Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, the place to be for honest and real talk about relationships and sex, whether you’re a man or a woman, single or a couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to help you have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life.

All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 349 and it is titled, why finding a good man or a good woman is more important than looks, and how to do it. The idea for this episode comes from clients, as most of my episode ideas come from, and it’s really interesting because I have watched clients, usually when they’re single and dating, sort of battle with this idea of, well, I met this amazing person, man, woman, whatever, but he or she doesn’t look like this, or isn’t the same type that I’m usually attracted to, or doesn’t have big boobs or, you know, isn’t tall enough, whatever it is, and they often will overlook some really positive traits, some things that are really, really good about this person, because they don’t meet certain physical criteria that they have.

But I always think that’s a shame, because looks don’t last forever, and we’re going to get into that a little bit more, but the superficial traits that people usually go for when selecting a partner generally don’t last. And if you’ve chosen a partner based on those superficial traits, and they don’t last, what happens when those traits are gone, whether it’s looks, money, whatever, generally, the relationship winds up ending as well. So if you’re looking for a long-term, stable, healthy relationship, you’ve got to go deeper than just those things. So that’s what we’re going to talk about in this episode today. I have a list of the wrong reasons to choose a partner. I have a list of general traits that both men and women should be looking for in their partners. I have a list of some things that are specific traits that a man would be looking for in a woman, and I have a list of specific traits that a woman would be looking for in a man.

So we’re gonna cover all that today. And my goal, really, with this episode, is to try to help people who are single and dating get more clear now, not only what they want, but also what is most important. Because I think if they make better decisions from the beginning, they have a much better chance of success long term. So that’s what we’re going to do today.

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Okay, let’s start today with the wrong reasons to choose a partner. Now, there could be a really long list of wrong reasons to choose a partner. However, I’m going to give you some of the top reasons that people choose partners that I personally think are the wrong reasons, number one, and as the title stated, they’re looks. You shouldn’t choose a partner based solely on looks. Now, am I saying that looks are not a factor at all, that you shouldn’t care at all what your partner looks like? No, that is not what I’m saying. That would be completely and totally unrealistic. There needs to be at least some level of attraction there, physically. If you look at your partner and you are physically repulsed by them, that’s not likely to change, and that’s going to cause problems. So I’m not saying to completely ignore looks. However, what I am saying is don’t make them the focus of why you’re choosing this person.

Because, as I’m sure most of you who’ve dated for any length of time know, you can choose people who meet your criteria perfectly in the looks department, but just make terrible partners for you, right? So, of course, as I also alluded to at the beginning of this, looks don’t last forever. You know, we all would like to think that we’re going to look young and handsome or beautiful or perfect or whatever, forever, and that’s just simply not the case. That’s just not the way life works. We all age, things change, things that we don’t want to change change, no matter how good a job we do at being healthy, eating, right? You know, avoiding things that are bad for us, exercising time still has a way of changing us in ways that we would prefer we not change. I so it simply doesn’t last, right? And as I said earlier, a few minutes ago, that you know, if you start a relationship based solely on, you know, this person’s really hot, and I’m really attracted to them physically, and there isn’t anything else behind that. Eventually, when the looks start to change, that’s going to be a big problem in the relationship.

And honestly, if you’re young and you get into a relationship with somebody just because of their looks, it probably won’t even make it to the point where the looks fade, because at some point you’re going to be so tired of the shallowness, right? You’re going to want to go deeper, and it’s just not going to happen. There’s probably likely going to be a whole bunch of other things wrong in the relationship that will eventually cause you to go, you know what? I don’t care how hot he or she is. I’m out of here, right? So looks are not a good reason to choose now, obviously one of the things that propels us to, you know, click on that image in online dating or approach somebody in public, is that initial attraction via looks. That’s a great way to start, but not a reason to choose your partner.

Number two, the sex is good. Oh, man, have I seen this one before, where people are in these just, I mean, abusive relationships, is a great way to put it. Relationships where really nothing else is working, but the person doesn’t want to leave it because, wow, but the sex is really good, and I don’t want to give that up. It’s like, oh my. I mean, yes, great sex is amazing, and I can understand the draw, but definitely not worth staying in a bad relationship, or worse yet, an abusive relationship. So, not a good reason to choose your partner. Now, is sex an important component of a long-term healthy relationship? Absolutely, we will talk about that later on in the show. But it’s not the reason to choose your partner. It is one of a mix of potential reasons. All right, next one is money. Yeah, this is a pretty obvious one. Money is a terrible reason to choose your partner.

