How To Increase Your Sexual Confidence

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or a woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony, and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 107. And it’s titled How to Increase your sexual confidence. So, you know, this is an interesting topic. And this actually comes to us from clients. And it’s something that not only do we see on a somewhat regular basis, but it’s something somebody just asked us about very recently and really, I don’t think a lot of people realize just how many people are lacking confidence when it comes to sex, love relationship, any of that stuff.

Kevin Anthony 1:00
But specifically sex. A lot of people, they may project that they are confident they may act like they’re confident, but actually inside, they are scared shitless about what’s going to happen by the time they get in the bedroom with this person. And so I think it’s really great to go over this stuff, we have a ton of things.

Kevin Anthony 1:21
We’re going to talk about some general stuff, then we’re gonna talk about some things specific to women and some things specific to men. And hopefully, by the end of this show, you will be so confident that you can have sex with anybody.

Céline Remy 1:38
Well, that sounds like a really juicy episode, and I can’t wait to dive into it. But before we do that, let’s give a big shout out to our sponsor power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed and also confident, then check out power in mastery. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have hard directions last Longer or increase your sexual skills and confidence. So you can find more about Baron mastery at power and mastery.com.

Kevin Anthony 2:09
There was that word again. Confidence.

Céline Remy 2:12
Yes. After it in there a couple of times because I thought it was gonna be fun.

Kevin Anthony 2:18
So, so silly. Maybe you could tell our listeners What do we mean, when we’re talking about sexual confidence? What does that mean?

Céline Remy 2:27
Yeah, it’s pretty funny because we were putting some notes down and then I looked at you and I was like, so why does sexual confidence Anyway, you know, and you were like, that’s a good question. I was like, Okay, let’s just like do a whole improv on this like on this fly, like, what do we both think about sexual confidence?

Céline Remy 2:44
One of the first things that I want to talk about when it comes to lacking sexual confidence is that for most people, the reason they like sexual confidence is that they measure themselves to standards to see things that just don’t fit them. So they think That they’re not appropriate or they don’t fit the bill, really. So when I was thinking about sexual confidence to me, what it means is being comfortable in your body.

Céline Remy 3:14
And it’s also about being comfortable with pleasure, asking for what you want going after what you want, and making a life that has sensuality and sexuality that is being celebrated. That would be my nondictionary definition of what sexual confidence would be for me. Uh-huh.

Kevin Anthony 3:37
Okay, that’s good. I like it.

Céline Remy 3:38
So what about you, Kevin? What is sexual confidence for you?

Kevin Anthony 3:42
Yeah, so I was thinking about this. And, you know, from a male perspective for me, what I think really what I would think of when I think of sexual confidence is this. I know that a lot of men and I know that even when I was younger, that there would be, this like nervousness or this, like, Oh, I hope this goes well or I hope I’m able to last long enough or I hope, you know, she’ll think it’s good.

Kevin Anthony 4:11
A lot of that sort of insecurity around sexual performance and, you know, being with different women, like, you know, you would get used to like your girlfriend after a while, but then Okay, so maybe you’re not in that relationship. There’s a new one that starts all over again, right? So what I think of when I think of sexual confidence is being able to get rid of all of that, and walk into any new encounter or relationship knowing that you’ve got this like.

Kevin Anthony 4:45
I know that I’m confident in my body’s ability to last long enough to take her on the journey that she wants to go on and needs to go on. That I have enough skill That, even if for some reason, she doesn’t think that it’s spectacular, that is not necessarily my fault or something I did wrong. Right. So all of those things together.

Kevin Anthony 5:14
So whether it’s you know, somebody you’ve been with for a long time, or whether it’s somebody that you’re going to have sex with for the first time, being able to enter into that encounter, knowing that you can do it, that it’s most likely going to be great, although, you know, it takes two to tango, as they say, you know, that you can hold up your end that you’ve got this that you can do it.

