15 Bedroom Mistakes That Are Causing Bad Sex

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man, a woman single, or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy, and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 217. And it’s titled 15 bedroom mistakes that are causing bad sex, okay? But how we kept this list, the only 15 I don’t even know because, you know, we work with a lot of clients, we talk to a lot of people about sex, whether they’re clients, friends, whatever.

Kevin Anthony 0:53
That’s what we do all the time. That’s pretty much what we do all the time. And we’ve pretty much heard it all at this point. There are so many little things that people don’t think about, that really mess up their sex life. And the crazy thing is, is that it could just be one or two little things.

Kevin Anthony 1:14
And then like, we don’t understand why our sex isn’t good, or why we’re not connecting, or why I’m not orgasming, or whatever it is, you fix one or two of these little things, and it radically shifts, how they show up in the bedroom and the experience they have. And for them, it’s groundbreaking, like, Oh my God, you’ve just transformed my life.

Kevin Anthony 1:35
And we’re like, yeah, that was pretty much common sense. But the idea here is not to, you know, say, oh, people, you should all know this, or this is common sense, or, you know, you’re dumb for not knowing it. The point is, is that people just don’t think about some of these things, because they are such small things are common sort of sense things sometimes that people don’t even realize well, and

Céline Remy 2:00
they’ve got a part of reality. You know, you’ll see them when you watch a show on TV and in movies, and people just don’t see them anymore, because it’s just there.

Kevin Anthony 2:12
Yeah, or they think it’s normal, and they have no idea the impact that these things are having. So that’s what we’re going to talk about on this show, we’re gonna go over 15 of some of the more common things that we see that people do, that lead to bad experiences in the bedroom.

Céline Remy 2:31
So you’ll know what not to do in bed, and how to fix it.

Kevin Anthony 2:35
Right. And you know, a lot of times in the shows, we’ll go through all the things you shouldn’t do. And then we’ll go through all the things you should do. But this time, the way we’re going to do it is as we talk about one and tell you what not to do, we’ll also be telling you how to course correct it as we go along.

Céline Remy 2:52
Absolutely. Before we get started, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsors, power and mastery. So if you want to join this secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men.

Céline Remy 3:11
Whether you want to have harder erections last longer or increase your sexual skills, there is something for you at power and mastery.com. So make sure to check it out.

Kevin Anthony 3:23
Okay, so what not to do in bed, and how to fix it? These are not necessarily in any particular order. We did sort of roughly group them together so that we’re talking about similar things all at the same time, rather than jumping all over the place. But they’re not necessarily in any particular order. So I just wanted to say that upfront. So what’s number one saline?

Céline Remy 3:47
You know, interestingly enough, number one is so common, that you might not guess it. Close your eyes during lovemaking?

Kevin Anthony 3:57
Yeah. So why is that a problem? Well, because you’re not connecting with the person that you’re there having sex with. Sex literally is about connection. It’s about nothing else. But connection. I mean, that’s honestly what you’re doing. You’re connecting, and one of the most intimate, physical ways that you can possibly connect with another human being. So you’re supposed to actually be connecting.

Céline Remy 4:22
So what’s interesting is sometimes people will start, they’ll look at each other, or they’ll do some foreplay of some kind or whatever. But once they get going, and they get very close, because of their eyes, they turn up the body, and they went into their little world. And then the other one might be like, Hey, I could use your help to get there. Well, I want to connect with you. Hello, where are you?

Kevin Anthony 4:48
Or Hello, you’re not paying attention to what I need at this moment. And see, there are several problems here. One is when people close their eyes, they tend to go into fantasyland. Okay, that’s it. the problem is that fantasy land is not reality. And that can have major negative impacts on not only your lovemaking but your relationship. So this can affect the guy’s erections.

Kevin Anthony 5:10
This can affect both men’s and women’s ability to orgasm. Because now you’re off in fantasy land, right? And then at some point, inevitably, you have to come back to reality. And if the reality that you come back to doesn’t match the fantasy land that you were just in, so for instance, you close your eyes, you’re a guy and you’re having section, you’re going off into fantasyland about whatever your favorite porn genre is, or whatever.

Kevin Anthony 5:36
And then at some point, you come back and you realize, oh, this, this isn’t that she doesn’t look like that. She’s not screaming like that. She’s not ejaculating all over in three seconds like that, right? And that can really affect a man’s ability to sustain an erection. Whereas had you just stayed present at the moment appreciating the actual person you were with, you probably wouldn’t have that problem.

Kevin Anthony 6:01
The same thing can happen to women, they can jeopardize their ability to have an orgasm by going off into fantasyland. Some women actually will tell us that the reason they close their eyes is so that they can actually access their orgasm. But it’s not necessary.

Céline Remy 6:19
I don’t think so. I really think it’s a big mistake. And I see it all the time. I had to teach pretty much, every one of my boyfriends when I was younger, to like keep their eyes open.

Kevin Anthony 6:30
Yeah, well, and the thing is, if your eyes are closed, you can’t possibly be paying attention to what’s happening with the other person. And this is true for both partners, for sure. But I think it’s even more true for men.

