The Reasons Men Have Difficulty Committing & How To Change It With Andre Paradis

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 230. And it’s titled, The reasons men have difficulty committing and how to change it with Andre Paradis. So, I do wish that Céline was here to have this conversation because if you’ve listened to the show, you’ve heard her say numerous times, that she’s the woman that got the man who said he would never get married to get married. So she had some unique insight into this particular topic. But I do know what she had told me about it over the years, and I have my own personal experience for why I did change my mind. So we’ll get into that along with our guest today.

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Okay, so, let’s introduce Andre. Andres’s mission in life is to teach and empower people. Andre is a certified life coach, entrepreneur, business owner and artist who is now focusing his professional energy on teaching singles and couples how to create and maintain successful relationships. He is committed to this mission. married for over two decades and proud parent of two teens. Andres’s expertise spans not only over his knowledge, studies, research and expertise as a coach, teacher, educator, mentor and public speaker, but also over his actual life’s experience in dating, love, parenting and business. Whew, that’s a lot of experience. Welcome back to the show. Andre.

André Paradis 2:38

Kevin it’s always funny to hear somebody introduce you and think wow, who’s that guy?

Kevin Anthony 2:43
Oh, yeah. It’s always a little interesting listening to someone else talk about you. So Andre, we had you on the show once before, and we titled that show something along the lines of men and women are not created equal. And it was a great conversation. I expected a lot more negative feedback from people on that. But honestly, we didn’t get any negative feedback. So that really tells me that the message resonates with people more so then society or the media would have us believe,

André Paradis 3:18
Yeah, experience that a lot, actually, you know, so So I tell cultural, countercultural video and some levels, but somehow it resonates. Even respect to feminists, you know, who kind of like think and want to push everything back to the 50s, which is ridiculous. That’s not at all are doing. That’s not what I’m up to. Not misogynistic, you know, none of that. They just tried to throw that label on me and conversation, and then you know, just what I teach his nature and science, you know, with chemistry is of our bodies and how

Wait, you know, all the reasons why we react and, you know, operate and differently is when men and women, we are physiologic physiology, physiologic, hello, say that word for me, physiologically, thank you, the French get in my way, all of a sudden, we’re very different. But we you know, and the idea that we’re not it’s really what’s keeping us really confused and apart and kind of fighting. So, you know, when you when I’m teaching is nature and science and chemistry and kind of taps back into our bodies and our brain, the chemistry of our brain and how it makes it makes us operate this way that we’re in opposition by an opposition and complete opposition.

But that’s the point because that makes us complimentary that we need we you know, so even if it hardcore feminists who just want to just push me down, and they just they stop talking and they go, Oh, that’s interesting. I never thought of it that way. I’m like, there you go. Let’s do some of that.

Kevin Anthony 4:40
Well, hopefully we’ll have some more of that today where we get people to stop and think about, huh, never thought about it that way. So what we’re really going to be talking about today is this sort of age-old stereotype of men have a fear of commitment. So we’re going to talk about is that really true? And if so why is it true? And then how could we possibly shift that? And I think probably the best place to start with that is talking about how women set the tone for our relationships. And I think that’s a huge piece that a lot of people don’t quite get. So you know, we’ve heard happy wife happy life, you know, that sort of thing. But I wonder if you could just talk a little bit about how is it that women set the tone? And what does that really mean for a relationship?

André Paradis 5:32
Well, I think part of this we’re not completely aware, you tell me what we how you experienced this. But what I see is that we kind of we men are so plugged into the, the loved one, right? Like the woman in your life, whether you’re just a girlfriend or married, we’re just so plugged into them energetically. You know, my wife is in well, I can walk in the house, and she’s she’s off, I can tell as soon as I walk in the house, the energy in the house has shifted, you know, this, right? So Oh, yeah, obviously, our energy affects them as well. But we’re more because we’re sort of, you know, heavier, right, we all run our lives through our feelings, they run their lives to their feelings, so they tend to have more feelings, they’re more open.

Ups and downs, naturally. That’s just nature, I’m not being sexist. It’s just women, they run their lives to their feelings. So everything that happens, everything they see, smell, hear, taste, touch, you know, moment to moment makes them feel one way or the other. So my wife could be in a great mood, her mother calls now she’s mad. Now my mother largest polluted our day, right? So but like, things happen. And Alison, somebody calls in, you know, tell us analysis of the oh, now she’s happy again. And also now she’s upset and other kids say something.

So what happened is because women are more emotional, just the way they are, that’s then we’re not, you know, the women plug into them is literally like, depending how she feels is how I respond. Like, do I want to get near hurt or get away from her? So we just do this instinctively? Right? So that’s sort of the driver in the dance of a relationship where we’re kind of that if that’s how the, as I say, we the question you just asked us, How is it that, you know, women are kind of the guide or the wood, as you put it.

Kevin Anthony 7:19
Basically, they set the tone for

André Paradis 7:21
the tone, that’s how they set the tone, we kind of like, you know, kind of affected by where they go through and try to neutralize or balance or equalize, you know, equal, bring back the equilibrium if you want.

Kevin Anthony 7:34
Yeah, and I liked the way that you had said it, in part of what you said was basically, as men were, were deciding how to respond based on the way that they are in that moment. Right. And, and that moment is often changing. So you know, since we’re talking about committing relationship, and how women set the tone, I’ll give you a perfect example from my own dating life. I was dating this woman years ago. And you know, the relationship started out amazingly, we had a lot in common, and it was going really well. And then we, we hit this kind of rough patch, where there were some things in the relationship not working so well. But then we got over that.

And then things got better. And then we had another rough patch, and then we got over it. And so we have this roller coaster up and down. So one, one day, she says to me, we had been dating for a couple of years dealing with that one day, she says to me, if we’re not married by X amount of time, then I’m out of here. And she gives the ultimatum. Oh, lovely, that, that that worked for you. Not well at all. But that’s another conversation. But what I said to her was, I can’t even think about marrying you until we can stabilize out this relationship. Hey, go through the ups and the downs and the ups and the downs.

André Paradis 8:55
And so for the rest of my life, I feel this is how men see it. This is who she is this if I commit to this, this is going to be my life for the rest of my life. No.

