Alternative Strategies To Find Sex, Love, And Relationship

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom, and your relationships.

All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 272. It’s titled alternative strategies to find sex, love, and relationship. So I recently did an episode where we talked about alternative strategies for handling fear and anxiety and things like that. And that was very different than this episode. So if you’re thinking this is going to be similar to that is absolutely not going to be similar to that. So what is it going to be today then? Well, the idea for this episode came from several different conversations I’ve had recently, where people keep telling me that they want a certain outcome. But then, as I listened to them talk, I kept hearing them tell me that they were trying the same strategies over and over again. And yet, they say they want a different outcome than what they keep getting. You’ve probably heard before, they say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’m not going to say that these people are insane by any means or that if this sounds like you you’re insane, I’m not implying that at all.

But what I am implying is that a lot of times, we don’t know what else to do, when it comes to looking for sex, love, and relationship. We just don’t know what we don’t know. And we keep trying what we do know, we keep trying what we’ve done in the past, we keep trying what we learned from our parents or other primary role models. And yet, it doesn’t work. And we don’t know what else to do. So what I’m going to attempt to do in this show today, is break it down sex, love, and relationships. And I’m going to give you some of the most common complaints, I hear some of the most common strategies I hear for how people deal with these things. And then I’m going to give you some alternative strategies, some things that you could do instead of what you’re already doing, that may work better for you. So that’s what we’re going to do in this episode. And it’s a lot to cover in one episode. There’s obviously only so deep that I can go but you’ll get the idea. And the goal is to sort of shift your thinking to get you outside of the box that you’ve already been in, and maybe thinking about, hmm, okay, maybe there’s a different way I could go about this process. So that is what we’re going to do on this show today.

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Now, having just done an ad for powerandmastery.com. And there is something that I want to state right up front before I get into the real content here. And that is you know, when I talk about topics or things on this show, it obviously comes up pretty regularly, that if you need help with this, you should work with me or it’s somebody else whoever resonates with you. I’ve had tons of amazing coaches and psychologists and psychiatrists and everything else on this show that are also amazing people that you could work with but inevitably, when those things come up, and I mentioned them, I’ll get somebody commenting on YouTube, about how this was just one big promo ad for your work. If these shows, were just a promo ad for my work, I wouldn’t really give you much content, I would give you little teaser bytes. And then I would make you come to me and pay me for more. I mean, that’s what most people do, to be honest.

But from the day that we started this show, Celine and I, our goal was always to use it as a teaching, to give you content, to give you valuable tools that you could use to help your sex, love, and relationship. And so we strive and I still continue to strive to make every episode, an episode where you learn something, and you get some value out of it. Now, that’s the goal. Having said that, sometimes the answer really is you’re gonna get help. So I’m going to do my best in this episode, not to say it too many times, but where I feel it’s essential, I will mention that you should probably get somebody to help you with this part. Okay, having said that, let’s get into the content.

So I’m going to start with sex. As you know, the subtitle for this show is sex, love, and relationship. So we’re going to take them in exactly that order, sex, love, and relationship. So starting with sex, here are some of the most common complaints that I hear. Number one, I’m not getting sex. So this person may be in a relationship, or they may not be in a relationship, but in either case, they’re just simply not getting sex. And let’s face it, sex is an important part of life. For the overwhelming majority of us, I was gonna say, for everybody, but inevitably, somebody will comment and say, I have no desire for sex. And that’s perfectly fine with me. And my life is amazing. And I don’t need, okay, there are outliers to everything. But for most of us, sex is something that is an essential part of a happy, successful life. So if you’re not getting any sex, that’s a problem. And that is a complaint that I hear pretty regularly.

The next complaint is, I’m not getting enough sex. So this might be somebody who’s dating and has sex occasionally, when you know, dates line up, or, you know, the date allows them to have sex. Or it might be somebody who’s been in a relationship for a long time. And maybe they used to have a lot of sex, but they don’t anymore. That’s, that’s the one that I see most often these days is people who have been in long-term committed relationships, and they’re just simply not having enough sex anymore. But the next one that I hear a lot, is, I’m not getting the kind of sex that I want. Now, we do hear this from both men and women. But I will say on this one, I hear it more from women. The women are the ones saying, you know, yeah, he wants to have sex but but but, but usually is then followed by a million different other things from I don’t have orgasms, or I don’t have the kind of organs or doesn’t last as long enough or there isn’t enough intimacy, there isn’t enough for plant whatever it is, there are a ton of things that come after that, but and people are just not happy with the kind of sex that they’re getting.

