This Is How To Become A Legendary Lover

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and your relationships.

All right. Welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 319 and it is titled, this is How to Become a Legendary Lover. Big words, big promises, I know, but it is indeed possible if you are a man and you’re listening to this and you’ve never had a woman tell you that you were the best lover she’s ever had, then you need to listen to every word of this show so long time, listeners know that this is a subject that’s near and dear to my heart. It’s a huge part of the work that I’ve been doing for many years and that my wife did when she was alive, as well, helping them become the best lover they can be.

There are so many reasons why you would want to do this. They range from, you know, maximizing your own pleasure and potential to satisfying your partner, to creating the best relationship that you could possibly have, and so much more, which we’ll get into. I just wanted to kind of mention a few of those real quick, to sort of tease you a little bit, whet your appetite for why you really want to listen to this and figure out how to do this. I can honestly tell you, from my own personal experience that mastering this has had a profound effect on my life and my relationships, and I know it can for many others because I’ve helped many other people have this, maybe not the same, but a similar, profound effect on their life and their relationships. Also, if you’re watching on YouTube, you can see I have a guest with me today. He is also an expert in this field, and I am really curious to hear his perspectives on this topic. So without further ado, we’re just going to get right into it.

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Okay, so who is my guest today? I have Jim Benson. He is a sky-dancing Tantra teacher, a certified coach, counselor, and a sex and relationship wizard. His coaching programs have helped 1000s of men around the world enjoy more deeply satisfying sex lives. If we’re going to talk about how to become a sexual master or a legendary lover, it seems like we got the right men on the show today. Welcome Jim.

Jim Benson 3:22
It’s great to be here. I’m glad that we have a chance to chat a little bit and see if it’s possible that men watching this can learn a little bit from both of us.

Kevin Anthony 3:33
I certainly hope that they will. So we gotta start right at the beginning here. And the first question I have for you is, when we talk about becoming a legendary lover, what does that really mean?

Jim Benson 3:54
Well, you could say it’s like you said in your intro, that there’s a way that a woman would look at you as in the very top tier of men who’ve been with her. So the effect that you’re having on the the woman that you’re with is going to be very powerful and deep, let’s say, but that’s kind of referring to an outside source. So you could be with a woman who maybe is just very into one orgasm and lights off and five or 10 minutes, and you wouldn’t seem like necessarily, like a legendary lover to her. So it’s also about the interaction with you and a partner, and what’s that connection like, and how do you build a connection? So there are things you can do on your own right to become a legendary lover, what we’re calling legendary lover. And then there are things you can do with a partner, and then there are things you can do together. So you can do things for her, to have her be really turned on. You can do things for yourself to build your own sexual stamina, awareness skills, pleasure, and body. All those things, and then there’s a connection between the two of you.

Kevin Anthony 5:04
Yeah, I’m so glad that you’ve already, in the very first question, brought up the fact that it’s a whole lot more than what most people think. In other words, when you say to most people like, you know, become a legendary lover, become a sexual master, like a lot of men, will think, okay, so you’re gonna teach me what buttons to push, right? And this special triple tongue flip technique, and suddenly I’m gonna be a master lover, right? And the reality is that that’s just not true, right? There’s so much more to becoming what we would call a legendary lover or sexual master, right? And it incorporates a lot of the dynamics between the two of you, which is what you were just alluding to here, right?

So we’re going to, of course, dive into that a whole lot more, but I’m glad that you brought that up right from the start, because, you know, doing, doing this work. I don’t know if you’ve come across this before or not, but it’s definitely something that I come across, which is that, as I just mentioned, a lot of men, they just want to learn, you know, the tricks, like, how do I do the sexual tricks thing? You know, it’s like that old episode of Seinfeld, right, with his special technique, right? It’s just like, I’m always trying to explain to men that’s not really what it’s about, right? And what it’s really about is, how do you master yourself. How do you master your own energy? How do you create that dynamic with your partner?

And those are a lot of times what I would consider more soft skills, right? As opposed to, you know, flip this button, touch your clitoris this way, you know, hit the Gspot, whatever. Not that you don’t incorporate some of that other stuff as well, but there’s just so much more to it. And a lot of times the guys, they look at you like a deer in headlights, like, just, just show me what button to push. And I’m like, if that’s the mentality that you’re in, you’re never going to become a legendary lover. You might be good, right? You might work for some women, yeah.

Jim Benson 6:56
And I think there’s a certain way the masculine just wants the step-by-step strategy to get to the end result. You know, as masculine-bodied beings, we tend towards that, and so we have to develop, actually, a softer side, exactly like you’re saying for some of those deeper, more connected skills, so it doesn’t feel like you’re a technique robot having sex with her. You’re actually a living, breathing pleasure, experiencing orgasm yourself and bringing that to her.

Kevin Anthony 7:32
Yeah, and as much as she might like the technique robot part, to a certain extent, she’s never going to put you at the top of the list if you’re missing all those other traits as well, right?

Jim Benson 7:43
Yeah. I mean, I experienced that from being a sexual skills guy in my 20s, like I learned all the skill things and how to last longer and all that. And I think that there are women who, if I interviewed them today, they would say, you know, there was just something missing there. I didn’t feel your heart. I didn’t feel your real connection with me. Whatever that mysterious thing is, I didn’t get it with you.

Kevin Anthony 8:06
Yes, absolutely, you just said something so important there they might say, of your old self, I didn’t feel your heart, and that is a huge piece to this entire skill set. Just, we’ll put it that way. Okay, so, we kind of already alluded to this. You were kind of talking about it a little bit there, but if so, what are some of the traits of a great lover, right? So we’ve already said it’s not just what button you push, and we’ve talked about some things, but maybe throw out just a few of the traits of what it really means to be a great lover.