Kevin Anthony 9:05
Yeah. And that’s the thing is, you know, as relationship coaches we know all too well that you don’t date or and or marry somebody for their potential, right. So how things are in that moment is how they’re likely to stay. It doesn’t mean you can’t shift it, but you have to assume that’s the way it’s going to be. So in that situation. Yeah, I was thinking exactly what you just said. There’s no way I am dealing with this for the rest of my life. Absolutely not. But it’s a perfect example of how she set the tone for that. And what’s interesting is she had a goal that she wanted, which was to be married, but her actions were not taking her in the direction of that goal.

André Paradis 9:43
But they don’t know they’re doing that, by the way right? They don’t really know they’re doing that. So it’s a woman that commitment is the ultimate safety. I think about for one second When a man says to a woman be my wife. Right, he announced this to the world to his friends to his entire Okay, he’s making a public commitment, right to lay down his, his single life hood, right like to basically become responsible for us as a couple and provide a pretext for her for the rest of his life.

He announces that public publicly, you know, like, I have yours I choose you to provide the care to love to cherish forever to the feminist like the ultimate safety like like, because women, we don’t know this, as well either as men that women are, have an awareness of not being or not being safe in the world at all times. They’re smaller and weaker physically, you know, and that awareness that we don’t have, because we don’t think that way we’re not smiling weaker, we’re actually the big ones. Men don’t run to the cars in a dark night did on me we’re not afraid of parking lots elevators, staircases, we’re not women are constantly afraid of these things.

So they have an awareness of safety all the time, the ultimate safety is some big strapping dude says Be my girl, I’ll take you forever. I mean, that’s the goal. So it is a huge piece is huge, right? It’s literally safety. There’s emotional safety, despite fitness, physical safety, financial, and you know, even spiritual safety this later. So women are all about safety. We don’t know this. We don’t feel you know, we don’t have any feeling of feeling unsafe. So if you understand that that’s their drive, they ultimately want to get to the ultimate safety, which is, you know, marry me.

Kevin Anthony 11:31
Yeah, you know, we did an entire scene and I did an entire episode on safety, and all the different ways that it shows up for women. And her perspective on that was really great. So if you haven’t listened to that episode, go back and listen to it. But this also takes us to the second question, which is, how women go about getting men to commit and how they often go about it the wrong way. So I’m wondering if you can describe, how is it that women often go about trying to get men to commit and where did they go wrong?

André Paradis 12:04
Well, again, if you understand that the drive is much bigger than what’s the word like it’s almost like a, it’s a survival drive. They need to, you know, they want that commitment to feel safe, like their survival is depending on it, you know, on some cavewoman level, it’s you know, it’s an anthropology as Beth a woman alone no world back in the days, this is the old bear food, that I mean, so women had to attach to bigger and stronger man to for safety.

And if the men aren’t around with when hunting, they would get it together. So women have this sense of community and woman nest together like this is all safety related, you know, stuff from literary anthropology from caveman cavewoman era This is where all the wiring came from the instinct that we still have that today we think we’re better nowadays we think we’re educated and evolve and, you know, civilized we are but these are all apps on top of the default system survival, survival, survival survival and never stops.

So in that women have this sort of like, I’m gonna say this necessity be kind of a neurotic need to feel safe and to bond with somebody to protect them and often that along with this the instinct to procreate make babies, right? Women create life and a lot of them naturally want to create life. Right? So there’s a biological clock that goes on with that. So in the urge of closing the deal, often women put pressure on men which is the last thing that men need to actually push in and command because you put pressure on me you’re trying to manipulate me you’re trying to guilt me into it.

You try to call me into it you put up a front trying to pretend you something you’re not we get all that instantly I work super smart men are very intuitive women don’t women are know this store thing tend not to know this men are super intuitive. They know bullshit. When they see bullshit like we know we very intuitive women are more were more and more instinctual they feel this is right, this is wrong. We no this is right, this is wrong. So in that the more that women tend to feel be, again, a little bit neurotic about needing to feel safe and trying to manipulate that because the clock’s ticking. And you know, after the starts after three months, by the way, three months of the relationship, she’s thinking, where’s this going? And often they say this, where is this going?

Kevin Anthony 14:32
You know, if Céline were here, she’d tell you it was even a lot sooner than three months. You know, she would say that, that you know, when a woman meets you and decides that you’re worthy to go out with and spend time with she’s already thinking about what the future would look like, what What color eyes, your kids would have, you know, all those little things and she’ll say she would tell you that it’s not even always rational that they do that. But yeah, they do that.

André Paradis 14:58
No, it’s not. It’s again, it’s They’re kind of like, future proof. Because what happens is like, a man will be innovative, like you just described for two years of the woman and said, it didn’t work out. Did I mean like, it didn’t work out, it was that could not get in the groove with this, you know, putting, would you call it? Nothing expectations, but like an ultimatum. It’s never gonna work, ladies is that God is like, you know, you can’t force him to do anything. And if you decide you’re gonna force him, he walked the other way. It’s gonna be a no. Right? So, but so a man will think a two-year relationship, you know, he looked into it, you know, he got into see like, see basically where, where the waves are. And if you realize this is going to be the rest of his life you are now but a woman after to your relationship will think she just wasted two years of her life. That is, does that make it two years of her biological clock went down the 20th? And she’s pissed.

Kevin Anthony 15:56
Yeah, so that’s interesting. So, so the question was, where do women go wrong? And you gave a bunch of examples. And I just kind of want to come back to a couple of them. The first one is that sense of pressure, right? And so you’re talking about, you know, biological clock and that kind of stuff. And so that feeling of running out of time, on this one often tends to get women to start to push harder and faster. And as you rightly said, Men will feel that immediately in their immediate reaction is pushback. Yep, push back.

André Paradis 16:28
Yep, you can make me do anything. That’s actually you know, disrespectful to my own manhood, you know, I want to lead I decide my life by choice, right, I’m checking you out to see how we’re gonna go long term. That’s why we did women for a year or two to find out to go through all the phases of life or how she handles stress, or, you know, or whatever it comes in light with life, that I mean, you want to see how she handles it, if she really is somebody who’s, you know, you could groove with and she’s managing pretty good, and we communicate pretty good. We could manage our problems. Well, did I mean, she’s take whatever, whatever they’re all that is. That’s why we get into debt for a couple of years. But if it didn’t work out, so I missed, let’s go ahead.