I mean, honestly, I don’t think I really need to explain that one. But then again, I’ve been working with a client recently who, fortunately, is not in a relationship currently because of money, but has had a past history of choosing partners because of money, and not only did they not work out, but some of them were abusive, and there are things that happened in those relationships that are now regrets later in life. So, money is really not a good reason to choose a partner. And you know, there is this reality that the society that we live in does require money, and it requires a significant amount of it these days just to survive. So I can understand why somebody would, you know, choose somebody who has money. But I think that even if you don’t have a lot of money, when you get together in a relationship, if you’re a good match and you’re really supporting each other to be the best versions of yourselves that you can be, the money will come, right?

So when we get to what are some of the other traits that you’re looking for in your partner? If those traits are there, but the money’s not there yet, it will be. So I would say, don’t worry about that too much. All right. The next reason not to choose a partner is status, because he or she is in a particular social class. And the reality is, we do still have social classes. People, whether you want to admit it or not, there is a social class system. The last few years should have made that abundantly clear. When you see that there are rules that only apply to certain people, not other people, you get a real clear picture that there is a social class system alive and well in this country and every other country as well. So yeah, status. It could be the job title they have, it could be the social class that they’re in. It could be how they’re viewed in a particular community, whatever. Never a good reason to choose somebody. It’s superficial. These things potentially come and go. It’s just it’s not a foundation for a solid relationship.

Next on the list. What other people think. Oh, man, you see this too, right? Somebody’s dating somebody because, well, everybody loves that person. Everybody thinks that person is amazing. If I date that person, they’re gonna think I’m amazing also, and my status is instantly gonna go up because I’m with that person, another terrible reason to choose a partner. And last one on my list is what your parents want. We see this less so these days, but it still happens from time to time where, you know, the parents put a lot of pressure on somebody to date a specific person. Now I will say that historically, cultures have put a lot more emphasis on the opinion of the parents, and in some ways that actually was a good thing because they were able to see more objectively, and in some ways that was a terrible thing because they did it For reasons like preserving wealth and transferring land and all kinds of other reasons, which, you know made sense as business deals, but but were horrible for healthy relationships. So I understand that. You know, sometimes there is value.

You know, if you are a parent and your children are older now, and you’ve watched them go through the dating phase. How many times have you seen them date somebody that they were absolutely in love with, and you were like, this person is all wrong for them. This is going to end horribly, but there’s nothing I can do about it, so I just have to watch it play out, and then it plays out exactly the way you thought it would. So, you know, there is some value in a more neutral, not completely neutral, but a more neutral point of view in being able to assess those things. However, what you don’t want is to choose this person simply because your parents think that, you know, this is the right person, because they’re they have the right money, or they have the right social status, or, you know, what people will think, right? Anything like that. You have to make your own decision about who is right for you, and you have to do so as objectively as you can. And the only way you can really do that is if you get really clear on what it is that you want and what it is that you need. So the more developed you become as an individual, the easier it is for you to choose the right person for yourself.

So those are some reasons, some wrong reasons to choose a partner, or reasons why you shouldn’t choose a partner. Let’s talk about what types of things you should be looking for in a partner. So this is where we get to the list of what I call sort of general traits, in the sense that it doesn’t matter if you are looking for a female partner or a male partner, you should be looking for that person to possess these traits. And these are really, really important. Okay, number one common values I have had at this point, I’ve lost count how many Marriage and Family Therapists I’ve had on licensed clinical social workers, counselors, and coaches. You know, people who, like myself, have dedicated their lives to helping couples and people with relationships, and it always comes down to common values. In fact, I had a woman on my show. I can’t remember her name right now, but she was a divorce attorney who ended up writing a book on this, and she was basically after years and years and years of going through divorces, she had amassed a list of the major reasons why people get divorced, and then she decided to take that list and say, I’m going to flip this around and I’m going to say, if I know the main reasons why couples get divorced, let’s flip that around and Then show couples what needs to be there right in order to not end up divorced down the road.

I thought it was a great interview. Go look for that when it was something along the lines of relationship advice from a divorce attorney or something like that. If you just search in the podcast platform, on my website, or on YouTube, you’ll find it. And one of the biggest ones for her, and in her book, was common values. So what do I mean by common values, like core values, how you see the world, right? What is the frame through which you see the world, as you know, is a core value for you. Being a good person is a core value, doing what’s right, even though it’s difficult, right? Things like that, these sorts of fundamental values, these things that guide the way you see the world and the way you show up in the world, they need to be similar. Do they have to be exactly the same? No, but they should be relatively similar, right?