Jim Benson 8:42
So in terms of the skills that you’re that we talked about, it is helpful to have that as a baseline, so you do know where the clitoris is, and you’re well educated, and you have some sensitivity to having a woman have orgasms. And that’s that’s a skill to learn. It’s also important just to work on your stamina, so that you feel like I can last as long as I want, like my mastering my ejaculatory impulse. You know, I’m feeling confident. I’m having more confidence in how I’m showing up in the bedroom. So that’s that would be another piece of it. I think this is one that not a lot of people cover, and that’s working on your blocks to being a greater sexual man, a greater sexual, awakened, autonomous feeling man. And so that would be working on some of your shame history, working on trauma from the past, just different things that might be affecting you today, from being a more open channel for sexual energy and love energy to pour through.

So those are that’s kind of a starting point. And then men discovering their own pleasure. Yeah, I’m just gonna kind of keep laying things out here for you. That’s okay, yeah. So, so, you know, I’m certain, like, just hearing you talk about men taking things into their own hands, I’m like, Oh yeah, you actually need to practice turning yourself on and feeling your own pleasure. And I have guys make a pleasure list of things that bring them pleasure. So it’s like cultivating your own pleasure so you can bring that to the partnership. I think that was a way that I when I was in my 20s again, I felt like it was all about her pleasure. I’m doing this. I’m the I’m the pleasure machine to to get her, to secure her love or her interest, whatever that was. But I wasn’t actually bringing my whole self there and feeling my own pleasure. So that’s an important piece.

Kevin Anthony 10:42
Yeah, absolutely. Oh yeah, continue. If you have a few more,

Jim Benson 10:46
Just a few more, just like important to build connections so that you’re, it’s not just you and her. There’s a sense of, I’m, we’re merging our energies together. We’re coming together in a really beautiful way. And what are ways we can do that? And then I think ultimately, it’s about dropping technique. You can’t be focused on that. You have to be if you can drop lower than the technique mindset and where you’re a strategizing guy, and you can drop instead into the more intuitive, aware man that’s in the moment, that’s very present with what’s unfolding. That’s where the legendary, the name the legendary, starts to come into play because now you’re in a very present-oriented dance with your partner, and not in some kind of transactional sexual experience.

Kevin Anthony 11:37
Yeah, absolutely that. And you mentioned a very important word in there, which was present. And we definitely want to come back to that, because that is something that I see in today’s world as one of the biggest challenges men have when it comes to this. Okay, we need to take a couple of steps back, and then I want to start kind of going slowly through what you just said because you just said a lot. You threw a lot of stuff out there that I’m sure half of it probably just went right over men’s head. So we’re going to have to come back to some of that. But So you heard the ad that I did at the beginning of the show, which is for some online courses that my wife and I created that are around all of this subject matter and the way that’s structured.

I’m not here to do an ad for that, but I just wanted to make a point here with it, the way that’s structured is there are three separate courses. The first one is about erectile dysfunction. So that’s a huge problem these days. It’s a far bigger problem than it used to be. Even we’re seeing it in 20 and 30-year-old men who are having problems achieving erections. So phase one of that is designed to help them get at least their anatomy functioning. Step two is a program called Master Your ejaculation. And the whole point of that is to give you that ground level of can you control your ejaculatory impulse? So the reason I’m saying this is because it’s exactly what you just said, right? Like we built that to be a progression, a step-by-step progression.

And then the third part is sexual mastery, which takes you into all of these types of skills. And so I just kind of wanted people to see that like, this is really how you need to approach it, right? Get your physical body working, learn to master your physical body, and then take it further than that and learn the rest of these skills. And that’s, that’s essentially what you’re saying as well. And by the way, by the way, that that line in the ad about taking it into your own hands absolutely had a double meaning. Thank you for getting that.

Jim Benson 13:38
Yeah, there’s a certain, there’s an arc, right, that we’re talking about, that you and I see as necessary for guys to go from feeling inadequate or inexperienced to being like, oh, okay, now I’m gaining mastery at this level, and now I can take it to the next level. So yeah, so we’re aligned.

Kevin Anthony 13:58
Let’s dive a little bit into all of those skills that you just shared. Let’s just take the first one and talk just a little bit about each one, so that anyone listening can get a little bit better idea of what you really meant when you put those things out there.

Jim Benson 14:14
Sure, I mean, I don’t know how much time you want to spend talking about the skills to learn, but you can pick a lot of that up on YouTube or other programs. I mean, I’ve actually sent porn. I know, if you’re working with guys with erectile dysfunction and they’re younger, a lot of times porn is the issue. But sometimes, if they’re not really addicted to the porn, I’ll send them in particular clips of born where it’s like, this is not for show or professionally done. It’s more like, this is how you would might lick a pussy. And here are some things you could do step by step in order to do that. And there are books that teach that you know, she comes first, uh, open her uh. Um, yeah, there’s just a number of different books out there now that are very well done in terms of how to navigate your way around a woman’s anatomy.

Kevin Anthony 15:09
Yeah, absolutely, which is a very like we said, sort of baseline, right? A place you need to start. You’re absolutely right. By the way, with the young men who are experiencing erectile dysfunction and porn is definitely a huge factor. Another thing I’ve been seeing lately is anxiety being a huge factor too, because a lot of these younger generations, are starting to date a lot later in life, they have a lot less experience. I mean, I’m having people reaching out to me in their 30s and sometimes even 40s, and they haven’t even dated yet, right? Yeah. And they’re like, What do I do? Where do I get started? You know?

And it’s like, for you and me, like, I was a lot like you when I was younger. I just wanted to be the like, I wanted to master all the skills, basically. And so I didn’t have access, really, to a lot of books and stuff, but I found information wherever I could. I experimented a lot, you know, some of it worked, some of it was a total failure, you know, but I just always wanted, but, but I’m, I’m seeing that in the younger generations. That’s not how they’re approaching things, for whatever reasons, right? But then when they do decide they want to actually attempt a relationship, they have massive anxiety around it, because they have no experience, no skills, and they didn’t spend from the time they were 15 years old until 20, screwing around trying to figure it out, you know? And now they’re 30, and they’ve had zero experience, and they’re freaking out about it.