Céline Remy 5:37
Mm-hmm. Okay, good. Good definition. So our invitation to you, our dear listener, is to take a minute to ponder What does sexual confidence means for you, and there’s no right or wrong when it comes to your definition. If you make the definition about you and fit for you, then it’s gonna become much easier to embody that rather than trying to take on our definition and then feeling like you’re falling short of it. Okay?

Kevin Anthony 6:10
And your definition might change over time. Right? So for some people their idea right now of boy, I wish I could just have the confidence to be seen naked with the lights on, not under the covers.

Céline Remy 6:22
Yes. I mean, if I go back, like 20 years, I mean, I just want you to feel confident enough to know how to handle a penis. Like how or how to give a blowjob. Oh my gosh, did I fear those like I had no idea what I was doing and so like building that confidence, that skill that whatever skills I was getting and having we’re going to be good enough. And so things have changed. It’s really good that you bringing this up and then I think my next sexual confidence is definitely around anal.

Kevin Anthony 6:56
Well, you know if you tackle that as well as you tackle the blow job Then you’ll be fine.

Céline Remy 7:03
That would be my new stretch. It’s fantastic that we’re bringing this up. So my new area where I want to step into my sexual confidence is to feel really confident asking for anal whenever I feel like it and also receiving it. So I’m pretty good at asking for it, but I’m not always good at allowing myself to go for it. And so that would be my next step. How about you, Kevin, do have a new sexual confidence frontier that you want to declare out loud in the air and be held accountable?

Kevin Anthony 7:32
Oh, good question. Ah, something new. You know, honestly, not that I can think of right now. I will say this that, you know, back when we were doing more of the like, sort of sex party type stuff. I felt really confident in being able to perform in those environments, you know because it was pretty normal.

Kevin Anthony 8:00
But since it’s been quite some time since we’ve done that, like, the confidence is like, when there are 20 people around me, and there’s all this activity going on, and people watching and all that, like, I guess maybe, just since I haven’t been doing it, that I maybe don’t feel as confident in that area as I used to.

Céline Remy 8:19
All right, well, there you have it, or the listener, check in with us and ask us how it’s going a few months down the road.

Kevin Anthony 8:26
But you know, the saying that actually, is, it’s really good to bring that up. Because, you know, in the past, you know, like, we were pretty much the center of attention, everybody like cheering us on and bringing us water because it’s been going so long and all of that and that was an issue. But it’s, I say that because things will change. Right things will change as you go through different periods of your life.

Kevin Anthony 8:52
And you know, you’re in different situations, then things will change. So keep that in mind that nobody is ever 100% Rock Solid all the time.

Céline Remy 9:02
Absolutely. Well, and I mean, it’s always what I’d say is that you’re never going to reach somewhere and you’re like this is enlightenment. And that’s it. I’m done doing the work, you know, there’s always going to be fine-tuning and your body is an instrument. And sometimes you need to do a little bit more tuning or change the chords, the strings are like, you know, do something to the instrument to make it sound better. Remember that.

Céline Remy 9:24
So I want to talk a little bit about some basic principles when it comes to sexual confidence that could apply to both men and women and before we dive into them separately, so the number one thing that I think we need to mention is that sexual confidence comes from within. It is not something that you get from the outside Kevin was talking about earlier that some people will fake it you know, and it’s, it’s always a start to fake it until you make it but ultimately, you haven’t reached it or you haven’t thought real sexual confidence until you really feel it and it comes from within.

Céline Remy 10:00
Okay, but that could be one step to try to fake it. At least I did at the beginning because I had no idea what I was doing, but I pretended I did. And then I became better at it.

Kevin Anthony 10:09
Yeah. And I would say that, okay, so fake it till you make this thing. You’ve all heard it a million times, right? Uh-huh. And the key to faking it until you make it is to truly believe it while you’re faking it. Because if you’re literally just faking it, and you’re putting on a show, and you know, it’s all just a show, it’s not really gonna work, right? The idea is to really believe it to really put yourself in the feeling of what it’s like to be that person that you want to be.

