absolutely is like, yeah, so I say that because no matter where you’re at, in your confidence about your body, there’s somebody out there, that’s a good match for where you are. Now, I still suggest that if you really want to be confident about your body, just look at whatever do you think is not right and formulate a plan to fix it. And there are tons of resources and help out there to help you do it. And then of course, the things that maybe you can’t change. Just learn to love them. Find the positives and then make the most out of them that you can.

And, yeah, I think that’s really a great action plan. Now, I will say also, don’t think that you have to wait to date until you’ve achieved your end goal. Just start working on it now get out there dating and just, you know, keep doing it. In other words, sometimes people say, Well, I’m not, I’m not happy with where I’m at. And, okay, I’m actually going to take steps, I’m going to formulate a plan, I’m going to do all this. And then once I lose 50 pounds, or once I do, or once i, then I’ll finally put myself out there. And I would say, you don’t need to wait for that. Put yourself out there. Now as it is, and do all of those things that you want to do to feel the best you can about yourself. And no matter what happens when finding a partner, you will become a better person. And that confidence that you gain from making these changes to your body will then also affect the rest of your life, you’ll wind up noticing that you’re more confident in your job, you’re more confident in your interactions with random strangers or friends or even family members. You’ll notice you’ll start carrying yourself differently when you’re out in public. So there are so many benefits to that that extend far, far further than just attracting a mate. All right, there you go. That is number two, I have two more than I want to cover. We’re halfway through the show. So I am going to pause for a break.

Are you a couple are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there changes you would like to make but just don’t know how? Maybe you think there’s nothing that can be done. If you’re not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/sex-coaching-couples/, and schedule a strategy call with me today. So we can map out a strategy to get you where you want to be. So you can have it all your way. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/sex-coaching-couples/ and book your strategy call today. That link is in the description. Don’t worry about the fact that it’s long, you don’t have to remember it, just click on it. That, of course, is my couples coaching program. I love the couple’s coaching program, I love all the coaching that I do. This is like my calling in life, I just really love doing it. And I happen to think I’m pretty good at it. The feedback that comes in says I am also so that’s helpful and reassuring. But what I really love about coaching couples is that I get to work with both ends. So if I’m just coaching a woman, I can, you know, guide her and help her but, you know, there’s probably stuff that her man needs help with. And I don’t get to work with him necessarily. And vice versa. When I’m working with a man, there’s a lot I can help him with. But there are always some things that his partner is probably doing or not doing that there’s not much I can do about because I’m not working with her. So when I work with couples, I really love the opportunity to work on both halves of the hole that is a couple at the same time. And it’s really amazing work. So check that out.

Okay, number three, I want to open up to my partner, but she is not willing to explore new positions. Any advice? Okay, when a partner is not willing to really explore, and that can be anything, it could be new positions or new sex acts in general, toys, whatever it is. There are a couple of questions I always have to ask the number one question, of course, is and you’ve heard me say this on the show probably many times what is in the way? So I always have to ask that question what is in the way if somebody’s not willing to explore there’s something blocking their desire for exploration. It’s not always easy to find. It’s usually best to work with a coach or therapist or somebody that can kind of help you unravel what’s in the way. But sometimes it’s trauma. Sometimes it’s past sexual explorations that didn’t go well. It could be sexual abuse, there’s lots of stuff that could potentially get in the way there could be insecurities, you know, with women, and you’re you’re specifically saying here in this question, exploring new positions. Well, we just talked in the previous listener question that I answered about, you know, women and how they feel about their boss. It is sometimes a woman doesn’t want to do a particular sex position because she’s worried about how her body will look when she’s in it. And this is no joke. Right?

So finding out what is in the way, what is preventing her from wanting to step outside of maybe the little neat little box that she has created for her sex life. The second really important question that needs to be asked here is, is she getting the kind of sex that she wants? I have seen this happen more times than I can count. I have seen women. You know, I had a woman once who was like, I don’t like to give blowjobs and I absolutely do not swallow. That was like, right from the beginning. set that expectation? Don’t like giving blowjobs don’t swallow? No, I was like, Okay. We’ll see. We’ll see how this goes. I do love receiving blowjobs. I don’t care so much if you swallow, but, you know, I do love blow jobs. So we’ll see. Never pressured her at all, never even asked her to do it. But when she started getting the kind of sex that she really wanted and when she saw that I was showing up giving her a lot of oral sex all the time, just because I liked doing it. When she started having, you know, literally mind-blowing orgasms all the time. All of a sudden, I started noticing, she just is going for it and gave me blow jobs all the time when I wasn’t asking. Right? And I was like, Okay, this is cool. I like this.

