Sex After Children

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 196. And it’s titled sex after children. So this comes to us, actually from one of our subscribers on YouTube, who was asking about what you do after you’ve given birth, and you have a young child and you have no sex drive, yet your partner still wants to have sex. So we’ve never done a show specifically on that.

Kevin Anthony 0:59
And so we’re going to do one today is not going to be just on that it’s going to be basically sex after you have children no matter what. So like there’s your sex life before you have children. And then there’s your sex life after you have children. And they’re often not the same, nothing, some couples can pull it off, and it doesn’t change much. But for most people, it really does change.

Kevin Anthony 1:18
So we’re going to cover what it’s like when the children are really young, what it’s like when the children are a little bit older, and some strategies to help you help your postpartum help you when the kids are older. And I do want to say, yes, we do not have our own children.

Kevin Anthony 1:36
But we have worked with a lot of clients who do have children. So we have firsthand experience in helping people through this. Also, as we’ve talked about on the show, we both were stepparents in the past to young children. So we do know what it’s like trying to have sex with young children in the house.

Céline Remy 1:56
So one thing to realize is that everything changes after a baby. And that includes sex. And a lot of people don’t think about that previously. But I also want to say that if you have a good foundation, whatever life throws at you whether it’s a major stress, because having a kid is a major stress, whether it’s an illness, whether it’s anything like this, if you have a good solid foundation put in place, you will be able to withstand it.

Céline Remy 2:25
Now, if your relationship was not strong, to begin with, and you already had issues prior, they will only get magnified. So it’s important to do the work prior, it’s always better than trying to repair something or trying to fix something if it was already kind of broken or not working well prior.

Céline Remy 2:46
And I also want to mention that for some it can really strengthen the relationship and it forces you to prioritize what is important, and also in redefining what intimacy really means. And we will dive into all of this, and I’m excited to talk about that. But before we get started, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery.

Céline Remy 3:11
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Kevin Anthony 3:37
Okay, so we thought we would start this out by just throwing out some stats that we found kind of interesting like, what’s the average for a normal couple, right? Because there’s a lot of people out there that are thinking that you know, whatever they’re doing is, is weird or different or not enough, or this or that. Right? So let’s just start with a few stats about the average married couple and how much time they spend having sex.

Céline Remy 4:06
Well, and this is funny, you’re calling them stats, but really, it’s just like math and looking at what happens because the average married couple spends 0.625% of their time having snacks. I repeat 0.6 to 5% of that time having sex, maybe point eight if you’re really really lucky, one of those couples who’s listening to the Love Lab and has put things into place.

Céline Remy 4:28
Now, what the heck do we do with the rest of our time? Right? If it’s only let’s say, point eight What the heck. So let’s say you watch TV for an hour, that’s about 4% of your life, staring at a screen and that does not include your like social media phone usage and all that because nowadays, the numbers are so much higher. If you do two hours of TV a day that’s 8% of your life. Wow. 8% with two Two hours a day versus point 8% of sex.

Céline Remy 5:03
TV or sex, you know, I’m just saying, you know, everybody has their priorities. But if you exercise for 40 minutes three times a week on me, that’s about 1.1% of your life on fitness. Okay, cool. If you talk for 10 minutes a day about your relationship, you know, but an hour a week, that would accumulate to a battle one person a little less of 1% of your time communicating about your marriage, your relationship, that’s probably

Kevin Anthony 5:31
about an hour a week more than most people.

Céline Remy 5:36
Now, if you sleep eight hours a day, that’s 33% of your time. Well, if you had children, you know that you’re not sleeping that much. If you work 40 to 50 hours per week, that’s 22 to 28% of each month. So that’s a bit crazy, right? As you can see, we spend and dedicate so much time doing other things, not all of these things are important or matter, some are some do not.

Céline Remy 6:04
And yet, you know, sex is less than a person is like a point 8%. And yet, it’s such a huge part of a relationship. And at the same point, it’s such a small part of it when you break it down.

Kevin Anthony 6:17
Yeah. So there are a couple of interesting things that we get out of reading those stats, you know, one is that Technically, yes, you spend a relatively short amount of time actually having sex, and yet, it has huge importance in the health and satisfaction of your relationship.

Kevin Anthony 6:34
The other thing that it shows is that one of the things you’ll often hear people say, and we will talk way more about this as we go through the show, but one of the things that you hear people who have children say all the time is that they don’t have time, they don’t have time, they’re too busy with life to make time for it.

Kevin Anthony 6:50
And so when you see things that like, you know, watching one hour of TV days, 4% of your life, like, okay, so out of 4% of your life, and you realize the average married couple only spends point six, two 5% of their time having sex like you could carve 1% off that and have time for sex, like that’s kind of the point, right?