And then the last complaint is, my partner doesn’t want to explore. So in this particular case, and this is a common one, I hear a lot you have one partner in a relationship, who is like, hey, I want to see what else is out there in the realm of sex. Where can we take the sex that we have? Can we take it to, you know, more exciting places? And I don’t mean like physical places, but like, can we make it longer? Can we make the orgasms longer? Can we make them more powerful? Can we have more of them? Can we prolong the sensations and the intimacy longer than the average? Are there you know, things that we could do maybe physical places we could go maybe events that we could attend There’s, there’s so much out there to explore in the realm of sexuality. And I’m going to be doing an episode coming up soon about that exploring more, I don’t want to give away too much about it, because it is something that is still in the process of being created. But I think that’s going to be a really great episode. And I’m going to give you a lot of ideas of why you should and how you could potentially explore a more fulfilling sex life. So that’s an episode to come. I don’t want to get too deep into that in this one, but we are going to talk a little bit about it.

So I don’t want to say that these are the only complaints, there are a lot more complaints, I just basically took the four most common complaints that I hear from people in the realm of sex. So now let’s talk about how do most people, how do most people deal with those complaints. What strategies do they have, that they employ on a regular basis to try to solve those problems? Alright, so remember, number one was not getting sex. So number one strategy, complain to their partner, assuming they have a partner, they’re going to complain. You never want to have sex. How can we never have sex? We never have sex. Right? So that is a strategy here. And in people’s minds, they think, well, at least I’m voicing it. I’m telling them what I want, right? And maybe if I keep telling them, they’ll finally hear it. That rarely works as a strategy. And we will talk about what else to do rather than constantly telling your partner we’re not having sex, I want sex, I want sex. Another common strategy is just to repeatedly ask for it. Hey, can we have sex tonight? Hey, can we have sex tonight? Hey, can we have sex tomorrow? Hey, can we have sex tonight? Constantly asking, asking, which of course, you know, for many people, if they were a no today, and they’ve been in the know, every day for the last year, they’re probably going to be a no tomorrow.

So that means that that strategy is not a particularly effective one. And then another common strategy that people use when they’re not getting sex, assuming that they’re in a relationship is to cheat. So you know, complaining about your partner repeatedly asking and cheating are not good strategies to get what you actually want. And we will talk when we get to the next section on what are the alternative strategies and what you could do. Other than that, right now, I just want to go through all the common strategies for the problem. So the second problem was I was not getting enough sex. So again, strategies, common strategies. What do most people do? Well, they complain, that we don’t have sex enough. The sex isn’t long enough. It’s not frequent enough. Why don’t you want to have sex more often? Right? So they complain to their partner? Again, they will repeatedly ask, can we have sex? Can we have sex? Can we have sex? And often the last resort, again, is cheating. So much like you’re not getting any sex, the not getting enough sex, tends to have the same strategies that people will repeat over and over and over again. Okay, what about the third most common complaint, I’m not getting the kind of sex that I want. often starts with complaining to the partner again, you never do this, and you never do that. And I want to do this, but you won’t do that. Right. So you get a lot of complaining. You also get compromised.

So a lot of times one partner will just kind of give up and be like, hey, you know, this is just how it’s going to be, and they sort of give up on it. But even worse than that, and this was a strategy you will see women do quite often, they’ll simply stop having sex. And when we get to the strategies, I think it’ll make more sense as to why that is a strategy. Because it doesn’t, at first it doesn’t really seem to make sense, right? You’re not getting the kind of sex that you want. So you just stop having sex altogether. Well, obviously, that’s not going to help you get what you want. So, you know, if I asked most people, does that sound like a good strategy for getting what you want? Most people are going to say, Well, duh, of course not. Right? But it’ll make more sense as to why that happens as we go a little bit further. All right, and then the last problem. The last complaint was my partner does not want to explore. So what are common strategies people use in this situation? Well, again, the complaining, you never want to do this, and you never want to do that. And I tried to introduce this, and you were no, and I tried to do that, and you were no. And then, of course, settling for the same old, same old. So, you know, that’s kind of similar to not getting the sex that you want, which is the compromise part.

But what I will often hear from clients is some version of that, well, we were married for 20 years. And, you know, we continued to have sex, but you know, it kind of got routine, we did the same thing, it was always on the same day in the same position for the same amount of time. And they never wanted to try something new. And it was never really that satisfying for me, but it was better than nothing. So we kept doing it. Right. So I can’t even tell you how many times I have heard that exact scenario. So when it comes to sex, those are sort of the top four complaints that I hear, and the most common strategies that I hear people using to try to solve those complaints. So that brings us then two, what could you be doing that may be more effective than what you’re currently doing? All right. Well, again, number one complaint, I’m not getting enough sex, strategies for that complaint repeatedly asking for more in cheating, okay? Those strategies never work. I mean, I guess technically, cheating works in the sense that you get more sex, but you’re not getting more sex with your partner, which is who you really wanted more sex with originally. So those strategies don’t work. So what could you do?