Kevin Anthony 6:46
You need to be watching her, you need to be looking at all the subtle signs, all the visual acuity, we talked about this on the show all the time, if you’re not paying attention to her facial expressions, and you know, our her cheeks, you know, blah, blah, blah, are here

Céline Remy 7:00
we’ll come back to that because he’s boring below. Yes.

Kevin Anthony 7:03
Okay. So

Céline Remy 7:05
giving directions. Well, but the point is,

Kevin Anthony 7:07
you can’t do that. If you have your eyes closed right now, there are a few people listening, saying, but what if I just want to close my eyes and receive? There are times when that’s okay. But you have to agree to that. You have to say, Okay, this is all about you.

Kevin Anthony 7:24
I’m just gonna give it to you. You can close your eyes, you can lay back, you can just get lost in your own world. This is just about you receiving pleasure. That’s fine. As long as that’s what the two of you have agreed to. beforehand.

Céline Remy 7:39
Exactly. And there’s a very clear giver and receiver. Yes, exactly. Because you’re not trying to give your ankles fumbling in the dark.

Kevin Anthony 7:48
Out, stop poking me

Céline Remy 7:52
against the thing, which leads to number two, having it too dark in the room, or too cold.

Kevin Anthony 7:59
Yeah, well, it’s too cold. That’s another one we should have put on the list but too dark in the room. The reason why that’s on the list in the reason why it’s number two right after number one is that it creates the same problem. Yes, the same problem of not being able to connect.

Kevin Anthony 8:12
And the thing is, if you’re closing your eyes, you can always just open your eyes and reconnect again. But if it’s so dark in the room, that you literally can’t see anything, you’re never going to get that connection. And here’s the thing, we see this actually, with a lot of couples, you know, there, there are couples that will tell us they can’t make love the lights on with the lights on, like, not just with without the lights on.

Kevin Anthony 8:35
Because you know, depending on where you live and how much light you have coming in from streetlights, cities, whatever, you can have the lights off and still see and still connect with the person. But maybe you live someplace where there’s not as much light pollution.

Kevin Anthony 8:48
Or maybe you’ve always got the blinds closed, so your neighbors aren’t staring in and watching you have sex or whatever it is. It can be quite dark in the room. And again, that’s really blocking the connection. I noticed. You know, you and I always make love where we can see each other. I

Céline Remy 9:04
know if we don’t, it just feels really weird. There have

Kevin Anthony 9:09
been a few times where like, you’ve woken me up in the middle of the night because you couldn’t sleep and you’re like, let’s have sex and I’m like, okay, great, you know, and it’s weird. It’s honestly weird. To make love in complete darkness when I can’t see you. It’s just weird. I mean, some people think, well, it’s not weird for me, well, maybe it’s not weird for you, but you’re not having the connection that you should be having.

Céline Remy 9:32
And I added called to this because this is really important. If if your environment is too cold, you can’t relax. If you get relaxed and get into your purse, sympathetic nervous system. You can’t surrender you can’t have orgasms. And so to Central, do you have an environment that fosters relaxation and orgasms?

Kevin Anthony 9:55
Yes, yes. Yes. Ah, okay, the three.

Kevin Anthony 10:05
That’s why number three, I’m

Kevin Anthony 10:06
gonna strangle people who do number three, having the TV on in the background, okay? Look, if you were sitting on the couch and TV was on, and she saunters over and happens to be in some lingerie, and sits on top of you and decides to just make love to you right then in there, great.

Kevin Anthony 10:24
No problem whatsoever. Who cares, right? But that’s not the scenario that happens most of the time. What happens most of the time is you literally have the TV on in the background, and then you’re like, hey, I want to have sex, or let’s have sex. Okay, and you leave the TV on.

Kevin Anthony 10:41
And it’s, you got like, the news going on in the background. Talk about a fucking erection killer. The news? Really, or some stupid sitcom, you know, like, the problem here is, is the major distraction?

Céline Remy 10:56
Well, honestly, the TV doesn’t have a room, in a bedroom, in my opinion.

Kevin Anthony 11:01
No. And this is another thing is almost everybody we work with has a TV in the room, almost everybody we know, has a TV in their bedroom,

Céline Remy 11:10
and almost everybody who wants to have good sex, we tell them to take it out. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 11:15
most of the people we know who do have good sex on a regular basis don’t have a TV in the room. There’s your bedroom. We’ve talked about this many times in the show, we’ve talked about how to create the perfect sort of sanctuary in your bedroom. But the bedroom is really for two things sleeping, and having sex.

Kevin Anthony 11:33
You don’t need a TV for either of those. And the idea is you want to create an environment that’s conducive. Especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time. You’ve been together for a long time. Maybe you even might have some age-related sexual dysfunction creeping in like you need all the distraction stuff. Fuck out of that room. You really do. So

Céline Remy 11:52
I was we’re talking about things that need to get out of the room. That’s number four, having pets. Get the pets out of the bed.

Kevin Anthony 12:01
All right scenarios we have either heard of or seen involving pets in the room during sex. Okay, here’s a couple I can think of that I remember the pets get horny and start humping you while you are having sex while you’re humping the pets or humping you? Yes, more or sniffing around and sticking their nose in places that it shouldn’t be?

Kevin Anthony 12:24
Or simply just laying on the bed but in the way yes, you can’t necessarily move because the dogs in the way or the cats. Here’s one, she starts moaning and the dog starts howling. Now granted, it’s funny when it happens, right?