Kevin Anthony 17:13
I was just going to say that the advice then for the ladies listening to this show, is don’t pressure your man. Right. So if you want to know why he’s running in the other direction, that may be one of the reasons don’t pressure him. Absolutely. Second thing that you mentioned was manipulation, which is a tactic that often comes because they feel pressured, right? Yeah. Well, I got to figure out a way to get him to do this, right. And then the manipulation comes in and talked about that.

André Paradis 17:39
Well, because again, it said that it still they don’t want to waste their time. Because if you’re not the committable type, if you don’t want children, if you want to deal with the life that she wants, if you don’t, like secure her and lock her down and marry her, if you’re not that guy, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, that’s fine. That’s fine. Another guy that I mean, so they get really irritated and sort of edgy with what was the problem? We love each other? Why don’t we get married? Well, because you’re pushing,

Kevin Anthony 18:06
pushing, and like you rightly said, we can feel the manipulation, oh, my guy. And the second, we feel like we’re being manipulated, we want to run in the other direction.

André Paradis 18:16
And this is really what if we’re going to talk about men ever feeling unsafe, which we don’t, but that would be unsafe, you know, to get to participate in something like this. Like it’s not it’s unsafe to my peace of mind and my, the rest of my life, like that’s not going to work. Because if you understand that, man, you know, that marriage is not for, for men, you know, at the core of marriage is for women and children. Right? Marry makes men legit. And they kind of made the commitment and off they go.

That’s right, they pick this. But ultimately, there’s no very, there’s much less benefit for men to be married, just for women and children. So and we understand that and we’re okay with this. And that’s when we make that commitment. Happily. But you have to be that woman. And you know, I mean, you can’t be the manipulator. You can’t be the guilt tripper, you can’t have you all your way. And you can’t let you call the UK woman run amok and try to have you close a deal. Because the more you try to manipulate and close it, the more he’s like, No, this is good, you know, and the peace of mind right?

Whether things are going to understand it is ultimately what men want is peace of mind. They want it to be easy. They want to come home, they want to be at peace, they want to be able to relax and recharge their batteries so they go back the next day and fight the world. You can’t come home to tension. You can’t relax with tension and I’m telling you I never really noticed this if you can’t go home to relax and recharge your batteries. Your life goes to hell. In a few months that complete hell your work will suffer. Your health will suffer your workouts will suffer you will be will suffer your creativity will suffer everything you do.

That’s good as a man who goes down the toilet with you If you can recover, you know, you can come home and relax. And you know, the sign of this ladies, if you’ve experienced that is, you know, if he comes home later and later every night, he’s trying to avoid you, there’s too much frickin tension, which will actually create tension in you more, which will this is usually when things go straight to hell, right? Like, right, they spiral out of control at that point when they’re right. Like he’s trying to hang out with his buddies and go to the happy hour, because he’s hoping you’re asleep, right? That becomes home, ladies with a big freakin problem here, right? And I’m saying it’s all your fault. But there’s a conversation to be had here. This is where the wheels are coming off. Yeah. And so

Kevin Anthony 20:34
this is really an important point to make. And you’re absolutely right, that we need to come home to our castle and have a sanctuary where we can recharge, and then go, like you said, go back out and fight the wars, right? Because that’s, that’s what it’s like.

André Paradis 20:51
That’s our jobs. That’s what we do.

Kevin Anthony 20:53
Yeah. And so, you know, for the ladies who are maybe living with their partner, and you’re not married yet, but ultimately, you want marriage. If you can’t create or provide that space for him to do that, then you’re not likely going to get what you want, right? And this is why men, they’re like, I got to have my man cave in the basement or out in the shed or in the garage, or wherever it is, because they’re seeking that space to be able to relax and recharge. Yep. So yeah, that’s another huge piece that

André Paradis 21:25
I did this. This is where again, this said the double fold, right? This is a blind spot. This is a double bind. This is like messing you up. None understanding this is if you live with a man who’s not you know, if you live with a man with a marriage, I’m gonna say this. I’m not a moralist. I’m just saying, I’m telling you how things don’t work. This is what doesn’t work, to move into it with a man who you’re not committed to as far as, like a marriage, right?

You can move in with a man if you’re engaged, because now we’re actually moving towards marriage, but just move the guy because it’s easier, and you want to check each other out. Right to see if you’re compatible. And as time goes on you, okay, so if, if you’re going to play housewife, without the commitment, make it easy on him, I get it to noon, but it kills his ability to want to commit more. There’s no reason for him to commit more if, yes, everything without the commitment. There’s no risk. Again, you can move out and you can move out, you know what I mean?

So the idea of moving together in the name of getting to know each other, see if it’s gonna go somewhere as a terrible idea. Because of this, it will not go anywhere, because you don’t have anybody has to do anything, but making convenient. So what happens in that that this is the double bind? Is that women, eventually it will go stuff like how long? Why don’t we get married? Because that’s always the idea, ultimately, for the feminine to feel safe in especially young children. And he goes, Why? Why? Why do we to get married?

Everything’s fine, just the need way it is. We don’t have a piece of paper, right? But see, this is the end. So what happens is she starts feeling unsafe and that like he doesn’t want to marry her. If we ever marry her, right? Where he’s in now is uncomfortable. Well, now you moved in with him, you mess kind of messed up the whole thing. First, I’m just saying, maybe it’s as a way to do this and moving in with a guy will never make it work. You’re gonna find yourself in that space. And then the more tension you create with not feeling safe, because he’s not comfortable, why would he because he’s already there’s nothing that you said, Alison, like, a perfectly good relationship will go straight to hell. Because now she thinks he doesn’t want to commit it doesn’t love her obviously doesn’t respect her doesn’t want that.

