The Most Important Thing You Need To Establish In Any Relationship

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 227. And it’s titled The most important thing you need to establish in any relationship. Oh, okay, what is that thing? Well, we will be talking about that.

But first, I just wanted to stop for a moment and acknowledge the fact that you may have noticed there’s different intro music this time around? Well, as you know, when I did the original episode, where I explained why Céline is not here with me anymore, the fact that she had passed away. I also mentioned that I didn’t want to change too much on the show, because I really loved the format that we had created. And I think it works really well. So my intention wasn’t to come in and start doing things very differently. We have grown an audience who likes what we do, and I kind of want to keep it the same. However, for some reason, our intro music, which we legally purchased and used for over four years, kept chipping the copyright algorithms in YouTube. And although every time it did, I would appeal it, and I would win because we did have legal rights to use it, it was getting really annoying to constantly have to go through that. So I have changed the music. It’s not because I’m trying to make it any different or change the show really, in any significant way. I just had to do it. So I hope you like the new intro music, I kind of like it. It’s kind of a blues ish kind of thing, which I like a lot. So hopefully you do too.

Okay, let’s move on from that. And get a word from our sponsor. Do you want to join the secret club of men who are great embed, then check out power and mastery. It’s the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections lasts longer, or increase your sexual skills that was something for you at power and mastery.com. As you know, that is the men’s sexual mastery course that Selena and I created. It is absolutely awesome. It’s been doing really well. Lately, I’ve been getting great feedback. I mean, we’ve always gotten great feedback on this. But for some reason lately, even more so than usual. And it’s fantastic, because we put it out there to help people. And I’m glad that it’s doing that.

Okay, so what is this thing? What is this thing that is the most important thing that you need to establish in any relationship? It is trust, trust. Now we did an episode where we also did a similar title about you know, this thing, and we were talking about safety. Safety is huge. But one of the ways that you get to safety is by establishing trust. So what is trust? Exactly? Right, because we all have an idea of what we think trust is like, Yeah, I know what trust is, right?

I’m going to give you the dictionary definition. And then I’m going to give you an expanded definition that I think is going to change the way you look at what trust is so according to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, trust is the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, and truth of someone or something. Okay, this is pretty straightforward, right? Basically, you can rely on somebody, you trust, their character, their ability and their strength, and the fact that they’ll be cool. If you listened to our episode on relational intelligence, we interviewed a man named Adam Bandelli. And he wrote a book called relational intelligence and in there he has a much deeper explanation of trust.

And I want to read it and this is this paragraph is straight from the book I’m sure he won’t mind because I’m quoting him when we had him on the show. But it really takes it to a deeper level. So okay, what are we talking about here? Researchers have found that predictability eg subjective probability of a person’s actions, dependability, eg trust placed in the person rather than Then in the person’s actions and faith, trust for all situations that may be encountered in the future are key indicators of trust. Trust evaluations are also composed of perceptions of the ability, benevolence, and integrity of the person being trusted. Ability is the skills and characteristics that enable a person to have influence within some area of expertise. Benevolence, is the extent to which the person being trusted is believed to want to do good to the person doing the trusting. And integrity involves the person doing the trusting to perceive that the other person adheres to a set of principles that the trustor finds acceptable.

Whoa, there’s a lot to unpack there. Okay. I wanted to read that because there’s a bunch of other keywords that come in there, you know, from, you know, expertise and skills to benevolence to integrity, there’s, there’s a whole lot more to trust as it pertains to a relationship than just, yeah, I think you’ll do what he says or she’ll do what she says, right. So let’s just go back to the beginning part of that. So predictability, dependability, and faith. An interesting point I found when I was researching this was that, you know, a lot of times people will define trust, based on predictability, like, I know that they’re going to do X, Y, Z.

The problem with that, though, is that people can predictably do bad things. So you’re not going to trust somebody just because they act in a predictable manner. Because the way they’re acting may not actually be what you want, or what you need. So it’s got to be more than just predictability. Then there’s dependability. So trust placed in the person rather than just the person’s actions. So the actions might be great. But can you really are you really depending on the person themselves. And then here’s this one I really liked, which is not what I necessarily want, I guess I kind of added it to at the end of the show when we talk about it.

