How To Encourage Your Partner To Open Up Emotionally

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony, and CélineRemy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
No ride. Welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 94. And it’s titled How to encourage your partner to open up emotionally. Parentheses when not in the bedroom. So this actually comes to us from a listener who was asking this very question, how can they encourage their partner to open up more? And it’s actually a great question. And it’s a question that I think a lot of people have, and so we thought we’d make a show on it.

Céline Remy 0:58
Yes, and I know that A lot of women tend to be like asking this question, maybe it’s something that comes up more often for women about like emotionally unavailable men. But I do know that it can, it’s not gendered specific. And I don’t want to stay in that, oh, it’s always the man who is unavailable and the woman who is like emotionally ready to talk about this, because I’ve seen it play both ways.

Céline Remy 1:24
There are a lot of people that are not able to open up the way they want. And so when we’ll go through our tips to help you to open up and really look at the more from a place of where are you at in your emotional maturity versus your gender because it’s really not what this show is about.

Kevin Anthony 1:44
Yeah, it’s not gender-specific. Yeah. And at the same time, you know, there is a societal sort of upbringing for men that says that we’re supposed to just, you know, be stoic and not show our emotions and in that sort of thing. So you can see why some people say that it is that way. But honestly, this might just be, you know where we live. But I feel like that’s changing a lot.

Céline Remy 2:12
Yes, absolutely. So, before we dive into all of our tips, let’s give a big shout out to our sponsor power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in that, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder, stronger erections last longer or increase your sexual skills. So go to power and mastery.com to check it out.

Kevin Anthony 2:43
Alright, so as we usually do, you know, we always have our own ideas about these things, because we work with people all the time, right? So we have our own ideas of the sort of what works and what doesn’t work, but we always like to double-check ourselves with, you know, what are other people saying out there? So we, as usual, we’ve done our research and we’ve created a pretty good strategy. I think that’s pretty all-inclusive.

Kevin Anthony 3:11
For you to use to help your partner open up again, doesn’t matter, man or woman. So we’re gonna go through those. And then at the end, we’re going to give you some bonus tips that are things that actually we don’t see when we do the research. They’re things that probably really should be there, but nobody really ever mentions.

Céline Remy 3:31
So I want to start with the thing first not to do, don’t start the conversation with we need to talk or send out a text message or corner your partner and say we need to talk. No, no.

Kevin Anthony 3:46
Any man that hears We need to talk. You get this. It’s like, all right. Remember when you were in school and you had an important assignment, and you totally forgot about it, and you know that you’re going to get big trouble when you show up to school and you don’t have it, that sinking feeling that you get? Yeah, that’s what happens. As soon as a woman goes, we need to talk.

Céline Remy 4:09
Well, and I think it goes both ways. Because if I hear we need to talk, I’m instantly going into what’s wrong is gonna break up with me. I remember having a boyfriend doing that. And I was thinking he’s calling off the relationship. Like it’s very like it’s a sentence, it’s free little words that make you down spiral really quickly, and then it puts you off balance. Emotionally, it makes it really hard to find that center again.

Kevin Anthony 4:36
Yeah, so don’t do that.

Céline Remy 4:38
So even if you need to talk find another way. So let’s look at the first thing that you need to do. If you are looking for your partner to be more emotionally available and open up. You need to set up an example and be as open as possible yourself and a lot of people sometimes they go like well, it’s If he doesn’t do this, I’m not going to do this, you know, if I don’t, or if she doesn’t do that, I’m not going to do this.

Céline Remy 5:07
If you want your partner to get there, you need to be an example. So it starts with taking a really good look, are you open? Are you willing to be 100% vulnerable? or Are there areas where you are holding back because if you’re not fully in, in your intimacy and being seen, you are not going to have that in your relationship. It’s a direct reflection as well.

Kevin Anthony 5:37
And it’s modeling, right? It’s the same thing you do with your kids. And not to say that your partner is a child. But the point is, is that if you want people to behave a certain way around you, then you have to behave that way that you want them to behave. The right one shows them how it works. And two, it shows them that you’re not requiring something of them that you wouldn’t actually do yourself. It’s that whole lead by Example thing.