Kevin Anthony 6:50
You can always find time for sex if you make it a priority, and you really want to do it. So having said that, let’s talk about what we’re gonna start with immediately after childbirth because that’s a very different situation than when your kids are older. The viewer on YouTube who was specifically reaching out to us was, that was their issue is like, I think it was an eight-month-old or so.

Kevin Anthony 7:40
And they’re like, I have zero desire for sex. And my husband still wants sex. Right? So let’s talk about what happens when you have children.

Céline Remy 7:51
Well, number one, I want to say that it’s normal, that you may not want to have sex as a woman, you have been cooking this little baby for nine months, and then you have something attached to you all day long, and demanding your attention and demanding something from you being on your boobs puking on you. Just it’s never-ending. demanding job.

Kevin Anthony 8:20
Yeah, so and so first point, it is 100%. Normal. And I’m going to read some quotes from people so that you really get what we mean when we say normal. We don’t just mean it’s normal because most people go through it. We mean, it’s normal, because nature does this intentionally to you.

Kevin Anthony 8:37
But we’ll get to that in a minute. The first thing is, is it’s normal. The second thing is, is that there are real reasons for it. So there’s all of that stuff, you know, but there’s like scientific reasons why you do not want to have sex. So you’ve got breastfeeding, you’ve got physical recovery, you’ve got postpartum fatigue, these are all things that can contribute.

Kevin Anthony 9:01
And so, you know, they did one study that found that women reported lower levels of sexual satisfaction for up to a year and a half after giving birth. So so our viewer who is that eight months, trust me, you are still right in the zone of when where this is totally 100% Normal. In the first six months, postpartum women were about twice as likely to report having sexual dysfunction than they were prior to giving birth.

Kevin Anthony 9:30
So you know, you realize that there’s stuff happening here like your body just went through this major physical change, and then and then, on top of that, there’s also an evolutionary reason for it. It’s basically her body’s natural way of ensuring that she takes the time to properly heal and focus on caring for the baby instead of trying to have another one says Vanessa Marin, a psychotherapist and writer specializing in sex therapy.

Kevin Anthony 9:58
So you realize that You got all this stuff that’s happening with your body. And we haven’t even gotten to some of the other things, but, but you’ve got all this stuff happening. And then you’ve got nature also coming in and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no, no, you know, you gotta focus on the one you just popped out.

Céline Remy 10:17
So, when you look at veins, you know, people say, Oh, six weeks, and you should be fine. You know, that’s an average. For a lot of women. It’s way too short.

Kevin Anthony 10:28
But you know what they mean? When they say six weeks, this is what they mean. You’re tearing has healed, and the bleeding has stopped. Right? Like, basically, they’re just saying you’re physically healed enough that your vagina could work. That’s all they’re telling you when they say within six weeks resumed normal, whatever, they are completely ignoring all of the other stuff that’s going on?

Céline Remy 10:51
Yeah. So I think it’s unrealistic expectations to be like, Oh, that’s the six weeks everything should be working this way. You know, because you have to listen to your body, your body does how you give birth, you know, did you have a C section, by the way, having a C section does not make it easier on you to have sex later. So there’s a misconception, you know, some people are like, oh, I’ll just do that.

Céline Remy 11:14
So I don’t have any issues with my vagina, I want to stretch it, you know, there are these ideas. But anytime you have a surgery, there’s a potential for creating scar tissue, scar tissue can create pain, it can create a difference, and can make it difficult to just have the same sensations. So things will change. By the

Kevin Anthony 11:34
way, you should probably mention to the audience that you actually have experience working with a doula, right. So you were helping deliver babies, you were helping women postpartum like you have direct job experience doing this with women. So you’ve witnessed this stuff personally.

Céline Remy 11:52
Absolutely. And if you’ve ever witnessed a birth, you know how much work it is, and then the miracle of the body like stretching and, and getting this, this little being out, and you got to give it the time to get back into its new person normal, and you can’t expect your body to be the same.

Céline Remy 12:14
There’s there was so much that happened, that also expecting that you will have the same amount of desire or the same sensations, things can shift. I believe that one of the reasons it’s so difficult on some women is because they’re like, Well, this is how I used to be. And I’m really trying to fit into what I used to be even though it’s no longer what feels right for me at this time in my life.

Kevin Anthony 12:39
Yeah. And you know, that’s a tough thing for guys, too. Because see, we’re not going through all those changes, right? We’re basically still the same person that we were prior to birth. And so a lot of guys figure as she should be too, like, what the hell? Why is everything suddenly different? So, so for the men listening, you just have to understand what she just went through,

Céline Remy 12:58
you’re on two different hormonal wavelengths.

Kevin Anthony 13:01
We’re gonna talk about the hormones. We’re gonna talk about the hormones in a minute. But yes, yes, you are on two different hormone wavelengths. And she’s no longer the same pre-baby person. She’s just not, she’s never going to be right. And that’s the thing that a lot of guys don’t get, you know, like, you know, the guys that really, really want to have kids and like, yeah, I’ve always wanted to have kids like, they’re, they’re okay with the fact that that changes, usually, because they just, you know, having family and kids was all they ever wanted.

