Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, the place to be for honest and real talk about relationships and sex, whether you’re a man or a woman, single or a couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to help you have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life.

All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 344 and it is titled How Women Release Shame, embrace sexuality as sacred, and spice things up. If you’ve been listening to the show for a while, you know that in the last year, I have been working with a lot more women. You also know that this show has always been about men, women, and couples. We’ve never focused on one in particular. I like to do diverse content. Couples are a huge focus of what I do. You can’t really do content for couples and then not talk about women, and women’s needs, and women’s desires. So it’s always been a focus of this show, and this episode is going to be primarily focused on women and what they need, how they can open up more, how they can really shame, how they can really embrace their sexuality, how they can see things as sacred, how they can spice it up.

There is a lot to talk about in this episode, and if you are watching on YouTube, you can see that I have a guest with me today who is a woman, which I think is kind of important if you’re going to be having a whole show about women. It’s nice to have a woman on and get her perspective. She’s also a somatic sex and intimacy coach, so she has some really great insight into this topic, and I’ve been really looking forward to having this conversation.

But before we do that, a short word from my sponsor, power and mastery 3.0 power and mastery. 3.0 is the latest version of the popular men’s sexual mastery course. If you are struggling with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or simply want to increase your skills in the bedroom, then power and mastery is for you join the exclusive club of men who have taken their sexual performance into their own hands and become sexual masters. Mastering your sexuality is a key component to becoming the man she has always dreamt of and craves. Don’t leave your sexual performance up to chance or the throw of the dice. Become a sexual master today by going to powerandmastery.com. And joining the exclusive club of men who have taken their destiny into their own hands. That’s powerandmastery.com. Why am I reading an ad for a product that is specifically geared for men when we are having a show about women? Because I don’t yet have an online course for women, but I do have a small one, a teaser, if you will, that’s going to be launched very soon. So just keep your eyes open for that.

All right, if you lack confidence, low libido, or guilt and shame around your sexuality, and they are the cause of your bedroom woes, the hot, wild sex you never have anymore, or the transition into motherhood or menopause that suck your libido dry, then you need Tilly. She’s a somatic sex and intimacy coach for women who lack desire or pleasure in the bedroom and beyond. Welcome to the show, Tilly.

Tilly Storm 3:29
Thank you so much for having me.

Kevin Anthony 3:32
Before we get started. I just want to let the listeners know that Tilly and I kind of know each other, even though we’ve never met in person. I’ve been on one of your summits. I’ve also been on your podcast that you have the multi-orgasmic millionaire. We’ve talked a little bit behind the scenes to coordinate all those things, so I feel like we have a little bit of a rapport. And you’re somebody that I really appreciate. So I always wanted the audience to know that you’re not just some random person showing up on the show today.

Tilly Storm 4:04
Yes, yay. I love that.

Kevin Anthony 4:07
Okay, as I mentioned earlier, you work mostly with women, and what I’m curious about so I have some ideas about this myself. Since I’ve been working with a lot more women, I’ve been hearing a lot more of their struggles, but you have way more experience working with women than I do, and I’m really curious, what are some of the biggest challenges that you see women facing today when it comes to their sexuality?

Tilly Storm 4:36
Oh yeah, well, I think the most obvious biggest challenge for women is that they absolutely don’t know how to get out of their head, to get in the mood sexually, to like, actually be present and in the moment, to experience turn on at all. I think that’s by far the biggest issue I’ve seen. And I think the second place winner would be they just. Don’t experience the pleasure that they think they should be experiencing. Whether that means, like you can’t have an orgasm at all, or is this really hard for you to get there, or it takes longer than you think it should take, I think that’s the second biggest challenge right now that I’ve heard.

Kevin Anthony 5:18
Let’s start with the first one then, which is, that they have a hard time getting out of their heads. I have a few follow-up questions on that. The first one is, obviously, you know, why is that? And then the second one is, have you seen that change over the years that you’ve done your work? Has that gotten more challenging for women, or has it kind of always been like that,

Tilly Storm 5:43
I’d say it’s always been the biggest issue. I’ve been doing this for eight years, and it’s been the most common struggle that I’ve seen. And I think the reason that happens is because we’re trained to be in our heads from day one, we are literally told we are praised. We’re rewarded to live from our cortical thinking mind, from the moment we’re born and put in industrialized educational institutions, that whole system trains us to be in our head, to override our body’s wisdom, to disconnect from our body from the age of three or four, and it rewards you for doing so.

So women don’t understand why it’s such a hard thing to get out of their head and sex, but when you actually think about it, you’ve been trained your entire life to do that, so of course, it’s an issue, but getting out of your head is like the number one thing that would actually help you to have and experience more pleasure in bedroom, whether it’s like more connection to pleasure at all, or just easier to have orgasms or different types of orgasms, all of these sorts of things. So yeah, the reason is that we’ve just been trying to do that ever since we were little.

Kevin Anthony 7:02
Which is true, and I agree with you, that, of course, would be true for both men and women, because we both go through the same indoctrination system, right? I’m curious if there are any things maybe that are specific to women. In regards to that, like, I’ll share my thoughts and feelings on it in a moment, but I’m curious what you think, if there’s anything specific that makes it maybe more challenging for women?

Tilly Storm 7:26
Yeah, I don’t know if that makes it more challenging, but there are so many factors that lead into this disconnect between our heads and our sexuality. One of them is any narrative you got around pleasure and sex being dirty or bad, or you being slut shamed when you were younger, things like that will disconnect you even further from your body. It starts when you’re really young, from our educate the way that we educate children, but as you grow up, it creates even more disconnection. You throw on some social conditioning that’s negative about pleasure and sex, you throw on some religious conditioning that’s negative about pleasure and sex, and then you’ve got this perfect recipe for a woman being totally disconnected from her body and operating from the neck up, which is what you know, I see all of the time. What were your thoughts on it?