Céline Remy 10:38
So that kind of brings us to our first tip here, which is about changing your inner dialogue. A lot of people will go on and talk about themselves of like, I’m not good in bed or I’m very insecure. I can’t satisfy a woman or I don’t know if I’m even a good lover and they constantly play this tape in their head about how They’re just not good enough, right?

Céline Remy 11:02
So if you start to change your inner dialogue, and it’s not about lying, it’s about looking at things that you can confidently say that you are good at. And maybe it’s just you’re really good at creating a beautiful bedroom and making the bed. I mean, it doesn’t have to be like sexual per se, but it could be related to sexuality.

Céline Remy 11:23
Maybe you’re very good at dressing sexy, you know, or maybe you’re very good at holding space, like whatever those things are, and find those things and start changing your inner dialogue. If you are not finding something, then make it where you start saying things like every day, I become more and more confident. Every day I speak up more and more for what I truly want in the bedroom.

Kevin Anthony 11:49
Every day I go for what I want, I ask for what I need. You know, most people have something in their lives that they feel confident about, right? Maybe it’s their job. Right, they’re like, well, maybe I don’t feel that confident in the bedroom, but like in the office, like, on the shit like, I got this, I’m the one that gets it done or maybe it’s a hobby they do your you know, maybe it’s because they’re, I don’t know they play music or they do some sort of sport or they have some sort of hobby maybe

Céline Remy 12:18
Maybe they are great bakers.

Kevin Anthony 12:19
maybe they’re great bakers or something, whatever it is, most people find can find something that they’re good at and that they feel confident in. So the idea is, think about that thing. Think about how you feel when you get in that mode, like, oh, when I step into the kitchen, like it’s my show, ah, take that feeling and then try to recreate it in the bedroom.

Céline Remy 12:42
So that’s leading again to the next step, which is about boosting your self-esteem. So as Kevin said, Remember the things that you’re good at, like what are you proud of yourself? What are you like, what makes you feel good about yourself and focus on these things, do the things that boost your self-esteem and it doesn’t have to be like this mind-blowing thing.

Céline Remy 13:02
If you’re just really good at doing one simple thing, do it and do it often. and congratulate yourself for doing it so well so often.

Kevin Anthony 13:10
Yeah. And remember too that, you know, everything is a learned skill. Right? You know people watch, they watch way too many movies buy too much TV read too many like silly novel diet books and stuff, where they’re constantly perpetuating this idea that there are all these people in the world that were just born super talented. They were just born and they were amazing at whatever it is that they do. Honestly, like, yeah, that happens.

Kevin Anthony 13:39
Occasionally. It is extremely rare. Everything else is learned behavior. How much time and energy did you spend focusing on being good in bed? myself. I was trying to figure out how to be good in bed before I ever even had sex. I was like, I knew I wanted sex and I knew I wanted to be good at it. And every girlfriend I ever had, I would, I would try to be as good as I could and then afterward I go, Okay, well, you know, maybe that worked out, well, maybe it didn’t work out. Well, what can I do differently?

Céline Remy 14:14
Mm-hmm. Very good. Very good. And so focusing on also practicing, because you can’t expect to become good without ever doing it. Right. So you can just think I’m gonna save myself for marriage, and I’ll be the stud. If you’ve never done it. Sorry, we might do a whole episode on that, at some point bursting your bubble here. It’s not really part of the show. But if you don’t practice, you can get good at it.

Kevin Anthony 14:39
Yeah, you know, there’s nothing wrong if you want to save yourself for marriage, but just please don’t have the expectation that it’s going to be spectacular from the start. It’s not most people don’t start really having truly good sex until they’ve been doing it for about a decade. Absolutely. That’s what I was gonna

Céline Remy 14:57
say. Yeah, but 10 years Alright, so let’s move to our tip number three here, which is about creating a positive self-image. And it kind of is all tying it into what we’ve been talking about, but really making an effort and whatever can help you, you know, whether it’s an outside appearance, whether it’s inner confidence in a skilled trade, whatever that is just focusing on that positive and creating that positive image in your head.