Kevin Anthony 23:41
Right. So then her mind starts running and all these different directions about why he’s not gay. You go,

André Paradis 23:46
I didn’t securities will show up. And so you know, she’s angry all the time. She says you either doesn’t want to come home. And so it’s pulling the pressure. And now we’re not compatible. And I don’t know what’s wrong with her. But, you know, blah, blah, blah. And she’s, she’s heard that he doesn’t want to give her wish. Don’t move in with a guy without a commitment. That’s the formula right there. I’m just saying, I’m not a more or less, I’m just saying that this is what I do for a living. That doesn’t work. It always ends up, you know, 90% of the time in this way. And if you’re going to force the guy, because some guys will be manipulated. The softer ones is kind of a disaster just a few years later, I’m just saying. Sorry. I’m saying I’m telling you, this is not the way men will men function. It doesn’t work that way. So

Kevin Anthony 24:33
well. I tend to agree with you. I mean, I’m getting close to 50 now and I’ve only lived with three women in my entire life, one of which I did marry and the other two I thought I was going to but it didn’t work out. So all the others in between and there were quite a few others in between. Nope, didn’t go there.

André Paradis 24:55
Like it is that in that study. It was so blind to the way these things work. We don’t know how these things work, we just think we’re going to, you know, again, I call it like, I call it, like club dancing. You know, like, if you look behind me, you’ll see that, you know, it’s me and my wife ballroom dancing. That’s my that’s my life. This is how we write down bowling dancing requires a lot of training. You know, if some couples have smoothened the dance was fantastic is beautiful, it looks easy, right?

They’re communicating. So fantastically, another word exchange, they’ve learned to communicate again in flow, and like she follows my lead. And I have to leave her with sensitivities not to be a bully, but she respects my leadership, embrace my leadership is able to be vulnerable to my leadership, trust that I’m not going to spin into a wall or a table or whatever, right? It’s just, and that she gets to let go, radiates femininity. No one’s looking at me. I’m doing all the work. Right. She’s doing the work backwards in high heels. I guess she’s doing a lot of work. But she gets to be radially feminine, as I saw it, and that partnership is again, the two polarities that I talk about all the time.

That’s, but again, it’s to see to see a couple of glide like this. You’re much training there’s in that. It just doesn’t happen. Right. Relationships are the same. We silly, we think that it should just happen. Our parents did it. Our grandparents did it. Well, that was then there was no rules. There was actually two rules. He goes to work, and you take care of the house. That was the rules. There was very simple. No choice. Now, it’s interesting, because not nowadays, women have all the choices because we liberated that. Awesome, except for the good, the good. Well, guess what? Men have no choice.

So nothing’s changed for men. So when I see that as a work I’m going off now. But I see that as a work is men expected to be traditional, continue to do traditional and the way they do right, build a life, build a business, build a career, get your stuff together, right? Build your character in your confidence, blah, blah, blah. So many minutes are expected to be traditional. But our women, our culture refused to be traditional. This is why it’s not working. You refuse to be traditional.

Kevin Anthony 27:06
That is a very interesting point. A big problem. It is big. That is something I would love to explore more but a whole different. Yeah, a whole podcast. Right? I’ve got a whole bunch of other questions.

André Paradis 27:18
Let me let me finish with I was just saying, right, so the bottom couple takes a lot of work in order to get in flow and build this beautiful dance, right? But we do in our culture, we do a call club dance, and we get face to face. on the dance floor. We don’t touch right, we dance. But you turn around you did some somebody else. Nobody’s really committed. You move in the same apartment is no, you know, like, we call it joint bank accounts. Right? Everything’s 5050 Nobody’s getting on. Nobody’s getting in a dance. We’re just pretending there is no commitment. There’s no real commitment. There’s no like, we’re gonna do this together, marry me. Let’s get engaged and do this frickin dance. Now they just sit there just playing live, you know, until like, something happens or if it’s too hard, or if you know, it stops being fun. It’s obviously the one partner ridiculous. You take it as a commitment.

Kevin Anthony 28:07
I can probably agree. I mean, I’m gonna take off my ring here, you will not be able to see the inside of this. But the inside of this has an inscription on it. And it says all in with the date that we got married. What does that mean? It means that we decided we were 100% in together as a team, we were going to do that dance.

André Paradis 28:29
And that’s not disco dancing, right? You weren’t club dancing. You ball. You weren’t the ballroom dance you got on the floor. And this is my girl and when we’re gonna work this out, and people go a while. Yeah, so beautiful together. Thanks.

Kevin Anthony 28:41
Exactly.

Okay, so I got a bunch more questions at first I want to do a short word from our second sponsor. Are you a couple are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there changes you would like to make but just don’t know how maybe you think there is nothing that can be done, I challenge you to make 2023 the year that changes. If you’re not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life.

So go to Célineremy.com/sex-coaching-couples and schedule a strategy call with me today. So we can map out a strategy to get you where you want to be. So you can have it all your way. Again, that is Célineremy.com/sex-coaching-couples. I did not make a short link for that. Don’t worry, it’ll be in the show notes if you don’t remember it. I would also say that since Andre does a similar type of work, if his message resonates with you, go check him out. We’ll give it Andrea obviously give you an opportunity at the end of the show to plug your website and all that stuff. But since I’m talking about doing couples coaching here, you know you got to work with a coach that were that resonates with you. So if you like what I do, go and check out my link, if you like what Andre does go and check out his link. I am not about competition. There’s a ton of people that need help in this world and the more of us that are out there helping the better.

So we talked about what women are doing wrong. Now let’s talk about what should they be doing what how should they operate in order to get what they want, which is ultimately a man to commit?

André Paradis 30:29
Right? Okay, so big deal. If you want to target women just say that again, this tell women what they should do what they’re doing wrong. Right? Half of your audience argue, again, because this is stuff all the time like I hear this all day, why is it all up to us? I can’t we have to change after we have to understand how come we have to do all the work? How can we can we and I go? That’s not true. First of all, so absolutely not true. I teach men this material as well. The good news is when you understand the dynamic between them, we really understand the differences in the dynamic between men and women that only one of you needs to know how that works.

Period. So when a man comes to me and it wasn’t last month, it’s like, do they need to help? You know, married 10 years, my wife you see my little sweetie, right now she hates me, she absolutely hates me. I come home, she rolls her eyes like, Oh, it’s you. By the way you left the poor sight on last night. Because you know, the dog is happy to see me she just did oh, she just hates me. And I go, because you know, I don’t know what’s gonna go well, obviously dumb as right like, she doesn’t feel safe, she probably feels taken for granted. You know was last time they you took a little time to make her feel special, like do something you know, was that somebody went on a date, right?