So, if you have a belief that you know you should always do what’s right, like, that’s a core value of yours. Like, I believe we should always act with integrity and do what’s right, which hopefully you do have that. But not everybody does right, because there are other people in the world who believe that, hey, you know what, as long as I can get away with it, it’s all good. And if nobody knows, and you know, if I can get my piece, my share, even if it’s at somebody else’s expense. Well, you know, all is good then, right? Like some people believe that, so obviously that would not be a shared value if you both had those two different opposing viewpoints. And you know sometimes when, I mean. That’s kind of an extreme example, but sometimes people will look at common values and they’ll say, Well, I know we don’t have that in alignment, but it’s really not that big a deal.

Unfortunately, over time, it becomes a bigger and bigger deal, and it generally erodes the relationship, because every time somebody doesn’t do what’s right, even if you profit or benefit from it, in some way, there’s this like, pain sort of inside of you that, like, I wish he or she wouldn’t have done that. That really wasn’t good, or now I’m embarrassed. My friends know he did that, right? It just it builds and it gets worse and worse the longer you’re in that type of relationship. So common values is a big one. Common religious beliefs, you need to at least be relatively aligned there. Now you can have differences in religion. Yeah, as long as you again, the sort of core fundamental beliefs of your different religions are similar. So for instance, like to choose another extreme example, one that can be difficult to navigate is when you have somebody in a relationship who is religious and believes in a god and believes in an afterlife, and that what you do here in this life has consequences later on down the road, if you, if you’re that person, and you’re in a relationship with, say, somebody who is an atheist, but not just an atheist. Some atheists basically believe that, you know, this is all that there is in this world, and nothing you do has any consequences past, you know this physical realm.

So you know, if they are in that place, then it’s going to be tough. That’s going to be a really difficult relationship to handle, because each of you is going to make decisions that the other one just doesn’t really understand. And doesn’t agree with, and even further than that, you might have a real problem with, so it’s not so much that you have to have the exact same religion, but you have to have at least the shared values that those religions believe, right? So you know, if one religion you know, believes in, say, marriage, and another religion believes in polygamy, like that, could be a problem. That could be a real deal breaker in a relationship. So you gotta at least be somewhat close in your religious beliefs. And what’s interesting is I’ve been seeing this a lot more in recent years, and I think it has a lot to do with the mass immigration that’s happened throughout the West. There are people from vastly different cultures showing up in Western countries, and I’m seeing people date each other, and I there’s nothing wrong with that, that’s that’s fine, but what I’m seeing is because the differences in religious beliefs are so big that people are struggling in these relationships, and they’re often compromising their own core values to try to make the relationship work. And honestly, I have not seen those situations work out well at all. So it’s important that you be at least reasonably aligned in that area.

Next on the list are similar interests. This is pretty obvious. You need to have some similar interests. And I do see this too. I see I see relationships where both people have completely different interests, and they’re always off pursuing their own interests. And when you really think about it, how much time you put into work, and then how much time you put into just daily life, things that need to happen, cleaning, fixing things, grocery shopping, running errands, taking care of the kids, like that kind of stuff. You don’t have a lot of time left, and with the time you do have left if you spend it always off. You know, playing golf, and you know your partner doesn’t play golf, or, you know, whatever your thing is, you could pick a lot of different things. What that really means is you’re not giving enough time and attention to your relationship, and eventually that will erode the foundation of your relationship. It just does the best case scenario that happens in those situations is you just kind of become roommates, where you’re just basically sharing the same living space, or just co-parenting. That’s the best-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is that the relationship just doesn’t survive. So, having similar interests means that you will do more things together. You will spend more time together. You will bond over those things.

Now, does that mean that you need to have all your interests in alignment? No, of course, not. In fact, I think it’s very healthy for you each to have, you know, one or two things that are kind of your own, that you go out and do with your girlfriends or your guy friends, right? I think that’s very healthy in a relationship, but you do need to have shared things as well that you do together, that bring you closer, that allow you to spend more time together and bond with each other. So there needs to be at least some similar interests there. Okay, next on the list, your partner should be kind. I mean, that kind of goes without saying, and yet, at the same time, I have worked with people who were in relationships with partners who really were not kind, and it’s like it just blows. My mind, of all people, that you should be kind to, it should be your partner. If you can’t even be kind to the one person that you are supposedly in love with and dedicating your life to, that doesn’t say a whole lot about how you are out in the rest of the world with everybody else. I mean, that’s yeah, this person needs to be kind. I’ve unfortunately seen a lot of people in relationships, and this goes both ways.