Céline Remy 15:25
Now, we’re going to move to number four here, which is about learning about your body’s sexual needs. Ooh, yes, that’s really important. So and let’s move to number five, which is to explore, aka masturbation.

Kevin Anthony 15:43
Yeah, and the reason why we go so quickly from four to five is that five is a way to learn about for exactly. And the idea here is that if you know what you need, or what you want, or what works best for you, then it’s going to be so much easier. For you to go into an encounter with somebody and say, All right, here’s what I want. Yes, here’s what’s gonna work for me. And then you’ll have more positive results which will then reinforce the fact that oh, this is good. This is working all I’m good at this.

Céline Remy 16:13
And remember what we started with how confidence comes from within. Nobody can give those things to you. This is why this self-exploration is so essential to know how you like to be touched to know which body parts are most erogenous maybe to even dedicate a whole afternoon with your lover to just discovering your body and like help me because they are places you get touched by yourself, you know unless you’re a contortionist.

Céline Remy 16:37
But you can do these things with just like putting on your explorer hat and, and really like getting to know your body, your hotspot what you like what you don’t like, and that’s really important because once you are in touch with the things you like and don’t like, then you can go for the things that you like and ask for them. Without that in place. You’ll never be able to ask for what you want and show up with confidence.

Kevin Anthony 17:00
For sure, and then you know, masturbation can also be used as a practice to train your body to be better. So part of it is exploring and learning what you like, what you don’t like, what you want, what you don’t want. And the other part is literally physically training your body to perform well. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 17:15
And the last tip here is, I think an essential one, it’s about being yourself. And most people try to put on a show or act differently. Or again, it’s about measuring to impossible standards. But if you just drop these and be yourself, and know that you are just amazing the way you are, and that’s sure you’re not going to be everyone’s flavors. But trust me, there are plenty of people who will like who you are and what you have to offer. So don’t compromise.

Kevin Anthony 17:41
Yeah, absolutely. You know, too many people hold back. They’re like, Oh, that’s weird, or people won’t like that or whatever. Just be yourself.

Céline Remy 17:48
Just be yourself. Just find somebody who likes what you like, you know, and if somebody the person you’re with doesn’t mean you’re weird or something’s wrong with you. It’s just not with the right person.

Kevin Anthony 17:56
Well, that’s the thing too is so many people think that whatever we thing they got. They’re like the only one who’s got that. That is nonsense. We’re like, over seven and a half billion people on this planet by now. And there is always somebody out there who likes that same weird kinky shit that you like. Yes. Always.

Céline Remy 18:15
Yes. So let’s talk woman because you know she

Kevin Anthony 18:20
has to come first, right? Yes, let’s talk women should go first.

Céline Remy 18:27
So one thing I like to say is that the sexiest thing that a woman can wear is her confidence. And it has nothing to do with your hair. You make up your clothes or anything on the outside. It’s really about how you feel inside. So once you know that I think it’s worth spending more time dedicating finding that place within yourself of confidence rather than something from the outside to get you there.

Kevin Anthony 18:54
Oh yeah, I love a confident woman. I find it super sexy. Some men maybe can find it. intimidating but that’s just because they need to do their own internal work, which we’ll talk about when we get to the men’s section but a confident woman

Céline Remy 19:06
very sexy. See, it’s man-approved, so go for it. And you know, you got to own that you sexual there’s this misconception that men are the sexual one and women don’t want sex as much as man, this is all bullshit, you know, like, legit, legit? Absolutely. It’s like, this is such an old paradigm. Like, throw it out of the window. Don’t ever revisit this concept. It’s old stuff. We don’t need it on the fact that you’ve sexy sexual powerful woman like just own it and, and rejoice in it because it’s wonderful.