Because we get complacent and relax. And you know, where men see differently and women take it personally, I’m just saying so like, there’s a bunch of shit that you need to do to reconnect to bring to make her feel safe. Again, she doesn’t feel safe. She’s, she’s hating you. She didn’t feel safe, you know, and resentful for all things that she thinks are missing between. So you have to talk to her, you have to learn to connect with her, you have to come home and go, how’s your day? You know, not 45 minutes of this, but 1015 minutes we’ll do it did I mean put your hands on her, appreciate her make sure that she knows how much she loved and cared for her by a little something that hard.

Kevin Anthony 32:20
That’s what I tell guys all the time. Like, it’s not really that hard, you’re making it a bigger deal than it is

André Paradis 32:25
So it’s not women to have to fix anything both men and women have to deal with the part is the thing is I usually save it the one who is in most, most pain, typically will have to take the rain on this. You know, like in this case, he was in pain and she was also in pain, but like she wasn’t doing it. Like he’s seen seeked out information like he came at me with dude, help me, right? Well, the person want to help is the one who’s gonna have to kind of put in the work right?

Because again, they both don’t have to know when you understand the instinct of a woman and you can appease her instinct and pull her back into a feminine, very simple, you win. And you bring out the best in her so she goes from blowing her eyes and hating you to meeting you at the door with a glass of wine. Right now, she’s just responding to which she connects to instinctively that makes you feel cherished and connected to you. It’s very very simple. So same with women right?

So when we say like what they should do well if you understand a man and you know you understand what brings us instinctively know forward towards you. It’s not to control them trying to tell him what to do trying to manipulate into you know, anything that makes you masculine first of all, it’s irritating, right? You want to be an invitation an invitation for him to do it you know to do it to please you to do it that it works for you. Man have an instinct they want to fix everything women don’t miss seem to miss that a lot. We’re neurotic fixers. We want to fix everything when she’s upset. What fix it? Why? Because I want peace and quiet. I want ease. When she’s upset. It’s uncomfortable. Right?

So I’m going to fix it. But it will go it goes with the car. It goes to the garage door. He goes with my kids. It goes with the problem that where I want to fix everything, just because that’s what we do. Right? Fix it. So everything goes smooth again that life is good that everybody’s just chilled. Right that we have fun. Or keep you know what I mean? So fixing is neurotic need that we have. And then from fixing we have a huge sense of accomplishment makes us feel like, Man, when we fix something I feel like a man I fixed it. Fixed it. And ultimately with my woman when I actually get to win with her. I feel like a hero. Yes, they are. So the heroes right? We’re right women. So we want to fix everything. I want to be your heroes. Well women need help.

And then they want that hero as well. This should work except we mess it up in the making. So how do you bring out the best in man? Right Don’t push him. Don’t try to control them. Don’t tell him what to do. Don’t try to manipulate don’t answer on his head. We see all of that happening. Right? Completely. I mean being invitation of you know, with the good life looks like to you the invitation like tell him how safe you feel with him. Thank Him for everything he does. Thank you for working so hard. Thank you for holding your temper when we come home man because he was a douche. Right?

You know, making pay for this, I really appreciate that. I thank you for everything you do for us. Thank you for making right simple ways to respect them. Right? And guess what, that he’s what he wants to do more. He wants to do more it’s gonna want to and this is how you bring out the best in him. So instead of the woman who is trying to change him, by the way, that’s the worst, right? Trying to change a man really means that you don’t get him. You don’t get who he is that you want to change him that he’s good is good enough to marry but I want to change them. I want to I want to make him act, right. That’s my favorite writing is to act right? He’s part of the my mother’s birthday. Who does that?

Well, that’s a deal breaker that’s gonna you know, like, leave him alone. Like, get out of Munich. Like, don’t make him act, right. Don’t try to change him not right? Because that’s the ultimate disrespect and that you mothering him. If you mother him, right? It’s disrespectful to his manhood because that’s masculine, the mother of man, and you’re trying to make a beautiful boy, you’re trying to make an obey you if he’s got a in any kind of self-esteem at all, if he’s manly at all. You want to obey you. He doesn’t obey anybody. He does what works for him. So trying to manipulate anyone, and make him do your way by manipulating or leaning on him pushing him or trying to change him. Ladies, this is when you kill it. It’s so cool. Right? Like I’m looking at your face. You’re like, Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Kevin Anthony 36:53
No, you’re 100%? Correct. I was just waiting for my opportunity to come in and agree with you. So, so you, you know, you answered the question I asked. And the next question I was going to ask so because and that’s great. So, you know, we were talking about, you know, how women go about trying to get men to commit and then sort of the mistakes they made. So the next logical question after that was okay, if they make those mistakes, what should they be doing?

And you rightfully, acknowledged, don’t ever tell him what they should be doing? But you know, you have to ask the question somehow, right. But then, but then the next logical question after that is, obviously, this is a relationship, right? There’s two people in it. And so both of them have a part to play in that. And so the next question is, okay, well, you know, what should men be doing, which you already also answered. And so I just wanted to kind of sum up all of those things that you said by pointing out to the listeners that, again, if we use our ballroom dance analogy, this is a dance and there are things that you should both be doing.

So if she’s doing her part, by being in, you know, another way to describe what you were describing as being in the feminine energy or the receptive energy, right, where she’s creating the space and the opportunity to allow you to step up and be the hero, right? But then you on the other hand, you got to step up and actually be the hero. That’s another big face, right? Absolutely. And so if both of those things are happening at the same time, then you’re very likely to get that commitment that you are seeking. So there’s no way I’m gonna get to all of these questions. I’m gonna cherry-pick a couple of the ones that are relevant to what we’ve been talking about. So. And this goes, this goes both ways, too. So the question I had is, what are the qualities that men should be looking for in women if they want to commit but also vice versa? Right? So same thing like what kind of qualities should women be looking for? If you’re if you know whether you’re a man or woman, you know that you want to be in a committed relationship? So what should you be looking for with the opposite partner?

André Paradis 39:14
Well, no, it’s that’s a loaded question. Because in my world, people come in different types. There’s three types of men in my world. And there’s also three types of women in my world. And each type wants something else. These types operate differently even though they’re fit his physiology physiologically, oh, I have managed to say that word the similar this goes with temperament and upbringing and you know, childhood injuries, a lot of it right but in my world are boys who are grown man who has refused to grow up. They don’t operate like men.