Jim Benson 16:31
Yeah, totally. And it’s, you know, it’s a lot for someone to kind of get all at once, because there’s dating, there’s relationship, there’s sex, there’s like, it’s all happening at the same time. So if you’re trying to, you know, meet someone, and then you know, your clothes are coming off and you’re having some anxiety or sexual shame come up, it’s like, it’s not easy, it’s a challenging situation.

Kevin Anthony 16:56
So, yeah, so you just mentioned shame. Let’s dive into that again, because that’s another thing that I see. You know really often, not just with men, but with women, just people in general, have a lot of sexual shame, and it absolutely gets in the way of them really being able to access their sexuality. I wonder if you could just talk a little bit about that, like, how do you see that showing up with men? You know, what types of things might you do to help them with those blocks?

Jim Benson 17:23
Yeah, I mean, a shame is going to show up in a lot of different ways. Sometimes we’ll just call it embarrassment or shyness, or, you know, there, there’s and there’s healthy shame, and then there’s what we could call toxic sexual shame. And a lot of times that’s happened, you get an imprint when you’re younger, that sex is not okay, either someone hit your hand when you were masturbating, or someone told you don’t ever do that again. Or there’s some kind of excitement or or pleasure you’re feeling in your body that gets squished and then that becomes a trauma. There are repercussions from that, that it’s like a trauma.

So the challenge is noticing that when it’s happening, and you can do that either by yourself when you’re let’s say you’re self-pleasuring, and right after you ejaculate, you like, clean up, or you like, lock the door, you hope nobody’s listening. Or, you know, those that are all shame-oriented stuff so or with a partner, maybe having body shame come up or, or, you know, other things come up about the size of your cock. Or, you know, anything could come up that is going to be an inhibitor for you feeling relaxed, like, you know, the non-anxiety that you’re talking about, how can I feel more relaxed? How can I be more genuine? How can I be myself with this person and not have to feel like I have to act a certain way in order to have them love, appreciate, and want to be intimate with me?

Kevin Anthony 18:54
Yeah, and you know how you show up in the sexual situation, in the moment with your partner is absolutely going to be different if you’ve got a bunch of shame in the way. Because it’s like you said when you’re masturbating, it’s like, do you clean up real quick? And like, hope nobody heard anything. And like, have shame around that if you bring that same mentality or anxiety into the actual lovemaking, you’re going to basically do the same kind of thing. Let’s just get it over with real quick. Let’s have the lights off, you know, that’s like, you know, clean up real fast. And let’s not talk about it, right? And think about how that affects the experience that that you co-create, versus if you show up very open about it, you know.

And this is the thing, too. It’s like I mentioned earlier, I didn’t really have access to a lot of information when I was younger. I mean, I don’t know how old you are. We’re probably roughly close to the same age. I’m 50, right? So, you know, when I was growing up, I didn’t have access to a lot of you know information on this, so I couldn’t go to people like you or like me and say, teach me, right? I just had to kind of figure it out and learn right? I. Uh, but one of the ways that we did that was by being open to the fact that maybe there’s more that I don’t know, and maybe I can enroll my partner in experimenting with some of this stuff. But you’re not going to do that if you’ve got all this shame baggage hanging on top of you, right? So it’s going to limit your ability to really see and explore what sex could be.

Jim Benson 20:25
Yeah, and it’s going to keep you from experiencing your own pleasure as well. Because that’s another key that we talked about was, if you’re feeling pleasure in your own body, like imagine that you’re with a woman and she’s just not really into feeling much pleasure, and she’s resisting you, and there are some blocks, and she’s not aware of them, but you can feel them like, would that be this? Would that be a legendary lover material? Probably not. It’s going to feel a little disconnected, maybe a lot disconnected. And so it’s the same for you. If you’re feeling pleasure in your body, you’re allowing yourself to experience more relaxation, you’re going to feel more confident. You’re going to bring the confidence into the bedroom. So all of that’s like a positive spiral, instead of this kind of anxiety-ridden, shame-induced downward spiral.

Kevin Anthony 21:18
Yeah, and this brings me to another point that you mentioned also, which is that one of the keys to really being a legendary lover is to do the inner work yourself. I don’t know if you see this, but this is something I see a lot. I get on a discovery call with some guy, and he’s interested, potentially in wanting to do some coaching and learning. And inevitably, the question comes up, well, I don’t have a partner right now. So is all this just a waste of time? Like, should I wait until I have a partner? It’s a common question I get all the time to which I say, No, now is the perfect time. This is the best time to actually learn this stuff, learn what you need to learn now, so that you don’t have to f it up when you get into a relationship, right?

But it’s this idea of and this is another part that’s sometimes a tough sell with people, is like, you do realize that everything’s an inside job. It all starts from within, and you need to do the work to become the best version of yourself that you can become so that you can show up that’s the best version in a relationship. So it’s just, I wonder. You know, if you could comment a little bit on that idea of, you know what it really means to do the interpersonal work and why that’s so important.

Jim Benson 22:30
I just think of it as a like, if you’re riding a motorcycle, you want to learn how to ride the motorcycle before you take a passenger on right? That is learning how to handle the thing solo. So you know how to balance it. You know you feel like you’re comfortable going through all the gears, and now you can have someone climb on back and ride with you. So it’s it’s a very similar thing to that. I think it’s crucial that a man start to discover his own body, maybe in a way he never has before. So for instance, the first part of my multi-orgasmic lover for men program, I have guys do a self-massage and self-discovery. It’s a way of, you know, finding out, oh, maybe I do like this. Maybe I don’t. I know. I’ve had this body for, you know, multiple decades, but maybe there’s some things that I don’t know about it. So that’s that’s the beginning. And then, of course, there’s a series of self-pleasuring practices to do, using breath, using movement, using sound, all the things that are important to having greater pleasure accessible to you.