Céline Remy 19:39
You know, being sexual and being in your pleasure is all about what it is like the experience of being alive on earth in a body. And if you’re not really doing that you are really missing out on life. Mm-hmm. So, also now let’s talk a little bit more about confidence when it comes to women. Sexual confidence and being confident versus being pushy. And this is a really difficult concept for a lot of women because we are so good at stepping in when need be and being in charge, especially if we aren’t in a relationship with a man who’s not stepping it up.

Céline Remy 20:21
So we just do it all. And you know, we have career jobs, we, we get things done, we do things and it’s like, we used to go through life with like this, get things done mode, right. And sometimes we approach sexuality with that same energy

Kevin Anthony 20:42
Getting it done.

Céline Remy 20:45
And it’s not serving us you know, so there is a big difference being pushy, which is much more masculine per se versus being confident. So what does it mean to be connected sexually to your feminine So first let’s explore the masculine approach because I think it’s going to be easier. So masculine approach is you’re going after the guy you want to decide for the restaurant, you’re taking home, you rip his clothes off, and you just

Kevin Anthony 21:12
do him on the bed. Yes, I’m on top of him.

Céline Remy 21:16
Yes, ride him till the morning. And while that’s amazing, and you just stepped into your power, and that was awesome, it may not be serving you for the polarity of your relationship in the long run. So if you’re not familiar with polarity, please go spend the time to listen to our episode 100 we really detailed polarity and how it works and yeah, the inner works of it. Now let’s look at confidence from the feminine approach.

Céline Remy 21:45
So there’s a misconception that, Oh, well, you’re feminine then you have to let the guy do everything. I don’t want to be that. Of course. This is not what we’re telling you. feminine approach. It’s just not sitting there and waiting for things to come to her. But she’s not dominating everything and taking charge of everything making everything happen. And it’s, it’s that fine line between, you can say what you want, I want to have sushi tonight or I want you to eat my pussy.

Céline Remy 22:14
And then that opens the door for the men and let him walk in and do this for you deliver it that’s what being confident is being pushy is grabbing his head and put it between your legs and having each yard which could be hard. Sometimes there’s a place in time for it right?

Kevin Anthony 22:30
I love to make martial arts analogies because I love martial arts. And I would describe that difference between like muy Thai, which is something I’ve done for many years is very masculine, it’s in your face, it’s just force, it’s a, it’s like it’s going to overwhelm you with force, it’s going to just go right down the center and punch you in the face, right?

Kevin Anthony 22:51
Whereas maybe something like Aikido is more of redirecting the energy, it’s more flow. It’s like, I’m not going to Trying to simply overpower you, I’m simply going to redirect your energy and force where I want it to go. I wanted to go over here, I wanted to go over here. And I think it’s such a great analogy because the masculine way is just a straight overpower.

Céline Remy 23:14
Mm-hmm.

Kevin Anthony 23:14
But the feminine way is to use her feminine powers to redirect things where she wants them to go. So she doesn’t have to be overly powerful in a strength kind of way. And yet, she’s incredibly powerful in the way that she’s able to guide things and direct them and make them happen the way she wants.

Céline Remy 23:35
I love this. And remember, a confident woman is not afraid of the COC. She’s not afraid to go for it, ask for it, to worship it, and to love it. Okay. And that’s essential, absolutely essential because it doesn’t mean that you know every trick and moves in the book but if you’re not afraid of it, then you will explore and trust me if you just being playful in the moment with a car, he will find ways to stimulate it that will be new, different and exciting.

Kevin Anthony 24:06
It’s pretty hard to go wrong there and that should cause pain. unintended pain.

Céline Remy 24:10
Yes.

Kevin Anthony 24:12
Yeah. Have fun with it.

Céline Remy 24:14
So how do you become a confident woman? So number one, you ask for what you want, and then you let him do it. Okay, so give him space as what you want and let him do this. And then it’s about being bold, being confident asking for what you want without being pushy. Alright? And look into a mind man’s eyes when you ask.