Kevin Anthony 12:44
And you laugh but it totally breaks the moment if you were getting anywhere near an orgasm, it’s not happening the second that dog starts howling.

Céline Remy 12:52
There’s also something where energetically the pets kind of become the master and you have to establish your boundaries. I’ve heard different stories and people that were not getting along in the bedroom until they were able to remove the pets. The pets knew then that its place was somewhere else. And then the men in the house were able to take its real place.

Kevin Anthony 13:22
Yeah, so we love pets by the way we do big animal people we love animals just not in bed. Just not in bed especially when you’re having sex. Yeah, well actually this is really about not being in the room. Like they should not be in the room while you’re having sex again it’s another distraction it’s one more thing to keep track of just not conducive for being fully present and interacting only with your partner

Céline Remy 13:53
unless you’re wanting to have some kind of a free some and have you as being liked while you fucking somebody else.

Kevin Anthony 13:59
No No sorry. We do not condone VCL on this show. We do not if you want to have a threesome and have your salad tossed great fine another human no pets in the room during lovemaking. Don’t do it.

Céline Remy 14:19
Okay, last but not least kind of around the bedroom too is number five having the room be a mess. And that we see a lot

Kevin Anthony 14:28
Yeah, and this is more of like an energetic thing is like, again, this idea of having the bedroom be a sanctuary, a place where you can relax. How many people unless they’re just naturally a messy person and just really don’t care? Most people cannot relax in a messy room especially her gonna

Céline Remy 14:49
be thinking okay, go to fold this laundry. But there’s a way to do this do that she’s not going to be here.

Kevin Anthony 14:53
Yeah, it’s so true with the overwhelming majority of women. If that route rooms a mess, she is thinking about that basket of laundry sitting on the floor or the fact that the floor needs to be vacuumed, or that the sheets are dirty and probably need to be washed tomorrow. I mean, she’s thinking about all of that stuff. And trust me, if she’s thinking about those things, she is not having an orgasm is not going to happen.

Céline Remy 15:20
No, no doesn’t work that way. We wish but no. Well, I can multitask. Maybe you can think about my to-do list and come. No.

Kevin Anthony 15:33
Never has anybody said, Oh my God, when I was having an orgasm when I remember when I came really hard. I was totally thinking about the laundry. Never has a woman ever said that. It just doesn’t happen.

Céline Remy 15:49
All right, number six. This is a biggie, being on your phone, tablet, or computer.

Kevin Anthony 15:57
Okay, so we have actually heard stories of like, one person is giving the other person oral sex, and the person receiving is literally on their phone. They were

Céline Remy 16:08
shopping for food and ordering food for afterward.

Kevin Anthony 16:11
Yeah. So bad. Yeah, while receiving oil, say that is

Céline Remy 16:15
so bad. Well, are you really receiving or?

Kevin Anthony 16:19
No, no, you’re really not. The thing is, especially in that scenario, or really any scenario where somebody is giving to you. Honestly, it’s disrespectful. It’s disrespectful. It’s just like, Yeah, whatever, I don’t really care that you’re going down on me like whatever I got other things to do. It’s not really that important. Like, holy shit. Yeah, pay attention.

Céline Remy 16:42
Yeah, there’s also another message where let’s say you are in bed, do you have your new phones, and you’re scrolling down social media, and you’re connecting with all these people, giving all these people your energy, and yet you’re giving nothing to your relationship. And this happens a lot.

Kevin Anthony 17:02
Do you know, and this, this really is a sign of a broader issue that’s probably happening throughout the relationship? If you’re not giving attention to them when they are doing some very intimate act to you at that moment. I’d be willing to bet that there are a lot of other areas of that relationship, you are not paying attention to

Céline Remy 17:23
you. But maybe even you’re not even doing like having any sexy just sitting in bed, you know? And I find that so sad.

Kevin Anthony 17:32
Well, yeah, I mean, again, it depends on what your boundaries are. It’s like, you could be sitting in bed, because, you know, we used to do this a lot where we would go upstairs early, and we would read in bed together. But the agreement was, hey, we’re gonna read for 30 minutes or whatever, an hour before we go to sleep, and that’s fine.

Kevin Anthony 17:48
We’re both kinds of reading our own books and doing our thing. If that’s the agreement that you have, that’s fine. And for some people, you know, we’ve always had this no technology and in bed rule, or some people rather than reading a book, they might just be you know, reading something on their phone or cruising social media.

Kevin Anthony 18:03
That’s okay if that’s the agreement at that moment. But well, let’s say you, you decide, okay, we’re gonna go upstairs early, and you know, you’re going to be on my phone, whatever, browsing Amazon, or whatever it is people to my email on their phone, you know, social media. If the person next to you suddenly decides, I’m going to roll over and grab your cock or go down on you put the damn phone down.

Céline Remy 18:33
Sorry, there’s just one last email I need to take care of. No.

Kevin Anthony 18:40
No, no, you don’t do it. Don’t do it.

Céline Remy 18:46
Alright, let’s move to number seven.

Kevin Anthony 18:49
All right, number seven, not giving compliments. This is something totally different now. So most of that other stuff we were talking about was in the realm of not paying attention not being present, not really fully receiving and or giving with your partner, which

Céline Remy 19:04
and then set the scene, the environment, right?