Kevin Anthony 23:36
One of the things I have found over the years, that I have, obviously, in my courses, and when I coach, masturbation practice is in there too. I call mine the mindful masturbation practice, right? So I’m sure it’s very similar to what you’re teaching. I didn’t invent it, you know? I’ve learned from all these resources out there, and it’s always interesting to me, that most men, unless they’ve been taught otherwise, masturbate the same way they did when they were 15 years old. 15, yep, right, which is hurry up and get it over with and go straight for the orgasm.

Jim Benson 24:12
And you’ve trained yourself to ejaculate quickly and to not be aware of anything other than, usually some kind of visual image, like you’re either watching porn or you’re having a fantasy in your head of a picture of something, and you’re disconnected from the somatic experience, or your body’s experience of the pleasure. So that’s a retraining that I like to do with men. Like, okay, let’s taper off the porn and the visualization and start to come into the body. How can we experience ourselves as pleasure beings, as opposed to a machine that’s headed towards orgasm as quickly as possible?

Kevin Anthony 24:49
Yeah, absolutely, so in when teaching that practice, number one, porn is out you, I’m if you’re going to do this practice, I’m teaching you, and you’re going to use porn just. Won’t even bother doing the practice. Right? Porns got to be at least temporarily suspended 100% while you’re relearning this.

Jim Benson 25:11
I do it a little differently. I have sometimes I’ll have guys do their, you know, porn masturbation in one area of the house, and then go do self-pleasuring, what I call more their exploration in another area, so they can now titrate themselves. And they’re not just like, Oh, I’m I, you know, I’m going to be bad. What would my coach say if I report back to him that I masturbated to porn instead of be like, Okay, you can start to choose. And at some point, you know, the dopamine levels shift, and all of a sudden something happens over here, and they’re like, Oh, I’m getting all this tingling in my body, or I’m starting to shake uncontrollably. And is that an orgasm? You know? So these things start to happen, and by not totally shutting off the porn, I’m giving a little out. But I asked the guys to be honest with me when they come back and be like, Okay, what percentage are we talking about now?

Kevin Anthony 26:04
Yeah, that’s actually a great idea. I like how you do that. I might try that in the future. Most of the time I find, at least with a lot of clients I work with, they have a poor ability to be able to separate the two, and that’s why I’ve always said, like, just put it on pause. I’m not telling you you can never look at porn ever again, but, and definitely, when you’re doing the actual practice, there can’t be porn. So I love that the difference, one of the things that you shared in there, which I really liked, was go in a different room, right? So it’s not even the same thing, only right now I’ve got porn on, and right now I don’t have porn on. It’s like you’re creating more of a separation by saying you’re going to set up a different environment for your practice versus the porn.

Jim Benson 26:51
I actually got that from I got that from a client. He said I do two in two separate places. And I went, That’s a great idea because you have this thing that you know now you’re not competing in the same space with these two different practices. You have a separate place to go do your self-pleasuring. I thought that was brilliant, so I started incorporating it.

Kevin Anthony 27:11
Yeah, I think it’s a great idea. That’s actually the first time I’ve heard anybody share that in this particular practice. So that’s great. Okay, so there’s something that we kind of talked about a little bit, but I just wanted to come back to it again, and it’s in my mind right now, because we’re talking about this self-pleasuring practice. So we were talking about why it’s important for men to do the solo work, and obviously, the self-pleasure practice came up. One of the big things that the self-pleasuring practice does, aside from learning you know what your pleasure is and reprogramming your habits, one of the benefits of that is also to last longer. I have actually had men tell me, why would I want to last longer. This question just blows my mind, because it’s I’m realizing in the moment, wow, you don’t even know what you don’t know, right? I’m wondering if you could speak a little bit to the audience about why is it that you would want to learn to last longer as a man, what benefits would you your partner, and the whole sexual experience potentially get out of that.

Jim Benson 28:22
Well, generally speaking, it takes women longer to orgasm than it does for men to reach orgasm, especially through penetration. So if the only thing you’re doing with your female partner is penetrating her, it’s going to take her a while, and maybe never, like there’s some percentage of women that will never orgasm from penetration alone. So it’s your benefit. It’s to your benefit if you can learn to last longer so that you can more match your partner’s arousal slope the way that you’re both getting turned on together, or you maybe you get up to a peak or a plateau and you can stay there for a while, until she can get up and join you, and then you can both go orgasm together.

So the benefit is that, ideally, for the relationship, that you can have a mutual pleasure that’s happening, but for you if you can learn to have greater stamina and also experience a lot of pleasure while you’re doing it, and not just being a machine around it like I’m going to get to the edge. I’m going to find my edge and come back and it becomes more of an edging challenge, as opposed to I’m experiencing great I’m going to experience more pleasure while this is happening. I’m going to breathe this up through my body. I’m going to play with other parts of my body in order to have this be a fully pleasurable experience. And again, it’s a part of us. Maybe, if you’re a real giver as a man, this is a chance to become a receiver or to give to yourself so that you can now experience a greater level of enjoyment. It be. In your body?

Kevin Anthony 30:04
The point I kind of wanted to make there, which you helped me make, is that there’s a benefit for you, obviously, as an individual, right? Because you will, you’ll actually get more pleasure out of it yourself, your woman will get more pleasure out of it, right? Which will increase the overall experience, it will enhance the overall experience. The other thing that is really interesting about being able to last longer is that when you’ve truly mastered that, when you can honestly say that you know how to control your ejaculation, and I don’t mean control your ejaculation by like, picturing Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day, you know, or, like, you know, counting or thinking about baseball stats, or any of the other dumb tricks that people teach you that work to some extent but don’t really solve the problem when you can really do it without having to consciously think about it all the time. Yeah, right then, because when you are consciously thinking about it all the time, you’re struggling like you’re hanging on for dear life, trying not to ejaculate the entire time, then you’re not actually present with the act that’s going on, right?