Céline Remy 24:34
And even if you are blushing, you know, hold that gaze, and it’s totally okay to show vulnerability. It’s actually very attractive. So it doesn’t mean that you can’t have like blushing or like those little moments of like, Oh my gosh, I’m embarrassed or this is going out of my comfort zone. But doing it despite the fact that you pushing yourself is what is sexy and confident.

Kevin Anthony 25:00
Yeah.

Céline Remy 25:02
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Céline Remy 25:24
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Céline Remy 25:47
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Kevin Anthony 25:52
Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 25:53
So Kevin, tell us about confidence for the man.

Kevin Anthony 25:56
Whoo, confidence for the men. All right. No. Number one on our list is to act confident and take charge with little parentheses while also paying attention to her needs and desires. So what do we mean by that? So? And you can jump in and say whether or not you agree with this, but I personally think that most women like a man who’s confident, yes, a man who heads who shows up and says, Okay, I have an idea. How about we go here, I’m going to take you to dinner or we’re going to do this thing.

Kevin Anthony 26:27
We’re going to do that. And then we’re going to do that. Now, and we’ve talked about this many times, especially with polarity, the differences, and here’s where the little parentheses come in. If she goes, ah, you know, I wasn’t really thinking that you don’t go well to us. I’ve already made my decision and that’s the way it is. So we’re going, right? No, that’s not how you do it. You go, okay, well, what would you like? give her an opportunity to say oh, well, I would like this and you go, Okay, I will make that happen.

Céline Remy 26:55
Hmm. Well loves this out of that. Working already. Oh,

Kevin Anthony 27:00
Yeah. All right, everybody, that’s all the time we had no, just kidding. So acting confident while paying attention to her needs. Again, just like we talked about before, if you don’t really have the confidence, do your best to create that confidence to fake it as best you can. Number two, take the time to learn what you don’t know, we kind of talked about this a little bit at the beginning of the show, but this is being great in bed, whether you’re a man or a woman, it is a learned skill, and it takes time and it takes practice. Here’s the thing.

Kevin Anthony 27:38
Guys have this really bad reputation of like they’re lost. They’ve been lost for an hour and they won’t stop and ask for directions, right? Because like, no, I got this, you know, or, or like, you get that new piece of furniture from IKEA that has like 40,000 pieces. It’s like, I don’t need the directions. I’ll figure it out. Do you know? We have that reputation. Sometimes it’s true. Sometimes it’s not true, like all stereotypes. But the idea is don’t think that you know, at all when it comes to being a good lover, and don’t be afraid to go out and find resources to help you learn the things that you don’t know.

Kevin Anthony 28:17
And in some cases, you don’t even know what you don’t know. You might think you got it. I’ve seen it all. I’ve done it all. And then you pick up a new book and you go, What? Never heard

Céline Remy 28:30
of that before. And little plug, we can help you So reach out to us. We’re happy to work with you and get you to your sexual confidence. Absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 28:40
All right next on the list is to stop focusing on the end goal. And to do that you have to learn how to separate your orgasm from your ejaculation. We talked about this so so so many times, but look, here’s where the rubber hits the road right? where the rubber hits something But the point is is like if you’re constantly worried about can you last long enough? Can you last long enough for her to have an orgasm?

Kevin Anthony 29:09
Maybe for her to have multiple orgasms, maybe even just for her to go, you know, that was at least worth it. Right? Even if she doesn’t have an orgasm, some women do. Some women don’t some women have struggled with that. But they can still think that sex is great if they had a pleasurable experience. If the whole time you’re worried about can you even make it to that level? That’s not confidence. It’s not confidence.

Kevin Anthony 29:35
And the more you think about it, the less confident you’re gonna, you’re gonna have. So the idea is to learn how to do that drop the agenda, you don’t have to ejaculate. All you have to do is be able to last long enough to control your body long enough for both of you to be able to have a pleasurable experience. Mm-hmm. Yes. Right. I didn’t know if you wanted to add to that. Let’s move on to the next one. Deal with your sexual insecurity.