But I didn’t necessarily think of it in this in this way, which was faith, one trust for all situations that may be encountered in the future. And that is really, really important in a relationship. When you get together in a relationship with somebody, you are inevitably thinking about the future. I mean, if it’s a serious relationship, it’s one thing if it’s just like, hey, let’s get together and fucking have a little fun and whatever, you’re probably not thinking too far in the future. And maybe if you’re really young, you’re not thinking too far into the future.

Although trust me, guys, the ladies are, no matter how young they are, they are definitely thinking of the future. We talked about that in the men’s guide to understanding women. How as soon as women decide that you are potentially a good fit, they’re already thinking about what color your children’s eyes will have. And all of that is a great episode. By the way, if you haven’t listened to that one, you really should go listen to it. But yeah, this idea about looking towards the future, what will our relationship be like? Where will we live, you know, will we have children what you know, all that kind of stuff, you can’t really look out into the future.

And try to figure out what those things are, if you don’t trust the person that you’re with. And I’ll give you the perfect example of that I was in a relationship once with a woman with who we had a ton in common, I really did like our lifestyles really matched a lot. There was sexual chemistry and attraction there, there were a lot of reasons to think that that relationship was going to be good. But for whatever reason, every couple of months, we would have some sort of a big incident where we’d have some sort of a drama problem, or something come up in the relationship.

And it happened enough times that basically, as far as I was concerned, I was thinking, wow, I cannot plan for the future for this relationship, because it’s too unpredictable. It’s too unstable. And so at one point, she says to me, Hey, you know, if we’re together x number of years, and we’re not married yet, then I’m out here. Of course, the worst thing that a partner could ever say to you is to create conditions like that. So that was a major faux pas on her part to begin with. However, the reason I’m telling this story right now is because my response to that was I cannot even think about or consider being married, or even living together until we can get this relationship stable.

Right. So I didn’t trust her that she wasn’t going to have another moment incident event, some reason to get mad at me or start some sort of drama in the relationship, I didn’t trust that she wasn’t going to do that. And I knew that I didn’t want to be long term in a relationship that had that as a problem. So, yeah, that’s just one example of like, you got to have that faith, that any situations, anything that happens in the future, you know, this person is going to be there, and they’re going to do the right thing.

All right. So those are some enhanced definitions of what trust is. Okay, so now that we know what trust is, why is trust important? Why is it important to establish trust in a relationship? It should seem relatively obvious, but I’m gonna go over a few things that maybe you didn’t think of. And maybe you did, but they need to be said anyway. Okay, number one, trust is it fundamental to the success of your relationship. So, as Adam described it, in his book, it’s the glue that takes a relationship to its deepest levels of connection and intimacy.

When relationships get really good, I mean, really good, like, really good. It’s because you have an extremely deep level of connection and intimacy. That’s when it really starts to get amazing. But you can’t get there. If you don’t have trust people will not let you into those deeper areas of themselves if they don’t trust you. All right, number two trust provides motivation and positive energy to help support a healthy relationship.

So motivation and positive energy, really mean by that, it means that the more somebody trusts you, the more they’re willing to give to the relationship. Right. So the more they’re willing to put into the relationship, the more they’re willing to develop that relationship. So the trust is very important for that. Number three, trust provides a feeling of safety. Remember that episode I just mentioned a little while ago about safety, safety is so, so important. It’s important for both men and women in a relationship, it is even more important for women in a relationship. If you really want to create safety in your relationship, you have to establish trust. Alright, next trust allows us to think into the future. This is that whole faith thing that we were just talking about before. We can’t do that unless we trust.

I won’t really talk more about that, because I think I did a pretty good job of talking about that one already. Number six, trust allows us to be vulnerable. Oh, yeah. Nobody wants to get vulnerable with someone they don’t trust. And in number seven, trust is the foundation of being a team. You’ve probably heard Céline And I mentioned many times on this show that we were a team that we consider ourselves, Team us, we call it which also stood for unstoppable success. And that’s really how we functioned from the beginning right up until the very end, as a solid team, inseparable from each other, always working together for our common good.

So you can’t do that unless you really, really trust someone. And then the last one here, why it’s important to establish trust is because the only way to have deep levels of sexual intimacy is if you really trust someone. Remember that for women. They have to open up and receive as men were the penetrators, right. But for women they need to open up and receive. They literally are opening their legs, they’re opening their pussies, they’re opening their hearts, they are receiving you into them. They are also taking the risk of potentially becoming pregnant as well. So there is a lot that they have to trust in order to be able to go there So there’s a minimal level, obviously, of trust in order to have sex.