Kevin Anthony 13:28
But there’s a lot of guys who go into a sort of like, half-hearted like, yeah, right, she wants kids, okay, you know, and they are really not expecting the fact that she is radically going to change who she is and how she operates in the world. So that’s just something that you should be aware of. Let’s talk a little bit more specifically about the contributing factors to low sex drive for women after they give birth because we’ve talked about some of them a little bit, but I just want to give them in a really clear, concise concrete, Well, number one,

Céline Remy 13:59
you’re exhausted. So sleep deprivation is a form of torture. the reason you do not function properly. And I think the older you are, the harder it is to recoup. And when you’re in your 20s and you go through sleepless nights or a few months of very little sleeping, it’s much easier than when you’re in your 40s and a lot of people forget that and

Kevin Anthony 14:25
a lot of people are having too much later in life remember in your 20s you could go out partying, drinking, stay up all night long, get super drunk, wake up the next morning, go to work, and still function. Try that when your post 40 It just doesn’t work the same, right? So same thing with the kids you know, you just don’t have as much energy to do that sort of stuff. So number one is yeah, you’re freaking exhausted. You just are both of you are but especially her most likely.

Céline Remy 14:51
Absolutely. Number two, and we started talking about it earlier is that her hormones are just all over The place. So there are major, major hormonal shifts that happen in, especially the postpartum. There were certain hormones that needed to be in place in order to go through the pregnancy. Once the baby is out, then the hormones drop. That’s usually what people consider the postpartum blues are like that like phase is all hormonally driven.

Céline Remy 15:24
And then if she’s breastfeeding, this is also going to affect her hormones, and the estrogen production will decrease which can make it more her vagina to be drier. This is something that a lot of people talk about when they are being honest.

Céline Remy 15:45
That may be you know, there’s a little bit of fear first to the first time that they have intercourse again, after having given birth, and then they sometimes they’re like, why she was turned on, but her vagina wasn’t responding and, and they get really freaked out, but it’s just the body.

Céline Remy 16:02
So that’s what we say, use some lube. Do more foreplay, you know, we’ll come back into some of that. But if you understand that there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s simply your body has such a major task to do that. It’s responding the proper way.

Kevin Anthony 16:17
Yeah, I love how, you know, we’ve said it a couple of times already through the show, but the fact that there’s nothing wrong with you, and the fact that it’s normal, because one of the things that we hear from clients a lot is, I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I don’t understand why I just don’t want it anymore. Well, we’re explaining it, we’re telling you all the reasons why there’s nothing wrong with you.

Kevin Anthony 16:37
Okay, so hormones. The next one is physical setbacks. So your body is literally healing from labor and delivery. So you might have had perineal, tearing, you might be recovering from a C section, intercourse may be painful for a period of time, and there’s a whole lot going on there that could possibly be physically affecting you. And like, if you’re a guy, and you haven’t figured out yet that a woman’s desire for sex has a lot to do with how she’s feeling physically, well, then you’re a moron.

Kevin Anthony 17:10
But right, if she doesn’t feel good physically, if she’s too tired, if she literally has a headache, not the old fake, I have a headache, because I’m not attracted to you and you’re an acid, I don’t want to have sex with you, but like a real headache. You know, if she’s cramping, because she’s bleeding, like, whatever it is, if she’s not feeling physically good, she’s not really going to be in the mood for sex.

Céline Remy 17:32
And there’s also if she’s not liking her body anymore because good, breasts are different, maybe her belly is more saggy, like, she might not have lost all of the weight. And there’s all of that pressure. And it does, you know, if we don’t love ourselves and our body, it can show up there and it can get in the way for sure. So it’s not even just on that physical of what happened. But it’s also our perception of ourselves.

Kevin Anthony 17:59
Yeah, and you know, that that’s a, it’s a perfect time to put that in that because I would kind of put that into the next category, which is emotional setbacks, right. So the postpartum depression that everybody talks about, which could be lots of things, it could be, oh, I’m not attractive anymore, oh, I’m not this or oh, I don’t look good, or oh, he’s not gonna like this or any of the stuff that happens with that.

Kevin Anthony 18:19
And remember, our emotions are largely driven by our hormones, right? So don’t attach to the feeling itself and realize that these major hormonal shifts that are happening in your body are affecting your emotions as well. But that’s still, that still means the real, right. Like they’re real. They’re how you’re feeling in that moment, even though it may be hormonally driven, it’s still something that’s real for you at that moment.

Kevin Anthony 18:48
So as the person experiencing it, you have to acknowledge that this is something real that’s happening and that you need to address it. And for the person on the other side, you have to take a step back and go oh, okay, she’s there’s like really something happening here that I need to be compassionate about.