Kevin Anthony 30:08
So whether or not you have erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, maybe you’ve got sexual shame because you were abused when you were younger or you had really bad sexual early experiences where maybe you didn’t do that good and somebody shamed you for religious background, I mean, the list. We do multiple shows on all of those things. If you know you have that stuff, it’s going to get in the way of you and your confidence, right? You’ve got to deal with it. You’ve got to work with somebody that can help you through that.

Kevin Anthony 30:45
Sometimes that’s a therapist sometimes and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s actually somebody that can work more with releasing those stored memories through your physical body. One thing that we start they’ve noticed and I’ll get you something talk more about this is that we have a lot of clients who come to us and say, they’ve been working on this in therapy for years. And yet they’ve gotten nowhere with it. And not to discount traditional therapy because there’s good things about that, too. But then they come and they work hands-on. And they’re like, wow, that worked in like a couple of sessions.

Céline Remy 31:21
I think the biggest thing is that oftentimes in a traditional setting of therapy is you’re rehearsing a story. And remember what we were telling you about changing your inner dialogue and monologue. When you go in therapy, you’re constantly talking about what’s not working, where the issues, the sticky points, and all of this, and it’s not really reinforcing that self-esteem, boosting it.

Céline Remy 31:44
And so, usually, when we work with people, we don’t care about the stories, as a matter of fact, we want to spend as little time as possible into the stories and get straight to the heart of the matter and going into the body and let things unfold from doing a particular breathing movement or, or massaging a certain body area or doing different, different practices that will unlock the body’s intelligence and the energy so that pleasure can move through you and help a heal much faster.

Kevin Anthony 32:17
Yeah, it works. It works. You know if, if I ever had any doubt about that, seeing the progress that clients make, it’s just like, there’s no disputing it. I don’t care what the research says. When you observe it firsthand. You’re like, it works. It just works. Okay, let’s move on. Next is to pay attention to what your woman wants. We talked about this before, too, but here’s the thing. As guys, we like to have the manual.

Kevin Anthony 32:47
I like to have a manual. One of the hardest things is especially with a new lover, is not knowing what she likes, or what she wants, and it’s like fumbling around in the dark. You know, let me try this. She didn’t really make any noise she didn’t move. Let me try this. Oh, she made us was that a pleasure squinty face or a pain squinty face? I’m not sure. Well, have you tried this over here? Well, that’s not working right.

Kevin Anthony 33:15
So we don’t like to be shooting in the dark per se. We like to kind of know. And sometimes a woman will tell you and sometimes she won’t. So if you want to know if you’re on the right track and feel like what you’re doing is working, you have to really pay attention. So pay attention to the faces she makes pay attention to the things that she says pay attention to the way her body moves. Pay attention to whether or not her cheeks are getting flush.

Kevin Anthony 33:43
Maybe her vagina is swelling, like pay attention to all that stuff. It will guide you it will guide you it will show you whether or not you’re going in the right direction. And if you are going in the right direction, then keep going. Keep going in that direction. And the more you do that, the more often you will be that what you’re doing is working.

Céline Remy 34:02
Mm-hmm. So that kind of leads us to the next one, which is about presence about just being present. And being present is the hardest thing that people can do. Most people are always stuck in fantasies or in their head thinking about the next move, or the time when it fails. You know, it’s, so difficult to be present. And it’s an art that we need to practice over and over. The quickest way to be present is to go back to your body and to your breath.

Kevin Anthony 34:33
You know, I think, I think maybe we ought to do a whole show. That’s true presence. Maybe that’s next week’s topic, we will see. There are so many ways that people check out like literally just check out. Like from the guy’s perspective, it could be simple like, you’re going down on a woman and you’re thinking too much about what you know you’re doing like ABC with you and you’re totally thinking about that and which means you Not paying attention to how she’s receiving you.

