How To Avoid Relationship Conflicts

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom, and your relationships.

All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 279 and it is titled How to Avoid Relationship Conflicts. So in this episode, we’re going to be talking about relationship conflicts. What are they? What do we mean when we say conflict, because there is a little bit of a difference between conflict and argument, disagreement, and whatnot. We’re going to talk about how to avoid having relationship conflicts. And then we’re also going to talk about how to navigate relationship conflicts, and a few more things as well. But that’s the basic idea for this show. The reality is, is that if you’re in a relationship with anybody, but especially with your partner, whether it’s your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatever, conflicts are inevitable question is, how frequently do they happen? And how do you handle them when they happen?

Longtime listeners of this show might remember, you know, when Céline and I were doing this show together, we were talking about the fact that in all the years that we were together, we never had an actual argument. Now, that doesn’t mean that we didn’t have conflicts or disagreements, which we occasionally did not very often, but occasionally. But they never became arguments because we knew how to handle them before they became arguments. And so we’re going to cover that we’re going to talk about that today and so much more if you want to know how we managed to stay together for that many years and not have any arguments and really only have a handful, and almost a decade of actual conflicts, then you keep listening to this show, of course, I’m also going to mix in some research on the topic and some other models that may be helpful for you. So yeah, I think this should be required listening for pretty much anybody that wants to be in a relationship because the reality is, nobody teaches us these things. And when the only way we figure it out is through trial and error, we have conflicts and they don’t work. And then we figure out what could we have done better at least, hopefully, we’ve done that. And we learn, you know, trial by fire. So hopefully, this might give you some ideas on how to manage this better. And so you won’t have to learn the hard way.

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Okay, so let’s get into the show here. The idea for this show, like many of my shows, comes from real life. Not too long ago, a good friend of mine was telling me a story that happened to her while dating And the story was so outrageous, the first thought I had was, I need to do a show about how to avoid conflicts like this. So the conflict that I’m referring to has since been dubbed the infamous pancake incident of 2023. I’m going to explain to you what I mean by that. So I have a good friend who is out there in the dating world. And she had been dating this man for a very short period of time. I don’t know, a month or two, I don’t remember exactly. And they were really just getting to know each other. And on their very first sleepover at his place one morning, and this is, you know, I think the second day or third day in one morning, he offers to make pancakes for breakfast. So she says that’s fantastic.

Now, as she was getting to know him, she knew that he didn’t quite have the same level of knowledge about health and healthy eating and food that she did. But she was trying to be open-minded and you know, be able to guide him where appropriate. So while making these pancakes, he asks her what type of oil she would like him to use in the pancakes, which, by the way, is fantastic. If you’re going to volunteer to cook food for somebody, especially somebody new that you’re just getting to know, it’s a great idea to ask, How do you like it, he’ll have obviously already had an idea that she was really into healthy eating. And so he had asked what type of oil would you like me to put in the pancakes. To which she responded what type of oil she wanted, which was not what he would normally use. And because it was coconut oil, which generally is a solid unless it’s really hot out requires being melted before you put it into something like a pancake batter.

Out of nowhere, he just kind of explodes. And it becomes an entire conflict over what oil and then even got taken to the point of this is going to be an ongoing conflict between us if we continue to see each other. And the reason why I say it was so absurd or so crazy, is because well, first of all, it’s over pancakes, right? But mostly because it could have been avoided so easily. Now the result of this is, you know, he got super angry. And it turned into a huge argument, they had to separate each other for a while for it to cool down. And at the end of it, you know, he ended up asking her to leave. And that was basically the end of the relationship. So, you know, a month or two of dating completely ended because of pancakes. And I know it’s it does sound ludicrous. But think about this for a moment. Think about your life and the different relationship conflicts you’ve had, I’m sure you can come up with something that was probably as ridiculous as that that did turn into an argument.

And so as soon as I had heard that story, I thought man, so many couples have so many conflicts that turn into arguments that have real lasting negative repercussions on the relationship that could have been avoided really easily. And that’s really why I wanted to do this show. So I want to help you not have these kinds of conflicts. Or if you end up in one, figure out how to navigate it without it ending the way the infamous pancake incident of 2023 ended. Okay, so let’s dive in. I want to start first with what do we mean by relationship conflicts. And I know this sounds really simple. However, when I read you some of these things, I think it will make more sense that I say it sounds simple because y’all know y’all had conflicts in your relationship before like Yeah, I know what a relationship conflict is, but just bear with me here for a moment.