Kevin Anthony 8:22
Yeah, well, I like what you shared in regards to, you know, the slut shaming and that sort of thing. Because I do think there’s a much more of a shame aspect when it comes to sexuality with women than there is with men. And definitely some of that comes from, you know, the culture, and I want to dive into that more in the next question, because that’s a really big piece, and I’m glad that you brought it up, and then what I was thinking, because this is something that I’ve noticed as a sort of a difference between men and women. And you know, we’re talking in generalities here. Nothing is 100% true all the time, but for men, we have our own things that run through our heads, right?

We might have stress about money or our jobs or, you know, whatever the thing is, right? And that stuff will run through our heads a lot. But for us, it’s much easier. For us, it’s like when it’s time for sex. It’s like when the boner rises, like this brain shuts off and that one kicks in, right? And it’s just way easier for us to do that. I’m not saying it’s always the case. I do see a significant number of men with erectile dysfunction who are having mental, emotional, psychological issues that are creating it so but in general, in the way we operate as men, it’s much easier for us to put the outside world aside and get into, you know, our bodies, our cocks, so to speak, and be sexual, whereas with women, I have noticed, especially if, let’s say she’s a mother and she’s got kids, there will be a gazillion thing. Is running through her head, like the laundry that needs to be done, and the house that needs to be cleaned, and the lunches that need to be made, and the homework that needs to be done, and the shopping, and it’s just like all of those things are just going crazy inside the mine.

So one of the big things I’m always teaching men is like, when your woman doesn’t want to have sex and she’s not interested in it, figure out how you can take some of that burden off of her mind, right? So that might mean helping her with a few of the chores so she can let go, right? That might mean cleaning up the space and putting the dirty laundry away so that when she’s lying there in bed, she’s not thinking, oh my god, I can’t believe there’s a basket of dirty laundry there. That needs to happen, because, trust me, she is thinking about that, right? So those were some of my thoughts. It’s just like, I see that women are trying to do so many things, and they’re constantly thinking about them, and it’s some for some reason, I don’t know if it’s just the way our brains are wired. It’s more difficult for them to shut that off and get into their body, whereas men, it’s easier for us to be like, Oh, boner, time for sex.

Tilly Storm 11:05
I totally agree with you on that. And when we’re looking at root cause issues, which is what I do, in terms of, like, getting into the root cause of things. And yeah, sure, we have all of the thoughts that come in. But like, why do we have the thoughts? So I’m always looking at the bigger question, the deeper question, like, Why do women have all of these thoughts? When men don’t seem to have this problem, they can just shut it off and compartmentalize, you know, different aspects of their lives, but women can’t seem to do that. Because, again, it goes back to the same issue. Like we’re taught that in order to be good moms, we have to do everything and be everything all at once, and the more that we do, the more that we struggle, and the more things that we have on our plate.

It’s almost like we have this reverse reward system where we reward women for being better mothers. The busier they are, and the more they keep their kids in 500 million activities, the more points you get for being a good mom. So of course, you have all of these thoughts. Of course, you have this inability to shut things off because of the social conditioning that we have around you’re only a good mom if you’re doing all these things for your kids and you have to be everything for them. You know, motherhood is one of the things that’s like, we are just set up to freaking struggle in our society as moms because we don’t have the support we used to have.

Kevin Anthony 12:39
Yes, that’s true. The support systems that you used to have are not there. And you brought up something else, you didn’t quite say it directly, so I’m gonna say it a little bit more directly. But there is what I think is a very dangerous myth out there, and it is the myth of you can have it all. You can be the boss babe, right? And you can be a full-time mother, right? And you can be the loving wife, and you can be the, you know, the provide like you can be all of this at once. Now, is it potentially possible, yes, but at what sacrifice, and are you doing all of those things as well as you could? So this speaks to what you were just saying, which is like to be a good wife, you got to do all this stuff, right? And how do you do it all? And then somehow not be exhausted, right? Somehow not be stuck in your head, somehow be able to access your turn-on, right? Like I think that what society is telling women is honestly just unrealistic, and the harder that they try to be all of those things, the worse the quality of their lives is.

Tilly Storm 13:53
Absolutely yeah, and I, I’m a firm believer that you cannot be all things at all times. You just can’t. You can be some things that sometimes you can have all things that sometimes, but all at the same time is completely unrealistic. So every time I see people talking about how you can have it all, I’m like, do you mean at the same time or not? Because that’s really the thing, at least. You know, I’m gonna shoot it straight, and I don’t bullshit people like I haven’t experienced that where I felt like I could have all things all at the same time, and maybe that’s like on personal blocks. But honestly, I think that’s a little bit something that I’m not gonna strive to obtain, because I don’t honestly know that it is obtainable. Does that make sense?

Kevin Anthony 14:41
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, there are certain realities, like, Okay, if you want to be the boss, babe, CEO woman, well, how many hours a week does a typical boss? Babe? CEO woman, work 50, yeah, 60, plus hours a week. Yeah, so where in that is there enough time to be a mother who actually spends time with her kids, like, actually spends time with them, not just, you know, says hello in the morning and kisses them good night, you know, at bedtime, like, actually spends time with them and actively mothers them. Like, where’s the time for that, and that’s just one example, right?

I mean, you run your own business. I run my own business. I mean, at this point in my life, I’m very soon to be 51 years old, running this business now by myself, since my wife passed, and I can tell you at the end of the day, I am freaking exhausted, and I am way healthier than the average 51-year-old. I’m active, I’m in great shape, like I’m just tired. I cannot put in, you know, the 6070, hours a week like I used to when I worked for corporate in my 20s and 30s. You know, it’s just not realistic to be able to do all of that. And I think if I were trying to raise kids as a single parent and do all this. I don’t know how people would do it, right?