The tendency is to immediately think, yeah, oh yeah, I know what you’re talking about. You know, women who stay with these abusive asshole guys, yeah, that’s part of it. But I’ve seen a lot of really nice guys stay in relationships with abusive women. And it’s not necessarily physically abusive, it’s it’s mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive, just nagging and bitching and complaining and just emasculating him day in and day out. So yeah, your partner should be kind. They should also be loving, right? They should have the capacity for deep love in a relationship. One thing that you’ll often see is one partner or another who literally, just for whatever reason, cannot bring themselves to say the words I love you doesn’t mean that they don’t love them, so I don’t want to necessarily say that’s the case. Sometimes it’s just being able to share and voice your emotions, but the idea is that they need to at least have the capacity to experience deep love. Next, share your long-term goals. This one is another one that’s really important.

This is one that a lot of couples, when they’re dating, don’t talk about early on. They don’t talk about it until they’re years down the road, and then they start to realize there are some incompatibilities. So I’m a big fan, and this is something I teach couples that I coach all the time in, you know, I call them check ins, and there’s, you know, immediate check ins, there’s short term goal check ins, long term goal, check ins, there’s, so let’s start from the beginning. So there’s, there’s short-term check-ins, right? Which is like, you know, check in at least once a week. And say, How are you doing? You know, how’s it going for you this week? What do you need? Can I help you? You know, what’s going good for you, what’s not going good for you, right? And you get to share that with each other. Of course, you can do it more often than once a week, but so there’s that. Then there’s, you know, say, doing like a once-a-year check-in, or, actually, I skipped one. There’s like a once-a-month check-in, right?

Then there’s like a once-a-year event where you kind of sit down and go, Okay, let’s review the past year, where have we been? Okay, let’s look forward to the next year. Where do we want to go? Are there adjustments we want to make? Right? And then there’s the, let’s look, say, three years, five years, 10 years into the future. Where do we want to be? And this is what’s really important when you’re dating. I mean, they’re all important but, but the idea is, like, how many people get into a relationship and they don’t talk about these things, and then, like, two years later, down the road, somebody’s like, Well, yeah, I kind of always wished I lived in this other country. And it’s like, whoa. What do you mean? Like, I love where I live, I don’t want to go anywhere, right? Or could even just be another state or another geographic location. That’s one thing, kids, whether or not you want to have kids. I mean, that’s something you’ve got to talk about right from the start.

You know, what type of house would you like to live in? Like, although those sorts of long-term goals, you know, maybe you’re working a job right now that, you know, it’s okay, but it’s not, ultimately, what you really want to do with your life. This is another thing that you would want to share. Like, hey, one of my long-term goals is I’d like to go back to school. I’d like to get a degree and such and such, and then I’d like to start a new career. You know, the other person might be like, Whoa, okay, hold on. Now, I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship with somebody who’s back in school and not working, and we’re struggling and all of that. So these are things that need to be talked about early on. So it’s really important to share your long-term goals. So when we’re talking about general traits that you are looking for, you’re looking for a person who’s able to have those conversations with you, who’s able to talk about things like, here’s what I would like, here’s what I’m thinking about in the future, right? And here’s how I see you and us. Is fitting in together in that future.

So somebody that’s capable of talking about that, sometimes, you’ll see early on, it’s just like people will start to bring these topics up, and the other person will just brush them off and be like, ah, there’s no need to talk about that. Now, why do you what do you care? What do you want to talk about that for now, right? That would be a red flag. The person should be like, Oh, well, let me tell you what what I’m thinking, where I’m currently at, and what I would like in life, right? All right. The next one is that they’re 100% in the relationship. That is something that you want to look for, somebody that you know, once you have agreed to be in a committed relationship, that they’re giving their all to that relationship, that they’re not one foot in one foot out. You know, obviously, people can be one foot in, one foot out for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes it’s because they are not 100% sure of you as a partner, like I’m not sure where they stand, because maybe you’re not 100% in right? But there are lots of other reasons too.

There could be something, you know, maybe they feel that there aren’t enough common values, or that similar interests aren’t there. You have different goals, and they’re hesitating, and they’re sort of on the fence, right? That’s not the type of relationship you really want to be in now, obviously, in the very beginning of a relationship, you might not have that quite figured out yet. So it doesn’t mean bail right from the start. If they’re not 100% in. It takes a little bit of time to get to that point where you’re like, Okay, I feel like we know each other enough. I feel like there’s enough commonality there that, you know, we can commit to each other. And once we do that, then it’s like, okay, if I’m telling you, I’m going to be committed to you, then I’m going to give you everything. I’m going to give you 100%, so that’s something that you want to look for. Okay, before I go on with the rest of this list, I want to take a break for the sponsor. Then, when we come back, I want to finish up this list of general traits, and then we will go into the specific traits for men and women.