So a lot of women I’ll explain in a second, so boys don’t operate like men. They look like men but they don’t. Those guys who kind of somewhere stuck in the middle All masculine enough to handle their lives, but when it comes to women relationship, they completely give up with their power. And passive women hate that. However, they’re easily rehabilitated this, you know, I hate that word. But in fact, there are men who are just man and you can’t tell them anything, you can’t tell them what to do, you can’t try to control them, you can’t, that’s what they do. And so those are the guys who by the way, you know, build lives, build companies build legacies.

And in the goodies of that have a good character, a confident know who they are and want family, they want women, wives and children and they take care of them. And then we build a kingdom for their arms on all of it to take care of their families and everybody connected to it. That’s man, however, because they’re a man, and they’re big, they tend to be a little difficult to connect with and the feminine because there are big this called testosterone. And often they’re over-controlling, you have to manage that there’s ways that we can negotiate that that’s what I teach how you can How do you negotiate respectfully with him when he goes too far when he’s too loud? When he’s too obnoxious when he’s too controlling? When he scares the Children Baby Baby baby you know he’s getting the children right Wow. Right so that’s man so they’re they’re difficult in a different way but they are the ones who give you everything you want provide protect give cherish all the way through kill themselves for love doing it.

Kevin Anthony 41:29
Yeah, when you first describe the man before you talked into how you know the out of balance masculine can be but when you first described it, the first thought that popped into my head is you just made a lot of women weak at the knees. They hear that description and they just melt they’re like yes, that’s what I want.

André Paradis 41:47
It’s funny because I have a client right now and you know she’s again it’s all it’s all relative to your past as well so masculine women attract boys that masculine men so So again, there’s boys guys, man, and actually on top of super bonuses, gentlemen, not every man is a gentleman so gentleman’s are cut off a different category, but not really because they’re close. So sometimes I put as a four on the other side, you ready? Check the check, think of a biker check. You could check like what do you do with a check? Right? You did that really? Very well.

They’re always fake themselves right? So there’s a check there’s a girl which is incredibly cool as a as a guy on the other side there kind of culturally kind of caught up in trying to be a girl but trying to be badass at the same times and or you know, loose like easygoing kind of no no no virtue part of the culture go get yours Girl by so they’re kind of stuck in between they know what to do with the culture kind of pulls them apart, man hate that stuff. Right? I call it a grounded woman. Is it going into a man on the other side a woman who knows who she is as boundaries?

Do I mean that you when you get to me this morning? Wow, she is solid. She knows she actually knows I can communicate she doesn’t manipulate she could come across you know well in communication and not be erratic grounded men have that and on top of that, the lady so a gentleman wants a lady you know a man once a grounded woman. Again traditional man was a traditional woman. The guy goes with the girl because it kind of all kind of knew right? And right and the boys with the girls however, because life is polarized nature is polarized. What happens a masculine woman will end up with a boy. Polarity masculine man one feminine women polarity. So within what is a masculine man, but when the masculine themselves, they irritate and push men away, and they attract boys. And this is what the problem in my world so like with these three types, or four types of personalities, you know, what each do is a different story or disaster is what I’m saying.

Kevin Anthony 43:59
Yeah, no, no. So actually I’m really glad that I asked that question that I picked that out of the five more questions I had because it brought out something that was really interesting which is the way you are classifying the stages that men and women are I would even also kind of call them stages of development in a way right

André Paradis 44:19
Well in my world it’s temperament they don’t change they don’t really change in our agenda a gentleman a man can become a gentleman that woman can begin lady well but till it’s kind of in there is not the way they were raised. I mean, the boy a boy was traumatized typically by no no having no father figure and being raised by Mama Bear, which you know castrated him at birth and never got his balls so he’s these boys expect women to take care of them. So that’s why they attract masculine women. And again, women think that’s man, that’s not man.

That’s boys but polarity has you trip on them constantly, and you can’t even see an actual male. So again, see this all these combination? shins that actually come in between and makes different relationships completely. So my job is always to dismantle this where you’re coming from if you’re a masculine woman, because the culture says, Go girl, be a badass, darling, no man, have you everything. And you know, it’ll make you happy, obviously feel safe. Well, this is a feeling of safety, but it’s not the safety of a relationship, that membrane. So at 35 and 40, when they’re tired of working, and they go, I try to downgrade for relationship. They don’t know how to do this, because they’re so masculine, they don’t attract men, they attract. Anyway, that’s my job. Right? This is so horrible.

Kevin Anthony 45:32
So you know, I have a question. I do want to say, and this is, this is just my opinion, you can agree with me or disagree with me. Yep. Which is, you know, this show has a fairly broad age range of people that listen to it. And if you’re, say, in your 20s, or even your 30s, and you’re identifying that, you know, you’re in the boy category, or in the guy category, I think at that point, you’re still young, you’re still developing who you are, you’re still figuring out how to become that man, I think the problem is, is when you’re 40, and you’re still a boy, or you’re still a guy, or even, you know, late 30s, you’re still a boy, still a guy, if you haven’t progressed through those stages, and you’re stuck where you are. That’s where I think it’s really a problem. So they’re primarily working with guys who were a little bit older, not in the in the younger categories. If they’re still there, then then you’re right, then they’re probably not going to change or it’s going to take a lot of work for them to change. I have a good friend who was dating somebody recently. And here’s another interesting little side note, which is that he’s very wealthy and very successful in business. But, but when you watch how he functions in a relationship, he’s absolutely in the boy category.

André Paradis 46:53
That’s a guy, that’s actually got it. Okay.

Kevin Anthony 46:57
However you classify, but you know, when you look at his behaviors, he operates like a teenage boy and dating. Yeah, that’s how he shows up in the dating world, which is bizarre because he’s so in his power in his work, and then in the relationship, not at all, can’t communicate, can’t talk about his feelings, doesn’t do all of those things that you described early on in the show about when he comes home, he needs to give her a few moments to talk about her day make her feel special Maker does none of that.

André Paradis 47:29
Now, again, you know, it’s this is really common nowadays because a lot of men have been shamed for being masculine. So there’ll be masculine at work but when it comes to women, they completely give up their power they’re just legs up like doing hands up and they let the woman lead like she’s the one who decide how it’s gonna go she they literally either shamed by their culture their mothers or whatever, they could never lean on a woman to never be it never be assertive, right?