And women will feel this immediately when you check out, and then it doesn’t matter you could check out because you’re trying to control your ejaculation. You could check out because you’re in fantasy land, right? You’re thinking of some fantasy or some porn you watched, or whatever, whatever the reason is, you can check out because as life stresses the second you do that, even if you’re staring straight into her eyes, she feels it, and she knows you’re not there with her, and it shuts her down right? So you want to be able to be able to control your body. Look, we’re not machines, as you rightly pointed out. And I always say mileage will vary, like, some days for us, like I do not have to think about it at all and I could go five hours without ever thinking about controlling my ejaculation, and other times I have to consciously think about it. I’m tired. My body’s off. Whatever it is like. We’re not machines. But in general, if you can get to that place where you can let go of consciously having to think about that and worry about that, you can lower that anxiety level. Now you can be present. And that’s the next piece that I really wanted to talk about. I want to know if you could talk a little bit about the importance of that presence piece when it comes to making love with your woman.

Jim Benson 32:31
I don’t know if there’s anything more important honestly. I think that if you if you asked women, it’d be great if we had someone here on the show who would kind of give us the feedback around that. But it’d be like, Would you want the guy with, you know, incredible skills, or do you want a guy who’s going to be totally present with you the whole time? Most women would choose the presence guy. They’d be like, hey, I can coach and then on some skills, but if he’s not present with me, I’m not sure I can get him to do that. So you know present means to be in your body, to be aware of what’s happening in your body. So there’s a kind of mindfulness where you’re tracking yourself and being like, Oh, I’m having an emotion come up, or, huh, I’m feeling something’s off here. I better speak to that. Like, there’s you’re just here. And available for whatever’s arising at the time.

Yeah, so if you’re doing that with a partner, suddenly they’re going to trust you more because they know that you’re there with them. And it’s not like you’re they’re not like, wondering, was he doing baseball statistics again? Or thank you for Margaret Thatcher? Or, like, where did he go? You know, he said that sometimes he’s not present. But if you and then if you can even call yourself on that and be like, Ah, sorry, just for a couple of minutes, a couple of moments, there, I was just not with you. I was just thinking about work for a second, but I’m back here again so she can start calibrating to you and trusting that you’re going to be present with her, and then she can relax and open up more. So it kind of cascades again in that positive spiral that we talked about.

So yeah, you’re, if you’re present and available, you can be ready for whatever is going to arise. And that includes, you know, bonking your head with hers, or, you know, pulling out accidentally, or a pussy fart or whatever, like, you know, things are happening. And you know, rather than shut down when that happens, you kind of laugh about it, and you keep on going, because there’s a spaciousness inside of you that’s available to really, really be with yourself and your partner. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 34:41
I completely agree with you. I think if we, if we polled 100 women, you know, what is most important to them when it comes to sex, probably 100 of them would say presents. But you know, there might be one or two that maybe just want straight-up physical.

Jim Benson 34:59
Yeah, or confidence, they might say confidence, which is kind of aligned with presence. You know, that that might be something that’d be they’d be up there on the if we had them checking the boxes.

Kevin Anthony 35:09
Yeah, it might depend a little bit on how we posed that question, because, you know, but if we did a good job of explaining what we meant by presence when asking that question, I know every woman would say, Yes, I know they will. I’ve heard it more times than I could count. I also, in addition to coaching men, I also coach women as well. And I’ve been coaching these groups of women lately, and so I hear it all from them. I hear everything that they’re like. I mean, I have my own personal experience, right? And, you know, the women that I’ve been with have all said that that’s hugely important to them, but I hear over and over and over again because it’s that connection that they’re really craving.

And like you said, a lot of women are absolutely willing to teach you what she wants or needs from the skill point of view, as long as the other piece is there, but the reverse is not true. In other words, if that piece isn’t there, they’re like, I’m not interested in teaching you anything. I don’t care, because even if I teach it to you, you’re still not going to give me what I really want but I really crave. Which is your connection? Which we you know, we said, also you mentioned much earlier in the show that piece about your heart, right? And how important that is. Maybe that’s a good, a good thing to talk about a little bit is the importance of that heart connection for a woman.

Jim Benson 36:33
Yeah, I think some guys are very already, kind of, you could say, heart oriented, or maybe they’re nice guys, the kind of the nice guy syndrome, and they are, they’re in their hearts, and they’re loving. They’re not bringing much of the edge or the bad boy or the intensity or passion, which is the other thing that women want. So it’s what’s that combination of heartfulness, but a little edge? What’s that? How can you be attuned and loving and caring and at the same time, bring intensity and passion? So that’s a challenge for a lot of men. I know, for me, that was a key to starting to become a legendary lover, when I moved from skills guy into heartfelt guy.

And in my instance, it was a partner who was particularly heartfelt that I felt open to in a loving way. And it’s it brought something out of me and also, I was starting to do Tantra right around that time. So I was beginning to do, oh, like there’s more than just this, these skills, the skill set. So I think heartfulness with another partner, but also, I do a lot of work in my program with guys on opening their heart and what, what does that mean? And how can you do that, especially if you come from more of a bad boy background, or if you’re more of a bully type, or, you know you’re not as in touch with your heart and its protections? So what can you do to soften the heart? Working with your own inner child, seeing the inner child and other people, doing things, compassionate meditations, Buddhist Mehta, Mehta meditations, so different things you can do to start softening the hard places, or the protections around your heart that always produce good results with a partner.

Kevin Anthony 38:31
I have an interesting question for you about your journey. So both when you were skills guy, would you have described yourself as you know, more of the softy New Age guy, or more of sort of the old school masculine guy, softy New Age Jim). Okay, so you, you would, you would have said you were more softy New Age, and then you were learning how to open your heart. So at some point, I’m assuming, just based on what we’ve talked about in your current level of knowledge, you got to a place where you could incorporate that sort of edginess part that you know, that masculine part that women are looking for. I’m wondering if you could talk a little bit about that journey, as far as how you were able to go through those different stages.