Kevin Anthony 19:07
All of that, all of that. And so now we’re kind of going through, okay, even if you are doing all of those things. Are you actually giving compliments like, I really love it when you do that? Or, Oh, you look so hot in that position, or in that lingerie? Or, you know, there are so many examples we can

Céline Remy 19:28
go both ways. You know, sometimes people think, well, he doesn’t want to have cute names or be told nice things. I’m like, bullshit. He needs it as much as you do.

Kevin Anthony 19:40
Well, they don’t have to necessarily be cute names. You know, I mean, you had a list of nicknames a mile long for me and they were awesome. They were all really cool names like, you know, King Kevin master Kok and I wasn’t

Céline Remy 19:53
gonna you Honey Bear. No,

Kevin Anthony 19:55
no, you weren’t. But the thing you know, that’s fine. Just make sure that there are things that the other person actually likes.

Céline Remy 20:04
Yes, that’s all well, and I think the board of giving compliments goes a long way because it forces you to focus on what you’ve enjoyed in the bedroom, and what you enjoy about each other, and it keeps the energy going. The more you tell me what you like about me, or about what we just did, the more I want to do it.

Kevin Anthony 20:25
Yeah. That was awesome. Let’s do it again.

Céline Remy 20:30
I’m very big on like, afterward. So what did you like about it? Like, kind of like, debriefing? Doesn’t sound sexy, but checking in, you know, and be like, off? And I’m like, tell me about your experience.

Kevin Anthony 20:46
Yeah, you know, a lot of people will say things like, wow, well, that breaks the mood, and I just want to lay there and my post-orgasmic bliss, that’s fine. lay there in your post-orgasmic bliss for a while. And when you start to sort of come out of that, then it’s okay to have that discussion.

Kevin Anthony 21:02
And don’t, don’t make it. Don’t make it. Like, we’re gonna have a scientific discussion here. Like, make it fun. It’s big man, that, that move that you did, or that thing that you did, or when we were doing this, it was so awesome. Like, wow, I really enjoyed it.

Kevin Anthony 21:18
I really felt altered at the moment, or that got me really turned out whatever it is just talk about the things that you like, things that you didn’t, like, you know, and yeah, I mean, this is how you really get to know your partner and what they like, what they don’t like. And that’s how they get to know you. And you get to go, wow, we should really try that thing again.

Céline Remy 21:39
And you also get to be vulnerable and share your love. So many people and sometimes men a little bit more. They’ll feel a wave of love for their partner. They have no idea where it comes from.

Kevin Anthony 21:55
No idea how to express it. Exactly. They feel a little overwhelmed by it. And then they don’t know what to say.

Céline Remy 22:01
And it’s a lost occasion for great intimacy. Right? Because

Kevin Anthony 22:05
what tends to happen with men is when they don’t know how to say it, they just clam up and don’t say it. Yeah, so. Yeah.

Céline Remy 22:14
Number eight. You go too fast, too quick. Okay, where to begin with that one? Oh,

Kevin Anthony 22:22
okay. Yeah. All right. I know where to begin. They just jump straight into penetration without any sort of foreplay now. If the first sexual act is penetration, that can be okay. As long as there were other types of foreplay beforehand. Now for women talking is literally foreplay.

Kevin Anthony 22:47
But some women for some women, yeah, not necessarily all women. Some women are like, give me the deck but. But for a lot of women talking if you had a wonderful dinner, and you got to really connect and share deeply, her post, he’s already wet, already wet. So so the place to start is don’t just to jump right in.

Kevin Anthony 23:09
And this is something that you see a lot where especially the guys are like, I’m horny, I want to have sex, take your clothes off and spread your legs and that penetrates. But take some time.

Céline Remy 23:21
Or the other scenario with going too fast too quick, is you’re trying to go from zero to 100. Putting in intensity, that’s really crazy. Forcing yourself to be more turned down than you really are in not giving the chance to your body to go at its own pace.

Kevin Anthony 23:42
Yeah. So this shows up a little bit differently for men and women. For men, the way it shows up is let’s just go straight to penetration and straight to pounding.

Céline Remy 23:50
Yeah, because I’ve got a boner, I’m going to use it.

Kevin Anthony 23:53
Right. One of the big problems with there are two big problems with that strategy. Number one is she’s probably not ready. She’s not open enough. And she’s probably not lubricated enough, and it’s probably going to be slightly painful or irritating to her.

Kevin Anthony 24:08
And if she’s not good at speaking up and letting you know that she’s just going to sit there and suffer through but she’s not going to have an orgasm and she’s not going to think you’re a great lover. So that’s problem number one.

Kevin Anthony 24:17
Problem number two is that by doing that if you have any sort of trouble holding back your ejaculation and really controlling it, you are just basically you’re going to sprint blow your wad, and be done. And she’s not going to have an orgasm and she’s not going to be satisfied. We see it all the time.

Céline Remy 24:40
The way it can show up for her is she goes straight into crazy porn moaning sounding like she’s having kind of an orgasm, which you might have some waves. But then there’s no room to go further and higher. And then she got gum

Kevin Anthony 24:59
Yep, yep, that is basically her going straight into the, you know, the porn, what we call porn sounds right? One of the reasons why women do that is because when they get sexy, well, when they do see porn, they see this is what women do. And they think this is what I’m supposed to do.