So simplistically, it is an interactive process occurring when conscious beings individuals, or groups have opposing or incompatible actions, beliefs, goals, ideas, motives, needs, objectives, obligations, resources, and or values. First conflict is as interactive and inherently communicative second two or more people or even groups of people who can think must be involved. And lastly, there is a whole range of different areas where people can have opposing or incompatible opinions. The reason why I wanted to read that, I mean, as you can, you can tell, it’s like, basically straight out of a textbook. But I wanted to read that to you because I like how it expressed opposing or incompatible actions, beliefs, goals, ideas, motives, needs, objectives, obligations, resources, and or values. So you see, it’s, it can be a lot of different things. And that’s the point I really wanted to get across, you know, isn’t just necessarily something you did wrong. There are a lot of other things that could potentially cause conflicts. And so I wanted, I wanted to just bring that up and mention that.

And then I also wanted to mention something. There’s a book called Managing Conflict Through Communication. It was written by Dudley Cohn and Ruth and Abigail. And they have basically four factors that have to be present for an interpersonal conflict. Number one is the conflict parties are interdependent. Right, so you’re in a relationship, obviously, you’re interdependent. They have the perception that they seek incompatible goals or outcomes, or they favor incompatible means to the same ends. The perceived incompatibility has the potential to adversely affect the relationship leaving emotional residues if not addressed. That’s very important and very big. And then lastly, there is a sense of urgency about the need to resolve the difference. And so I kind of wanted to cover those two things.

Like I said before, I know it sounds simple, we all know what a relationship conflict is, because we’ve all had them. But I think that breaks it down a little bit more and makes it maybe a little bit more clear about what we’re talking about here. You’re in a relationship that’s interdependent. You seem to have incompatible goals. The incompatibility has the potential to adversely affect the relationship, and you feel the need to resolve it. And so that’s what we’re really talking about here in relationships when we’re talking about conflicts and how we want to avoid them. Okay, well, so then, that leads us to, and I’m gonna break this down, by the way, I’m gonna break it down to how we can avoid relationship conflicts and how we can navigate them. And I know I said that at the beginning of the show, but I want to reiterate it because while similar, they’re a little bit different, also. So I’m going to start with how can we avoid relationship conflicts.

Number one is to choose your partners wisely. Now, obviously, if you’re already in a relationship, you kind of already passed over number one. But if you’re not in a relationship already, think about this a little bit. When I say choose your partner wisely, what do I mean by that? Well, I mean, choosing somebody with common interests. Okay, choosing somebody with similar values. So in this case of the great pancake incident, or the infamous pancake incident, we had a difference in values around health and nutrition. And that’s one of the things that caused the conflict. So if you choose a partner who already has similar values, then you are less likely to end up in conflicts over those values. And remember, in the beginning here, when I was talking about what do we mean by relationship conflicts, and we said opposing or incompatible actions, beliefs, goals, ideas, blah, blah, blah, values was one of them in there. So you really want to be choosing somebody with whom you have common interests, you have shared values, potentially similar religious beliefs, and similar political views like you get the idea, the better job you do at choosing a partner that is right for you that is compatible with you, then the less chance there is that you will have conflicts over the incompatibilities later on down the line.

So if you listened to the episode I did on relationship advice from a divorce lawyer, she talked a lot about Foundation, right? There was this idea of foundation and there was another one she’s got the four F’s and don’t remember what they all are off the top of my head, but one of them was foundation and there was another one as well, that really dealt with this idea of, you know, making sure that you’re in a relationship with somebody that you are truly compatible with. And you know, she she went as far as saying that the overwhelming majority of relationships that she had seen, should have never been started to begin with. And that was one of the clips on my Instagram channel and my YouTube channel.

And that was one of the key quotes that she had seen that a lot of people shouldn’t have been together. And when I probed her about that and asked for more info, what do you mean by that when you mean that should have never been together? It comes down to this, choosing your partner wisely, they didn’t have common interests, they didn’t have shared values, they didn’t have similar beliefs, that sort of thing. So if you want to set yourself up for success, choose wisely from the beginning. Number two, this one is big, do your own personal work before conflicts arise. So that means working on your wounding and your triggers. So let’s go back to the example of the infamous pancake incident. It was pretty obvious to me when listening to that story. And I admit I’m only hearing one side of it. But it was pretty obvious to me that there was something else deeper underneath that than just what oil you’re putting in the pancakes. And as I learned more after the fact, it turns out that this particular individual was in a marriage for a long time. And it seems from what we can tell that his former partner tended to boss him around a lot and tell him what to do frequently.