Well, what you really have to do is, find out what the underlying cause is, or what we like to say is what is in the way, because if you have a partner, right, so let’s start with, if you have a partner, if you have a partner, and you’re not getting sex, there has to be a reason why that reason is not always apparent. And if you ask the person, they will always necessarily even know the reason they’ll just give you some wishy-washy, it’s like, I don’t know, I’m not I just have never really been in the mood. I don’t know, I just I’m not really into sex. But that’s probably not true. Most likely, there is something beneath that. And so you have to find out what it is. So you really have to figure out what the underlying cause is what is in the way, what is preventing this person from wanting to have sex. And that really is harder to do than you think because the person may or may not be conscious of it. But it’s something that needs to happen. So figure out what’s in the way, because if you can figure out what’s in the way, it might be somewhat easy to remove that obstacle, and then all of a sudden, the sex begins again.

If you find out what’s in the way, and it turns out that it’s something that you really can’t fix or change, then you really need to have an open and honest discussion about how the other person can get their needs met. Now, in long-term, committed relationships, a lot of times something happens, let’s say it’s a physical thing, or it’s a health challenge, or whatever it is that’s happening. If one person cannot provide sex anymore in that relationship, you will often see them say, Oh, well, that’s just the way it is. We’re in a relationship I can’t do for your shoe, just not gonna have sex anymore. And honestly, that’s not really a fair thing to say to somebody. So two mature adults who have a high level of emotional maturity should be able to figure out a way for the other partner to get their needs met, while still keeping a loving relationship if that’s what you so choose, you may decide that okay, it’s not worth being in this relationship anymore.

But if this is somebody that you love, in a relationship you want to continue to be in, then it’s worth having that discussion to figure out how you can potentially get your needs met, you need to be open to that that is an alternative. strategy. If you don’t have a partner, well, then you’re gonna have to reevaluate your approach to dating and relationships. Because whatever it is that you’re doing isn’t working. And you know, when it comes to love and relationships, we’re going to talk a whole lot more about this. So I won’t spend too much time on it here. But yeah, if you don’t have a partner, and you’re not able to get sex, you need to look at yourself. How are you showing up? When you go out on dates? Right? Do you show up? Being clean and well groomed, smelling? Good? Are you behaving appropriately? Are you interesting to the people that you’re dating? Are you maybe pushing too hard and you’re coming across as needy, like, Oh, I’m just here for the sex, right? Women will feel that a mile away and run in the other direction. You want to reevaluate, you know, how are you meeting people? Are you meeting people? Are you even getting out there? A lot of times people are sitting at home on their couches, really taking no action. And then they’re wondering why they’re not getting any action. Hello, you ain’t gonna get any action unless you take some action. Truth bomb right there.

All right. So those are some alternative strategies you might want to use if you are not getting any sexual. What if you’re not getting enough sex? Again, the complaint is not getting enough sex. The common strategies are to complain, repeatedly ask, and cheat. What are some alternative strategies? Again, find out what is in the way, you know, when it comes to not getting enough sex, these things are generally a little bit simpler or easier to figure out what’s in the way not always. But if they’re if they’re already having sex with you, but just not as frequently as you’d like, then what’s in the way is probably there’s not enough time. They’re too tired from taking care of the kids and their work responsibilities and everything that’s going on. It could be they’re not getting the kind of sex that they want. And so sex isn’t that interesting to them. Right? So, again, it’s finding out what’s in the way, but in this case, what’s in the way might be easier to uncover, it might be easier to solve. So you want to figure out if your libido is a match, that’s another great thing to do. Because to you enough, sex might be five times a week. And to them, enough sex might be twice a week.

So you’re over there going, I’m not getting enough sex, and the other person is like, I’m getting plenty of sex, like, I’m totally satisfied, I’ve got everything I need. So that’s another thing that you want to look at is do your libidos match. And if not, why are you getting a little bit older? Maybe there are hormone changes that are happening, right? Maybe you’ve let yourself go a little bit over the years, and your partner is not all that attracted to you. Right? So you know, figure out if your libido is a match, and if not, what might be causing that mismatch? Now, it’s rare, that libidos are perfectly matched, but they should be at least close. And then, you know, look for what other ways can you potentially get your needs met. Again, if there’s just no way to solve this and get your libido is matched and and make sure that, that you’re both having the frequency and quality of sex, that you both want? Think outside the box again, is there a way that you could potentially get your needs met? Some other way? So something to think about and know when it comes to creating, you know, or what I wrote here?