Tilly Storm 16:13
So I can tell you, you don’t at the same time, you just can’t I know this from experience, because my kids are partially homeschooled. They do two or three online classes with another teacher, and this is our first year doing it. And this year has also been my worst year in business, you know? So like, there are trade-offs to every decision, like, whatever you’re going to prioritize, of course, that’s where your energy is going to go and going to flow. So yeah, like, you know, I think that where your priorities are is what’s to look at. So if your priorities like on getting the intimacy back in your relationship, if you’re in one, or discovering your own pleasure again, that’s great, you know. But there are things that you know you have to prioritize above some other things, you know. So it’s all about your priorities, which is fine, and people have different ones, just about finding the right teacher for the priority that you have at the moment, right?

Kevin Anthony 17:18
Yeah, you know, I didn’t actually expect to go quite so far down, you know that rabbit hole of like, you know, you can’t have it all kind of thing, but, but it was relevant to what we’re talking about in a sense that, you know, when women are feeling disconnected from their bodies, disconnected from their sexuality, and they’re trying to figure out what to do about it. If we’re really honest, one of the things that they need to do about it is pause for a moment really assess their current lifestyle and see if there are areas there that are preventing them from really being able to access this thing that they say they want, they say they want to have a, you know, a great sex life with their partner. They say they want to have better orgasms, or more sex, or whatever it is.

But is your lifestyle actually creating the space and leaving you with enough energy for it? So that’s one thing that I think a lot of women really need to look at. And it’s true. I mean, men need to look at that too. But, you know, that’s a subject for another show. We’re really focusing specifically on women. I say that simply because, whenever I do a show I’m talking about, you know, what women you know should do this, or need to do this, or, here’s the problem, inevitably, somebody in the comments is like, Oh, yeah. Well, what about men? Men need to do this, and men need I know that this show is about women. When I do a show about men, I’ll be talking about all the things men need to do. So okay, let’s talk about one of the other big issues that you mentioned before. We kind of went down that rabbit hole, and that is shame. I wonder if you could talk a little bit about shame as it pertains to women specifically. Where does the shame come from? How does it affect them? What can they potentially do about it?

Tilly Storm 19:20
Yeah, well, the shame is one of the biggest things that are going to cut you off from your sense of confidence and fully expressing yourself sexually, if you have shame about what you want or like, or if you have so much shame that you can’t even get yourself to self-pleasure without shutting down, which are some of the clients that I’ve had. It is that bad. It was my story. Like I felt a lot of shame about my sexuality. I was raised Southern Baptist in a small town in Louisiana, just right, 45 minutes from New Orleans. So you know, I went to church three times a week. Right up. And then when I was 27 I remember thinking like, this can’t be all there is to sex because I don’t know what all the hype is about.

And I remember being able to only have an orgasm in one way is really hard to get there and not really understanding all the fuss was about. And I heard that there were certain sexual practices that you could do to help you release religious shame around sexuality. I’m like, is that what I’m experiencing? I don’t know, yeah, this is like a light bulb when I was like, yeah, that’s that’s what I feel. Thank you for putting words to that, and that is exactly what was blocking me from experiencing the pleasure that my body was capable of. So how do you release yourself from that? I don’t know the Jade egg was the thing that did it for me, which I think we’ll talk about at some point, but the Taoist Jade egg practice was what I did, and it very quickly, within two months, like, completely transformed my relationship with my own pleasure and my body. And I went from having a sneeze of an orgasm to having all sorts of different types in different ways. And like, what the hell just happened? You know, this is possible in a body. Okay, cool.

So it was that was the thing for me, for some people, it’s more of the inner work, like actually writing a new sexual narrative to like, even open up the idea of what it would have been like to have been raised with people or a culture or a religion that actually celebrated women’s pleasure and that actually supported you and these transitions from you know, when you first get your period, to becoming a mom, to through menopause, and Like, through these transitions where we’re just not supported in that way to really move through those big life transitions. So yeah, I think there are a couple of different things that can help and support a person to release shame and guilt from their sexuality. I’ve seen it work, whether we go into the unconscious beliefs and rewrite the narrative, or we actually do the embodiment work, like with the Jade egg. They both work. Some people just need one or the other, and a lot of times both. So both work really well. If we don’t get it at one end, we’re going to get it at the other when we do both.

Kevin Anthony 22:41
Indeed, we will definitely talk a little bit more about the Jade egg practice and some of those other practices, probably after the mid-roll break there, because there are basically four areas that you that women can work On to spice up their life, one of which is what you call living a turn on life, right? And so that we’re gonna, we’re gonna get there and talk about that, but I want to talk a little bit more about this idea of shame before the break. And then when we come back, we’ll, we’ll pick up with some of that. You know, early in the show, you mentioned that you know, there’s like, basically slut shaming, and you know, ways that society will put shame on women for embracing their sexuality. You also just talked about religion. That’s another way that shame gets put on sexuality.

And what I find is really interesting is especially when it comes to religion. And this is something that’s been coming up a lot lately. I don’t know why, but it’s this idea that religion tells you you can’t do all of these things, or all of these things regarding sexuality are wrong. And what I find interesting about that is, even before this was really coming up a lot with clients, I just decided one day I wanted to do an episode of this podcast on I called it sex and spirituality. Are they mutually exclusive? And basically what I did was a whole bunch of research going through the Bible and the Torah and some other you know religions to say, like, what do they really say about sex? And I was somewhat surprised to find that in the main religious text for the most popular religions in the world, they say little to nothing about sex, very, very little about sex, which means that the overwhelming majority of beliefs around sex that come from spirituality don’t actually come from so let’s just take Christianity because that’s the one you and I are probably most versed in. I know that’s the case for me, at least anyway, but if you go through the Bible, it only gives you a couple of basic rules. Rules like really basic rules, but in Christianity, there are a ton of rules around sex.