And so what happened is when she made her request, even though he solicited that request by asking her when she told him what she wanted, and it wasn’t what he would normally do, he got triggered. Now should he have gotten triggered? No, of course not. But he did get triggered because there was a trauma, there was a wounding there was something under there that triggered that old stuff from his previous relationship to come up, which then got put on to the new current relationship. And so you can avoid that happening, if you really do work, to, you know, resolve any of those old wounds that you have from past relationships, or, you know, mommy daddy issues that you have trauma that might be there, you know if you can work on those things, and take them off the table, then you’re less likely to get triggered and have conflicts in the future. So you know, we say this all the time on the show, but everything’s an inside job, it all starts from the inside.

So you know, it is worth it to take the time to deal with those things. And you know, so many people, when these things happen, they automatically blame the other person. Oh, it’s not me, it was them, they did whatever this that and the other thing, but you really do have to take a look in the mirror, you got to look at yourself and see where you either were responsible or maybe at least complicit in the conflict that’s happening. So definitely want to make sure that you do your own work before that will really help you avoid conflicts in the future. Number three, learn how to communicate. So many of the conflicts that I see out there are because people don’t know how to communicate effectively and compassionately.

So what might start out as something really small, what might start out as something that’s really not a big deal, as the two parties communicate, or should I say miscommunicate or communicate in a way that is not effective, and or communicate in a way that is not compassionate, therefore causing additional harm on top of the original conflict. When that stuff happens, it really spirals out of control. So it’s really important to learn really effective communication strategies. Now there are tons of them out there. You know, one of them that I have studied over the years and that Selena and I have recommended for a long time is nonviolent communication. It’s a book by Marshall Rosenberg, and it’s very well known. You will see today and some of the, you know, men who are out there doing like men’s coaching stuff, they’ll kind of say, oh, nonviolent communication isn’t the way for a man to communicate. It is a great foundation, it will teach you some really, really wonderful things now, do you have to follow it 100%? Do you have to do everything they say no, but just the basics of what it is teaching you are the basics of a really solid communication style.

But you don’t have to do that one. There are plenty of others out there. I learned from some of my friends and mentors over the years, lots of good little tips and tricks. I was in a relationship many, many years ago with a woman where no matter what I said, when it was taken in on the other end, the exact opposite of what I said was understood. So you know, I used to use the example all the time, if I said this shirt was white, she’d go, don’t you tell me that shirt is black, I can clearly see it’s white. It was literally to that extent. And so some friends who are also now in the industry, at the time, I was not actually doing coaching work had given me a few good ideas, okay, you know, one chunk down the information that you’re sharing, meaning don’t share lots of information, because some people can’t take in large amounts of information. So little bits at a time, give them time to digest. The other thing that they shared with me at that time. And you know, this goes back quite a few years. However, it was asking them to repeat back what I had said. And when I applied that strategy, that’s when I realized what was happening is the opposite of what I was saying was being heard. So I just thought, you know, she was disagreeing or was just being difficult. But then once I said, Okay, here’s what I have to say. Please repeat that back to me. And when it was repeated back, it was exactly the opposite of what I had said. I was like, Oh, wow. Okay.

So the thing is, she was reacting appropriately to what she thought I had said. But what I had said was completely different. So yeah, those are tools and strategies that you can learn, go learn whatever works for you, but take some time to learn how to communicate. That’s really the point I want you to get from this one is effective communication is everything, it really is, you cannot have a healthy, vibrant, thriving relationship. If both parties don’t know how to communicate effectively, it is really that important. So go out there and find whatever method of communication works for you. I would say because I know this is my experience, and I’m pretty sure it’s most people’s experience. Most of us did not grow up being taught how to communicate properly, with anybody, no less our intimate partner. If we’re not taught it, then we have to figure out a way to learn it on our own. So I strongly suggest you do that. We have a bunch of videos, I’m sure on this channel about communications, I know we’ve done other podcasts on communication. So definitely, definitely go check that out. That’s a great start, you can check out Marshall Rosenberg’s book, and then you know, get on the internet and find additional resources if you need them. But you have to learn how to communicate effectively.