Then she started swallowing and asking for it. And it was like, Oh, she didn’t like doing it. Because it was always a demand from previous men. And it was like, give me this, give me that do this, do that. But then she would never get what she needed in return. And so it was always feeling very one way. And once she started getting the kind of sex she wanted, once she started receiving, you know, and having her cup filled, suddenly she was like, I want to give back. Right? And I’ve seen that happen so many times. So you know, if she’s not willing to explore, I gotta tell you, you got to look in the mirror, you gotta be honest with yourself, ask the tough questions. Is she really getting the kind of sex that she wants the kind of sex that turns her into a ravenous sex goddess? Who is craving your cock? She should be. And if you’re if you’re, if you’re doing her right, she will become that. So that is another important question that I would ask. So additional pieces of advice would be start with small explorations. So you know, let’s say she only really likes the missionary position when you’re on top. And she doesn’t want to do I don’t want to do doggy or I don’t want to do side or you know, just start with a small exploration say, Hey, honey, what if we just put a pillow under your butt still missionary position, we’re just changing the angle of your hips. Let me know how that feels for you. You might like it even better, right?

So start with small explorations and see how they go. And maybe you can start to gradually work up to bigger explorations. And if you try to go right from, you know, the neat little box of here’s, here’s what I know how to do. Here’s where I feel comfortable, and try to jump away outside that box. Not likely to work well. So, yeah, start with small explorations. Number four is be patient. Don’t push too hard. Except her for where she’s at in that moment. And hopefully, if she’s getting the kind of sex she wants, and you’re kind of doing sort of small explorations little by little over time, you’ll start to see it trending in the right direction. She’ll start to open up and potentially want to maybe try something new. Something that comes from her suggestion as opposed to yours.

And the last piece of advice I have on that one is you got to make sure that you’re really creating a lot of safety and trust in the relationship. That is super, super important. I have done an entire episode, actually, Celine and I did an entire episode on safety and what safety really means. So please, please go listen to that episode. It is really an amazing and important episode when it comes to understanding what women need as far as safety, what they need to really open up and be fully expressed sexually. And I think I also did an entire episode on trust, that’s another big one. So if she feels really safe, and she absolutely trusts you, and she’s getting the kind of sex that just, she absolutely craves and blows her mind. And you’ve solved whatever potential mental emotional issues are in the way, she should then absolutely be open to exploring new positions, or toys, or whatever, in the sexual realm. So that would be my advice on that one. You know, I’d also add that it’s not actually on my my list of notes here. But I would also add to that, like, just make sure that there’s no pressure expectations, like, it’s like, hey, we’ll try this. And if you don’t like it, or if it doesn’t work out, we will do it again. And you know, if it totally fails, for both of us, let’s just laugh about it, like take the pressure and the expectation off of it. That also makes things a whole lot easier.

All right. Very last question for this episode. Right now, the number one challenge with my love life. And I know this sounds selfish is not having sex on any sort of a regular basis. Okay. This is a challenge I hear from a lot of men is probably the number one complaint for men when it comes to sex, which is I’m not getting enough sex. All right, fair enough. What can we do about it? Number one, I would ask are you initiating sex or at least attempting to initiate sex? Now, generally speaking, men do tend to want to initiate sex more often. However, what a trend that I have seen in the last few years especially post me too, even if you’re in a committed relationship, or you’re married. Men are now in this place where they’re somewhat afraid to ask for sex. And so if you’re not taking the initiative to initiate sex, well, depending on your woman, and where she’s at, she may not take the initiative to initiate in which case, you’re not initiating, she’s not initiating, there’s no sex happening. Right?

So take a look at where you’re at. Are you in a place of, you know, afraid to initiate, you know, sometimes it could be you’ve attempted to initiate so many times. And she said no, so many times that now you’re not even attempting. So basically, figuring out how you can from what I would call the integrated and masculine framework of, you know, being both a strong masculine but also being emotionally mature and being able to access your feelings. How can you come from that integrated place, and initiate sex in a healthy way? That doesn’t feel needy or complaining or anything like that? Okay, that’s the first piece. The second thing is is okay, if you are initiating what, what kind of response are you getting? Are you’re getting “not tonight”? I have a headache? Or are you getting, I don’t know, I’m too tired? What is the response that you’re getting? Are you getting that? All you ever want is sex, right? Figuring out? What this leads me to the number three thing on the list is figuring out what’s in the way very similar to the previous question, what is in the way and the responses that you get when you do try to initiate sex will start to clue you in potentially, to what is in the way. And if those responses aren’t cluing you into what is in the way, then you have to figure out what is in the way because something is in the way.

Now, it could potentially be that you just have very mismatched sex drives. And that happens. If that’s the case, though. You have to be honest with each other and you have to figure out a solution that allows you both to have your needs met it is not fair to be in a relationship and say Well, I just don’t want that much sex. So therefore, you’re just not going to have that much sex because we’re a couple and there’s nothing you can do about it. And I control you know how much sex you get, like, that’s really not fair. So you have to, you have to figure out, okay, maybe it’s you allow porn use or maybe it’s, you don’t, you know, maybe have intercourse sex, but you know, you can sexually pleasure your partner and other ways that don’t require you to, you know, get turned on or get wet, or whatever it is. It could even be as far as, hey, we’re committed to being a couple and being together, I don’t really want sex very often, but you want it all the time. So I allow you to have lovers outside, right? Maybe if you’re in a place where there’s legal prostitution, where it’s relatively safe, and the women are tested, and you’re not breaking the law in any way, maybe you have an agreement that allows you to go visit, you know that from time to time.