Okay, men, are you tired of falling short in the bedroom and in your relationship? Do you want your woman to respect you and crave your cock? Do you want to be the man she secretly brags about to all of her friends? What if you could become this man? What if you could not only master your masculine sexuality but also be the dream man who shows up for his woman in all the ways she desires? What if you could become so irresistible that she becomes addicted to you? If you’re ready to become that man, then go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/men/. And that’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/men/.

And today, today we’re also going to read one for the ladies. Ladies, are you tired of always picking the wrong guy? Does it seem like there just aren’t any good men out there? Are you struggling with your sexuality, or do successful relationships seem like a mystery you can’t quite crack the code on? Then it’s time to get help. Check out my women’s relationship and sex coaching program at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/women/. In this program, we will work on removing sexual shame, becoming confident in your body, learning the sexual secrets that drive him wild, what to really look for in a man when dating, how to break old patterns, like always choosing the wrong guy, and so much more. This is your opportunity to learn everything you have ever wanted to know about men, while also creating real, lasting change in your life. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/women/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/women/.

So today I’m writing an ad for both because this episode really is for both men and women. Usually, I try to tailor the ads to the general audience of the episode. So if it’s an episode about couples, I’ll often read the ad for my couples coaching program. If it’s more geared towards men, I’ll read the men’s and more geared towards women and men, so forth, right? But today I was like, Man, this one really is for men who are looking to create a great relationship and are looking for that right woman, but it’s also for women who are looking for that right man and to create a great relationship. So I just thought I would read something that whoever’s listening, you know, there is a resource out there to help you.

All right, let’s finish our general traits list. Here we left off with they being 100% in the next one on the list is the person who believes that relationships are a team. This is another common thread. This is something that Celine and I, when we were doing this work together. We. Uh, we used to talk about a lot because we really felt like we were a team. In fact, we had a little, a little, you know, name for our team. We called it Team Us, and the US was an acronym, and we just always viewed each other as a team, like we are a team. We are working together. I’m helping her to not only be the best version of herself, but be as successful as she can be, and she’s helping me to not only be the best version of myself, but be as successful as I can be. And together, we’re trying to build that success together as a team as well. And we always saw it that way, and we really started talking about it from that perspective.

And what’s interesting is is over the years, as I’ve had a lot more guests on the show who, like I said, are, you know, psychologists and counselors and therapists and all those things. This is another one of those recurring themes that comes up over and over and over again, which is this idea that you need to be a team. And, you know, just, I always thought it was so cool when it would come up, because I’m like, yes, yes, yes. Like, I just learned that myself through my own personal experience, and realized how valuable it was, and started teaching it to other people. And then I started seeing that all these professionals, you know, basically, are teaching the same thing. So it’s just it is that important your partner needs to believe that you are a team. And when you start getting competitive with each other in a relationship, things do not go well. A little bit of friendly competition here and there in certain areas. Okay, not a problem.

But in general, this is about working together to create the situations that lead you to the successful realization of your short and long-term goals. Okay, next is willing to work on the relationship. This one’s really important. Nobody’s perfect. Everybody’s got their areas, their blind spots, their areas that could use improvements, all of us. We all do, and so you want to find somebody that is willing to work on those things. Sometimes that simply means, like willing to even admit they exist, but then taking it a step further, not just being willing to admit they exist, but also being willing to do something about it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have to instantly fix all those problems, but they do have to take action. They can’t just say, Oh yeah, I get it. Yeah, you’re right. Oh yeah, I’m working on that, but not actually doing anything.

And of course, you should be seeing some improvements as time goes by, but the big thing is, you want to make sure they’re willing to work on the relationship. All right. Next on the list is having good communication skills. This is something that you should be able to figure out pretty much right from the start. So when you are dating somebody, you’re getting to know them, you should be having deeper-level conversations. So, not just surface-level stuff, you should be asking the deeper questions about a lot of the things that we talked about earlier, and you should be seeing how they respond, how they’re able to communicate. Do they even know what they want? Are they able to communicate what they want? And of course, inevitably, you’re going to run into situations that might be challenging or difficult in some way, and then you’ll get to see how they navigate that they are able to speak up for what they want or need in a situation, right?