Kevin Anthony 25:19
Once he starts, you know, pounding me, I’m supposed to go along like this, you know? That’s it’s not real. It’s not real. And nobody gets there that quick. I mean, it can happen on occasion, you’re really turned on your phone, you got the right, like, it happens. I mean, there have been times, especially early on when we were dating, where we would have sex and you’d come in minutes, you know, like, single-digit minutes.

Kevin Anthony 25:45
But it’s not the norm. It’s not the norm. It can happen sometimes. But so yeah, for women, the way it manifests is they just go straight into that, you know, porn sounds hyperventilating, breathing and screaming, and then there’s like, yeah, there’s nowhere left for the body to go.

Kevin Anthony 26:01
And the reality is, is that the accouter Ma, are there the breathing, the screaming, you know, the eyes in the back of the head? But the vagina is not there. And the credits, are not there. And yeah, it can actually prevent some women from getting there.

Céline Remy 26:19
Yeah. So take your time to go much lower.

Kevin Anthony 26:23
Yes. All right. So we are about halfway through the list. And that means it’s time for a break from our sponsor, which again, is me today. We get a little sword swish for when I do my ad. All right, guys, do you know what makes a man great, you know, the kind of masculine men that women are irresistibly attracted to? And what is it money, job title, his physical body, being great in bed, a big penis, and great pickup lines? Is it really any of those things?

Kevin Anthony 26:59
What if you don’t have any of those things? Or what if you only have some of those things? What if you’ve had a string of failed relationships are embarrassed by your bedroom skills and doubt whether you can rise to the occasion, and you’re worried about lasting long enough or are always stuck in the friend zone?

Kevin Anthony 27:17
This is where I can help you. If you like listening to the Love Lab, podcast men, and you’d like the type of advice that I give you, and you are looking for help in this area. Go to Céline remy.com, forward slash go forward slash warrior and sign up for a strategy call for me. Let’s get on the phone. Let’s talk about how I can possibly help you. You do not need to sit there and suffer with a life of crappy sex.

Céline Remy 27:44
And it works whether you’re single or in a relationship.

Kevin Anthony 27:48
Absolutely, it does. But a lot of times guys will say Well, I’m not in a relationship. So is it but is it worth doing the work right now? Yeah, do the work now so that when you do get a relationship, you don’t screw it up? Right. And then of course, if you’re in a relationship, fix it now.

Kevin Anthony 28:04
Fix it now so that you continue to have that relationship. It is never too early, it is never too late to start. So men, if you are looking for a coach to help you fix your sex, love, and relationship problems, go to Céline remy.com/go/warrior and sign up.

Céline Remy 28:23
Awesome. Number nine. All right, this is a biggie. Here’s the mistake. You give the way you want to receive. And that’s how your partner wants to receive.

Kevin Anthony 28:36
This is another one we see a lot. We see this when it comes to compliments. We see this when it comes to gift giving. And we see this when it comes to giving sexual acts in the bedroom. Yes. This is just one of those funny things that humans do. Humans look at the world through their own sort of

Céline Remy 28:58
filters or lenses. Like

Kevin Anthony 29:00
I like it this way. So it’s like an egocentric place. That’s the word that you should like me, right? Exactly. Well, I love having my shoulders rub so naturally she’s gonna want her shoulders up. Maybe she doesn’t care she doesn’t hold her stress and her shoulders which she wants his her feet rubbed.

Kevin Anthony 29:16
Now that would do it. You start pushing the right spots on that feet in that post he gets lubricated instantly, right? You need to think about what they like what they want, not necessarily what you want. Now, if you happen to like the same things great. Yeah, awesome, easier, easier. You don’t really have to think much

Céline Remy 29:37
but you have to stretch yourself if even if it’s not comfortable. If your partner wants to do the talking give it to them.

Kevin Anthony 29:44
Yeah, and honestly I mean no matter how similar you are, most people are going to have different things that they like and they want so you have to give that to them. And sometimes you might make a compromise like you know if you’re a guy and you’re like a man just pounding said Xs, what does it feel?

Kevin Anthony 30:01
And she’s like, No, no, I want slow sex. There may be times when you do both because you’re a couple and you want to satisfy each other. And there are times when you’re gonna say, Great, I’m gonna go slow and give you the slow rhythmic sex that you really want that really turns you on that gets you to your orgasm.

Kevin Anthony 30:18
And then there might be other times where she’s like, well, I know this isn’t gonna get me into an orgasm, but I know you love it. And so just pound me, right? You know, like, that’s the thing you got to give the way they want to receive this goes for compliments. Also, yes, this is why we teach love languages so frequently, because love languages help you understand how they want to receive different things, whether it’s gifted, whether it’s appreciation, whether it’s physical acts, right?

Kevin Anthony 30:50
The idea is you got to know how they like it. So let’s just say that you are a word of appreciation, love language, and you really like hearing compliments, you’d like to hear that you’re beautiful, or that that you love, or loved, or that the things you do around the house are appreciated. Those are the things that really get you going and turn you on and make you just feel happy and let you up in life.