Because the stages are absolutely there, and I see them, they’re happening almost in reverse now, which is, it used to be a lot of the guys were, you know, the old school, What? What? You know, my wife and I was termed like the macho asshole, masculine, right? And they had to learn how to soften, right? But now what I’m seeing is, especially in the younger generations, I’m seeing a lot of these guys are coming in as Mr. New Age, softy guy, and they struggle, absolutely struggle with, how do I incorporate a healthy masculine into this scenario? Because I don’t want to be that old-school macho, asshole, masculine guy. So since you said that, you’ve kind of started off in that, that more spiritual, softy guy. How did you get there? How did you make that transition into incorporating the healthy masculine?

Jim Benson 40:03
I have to give a lot of credit to my work with David Deida. I did workshops with him, did coaching with his female coaches, read all of his material. You know, I have, I have opinions about his work now, but there was some way it activated a more intense masculine edge in me that I’m really grateful for. And I took it further from the work that I did with him, and it’s I actually, I totally agree with you about the younger generation coming up, and in fact, so many of us that were raised in even though we could call it a patriarchy, there’s a strong feminist undertone that that’s there around, you know, taking care of women to the point of losing contact with yourself.

So it’s about being in touch with your own wants and needs. I think that has a lot to do with it, and it also has to do with the physicality, like getting more into your physical body and doing things like hitting, hitting things like I would take tennis rack old tennis rackets, I get a garage sales, and I just beat them on the couch until they broke, and then I do another one. Like I would just work on not just anger, but passion and intensity so that I felt like I was no longer had a reservoir behind me that was full of unfelt, dark or intense feelings, and the more I let that out, the more it became more I just flowed more as a more my masculine was able To come out more easily, as opposed to feeling like I had to hold it all together and be a nice guy because I didn’t want to be that asshole, jerk that you just described.

Kevin Anthony 41:49
Yeah, so that is absolutely a key. And once again, I’m not surprised and happy to hear you know that your approach is so similar to my own. As far as like, how do we get men to access that part? Because what has happened a lot in society now is we’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater, right? Like there are some really great positive aspects to that macho asshole masculine, there are some really bad negative ones too, yes, but, but then as a society, we’ve just thrown the whole thing out and said, Don’t be any of that stuff anymore. And that’s a problem, right?

And so you, you know, taking a tennis racket and just, you know, breaking stuff like, you know, it’s a masculine thing. We create stuff, we build stuff, and we tear stuff down. You know, there are times when we need to access our destroyer, right, our warrior thing, right? So, how do we get men to do that the way I’ve traditionally done that is through martial arts, which I, you know, I’m a big advocate of multi-disciplined martial arts myself, so it just comes easy to me, and it’s something that, you know, I highly encourage men to do. One of the things I’ve always loved about real martial arts is that, as opposed to, you know, some of the newer, more aggressive ones, is that they also teach you the discipline and the control that goes along with it. And so I always say all the time, you know the guy that you see at the bar or outside the bar or wherever like talking tough guy puffing his chest out and wanting to fight everybody is almost never the trained, the truly trained martial arts, he might be new in a program or something like that. The quiet guy in the corner is probably the baddest guy in the room, right? Because true martial arts understand that power and control and responsibility that comes with that power, right?

So that’s just another way, but it’s whatever your way is you want to access those really positive traits of the masculine and then integrate them in with the Open Heart and the ability to connect, the ability to actually share your emotions from time to time. So those are all really great ways to bring that together. And I’m glad that you shared a little bit about your path and how that worked for you. Okay, I got a million questions here, and I’m already, like, 15 minutes past when I’m supposed to do the next break. So let me just read the next break real quick, and then we’ll jump back in.

Okay, all right, man, are you tired of falling short in both the bedroom and in your relationship? Do you want your woman to respect you and crave your cock? Do you want to be the man she secretly brags about to all her friends? What if you could become this man? What if you could not only master your masculine sexuality but also be the dream man who shows up for his woman in all the ways that she desires? What if you could become so irresistible that she becomes addicted to you? If you’re ready to become that man, then go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/warrior. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/warrior. That, of course, is an ad for my Men’s coaching program where everything that we’re talking about today we do.

And Jim, you know Jim’s going to share his program, I’m sure. At the end, I’ll give him plenty of opportunity to talk about all his programs. I always say, because I have lots of people on my show who do similar things to me in one way or another, and I always say, Go, if you’re thinking about hiring somebody, go hire the person that you resonate with. Maybe you love everything that Jim is saying, and you feel his energy matches yours more, great go hire Jim, and if you like what I’m doing, then hire me. What I truly care about most. I mean, yeah, I gotta make a living. But what I truly care about most is that we get as many men as possible up to speed. We’ve got to get you into your powerful, masculine, but also your integrated, awakened, whatever term you want to use. We got to get as many of us up there as possible.

Yeah, so if you like my program, great, if you like Jim’s, great, if you like somebody else’s, whatever, just get somebody that actually knows what they’re talking about. That’s That’s my biggest concern because there’s a lot of snake oil salesmen out in this industry as well. Okay, so we’re running a little short on time. I have so many more questions, but let’s talk a little bit about what are some of the biggest obstacles that you see men running into when it comes to all the things that we’ve just talked about, like learning all of that stuff, becoming that man. What are some of the biggest obstacles you see?

Jim Benson 46:01
Well, certainly everything we’ve been talking about, shame, blockages, lack of skill, knowledge, unwillingness to feel pleasure in your own body. You know, all those things I could say, If a man is not doing them, they’re going to keep him from becoming a legendary lover. I think that the two, two things that are standing up to me right now are a disconnection from what it is to be in a deep relationship with your partner, even if it’s a new partner doesn’t have, doesn’t mean you have to be together for years and years, but a willingness to drop into your own depth, and therefore being willing to hold the depth of another person. So there’s something about the full spectrum. You see their beauty, their physical beauty, you feel their heart. And then you see who they are in their essence. So you can feel their essence.