Céline Remy 19:05
And I love that you brought the word compassionate, that’s literally what was coming to my mind. You have to be so much more compassionate towards yourself, and your partner this whole through this whole experience like you are both stretched to your limits. And, you know, sometimes it’s hard to show up on your best behavior when you push and you like at your limits, but if you can, do your best no matter what it looks like you’re doing your best.

Céline Remy 19:30
That’s really all that matters. Wanted to mention something too about nature and how it works because, in nature, Mother animals rarely mate when they are busy, like tending to, they’re young. And we sometimes forget that in this culture of like Superwoman is like, you know, when we bleeding we shove a tampon and like we don’t want to see any blood nothing’s happening.

Céline Remy 19:55
We’ve like pretend that we Superwoman we can do everything the same. Then we’re pregnant which to juice be able to be a fitness Queen up until the day before labor, and then we give birth and then six weeks and we right back into who we were like these are like silly ideas. This is not how our bodies always operate.

Kevin Anthony 20:13
There are exceptions to everything. Everyone right now is going, Oh, well, I know somebody who did that. Yeah, but they’re, but they’re the exception to the rule, right. So before you push back and say, Well, of course, I can have it all and do it all. But some people can, but there are very, very few. So what you’re talking about is the very last thing on our list, which is basically you’re nervous about getting pregnant again, right?

Kevin Anthony 20:35
So you’re talking about the evolutionary thing that happens where, you know, basically, we have evolved to the point of our bodies, knowing that it’s not a good idea to get pregnant again, that quickly. So, therefore, there’s this, there’s this thing sort of inside of you, as a woman that’s telling you, I really shouldn’t do this sex thing, because this is not a good time to get pregnant again.

Kevin Anthony 21:04
So you know, if there was, say, a lack of knowledge, or a lack of birth control, maybe that would be a good idea to follow that. But in this case, realize that some of what you’re feeling there is just nature’s way of making sure you don’t get pregnant again.

Kevin Anthony 21:20
But you don’t really need to do that, there are plenty of things that you can do to make sure that you don’t get pregnant again, just make sure that you do them. That’s not the focus of this particular episode. But you know, just know that you know, you can avoid getting pregnant again, if you really want to.

Céline Remy 21:39
So we’re gonna get into the tips on having more sex after childbirth. And before that, if you like what you’re hearing, if you want to support our show, Kevin and I have put together handpicked affiliates and products and things that we believe in that I think work to help support your health, sex, life, and relationships.

Céline Remy 22:00
So if you purchase any of the products from us, and our affiliates, it helps to support the work that we do and ensures that we continue to help as many people and couples as possible. So to check out all of our recommended products, go to kevinanthonycoaching.com/products, or follow the link in the description below.

Kevin Anthony 22:18
Yeah, we’ve got some really great stuff in there. We’ve got everything from biohacking devices to you know, quality supplements, not the cheap crap that a lot of people sell, but like quality stuff that will help get your physical body in shape, help balance your hormones help make your hornier we’ve got sex toys, we’ve got all kinds of stuff in their courses. I mean, yeah, there’s, there’s a lot there to really help your sex life and your physical body in general. So check that out.

Céline Remy 22:47
So let’s talk about that. What to do? How do you have sex like, Well, number one, there’s going to be a time and a point where you have to get it over with. And it’s, it’s always going to be a little bit scary, where you’re like, you haven’t done something for a while.

Céline Remy 23:04
And, you know, sometimes you, you think about it in your head, and you can make things worse than they are, you know, like, you know, there’s going to be a time where you’re going to have to take the plunge. But it shouldn’t be any expectations about what it should be like look like. And,

Kevin Anthony 23:20
and start simple. Except for right, you don’t have to dive right back into whatever crazy shit you’re up to before you got pregnant.

Céline Remy 23:28
But there is a point that is essential. And that’s for all of our male listeners right now. It’s essential that you manage your own frustration, because you’re not going through these body changes, and you’re most likely going to want sex sooner than she does. And you cannot show up and pressure her even if she’s especially if she’s not ready.

Céline Remy 23:50
Because you might be like, Hey, honey, it’s been six weeks the doctor said okay, but if she’s like, my not, my body doesn’t feel healed, I’m not ready, or I need something different. Like you need to be able to manage your own frustration and cannot put that on her. She already has so much to deal with,

Kevin Anthony 24:07
you know, word of caution too, because what a lot of guys do in that situation is they literally turn to porn. And you know, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with porn, but what you don’t want to happen is all right now there’s like, you know, six months, eight months a year of her not really wanting it yet, so you’re masturbating to porn regularly.

Kevin Anthony 24:26
And then when she’s finally ready, again, you’re looking over at her and you’re not really all that attracted because you’re used to this overly stimulating porn stuff. Just be careful with that. Like, if that’s your outlet. Just be careful with how you use it.