Do they, you know, fly off the handle and yell at you for no reason because it was a stressful situation? So you’ll start to see how they’re able to communicate in both normal situations and, of course, in stressful situations. And you really want to look for somebody who has really good communication skills. And you know, nobody’s communication is perfect, but they should have a good baseline. And then, you know, let’s say your communication is a little higher, then you should be able to be able to say, here’s what I need, here’s what I like in a situation like that, if it happens again, I’d really appreciate it if you could communicate with me in this way. And then, of course, they should be open to that. They should say, Oh, okay, I get it. Yeah, I’ll do better. I’ll try harder next time to make sure I handle it in that way.

Next is emotionally mature. This is to me, this I should, I mean, this list is not in any but. Particular order, but I should have put this at the top of the list. This is so important to me. The person has to be really emotionally mature. They have to have a really high level of awareness around their emotions, the ability to communicate those emotions, ability to communicate those emotions in ways that are healthy, not in ways that are more damaging to the relationship. So emotional maturity is key. And as you’re having conversations and you’re getting to know this person, you know you know, you want to ask about, you know, situations. Have you ever had a situation like this? You know, how did you handle it? What was it like? You know, that sort of thing. So that can give you a good idea as to how emotionally mature they are. And of course, over time, you’ll start to see how they react to situations. That’s why it’s good to have things like that early on in a relationship.

I remember when Celine and I first got together, we had, I don’t even remember them all now, but we had a bunch of stuff like, within the first year that we were dating that were like difficult things for generally difficult things for couples to navigate. I mean, we started off in an open relationship. We visited her family overseas and stayed with them for a significant period of time, very early on in the relationship. We moved in together fairly early there were a bunch of things that generally are really difficult for couples to navigate. And so I wouldn’t necessarily, and there was more than that. Those are just a few I can think of off that I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that, you know, couples intentionally go put themselves through difficult situations, but, but I always looked at that and said, Wow, this is really great, because we’ve had to navigate some really challenging things that would normally cause problems for relationships, and we just cruised through it really easily. And so to me, that was a really, really good sign that this was, you know, a good relationship because of the ease in which we were able to navigate those things.

Okay, next on the list is champions your success. So your partner should always be championing your success. They should be your biggest cheerleader, even bigger than your mom. I know it’s like everyone’s Oh, you know, your mom is always your number one cheerleader, although that reminds me of a funny lyric from a BB King song, nobody loves me except my mother, and she could be jiving too. But all joking aside, your partner really should be the person who is cheering the loudest for you and helping you in any way that they are capable of. So that’s something you want to look for as well. And the last general one is that you do have similar views on sex. I see a lot of problems in relationships where people have very different views on sex. So, in other words, what does that mean? Well, somebody is perfectly fine with sex once a month, and the other person is like, I need sex like, you know, three times a week, right? So that’s an issue, I see differences where people, you know, want certain sex acts and think they’re perfectly normal and fine, whereas the other person is like, nope, nope, not doing it. Oh, my God, that’s horrible, right?

So these things obviously can change over time. One of the things I’m seeing a lot now as I work with older couples is that the way that they used to operate in a relationship is changing for one reason or another. So I’m hearing a lot of people ask me questions about like, there was one recently about a couple who used to frequent sex parties and sex clubs a lot together, and that was kind of their thing that they did, and lately she’s lost interest in that and doesn’t want to go anymore, but he’s like, Hey, wait a minute, I still really love doing this, right? So things can shift as hormones change and life circumstances change, but you want to stack the odds in your favor, which means that in the beginning of relationship, when you’re getting to know somebody, you want that ideas views on sex to be relatively the same, because if it’s not, if they’re not the same starting out, you’re very likely to have problems that. On the road, and you really don’t want that. You want to set yourself up for success.

Now, that doesn’t guarantee that things won’t change later on down the road. However, you have a much better chance if you’re starting out with very similar viewpoints on sex, and as I talk about on the show all the time, you know they’ve done a lot of research on this, and they have conclusively determined that having a fulfilling sex life is an important part of a successful, long term, happy relationship. Now I know every time I say that I can I can hear the YouTube comments being typed as I speak, where somebody is like, well, we’ve been married for 35 years and we haven’t had sex in 20, and we love each other, and everything’s great. There are always outliers to everything. I’m glad that that works for you. That is not the case for the overwhelming majority of people. And furthermore, I would say that if you did have a fulfilling sex life, your relationship would probably be even better than you feel it is now. So just saying.