And I don’t know if I actually said it was, how can you create more opportunities for sex, right? So when you’re looking at finding out what’s in the way, in this case, it might be something a little bit more simple. You know, it could be she’s just too tired after taking care of the kids and the house and, you know, maybe a job as well on top of that. So it could be as simple as how can I offload a little bit of your responsibilities so that you get a little bit more downtime, so that you can resource a bit more, and when you’re more resourced, then you can show up for sex. So, think in terms like that, figure out what’s in the way figure out how you can remove those blocks, figure out how you can get your libidos to roughly the same level. And if none of that stuff works, how else could you potentially get your needs met? All right, next one. Then the common complaint is I’m not getting the kind of sex I want, the strategies are to complain to your partner compromise, or stop having sex, which we talked about before. So you’re not getting the kind of sex that you want.

Number one, speak up, just speak up, tell them what it is you need. Don’t do it in a way where you’re blaming or complaining or telling them that they’re bad at what they do. Just tell them, here’s what I need, what everybody needs is different. And what you’re doing might be amazing and perfect for another partner, but it’s not what I need. So would you be willing to make this small change in order to give me the kind of sex that I need? So first of all, speak up, and ask for what you want. do so in a compassionate way that helps the other person understand why it is you need what you need. And that is something that a lot of people don’t do. They just say, Oh, well, I need this, or I need that, or you’re not doing this or you’re not doing that. It goes a long way. If you say to somebody, here’s what I need. And here’s why I need it. Because this is what it does. For me, this is how it makes me feel. This is you know how it makes me want to respond to you, when you do that, right? Help them understand why this is important to you. And be willing to get some coaching in this area. A lot of times when somebody’s not getting the kind of sex they want us because their partner doesn’t know how to do it, they don’t know how to give them the sex they want.

For instance, if you’re a woman, and you want to reach cervical orgasms, and you know, it’s going to take you 30 or 40 minutes of really deep penetration, touching the cervix the right way in order to get there. But your partner can’t last more than five to seven minutes, like the average. Something like that, you’re just never going to get there through penetration unless your partner can learn how to last long enough. And that’s just one small example. There are lots and lots of ways in which you could learn how to be better at sex, which then would help the other person get the kind of sex they want. And believe me, if they’re getting the kind of sex they want, they are going to return the favor to you. Probably more than you return it to them, to begin with. So don’t worry about that. All right. And last one, the common complaint is my partner does not want to explore and the common strategy is to complain again, it’s unsettling for the same old, same old well, we just get in the routine of doing the same thing all the time. So what else could you do? What’s another strategy you could potentially do?

Well you want to have good conversations, and you want to explain to your partner why the exploration is important to you. So you know, there are times, a lot of times in relationships, where we do things that we wouldn’t necessarily have done ourselves, but we do them because we know that it’s important to our partners. And that’s not unusual. So you might be content to do sort of the sex once a week on a Saturday morning for 15 minutes and have your orgasm from the missionary position and move on with your day and you’re good. But your partner is not happy with that. So there might be times when you’re saying that’s having sex on Friday night. And maybe let’s do it for a little bit longer. And maybe let’s try a different position. It’s not necessarily what I need. But it’s what my partner needs. So I’m willing to try that, right? So exploring because I hear this a lot, I hear a lot a lot of times when I work, with clients who will tell me their partner just doesn’t want to do anything different. And then I say to them, have you explained to them why this is important to you? Right?

Because sometimes people don’t know, what’s the difference? It’s just another position. Who cares, right? Or what’s the difference if we do it on this night or that night? But if you explain to them and you say, Hey, we usually do it at this time, but I’m usually exhausted at that time. If we were to try a different day or time, I could show up with more energy, I could give more to the process. Or you could say, hey, if we try some different positions, I might be able to find one where I can last longer, or where I can go deeper into my orgasm, or hey, I really want to experience I’ve heard that there are different types of orgasms, but I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced them. And if we could try something different, maybe I could experience something else. And hey, if we did that, and I did experience something else, I might want more of that and be willing to have more sex more often. Right?

So explaining why the exploration is important, is really key. And then, you know, sometimes when people want to explore, they’re like, Well, I want to, you know, go to a BDSM sex club, and it’s like, whoa, okay, you went from really regular normal sex too, I want to explore and you’re going to jump straight to let’s go to a BDSM sex club, that might be a bit of a stretch. Start with smaller explorations. Don’t just say, I want to go for the craziest thing out there. Start with smaller things and say, Yeah, it’s really important to me to explore sex and sexuality, here’s why it’s important to me. And let’s just try a little thing. And if that goes, well, maybe we can try a little something else. And if at any point in time, the exploration is too much for you, or whatever, just speak up, let me know and we’ll stop it, we won’t go there again. Right. So those are some alternative strategies for that. Okay. So there you go. That’s sex, we got two more, and I’m already halfway through the show. So I’m gonna have to speed up a little bit here. But I think I put sex first, not just because the subtitle of the show is sex, love, and relationship, although it works that way. But because it is one of the, for lack of a better term most important subjects to most people, it’s what they want to know about the most. So it was worth spending a little bit of extra time on that one, as opposed to the others, but we will give the others their do as well.