Céline Remy 24:40
Well, let’s start with the basics you know, you start with intimate touching and foreplay. It doesn’t always need to go to penetration. And, you know, having a lack of intimacy is not just about the lack of sex. It’s more than that. So you got to find a moment to connect with your partner. emotionally, and sexually. But it doesn’t always have to be a certain way.

Kevin Anthony 25:05
Think about if you hadn’t worked out in a really long time, would you just go into the gym and immediately start throwing huge heavyweights around? No, you’d start easy. You’d start with some light weights, you know, only a few exercises and you’d gradually build upright.

Kevin Anthony 25:17
So, think of it the same way here. It’s like if it’s been six months since you’ve had sex because of you know, having a baby, start small, start just a little bit, start with connecting, start with touching, start reestablishing that intimacy, all of those things will build up to many guises. Alright, finally, we can have sex again, rip off your clothes, let’s go, you know,

Céline Remy 25:38
I have some new bone handy, you know, just in case, just have the lube ready, so that it makes things much easier. Rather than trying to insert yourself halfway and seeing her face like it’s hurting and then having to pull out to take care of yourself. You know, pleasure yourself. It might be a time where maybe she’s not able to do things with you and for you, but you still got your hands, you still got your own body.

Kevin Anthony 26:07
Yeah, well, not only that. So there’s, there’s, there’s Yeah, as a guy you can pleasure yourself. But this is also specifically aimed at the women. Because women can feel really out of touch with their bodies and not feel very sexual, not knowing how their bodies are going to react if they have sex.

Kevin Anthony 26:24
So self-pleasure for the woman can be a way for her to start to reconnect sexually with her own body so that when she comes into connection with her partner, she’ll already have stimulated that she’ll already feel like oh, yeah, I’ve done this before I’ve touched myself, I’ve used the dildo or the vibrator and it was okay, it didn’t hurt. I know which way I like to be touched. I know how I want it. I know the depth, the pressure, all that kind of stuff. But

Céline Remy 26:51
this could be literally the first time you both masturbate next to each other. And, and that forces you to communicate, you know, this is what you’ll need is that communication piece, which is our next point, yes, is communication with your partner, it is key and things will feel the difference, you will feel different, you’ll be indifferent mood, and you gotta be able to talk openly.

Céline Remy 27:17
It’s okay if things don’t work the same, you know, it might be okay that, okay, the breasts are taboo right now, because that’s what’s going on. Oh, maybe she’s like her breasts are engorged, She’s licking and she needs to take a little break to do some breast pumping to save her milk for later. Yes, there are things that are not the same as sexy as it was before. But it is part of life.

Kevin Anthony 27:40
That’s another important point that we should make for the men. I’m not a woman, I don’t have breasts. So I can’t speak from experience about this. But every woman that we have talked to or worked with says the exact same thing. So it must be true because they all say it. Basically what they say is this, after they give birth, and you know, their breasts swell up tremendously.

Kevin Anthony 28:04
They’re breastfeeding constantly, they feel like the breasts don’t belong to them anymore, that somebody always wants something from them, and they’re constantly being used. And the last thing that they want is for one more person being you do use them. So maybe don’t focus on that let those have arrest and focus on other areas of the body.

Céline Remy 28:27
And then, last but not least, also make time for sex. You know, I’m sure you both want to try it or have sex. Some people really only want to have spontaneous sex. And that’s the only thing that works for them. What we found is that those who only want spontaneous sex, have to become okay with quickies.

Céline Remy 28:47
Which in the long run is not always the best way to train your body. But that’s what works. For some people. There’s no one formula, right? So for somebody like me, I’d rather just do spontaneous quicky are easy, I can give this to him or to her like it’s easy.

Kevin Anthony 29:02
Spontaneous is great, by the way, but the people that generally rely on spontaneous tend to have less sex

Céline Remy 29:07
they do so by making time for it. And then some people talk also about how they’ve never enjoyed date nights until they had children as much as after having children because then that’s the one moment where they get to really connect with their partner without distraction.

Kevin Anthony 29:23
You know, if you have ice cream every night after dinner, you enjoy it so so but if you haven’t had ice cream after dinner in six months, you’re like this is the best ice cream I’ve ever had.

Céline Remy 29:32
And then you have to make priorities too and this is the hardest thing for us women because we always have this to-do list you know between good to wash the bottles, do the laundry, clean the house and vacuum this and repaint the house like crazy things. But are these things really necessary?

Céline Remy 29:52
You know what needs to happen right now and what could be happening and it’s okay if it happens in a half-hour or tomorrow. or is there something that your partner could be doing later? Like, could you enlist their help?