But you know, sometimes that bar is kind of low for some women. But to really get to those deeper places, those places where it’s just otherworldly sex, you know, like something and I used to call it multi-dimensional Out of this world, we had this big long phrase that we will use to describe the type of sex we had, the only way you can get there is through a really solid foundation of trust, which of course, creates safety, which then allows her to open up both physically and emotionally. All right, so that is, those are some of the reasons it’s important to establish trust, I’m sure you could come up with a longer list. But those will do for now. What are the specific qualities and behaviors of trust?

Okay, so when I was creating this episode, I was originally going to do this all on my own based on the information that Selena and I have been teaching for a long time. But often, I will go and do some research to find that, you know, little bits and pieces and supporting facts and things like that. And I came across something that I really, really liked, and I wanted to share with you all. And it is basically the specific qualities and behaviors of trust. So researcher and educator Brene.

Brown emphasizes the importance of breaking down the concept of trust into specific qualities and behaviors, so that it can be more easily understood. Joining from her extensive research, Brown offers the acronym braving to share qualities that contribute to building and sustaining trust in relationships. Okay, so she’s got this acronym. It’s called braving, and each one of those stands for something, obviously, because it’s an acronym. As I read each one to you and think about them, and how they might apply to you. So number one boundaries? Can I trust you to be clear about what is okay? And what is not okay, in this relationship?

Can I trust you to understand and respect my boundaries? Are you willing to say no, and respect my need to say no, sometimes? Do you understand that setting boundaries is often one of the most loving things we can do in our relationships? So the B in braving is boundaries, we’ve done episodes on boundaries, too, I think, in fact, we did a whole episode on boundaries, I can’t remember what it was called. But they are super, super important. And you need to be able to not only set your own boundaries that your partner can trust, but you need to be able to trust your partner’s boundaries.

The key, of course, to boundary setting is to keep the boundaries. So a lot of times people will set boundaries, but then they don’t keep the boundaries. Well, what happens as soon as you don’t keep the boundary, the person doesn’t trust that you’re going to keep the boundary. They also learned that the boundaries don’t mean anything, and they don’t have to pay attention to them. So yeah, set boundaries, and make sure that your partner can trust your boundaries. All right, our is reliability. Will you follow through and do what you say you’re going to do?

Can I trust that you won’t over promise on your ability or capacity to complete tasks? Or projects? Are you able to balance competing priorities? Can I trust these things about you consistently and over time? Who, whew, reliability? Probably one of the biggest things when it comes to trust? Will you follow through and do what you say you’re going to do? There is no bigger or faster way to destroy trust in a relationship than to not do what you said you were going to do. Now, here’s the thing.

Céline. And I’ve talked about this a lot. Most people will tell you, when you coach them, and you talk about this, they’ll say oh, yeah, I mean, you know, I do that, you know, I never, you know, if I tell her I’m going to do something I generally do it. That’s not always true. And I’ll tell you why. When they say that they’re generally talking about big things. So they mean, yeah, if I say the big thing is gonna happen, then I generally do it, but they forget about all the small things. So you know, when she says, Hey, honey, it’s trash night, can you make sure that you take out the trash? And you’re like, Yeah, I’ll take it out. And then you don’t take it out when you say you’re gonna take it out. It’s a small thing. Right? And so a lot of times guys, like whatever and it’ll get taken out eventually. Yeah, I know. I told her I’d take it out before dinner, but whatever. I’ll take it out in the morning, whatever.

But You’re not being reliable and you’re not doing what you said you were going to do. That’s the thing is, it’s okay, if you tell her, I’ll take it out, I’m not sure when it might be before dinner, it might be in the morning, but I’ll make sure it gets out before the trash truck gets here, that’s fine. What you don’t want to do is say, Yeah, I’ll make sure I take it out before dinner, and then you don’t, because even if you take it out later, you still didn’t do what you said you were going to do. And those little things, lots of those little things over time, build up.

And she starts to learn that when she asked you to do something, you might not do it. Or you might not do it, when you said you were going to do it, or how you said you were going to do it or any of that. And so those little things start to erode away the trust in the relationship. So reliability is really, really important, you’ve got to, you’ve got to do what you said you were going to do in the way and when you said you were going to do it. You know, another great example, about that, from my relationship with Céline. Before Céline and I were together when we were both dating other people, but we were friends.