Kevin Anthony 31:18
But then I am more of like an active service kind of guy, maybe I don’t speak too much. And maybe the way I show it to you is through doing little things around that. Okay, it’s great that I’m doing things for you. I’m not saying stop doing those things. But you’re not going to receive it the same if it’s not coming through in a way that you can truly appreciate.

Kevin Anthony 31:41
So as a guy, I might be acts of service. And I’m still going to do those acts of service because that’s how I like to show up. I’m also going to give you the words of appreciation that you need, right? Same thing with gifts oh my god, how many times have you gotten a gift or the person was so excited to give you a gift? And they’re like, oh my god, I got you this gift.

Kevin Anthony 32:02
And it’s so amazing. And you get it and you’re like, but this is you? Yes. This is what you love. I mean, it’s okay. Like I hate it. But it’s not me, right? Because people do that. They’re like, Oh my god, I love this thing. Oh my god, I can’t wait to give it to them. Not thinking that the other person might not give a damn about it.

Céline Remy 32:21
You know, it’s about being smart about how you use your energy. Because you might be spending a lot of time and energy and effort into doing something that only works halfway or a quarter of the way. And you could do something else that requires way less energy that lends 100% Yeah, I know which one I choose.

Kevin Anthony 32:45
Does less energy land 100%?

Céline Remy 32:47
Yes. Let’s move on to number 10.

Kevin Anthony 32:50
Number 10. Ooh, this is an interesting one to quiet. Hmm. You know, a lot of people are very reserved when it comes to noises in the bedroom. Especially if you have kids or stuff like that, or you’re living in an apartment. We have a friend, who lives in an apartment. And I have to really appreciate her.

Kevin Anthony 33:12
She’ll know who she is when she hears this show. But I will appreciate her because she lives in her apartment. And her bedroom is like I don’t know if it’s right next to the living room or whatever it is, but she can totally hear her neighbors. You know, when they’re talking and doing stuff like it have sex too and have sex.

Kevin Anthony 33:29
And she doesn’t give a damn when she has sex. She screams as she orgasms. And she’s just like, deal with it. Yes. That’s the way it should be. That is the way it should be.

Céline Remy 33:41
And to quiet also sometimes means you’re not opening up your mouth. You’re not relaxing into the energy of the moment. But it also can mean that you’re not communicating, communicating what you want, what you like what you desire.

Kevin Anthony 33:56
Yeah, it sure certainly could mean that. Another way that to quiet shows up is that when you’re a guy and you’re trying to master your ejaculation, and you’re

Céline Remy 34:10
going there

Kevin Anthony 34:14
one of the ways that you can control your ejaculation is by moving energy through your body. And we teach in our master your ejaculation program, we teach you many different ways to move that energy. You can use breathing and different techniques to move that energy and circulate it through your body.

Kevin Anthony 34:27
But one of the ways to do that is to literally make sound, making sound moves that energy up out of those lower centers right down out of your genitals and moves it up and out through your mouth. If you actually rather than tightening up and clamp down on everything.

Kevin Anthony 34:47
If you were to let go a little bit and allow that energy to move through your body. And the sound is one way to do that. You will actually have an easier time controlling your ejaculation

Céline Remy 34:58
but there’s also where you Were trying not to show that you come as a guy, and you hold it back and you were like super quiet. While if he just had become vocal, she was very close. And the two of you could have gotten there.

Kevin Anthony 35:14
For sure. There are times when she might be close and you’re trying your best to hold back if you know that she’s not there yet, right? Generally, the way we approach it as guys is we wait for you to start having an orgasm. And if we’re close, then we’ll let it go. Because like I’d at least she had an orgasm, right?

Kevin Anthony 35:30
So I can let it go. However, if you’re really struggling, and you know, you’re not going to be able to hold it anyway, tell her because she might get so turned on in that moment that that might be the very thing that pushes her over the edge, and then you can simultaneously orgasm. Bonus. Major bonus simultaneous orgasms are best.

Céline Remy 35:51
All right, number one number 11. No foreplay.

Kevin Anthony 35:59
Yeah, no, for play.

Céline Remy 36:02
I don’t really have to talk too much about that. But no,

Kevin Anthony 36:05
but I started to talk about it earlier in the show. So we’ll just sort of complete that. And I was going into like, foreplay can be a lot more than just like, I’ll give you a little or your give me a little oral that will penetrate, right, like foreplay can start much earlier in the evening. By, you know, giving appreciation and compliments talking about what you want to do with each

Céline Remy 36:24
other is the space in between each time you have sex

Kevin Anthony 36:27
space. That’s our definition. And we I would like to say only because I’ve never heard anybody else say this. And I gotta tell you, in any industry that’s been around for a long time, and sex coaching has been around for a long time. You’re not recreating the wheel, right? Like, there are very few things that a particular sex coach comes up with that are truly original.

Kevin Anthony 36:48
Now, a lot of the main differences between sex coaches is how many tools they have in their toolbox, right? Like, how many things do they have that they can help you with? And the longer they’ve been around longer they’ve been doing it, the more tools they have, the more they can help you. But rarely are people really reinventing anything new. I think that that definition is something that you and I really invented.

Kevin Anthony 37:09
Because I don’t hear anybody else really saying that. Most people will say, Well, it starts before you get into the bedroom. But what they never say is that it actually starts the second you’re done having sex, and it keeps going until the next time you have sex. And that’s what we call our constant state of arousal, where you are always nurturing that through all the days and all the times. So there’s that.