And you need to be able to feel your own essence in order to be able to do that with a partner. So that’s that’s like a deeper level. And then, in terms of your own inner listening, I found that for me, when I’ve able, when I’ve been able to drop my technique, or any technique at all, and instead I’m just listening. It’s like a jazz musician who knows his scales and then is just going to improvise. So when you go into improvisational mode. You’re now in that state of flow or a place where magic is really happening. And the degree to which you’re resistant to being in a flow state is the degree to which you’re going to fall short of becoming this legendary lover that we’re talking about. So the most magical times I’ve had, and I just have to say, in my I’m in my 60s, so I’m I’ve had a lot of different sexual experiences from short and long term, but the most magical ones are happening more recently, because I’m just getting better at being present and dropping my expectations and going into flow states, and then a way I couldn’t when I was in my 20s and 30s. So whatever you can do to cultivate that in yourself, so that you can allow your intuition where it’s like, I’m going to do this to her.

All of a sudden, I’m doing things I never imagined I would do before, and some of them are pretty intense, and the reaction, because we’re in connection with, I’m in connection with my partner, we’re feeling a heart connection, the reaction is extremely powerful and positive. So she’s having a ton of pleasure that she didn’t know she could experience. And I’m doing things I never knew I could do. And you know, it’s off the map. It’s off whatever map that I had. So a willingness to explore the unknown, I would say, would be a key to getting all the way to this legendary lover that we’re talking about.

Kevin Anthony 49:33
Yeah, absolutely. So this kind of, this kind of leads me to the next question I have for you, which is, if, some if, if there’s a man out there and he’s listening to this episode and he’s hearing all this stuff, and he’s like, deer in headlights, his brain is starting to melt down because he’s like, I don’t know, like, it sounds like something I want to do, but I don’t even. Know where to start. What would be your advice to a man who listens to this and says, I want to become that guy? Where does he start?

Jim Benson 50:12
He gets coaching from you or me or someone who’s who knows this stuff and can meet him right where he’s at. Because I’m imagining that’s what you do. A guy presents something with where he’s at, and you go right to that point, and you’re like, yes, great, we’ll start here, and then we’re going to take a step forward with, Oh, what do you need? Oh, you actually have delayed ejaculation, or you have, you know, a sexual trauma that you need someone. You just need to tell somebody about and to expose this part of yourself, or you have a fetish, or whatever it is, or you feeling really flatlined and stuck in your relationship, and the sex is gone south. How do you come out? How do you get out of that? What? What are the ways to come out of that? So I imagine you have your own method of helping men again, right where they’re at, and I do the same, and I know other coaches are also very skilled at seeing what’s happening right now, in the moment, with you, and then take you the next step forward.

Kevin Anthony 51:12
I completely agree. And it’s not just because I’m a coach and this is what I do, but we talked about our journeys when we were younger. And by the way, you look great for being in your 60s, I just think like, Man, how much easier it would have been if I had a resource to go to, you know? I mean, maybe when I was young, I wouldn’t have been able to afford it. I don’t know. But, you know, it’s like if how much better life would have been, how much easier that journey would have been, how many relationships I wouldn’t have effed up.

Jim Benson 51:49
Preach, brother preach.

Kevin Anthony 51:51
You know, it’s just like and that’s why, sometimes, when I talk to men, and I hear the resistance they have, I’m just like I would have killed to have an opportunity to do what you now have the opportunity to do.

Jim Benson 52:10
Yeah, an ally, basically, someone who is more experienced, wiser in this area than you, and is can track your progress and even reflect back to you like, wow, you’ve come a long way in our sessions, and now you’re way closer to getting the things that you want in sex that you didn’t know about before.

Kevin Anthony 52:36
Yeah, and you know, I’ll say this too. I mean, we’re talking a lot about sex because sex is an integral part of any relationship. But I also want to make the point that this isn’t just about the quality of your sex life, but the quality of your sex life is directly going to affect the quality of your relationship, and so that’s just a huge part of it. So it’s like, yeah, let’s focus on becoming the best that we can be, being a legendary lover. We’re doing that, obviously, you know, for ourselves and to maximize our own pleasure, but also to give pleasure to our partner, but to create this relationship between us.

Of I mean, there’s so many things we didn’t talk about, like how this creates trust, you know, in a woman. We alluded to it here and there. You know how she needs to trust and open up to you and all that. But if she can do that in the bedroom, she’ll have a much easier time doing that outside the bedroom and vice versa. She can do that outside the bedroom, she’ll have an easier time doing it. But you see that it’s all integrated together. You can’t separate out one piece from another. So if you want to have amazing relationships in your life, then this is one area that you need to work on.

Jim Benson 53:45
Yeah, it’s like you said, it’s a holographic model, like the sex that you know, the way you do sex is the way you do your life. So let’s change the way you do your sex if you’re not satisfied with it. And you know, I start after some period of time of coaching a lot of men, all of a sudden, I’m coaching them in their business in a different way, because they’re like, Okay, we handled that. The sex part is just booming. Now, by the way, you know, can you help me with this consulting gig that you know I’m struggling with? You know, I just need some feedback about this, you know, business proposal. So I have business coaching experience as well, so it’s interesting to watch that transition. When guys feel now filled up or competent, or maybe even a superstar in the bedroom, then they have other things to work on.

Kevin Anthony 54:35
Yeah, this is a huge thing that I talk about all the time, and it comes up fairly regularly on the show how exactly, literally, exactly what you said, how you do sex, is how you do everything else in your life. And so one of the things I’m always telling men is, if you can fix your sexual problems right, which are probably leading to, you know, lack of confidence and anxiety and all that kind of stuff, you can fix that in the bedroom, you’ll start to see those same things that are showing up. Outside the bedroom get fixed also. And what’s really interesting is I’ve had clients on both sides, right?