The woman I was dating at the time, said something somewhat inappropriate to Céline. And I was talking to Céline about it, and she was a little upset over it. And she was like, hey, you know, this was out of line. And I think you need to talk to her about it. Now in that situation, I could have defaulted to the side of my partner and simply said, I’m not going to talk to her about it, whatever. She was probably right, for whatever reason, and just kind of dropped it there. But I understood even though that we weren’t partners, and there wasn’t even any potential of being partners at that point in our lives. I understood that if I didn’t address it, I was breaking any trust in the friendship that we had.

So I told her, Okay, I will talk to her about it. And I did. And, you know, years later in our relationship that came up again, we were just talking about it one day, and she told me how much she appreciated it because originally, she thought I wasn’t going to do anything about it. And it really meant a lot to her that I actually went to my partner and spoke up about what she had said, and talked about it and said, Okay, you know, is this is not appropriate?

Or, you know, I don’t go into the exact details of that scenario. But the point is, is that I realized that it was important to keep the trust that we had in our friendship, that not only did I address it, but I addressed it actually just, I addressed it with my partner, not just with Céline. So yeah, you gotta you got to do that. All right. Hey, accountability. Can I trust that when you make a mistake that you will own it, apologize and make amends? Am I willing to hold myself accountable for the mistakes I make as well? Okay, so accountability, really, really important. No matter how hard we try, there will likely be times when something small happens, that breaks us some small amount of trust.

Yeah. The reality is, is like, you know, from a coaching point of view, I see it all the time, like all the time. So yeah, I see all the time, at least little things where people break the trust. Thinking about thinking back about my own relationship with Céline. I actually can’t remember any times where this happened. But I think that’s kind of rare. I really do. I think that in most relationships, there are some times where things, you made a promise, and you just didn’t keep it. For whatever reason. You know, Celine really inspired me to be my best, and I tried really hard not to disappoint her. And I can’t really recall any instances when I did, but I see it happen a lot.

And so if that happens, because it most likely will at some point, then you simply have to own it. And apologize and say you’re right, I screwed up, and I’ll do better next time. And we’ll talk about when we get towards the end of the show. How to fix the trust once it’s been broken. All right, the vault do you hold in confidence what I share with you do we hold in confidence what others have shared with us when those stories are not ours to share? So you Yeah, just just, you know, keeping confidential things confidential. That’s really important.

Nobody’s going to open up and be super vulnerable with you if they think you’re just gonna blab it all over to anybody who asks, right. So that’s important. I integrity can I trust that you will act from your integrity, including choosing courage over comfort, choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast or easy, and practicing your values and not just professing them? Integrity, super important and something that is honestly so lacking in today’s society. I had to give myself a truth bomb for that because it is true. We are so lacking in integrity in this society. And boy, is that a trend?

I would like to see change. integrity in your relationship, super important, but integrity in life in general, whether it’s your work, whether it’s your relationship, whatever, whether it’s with your kids, integrity, super, super important. And non judgement? Do I know that I can fall apart and be in struggle and pain and that you won’t judge me? Do I trust that you will reach out to me when you’re also in pain and struggle? So that I can have the opportunity to be supportive? Are we able to regularly offer and ask for help from each other? Definitely important.

Yeah. Again, you know, communication is so huge, and relationships, and we’ve done multiple episodes on communication, you’re never gonna get good communication. Unless the person feels confident and they trust that you’re not going to judge them for opening up and sharing whatever it is they need to share. And the last one generosity, will you assume that my intentions are good? And when you’re not sure, will you check it out with me? Can we make generous assumptions and interpretations of ourselves and others in terms of words, behaviors and actions? So yeah, this we’ll talk about benevolence. A little bit later as well, but yeah, basically, can somebody trust that you’re acting with their best intentions, your best intentions and the best intentions of you together? As a couple that’s super important. So that’s something I came across that was from Brene Brown a lot of you will know who she is. Great stuff. I really liked it so much that I had to incorporate it into the show.

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All right. Next, how do we establish trust? Well, some of it we’ve kind of talked about already, but I just kind of kind of want to put it in a logical order kind of step by step, although they’re not necessarily step one, step two. So that it’s really easy, you don’t have to go back and pick out the pieces from what I talked about before. Okay, number one, set strong boundaries. So this is really, really important, strong boundaries for behavior that you accept from them, and the other way around, right. So it’s really important to have strong boundaries.