Kevin Anthony 37:09
And then there’s, you know, it could be like, starting at dinner where you’re appreciating each other, right? Okay, that’s working, that’s getting her lubed up for sure. And then it can be like, okay, the dishes are done, like everything, you know, maybe we go sit on the couch for a little bit, and we rub each other’s shoulders or feet or whatever, right?

Kevin Anthony 37:54
That’s foreplay to then we get up to the bedroom because it’s a date night and we’ve planned Hey, you know, we’re gonna get naked in touch each other, then maybe it goes into some oral sex or some fingering or stroking or something like that. And then maybe it goes to sex.

Kevin Anthony 38:12
But you see, there’s a progression there. And there are a lot of different ways that you can add foreplay that isn’t necessarily okay. Take your clothes off. I give you a blowjob for a minute I go down on you and then we fuck, like the usual that most people do in their routine. Yeah.

Céline Remy 38:27
Number 12. Six ends when he finishes.

Kevin Anthony 38:31
No, it doesn’t. Especially if he is not able to control his ejaculation. Nope, nope, nope. This is interesting. Something that we saw with a couple recently, which was their thing. Like if he came sex was over. And that was that. And she was struggling with having vaginal orgasms just like sex isn’t over just because you ejaculated.

Kevin Anthony 38:57
It’s tons of other things you can do using your fingers. Use your mouth, use your vibrator. Like, there are plenty of other things you can do. This isn’t just like, well, sex is all about him having an ejaculation so whatever it takes to get there. And then once that’s done, mission accomplished. No, no, no.

Céline Remy 39:19
You can change this idea that sex ends when you feel satisfied. And this Shadid the two of you, it will totally transform

Kevin Anthony 39:27
both of you when you both feel satiated that this moment in time that you have shared together feels complete for both of you. That’s when sex

Céline Remy 39:38
should and that could happen before he ejaculated certainly could be anywhere. Yeah, it’s a good way for him to have

Kevin Anthony 39:49
Yeah, that that that is a huge one. I’m giving you a truth bomb today for that because honestly, that is something that so few people truly understand It really is. There are a lot of things on here that maybe people don’t get. But this is really a big one. Sex is not about the ejaculation or the orgasm, that’s not the end all be all that doesn’t decide when it starts. And it doesn’t decide when it ends. Yes, it doesn’t.

Céline Remy 40:15
It changes when you start to approach it’s about the journey, not the destination, the quality of the interaction is so different,

Kevin Anthony 40:23
very different. And that’s honestly how you can really reach those altered states of lovemaking that are like, out of this world. Like, I feel like I left this dimension and went somewhere else and came back and I’m like, where am I I’m dizzy, like amazing, you know, stuff that you hear, say, like Tantra practitioners talk about, like,

Kevin Anthony 40:44
it’s as if Tantra will teach you how to get me in tantra can help you get there, but it helps you get there because it’s teaching you how to do all these things. Like be present and pay attention and you know, have some decent technique control your ejaculation, you know, all of those things. So yeah.

Céline Remy 41:03
Why don’t you take number 14 because you started explaining it? Okay, number

Kevin Anthony 41:06
13. Not understanding or watching for your partner’s nonverbal cues. We started talking about this at the beginning of the show, also, when we were talking about the fact that you shouldn’t close your eyes or have the bedroom too dark or any of that kind of stuff. Because you need to be watching, especially if you’re a guy.

Kevin Anthony 41:24
You need to be paying attention or her cheeks flush or her eyes rolling back in her head. Are her lips quivering? Are they swollen and full, arching back arching her back

Céline Remy 41:34
goose balm, have goosebumps or labia swell? Learn a difference in colors? Exactly. Click pulsing

Kevin Anthony 41:43
all you need to be paying attention to is all of those things. And I know guys, guys hate when we have to tell them this stuff. But they’re like, well, but because what basically what we’ll say to them is like it’s changing all the time. Yeah. So just because you saw it, in the beginning, doesn’t mean it’s going to be like that 10 minutes later, five minutes later, like it’s going to change, and like, why is it so hard?

Kevin Anthony 42:07
Why do they have to be so hard to figure out? And, you know, why is it changing all the time? Why can’t they? It doesn’t matter. That’s the way it is. It is what it is. It is what it is. And so you need to be always paying attention. Now. Don’t get so heady about doing that. Because this does happen with some men, men who have said delayed ejaculation.

Kevin Anthony 42:26
One of the potential causes of that, is they get so heavy about overthinking. Is she enjoying this? Does this feel good for her? That they’re totally distracted in their mind. And then they can actually really enjoy the sex or achieve an orgasm themselves. So don’t overthink it. But be paying attention. Always be paying attention.

Céline Remy 42:48
Alright, number 14. If you have to always rely on alcohol or weed to relax, that’s a big mistake. Because even if it’s legal, it just creates a filter. It creates a disconnect. I think the worst ex we’ve had was when we were high. I know people say it makes it better for some people, but it’s an illusion.

Kevin Anthony 43:13
Well, okay, so here’s the secret because I know some people are going yeah, it’s totally better. All right, I’m gonna tell you something you probably don’t want to hear. The only reason why substances that alter your consciousness make sex better is that you’re not very good at sex, to begin with. Okay, what do I mean by that? Oh, yeah, of course, I’m good. I can last whatever.