Céline Remy 6:01
Absolutely. All right. So if you have a particular issue per se that you want to talk about, you know, it’s good to have like an agreement on when is a good time to talk about this, you know, I know for myself, I don’t always check in and sometimes just like, just pour it all over cabin with something, even if it’s a small little thing.

Céline Remy 6:25
And if he’s not in a good space, it can really create like something that will spiral versus like, Hey, I really have something I want to check in with you or like I’m overwhelmed or whatever that is, like, is now a good time for you to talk or can we find a moment to check in because like, I need to talk whatever that is, you know, like, and then commit to doing this.

Kevin Anthony 6:52
Yeah. And then our bonus tips will go into that a little bit deeper. But, you know, basically, the ideas don’t blindside the person you know, I mean, there’s nothing worse to than like, okay, you’re about to get in the car and go to a public gathering like a party at a friend’s house. And the both of you get in the car and then one of you goes, we need to talk. Like Really? Really? This is terrible behavior.

Céline Remy 7:20
Yes. Um, there is one more thing that I want to bring up before we continue. It’s about your expectations. And

Kevin Anthony 7:31
you’re okay,

Céline Remy 7:32
I’m okay. I am chocking.

Kevin Anthony 7:35
You wear a choker today, but you’re not supposed to actually choke

Céline Remy 7:40
I forgot my water.

Kevin Anthony 7:41
Do you need the Heimlich?

Céline Remy 7:44
Alright, I think I’m gonna be good. It’s about your expectations. And if you expect your man to be just like you emotionally, most likely that’s not going to work out really well. And I think we need to define that before we continue with our list because I believe that’s where it’s it goes wrong from the start. When you have that expectation.

Kevin Anthony 8:07
Yeah, well, so you know, you really shouldn’t have any real expectations, what you should do is set intentions. But then you also have to realize that everybody is an individual, whether it’s the difference between a man or a woman or it’s just the difference between two individuals that you can’t expect that person to react exactly the way you would react.

Kevin Anthony 8:30
So yeah, definitely not a good idea to do that. But you do want to state some intentions, like, here’s the intention, here’s what I would like to accomplish here. Here’s how I would like to, you know, set up the process even, you know, absolutely.

Céline Remy 8:45
So what I love about setting the intention is it’s not so much about focusing on a problem Hey, we need to talk it’s about I would like for us to bond more are, you know, I hope that we can both feel closer more understanding of each other after this conversation, and really make it about yourself what you trying to get about this.

Céline Remy 9:08
So, rather than pointing a finger, or you should be opening up or anything like that, like, like to, like make this an I statement, I hope that we both begin to feel more comfortable talking about this issue if there’s an issue that needs to be addressed, or I hope that we both like really drop in our hearts and like, feel the love we felt when we first met or things like that.

Kevin Anthony 9:32
So you know, the idea basically, is that you want to focus on the positive outcome that you’re trying to achieve. So that could be Hey, I would like to set the intention that as a result of this call that we feel closer and more connected.

Céline Remy 9:45
Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 9:47
So you know, try to focus No, because what some people will do is, their intention will be well, I hope that by the time this is over, you will understand me. Yeah, “cuz it’s all your fault because you don’t understand me”. That’s what’s implied. Right? So the idea is, is not to focus on that, but to focus on the positive outcome, which as we have come to a mutual understanding and all is

Céline Remy 10:09
good. Mm-hmm. Another important aspect here is about creating a container to make the other person feel safe emotionally. And that’s a tough one because like Kevin mentioned earlier, a lot of guys have been trained since they were kids that you don’t show your emotions that it shows weakness as a man to be emotional.

Céline Remy 10:35
And so the middle little things sometimes that women can do, let’s say you roll your eyes when he says something, or you cut him off when he’s about to say something because maybe for him to be able to open up emotionally he needs to have a little bit off of warm-up talk. And then he’s like, okay, to get into the deeper stuff.

Kevin Anthony 10:57
Oh, I’ve got a good one that goes with it.

Céline Remy 10:59
Thank you go for All right,

Kevin Anthony 11:00
okay. So if you want to make the person feel safe that they can say anything, they want two things, one, there are no consequences for anything they say in the moment. And number two in the future, right? Because here’s the thing is like, you say something is supposed to be confidential. You’re supposed to be able to say anything you want.