But if they’re not in the Bible, then where did those rules come from? Humans, humans, humans, humans, priest class, whatever you want to call them, who decided to just create roles. So the the struggle that I have when I’m when I’m working with people that have a deeply religious background is they believe that their God has told them that this is wrong, and so we need to reprogram that a little bit. And I love to show them like, find where in here it actually says that, right? So perfect example was a woman recently who had reached out and asked me about masturbation, and she said that, you know, basically, religion says that it’s wrong, and that, you know, she’s only done it a couple of times in her life, and she’s felt horrible after doing it, like she shouldn’t have done it. And I was like, Okay, let’s explore that a little bit. Where in the Bible does it actually say that masturbation is wrong? And the answer to that, if you’re listening and you’re not aware, is nowhere, literally nowhere.

Even if you go to religious sites where they, they go through the Bible and they, you know, they interpret things, they will admit that nowhere says directly in the Bible that masturbation is wrong. Yeah, there are basically two main passages that have been interpreted to say that it’s wrong, but it doesn’t mention it at all. All it actually says is you shouldn’t defile your body. To which people have decided that somehow masturbation is defiling your body. So I bring that up and point that out simply to say that a lot of the a lot of the reasons we have shame around sexuality aren’t necessarily real. In a sense, they were given to us by a society or by a religion or by somebody who had a vested interest in controlling our behavior and our bodies, right? So if you can get that and you can understand that, that goes a long way towards helping you let go of something that isn’t really yours to begin with.

Tilly Storm 27:17
Yeah, and that last part that you just said is thinking it’s like when I’m working with clients, is, how do we separate what you actually believe from what others told you to believe? And that’s one of the beautiful things about the tantric tradition. I have a lot of tantric philosophy, and I mean, it’s woven throughout everything that I do, but a lot of it is about, okay, let’s distribute the conditioning and see what’s actually true, right? Let’s take all of that away. What’s actually here, what’s here inside of you, what’s what’s true in your heart, what feels true in your body? And there’s never a case where we don’t those stories are always connected to someone else or something else. So can we separate what’s actually not even yours?

You just adopted it or borrowed it from someone else, the story or whatever that masturbation is bad or it’s defiling everybody like that’s someone else’s story that you adopted. So we can separate that from who you actually are, it leaves room to actually explore what’s true for you. So that’s where I’m always going with that is like, no what is true for you. Maybe that is true for you. I don’t know. I’m not the one to judge and tell you what’s right for you, but at the end of the day, if you can get into your heart and discover that truth for yourself, that’s where the sense of confidence and empowerment really comes from, is knowing what is mine? What do I want to continue on, what I want to leave behind as a story for my own children? So yeah, that’s how I like to go at that one.

Kevin Anthony 28:54
Yeah, and I think that’s great. It’s amazing to me how many people don’t really realize that the overwhelming majority of beliefs in air quotes if you’re listening on the podcast and given the air quotes here for beliefs that they have, aren’t actually their own, that were just given to them by somebody. And so it is such a beautiful practice to really assess all the things you believe and figure out which ones do I really believe, or which ones I just accepted because somebody else told me that that’s what they were. That’s a much deeper spiritual quest. But, well, I agree. I don’t, I was gonna say but they’re not separate, right? If you really want to become the best version of yourself in all ways, including sexually and showing up for not only yourself physically, but your partner physically, it’s going to require a quest like that.

Tilly Storm 30:00
Yeah, yeah. And that’s that is why I love doing what I do because it’s so much more than just sex. That’s it is about discovering your truth, about discovering the divinity in you. And can that include sex? Can that include the sacredness of sex? Can I include it being the greatest gift we have in these human bodies? I found that that’s true for me, and I would love for other people to discover that as well because I honestly believe that that’s what it was meant to be.

Kevin Anthony 30:29
Yeah, this is a perfect segue. I love how this just sort of worked its way out because I wanted to talk about what you feel the opposite of feeling shame around sexuality is and you just said the word a moment ago, which is why it’s such a perfect segue, which is the idea of embracing sexuality as sacred. I’m wondering if you could just talk a little bit about what does that actually mean. We hear that word thrown out a lot, especially in New Agey circles, where everything is sacred. It’s the sacred this. It’s the sacred cacao and the sacred sexuality and the sacred drugs that we like to trip out on on the weekends, right? Like, everything’s sacred, right? So I’m curious, could you maybe shed a little light on what do we really mean when we talk about embracing sexuality as sacred?

Tilly Storm 31:22
I mean, that is something that you can celebrate without shame. That’s like the most boiled-down definition I could probably give of it, and that’s definitely not why I’ve thought too hard about but that’s my gut reaction, like understanding that your sexuality is sacred is knowing is feeling that, yeah, I can celebrate my sexual nature, my erotic nature as a beautiful thing, and I don’t feel an ounce of shame or guilt or fear or disgust around it like I used to. It’s not always been this way, trust me, but it didn’t really take that much work either. It was just like a commitment to discovering what was underneath all that shame and guilt and disgust and having the courage to face it, so eventually, getting to the point where I could celebrate my desires. I could celebrate how that primal sexual nature wasn’t something that I needed to squash or be afraid of, because I think that’s what most people are.

They’re actually afraid of their sexuality, that it’s not something that we have to shame, that it’s actually the source of all of our power, like you are not a fully integrated being in this world if you cannot embrace your primal sexual essence, that’s why you’re not making money you want to wait be making most likely. And it’s not why you are experiencing the sex life that you want to be experiencing because there’s a part of you that is unconsciously shaming it, or who is unconsciously afraid of that energy inside of you. So experiencing sexuality is something that’s divine. Is the complete opposite of that. It’s like understanding that this is the source of my power. This is the source of being in this 3d World and going about this world with energy and confidence and strength and not something that I have to secretly hide or pretend like it doesn’t matter, or put masks on and try and act like a porn star when I’m just to keep men around when you know it’s not I’m taking an orgasm every single time. So many women do, by the way, so you know, I think that’s all of that is the opposite of your sexuality being something that you view as sacred. Does that make sense? Am I making sense here?