You know, they did a study, I think we’ve talked about this, on the show in the past that it’s totally somewhat irrelevant. But it illustrates the point, which is this, they did a study years ago with kids. And they put kids in this area, and they didn’t give them any boundaries. So they just you can go wherever you want, do whatever you want. And those kids traveled a certain distance away from where they started, which wasn’t very far. Then they took a second group of kids, and they said, you can only go as far as this boundary.

And those kids actually traveled much further away in their plays and movements than the ones that weren’t given any boundaries, the boundaries made them feel safe enough to go out and explore. And the same thing is true in your relationship. It’s important to have healthy boundaries. You know, again, another example from my own personal relationships. I had a relationship years ago, where it was an open relationship. And I believed that we had very clear boundaries around that. And one day, we’re in the car with another coach in the industry. And she says, So what are your What are your boundaries?

And my partner says, Oh, we don’t have any. And I was like, what, what? What? Like, of course, we have boundaries. And then I proceeded to label or label, say what each one of them was. And, you know, there’s a couple of things about that story. One is that taught me that even though we had talked about them, we never really formally talked about them. And we even took it a step further after that, and wrote them down. But the point is, is that, in that particular relationship, I understood at that point, why she didn’t feel safe is because in her mind, there weren’t any boundaries. But in my mind, we had a very clear set of boundaries.

So that was something that needed to be corrected. Number two, keep your word at all costs. We’ve already talked about this several times through this show, it is so so important that you keep your word really important. Number three, take responsibility for your actions, if you do make a mistake, because it happens, we’re not perfect, and we make mistakes. And when that happens, we just have to take responsibility. Number four, always act in integrity.

Number five, give without expecting to receive this is something that Céline And I used to talk about all the time, you know, I forget she had a percentage she used to use where she I think it was something like each partner in the relationship should be giving at least 60% of the time, right, which obviously, that’s not possible. But the point was, is that you should always focus on the giving part. And not just while I’m giving you so that I can get something back. Right. That’s what you don’t want to do. So yeah, giving without expecting to receive and that really comes to, you know, if you are showing up and doing things regularly reliably for your partner without expecting anything in return, then they’ll start to trust that you’re really doing them because you genuinely want to do them for someone or for them.

You know, the idea is, if you only do stuff because you’re getting something back in return, they don’t have that same level of trust, I think why he doesn’t really care about me or he doesn’t really care about doing that thing for me. He just wants to get X Y or Z right. Number six, act with benevolence. So what does that mean? That means with the person’s best interest in mind, now obviously you also need to work with you know, your own best interest in mind.

But in any really solid relationship, your best interest should be their best interest as Well, it generally isn’t, there might be a few situations here or there that aren’t. But you really want to act with benevolence, like I see far too often in coaching, that a couple is really more in competition with each other. And mostly outs to maximize themselves. As long as it doesn’t hurt the other person too much, right? Terrible, terrible way to be in a relationship. Your partner should be your absolute biggest cheerleader, they should be the person that is doing everything they can to help you become the best version of yourself that you can be. And if your partner is not doing that, then they may not be the right partner for you.

So I have seen too many times in relationships where one partner in the relationship starts to get really successful. And then there’s jealousy. It’s like, why, what are you jealous about? If you’re really functioning as a team, one person’s successes is both of your success, regardless of whose it is, you know, when Céline and I first got together, she was really the one. When it came to the sex, love and relationship business, she already had hers really firmly established.

And she was being successful. And even though I had my coaching practice, going already, it wasn’t at the level that hers was because I was still doing another job as well, at the same time, was I jealous, was I trying to like, you know, figure out ways to take what she was doing to help me know, I gave all of my extra time to making her business, bigger, stronger, better, because her success was my success too. And, you know, that’s, that’s really how we got into doing it together. Because if you recall our story, we did not start out working together, we were working separately.

Because lots of reasons. But one of which was, I’ve seen too many times, when people who do coaching work get together, suddenly, they’re coaching together, and they’re doing all this stuff. And we’re the greatest, you know, power couple in the world until they’re not, and they break up and things go away. Not that I ever expected that we would break up, it’s just that I didn’t want to be like, Oh, here’s that guy tagging along with her who’s already successful. So we kept things separate for a while and did our own thing. But at a certain point, we were supporting each other so much, we were like, this is just silly. We’re basically working together anyway. So why don’t we just combine everything, right? Because we really wanted each other to, to be successful and to succeed. Okay, number seven, communicate openly and frequently.