Let me take a short break from my second sponsor. Hey, guys, do you know what makes a man great, you know, the kind of masculine man that women are irresistibly attracted to in one isn’t money, job title, his physical body, being great in bed, a big penis, great pickup lines or something else. But what if you don’t have those or only some of them? What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships are embarrassed by your bedroom skills, doubt whether you can rise to the occasion, worry about lasting long enough or are always stuck in the friend zone, I can help you if you are ready to make big changes and finally become the man you have always wanted to be, then this is the program for you to find out more, please go to KevinandCéline/go/warrior. The link is in the description. That is KevinandCéline/go/warrior. Literally, everything I’m talking about in this show, I can help you with we will go into far more depth and create unique strategies for you that work for you and your relationship. So go check that out at KevinandCéline/go/warrior. The link is in the description.

All right. So that brings us to relationships. So what are the most common complaints that I hear? When it comes to relationships? Number one, there are no good men and women out there. I hear this all the time. There’s just you know, I’ve dated them all. And I haven’t found any good ones. And I’m convinced that there just aren’t any good people out there. Not true, but we’ll talk about that. But it’s a very common complaint that I do hear. Second complaint. The people I meet are not interested in serious long-term relationships, basically, all they want to do is hook up. Okay. There are a lot of people that are like that. However, there are also a lot of good men and women out there who do genuinely want serious long-term relationships. We’ll talk about that in a moment. Also. The next complaint, he or she does not want to get married. They just want to be boyfriend and girlfriend perpetually. That’s another thing that I hear often, or you’ll hear phrased is he doesn’t want to commit. And the fourth one, he or she does not treat me the way I want to be treated.

So yeah, that is another one that you hear pretty often. So those are sort of the top four complaints that I hear when it comes to people’s relationships. They’re dating and there are either no good men or women out there. The people they meet aren’t interested in long-term relationships. They don’t want to get married or they’re not treating them the way they want to be treated. You know, I’m just realizing now, because I had the commercial out of order that I skipped over love and went straight to relationships, but that’s okay. We’ll continue on with relationships and we’ll finish up with love at the end. Maybe that was divinely guided so that we end with love. I don’t know. But that’s why I paused for a moment. I just realized that Okay, so what are the most common strategies? Remember, number one complaint, there are no good men or women out there. common strategies, keep scrolling the dating sites, right? Just scroll scroll, really more appropriately, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. And I’ve had people say they’re like, this is like a part-time job, I’m on there every day, just swipe it away. I just can’t find anybody good. So, you know, that’s, that’s the most common modern-day strategy for I can’t find anybody good is just just keep swiping.

But another thing that I often see is, you know, you put a lot of parameters into these dating sites about you know, the areas you’re you’re looking at, and the things that you’re looking for. And people don’t change those, they put in the initial thing that they’re looking for, and they don’t ever change it. And then they wonder why they’re not getting any additional options. Now, I’m not suggesting that you should compromise what you’re looking for just to broaden the search. But you might want to reevaluate those criteria and see if those really are the right criteria. Are those the things that are most important, but we’re going to, we’re going to talk about that when we get to alternative strategies. So a second complaint, the people I meet are not interested in serious long-term relationships. So what are some of the strategies there? Well, what I see often is people unconsciously picking partners that they know, will not commit.

So there’s an unconscious self-sabotaging pattern that’s going on here, that keeps them choosing these types of people over and over and over and over again. And they keep saying, I just don’t understand why I can’t find a guy that blah, blah, blah, right, or a woman that blah, blah, blah, even. And if you know enough about their dating history, you can start to see the pattern. And you can say, Oh, very interesting, you chose a person who was like this. And then that didn’t work for you. And then the next person that you chose was like this. But this is the same as this. In other words, you keep choosing the same kinds of people over and over and over again. And a lot of times, it’s not a conscious pattern, people aren’t aware of that. Sometimes they’ll even tell you that. Well, that’s what I like. That’s, that’s what I want. To which you have to say, Okay, how’s that working out for you, you say that that’s what you want. And yet you say you’re not finding what you want at the same time. So obviously, that can’t be what you really want. Again, we’ll talk about alternative strategies in a moment.