Kevin Anthony 34:03
Yeah, I liked the way that you talked about that when you were just explaining that. And I would love to just maybe expand on that a little bit with my own ideas of what it really means to embrace sexuality is sacred. When I think of something as being sacred, I think of something that is a profound truth, something that is part of. This is why it’s sometimes hard to describe and explain these things, but, but you know, something that is just part of, you know, the universe, or the makeup of the universe is something, something that is just integrally, integrally part of it. It is a profound truth that we can’t escape, right, the fact that we all have, say, certain human rights. Or, you know, the fact that. Sexuality.

Since we’re talking about sexuality is, as you said, an important part of being an integrated human right. It’s when we talk about sex being sacred. What we’re really trying to say is this is a core part of who you are. This is something that you can’t deny, you know, and to be, as you said, a fully integrated human, you have to learn to embrace that and express it. So it’s just so fundamental to who we are as these beings, right? That’s what I think of when I, when I think of something as being sacred, right? If you look at the way the Founding Fathers talked about, you know, the basic rights to be human, they would use the word sacred right like it’s something that is so important and so foundational to the experience of being human and because it’s so important and so foundational that we have to treat it with the respect that it deserves. That’s the other piece I think of something of me when we say something is sacred, it’s something that we treat with respect and reverence, right?

Tilly Storm 36:11
Yeah, I totally agree. And the Let me collect that thought for a moment. Okay, we’ll just have to pause that.

Kevin Anthony 36:28
It’s kind of, I mean, it’s, it’s a, it’s a deep discussion, right? And it’s not something that we pre-planned. So we know it’s not like we have our canned answers for but you know when, when I’m teaching, for instance, I mentioned masturbation earlier, right? And I mentioned, you know, the woman who was struggling with the idea of whether or not it was okay to masturbate. The first thing I said is like, and you kind of alluded to this earlier too. I said, if it doesn’t make you feel good, don’t do it. If it doesn’t work for you, just don’t do it okay? But if you are going to do it, do it in a way, like, treat it as if it’s sacred. It’s not just something, it’s not like, you know, something. Guys are the worst offenders of this. It’s like, let me put on porn for a couple of minutes and, you know, rub one out real quick and move on and not really give much thought to it.

And I said, Look, treat it as if it’s sacred, you know, make yourself a comfortable spot on the bed, turn the lights down low a little bit, maybe put some good sense in the room, like, make a whole thing of it. Think of it as, like, you know, especially if you’re a woman, as part of your not beauty routine, but like every, you know, every woman has her things that she does her personal care type things. This is, like, part of your personal care, like you view it from that point of view, as opposed to like, Oh, it’s just some good feeling that I just want to kind of blow off some energy like you. That’s the idea of embracing something is sacred, making it something that is special and treat it as special.

Tilly Storm 38:04
And just like we have fundamental human rights, pleasure is a fundamental human right, and it is one that is a non-negotiable for women to be in touch with, because if you aren’t, you cannot thrive. You simply can’t. There cannot be thriving in a state where you completely deny yourself as pleasure and as a woman, it’s impossible when you look I mean, I could go, I wish I’m not going to do right now, but I could go into the whole scientific explanation of why that is not possible, including your hormones and the nervous system, not going to go there. But just know that, like, scientifically, it is not possible for you to thrive as a woman if you are out of touch with what brings you pleasure, and if you are truly incapable of experiencing pleasure in your body like there’s no way that you’re fully thriving. So you know, if you have that desire to thrive and your love life, your sex life, your relationships, just know that embracing this part of you is absolutely required in order to thrive in this area. You can’t without it.

Kevin Anthony 39:18
Yeah, and we kind of talked about this a little bit. I just kind of bring it up again as it relates to that, which is, let me start by saying, I have been saying for many, many, many years that women are by far the more powerful sexual beings out of the two genders, right? Like women’s ability to generate more sexual energy and go through multiple waves of orgasm and have sex for as long as they want. I’m not recommending you, but I’m saying with as many men like you, could just go and go and go, and your energy builds and builds and builds, and it’s just you. Your capacity for sexual pleasure and energy is, I think, just so much greater than a man’s. But because of that, that has created a lot of fear in men, this idea that, Oh, my God, if we don’t control these women, what might they do, right?

And so there’s been a lot of control around that. So there’s been, there’s been a lot of energy put towards telling women that they are not powerful, that they are not sexually powerful, and that it’s somehow wrong for them to embrace that. I believe the complete opposite. I think you ladies are amazingly powerful, and I think it is absolutely your birthright to experience that and express it. And I think for men who are afraid of that, I think we need to make a little bit of an analogy here. So these days, there’s a lot of pressure on men to not be particularly masculine, right? Like, some of the traits that we would call classically masculine are now toxic and all that nonsense, right? Yeah, of course, it’s, it’s that’s a form of control on the male side, right?

One of the things that I tell men all the time, and, you know, I think Jordan Peterson said it beautifully when he said that men should be dangerous, but under voluntary control, right? So we should have the capacity for immense violence, but we should have that capacity under control, meaning that, you know, we are the protectors of our village. Our village gets raided. We have the capacity for immense violence to protect our women, our children, our village, but that should only come out in those situations, right? And so now I set that as a frame to go. Let’s look at women and their sexual energy and power that they possess, which is truly powerful. There’s no need to fear that, because she should have that capability and power, but it should also be under voluntary control, so that she knows how to use it wisely, right?

Tilly Storm 42:13
Yes, it has to be from integrated feminine energy, not dark, manipulative crap, and unfortunately, that’s what happens, and that’s why most men feel the need to have to control women’s sexuality. Is because many women learn that they can use that power to manipulate men, and it’s completely toxic. You’re right, and there are reasons that I get to understand why men would want to try and control that so it is up to a woman, and it is her responsibility to look at and see how has she used that energy to manipulate control men and to integrate that part of her into her beingness, just like a man has to with his kill response, He needs to know that he has that power to do that a woman needs to know that she has that power to fuck and also to be able to do it in a way that’s like aligned and healthy and sacred and good and divine, and not freaking manipulation fear-based because I’ve got daddy issues stuff because that is generally where it comes from. So it’s about looking at that power, and as a woman, understanding that it is a very strong power. But can I learn to use it in a way that’s actually good and healthy for me, and not in a minute, the total way?