Kevin Anthony 11:23
But then a week later, two weeks later a month down the road, all of a sudden it comes back. Well, you said, blah, blah, blah, right. So what is that going to train the person to do? They’re gonna go Whoa, okay, she’s throwing that back in my face. I should have never said that.

Céline Remy 11:39
Absolutely. So, and I think we’ll talk more about that in our bonus tips here coming back to that but having that place of being emotionally safe, making it safe for the person, so you have to be willing to not hold it against them, whatever they say. So that kind of leads to the next step that we have here for you about being proactive.

Céline Remy 11:59
By getting yourself centered, grounded, and open. So if your goal is to help your partner open up emotionally, you can’t come in with like this energy of like, we’re going to do this massive surgery on you right now and get the words out of your mouth. You know, it has to be like, inviting. It has to be something that you show them how to do but done in a very beautiful,

Kevin Anthony 12:28
the easy way, right. So basically, if you’re angry or you’re triggered, that’s not the time to have a conversation. You need to ground yourself, you need to get calm, you need to get into your body, you need to do whatever it takes to be able to sit down and have a mature, adult, rational, calm conversation.

Céline Remy 12:49
So now that you starting to have a conversation, and I think honestly this is the most important tip that we are going to share with you here is about being ready to send Listen,

Kevin Anthony 13:02
oh yeah, I listen all the time, I want to make sure that I know when the correct space is to come in and tell you what I really want to tell you.

Kevin Anthony 13:10
I’m listening for the spaces.

Céline Remy 13:12
Absolutely. And that’s not listening.

Céline Remy 13:15
I really want to bring this up for all the women that are listening to this show today. This is essential. This is something I had to teach myself. One thing that I’ve learned is, for us, it’s oftentimes easier to access our feelings and emotions. We have a lifetime practice. Everything supports us in being able to verbalize our emotions. For a lot of men, and especially older gentlemen, it’s something that they had to learn later in life.

Céline Remy 13:46
And unless they feel no pressure, they won’t exactly go there. And so I had to learn to listen until my man would say that’s it. A man When he is complete will oftentimes say, that’s all that’s it, or that’s all I’ve got, or a variation of that, where he literally says like, this is everything that I had to share. There might be 22-second gaps between his thoughts.

Céline Remy 14:18
Which if you’re are a woman, and if you’re like me, you used to I used to, like, just jump in and be like, well, but why aren’t you talking more? And it’s kind of like because I’m not giving you the space to talk at your own pace. And so once I understood this, suddenly, my dad became somebody who spoke, to do a shout out,

Kevin Anthony 14:39
had to give him space. I did, I did.

Kevin Anthony 14:42
So you know, when it comes to listening, there’s pretty much a golden rule. And that is, you listen, to understand, not to respond. And so obviously, I made a joke at the beginning of this one is I’m looking for the gap so I can get in there with what I want to say no, that’s exactly what you’re not supposed to. Do you listen to understand? If you have trouble remembering what you want to say you’re like, but but but but I’m gonna forget it, write it down.

Kevin Anthony 15:08
Have a little notepad and paper with you and write it down. Just say, pause for a moment. I need to write this down. Okay, please continue that way you can still listen, and then you can still remember your thought afterward.

Céline Remy 15:20
Yeah, that’s, that’s really good. And I want to talk about not forcing the issue. I think it’s a really,

Kevin Anthony 15:29
a really big one, right? Oh, yes.

Céline Remy 15:33
You know, I know that I’m somebody who I’m kind of like a dog with a bone. So when there’s something I just want to get it done now I want this I want to go to the issue of it or whatever that is. And the more you pressure you man, and even your woman I don’t like being pressured Iver. You know, the more you try to force something on somebody when they’re not ready. The least you’re going to get out of them.

Kevin Anthony 16:00
Absolutely and, and as a guy, I can say we really don’t like to be pushed into things. So you know, the idea is really just don’t try to force it if it’s not ready. And if both people can’t do all those things that we’ve already said, then that’s not the right time. And then you just make an agreement to come back when you can do those things.

Céline Remy 16:25
So I want to go back to the idea of not expecting your partner to be the same as us. So what if you, okay? Let’s say you have a language with different words and you versed in feelings and emotions, and therefore you expect your partner to be able to do that same thing with you. And let’s say they don’t have the same language.