I mean, I cannot stress this enough. This is why we’ve talked about communication so many times on this show, you know, communication is one of the most important ways that you build trust, good communication. And then, of course, trust is one of the main foundations of any relationship. So super important to communicate openly and frequently. And when you do this is number eight, be open, honest and transparent.

You have to be open, honest and transparent. I have a friend I was talking with this past weekend, who is in a somewhat new relationship. And he’s been traveling a lot. And generally, he tells her, Oh, I’m here now, and I’m doing this thing. And she happens to see on social media that he was somewhere that he didn’t happen to mention in their communications. Now, it’s kind of a small thing, because he was traveling a lot, and he was bouncing from place to place to place. Maybe he just missed it. Maybe it was intentional. Honestly, we don’t know. But the point is, little things like that will start to erode the trust of be open, honest and transparent.

You just got to it’s funny too, because another thing that I see people do in the beginning of relationships is they hold back parts of who they are, because they think the other person isn’t gonna like it. Well, not really going to share that part because they’re probably not into that or, or whatever. You don’t want to do that. You want to be 100%. Honest, open and transparent from day one. Because if any of those things about who you are triggers the other person you want to know right away. You do. You want to know right away and you want to just get it out in the open Why waste time with somebody who later on it’s gonna go oh, oh, I didn’t know that about you. I don’t really like that.

That doesn’t really work for me, right. Okay, so those are eight ways that you can establish trust. The other thing I guess I would add to that maybe there’s actually not as consistency. You just have to be consistent. You have to do it over and over and over and over and over and over. over and over again, you just have to keep being consistent doing all of those things. Okay, last few things I want to talk about before I wrap this show up in, which is what happens when the trust is broken? And how can you repair it. Because this happens a lot in relationships. And we work a lot on this. When we are coaching people, you see it very, very often that people are having to try to rebuild the trust in their relationship. Okay, so what happens when the trust is broken?

Once you break unconditional trust, an emotional vacuum is created, ooh, not good. Once broken, your partner will lose all confidence in you, especially if it’s a big thing, maybe not so much a little thing, they might not lose all confidence in you, but they’re going to lose at least some. If it’s a big violation, it’s likely to end the relationship. And here is something guys that you need to understand. And this is something that I’ve had to tell too many clients, they do something that is a big violation of trust. She calls the relationship off, and then they’re over there going, Well, do you think she’ll come back?

Do you think she’ll change her mind? If you do a big breach of trust? That’s it. She’s done. Once a woman decides that she’s done, she’s done. In fact, I was just I was on a hike with a female friend this past holiday weekend. And we were having this conversation. And I said this, I said, it has been my experience and salines as well, that once a woman decides she’s done, that’s it. There’s no going back, like she’s not going to change her mind. And what did she say?

She said, Yep, absolutely. She’s like, once we’re done, we’re done. So yeah, if it’s a big violation, it’s likely going to end the relationship, and she’s not going to change her mind. If it’s a small violation, you may be able to fix it. So the little things can often be fixed. And we’ll talk about how you can do that. If you can fix it, it will take time to re-establish the trust. So you need to be patient, it will take time, that’s the thing is trust can be broken in an instant. But it could take months or years to get it back. So you want to do everything you can not to break it.

Number six, sometimes your partner will give you a second chance, but the trust is never really back to where it was. So what do I mean by that? Well, if it’s a fairly large violation, and the person decides to stay with you, one of the things you have to try to figure out is, is it really possible to get that trust back because sometimes it just isn’t, sometimes they’ll stay, but they never really trust you. And being in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t really trust you is a terrible place to be. So you know, if, if you notice that happening, you need to get real honest. And you need to sit down and have some real communications, maybe seek some help from the outside.

Because you need to figure out a way to fix it. If you can’t get back into the space of trust, then this relationship is likely going to fail at some point in the future. And you might as well fix it now or move on now. And last one on the list of what happens when the trust is broken, you’re most likely going to see a lack of intimacy and sex, you just will. Especially if you know you’re the man and you have broken the trust with your woman. She doesn’t want to be sexual or intimate with somebody she doesn’t trust. She just doesn’t. So those are some of the things that can happen when you break the trust. So then the question is, how can you repair it once you’ve broken it? Okay, here are some steps to do exactly that. Number one, apologize.