All right, so those are the general traits that you should look for. Those are good reasons to choose a partner. To say this, I think is a good partner who has potential for a successful, long-term, happy, healthy relationship. But are there things that are specific to say a man or woman that you might want to look for? Well, yes, Kevin, there are. And I already told you at the beginning of the show that I had a few of those. So okay, what are some specific traits that women should possess that men might want to look for? Number one, she’s inner feminine. This is just so critically important. I just see it. I mean, I know the whole polarity thing is getting really played out, and everybody’s talking about it, and everybody’s got opinions on it. Some of them are great. Some of them are way off the mark, and it’s hard for the average person to really sift through all of that and figure out what is true polarity teaching and what is not.

But at this point, in my personal opinion, the data is in and the most successful healthiest relationships between a man and a woman tend to be the ones with a woman who is in her feminine, a man who is in his masculine. There is excellent polarity there. And when we say feminine and masculine, we mean the healthy version of the feminine and the healthy version of the masculine. That seems to be the best, most successful combination. So that means, when you’re you’re a man, and you’re out there and you’re looking for, you know, the right one, the right woman you want to find one who’s in her feminine and social media is absolutely loaded with videos of women that are beautiful, successful, smart, they seem to have everything on paper, but they are so in their masculine, and they are so against even the idea of being in their feminine.

And generally, when you see these videos on social media, it’s, it’s them complaining about, you know, complaining about their man, complaining about their husband, or complaining about how they can’t find a man, right? And there’s a reason for that, and that reason is because she’s so in her masculine she either can’t find somebody that wants to be in a relationship with her, or the relationship she’s in is miserable for the obvious reasons. So you want to look for a woman who’s in her feminine which honestly, I personally think is her superpower. I think being able to really tap into the uniqueness of being a woman, and what that really means, and I’ve talked about it on this show before, I think is an absolute superpower. And I think any woman who shuns that to be in her masculine and try to compete in the masculine world as a masculinized woman is absolutely missing out on what is truly her most powerful superpower. That’s my personal opinion. Another trait that you want to look for in women is the ability to switch between being in her feminine and her masculine energies. There are times when she will need to, you know, be in her masculine to get things done, or maybe in her career. Or. Or, you know, maybe running the house when he’s not around, or whatever like. There are times where that is necessary, but that ability to switch back and forth is the critical piece. That’s the critical key.

That’s what I spend a lot of time helping women when coaching women learn how to do is, how do you switch back and forth between the two. Most women have never been taught how to do that, and it doesn’t come naturally to them; and they really have to work at it. But if they do and they really want to work at it, they can learn to do it. For sure. I’ve done multiple shows on that. I’ve had several women on this show talking about how they personally learned how to do it and what strategies work for them. So you can go check those out as well. And this is sort of similar to what I was just talking about, but I wrote down can be powerful without being masculine. And I wanted to I wrote that down because I wanted to make sure I didn’t forget that piece, but I kind of already talked about it. So I just want you to know that, you know, when we say we’re looking for a woman in her feminine, we’re not looking for a powerless, you know, oh, help me. Save me. I can’t do anything on my own. That is not what we’re looking for. We just want her to be in her feminine, but we also want her to be powerfully in her feminine.

Another trait that I think is important to look for in a good woman is that she’s nurturing. Because nurture, the ability to nurture, really is a core trait of being in your feminine. So it’s another sign that she is in her feminine, but she has this ability to be a nurturing partner. And then the last one I have on here, it brings beauty into a man’s life. This is something that I think women do so amazingly well, especially when they’re really in their feminine they just bring beauty into a man’s world. Because as men, we can tend to get really practical and utilitarian. And, you know, our home, like, I see this all the time. I have a neighbor up the street, and the guy’s really good at fixing things, building things, you know, built a car from scratch, you know, like, he’s amazing, like that. And yet, his house, although functional, was great, but it looked terrible. It just looked terrible. He never focused on making it look beautiful. And I see men do that a lot, you know. But women can bring beauty into a man’s life in so many ways, not just through her own feminine essence and natural beauty, but through the way she would just have more art around the house, or decorate it better, or inspire us to repaint it, or whatever like, they just bring more beauty into the world. And I think that’s something that as men, we need more of, right?

And so, you know, that’s something that I would look for in a partner, is that she would have that sort of innate, natural ability and desire to just like wherever she goes. Beauty follows, right? So those are some specific traits that I think men should also look for in women when they want to choose the right partner. So that brings me to the last list, which includes some traits that women should look for in men when they are choosing their partner. Number one, he’s in his integrated masculine. You’ve heard me talk about this on the show a lot, this idea of the integrated masculine, he has the classically masculine traits of the old school masculine, but he also possesses the traits of sort of the new softer masculine. So what does that mean?