Céline Remy 16:48
Like I’m curious from a guy’s perspective, like, do you want to be pressuring using the same language as your partner? Or would you rather be okay? Like being accepted in however you express things, or is there something in between?

Kevin Anthony 17:06
Okay, so I was gonna cover this a little bit more in the bonus tips. But you’re really asking about communication styles and techniques. And what I’ll say is this, you absolutely cannot force anybody to communicate in the style that you communicate. And so you have to be okay with the fact that some people just communicate differently than you. But there are strategies that you can use to bridge the gap in communication.

Kevin Anthony 17:31
And so, you know, we’ll talk about that more in the bonus tips. But yeah, I mean, don’t expect them to be able to communicate the exact same way that you do. If you’re lucky enough to be in a relationship where you have the same communication style. Great. Take a big sigh of relief, because you are one of the few lucky ones who actually doesn’t have to work it communicating. For everybody else. You’re going to need some tools.

Céline Remy 17:55
Absolutely, absolutely. So let’s talk about how you talk about things. So one thing is to make this conversation feel easy and natural, right? You know, sometimes it’s kind of like, oh, I’ve learned that I’m supposed to say this sentence this way. And I’m going to speak like a robot because I want to do this, right? It does not invite, like heart connection.

Kevin Anthony 18:18
Yeah, you know, this is similar to making them feel safe. But I wanted it to be separate on this list because there is a little bit of a difference. Because you can tell somebody that it’s perfectly safe to say whatever you want, and then you have this like, really difficult conversation, but it’s safe. But it’s hard or it’s difficult.

Kevin Anthony 18:39
And the idea with this one is you want to try to make it as easy and natural. Because if you make something hard, you make it difficult, you discourage people from wanting to do it. Nobody wants to go do it. If it’s gonna be hard all the time. You know, it’s like, we got to do this again. Are you kidding me? Right, you know, or if you know it’s not gonna be That bad you’re like, no Yeah, sure. No promo ham compensation so good.

Céline Remy 19:04
So that just reminded me of a concept as a woman. One thing that women love to be told is how does this make you feel?

Kevin Anthony 19:14
haha oh, I’m so glad you remember this.

Céline Remy 19:17
And it’s like, it’s like how do you know you’re like oh, he’s finally asking me about my feelings and yes, I can dive into this. Well, this made me feel this way and stuff. Guess what you should never ask a guy.

Kevin Anthony 19:32
Who does this make you feel? This is actually something we teach a lot.

Céline Remy 19:38
It is in one of our in one of my courses too, that that is one of the essential concepts that people get it wrong. It’s okay. Like, if you’re a guy and you’re listening and you’re on the dating scene, try asking the woman that you’re dating like how does that make you feel? How do you feel about this? You will love this and you still feel is so good.

Céline Remy 19:58
And then listen is she’ll be like oh my god. He’s interested in me, he’s a good listener. What a fantastic man. If you’re trying to grill a guy, by doing this the same way, how does that make you feel? That’s not gonna work.

Kevin Anthony 20:12
It just doesn’t work. It doesn’t really speak to us and more often than not, it just irritates. And it’s not because we don’t feel things. It’s not because we don’t want to feel things. It is actually generally because a lot of times, we don’t know how to answer that question. And so it’s frustrating. And what happens is, there’s this loop that’s created, right? Where the woman will ask you, how does it make you feel? And you as a guy, you’re stopping you’re like, I, I don’t really know what you mean, I don’t really know how to answer that.

Kevin Anthony 20:43
So we’d like struggled to come up with something. And then we answer something which inevitably if it has feelings in it, it’s probably only partially like a feeling. And then that never that doesn’t satisfy the woman because she’s like, No, no, no. Tell me how you really feel Right. And now you’re like, getting fucking irritated here. So then you try again and then and then if she’s really bad at this, then she’ll come back and go. I don’t think you’re really in touch with your feelings. Yeah. It’s just like, nothing will piss us off more.

Kevin Anthony 21:17
Yes, and this is a 100% stereotype. I get it, I understand. But stereotypes generally come from some truth. They’re not true all the time, but they come from generalities and the generality is, most men do have a more difficult time getting in touch with their emotions doesn’t mean they can’t do it. It’s a behavior that if you weren’t taught, you’re just gonna have to practice and you can do it. But it’s not always that easy.