All right, the third most common complaint, he or she does not want to get married. So again, we’re talking about relationships here. For most people, this is not true for everybody. But for most people, if you’re going to commit to a serious long-term relationship, most people are generally looking for a life partner. Now, whether that means legal marriage, spiritual marriage, or no marriage at all, just the long-term commitment doesn’t matter so much. The idea is, is that you want that person to be committed to you long-term. So you know, much like the unconsciously picking partners when it came to the second complaint, right? People not interested in long-term relationships, you’ll often see people also doing the same thing when it comes to, you know, the complaint of he or she doesn’t want to get married. So what you’ll see is, they actually have their own deep fear of commitment. So they keep saying that they want somebody to commit to them, but they keep subconsciously picking people that they know, subconsciously no are never actually going to commit and do that. And so they keep repeating that pattern over and over again. That’s, that’s really the most common strategy that I see.

And then the last one, the last common complaint, he or she does not treat me the way I want to be treated. And so, what are the common strategies for that? Well, they complain, they constantly complain, they’re not treating me the way I want to be treated or you’re not doing this or you’re not doing that, or I need you to do this, or I need you to do that. They will often compromise and just say well, that this has always been that way. And it’s just always going to be that way and there’s nothing I can do here. She won’t change. So that’s that. But the other thing that I often see is they don’t treat their partner the way they want to be treated. Now that could be subconsciously. But also sometimes it’s like, well, he or she doesn’t do that for me. So why should I do that for them? To which I flip that around and say well wait a minute. How could you expect them to do for you something that you’re not doing for them? We’re going to talk about that in just a moment with the alternative strategies. But those are some of the common strategies. And so let’s talk about the alternatives.

So, the most common complaint there are no good men, or women out there, The common strategy is doom, swiping the dating sites and not changing what you’re looking for. What are some are alternative strategies that you could use? We’ll look outside your usual channels. What did we do before dating sites? Every time I hear somebody say, I’ve been through everybody, I’ve been on all the dating sites. It’s not working for me. Okay, well, what’s your strategy? Then? While I’m just gonna keep swiping on the dating sites? No, go outside the dating sites expand? What did we do before dating sites existed? We went out and we did things. We went out and we met people, we spent time with friends and we met our friends, friends. Uh-huh. Yeah, we went out and did the things that we liked to do. And we met people along the way. And we struck up conversations, and we actually asked people out on dates in person. Wow, crazy idea, right? So the alternative strategy is, to look outside the usual channels, whatever they are, that you’re using, maybe if the channels you’re using is relying on your community and friend pool, and that’s not working for you maybe then getting on online dating is the thing you should do, but do something different than what you’re currently doing.

Because your current strategies aren’t working, which is kind of a theme for this entire episode, which I’ll summarize at the end. And, you know, do the things that you love, I often hear people say, hey, look, I’m not going to do that. Until I have a partner, like, I’m not going to go on that vacation, I’m not going to do that adventure, I’m not going to do this thing until I have a partner to do it with. Well, remember that if you go out and do that thing, when you don’t have a partner and others take the same action, you might actually meet somebody doing the thing that you love, that also does the thing that you love, which means there’ll be some compatibility there something in common that you both have. So there’s potentially a good start there. All right. Second, the people I meet are not interested in serious or long-term relationships. You know, if that is a pattern that you see repeated over and over and over again, like, you know, sometimes people will fool you. And if you thought they were and then it turns out, they weren’t. And it just takes time to figure that out. And that’s fine. But if you see that pattern being repeated over and over again, don’t assume that every man out there just wants sex and doesn’t want to commit to a relationship, because it’s simply not true. If that’s not true, then you have to turn around and look back at yourself and go, what are the behavior patterns, conscious or unconscious, that I am doing on a regular basis, that is causing me to constantly meet only guys who don’t want to come in? So yeah, definitely look at your own behaviors and patterns. They’re all right.

The next complaint here, she does not want to get married. This is exactly the same. Look at the patterns if you if you’ve had long-term relationship after long-term relationship, and you’re looking for a long-term, committed partnership, marriage, whatever. And, you know, over and over again, it just doesn’t turn out that way. And then you eventually end up bailing on the relationship to start all over again, and then have the same outcome. You’ve got to look at your own behavior patterns. What does it do? Is that really what you want? Because if it is why do you keep choosing people who don’t want that? So yeah, the alternative strategy there is to figure out what your underlying patterns are. Now, that is often a difficult thing to do on your own. So for the second time, and only the second time, so far, in this entire episode, I’m going to tell you go work with somebody, a psychiatrist, a coach, somebody that can help you recognize those patterns, and potentially help you remove them and or replace them with healthier patterns that actually will work for you and help you get closer towards your actual goals and the things that you say that you want.