So there are ways to handle the mismatched libido. In fact, it’s interesting. I was at a gathering this weekend. And I ran into an old friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time and found out that he was now married to this woman. And when I was talking with somebody else about it, they were like, Oh, well, you know that she’s a sex worker, right? And I was like, Oh, I actually didn’t know that I don’t, that’s a broad term, it can mean a lot of different things. Not sure exactly what it means in this case. But what the person was saying to me was like, well actually works really well for them, because he doesn’t have a very strong sex drive. And she does, right? So that’s, I know, it’s like a super extreme example, you’re not likely to run into that example. But you know, when you’re in this business, you’re traveling interesting circles, and you meet interesting people, but that works for them. And that’s an agreement they have. So there is a possibility that there could be a mismatch in libido, so then you work together to figure out how you can make it work for both of you without holding one person sort of hostage, so to speak. So we want to try to find out what’s in the way.

And then the same question that, you know, I had the listener ask himself in the previous question, but you know, is she getting the kind of sex that she wants, this is something that I see all the time, women who are just really not that interested in sex when they finally start getting the kind of sex that they want. Not only are they interested, but they become these ravenous sex goddesses, especially if they really have never gotten that kind of sex, like, once they realize like, oh, my god, that was amazing. I can’t I’m like, shuttering, you know, like shaking all curled up, you know, on the floor after that, and I can’t move, I can’t get up and walk across the floor. Like my legs are weak, like, an altered state of consciousness. Like, once they start having that kind of sex, they generally want it more often.

The problem is, and you see this a lot, or at least I see this a lot is, and I’ve talked about this on the show, many times, the average guy, depending on which study, you read, either lasts three to five minutes, or five to seven minutes, it takes the average woman 20 to 30 minutes to achieve orgasm. That is actually on the short side for most women. It could be 40 minutes or an hour, it’s nowhere near the length of sex that most people have is nowhere near the amount of time that a woman really needs to be satisfied. Throw on top of that, that most men do not do a lot of foreplay. So they’re not getting the women properly warmed up. So it’s like super short, foreplay, you know, insert penis and vagina five minutes later, he ejaculates sex is over. And it’s like, Well, why would she be interested in more? When that’s the kind of sex that she’s getting? It doesn’t really do a whole lot for her. She doesn’t even have an opportunity to get turned on yet. And you’re done. Right? So you really got to ask yourself, what kind of sex is she getting?

And if what I’m describing as the sex that most people have, if you’re anywhere near that and she doesn’t want sex, the very first thing I would do is learn how to become a sexual master. Learn how to show up as an absolute, you know, masculine sexual master who has control over his ejaculation and can take her to places no other man has ever taken her to before. And if she’s still in that, I only want sex once a month, and you show up and actually rock her world like that. She’s gonna look at you Go. Where did that come from? And I want more. Right? So, yeah, is she getting the kind of sex that she really wants, because if she is, she’s most likely going to want more. And then the last one is to make sure that you’re both making sex a priority. Another thing that I can often see when working with couples is that one or both partners are not making sex a priority. And so it’s not happening. Now, if you combine that with you, you’re not making it a priority, neither of you is initiating. You’ve got, you know, mental emotional stuff in the way and the sexes and all that good to begin with, Well, no wonder you’re not getting a lot of sex. And no wonder your partner’s not that interested. Right?

So that’s kind of that’s kind of the the deadly combination, you got all of those things going on, you got a lot of work to do, but know that it is possible to fix all of those things and turn it all around. Much like I said in the previous question, be patient, and create safety and trust. And yeah, just work on it little, little by little keep making constant improvements. And if you’re really doing that, you should see your partner responding and wanting more and more sex. All right, there you go. There are four listener questions answered as best I can, and roughly 15 ish minutes apiece. I hope you found that valuable. You know, I like doing these listener-question episodes. Because I really appreciate when you ask questions, that means that you’re interested, you’re listening to my content, and you value the advice that I have to share.

So I appreciate that. And I know, I know that for every person who asks me a question, there are hundreds or even 1000s of people out there who are experiencing the exact same issues. And so by answering these questions for an individual, I hope to also in turn answer them for a whole lot more of you out there. So yeah, there you go. And as always, if you’re struggling with any of these things, and you just don’t know how to go out on your own, then please check out my website, Kevin and Céline dot com, and schedule a call with me. And we’ll do a strategy call. We’ll figure out where you’re at, we’ll figure out where you want to go. And we can map out a plan to get you there. Life is too short, to not have great sex. So do what you got to do to have great sex. The great sex will then in turn impact your relationship in a positive way and every other aspect of your life. All right, everybody. That’s all I have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

I hope you like this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends. And for more free exclusive content. Join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening. And remember, as Céline used to say you’re amazing!