Kevin Anthony 21:43
And for the woman to be then… No, no, no, I really want to know how you’re feeling. No, no, no, you’re in your head. Tell me how you’re feeling. I don’t think I’m getting feeling here like you are going to destroy this conversation.

Céline Remy 21:55
It would be better to ask him what do you think about this? Because it will be easier for him to drop into this, rather than what do you feel? How does that make you feel? And so for a starting point to help him open up, what do you think about this? What’s your opinion on that? Because then he’s like, Oh, she’s interested in what I think and how I value and perceive this and then he’s going to be willing to open up.

Kevin Anthony 22:21
Yeah, most likely what you’ll get back is a mix of thoughts and feelings,

Céline Remy 22:25
exams, most

Kevin Anthony 22:26
likely the response you’re gonna get, it’s gonna be well, I think, you know, blah, blah, blah, and then there’ll be some feeling that comes into that so

Céline Remy 22:32
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Céline Remy 23:00
This 90-day program is truly for the couple that does not want to live a life of average and wants to be synched up sexually so that they can thrive with more purpose and passion in life. So if you are interested in learning more about our special sexual power and passion VIP program, go to Celine ramey.com, forward slash passion. And we look forward to talking with you about it. So it

Kevin Anthony 23:28
sounds great I want in. Alright, let’s jump back into sort of our tips or process for helping somebody open up So the next one is to take responsibility for your part. This one is hard for a lot of people to do. It’s always You, you, you, you, you, right, but really, it’s always both of you, both of you, both of you. Because it takes two to tango.

Kevin Anthony 23:54
It doesn’t mean that everything that’s wrong, both people always did but if there’s something not happening, right and the relationship there are two people involved there, right? And so you have to be able to take responsibility for your part of that. And that’s really hard for a lot of people do because they always want to blame everybody out. It’s always something external. Well, it’s not always something external.

Céline Remy 24:18
You know, I also want to think about something here is because for women, it’s so easy to get into the emotional and take responsibility that you might need more support, more people to talk to about your emotional things and it’s not always going to be your partner. So take responsibility if you need more support like to have girlfriend times to have other women who have woman circle women groups, people you can talk to so that you are not always constantly putting the responsibility on your partner to help you process your emotions.

Kevin Anthony 24:54
Yeah, that’s great. I recommend that to guys too. I mean, guys have guy time. Girls have girl time, guys aren’t necessary. They’re gonna get together and talk about their emotions with each other. But what they are going to do is relieve stress, they’re going to go out and do stuff together and blow off stress so that they can come back in and be grounded for the conversation.

Céline Remy 25:13
So as you if you’ve been listening to the love law podcast, you notice how Kevin and I interact and that’s literally with demonstrating how a conversation should be going. Don’t interrupt like people when are they talking right? And also

Kevin Anthony 25:31
when you are talking with each other hold space for like a good outcome. Don’t like expect the best basically of your partner don’t think if we’re going to start this it’s going to be like whatever like a down the road spirals, right? Well, no, of course not. You know, I would love to go back to that point you made about interrupting. Mm-hmm. This is one of my biggest pet peeves and not just in a relationship, but just in life. In general, the people that absolutely cannot wait their turn, I can tell you, I am on the board of directors for a nonprofit I have been for many years.

Kevin Anthony 26:12
And I’ve known most of the people on this board for a long time. And they’re great people. If you’re listening, I love y’all. And they cannot wait for their turn to talk. It’s so hard to ever get anything out like a complete idea about anything without having two or three people a few meetings ago. I’m like, Look, I’m bringing in a talking stick for y’all. And you are not allowed to talk unless you’re holding that damn stick. And honestly, it’s the same thing in relationship to. You have to be able to wait, this is this. You’re supposed to be actively listening. You’re not just sitting there, you’re actively listening, and then you wait for your turn.

Céline Remy 26:55
Mm-hmm. And then I think it’s important to bring in some elements and when you start to begin speaking in ways that promote trust, respect, safety, and openness. Because it’s it just again, it’s creating that safe container. And you want to resist the temptation to like, explain, justify, or anything that’s like trying to attack the person what you’re trying to do. It’s exactly what Kevin said earlier. You, you listen to understand not to like, make a point. B, right.

Kevin Anthony 27:31
This is not a political debate that political debates are the exact opposite. They just sit there and wait and then attack. That’s not what you want to do here doesn’t work for them either, by the way, but I guess it makes for entertaining television.