Céline Remy 30:06
Or could you hire somebody to help you to do certain other things or, or have the grandparents, like so many different options, but you have to understand that your to-do list is never going to go somewhere, you’re never going to get to a place where it’s done.

Céline Remy 30:18
Because we magically keep adding things to our to-do list. I don’t know how that happens, you have to learn to be okay with the fact that things will be left undone. So you can get that. Yes, yes.

Kevin Anthony 30:33
Okay. So I think we covered fairly well, you know, what to do about having more sex, wanting sex getting in the mood, how to make all that happen after childbirth. Okay, so that’s a certain segment of the population. But realistically, that’s an issue for the first year, maybe a year and a half after you have kids.

Kevin Anthony 30:53
What about all the years after that, I would say that the majority of our couple clients do have children. And by the time they’re coming to see us, their children are usually they’re past that baby infant stage, most of the time, not always. But I would say the majority of the time, so we work with a lot of people who have children, and the ages could be anywhere from, you know, four-ish, all the way up to 18 is still living at home, right?

Kevin Anthony 31:22
This is pretty normal. And we hear a lot of the same things from these people all the time. Like, you know, Celine, you’re working with a client right now, who says that you know, she’s remarried, and the kids are with her one week and not the other week. And they’ve gotten into this sort of habit where they only have sex during the week, the kids aren’t in the house.

Kevin Anthony 31:44
Right. So these are the types of things that we’re going to talk about. And we’re going to, we’re going to tell you how to do things better than that because you can do things better than that. So the big thing is, a lot of people say that it’s really hard to have sex when the kids are around. Now, you know, depending on the age of the kids, there are different concerns or different concerns when they’re younger than when they’re older.

Kevin Anthony 32:09
But there’s always a way that you can make time for it, and you can make it a habit. So we’ve got a list here of five different things that you can do to have more sex, even though you have kids around. So we just talked about this one, but we’re going to talk about it again, which is to make time.

Kevin Anthony 32:30
This is really important. If you have kids, you know how all time-consuming and energy-sucking, they are right, they will literally just take every bit of your time and energy. So the problem that we see with a lot of couples is they say, well, by the time we’re done, you know doing all that stuff, we’re exhausted, were too tired. So the solution to that is you have to, you have to make time, you have to literally put it on a schedule and say this is the time that we’re going to do it. And so

Céline Remy 33:00
there are creative solutions. We know couples who had an RV, and they turned this into their love shag. And so they made sure they had a babysitter in the house. And they have three kids, by the way. So it’s not just one it’s triple the energy there. And they would go in that trailer because it’s in the RV. And it’s easy. And they don’t have to get a hotel room. And that works. So that was super.

Kevin Anthony 33:26
And if you have to get a hotel room, get a hotel room we have

Céline Remy 33:29
ever who got a hotel room, ever couples that we’ve worked with. They had two kids three and five, and they were boys. And the month often felt like she didn’t have time for herself, though, which led her to not have the energy to have sex. So when I worked with them, I was explaining how this all was working for, you know, against her.

Céline Remy 33:53
And so the husband decided that when he got home, and he decided to do that every day, he would give her I forget if it was a half-hour or one hour, that was her me time. Imagine she’s got boys and a husband, she’s surrounded by this energy of guys. She needed some time to reconnect with her feminine energy. So it was like she could do anything but not any task.

Céline Remy 34:16
So it could be like a bubble bath. It could be reading a book or going on a walk or going to the gym. She had that one hour for herself, and it was his gift to her. And it allowed her to refill her cup then she was more present like her husband with her children. And that was another solution that worked for them. So again, it’s communicating and looking at your unique needs and situation to situation to figure out what works.

Kevin Anthony 34:45
Okay, there are a couple of things that I really want to talk about here because I’ve personally experienced these myself and I just see too many people making these mistakes. So if your kids are old enough that you can leave them alone, meaning they don’t have to be supervised and seen 24/7.

Kevin Anthony 35:01
So they’re old enough, now they can be in the room by themselves do their own thing. If your kids are in that age range, then you need to set some boundaries. And you need to say, Mommy and Daddy are going to have some alone time, we’re going to be up in the room, the door will be locked, and you’re not allowed to bother us. Unless there is a real emergency, somebody gets hurt, the house is on fire, you know, real emergency, and it’s okay to lock the door.

Kevin Anthony 35:32
I had a partner at one time. And I can’t remember how old her son was, at the point when this was going on. But I’m gonna say like, five-ish, six-ish, you know, so old enough where he could be playing by himself, you know, in the room next door or something like that. But she absolutely refused to ever lock the door. And this is a big problem because he would just barge right in.

Kevin Anthony 35:56
You just walk right in and he needs something, he wants something, whatever, and you just walk right in the room. And I’m like, Look, you need to learn how to set boundaries. It’s okay to lock the door, he’s gonna come to knock on it anyway. And then you can ask what’s what do you need? What’s going on? That’s not important, right? Now go back to your room, right, but at least they don’t walk in on you.