Kevin Anthony 35:02
It could be also for a guy that you’re worried the whole time about trying to be able to hold your ejaculation, right? So then you start doing all the typical techniques that people teach you, which is like thinking about baseball, or you know, Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day. I still like making that joke. You know, whatever it is, right? You know, and you’re not paying attention to women, it can be all kinds of different things to the

Céline Remy 35:27
to-do lists of things, your homework of the children that you’re going to make for your next meal. Did you do laundry? I mean, I’m not even going to come today. And when is this going to be over? I mean, you name it. Yeah, I think this is going to be a whole new show. So I think we should leave it at that because it’s, it’s a rabbit hole.

Kevin Anthony 35:47
It is. And the point simply being is that you need to learn how to be totally present in the situation. We actually have a whole video on this in one of our modules in our sexual mastery course because it really Is that important?

Céline Remy 36:01
So this leaves us to a couple of really important points here, which is about not being afraid to fail. So you want to try new things and also to use laughter because laughter just will you’re not going to take yourself seriously then if you don’t take yourself so seriously, just anything can go and you’re not so attached to like being so serious and making this happen. Like, actually you can be like playfully confident with a lot of laughter

Kevin Anthony 36:26
right? There’s a life lesson for you don’t take things too seriously now, especially in the bedroom is human experience is painful enough. Don’t take it too seriously, trust us. They will make your time here on earth that much more difficult.

Céline Remy 36:44
And ultimately be open to changing your mind and going with the flow kind of remember what it means to be confident is not that you’ve got it, you’ve achieved that status of confidence and enlightenment. It’s just that you know, you have enough tools. You can course-correct whenever needed, and you just go with the flow which is the feminine. All right

Kevin Anthony 37:06
time for another martial arts and analogy. When you’re starting out in martial arts and it doesn’t really matter what kind you’re doing, they’re always teaching you basic forms, right? So in traditional Japanese, they would call it kata, right. It’s a kata, kata. There’s a kata for this situation and kata for that situation and every other one that they can think of. And, and when you’re in the beginning stages, meaning like the first multiple years, that you’re, you’re learning this. If you have to use this, you’re in a real altercation and you’re going to use your martial arts, you’re like, Oh, I, which kind of should I use?

Kevin Anthony 37:40
I hope that whatever happens, like I know which one to do, and I hope it fits, and I hope it works, and all of that kind of stuff. But here’s basically what that means is you’re not super confident because you’re overthinking it in your head. You’re like nervous about what’s about to happen and what are you going to be able to perform, you’re lacking confidence in that in that space when you’ve achieved those higher levels when you’re like a couple of levels deep into the blackbelt realm, and you let go of all of that, you’re totally open to whatever happens.

Kevin Anthony 38:09
And it doesn’t matter where it goes, doesn’t matter what attack they use, or what technique they use. You’re just like, I can flow with it, I can go with it, I can adjust, I can handle that.

Kevin Anthony 38:21
And that’s where true confidence comes in. So in the bedroom, the same thing, right? If, if you’ve got your way of controlling your ejaculation, and it has to be this certain thing, we have to do this, we have to do 10 minutes of oral sex first, right? And then we have to do a little bit of this and a little bit of that. And then that gets us perfectly to that place where I can do like my seven minutes of penetration, she’s satisfied. I made it right.

Kevin Anthony 38:48
And then what happens when that routine changes, something happens she’s like, no, then move for that. Let’s do something else. And you’re like, Ah ha, what do I do now? Right? That’s not having confidence. So you want to get to the place where it doesn’t matter what happens doesn’t matter what crazy suggestion comes up, let’s do this wacky position you’re like, but that one always makes me out. You know, like, it doesn’t matter.

Céline Remy 39:10
Right. So now that you are armed with all these tips, you got to practice remember, confidence comes from within, fake it a little bit until you make it but do the inner work because that’s really what it takes. And then one thing at a time, set up your challenge, what’s your next step in your sexual confidence, whatever it is for you, and then go for it and do it and make it happen.

Kevin Anthony 39:32
All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week.

Kevin Anthony 39:42
We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 39:50
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 40:04
Thanks for listening

Céline Remy 40:05
and remember you are amazing.