Kevin Anthony 43:39
Yeah, completely okay. I got so into that whole subject. I totally missed the break about 15 minutes ago. So let me just read my second ad real quick, and then when we come back, I want to dive into those four ways that women can spice up their life and do all of these things that we’ve been talking about.

Okay, ladies, are you tired of always picking the wrong guy? Does it seem like there just aren’t any good men out there? Are you struggling with your sexuality? Or do successful relationships seem like a mystery you can’t quite crack the code on then it’s time to get help. Check out my women’s relationship and sex coaching program at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/women/. In this program, we will work on removing the sexual shame, becoming confident in your body, learning the sexual secrets that drive him wild, what to really look for in a man when dating, how to break old patterns, like always choosing the wrong guy and so much more. This is your opportunity to learn everything you have ever wanted to know about men, while also creating real, lasting change in your life. So go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/women/, and sign up for a strategy call today. I also will recommend if, if you like what Tilly is sharing with you, and if you want to work with a woman in a way that only a woman can, then please at the end, she’ll share. Her links and go check her out. There are definitely things that you know, I just don’t do when it comes to working with women. Can I step a woman through a jade egg practice? Yes. Do I do that? No, because it’s just, I just don’t feel like I’ve never experienced that. I can’t tell you what it’s actually like, I can tell you what the steps are. Do a, b, c, d, I just think you’re better off working with a woman if you want to do those sorts of things. However, if you want insight from a man’s mind and how men work, and you want to learn about you know how to do relationships and sexuality from a man’s point, then go check out my program, so there’s value in both of those.

Okay, yeah, so I’ve mentioned this a couple of times throughout the show. You mentioned this in the pre-interview, when I was kind of asking you, like, what do you want to talk about? You mentioned that there are basically four main areas. We only have about 15 minutes, but we can at least touch on each one of those a little bit. So let’s kind of go through them. The first one I have on the list is, is living a turn on life? What does that really mean?

Tilly Storm 46:15
Yeah. Well, there’s definitely a time in my life, several that I can think of, but one of the main ones where the only option that I kind of had left at the end of the day to be successful in life was when it’s when you know, when I’m you get to these points in life where you’ve done all the doing like you’ve checked all the boxes and things still aren’t working out. The only thing left at the end of the day is just to turn on to what turns you on. Okay, there was a time in my life when I had recently gotten divorced and 20, 2017 2018 and I was on my own with two kids for the second time, and I didn’t have two grand to my name. Had to figure out my life in a totally new city and with no friends, I moved to New Orleans to be closer to my family. They were still about 45 minutes away, and I had just started my business, and it was either hell or high water moment.

It was like, okay, either I go live with my parents, which I hadn’t done since I was 18, and in my mind, that was not even an option, or I figured out and start this business and make it work, and I chose option B because it was the only one that felt good. And I will tell you that from that moment when I made that decision, like, No, I’m doing this. I’m gonna I’m gonna do it. The only thing that made it successful was not the strategy. I defied all of the odds. Most people who started a business and coaching industry struggle for years before they ever make it 200 grand or even a livable wage. I did 77 grand the first year, and went way up after that. And the only reason that that worked was not because I followed someone’s formula or someone’s strategy. It worked because I did what turned me on.

And this might you might not be an entrepreneur or give a shit about what I’m telling you, but here’s how it relates to your own sex life and relationship. If you see movies, if you see read novels or hear stories from your friends about what turns them on, what works for them. And you’re sitting here thinking like, what doesn’t really work for me? I don’t know why it doesn’t work for me, but I want to try and see if it works for me. Women do all the second-guessing about themselves all the time, and it’s like, no stop, like, quit comparing yourself to others. Find what actually works for you. Your what turns you on isn’t necessarily what you’ve read in any book or what you’ve seen in any movie. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Find what turns you on and go with bats.

Because if you’re struggling to experience pleasure in your life, you have to get in touch with that part of you for things to start to work out for you in the way that you want. So that’s what I mean, and that’s why I wanted to give that story, because even though it’s more you know, business-related, it applies to what you’re experiencing in your sex life, in a relationship is like, don’t go for a strategy, a tip, trick or technique, that is not what is going to support you. It’s finding the things that work for you, that turn you on, that only you can discover from within yourself and with your own self. Practice with the Jade egg self pleasure, practice things like this and put all the other thoughts and judgments aside. Does that make sense?

Kevin Anthony 49:51
Yeah. Again, I completely agree this is you know, when you make it to a certain level in this business. People will start to ask you for advice, right? So I’ve had numerous people these days asking me My advice for how to start a podcast or what type of marketing they should use, or whatever. And my advice to them is always this, do the things that you love doing. In other words, I’ll just take myself as an example. People have told me for years, you got to do more social media. You got to focus more on social media and blah, blah, I hate social media, right? And the problem is, is because I don’t really like it and because I don’t spend a lot of time on it. One, I’m not up on what all the latest social media stuff is and two, I’m not gonna do it as well as I would if it was something that I love. What do I love doing? I love doing podcasts. I love doing YouTube videos. I listen to a lot of podcasts. I watch a lot of other people’s YouTube videos, right?

I’m putting my energy in the things that, as you said, turn me on, so to speak. Not to say that I get sexually turned down by those things, but you get like, they light me up, they move my energy. I get excited about doing them, right? So just using that as an example, that that’s basically what you’re saying, is to find the things in life that light you up, that turn you on, that get your creative life force, sexual energy, moving through you. And that’s how you’ll be successful.

Tilly Storm 51:22
Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Kevin Anthony 51:27
Let’s talk about the second one, which is becoming vulnerable. How does that factor into this?