Once you realize that the trust has been broken, apologize. Now, you may not necessarily think that what you did broke the trust. But it doesn’t matter what you think, because the other person believes that it didn’t break the trust and so therefore the trust is broken. So whether you believe it was a trust breaking infraction or not, it happened and the other person has lost trust. So apologize. Number two, take responsibility for your actions. So apologize for breaking the trust first, and then take responsibility. You’re right, I did do that thing. I shouldn’t have done that. Which leads to number three, which is explained how things will be different in the future.

So you say, Okay, I apologize for that happening. I’m taking responsibility. I did do that. Here’s how I will do things differently in the future so that this doesn’t happen again. Number four, listen, empathically be present with your partner and ask questions to better understand them. A lot of times what happens is when your partner accuses you of breaking the trust, you get defensive, right? And you need to go into well, no, no, no, no, that’s not really, what you really want to do is listen, just listen. Let them tell you how they feel and how they perceived it on their end.

You don’t have to agree with it all. And you don’t have to debate it, but at least allow them to stay at it, then you can take responsibility for the part that you feel you are responsible for and apologize and then tell them how you will act differently in the future. Number five, continually deepen your own self-awareness so that you can share your most honest thoughts, emotions, needs, and requests. You know, everything is an inside job, we talk about that all the time on this show, you need to make sure that you are doing your own inner work, because honestly, you’re not going to be able to do steps 123, and four, if you are not developed enough in your own self-awareness and your own process, you’re just not going to be able to do it if you’re not there. So keep working on that.

Number six, be open and willing to work on the relationship. All right, so you broke trust. So now it’s going to take a little effort to get it back. If you’re not willing to put in that effort, then you’re not going to be able to repair the trust. You know, you got to do it. I hear too many guys, if we get comments like this on YouTube all the time. That’s so much work. Why are women such a pain in the ass, it’s not that much work. Anything good in life takes work.

You want to be a good musician, it takes a lot of work to get there, you want to be good at your job, it takes a lot of work to get there, you want to be good at your relationship, it takes a lot of work to get there, that’s just how it is we have to put in the work put in the time, put in the practice, we have to hone our skills and get good at things. Okay, number seven, create new positive experiences together. So you had a negative experience, you need to keep creating positive ones over and over again so that they will reprogram the person to or the relationship to remember the positive experiences and not the negative ones.

Number eight, talk to one another, we talked about that you have to have really open and honest communications. And you need to do them frequently. I know guys, like sometimes you cringe, you’re like, Oh, she wants to talk again. Don’t talk just for the sake of talking don’t process just for the sake of processing.

But have really meaningful, productive conversations that are open and honest, it is absolutely critical to any relationship and especially to repairing trust. Number nine, find ways to connect you got to find ways to connect and create that deeper intimacy. Number 10. Say what you mean and mean what you say you’ve heard that many, many times, do not promise things that you cannot keep super, super important. If you know you can’t do it, don’t say that you will. Right, be honest and say you know, I can’t do that. But here’s what I can do. Really, really, really important.

Keep and follow through with commitments that you make was very similar to say what you mean and mean what you say but a little bit different. So you know, when you when you say something, just to clarify, number 10. When you say something, that thing that you said is exactly what you meant, right. And so what you meant is how you said it. But then number 11 is following through on commitments that you make. So if you say you’re going to do something in a certain time you do it. Number 12 Be consistent, super important to be consistent.

You just have to keep doing it over and over and over and over again. If you are consistently earning your partner’s trust, then that trust will continue to grow and deepen and any breaks in that trust will begin to repair. Be patient. That’s the next one. It’s important to be patient because it’s going to take time to repair the trust. And then lastly, there can be no more infractions. You can work really hard at repairing the trust. But if you keep doing things to break that trust, you’re never going to get that you’re never going to be able to repair it. So it’s really important that you do your absolute best when you’re trying to repair trust and not to break it again in any way.

So there you go. That is a list of ways that you can help repair Trust. I hope this episode was really valuable for you. I thought the information was really great. I mean, understanding what trust really is using Bearnaise. acronym of braving, I think is really important to understand, you know, having some ways to establish trust, understanding what happens when trust is broken, and then learning some tools to be able to repair it. These are critical, critical skills to having a successful relationship. So that’s all I have for you for this episode, and I will see you next week.

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Céline Remy 50:49
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at Céline remy.com forward slash vault. That’s c e l i n e r e m y.com forward slash vault.

Kevin Anthony 51:04
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 51:05
And remember, you’re amazing