It means that he can step up and take charge and be a leader and be a strong masculine, be a good provider, be a good protector, be all of those classically masculine traits, but at the same time, he can also communicate well. He can share his feelings, right? He’s in touch with what’s going on, right? He can have empathy, compassion, that kind of stuff. And so he should have both of those things integrated in, and that’s what you want to look for. Look for a man who is either really well integrated or at least partially integrated, and working on integrating the rest. Next on the list is that he knows how to lead without being a dictator, right? So this is another one of those classically masculine traits. But, you know, I see this over and over and over again, even in strong women who are like, you know, I don’t need a man, and I can handle myself, and I can do this, and I can do that, they get in relationships with men who really are not stepping up into their masculine and are not, you know, leading really.

And eventually, they get so irritated by him that they start criticizing him more. They start emasculating him more. They start taking charge more, you know, and they’re, of course, always blaming it on him. Now, does he deserve some of that? Well, yeah, because he’s not stepping up, and because he’s not, she is, and now she’s frustrated because she has to do it when she’s got a perfectly good man here who should be doing it and isn’t. So yeah, he knows how to lead, but without being a dictator, right? And I’ve covered that on this show more times than I can count. As far as what that really looks like? I’ve given many, many, many, many examples of how a healthy, integrated, masculine man can lead from a healthy place, next on the list, believes in his role as the provider. Now, does that mean he has to provide everything? Does that mean that he has to, you know, pay for everything, and she just gets to sit home and eat Bon Bons on the couch like Peggy Bundy, no, that’s not what I’m talking about here.

It’s more of the mentality in today’s world. Honestly, for the overwhelming majority of people, it takes two incomes. It just does. There are lots of reasons for that. We can blame a lot of that on our horribly corrupt and inept governments, but the reality is, is, in most cases, it does indeed take two incomes. So I’m not saying he has to be the sole provider, but there’s a mentality in men, this idea of, yes, I am the provider, that’s what I’m talking about. And if he can be the sole financial provider, great, but it’s more about that energy and that idea. You know, I mean, when Celine was alive and we were together, I was, of course, we lived in Southern California, I was never able to support both of us on just my income. But I always told her, I’m working towards that, and if I get there, you will never have to work again, right?

So it’s more that energy. Yeah, that feeling, that desire to want to be that provider, and it does not, you know, being a provider doesn’t mean just money. Being a provider can mean lots of things. You know, providing safety and security and trust and, you know, good home, yeah, and money and other things too. But that idea of the mentality of being a provider, unfortunately, what we see a lot nowadays is men who are just like, why should I have to do it? Why should I have to always be the one to blah, blah, blah? Hate to break it to you, dude, but you were born a dude, and that’s, that’s our role. Yeah, that’s just how it is. And I often have to tell them, you’re just gonna have to figure out a way to come to terms with that and to accept it and then to step up into it, because as soon as you do those things, you will absolutely see the quality of your life and your relationships get better.

Okay, and last one on the list is a good protector. That is the man’s role. We are, generally speaking, bigger, stronger. We are ruled by testosterone, which gives us the ability to be violent, which in some cases, is actually a good thing. So yeah, again, this is a lot about that idea of the mentality behind it, the mindset behind it, right, of being the provider and the protector and stepping into those roles, you really want to look for a man who believes in those things and embodies them. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s got to, you know, train every single weekend and in, you know, paramilitary school or anything like that, but he should at least have some basic skills and have a strong desire to take on that role. When something goes crash in the middle of the night and both of you wake up, he should not hesitate to jump up out of that bed and deal with the situation, you know, and you know, dealing with it might mean simply assessing and calling the police, dealing with it might mean, you know, grabbing the bedside, you know, pistol and, you know, sweeping the house like the point is, is he needs to step into that role and have the mindset of something just went crash in the middle of night, and it is my job to Make sure that we’re all safe.

So those are some traits that I think women should be looking for. Again, a lot of it is mindset and attitude, and energy that you bring into the relationship. It doesn’t necessarily always have to be the physical thing that you’re doing, but that’s also good as well. So you can come up with more things. Of course, you know, these were just some lists that I brainstormed, and some of the more important things that I thought are really, are setting a really good foundation for, you know, choosing a really solid partner. But it doesn’t mean that those are the only things that you should look for. I’m curious if you’ve made it this far in the episode, and there are some things that I left off of any of these lists, lists, whether it’s the general or what the man should look for, what the woman should look for. Let me know in the comments. Send me an email. I would love to know your perspective and what you think should be on this list as well. Alright, everybody, that is all the time I have for this episode, and I will see you next week.

I hope you like this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe, leave me a review, and share it with your friends, and for more free exclusive content, join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!