Tilly Storm 51:33
Yeah, most people are very much in the in having these very surface-level conversations with their partners, and it drives me nuts. It really does okay. You have got to start sharing more of the real you and your relationship. If you’re in a relationship, it’s that passion that most people lose after the first year in the honeymoon period. The only way that stays alive is if you’re sharing your vulnerable truths. What’s actually true for you, what you really want underneath all of the conditioning and all of the pressure to do what other people say that you should do, and share it and have real conversations that don’t include working kids. Anytime you go on a date with your partner.

You know things like this. It’s like most couples are operating on such a surface-level roommate-type situation, and that is not where passion and intimacy exist. That’s the part that kills it, actually. So if you want the spice and dear love life, if you want that passion and connection, there has got to be the ability to drop all of that, to let some the mask go, and to actually share how you feel. But there are ways to do that, ladies, okay, saying go all willy nilly and share your feelings and dump everything on your man, good God, now there are ways to do this in a way that is healthy and it’s required, and it is what brings the passion a man who can pull that and contain that is very beneficial for you, and it’s really required to keep the passion alive over the course of years and decades. So, yeah, that’s basically all I have to say, that is, it’s required if you want passion.

Kevin Anthony 53:32
Yeah, and I think even more so because, for instance, another slight difference between men and women, it’s easier for men to have sex without intimacy. It’s easier for us to disconnect those two than it is for women, but for women to trust me, this is also true for men who just don’t realize it. But for women to really have amazing sex, you have to feel deeply connected to your partner. And like I said, this is, this is literally also true for men, they just, they don’t understand it. They don’t get it like they they don’t understand how much better the sex they’re they’re having could be if they would actually allow themselves to connect deeply. But that’s a whole other thing.

But for women, it is essential, really, for you to have great sex, you know you have to be able to open up and be vulnerable and connect deeply. And if you really think about it too, everything about you as a woman is designed for you to open in that experience. It is about opening and receiving. Now, of course, there are a lot of things that need to happen there. You need to feel safe, right? You need to trust the person that you’re with. You need to have, you know, some really solid like, self-worth and like, there’s a ton of stuff that, you know, there’s the groundwork that needs to be, you know, done in order to get there. But, but, yeah. The idea of really opening up and becoming vulnerable is key to having, you know, a deeply passionate sex life. You’re also right about the fact that in the beginning of relationships, you know, most people are, you know, putting on their best selves. They’re wearing the masks, right?

And they’re trying to, you know, sort of sell themselves to their partner, which I always tell people is like the worst strategy ever, because it is not sustainable. And eventually, that mask is going to fall off, you know that the tie in the back is going to come loose, it’s going to fall off, and then they’re finally going to see you. And if that’s a year and a half down the road, it’s going to be way worse, right? So as it’s always in everybody’s best interest to just be who they are from day one, it’s going to make your life a lot easier. Trust me, I agree. You mentioned in there is something also about breaking Well, you mentioned the roommate syndrome, which is kind of the third thing that I wanted to talk about what exactly is that, and how does somebody get out of it?

Tilly Storm 56:06
That’s such a big topic.

Kevin Anthony 56:07
I know I know, and I gave you a very short amount of time to talk about it, but you can just introduce the subject.

Tilly Storm 56:15
Okay, so the roommate syndrome, it tends to happen to everyone at some point. Most couples go through many phases of it and the course of 2030 years. And I have tracked patterns, because I’ve worked with lots of couples through 20 and 30-year marks, and I with all of them, it’s basically the same thing. And the one thing that seems to break it is just making it a priority, and by it, I mean their relationship and their sex life a priority. When you’re raising a family and you are in the middle of your highest income earning decades, in your 30s and 40s, it’s so hard to make that a priority.

But like we mentioned in the beginning of this podcast, it’s like, where we prioritize things is where our energy is going to go. And does it mean that you might have to pull away a little bit of energy and priority from some of these other phases, things that are important to you know, like, Yeah, maybe. But if you really want and great intimate relationship with your partner and to not end up getting divorced because you’re no longer in love with them or attracted to them, which is the mask for the real problem, then this has to become a priority. And so many relationships fall apart at this point because they don’t both choose to prioritize working on it, or if they do, they look for couples counselors or marriage and family therapists, which, by the way, have the least, the lowest success rate of any type of therapy, and I’m not here to dis therapists or counselors, but they really do. They have the worst success rates.

Sometimes people go and it’s even worse than when they started the therapy, and this is because they don’t address a lot of the root cause issues. They just go to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, and it doesn’t actually solve anything. So, you know, they think that’s the solution. And oftentimes it’s not. Sometimes it is. The most is and it’s not. And the Rheumatic syndrome, it really you’ve got to actually understand each other sexually. Because a lot of times, the reason it ends up that way is one of you gives up trying. You can’t figure your partner’s erotic language and blueprint out, and that’s another topic. But we each, just like love languages, have erotic languages. Those five love languages is five erotic languages, and many partners will give up trying because they cannot learn to speak the same language as their partner. And that’s a crying shame, because that’s not necessary that you end up in this situation just because you don’t understand how your partner operates erotically. I can teach you that Kevin can probably teach you that a book can teach you that, okay, there are things to help you, but you have to make it a priority to actually find the teachers, the guides, the mentors, who can give you the tools and the practices that you actually need to resolve this. So yeah, that’s about all I’ve got to say about that.

Kevin Anthony 59:31
I didn’t give you a lot of time to talk about it, but yes, I think you nailed the roommate syndrome and the problem that happens, and it does tend to happen frequently in couples that have been together for a long time. And it happens, in my opinion, really out of neglect, right? Because a relationship is a living being in and of itself, right? And it just, it, like you said, you might have to pull a little energy away from one area and put it into your relationship. And this is, unfortunately. Something that I don’t see people doing enough, which is, you know, when they’re in those years where they’re, you know, really deep into their career, and they’re also raising kids, and they’re, you know, focused on money and buying the next big house or whatever it is, they’re just putting their energy everywhere except their relationship.