Céline Remy 27:48
I want to bring some concepts here about being patient with somebody who may be taking longer to open up than you do. being patient with giving them the time they need in the convent. The time they need to really feel good about opening up. And I want to talk about reinforcing the positive because I think it’s essential.

Céline Remy 28:10
And so understanding your partner’s love language and rewarding behavior. I know it sounds pretty bad, like, are we talking about a dog or a kid, but it’s the same principle, when something happens in the way that you like it, like really reinforce that and focus on the positive things that they do. Because most of us, we’ve all gone through schooling and all people pointed out were all our flaws.

Céline Remy 28:35
And you know, how much it hurts and how it can just hinder the flow of your creative flow, your expressions ability. And so the more you can focus on the positive things in your relationship in your partner, even if he or she is not yet fully open, what what are the ways that they are showing you their love, and how can you show them love so That the more loved up they feel the more they will also open up.

Kevin Anthony 29:04
Absolutely. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I love that idea of bringing in the love language thing because, you know, we’ve talked about love languages on the show so many times it like creeps into almost every episode. Which should tell you that it is kind of an important thing to do. But, you know, yeah, you’re having a conversation and you want to use whatever tools you can to make it better.

Kevin Anthony 29:26
So, you know, if you know that your partner’s Love Languages appreciation, then give them lots of appreciation while you’re having this conversation. So, you know, I really appreciate the way you were able to just listen to me, I really appreciate the way that you were able to reflect back accurately what I said, you know, whatever, if they’re, if their love languages touch, just ask them if it’s okay if you give them a shoulder massage while you have the discussion that’s instantly going to relax them so I love incorporating that.

Céline Remy 29:55
I know that you brought appreciation there Kevin because it’s also like showing appreciation and also recognize even the small little like improvements you may not get from like somebody who’s very close down to somebody who’s totally open up, it’s pretty much not how the process is going to happen. They’re going to slowly open up.

Céline Remy 30:18
And the more there’s positive behavior, the more they’ll be open to open up. And again, look at how they want to do it. Don’t force your way on that. And then it’s very important to thank you, partner, right? for their willingness to try even if it failed, at least they tried.

Kevin Anthony 30:38
Absolutely, you know, like, we make you made a joke about like, oh, they’re not like a dog or a kid. But let’s face it, we all want to be rewarded for our behavior. I mean, even when it’s subtle, you know, it’s like, yeah, we want you to at least say, hey, thanks. That was great. Hey, I really appreciate that you really tried hard even though I know it was hard for you, you know, like those kinds of things. make a huge difference.

Céline Remy 31:03
Mm-hmm. So I want to get back to some of our bonuses and tips here that we had because we talked earlier about some of the strategies around communication and things that you want to go back to. So

Kevin Anthony 31:17
yeah, well, so I got an idea for bonus tips. Because as I was researching this, I was noticing that there were certain assumptions being made throughout all of the literature that I was reading. So every single one was talking about, you know, sort of setting the grounds for communication and all those things that we talked about in the beginning. But nobody actually talked about the fact that you have to learn how to be a good communicator. So it’s like every article, just assume that you already were a great communicator.

Kevin Anthony 31:47
And honestly, I can tell you from my own personal experience, and from our experience working with clients, that is almost never the case. Because you weren’t taught how to communicate properly. I mean, honestly, Even if you were a communications major, you probably don’t know how to communicate properly within the context of a relationship.

Kevin Anthony 32:07
Because I see so few people who can actually do it. And so that’s when I realized I’m like, okay, bonus tip is we need to go back a little bit and reflect on how to actually be a good communicator. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 32:18
I highly recommend the work of Marshall Rosenberg nonviolent communication. And we also had Scott Camus, on our show many, many episodes ago on how to navigate emotional triggers and relationship. He teaches compassionate communications, which is also based on Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication. There’s a lot there are a lot of people out there who are teaching this. And so seek people who will give you a new framework to express pain.

Kevin Anthony 32:50
I believe we did an episode on communication

Céline Remy 32:52
somewhere along communication is lubrication. Yes.

Kevin Anthony 32:54
See, we did go back and listen to that one. I knew it. Well. We had 95 Keep track, I know that once you start getting into we’re almost in the triple digits. Now I know you remember every episode, but go back and listen to that we gave you tons of tips and tools and strategies and all that. It’s essential. Really?