Kevin Anthony 36:14
Because the reality is, when they’re that young, they don’t need to know anything about sex. I know there’s a big controversy going on right now in the media about when it’s appropriate to start teaching kids about sex. My personal opinion is when they’re that young, they do not need to know about any of this stuff. It’s not like you’re intentionally going to hide everything from them. Like if it comes up, that’s okay, you can have a parental discussion about it. But otherwise, they don’t need to know. So use the damn lock on the door.

Céline Remy 36:44
And it’s okay to show affection. By the way. You know, a lot of people are like, well, but then they can’t see that part. Remember everything you do in your teaching your children. And so yes, you don’t have to put it in their face. But showing love and prioritizing your partner by demonstrating physical affection are all ways of teaching them what’s important, by example. So you need to prioritize that. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 37:13
so that was point number four, which I just want to reiterate what you said, give it a little bit of emphasis. But too many parents are afraid of being affectionate in front of their children or having their children even know that they have, God forbid, the children know you had sex? How do you think you got here, kid, that’s how you got here, right?

Kevin Anthony 37:34
So the point simply being that, that, no, you don’t want to be in their face with it, you’re not going to be like, you know, having sex with the door open where they could see it or anything like that, you’re not going to be talking graphically about it. But it’s perfectly okay. You know, after a certain age for them to know that you still have sex, it’s okay to touch each other, it’s okay to kiss in front of them, what you’re actually doing is role modeling a healthy relationship.

Kevin Anthony 38:01
Because you as the parents are the primary role models, I don’t care what anybody else says, I don’t care what the media tells you, or what the schools tell you, as the parent is the primary role model for these kids. And if there’s no affection, or touching or kissing, or signs of love, how are they going to learn that that’s what a normal healthy relationship is, they’re not, they’re gonna get different messages from other places.

Kevin Anthony 38:28
Maybe they’re gonna get it from, you know, porn or something like that, which doesn’t show the right you know, stuff most of the time. So, so you really have to focus on being a good role model, you know, if they’re older, and you know, they understand what sex is, at this point. You can say no, right? Mommy and Daddy are gonna be you know, here where we will be having sex you’re not allowed to come in like that, that’s perfectly okay for them to know that that’s happening. They just

Céline Remy 38:55
Well, that’s what was happening with my clients. Her sons are much older now like teenagers. And what she was realizing is number one, that she was using them as an excuse to like not to experience the freedom of just being in her sexual energy. And that once she accessed that part within herself and gave herself permission to feel it, she no longer needed the outside excuses for what she was doing to herself.

Céline Remy 39:25
And so then she realized that she could be sexual when the kids were around, and she says, I don’t need to tell them anything. Number one, they are old enough. They already like doing stuff like on their own computer tablets or listening to their music. They have the door closed and they play music.

Céline Remy 39:44
And she’s like, they know that we go do a nap they call it they take a nap. Yeah. No. Like it just is what it is or like you go do like the quality time like whatever name you want to give it you know, but what she realized is it is one hour To press impossible to do it,

Kevin Anthony 40:02
cowboy hats on the door, cowboy hats on the door.

Céline Remy 40:06
Whatever works for you.

Kevin Anthony 40:07
So let’s not skip past number three.

Céline Remy 40:10
Yes. So I was going to talk about how if your kids are not yet able to take care of themselves, then it’s important to enroll other people, whether it’s grandma and grandpa, whether it’s auntie, uncle, whether it’s a babysitter, but make sure that there’s somebody who can spend quality time with them, especially it’s better if it’s the grandma and grandpa, because they create a range

Kevin Anthony 40:34
and play dates with other parents, right? Like today, you’ve got the kids for two hours, right? You know, like, do stuff like that. The idea is you have to create the space, you have to create the space. And if you can’t, if the kids are too young to be left alone on their own, and that where they need constant supervision, think to get somebody else to supervise, and trust me.

Kevin Anthony 40:54
So you know, swings brother just had a baby less than a year ago. And they just did a visit to grandma and grandpa, where they left the child with grandma and grandpa, and they went out on their own for an entire day. And we don’t know what they did. But I’m pretty sure that there is some sex going on there. But grandma, grandpa loved it.

Kevin Anthony 41:15
They had the greatest time ever, they were getting loads of pictures and everything, they loved it, they will enjoy it. Find people that want to do that. So that it’s a win-win for everybody.

Céline Remy 41:27
Yeah. And, you know, would it be nice to have an entire day with your partner? Yes. But it might not be feasible, maybe you’ll only get two hours, it’s still enough. It’s about the quality of the interaction if you can get two hours of undivided attention with your partner because you hired a babysitter. And that’s all you can do. For now. Just be present with each other.