And then they wake up 20 years later and they go, I don’t understand why. We don’t even know each other. We don’t love each other. We’re just cohabitating as roommates. Why? Because you didn’t put any energy into it. You didn’t focus on it. You allowed it to die. So yeah, but there, the good news is, is that you can learn how to do things, and it’s not nearly as hard as you think. Right? You know, sometimes, sometimes I talk about some of these things, and like, the guys especially will be like, Oh my God, that sounds like so much work. You mean, I gotta do this, and I gotta do that, and I’m like, first of all, it’s not that much work. And second of all, think about what the benefits of actually doing that work are.

Tilly Storm 1:01:01
You might not have to go out and date in 2025. You might not end up paying for a 100-grand divorce, right?

Kevin Anthony 1:01:16
I tell you when my wife and I were together. You know, when she was alive, we were, we were very, very happy that we had found each other, because we were just so, so compatible and so perfect for each other. But that aside, we used to sit there and we would say, and this is, you know, she’s been gone two and a half years now, and we were having this conversation years before that. So before things were as crazy as they are now, we used to look around and say, Thank God we found each other because man, neither of us ever wanted to be out dating in the current world that exists today.

But then again, here we are right. Apparently there’s a there’s a different plan. But I just wanted to clarify real quick before we wrap this up. I mentioned there were four main areas. Technically, we only called out three of them, but you did speak to the fourth one, which is this myth of sexual incompatibility. And you did mention the erotic blueprints. You kind of talked about it already. But if you, if there’s any last thing that you wanted to share in regards to that, please do.

Tilly Storm 1:02:32
I think in terms of couples stuff, it’s like, if you are in a relationship, oh my gosh, freaking game changer. Game Changer. If there has ever been like, we’re not really on the same page sexually, he likes different things than I do, and there’s been some friction with these things. The erotic language is where it’s at the hunt. And if you’re single, it’s not that, it’s like so important because you’re single, but when you’re entering into dating someone new that you might be serious about, it’s such an amazing conversation starter to start talking about intimacy and sex and things that you like when you’re first getting to know someone because it gives you a language. It literally gives you a language to speak to people who might not have the same desires or likes as you might meet like the perfect person on paper, but you’re starting to question if you’re sexually compatible, this is no reason to not continue to date someone if you have the right tools and you know how to navigate differences and sexual and your erotic languages.

And I, unfortunately, have been experienced in not choosing and choosing partners based on sexual compatibility above relationship compatibility, and they led to getting divorced, and when I finally stopped doing that, I finally attracted an amazing relationship partner. Despite sexual differences, we were able to overcome those differences through the power of the erotic languages, and actually being able to navigate that. It took a little while, and it was a big learning curve for me, but it’s amazing what’s actually possible when you open your mind to think like, Well, maybe it’s not that we’re incompatible. It’s just I don’t understand my partner. I really don’t understand what he needs. You know, I have my own experience of what turns me on and what I like, and it’s completely different than him, and I don’t get it.

But that doesn’t make him wrong. It doesn’t make him not the right partner for me. It just means he’s different, and I have to freaking learn how to deal with that, and I have to learn how to meet him where he’s at, just as much as he has to learn to meet me where I’m at. So I personally would not still be in a relationship of almost five. Years without this set of tools through the erotic languages. So it’s very, very powerful. If you don’t know about them, definitely, come find me and we’ll talk about it.

Kevin Anthony 1:05:11
Yeah, and they’ve been around for a long time. There it is. It is quite a body of work, for sure. And yeah, in other words, it’s not something that somebody just came up with, you know, the other day, and we’ll see how it pans out over time. It’s been around for a long time, and there’s, there’s a lot of well-known teachers who’ve been using this, this work, and it’s, it’s solid. And I like, I like the point that you were making about it too much like the love languages nobody ever really looks at the love languages and says, Oh, we’re different love languages, therefore we’re incompatible. Like nobody does that. Everybody just looks at the love language and goes, Oh, okay, I just need to learn how to speak my partner’s love language, right?

And so making that comparison here is much of the time it would be the same here, which is that if you can just learn to speak your partner’s language if you’re willing to speak their language, you can solve a lot of the issues. Now, there are possibilities that you know somebody’s blueprint requires some things in the sexual realm that you are just an absolute no to, and that’s fine, but in general, I think you can solve a lot of the so-called incompatibilities simply by learning to understand your partner what it is that they need.

Tilly Storm 1:06:27
Yes.

Kevin Anthony 1:06:29
Okay. Well, fascinating conversation. I really enjoyed it. We are, of course, a little bit over time, so we do need to wrap up now, so please take a moment to tell the listeners where they can find you if they’re interested in working with you and just getting into your world, your ecosystem. And I believe you have something else coming up that you want to invite people to as well.

Tilly Storm 1:06:57
Yeah, well, I have a podcast that’s, I think, as old as yours. It’s called the multiorgasmic millionaire, and that would be the place to, like, really dive into my stuff. I also have a free course for you ladies. It’s normally $27 it’s called spiced and it’s how to ignite the fire and how to break the ice and ignite the fire in your love life. And it’s for single or partnered women, and you can get that with a coupon code for free at his link that he’ll share with you, so be sure to check it out. It’s his little seven-day challenge on that. I’ll go a lot deeper with you on these things we talked about four of them today, but they’re actually seven, but you’ll learn way more about that and the Spiced challenge.

Kevin Anthony 1:07:48
All right, all right. So remember to check out the multiorgasmic Millionaire podcast. Of course, you do have your website also, which is tillystorm.com and then there will be a link to the Spiced challenge as well. Till thank you for coming on the show and having this discussion with me. I really enjoyed it, and I there were at least two or three things in there that we probably could have done whole shows. And so maybe I will have you back in the future to explore those a little deeper.

Tilly Storm 1:08:23
Yay. All right, cool. Thanks for having me.

Kevin Anthony 1:08:26
All right, everybody that’s all the time I have for this episode, and I will see you next week.

I hope you like this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe, leave me a review and share it with your friends, and for more free exclusive content, join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening, and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!