There’ll be toxic so they were like this right and ultimately like give completely their power the masculine away and makes women you know, for a moment it feels like makes women feel like in control and they like it for a minute but ultimately makes them very insecure. And they get really resentful of a guy who can make decisions can make plans can hold up to them definitely so they also get it doesn’t work right but this is what culturally was happened we softened man. Toxic toxic, toxic toxic So men are like okay, I’m just not gonna say nothing. The way that women kind of step in You go girl, you don’t take a shit you go girl, right? You don’t you tell them how it’s gonna go. And that man to go along with it thinking you know, that’s how it’s supposed to be right? It doesn’t work long-term is a disaster. So

Kevin Anthony 48:40
That is the modern disaster of relationships.

André Paradis 48:43
And it goes against nature, I go back to what I’m teaching, this is not how nature intended. Right? Women in control is fine for work and money in the realm of relationship. Eventually, you will burn out you will feel resentful, you won’t feel safe. Give this I want to take it all the way you ready. Just tell you how calibrated This shit is. You know, like, when you see women and you just go on YouTube, and you’ll see women beat on their husband, like literally physically beat the hell out of him.

And he just takes it you know, I mean, this is because this is the that that energy taken all the way over if you cannot make you almost feel safe by being able to hold your ground and so you know, when I know this is not happening not comfortable with this when I spending this money here, right? Like it’s sort of really hold your ground as like, as as a leader of because again, it’s this is gonna sound very sexist but a sexual fact and his shoes data on this. I’ve researched all the time that women still today want to be led by men.

Women want to be led in life. They don’t want to have to control everything and manage everything and burns them out. So they want a good man to take the leadership. Right except him you know, they can only they can only follow A man who knows where he’s going. Yeah, when we take keep men from taking charge, women take charge. It feels good for a moment, but they eventually resent it because they he’s not making her feel safe. And what happens is that we feel safe turns into resentment, resentment, you know, stress against them. And literally what happens is, they end up taking him over in a sense of what I was gonna say where women beat on their husbands, that they’re trying to wake the man in him, they’re so freaked out. Like they’re trying to wake him up, like make me stop. But like, this is an instinctual thing from cable. And by the way, they feel so unsafe there, and we try to beat the hell out of him trying to make him stop her. And the Met, the less you stop her, the more insecure and unsafe she is. So again, I’m just saying, your friends relationship. You know, I mean, I get to that point, but the result will be, she will lose respect of him, and she will lose respect for him completely. He will be a noodle in her life. Unsafe, she’s carrying the load, and she will double.

Kevin Anthony 50:59
And that’s exactly what happened.

André Paradis 51:02
Big surprise, it’s always to say you’re absolutely

Kevin Anthony 51:05
right. So then you should say the same thing all the time. She’s like, Look, if a man’s not gonna step up, we women will, she’s like, we don’t want to do but if he’s not doing it, we will. And so again, that’s nature, then chair, again, that is nature. Absolutely. And you know, what you said it, maybe today would be considered very controversial that women want to be led. But the reality is, that’s true. And any woman who is really honest about it will tell you that Céline used to say it all the time. But the thing is, there’s a key to it. And that key to it is they want to be led by good men that they can trust. And that’s the important part is if they feel that they can really trust you that you are rock solid, that you like you said, you got your arms out, and you’ve got a hold of everything, if they trust that they are happy to let you take the lead, knowing of course, that you’re not going to dictate to them, right that you’re going to say, here’s what we should do. And then if she comes back, and it’s like, you know, that’s not really what I want, would it be possible for us to do it this way? And you say, Okay, I’ll take all that into consideration and make the best decision I can as long as they feel like they can have input and direct it. They’re happy to give the reins over to you. Absolutely.

André Paradis 52:15
It’s like It’s like the dance, right? I lead the dance. But I have to do it with sensitivity because I can actually hurt her. Yes. And the dance. So I have to lead with it. So sensitivity that sometimes she has to call out. Yeah, a little too hard here. But not comfortable with this here. Oh, ouch. Right, which was the same thing. So you have to negotiate these things. But

Kevin Anthony 52:34
and women often think that being in that position is a position of weakness, because they don’t realize just how powerful it is. It is extremely powerful to be able to sit there and relax into your feminine into you’re sort of going with the flow of the dance, and yet, in every moment still be controlling what’s happening in that moment,

André Paradis 52:55
consider the invitation for him to bring out the best in him and leadership, which makes it feel safe. And he relaxed. Like I said, When I dance with my wife, I’m doing all the work. I mean, it says that I’m leading my head. So every second is a thought like where I put her body avoid this couple, avoid, you know what I mean? Like the next step, the next step that accepts the filler like I’m constantly I my head, I’m working, right? Because I’m controlling this thing. I’m driving this machine. And she’s like this terrible accident flipping her hair and throwing her arms up. And she’s like, wait, I still make a square by the waist.

And we find it That’s my wife makes you square I surprised her still. Right. Right. So which is fantastic. Because that’s she’s in a moment, right? I’ve been reducing the machine and pretty producing the damage versus at the moment. And guess what, even I’m doing all the work, which I love, which I love and she gets to let go and be vulnerable to my leadership and let me take you on an adventure, which is squealing and having fun. She starts to radiate femininity, she’s smiling, she’s happy. Nobody’s looking at me. No one is looking at me. She gets all the glory. She’s because she becomes this magnetic, beautiful, feminine light. Men and women are looking at her no one cares about

Kevin Anthony 54:06
There is nothing more beautiful than that.

André Paradis 54:08
No. Okay, so that’s I’m talking about so what are we fighting here for that go?

Kevin Anthony 54:15
Alright, two last questions, because they are really running out of time here. But it’s been great. So if you could give it somebody is in a relationship, and they’re seeking commitment, and it’s not happening. If you could give one piece of advice to them on how to create the commitment that they’re seeking. What would it be? I know that’s a tough question.

André Paradis 54:34
You know, again, it’s all but if you’re gonna go classic, right? And I hate to say it, but what I teach what you teach, is, you know, the classic, it’s a modern way to do classic dynamics. You know, because it goes back to nature. That I mean, traditional man, one traditional woman, if you wanted all the traditions of family, you have to be Jewish to a woman and you have to step into that because that so that is What I would say, go back to, you know, the basic, I guess I want to call it right. The question was, how do you make a get get commitment going? Just to be clear?