All right. Number four, know what your needs are. This is really important. So remember, we’re still talking about how we can avoid relationship conflicts. So we’re trying to set ourselves up for success so that we don’t have relationship conflicts. And one of the ways that you can do that is really knowing what your needs are. So what do I mean by that? Well, a lot of times people aren’t necessarily clear on what their needs are until the need isn’t being met. But at that point, it’s a little bit too late because now there’s already resentment. So the more clear you can become, on what your needs are. And then of course, associated with that is how well you can communicate to your partner what those needs are, the less likely you’re going to end up in a situation where your needs are not being met. And there’s a conflict over it. So, remember going back to what do we mean by relationship conflicts when we say opposing or in combat have actions, beliefs, goals, ideas, motives needs, objectives, obligations, resources, and or values. So we’re talking about some of those things as we go along here. So it’s really important to know what your needs are. And then of course, clearly communicate those to your partner.

Now, part of knowing what your needs are also, is, knowing whether or not those are really legitimate needs. In other words, there are a lot of times that we say we need something, but we don’t really need it, we just kind of want it. Or if we really, really think about it, we’re like, that’s not really something I need. But that’s something that I learned, you know, from my primary role models that I think I need, but maybe I don’t really need. So it’ll help you get clear on what your needs actually are. And then of course, you need to communicate with them. And then the last one here is setting good boundaries. This is really important. So a lot of times in relationships, people do not set good boundaries. And then when a boundary is broken, they get angry about it. The problem is, is that sometimes the partner who broke the boundary didn’t even know they were breaking the boundary because the boundaries weren’t made clear. Another thing that can happen is sometimes people set boundaries. And there’s a difference between, like a really like deal breaker boundary and a smaller boundary.

And so sometimes even when people set boundaries, but they do so in sort of a wishy-washy kind of way, the other person thinks as it’s no big deal, it’s not really a big boundary, it’s kind of a small thing. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t be, but it’s not a big deal. But then when the boundary gets broken, it turns out to be a big deal. So the idea here is that you want to set good boundaries from the start. And then of course, coming back to that communication, you want to clearly communicate what those boundaries are. And of course, if you see somebody is going to break a boundary, if you can remind them of that boundary before they break it, that would be amazing. Because then they would have an opportunity right there to make a conscious choice about whether or not they were going to break the boundary. So there you go. Those are basically five ways that you can avoid relationship conflicts. And so I would love to see people really work on those so that they never get to the point where they’re already in the conflict, or at least rarely get to the point where they’re in a conflict. But conflicts as I said at the beginning of the show are inevitable, they do happen from time to time. So the next thing that we’re going to talk about is how can we navigate relationship conflicts.

But before we do that, I need to take a short break for my second sponsor. Hey, guys, do you know what makes a man great you know, the kind of masculine man that women are irresistibly attracted to in one isn’t money job title, his physical body being great in bed, a big penis, great pickup lines. But what if you don’t have those or only some of them? What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships are embarrassed by your bedroom skills, doubt whether you can rise to the occasion worry about lasting long enough, or are always stuck in the friend zone I can help you if you’re ready to make big changes and finally become the man you have always wanted to be then this is the program for you. To find out more, please go to KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior. The link is in the description below. You know, that is my Men’s coaching program. And while I do primarily focus on sex, love, and relationships, becoming a sexual master showing up in the best way that you can in your relationships and cultivating the love of your life that you have always wanted. Those things are not separate from the rest of your life and what it means to truly be a man so of course we inevitably end up working on some of the more manly areas of being a man and that’s all part of it because it’s all together. So you know if you’re not stepping up like you wish you would if your sex life if your love and relationship are not where you want them to be then go check it out at KevinandCéline.com/go/warrior.

Next, how can we navigate relationship conflicts so we have mentioned that they are inevitable? They will happen from time to time hopefully though you have done all those things to avoid it. And so they will happen very infrequently. But when they do happen, how do we navigate that? All right, I have nine ways, Here are nine things that you can do in a conflict to help you navigate it. Number one, is to take a deep breath, I know sounds a little silly, or a little woo-woo, or at least here in Southern California, where every event that you go to starts off with, let’s take a deep breath. That’s not exactly what I’m talking about here. But at the same time, it sort of is right. So take a deep breath, because conflicts often have a tendency to trigger us. And when we say trigger, we economy and an explosion, right? The expression comes from pulling the trigger, it means that something sort of jumps out of control really fast. And so one of the ways to avoid that and make sure that it doesn’t happen is to slow down a little bit and take a deep breath. So be for you have a reaction. And this leads me to number two, you take a deep breath. And number two is learning how to control your emotional reactions. This is probably the hardest thing for most people to do.