All right. And the last one here, she does not treat me the way I want to be treated. As always, someone’s not doing what you would like them to do. Have a conversation about a compassionate conversation about it, where you’re not shaming or blaming. Where you’re simply asking for what you need and expressing to them why that need is important to you. It makes a big difference. I’m sure you remember being a kid and your parent telling you don’t do that, right? And in your mind, you’re like, Well, why not? And your parents because I said, So was that ever an acceptable answer to you as a kid? It certainly wasn’t to me, I wanted to know why, if you gave me a damn good reason for it, I might be willing to go along with it, right? Same thing here. Ask for what you need, and tell them why it’s important to you. And then I started to talk about this before role modeling the behavior that you want, if you want to be treated a certain way in your relationship, you have to treat the other person that way or better. Right?

And, you know, this was one of the things that came up that prompted this entire episode where somebody said to me, I had made the comment to them first that, that, hey, you know, if you want somebody to give to you, you got to give to them first, you’ve got to be able to give freely from your own heart and your own love and care for the person. And their response to me was, yeah, but what if, what if they don’t do the same thing for you? And I was like, yeah, and right, you’ve got to role model the behavior that you want. Now, I’m not saying give to them, and give to them, and give to them and deplete yourself, and then never get anything in return. And let them take advantage of, you know if after a certain amount of giving to them, this person is not reciprocating and not treating you the way you want to be treated, and not giving back in ways that don’t have to be the same ways, but maybe other ways that nourish you, and you don’t need the exact same thing. But if they’re not doing that, and they’re just taking advantage of your generous heart and nature, then you just have to reevaluate that relationship is this somebody that you would even want to be in a relationship with, because they obviously don’t care. And they’re not treating you the way that you want to be treated. But too many times I see, I see people do these things where they’re like, I’m not going to show up that way, I’m not going to do that thing. I’m not going to give that to this relationship until I see the other person invest in it first, well, you know what, the other person is probably sitting on the other side thinking the same thing, I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to invest in that I’m not going to give that until I see them. Alright, we’re at a stalemate here. Where does that get us?

You have to be willing to be open and to give everything that you can give in the way that you can give it to a point. But you got to do that first, and then see if the other person responds, if they’re not responding at all, and you’re openly asking for what you need. If they’re simply not doing it, then simply reevaluate whether or not this is the right relationship and whether or not it’s healthy for you to stay in this relationship. All right, there you go. That is relationships, common complaints, strategies and alternative strategies. So let’s end with love what a great way to end the show with some love. Let’s talk about the common complaint, can’t find love. Number one, hear that one all the time, I will show too much love until he or she does and very similar to what we just talked about. He or she does not love me the way I want to be loved. And I want to feel a deeper kind of love. So those are the four most common complaints that I often hear when it comes to people seeking love. There are lots of people who have sex, but no relationship and no love. There are lots of people who have relationships, and sex, but not really the kind of love that they want. So you can have different combinations of those things. It’s, it would be pretty rare to have the love. And also not the relationship or sex. I have seen those situations where people have love and they have a relationship. They’re deeply committed to each other. They absolutely love each other, but they don’t have the sex. That happens a lot.

But generally, if you have a relationship you probably if you have love you probably also have a relationship that’s feeding that love. But anyway, the point is these these complaints do still happen quite often, regardless of the exact situation. So what are the common strategies? Well, for I can’t find love. You keep looking in the same places. You keep trying the same types of people. And then you’re wondering why you’re still not finding love. won’t show too much love until he or she does what’s a common strategy there. What you hold back. You’re holding back that’s the strategy is I’m waiting. Watching this. Mm hmm. Yep, yep, nope. No, he’s still not doing it. She’s still not doing it. I’m waiting longer than let’s see here. She does not love me the way I want to be loved. What’s the strategy there? are, well, a lot of times people don’t speak up, and then they build up resentment. And then they start, you know, what Céline used to call the four C’s, which I’ve gotten into in the show many times before, you know, complaining, criticizing, compromising, blah, blah, blah, all that stuff. So yeah, a lot of times the strategy literally is to just basically, they don’t speak up about it, they complain, and they build up present. And I want to feel a deeper kind of love. So what’s the common strategy there, they settle for less and are not willing to do what it takes to experience a deeper love.

So they keep saying that they want a deeper love, but you don’t see them taking action on it. Which, you know, often requires some vulnerability, and talk about that. In the alternative strategies, which we’re coming to right now. So common complaint, I can’t find love common strategy, you keep looking in the same places, you keep trying the same types of people, what are the alternative strategies to that? You need to cast a bigger net, you need to look in new different places, and maybe unexpected places, maybe the places that you thought for sure, absolutely not. There’s not. If I went, there’s no way I would meet somebody there, that would work for me, because that’s just, that’s no way, right? You don’t know that. And if all of your other strategies haven’t worked up to this point, then is worth trying something else. You also want to be open to the idea that love may not show up exactly how you expect it. So we often have this idea in our heads that this is how love is going to show up. This is what love is going to look like maybe that came from the role model of your parents. Maybe it came from you know, the romance novels you’ve read or the rom-com movies that you watch all the time. But is that really realistic? You would want to ask yourself that question because love might show up in ways that you really didn’t expect it.