Céline Remy 33:13
Absolutely. I want to give you a few more things around communication, ask open-ended questions, you know, that allow the person to find their own way and not just drop them into a yes or no or just something that you already seeing, like, leave it open-ended so they can find their own

Kevin Anthony 33:31
ways. Yeah. One thing I like about open-ended questions is that you will often get extra information that you didn’t know you needed or wanted. That could be very valuable. So yes, or no questions can often be used to lead people in a certain direction. You see reporters do this all the time. So Mr. President is it true that blah, blah, blah.

Kevin Anthony 33:52
And in that question, there’s a massive assumption being made. All right. People do that a lot. So open-ended questions. Don’t necessarily make that assumption they, they’ve could but they generally are less assumptive than the yes or no questions and it gives people an opportunity to fill in more information.

Céline Remy 34:10
I want to talk about the settings of when you have discussions, have discussions when you are alone without distractions. That means drop the phones, please do not try to have those discussions over text, emails, anything that’s not in-person verbal or at least have face to face voice because that is not going to work.

Kevin Anthony 34:31
Okay, there are two very important things that we need to cover here. The first one is that you said Where was it here only discuss have discussions when you can do so without distractions. This goes back to what I was talking about at the beginning of the episode. I cannot count over the years, how many times I had a partner start one of these conversations at the worst possible moment. I’ll give you some examples. You’re about to get out. Have the car and step into a public event

Céline Remy 35:02
or to your mother in law,

Kevin Anthony 35:05
or to your or to your mother in law having a bunch of times. Or how about you’re exhausted, it’s the end of the day you lay down in bed, you turn off the lights, they go click, and then you hear, we need to talk. Like

Céline Remy 35:19
what?

Kevin Anthony 35:20
Wait, you had the whole day, and you think now is an appropriate time to have this conversation. I could give you a whole bunch more examples. But the idea is like, you can have a serious conversation. This conversation might have serious repercussions on your relationship. take it seriously schedule a proper time. There are no phones ringing there are no kids interrupting you.

Kevin Anthony 35:41
Oh, that was another big one trying to have these discussions with the kids around. Bad idea. No phones, no kids, no interruptions in person. Right. That’s another big thing. We were just having this discussion recently too, about not using text messages. Not using email. The emails could maybe be a follow up just to say, here’s what we talked about and have it in writing as a reference for later, but it’s not the place to have the actual discussion itself. Yeah, these are big mistakes that people make.

Céline Remy 36:14
So I think as the takeaways are to remember that it always starts with yourself first. So are you modeling being open and emotionally available fully, not just thinking that you are but are you fully in every way in your relationship? Understand that asking how does that make you feel to you guy is most likely going to close down the conversation rather than invite him to open more?

Céline Remy 36:39
So use the How does that make you feel with her and more, what do you think about this with him and really create a safe environment wherein whatever way without expectations for the other person to behave a certain way or to be more like you were also they are rewarded for that. effort in opening up, listen, and seek to understand, don’t try to blame, criticize, or justify or try to understand and I get into heady things.

Céline Remy 37:11
Just listen, you don’t always have to agree with things but just listen to where the person is at. And I think if you apply these tips and also work on your own ability to communicate, this will go a long way. And if you drop the pressure, and just focus on increasing the love and connection, it will become easier over time.

Kevin Anthony 37:35
Yeah, and give people time. Nobody opens up right away. It’s a process and it happens over time and doesn’t expect somebody to be 100% right there and ready to go right from the beginning. All right, everybody.

Céline Remy 37:47
I was gonna say one more thing. Sorry. I think it’s also okay to say, this is how I would love to listen to this. It’s okay to ask for what you want. By the way. I want to say that for all the women. It’s okay to say I would love it if you could tell me more feelings or emotions and verbalize that, but then let it go.

Kevin Anthony 38:07
Yeah, absolutely. Should have been up on the list. That was an important point.

Céline Remy 38:13
This is why I just read it before the end and I hope you’re still listening.

Kevin Anthony 38:17
All right, everybody that really is all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 38:34
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at selling remi.com forward slash vault. That’s kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 38:49
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 38:51
And remember, you’re amazing