Most people can, you know, learn communication techniques, and they can take some deep breaths, and they can maybe handle some of the other things. But learning to control their emotional reaction is difficult for a lot of people. Because it’s visceral, you feel it, when something happens that triggers it, there’s this release of, you know, chemicals in the body that create this strong emotion that you then end up lashing out or having some sort of emotional reaction. The problem with that, though, is that often makes the conflict worse. So what you really want to do is learn how to control that emotional reaction, if you can prevent yourself from lashing out until you have a chance to let that sort of emotion. Settle down and evaluate. Is this justified? Is this valid? Or is this just a trigger? Right. So that’s, that’s really what you want to do, you want to slow down, you want to take a deep breath, and you want to control your emotional reaction. If you’re having that urge to have an emotional outburst, do whatever you can not to do it, because those emotional outbursts will usually cause more damage and make the conflict worse. It definitely will not make it any easier to navigate. So you definitely want to learn how to control that.

Alright, so number one was to take a deep breath number two was to control your emotional reaction. Number three is to remember that this is a person you love. Now we’re talking because this is the love lab podcast about sex, love, and relationships. So we’re assuming that this conflict is probably with your partner. But keep in mind, this same number three can work for other relationships, whether it’s a family member, hey, this is still somebody you love. Maybe it’s a close friend, you know, this is still somebody that is a friend and is important to you. So take a moment to slow down and remember that this is somebody that you love and not somebody that you want to hurt. This leads me to number four, which is Don’t say or do things that will damage the relationship, and or trust. So if this is somebody you love, why would you want to do something that is going to damage the relationship? Obviously, there’s already some sort of an issue with the relationship, which is what has led to this conflict. Why would you want to make that worse, or potentially create additional damage that wasn’t there before the conflict? So you know, again, this is somebody that you love. Why would you want to do or say things that could potentially hurt them and damage the relationship?

Now, I have seen and I’m sure many of you have experienced this, where people will say and do things specifically to hurt the other person because they themselves have been hurt. If you’ve done this, we will forgive you because we’ve all done it at some point in our lives. But I do have to say this is extremely immature behavior. It is extremely emotionally immature. And if that is the way you typically respond to conflict you have a lot of work to do is apps literally true. Even if somebody hurts you, you do not say or do things just to hurt them back. In the end, it’s going to end up hurting you also, not just them. Because when you do things to hurt them, that’s also going to hurt the relationship. And since you’re in a relationship that’s ultimately going to hurt you. But number four, don’t say or do things that will damage your relationship or trust. This leads me to number five, which is to communicate calmly and clearly. It’s really important to communicate calmly. And clearly. One of the things that is occasionally reflected back to me, personally, is that when I am very passionate about something, I tend to get really excited and like, forceful when I talk about it.

Not so much in dealing with like what’s happening in our relationship, but maybe we’re talking about a political subject, or something that maybe we don’t completely agree on, I can get pretty heated about it. And that has been reflected back to me by partners. And so what I work on is being able to communicate that calmly, there’s nothing wrong with being passionate, by the way, especially if it’s something you really believe in. The problem is, though, and as it has been reflected back to me in the past is that if I get too over the top with it, the person can’t hear me anymore. Right. And so that’s something to keep in mind. When we’re talking about conflicts, you know, in these conflicts, which can very easily escalate into arguments, people’s voices can get raised, and the tone that they’re using can change. And those things generally don’t help. And it’s interesting because we have this perception that if we just talk a little bit louder, we’ll get our point across, and they’ll hear us right. But it doesn’t work like that, the louder more intense that we get, the less effective the communication is. So that’s why we want to communicate calmly and clearly.