Céline Remy 41:53
Don’t, don’t talk about all the stuff that needs to be taken care of in the household. Focus on what you love and appreciate about each other. Remember what you like about each other practice touching each other finding what feels good about each other and rediscovering each other and just give each other your full attention just for these two hours.

Kevin Anthony 42:15
You want to talk about the very last thing I know you wanted to address that for sure.

Céline Remy 42:19
What about the noise? What about the noise? Right? You know, yes, you will need to keep the noise to a reasonable level. But it’s okay. If they hear something. It’s okay. Right? This is again about being a good role model. Now, you know, you might be using a pillow, you might hold yourself back a little bit, you might use some music. And for sure when nobody’s around, you might be freer.

Céline Remy 42:46
Yes. But please don’t stop being who you are. And stop showing love because you’re afraid that it’s going to offend other people. If people go and turn on the TV, they’re gonna see killing, murdering violence all the time, and people are okay with that. But one moment of a love sound or a kiss. Oh, god forbid you, they shouldn’t see that.

Céline Remy 43:12
It’s terrible. And we need to change that we need to show more of that healthy connecting. Again, it’s not about creating a porn sound in your house. But just if there’s laughter There’s a giggle if there’s a little moan,

Kevin Anthony 43:29
it’s okay. Yeah, exactly. So you may not want to scream at the top of your lungs, fuck me harder in the ass. You know? Like, they don’t need to hear that. But if they hear little moaning or a little something here or there, that’s okay. And yeah, put some music on, you know, block that hole underneath the door so that the sound doesn’t travel, close the windows, whatever. But you know, don’t worry too much about the little noises.

Céline Remy 43:55
Absolutely. And physical intimacy builds emotional intimacy. And that’s what’s needed for couples to thrive over the years.

Kevin Anthony 44:05
Yeah, you know, here’s the thing, like, there’s nothing wrong with having children. It’s a great thing for many people. But it’s also one of the most challenging things that any couple does. And it is one of the big things that really put a wedge in between the two people in the couple. And it really strains the relationship. And so because of that, because it’s so hard, you really have to focus on building the intimacy, the emotional intimacy, and the physical intimacy.

Kevin Anthony 44:37
And as Céline just said, physical intimacy does build emotional intimacy. So no, I don’t see it as like, like some people will look at and go Well, it would be nice to have sex, you know, even though we’re busy and we got the kids and all that like, sure that would be cool. It’s kind of like, you know, the cherry on the top of the cake, but in my opinion, I see it differently.

Kevin Anthony 44:57
I think it’s essential to the health of your relationship, if both parties in the relationship are going to be happy, are going to feel satisfied and attracted and loved by their partner, you have to have at least some level of physical intimacy. And, you know, we’re not the only ones that say that fact, we just had Michelle.

Kevin Anthony 45:21
Michelle Drouin the show and her book out of touch talk about this very specifically, that the most successful relationships are the ones that have physical intimacy because it’s an important human need. So I know, ladies, I know that your child is going to become your number one priority.

Kevin Anthony 45:42
But don’t forget about your relationship, you have to nurture it, you have to give it some time and attention. And let’s say it has to be 5050 equal, you know, that would be great, but it doesn’t matter. You know, whatever you do, just don’t neglect it. Because any relationship that’s neglected is going to wither and die.

Céline Remy 46:02
So some of the takeaways from today are really about understanding that it is a natural process going through pregnancy and childbirth will affect a woman’s hormones body, and you need to have a more compassionate understanding of what she’s going through. Stop pressuring her to understand too, that she’s probably never going to be the woman she was before.

Céline Remy 46:26
And it’s actually a good thing because she’s no mother there things have changed. So rediscover her we find new things that you love about her explore new ways, she’s probably not going to like the same moves, you might need to find new stuff Hey, great, improve your sexual skills, do something different, you sexy adventures, I understand that.

Céline Remy 46:53
She needs time, both in the action of it, and sometime in that healing phase. So maybe you know slowing things down while you do have sex checking in making sure you have the tools ready, like the loo bend, and things to make her

Kevin Anthony 47:10
better expectations of what sex really is or should be or is going to be.

Céline Remy 47:15
And then keep feeding that part of your relationship. And yes, you will go through dry spells, you will go through times where you have amazing sex and then no sex. But as long as you keep the coming back together, this is really what matters. And you adjust as you go through the different phases of life. Keep the communication line open, be creative, and fuck.

Kevin Anthony 47:44
The more you come together, the happier you will be. Alright, everybody, we hope that was helpful. This is a topic we hear about from a lot of people. So you know, if you have any experiences or things that worked for you, then go ahead and share them with us.

Kevin Anthony 48:00
Send us an email if you’re watching this on YouTube, drop it in the comments, and tell other people how did you deal with this situation? All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 48:25
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 48:39
Thanks for listening. And remember

Céline Remy 48:41
You are amazing.