All right, next one. I won’t show too much love until he or she does a common strategy, you hold back. What are some alternative strategies? Really give love freely, as much as you can. Like, again, role model, what it is that you want from the person, it will inspire them, to give it back to you. Again, don’t be a doormat, don’t let people take advantage of you. But don’t expect them to give to you if you’re not giving to them. So the alternative strategy really is just just give love freely, give love freely, but don’t allow people to take advantage of you. It’s kind of that that simple. All right. The next common complaint, he or she does not love me the way I want to be loved the common strategy, you don’t speak up and instead build up resentment. So what are the alternative strategies? You got to have powerful conversations, you got to sit down and say, This is how I like to be loved. This is what I need. And here’s why I need that. And would you be able to give this to me? And if not, how else could you show up that this is as close to that as possible?

So have powerful conversations, and ask for what you want. And if the person is simply not capable of showing up and giving you the love that you need, then you need to reevaluate that relationship. Do you just do you know there are times when we can love somebody so much? And yet, we know that they’re not the right person for us. And it’s hard, it’s hard to let go of those relationships, the easy relationships to let go of are the ones where the person just really treats you badly. And you know, you’re angry about it. And so you’re like, That’s it, I’m done. But the ones where the person has some things that are really good and really work for you. But there’s some key deal breaker that they just are not willing to change, or can’t change for whatever reason. Those are the hard ones to let go. But just remember that if you are strong enough to be able to do what it takes to come out the other side, you have now opened up the possibility of being able to receive all that you really want and need in your sex, love, and relationship. All right. And last one, I want to feel a deeper kind of love and a common strategy you settle for less than or not willing to do what it takes to experience a deeper love. So what is the alternative strategy? Be willing to go deep? Be willing to do what it takes. I’ve mentioned before that this often requires vulnerability, if you really, really, really want to experience the deep levels of love and connection in a relationship, you have got to be willing to be vulnerable.

Now, does that mean guys that you have to bear all your insecurities and curl up in a ball and cry to your woman? And, you know, tell her all the things you worry about? No, no, it’s not what I’m saying at all. But you do need to be vulnerable, you need to open up your heart and tell them how much you love them, how much you appreciate them, what they mean to you how important the relationship is to you how you’re willing to invest in it and go deeper and see what else you could create together. And it’s, you know, I’m not picking on guys, there’s plenty of women who aren’t willing to go deep also, I’m just using that as one example. But you just said you have to be willing to do what it takes, you know, it’s not necessarily even something that that happens. Like, what am I trying to say? It’s not something necessarily, that’s easy, or that just sort of happens in the natural course of a relationship. Sometimes it takes some work and some cultivation, sometimes it does happen, and sometimes you meet that person, and you just instantly dive deep. And it just is something that that you didn’t even consciously think of. But that’s not always the case. Sometimes you really got to say, let’s, let’s make it a point, to see where we can take this and where this can go. So you have to be willing to do what it takes. And that really leads me to sort of summing up everything that we’ve talked about here, which is this.

Whether it’s sex, love, or relationship, you’ve got your current strategies for how you deal with it, you have to honestly evaluate if those strategies are really working for you. And if not, you have to be willing to try something different. Don’t keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If doing the same thing keeps bringing you the same results, try something different. See, if you get a different result. If that doesn’t work, try something different. See, if you get a different result, repeat until you get the different result that you’re looking for. But to do that, that is going to require you to take action, that is going to require you to take action, you’re gonna actually have to do stuff, you’re gonna have to go out there, you’re gonna have to work on it, you’re gonna have to try new things, you’re gonna have to get help, whatever it is, you’re gonna have to actually go out there and try something new, take action and get the help that you need. But it is possible.

And in my personal opinion, having an amazing relationship full of deep love, and amazing sex is the best thing in this life. Money is great. Sure, having a purpose and a career is great. Absolutely not denying either of those things. But I have learned that I am never truly happy, unless I have a deep fulfilling relationship with lots of love and great sex. And so to me, it is worth doing whatever it takes to cultivate that and make it a reality in my world. So I hope that you see it as important as I do and that you’re willing to do what it takes. And that this episode, gave you some ideas, maybe sparked a light bulb or two to turn on, and maybe also motivated you to finally do these things that you’ve been thinking about, but haven’t taken action on. All right, everybody. That’s all I got for you in this episode. And I’ll see you next week.

I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends. And for more free exclusive content. Join me in the passion bowl at Kevin and Céline dot com forward slash vote. That’s Kevin and Céline dot com forward slash full. Thanks for listening. And remember, as Céline used to say you’re amazing!