So I’ve had clients where we help them with their sex life, and then they go, Wow, it’s really amazing. I noticed at work, my relationships with my coworkers are shifting, and like, all of a sudden I got this project or whatever, but I’ve even seen the reverse. I had a client who was very successful in business but was not successful in the bedroom, and his partner was deeply complaining about it, to the point where the relationship was on the verge of collapsing. And when I started teaching him some of the stuff that you and I are just talking about now, like these light bulbs went off in his head, and he was like, Oh, I do that every time I go into an important business meeting. And it never occurred to me to do that before I go into the bedroom, right? And it’s just all of a sudden they’re making connections and realizing that it’s all it’s all integrated, it’s all part of the same whole.

Jim Benson 55:59
A lot of times the thing that makes a man successful at work is a thing that works against him in the bedroom. So if he’s competitive, if he’s looking, you know, thinking strategically, trying to get an advantage, and he comes back to the bedroom and starts to do all of that.

Kevin Anthony 56:15
Yeah, sure that could be the negative side of it. In the Yeah. In the case I was thinking about was, you know, I was trying to teach him how to control his excitement level in the bedroom. So you mentioned meditation, right? So teaching him this, well, two things, a meditation and a breathing exercise. And he literally said to me, I do because I was teaching him an exercise. I call it four, four-sided breathing. It’s also called Box breathing, right? You know, I just use what one term, and it goes, Oh, you mean box breathing. He’s like, I do that every time right before I go into a big board meeting. I was like, it never occurred to me to actually use that in the bedroom, right? Great, yeah, all right, well, I’m sure we could continue talking on for a long time about this stuff we are at the end of the show, I want to give you an opportunity to tell the audience whatever you want to share about your programs and how you’re working with people and what you would like them to know.

Jim Benson 57:12
Sure, the easiest way to get to me is go to awakenedmasculine.com and that’s the website that has my programs on it. The main program I have is called multi orgasmic lover for men. And again, a lot of what Kevin’s doing, it’s we’re teach. I’m teaching guys to experience more pleasure in your body, so you can last longer and you can become this legendary lover that we’re talking about the what makes my program a little different is that I focus on helping you shift from a genital orgasm to a full body orgasm. In fact, the program used to be called Full Body orgasm for men, and then it was called Sex energy mastery for men, and now it’s a multi-orgasmic lover. So that’s the kind of thing that I work with.

And then if you want so if you want a downloadable piece, that’s my main program. Then I do work with guys, one-on-one coaching, and I also work with couples, but what seems to happen is that I’ll work with the guy, and then I’ll have a couple of sessions, and I’ll do more sessions with a guy, and then I’ll have a couple sessions. So it’s kind of like checking in with the couple. But my focus is mostly working with men, although I am a good translator between the masculine and the feminine worlds. I think that I think of that as a specialty of mine so that I can say things that both of them will understand, you know, one will understand more than they’ll hear from their partner.

Kevin Anthony 58:33
Excellent. Yeah, it sounds like you’re doing great work. I mean, just from the conversation that we’ve had, you know, you’re definitely saying the types of things that resonate with me and that I agree with, that all the stuff we’ve talked about, I don’t need to recap it, but you know the ideas of presence and the connection and sharing your heart, but also bringing in the healthy masculine and doing the personal work and like, to me, that is the real stuff right there. It’s not the push this button, do this trick, blah, blah, blah nonsense that you see all over the internet. All right, I got one last question for you. It’s a question I ask everybody that comes on the show. Should be a fairly easy one for you. That is, what is your best sexual talent?

Jim Benson 59:28
Whoa, let me see. I’ve got so many sorry about that.

Kevin Anthony 59:33
I gotta get the Jeopardy music playing.

Jim Benson 59:40
I think it’s I’ve really, I feel really grateful that I’ve gotten to a place of letting my intuition take over, and I have very little of the skill guy, skills guy left. I mean, obviously, he’s still in me, and I have skills, but you. Yeah, I just say, I’m I’m deeply intuitive, and I’ve allowed that to take priority in in my sexual experience, and it takes me, like I said, to places I’ve never gone before. And that’s, that’s the exciting part, yeah, is to go, boldly go where no man has gone before. The phrase is just coming to me, you know.

Kevin Anthony 1:00:25
I mean, that’s, and that’s ultimately, really what it’s about, right? I mean, not that so much boldly going where no man’s gone before, but what you described is like, and you use the term flow state earlier, right? Is when you can take the skills guy, integrate him in with all those other skills that we talked about, and then it’s like, you also mentioned music, right? Like, you know, I’m also a musician too. And it’s like, at a certain point, you’re thinking about what scale you’re playing, right? And then at a certain point, when you get past that in levels. You’re not thinking about it anymore. You’re just doing it. How many times have you heard somebody ask a professional musician, what scale was that? And they paused, and then they’ll say, Well, it was kind of this scale, but with a little bit of this mixed in. But they had to think about it because in the moment, they weren’t thinking about it.

And so that’s right, that’s what you’re describing. There is that flow state, where that integrated masculine can come in and just flow with the feminine and create levels of depth and amazing sex that even in my world, boggle my mind. Sometimes it’s like, you get to levels, you access something new or different that you didn’t have before, and you’re just like, I don’t even know what that was, but it was amazing. Yeah, and she’ll feel the same way too. Yeah. All right, Jim, I want to thank you for coming on the show and sharing your knowledge, your experience, your wisdom. Like I said, I really resonate with the message that you’re sharing, so I hope that the listeners did as well.

Jim Benson 1:01:59
Such a pleasure to be here. Really enjoyed the conversation. Thanks, Kevin.

Kevin Anthony 1:02:03
All right, everybody, that’s all the time I have for this episode, and I’ll see you next week.

I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, subscribe, leave us a review and share it with your friends, and for more free exclusive content, join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening, and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!