Kevin Anthony 55:12
Yeah. So it’s, you know, you want to create commitment, and it’s not happening. So what’s the best piece of advice to make it happen?

André Paradis 55:19
So again, if you consider that men still expected to be traditional in everything, they bring everything they do, right? He has to go to work, he has to produce something, he has to be valuable to someone somewhere, he has to add value to society, the world in order to be respected, both by men, women, by the way, so men’s roles not changed. So if you want family and kids, even if you want a relationship, you don’t mean you may not even want marriage, but if you want long-term relationship, right, there’s a traditional way men function in that you have to understand what works for men, most women don’t understand what works for men.

So again, back to a call agenda intelligence, go learn with people like you and I could teach you this. You know, men like facts, not feelings. Men are heavy, not Hardy. Now we need you to get in our hearts. But you can’t blame a man for being logical. And sometimes this up like, I don’t know why that bothers you shouldn’t bother you. How about do it my way. It’s not knowing isn’t under saying this without knowing the expectations that I see out there nowadays is that women want men to act like women. And it’s unrealistic, that’s your girlfriend is not going to talk like you, he’s never gonna connect like us, and you’re away. He’s not motivated by the things you’re motivated by.

He’s not connecting the way you’re connecting. You know, like I said, there’s so many we’re so completely polar opposite. And it’s, that’s the point. That’s the beauty of it all. We complement each other. We knew we equalize each other. You know, women are emotional. Men are not. Men are emotional, like women. You mentioned the mess in the house. But some men are emotional, right? And often end up with women or non emotional, masculine polarity. It runs the show everywhere. So and also answer the question. Well,

Kevin Anthony 57:05
Yeah, the answer to the question is to go back to basics, go back to the nature of men and women. And if you satisfy what nature is seeking, then you’re likely to get what it is that you’re looking for which

André Paradis 57:21
men fall instead, they love where they love they do with it. So for men, it’s and it’s not even logical. And I’m gonna say that I know you’re winning when I know long, but, you know, I, the way it said is like men, because it respond to you, you know, you have to just be in order to step into commitment further and further. You have to be continuing a yes. On his nervous system. Right? Yes, she gets me. Yes, I can make her happy. Yes, she respects me. Yes, she thinks I’m cool. Yes. Right. The moment is sorry, say yes, though. Yes. No, yes. No, yes. No. Like, he’ll play with you for a while, but you won’t get a commitment. So men are very binary that way you are yes or no. So learn what men need for you to be a yes. So as the Versa, but

Kevin Anthony 58:05
To come full circle you know, I started out the show by mentioning that, you know, Céline was proud of the fact that she was the woman who got the man who never wanted to get married. And how did she do that? Very, very easily. She did exactly what you were just saying, which is, you know, so people would ask me, what changed? Well, I didn’t change what changed was the woman who showed up in my life. And so my answer to that question is, it was always about who the woman was, because she showed up in the way that she did, which is all the things we’ve been talking about, where I suddenly went, oh, oh, I can trust this woman. Oh, I know where she’s at. I know how she’s going to show up like, and then I literally felt safe. So. Yep. All right. So fascinating. fascinating conversation. I would love to keep going. But we are running out of time. So yes, all the listeners how they can find you and how they can get a hold of you if they’re interested in working with you.

André Paradis 59:09
Yes. Okay. I actually have two gifts for listeners. So there’s two different layers of gift depending of your, your, I want to say your amount of courage. So, if anybody resonated with what I just said, right, you could actually email me I’m gonna use my email address directly. Andre coaching, number one at Gmail. So anybody listening, who resonated and want to share with me a little bit of trouble, their challenges, email me what’s going on with you and I will, I will personally email you back. Now my assistant on my team, I will email you back. I’m the expert. But so that’s that’s a way for me to sort of help you if you want. If you’re a little more courageous, I want to say because it’s a little nerve-wracking apparently. If you go to Andre group coaching.com. It’s a landing page to recruit either from my calendar, you go click a VIP our exploratory call like you’re doing right we clients will either men or women is a short questionnaire to help me set up, you know, set set myself up. So I don’t want to talk about and we’ll talk about, you know what’s going on with you like where the challenge are where the wheels come off where where you find yourself in a loop, the relationship always goes the same way you’re struggling with the same thing, right? So we know that’s all built in, you know, belief system, childhood. So that call is brilliant, because we get to dig into your past and find out why you stuck in a loop. 15 minutes, liberating, incredible.

Kevin Anthony 1:00:39
Alright, so they can email you and they can book a call with you, the Link gets you that will be in the description. All right. So you know, we always have one last question. We asked you this the last time you were on the show. So maybe now you’ll give us a slightly different answer. But it’s our favorite final question, which is, what is your best sexual talent?

André Paradis 1:01:02
I’m French for God’s sake. I’m not sure if I can describe.

Kevin Anthony 1:01:08
You can say anything you want on this show.

André Paradis 1:01:12
And it’s interesting, because there is such a thing, you know, cultural, like history. I do love this work that I can break it down for my culture and others. It’s interesting. I think, for me, it’s the ability to really be completely present with her and never, never, we don’t have a pattern. We don’t have a set ABC. You know, it’s always different. It’s always like the first time.

Kevin Anthony 1:01:38
That’s wonderful. Presence is a huge piece. We talked a lot in this episode about safety and being really present with a woman helps her feel safe. She absolutely requires your presence. And it’s something that is really been lost in today’s modern society. We’re so distracted all the time that we show up in relationship and we’re still distracted. So that is a fantastic talent to have. I don’t know about you, but I spend a lot of time coaching men on trying to get them to be present in those moments. So

André Paradis 1:02:10
it’s huge. It’s huge.

Kevin Anthony 1:02:11
All right, Andre, I want to thank you for being on the show. Again, another fun conversation. I hope people got value out of it. Me too. All right, everybody. That is all the time we have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

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Céline Remy 1:02:39
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at Céline remy.com forward slash vault. That’s c e l i n e r e m y.com forward slash vault. Thanks for listening. And remember, you’re amazing.