Number six is the flip side of communicating calmly and clearly. And that is to make sure that you are listening to understand and not just respond. This is another really important one. So many people look like they’re listening, they’re staring at you real intently. But all they’re doing is waiting for you to finish or even just slow down so that they can immediately fire their response back. And that is something that you do not want to do. If you really intend to resolve the conflict, you have to listen to the other person so that you can understand where they’re at where they are coming from what it is that they want and need. So make sure that you’re listening to understand and not just to respond. And believe me, this can be challenging to do when we feel we’re right. And we have the information, we are just waiting to be able to get that in there. You may be right, you may have the information, and you may indeed be waiting to get it in there. But while you are waiting, put that on the side for a minute, open up your errors, and listen and attempt to understand where this person is at and what it is they need. It might be that they need something really simple and easy. And if you weren’t able to hear it, you may have missed it altogether.

All right, number seven, take time out if you need to. So if you cannot control your emotional reaction if your deep breaths are not working if you cannot help yourself, and if you can’t stop yourself from saying or doing things that will damage the relationship if you are not capable of calmly and clearly communicating your point and or listening to understand, then you might need to take a little timeout it’s okay to say you know what, let’s just put this on hold for a minute until we both cooled down so that we can come back in much calmer heads and talk about this in an emotionally mature way. It’s okay to do that. I personally prefer if it’s possible to be able to deal with the conflict right then and there. But if you really can’t and if you’re going to cause more damage by attempting to resolve it now rather than waiting until tempers cool down a little bit, then take the time out that you need. Number eight. If for some reason you simply can’t resolve this conflict on your own, get some help get some help. If it’s a rather small minor conflict, maybe you just need a close, trusted friend or family member to mediate on your behalf, that is perfectly fine.

If it’s something bigger, more foundational to the relationship, go out and seek the appropriate help that you need. It could be, you know, a psychologist could be a coach, you know, it could be maybe potentially religious, you know, figure or something like that, but get the help that you need. And there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s better to get the help that you need than to continue to damage the relationship over and over and over again. And, you know, I will often say, when I’m doing these shows, and I’m talking about how to do something, there will always be a component in there of getting the help that you need, if you’re not able to do it on your own. And inevitably, in the comments, I get somebody telling me, this is all just an advertisement for the work that you do. No, no, it’s not, it’s because I genuinely want you to get the help that you need, for instance, in this case, I don’t work with relationships that are imploding and need a mediator or, you know, psychological counseling. That’s not what I do. I generally work with people who are at least at a base level and want to fix, you know, the sex life that used to be great but isn’t or, you know, maybe they’ve got some sexual issues. And they’re starting a new relationship, and they want to fix it before it becomes a problem. Or it’s already a problem, and they want to fix it, or they used to have a thriving relationship.

But it’s Wait, like, that’s kind of my specialty and where I work. So I’m not even telling you if you’re having problems with relationship conflicts to go hire me. So for all the the naysayers out there, who would just say I want to do these topics just to you know, push people into my programs. That’s not the case, I want to genuinely inform you. And if you need help, and it is something that I do, then I’m happy to be a resource available to you. I actually used to do this type of conflict resolution early on in my coaching, and there’s nothing wrong with it. In fact, I found it sometimes really, really satisfying, when you are actually able to help a couple, resolve something that they’ve been unable to resolve on their own. I think it’s really amazing. It’s just not where I have chosen to pursue my line of work these days. Now, you know, if I’m working with a couple, and they do have conflicts, I will certainly help them with the tools and skills that I have to resolve that conflict. But I don’t put myself out there as the person to call when your relationship is in huge conflict. There are I think, better, better prepared people out there to help you with that.

All right. And lastly, resolve the conflict as soon as possible. But it doesn’t have to be before you go to bed. So you have heard, never go to bed angry, you have to at all costs resolve a conflict before you go to bed. In general, that is a great idea. I would say that if you are able to resolve it before the end of the day, that is wonderful and fantastic. But sometimes some things are going to take a little bit more than that. And they’re not going to be resolved before you go to bed. And that’s okay. That’s okay. But what you don’t want to do is you don’t want to let these things fester and continue to grow and metastasize and get worse. So it’s always in your best interest to try to resolve a conflict as soon as you can. If you can do it before you go to bed, great. And if you can’t, just don’t let it hang around there and continue to get worse. So resolve it as soon as you can. So those are my nine things that you can do to help navigate a relationship conflict if you find yourself in one, I wanted to add something that I came across, and I’ve heard this before, but I had forgotten about it. But I thought it was kind of cool.