Kevin Anthony 43:35
No, what it means is a couple of things. Either, you’re not able to really drop into that space, and be vulnerable, and be open and feel what’s happening at that moment, until you completely numb yourself out. Or you’re so superly overly distracted, and you can’t stop your mind that you have to numb yourself out. Or that you don’t have the guts or the balls to make the moves and do the things that you really want to do or ask for what you want. Until you numb yourself out.

Kevin Anthony 44:06
Right? So the reality is, is that in my personal opinion, and I know there’s gonna be some people that disagree with this. So you know, if you want to have this conversation, write it in the comments, and we can continue it there. But I know there are people listening to this, they’re going to be saying no way that’s not me.

Kevin Anthony 44:23
It really does enhance the sensations or the experience, in our experience, not only in our own sex life but in working with a lot of clients. It gets in the way far more often than it actually enhances. It just does.

Céline Remy 44:40
I think it can help you to see what’s potential and what’s possible, maybe, but you have to be able to get there without it.

Kevin Anthony 44:47
Yeah, so if one of those things I suggested was like you can’t get out of your head or you don’t have the guts to do stuff until you’re less inhibited right? Then yes, you can show You had to be able to do that. But then ultimately, you got to learn how to get there without the use of the substance.

Kevin Anthony 45:04
And the thing is, if you’ve really had really good, really deeply connected, open, vulnerable sex, and then you try to do the same thing, while I’m one of the segments, you realize that that it actually gets in the way.

Céline Remy 45:18
Yeah, I couldn’t feel Yeah, I wouldn’t feel the details like the subtleties,

Kevin Anthony 45:25
subtleties, the really deep energetic connection that

Céline Remy 45:29
I need more sensations pounding, just more to get there.

Kevin Anthony 45:35
Exactly. Yeah, that’s not sustainable. No, and especially if you keep you know, you know how that goes, right? It’s like, you need more sensations, and whatever. So then the other person, they are gonna have to smoke a little extra weed and then that you need more, and then you need more, right? And then it’s at a certain point, it’s no longer sustainable.

Kevin Anthony 45:54
Yeah, we highly recommend like, look, you know, if you want to go out and party a little bit, have a little bit to drink, smoke, a little weed have sex, there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you find that you are relying on it, in order to have sex or to have what you consider good sex, then we highly suggest that you really try to get there without these substances. And you will find that you actually have better, deeper, more intimate, more connected more sensation, and probably more orgasms sex.

Céline Remy 46:29
All right. Last but not least, we are coming to number 15. Who, forgetting to experiment. And you know, this is a biggie. Sometimes in life, things happen. And you get to have sex the way you used to. Well, be creative, and find new ways. Sometimes you get stuck in a rut, you always do the routine. Well, shake things up.

Kevin Anthony 46:54
Yeah. I mean, if you are in a long-term committed relationship, you will most likely get bored. If you just do the same thing all the time. Yes, you just probably will. And so it’s really important that you try new things. And like we’ve said all the time, don’t be afraid to fail. Like sometimes things you try just won’t work out, there’ll be flaps, there’ll be flaps, because like you fell over in the middle of it, or you broke, the better the chair, or you know, or one person is just like, that’s just really not working for me, right?

Kevin Anthony 47:29
You know, like, for whatever reason, sometimes they don’t work out, and you’d laugh about it. And you have a great story for, you know, the next dinner party you’re at. And you move on. But definitely make sure that you take the time to try new things, and do different stuff. Experiment, have fun, go to a new place, go to a hotel, try a new toy, and try a new position.

Kevin Anthony 47:53
Bring another lover in if that’s your sort of thing, you know, like whatever it is, like, try different things. Yes, I have six in a different room. Yeah, exactly. Six in every room of six out on the balcony. That was actually a thing. We have another friend who’s in a new relationship.

Kevin Anthony 48:10
And that was one of the things that they were talking about at the beginning of like, sort of fantasies, what would be cool. And he was like, I’ve always he has this amazing balcony like I always wanted to have sex on the balcony.

Céline Remy 48:23
They made it happen.

Kevin Anthony 48:26
Right, so don’t be afraid to experiment. do fun stuff. I mean, man, life can be really heavy at times, like really, really heavy. Sex shouldn’t be no sex is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be connecting pleasurable. You know, it’s, it’s one of the few truly beautiful and pleasurable things that we can do in this life.

Céline Remy 48:52
So let’s keep doing it and do it. Well.

Kevin Anthony 48:55
It is that if you make it, you got to make it that way. All right. So there you go. There are 15 bedroom mistakes that are causing bad sex. How many are on this list? Are you guilty? Let us know in the comments. And if you aren’t guilty of them, then make it a point to try to fix them if you have to take them one at a time. Right?

Kevin Anthony 49:20
But I guarantee you that if you are doing some of these things and you fix them, you will see an improvement in the quality of your sex life because we have witnessed it more times than we can count with the people that we work with. All right, everybody. That is all the time we have for this episode and we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 49:51
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at Célineremy.com/vault 

Kevin Anthony 50:05
thanks for listening and remember

Céline Remy 50:07
you’re amazing