So I wanted to bring it up here, which is if you are in a conflict there’s something known as conflict management style, and there are three types. It’s important to understand what type you are and what type your partner is because that can help you understand how to work within the context of the two of you and the conflict, so they are number one avoiders number two battlers, and number three collaborators and their descriptive. I don’t even need to read you the actual definition of an avoider is somebody that’s going to try to avoid the conflict whatsoever, whether it’s like pretending there isn’t that conflict or making excuses for the conflict, whatever they’re trying to avoid it. Number two is the battlers. They’re the people that want to get in there and duke it out. And they’re not letting it go until this battle is won by somebody, preferably them. And number three are the collaborators who actually want to try to work together, at least on some level, to come to a mutual resolution. So I’m just throwing that out there. It’s just another sort of tool. Most people will know what their default way of operating in the world honestly, you know, for instance, these avoiders battlers collaborators is very similar to the fight, flight or fright type of thing that we’re you’ve heard of many times, sort of our basic instinct, what happens in a situation, some people freeze, right? Some people run away, and some people stand and fight. Now, I’m not saying this is exactly a map to that, but you realize it’s similar enough to that. And so knowing what your style is, and what your tendency to want to do is, is really important. And the same with your partner. So, for instance, if you know that you or your partner tends to be an avoider, then you can try to create an atmosphere that makes it easier for them to show up and actually work on the conflict rather than trying to avoid it altogether.

You know, if it’s if you or your partner is a battler and you’re aware of that, especially like, let’s say, you’re aware of the fact that you’re a Bandler. Bringing that into your awareness, you can kind of step back and go, okay, okay, you know, don’t launch so many attacks Don’t you know, so understanding your style and their style can be really, really helpful in negotiating and managing conflicts. I didn’t really put it as one of the nine things because it’s a little bit different. But I just wanted to throw that out there, that understanding what your conflict management style is, can be very helpful. And lastly, the very last thing that I wanted to mention was the fact that relationship conflicts don’t always have to be negative, they could potentially have some positive effects as well. In fact, I had decided to do this show. And I hadn’t mentioned it to the individual who told me the story about the infamous pancake incident of 2023. And just last night, I actually happened to see that person, and she asked me, What are you doing a show on tomorrow? To which I said, Oh, well, that’s funny, you should ask.

So I told her what I was going to do for the show, and we talked about the topic a little bit, one of the things that she mentioned was, well, you know, I don’t think that all relationship conflicts are necessarily negative. And she was absolutely right. And I wanted to read a couple of quotes here that I have. One is engaging in conflict isn’t going to end the relationship, it’s avoiding the conflict that might. That’s a quote from Michael Batshaw. He’s a psychologist in New York who specializes in couples. And the point he’s trying to make there is that you’re better off having the conflict and resolving it, than avoiding it. Apparently, in his experience, he has seen avoiding it caused more problems. So you will see this a lot that people will do anything they can to avoid conflicts. And sometimes that just perpetuates the problem. One more for you. So this one comes from Terry Orbach. And no problem is too small to acknowledge in a relationship. So it says sweat the small stuff. And so her almost 24-year research study with the same couples found that if you don’t address the small issues in your relationship, they just evolve into bigger problems that then are really hard to unpack. And so this idea that okay, nobody really wants to have a conflict. But sometimes, if we can have the conflict and we can effectively resolve the conflict, we will be in a better position than had we avoided the conflict altogether.

One last thing I will say about conflicts as a potential benefit is that if you are able to resolve them, then you can potentially make your relationship stronger, the two of you can grow together, and your relationship can become stronger. And that is definitely a benefit. Now, I’m not saying that you should embrace having conflicts regularly so that you can get it all out of the way and make your relationship stronger. That may or may not actually happen. But just know that it’s not the end of the world. If you do have some conflicts, just do the best you can to resolve them. And then, you know, give it your best effort to create a positive outcome as a result of the conflict. All right, I hope that was helpful. This is something that I see very, very, very, very often is couples, letting small things get in the way turn into bigger conflicts, not knowing how to navigate them, navigate them, and then doing more damage in the long run, than it was necessary. And so I hope that this will help you avoid that. I hope that it was helpful. As always, like all the shows I do I try to give you real actionable stuff that you can use to make your sex love, and relationship better. And I hope that this episode has helped you in that way. All right. That’s all the time I have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

I hope you like this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends. And for more free exclusive content. Join me in the passion bowl and Kevin and Céline dot com forward slash vote. That’s Kevin and Céline dot com forward slash fault. Thanks for listening. And remember, as Céline used to say you’re amazing!